NFL Quarterbacks on Facebook was a weekly feature on ProFootballMock.com which parodied all 32 NFL quarterbacks in fictional interactions on Facebook after the NFL season and notable events in the NFL offseason.
Started in Week 4 of the 2012 season, the conversations usually dealt with the quarterbacks mocking each other over their accomplishments or lack thereof. As the season progressed, each quarterback developed a sort of personality which contributed to the conversation. The conversations expanded to include non-quarterbacks, like head coaches, teammates, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, and other characters, some of whom would contribute to more than one conversation.
The NFL QBs on Facebook series started with the Hall of Fame Game, and continued to the Super Bowl, with a Free Agency special and an NFL Draft special, where new quarterbacks were introduced. There were also four special convos during the season, an Opposite Day special, a Halloween special, a special devoted to advertising, and a Christmas Special.
ProFootballMock's sister site, CollegeFootballMock.com launched a Spinoff on August 28th, 2013 called Heisman Hopefuls on Facebook, which uses college football stars instead of NFL quarterbacks, unfortunately the site was shut down on November 23rd, weeks before the Heisman winner could be announced.
The series ended in February 2015, after Super Bowl XLIX concluded the 2014 NFL season. Creator Dave Barry had left the door open to future installments, but a later post revealed that he was ending work on the ProFootballMock site, albeit leaving the site operational as an archive. One year later, a post-Super Bowl 50 convo was posted - appropriately named "For Old Time's Sake."
The series, as well as the rest of the Pro Football Mock Website, has disappeared from the internet, but portions (at least) of the series are available through various archives.
- Academic Athlete: Devin Gardner. Gardner values his University of Michigan education, constantly spouts off philosophical insight about "The Team, The Team", and is portrayed as an Only Sane Man among his peers, although his Notre Dame performance had him looking over his individual accomplishments.
- Accidental Misnaming:
Christian Ponder: I don’t have enough dignity left to even correct the spelling of my name anymore.
- Christian Ponder. Nobody gets his last name quite correct. Names include Parker, Plunder, Plummer, Pilsner, etc.
- Also applies in a meta-sense to Matt Cassel note and Ryan Mallett, two former Patriots backups who have a tendency to have their names misspelled by PFM themselves. On one occasion, Cassel's name was misspelled two different ways in the same convo.
- Speaking of Patriots backups, Tom Brady once misspelled Jimmy Garoppolo's name as "Jimmy Galapagos".
- Similarly, in HHOFB, the other characters called Devin Gardner "Denard" after former Michigan QB Denard Robinson.
- Adults Are Useless: Or, to be more precise, act like a bunch of college fraternity kids. Justified in HHOFB, as they are college fraternity kids.
- The Alcoholic: Joe Namath.
- All of the Other Reindeer: Everyone else ignores or makes fun of Joe Flacco when he tries to point out that he's elite.Andrew Luck: We'll have four great teams.Brandon Weeden: Two thrilling matchups.Christian Ponder: Three elite quarterbacks.Andy Dalton: And Joe Flacco.Joe Flacco: So help me, I will beat the Romo out of every single one of you.
- Alternate Universe: The "Meanwhile, in an Alternate Universe" convo in 2015, where all the QBs (except Rodgers) are gay, the perennial losing teams became successful (except for the Cleveland Browns), Luck is a clean-shaven, foul-mouthed draft bust, Cooper Manning became Archie's favorite son, and even won six Super Bowls, among others, Brady never made a Super Bowl, and Tony Romo became well-liked by other QBs.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking:
Michael Vick: Plus, I microwaved a hamster, beheaded an octopus, and forced a baby platypus to watch the first three seasons of "Glee".Aaron Rodgers: YOU MONSTER!
- Michael Vick has been trying to distance himself from killing dogs, but in his attempts, he goes on a killing spree with other animals. Among some of his more heinous crimes:
The Conspiracy Nut Who Interrupted Malcolm Smith's Speech: 911 WAS AN INSIDE JOB! THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKED! TRIX AREN'T REALLY JUST FOR KIDS!
- The conspiracy theorist in the Super Bowl XLVIII post.
- Art Evolution: From the 2013 Season onwards, the convos added animated or still pictures inside the textboxes.
- Art Imitates Life: In the Draftitiude convo, Tony Romo takes offense to Andy Dalton saying that Johnny Manziel could easily take his job and starts a rant about how he actually is one of the premier quarterbacks in football. However, before he can complete his rebuttal, he drops his keyboard, mirroring his constant failures at the end of each NFL season.
Jimmy Graham: Me? One of the league's top wideouts? THEN WHY DID THE SAINTS INSIST ON ONLY PAYING ME A LOWLY TIGHT END’S SALARY?Drew Brees: Because you suck at negotiating almost as much as you suck at blocking, Captain Turnstile.Jimmy Graham: THAT’S NOT TRUE. I happen to be a very good negotiator.Drew Brees: You're the worst negotiator in the world.Jimmy Graham: At the very minimum, I'm an average negotiator.Drew Brees: No, you're one of the three or four lousiest negotiators on the planet.Jimmy Graham: Okay, I guess I can live with that.
- Jimmy Graham is told by Drew Brees that he's a terrible negotiator, mirroring an incident IRL where he tried to get paid as a wide receiver but instead was paid as a tight end due to his Twitter bio where he referred to himself as a tight end.
- Artifact Title: The conversations have expanded to include players at other positions, coaches, owners, fans, etc.
- Ascended Extra: Shaun Hill is kicked out of the 2014 Preseason finale convo because he was named the Rams starter after Sam Bradford re-injured his ACL.
- Ass Shove: Sam Bradford has an affinity for putting unusual things in his ass, among the stranger items, a butt plug with his grandmother's ashes, a Toblerone, and an award, which he stuck in edgewise. In addition, at least one threat per week involves sticking something up someone else's ass.
- Atomic F-Bomb: Peyton Manning's after losing Super Bowl XLVIII lasts for three entire text boxes.
- Aaron Rodgers unleashed one after finding out the 2014 NFC Championship game wasn't a dream that lasted four text boxes and was intercut with the other QB's pointing out it could last the entire convo.
- Seattle Fans Everywhere shouted one after Patriots CB Malcolm Butler intercepted Seahawks WR Ricardo Lockette's comment in the end zone.
- Matt Ryan shouted "MOTHERFUCKER!" twice after his Falcons lost to the 49ers in the 2012 NFC Championship; the second time, it lasted for three text boxes.
- Audience Surrogate: Geno Smith in the Week 3 2014 convo where he asks what each acronym the other players use stands for.
- Backstabbing the Alpha Bitch: In a male athlete sort of way, Jameis Winston becomes the new leader of the HHOFB convo in week 8, pulling it away from Johnny Manziel.
- Bait-and-Switch: Sam Bradford's tie analogy with the twin sisters has the other quarterbacks actually curious to hear how it ends, until Bradford reveals how old they are. Cue Projectile vomiting after they hear the ending.
- Bradford later did it again when he said that he went fishing during the summer.
- Berserk Button: So many.
- Russell Wilson makes so many quarterbacks lose their cool and make death threats to him.
- Saying that Joe Flacco isn't elite.
- Bringing up the "Fail Mary" to Aaron Rodgers.
- Better by a Different Name: The theme of the Assblast convo. Joe Flacco repeatedly points out that it's just a repeat of OppositeDay with a different name but Pro Football Mock feels that it's entirely different and not ripped off.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Andrew Luck, who is the Professional Butt-Kisser in the convos, is in prison by 2021 after a committing a nine state killing spree.
- Big "NO!": Adrian Peterson after coming up 9 yards short of the NFL single season rushing yard record.
- The 2014 City of Cleveland screamed "NOOOOOOO!" (that echoes through time and space) after learning that after the Ravens moved to London in 2016, the Modell family reacquired the Browns and moved them to Baltimore, and the Baltimore Browns would later win five straight Super Bowls.
- Cardinals Fans, head coach Bruce Arians, and owner Bill Bidwell shouted "NOOOOOOOO!" after Carson Palmer said that he injured his knee and would miss the rest of the season, after he signed a huge contract with the Cardinals.
- Seattle Fans Everywhere screamed "NOOOOOOOOOO!" after the Patriots defeated the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX.
- Bilingual Bonus: Ben Roethlisberger uses British, Italian, Mexican, and Canadian accents after playing in London. In addition, he also does a Wookiee Growl and explains a joke in Binary coded ASCII.
- Black Sheep: Cooper Manning and Joani Harbaugh get this treatment by their respective families.
- Book Ends: If the prequel is included, the series started with Brady losing Super Bowl XLVI to the Giants, and it ends with Brady defeating the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX.
- With the Super Bowl 50 convo included, the series chronologically begins with Eli Manning winning the Super Bowl, then ends with Peyton Manning winning the Super Bowl.
- Brick Joke: Following his earlier time travel escapade in Opposite Day 2013, Aaron Rodgers successfully time travels again in "NFL QBs on Spacebook", traveling 26 years in the future....when he meant to only travel one week to stop Russell Wilson from winning Super Bowl XLVIII.
- Bring My Brown Pants: Joe Flacco's baby after hearing what Sam Bradford did to a baby cow.Joe Flacco's Baby: I just made Romo in my Huggies!
- In the 2014 Week 8 convo, a Labrador Retriever, Cowboys fans, and Brandon Moore's ass do this after Michael Vick returns, Jason Garrett announces that Brandon Weeden would have to start the next week due to Tony Romo's injury, and Mark Sanchez returns, respectively.
- The Bus Came Back: Or, to be more precise, it never left, as the majority of the quarterbacks who were "cut" in the final preseason convo did end up making appearances in week 1.
- But for Me, It Was Tuesday: After Russell Wilson fantasy drafts Aaron Rodgers, Rodgers threatens to throw multiple interceptions each game in an attempt to sabotage Wilson's team. Joe Flacco uses that as a setup to zing Brandon Weeden:Aaron Rodgers: WILSON, I WILL PURPOSELY THROW THREE OR FOUR PICKS EACH GAME THIS SEASON AS PART OF A STRATEGY I WILL CALL “OPERATION: SABOTAGE-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-RUSSELL-WILSON’S-FANTASY-TEAM!””Joe Flacco: Brandon Weeden just calls that "Sunday"
- Butt-Monkey: Blaine Gabbert, the city of Cleveland, Ryan Leaf, Mark Sanchez, Christian Ponder, Jay Cutler, and who can forget Tony Romo?
- Aaron Rodgers is starting to get this treatment as well.
- Butterfly of Doom: Aaron Rodgers' time traveling escapade to 2040 results in the Seattle Seahawks winning the Super Bowl, at least according to the 2040 Roger Goodell.
