Officially, it's just titled "legolas", but this legendary badfic has become inextricably linked with its author in the minds of The Lord of the Rings fandom, with good reason, and it is now generally known as "legolas by laura", complete with lack of capitalisation.
The story begins with Legolas riding through the woods and finding a baby "whaped" in "colth". Thanks to Suvian influence, he picks her up, names her "laura", and goes to his house to show her to his father and mother. They then adopt her.
Ten years later, laura asks Legolas to teach her how to ride a horse. He agrees. Soon after, Aragorn and Gandalf visit Mirkwood. Despite it being ten years since Legolas adopted laura, they don't know about laura. Sauron plans to kidnap her for no reason at all.
Legolas and laura "horseride" through the forest and meet Aragorn and Gandalf. Legolas introduces laura to them. Later, they go back to Legolas's "castle". Legolas asks Aragorn and Gandalf if they can stay. They say yes.
After having tea, they go to bed, and a random bunch of Orcs capture laura. The guards do nothing, and laura is taken to "Mondor". There, Sauron tells the Orcs to throw laura in a cell and do whatever they want with her as long as they don't kill her. The orcs "stripe" her and rape her, but laura fends them off by saying, "go away you bastard". Because of that, they "whipe" her and "bet" her almost to death. Then, Sauron goes into the room with a bottle of "posion", which he "injets" into her.
A few hours later, Legolas, Gandalf, and Aragorn get to the front gates of "Mondor". After an inept shouting match, Legolas climbs up to the cell, while Aragorn and Gandalf "run" into "Mondor". There, Gandalf has a duel with Sauron despite the huge power disparity between them.
Meanwhile, Legolas frees laura and kills the Orcs. Aragorn appears. In Sauron's Throne Room (presumably), Gandalf is having a "fun" time trying to kill the Dark Lord and wishes that the Hobbits were there. They then appear. Frodo tells Sauron that he got rid of the Ring, and the Dark Lord is destroyed by Gandalf.
A few more hours pass, and Legolas and laura are on their way back to "Milkwood". She gets sick (due to the "posion"), and Legolas diverts the party to Rivendell, also a few hours away from "Milkwood".
There, Legolas stands by laura's side until she wakes up. When she does, he kisses her, and she asks him if he wants to be her boyfriend. He says yes even though he's supposed to be her adoptive brother and laura is ten years old. They discuss their terrible experiences, and Aragorn enters the room. The story ends there mid-sentence, never to be resumed.
The story can be found here, courtesy of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. TV Tropes will take no responsibility for brain damage suffered should you choose to read it.note The dramatic readings may help to soften the blow. There is also a review done by The FanFiction Critic for it, which might help more. And now a live-action trailer, complete with My Chemical Romance and a baffling shoutout to MegaTokyo. God help us all. There's also a riffing found here and a PPC mission here. Finally, a short film combined with dramatic reading can be watched here.
This fanfic provides examples of:
- Aerith and Bob: This girl's name is "Laura". In Middle-Earth. The author's name also seems to be Laura. My oh my...
- all lowercase letters: The title is written without capitalisation.
- Ambiguously Human: Laura's species is left ambiguous, but she's probably a human: if she's an elf, she'd have looked about three, and if she was a dwarf or hobbit, she'd be short.
- Anachronism Stew: It's implied that "the dark lord" has access to hypodermic needles... in the medieval-level Middle-Earth.
- Animate Inanimate Object: A sword talks at one point.
- Artistic License Geography: An unusual example, since this is a case of somebody giving an incorrect portrayal of fictional geography. Mirkwood is not five minutes' walk away from Mordor, and Rivendell is on the opposite side of Mirkwood behind a mountain range. Then again, as far as we know, "Mondor" might be quite close to "Milkwood".
- In fact, the Middle-Earth geography fails were so bad that when the PPC killed it, they didn't send the Department of Mary Sues, they sent the Department of Geographical Aberrations.
- Bilingual Bonus: "Laure" actually is a Noldorin word, meaning "golden". However, it's unlikely the author knew this unless it really is a Stealth Parody, and Legolas is a Sindarin elf and wouldn't use the Noldorin language.
- Black Comedy Rape: Unintentionally. One of the orcs rapes Laura and it's meant to be serious, but considering that the fanfic is so badly written, it comes off as an unintentional dark joke.
- "Blind Idiot" Translation: It isn't one because it was originally written in English, but it really does read as if it was. "Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the dark lord"?
- BrotherSister Incest: Legolas and Laura. She's his adoptive sister but asks him to be her boyfriend and he agrees.
- Card-Carrying Villain: The Orcs refer to themselves as "us all the bad guys".
- Cold-Blooded Torture: Laura was 'bet' up, raped, and then given "posion", and Legolas claims the same thing happened to him.
