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Characters / Einsteinian Roulette

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This is the constantly increasing and changing list of characters from Einsteinian Roulette. More characters being thrown into the Paracelsus' Sword and the sheer lack of interaction by some people may mean innacuracies in the character count.This list is based mostly on the one in the main thread's character listing post.

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    The Bastards-Original Ensemble 

Milno Enedrasi (Caellath)

Pale farm boy from a mostly rural world.

Ivan Yankovichy (Scelly 9) †

Tall and black-haired mercenary.
  • The Corruption: Infected by a genetic disease in the second mission that gives him more power but is slowly turning him into a mindless monster.
  • Mother Russia Makes You Strong: He has a russian name and had the higher starting strength stat of the initial ensemble.
  • Team Killer: The infamous title persists due to an accident during the first mission.
  • Was Once a Man

Faith Valentine (IronyOwl)

Red-haired cowardly cat burglar and medic.

Feyri Nirel (Tiruin)

Female mercenary supposedly harboring feelings of affection towards Jim.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: The sole reason she was sent to the HMRC. Strict law enforcement. Subverted somewhat later in the story when it is revealed that the reason stated was only a fabricated lie - it wasn't the primary cause on why she was sent to the HMRC, but an intentional fabrication made to cover up her mistakes. Arson and Murder fall under the primary causes but are not listed as her crime.
  • Earn Your Title: Feyri is known as 'The Powersliding Mercenary', due to her actions in the first noted mission against an alien sentinel. It was later tested that the Sentinel in question was a lot more powerful than realized.
  • The Musketeer
  • Team Mom
  • Thou Shalt Not Kill: She was a mercenary for most of her pre-HMRC story, but even then she never took a life in combat.
    • Averted somewhat later in a talk with Jim; averted in a way that, while it is true that she never took a life 'intentionally', her reason of being in the HMRC was a fabricated lie. A life was taken from collateral damage due to a failed sabotage mission on her home colony which deeply affected her: beliefs and principles alike. Doubly averted in the fact that she has still not yet taken an organic life.

James Kelly/Subject 19-3 "Jim" (SeriousConcentrate) †

Vat-grown human created as a military experiment. His number refers to his personal number (Clone 19) of his control group (the third generation of clones).
  • Artificial Human: He was created in a lab which was trying to develop genetically-engineered soldiers.
  • Butt-Monkey: If Jim is on a mission, generally the first time something bad happens - such as death or mind rape - he's the victim.
  • Famous Ancestor: Jim is cloned from Jordan Kelly, a man who could make plants grow, shape the earth, communicate with animals, and heal wounds with the power of his mind... according to the propaganda Spectrum Corporation told Jim, anyway.
  • Gasmask Long Coat: He was one of these originally.
  • No Place for Me There: Jim's main source of angst. He feels that, as an artifically created being with no concept of real human society and no history of dealing with normal life (he's less than a year old, relatively speaking, and most of that time was spent being trained to be a soldier) that the only place for him is the HMRC, and that even if he succeeds in his current command he'll forever be an outsider.
  • Team Dad, sort of.
  • Transhuman: Jim's 'class' and what he was created for.
  • Wrestler in All of Us: Jim was the first character to begin using wrestling moves as an acceptable form of offense.

    Mission 2 

May (formerly known as Elizas Colton Roxine) (TCM) †

Genderless, hairless albino "human" with vaguely feminine features.

Victor (zomara0292)

  • Air-Vent Passageway: Since the second mission, he has spent all his time hiding in air vents.
  • Earn Your Title: "Cockroach Man", gained due to his habit of liking dark places and constantly hiding from light. He was arrested inside some random person's wardrobe.
  • The Voiceless
  • We Can Rebuild Him: After having his entire body gibbed, he chose to have his head and left arm grafted onto a robotic frame. Most at that point would simply get a full body prosthetic.

