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The Reason You Suck Speech / Webcomics

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  • The Mario fan-comic "The 3 Little Princesses" has Rosalina giving scathing speeches to Peach and Daisy for their behavior and the mess they put her through during their sleepover. At first, she tries to hold in her anger, but as time passed and she found the Cosmic Duct tape she needed to fix her ship to get home in Peach's bathroom cabinet, she had enough of it. She basically told Peach she was the most obnoxious person she ever met and the way she acted contradicted with how she was suppose to act: a good ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. She also lambasted Daisy by saying she has no self-esteem of her own, supposedly rules over Sarasaland (which she described as a kingdom that nobody heard of to the point of doubting its existence), and calling her loud and how she "expresses herself like a Spanish cow."
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  • In Bad Machinery, French exchange student Mimi Broussard gives a presentation on her hometown of La Rochelle to her class of British students and fellow exchange students from La Rochelle:
    La Rochelle is a dump. The people are idiots. The kids at my school dream of getting a boring job and marrying someone beautiful and stupid. They will buy houses there, have idiot babies, and create a town ever more stupid. I cannot wait to leave. Fortunately, due to our fine social democracy, there is a well-maintained road out of town. Vive la France!
  • Bittersweet Candy Bowl: Mike gives this to Lucy in 'December' after he thinks that she is reverting back to her old ways.
  • In the Chick Tract "Four Angels", Henry gives a surprisingly vicious one to his older brother Charlie (especially considering that most of Chick's Christians are polite and docile almost to a fault), suggesting that his adultery means that he is beyond redemption, and that he's a false Christian and enemy of God.
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  • In Cucumber Quest, Nautilus rips "Count Legato" a new one after he accidentally breaks her cellphone/Instrument of Summoning. She refuses to continue the self-insert play he forced them into—in which he cast her as the love interest—calls him a creep, and says that this is why he can't get anyone to like him, reducing him to tears and causing his magic contact lens to fall out.
  • Deer Me features a yearly comic convention arc, one of which was made especially tense due to the usual crew being accompanied by a Jerkass otter with Ungrateful Bastard tendencies. Eventually, he pushes it too far and finally gets called out for his behavior.
    Viana: As for you, you irritating, whiny, obnoxious, annoying, overbearing, selfish, self-centered, arrogant, and rude jerk, start appreciating when people do you favors or get used to being left on the side of the road! And don't try to give me attitude! I have more attitude just deciding whether I want syrup or jam on my pancakes!
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  • In Deviants of Art has a rather short explanation the character Slite gives off to minor villain Jackler, saying simply that he's completely outclassed by other villains and is not much of a threat in the grand scheme of things.
  • One of the Dragon Doctors usually gives one to the villain of the arc. I.e., Mori to Udo in chapter 9, and Sarin to Elizabeth in chapter 10.
  • Dumbing of Age:
    • Right when Joyce is having an epiphany in the middle of Leslie's class, Roz lashes out at her. She points out that Joyce was quite the fundamentalist up until now, acts very sarcastic about her realization, and calls her out when Joyce criticizes the church, saying bluntly that she was a part of the problem. She also takes a jab at Dorothy, saying that she enabled Joyce's ignorance.
    • When Joyce runs out of the classroom in tears as a result of this, Leslie (briefly) calls out Roz for being hypocritical. She says that the whole point of a Gender Studies class is to learn, so Roz being angry at Joyce about her past beliefs isn't helpful, especially now that Joyce understands why she was wrong.
      Roz: So Joyce just gets a pass for ignoring and shouting over gay people for the first eighteen years of her life?
      Leslie: ...said the straight girl to the gay girl who's been asking her to shut up for the past five minutes.
    • Just as Ruth starts trying to redeem herself for her past bullying, previously minor character Rachel wades into her with a brutal dismissal of the entire concept of redemption. It's harsh, misguided, and potentially dangerous to several bystanders — but it's also a formidable corrective to the idea of an Easily Forgiven villain.
  • In El Goonish Shive, Susan delivers one to Tom after he tries to justify his manipulative tendencies by saying everyone tells white lies.
  • In Exiern, Tiffany gives one to the entire assembled court after they were about to let Coriander (A Corrupt Church leader outed as a pedophile) walk away free due to Loophole Abuse (an escape he cuts short after resigning his position within the royal court and castrating Coriander).:
    Tiffany: If the Alliance thinks that squabbling over arcane traditions and legal loopholes, while a provable child molester walks away, is civilization, then you have all failed at it. Miserably. My people, who you call savages, know better. This is not a land of reason, it is institutionalized madness, and I'll have no part in it.