- Comforting Comforter: Strider takes off his cape and puts it around Laura after she is rescued from the orcs.
- Dead Fic: It never got finished.
- Department of Redundancy Department: Legolas explains to Laura exactly how the orcs tortured her, twice, even though Laura was obviously there at the time.
- Deus ex Machina: During Gandalf's fight with Sauron, Frodo randomly appears and says he destroyed the One Ring. This somehow makes Sauron die.
- Distressed Damsel: Laura. She is kidnapped by orcs, beaten, poisoned, and raped and she must be rescued.
- The Dragon: The Boss of the Orcs is the Dark Lord (presumably Sauron)'s right-hand man... um, orc.
- Dramatic Reading: Lots of them. It's really short, so can usually fit in a single YouTube video. The most popular one is by YouTuber manwithoutabody (now mutantmuseum) with a video to go with it here. Before that, the best-known reading was the so-called Sugar High Version, preserved here.
- Dull Surprise: Laura seems remarkably calm about being abducted and tortured by orcs, and her friends seem remarkably calm about her condition when they find her.
- Emotionless Girl: Despite crying as a baby and screaming as she's being taken away, Laura seems pretty emotionless, even when she's being tortured.
- Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": The Dark Lord and the Boss of the Orcs are never referred to by name.
- Gratuitous Rape: After Laura gets captured, one of the orcs decides to rape her... for some reason.
- The Guards Must Be Crazy: Or should that be "The Gards Must Be Crazy"? They completely fail to stop laura from being kidnapped, and barely even react to it.
- Indecisive Parody: According to the God Awful FanFiction board, "Laura" confessed on one occasion to being a troll, but on another occasion tried to pass her poor writing off as being the result of learning difficulties.
- Informed Ability: Laura's "power" with which "she can distoy us all the bad guys" is never actually used or defined more clearly.
- Injured Limb Episode: The orcs' beating breaks Laura's left arm.
- I Want Them Alive: The Dark Lord gives his orcs permission to do whatever they want to Laura, with one exception: he explicitly forbids them from killing her.
- Kidnapped While Sleeping: Laura is taken by Orcs in her sleep.
- Little "No": "And then they said: 'Let Laura go!' And then the Dark Lord said 'no'."
- Major Injury Underreaction: Laura's only reaction to being whipped, raped, beaten, poisoned, and having her left arm broken is to say, "go away you bastard".
- MayflyDecember Romance: Implied with Legolas agreeing to be Laura's boyfriend. Legolas is an elf, who can live for millenia, and Laura is implied to be a human.
- Mythology Gag: Apparently in this case one does simply walk into Mordor.
- Neologism: "... and then Legolas was happy for somerising."
- New Powers as the Plot Demands: Gandalf now has the power to teleport Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin from the Shire to Mordor simply by wishing it, even though if he could do that in canon the books would have been significantly shorter. Laura's power with which she "can distoy us all the bad guys" would count if she ever actually used it.
- No Ending: The story literally ends in mid-sentence.
- No Punctuation Period: The first sentence is 87 words long.
- Not Blood Siblings: Legolas kisses Laura and agrees to be her boyfriend even though he's supposed to be her adoptive father/brother/something.
- Oh, Crap!: Sauron has this reaction when Frodo says the One Ring has been destroyed. Namely, he lets himself be destroyed by Gandalf.
- Original Character: Laura is not a canon character.
- Out of Character: EVERYONE.
- Legolas wouldn't keep a baby he found in the woods before searching for the parents. He also wouldn't agree to be his ten-or-eleven-year-old adopted sister's boyfriend.
- Gandalf wouldn't enjoy fighting.
- Even the villains are a bit out of character what with being strangely selective in kidnapping the princess but not the prince.
- Police are Useless: The "gards" assigned to protect laura do absolutely nothing to prevent the Orcs kidnapping her.
- Rape as Backstory: Legolas tells Laura that he was also raped and tortured by orcs when he was a youth.
- Rape as Drama: It attempted this by having one of the orcs rape Laura, but it failed due to the fanfic being badly written in general and therefore hard to take seriously.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: Typos are constant, almost on the same level as My Immortal.
- Said Bookism: Averted. Every line of dialogue is announced with "said".
- Shameful Strip: One of the orcs forcibly strips Laura. This is an impressive feat, since she's chained up at the time.
- That Makes Me Feel Angry: "Legolas said'i am soo happy'".
- War Has Never Been So Much Fun: Gandalf was supposedly "have a fun time trying to distory the dark lord".
- Wham Line:Legolas: they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posionLaura: how did you know thatLegolas: when I was your age they did the same thing to me
- This fic being... this fic, it's never mentioned again.
- Wife Husbandry: Legolas finds Laura abandoned in the woods as a baby, and arranges to have her raised in his own household. By the end of the story, they're now a couple.