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- Todd disgustingly says that Aiden Quinn's character, Dez, speaks with the energy of roadkill.Roberta: Is he tall? ...I mean, Jim.
Dez: He's about medium.
Roberta: (Beat) Is he sorta thin?
Dez: (Takes a swig) Sort of, sort of... my build.
(Todd takes a very angry deep breath with his head in his hands)
- "OH MY GOD, it's so... SLOW. I feel like I'm watching one of those "Drunk Jeff Goldblum" videos. Like, seriously, it's so slow, you half-expect Steven Wright to show up." (Cue a certain languid comedian in a small supporting role; Todd takes another angry breath)
- Also, Todd remarking that Easy Amnesia must happen to Roberta all the time after she hits her head a second time and "un-amnesias".Bonk! Who am I? Bonk! Oh, right. Bonk! Who am I?
- And then when the bad guy tries to break into her dressing room, Roberta whacks him and the head with a vase and Todd says that now he thinks he's Susan.
- Todd pauses his summary of the plot to freeze frame the back of Madonna's jacket, showing a pyramid with an "all-seeing eye" on top. An air raid siren blares as a flashing red "ILLUMINATI" appears on the screen.
- The brief comparison between the movie and Clue - both deal with an absurd, convoluted plot, but one takes the opportunity to mine it for screwball laughs, whereas the other is only hilarious in how straight-faced and dull it is (see above).
- Todd points out how Robertanote is essentially Marie Schrader.Todd: She-she's probably not far away from shoplifting and stealing spoons.
- "Shanghai Surprise was the Gigli of 1986. A star vehicle for a ludicrously overexposed celebrity couple that the public rejected en masse. The couple in this case was Madonna and her then-husband, Sean Penn, who was in the middle of the... (photo◊ of Sean Penn angrily slugging a paparazzo) 'violent psychopath' phase of his life."
- When the MacGuffin is shown as being confiscated from Walter Faraday (played by Paul Freeman), Todd makes this Actor Allusion...
- Saying that Sean Penn's character teaches a pitch that's "better than the fastball, the curveball or the screwball, it's the poorly animated greenscreen ball."
- The "Lost James Bond villain" who Todd dubbed Mr. No Hands has large porcelain hands that are so fake-and-cartoony-looking that they reach Narm levels, especially when he uses them to mildly crush Sean Penn's hand.Todd: No Haaaands! He's the man... who's got giant stupid porcelain prosthetic hands that look hysterical in every scene. He could at least put some gloves on those things, Jesus.
- The above villain's hands being blown off twice, with Todd dubbing the Looney Tunes theme over both scenes.
- Todd's comments on the IKEA Erotica sex scene.Todd: And another thing, how is him getting laid gonna make him feel obligated? Maybe she really is new to this sex thing. Because, as ancient Chinese proverbs say, "Why buy cow when milk free?"
- The Unfortunate Implications-laden score, ironically by George Harrisonnote , and the Chopsticks scene.NO CONTEXT. Just Enjoy.
- "Anyway, it climaxes with all the characters in one spot trying to get the opium. Or the-the Jewels. The launch codes, I dunno whatever the MacGuffin is right now."
- "But yeah, they lived Happily Ever After, or at least they will until Sean loses his goddamn mind."
- "Now, A Certain Sacrifice is, in it's own way, a message movie. That message is "Gosh, making a movie is WAY harder than we thought!""
- Todd highlights the fact that the main character David aka "Dashiell" is basically just a whiny stereotypical middle class white boy.David (after being told to rake leaves):"Same old stuff all the time...always a slave to this family".Todd: "In another era, he would have been able to soothe his pain with Linkin Park songs, but back then poor David had no escape."
- Dubbing over the "assault" of Bruna by her sex slaves with ''Don't Dream It, Be It" to emphasize how confusing it is.
- Trying vainly to shout over the wind, ultimately declaring that the movie has even worse sound mixing than Birdemic.
