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The Story Itself

  • Draco stops the flying car. No mention is made of him landing it first. Both characters get out and walk around.
  • This recap of The Exorcist (or "The Exercise" as the story puts it):
a boy and a girl were doin' it suddenly a cereal killer came lol
  • Dumbledore's first appearance:
    "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
    It was...........Dumbledore!
  • Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching! Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guys do it) but both of them were fuking preps.
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  • “Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11” said Hermoine.
  • I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.
  • At one point, Ebony and Vampire start screwing each other and are almost immediately interrupted by Professor McGonagall yelling for them to stop and calling them "horny simpletons". She, along with "everyone else", had been watching them get at it.
  • "I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"
  • This random example of Gratuitous Japanese
    "Hey bitch you look kawaii."
    "Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.
    • This exchange happens one chapter after Willow gets expelled and murdered by B'loody Mary, then has her corpse raped by Loopin because Tara had a fallout with Raven. Which makes this come off as Tara desperately sucking up to Raven in hopes she will come back to edit her fic again.
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  • "The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!" Snape ejaculated menacingly. "You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.
  • "Volfemort has him bondage!" (Repeated twice in the same chapter as exposition.)
  • "You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"
  • "VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.
  • "Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.
  • "YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"
    • The very fact that 85% of the work is spelled wrong (if we're being generous), but she had managed to spell "Alzheimer's" correctly is befuddling.
  • "CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily.
  • "Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape."
  • "THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.
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  • "Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.
  • "OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry.
  • A chapter after Loopin "masticates" outside of Enoby's window, Tara took a second stab at it: "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.
  • "Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. The webcomic adaptation actually shows Vampire pregnant with an Abra.
  • "Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether.
  • I smelled happily.
  • "Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.
  • "No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." said Profesor Trevolry.
  • Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash.
  • Navel had converted to Stanism.
  • "Rid my sight you despicable preps!"
  • "Ebonyiloveyouwiluhavesexwithme"
  • Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! "U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don’t then I'll rap Draco!1"
  • Then......... I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone.
  • If one ever wants to keep up the Stallone jokes: "Ever since my First Blood, I've always wanted his Rocky inside me. He began to Tango my Cash sexily..."
  • "No one fucking understands me!1" henote  shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz.
  • I laffed statistically.
  • We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was........................................ Cornelio Fuck!11111
  • "OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111" I screamed loudly.
  • The sheer WTF-ness of Hedwig making out with Voldemort. Granted, Hedwignote  is the name of a person in this fic, but just the fact that this is conceivable is absurd.
    "Oh my fucking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!" screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort's.
  • then suddenlyn................... the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly."
  • Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard).
  • "'Crucious!!!!!!!!!1' I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.
  • Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly... Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.
  • "OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go.
  • "I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!!!" screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.
  • Suddenly..............."HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted. I looked around................Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.
  • "STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. Now do ur work!"
  • Gerard Way being described as having an "amazing ethnic voice" and "piercing blue eyes".note 
  • "No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then........................ he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle"
  • "ORLY." I ESKED.
  • "Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was...... Voldemort!"
  • Voldemort wears high-heels. They loudly clack as he walks. Work it, Voldy!
  • "Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!"
  • "BECAUSE...BECAUSE...." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.
  • Ebony eats Count Chocula for breakfast as a sign of how "goffic" she is. True, she eats it with blood rather than milk, but that's even funnier.
  • "Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked"
  • Snoop "garbing the caramel and putting it in his pocket".
  • He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation. “I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.
  • The line "Loopin slurped as he sat in his chains."
  • I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.
  • "You ludacris fools!" he shouted.
  • He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.
  • He put his boys thingy in mine.
  • Anything Britney does. Seriously.
  • "Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." said James.
  • "I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back. Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”
  • We hugged each udder happily.
  • Voldemort gave me a gun.
  • Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.
  • "I hath telekinesis."
  • Black leather platinum boots.
  • He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.
  • We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den.......I gasped............. Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111
  • Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!
  • Suddenly................ a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!!!!!!!11
  • What Hogwarts students do in advanced biology classes... I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!
  • 'Kawai.' I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.
  • MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Rumbridge shouted angrily.
  • Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
  • “Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.note  Followed by Ebony starting to laugh at Voldemort but then feeling bad "even though [she's] a sadist".
  • Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. Den... we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz.
  • In the repost, during chapter 15, the line "Ebonyiloveyouwiluhavesexwithme" was probably omitted by accident, resulting in this little gem:
    "Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)
  • A comic is currently in the works on YouTube that just makes the story even more hilarious with the visuals.
  • Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?”
  • "Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). "U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!"
  • Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).
  • From Hermione and Ebony's discussion of Willow: B'loody Mary suddenly mentions that "after Willow got expelled I murdered her and then Loopin did it with her cos he's a necphilak". What's funny about this? The fact Hermione seemed to consider it more important that Willow got expelled than that she killed her (and Lupin's actions). Because that's one of the few moments in the fic where Hermione seems in-character. ("Before either of you two think of another clever plan to get us both killed—or worse, expelled.") And Ebony's only reaction to this is "Kawai."
  • "The Mystery Of Magic". That is all.
    • "St. Mangos". That is also all.
  • "This Cannot Be!." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." "YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.
  • Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. “Why didn't you fucking tell me!” he shouted.
  • "U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" I shouted despariedrly."
  • The sex scene between Ebony, Draco, Vampire, and Satan qualifies.
    I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. And then... I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. "Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists
  • "I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attack 3 and Saw II and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent."
  • Ebony jumping in front of a bullet "sexily". How one does that is anyone's guess.
  • "I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued."
  • He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.
  • Let's not forget all the things Enoby does "passively." Even better? She probably meant "passionately" which... is pretty much the exact opposite.
  • Just the fact that Marty McFlynote  is a plot important character in "My Immortal" is more than enough reason to read it. And HE'S been made "goffik", no less!
    I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1
  • "Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly."
  • Vampires being vulnerable to steak, to the point that Enoby contemplates killing herself with one... that she keeps in her room.
  • The weird juxtapositions that the events in the chapters can go. Take Bloody Gothic Rose 666's rehearsal, which is interrupted by (in order): Ebony crying about her meeting with Voldemort and telling B'loody Mary about his threat, an eavesdropping Draco jumping over a wall ala Le Parkour and scolding her for not telling him, the two of them crying until Draco runs out of the room, the band rehearsal continuing, and Dumbledore arriving to tell Ebony that Draco's dead.
  • Ladies and gentlemen, the one genuinely funny pun in the entire fic.
    He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him.
  • This bit of (probably) Accidental Innuendo:
    "WTF where'd Draco?" I asked [Vampire]. "Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"
  • 'Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they had recovered because they were pedophiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.'
  • Ebony's 'blak stilton bo-ots'.
  • Whatever "My head snaped up" means.