- Andrew Luck mentions that he decided to help the less fortunate by making pies for the homeless, which turned out to have poison berries instead of boysenberries as the main ingredient. This serves as a callback to the Spacebook convo, where Aaron Rodgers found out from the quarterbacks that Luck went to prison for going on a hobo killing spree.
- In the "Conference Brawls" convo, Peyton tells Brady that what was his (Brady) now belongs to him (Peyton), which consists of the following: Wes Welker, Brady's single season passing TD record, and the AFC Title. Weeks later, in the "Free Agency" convo, after the Broncos signed former Patriots CB Aqib Talib, Peyton says the same thing.
- When all three AFC east teams except for the Patriots win in week 1 of the 2014 season, Ryan Tannehill plays a fun game with the other AFC East QB's, where all the winners step forward, save for Tom Brady. The same thing happened in 2012 when Brady and the Patriots lost to Seattle while everyone else won, with Tannehill also serving as the leader.
- In both the Super Bowl XLVIII and the Opposite Day 2014 convos, when Brees and later, Kyle Orton tell Sam Bradford that he can't fit a huge item up his ass, Bradford replied with, "Well, not with that attitude." Also, M. Night Shyamalan makes an appearance in the aforementioned convos.
- Calling Your Attacks: Matt Ryan and Drew Brees name each others' costly turnovers. In the 2012 matchup between the two quarterbacks, Ryan names Drew Brees' interceptions Flopsy, Dropsy, Ducky, Sucky, and Mr. Wobbles. In the 2013 season opener, Brees turns the tables by calling Ryan's crucial end zone interception "The Fourth Quarter Falcon Fail".
- Canon: All the features on PFM that deal with any of the characters from the convos keep their personalities the same. This includes Intercepted Texts, a series of fake text logs between players and coaches, opinion pieces, and even the news stories that are posted.
- The Cameo: Beyoncé and Katy Perry made guest appearances in the convos whenever they're announced as that year's Super Bowl halftime performer.
- Chew Toy: Tony Romo, the Oakland Raiders and the city of Cleveland all regularly take their lumps in most conversations.Derek Carr: HEY EVERYONE, I GOT DRAFTED BY OAKLAND!Derek Carr: This is so cool. I get to play for an expansion franchise, just like my big brother.Nick Foles: The Raiders are not an expansion franchise.Derek Carr: Whoops, sorry. I meant to say an "expired" franchise
- Christmas Episode: Complete with NFL themed carols, perverted holiday sex analogies, holiday death threats, etc.
- Comically Missing the Point: When Michael Vick explains that he's waterboarded turkeys, Rodger Goodell asks him if he knows how it would sound if he tried to explain it to PETA. Vick's response:Michael Vick: Yeah, it's kind of a "gobble-gobble, glub-glub-glub" sound.Roger Goodell: double facepalm
- Comical Translation: When Tony Romo translates for Drew Brees after he loses his voice (he apparently speaks Strangled Neck-eze). he decides to take advantage of the opportunity by making it seem like Brees likes him.Drew Brees: GAHHHCACACACHHHHHHHHHTony Romo: Um, now he’s saying, “Tony Romo is a cool guy, and we should all totally hang out with him and be his friend and stuff.”Drew Brees: HAAA KAHHHLLL YOOOOO RAHMAHHHH
- Conflicting Loyalty: In the Hall of Fame Convo, Colin Kaepernick continually says "Go Dolphins" and continually forgets the fact that he is the starting quarterback for the 49ers, a reference to a real life dust-up where Kaepernick tweeted pictures of himself wearing a Dolphins hat during the off-season. This became Kaepernick's character since then.
- Confound Them with Kindness/Paranoia Gambit: In the 2014 Week 3 convo, Russell Wilson appears to genuinely congratulate Peyton Manning on a good game. Having already dealt with a similar situation after the Seahawks won the Super Bowl, with Russell Wilson's hidden message, Peyton once again believes that Wilson is doing it again, and becomes paranoid to the point where he insults himself, to the amusement of the other QB's.
- Conspiracy Theorist: The Conspiracy Nut that interrupted Super Bowl XLVIII MVP Malcolm Smith's speech, as well as Pete Carroll.
- Crossover: Eli, Peyton, and Archie Manning all appear in the week 7 HHOFB convo, then Cam Newton, Tom Brady, Tim Tebow, and Peyton again in the Week 8 congo.
- Cruel and Unusual Death: Sam Bradford is dead by 2040, as a result of an overdose of virility pills which give him a 12 hour orgasm, as well as Michael Vick, who was ripped apart by poodles.
- Cuckold: Russell Wilson manages to have the upper hand over Tom Brady despite losing Super Bowl XLIX when he sleeps with Gisele Bündchen. Brady is very upset by this.
- Cue the Flying Pigs: When Joe Flacco and the Ravens win the Super Bowl and the other quarterbacks finally bestow the elite label on him, this happens:Pigs: FlyHell: Freezes OverSun: Rises In West
Colin Kaepernick: Then we’ll all need extra strong umbrellas to protect us from the showers of hog shit that will be pouring down from the flocks of flying pigs blackening the sky.
- Conversed about in the 2014 Preseason Week 3 convo when Colin Kaepernick and Marshawn Lynch make a bet regarding who will win the NFC west. Carson Palmer asks what happens if another team, such as the Cardinals, win the West. Kaepernick replies with this zinger:
- A Date with Rosie Palms: Tom Brady admits that he was jerking off to Sam Bradford's tie analogy involving twin sisters until he found out that they were senior citizens in a nursing home with soiled adult diapers. Of course, this isn't the first time he's jerked off to an old lady on PFM
- A Day in the Limelight: The "Resting the Starters" convo features all of the teams' backup quarterbacks conversing with each other, with some of them inheriting the traits of their starters. This was due to all of the starting QBs taking the week off in preparation for the regular season.
- Deadpan Snarker: From the main cast, any quarterback not named Ben Roethlisberger, Tim Tebow, or Andrew Luck would qualify, but the biggest one is Jay Cutler.
- Deal with the Devil: Maty Mauk supposedly makes one with Satan during the week 8 HHOFB convo. Not even Tim Tebow can pull him out of it.
- Aaron Rodgers hypothesizes that the Seahawks made a bloodpact with Satan to with their games because Phillip Seymore Hoffman and Joan Rivers died the morning Seattle beat the Broncos and Packers respectively. Obviously, Seattle had them killed as part of the deal.
- Delayed Reaction: In the 2012 season's divisional round convo:Tom Brady: I tell you, I haven't gone that deep that many times since I hooked up with Roethlisberger's mom behind her titty bar.Ben Roethlisberger: HE'S SAYING MY MOM'S A PROSTITUTE AND A STRIPPER AND THAT HE HAD SEX WITH HER.Ben Roethlisberger: ...Ben Roethlisberger: Hey!
Joe Flacco: But still, that was a PRETTY DAMN ELITE PERFORMANCE, AMIRITE?Drew Brees: ...Aaron Rodgers: ...Tom Brady: ...Peyton Manning: HAHAHAHAHA JOE FLACCO STILL ISN'T ELITE!!!
- Also at the end of the Super Bowl XLVII convo:
Ben Roethlisberger: HE’S SAYING THAT I’M SORT OF SLOW WITTED.Ben Roethlisberger: ...Ben Roethlisberger: ... HEY!
- Ben Roethlisberger does it twice in the 2014 Week 5 convo after Drew Brees calls Roethlisberger dim witted:
Ben Roethlisberger: WHAT IS “THINGS JAY CUTLER’S MOM WHO IS A PROSTITUTE SAID WHEN SHE UNZIPPED MY TROUSERS AND SAW HOW TEENY-TINY MY PENIS IS.” LOLOLOLOL.Ben Roethlisberger: ...Ben Roethlisberger: ... Wait, that doesn’t work.
- And again when Roethlisberger tries to take over Cam Newton's usual gag:
- In both instances, the timestamp shows that each of Roethlisberger's comments comes an hour after the previous one.
- Demoted to Extra: What happened to Mike Glennon, Mark Sanchez, and Michael Vick in the 2014 Preseason finale convo, as they all became backups
- Ryan Fitzpatrick was also demoted as the Texans traded for Ryan Mallett the day before the preseason finale convo was released, although it was unclear who had been named the starter as both quarterbacks had an appearance.
- Didn't Think This Through: Tom Brady's Fantasy QB Draft backfires on him, since going with a "least to most handsome" draft order winds him with him getting stuck with Mark Sanchez.
- Didn't We Use This Joke Already?:
Aaron Rodgers: WILSON, ON SEPTEMBER 4th, I AM GOING TO JAM THAT LOMBARDI TROPHY UP YOUR PEEHOLE LIKE IT’S THE WORLD’S LARGEST METAL CATHETER....Peyton Manning: WILSON, I WILL SHOVE THAT LOMBARDI TROPHY UP YOUR PEEHOLE LIKE IT’S THE WORLD’S BIGGEST...Aaron Rodgers: I already did that line.
- The 2014 NFL draft convo has Peyton Manning steal Aaron Rodgers' threat to Russell Wilson, only to be interrupted by Rodgers pointing out he already made the threat earlier.
- The "Assblast" Convo is lampshaded several times as just being a rehash of the "Opposite Day" convos, one of which was already used during the season.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: After Wes Welker signs with the Broncos in free agency, he and Tom Brady have a...rather awkward conversation which could draw similarities to catching up with an ex-girlfriend. Matthew Stafford notices and, in his usual confusing Facebook with Twitter fashion, lampshades it.
- The Dog Bites Back: Aside from what happened after the Seahawks got eliminated from the playoffs, Wilson gets trolled by Ryan Tannehill after the Dolphins defeated the Seahawks.
- Tony Romo did this to Brady and Ryan after they lost in their respective Conference Championship games in 2012.
- Flacco did this to Brady after the latter was not mentioned as part of the E.L.I.T.E.S, due to Brady's mediocre performances during the first three weeks in the 2014 season, and how he didn't beat the Raiders by three touchdowns.
- Don't Celebrate Just Yet: Aaron Rodgers turns off the Texans-Seahawks game at halftime to celebrate by spray painting the Seattle Space Needle with the words, "3-1. Suck it Losers!" When he finds out what actually happens:Aaron Rodgers: OH FUCK ME!
- Don't Explain the Joke: Ben Roethlisberger always explains jokes, often in a loud voice.
- In the Alternate Universe, Teddy Bridgewater explains jokes. The Alternate Universe Roethlisberger is annoyed by this.
- The Steelers' quarterbacks have this trait, including Terry Bradshaw, Neil O'Donnell, Kordell Stewart, and backup QB Bruce Gradkowski.
