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    Desperately Seeking Susan 
  • Todd disgustingly says that Aiden Quinn's character, Dez, speaks with the energy of roadkill.
    Roberta: Is he tall? ...I mean, Jim.
    Dez: He's about medium.
    Roberta: (Beat) Is he sorta thin?
    Dez: (Takes a swig) Sort of, sort of... my build.
    (Todd takes a very angry deep breath with his head in his hands)
  • Also, Todd remarking that Easy Amnesia must happen to Roberta all the time after she hits her head a second time and "un-amnesias".
    Bonk! Who am I? Bonk! Oh, right. Bonk! Who am I?
    • And then when the bad guy tries to break into her dressing room, Roberta whacks him and the head with a vase and Todd says that now he thinks he's Susan.
  • Todd pauses his summary of the plot to freeze frame the back of Madonna's jacket, showing a pyramid with an "all-seeing eye" on top. An air raid siren blares as a flashing red "ILLUMINATI" appears on the screen.
  • The brief comparison between the movie and Clue - both deal with an absurd, convoluted plot, but one takes the opportunity to mine it for screwball laughs, whereas the other is only hilarious in how straight-faced and dull it is (see above).
  • Todd points out how Robertanote  is essentially Marie Schrader.
    Todd: She-she's probably not far away from shoplifting and stealing spoons.

     Shanghai Surprise 

    A Certain Sacrifice 

    Who's That Girl? 

     Bloodhounds of Broadway 
  • This movie's flavor of badness: POINTLESS
  • Todd already knew Prohibition America was a Wretched Hive of gangsters, but the Mad Scientist who chases people down with a cleaver is a new one for him.
  • Todd's incredulity that Madonna, one of the most beautiful people of cinema and music, would sign on to a film where her character would be named "Horty" and be paired with Randy Quaid.
  • During the scene where Julie Hagerty's parrot is shot, it's inevitably followed up with...
  • The movie ends with a narration that leaves the story on a Happily Ever After note. Given that the film takes place on New Year's Eve of 1928, Todd makes an addition:
    They've been living in hobo villages since the Depression happened, but at least they've got each other!

     Dick Tracy 
  • The way he describes the movie: Sin City... but for kids.
  • His impression of Danny Elfman writing the film's score, by just making a couple minor adjustments to his Batman score.
  • His old-timey radio announcer voice describing Dick Tracy's dull introduction.
    Todd: "Thrill! As fearless crime-fighter Dick Tracy skips out on a date, looks at a thing, then makes it back at the theater in time for the third act! Non-stop action, viewers!"
  • Al Pacino is such a Large Ham in the film that Todd tries to trick us into thinking the character originally had no lines. "Well, it wouldn't surprise me."
  • When Tracy falls for the impossibly obvious kidnapping scheme, he plays the requisite "Land Shark" clip.
  • His outrage at the Shocking Swerve of the mysterious faceless goon who goes through a Heel–Face Revolving Door throughout the film being Madonna.
  • Todd admits that the film is one of the better films in Madonna's filmography... in that it only stinks rather than sucks.

    Truth Or Dare 
  • Todd yet again falls into the trap of blaming the performer's immaturity on being a performer from such a young age, only to learn that Madonna was 32 at the time. Followed by a clip of her reciting a poem about farting.
  • After getting worked up over Moral Guardians trying to have Madonna arrested before one of her shows, he plays a clip of the show in question, where she does a full-blown masturbation routine. This forces him to admit their outrage wasn't exactly over nothing.
  • "At a hometown show in Detroit, her dad attends, which understandably makes her very, very nervous. I call this segment "Papa Don't Watch".

    A League of Their Own 
  • Noting that the umpire really does look like "a penis with a little hat on," and wondering what exactly that casting call was like.