  • General Protection Fault:
    • Ki goes to speak with Patty on Dexter's behalf, as he had been seeking to reconcile with her after the Bog of Bloodbath incident (which Ki acknowledges was a mistake on his part). When Patty proves unwilling to bend, Ki responds by telling her that her negative and caustic personality is driving people away from her, and Dexter shouldn't bother with her.
    • Nick to his counterpart after Nega-Nick laughs at Ki's love for Nick.
      Nick: What I see in her, Emperor, is a noble heart, a fiery spirit, and a love deeper than I could hope to imagine. All things you could never understand. All you know is deceit and treachery, how to use others and throw away what remains. I've been used before, and it sickens to see that trait in myself... in you, the mirror of what I could become. But it also reminds me that our choices are not absolute. People can change. Choices can change. So I'm giving you a choice. End this now. Let me and my friends go.
    • Trudy gets several back-to-back ones in a dream from Ki, Fooker, Dr. Nefarious, Todd, Chuck and her future self, telling her that she has betrayed everyone close to her and the consequences of her actions will catch up with her.
    • In the flashback arc about Ki's relationship with Sam, Fooker gives Ki a brief one after she denies highly credible rumors of Sam cheating on her, calling her out on being a Love Martyr for Sam and making excuses for his poor treatment of her.
      Fooker: What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're the same chick who crunched my boys? Sam treats you like dirt. He ignores you, he walks all over you, and when half the campus says he cheated on you, you defend him!
  • Girls with Slingshots delivers one to the antagonistic Candy the Carnivore about her hatred for Maureen, especially after the latter marries Jameson. Hilariously, this is delivered by Clarice the dominatrix.
    • She blows it off on the basis that "I'm Jameson's friend, not yours", so Jameson gives her one too. This one hits a little harder because up until now she's been deluding herself into think that her vitriolic pranks were harmless japes that Maureen is just too sensitive to appreciate, and then finally she pushes Jameson to the breaking point and he tells her in no uncertain terms that she's not his friend, and in fact she's more like the exact opposite of a friend, and he's beginning to have honest doubts that she ever was what one would qualify as a "friend".
  • In Guilded Age, Scipio gives Rachel one after her former sisters poison Frigg and kidnap E-merl.
    Scipio: Faith's your strength, but your prayers are lacking muscle lately.[...]Which endangers us all. Didn't know you cared so little about us.
    Rachel: I care everything for you! You are my broth- comrades! You let me do works of good and greatness!
    Scipio: And yet we mean no more to you than anyone else.
    Rachel: Of course you do!
    Scipio: So "loving all others equally" is actually impossible. Sounds good on parchment, but you never practiced that doctrine. Ever. You just made it an excuse when kissing E-merl got too scary. And now he's about to be hunted to death. I can't save him on my own. You love us? Fuckin' prove it.
  • In Henchgirl, Coco gives Mary a short, but harsh, one before Mary tries to kill Amelia. “She (Amelia) isn't the one who's ruined your life. Think about it logically. You ruined your *own* life.” Ouch.
  • Homestuck:
    • Karkat may be a violent, bitter Jerkass, but even he is disgusted with Vriska's Chronic Backstabbing Disorder, and calls her out for it here. He also points out how Vriska can't even manipulate others without resorting to forceful Mind Control; Vriska's retaliation at the end only proves his point!
    • Doc Scratch gives her another one later on in the series.
    • Jade of all people delivers a rather brutal one to Karkat here, harshly criticizing him for his horrible treatment of others, including himself (due to the time travel aspects involved). What's even better is that Karkat's future self (who had already apologized to Jade) joins in to criticize present Karkat also, and they start bickering, effectively proving Jade's point! Better still, both Karkats are moved by the same discussion, meaning Jade's tirade affected Karkat twice!! Later, present Karkat admits he was a jerk, but defends his tendency to call out his other selves, since it means that he realizes and admits his own mistakes. Jade accepts the apology.
    • Karkat later gives another one to Eridan, or rather, his past self, after he kills Feferi and Kanaya. Of course, since the Eridan he's talking to is weeks in the past, he not only has no clue what Karkat's talking about, but also thinks Karkat is hitting on him.
    • And now Jane, having hit her Rage Breaking Point, has delivered one to Jake, chewing him out for being self-centered and thoughtless.
    • Vriska delivers one to her alternate self who was killed by Terezi and has been hanging in the afterlife since about how much of a loser she is. Unlike the other examples, she's completely unjustified and resorting to schoolyard bully level insults, and the whole point of doing so is to feel better about herself. Ultimately, the speech only serves to show what a selfish egomaniac the main Vriska is.