- Drinking Game: Tom Brady suggests a teetotaler version for the 2014 Advertising special: take a drink every time Geno Smith and the Jets make a positive offensive play. When Andy Dalton asks when people can drink, Brady says when the Jets draft Marcus Mariota
- Driven to Suicide: Cleveland's reaction to the following:City of Cleveland: (slits wrists) — After being reminded by Brees that the Ravens became a winning team after moving from Cleveland to Baltimore in 1996City of Cleveland: (closes garage door, turns on car engine, waits for sweet relief of death) — After the Ravens won Super Bowl XLVIICleveland Browns Fans: (commit suicide by throwing selves into nearest dumpster fire) — After Josh Gordon is suspended for drugs, Nate Burleson breaks his arm, and the rest of the Browns receivers predictably sucksBrowns Fans: (ties Manziel jersey into noose, slips it around neck, leaps from stool) — After Flacco complained that the Ravens won only two Super Bowls in their 18-year historyBrowns Fans: (slashes wrists) — After Pro Football Mock told them that the Browns are doomed to suck forever in all possible universes
Tom Brady: NO!!!! I'D RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN HAVE MARK SANCHEZ AS MY TEAM’S QUARTERBACK!Jets Fans: (Ties big rock to feet, jumps in Hudson River)
- Also Jets' fans response to Brady drafting Sanchez as his fantasy quarterback:
- Marcus Mariota upon realizing that he's likely going to be drafted by the Jets.
- Drunk with Power: John Elway during the 2014 free agency period, to the point where he attempts to sign JJ Watt, Jimmy Graham, Roger Goodell, a new salary cap, basketball star Kobe Bryant, retired tennis star Steffi Graf, Pikachu, and 2013 spelling bee champion Arvind Mahankali to contracts.
- Dumb Muscle: Ben Roethlisberger, to go along with his joke explainer schtick.
- In Heisman Hopefuls on Facebook, Teddy Bridgewater is portrayed as a good quarterback, who is...mentally challenged. He loses this role when he's drafted into the NFL.
- Earworm: In-universe; Carson Palmer complains about Peyton saying things to the tune of the Nationwide jingle ("Nationwide is on your side"), and how it's now stuck in his head.
- Eat That: After the Broncos defeated the Giants in Week 2, 2013, Peyton made Eli eat a slice of Papa John's pizza, which Roethlisberger describes as "tasting like ass".
- Eat the Dog: Marshawn Lynch goes over to Colin Kaepernick's house for Thanksgiving and ends up confusing his pet turtle, Sammy for a giant green skittle.
- End-of-Series Awareness: In the finale.Drew Brees: Fine. Go ahead. Get all these “[Cutler's] Mom jokes” out of your system. Might as well, since it’s our last convo and all.Colin Kaepernick: Yeah, use them up, since this is our last… WAIT, IT’S OUR WHAT?!?!Drew Brees: Our last convo. What, did you think this was going to go on forever and ever. It’s not the Cleveland Browns Super Bowl drought, you know.
- Enemy Mine: Geno Smith and E.J. Manuel join Ryan Tannehill in mocking Tom Brady for losing to the Dolphins in Week 1 2014.
- All the elite quarterbacks (minus Brady) agree to band together to beat the Seahawks in the 2014 Week 3 convo.
- Aaron Rodgers is just as happy about Tom Brady's Super Bowl win over Russell Wilson as Brady is.
- Even Evil Has Standards/Everyone Has Standards: Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman gets called out by Darth Vader, Voldemort, and Bill Belichick, as well as Rodgers, Ryan, and Cutler for his unsportsmanlike comments about beating the 49ers in the 2014 NFC Championship.Richard Sherman: WHEN YOU MATCH ME UP AGAINST A SORRY RECEIVER LIKE MICHAEL CRABTREE, IMMA WHIP HIS ASS ON NATIONAL TV AND THEN CALL HIM NAMES WHILE HIS MAMA WATCHESDarth Vader: BOOOOO!Lord Voldemort: HISSSSSS!Bill Belichick: HE’S SO EVIL!Richard Sherman: I TORE THE 49ers APART AT THE SEAMS YESTERDAY LIKE A PAIR OF JIM HARBAUGH’S CHEAP WALMART KHAKIS!Aaron Rodgers: SHUT YOUR UNSPORTSMANLIKE TAUNTHOLE, RICHARD SHERMAN.Matt Ryan: You're behaving like an immature, arrogant, annoying little prick.Jay Cutler: And this is US telling you that, for Christ’s sake.
- Everyone Has Standards: Tom Brady, who is considered one of the biggest jerks in the convos and the PFM Canon points out that the Saints fan at the Saints-Bengals game who stole the ball from the Bengals fan is a jerk and a loser. He gets a like on his comment from the site which reads:Seriously, fuck this guy.
SERIOUSLY SANCHEZ, YOU NEED THERAPY, YOU TWISTED FREAK!
- Sam Bradford, the Extreme Omnisexual whose sexual exploits frequently discomfort the other quarterbacks, reacts to Mark Sanchez stating that he self-pleasures thinking about Gisele Bundchen having a threesome with John Madden and Al Davis's rotting corpse:
- Everything's Better with Monkeys: After Matt Ryan and the Falcons defeated the Seahawks in the 2012 Divisional, the monkey that was on Ryan's back went to Andy Dalton, where Dalton has yet to win a playoff game.Matt Ryan: MAN, does it feel good to get that monkey off my back.The Monkey that was on Matt Ryan's Back: Can anyone give me directions to Andy Dalton's house?(The following season, after the Bengals lost to the Chargers in the 2013 Wild Card)Matt Ryan: Well I’m just glad I got the "no-playoff-win" monkey off MY back last season and onto yours, Dalton.The Monkey on Andy Dalton's Back: It’s pretty comfortable up here, Ginger Nuts. Think I’ll stay a while.
- Everything's Deader with Zombies: In the "Red Zone" convo in 2003, Bucs players Darrelle Revis and Doug Martin, as well as head coach Greg Schiano become flesh-eating zombies after the entire team had staph infections.
- Everything Is Racist: When Cam Newton casually mentions that he turned down playing Johnny Unitas in the new biopic, Drew Brees is shocked that the movie studio asked him, and says that Newton couldn't be Unitas because he's... a terrible quarterback to which Roethlisberger points out the obvious.
- Warren Moon is apparently racist, as he confuses Riley Cooper with Kevin Kolb, and then says that all crappy white players look the same to him.
- Every Year They Fizzle Out: In the 2012 season, Matt Ryan was always reminded by his rivals that he hasn't won a playoff game, until he defeated the Seahawks in the 2012 Divisional. That role is now played by Andy Dalton.
- Tony Romo being reminded that he blows it every December. Averted during the 2014 season, in which the Cowboys made the playoffs that year, but the Month of December gets the last laugh after they get defeated by the Packers in the Divisional Round, and declaring that they "lost on December 42nd".
- Peyton Manning being reminded that while he's a great quarterback in the regular season, he gets crushed in the playoffs.
- Excuse Me While I Multitask: Marcus Mariota is able to simultaneously participate in the Week 5 HHOFB convo and play against the University of California. He even posts while scoring two touchdowns. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
- Extreme Door Mat: Andrew Luck.
- Extreme Omnisexual: Sam Bradford. And how!
- Famous Last Words:Ben Roethlisberger: PASTA LA VISTA, BABY!
- Fan Fic: Fans have started to create convos in the comments section of articles using the characters, as well as a few inventions of their own (like Darth Anonymous, Gisele Bündchen's love children with the other NFL quarterbacks, and openly gay football player Michael Sam) as a way to cope with the long gaps between offseason convos.
- Fanon Discontinuity: All in-universe examples:
- The other players refuse to acknowledge that Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl, much to his frustration.
- Similarly, the other QBs don't recognize Brady's Super Bowl wins due to the 2007 Spygate scandal.
- The other QB's think that Josh McCown is a rookie, despite the fact that he's played pro football for 12 years.
- Fanservice: The pictures of the NFL quarterbacks' wives and girlfriends that are posted in the convo, which include Gisele Bündchen, Lauren Tannehill, Katherine Webb, and Lindsay Duke, respective WAGs of Tom Brady, Ryan Tannehill, AJ McCarron and Blake Bortles.
- Felony Misdemeanor: When ordered by Roger Goodell to confess to him about their darkest secrets, Andrew Luck confessed to recording the Los Angeles Dodgers-San Francisco Giants game last Saturday without the MLB's permission.
- Five Stages of Grief: Brees mentions that quarterbacks experience the "Five Stages of Playoff Grief" after losing in the playoffs.
- Flanderization: As the first season wore on, certain characters developed traits that would define their characters. A few are mentioned in the Running Gag section.
- In the "Draft-valry" thread, they each explain their characteristics to EJ Manuel because the rookie quarterbacks will each have to come up with one (or, since Matt Barkley wouldn't shut up, have "Guy who likes to fuck baby rhinos" assigned to him by Tom Brady, which Sam Bradford said was his gag).
- "Flowers for Algernon" Syndrome: After taking one too many hits from the Baltimore Ravens defense, Ben Roethlisberger becomes abnormally intelligent. It doesn't last. That week's episode is titled "Flowers for Ben".
- Follow the Leader: In-universe; After Marshawn Lynch calls himself "BEAST MODE", Packers RB Eddie Lacy reluctantly refers to himself as "LACE MODE" (after some prodding by Rodgers), 49ers RB Frank Gore is known as "GORE MODE", and Patriots RB LeGarrette Blount is known as "BLUNT FORCE".
- Football Dad: Archie Manning, towards both his quarterback sons, yo-yoing in favor depending on which is doing better, sometimes forsaking them both.
- The Force Is Strong with This One: Parodied in the NFL Draft special, after Matt Barkley complains about not being taken in the first round, Peyton Manning points out that "The douche is strong with this one".
- Fratbro: Johnny Manziel is setting himself up to be one, judging from his reaction being drafted by the Cleveland Browns.Johnny Manziel: DAMMIT! I WAS SUPPOSED TO END UP IN EITHER HOUSTON OR DALLAS, WHERE ALL THE GOOD TITTY BARS ARE!
- The Friend Nobody Likes: Two examples:
Tony Romo: On one hand, the fact that you guys consider a friendship with me to be some sort of punishment is pretty insulting. On the other hand, YAY! DREW BREES AND I ARE NOW BESTIES!!! BFF’s FOREVER, WHOOO!!!Drew Brees: KILL ME NOW!
- Tony Romo, the Straw Loser who all the other quarterbacks make fun of on a regular basis and refuse to hang out with. Made clear during the 2014 Preseason Week 3 convo when Drew Brees loses a bet with Matt Ryan and is forced to spend the year being Romo's friend.