Todd: God, I bet he's really obnoxious... not that I can tell! (cue clip of Raymond Hall talking, overdubbed by the teacher from Peanuts)
- A little later, when the antagonist Raymond Hall first appears.
- "Oh, baby, let's walk in some garbage! That'll cheer you up - you love garbage!"
- His bewilderment over the film taking a rather abrupt turn towards the satanic near the end:
- His description of the "creepy" song that plays over the sacrifice eventually turns into his own take on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 "Werewolf" credits songThis is Halloween, this is Halloween, making Christmas, making Christmas
Oompa Loompa, doopity doo! I've got another puzzle for you
Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town, TUSK!
Little pig, little pig, let me in! Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!
Has he lost his mind? Can he see, or is he blind?
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum!
La-di-da-di-da, It's the motherfuckin' D-O-Double-G, Snoop Dogg, TUSK!
Good King Wenceslas looked down on the Feast of Stephen
Hey! Hey! I'm your life! I'm the one who takes you there!
BEVERLY HILLS!! - Ohmygod thisscenesstillgoing - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO - oh God Why won't this scene end?!
- Todd claims he's heard the movie be called a student film.Todd: Student of what, I don't know, but certainly not film.
- "Let me tell ya, one of the joys of perusing my way through the Madonna filmography is that all her movies seem to be bad in completely different ways. And Who's That Girl adds another flavor to the rainbow of badness, obnoxious!!"
- [imitating Madonna's high-pitched New York accent] "What's wrawng wit da way she tawks?!?"
- What Todd has to say about the Undercrank scene:Todd: "Huh huh huh. sped-up footage to indicate comical speed has been funny a grand total of zero times in history, but I think finally we'll get it right this time."
- Todd's take on this scene:Todd: All of this wouldn't matter if the film was funny, but, it's not.Nikki: "Knock knock."Lawyer: "Who's there?"Nikki: "Boo."Lawyer: "Boo hoo?"Nikki: "Don't cry, we'll take the apartment!"Todd: (Sitting there unamused while Chirping Crickets are in the background.) Yeah.
- The Blatantly Gay Duo.
- Todd's reaction to the upstairs jungle scene.
- This movie's flavor of badness: POINTLESS
- Todd already knew Prohibition America was a Wretched Hive of gangsters, but the Mad Scientist who chases people down with a cleaver is a new one for him.
- Todd's incredulity that Madonna, one of the most beautiful people of cinema and music, would sign on to a film where her character would be named "Horty" and be paired with Randy Quaid.
- During the scene where Julie Hagerty's parrot is shot, it's inevitably followed up with...
- The movie ends with a narration that leaves the story on a Happily Ever After note. Given that the film takes place on New Year's Eve of 1928, Todd makes an addition:They've been living in hobo villages since the Depression happened, but at least they've got each other!
- The way he describes the movie: Sin City... but for kids.
- His impression of Danny Elfman writing the film's score, by just making a couple minor adjustments to his Batman score.
- His old-timey radio announcer voice describing Dick Tracy's dull introduction.Todd: "Thrill! As fearless crime-fighter Dick Tracy skips out on a date, looks at a thing, then makes it back at the theater in time for the third act! Non-stop action, viewers!"
- Al Pacino is such a Large Ham in the film that Todd tries to trick us into thinking the character originally had no lines. "Well, it wouldn't surprise me."
- When Tracy falls for the impossibly obvious kidnapping scheme, he plays the requisite "Land Shark" clip.
- His outrage at the Shocking Swerve of the mysterious faceless goon who goes through a HeelFace Revolving Door throughout the film being Madonna.
- Immediately followed by puking at The Kid naming himself Dick Tracy Jr.
- Todd admits that the film is one of the better films in Madonna's filmography... in that it only stinks rather than sucks.
- Todd yet again falls into the trap of blaming the performer's immaturity on being a performer from such a young age, only to learn that Madonna was 32 at the time. Followed by a clip of her reciting a poem about farting.