  • Katamari has Ace's irony-laden speech to the Prince and the Future!Prince, who have been busily gathering allies to prevent the Bad Future:
    Ace: Back to your old tricks again, Prince? Let me guess... there's a crisis, and you're trying to be The Hero, right? And now you've made two of yourself so that you can take twice the credit. Typical Prince. Can't share the spotlight with anyone but himself. If you were really concerned with saving the day instead of inflating your own ego, you'd look for help from the one guy around here who can actually get the job done: ME. I'm sure you were trying to keep this whole thing a secret so I wouldn't outshine you. Luckily for whoever is in danger, you can't leave me behind, because I'm always one step ahead! So what do you think, Prince? Are you willing to admit your arrogance, set aside your vanity for once, and ask me for help?
  • Las Lindas has Tiare finally deliver a much needed T.R.Y.S.S to Creator's Pet Miles on page 273.
  • Although almost entirely offscreen, Sniper Wolf's speech in The Last Days of FOXHOUND deserves a mention because it is such a literal example.
    Sniper Wolf: (to Ocelot) ... and zat's ze sixty-seventh reason you suck.
    • We also have this one from Big Boss during Liquid's near-death experience after being stabbed through by the Cyborg Ninja.
      Big Boss: You should've seen that coming, you know. You always were inferior. Not your fault, really. You were made that way. The leftovers from the process of creating my true successor. Deny it all you like, you're just not the right stuff - literally. Everyone sees it except you.
      Ocelot: Liquid, you're an idiot, and your mom is an ugly whore.
      Mantis: You suck so hard a black hole couldn't escape you.
      Wolf: I alvays thought zat level of incompetence vould be hard to achieve, but you make it look so easy!
      Ninja: you wouldn't last five seconds against me in a fight.
      Big Boss: Would you hurry up and die already? Watching your life flash before your eyes is just depressing the hell out of me. Just give up. You're too weak.
  • Magick Chicks: Tandy delivers one to Melissa, in chapter 16, after safeguarding her for a week following the teleportation incident, during which, Mel does nothing but sulk. But Tandy's patience reaches its limit when Melissa goes on a tangent as if she were the only one who'd been effected, causing Tandy to step out of the shower and belt her before verbally laying into her.
    Tandy: (at Melissa) "You think you're the only one whose life got ruined that day?! Amelia and Gaby are DEAD! Faith is DEAD!! The school is lost - the world is next! We don't have time for crybabies! Grow some ovaries AND WOMAN UP!!"
  • Quite a few good ones in Megatokyo. Among them are Piro telling off Miho for screwing with a drunken and upset Largo, Kimiko screaming at Ed for his outrageous behavior (very welcome, as he spends most of the time as a Smug Snake before the lecture), and Largo drunkenly ordering Piro not to be a "losher" with Kimiko.
  • In Monsieur Charlatan, the inspector to Isidore.
  • Billy Thatcher from morphE gets tired of Amical trying to be kind to the seedlings while still holding them prisoner and hostage. After being denied a newspaper he launches into an angry rant. The end result is Amical bursting into tears. In his own words:
    Billy:What the hell is your problem?! It's a goddamned newspaper! Do you want to threaten to shoot me if I tarnish your precious newspaper with my hands?! You take my time and livelihood away right before the biggest moment of my life and now I have to beg for a newspaper like I'm a dog?! What kind of greedy bastard are you?! You're a kidnapper, a murderer, and to call yourself a host is an insult to the word and the English language!
  • Drew Brees gives a brutal one to Roger Goodell in "Week 7" of NFL Quarterbacks On Facebook after he tells the players that their foul language and actions are giving the league a bad name:
    Brees: "Oh eat a fat dick, Goodell. Everyone knows DAMN well the reason you made a big whiny stink over Bountygate. It was so when you get sued up the ass in that massive concussions lawsuit, you can create the false appearance that you give two craps about player safety. Meanwhile, you're desperately pushing for an 18 game season so you and your fat cat owner buddies can make a few extra million a year. And you don't give a DAMN that the wear and tear from those extra games will shorten players' careers and lifespans. So please, spare us your phony-ass righteous indignation over our little chitchats.Take your Bountygate suspensions and your moralistic bullshit and shove them right up your ginger freckled ass.——
  • There is a doozy in Nip and Tuck, delivered by Zelda Porcupine to film director Michael Moby.