Mesk Vraite (Remalle) †

  • Back-Alley Doctor: His affirmations about his background point towards him being a non-licensed medic with a dubious past.
  • Big Eater: He needs to eat a a lot to support his Healing Factor.
  • Butt-Monkey: He spends the latter half of the third mission crippled after a rapidly escalating series of team-inflicted injuries; Jim narrowly misses slicing his skull open with a meat cleaver before dropping the entire team down an elevator shaft, dislocating his leg, Bishop accidentally pulps his doctoring leg when he drops a piece of metal down the same elevator shaft, and after welding Jim's arm to his face he drops him down the elevator shaft again, breaking his spine.
  • Earn Your Title: "Kickboxing Doctor".
  • Handy Feet: He practices medicine with his feet. Usually it does more harm than good.
  • Healing Factor: The strongest example in the entire HMRC. While paralyzed (yet again) at Jim's hand he picked up a mysterious piece of medical equipment from Nyars, which when used on himself turned his body into a living microbot hive. The fingernail-sized microbots rebuild his body nearly instantaneously as long as Mesk keeps himself fed, though there are weaknesses to the system (notably decapitation and brain trauma will result in the brain being rebuilt as a blank slate, and sustained sources of damage like fire, electricity or vacuum will overload the microbots' ability to regenerate).
  • Mad Doctor: Shaping up to be one, especially after the happenings of the fifth mission.
  • Trademark Favourite Food: Usually seen carrying around a lunchbox full of sandwiches ever since gaining his Healing Factor, in order to keep his biomass levels up.

Mason Locke (Ehndras)

  • Dirty Communists: How the dictatorial government portrays him (and any group or individual contrary to its tyranny).

Adrian Conagher (Spinal_Taper)†

Thomas Harrison (Spinal_Taper)

  • Heroic Sacrifice: Carried two injured team mates away from a massive explosion, getting severely injured in the process.
  • Mr. Vice Guy: He is one of the few characters to ever drink and smoke, and is also one of those to show heroic tendencies.

    Mission 3 

Charro Hootzal (Yoink) †

  • Plucky Comic Relief: After suffering moderate brain damage after an overdose on anaesthetic, his hobbies include designing impractical weapons based around fashionable headgear, filling VR simulations with owls and plowing fields of sand in alien anomalies with the faceplate of his helmet.
  • Prince Charming Wannabe: A product of his upbringing, he will often attempt to assist or defend a "helpless female", even when said female is vastly more competent than himself.
  • Spoiled Brat: Son of a planetary governor and spoiled since his birth.

Bishop Willis (Zako)

  • Screams Like a Little Girl:
    [Will:1] You scream. You scream like a little girl in pigtails and a tutu, flailing ineffectually like a starfish on meth.

    Mission 4 

Nikitian Greiss "Nik" (Nikitian) †

Cog Anrizkalur (kisame12794) †

Nekarios Aurea-Inanis "Nick" (PyroDesu) †

  • Combat Tentacles: Got his arms temporarily replaced with barbed robotic tentacles.
  • Name's the Same: Nick and Nik.
  • Spider Limbs: Got 6 spidery legs capable of climbing on walls from the Doctor. He replaced them with slightly more conventional digitigrade legs.
  • Team Killer

Empyrea Cymac (Empyrean) (Skyrunner)

  • Accidental Pervert: Due to her constantly failing dexterity rolls, she fell on top of the resident's pervert while trying to get him away from May. She only succeeded in accidentally getting his pants off and groping him.

Lukas Stark (Prosperus)

Neil Slenom (PowderMiner)†

  • Fetish: For hand lasers, the weakest available weapons.
  • Guns Akimbo: Dual hand lasers

    Mission 5 

Renen Averius von Raptum (Grunhill)

Maurice Sanctor (Nikitian)

Travis Stratnin (Orb)†

Kyle (Nicholas 1024)

Thrak Hinn(Toaster) †

  • Genuine Human Hide: Wore his tanned skin as an apron, and his face as a mask over his robot body.
  • Life of the Party: Brought an oil drum of hard liquor on a mission, to throw a massive party in an attempt to catch a serial killer. Somehow.
  • Totally Radical
  • Transhuman: He had as much of his body replaced with robotics as possible. Even the unnecessary parts of his brain.

