Pop Song Reviews ( Pre-TGWTG | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 )
One Hit Wonderland ( 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 )
Trainwreckords ( 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 )
- "Yeah, I will put it down on you, Mr. Chipmunk."
- Also declaring 50 Cent hadn't been relevant since he released his first album "Get Rich and Stop Trying"
- Calling 50 Cent a "mush-mouthed dullard", and, after hearing his not exactly enthusiastic verse:
- Chris Brown: I'm getting paper!
Todd: What? Arrest papers, you loathsome little toad?
- Chris: I don't see how you can hate outside of the club. You can't even get in. (laugh)
Todd: But I can hate you from outside the police station, you piece of shit
- "Busta's verse on this song is like hearing a Nickelback song suddenly launch into a shredding Van Halen guitar solo."
- Todd: Could I really justify listing a song as one of the worst of the year if I loathed only 50% of it?
Chris Brown: ♪Is that right?\I'm fresher than a motherfucker♪
Todd: Yes, yes I can. While we're talking about your dick, Chris, go eat a dick!
- "Nimoy, live long and prosper, man. Bruno, go bankrupt and die."
- "Hey, Christina Perri, when this guy was collecting his jar of hearts, did he accidentally take your brain, too?"
- Several 80s songs receiving the "DIRTY BIT!" treatment.
- "IT WAS ME! I HID HIS BODY UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS! MAKE IT STOP!"
- Todd says that he can never hear an Enrique Iglesias song ever again without thinking of "Tonight..."
- "Escape" ("You can run/You can hide/But you can't escape my love"), however, sounds exactly the same to him.
- On Tonight, Tonight by Hot Chelle Rae, his pick for the number 1 spot:
- "2011 has been...a strange year. A strange year for me personally, at least. Let's see, I've been abducted several times, I'd fought for the fate of the world, I was punched in the face with great frequency, I drank way too much, and weirdest of all, I started facing to the left. Bizarre, I know."
- This years' list is "probably the least personally humiliating. Hooray!"
- "Ah, Usher. The women want him and the men want him. Want to be him— The men want to be him, I mean."
- Two words: Super Bass◊.
- Kanye West: And now the award for Best New Artist (at the 2009 Grammys)...
Todd: Pfff, "Best New Artist". These are always lame. They always go to some flash-in-the-pan who's already peaked and who we'll never be hearing from again.
Kanye West: And the Grammy goes to... Adele.
Todd: Oh, come on! Seriously?! Another overrated retro soul/jazz singer? I thought we learned our lesson from Norah Jones. We already have an Amy Winehouse, and she's way more interesting than whoever this is. I guarantee we are never hearing from this person ever again. (Cut to him at his piano playing "Someone Like You") See, this is why my friends call me "Nostradamus."
- When he gets to number 3, the first few seconds of the video to "Rolling in the Deep" note play. Cut to Todd, in front of his TV again yelling "She's a nobody! A NOBODY!"
- Todd's cutaway to the Lupa Fiasco. Which involved freshly-made haggis, a large number of geese and something on the ceiling.
- "Some have hit Lupe Fiasco's biggest hit as a soulless, vapid, mainstream sellout, generic faux-inspirational piece of crap, and none were more vocal of their criticism of Lupe Fiasco than the acclaimed underground rapper, Lupe Fiasco."
- "Shut up, Lupe Fiasco, you don't know shit! You're brilliant!
- Todd gives up on his hatred when, despite all her failings, Katy Perry is again in the list.Todd: I love you, Katy Perry. I love everything about you. I love your triumphant success in the face of negative amounts of talent; I love your complete refusal to have any sort of depth or thought in your music; I love the way you gargle vowels in some vain attempt to hit notes that Auto-Tune is just gonna clean up later anyway. You win, Katy Perry. Marry me. I don't know what to do about Katy Perry. If Gaga takes her inspiration from Madonna at her smartest, Katy Perry's inspired by Madonna at her dumbest.
- His description of Kenny G's appearance on "T.G.I.F.":"And let us not forget the most puzzling and awesome sax solo to hit pop music in years! From Kenny G, of all people. A lifetime of suck nearly redeemed!"
- Later, while talking about "The Edge of Glory" and Clarence Clemons:"And of course, let us not forget the most unexpected and awesome sax solo to hit music in years! Wait."
- Later, while talking about "The Edge of Glory" and Clarence Clemons:
- "Who releases a video that causes seizures?! How does that happen? What kind of asshole does something like that?"Kanye West: I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!
Todd: Of course.
- "The intensity of Kanye's performance is matched with what is probably his best-ever work as a producer. The guest spot credited to Rihanna alone is actually a bunch of different voices blended together including John Legend, Alicia Keys, Fergie, Elton John, La Roux, Thomas Jefferson, Poseidon, Superman, GLaDOS, who knows who else?"
- "I seriously considered putting the censored version (of "Fuck You!") on the worst list. Censoring it ruins the whole point. And besides, who could really be offended by this? This is a song for the entire world. Your kids can sing it. Marionette chickens can sing it."
- "I hear this song all the time. Now remember, I liked this band, I think they're capable of so much, but...this is awful. Matter of fact, I kinda hated it from the opening notes. Wait...what is this reminding me of? Chicago. This reminds me of Chicago. It's Chicago. It's...this reminds me of Chicago. This— (covering his head, breathing deeply) ...I'm fine, I'm fine, let's go on."
- "I'm a lonely guy, okay? This...pillow right here? This is my girlfriend right now."
- "Just imagine two people full of love and excitement, looking right into each others eyes, romance in the air, and then they both start singing, ♪Let's not have sex~!♪ What??"
- Lady Antebellum: ♪We don't need to rush this\ Let's just take it slow♪
Todd: Well, you don't need to not rush it either. Unless you do. Do you? Why? What's your damage? Did you get burned by some guy in the past? If this was a hip-hop song, I'd just automatically assume that was the casethose guys are assholes, but country guys, they're nice.
Dixie Chicks: ♪But Earl walked right through that restraining order\ And put her in intensive care♪
Todd: Well, they're mostly nice. At the very least, if you're scared of moving too fast, I'd at least like to know why. You can't just give me a song about keeping your clothes on without some kind of justification, damn it!
- Lady Antebellum: ♪It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find♪
Todd: Yeah, sure, it'll "bring us closer." That's not a real reason. That's a euphemism for "I'd like to be more sure that you're not a Serial Killer or don't have a horrible disease or sleep on Darth Vader sheets." I mean, don't bullshit me, ok?
- Lady Antebellum: ♪I know it's time to leave\ But you'll be in my dreams♪
Todd: Yeah, you'll be in my dreams. ...But not in my pants. Why am I listening to this?! Why would anyone listen to this?! Why?! What reason would someone have for liking this boring, balls-less sterile piece of sh—
Todd: Oh. Hi, Jesus.
Jesus: Aren't you forgetting a little someone? Someone important?
Todd: Oh, right. Yes. I guess this song would be very popular with the many devout followers of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. I'm just saying—
Jesus: Do you disagree with the song? Are you promoting fornication? Oh, Todd. I expected so much more from you. You, Todd, who have done so well to keep your body chaste for the past seven years.
- Jesus: Jeez. That guy needs to get laid!
- Arnold Schwarzenegger in Reasonable Discussions.
- "Ladies and gentlemen, today we have a song about a topic we can all relate tobeing stupefyingly rich!"
- "[Jay-Z] flat-out refused to clap for convicted girl-beater Chris Brown, and of course, there were rumours that he was sabotaging Brown's career behind-the-scenes for a solid year after the assault. (cut to picture of Brown with a Grammy) If that was true, I wish he was still doing it."
- "Epileptics of the world, what did you do to Kanye that he hates you so much?"
- Jay-Z: ♪Psycho, Im liable to go Michael\ Take your pick, Jackson, Tyson, Jordan♪
Todd: Oh, I get to pick which Michael you're emulating? Well, if it's my pick, I guess I'll go with the one who wasn't accused of rape. That leaves me with the one who starred in Space Jam, but I can live with that.
- "Now, if I publicly invested a giant chunk of my own money into a losing basketball team, I wouldn't let that shit out. Jay-Z, doesn't care. He's like 'I started Google+! I bought Euro Disneyland! Don't care bitches!"
- Todd: Here's where it starts to lose me, because then Kanye gets on the mic and starts braying like a goddamn donkey.
Kanye: ♪She said Ye can we get married at the MAAAAAAAAAALL\ I said look you need to crawl fore you BAAAAAAAAAALL\ Come and meet me in the bathroom STAAAAAAAAAALL\ And show me why you deserve to have it AAAAAAAAAALL♪
Todd: Yes, little known factKanye's main influence has always been Humpty Hump.
- Todd talking like Kanye.
- What became Todd's favorite joke of his:Kanye: ♪What she order, fish filet♪
Todd: (wearing hat and holding cup and saucer, in a stuffy British accent) And then the uncultured harlot became so bewildered that she attempted to consume her vichyssoise with a dessert spoon. Ha ha ha...
- Todd: Even with all the ridiculousness and stupid jokes, I think this song is pretty awesome. Yeah, that's right. I actually like N—
Captions: NIGGAS IN P***S
Todd: (facepalms) What the hell do I pay you people for?
- "As I was saying, I actually like "N-Words in Paris"
- "Don't let Kanye in his zone. You wouldn't like him when he's in his zone."
- Followed by cutting the "Don't let me into my zone" refrain together with clips of Kanye's most embarrassing public incidents, like the MTV Music Videos display.
- His reaction to the line "Going Gorillas" and the Blades of Glory clip that Kanye put himself and what he said later.Todd: Can we talk about Kanye's awful taste in movies? Blades of Glory!? The Will Ferrell movie that taught the world to stop watching Will Ferrell movies? (Shows a clip of Will Ferrell and Jon Heder' figure skating) It's funny 'cause two guys are touching each other HUR!
- "If I know anything about artists or entertainers, it's this: most of them are horrible people. Yeah, you would be shocked if you knew all the terrible things that this man (Chuck Berry), or this man (John Lennon), or this man (Bing Crosby), or this man (Kermit the Frog) have done. Believe me, you'll never listen to 'Rainbow Connection' the same way again."
- "So let's look at his new single, "Turn Up the Music". ...Actually, let's not because I don't give a crap."
- "In recent weeks, quite a few celebrities have taken shots at Chris Brown. One of the most interesting was WWE Superstar CM Punk, who made a crack about beating him up on Twitter. I don't understand why Chris Brown's publicists even allow him to have a Twitter, but it's a comedy goldmine. Normally, he'll just a bunch of disingenuous things about growth and positivity, but every once in a while, he'll respond to haters. And so Chris, in a display of maturity he's so thoroughly embodied in the past few years, Tweeted back at Mr. Punk, 'CM Punk needs more followers. Not to mention the roids hes on made it impossible for him pleasure a woman.' (he corrects all the grammatical errors and writes "D-".) Yeah! Eat some of Chris Brown's positivity and growth, CM Punk! ...But the feud made me realise something that made Chris Brown's behaviour clear to me. He's a wrestling villain!"
- "I've discovered there are people who use Twitter just to come up with hilarious comebacks to Chris Brown's every stupid thought, and it has produced some of the finest 140-character comedy I've ever seen. Like when Chris Brown said, 'just took a photograph with a lady fan, and boy, her man was super mad!', some guy responded, 'he loves her & was afraid for her safety.' It's like the best caption contest ever, and I started following Chris Brown solely so I could join in. Like here where he said, 'Happy Valentine's Day ladies...Let today be about u!!!' And I wrote this witty comeback in response: '@chrisbrown iz a worthless piece of dogshit!!!'"
- "If Chris Brown was just some famous scumbag, that'd be one thing, but I was doing all this research online and I just kept reading all these sickening posts trying to make excuses for what he did. There was just so many of them and they're everywhere and I just...agh, I just couldn't take it anymore. I got so sick of it that I did something I promised myself I would never do. I started a Tumblr."
- "I guess I should be grateful that among the last remaining hitmakers of [adult alternative], there's a band like Train around to keep things interesting. Yeah, believe it or not, I just called Train interesting. ...So what changed about them in their late period work that I suddenly find so interesting? Well...I think the lead singer might have gone insane."
- His entire reaction to the infamous 'Hefty Bag' line.Todd: Which, funny that you mention because here's a garbage bag full of all my disgust for that line. (sets full garbage bag on chair, looks inside) Oh. No. Wait. This isn't disgust. It's garbage. Which is what you put in a garbage bag, you freak of nature!
- "Why would you compare your love to garbage? I mean, I was already shocked that 'drive by' was the most romantic imagery you could think of, but...boy, he topped that one pretty quickly, didn't he? What kind of person would be turned on by that? (cut to a clip from Trash Humpers) Eccchhh!"
- Todd reveals that Kodak really did pay Pitbull to name-drop them in "Give Me Everything", "and it worked so well Kodak promptly went bankrupt."
- "This song has to be the worst commercial for Hefty bags ever! (Cue actual Hefty commercial) This song has to be the second-worst commercial for Hefty bags ever! "
- "I'm pretty rhyming 'move me' with 'groovy' is a civil offense."
- "Don't make me think of your 'Oh!' face, dude."
- Return of Hypocritical Humor"Yeah, this doesn't seem like it's gonna be a love for the ages. And take a hint, palshe doesn't want to be with you or even near you or even in the same town with you. You should look at the clues and leave this girl alone. (pulls out wallet) Isn't that right, wallet photos of Lupa? I love you, too." (kisses the picture)
- Pat Monahan : ♪On the upside of a downward spiral\ My love for you went viral♪
Todd: (falls backwards out of his chair) What?! No! No! I swear to God, Pat Monahan hears buzzwords and uses them without finding out what they mean. "My love for you is a killer app. Stop Kony with my love." What is your problem?! I'm not sure I can even try for an explanation here. His love for you went viral. His love for you is like a virus...that he puts in a garbage bag. Does this man loathe himself?!
- "This [song's lyrics] is Vogon poetry-level bad."
- The title card, which interprets the song's title with Kelly Clarkson telling Todd that poison is Super Serum.
- "That first single was so bitter and abrasive, it made 'You Oughta Know' sound like 'You Light Up My Life'."
- "I guess there just isn't a market for a pop star who wasn't supermodel-hot or rail-thin making an album full of bitter breakup songs. ...OH, WAIT!"
- "She's been plenty successful; what she hasn't been is relevant or interesting. Never less so on this last single, 'Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)', a title which, right off the bat, tells you everything you need to know about it. It goes well with what I imagine are other songs on the album like 'In Yourself (Believe)' or 'Give Up (Don't)'."
- The "Mr. Pick Your Nose" part.
- Doing the ex-boyfriend as a cartoon villain. "She's all heartbroken and shit. Mwa ha ha ha— What? She's totally okay because she's strong and independent? NOOO! I'll get you next time, Kelly Clarkson!"
- "You just made this guy up, didn't you? Let me guess, does he live in Canada? Not around much, I'm guessing?"
- The call from The Nostalgia Chick at the end.Nostalgia Chick: (crying) Well, you know what? Fine! I don't need you! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and you made me stronger by your unceasing rejection! Who's got two thumbs and enjoys all the loneliness?! Me! That's who! You know what?! This air right here that you could be standing in, being warm and kissing and touching me right now?! It feels great!
Todd: (comes back whistling with pizza, picks up the phone) Hello? Still there? (shrugs, takes a slice) Pizza makes me stronger.
- The obligatory, but nevertheless awesome inclusion of, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" as the closing song.
- "As someone who's spent most of his energy in the past three years thinking about Rihanna, I'm a little stymied by having this whole other genre invade my space. It's like if I was a person who tried really hard to be one of the best horror novel reviewers around, and then you came up to me and said, "hey, now, review this brand of toothpaste.' But you know what? Fine. Today I'm gonna force myself to be the best damn toothpaste reviewer I can be. ...Ok. So we have two acts here. One, a New York-based indie rock band whose name is un-Googleable, and the other, a Belgian-born Australian man whose name is unpronounceable. I'll level with you, I may have disliked fun. right from the get-go just for their hipster-ironic name, which comes complete with lack of proper capitalization and blunt period at the end for maximum irony. If they were any more hipster, their logo would be upside-down or maybe they'd have a (picture reads "fun. the noun") 'the' in the middle of their name. And 'Go-t-yuh'...well, that's not a word, damn it. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy picked his stage name by slamming his fist down on his computer keyboard and reading the results."
- Todd: Why were they the ones that broke through the pop chart's rock barrier and not, some newer act with mountains of buzz like Florence + the Machine? She's had, like, three years of hype, and she can't get her newest single higher than the mid-70s, and a naked Australian goes to #1?? And it's not like I don't try to keep my ear to the ground. I was just really taken by surprise that the indie breakthrough came from fun. featuring Janelle Monae, and 'Go-t-yuh' featuring Kimbra. Of those four acts I just listed, I had heard of exactly one of them before these songs got big, and I'm not actually certain she's on the track at all.
Janelle Monae: ♪Carry me home tonight♪
Todd: Oh, that part's her? That little part? That counts? I didn't even recognize her, I didn't even recognize that was even a different person singing. What, that three seconds got her a "featuring" credit?
Todd: Oh, by the way, guys, you didn't know this, but this video is actually a crossover with, uh...JewWario. Look.
Jew Wario: Hi.
Todd: Ooh, best crossover ever! So great to collaborate with you, J-Dub. Ok, for real, I'm on that song almost as long as Janelle Monae is, so that wasn't what made it popular. But it was a rhetorical question anyway; I can tell you right now where these songs came from. *sigh* Yes, Glee. I don't really watch Glee. I think it promotes the unfair stereotype that gay people make horrible television shows.