    "Lemme spell it out for ya, Punkin. You're not a big-shot anymore. You're a joke and everybody knows it. All those actors and politicians and other big-shots you hung out with? You're not one of them. They don't even like you — they never did. The only reason they let you hang out with them... is because they thought your crappy propaganda films would torpedo the president's re-election, and when that didn't pan out, they wiped you off their shoes. You're a nasty little man who made his name pandering to the frat-house socialists and gutter-Parisians with libelous drivel that any twelve-year-old with access to Google could refute in thirty minutes' time. You're an embarrassment and a liability now, and they've ghettoed you out to the D-List crowd. So give it up, Mikey-Baby, 'cause no matter how many "Documentaries" you make... you're still just the fat, homely, unpopular little toady that the cool kids all laugh at when he's not around."
    • She then goes on to state that she feels like she "stole the pudding cup from a retarded kid's lunch".
  • Ma-ri gives a grand one to So-Hoo in Orange Marmalade after finding out he made her life a living hell by appearing on television and making a large amount of humans believe all vampires are like him (aka. happy to kill anybody) just so he could buy a videogame console.
  • The Order of the Stick is chock-full of these, mostly because of its huge library of complex characters that really need to hear one once in a while, and characters that desperately want to tell people off on their side of the story (or philosophy).
    • Xykon pauses his duel with Roy to ask him if he'd like to postpone the battle so that he (Roy) can go off and train and take a few levels so that he'll be a more worthy opponent. He was being completely sincere as well. As he says, "Great heroes make great villains."
    • Later, Xykon gives a nasty one to Vaarsuvius, lecturing on what it means to have actual power. Rather than break V's spirit, this exact speech was exactly what V needed to hear to figure out how to destroy Xykon. V then proceeds to completely humiliate Xykon with a 1st level wizard class feature and a 3rd level spell, and the help of a paladin. All because Xykon woke V up to the fact that power isn't just high-level spells, but instead is whatever will accomplish your current goal.
    • The mother of all these, however, comes at the end of Start Of Darkness.
      Xykon: I now have every confidence that you will act to serve my interests from now on, even when I'm not really around to supervise you. I know that you'll protect my phylactery if my body is destroyed.
      Redcloak: You don't know that... I could wait until someone defeated you, and then—
      Xykon: And then face the realization that if you destroy my phylactery, you killed Right-Eye over nothing. Nothing at all. And you don't have the balls for that.
      Redcloak: I—I can raise him from the dead! I'm a Cleric, I just have to—
      Xykon: Ah, but he'll know. He'll remember that you killed him to protect me, and he'll know you for what you are: My willing slave. And man, you REALLY don't have the balls for that.
      Redcloak: What have I done?
      Xykon: So therefore, you're just going to continue following me and doing whatever I order you to do. Because as long as you're loyal to me, I'll let you pretend this never happened. We'll just go about our daily business, and you can hide from the horrifying truth of what you've become — namely, a murderer who just killed his own baby brother in cold blood. And hey, we can both pretend that you don't really have any options about any of the despicable actions I ask you to take from here on out — rather than acknowledging that, like Right-Eye, you do in fact have a choice. But unlike Right-Eye there, you're too chickenshit to ever make it. You'll obey me forever now, because I give you an excuse for your inexcusable behaviour. Now, are you going to stand there and tell me that I'm wrong?... Didn't think so. As a reward for your honesty there, I'll let you in on a little evil secret. What I said up there to Dorukan about overwhelming force? That's only part of Colonel Xykon's secret recipe for winning. It's not just about raw power, it's also about how far you're willing to debase yourself before feeling bad. And me? I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil with a capital "E" and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause," crap. One gets to be the butch, and one gets to be the bitchBitch.
    • Roy gives Miko a thorough thrashing.
      Roy: You're not Good, at least not any definition of Good that I would want to follow. You follow the letter of the alignment description while ignoring its intent. Sure, you fight Evil, but when was the last time you showed a "concern for the dignity of sentient beings"? You're just a mean, socially inept bully who hides behind a badge and her holier-than-thou morality as excuses to treat other people like crap.
    • Redcloak gives one to Miko, combining it with Not So Different. However, not only is Miko unimpressed, but Redcloak being quite hypocritical. Not only did Redcloak make Xykon the unholy abomination against life that he is, but Redcloak would be dead without divine intervention making his life unnaturally long and immune to disease
    • Redcloak gets one from Right-Eye in Start Of Darkness:
      Redcloak: Look, I've spent my entire life...
      Right-Eye: Your life? Your LIFE?? Brother, you may have had a lifetime but you haven't had a life since the day you put on that cloak. Life is about growing—growing older, growing wiser, growing closer to your loved ones. But you, you're frozen in time. You're the same angry kid who took that artifact off of your master's corpse that day.