- Fun with Acronyms: Colin Kaepernick mentions that he owns the Packers as a subsidiary of his "King Kaepernick Korporation, or, as Tony Romo points out, KKK for short.
Dan Snyder: HAIL TO THE T.A.R.D.s!
- After giving in to public demand in 2017, Dan Snyder had to rename the Washington Redskins the Washington Terrible Asian Road Drivers, or "T.A.R.D's" for short.
- In the Alternate Universe convo, the Redskins changed their name to the Washington Native American Gridiron Squad.
- The theme for the Week 3, 2014 convo, "TL;DR".
- In the 2014 Week 11 Convos, "ASSBLAST" stands for Assorted Scoring Successes By Losers Against Superior Teams.
- The Generic Guy: Ryan Tannehill. Joe Flacco cites this as the reason for getting him a boring "Secret Santa" gift (a Starbucks gift card).Joe Flacco: HE’S THE MOST BORING QB IN OUR CONVOS!
- Genius Bruiser: Marshawn Lynch's BEAST MODE rants often contain some degree of philosophical insight, despite being written in Hulk Speak with No Indoor Voice. This is particularly evident in his op-ed on why he decided to hold out of 2014 training camp especially when he talks about developing a Skittle-cauliflour hybrid plant and mentions binge watching Downton Abbey.
- Genre Savvy: The players try to avoid saying the word "tie" because they know if they do Sam Bradford will chime in with a perverted tie analogy. Unfortunately, someone will eventually slip up.
- "Gift of the Magi" Plot: Sam Bradford and Colin Kaepernick's Secret Santa exchange.
- Glass Cannon: Robert Griffin III is injury-prone, mainly due to Mike Shanahan's disregard for Griffin's health in the 2012 season. Griffin's son, Robert Griffin IV, later inherited this from his father.
- This is averted in the Alternate Universe, as the other QB's call him "Ironman".
- God: God makes an appearance in the week 11 convo, explaining how he's been messing with the Ravens by setting up the blackout in the Super Bowl, as well as the severe weather in Denver and Chicago. He explains that while he hates the Ravens, he put them in the Super Bowl because he wanted to piss off the devil, which is revealed to be Bill Belichick, as well as his favorite team, which is, "anyone that plays the Eagles." Eagles fans are not fazed by this.
- Gosh Darn It to Heck!: Andrew Luck does this instead of cursing like a sailor like the other characters.
- Grand Finale: The Super Bowl XLIX convo, titled Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen
- Groin Attack: Philip Rivers sticks pins in his voodoo doll set right where it hurts:Joe Flacco: OW, MY SCROTUM!Ryan Tannehill: OW, MY SCROTUM!Alex Smith: OW, MY UPPER THIGH!Philip Rivers: Sorry, I missed.Alex Smith: OW, MY SCROTUM!
- Hair-Trigger Temper: Aaron Rodgers, mainly because of Russell Wilson, and Aaron Murray, mainly because of James Franklin.
- Halloween Episode: With the quarterbacks' avatars changed to fit the theme. For example, Tom Brady's avatar was a Queen's Guardsman (in reference to the Patriots' game against the Rams in England), Russell Wilson's avatar was a "Trollface" mask, and Ben Roethlisberger's avatar was The Bumblebee Man (in reference the Steelers' striped jerseys they wore for that season).
- Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?: Aaron Rodgers has to do this repeatedly in "Wild Card Shuffle", following a real-life interview where he commented on rumors of being gay:Jay Cutler: You’re as useless as girl-on-girl porno to Aaron Rodgers.Aaron Rodgers: For the last time I AM NOT GAY. I REALLY, REALLY LOVE WOMEN.
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: in the Fantasy draft episode, the quarterbacks draft each other with the order based on who's the most handsome. Brady also makes certain rules: you can't draft yourself (Aaron Rodgers does this, and is forced by Russell Wilson to take him) you can only take quarterbacks (Roethlisberger takes Adrian Peterson and ends up having to take Blaine Gabbert), and you have to pay attention and not inquire on the availability of Drew Brees. (Three quarterbacks do this and are initially saddled with Mark Sanchez, but after persuading Brady to not give them Sanchez, Brady changes their picks.) When Brady gets ready to make his pick, he realizes too late that Sanchez is the only QB left, and after letting out a well timed Precision F-Strike, he sheepishly inquires if Drew Brees is still available.
Lauren Tannehill: SO BITE THE PILLOW, PATSY McCHOKER. ‘CAUSE ME AND MY STRAP-ON “GOLIATH” ARE COMING IN DRY!
- Brady stated an unwritten rule in which he gets to sleep with the losing quarterback's wife/girlfriend whenever he wins, and tells them to get a wife/girlfriend if they don't have one. It backfired on him in the Week 15 convo (during Season 2), when after the Patriots lost to the Dolphins, Lauren Tannehill (Ryan Tannehill's wife) gets to sleep with Brady, but with the roles reversed; she plays the pitcher to Brady's catcher.
- Hollywood Tourette's: Andrew Luck inexplicably comes down with a case of this after beating Peyton Manning and the Broncos, as did Aaron Rodgers in 2010, after he defeated Brett Favre and the Vikings.
- Hufflepuff House: The Tennessee Titans, specifically their QB's, are barely, if ever mentioned in the convos.
- Hulk Speak: Marshawn Lynch types in all caps, refers to himself in the third person as Beast Mode, and apparently does not have a good grasp of grammar. Also, when Ben Roethlisberger's contract is restructured, this exchange happens:Matt Schaub: In other news, apparently the Steelers restructured Roethlisberger's contract.Cam Newton: Yeah, but that was just to take out all the big words.Eli Manning: Now it just reads "Ben Throw TD's. Not Rape Pretty Girls. Get money."Ben Roethlisberger: BECAUSE I AM NOT A VERY SMART MAN.
- Hypocritical Humor: After the Seahawks eliminate the 49ers in the 2013 NFC Championship, Jim Harbaugh complains about the refs, and gets ranted back by, of all people, Seahawks fans:Seahawks Fans: SHUT YOUR WHINEHOLE, JIM HARBAUGH. You got beat FAIR AND SQUARE by the mighty Seahawks. ONLY SORE LOSERS COMPLAIN ABOUT OFFICIATING.Alex Smith: You Seahawks fans must be thrilled to be going to the Super Bowl, eh?Seahawks Fans: Yes. FINALLY we can avenge that 2006 loss to Pittsburgh that was TOTALLY the fault of the refs.
Andrew Luck: Since we’re all talking about music, I guess you could say that the Bengals had the “Eye of the TIE-ger.” Do you get it? Because that’s a famous 80’s song, and a Bengal is a kind of tiger, so…Ben Roethlisberger: IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE THEN IT ISN’T FUNNY, ANDREW LUCK.
- From Week 6 2014:
NFL Legal Department: Commissioner, this isn't Twitter. They can see what you're typing.Roger Goodell: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
- When Roger Goodell tries to shut down the convos, one of his justifications is that the quarterbacks' use of profanity hurts the NFL's image. After Drew Brees' "The Reason You Suck" Speech, Goodell warns the NFL's lawyers that they may need to deal with the QBs permanently. However, Goodell realizes too late that his comments are public:
Aaron Rodgers: (to Peyton Manning) Well if you decide to retire, then do us all a favor and STAY RETIRED. There’s nothing worse than some asshole who makes a big “I quit” speech, then changes his mind and comes back a year later.Pro Football Mock: Amen to that.
- At the end of the "For Old Time's Sake" convo:
- I Love Nuclear Power: Averted, After Colin Kaepernick mentions how he and his turtle, Sammy are going to see the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, Ben Roethlesberger gets the idea to give Sammy superpowers by feeding him radioactive waste. It doesn't go well for Sammy as he ends up with radiation poisoning, puking up bloody blue-green phlegm, according to Kaepernick.
- Incoming Ham
- "BEAST MODE, MOTHERFUCKERS."
- "LEGION OF BOOM, BITCHES!"
- Almost everyone who makes the opening comment for the convos.
- Incredibly Lame Pun: Tony Gonzalez asks which quarterback's head he's going to bash in for failing to get him into the Super Bowl (Matt Ryan). What follows are a series of lame jokes that relate to each character's real life criminal issues.Ray Lewis: I'll take a stab at it.Plaxico Burress I'll take a shot at it.Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: I'll take a crack at it.Ben Roethlisberger: I'LL TAKE AN ALLEGED MULTIPLE DATE RAPE AT IT.
Russell Wilson: Thanks for the game-winning past interference, Aaron.
- After Aaron Rodgers' time traveling caused what would have been a Broncos blowout win to become a Seahawks blowout win, Wilson thanked him.
- Initiation Ceremony: The central theme for the "Hazing the Rookies" convo.
- Insistent Terminology: In the "Assblast" convo, ProFootballMock insists on referring to the second opposite day as "Assblast Week".
- I Take Offense to That Last One!: Brady, Peyton, Dalton, Foles, and Brees were all insulted about being compared to Romo when they all lost on Week 15 in 2013, and even began to felt sorry for him, but when Romo finally showed up at the end, they all insulted him again after the Cowboys lost to the Packers.
Colin Kaepernick: This sure was a bad week for you, Rodgers. First you get exposed as a gay man. Then you get exposed as a crappy QB. HAHAHAHAAaron Rodgers: I AM NOT A CRAPPY QB, GODDAMMIT!Aaron Rodgers: AND ALSO I AM NOT GAY!
- Also, from Wild Card Shuffle:
Alex Smith: PEYTON MANNING? MORE LIKE "ELI" MANNING, AMIRITE?Peyton Manning: NOW THAT'S GOING TOO FAR. YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
- After the Broncos lose to the Colts in the 2014 NFL Divisional playoffs, Alex Smith makes fun of Peyton Manning by calling him by his younger brother's name. It doesn't go over well.
- It's a Wonderful Plot: With Johnny Manziel taking the role of George Bailey (although in this case he comes off as a whiny little bitch), and a pot smoking Ryan Leaf taking the role of Clarence, Manziel learns that the NFL would be better without him and only ESPN would miss him.
- Jerk Ass: Everyone, including Tim Tebow at one point. And how. The only exceptions are Andrew Luck and Greg McElroy, even Luck's threat to Russell Wilson was a lot less malicious then anyone else's.
- Jerkass Has a Point: Jay Cutler says that fantasy football is a game for losers, dorks, and virgins. Cue Tony Romo, Brandon Weeden and Tim Tebow getting excited for Tom Brady's fantasy football draft.
- The Jinx: Whenever Tony Romo cheers for a team, said team ends up on the losing side. Prior to the 2014 season, Romo admitted to cheering for the following: the Miami Heat, the New York Rangers, the Kentucky Wildcats, Roger Federer, the Brazilian national soccer team, and California Chrome (during the Belmont Stakes).