- After getting worked up over Moral Guardians trying to have Madonna arrested before one of her shows, he plays a clip of the show in question, where she does a full-blown masturbation routine. This forces him to admit their outrage wasn't exactly over nothing.
- "At a hometown show in Detroit, her dad attends, which understandably makes her very, very nervous. I call this segment "Papa Don't Watch".
- Noting that the umpire really does look like "a penis with a little hat on," and wondering what exactly that casting call was like.
- He notes that Madonna's book of naked pictures is called Sex, "because why beat around the bush?"
- He notes that one aspect of where the film is a disaster where Basic Instinct (which he doesn't exactly hold in high regard either) is just kind of bad is trading Michael Douglas for Willem Dafoe, as Dafoe has been typecast as psychopathic villains (as Todd demonstrates with pictures from Speed 2: Cruise Control, Spider-Man and Shadow of the Vampire) and doesn't have the good looks to warrant interest in seeing him have sex, zooming in on his face with "Psycho" Strings. Todd even mentions that the one other movie he saw Dafoe have sex in, he had his testicles crushed.
- Todd's mocking of the court scenes in the movie
- "Alright then, Miss Carlson. Why did you end your relationship with him, unless you realized you'd been thwarted in your scheme...TO FUCK HIM TO DEATH! You intended to commit slutty murder, didn't you, Miss Carlson? Answer the question! Are you or are you not a murder slut?! Why did you break up with him?!"
- When showing a hammy performance from Julianne Moore, an arrow slowly drops into frame and points at her, saying "Oscar Winner."
- Noting that the film is so incompetent, it actually manages to make it unclear why a guy would want to have sex with Madonna.
- "But it should be pointed out that she made two movies that year. One of them, she pre-emptively trashed as a total failure. And it wasn't the one you just watched. How bad does a movie have to be that Madonna intentionally sabotages it herself?" Cue a snippet of James Russo from the trailer. He's pretty much incomprehensible.
- This movie's particular flavor of bad: SELF-INDULGENT PRETENTIOUS CRAP
- After mentioning Abel Ferrara's previous hit movie Bad Lieutenant, Todd refers to this movie as Bad Director. He also admits that while Bad Lieutenant isn't a comedy, it's actually really similar to Bad Santa.
- When the in-universe male lead shows a video of the female lead having sex, Todd starts to riff on the editing and choice of music before realizing he's mocking a Show Within a Show Within A Show.
- "The movie-within-a-movie looks like the better movie." (Cue clip of the director saying "Can't get satisfaction? That's when you pee on the floor", followed by the male lead doing just that) "...Okay, I'm not saying it looks like a great movie."
- Pretty much everything involving James Russo's, um, memorable performance as the male lead in the Show Within a Show. It gets to the point where his overdramatic howling of "I NEED THESE THINGS!!!!!" becomes a little Running Gag.Todd: Frank, Frank, about your performance. I worry that you're playing this role a little too restrained. Don't be afraid to show some emotion to the camera.
- At the very end of the video, we get one more clip of "I NEED THESE THINGS!!!!!", immediately followed by "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!"
- Todd's initial photo of Juan Domingo Perón is instead of Lionel Messi.
- He doesn't get how seriously we're supposed to take Eva, considering she seemed to be famous for being famous. "Like Kim Kardashian, except she somehow became a country's first lady, which is, of course, ridicul-" (smash cut to Kanye 2020)
- He starts out pretending to be a huge theater nerd and fan of the musical, before deliberately making mistakes sure to make any actual theater nerd's eye twitch, such as claiming that Evita is his favorite Stephen Sondheim play after Fiddler on the Roof.
- "And then she dies. Evita gets over her dramatic tragic disease and dies young, which I suppose makes a better story than getting old and desperately trying to stay relevant in embarrassing ways" (cut to "Bitch I'm Madonna")
- Todd describing how almost every artistic decision is wrong, even criticizing the font of the opening credits.
