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    Hannah Montana: The Movie 
  • His rundown of what he knows about the show after seeing ten minutes of it in a hotel room.
    Todd: Actually I did watch about ten minutes of it in a hotel room once, and based on that brief limited interaction with the program, my understanding of the show's premise is this: A) Billy Ray Cyrus CAN'T act, B) Whatever this is [Oliver] needs to die. And C) Miley Cyrus plays Miley Stewart, the ordinary teenage girl that lives a double live as world famous pop star Hannah Montana!
  • "Oh no, now Lilly's giant roller coaster skateboard hundreds of people amusement park birthday party is ruined!" Cut to a showing of Todd's last birthday, which consists of him sitting in the dark alone wearing a party hat. Made even more hilarious when his party blower doesn't work.
  • When Travis is introduced as the Romantic Interest by riding a horse, and admits he used to have a crush on Miley:
    Todd: So. In case Hannah Montana wasn't enough of a girly fantasy already, we've added now Ponies and Boys. Yeah, throw now some Sparkly Vampires and we'll have everything.
  • Todd's reaction when he discovers Billy Ray's Romantic Interest of the movie is Melora Hardin.
    Todd: Oh, Jan, no! I didn't think you could sink any lower than being dumped by Michael Scott. But... Billy Ray Cyrus. That'll do it.
  • "Hey everyone. See if you can guess what happens next. Does Billy Ray: A. Discuss the political ramifications of Iran's nuclear program. Or B. Bumbles into the plates like a moron. If you guessed A, please go see a doctor."
    • Then closes with a clip of Urkel's catchphrase.
      Urkel: Did I do that??
  • Jackson is being shown getting attacked by the alligator and dragged into the water and it cuts to another scene.
    Todd: (100% Deadpan) He's dead. (beat) Works for me!
  • Noting the fast maneuvers of an airplane that's just meant to have a normal flight.
    Todd: MiGs on our tail! Scramble!
    Kenny Loggins: ♪Hiiiiighwayyy to the/Danger zooone♪
  • All of Todd's references about the mall being built in the town and how terrible it would be.
    Todd: Oh no! Not a MALL! If they build it we might have something to do around here for fun besides throw pig manure at each other every night!

    Todd: My God, with the expanded tax base the county might be able to afford indoor plumbing for the elementary school! How awful!

    Todd: "I personally love driving 40 minutes to Knoxville every time I want to see a movie or buy a shirt."

    Todd: Eh, True enough that you gotta do what you gotta do. Even if the best employment you can find is doing awful grunt work like that. I'm sure you'd having an easier time if there was some economic engine to stimulate the local job market like, oh I don't know... A MALL!!!!!

    Todd: And speaking of the mall, now we have the fundraiser, where they try to raise money for their fight to save their beloved community center. Oh no, wait, excuse me. THEIR EMPTY FREAKIN' FIELD!! from becoming an useful contributing part of the town.

    Todd: In any case I'm also wondering — are they expecting Hannah Montana fans — whom probably love malls, probably watched this movie in a mall — to sit there and shout, "YEAH! Down with malls!"?

    Todd: And that means the mall isn't going to be built! I guess. They don't really mention it; I guess we're supposed to assume that the little town has been freed from the horrors of economic development.
  • And speaking of the fundraiser:
    Todd: Oh hey, it's that other teen pop star. The one who writes her own music and plays an instrument. Yeah, might want to hustle her off-screen before you get upstaged, Miley.
  • "Not only does the wig magically turn Miley into Hannah without anyone noticing, it turns anyone into Hannah. It's the only thing anyone notices. Put it on anyone, and they become Hannah Montana." *Picture of Spoonette appears* "OH MY GOD LOOK, IT'S HANNAH MONTANA!"
  • Later when Miley and Lily start to bicker in panic about whose turn is to be Hannah.
  • After talking about Miley's Zany Scheme to run back and forth between a date and a dinner party, he tiredly pulls a saxophone out of nowhere and starts to "play" Yakety Sax.
    Todd: And there's a ferret!
  • After the cliché of "The Liar Revealed" (or "You lied, and now I hate you") takes place and "Cowpie Clyde" discovers Miley's secret.
    Travis: Are you making fun of me?
    Todd: No, that's me. Over here.
  • His utter disgust for the Broken Family-Unfriendly Aesop at the climax of the movie.
    Todd: Oh dear lord! Is this happening?! She just bared her soul to these people and they're just flat rejecting it! They're saying "We don't care about what you want, stupid teenage girl. Play the hits! GET BACK TO YOUR CAGE AND DANCE, MONKEY"! "WE'LL KEEP YOUR SECRET?!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! At least five hundred people in this crowd Facebooked, Twittered, or YouTubed that shit the second she took the wig off! I thought Spiderman 2 was bad with this, but this is a million times worse! But that's not even the point! The point is that she tried to present herself as who she truly is and the whole crowd told her they didn't want it. They wanted superficiality and lies. OH. JESUS. You did it, movie! YOU GOT ME TO CARE ABOUT HANNAH MONTANA. YOU GOT ME TO CARE ABOUT HANNAH MONTANA BY TAKING A GIANT SPARKLY DUMP ON OUR HOPES AND DREAMS! Also some other stuff happens, I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I'M DONE WITH THIS!
  • How does Todd decide to introduce Barry Bostwick?

    Hannah Montana Pop Tour Guitar Video Game 
  • Said toy was a present his friends got him for Christmas "because they think they're funny". He even includes actual video footage of him receiving it, with his face obscured (even though he says it's undoctored...), of course.
    Todd: As soon as you turn this camera off, I'm beating the shit out of you.
  • Discussing the unwieldy name of the Hannah Montana Pop Tour Guitar Video Game.
    Todd: ... one of my favourite titles ever for a video game, right up there with Space Marine First Person Shooter Video Game, Nonsense Fantasy Role-Playing Game and of course, Piece of Shit.
  • His complete inability to wear the guitar strap. And reaction when he discovers that there is no strum bar.
  • "You know, I'm playing this basically with two fingers, but I'm imagining little girls with less arm strength having to whack the sensor repeatedly with their whole arm until either the guitar breaks or they hurt themselves. Yeah, that'll teach you some rock 'n' roll, kids."
  • "Those bastards at Disney are as brilliant as they are pure evil. If they wanted to overthrow the government, believe me, they would."
  • His horrified reaction to Nobody's Perfect is priceless.
    Todd: "Oh, God... It's worse than the Tom Morello battle in Guitar Hero 3!
  • On how Hannah Montana does not play guitar in concert, rendering the game pointless:
    Voiceover from the TV ad: Match the notes on your TV screen and thrill the crowd with your rockin' Hannah performance, starring you!
    Todd: Except not starring you. Basically, what this game is selling you is the fantasy of being one of Hannah Montana's well-compensated but completely anonymous professional sidemen. The crowd completely ignores you and won't ever acknowledge your presence. You share a small dressing-room with three other guys. If you're lucky, Miley might say a couple sentences to you during rehearsal.

  • The movie fast-forwards itself as a transition and Todd initially thinks he sat on the remote.
    Todd: That just looks ridiculous. Actually hold on. I need a soda. (fast-forwards himself)
  • Todd: So Terrence has Sylk instead lip-sync to Mariah, and Mariah goes along with it because why the hell not? The new single debuts to the appreciative ears of a club DJ named Dice.
    Todd: No, different Dice.
  • The first minutes have Todd adding plenty of Soundtrack Dissonance: young Mariah singing leads to Lisa Simpson singing "I'm the saddest kid in grade number two"; her house in flames, "Burning down the house"; and Silk's unimpressive performance, "The Touch".
  • "Did he just get Mariah into bed by playing the marimbas? Ok, there are instruments of seduction. Guitar, piano, saxophone on the outside, but marimba? Does he only bust out his giant xylophone when he can't kazoo his way into a girl's pants?"
  • "Well, that's the end of that romance. Never has the breakup of a jealous, possessive dick and a blank-faced emotional cypher been more heart-rending. I believed in them. I really—She kept the cat?! How old is that thing?! What is it, like, seventeen at this point?"
  • The Running Gag of "NOPE" every time Todd tries to speculate if something will become a plot point. Specially his meltdown after the third.
    Todd: "Oh for the love of Christ!! What the hell is the point of this movie?? What's the plot? What's the theme? Why does a scene follows the other? WHY AM I WATCHING THIS??"
  • On the shopping scene.
    Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shopping solves everything. Shopping montage of them trying on outfits and shit.
    (The scene just jumps to the girls walking with their outfits on. Todd stares.)
  • When Mariah is writing her song in a notepad.
    Todd: (as Mariah) "Dear diary: I'm really worried about the direction of the movie. There just doesn't seem to be any conflict or moment to move the plot forward. I don't know what to do".
  • After Dice goes to beat up the guy he owes money.
    Todd: Uhm... Pretty sure that's not the way the loan shark-debtor relationship is supposed to work.
    Todd: (as Dice) Where's my money?! Where's my money?! Oh, that's right. I still have my money, because I still haven't paid the money I debt to you. Oops.
  • The final scene reveals Mariah's mom was sober for the last years and they reunite.
    Todd: You've been clean and sober for years? Why didn't you come, bitch?!
  • Todd: You could replace the character with a mannequin that plays Mariah Carey CDs, and nothing would change. That's how worthless the character is—you could replace her with a statue and a CD player. ...Hey, now, there's an idea. (pulls out the Mario statue and a CD player)
    Todd (recording): That Kesha song is terrible. What a terrible Ke$ha song.
    Todd: Making these videos just got so much easier.

    Todd's Black Eyed Peas Experience 
  • When he's joined by Lindsay, Nella, JesuOtaku, and Oancitizen at the end...
    Caption: And lo, there was much humping.

    —> Todd: Should I do this? Ugh, she's gonna make do this.
  • The first time, Todd appears to be dancing to a different track than everyone else.
    Caption: I am Mr. Coordination.
  • When the Channel Awesome team is told by the game to "freestyle," everyone gets into it, except Todd, who stands stock still with the most forlorn and bemused look on his face.
  • Pretty much all of the captions throughout the video were gold.
    Caption when Channel Awesome members are all dancing: This would be great blackmail material if I were not in it.
    Caption at the very end with the credits: And to think Nash didn't want to join us on stage.
  • Special mention to when Todd first plays it, and he finishes it looking utterly distressed and horrified.
    BEP Demo Lady: You guys want to dance again? You're more than welcome to.
    Caption: NO.
  • The end credits song: "Everybody Poops."

    From Justin to Kelly (with the Nostalgia Chick) 
  • The start of the video:
    Todd: I suppose I could do the crossover thing... get someone else to do the heavy lifting for me. But who?
    Nash: What, after all those times you've hijacked Radio Dead Air to play those awful requests? Hell, no.
    Todd: Lupa stopped answering my calls.
    Linkara: Oh, so now you wanna do a crossover, huh?! Are you sure you don't wanna just laugh for twenty minutes about how I'm a nerd?! Go bite me!
    Sad Panda: (holding an Xbox 360 to his ear) Yeah, yeah, that's sounds great. I have no idea who you are. Goodbye.
    Todd: Damn it, I guess I can't do that idea either. Shit. [Phone rings. Todd stares at it for a moment and sags] ...Hi, Nostalgia Chick.
    Nostalgia Chick: [quickly, in one long run-on sentence] Hi, Todd. So, I heard that you were looking to do another crossover because you didn't really feel like doing all the legwork, which I would happily do, and I've been looking at From Justin to Kelly, and I saw it a bunch of times already, so I was wondering, if you really, you know, were interested, we could do another crossover since the last one we did went so well and well, I hadn't even...didn't even need to tie you up, and um... Yeah, you wanna do another crossover with me? (Todd remains still and silent) So...what do you think?(Todd still doesn't move) All right, seriously, Todd, I'm looking at your tax records right now, so I know how poor you are and how badly you need money, so you can either do a review with me, or you can keep dumpster diving at the local Arby's. What's it gonna be? (Still nothing from Todd) (sing-songy) I already bought you a train ticket! (Todd slumps, defeated. Cut to to the Chick happily hugging Todd while he looks miserable)
    Chick: I knew you'd come review with me!
  • Todd and Chick trying to remember what From Justin to Kelly was about.
    Chick: The point we're trying to make is that this film is not terribly memorable. Even its legacy as a bad movie is a little baffling to me. ...From Justin to Kelly is the cinematic equivalent of watching someone slooowly scrape the burnt part off the toast. And failing.
  • The baffling fact of its existence at all, as the concept is hardly a solid one and the two leads were not big celebrities or actors:
    Chick: My original theory is that it was conceived by aliens who were trying to mimic the film-making ways of the hu-man.
    Chick: It's MTV's Summer Beach House filtered through the lens of a middle school assistant principal. It's so innocent, they can't even show Kelly in a bikini...except in one scene. This is as beachy as she gets.
    Todd: Your average Disney Channel sitcom gets raunchier than this. Not that I watch those.
  • Todd's confusion over the line "My friends call me Kelly for short".
    Todd: Short for what? Kellisa? Kellandria? Kellificent?
  • Kelly Clarkson isn't good in this movie, but Todd points out her bad performance isn't due to lack of acting talent or bad direction like most other bad films. Her bad acting is due to the fact she clearly doesn't want to be there, and considering she and Justin Guarini were contractually obligated to appear in the film, who can blame her?
  • Kelly not wanting to participate the whipped cream bikini contest "because she is, as always, a strong, independent woman."
  • Todd: I have nothing against silly productions starring a bunch of non-actors. I was in a couple of those. But we weren't in there for contractual obligations
    Chick: Maybe you weren't... (Sulks for a moment)
  • Chick: Evil Whore switches out Kelly's number with her own so she can intercept Justin's messages and try to keep them from reaching Kelly. Then again, considering that Justin is trying to send Kelly such sweeping romantic poetry as "I O U A BRGR," I'm not sure she wasn't doing them both a favor.
    Todd: I have a question—why do girls always have the token evil friend?
  • This Reality Subtext gag:
    Todd: And we're just supposed to believe that all those couples stayed together despite living in different states, because long-distance relationships never work.
    Chick: They never work.
  • Todd's reaction to the terrible Villain Song.
    • "I can't even tell what key she's in!"
  • Todd: "Well, you two underqualified reality show contestants may have been forced to be here by contractual obligation to the whims of horrible, heartless studio executives, but at least you made it to the end of the movie. NOW KISS!"
    • Made even more hilarious when you notice that Lindsay is trying (and failing) to suppress her laughter in the background.
  • After the movie over, Todd has an angry rant that he's been manipulated by the Chick, had to spend time with his crazy stalker, watched this awful movie with these terrible non-actors and is leaving right now and never, ever doing another review with her. She offers him lasagne, and his resolve immediately faulters.
  • The video ends with Todd returning to his keyboard to write his script on Gotye. It doesn't work out.
    Script: Gotye is some guy.
    Todd: (Headdesk) Goddammit.

    Top Ten Groin Shots in Movies 
  • The intro following Oancitizen's cameo. Most of all, that Oan encourages him to look deep within himself and write something truly heartfelt.
    • "Top Ten Nut Shots in Movies! Go! Let me be clear here. I'm not talking biting, I'm not talking shooting, I'm not talking castration. I want sheer blunt trauma! I'm only counting fists, knees, baseballs, tree trunks, anything that slams full force and squashes some hapless moron's family jewels!"
  • "Mike Judge's cult comedy Idiocracy is a brutal satire of anti-intellectual culture, positing a future dystopia where people of lesser intelligence have so thoroughly outbred the smarter members of society that the entire world is populated by contemptible dullards who spend their lives amusing themselves with worthless juveniles entertainments, such as the hit TV show, 'Ow! My Balls!' Truly, we see here the terrifying, logical endpoint of the modern world's underacknowledged banality, where the basic human urge towards progress and accomplishment has been subsumed as society is pacified by the shallow pleasures of moronic humour. (man on TV gets repeatedly hit in the balls) Hah! Do it again. Ha ha! ...Remember, you're an idiot if you laughed at any of that. Ok, one more."
  • Todd plays the clip from Dumb and Dumber on loop over and over. He finally just comments "Number 6 is Dumb and Dumber. I could just sit and watch this for hours. Wow."
  • "Let me tell you about this hilarious comedy called Antichrist! See, this couple has a kid, and get this, the kid dies. And they go out to their little cabin in the woods to try and get over their grief, then...hold on. The woman goes completely insane! And then she starts having sex with the dude, but then she gets all violent in the middle of it, and she just completely destroys his gonads with a block of wood! Ha! Then she grabs him by the junk and... I don't wanna spoil it or anything, but...there's a lot more blood involved. And then she grabs a pair of scissors and— Oh, man...(laughter turns to crying)"
  • "Oh, MOTHERFUCKER. I forgot to put Roger Rabbit on my Top Ten Nut Shots list. It probably would have gone in at Number Three."
  • "Normal, less-stupid videos resume next week."

  • Todd awkwardly realizing his TV is in the opposite direction of his keyboard
  • "I expected this movie to be riddled with cliches, but— For crap's sake, she's from Iowa, people. She's literally... ♪Just a small-town girl\ Livin' in a lonely world\ She took the midnight train going anywhere♪"
  • Hearing a weirdly discordant bit of music during Ali's introduction to LA, going "Tha-that can't be." And then you faintly hear a gravelly voice saying "The beautiful people". And then...Todd's mouth hangs open and it cuts to...
    Marilyn Manson: The beautiful people, the beautiful people. It's all relative to the size of your steeple.
    • And then when it cuts to a pre-fab version more appropriate to the film's actual tone, Todd puts his hands on his head for a second, moves them outward a bit and says, "Poosh." Mind blown.
  • "'Blrrlrrlrr!' Yeah, I'm not really a fan of Cher's singing either."
  • The numerous references to a certain episode of The Simpsons.
  • His disbelief when the film rips off two movies in one scene. He even accidentally called the last one!
  • "Christina, even right when she got famous, she always conveyed all the wholesome, guileless naivete of Miss Piggy."
  • After Ali's dance audition fails miserably:
    Todd: I hope you all enjoyed that single piece of acknowledgement that Christina might not be perfect because now we begin the phase of the movie that I call: "Golly-Gosh-Christina-Aguilera-Is-Just-The-Greatest-And-Best-Singer-And-Dancer-And-Performer-And-Entertainer-Who-Ever-Lived-EVER". Spoilers: This phase will last the entire movie.
  • His reactions to whenever Christina Aguilera hits a high note, including a giant fist punching him off his chair, the Jackass recreation of the Maxell stereo ad with a jet engine, and the climax of Twister with the two leads surviving inside a tornado.
  • For the scene where Christina suggests singing for real, instead of lipsynching, where they indicate Cher is the only one who sings, basically saying that they have a band that only plays one song every night.
    Todd: Oh, right. Tess is allowed to sing. Because she has such an amazing voi- No, she doesn't. Even Cher would tell you that.

    Todd: If you have band on staff, just to culminate your one vanity piece song everynight, well, damn. It's no wonder why you're going out of business.

    Todd: You know, Cher. If you're this successful and still can't keep the place open, maybe the problem is you.
  • For Cher's solo song:
    Todd: (singing like Cher) Give me an Oscar∼ We have this whole song and there's no point for it, except for a cheap "Best Song" nomination∼
  • After Ali rushes to put on pants when she realizes her male coworker isn't gay.
    Todd: Oh well, fellas. Girls walk around pantless around gay guys. They just do. Try it yourself. Tell a girl you're gay, and watch them drop their pants. It happens.
  • "Showgirls: Friendship Is Magic That's what I'm calling this movie from now on."
  • Summing up the end of the film.
    Todd: And that's it, that's the movie. She's made it. A real Hollywood success story...headlining a single insolvent burlesque house. She's a STAR, Baby!

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