    Mission 6 

Simulacrus Ferratum-Inanis ("Simus") (PyroDesu)

  • Artificial Limbs: On the surface, she appeared to have three when she came into the service. Received new ones after surviving a several hundred meter fall but busting her old leg prosthetics and upgraded her arm prosthetic shortly after. All for naught, however, as after having half of her body vaporized by Jim (it was an accident, he was aiming to kill an extremely unstable team member with one shot and hit her as well), she had her brain dumped into a full prosthetic body.
  • Cyborg: Started her "career" in the HMRC already one, though nobody but her (and presumably Steve) knew that most of her vital internal organs had been replaced as well as three limbs, and non-vitals omitted. Now, she's a Man in the Machine.
  • Determinator: See "No One Gets Left Behind".
  • Man in the Machine: She's in a full prosthetic body, with the only organic part left being her brain.
  • No One Gets Left Behind: Part of her backstory, a lab building she was working in turned into an inferno while she was in the hot labs, and she went back in several times to make sure all of her freelance team made it out alive. Without noticing as the flesh on her legs and an arm started to char as her fire-resistant suit burnt away.
  • Unwilling Roboticisation: She didn't chose to be put into a full-body prosthetic (very few do), but it was forced on her when Jim accidentally vaporized half of her entire body. However, she has been so far receptive to the new body, which is unsurprising as she was already mostly a robot beforehand.

Gorat "Chin" Ivanos (Knight Otu)

  • I See Dead People: Has the voices of dead HMRC soldiers in his head. When he dies he will become one of the voices.
  • Lantern Jaw of Justice: He has a large chin, and he is one of the saner and nicer characters.

Mason Kervech (Anailator)†

    Mission 7 

Miyamoto De Bergerac (Radio Controlled)

  • Badass Abnormal: Now that he is in an Avatar of War.
  • The Leader: A type I or II.
    • The Strategist: Often has to come up with the plans. Not that these are always followed. Not by a long shot.
  • Walking Tank: Was the first character to acquire a battlesuit, a mobility variant named Gilgamesh. It is now currently piloted by Flint after his transformation.
  • Humongous Mecha: Now that he pilots an Avatar of War. Though it's not really humongous, being 'only' 5-6 meters tall.
    • Caped Mecha: said Avatar comes with a protective cloak.
  • BFG: his Avatar came with a Heavy laser, which can cut through buildings with ease.
  • Purposely Overpowered: Mostly thanks to the Avatar and universal manip.
  • Beginner's Luck: Earned enough tokens on his first mission to get him a battlesuit (Gilgamesh) which allowed him to become squad leader on his second mission, thanks to which he could prove himself as a commander and make expedition leader on his third mission. And managing that was good enough to convince Steve to choose him as one of his dogs of war.
  • Million-to-One Chance: The suborbital rescue of Flint and Jobasio using Gilgamesh probably counts as this.

Denzel Gaunt (Doomblade 187)

  • Beginner's Luck: Subverted. Walks onto the mission, meets the first murderbot, and was the only one to land a hit in the first volley. Which, seeing as how he was using a hand laser, did nothing. He then proceeded to die. He came back as a robot, though, and said robot body has saved his life many a time.
  • Jack-of-All-Trades: Is working on becoming competent with all weapons and skills, especially with a monoatomic sword.

Jack Hansan (Tavik Toth)

  • Badass Longcoat: After he bought his Civil Defenders Longcoat.
  • Katanas Are Just Better: After he had a katana made by Jim.
  • Kinetic Weapons Are Just Better: All but one of his weapons is some form of kinetic weapon including a bolt action rifle and a shotgun he looted from Ivan after his Altered form was 'killed'.
  • Sword and Gun: In a fanart he is wielding a katana in his left hand and a rifle in his right.
  • Two-Faced: Half his face is replaced with metal. This is from when he blew up a space station in his backstory.
  • Walking Armory: He has more guns than Doomguy. He collects guns.

Pancaek Nilys (Pancaek)

  • The Danza: Einsteinian roulette, now starring Pancaek as... Pancaek!
  • Mana Shield: Used this to succesfully help fend off the sod attack on the ship in mission 11
  • Post-Victory Collapse : And then promptly had to lie down on his face for several turns
  • Cyborg: Had the Armory Master decapitate him in order to be put into a robot body
  • Funny Schizophrenia: Has multiple personalities that constantly bicker about the most inane of subjects. Hilarity Ensues
  • Squishy Wizard: Has great amp powers, but if the enemy does manage to hit him, still just as squishy as the rest of us. Case in point: when the murderbot collapsed a building on him, it took the help of poorly understood eldritch magic to heal him. And it was Crazy Enough to Work!


  • Shoulder Cannon: Had a laser turret mounted on his shoulder because he had terrible aim.

Karen Zale (Taricus)

Roger Irvins (Draxis)

Leon Tyler (mesor) †

  • Butt-Monkey: Cause really, out of all the people on mission 7, fate just kept tossing him 'round in the great tumble dryer of Fate.
  • Determinator: Wouldn't bow down to the Shivabot, even after it had thoroughly kicked it's ass, and just kept struggling until he could do nothing more than play possum. Which still took a good amount of persuasion from his teammates. This behavior led him straight into being...
  • Doom Magnet: He attracted the attention of a lesser demon because he just couldn't stop himself from using strange magic artifacts. It dragged him to hell.
  • Sculpted Physique: Was turned into living obsidian by using Timmy's tears.
  • Stone Wall: Almost literally, since he had a +2 to endurance, and a -2 to dexterity.

Timmy (Harry Baldman) †

  • Doom Magnet: He literally became possessed by some lesser demon after playing with magic one too many times. He later came back to haunt the group through the 'Tears' that he left behind. Also, when one team member got a set of armor that let him access the void, Timmy came back to hunt him.

    Mission 8 

Bruce Thompson(Anailator) †

  • Butt-Monkey: He was teamkilled early in his first mission. Later he asked the Doctor to make him strong, the Doctor locked his stats, gave him regeneration, and used him as a training dummy. Bruce refused to cooperate, so he was lobotomised.
  • Reforged into a Minion: By the Doctor.

Ashley Oak (Objective)

Brother Lars (Toaster)

Stacy Buttle (Harry Baldman)

  • Ambiguously Gay: Acts very flamboyant, has a feminine name, speaks with pink text, and sings and dances constantly.
  • Boogie Knights: Not a knight, but a robot. Close enough.
  • Dancing Is Serious Business: Often becomes possessed by what seems the spirit of John Travolta. Or may have contracted a case of dance fever.
  • Walking Disaster Area: Has caused major destruction by using his manipulator poorly at least twice now.

Flint Westwood (Parisbre 56)

Jobasio hootzal (Yoink)

Sambo Jin (Sambojin)

    Mission 9 

Michael Alexander(corsair) †

Morul Migrurkeshin(kisame12794)

  • Deal with the Devil: Has a propensity for acquiring and using items of such nature. For instance, all-seeing goggles that eventually take away his sight. Along with his eyes. Or a suit that lets him walk through void-space, that attracts the attention of Timmy.

Auron Kell(Unholy Pariah)

Zephyris Haizea (MutzelRX)

Vichislav (Vich) Freidberg (Thearpox)

Anton "Blackeye" Chernozorov (Sean Mirrsen)

  • Gadgeteer Genius: Very mildly during his service in the HMRC, as his inventions have fairly steep costs, and have so far mostly stayed in Tinker. His first and biggest created invention, however, was a supposed innovative power generator, that innovatively generated an induced microwave burst and melted a nearby apartment building, fitting the trope quite nicely.
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: A graduate, according to the list of targets he's managed to hit so far. Besides a freestanding pebble and the edge of the tire of a floating space wizard's wheelchair, it also includes a teammate, and himself as his own teammate, with no actual enemies hit.
  • The Atoner: In a way. With his assignment to the HMRC being due to (accidental) mass murder, he has decided to use his skills to help others survive, even if it means him designing weapons to let others kill people more efficiently. He does, however, own the only non-lethal ranged weapon on record in the HMRC.

    Mission 10 

Grate Worm Gold (Great Wyrm Gold) †ish

Charles Leroux (Empiricist)

  • Dump Stat: Subverted. Turns out being specialized in speech and charisma that people have to take willpower rolls to resist.
  • The Face: He has very high speech and charisma, so he does most of the negotiation.
  • Fourth-Wall Observer: He knows that his life is controlled by bold text and dice rolls.
  • The Turret Master: He has no combat skills himself, so instead he carries around a turret to deploy.

Xan (Xantalos)

Lyra Arden (lenglon)

Cecil Stillwright (ragnarok97071)

Skylar Niabs (Kriellya)


    Mission 11 

Dubley Steptimus (NAV)

  • BFG: Wields a massive laser cannon built from scrap materials, and powered by a diesel generator.
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: He has almost never managed to hit anything with a gun, other than himself.
  • Losing Your Head: Got his entire body crushed by extreme gravity while experimenting with an alien gun, so now he's just a head on a robot body.
  • Powerful Pick: Had a mining pickaxe which he used a lot. After it was destroyed he wears a shard of it as a necklace.


Teal The Arsonist (Tack)

Trendon Balto (Execute/Dumbo.exe)

Leo Girard (Devastator)

Jack "Knight" Catar (Alarith)

  • Body Horror: He was incorporated into a giant biomass monster after someone overloaded a fleshwarping amp.
  • Gem Heart: After the incident he has a Tear of Timmy in his chest.

Astra (wolfchild)

Derya Bakkal (Tsuchigumo 550)

Hunter Kahn (Patrick Hunt)†

     Mission 12 

Felix Grant (Swordsmith 04)†

Steve Saint (Syvarris)

Jhoseph Whilkes (Corsair) †

Sean O'Derry (Gamerlord)

MGAXT-85674/FR/ Berach Lithgow Starrett "Dark Angel" (Phoenix Flame)

Thaddeus (RenegadeLobster)

Dern Hernau (Dorsidwarf)

Lerman Russ (Smurfingtonthethird)

Dominika Novak (PowderMiner)

"Knight" Marcius Rolande (WhitiusOpus) †

Magilla (Darkpaladin 109)

Hasala Nabin (Swordsmith 04)

    Poor Bastards who died before their first mission 

Cloud (mesor)†

  • The Cracker: Created a program that would disable any wireless signals in a certain radius. Including his shock implant.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Managed to piss off Steve, Jim, The Doctor, and the Armory Master before even his first mission.

Floki "Boots" Dannkeyer (Yoink)†

Dorf Kell(Unholy Pariah)†

    Non-Player Characters 


The Armory Master

  • The Ace: She seems to excel at anything she tries her hand at.
  • Action Girl: She completed 27 HMRC missions without a visible scar or scratch on her skin while a good number of people die on their first assignment...
    • Retired Action Girl: ...And now she spends her time reading magazines, injuring and killing anyone who annoys or outright pisses her off as well as answering questions about weaponry and other minor matters.
  • Almighty Janitor
  • Berserk Button: Inmates trying to modify their equipment to see through her clothing. The only documented case of someone doing this ended with the offending NPC being thrown out of the ship through an airlock.
  • Non-Player Character

The Doctor (possibly Dr VonNost)


  • Batter Up!: He uses a baseball bat on HMRC who are late for a mission. Especial if they are trying to use the VR machines.
  • Honest John's Dealership: He is quite shady looking, and he sells unwanted experimental, alien, or anomalous items.
  • Knee Capping: His prefered method of punishment.
  • Mystery Box: What he sells.
  • Torture Technician: He will break the kneecaps of anyone who wastes the GM's time.

The Sheep

A hallucinatory talking sheep with seven eyes and a melting face. Occasionally seen by Bishop and Charles.

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