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Funny / My Immortal

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The Story Itself

  • Draco stops the flying car. No mention is made of him landing it first. Both characters get out and walk around.
  • Dumbledore's first appearance:
    It was...........Dumbledore!
  • Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching! Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guys do it) but both of them were fuking preps.
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  • “Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11” said Hermoine.
  • I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.
  • "STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.
  • "I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"
  • This random example of Gratuitous Japanese
    "Hey bitch you look kawaii."
    "Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.
    • It's even funnier when you consider this exchange happens exactly a chapter after Willow gets expelled and murdered by B'loody Mary, then has her corpse raped by Loopin because Tara had a fallout with Raven. Which makes this come off as Tara desperately sucking up to Raven in hopes she will come back to edit her fic again.
  • "The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!" Snape ejaculated menacingly. "You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.
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  • "Volfemort has him bondage!" (Repeated twice in the same chapter as exposition.)
  • "You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"
  • "Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.
    • The very fact that 85% of the work is spelled wrong (if we're being generous), but she had managed to spell "Alzheimer's" correctly is befuddling.
  • "CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily.
  • "Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape."
  • "Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.
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  • "OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry.
  • A chapter after Loopin "masticates" outside of Enoby's window, Tara took a second stab at it: "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.
  • "Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. The webcomic adaptation actually shows Vampire pregnant with an Abra.
  • "Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether.
  • I smelled happily.
  • "Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.
  • "No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." said Profesor Trevolry.
  • Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash.
  • Navel had converted to Stanism.
  • "Rid my sight you despicable preps!"
  • "Ebonyiloveyouwiluhavesexwithme"
  • Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! "U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don’t then I'll rap Draco!1"
  • Then......... I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone.
  • If one ever wants to keep up the Stallone jokes: "Ever since my First Blood, I've always wanted his Rocky inside me. He began to Tango my Cash sexily..."
  • "No one fucking understands me!1" henote  shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz.
  • I laffed statistically.
  • We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was........................................ Cornelio Fuck!11111
  • "OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111" I screamed loudly.
  • The sheer WTF-ness of Hedwig making out with Voldemort. Granted, Hedwignote  is the name of a person in this fic, but just the fact that this is conceivable is absurd.
    "Oh my fucking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!" screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort's.
  • then suddenlyn................... the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly."
  • Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard).
  • "'Crucious!!!!!!!!!1' I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.
  • Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly... Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.
  • "OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go.
  • "I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!!!" screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.
  • Suddenly..............."HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted. I looked around................Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.
  • "STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. Now do ur work!"
  • Gerard Way being described as having an "amazing ethnic voice" and "piercing blue eyes".note 
  • "No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then........................ he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle"
  • "ORLY." I ESKED.
  • "Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was...... Voldemort!"
  • Voldemort wears high-heels. They loudly clack as he walks. Work it, Voldy!
  • "Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!"
  • "BECAUSE...BECAUSE...." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.
  • Ebony eats Count Chocula for breakfast as a sign of how "goffic" she is. True, she eats it with blood rather than milk, but that's even funnier.
  • "Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked"
  • Snoop "garbing the caramel and putting it in his pocket".
  • He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation. “I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.
  • The line "Loopin slurped as he sat in his chains."
  • I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.
  • "You ludacris fools!" he shouted.
  • He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.
  • He put his boys thingy in mine.
  • Anything Britney does. Seriously.
  • "Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." said James.
  • "I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back. Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”
  • We hugged each udder happily.
  • Voldemort gave me a gun.
  • Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.
  • "I hath telekinesis."
  • Black leather platinum boots.
  • He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.
  • We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den.......I gasped............. Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111
  • Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!
  • Suddenly................ a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!!!!!!!11
  • What Hogwarts students do in advanced biology classes... I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!
  • 'Kawai.' I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.
  • MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Rumbridge shouted angrily.
  • Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
  • “Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.note  Followed by Ebony starting to laugh at Voldemort but then feeling bad "even though [she's] a sadist".
  • Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. Den... we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz.
  • In the repost, during chapter 15, the line "Ebonyiloveyouwiluhavesexwithme" was probably omitted by accident, resulting in this little gem:
    "Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)
  • A comic is currently in the works on YouTube that just makes the story even more hilarious with the visuals.
  • Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?”
  • "Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). "U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!"
  • Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).
  • From Hermione and Ebony's discussion of Willow: B'loody Mary suddenly mentions that "after Willow got expelled I murdered her and then Loopin did it with her cos he's a necphilak". What's funny about this? The fact Hermione seemed to consider it more important that Willow got expelled than that she killed her (and Lupin's actions). Because that's one of the few moments in the fic where Hermione seems in-character. ("Before either of you two think of another clever plan to get us both killed—or worse, expelled.") And Ebony's only reaction to this is "Kawai."
  • "The Mystery Of Magic". That is all.
    • "St. Mangos". That is also all.
  • "This Cannot Be!." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." "YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.
  • Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. “Why didn't you fucking tell me!” he shouted.
  • "U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" I shouted despariedrly."
  • The sex scene between Ebony, Draco, Vampire, and Satan qualifies.
    I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. And then... I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. "Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists
  • "I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attack 3 and Saw II and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent."
  • Ebony jumping in front of a bullet "sexily". How one does that is anyone's guess.
  • "I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued."
  • He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.
  • Let's not forget all the things Enoby does "passively." Even better? She probably meant "passionately" which... is pretty much the exact opposite.
  • Just the fact that Marty McFlynote  is a plot important character in "My Immortal" is more than enough reason to read it. And HE'S been made "goffik", no less!
    I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1
  • "Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly."
  • Vampires being vulnerable to steak, to the point that Enoby contemplates killing herself with one... that she keeps in her room.
  • The weird juxtapositions that the events in the chapters can go. Take Bloody Gothic Rose 666's rehearsal, which is interrupted by (in order): Ebony crying about her meeting with Voldemort and telling B'loody Mary about his threat, an eavesdropping Draco jumping over a wall ala Le Parkour and scolding her for not telling him, the two of them crying until Draco runs out of the room, the band rehearsal continuing, and Dumbledore arriving to tell Ebony that Draco's dead.
  • Ladies and gentlemen, the one genuinely funny pun in the entire fic.
    He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him.
  • This bit of (probably) Accidental Innuendo:
    "WTF where'd Draco?" I asked [Vampire]. "Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"
  • 'Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they had recovered because they were pedophiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.'
  • Ebony's 'blak stilton bo-ots'.
  • Whatever "My head snaped up" means.

Author's Notes

  • "if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!"
  • "get it cuz (enter pun explanation here)"
  • "ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1" Tara seems to miss the point that those reviews were mostly flames.
  • (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)
  • AN: I sed stup flamming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
  • "soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists"
  • 'if ur a homophone den fuk of!'
  • Just the fact that, even as batshit-insane this story is, the author somehow manages to predict one of the biggest plot twists of the canon series years before it was revealed. (Spoilers ahead, obviously) "nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!". The only real inaccuracies are that Voldemort did not die immediately, but merely became vulnerable, and that Harry got better. That said, she also predicts that Snape and Voldemort are the same person and that Harry and Draco will hook up.
  • Tara and her friend, who she always gives thanks to in the author's note, get in a fight at one point over clothing being borrowed and never returned. Tara responds by basically tossing her friend's OC under a bus and having the characters talk shit about her; Her friend does the exact same thing to Tara's OC in her own fanfic. The funniest part comes when they apparently get over their spat and the OC returns despite being kicked out of Hogwarts and then getting killed immediately afterwards.
  • Tara apparently has to defend Dumbledore's swearing all the time because the trolls reading keep getting offended, even if Dumbledore doesn't swear in the chapter she's writing her response.
  • "A sex-pack (geddit, cause he's so sexah)"

Dramatic Readings

  • Anytime during a Dramatic Reading when the reader(s) are unable to contain their laughter. Which will probably be frequently.
  • Cry and Friends' reading. Some of the highlights:
    • The impossibly slow Snape voice.
    • Since the main character is barely described (at least, not as much as her clothing), a couple of the readers confess that they were imagining one very heavyset goth.
    • "Wait... she used spraypaint on her hair?"
    "I'll just cut it. And then myself."
    • Misreading "Joel Madden" as "John Madden."
    • "'I'm not updating until I get five good... revoiws'?"
    "It's French. For 'terrible.'"
    • Their reactions to Voldemort in high heels. "It's the Rocky Horror Potter Show!"
    • "'Simple' on one cheek, 'Plan' on the other."
    • The entire cast starts corpsing at the part where Ebony cries "cool tears down my feces."
  • Manwithoutabody's reading, which also gives Ebony a whiny voice in addition to impersonating the movie characters' voices and making the author notes sound completely insane.
    • He also insistently pronouces the XXXXXXXXXXXX which Tara uses to separate her author's notes from the actual text phonetically, as 'CSS-CSS-CSS-CSS-CSS'.
    • Princes Of The Universe being used for the opening music, specifically the "I am immortal, no man can be my equal" part.
    • The reading even manages to turn Tara's spelling of "sexxy" into a Funny Moment.
    • As the writing deteriorates throughout the fic, he starts shouting all the number 1's that were intended as exclamation points.
  • Not from the fanfic, but ROFLPaul, Mango and Lionheart's (three Scottish guys) Dramatic Reading is hilarious.
    "I play teh gutter"... what does everyone else play, a drainpipe?
  • Sopranocath's readings are master works, but special mention goes to the voice her brother uses for Hagrid. The narrator can barely keep it together, and after a while, even the voice actor himself breaks down laughing.
  • szaleniec1000's dramatic reading, which comes with Visual Puns and some snarky captions.
  • TehPogo's Dramatic Reading series of the story, featuring a brilliant voice-over, hilariously ironic music for the "serious" parts, and ingenious editing skills. Leave the annotations on for added hilarity.
  • This dramatic reading where Enoby is always whining... no matter what she says.
  • This dramatic reading, which keeps track of every single time someone's clothes are described.
  • In this series of dramatic readings, there are a few hilarious parts:
    • With every description of clothes, words come up saying, "NOBODY CARES WHAT [SO-AND-SO] IS WEARING!" with the exception of one time, where it trails off and ends with "You get the idea" and for Harry/Vampire where it trails off and ends with "What have you done?!". The narrator also points out that Hogwarts is supposed to have a school uniform.
      Never get between a Mary Sue and her wardrobe.
    • The narrator points out that Hogwarts is in Scotland by indicating it on the map and writing "Not in England!". He also mentions that Ebony's Count Chocula must be imported as nobody sells it in the UK.
    • Ebony speaks with a high Simpleton Voice.
    • "So she woke up, grinned at you, THEN opened her eyes!?"
    • The flying car is drawn with bat wings.
    • The "thingie in you-know-what" line is illustrated with a person putting a block marked "thingie" into a toy marked "you-know-what". Similarly, when the phrase "a big you-know-what" is said, a picture of a monument is used, the first time labelled "you-know-what" and the second time labelled "I've done this joke already." The narrator also points out the fact that Ebony and Draco apparently both have "boy's thingies".
    • On the "You probably have AIDS anyway" line, the narrator says, "From the tattoo parlor?"
    • "So [Voldemort] can move things with his mind. That doesn't explain how he knew about Ebony and Draco."
    • The narrator saying that the "fucking poser muggle bitch" line is indeed out of character and saying, "Yes, you are" on the "you may think I'm a slut but I'm really not."
    • Professor "McGoggle" is wearing goggles.
    • The narrator pointing out the ludicrousness of Draco dying by slitting his wrists, which Tara had said earlier wouldn't kill him because he's a vampire, and then he comes back to life.
  • Internet Historian's three-part video, especially the way the characters run like paper dolls and his usual calm demeanor keeps cracking under the deluge of silliness.
  • Overly Sarcastic Productions's reading has Red attempt to be more straight-faced than other dramatic readings. The keyword being "attempt".


  • My Shiny Metal Immortal, a Futurama version of the story (in fact, it's the exact same story with the words changed around), which manages to be just as hilarious.
  • On the same vein, this story with Bayonetta and Parapines instead.
  • Whoever made this screenshot deserves a Nobel Prize for finding the cure for depression.
  • Some readers apparently envisioned the school caretaker, Mr. Norris, as Chuck Norris.
  • All of the visual gags and puns in the comic adaptation on Deviantart and Drunk Duck.
  • The supposed Tara and Raven channel is a goldmine of this, from Raven's description of herself as the "acid bath princess of darkness" to them having kicked out Justin/Azer due to having caught him shopping at Abercrombie's.
  • Dorothy Dawson's parody of the fanfic, containing all things she holds dear to her heart, including Shipwrecked Comedy and musical theatre. Her friends and favorite fictional characters often make appearances, and she peppers the story with her annotations.
  • A group of filmmakers are creating a six-part live action adaption of the story. Instead of actually adapting the story, the series is a Deconstructive Parody. It deconstructs the story by keeping almost all of the characters in-character and actually referred to by their proper names... but keeps all of Ebony's inane dialogue and behavior intact. This results in things like Harry and Ron trying to figure out why Ebony keeps calling them "Vampire" and "Diablo". Just to make it even funnier, the series takes the Ho Yay between Harry and Malfoy and runs with it.
  • Description of My Immortal Through Several Layers of Google Translate. It makes just about as much sense as Tara's fanfic.
    "Vampire Pottor you fucker!"
  • My Immortal Written in Proper English:
    • The story "corrects" some of the non-mistakes, including turning some of the euphemisms into profanity ("doing it" becomes "fucking each other", etc).
    • When correcting the location of Hogwarts, "Scotland" is in bold and in full caps.
      ''I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in SCOTLAND
      • Followed by the author's note "There's no reason to give random people the middle finger, Tara. Also how is an American allowed to go to Hogwarts? Which is in Scotland not England, Tara!"
    • After Ebony denies having a crush on Draco, the note says that Tara is "not fooling anyone" and that "we all know" that she only wrote the story so her OC could bang Draco.
    • "Originally, this said Ludacris but I have a feeling that Tara wasn't talking about the rapper."
    • Despite acting as the voice of reason usually, the narrator wants Count Chocula to be a character.
    • The note "Really, Tara? Smith? Out of all the names you could've given Hermione you chose Smith? That's such a boring-ass last name!".
    • The narrator pointing out that it makes no sense that Ebony accused Vampire of cheating on her when she's only in a relationship with Draco at the moment.
    • Tom Rid's name is changed to "Not Tom Riddle".
    • The narrator wonders why Tara is adding Japanese to the story if she already messes up English.
  • In this story, the fanfic is MSTed by the Harry Potter cast themselves:
    • Seamus compares the kids listening to Ron read out the story to story time in kindergarten.
    • Harry says that Tara is ten IQ points stupider than a mountain troll, which Neville says is offensive to mountain trolls.
    • Hermione almost feels bad for the other Slytherins that Ebony is there. Ron adds that the most important word there is "almost".
    • Cedric describes Ebony's makeup as making her look like a "gothic blowfish".
    • During the sex scenes, the HP crew wonder if Ebony is Going Commando, since she never mentions her undies.
    • George wants to yell Dumbledore's famous first line in Snape's class, but Ron reminds him that Snape would bite his head off if he did.
    • Marietta and Cho, after McGonagall calls Ebony and Draco "mediocre dunces", speculate that Tara got her confused with Snape, since namecalling is more his thing.
    • After Vampire Potter's debut...
      Luna: "Wait, so she roared like a lion? Shouldn't she be in Gryffindor?"
      Hermione: "Oh, Merlin, no, we don't want her!"
      Harry: "OK, first off, I do not grumble while making introductions. Second off I do not go by Vampire. Thirdly I think blood tastes disgusting. Fourthly I don't giggle like a little schoolgirl, no offence to any girls in here, and finally I do not whimper!"
  • Although admittedly not as funny as Raven's character being expelled, murdered and corpse-raped (in that order), Raven's comments towards Tara and her treatment of Tara's character in her own fanfic is still hilarious:
    • "That fucking retard Elvira (whose real name was Lindsay like that fucking ho Lindsay Loan) had gone all the way back to first-year and they put her in Gryffindor where all the retarded preps were because she couldn't even write properly and she had to get all her friends 2 do it for her."


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