    • The bureaucratic Deva who processes Roy's first death has a good one against Roy's dad. Short version: Eugene abandoned a Blood Oath and died of old age; Roy got killed trying to fulfill the same Blood Oath which he had no particular reason to give a shit about besides his dad telling him that until Xykon gets killed, the Greenhilt family as a whole doesn't get to go to heaven. So Roy gets to go to heaven while Eugene doesn't because Roy is, in no uncertain terms, better than him.
    • Redcloak delivers a downright nasty one to Tsukiko right before ordering her wights to kill her.
      Redcloak: You're right, of course. About me. I have let you have your way, time and time again, because stopping you would have disrupted the delicate balance between Xykon and myself. But now... right now... not stopping you will upset that balance even more. Seize her.
      Tsukiko: What the-? Sweeties, you need to listen to Mommy. Let go.
      Wight: We're sorry, Old Mistress. Master gave us an order.
      Redcloak: That's what you never understood about undead, Tsukiko. You treat them like people when they're nothing but bits of skin and bone and dark energy, glued together by magic into the shape of a man. See, the undead are tools. Powerful, dangerous tools. From the lowliest zombie to Xykon himself, the undead are just complex weapons that we make and aim at other people. All that differs is how direct or subtle our control is. For your beloved wights, one use of my Command Undead ability when I walked in was more than up to the task. For our so-called master, more creative strategies are required.
      Tsukiko: You don't control Xykon! He controls you!
      Redcloak: Like I said: subtle.
      Tsukiko: You bastard! Xykon will destroy you and every one of your filthy hobgoblin friends when he finds out about this.
      Redcloak: Maybe. Would he react any better to the news that I've been deceiving him, though? I highly doubt it. Because, let's be clear. If I tolerated your humiliating attempts to undercut my authority before- it was only because killing you would upset the delicate puppet strings upon which "Lord Xykon" unknowingly dances. But if you're going to stand here and tell me that you'll expose one of those strings to him? If you're going to be THAT stupid? There can be only one rational response to that. Hold her until you drain the life from her. Then devour her corpse.
    • In this strip, Belkar, of all people, gives one to Roy that's a mix of this, What the Hell, Hero?, and Get Ahold Of Yourself Man.
    • In strip #917, Elan, of all people, calls his dad out on being Wrong Genre Savvy.
      Elan: You're wrong. You're wrong about everything. You only think you know what's supposed to happen. But we get to decide what sort of story this is and what role we play—hero or comic relief. Or both at the same time.
    • One of the shortest in the comic, yet no less accurate:
      Julio: I think that's half your problem T. You always think everything is about you!
    • This strip has what may be the most painful one yet, since it's being delivered by a spirit created from the recipient's own resentment. The High Priest of Hell harshly reminds Durkon that he actually wished for his own people to be damned to Hel at his lowest point, and that the High Priest himself is that wish brought to life by Hel.
    • Strip #127 has Vaarsuvius tear into Elan over his rather insensitive portrayal of wizards. This drives Elan to tears and causes Vaarsuvius to realize what s/he said was out of line
      Vaarsuvius: THAT IS ENOUGH! I will allow you to mock neither me nor my noble mystical profession any longer! You are NOT a wizard, powerful or otherwise! You are, in fact, a simpering buffoon without the brain power required to dress yourself, much less manage the lowliest of cantrips. You are not but a fool, an addle-brained fool!!
    • In the prequel book On the Origins of PC's, Roy's first party (before he formed the titular order) becomes upset with him when he saves a group of Orcs from being killed (they weren't actually doing anything wrong) because this means no money and no experience points.
      Roy: They weren't doing anything wrong. We're supposed to kill them because they like music?
      Paladin: Um, YES! We're adventurers, randomly killing things is what we do!
      Roy: Yeah? Well count me out then. I may find that I need to kill creatures in the service of some higher duty, or for self-defense, but I refuse to kill anyone because it's slightly more convenient than talking to them. And another thing: The way you treat Durkon disgusts me. Sure, he may be surly and unpleasant, but maybe he's only that way because he's been mistreated by humans like you for so long. You couldn't pay me enough to quest with you again. I quit.
  • Original Life had Janie, Fisk's daughter, giving one to the Justice Defender during the Muffin Arc.
    Justice Defender: Don't you know why those muffins are bad?
