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"Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)."
—Opening to My Immortal

My Immortal, by "Tara Gilesbie", is an infamous Harry Potter Fan Fiction.

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is a seventh-year Slytherin who's overwhelmingly beautiful, "goff" and has Draco Malfoy wrapped around her pale finger. Everywhere she goes, her fellow students are smitten by her hot, goffik So Beautiful, It's a Curse body. She's usually surrounded by her friends, "Stanist" "goffs" who slit their wrists, cry tears of blood, shop at Hot Topic and move into Slytherin, while everyone else (including Dumblydore) is a prep who listens to Avril Lavigne and hates the goffs for no reason.

The plot is mostly centered around Vlodemort trying to force Enoby to kill Harry. After this, Evony goes back in tim to try to prevent Tom Bombodil from ever becoming Volxemort, by making him fall in love with her. Snap and Loopin are pedophiles who enjoy masticating and eventually get sent to Azerbaijan (or "Abhkazian", which could possibly be a product of the Cupertino Problem if not for the fact that the fic has clearly never seen a spellchecker). Then there's some drama between Egogy, Drako, and Vampire, and...who are we kidding? There's nothing resembling a plot here.

What this fic does have, however, is sex, torture, rape, time travel (Marty McFly makes an inexplicable cameo), guns, goth concerts, ludicrous and confusing nicknames, dramatic entrances, tears of blood, wrist-cutting, homo-/bisexuality, fishnets, and clothing descriptions worthy of American Psycho. This is not to mention the OOC drama, ranging from Tara's constant interaction with her incensed reviewers, the rocky relationship between Tara and her best friend, Raven, and back-and-forth between Tara and a mysterious "hacker." The constant spelling mistakes don't help the reader's understanding either. Depending on who you believe, it's either one of the worst fanfics ever written or a shining example of a Troll Fic.

For the Death Note version, see Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami. For The Twilight Saga version, see Twila The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre or Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen. For the Pokémon version, see Pokémon: Attack of Mewtwo. For the Redwall version, see soulless shell, though that one's closer to legolas by laura in some ways. For the Warrior Cats version, see Star Kits Prophecy. For The Legend of Zelda version, see My Inner Life. For the Percy Jackson and the Olympians version, see Moon Daughter.

See also (My) Immortal: The Web Series, a Web Video adaptation.

My Immortal provides examples of:

  • The '80s: Tara randomly decides that Voldemort attended Hogwarts in the 1980s (canonically, it's the 1940s) - maybe she just couldn't imagine a time before there were "goffs". She also throws the Marauders, who canonically attended Hogwarts in the 1970s, into the same time period. And she keeps up only the barest pretense of the '80s, filling the scenes from that decade with blatant pop-culture anachronisms. At least twice, her author's notes point out details which aren't accurate to the '80s in order to ask us to ignore them.
  • Absurdly Divided School: Hogwarts is apparently divided into two antagonistic groups, the villainous, pastel-wearing, pop-music loving "Prepz", and the protagonist's group, the "goffs", who wear dark colors, listen to "goffik" music, and even change their names to be "evil" or "dark" sounding. These two groups are so utterly opposed to each other that they regularly insult, torment, and assault one-another, but the "preps" are in a position of power, due to most of the school faculty taking their side. It used to be even worse in the past, as Enoby learns that Dumblydore used to be so anti-"goff", he'd send students to Azkaban for it.
  • Alpha Bitch: Ebony, who treats non-goths like pure crap and has her own exclusive posse to back her up and join in. Britney is considered one as well, despite not doing anything remotely terrible whenever she appears.
  • Always Chaotic Evil: Preps, apparently, although we never see them do as many horrible things as the goth protagonists.
  • Anatomically Impossible Sex: Something is terribly, terribly wrong with the ... order of events here:
    He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation.note 
  • Anti-Climax: Chapter 17-18. 17 sets up some fight between "Dumblydore" and Voldemort, but 18 opens with Ebony waking up. It's explained away in a paragraph, where Dumbledore "chased him off" (and then segues into Ebony and Draco having sex to a Linkin Park song...). Of course, most fights end with someone flying away. Rather like The Iliad, only stupid.
  • Anti-Hero: Ebony and her friends. They all fight the villain Voldemort, but they disrespect authority and do "pot, coke and crak"... and each other.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: This description of a Peeping Tom transgression against Ebony contains several arrest-worthy offenses followed by one blandly mundane act.
    Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.
  • Artistic License – Biology: Willow is described as being "thin enouff to be anorexic" but having "really big bobs".
  • A-Team Firing: To quote Szaleniec in his dramatic reading, "This story would be a lot shorter if the characters could shoot straight."
  • Author Appeal: All of Tara's protagonists have the same taste in fashion and music as her to a comical degree, down to the characters attending Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance concerts.
  • Author Avatar:
    • Not just Ebony, but every other character to be portrayed in a positive light, since they're all basically clones of her.
    • At one point, angry with Raven, Tara changes Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way to Ebony Dark'ness Dementia TARA Way (her emphasis).
    • At another point, Tara describes "Ebony's" hairstyle, then asks the readers to "email me if u wana see da pik."
  • Author Filibuster: Tara constantly stops the plot (or lack thereof) to remind us she hates preps for no reason. And that she's a Yaoi Fangirl. And that anyone who flames this story is a jealous gay fag.
  • Back from the Dead: Willow, although whether or not "B'loody Mary" was telling the truth about killing her (and letting Loopin have sex with the corpse...) is unknown. Draco comes back too, after committing suicide. No explanation is given for this.
  • Battered Bouquet: Hargrid gives Ebony a bouquet of flowers. This enrages her, since they are pink (“You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up preps like you.”). Seeing her displeasure, Hargrid then casts a spell (by singing My Chemical Romance lyrics combined with broken Latin) to turn the roses into balls of black fire.
  • Beige Prose: When discussing anything besides Ebony's apperance, the prose becomes very simplistic. Chapter 1:
    I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowy and rainy at the same time.
  • Big Damn Heroes: At the end of chapter 17, Ebony and gang attend a MCR concert, unaware the band are the Death Dealers in disguise. They unmask themselves and Voldemort threatens to kill Ebony and Draco, when, suddenly, Dumbledore flies in on a broomstick and chases Voldemort away with a spell.
  • Black-and-Grey Morality: As this dramatic reading series notes, "Everyone is either a Satanist or a prep and both of them are evil."
  • Bolivian Army Ending: We never see what happens after Ebony uses Avada Kedavra.
  • Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: Ebony and "B'loody Mary" (a.k.a. Hermione), while watching Das niteMARE b4 xmas, discuss how their ex-friend Willow got expelled for skipping classes. B'loody Mary suddenly mentions that "after Willow got expelled I murdered her and then Loopin did it with her cos he's a necphilak". Ebony's only response is a happy "Kawai".
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: Ebony sometimes goes as far as addressing the reader directly. While in character. In the middle of the story.
    He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.
  • Buffy Speak: Jumbled misspeaking in search of the right word or phrase is an earmark of the fic.
    Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.
  • Bus Crash: Willow would be an example of this if there were any continuity. She is featured prominently in chapter two and then isn't mentioned again until chapter sixteen in which it's stated she died. But then she comes back from the dead with no explanation.
  • Captain Obvious: Nothing in the story is sufficiently self-evident that it can't be elaborated on needlessly.
    All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart.
  • Card-Carrying Villain: All "preps" are evil. Don't ask why — Tara seems to think it's clearly evident.
  • Character Catchphrase:
    • Ebony's go-to insults are "prep" and calling people "bastards". However, her go-to insult for Vampire (Harry) is variations of "fucker" and/or "motherfucker".
    • Ebony tends to say "Oh my fucking God" as an exclamation a lot.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: The fic makes liberal use of F-Bombs. Here's just one example:
    What the fuck? You torture my fucking bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.
  • Conflict Ball: Why do the two groups of daft High School stereotypes hate each other? God knows.
  • Content Warnings: The tagging phrase "WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD" is used in one instance. (Of course, "excretion" might just be the right word...)
  • Cool Car: Draco has a flying Mercedes-Benz. Notably, this is one of the actual canon features of the fanfic: at least one flying car does exist in the Harry Potter 'verse. Although it's fairly out of character for Malfoy to own an enchanted version of a Muggle invention.
  • Costume Porn: And how. Pretty much one-third of the fic is spent describing what someone is wearing. It could probably be more if Tara wasn't so busy writing out a "Groundhog Day" Loop in between fits of IKEA Erotica, but...
  • Crack Fic: Provided this fic is the work of a troll, of course.
  • Creator's Culture Carryover: Hogwarts is in Britain, but you wouldn't know it with all the American cultural references this story contains.
  • Crossover:
    • Marty McFly appears for no real reason other than to take Ebony back to the present.
    • Darth "Valer" takes Voldemort's place at one point.
    • Socrates makes an appearance in Chapter 36. Yeah, wrap your mind around that one.
    • A third, possibly unintentional one:
      Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was.........Tom Bombodil!1111
    • In another cameo involving Voldemort, at one point, Voldemort's past self is referred to as "Tom Anderson".
  • Crunchtastic: The fic is loaded with made-up adjectives that border on the ridiculous.
    • "Yeah shut up!!!!" Snake said preppily.
    • 'Gothically' is also used as an adjective. And apparently there is such a thing as an 'emo voice'.
    • 'Sexily' is also frighteningly common, as in "I jumped sexily in front of da bullet".
  • "Darkness von Gothick" Name: Most of the original Harry Potter characters are given new names. Examples include Hermione now being B'loody Mary, Ron being Diabolo, "Navel" becoming "Dracola" and Harry becoming Vampire.
  • A Day in the Limelight: Chapter 37 attempts to switch to Draco's point of view, but after 10 lines it's mentioned that "Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room", which makes no sense no matter which way you look at it. Afterwards, the POV apparently switches back to Enoby.
  • Disproportionate Retribution: "Samoro" responds when "Lucian" messes up during a performance of their band by attempting to shoot off his arm.
  • Don't Explain the Joke: There is precisely one instance of a pun not being pointed out. Even if it had been pointed out, it would still have been the only good pun in the entire story. One of the worst cases of her pointing something out occurs when she intentionally uses "bitca" instead of "bitch" in reference to a rather obscure line in the Season 2 opener of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Tara's comment on this otherwise brilliant Shout-Out?
    "bufy rox!111"
  • Don't Like? Don't Read!: The author's notes mostly consist of Tara yelling various insults as the "preps" who criticize the story, telling them to stop flaming and to not read the story if they don't like it.
  • Draco in Leather Pants: Invoked literally. Draco in this fic's universe is a hot, emo bad boy whom Ebony dates and regularly has sex with; he's fully lacking his canon flaws.
  • Dramatic Ellipsis: "It was... ... ... ... ... (CHARACTER)!" is used more than a few times. Used all the time before "sex" scenes as well. "And then..........we started frenching passively", or some variation thereof, appears about 50 times in the fic.
  • Deus ex Machina: There are several examples of both sudden appearances of characters who save the day and absurdly convenient things happening that get hand waived away as perfectly normal occurrences.
    • Dumbledore's appearance at the MCR concert to save the day.
    • Ebony gets shot by James (Samaro) and survives. The reason for her survival is explained by Serious (Sirius). "Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time."
    • Dumbledore's iPod turning into a time machine. Which Ebony just happens to need.
  • Dramatic Thunder: Shows up conveniently for dramatic effect.
    "I knew who thou were all along." he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. "Now I shall kill thee all!!!!!!" Thunder came in da room.
  • Driven to Suicide: Draco. Of course, after being found in his room, dead, he promptly reappears in the story and nobody so much as comments on it. Admittedly, it's possible that Tara was trying to imply that Voldemort had kidnapped him and put a fake corpse in Drako's room, or something.
  • Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette: Many of the characters, including Ebony, Willow, Vampire, and B'loody Mary, have dark hair and pale skin — and they are also strange and creepy. While that's true of the goths as one might expect, it also holds true for some of the preps for reasons unknown.
  • Emo Teen: While Tara, Ebony, and their friends are referred to as "goths," they actually better fit the stereotypical description of turn-of-the-millennium emo kids — whiny, angst-ridden, and self-important.
  • Fantastic Racism: Draco mostly averts a prejudiced world view, but at one point calls Ebony a "fucking poser muggle bitch" in an attempt by the author to prove that he's still in character.
  • Favors for the Sexy: The salesman in one of the punkgoff stores decides to give Ebony a dress for free because she looks seductive in it.
    Salesman: You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit.
  • Flanderization: The Out of Character characterization and writing style get unbelievably worse with each passing chapter, most notably after the time travel segment. Of course, this only applies if you take the viewpoint that the author is, in fact, an internet troll. The first few chapters were supposedly done with Raven proofreading it, which explains why they're easier to understand than the rest.
  • Freudian Excuse: Volxemort's evil behavior is "explained" as being rooted in the aftermath of a love relationship gone sour. In Professor Trevolry (or Professor Sinister's) own words, "When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?"
  • Freudian Slip:
    • There is at least one instance of the author referring to Sirius as "Sodomize" and Cornelius Fudge as "Cornelio Fuck".
    • An apparent case of Mister Seahorse: "Vampire" attacks Lupin and Snape by "pointing his womb".
  • Full-Name Ultimatum: The one that many readers seem to remember occurs when Ebony confronts Vampire by a first-and-last-name combo.
  • Funetik Aksent: The author lapses out of using dialogue that depicts speech peculiarities at times. Most famously, the word "goffik".
  • Gratuitous Japanese: Employed by Professor Sinister and to a lesser extent Ebony. What makes the use of this especially strange is that nowhere in the fic does any character show a liking for anime, J-pop, or anything else pertaining to Japanese culture.
    • Ebony likes the word "kawaii", using it incorrectly on almost every occasion: kawaii (pronounced 'kawa-ee', not 'kah-why') doesn't map exactly to the English word 'cute'; rather, 'kawaii' describes the concept of cuteness, and carries with it overtones of innocence, youthfulness and childhood. It's essentially the concept of looking like/behaving like a child. However, the 'kah-why' pronunciation does give you a similar word, kowai, which means scary or creepy. The 'Kawai' misspelling gives you a make of piano.
    • The use of "Hajimemashite". On one occasion, Enoby meets up with one of her friends, and the other character says "Hajimemashite, gurl!". 'Hajimemashite' is what you say to someone upon first meeting them, not something you would say to a friend.
  • Hero Antagonist: Applies to Dumbledore (or whatever the hell his name is at the moment), at times bordering on being an example of Hardy Boys Investigation. Ebony and friends basically do nothing except whine while Dumbledore flies in to save them every time things get out of hand. And the "goffs" still hate him for no reason.
  • Hormone-Addled Teenager: All the teen "goffs" are promiscuous, pretty much having sex with whoever strikes their fancy at the moment.
  • Hurricane of Puns: A ton of really bad puns get used throughout, each one with an author's note pointing it out.
  • Hypocrite:
    • The author repeatedly interrupts the story to ramble about how "hott" gay men are, then insults her flamers by calling them "gay fags".
    • After Evony finds out that Draco has slept with Vampire, she thinks he must have AIDs, despite the fact that she drinks human blood with her cereal.
  • IKEA Erotica: Some of the sex scene descriptions are clinically mechanical to a fault. An especially notable example: "He put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."
  • I Know You Know I Know: This example of dialogue is a paragon of paranoid circular overthinking.
    I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn't want him2 know I knew.
  • I Love the Dead: "Loopin" is allegedly a "necphilak".
  • Informed Attribute: It's mentioned a couple of times that Ebony is bisexual (such as Draco narrating "I'm bi and so is Ebony") but she never shows any sexual interest in women during the story.
  • In Name Only: This is not a Harry Potter fanfiction. This is an original story with characters named after those in the Harry Potter series. Said characters immediately proceed to change their names to something else, at which point it stops being a Harry Potter fanfic even in name.
  • In-Series Nickname: Several characters are given "goffic" nicknames. Harry is "Vampire", Hermione is "B'loody Mary", Ron is "Diabolo", Neville is "Dracola", etc.
  • Invisibility Cloak: Vampire's black cloak is the worst invisibility cloak ever, since apparently people can see it while in use. From Chapter 21:
    He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.
    "EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded.
  • Ironic Hell: Chapter 39 is a hacked-in, hijacked fix-it attempt by another writer to terminate the story and right the great wrongs the main author has unleashed so far. As part of this, Ebony is sent to Hell and forced to wear "prep" style clothing for eternity — and when she tries to remove said clothing, another example appears underneath it ad nauseum.
    For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag. Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister. Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.
  • Kudzu Plot: Well, if it had a plot...
  • Large Ham: Way too many examples to name. Characters constantly deliver lines in a histrionic, overly dramatic fashion loaded with Obligatory Swearing.
  • Light Is Not Good: The preps are all obsessed with pink and other lively colours, and these characters range from mere annoyances to jerkasses.
  • Logic Bomb: At one point the main characters "talked to each other in silence," which is practically Zen.
  • Malaproper:
    • The most infamous of these has to be Loopin "masticating" while watching Enony. She later spells it "mastabating" with an author's note pointing out that she spelled it right this time!
    • The author serially misspeaks, fracturing the English language left and right. Presumably she or Raven just let their spellchecker make its best guesses and never looked back.
      I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco
  • Meaningful Name: The "Raven" part of Ebony's name refers to the author's friend, Raven. After she stops being friends with Raven, she changes Ebony's name to "Ebony Darkness Dementia TARA Way". Then, she reverts it later on.
  • Mexican Standoff: In the last chapter, Harry, Diablo, Navel, and Voldimort pull out guns and aim them at each other, all holding their adversaries at a disadvantage while gaining no real leverage for themselves. Ebony points this out, though she accidentally calls it a "Latin standoff".
  • Mister Seahorse: Assuming it's not yet again another typo, it would appear that the supposedly male character Vampire is hermaphroditic.
    “ABRA KEDAVRA!” Vampire yelled pointing his womb.
  • Modern AU Fic: The story is set in the early 2000s, not in the 1990s of the book series. This is most clearly shown by the copious references to pop culture from that later time period, such as Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance.
  • Mood-Swinger: Ebony's emotional fluctuations are so extreme that the reader may reasonably suspect she’s bipolar. Draco also has a mood swing at one point.
  • Morton's Fork: As mentioned, if you live in Tara Land, you can either try to be goffic, in which case you're a poser and you suck, or not, in which case you're a prep and you suck. Without being a legit goff, Tom Rid won't give you the "real" goffic clothes. But you can't be a "real" goff without them, so you can't get the "real" goffic clothes unless you already have them. Oh, and you're not considered a true goff unless you know all goffic knowledge, but if you didn't have said information at some point, then you're a poser. Wait, what? Are you just supposed to be born knowing the lyrics to MCR songs? How did Ebony and friends become legit goffs anyway? We're told the Harry Potter characters the author likes became goffic, which means they must have been preps before (since all non-goffs are "preps" in Tara Land), so how did they get the clothes and why weren't they considered posers for having to be told about MCR? It seems to be that you can become a "real goff" if you're suicidally depressed and/or have suffered horrible traumas, as Draco "used to want to commit suicide all the time", Vampire Potter has "gone through horrible problems", B'loody Mary is traumatised by the loss of her real parents, and Jenny and Diabolo's dad "raped them and stuff".
  • Mundane Made Awesome: The author describes getting dressed with as much care and attention to detail (by her standards, anyway) as other writers describe epic battle sequences.
  • My Girl Is Not a Slut: One of the excessive number of author notes pretty much says this word for word.note  In spite of the author's claims, Ebony really is a slut, what with her randomly screwing "Vampire" Potter in the middle of a crowd, even though she hated him, for no real reason.
  • Negative Continuity: The story lacks even the most rudimentary sense of cohesion. For example, characters disappear and reappear inexplicably (some coming back from the dead) and are inconsistently portrayed, frequently appearing Out of Character.
  • Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: According to the LRM dramatic reading, all Slytherins manage to combine a welter of improbably wide-ranging personal characteristics, given that they're apparently "Goffik bi Satanist Slytherin magic users".
  • No Ending: The author's account was hacked into twice. The first put up a parody Death Fic as chapter 39 where Ebony dies and canon and sanity are restored. The second attempt locked her out completely, meaning that the story abruptly ends when Ebony is about to kill Voldemort.
  • Obligatory Swearing: This fanfic revels in spicing up the characters' canonic suitable-for-all-ages dialogue with gratuitous swearing, especially Cluster F-Bombs, to achieve an ultra-cool Darker and Edgier effect.
  • An Offer You Can't Refuse: Voldemort tells Ebony that if she doesn't kill Vampire, she and Draco will die. He never really follows up on that.
    Voldemort: If thou doth not kill him, then I shall kill him anyways!
  • Oh, My Gods!: "Oh my Satan" is used a number of times by the Satanist characters.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: Vampirism seems to be relatively meaningless here. Apparently they can be killed by a cross (a word which Enoby even refuses to say, except when she doesn't) or by a steak (so they should avoid restaurants and butcher's shops).
  • Out of Character: Applies to almost every canon character in the story, with heroes like Harry Potter and Hermione Granger cast as villains and Draco Malfoy depicted as a good guy. Ironically, averted with McGonagall, who appears once to yell at Ebony and Draco for having sex.
  • Overly Long Name: The main charcater's name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.
  • Pair the Suitors: Inverted. Vampire and Draco used to be a couple, but broke up and are now both in love with Ebony.
  • The Peeping Tom: Ebony is spied on through a window by Snap and Loopin, the former filming her while the latter "masticates."
    Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.
  • Plot Hole: Scads and scads of examples. Several story ideas are dropped and not taken up again, and characters do things for puzzling and often Out of Character reasons. Characters even die and reappear without explanation. The fic makes Swiss cheese look airtight.
  • Point of View: The story is primarily told in first-person, but very briefly switches to second-person in Chapter 37.
  • Power Perversion Potential: Broomsticks are used as a Peeping Tom platform for Snap and Loopin to spy on Ebony.
  • Present-Day Past: Made even worse by author's notes talking about it. The author's friend Raven provides the page quote. Hilariously, the story was started in 2006 and the references are already becoming dated. For example, Ebony's mention that Joel Madden is dating Hilary Duff (they broke up a few months after that was written, and Madden now has two children with Nicole Richie, whom he met after Duff).
  • Psychic Powers:
    • Ebony and Harry's both having precognition abilities. Guess whose power is stronger.
    • Voldemort knowing about Ebony and Draco's relationship thanks to "telekinesis."
    • Whatever allowed Enoby and B'loody Mary to talk to each other in silence whilst watching Das niteMARE b4 xmas.
  • Punctuation Shaker: Extraneous apostrophes are sprinkled throughout in a misguided attempt to add edginess and splash. Notably applies to the names Ebony Dark'ness and B'loody Mary, for starters.
  • Random Events Plot: There's no rhyme or reason as to why anything happens in this story — no logical unfolding of events, no significant feel of cause and effect — in fact, no proper plot. One could just as easily write the scene summaries on slips of paper, toss them into the air, and pick them up in random order and it would make just about as much sense as the original.
  • Rape as Backstory: The fic manages to combine rape and dead parents in a typically off-hand manner.
    It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.
  • Real Life Writes the Plot: The single chapter rename of the main character and expulsion of "Willow" was due to some falling out between the author and Raven in real life.
  • Recycled Script: At least two sections are repeated almost verbatim:
    • In chapter 11, Ebony is spied on by Snape and Loopin, then Hargrid announces he loves her. At the start of the next chapter, Ebony is ready to kill herself with a knife Draco gave her, when Vampire Potter screams in agony and reveals that he saw in a vision Draco in Volfemort's bondage. The scene then breaks off and we return to Ebony hospitalized in the school nurse's "office", where she is visited by Hargrid. At the end of the same chapter, Vampire and Ebony's scene occurs again, this time without the mention about the knife.
    • At the end of chapter 15, a MCR concert is announced to happen at Hogsmeade. At the start of chapter 16, Ebony narrates that she and Draco went to the concert, when Gerard and his band unmasked themselves to show their true faces: Voldemort and the Death Dealers. However, in the next paragraph, Ebony declines Draco's invitation. Later on, the scene of the band's unmasking at the concert is described again, at the "climax" of chapter 17, when Dumbledore comes to rescue Ebony and the gang.
  • Retcon: The story continually reframes past events to serve a current plot need, as in this example: Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now, not Griffindoor. )
  • Ron the Death Eater: invoked In the series, Lupin ("Loopin") is apparently a pedophile, is helping Voldemort for some reason, and enjoys chewing on things. Also happens to Dumbledore, despite the fact that he does nothing evil.
  • Rouge Angles of Satin: Is freakin' made of this trope, given that bizarre misspellings are the norm here. This includes the main character's name, misspelt half the time as "Enoby".
  • Sadistic Choice: As mentioned, the plot hinges primarily on Voldemort giving Ebony the choice between her killing Vampire or him killing both Vampire and Draco (no effort is made to explain why he's bothering to do it this way). There's also the sequence in Chapter 30 when Snap, having taken Ebony, Draco and Vampire captive, shows Ebony the "Dork Mark on his you-know-wut" and threatens to "rap Draco!1" if Ebony doesn't stab Vrompire (Ebony's agonising over the decision primarily revolves around which of them is the more "smexy"). Neither of these are followed up on.
  • Said Bookism: Nearly every exchange of dialogue involves one of these, ranging from the basic "said [adverb]" to "Lupin slurped as he sat in chains." "Shouted angrily" shows up a lot, too.
  • "Scooby-Doo" Hoax: Subverted in that the chosen disguise wasn't intended to scare people away. Voldemort and the 'death dealers' attempt a method of espionage which involves disguising themselves as My Chemical Romance — not with polyjuice potion, as one might suspect, but with wearable costumes and masks. Basically, Voldemort dons a Gerard Way face mask and steals his clothes. And of course, it fools everyone.
  • Screw the Rules, I'm Beautiful!: Ebony not surprisingly thinks her alleged physical attractiveness gives her carte blanche to do as she pleases, although she's only "beautiful" by the standards of this 'verse.
  • Second-Person Narration: The story briefly dips into this in chapter 37, then switches back to first person. This sentence is especially noteworthy: "You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes."
  • Self-Harm: Ebony and her friends slit their wrists when they're unhappy about something — which is apparently a frequent occurrence.
  • Serious Business: The "preps" vs. "goffs" conflict seems to be equal to — nay synonymous with — that canonical good vs. evil thing.
  • Shaped Like Itself: A character wearing black clothes is stated to not have a nose, "basically like Voldemort in the movie". The character in question is Voldemort.
  • Shout-Out:
    • Buffy the Vampire Slayer is directly referenced when Enoby calls someone a "son of a bitca" and then adds an author's note reading "buffy rox".
    • In chapter 41, Enoby claims that she needs the tim toners in order to go through time.
  • Sidekick: Ebony occasionally has Willow or B'loody Mary as their allied friend and helper; like Ebony herself, however, they pretty much never get anything useful done.
  • Slow Clap: When Ebony and Draco make up in Biology class during Chaoter 15, the rest of the class applauds as they leave despite Lupin trying to scold them for not asking.
  • Snow Means Love: Ebony and Draco first spoke when it was snowing. Most likely just a coincidence.
  • So Beautiful, It's a Curse: Ebony, of course, considers her (supposed) attractiveness to be a burden to be lived with reluctantly.
    "Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here?...Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!"
  • Spiritual Antithesis: Thirty Hs, which uses heavy metal, anarchy, a presumably-high-off-his-ass Dumbledore, and random Satanic murder... in a completely opposite direction.
  • Stealth Parody: Many readers assume the story is satirical, not wanting to accept that the author may have written this seriously. Unfortunately, a frighteningly-accurate parody of truly execrable fan fic can be hard to distinguish from a truly execrable fan fic.
  • Tag Team Suicide: Narrowly averted when Ebony and Draco decide not to go through with successive suicide temptations.
  • Take That!:
  • Tears of Blood: The "goffs" weep blood instead of tears when they cry.
  • Textual Celebrity Resemblance: Ebony opens the fic by describing herself as looking like Amy Lee.
  • That Came Out Wrong: "Draco and I came. It was.......Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!" .....Okay, either the reveal was really exciting (it wasn't) or those two really need to stop having sex at the first chance. It's seriously getting out of hand. Too bad she didn't learn the first time she did it and kept on using "X came" lines. Her spelling doesn't help:
    Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts.
    "Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"
  • That Makes Me Feel Angry: The story gleefully violates the Show, Don't Tell ideal of fiction on several occasions.
    Ebony/Tara: I was so mad and sad.
  • There Are No Therapists: The only way of dealing with life-changing trauma in the MIverse is to become goffik and/or commit suicide. Getting a psychiatric attitude adjustment apparently doesn't enter into the realm of possibility.
  • Time-Travel Romance: Beginning with Chapter 27, Ebony is tasked with seducing Voldemort before he became Voldemort. She dresses in a sexy gothic outfit and goes with Tom Rid to the movies, where they make out in their seats. Ebony is presumably from the 2000s (since the fic was originaly published between 2006-2007), and the time travel segment, per the author's notes, happens in the 1980s.
  • Timey-Wimey Ball: At the point where Ebony goes back in time, the fanfic loses anything resembling coherence. Not that it had much to begin with, mind you...
  • Trademark Favourite Food: Evony's go-to morning repast is Count Chocula prepared with blood instead of milk.
  • Troll Fic: Possibly. Several people (someone named TheBatMan for example said it was his work) have claimed that this fic was deliberately written badly — and several readers believe this story was purposely created to offend devoted Harry Potter fans.
  • Two-Teacher School: Only three teachers from the original Harry Potter series (not including Dumbledore) make an appearance: Lupin, McGonagall, and Snape.
  • Unabashed B-Movie Fan: One of Ebony's favourite films is apparently the infamous Shark Attack 3, a film almost as lovably idiotic as the fic she stars in. Needless to say, this is in keeping with the inconsistency of her supposed personal culture: Shark Attack 3 does not have even the remotest connection to "goffickness".
  • Undead Tax Exemption: After Ebony goes back in time, she declares that she's a new student and that she's in Slytherin. No one questions this.
  • Unexplained Recovery:
    • Draco commits suicide at the end of Chapter 10. No, he does not attempt suicide, he commits it, and is found dead. This is never mentioned again — and in fact, he simply reappears with no explanation four chapters later.
    • Ebony shoots Snape and Lupin several times with the gun Voldemort gave her. Although they're later sent to St. Mangos hospital (supposedly for being paedophiles, however), Lupin is back to teaching Ebony's biology class a few chapters later.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: Apparently, vampires can't even write the word cross. They sometimes not only forget this but wear cross earrings. To top things off, they're also vulnerable to steak.
  • Weirdness Search and Rescue: Ebony briefly ends up trapped in the past until Marty McFly turns up to rescue her.
  • What Happened to the Mouse?:
    • Dobby makes a tiny cameo and never appears again.
    • Professor McGoogle's last appearance is rather early as well.
  • Why Don't Ya Just Shoot Him?: In chapter 23, Voldemort confronts Ebony, Vampire, and Draco. Voldemort tells Ebony that she has failed her mission and that now he will kill her and Vampire. Ebony says "Plz don't make me kill him plz!". Voldemort's response is to threaten to kill them again, then flee. Really, Voldemort could have just killed Ebony, Draco, and Vampire. Why would Ebony saying no prevent him from killing them all on the spot?
  • Writer on Board: The writer gleefully takes wholesale characterization liberties in order to support the assumptions that "goffs" are cool and "preps" stink. As a result, none of the folks from the Harry Potter universe bear the faintest resemblance to canon.
  • Xtreme Kool Letterz: Almost every sentence contains text speak or Letters 2 Numbers along with typos and grammatical errors.
  • Yaoi Fangirl: The author interrupts the narrative several times to mention how hot gay/bi men are. Oddly, she insults her reviewers by calling them "gay fags" in the author's notes. And after Evony finds out that Draco has slept with Vampire, she thinks he must have AIDs!
  • Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: Voldemort speaks in fake old-fashioned Shakespearean-style English. Nobody really knows why.