    Body Of Evidence 

    Dangerous Game 

  • Todd's initial photo of Juan Domingo Perón is instead of Lionel Messi.
  • He doesn't get how seriously we're supposed to take Eva, considering she seemed to be famous for being famous. "Like Kim Kardashian, except she somehow became a country's first lady, which is, of course, ridicul-" (smash cut to Kanye 2020)
  • He starts out pretending to be a huge theater nerd and fan of the musical, before deliberately making mistakes sure to make any actual theater nerd's eye twitch, such as claiming that Evita is his favorite Stephen Sondheim play after Fiddler on the Roof.
  • "And then she dies. Evita gets over her dramatic tragic disease and dies young, which I suppose makes a better story than getting old and desperately trying to stay relevant in embarrassing ways" (cut to "Bitch I'm Madonna")

    The Next Best Thing 
  • Todd describing how almost every artistic decision is wrong, even criticizing the font of the opening credits.
  • The film's plot contrivances become so baffling that Todd asks if this is actually a Tommy Wiseau movie. Cue Rupert Everett shouting "You betrayed me!" in a manner not unlike The Room's "Everybody betray me, I'm fed up with this world."

     Swept Away 
  • Todd shows a photo of Lina Wertmüller, the director of the original and talks about how she looks "exactly like how you'd imagine a female Italian director from the 1970s" to look.
  • Todd ultimately declares this film's romance the winner of the rare Legitimately Not a Better Love Story than Twilight award.
  • His slack-jawed shock at just how faithful the film is to the original, Attempted Rape scene and all.

     Die Another Day (And Other Cameos) 
  • While covering Vision Quest, Todd's reaction to Michael Schoeffling's character Kuch claiming to be half-Native American.
    Kuch: You're on a vision quest, man! You're trying to find your place in the circle! You knew I was half Indian, huh?
    Todd: ...Yeah, sure ya are, pal.
    Kuch: (after being told he'll be the "first Indian president") Sure man, except for one thing: I ain't no fuckin' Indian! That's just shit I made up in my head!
    Todd: This was not the most shocking plot twist in movie history.
  • Todd's impression of Madonna's composition process for "Gambler":
    Todd as director: Hey Madonna, this scene is a little longer than we realized, we need another song to fill it out right now. Like right now. Well I don't know, just make something up. Doesn't have to be good. Just go, go go go.
  • On Shadows and Fog:
    • Todd declares that John Malkovich being cast as a clown is "the greatest casting of all time", given Malkovich's signature delivery style.
      Todd: (as Malkovich) They weren't laughing. At my jokes. I was hilarious. I pulled. A rubber chicken. Out of my comically oversized pants.
    • Todd's comments about Malkovich's infidelity towards Mia Farrow and her and Woody Allen adopting a daughter together at the end.
  • His reaction to Madonna's cameo in Blue in the Face as a "singing telegram girl".
  • "Oh, and, yes, Madonna sings the theme to Die Another Day, so naturally, she gets a cameo — just like Thunderball, where Sean Connery fought a seven-foot-tall robot Tom Jones."
  • On Arthur and the Invisibles
    • Todd wraps up his coverage of the film by showing a clip of the characters fighting on top of a record player. When the song changes to "You Never Can Tell" and Selenia starts dancing like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, Todd just says "Fuck this movie!" and moves on to the next one.
  • He ends by admitting that yes, this was just an excuse to put off having to deal with Madonna's directing career a bit longer.

     Filth and Wisdom 

  • Todd recognizing a familiar face playing the Queen Mother:
    “Yeah, she’s just this nasty, back-biting snob who - what! WHAT?! MARGAERY? What!”
  • Todd's criticism of the direction of the film.
    • His reaction to seeing Prince Edward spiking everybody's drinks at a party, set to "Pretty Vacant" by Sex Pistols.
    "What the blazing goddamn is going on?!"

     I'm Going to Tell You a Secret 
  • Todd reacts to the stutter-shot, Book of Revelation-quoting opening by putting it to a more appropriate backing track: "Closer".
  • When "American Life" starts playing, Todd is understandably disturbed, because this made him remember what this tour was about:
    Todd: Aww! God, I'm just remembering that this movie came out in the wake of one of Madonna's worst albums! Oh, God, it's the one where she tried to make, like, social commentary and- Oh, God, oh, God, this is the song where she raps!
  • "Why were you and Guy Ritchie a thing?!"
  • After the tour ends, Todd was getting ready to wrap up when we suddenly follow Madonna to the Holy Land. He grows impatient, and just loses it when they cross out "The End" and write "The Beginning".
    "Ending your plea for peace by singing "Imagine" is like having "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" as your graduation theme. It just shouldn't happen anymore."

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