    Janie: We're not hurting anyone! We're not picking up fights! We're not working up mobs! We just like these! We like what Jeffery does and you’re NOT going to be able to stop us from supporting him! EVER! If you don’t like it, you need to really think about why, and get over it! The only people who consider you a hero are the people who can use you. Use you to fight their personal battles, and settle their petty grudges. Even a goon gets paid. You’re more like a slave.
  • In Ow, my sanity, David gives one of these to Colette Pickman and by extension the entire Tsundere character type. He very calmly explains how her sudden reversal of interest tells him that she's either unstable or dishonest, and either way he's not interested.
  • Paranatural has several of these, due in part to its anime influences.
    • While possessing Jeff, Hijack delivers one to Johnny and his gang, calling them out for their bullying behavior.
      Jeff!Hijack: I. HATE. PEOPLE LIKE...
      Jeff!Hijack: (Points at Johnny) YOU!
      Jeff!Hijack: (Points at R.J.) AND YOU!
      Jeff!Hijack: (Points at Ollie) AND YOU!!
      Jeff!Hijack: I know your type. I saw it this morning. You're all just BULLIES fighting without a cause. How do you JUSTIFY leaving a helpless kid on the ground and the verge of tears? Oh, right: by never giving any poor sap you hurt a millisecond thought. You're kind or cruel on instinct, protecting your friends and attacking anybody else. Self-centered, without a scrap of AMBITION. Warriors of whim and base anger. Honestly... (Psychotic Smirk) ...what a waste of good violence. Your love for your friends just proves you've yet to access your brains' higher functions. Kindness without a code, cruelty that isn't calculating... Can't you see it serves no purpose? I'll show you runts the true power of violence. Get ready to learn a lifelong lesson in pain!
    • Later, Hijack attempts to convince Max that he (Hijack) is a bully-hunting Anti-Hero rather than a Villain. Max immediately shoots him down.
      Jeff!Hijack: I was aiming for that Johnny Jhonny. HE'S the one who needed to learn a lesson.
      Max: ...Yeah, maybe he did.
      Max: But not from you. If JEFF wants to give Johnny a smack on the face, he's earned it. But you're not Jeff. You think he wants you to go on a rampage in his name??
      Jeff!Hijack: Hmph. People like him are too weak and too scared to fight back against bullies. But I was born strong, so I can quell their senseless violence with violence of my own. I can wield the true power of v—
      Max: SHUT UP
      Max: You're just hurting people, dude! It's not a just cause just 'cause you found a jerk to be your punching bag! Look what your good deed DID! I know what you are, Hijack, and you know what you feel like.
      Jeff!Hijack: Don't... don't say it—
      Max: A bully.
    • Lucifer (No, not that one) gives Mr. Spender a pretty severe one after Spender lies to him about the severity of an injury, despite the fact that Lucifer can feel it through their Psychic Link.
      Lucifer: Do you want to know what your problem is?
      Lucifer: You get scolded, feel guilty... you swear to keep blood off your hands and good in your heart. You fall for a taunt, you're angry... now it's no mercy, good's worth a sacrifice. You're biTTER, you let a petty grudge keep you from aid and an old ally. You're pRIDEFul, you enshrine SHALLOW REAson, ignore warnings and consequences, unleash our dARKEST SECRet on tWO CHILDREN— They'll ask qUESTIONS, Richard! You're SCARED, you cling to SAFE SOLUTIONS, knock on locked doors you should be KICKING DOWN! You're LONELY, you start a SCHOOL CLUB
      Lucifer: you start a FAKE LIFE
      Lucifer: you live a FAKE PEACE in a DOOMED TOWN!
      Lucifer: I was TOO LENIENT. Your emotions don't DISTRACT you. They RULE you, pull you EVERY DIRECTION but FORWARD. You're the same trembling, terrified boy I fished out of the lake thirteen years ago, THAT'S your PROBLEM!! [Beat] ...Prove me wrong.
  • Quentyn Quinn, Space Ranger has an Energy Being inform a Picard parody that the only reason the Federation's idiotic socialist society works is because he props it up with his cosmic powers.
  • Miharu gives a speech to Kazou's father Kenta in Red String after Kazuo attempts suicide.
  • The Hero of RPG World gives one to the King of Langoria and eventually gets him run out of town.
  • This Sinfest strip.
    • A later event that happens several times to different characters is Baby Blue the succubus showing up to show the character how much they've contributed to the powers of Hell, either by corrupting others or by their own faults. She then congratulates them on their efforts, and in Monique's case, offers her a paycheck for the million souls she's led into temptation.
  • Slightly Damned had Heathcliff "Cliff" Sinclair give one to Buwaro when Buwaro was falling in love with Kieri which was particularly biting, to the point that Buwaro was actually reduced to tears in the last panel on the page. You can see it here.