Author's Notes

  • "if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!"
  • "get it cuz (enter pun explanation here)"
  • "ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1" Tara seems to miss the point that those reviews were mostly flames.
  • (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)
  • AN: I sed stup flamming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
  • WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD
  • "soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists"
  • 'if ur a homophone den fuk of!'
  • Just the fact that, even as batshit-insane this story is, the author somehow manages to predict one of the biggest plot twists of the canon series years before it was revealed. (Spoilers ahead, obviously) "nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!". The only real inaccuracies are that Voldemort did not die immediately, but merely became vulnerable, and that Harry got better. That said, she also predicts that Snape and Voldemort are the same person and that Harry and Draco will hook up.
  • Tara and her friend, who she always gives thanks to in the author's note, get in a fight at one point over clothing being borrowed and never returned. Tara responds by basically tossing her friend's OC under a bus and having the characters talk shit about her; Her friend does the exact same thing to Tara's OC in her own fanfic. The funniest part comes when they apparently get over their spat and the OC returns despite being kicked out of Hogwarts and then getting killed immediately afterwards.
    • One of such spats is at Chapter 12, where Raven seemingly complains at Tara for not giving her credits for helping her with the writing. Tara's response? Asking her where her sweater is.
  • Tara apparently has to defend Dumbledore's swearing all the time because the trolls reading keep getting offended, even if Dumbledore doesn't swear in the chapter she's writing her response.
  • "A sex-pack (geddit, cause he's so sexah)"

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