- Jive Turkey: Riley Cooper attempts to distance himself from his racist incident by dressing in blackface and spouting off random ebonics.
- Just a Stupid Accent: Gisele Bündchen's accent in the series finale leaves many of the quarterbacks confused.
- Karma Houdini: Russell Wilson, as seen in the Grand Finale. Despite losing the Super Bowl to the Patriots, Wilson reminds his three greatest enemies in the series, incidentally, the three main characters, Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady, that he has something of theirs in his room: From Rodgers, he has a framed picture of the Fail Mary catch, from Manning, the Lombardi Trophy, and from Brady, Gisele Bündchen's panties.
- Karmic Death: Mark Sanchez tragically dies when his hoverboard collides with the tail end of a 747. So effectively, he dies after stumbling headfirst into the back end of a Jet. Also, Michael Vick is mauled by a pack of rabid poodles in '22.
- Lampshade Hanging: After Tom Brady and Wes Welker have their ...awkward reunion, complete with the introduction of Danny Amendola as Brady's "new man", Mark Sanchez questions if anyone remembers when the conversations were at least believable. Brandon Moore's butt gives him the answer, and reminds him of his greatest failure.Mark Sanchez: Does anyone remember when these facebook convos were at least SOMEWHAT grounded in reality?Brandon Moore's Ass: No, but I remember when you grounded our playoff hopes by stumbling face first into my butt hole.
- Large Ham: 49ers cornerback Perrish Cox. William Shatner commented on what a ham Cox has become.
- Laser-Guided Karma: After Tom Brady spent most of the series sleeping with the other players' wives and girlfriends, his wife Gisele got back at him by sleeping with Russell Wilson while Brady was celebrating his Super Bowl win.
- Leaning on the Fourth Wall: After learning that Peyton Manning had "cut" him from the convos, Matt Schaub says that he hates PFM, to which Drew Brees asks him to clarify, to which he says Peyton Fucking Manning, although it was clear that he was referring to Pro Football Mock.
- Loads and Loads of Characters: Considering the NFL has 32 teams with 32 quarterbacks, not including the backups and other NFL players, this could rival the Simpsons for the amount of characters it has.
- The Loins Sleep Tonight: Ryan Tannehill revealed that he couldn't get it up, which was confirmed by his wife, Lauren.
- Lovable Sex Maniac: Tom Brady, even to to the point where he points out that Matt Schaub, Matt Ryan, and Ryan Tannehill's wives and Beyoncé should be bedding with him, and at least two of them supposedly do.
- Lower-Deck Episode: The final convo of the 2014 preseason is done by the backup quarterbacks instead of the regulars.
- The Ludovico Technique: Josh McCown forces Michael Sam watch Sam Bradford's sex tapes by using this method, Philip Rivers and EJ Manuel beg him to stop, as exposure to such horror will make anyone go insane, The results are predictable:Alex Smith: Too late.Ben Roethlisberger: BECAUSE NO SANE PERSON LIKES JOE BUCK
- Made of Evil: Bill Belichick makes it abundantly clear how evil he is during the playoffs, with schemes ranging from videotaping the 49ers in preparation for the Super Bowl to poisoning Matt Schaub with an apple a lá Snow White, When the Patriots are beaten by the Ravens, Belichick not only calls Tom Brady, who has already won three Super Bowls under him, a bust, but casually tosses out that he has "a birthmark of three sixes on his asscheek", and that he will not do a postgame interview as he feels that nothing less than "three strangled hobos and a litter of crushed puppies" will get him to even think about the game.
- Make Wrong What Once Went Right: At least from Aaron Rodgers' point of view. His time travel to the year 2040 changed the outcome of the Super Bowl from the Broncos blowing out the Seahawks to what actually happened... the Seahawks blowing out the Broncos. Then again, this was 2040 Roger Goodell telling us this.
- Malicious Misnaming: After Eli loses the Manning Bowl, Peyton hacks his Facebook and changes his name to "Big Stupid Loser".
- Peyton hacked Brady's account after beating him in the 2013 AFC Championship, this time changing Brady's avatar into a pile of poop, and his password to "Captain Playoff Failure McLittleDick".
- Manchild: Jim Harbaugh.Jim Harbaugh: WAAAH! I CAN’T BELIEVE WE LOST TO THE STUPID COLTS! IT’S NOT FAIR! THE FANS WERE TOO LOUD!Matt Schaub: You were playing in front of your home crowd, Coach Harbaugh.Jim Harbaugh: THEN THEY WEREN’T LOUD ENOUGH! WAHHH!
- Meanwhile, in the Future...: "NFL QBs on Spacebook", taking place in the year 2040 with a time-traveling Aaron Rodgers as the central character.
- Meta Guy: Ben Roethlisberger starts to go beyond his "Joke explainer" role when he questions the logic of some of the jokes in the Wild Card convo. This bothers Tom Brady, who tells him to stop and get back to his old role.
- Misplaced Retribution: Aaron Rodgers absolutely hates Russell Wilson because of the botched call from the 2012 Packers-Seahawks game. This is later subverted as Wilson takes every opportunity to make Rodgers' life miserable through trolling.
- Mistaken for Gay: Aaron Rodgers endures plenty of gay jokes during the 2013 Wild Card convo, and angrily denies that he is in fact gay. In "Meanwhile, In An Alternate Universe", this is inverted, as, since all the other quarterbacks are gay, Aaron Rodgers angrily denies that he is in fact straight.
- Mouthy Rookie: In "Hazing the Rookies", Johnny Manziel mouths off to Peyton Manning after he brags about beating the Seahawks in the preseason. This leads Manning and the other vets to conclude that the rookies are too arrogant and need to be hazed so they'll show proper respect.
- Moving the Goalposts: Peyton, Brady, Brees, and Rodgers are doing whatever it takes to keep Flacco from joining the Elite Club, by the following:
- In the Super Bowl XLVII convo, Brady told Flacco that he has to throw for at least 300 yards in the Super Bowl.
- In the Week 6 2014 convo, Flacco threw five TDs in his win against the Bucs, but Brady, Brees and Rodgers told him that he's still not elite because he threw his fifth touchdown in the second quarter, and that he must throw five of them in the first quarter to be elite.
- Mr. Exposition: Philip Rivers always announces the appearances by non-NFL quarterbacks. Drew Brees also played a similar role.
- Mushroom Samba: Drew Brees chugs Nyquil and starts hallucinating throughout the week 13 convo, mistaking Colin Kaepernick as Gonzo from the Muppets, and Andy Dalton as a talking engorged dog penis, as well as pondering the mysteries of the universe.
- My New Gift Is Lame: A variation occurs in "Secret Santa" after several players give each other gag gifts:Joe Flacco: Hey Ryan Tannehill. I left your Secret Santa gift in your locker for you.
Ryan Tannehill: This $15 gift card for Starbucks?
Joe Flacco: Yeah. I figured you could, you know, get yourself a couple of lattes, or whatever. On me.
Ryan Tannehill: Okay. Thanks, I guess.
Peyton Manning: FLACCO, THAT IS THE MOST BORING SECRET SANTA GIFT EVER.
Joe Flacco: WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? APART FROM HAVING A HOT WIFE AND LOOKING LIKE DANIEL TOSH, RYAN TANNEHILL HAS NO UNIQUE “THING” TO EXPLOIT. HE’S THE MOST BORING QB IN OUR CONVOS!
- Mythology Gag: The Hall of Fame Convo is taken over by the geriatric... I mean classic quarterbacks. Some have the same personality quirks as the current quarterbacks, like Joe Montana's rivalry with Steve Young and Terry Bradshaw and Neil O'Donnell's penchant for explaining jokes, while others, like Joe Namath and Brett Favre, have entirely different quirks. The sudden appearance of the classic Hall of Famers clearly annoys the current ones.
- Apparently, the backups have some of the personality quirks that the starters do, as evidenced by Kirk Cousins and Rex Grossman both wanting RGIII's job (a lá Colin Kaepernick in 2012), Kevin Kolb's concussion problem, Geno Smith playing like Mark Sanchez, and Vince Young issuing threats to Brady Quinn.
- In his NFL Quarterbacks on Facebook debut, Bridgewater actually subverts this through his new gimmick, which the quarterbacks describe as Guy who sounds like he gargles a thesaurus.
- Never My Fault: Played with in the "Seachamps" convo, when Peyton tries to blame his center, Manny Ramirez, as well as Joe Namath and Wes Welker, for losing the Super Bowl, until Aaron Rodgers (see below) unwittingly helped the Seahawks win it.
- Played straight in the Week 3, 2014 convo, when he blamed Broncos running back Montee Ball, as well as his defense, for losing to the Seahawks in overtime, and again in Week 9 after the Broncos lost to the Patriots.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: A week before the Super Bowl, Aaron Rodgers travels to the future to find out how the game went in order to prevent Russell Wilson from winning. After he comes back to the present where the Seahawks won 43-8, Roger Goodell's future self also comes back and informs him (and the rest of the players) that in the original timeline (the one where Rodgers didn't travel to the future) the Broncos won by 50 points. Peyton Manning and Rodgers do not take this well.
- "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: ProFootballMock would mention that the following things did happen in the convos, like Tony Romo naming his son "Rivers Romo", Jerry Jones being named the 2015 NFL Executive of the Year, and Peyton Manning getting a paid endorsement for Budweiser for his Super Bowl 50 victory speech,
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Obviously, these are parodies of the real NFL Quarterbacks.
- No Indoor Voice: PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING!, BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS!, every threat made to Russell Wilson, the list goes on.
Andrew Luck: I WILL SAY RESPECTFUL THINGS TO YOUR FACE BUT WILL ONLY BE 80-85% SINCERE, WILSON!!!
- Even Andrew Luck can get angry enough to shout. But he's still nice about it.
Manny Ramirez: It wasn’t my fault! I couldn’t hear the snap count because the Seahawks home crowd was too loud!Mike Glennon: You were on a neutral site. The stadium was, at most, only half filled with Seahawks fans.Seahawks Fans: WE’RE JUST THAT FUCKING LOUD!Manny Ramirez: (snaps ball)
- BECAUSE BEN ROETHLISBERGER NEEDS TO BE LOUD TO EXPLAIN THE JOKES, YOU SEE.
- The Seahawks fans are really that loud, even outside of Seattle.
- Noodle Incident/Bestiality Is Depraved: Apparently Sam Bradford has had oral sex with a horse, as he mentions that the other quarterbacks who give him grief for misquoting "You should never look a gift horse in the mouth" sound just like "that uptight security guard at the petting zoo".
- Not That There's Anything Wrong with That: Said almost word for word by Aaron Rodgers when it's found out that pictures of his shriveled penis were being sent by Brett Favre to women. Jay Cutler assumes he's talking about women because he mentions that he was thinking of something that disgusted him, (followed by another gay joke explanation by Ben Roethlisberger). Rodgers again points out he's not gay, but adds the line:Aaron Rodgers: AND I WILL TELL YOU ONCE AGAIN THAT I'M NOT GAYAaron Rodgers: BUT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, JUST BY THE WAY.Peyton Manning: Leave it to a gay guy to break into song.
- Not Quite Dead: Roger Goodell talks about eliminating the controversial Tuck Rule. The rotting corpse of Al Davis rips him for this. Also, when Jim Harbaugh complains that losing the Super Bowl is the worst thing that's happened to anyone in the history of ever, Anne Frank's ghost rips him for it.
- In the Halloween 2013 convo, the deceased legendary figures in the NFL spun in their graves to the following:
- Tom Landry and George Allen, after the Cowboys and Redskins lost that week's game, and in danger of getting a non-winning season and missing the playoffs.
- Vince Lombardi and Bill Walsh, after the Packers and 49ers began running the ball more, when these teams were traditionally pass-heavy.
- Joe Namath's liver, after the Jets got stomped by the Bengals.
- The Steelers' Playoff Chances, after Raiders QB Terrelle Pryor ran 93 yards for a touchdown. Chuck Noll, Mean Joe Greene, and Jack Lambert initially spun in their graves, until Brees, Alex Smith, and Peyton said that they were still alive, and Rodgers said that the joke only works when they're actually dead.
- This gag was repeated again in the Halloween 2014 convo:
- The Steel Curtain Defense, after Andrew Luck threw for 400 yards and three touchdowns, despite his Colts losing to the Steelers.
- Al Davis, after Kaepernick mentioned that the Raiders still hold the record for "Sandiest Vagina Over A Tom Brady Beatdown."
- The Once-Great Dallas-Washington Rivalry, after Romo became confident that he can beat the "Sad Sack Redskins".
- In the Halloween 2013 convo, the deceased legendary figures in the NFL spun in their graves to the following:
- Nurture over Nature: Archie Manning claims the reason why Eli won two Super Bowls was because he was trained to by him, and that Eli's whole career was the result of a bet with Olivia Manning.
- Occam's Razor: Aaron Rodgers explains the phenomenon word for word when coming up with a theory as to why the Seahawks have been winning as of late, with Teddy Bridgewater backing him up on it (his friend Occam told him about it while shaving).
- Older Than They Look: Because Brandon Weeden was a rookie at age 28, this is his shtick. In the Spacebook convo, he has a great grandson named Timmy Weeden.
- One Steve Limit: Averted. in the Fantasy draft convo, there are four Matts: Matt Ryan, Matt Flynn, Matt Stafford, and Matt Schaub, not to mention the non participating quarterbacks, Matt Cassel, Matt Hasselbeck, and Matt Barkley who "like" Philip Rivers' pointing out that there are a lot of Matts who play quarterback.
- Matt Scott joins the Matt Club in 2014.
- Three of the backup quarterbacks are named "Ryan": Ryan Nassib, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Ryan Mallett. Upon learning this, Nassib tries to change his name to Matt.
- Only Sane Man: Greg McElroy.McElroy: Wow. You guys are REALLY mean to each other.
- So far, Geno Smith is taking on this role in the 2014 season.
- O.O.C. Is Serious Business: The other quarterbacks are concerned when Ben Roethlisberger begins speaking intelligently in the Week 9 2014 convo. It turns out he became smarter after getting hit in the head too many times.
- Opinion Flip Flop: Jay Cutler when Katy Perry shows up in "Pop Tarts":Jay Cutler: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, KATIE WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME IS. I don’t know who you are, or what kind of bubbly top-40 crap you sing, but this is a QUARTERBACK conversation and WE DON’T WANT YOUR KIND AROUND HERE.Colin Kaepernick: Dude, this is what Katy Perry looks like: (posts a gif of Perry shooting whipped cream from her bra in the California Gurls music video)Jay Cutler: Welcome to our conversation, Ms. Perry. It’s an honor to have you with us.
- Opposite Day: Once a season.
- Orphaned Punchline: In the "Red Zone" Convo, we never hear the joke that leads to Ben Roethlisberger's explanation that Jay Cutler's Mom's vagina is bidding to host the 2018 Super Bowl. Later on, Tony Romo jokes that the Redskins drew more yellow flags than Betsy Ross with a case of jaundice. Roethlisberger begins to explain that joke, but can't finish as he doesn't get it.
- Out-of-Character Moment: After Peyton Manning insults Philip Rivers' bolo tie in the 2014 Divisional playoff convo, Sam Bradford offers up a bolo tie analogy. Matt Ryan thinks that it will be another gross sex analogy, even going so far as to describe one in great detail, however Bradford surprises the QB's by simply stating that bolo ties are stupid.
- Out of Focus: Lampshaded by Rodgers in "Hazing the Rookies".Aaron Rodgers: GODDAMMIT, I’M NOT IN THIS CONVO!
Andrew Luck isn't sure why he didn't have any lines in this convo, but he doesn't want to seem rude by asking.
- Andrew Luck had a similar situation in the 2013 Week 17 convo, only his input was in the form of a "like" on a comment from a magic 8 ball made at the end:
Tom Brady: Hey Ryan Tannehill, before we go. Do you have any naked pictures of your wife?Ryan Tannehill: NO!Tom Brady: You want some?Ryan Tannehill: SIT ON A TOBLERONE, BRADYSam Bradford was gonna do that anyway.
- As did Sam Bradford in the 2013 Week 8 convo:
- Overly Long Gag: A few, such as Robert Griffin III's 2012 concussion causing memory problems. Also counts as a Running Gag.
- Overly Narrow Superlative: Played for laughs in the "Secret Santa" conversation from 2013.Alex Smith: Hey Nick Foles. I got you a very special Secret Santa Gift.Alex Smith It’s a custom made plaque that reads, “Congratulations on your record setting performance this season.”Alex Smith “Of all the QBs who have thrown 7 TDs in one game during 2013, you are definitely the most recent, the youngest, and the most normal-shaped-headed of them all.”Nick Foles Cool, thanks.Peyton Manning GET FUCKED, ALEX SMITH!note
- Painful Transformation: From Drew Brees' perspective, after he and Tony Romo go to the science museum and end up trying out the molecular transporter, both quarterbacks gradually change into hybrids of each other, Tony Brees and Drew Romo. Tony Romo, on the other hand, actually enjoys having his counterpart become a part of him.
- Perfectly Cromulent Word: Sometimes in the convos, a player will make up a word on the spot that pertains to the week's theme, then will use it in context, Examples include:
- Chrushmas: Coined by Drew Brees, it's a holiday tradition where "all the good little quarterbacks get touchdowns and yardage and victories galore, but the bad quarterbacks like Josh Freeman get their asses hella whipped by scores like 41 to F*cking 0."
- Draft-valry: Coined by Brees, it means a rivalry between two or more quarterbacks taken in the same draft.
- Nhoffer: Coined by Riley Cooper, a derogatory term in the same vein as the other N-word, which stands for non hall of famer.
- 'Lizzed: Coined by Sam Bradford, it's a portmanteau of laughed and jizzed.
- Intervenception: Coined by the Manning family, it's an intervention for Eli Manning in which the other members of the family make fun of him for his "addiction to interceptions".
- Romo-Vember: Coined by Tony Romo, it's a reference to his statistical dominance in November.
- De-slump-ber: Coined by Aaron Rodgers, it's a reference to Tony Romo's tendency to spectacularly fail in December.
- Bronies: Which Romo referred to his friendship with Brees, coming from "Brees plus Tony". Brady then reminds Romo that it also refers to the fanbase of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
- Troll-jo: Troll-mojo, coined by Philip Rivers, referring to Russell Wilson's trolling ability.
- Prequel: The post-Super Bowl XLVI episode, released before Super Bowl XLVII.
- Pluralses: Roethlisberger pluralized penis as "peniseseseseses".
- Precision F-Strike: There's usually one every week by a quarterback whose team craps the bed against a worse team.
- Prison Rape: Played for laughs with Ryan Leaf. He mentions that his "350 pound boyfriend" has WiFi in his "rape cell" which allows him to join in the conversation during the NFL draft.
- Product Placement: Aaron Rodgers being sponsored by State Farm, he constantly applied the "Discount Double check" as a means to describe his wins. Similarly, there was one episode solely devoted to sponsorships.
- There was a second product placement episode, complete with cameos from the redheaded Wendy's spokeswoman, Flo from Progressive, the Geico Gecko, and the Bears Superfans from Saturday Night Live and State Farm.
- Professional Butt-Kisser: Andrew Luck, except when he loses a bet in which he has to curse out Peyton Manning (though he did immediately apologize after doing it).
- In the Alternate Universe, Luck is actually the exact opposite.
- Punctuated! For! Emphasis!: When Manziel called out Peyton for bragging about him defeating the Seahawks in the preseason, Peyton told him, "The. FUCK. Did. You. Just. Say. To. Me?"
- Punctuated Pounding: How Ray Rice treated Flacco:Ray Rice: I WOULDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS IF YOU’D JUST (slap) LEARN (slap) HOW (slap) TO (slap) LISTEN!
- Put on a Bus
- In the final 2013 preseason convo, Peyton Manning decided to "cut" quarterbacks, meaning that they could no longer contribute to the convos. List of cut quarterbacks However, all except for Gabbert and Locker were back in time for the week 1 convo.
- Mark Sanchez didn't appear in 2013 after being placed on injured reserve.
- The Bus Came Back: Sanchez returned in the third 2014 preseason convo.
- Quarterback Shilling/Team Shilling: ESPN is shown to be shilling for Brett Favre, Tim Tebow, and Johnny Manziel. The 2014 convos have also taken several shots at American sports media in general shilling for the Cowboys.
- Rapid-Fire Comedy: RGIII and Nick Foles make a bet where the loser of the first Redskins-Eagles game has to play the second one with one of Sam Bradford's buttplugs shoved up their ass. Bradford, who gladly agrees to this, asks what type of buttplug they want. After RGIII can't narrow it down from his first two descriptions (A really big one, then a really big one with rubber spikes on the end), he asks for the following and gets this response:RGIII: A really big one with rubber spikes on the end that glows in the dark and plays a polka version of “Baby Got Back” whenever the user clenches his asscheeks.Sam Bradford: Look, if you can’t narrow it down for me, I’ll just pick one of the eight or nine I have that fit that description.
- Real Life Writes the Plot: Most of the conversation had to do with statistical output, wins, and headlines. And when quarterbacks were injured or benched, their backups took their spot in the convos, with the exception of Alex Smith, who had a bitter feud with Colin Kaepernick. The series even took a three month long hiatus which coincided with the end of the draft and the start of training camp.
- Real Men Wear Pink: The quarterback's avatars are all given pink backgrounds in time for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
- Reluctant Hero: Johnny Manziel is not amused that he has to represent the hopes and dreams of Cleveland Browns fans:Johnny Manziel: I HAVE TO EMBRACE BEING A HERO IN CLEVELAND? FOR HOW LONG?LeBron James: Six, seven years tops.
- Remember the New Guy?: In the Prequel convo, Robert Griffin III makes his retroactive debut to a rather warm reception by the current quarterbacks, despite the fact that at that point he had yet to be drafted. Russell Wilson also makes his retroactive debut, and true to his personality, starts off by annoying Aaron Rodgers, who at this point does not know who he is.M.D. Jennings: I dunno man, I hear we could have replacement refs next season. That could be a total nightmare.Russell Wilson: It'll be fine.Aaron Rodgers: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
- Reunion Show: The post-Super Bowl 50 episode, titled "For Old Time's Sake".
- Rhetorical Question Blunder: Russell Wilson appears in response to these, only to be threatened by the other quarterbacks. Other examples are vehemently told that they don't count.
- Rimshot: A running gag in "Fallen Leaders." After an explained joke by Ben Roethlisberger, an actual Rimshot account responds in the convo. During the course of the conversation, other quarterbacks crack increasingly lame jokes, with the Rimshot account refusing to dignify the jokes with a response. The convo ends with the Rimshot pulling a Screw This, I'm Outta Here! after yet another joke about Tony Romo's failures in December.
- The Rival:
- Peyton Manning vs. Andrew Luck; Manning reminds Luck that the Colts are still his team.
- Aaron Rodgers vs. Jay Cutler.
- Alex Smith vs. Colin Kaepernick.
- Joe Montana vs. Steve Young.
- IN HHOFB, Johnny Manziel vs. Jameis Winston
- Rousing Speech/Moment Killer: Sam Bradford comes to Aaron Rodgers' defense when the other quarterbacks make fun of his supposed homosexuality and give a very stirring speech on accepting others for who they are, as well as how standards evolve as time goes by. It's a very moving speech which surprises the other quarterbacks, namely Drew Brees and Carson Palmer, who praise him for it, however he ruins the moment by mentioning that he typed the whole thing with his penis while being naked and hogtied in his mistress' sex dungeon.
- Running Gag:
Archie Manning: I swear I couldn't be any more disgusted with you if you were a child pornographer or an energy trade consultant.Cooper Manning: Dad, I'M an energy trading consultant.Archie Manning: Are you? Huh. All this time I've been telling people you deal kiddie porn.
- In general, the QBs tend to have personality quirks that usually manifest themselves during conversations.
- Matthew Stafford confusing Facebook with Twitter.
- Alex Smith's feud with Colin Kaepernick.
- The Hall of Fame edition has Joe Montana and Steve Young, whose situation was almost the same.
- Not to mention both Montana and Smith ended up on the Chiefs.
- Adrian Peterson telling Ponder to give him the ball so that he can break the NFL single-season record for most rushing yards.
- Matt Ryan, despite the Falcons having the best record that year, being reminded that he hasn't won a playoff game. This changes when Ryan finally wins against the Seattle Seahawks, with Andy Dalton taking on Ryan's role.
- Archie Manning threatening to disown Eli for his awful 2013 season, as well as downplaying Cooper's job as an energy trader
Vincent Smith: GODDAMNIT!!! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER THE PHONE!?
- Eli reminding everyone that he won two Super Bowls, and was the MVP for each one.
- Tony Gonzalez getting angry with Matt Ryan for costing him a last shot at the Super Bowl.
- Jameis Winston making Johnny Manziel cry for his mother.
- Michigan football players Vincent Smith and Devin Gardner hearing a loud ringing noise after getting hit hard.
Ben Roethlisberger: THE "AARON-RODGERS-IS-SECRETLY-GAY" JOKES LINGER ON.
- Aaron Rodgers denying that he is gay. Doubles as an Overly Long Gag, as lampshaded by Ben Roethlisberger in the Draftitude convo:
- Ryan Tannehill's supposed impotency and his wife Lauren's embarrassment at the fact.
- Philip Rivers? Quarterback for the San Diego Chargers who introduces and describes guest posters or new quarterbacks in this fashion?
- Anytime someone asks "When was the last time you saw (improbable event)", followed by Russell Wilson's weekly troll and subsequent threats by the other quarterbacks.
- Drew Brees being forced to be friends with Tony Romo as a result of a lost bet between him and Matt Ryan.
- Colin Kaepernick being a Dolphins fan and caring more about their performance than his own team's.
- Whenever a game ends in a tie, Sam Bradford will give a perverted tie analogy after the word is said, despite the rest of the QBs attempts to avoid saying it.
- Every year Tony Romo hosts a Super Bowl party that none of the other players show up to (or in the case of 2014, lock him in his basement so they can enjoy the party without him).
- Some of the real life problems that players have (e.g., Michael Vick's animal cruelty charges, Roethlisberger having been accused of rape, Ray Lewis's murder trial), or the fans' perceptions of certain teams or players (Spygate, Bountygate, Brady begging for flags whenever he gets hit, etc.).
- Rule of Three: The QB's try and avoid saying the word "Tie" three times a lá Beetlejuice, for fear of accidentally summoning Sam Bradford. When it inadvertently happens, they try and avoid mentioning the "tie is like kissing your sister" analogy. Unfortunately, Geno Smith accidentally says it, leading to Bradford using his perverted sex analogy of the week.
- This gag is repeated in 2013 Week 12, due to the Packers/Vikings game ending in a tie, and again in 2014 Week 6, after the Panthers and Bengals played to a 37-37 tie.
- Sassy Black Woman: In order to get inside Geno Smith's mind, Bill Belichick hypnotizes himself to believe he's a young black woman and as a result, exhibits the mannerisms of a stereotypical black woman. It serves as a Running Gag throughout the 2014 Week 16 convo.
- Say It: Tom Brady, in his HHOFB cameo not only forces all the other quarterbacks to say Devin Gardner's real name instead of Denard, he actually gets them to fully respect Gardner and put him back in the Heisman race.
- Scary Black Man: Richard Sherman's character; he would introduce himself by shouting, "LEGION OF BOOM, BITCHES!"
- Cam Newton gets this treatment in the Super Bowl 50 convo; he ended up scaring White America when he complained that he didn't get a chance to do his custom touchdown celebration by "dabbing".
- Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Teddy Bridgewater's gimmick, as debuting in the 2014 draft convo:Teddy Bridgewater: Oh, on the contrary, chaps. Have you fellows not read the plethora of scouting reports on yours truly floating through the world-wide ether? Everyone agrees that **I** am the most "cerebral" and intelligent quarterback of the entire 2014 rookie assemblage.
- Ben Roethlisberger does this in Week 9 2014 after he takes too many hits in the head from the Baltimore Ravens defense and briefly becomes intelligent.
- Set Right What Once Went Wrong/Time Travel: In the Opposite Day Sequel, Aaron Rodgers attempts to go back in time to the Fail Mary game in order to get the Packers back to the Super Bowl. Using a time travel watch connected to one of Sam Bradford's penis pumps, he ends up forgetting to set the year to 2012 and as a result, travels back to an early part of the convo.
- Sex God: In the future, Sam Bradford ends up publishing all his sexual exploits in a book called the Kama Samtra... And then he dies after experiencing a 12 hour orgasm he received after taking virility pills.
- Shout-Out: Andy Dalton talks about being on HBO's Hard Knocks and the other quarterbacks rip him for being on an HBO show, mentioning Robb Stark from Game of Thrones.
- When Mark Sanchez complains about getting hit in the face with a football and how much it hurts, Marcia Brady agrees with him.
- There are references to the Back to the Future series in the "Opposite Day 2013" episode, with Doc Brown making a cameo appearance.
- Joe Philbin, Richie Incognito and Roger Goodell reenact the "Did you order the Code Red" scene from A Few Good Men, but Ben Roethlisberger thinks they're referencing The Godfather.
- Another Game of Thrones shout-out, where Tony Romo repeatedly rooted for losing teams, and says that in the duel between The Mountain that Rides and the Red Viper he rooted for Oberyn. Tyrion Lannister is not pleased.
- In the Week 2 2014 convo, Drew Brees fused with Tony Romo a la The Fly (1986). Geena Davis makes a cameo appearance.
- Rodgers posted images form The Incredible Hulk to describe his defeat of the Bears in Week 4, 2014. Stafford mistakenly identified the pics as coming from Schindler's List.
- Shut Up, Peyton!: Johnny Manziel tells Peyton Manning, practically the main character of the series, to quit bragging about beating the Seahawks in the preseason. It ends up changing the theme of the convo entirely.Johnny Manziel: Hey Peyton Manning, why don't you shut up? You sound like an idiot bragging about a stupid preseason win.Needle: ScratchTire: ScreechStudio Audience: OoooooooohhhhPeyton Manning: The. FUCK. Did. You. Just. Say. To. Me?Johnny Manziel: I told you to pipe down. Because I'm hung over, and you're annoying.Peyton Manning: WHERE DOES A SCRUNCHY FACED 1st-YEAR MAGGOT LIKE YOU GET OFF TALKING TO PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING LIKE THAT?
- Sibling Rivalry: John vs. Jim Harbaugh in Super Bowl XLVII, which was dismissed by Peyton and Eli Manning, and Rex and Rob Ryan.
- Peyton and Eli experienced it as well..
- Signs Everyone But You: Despite John Elway's free agency frenzy, and his insistence that he signs anybody, he avoids going after Richie Incognito.John Elway: WHO'S LEFT? WHO HAVEN'T I SIGNED? I'LL SIGN ANYONE THAT FUCKING BREATHES!Richie Incognito: Me! Me! Sign me!John Elway: I'll pass.
- Smoking Is Cool: Jay Cutler is sometimes portrayed as a heavy smoker. This was likely inspired by the "Smokin' Jay Cutler" website.
- Smug Snake: Russell Wilson.
- Snarky Inanimate Object: When determining what personality new Bills quarterback EJ Manuel will have, Colin Kaepernick bets ten bucks that he's a whiny bitch, which Manuel denies. A ten dollar bill then says that he is.
- The sideline, the ground, and the Month of December also had lines, and in the latter case, had rivalries with Romo and the Month of November.
- Spinoff: Heisman Hopefuls on Facebook.
- Spoiler: Played with in the Intervenception Convo. The quarterbacks mention that they all saw the series finale to Breaking Bad, which Matt Ryan DVRed. In order to further annoy Ryan, they proceed to make up over the top spoilers to the end, which include references to Terminator, Godzilla and Aliens. Even a dragon is casually tossed out.
- Start My Own: Attempted by Eli in the Thanksgiving 2014 episode, when he tried to start his own Thanksgiving tradition, but before he could finish what he was saying, he gets sacked.
- Stealth Insult: Russell Wilson, in a rare non one-line troll, surprises Colin Kaepernick by speaking more than once. When asked what's different, Wilson explains that if he genuinely respects and admires a quarterback, he will say 5 lines to him. Kaepernick points out that Wilson only said four lines to him, then gets what Wilson is trying to say and explodes in rage.
- After the Seahawks win the Super Bowl, Wilson appears to take the high road and congratulate Peyton Manning without any hint of malice. However, the conspiracy nut who interrupted Malcolm Smith's press conference points out a secret message in Wilson's Facebook posts that spells WORLD CHAMPS BITCHES!
- After the Patriots defeated the Seahawks in the Super Bowl, Russell Wilson took the loss with class, making comparisons to several innocuous items, like a Victoria's Secret Calendar, a bottle of Axe cologne, a CD Case full of Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and Creed, and My Little Pony bedsheets. Tom Brady eventually realize that these are all things in his room, and Russell Wilson drops his ultimate troll: He slept with Tom Brady's wife after the Super Bowl.
- Straw Loser: Everybody hates Tony Romo for whatever reason, despite the fact that he's done nothing. This goes all the way to the Super Bowl when he hosts a party that all the other quarterbacks were invited to, but no one came.
- In the Hall of Fame Convo, Dan Marino takes on the Straw Loser role because of his lack of Super Bowl rings.
- Team Dad: Drew Brees often acts as a mentor/father figure to the younger quarterbacks... when he's not being a jerk like everyone else. He even dressed down Roger Goodell when Goodell threatened to shut down the convos.
- Tempting Fate: After the Broncos defeated the Patriots in the 2013 AFC Championship Game, Brady warned Peyton that he (Peyton) set himself up for the biggest collapse when he loses the Super Bowl to the Seahawks. Two weeks later, the Broncos got stomped by the Seahawks 43-8.
- 10-Minute Retirement: Brett Favre; his avatar alternates between the Packers, Jets, Vikings, and back to the Packers.
- That Came Out Wrong: Aaron Rodgers' final death threat to Russell Wilson for the 2013 season.Aaron Rodgers: WILSON, I WILL PERSONALLY BEAT YOUR DICK OFF!Jay Cutler: That's a poor choice of words for you, Rodgers.
- Eli Manning told Ryan Fitzpatrick that every time he looks at him, he is reminded of a new Apple product, the iSuck, before realizing what he had said.
- That Was Not a Dream: Aaron Rodgers initially believes that the Seahawks highly improbable comeback in the 2014 NFC Championship was a nightmare. The other players hesitantly tell him that it actually happened. As expected, Rodgers is fairly upset about it.
- That's What She Said: Matthew Stafford's attempt at a new gag, replacing his old "confusing Facebook with Twitter" gag.Carson Palmer: Well personally, I welcome this change to Stafford’s personality. The whole “not understanding how Twitter works” thing was really getting old.Andy Dalton: Hear, hear. There’s nothing worse than taking a mildly amusing joke and beating it into the ground.Ben Roethlisberger: HE’S SAYING THAT REUSING THE SAME CHARACTER TROPES OVER AND OVER AGAIN CAN GET STALE AFTER A WHILE.Matthew Stafford: THATS WHAT SHE SAID!
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Drew Brees gives a particularly nasty one to Commissioner Goodell in Week 7. Similarly, when Mark Sanchez graced the viewing world with the Butt Fumble, Tom Brady put together a 4 point presentation on why it was hilarious and dropped Sanchez's credibility rating.
- Title Drop: At the end of the Week 3, 2014 convo:Drew Brees: Okay, this concludes another fine, fun-filled convo. So what did everyone think of it?ProFootballMock Readers: Meh. TL;DR.
- To Be a Master: Joe Flacco tells everyone that he is elite throughout the first season, and does everything he can to prove he's right, and yet the other quarterbacks don't listen to him and/or make fun of him for his attempts.
- Flacco finally became elite after the Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII... only to have it taken back by Peyton, Brady, Brees, and Rodgers, after Flacco told them that he only threw for 287 yards. Brady told Flacco that he has to throw for at least 300 yards in the Super Bowl to be considered "elite".
- Too Many Babies: Tom Brady, as a result of his sleeping with the other quarterbacks' wives, has several children, male and female, who play in the NFL by 2040. One (whose mother is Joe Flacco's wife,) even repeats history by losing to Eli Manning's daughter in the Super Bowl.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Marshawn Lynch really enjoys Skittles, to the point where he confuses inedible items, like Colin Kaepernick's turtle, as well as two Christmas decorations as them.
- Tranquil Fury: Peyton Manning when Johnny Manziel tells him to shut up.
- Troll: Russell Wilson. Whenever he says something (even one word), the quarterbacks whom Wilson defeated in real life shouted death threats to him, including, but not limited to, Rodgers, Brady, Romo, Cutler, and Griffin. Lampshaded in the Divisional Playoffs episode, when Matt Ryan called him out on it, and Wilson desperately spent the rest of it looking for a trolling opportunity getting the opportunity with Rodgers at the end.
- Related to the above, Seahawks backup QB Tavaris Jackson trolled Matt Flynn at the end.
- In "Opposite Day '14," Peyton Manning's breaking of the all-time TD Record triggered an Opposite Day, which resulted in all of Russell Wilson's attempted troll lines failing. He got his "troll-jo" back by the next convo, though.
- In HHOFB, Jameis Winston basically turns Johnny Manziel from an arrogant Heisman winning snob and Convo leader to a sniveling crybaby who wails for his mother.
- In the Alternate Universe, Rodgers is this to Russell Wilson.
- Unexpectedly Obscure Answer: Cam Newton's shtick involves him responding to things the other quarterbacks say by responding in a Jeopardy! formatted answer.
- Unishment: Roger Goodell tries to force Josh Gordon to get rid of his marijuana smoking habit by changing his punishment from a season long suspension to being locked in a closet where he has to smoke 100 joints, in the hopes that Gordon will get sick of it and want to stop. It hilariously backfires on Goodell's part:Josh Gordon: Okay I'm done.Roger Goodell: You're what?Josh Gordon: I finished the 100 joints. Do you have any more?Roger Goodell: YOU JUST SMOKED 100 MARIJUANA CIGARETTES IN FIVE MINUTES, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO GO GET YOU MORE?Josh Gordon: Yeah. And some Taco Bell.
- Unusual Euphemism: "Romo" became a euphemism for "shit".
- Verbal Backspace: The Running Gag of the 2014 Preseason Week 2 Convo:RGIII: BITE MY BALLS, MANNING. For your information, I am NOT injury-prone in any way whatsoev... OW OW OW OW OW I JUST TORE MY HAMSTRING TYPING THAT!...Ray Rice: WHAT? NO! A MEASLY TWO GAME SUSPENSION IS JUST A SLAP ON THE WRIST AND NOT NEARLY ENOUGH OF A PUNISHME… OH HO HO, YOU ALMOST GOT ME THERE....Joe Flacco: YES! FINALLY! AT LAST I CAN BE CONSIDERED ELIToh wait, you mean that as a bad thing, don’t you?...Tom Brady: AND I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN LIKE A CORNERBACK RETURNING AN INTERCEPTION FOR A TOUCHDOWokay bad example.
- Verbal Tic: DeAnthony Thomas adds the prefix, "De'" before words.
- Former Panthers and current Ravens wide receiver Steve Smith would start whatever he says with "Ice up".
- Vomit Indiscretion Shot: Bengals quarterback Matt Scott's .gif in the Hazing convo, right after he finds out he's joining the Matt quarterback brotherhood.
- Voodoo Doll: Philip Rivers gives himself a set of voodoo dolls for Christmas, each representing Ryan Tannehill, Joe Flacco and Alex Smith.
- Chargers Fans carried voodoo dolls of Eli Manning after he spurned the team to join the Giants.
- Waterfall Puke: Implied in HHOFB judging by Johnny Manziel's reaction to his mom sleeping with Jameis Winston and AJ McCarron.
- Waxing Lyrical: After Jameis Winston singlehandedly destroys the University of Miami, he incorporates the chorus of "Rock You Like A Hurricane" into his Facebook status, and gets "likes" from Scorpions and Bobby Bowden.
- Wisdom from the Gutter: Jimmy Haslam tells the quarterbacks that a hobo advised him to draft Johnny Manziel. The hobo in question turns out to be former quarterback Vince Young, who demands a dollar for his sage advice, only to be told by Haslam to get a job.
- The Worf Effect: Jameis Winston's stat output in week 6 of HHOFB led him to dress down the incumbent Heisman winner, Johnny Manziel of all people, in his debut.
- Your Head A-Splode: After Russell Wilson points out that the Seahawks technically own the Packers after beating them in the 2014 NFC Championship, Rodgers starts to fire back at him, but gets so angry that he posts the infamous exploding head scene from Scanners.
- Your Mom: Jay Cutler's mother is called a whore by the other quarterbacks. When he tells them to stop, they reply with "Said no (insert something to do with having a career in the pornography industry) ever".
- The Heisman Hopefuls on Facebook plays with this trope, as Jameis Winston and AJ McCarron, in order to get Johnny Manziel's goat, infer that they slept with his mom. In addition, they play a prank on Manziel by having Jadeveon Clowney make a fake Facebook profile of Manziel's mom and have "her" confirm Manziel's worst fears. It works, as Manziel is shocked to the point where he vomits profusely and flips out on everyone else.
- You're Nothing Without Your Phlebotinum: In the 2014 Opposite Day convo, Wilson was unable to troll Peyton and Rodgers after the Seahawks lost to the Rams that week.
- Wham Line: From "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen":Drew Brees: Fine. Go ahead. Get all these “[Cutler's] Mom jokes” out of your system. Might as well, since it’s our last convo and all.
Cam Newton: Oooh, ooh! Things Aaron Rodgers says when looking at Playboy?
Aaron Rodgers: For the last time, I'm not gay! Do you have any idea how many women I've had sex with?
Russell Wilson: One less than the amount of wins you have against me?
Aaron Rodgers: WILSON, I WILL TAKE YOUR LOMBARDI TROPHY AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS, YOUR MOUTH WILL FLASH SILVER EVERY TIME YOU OPEN IT!