- The film's plot contrivances become so baffling that Todd asks if this is actually a Tommy Wiseau movie. Cue Rupert Everett shouting "You betrayed me!" in a manner not unlike The Room's "Everybody betray me, I'm fed up with this world."
- Todd shows a photo of Lina Wertmüller, the director of the original and talks about how she looks "exactly like how you'd imagine a female Italian director from the 1970s" to look.
- Todd ultimately declares this film's romance the winner of the rare Legitimately Not a Better Love Story than Twilight award.
- His slack-jawed shock at just how faithful the film is to the original, Attempted Rape scene and all.
- While covering Vision Quest, Todd's reaction to Michael Schoeffling's character Kuch claiming to be half-Native American.Kuch: You're on a vision quest, man! You're trying to find your place in the circle! You knew I was half Indian, huh?Todd: ...Yeah, sure ya are, pal.Kuch: (after being told he'll be the "first Indian president") Sure man, except for one thing: I ain't no fuckin' Indian! That's just shit I made up in my head!Todd: This was not the most shocking plot twist in movie history.
- Todd's impression of Madonna's composition process for "Gambler":Todd as director: Hey Madonna, this scene is a little longer than we realized, we need another song to fill it out right now. Like right now. Well I don't know, just make something up. Doesn't have to be good. Just go, go go go.
- On Shadows and Fog:
- Todd declares that John Malkovich being cast as a clown is "the greatest casting of all time", given Malkovich's signature delivery style.Todd: (as Malkovich) They weren't laughing. At my jokes. I was hilarious. I pulled. A rubber chicken. Out of my comically oversized pants.
- Todd's comments about Malkovich's infidelity towards Mia Farrow and her and Woody Allen adopting a daughter together at the end.
- Todd declares that John Malkovich being cast as a clown is "the greatest casting of all time", given Malkovich's signature delivery style.
- His reaction to Madonna's cameo in Blue in the Face as a "singing telegram girl"."Well, that was pointless. Hey Harvey, remember when you screamed at her for ten solid minutes in Dangerous Game? Good times.
- "Oh, and, yes, Madonna sings the theme to Die Another Day, so naturally, she gets a cameo — just like Thunderball, where Sean Connery fought a seven-foot-tall robot Tom Jones."
- On Arthur and the Invisibles
- "BREATHE! STOP TO BREATHE, GODDAMNIT!"
- Todd wraps up his coverage of the film by showing a clip of the characters fighting on top of a record player. When the song changes to "You Never Can Tell" and Selenia starts dancing like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, Todd just says "Fuck this movie!" and moves on to the next one.
- He ends by admitting that yes, this was just an excuse to put off having to deal with Madonna's directing career a bit longer.
- Since the film costars Eugene Hutz, the lead singer of Gogol Bordello, he gives his summary to the tune of one of their songs.
- Todd recognizing a familiar face playing the Queen Mother:Yeah, shes just this nasty, back-biting snob who - what! WHAT?! MARGAERY? What!
- Todd's criticism of the direction of the film.
"What the blazing goddamn is going on?!"
- His reaction to seeing Prince Edward spiking everybody's drinks at a party, set to "Pretty Vacant" by Sex Pistols.
- Todd reacts to the stutter-shot, Book of Revelation-quoting opening by putting it to a more appropriate backing track: "Closer".
- When "American Life" starts playing, Todd is understandably disturbed, because this made him remember what this tour was about:Todd: Aww! God, I'm just remembering that this movie came out in the wake of one of Madonna's worst albums! Oh, God, it's the one where she tried to make, like, social commentary and- Oh, God, oh, God, this is the song where she raps!
- "Why were you and Guy Ritchie a thing?!"
- After the tour ends, Todd was getting ready to wrap up when we suddenly follow Madonna to the Holy Land. He grows impatient, and just loses it when they cross out "The End" and write "The Beginning".