- "We Are Young" has these rambling verses, unrelated chorus, and out-of-nowhere tempo change. For pop music, it may as well be a seven-part avant-garde opera played on the bagpipes."
- "'We Are Young' is full of interesting lyrics, but it's muddled and confused, but the picture painted by 'Somebody That I Used to Know', on the other hand, is not confused. In fact, it's quite devastating precise. I suspect that 'We Are Young', with all its mumbled, jumbled half-apologies, might be about a douchebag. 'Somebody That I Used to Know' is different, though, because it's definitely about a douchebag."
- Todd having a problem pronouncing the word "Gotye." It eventually culminates in a Precision F-Strike of epic proportions when Todd calls him "Goatse."
- "I've listened to a lot of fun.'s songs now, and now that I've gotten to sample a larger segment of their work, I can say this definitively. These guys have listened to a-lot of Queen. Like, a whole lot of Queen. The other thing I've discovered is that lead singer Nate Ruess is not Freddie Mercury."
- "Where's Wikileaks when you need 'em?"
- "Will Smith is putting together the long-overdue third movie in the Men in Black franchise. Smith, now a 43-year-old man who hasn't rapped in nearly a decade, is clearly no longer a suitable candidate to write a promotional theme song. And so the king of family-friendly party raps for decades, a man famously proud of his ability to write songs without obscenities, turned his duties over to his obvious successor, a former drug dealer whose first hit was named after the Spanish word for 'ass'."
- Mickey & Sylvia: ♪Baby, ohhh baby♪
Todd: And it plays over and over again, you hear it over again, and they didn't change any of the words. They just plopped the sample right in there.
Mickey & Sylvia: ♪My sweet baby\ You're the one♪
Todd: "My sweet baby? You're the one?" What the living crap does this have to do with Men in Black? Do Agent J and Agent K fall in love in this movie? ...Not that I'm OPPOSED to watching that. Ok, to be fair, that guitar lick is pretty solid, and if they'd based the whole song around that riff, it could've worked. But for reasons I can't fathom, they swap out the guitar thing for one of the stiffest, dorkiest-sounding hip-hop beats I've ever heard. Doop doop doop doop doop... So the beat sucks, the chorus sucks, and— Holy crap, we haven't even gotten to Pitbull yet!
Pitbull: ♪Let's excuse me baby\ Go, yeah you baby\ Back, ooh you groovy, baby♪
Todd: "Groovy, baby."
Austin Powers: Oh, groovy, baby.
Todd: Ok, already this song is doing nothing but reminding me of movies that aren't Men in Black.
- Todd: I guess it does mention the movies a little. It does mention the main characters.
Pitbull: ♪Agent J or Agent K♪
Todd: Apparently he's even an agent now.
Pitbull: ♪It's Mr Worldwide\ Agent A, reporting live♪
Todd: Agent A? Your names begins— I guess that's after his real name, Armando. I guess he didn't want to be Agent P because, you know, let's preempt the obvious Toilet Humour, right?
Pitbull: ♪Number TWOOOOOOOOOO!♪
- "Men in Black is not about you, Pitbull. I mean, this is exactly why the studios rejected your James Bond theme! (as Pitbull) Mr. 305. Mr. Worldwide. Pitbull. Pitbull. I'm Pitbull. Also James Bond or something."
- "Finding out I had herpes was quite a shock. #pikachu"
- "This song is a disaster. It came out as rushed as the ending of Men in Black III, and it reveals why you don't try to get someone as painfully limited as Pitbull to write about anything but the standard hip-hop bullshit. Pitbull has clearly done everything he can to make this as awful as possible, and there is nothing he can do to make it any worse. Well, maybe one thing. Did someone say Dubstep?! Wow, I love the way it mixes this 1950's rock 'n roll song with dubstep. Just melds together so well. This is no longer funny-bad."
- After Todd pretends to have Agent J use the neuralyzer to make him forget he reviewed the song:Todd: And...and that concludes my seven-part series about Elvis Costello and the post-punk movement of the late 70s. Thank you all for watching. I'm...someone, and I'm out.
- "Surely Mr. Grumpy-Pants Pop-Hater over here can be counted on to give this song a good thrashing. I mean, why would he even be doing an episode on it unless he hated it, right? Right? Ok, before I say anything, you do know I have done reviews of stuff I like, right? I've done it a few times now. Also, I keep telling you guys I actually like pop music; no one ever seems to believe me. I wouldn't be doing this if I disliked everything. What about 'Call Me Maybe'? Do I like that too? Well...no?!"
- "Canadian Idol ran for six seasons in the 2000's where they had, no joke, had themed episodes such as Barenaked Ladies Night and Gordon Lightfoot Night, which I hope is as funny to you as it is to me. Canadian Idol was probably a bad idea from the get-go. ...Carly Rae entered the show in Season 5, which thankfully for her sake, didn't have anything so hilarious as Loverboy Night or anything."
- "Oh my God, you guys, I met this cute boy and...oh my God, I never do this...I gave him my phone number. Oh my God, oh my God, this is so crazy, you guys, this is so bad— I'm going to hell. ...Oh my God, you guys, his jeans were ripped and I saw...his knees!"
- The fake squee's squeaky sound.
- "I'll never tell, tee hee hee.... So let me tell you all about it."
- But she's not so bad as a pop star, right?Todd: I mean, the video's cute. She's cute. The song's cute. IT'S ALL SO EXCRUCIATINGLY CUTE!!
- When Todd finds out Carly Rae Jepsen is 26: "You know what? I should have known. If she was really a teenager, she would've named this song "Text Me Maybe"."
- His confused reaction to Jepsen singing "There's a Hole in My Bucket".
- "I forgot to mention. Yeah, speaking of Canada, I'm gonna be in Canada for Con Bravo, at the Burlington Hotel and Coat Factory."
- Adam Levine: ♪I've got those moves like Jagger, I've got those moves like Jagger♪
Todd: Sure you do, Adam.
- "This new phase in their career reaches its culmination with their latest single, 'Payphone', which comes complete with a guest rapper, of all things. At this point, they may as well just make commercial jingles for Pepsi. But let's be fair here. Just because they've sold out—which they definitely sold out, there's no mistake about that. But that doesn't mean that their music can't be good. Some bands only hit their peak after they sell out. I sell out all the time. (quickly) Verizon Wireless 4G network, unlimited talk, unlimited texts."
- The screen cracking when Levine starts singing.
- "Sorry, it's just that man's voice. God, he's like a frog choking on a harmonica."
- "If I wanted a song about phones with nonsensical videos about crime sprees, I'll stick with Lady Gaga, thank you very much."
- "What the hell is a payphone? Is that a prepaid cell phone? What does it do? Whoa, what the hell is this thing? It's like a regular phone, but it's stuck on this one spot. It wants me to put money in it? It's like a vending machine, but with a phone. I can't figure out how to take pictures with it or access the Internet. Weird. Making a song about payphones in 2012. For serious, what's the next single called, 'Cotton Gin'?"
- Todd: Are you kidding me? Am I listening to yet another rapper who can't talk about anything but about how great his life is? It's just one breakup song. It's not a difficult concept, just sing, "I'm sad, I miss you, we had some good times." One verse, just one little verse where you don't rap about how great you are and your great life and your goddamn car!
Wiz Khalifa: ♪And all of my cars start with a push of a button♪
Todd: Yeah, you know what? I hope you weren't too attached to that car because Levine is doing some terrible things to it right now. I tried to tell you: push-start cars are easy to steal. Did you listen? Noooo.
Wiz: ♪Telling me the chances I blew up\ Or whatever you call it\ Switch the number to my phone\ So you never could call it♪
Todd: Ha, take that! He changed the number in his...payphone? At least he got the phone part in the song right.
- Todd: Adam Levine, if you're out there, I got something to say to you. I know you don't want to burn out. I know you're worried that you're out of ideas and you can't do this on your own anymore. But that doesn't mean you have to give up your integrity like this. I mean, you can get hits now, I guess, but what about your legacy? Wouldn't you rather leave behind good music? Wouldn't you rather be known as someone who made good, high-quality music with soul and personality, even at the cost of his own commercial success?
Wiz: Man, fuck that shit.
Todd: Fair enough.
- He introduces the song by describing David Guetta's past work, including "Sexy Bitch":Todd: I'm trying to find the words to describe this song without being disrespectful. "Sexy Bitch" is a rancid puddle of dog vomit, and everyone involved is probably a child molester.
- "David Guetta isn't awful. He's boring! He's intensely boring. I can't think of any other big name artist who makes music this mechanical or robotic, which is impressive considering how many of his peers present themselves as actual, literal robots."
- "Trying to do an analysis of a David Guetta song is like trying to do an artistic critique of a printer test page. But this is the job I chose, so today let's look at his most recent hit: Personal Strength Song #25445-B, known to us humans as Titanium and featuring some chick named Sia."
- Paw Dugan interjects on the review on the mention of Sia, and lionizes her for being one of the better indie musicians going right now. Then Todd shows Paw what Sia plays on now (namely, her contribution to the Flo Rida song, "Wild Ones"), and Paw gets triggered.
- Right after that, Todd provides an Alternative Character Interpretation for Sia's chorus lyrics to "Wild Ones", reading a line tauntingly as if Sia were making fun of some guy.
- Describing the video, and stating that despite the Lyrics/Video Mismatch it's "still better than X-Men 3, though."
- Using video, he compares David Guetta's beats matching Sia's vocals to the climax of Samuel L. Jackson's inspiring speech in the middle of Deep Blue Sea.
- Todd:(VO): Now the song "Titanium" is an anthem of personal strength, about fearlessly withstanding blows from your enemies. You are strong, like titanium.
Todd: In Guetta's case, he might be [picture of robot] literally made of titanium, but let's ignore that.
- Todd: You're not only getting back up after being knocked down Chumbawumba-style, but you're actually feeling nothing and reacting to nothing. It's a variation of the old "I am rubber, you are glue" defense. It's...it's not really any more sophisticated than "sticks and stones may break my bones."
Sia: ♪Sticks and stones may break my bones♪
Todd: ...You know, it couldn't hurt to try a little harder, guys.
- "Now if I was listening to this on a dance floor, I wouldn't object. But I don't go out clubbing and I still hear it. It's like listening to Christmas music in March. It doesn't fit. David Guetta's music should be inside clubs, like a quarantine so it doesn't infect the rest of the world."
- "Here's the message of this song... Your barrage of words won't hurt me. I feel no pain. Bullets just bounce off me. Like Superman. Well you know what? Superman is lame! Batman is cool! I'd rather be someone who can't take a bullet, and still kick ass."
- "Actually, you know what? I've changed my mind. I think this was a great idea. I hope it starts a trend even. Feist can start having guest verses from Pitbull, Regina Spektor can start shooting whipped cream from her boobs, Bjork can join The Black Eyed Peas. You know what? The more I think about it, the more I like it. David Guetta is leading us into our bland, boring, robot future. I approve."
- The Stinger expands on Paw's new Broken Pedestal opinion of Sia.Paw Dugan: The Sia I know is...Dead. *zooms in on his face* DEAD! *holds, then zooms out again* Not in a threatening way, just emotionally... dead.
- Listing "Wild Ones" as one of his reviews.Paw: The Sia I know is dead! DEAD!
Todd: Shut up, Paw.
- In the middle of his review, Todd gets to a point where he's so disgusted, he has to stop for a Shower of Angst.Todd: Well, see, here's the thing, and this is a secret, so try to keep it on the down-low. (whispering) This song is not actually about whistling. See, it's not really a whistle, it's his penis. So whenever you whistle that catchy tune, what you're actually listening to is the sound of Flo Rida's orgasm.
(gets up and walks upstairs to the bathroom, the sound of running water is heard)
Todd: (blubbering) Get it off me, get it off.
(comes back to the piano)
Todd: God, never be clean.
- "Flo Rida may as well be air-humping with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. (And then Todd pantomimes doing just that.) That's right, I said it. Flo Rida is no Lauren Bacall. These are the controversial statements that make me so widely admired for my honesty. It's not just Flo Rida that doesn't work here, it's the whistling too. Like, this is some serious Andy Griffith shit right here."
- And then it's capped by him Walking in Rhythm to the song, with a cheesy grin on his face.
- His reaction to all the mondegreens.Flo Rida: ♪I'm bettin' you like feet bowl♪
Flo Rida: ♪That's just how we live in my genre♪
Todd: Yeah, well, your genre sucks. Sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
Flo Rida: ♪Who in the hell done paved the road wider?♪
Todd: What? "Done...paid the rottweiler"? Well, I don't know who paid the rottweiler. Do you have some kind of business manager that takes care of your rottweiler services?
- Flo Rida: ♪I'm a damn shame♪
- His reaction to "you got it, my banjo♪""Ok, first off, your banjo? (clip of a man playing the banjo) Sexy. I thought you were calling it your whistle. That was easily to visualize, at least. Or can we just substitute any musical instrument in there? ♪Can you play my accordion, baby\ Accordion, baby, let me know\ You just squeeze the box together\ Then you press the keys and the appropriate bass note with your opposite hand♪
- "You know, now that I think of it, when a girl gives a blowjob, they're also supposed to keep their mouths open...I think. I mean, I know. I know. Moving on."
- The stinger at the end. He's playing The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess when he starts whistling the song. He has to beat it out of his head with a bat.
- "We all need to thank our fine, brave men and women in the US Coast Guard for making sure that no Crazy Frog reaches our shores. Sorry, UK, a lot of your music really sucks, way worse than ours. Sorry. You disagree or you're offended, feel free to e-mail me all your complaints at firstname.lastname@example.org."
- His reaction when he finds out "Swagger Jagger" sampled "Oh My Darling, Clementine"."Oh, Jesus. No, seriously, what is this? It's like some horrible mix of Kesha, Avril Lavigne and a puddle of soccer hooligan vomit. Turn this off."
- "If apologies are not your thing, you could always try the seductive route. And ladies, if there's a guy you wanna snag, here's a little trick that will turn any man into putty in your hands—end every sentence with a violent grunt!"
- The awkward date flashback between Todd and Lupa.
- When Todd sees Astro for the first time. "Holy crap, what is this kid, twelve?"
- Todd's failed attempt to avoid reviewing the song.Todd: When have I ever reviewed stupid YouTube memes? Do I look like Daniel Tosh?!?
- "Let me make myself clear, right now. Just because it's a song, doesn't mean it's the kind of song I review. I only review songs that chart on Billboard. [image of Gangnam Style near the top of Billboard's chart.] ...okay, that's a fluke. Because you can download it on iTunes and Billboard counts that. Just because it charts doesn't mean it's a real song. I think the "Bed Intruder" song charted briefly too, I mean, that's all it is. It's not like I'm hearing it on the radio. [clip of Gangnam Style playing on the radio] ...AM I GOING CRAZY?! [clips of Gangnam Style being danced in concerts across America] What, what, I don't-how... no, like... okay, I have to have some other excuse not to talk about this song. Like, Maroon 5 got another single! You guys want to hear me talk about Maroon 5 again, right? They're interesting! Eh? Eh?! ...no? Okay, you know what? Fine. You want me to talk about the frog-faced Asian man and his silly horsey dance? Fine, I aim to please.
- "(Sarcastically) People from Asia just don't know what the hell they're doing, what with their insane game shows, their weird fetish porn and their sad attempts to make pop music! This is just so bizarre, look at this. They simply don't understand how to make normal music like we do in the West. (cut to "California Gurls", "Alejandro" and "Sexy and I Know It") ...Right."
- "Gangnam, for the record, is the name of the country's richest, ritziest neighbourhood. Every part of Gangnam is basically a baller fantasy land, and it's apparently full of social-climbing, nouveau riche sons-of-bitches spending money like Donald Trump if he won the Nickelodeon Super Toy Run."
- "'Gangnam Style' is not particularly deep, but compared to everyone else in his genre, PSY is practically his country's Fitzgerald."
- On the song sans video or knowledge of Korean: "Basically, it's just 'Party Rock Anthem', except the lyrics don't matter. So basically, it's exactly like 'Party Rock Anthem'."
- His call to Linkara.Todd: Hey, man, I need your help.
Linkara: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about all these e-mails I've been getting.
Todd: Hold on, let me get to this first. This is important. What day is it?
Todd: Oh, right, Sunday. ♪Sunday, Sunday, gotta get down on Sunday♪
Linkara: Yeah, was that it?
Todd: Yep, bye.
Linkara: (goes back to reading comics, starts humming "Friday") ...Oh, goddammit, Todd!
- "Ok, fine, I'll do your stupid dance too. (does Caramelldansen) Am I doing this right?"
- The beginning, in which Todd is gaping excitedly like a dorky schoolgirl.Todd: Ohmigawd, I'm reviewing a Taylor Swift song!
- "Pop Song Chords: They own music. They own the world. They own you. Deal with it!"
- His hypothetical "future Taylor Swift song", which is her voice over full-on EDM.
- More hilarious considering that her follow-up song has dubstep.
- Todd: I like how sweetly malevolent she is with this final dumping. Like, not only is she dumping you, she's doing it while on a waterslide, apparently.
Taylor Swift: ♪We-EEEE! are never ever...♪
- "I think this song is not...that...bad. Yes, I'm giving it my prestigious Not That Bad Award. I'm sure she's honoured."
- When he recognizes the boy from the "You Belong With Me" music video as Travis/Cowpie Clyde. "Well, geez, I guess we know who Miss Short Skirt Cheerleader was. I thought they were BFF's too."
- The "Itchy Leg" jingle returns.