  • Bun-bun in Sluggy Freelance gives a couple of these over the years.
    • In "Oceans Unmoving", while defeating Calix in a duel as he speaks, Bun-bun tells him that his plan to free his people and let them take over one of the high-tech pirate ships failed because it sucked; because they're too high-tech for untrained people to operate; and that he thus doomed his own people to be killed or taken by the attacking Admiral Jacobs. Actually Calix is lucky that Bun-bun finds amusement in breaking his spirit, because otherwise he certainly couldn't have survived after antagonising Bun-bun.
    • In "bROKEN", after dueling Oasis on equal terms but knowing it would be useless to kill her, Bun-bun tricks and traps her in a place where she can't escape. Then, with unusual Genre Blindness, he starts telling her how stupid she was to let herself be manipulated there, and goes on to torture her with verbal images of her supposed beloved getting cuddly with someone else. This backfires nastily.
    • He also teaches Kiki to give this reply to Dr. Schlock every time he asks anything metaphorically, this is a literal case of "Cause you SUCK!" which sticks so well that Schlock starts saying it himself. He also subverts this himself later on. "No Kiki I don't suck, I BLOW!"
    • The zombie Jane also gives Gwynn one while she has her chained down and is about to eat her brain. If possible, it ends up even worse than with Bun-bun and Oasis.
    Jane: "The next time I ask you a question, how about you answer it straight away instead of going on and on about your friends and your book and your "magic?" I know real magic, Gwynn! Little tip? You have to have some spirituality or even a little depth for true magic, and you're as empty on both as your skull's about to be! Before you go, for the record? I ate your monkeys. Aw, I bet you wish you could smack me with your widdle magic now!
    Gwynn: (Looks up, Glowing Eyes of Doom)
    Jane: (Oh, Crap!)
    • At the end of "That Which Redeems," Torg does this after learning that Alt-Riff kidnapped the person he thought was Alt-Torg and Alt-Kiki to replace their counterparts in that dimension, who died in one of his experiments, and essentially, everything that happened in that arc is his fault.
    Torg: All of this, the death and the destruction, all of it so that you could have a chance to "set things right". Bravo.
  • Spinnerette gives us a short, scientific one:
    Spinnerette: If you'd studied spider biology a bit more, you'd know they get their strength from hydraulic muscles! The downside of this is that a spider doesn't have the dexterity to scratch its own back!
  • Cookiecutter and Spring Clean of Star Mares deliver one tag-team style to the Huntress/Fluttershy as they unravel her evil plan for stealing the flutterponies' magic to brainwash the entire galaxy. Bonus points for delivering a 'You Suck' speech to a vampire.
  • In Tetsuko, Dr. Sonya Gannon lays one on crime boss Slade's henchman:
    Sonya: And I will not "conduct business" with anyone who barges in here uninvited, scares my assistant half to death and smashes a perfectly good door. You now have three seconds [to get out of my lab]!
  • When Black Hat Guy's partner is greeted by a misogynistic pick-up artist attempting to make her feel bad about herself, she decides to respond in kind.
    You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around. But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you are. The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is you.
  • Rain: After Maria and Chanel are sent to the principle's office, two of the faculty members make some very homophobic comments. Fara doesn't stand for any of that.
    Teacher 1: Kids these days. When did homosexuality get so trendy?
    Teacher 2: Agreed. I'm just glad my son's not like that. I don't know what I'd do.
    Fara: I would hope you'd love him unconditionally, regardless, because that's the only right answer. Both of you need to wake up! This isn't something new and it's not a trend. It's one thing to poke fun at me, but you're supposed to be role models for these kids. And yet you sound more like bullies to me. Your attitudes are disgusting. You don't have to agree with everything they do, but would it kill you to have a little respect for who they are?
    Drew: Hey, Rudy! Sorry to hear about you going back to the dark side. If you want, I could give you some tips on overcoming "the gay."
    Rudy: Shut up, Drew! Just SHUT UP!
    Drew: Uh...
    Rudy: You didn't DO anything. You don't suddenly become gay, nor do you become magically cured of it. I am gay! I always was! I liked one girl as an exception, and that was it! As for you: you're full of it and you're annoying! I don't know why you're doing this "sometimes gay and sometimes not" flip-flopping thing, but it needs to stop. Either be gay, be straight, or be bi. I don't really care. Just for the love of god, shut up!
    Drew: ...
    Rudy: (To Gavin) Sorry. I had a bit of a moment there, and just had to get that out.
