Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!)

Sorry man, I didn't see your post the first time.

In any case, he seems very solid all around, no Motive Decay and a very consistent arc. So yes, this Character intrigues me.

For Lunacorva, the character itself sounds like a particularly interesting Anti-Hero slash Stepford Smiler. But after looking at your other hero, in addition to your villain, I feel like the darkness of his character is wasted (I mean misused) when your other heroes I've seen are darker, more somber types. Your villain sounds pretty fantastic, and unless you're intentionally trying to create a big contrast between the fun, light hearted villain and the somber, all business heroes (but then you have to worry the heroes being, well, boring compared to the villain) Personally, I'd suggest that you add at least one 'lighter' (more idealistic or friendly, etc.) minor or major character to the 'hero' side to 'balance' it a little more. That's just what I suggest.

edited 20th Jul '13 7:07:12 PM by TheMuse

Here's one of mine I've been developing

• Name: Blaise
• Age: Is actually something pretty close to The Ageless, but chronologically is in his mid-late 50's
• Personality: Enthusiastic and extroverted, he always manages to find something unusual or interesting in the world. He is quite a sensual person; he enjoys good food, the occasional drink, a pretty woman. His relationships with women aren't always sexual however, as he quite enjoys their company due to shared interests and situations where he'd much rather have a pint and a chat when she wanted to sleep with him have actually happened more than once. People who interact with him nearly always have one of three opinions of him 1. A charming, charismatic somewhat shallow romantic 2. An occasionally flaky, but devoted and interesting friend or 3. An extremely annoying hedonist who whines too much about feelings.m
• Abilities: Is a very good artist and has a good grasp on his magical abilities.
• Weaknesses: Can be somewhat hedonistic occasionally. Has a pretty serious case of hemeophobia, which can sometimes be a Weaksauce Weakness. Can be The Ditz in situations.
• Goals: He's still trying to find something that gives him a defined purpose and gives his life meaning. Once the conflict enters the story, his goal is mainly trying to keep him and his loved ones safe and getting his life back to normal.
• Motivation:
• Role in the story: He's one of the main characters, he's initially introduced as part of a trio before he joins the rest of the cast. If you wanted to look at the cast The Magnificent Seven Samurai style (although it doesn't follow that kind of plot, but cast number is the same) He'd be the 'Funny Guy.' He's the more emotional, optimistic member of the group who also serves as Plucky Comic Relief.
• Backstory: Blaise was raised by a single mother who supported their family by working as a herbalist, artistic work and by odd jobs. She had to work often, which often left him alone. She taught him basic drawing skills as a way he cold entertain himself. This instilled a lifelong interest in that field, he continued to work on his tecnique, he improved to the point where he could (and did) use it to support himself. He went on to practice art and travel a great deal.
  • Relevant Tropes:
• Afraid of Blood: Seeing moderate amounts of blood (he can deal with minimal amounts like small cuts and such) can (and often does) cause him extreme discomfort (occasionally to the point of having a straight up panic attack, depending on the context) Probably originated from his first (non abstract) experience with death being witnessing a goat get slaughtered while he was a young child.
• Camp Straight: Has some Ambiguously Gay tendencies, (In Touch with His Feminine Side has several platonic female friends, being well dressed and creative, has a very close male friend) in addition to having a job that is often Always Camp. (an artist) This causes him to be Mistaken for Gay a couple times, which he occasionally uses to his advantage.
• Captain Obvious: One of his Vocal Tics involves him stating the obvious, usually when he is extremely excited about something, very confused or drunk; reflects his occasionally ditzy nature
• Cuddle Bug: he's quite comfortable with physical affection
• Disappeared Dad: a kind of exaggerated but justified case as he doesn't know who his father is (due to being the product of a one-night-stand) It doesn't bother him too much and isn't too important to the plot.
• Hates Being Alone: Mostly because he craves interaction, but also because it reminds him of having to be left along at home and being very lonely while his mother worked.
• Immortality Bisexuality: Subverted. Due to his society's looseness on sexuality, his extended lifespan and the fact he really doesn't mind about that kind of thing, he did experiment with other guys once or twice. However, he realized that wasn't his thing (he doesn't regret it in the slightest though) and now considers himself straight.
• Immortal Immaturity: Happens to still be somewhat naive about things and careless, justified in that he doesn't have to deal with an aging body or deteriorating mind. Is much closer to being mid 20s - early 30s emotionally/mentally
• Living Forever Is Awesome: He hasn't lived for a particuarly long time, but he's an optimistic person who enjoys the opprotunities that his extended lifespan gives him
• Mr. Vice Guy: He has a high sex drive and is quite a sensualist, but he's kind to nearly everyone he meets.
• Odd Friendship: One of his closest friends is a much more down to earth, Chaste Hero who is about 160 years old.
• Older Than They Look: He’s in his mid-to-late 50’s, but is rarely in a body that is his true age
• Plucky Comic Relief
• Really Gets Around: He enjoys sex and sees nothing wrong with casual sex.
• The Cassanova: He isn't entirely defined by his 'conquests,' but it's something he's particuarly good at.
• The Polly Anna: A downplayed example. He's a cheerful, optimistic person most of the time, but ends up crossing the Despair Event Horizon over the course of the story. (he gets better though)
• The McCoy
• Undying Loyalty
• Virginity Makes You Stupid: Inverted

edited 20th Jul '13 7:10:34 PM by TheMuse

Could someone please critique my character? Thanks

Okay, does Blaise:

• fear death? Can he be killed with a weapon or a spell? Does it involve blood? That would be the chocolate in the peantbutter of nightare fuel to punch up the Weaksauce Weakness.

• How does he react to mortals? Does he have a Mayfly–December Romance?

• Interesting that he's The Mccoy, many magicks are amplified by emotion. And yes, sex magick does exist as does the use of blood in magic (both with and without the k).

edited 21st Jul '13 10:37:20 PM by TairaMai

“In a galaxy, where the United Earth Government has fought a civil war, losing several worlds to the Southern Cross and had a war with the Alien Cay Union, hope rides in a ship called Victory ” *cue theme music*

Name: Trooper First Class EV-1021 Rebecca Song,

Age:Ten (officially)

Personality: A cheery Genki Girl who acts like a teenager.

Abilities:

• Voluntary Shapeshifting gives her
  • Shapeshifter Weapons: Blade Below the Shoulder, her hands can become sharp blades
  • Swiss-Army Appendage: her hands are also tools
• Photographic Memory: a required secondary power that also helps her as a scout-sniper.

• Technopath: can “merge” with technology, she “plugs” into her rifle and her eyes transform into it's optics.

• Technicolor Eyes

Weaknesses:

• Jackof All Trades: The “MP” bio-androids can alter their limbs and merge with electronics like the TA series, but they can't change shape. They wear “armor” that attaches to points on their bodies, but it restricts their movement.

• Motor Mouth / Genki Girl: She can get very hyper when talking. Most put it down to her being a young bio-android.

• Angst? What Angst?: “I was dead, I'm better now!”, oh this will be tested, when the rest of the characters find out it will be Fridge Logic when others wonder why she's so cherry.

• Owl Be Damned: this “animal theme” can backfire, some species view birds and owl-like birds as evil.

Backstory: Was once a teenage boy named Seo-Bo Park. Seo-Bo Park had struggled with gender identity issues. His parents were supportive but not of his activities as “Lacy”; dating older boys and staying out late. After one nasty fight, Seo-Bo ran away from home. Seo-Bo was being driven home by Mr. And Mrs. Park after he was found at a friend's house drinking. They were at an intersection when an automated freight truck ran a stop sign and slammed into their car. They had bumps and bruises, but Lacy refused to wear his seatbelt and was thrown from the car. After several days officially the hospital “pulled the plug”. Unofficially, the Parks took their child to RRDC's labs where his brain was scanned and the results uploaded into a mass-production bio-android.

In the UEG controlled space, the UN had made “uploading” illegal. Most attempts weren't successful, there were fears as to how “human” an uploaded mind would be. The Parks were beyond desperate. Somehow an automated truck had taken their child away. If they couldn't have a living son, they would have a bio-android daughter. “Rebecca Song” is happy to be alive. Upon her activation, the CEO and the board of directors met with the family and Rebecca. She was told to never tell anyone, lest she endanger the whole program. RRDC used a legal loophole to avoid reporting the Parks: technically Rebecca's brain was filled with “prerecorded memories” . A flimsy excuse, since most of the time they didn't work from a human, only another bio-andriod. While most bio-andriods can take “prerecorded memories”, the mass-production bio-androids could take human memories as well.

The EDF soon called up EV-1021 Rebecca Song. She had a tearful goodbye. She excelled at RRDC's academy and earned a promotion at the EDF's Basic Military Training Center at Fort Benning, Earth. She's now assigned to the ESS Victory in the 507th Mobile Infantry.

Goals/ Motivation: Rebecca sees this as a new lease on life. RRDC was founded by transhumanists and they see her as vindication of their philosophy and their work. Many humans (and lots of colonials) would see her as an abomination. The board of directors told her to keep her mouth shut no matter the cost. She's happy to be female on the outside as well as the inside. See also Relevant Tropes.

Role in the story: she on the heavy weapons squad and the sniper, she's the narrator for “lower decks” type stories.

Relevant Tropes:

• Was once a teenage boy
  • Brain Uploading: She remembers her life before she was
• Heroic Spirit / Plucky Girl: Sees her “new life” as a second chance and is determined to make the most of it
  • We Help the Helpless: why she likes being a Trooper.

• Small Girl, Big Gun: she on the heavy weapons squad and the Sniper
  • Waif-Fu : she's small for a bio-android, but is able to fight enemies twice her size.

• The Squadette: her body is a female version of the male MP bio-androids, she's a bit of a tomboy.

• Bi the Way: she crushes on several characters, but fears that her love is in vain

• Does Not Like Shoes: When she was alive, she was a barefooter. Now her sense of touch is many orders of magnitude higher. When off duty she's quick to strip out of her armor, the “boots” and “vest” the MP's wear.

• The Not Secret for RRDC at least. Their Contractor Logic Support Unit keeps tabs on her. Proctor Gloria Whateley figured out that she was unique and was briefed in. The stern bio-android simply said “Finally, a human who understands us.”

• Animal Motifs / Owl Be Damned / My Instincts Are Showing : When angry she hisses like a owl. She has birdlike movements and perches like a bird. She has a pair of “wings” for gliding or short “jumps” with five shot jumppack. They are retractableand colored like a bird of prey.
  • Winged Humanoid : her “wings” give her this appearance, however she has two “hardpoints” for missiles.
  • It's Raining Men: All MP's can be airdropped and glide.
  • Technicolor Eyes / Kaleidoscope Eyes / Purple Eyes / Glowing Eyes of Doom : Her model has eyes that give a soft purple glow unless she's on patrol or plugged into her weapon, then they turn a solid matte black. RRDC focus tested various eye colors and believes that this was the most “relate-able” to troops.
  • Domino Mask: Her face is heart shaped and expressive (like a barn owl). The "mask" highlights her purple eyes. Those eyes expand to fill over a quarter of her face when she's using her optics to aim her weapon, they shift back for regular work. Eliza, the ship's computer, calls her "Bandit" when she's assigned to guard the bridge.

edited 27th Nov '13 7:09:35 AM by TairaMai

What's with the owl motif? Also, it was nice to finally read about the setting your characters are in. Are you going to do one for the Cay Empire/Union?

Name: Adrian Galan (actually Peter Naldiel)

Age: 16 (actually 20, looks young for his age)

Personality:

• Keet
• Chivalrous Pervert: For instance, when in the presence of a well-endowed woman, his fellow immature teenage male friends will shamelessly ogle her, while he will promptly apologize to her for his lack of eye contact while his eye-lids play ping-pong with his pupils. He really wants to respect women, it's just that his hormones get in the way. Also, his Chivalrous Pervert tendencies oddly come from his mother, who manages to possess the personality of a Femme Fatale and Yamato Nadeshiko at the same time.
• Bully Hunter: Cannot stand bullying by either gender, and one of the few things that makes him angry. When he can get away with it, deals with female bullies via Spank the Cutie.
• Guile Hero / Obfuscating Stupidity / I Am Not Left-Handed /Manipulative Bastard: Is really much more intelligent and Genre Savvy than he lets on, and exhibits "outside-the-box" thinking.
• The So-Called Coward: Normally behaves like he's scared or inept when in a fight. If his oppenent pushes a Berserk Button, then he drops the act and gets serious.

Abilities: A Wraith-bearer. While his Wraith is only average in power, he possesses one of the greatest powers of synchronization with and control over his Wraith of all Wraith-bearers in existence, because he and his Wraith have a friendly relationship. He is also one of the few first-generation Wraith-bearers at the time and thus developed his abilities differently from those in the nobility who were born in them, and were raised to fear their Wraiths.

Role In Story: Ordinary High-School Student NOT!, Guile Hero

Goals/Motivation: Stop the Big Bad from starting a war among the nobility, take over his organization, and become the most powerful Wraith-bearer ever.

Backstory: As a young child, his family ended up getting shipwrecked. When many of the survivors ended up getting sick, including his parents, he ended up having to provide for them by following his father's directions. One day he ended up wandering into the cave-home of a wild Wraith, who admired his will to survive and formed a Contract with him. The reason because Adrian has such great control is because he and his Wraith have a mutual respect for each other and also because Adrian had his Wraith's power grow at the same rate as his ability to control it as a Wraith-bearer, while most try to make their Wraith grow in power as quickly as possible.

Eventually his talent was noticed by the Big Bad, who scouted him and let him in on his plans. Adrian played along despite realizing the guy was evil and bolted after he obtained quite a bit of info on the Big Bad and his organization (that would still be hard to prove). He now works as a mercenary who subtly plays and manipulates all of the noble Wraith-bearers and the noble houses they belong to into working against the Big Bad, all the while furthering his reputation and influence as a Wraith-bearer.

Currently is hiding from the Big Bad by pretending to be an Ordinary High-School Student and changing his name. Oddly ends up running into the powerful Wraith-bearer daughter of the head of the most powerful noble house.....

Name: Ariel Katerina Harring

Age: 16

Personality: Shrinking Violet. She is resented and verbally abused by her cowardly brother because he lost his Wraith-bearing ability while she possesses one of the most powerful Wraiths in existence. Her over-bearing father tends to view her more as a weapon than as his daughter. However, she possess a strong inner will and is also a Covert Pervert to the point of shocking even Adrian. Adrian is working on making her more outgoing.

Abilities: She was chosen to have her own Wraith merged with her family's very powerful ancestral Wraith. This makes her one of the most powerful Wraith-bearers in existence, however she does not possess the knowledge, skill, or determination to control it, and can only fully summon its power by entering into a berzerker state.

Weaknesses: Is very shy, naive, and Genre Blind.

Role In Story: Magical Girlfriend

Back Story: She was born into the powerful Harring noble house. Her father is very much in the Heir Club for Men, and preferred his spoiled son to succeed him. However, his son didn't possess the talent, while Ariel did. She was reluctantly chosen to succeed and bear the family's ancestral Wraith by merging it with her own. [Wraiths can be possessed by three ways: forming a contract with a wild Wraith, inheriting Wraith-bearer abilities (in which a new Wraith is born at the same time as the Wraith-bearer), and being given them (in which the Wraith is either given directly by the Wraith-bearer or is extracted and contained at the bearer's death). Fusing a born Wraith-bearer's developing Wraith with an existing Wraith creates an even stronger Wraith than normal, and extracting the new Wraith and repeating the process over and over again creates an extremely strong one.] She is afraid of her Wraith and only prefers to use her powers when someon is in danger.

She ends up using her powers in the presence of Ordinary High-School Student Adrian in order to save him. She ends up developing a crush on him and takes it upon herself to introduce him to and teach him about the Wraith-bearering side of the world when she learns that he is an amatuer Wraith-bearer himself. She eventually comes to view herself as his Magical Girlfriend. Adrian actually knows much more about Wraith-bearing than she does and is actually the one more qualified to teach her.

If you haven't figured it out by now, the story is basically a subversion of the Magical Girlfriend trope where the "Ordinary High-School Student" is anything but.

edited 23rd Jul '13 7:25:12 PM by shiro_okami

@ The Muse: I'm assuming your story is a thriller/adventure based on what you've written, and most of this critique is centred around that assumption, so feel free to correct me if none of this is helpful.

Blaise needs to have active goals in order to stay relevant. It's fine if he's usually a reactive character, but characters like him need to have their status quo rocked a bit in order for readers to care. In other words, don't let him just sit in the background cracking jokes, doing what the party needs him to do because they need warm bodies and he qualifies. Have him bond with another character. Pursue his own interests. Desperately try to answer some mysterious riddle that's been plaguing him for years. You might have just not told us everything, but, "I want to protect my loved ones," is not going to cut it. Odds are that other party members want to stop the threat too. If we don't want him, specifically, to succeed, then you're wasting your time thinking this through, because we won't care. Readers probably wouldn't even remember his name.

Another way of looking at it is this: If he were to take no action, what would he lose?

It may also help you to work out what it would take to invoke in him various emotions and drive him to extremes, even if it never comes up in the story. I find that, when writing a character who's emotion usually stays within a certain area, knowing more about the outsides helps me deal with the subtleties better (An excited happy vs. a calm happy vs. a relieved happy, for instance.) Feel free to follow your own methods, though; there are as many styles as there are writers.

Owls are to the Cay, what wolves and snakes are to humans. Of course the same goes to other aliens. And as to your second point, I'm working on it.

• Name: Cole Streika

• Age: 21

• Personality: Cole is at a first glance a skittish college student who is very laid back and not very serious. He likes playing at being a skirt chaser, and seems to be the type that often irritates viewers, in that he constantly hides and yet, gets himself into trouble. Despite trying to be determined and do things for himself, he often gets himself into more trouble than which he solves. He has a strong attachment to the warrior woman "Moira" that saved his life from one of the servants of Alpha-Leunis' group, the Dis-Lords. However, Cole masks his real traits underneath this facade, mainly because he got someone killed due to his own overconfidence and frivolous use of his powers. He has since vowed to never again use his fearsome abilities. Even if it means swallowing his pride and becoming a spineless fool, he vowed he would never cost a friend his life again. However, when he was faced with the decision to either use his abilities or let Moira die, he finally unleashed his abilities, and realizing he cannot forever run from something intrinsic to him.

• Abilities: At a first glance, he is a regular college student. This could not be further from the truth. He is one of a growing segment of "Natural Mages", and has unbelievably powerful telekinetic and telepathic powers, abilities related to Shock and Awe, Light 'em Up, and the creation of powerful Hard Light weapons that can extend and cut through almost anything. He is also very skilled at the use of fire arms and martial arts.

• Weaknesses: Uses his powers extremely stringently and at first, not at all, out of fear of himself and self loathing, and even when he gets his powers "back", he barely uses them past a certain point, and prefers to use mundane weapons and tactics, usually directing Moira to attack the enemy's weak point. And at this point, mundane weapons like guns and fists are almost useless against the Dis-Lords. Death I in fact calls getting hit in the head by a 50 caliber bullet shot by a Desert Eagle a "mere distraction...what is this boy planning?"

• Goals:
  • Cole first and foremost wants to get his twin brother back from Alpha-Leunis' world, not knowing what happened to him there, and having not seen him in sixteen years.
  • He also wants revenge on Alpha-Leunis for the death of his mother and father, and for the infection of utter misery caused by the Dis-Lords.
  • He has also made a declaration of protection for Moira. Mess with her and you mess with someone capable of going a round with Ignius.

• Motivation: "My Name Is Cole Streika, Alpha-Leunis, you killed my mother and father. Prepare to Die."

• Role in the story: The Hero of any story set in the future.

• Backstory: Cole is one of the twin sons of Matthew Streika and his lovely wife Sorata. However, their future turned to a Bad Future when Alpha-Leunis woke up and let loose a horrible plague, revived his Riders, his Dis-Lords, his Annihilators, and numerous other evil organizations. Matthew and Sorata, in this time line, died fighting this, and Kenon was spirited away by Pale Rider Death I. Death II and III, his reincarnations, suggested killing Cole, but Death I was more of a Noble Demon than his...um, other hims, and he refused to do so. Cole grew up in a ravaged United States where Mages were viewed with suspicion due to Leunis' faction essentially being adherents of a fascistic, frightening dogmatic creed...and all of them were Mages. Cole hid his abilities after his activities with a resistance group in Syria got his best friend Davis Mackenzie killed. He met Moira as he was studying in college, and when suddenly Red Rider II attacked, looking for a powerful potential "magic battery" implied to be Cole, despite his powerful barriers imposed on himself. He would return to the action at her side, and helped cause chaos in Dis-Lord held New York, successfully killing a corrupted Shane, who functioned as the governor, via a terminal case of missile to the face. This would grab the attention of other Dis-Lords, including Aleina. She set a trap for them in Britain, and it looked like this was going to be the end, as Moira was disabled and paralyzed due to damage to the spine. Cole was surrounded by agents, including four powerful Mages who had him pinned. He made his choice, and unsealed his powers. He threw the Agents and Four Mages in all directions, and then curbstomped Aleina to death (a fitting end for the completely disgusting sadist), somewhat literally. He then battled two incarnations of Red Rider (note, Red Rider II is 20 feet tall. III is at least 50 feet tall), and barely managed to heal Moira's back before he collapsed, coughing up blood. They retreated back to the States, and rejoined the Resistance, planning their next course of action. Cole wanted to hit Berlin, which was where the Dis-Portal was. While it was, on paper, intended to be a mission to slam the portal closed, Cole went through it to try to find his brother...and find his brother he did, now the Heir of Alpha-Leunis (though this would not last. Ignius would murder A-P not long later). He fought his brother in a drag out full power psychic brawl, wrecking Alpha-Leunis' Palace, and accidentally returning to his Earth. Cole swore that one day he would return and set Ignius straight. He discovers he actually had a son with secondary love interest Jain he laid with during a night of drunken celebrations a while ago, and the situation quickly turns for the worse as Ignius attacks, forcing Cole into battle with Death III (a terrifying, BFS wielding skeleton knight-thing), and kidnapping both Jain and the young Tyson. In the fearsome alternate world, Ignius now reigned supreme, and the tyrant raised Tyson to be his heir, using an alternate dimension where time flows differently to result in Tyson's return as a jaded, crazed teenager who viewed Ignius as his real father. And now, the main struggle is between Cole's Resistance Group and the forces of Ignius threatening constantly to overwhelm the last defenses of that future world.

• Relevant Tropes:
• Action Dad: He did not know it, but he was a dad. And he's one of the strongest heroes in my stories.
• Adult Fear: He loses his son to his spiteful twin brother Ignius...and then his son comes back, as a teenager all of a sudden, and hell bent on killing Cole, calling him a failure, and even trying to kill him numerous times.
• Aliens Made Them Do It: Reyva used his mind control powers to make Cole sleep with Tyson's sweetheart, purely to make as many members of the Streika family miserable as possible. Reyva is half Thaexterian, so it counts as this.
• Badass: You have to be a badass when your retort to "I am Death, Destroyer of Worlds" is a completely cool "And I am Cole, Killer of Death." Referencing the fact he technically killed Death II for a minute or so.
• Badass Boast: "Aleina, you have no idea what you've done. I was content to live normally. I was content to forget. But no longer. You awakened a sleeping giant!!" He suddenly launches himself forward and slugs Aleina in the face so hard one of her eyes almost pops out of her head.
• Big, Screwed-Up Family: See Tangled Family Tree below.
• Break the Cutie: Poor Cole. First he gets hit with My Greatest Failure, then he has to watch people he knows run off to join the army despite knowing its a suicide mission at this point, and then he gets his with "Luke, You Are My Father...and I hate you."
  • Note that, despite this and his past issues, while he is cocky, he's actually still quite a nice guy, hinting at some serious mental steel.
• Child Soldiers: Cole was ten when he started scouting for the Resistance, and eleven when he killed his first man, crushing his brain with his psychic powers.
• Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: What initially looks like a pervy college student turns out to be the person who is singularly determined to bring down the dictatorship that has taken over the world. To this end, he's defeated the Four Horsemen - who honestly believe their Biblical hype - numerous times. He has also survived a full on brawl with Ignius which had destroyed an entire, massive palace.
• Curb-Stomp Battle: At first, Cole was getting manhandled by Aleina, her agents, and her Mages Four. Then she pressed it too far and made Cole take off the Restraining Bolt. He then threw her agents and elite mages away from him, deflected her every attack, and then forced her mouth open and started stomping on her head on the curb while shouting at her to never touch his loved ones again.
  • His battle with Main Time Line Alpha-Leunis looked like it was going to be epic. And then everything goes wrong for Alpha-Leunis.
• Deadpan Snarker: Like father like son. What Matthew kept in his head, Cole says aloud. He lampshades everything from the ridiculous family tree to the weirdness of the Riders of the End; "So lemme get this straight. You're separate beings but you're not. Wow, hello headache."
• Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: In the main time line, when Alpha-Leunis tries to take control of the world, Cole - having none of it - beats seven shades of hell out of him, actually ripping his so called indestructible sword in half, crushing a black hole, and then directing the resulting explosive energy down Alpha-Leunis' throat. Did You Just Punch Out The Eighty Thousand Year Old Super-Mage Humanoid Abomination from Terra?
  • Cole in general seems tailored to fighting Eldritch Abomination's, and actually winning.
• The Dreaded: Cole is this to many of the Dis-Lords after how he dispatched Aleina, except the Riders. And Ignius is this to Cole.
• Evil Twin: Ignius is this to him. Where Cole is cocky, Ignius is coldly arrogant. Where Cole is nice, Ignius is uncaring. Where Cole is trying to protect his world, Ignius wants to conquer it or blow it up. Doesn't matter to him.
• Expy: A lot of Cole's enemies have traits in common with comic and manga villains and are based on a few of them, these are mostly District Commanders. Most alarmingly, Nice Guy Token Normal from New Dawn's regular time line Wesley turns into an expy of Mr. Sinister in the future. When the Wesleys meet, Normal!Wesley lampshades it; "Dude, you look freaking sinister."
• Handsome Lech: Very handsome, and he damn well knows it. He often sings shirtless in front of a mirror while rubbing his abs how he's "sexy and he knows it." He is very often comically interrupted, usually by Moira, who is also a Tsundere. Hilarity Ensues.
• Hot Dad: Complete Mr. Fanservice, he most often forsakes wearing shirts altogether, either going in in a trench coat, or a vest, and shorts. Out of all the heroes, Cole has the most steamy scenes. And he's also Tyson's dad, though Tyson is not quite his son any more.
• My Greatest Failure: Letting his best friend die, later ranking up there with letting his son get captured and "brainwashed".
• Power Perversion Potential: One of the things he does when experimenting with his powers to get familiar with them again is to make strong breezes to flip women's skirts up. Its also noted that he could "disintegrate your clothes by snapping his fingers."
• Restraining Bolt: A mental block he himself placed to make sure he never went out of control again.
• Tangled Family Tree: Lets see: Cole is the son of Matthew Streika and Sorata, and he has frequently met his very young parents, actually being older than them when they meet by five or so years. He is just four years older than his son Tyson, and his twin brother Ignius kidnapped and raised Tyson to hate his father, and then Tyson fell in love with a woman who loved Cole because of Antoin Reyva's mind control powers, and then we find out that Kyrio's brother's child Stephen had some kids of his own, and then we meet Older!Cole from further in the future, who is blind in one eye because of overuse of his powers. And then we see Lilah, Cole's Opposite-Sex Clone made by Evil Wesley, and Lilah was adopted into the Eckart Family, which connects Cole through Lilah to Dex, Liam, and his younger sister Susanne, who married Gabriel Sandsmark, who is made of half of Cole's DNA and half of Alpha-Leunis' DNA. And Sandsmark was adopted by Stephen earlier, and thus tying it all back together. And speaking of Liam, he married a depowered Queen Anathema, making them relatives of Shuuji because Queen Anathema is actually his mother. Hoo...boy...
• Villain Takes an Interest: Evil Shane, Evil Wes, and Ignius are all interested in Cole's development. None of these are very good people. The first is a madman who just likes making life miserable for everyone possible via mad science and manipulation, and makes Weapons of Mass Destruction as a hobby, the second is a geneticist who wants to create a clone army of Cole to take over all the alternate universes, and the third is his Evil Twin who wants to revive a galaxy-eating Eldritch Abomination.
• Worthy Opponent: Death / Pale Rider I and III agree that Cole is their Worthy Opponent, as do all of Red Rider. Cole really doesn't get it, how two of one being could think so highly of him but the second doesn't when they're not separate but are-OW MY HEAD!

edited 25th Jul '13 8:06:21 PM by NickTheSwing

I didn't get a critique.

I thought that guy's message pointing up at yours was the review.

Well, I can see a lot of genre bending going on, and its definitely clear that conventions won't necessarily be followed. Which is a very good thing; the formula for these kinds of anime / manga is getting old. Adapt it and make it work, and you could have a nice working title in the future.

People will probably like seeing something so different.

The guy obviously has a lot more going on for him than what we see at first. Make sure to set it up as a Wham Episode, that is, the reveal about his true nature.

And the Magical Girlfriend is likewise interesting.

Keep working, and maybe poke fun at classic tropes of the genre through snarkery.

@ Taira Mai: Just to clarify, does Rebecca look like a generic android, mostly human (As in it's obvious that she's an android, she looks identical to the other mass produced androids, etc), or completely human (As in she has a unique appearance and can pass as a human if people aren't actively looking for androids)? It's not important or anything, but the first thing I thought of when reading her profile was how cool it would be for her to experience surreal weirdness when encountering her identical, non-sentient fellow androids (Gynoids?)

This might involve part of your setting that I haven't read (Give me a break, I'm busy), but how did she get involved in the military? Is her society like with modern-day Israel, where it's normal or required by law to sign up? Was it part of the agreement to save her life? Is she comfortable with it? Was the transition difficult? Et cetera, et cetera.

Does she miss anything from before the accident? Her reflection? Her parents? Her boyfriend, who thinks she's dead? She doesn't have to go into full angst mode, but it's not like happiness and homesickness are mutually exclusive.

By the way, is she named after the artist?

Rebecca looks like a shapely Robot Girl "wearing" armor, off duty. When on patrol she's supposed to look more like a mechanical owl to invoke the Uncanny Valley and spook the EDF's main opponent.

As to what she misses from her life:

• her family mostly, they have roundabout ways of contacting her

• her boyfriend didn't even attend her "funeral", she was pissed about that.

• her old friends, some asked about her, others didn't seem to care.

The bio-androids are "war material", as much as her "creators"/parents would like to change that. The UN views all bio-andriods as Attack Drones and disputing that would give the game away.

Of course RRDC's board of directors may have their own agenda for brain uploading.

I picked Rebecca because I dated a Rebecca that was a Genki Girl Motor Mouth.

edited 25th Jul '13 2:19:54 PM by TairaMai

Name: Tirisi Tilvur

Age: 227

Personality: Reasonably polite to those around him. Not terribly charismatic, but happy to make conversation if you are too. Not likely to lash out and murder someone because of a disagreement, no matter how serious that disagreement is, though by no means a teddy bear.

Abilities: For the most part, he's nothing but a talented swordsman. He has some useful abilities to go along with his vampirism, namely the ability to go invisble for a brief period of time. Such techniques are only used when they're needed though.

Weaknesses: This is a tough one. I don't want to make him sound like an XYZ Sue, because he isn't; but the point is that he's strong, basically a walking tank. The only personality flaw I can think of that he's a little arrogant. Makes him sound bad, doesn't it?

Goals: To live, and to kill the big bad.

Motivation: The big bad succeeding will result in his death. That's bad. No major loyalty to factions or the law or anything.

Role in the story: Kill the big bad? I'm not sure what you're expecting from this.

Backstory: Farmworker (farmowner after his mother dies, of a disease) turned vampire turned wanderer. There's more to it than that, but it's not massively relevant.

Relevant Tropes: I'm afraid I've yet to amass a particularly encyclopedic knowledge of these, so I'm struggling to find any. I'm sure they'll come to me.

What I will point out, though, is that I've attempted to make Tirisi's character one which requires a little familiarity, so please don't be surprised if I try to explain away some criticisms.

edited 29th Jul '13 12:25:09 AM by Majormarks

My character wasn't reviewed, dude.

Oh, sorry, I must've missed that bit of the OP.

Edited my post.

@ Majormarks

If your hero is a master swordsman, I would make more than "a little" arrogant. Also, if he's only a master swordsman and little else, he may not be very flexible or adaptable in situations that don't call for swordsmanship skills.

Anyone, onto my own heroine...

Name: Sekhotep, Pharaoh of Kemet (an alternate-timeline version of ancient Egypt)

Age: Late teens to twenties

Personality: She's an energetic young lady who prefers sports like hunting, swimming, proto-basketball, and martial arts practice to the bureaucratic nuts and bolts of managing her country's administration. Nonetheless she wants to govern her subjects with as much benevolence as she can and her policies tend to favor the less fortunate (e.g. re-distributing wealth from her coffers to support the poorest citizens). In addition Sekhotep is an independently-minded woman who shuns male attention since most of her wannabe suitors want little more than to bed and mooch off someone rich and powerful.

Abilities: She is a fast and agile fighter who has trained with spears, swords, bows, and even throwing knives. Though not necessarily book-smart, she is a quick and cunning thinker.

Weaknesses: As might be expected for a god-queen, Sekhotep suffers from excessive overconfidence and arrogance. She believes her way of ruling the country is always right and stubbornly spurns any advice to the contrary. In physical terms she doesn't have much in the way of brute strength.

Goals: I don't have anything more than one brief vignette for her, so no story-specific goals here. However, in general Pharaoh Sekhotep cares for her subjects' well-being and security and wants to honor the gods and her ancestors' spirits.

Motivation: When she saw her father on his death-bed, she promised him that she would rule Kemet to the best of her ability, so in a sense her most significant motivation is pleasing her father's spirit.

Role in the story: As I said, I don't really have a story for her yet. Still brainstorming on this one.

Backstory: She is the eldest child of Pharaoh Khenti and Queen Woserit. When she was in her late teens, her father finally lost his lifelong battle with sickle-cell anemia and handed the throne over to her.

OH FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!!

@Nick: Once again, VERY good job with your character. I particuarly like the fact that he's actually a very world-weary and experienced individual, as opposed to the Naive Everyman that is so common with fictional heroes. The fact that he initially appears to be a Naive Everyman just makes him more intriguing, and I'd love to see a scene where someone tries to "School him" on the art of being a hero, only for him to show that he's far more experienced than this Mentor / Big Bad Wannabe could EVER hope to be.

One word of caution though: In regards to him initially seeming annoying, while I love Hidden Depths just as much as the next person, try to avoid making him too annoying. He still needs to be likeable, otherwise the reader will set your book on fire before they get to the good parts.

@Jabrosky I do like your character, but I can't help feeling somehow that she lacks some kind of uniqueness, I guess you could say. Just something that really catches attention. I'm not saying she's bland, but I do feel as though she needs something more to stand out. Maybe she has a very striking appearance, or maybe being a young queen is enough, now that I think about it.

I guess it's my turn now. I have two heroes in mind, but I'll just post the male one for now.

Name: I haven't settled on one right now. I'm using Erol as a placeholder.

Age: Early 20s, probably 23.

Personality: Very laid back and cool headed. He's curious about anything he doesn't know and is always looking for new knowledge. However, he dislikes discipline and rules, and really values his freedom. Doesn't like to go meddling in other people's business unless it's his job, or if there's someone being hurt. Erol likes looking cool and playing to the Loveable Rogue archetype, even if that's not really what he's like. He likes making dramatic entrances and and spouting smart one liners that he's rehearsed. Erol is mostly a very practical person, but occasionally does things impractically just for the sake of style, which he occasionally screws up. He tries to be somewhat suave around girls, but tends to chicken out when they actually do show interest in him. Actively tries to be a Chaotic Good hero.

Abilities: Has great intuition coupled with scientific knowledge few others around him posses. He is a good sword fighter but does not have much formal training. He studied under a master for a short time, as well as learning through reading combat manuals and experience. He carries a sword (likely Royal Rapier) with a magic gem embedded in the hilt which keeps it extremely sharp and durable, and it's sharpness can be adjusted through the wielder's willpower. At some point he also finds a gauntlet with a gem that can create a magic forcefield shield. Erol is also unusually lucky to have survived as long as he has in the fantasy kingdom he wanders through. Is also a pretty good cook.

Weaknesses: because he grew up in an isolated village most of his life, he knows very little of the workings outside world, and very few of the books in the library he has access to have any recorded history from the last hundred years, being mostly books on science and fiction. His need to do things in style is him overcompensating because of low self confidence, wishing he were a hero like in the stories he's read. Erol also cannot use magic, in a world filled with magic users.

Goals: Erol's main goal is to find a very important book stolen from his family's archive, one which holds a vast amount of knowledge of the Old World and the key to the main conflict. For him personally though, he just wants to explore the world he's never had the chance to experience, and often gets sidetracked from him main quest. Erol wants to explore every ancient ruin he can find, no matter how dangerous.

Motivation: Erol desperately wanted to see the world when he ws growing up. After living in his maountain village for so long, he got sick of it, and the books he read describing what the world could be like, the deserts, the oceans, all the creatures, only furthered his interest. The quest to retrieve the book finally gave him an excuse to do so.

Role in the story: His main role is something of an Audience Surrogate, but mainly The Hero.

Backstory: Grew up in an isolated village where an archive/library was kept. His parents belonged to an order of scholars tasked with preserving ancient texts from before the world was plunged into chaos due to overuse of magic. Erol learned a great deal about science, as well as literature and the history of the Old World, but due to his home's isolation, few manuscripts relating to the New World or magic came to the library. Erol grew up yearning to see the New World, but his parents held him back, afraid he would not be able to handle living on his own outside the village. One day, someone broke into the library and stole it's most secret treasure not even Erol knew of, an ancient book of vast knowledge detailing pieces of lost history from when the world was remade, along with instructions on how to create powerful weapons and incredible magic. Erol's parents knew this book needed to be taken back, but they were too old to do it themselves. Seeing this as a sign, they gave the quest to Erol, preparing him and setting him out on his journey.

Relevant Tropes: Loveable Rogue: What he wants to be.

• Adventure Archaeologist: He loves exploring old ruins looking for treasure.
• Awesome, but Impractical: Delves into this occasionally. He dresses more for style than utility, and uses a rapier over a more balanced long sword.
• Swashbuckler: Tries to evoke this with the way he dresses and fights. His weapon of choice is a magically enhanced Royal Rapier, although I have considered a more traditional longsword.
• Adorkable: When he drops the Loveable Rogue act.
• Badass Normal / Badass Bookworm
• Casanova Wannabe: Subverted in that he knows he really isn't that suave, and even when he does manage to attract a girl he doesn't know what else to do beyond the initial flirting.
• Chaotic Good
• Cool Sword: The rapier he uses is enchanted by a magic gem which makes it very sharp and nigh unbreakable, although the weapon itself is nothing special. In fact, Erol found the gem attached to a different sword, but put it on his rapier because he didn't think the other sword was cool enough.
• Genre Savvy: The world is very new to him, but he's read enough stories to recognize certain scenarios. Sometimes leads him into Wrong Genre Savvy though.
• Guile Hero: What he's actually good at being.
• Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: He's a blond good guy.
• I Just Want to Be Special
• Indy Ploy
• Nice Hat: Occasionally dons a wide brimmed hat if its sunny, but usually likes to show off his well groomed blond hair.
• Red Oni, Blue Oni: The blue to Nalia's red (the second character I have in mind).
• The Smart Guy: Relatively speaking.

edited 31st Jul '13 11:58:19 AM by StarOutlaw

@ Lunac: Yeah, his Hidden Depths have a few layers. He acts like an annoying, vain playboy mainly because he feels he needs to enjoy his "everyman" life while it lasts; "I'm going to die one of these days. Twenty One is pretty old these days". Underneath his facade, he's surprisingly resourceful and serious.

And yeah, a scene happens where a Mentor type tries to school him on levitating things with his telekinesis. Cole trolls him; the guy focuses on watching the single object Cole is supposed to levitate, while Cole levitates everything else in the room.

@ Star Outlaw

I don't know what you mean by "striking appearance", but she is supposed to be very beautiful. She's also a dark-skinned black woman (see here for concept art), which I don't think is very typical for fantasy heroines.

Having a dark-skinned black woman (are there others?) for a heroine might not be usual for a Fantasy setting...or any sort of setting...but it's not enough to distinguish her as a character within the story. I don't want to read skin colour going on adventures, I want to read people with personalities.

As I've gotten good results in my class before, I am gonna run the main character of a book I am submitting to my Creative Writing class for review.

• Name: Michael Aibern

• Age: 16

• Personality: Living on the strange world of Aile=Earth, Michael has had to adjust to a very, very rough upbringing and become a parental substitute to his five year old sister Kari. As such, he has a belief that he literally cannot frown or cry, for fear that it would make their already difficult lives worse. He has a strange "Hero Complex", wherein if he sees someone having a spot of trouble, he runs over with a smile and an offer of assistance, mainly due to him fearing if he doesn't help someone, he'll be rejected and seen as unhelpful. While he hides his sadness, there are numerous hints that not all is rosy in his perspective. He is boundlessly devoted, and generally seems like a good kid. He has a very, very odd friendship with the mercenary Connor Faelan, and despite Connor being mostly silent and constantly frowning in contrast to Michael's communicative nature and constant smile, it is shown that the two are the best of friends.

• Abilities: He is an incredibly skilled swordsman due to "Skill Transfer". Skill Transfer is a strange process by which people in Aile=Earth generally pick up on talents their Main Earth counterparts possess. Since Michael is a clone of Matthew Streika, he inherits a skill in swordsmanship. This is only at the start. He then becomes an Empowered Badass Normal after running across one of the "New Yorian Separation Drive Grimoires", called Alan, and making a deal with it to save Kari not only from a gang of slavers, but from Ensoul Gahalin. Following this, he possesses a "Cursed Power" called "The Darkest Magic" which is said to either bring calamity anew or hope to the world. This strange, esoteric magic does not follow the same rules of the rest of my verse's magic, and generally seems confusing even once it starts getting translated.

• Weaknesses: His power is Anchored in Alan, and if he should be compromised, there went Mike's sweet power up, or it could even be rigged to make him do something he doesn't mean to do. One of his main swords is Alondite, which while powerful and comparatively fast for such a big weapon, is difficult to stop or control. And then there's how idealistic and hopelessly naive he is.

• Goals:
  • Take care of my little sister. We just want to survive.
  • Kill the Demon Lord dead. From Michael's perspective, he is responsible for the world being as it is, and his pursuit of a certain goal with abandon has resulted in this. It especially becomes personal once the Demon Lord almost kills Connor, reveals he is technically responsible for the Dark Abstract Syndrome killing everyone Michael cares about, and that it couldn't exist without "The Demon Lord". Technically true, its complicated. Really, really complicated.
  • And fix the world up.

• Motivation: He has several layers of motivation; he wants to live in peace with his sister because its what "Aunt Edith" would have wanted. Their parents were "dead before we knew them." He then had to grow up in a perpetual All of the Other Reindeer state, until he proved how helpful he was. Did I mention he's the nicest, most helpful boy imaginable, due to being based on Matthew's data? And then he gets to watch his friends get the snot beaten out of them by his sworn foe The Demon Lord, and is told he is not strong enough to protect his loved ones. And then he gets hit with a dawning realization that maybe these freaky Eldritch Abomination things he's been fighting might have a story they're trying to say, and is torn up by a slowly dawning Not So Different realization. Maybe the humans are the monsters to the Ensouls? Maybe the Purification Campaigns were nothing but Sanctioned, Religious Genocide? And he's torn up by guilt that he doesn't care, that he just wants his goals fulfilled.

• Role in the story: Byronic Hero and Anti-Hero of the Aile=Earth Saga.

• Backstory: I pulled no punches with Michael's childhood. He was orphaned, and had to raise his sister...though notice the inconsistencies and strangeness regarding the dates and the ages, and that he cannot remember his parents presence despite them not really being neglectful. Its almost like they were there, but not. There is something extremely strange and wrong going on in Michael's backstory. He never really got a chance to know his parents, and had to raise his sister from basically birth with the help of his Aunt Edith. Then an Ensoul ate her. He took refuge in a church run by the Crimson Crusaders, a group of priest-knights who were devoted to "protecting humanity." He ended up embroiled in battle, and was taught to fight by one of the Crusaders...who ended up getting possessed. Michael had to put him down. By fifteen, Michael was working most hours of the day in the town of Sanfield, struggling with the fact that nobody liked their story or their status as newcomers. By the modern day, he discovers his sister is sickening again, as she was always a sickly, frail child. This time, though, it is Dark Abstract Syndrome, the 96% Lethality Disease that, well, you don't want to know what happens in the four percent chance of survival. You really, really don't. So when he hears that there is a cure in the "Holy City of Jerusalem", he runs off top speed across plains and warped landscapes for the Holy City. Only to find out that he got the wrong Jerusalem, the real one's across the sea, and he was duped the whole time. He runs home just in time to see his house burning down. He learns that a gang of slavers took his sister up to the Forgotten Temple of Earth, and were planning to sell her to a buyer, or feed her to an Ensoul if such did not come to pass. Michael runs through the place, and accidentally wakes up Ensoul Gahalin, The Temple Guard. It tries to kill him, the Slavers, and his sister. He is then thrown down a massive fall by the lead Slaver, and ends up being contacted on the brink of death by Alan. The YSD "Shard" informs him about his nature as a powerful Cosmic Keystone, and that by collecting the Yorian Separation Drives, they could group cast a powerful Curing Spell...at least, as far as Alan remembers this memory was planted in Alan by Milian, to make the required series of events play out. Alan throws Michael back up to the Temple 8th Floor just in time to save his sister from Gahalin, after it wet its appetite on the slavers. Following the destruction of Gahalin, this is when his adventure begins. And given Kari's in the 4% automatically, according to Alan, Michael's gotta run. Good thing Connor joins up, and his magnetic personality guarantees a steady stream of friends.

• Relevant Tropes:
  • Alternate Universe: The premise; Aile=Earth is a post-apocalyptic version of Main Earth where the Masquerade came down in a far, far worse way than in Canon. Its never stated what happened, though its hinted an entire alternate universe crash landed and immediately introduced Mana to a previously non-magical universe, resulting in Physics and even Meta-Physics taking a massive hit. The resulting bending of physical laws cause a large number of strange events, multiple apocalypses, and the Ensoul Scourge supposedly big spoiler; the Ensouls have absolutely nothing to do with that. They're more to do with the copying of personae from the main Earth by the Seer breaking down.
  • Antichrist: What he initially thinks he is, what with being "destined to be absorbed by the Demon Lord, and bring about the Evershadow Genesis." Subverted, as it turns out Milian was lying through his teeth.
  • The Anti-Nihilist: Thoroughly rejects giving up hope and throwing everything to the Goddesses, and he believes in the "power of hope and human bonds to overcome worthlessness and despair."
  • Apocalyptic Log: He finds some in an underground bunker, which was once Area 51, repurposed to studying weird magical phenomena and using it to try to stop the apocalypse. It only made things worse, apparently. As Michael translates it through Cycles, it becomes more and more apparent that he was right about less than he thought.
    • Note, though, a lot of things referenced in it are Terran in origin. For example, Project Diable is an attempt to create a Viseilian, and then an attempt to make something that neutralizes Viseilians, resulting in Victor and Evan, who have the same name as a pair of legendary knights on Terra.
    • The Underground Laboratories were created by Dreska, and reference Balmunc's underground labs, and are filled with robots like those used by Dr. Iwan on New Terra, and the Logs mention the Underground Labs being made to house experimentation into such things as unique magical existences.
    • Michael and Ensoul Michael's weapons have actual history; both were weapons fashioned to fight "The Enemy", and both are call backs to Terran weapons. It is also noted in the logs that Shinkou and Zetsubou were both drained taking down the Pale Avatar.
  • Arch-Enemy: A Few of them. First Mad Doctor Lothos, for being a lying douche, then the Demon Lord, then Crusader King Milian.
  • Berserk Button: Do not hurt his sister. Do not look at his sister too long. Do not touch his sister. Do not even make reference to doing something that might hurt her.
  • Bishōnen: Even more than Matthew. He is described as effeminate, and even as "beautiful" once, by Crimson Crusader Karina Descartes. In his case, the pretty boy trait copied over was...a little in excess.
  • Broken Pedestal: The Crimson Crusaders, at the Fourth and Fifth Cycle for him. He thought of them as caretakers and humanity's guardians. Turns out the Goddesses they serve eat human suffering and horror, and like causing apocalypses, and are less "pretty women", and more floating, skinless things resembling a mash-up of an aborted fetus and some sort of flying Majitek statue. They are also controlled by dead Baddie, the Pale Avatar. Milian wants to become the new Pale Avatar and wipe out the world, viewing it as sinful and false.
  • Brother–Sister Incest: Karina Descartes is a teenage clone of his sister who fluctuates between male and female. "Her" feelings for him are way, way more than platonic, and come off as just plain disturbing once the reveal hits. She stops being a Love Interest at that point too. Michael's just too squicked.
  • Casting a Shadow / Light 'em Up: Most of Alan's spells look like weapons or blasts with modern art splattered all over them in strange psuedo-runes, either in light colors or dark ones, hinting at Alan's forgotten past as Alan Greene, an art collector, before he was used as a "Recharge Soul" for Grimoire Seis, Vonh's old Grimoire, after it was hideously damaged in the climax of Ends of Terra by Balmunc.
  • Continuity Nod: Aibern was one of Vonh's old allies, and one of his best generals. Michael is the name of my first protagonist. Grimoire Seis is Vonh's YSD Shard. Aile=Earth was based on the data left behind by Terra, collected by The Seer at a certain point in time, and as an "act of repentance", he tried to fix an impending catastrophe, diverting an entire time line off into it...but in the process creating an entire AU that was horribly, horribly scarred by the resulting Mana Flood, and a similar incident created Viseilia. Aile=Earth is where all the really old canon comes together and starts making some damn sense.
  • Cosmic Keystone
  • Demonic Possession: What he thinks the Demon Lord was trying to do to him after beating up all his friends. The Crusaders even tell him afterward that if he is possessed by the Demon Lord, its game over. They're lying. It was a Fusion Dance the whole time.
  • Determinator: He is singly determined to bring an end to the threat to the world. Pity he was so misinformed about what his role in all this is the entire time, that four times out of five, he brings about another Apocalypse by stubbornness and ignorance.
  • Dysfunction Junction: He is at the center of it, as usual.
    • Evan: Administrator who was the Demon Lord's former BFF, Evan is at first utterly traumatized because he thinks the Demon Lord went insane, and doesn't care for the plan any more. He had to watch his family die time and again, or at least, clones of them. Remains tirelessly optimistic and a bit of a doormat, though he's annoyingly clingy, due to not wanting to lose people again.
    • Connor: His childhood was almost as horrible as Michael's, maybe more. He used to be nobility, but then his father was basically exiled to the edge of a kingdom for speaking up against The Caligula, Connor himself was beaten as a "lesson", and then his family sans his sister die brutally. He is exiled, his sister is married to the King, and his last home is burned down for the sake of spite. He became a psychopath in the wake of his father's death by Dracolich Muiranthas, and became singly devoted to vengeance against both the Dracolich and the King and "filling himself" with bloodlust due to his life being completely empty and despair driven. He sees a lot of really bad things in his mercenary career, further locking away his emotions to avoid being "compromised." He finally kills the King only to find that his sister went mad ages ago and is in a mental asylum.
    • Alan: Was Once a Man, he doesn't remember the incident that turned him into Vonh's Tome of Eldritch Lore, and is deeply troubled by that. His past was not a happy one. He knows making an alliance with Michael dooms both to an ugly fate, and he feels really guilty for that one. He's also very frightened of what his Heroic Safe Mode is capable of.
    • Dhalak: An "evil" Ensoul, he used to be a bullied child who later became a bully himself because he was scared of being hurt and shunned again, and he was Gaslighted into full on insanity by his abusive grandmother, later became a General Ripper and all around unpleasant fellow, all in order to prove that he is not useless and that he is a violent, depraved man people are afraid of, out of a belief that fear = respect. By the modern day, oh how the mighty and fearsome have fallen. His current attempted body surf target instead co-opted his formerly mighty powers, and now he's stuck as a nigh-powerless spectre constantly trying to get past Hannah's mental defences.
    • Hannah Greis: Dhalak's current "victim", she is essentially trying to prove she is stone cold and basically trying to be a female Squall Leonhart to drive away people before they get hurt by her own inadequacy. She was driven out of her village for killing the mayor's son when he tried to kill her and her dog, and was adopted into a mercenary group by its leader, though they end up dying in a job, and she swears revenge on the Crimson Crusader Dyamal the Reaper.
  • Eternal Recurrence: Due to the strange way a repentant Seer created this world, each time it hits a bad end, Michael wakes up in bed, and all the prior events remembered as "Meditations" and "Nightmares". He actually manages to screw the world up four or five times before he figures out how he's supposed to handle the Demon Lord. It is hinted, though, that there were Cycles before the Main Five Cycles, and all cycles except the last one end really, really badly, and in disturbing ways.
  • Fetish Retardant: The "Sexy Dance" Karina makes him do as part of an attempt to interrogate and or break him. He looks like he's ready to cry, and his narration mentions feeling incredibly violated.
  • Heroic Albino: Most people on Aile=Earth look albine, due to how The Seer did things over time, but Mike fits this best.
  • He Who Fights Monsters: Sometimes, the fight is shown from an Ensoul's perspective, and the poor thing is often horrified, trying to communicate, only for Black Speech to emit from its mouth due to fright induced degradation. Its hard not to see Michael as being almost as bad as the things he hunts.
  • I Owe You My Life: The stated reason a bloodthirsty murderer like Connor sticks with Michael. Turns out, though, for all of Connor's talk of being heartless, empty and a complete psychopath, he really does care for Michael as a friend.
  • Master Swordsman: He is damn good with that Dai-Katana. Even better with Alondite.
  • My God, What Have I Done?: When he finally figures out all the details about Ensouls. Turns out, they were not made to be monsters. They were by products of The Seer's copied data breaking down and segregating the strongest personality traits in a person into a semi-physical ghost prone to madness over time, purely as a temporary safe keeping to repair the data.
  • Nice Guy: For someone who has gone through post-apocalypse society, he's really nice and genial, though this takes a hit after Cycle 3.
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Most of the Cycles end like this, with Michael either causing his own death or another unpleasant event.
  • Nightmare Fuel: The deeper he digs into Aile=Earth's ghastly mysteries, the freakier stuff he finds. Sometimes, even people who were friends in one Cycle turn out to be Ax-Crazy monsters underneath a thin veneer of alliance. And in one case, it turns out that in one early case wherein he killed an Ensoul a girl claimed killed her brother... it turned out that the Ensoul was all.that was left of her brother following a failed fusion. When his employer figures it out, she giggles and leaps out a window.
  • Not So Different: A stubborn young man struggling against a dark world, all for the sake of his beloved little sister, his memories have been tampered with, he has to watch people he loves die time and again, unable to do anything. He learns of a way to reverse his cruel fate, and pursues it relentlessly. He is kind, though naive, and dislikes lying, but has a ruthless side. Are we talking about Michael, The Hero? Or The Demon Lord, the "Big Bad"?
  • Revenge Before Reason: One of the main things that gets him into trouble. I mean, really, stabbing a Villain with Good Publicity to death in front of fifty people?
  • Screw Destiny: Not exactly the biggest proponent of destiny. One of his quotes is even "I'd kill destiny itself if I could."
  • Stepford Smiler: Like Matthew, except much more severe. He is a mountain of neuroses, and even Connor was shocked by some of the darkness he saw in Michael's Journals.
  • Survivor Guilt: Another of his issues, he feels guilty that he survived so long when so many others he cared for did not. He just keeps telling himself he is needed. "You are needed. You are needed. You are needed. You are needed..."
    • It even transfers over to the Demon Lord. He is the one Ensoul immune to Degradation, and is thus immortal. Otherwise, the Stagnant Mana devours the Soul Mana slowly, and drives the Ensoul mad. Nobody knows how or why The Seer's processes went this wrong, not even The Seer. Not even one of the earliest Ensouls, Michael. He had to watch as people 'Souled earlier than him and younger than him were devoured into madness, while he stayed sane and aware. And so he had to watch everyone he ever loved "die."
  • Tomato in the Mirror: Michael and the Demon Lord are the same person. The Demon Lord is his strongest personality traits "copied", combined with Soul Mana, formed of Stagnant Mana, and given a "Neo-Heart" required for life. They in turn keep each other alive due to peculiarities in regards to their soul. As in, once the Demon Lord removes his shield-like helmet, we see a Michael with black hair. And it turns out the Dark Abstract Syndrome was him trying to fuse his own Kari into Real Kari, which due to Stagnant Mana making up her being, resulted of course in sickness. Extrapolate this, and you get Fridge Horror out the wazoo. And it turns out, of course, that trying to cure it in so many ways was torturing DAS Forme!Kari, provoking Demon Lord into attacking with abandon and beating up Michael's friends while going to retrieve her. Exactly as Milian planned.
  • The Unfettered: Even Connor worries some times due to how angry and ruthless Michael acts.
  • World of Symbolism: As a consequence of living in a world made by a sentient Platonic Idea, Michael goes through some weird places that only make sense from a symbolic perspective.
  • You Killed My Father: He shouts this at the Demon Lord the first time they meet. He's not exactly wrong. The Demon Lord even looks down, seeming utterly ashamed.

edited 29th Aug '13 8:31:10 PM by NickTheSwing

I must say that Michael sounds like a very complex and interesting anti-hero. How old are you, exactly? This looks like it'll blow your creative writing teacher away.

Here's my character.

Alphaboy

• Name: Sean Gillespie
• Role in the story: Protagonist
• Goals
  • Rescue Mary Gillespie and Lisa Philips.
  • Bring about the end of the regime in Zauzerland.
• Age: 15
• Personality: Stoic, introspective, mostly quiet. However, there have been many instances where he has shown himself to be an understanding, affable young boy. He's also a real "man of action", willing to go the extra mile to accomplish what must be done.
• Weaknesses: It turns out in a planned sequel that his advanced physiology can only allow him to exert so much of his power, and health problems like heart attacks and extremely high fevers pop up.
• Motivation: Zauzer, the would-be dictator of a nearby city-state named after him, has kidnapped Sean's adoptive mother Mary and his girlfriend Lisa in retaliation for declining Zauzer's offer to work for him in an effort to gain more power in the state of Illinois. Sean, who has spent much of his life trying not to be a hero, sees no other option but to declare a tranquil war against Zauzer and his forces, dismantling his power base from the ground up. Sean is pissed, but he must maintain some control over himself to get the job done.
• Backstory: Sean was adopted by Mary (a nurse) after his biological mother died giving birth to him. Throughout his childhood, Sean began to exhibit incredible powers, gaining him a reputation as the town's outcast. He's developed a set of rigid rules to guide him through life without trouble, but soon, he'll find himself forced to compromise.
• Relevant Tropes
  • Beware the Nice Ones / Beware the Quiet Ones
  • Bishounen
  • Blessed with Suck: He's not exactly cheerful about his superhuman nature.
  • Cannot Talk to Women: However, Lisa manages to get him to come out of his shell.
  • Coming of Age Story: The first book, which I'm working on.
  • Cincinnatus
  • Determinator: One of his key character traits.
  • The Fettered
  • Flying Brick: In addition to being Nigh-Invulnerable, incredibly strong, and capable of flight, he also possesses enhanced senses, sonic Kiais, and a healing factor.
  • Happily Adopted: He loves his adoptive mother Mary very much, and she loves him.
  • Heroic Neutral: He only wanted to live in peace, but Zauzer just had to screw things up. Big mistake.
  • The Hero
    • Teenage Hero
    • Pragmatic Hero
  • One-Man Army
  • Parents in Distress: Don't even think about harming Mary.
  • Physical God
  • The Quiet One: Outside of his narration, he has few lines of dialogue.
  • Secret Identity: Averted, as Sean's capabilities are well-known in his hometown. There's a reason why he's derisively dubbed the Freak of Frederickson.
  • Shrouded in Myth: In many local circles, particularly among the youth, Sean has this reputation.
  • The Stoic: He presents himself as this...
    • Not So Stoic: ... but it's really a mask to hide his insecurity.
  • Terror Hero: Type five. Zauzer's minions gradually begin to realize that they shouldn't have fucked with Sean.
  • Tranquil Fury: Indeed.

edited 30th Aug '13 2:46:16 PM by Alphance