    Gavin: You don't need to apologize. I was just about to congratulate you on a job well done.
    • In the wake of Emily revealing that she's pregnant with her ex's baby, her former friend Debbie, jealous about how close how she and Rain have become, confronts Rain on whether or not she knew. Rain tries to be civil and end things early, but after Debbie clocks Rain as male and practically blames her for the pregnancy, she lets her have it with the real reason Emily's been so distant.
    Debbie: Hey! Where do you think you're going?! I'm not done w-
    Rain: Shut up, Debbie! It was her ex, Chase. He's the father. And I know you know that already. So just leave me alone.
    Debbie: Wait. You're just going to walk away? How do you know I won't tell anyone about you being a boy?
    Rain: You mean you'll lie about it? If that girl was any indication, no one will believe you anyway. And even if they did, you'd only be tearing the rift between you and her open wider. You know, Emily only told me instead of you or Holly because she didn't want you guys to think less of her. She didn't want to be right, but she called it. From the very second you learned she was pregnant, you didn't even try to be there for her. You avoided her. Holly yelled at her. All during an already difficult time for her. If you were really her friends, you'd have made some effort to show support. But even now, it's more important for you to threaten me than to talk to her. She didn't abandon you. She was just scared. You abandoned her.
    • Rudy delivers two of them in Chapter 35. The first after Maria is expelled from St. Halvard and runs away from home, when their parents are figuring out what to do, complete with a healthy dose of Calling the Old Man Out.
    Mrs. Strongwell: And why are you so against just calling the police to help.
    Rudy: Probably because he doesn't want to admit it's his fault she's gone. That she'd still be here if you weren't so eager to punish us for being ourselves. Like that stupid camp, because you either don't know or don't care what places like that do to people.
    Mr. Strongwell: Rudy!
    Rudy: Or he's just relieved to have one less queer kid to pretend to care about.
    Mr. Strongwell: RUDY!
    Rudy: I wouldn't blame her if she never came back. Anything's better than being here with you.
    Mr. Strongwell: If you know something, Rudy, you'd better tell us or you'll be finding yourself in camp tonight!
    Rudy: Oh, so you do recognize it's a punishment after all. Very compassionate of you, dad.
    • The second when Todd decides to confront him in the hall.
    Todd: Yoooo, faggot!
    Rudy: Oh, has your injury healed already? Here I was hoping my sister impaired your ability to talk. Wait. That's right! I forgot. That would've required her to actually hit you. You were only pretending to cry like a baby. Lord knows you wouldn't be here if she landed a punch.
    Todd: Hey, watch it you miserable, little...
    Rudy: If you're gonna do it, hurry up and do it. You've only been leaving me alone because my sister threatened you on Halloween, right? Because you're afraid of her. And with Maria gone, you think you're just top dog now, huh? Get over yourself. You were never on top. And someday, all the shit you put everyone through is gonna come back to bite you.
    Todd: Shut up, you pain in the ass! Don't talk about me like you know me! You don't know my life!
    Rudy: And I don't care to either. I don't care how hard your life has been. Whatever happened, it's no excuse to act the way you do to everyone. You know what, Todd? We all have stuff to deal with. I quietly cope with depression from being hated by a good chunk of my family and peers just for who I am. My dad is emotionally abusive and cares so much more about his kids being straight than being happy, that he's willing to literally torture us. I suffered a breakup a few months ago I still haven't gotten over. And knowing she moved on doesn't help either. And I no longer get to see my sister everyday- the most important person in my world- thanks to you. But you never see me beating anyone up. All my friends are traumatized in some way too, and they all find a way to still be decent people. You know how I cope, Todd? I just try to make my friends laugh. So you wanna talk about what you've been through, like that's a valid reason to be an asshole? Like that makes it okay to attack and berate people? Whatever gets you through the day. But don't act surprised and offended when it doesn't earn you any sympathy. Now, if you're gonna hit me, just hurry up and do it so I can go to class!

  • In Widdershins, Sidney and Ben deliver one to themselves in order to weaken the spirit of Pride they are facing.
    Ben: I've bumbled us through this whole thing! I have no idea how we're still alive!
    Sidney: Oh, me neither! I've sort of been hoping everyone else knows what they're doing, because I really don't! I mean, I- I nearly cut your cousin in half!
    Ben: And I just sat there and watched! Didn't do a thing!
    Pride: But- but you must be proud of something
    Ben: My entire education was worthless, again!
    Sidney: At least you actually graduated!
    • And, eventually:
    Ben: I have no friends! Only people obligated to be around me!
    Pride: STOP!


Example of: