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This page is dedicated for the funny moments from Mass Effect 3. The Citadel DLC has its own page here.

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  • "I've had enough of your tabloid journalism." SHEPARD PAWNCH! Players get their Third Round with Al-Jilani. They get the option of once more punching her, except this time she dodges the punch, and after doing a battle pose, tries to hit back. Shepard's response? Headbutt her. Krogan style.Note  Enjoy.
    Al-Jilani: Hah! You want some?!? / Not this time, you military grunt!
    Shepard: [SHEPARD HEADBUTT!]
    • Unfortunately, if Shepard doesn't counterattack in time, Shepard gets knocked out and the reporter decides that riling up Shepard's not worth her time. (Although even this can be funny, depending on your sense of humour.)
      • When she starts up, Shepard's look tells the whole story, like s/he's trying to keep from laughing. Or cussin.
      • Before the option to punch Al-Jilani comes up, she makes a remark about how Shepard "abandoned Earth". After the double hit, Shepard sees the camera is still rolling and says "You're mad, I get that, but I'm here to get help for Earth, not answer your questions". S/he's actually playing to the crowd.
    • Jennifer Hale reveals that this is about her favorite part of the roles she did, only outclassed by femShep being on the cover and saying goodbye to Garrus.
  • When Shepard comes back from the Citadel, and tells Joker that the Council still refuses to help.
    • His opening as well:
      Joker: Hey Commander, I had my doubts about the Council. But after years of ignoring your warnings, they're finally willing to step up and tell you that they just can't help.
  • During an optional mission on Sanctum, Shepard finds a "Failed Medi-Gel Experiment" in a Cerberus lab.
    Shepard: "Will only lead to Medi-Gel advances for hanar." (scoff) Only Cerberus would call that a failure.
  • Pretty much everything with Aria.
    • It starts with a C-Sec officer yelling at her for being on the Citadel illegally ("Yes, and it only took you two weeks to notice"). Aria gets fed up, so she calls up the Asari Councilor, telling her she's being bothered about customs. The Councilor immediately taps something into her omni-tool, fixing the problem, and meekly asks if Aria needs anything else. Aria just waves her off like the most powerful woman in the galaxy is her own personal secretary...and the Councilor obeys without a word of dissent.
    • Aria's frankly adorable pout over the squeaky-clean Purgatory and its limited drink options is almost as funny as just how much she cannot stand the place. Her response to Shepard's above callback wastes very little time getting down to it.
      Aria: I guess so. I hate this place.
    • On a meta level—the fact that Aria is the first quest-giver in the entire damn series to lay out, frankly and logically, that if Shepard fails, everyone dies—therefore, there's no point horse-trading when Shepard's success is in everyone's best interests. She's taking the initiative and giving you all the resources she can get her hands on, no strings attached, to do with as you will, and you don't have to pick up her laundry or do her any favors to earn it. You want a mercenary army? Aria's drawn up the contracts, all you have to do is talk to the leaders. You want the full resources of Omega Station? Done, just as soon as Aria has them to give. The simplicity and lack of negotiation, when compared to all the hoops Shepard is jumping through at the time, is hilarious in contrast.
    • And after explaining why she's stuck there, her reasons for the Illusive Man being "squarely at the top of [her] shit list" don't include more than a passing mention of the violent coup he organized. She's more pissed that it's forced her to live on the Citadel.
      Aria: *deathly serious* He will pay for every second I've spent in this bureaucratic hellhole.
    • Her summary of how Cerberus defeated her:
      "Deceit, distraction and a big fucking army."
    • As mentioned above, Aria is almost personally offended at how... law-abiding Purgatory is.
      Shepard: So what's new with you?
      Aria: Is that supposed to be funny?! Let's see—I've lost Omega, I got C-Sec eyes all over me, and I'm holed up in this poor excuse for a nightclub. (pout) Can't even get Noverian Rum here. In other words, I'm in hell.
    • Later, when Shepard asks about her plan to take back Omega from Cerberus.
  • The single-player demo ends with a rather amusing scenario in which the female krogan you rescue from a group of Cerberus troops yanks a shotgun out of Wrex's hands to blow away a pair of stray troops with one shot each, before shoving the gun back at Wrex. Wrex just shakes his head and mutters, "Women."
    • This conversation with Female!Shepard on the Normandy.
      Wrex: Our females don't lack for spirit. For males, a good show of force sorts things out. [sounding genuinely confused] But females like to... talk about it. Then think about it. Then talk about it some more. ...No offense.
      Shep: Believe it or not, we sometimes have good ideas, Wrex. You should try listening.
      Wrex: Yeah, but our women have so many of them. So, sometimes I pretend to listen and, well... let's just say krogan females have tempers too.
  • While on-route to the salarian homeworld to retrieve "Eve", a fertile krogan female, Wrex gets a bit antsy. Shepard and Liara assure him they'll retrieve her safely and he expresses his gratitude.
    Wrex: I appreciate that, Liara. I wouldn't want anyone else along for the ride.
    Garrus: [cough]
    Wrex: I suppose I could make room for you too, Garrus. [chuckles]
    Garrus: Figured you'd gone soft sitting on your throne, forgot how to hold a gun.
  • Another gem can be found if Garrus is in your party and you speak with Wrex right after landing.
    Wrex: [laughs] Garrus... I have to make friends with the one turian in the galaxy who thinks he's funny.
    Garrus: Imagine how I feel. I'm supposed to hate krogan, but you came along and warmed my heart with your winning personality.
    Wrex: [while surrounded by salarians] I could throw a few salarians off a cliff if it'll make you feel better.
  • And then there's this. Garrus and Wrex are as much bros to each other as they are to Shepard.
    Wrex: Now we can get back to doing what Krogan do best. Saving everyone else from giant monsters!
    Garrus: Never going to let us forget the Rachni Wars, are you?
    Wrex: Last time I was at the Citadel, I didn't see a turian statue in your honor. [chuckles]
    Garrus: Just wait till this war is over.
  • While on Sur'Kesh, Wrex, sore about being detained by security, begins making loud comments about how delicious salarians are. The comments in and of themselves are already funny ("I prefer my salarian liver served raw!") but the icing on the cake comes from one of his salarian guards, whose expression just gets more and more pissed off with each comment Wrex makes.
    • For added funny: Complete "Priority: Eden Prime" (The mission available with the From Ashes DLC, which gives you Javik as an available party member) before the Sur'Kesh mission, then bring Javik with you. He will respond to Wrex's aforementioned comment:
    Javik: He is correct. It was a... delicacy, in my cycle.
    • Not even Garrus is above a joke at the salarians' expense (and yes, he gets a Death Glare, too).
    Garrus: "I hear vorcha like it grilled."
  • Later, the team meets up with Captain Kirrahe, who pulls out a pistol that shoots sticky grenades, causing Cerberus troops to explode. Garrus has a certain gleam in his eyes.
    Garrus: How do I not have one of those?
  • The ever-astute Mordin gives us this observation: "Affinity for destruction intact, Shepard."
  • Upon arrival to Sur'Kesh, Shepard is refused landing. Wrex decides to perform a "Krogan airdrop" and leaps from the shuttle. Held up against Salarian security, he throws them away with a biotic blast but is then targeted by snipers from afar. If the renegade option is chosen, this golden moment is engaged:
    Shepard: Does Salarian hospitality always come with sharpshooters? This is an insult to the Alliance!
    Salarian: Please understand, no matter what some politician might say, Krogan are still considered a hostile race.
    Wrex: I wonder why.
    • There's also the Salarian's reaction to said Krogan airdrop: "We have an unauthorized... landing."
  • The gang's reaction to the Yahg prisoners on Sur'Kesh, especially Liara and Garrus
    Shepard: Careful! There goes the next Shadow Broker.
    Garrus: Could've sworn he was muttering "T'Soni!" the whole time.
    Liara: Not funny!
  • Remember Blasto, who started as a forum in-joke and received a small cameo in the second game? He got his own radio drama, which is 10 minutes of absolute hilarity.
    Bubin: Badassfully: This radio drama comes... highly recommended.
    Blasto: This one agrees and poses multiple tentacles aimed upwards in an agreeable manner.
    • Just the the concept behind Blasto 6 elicits much laughter. Imagine a typical buddy cop movie and the clichés attached to them: the Cowboy Cop partnered with the By-the-Book Cop, the latter cop's sister attracted to the former cop, the villain who uses Screw the Rules, I Have Connections! to his advantage, and the perpetually worried police chief chastising the two cops when things go awry. Mix those archetypes with two Elcor, a Hanar, a Volus and a Vorcha, and the races' respective speaking styles, and it's gutbustingly funny (the Elcor cop starting every single line with "badassfully" being the highlight). Imagining the entire ordeal makes the scenario even more insane.
    • One of the sequences is a hilarious Shout-Out to Lethal Weapon and Lethal Weapon 2.
      Bubin: Badassfully: Dammit. You big stupid jellyfish. I'm just from retirement.
    • Blasto sleeps with Bubin's sister. Complete with squeaking-bed sounds.
      Bubin's sister: Coquettishly: That's right, baby. Tell me your soul name.
      Bubin: Badassfully: What the hell's going on here? Are you sleeping with my sister?
      Blasto: Slumber would be difficult due to the energetic nature of our copulation.
      • Meta humor here, Blasto is voiced by Mark Meer (Male!Shepard/ShepLoo) while Bubin's sister is voiced by Jennifer Hale (Female!Shepard/FemShep). That's right, you just listened to Shepard having creepy alien sex with him/herself.
    • "Are you engaging in reproductive behavior with this one?"
    • "Bottom line: you can't touch the Vorcha! [gasp] They've got diplomatic immunity!"
      • "Then this one will not attempt diplomacy."
    • This sequence:
      Vorcha: Ha ha! Kill you now!
      [two gunshots]
      Blasto: Spawn of questionable parentage. The Vorcha. Get to cover.
      Bubin: [weakly] Badassfully: Dammit. Blasto. They got me. They got me bad.
      Blasto: No, Bubin. You are too aesthetically displeasing to die.
      Bubin: Badassfully: Promise me you'll... get... the... Vorcha...
      Blasto: They have already perished, though they are currently unaware of it.
      Bubin: Badassfully: the book...Promise me you'll do it...
      Blasto: This one cannot accede to this request.
      Bubin: [death rattle] B-Badassfully: Promise me... [death rattle]... Dammit... [death rattle]... Promise... [death rattle]
      Bubin's translator: Translator error: obstruction in airway.
      Blasto: [almost monotone] Noooooooooooo...
    • The fact that it's only about six months since Shepard was strolling around Illium but in that time the Blasto franchise has churned out five sequels is hilarious in itself. Then we have in the Citadel DLC the shooting of Blasto 7, with talk about Blasto 8. The fact that it's produced by Salarians explains so much about the sequelization. That and the production values.
    • The way that Bubin prefaces every single one of his statements with 'badassfully' is probably an indication that the Elcor is a terrible, one-dimensional actor (as opposed to the Hamlet Elcor, who use a wide variety of adjectives, but are no less monotonous).
    • Patrick Weekes confirms that they skipped past the opportunity to have a Pun in the audio drama that had the potential to be painfully hilarious, given that we would have had a Hanar saying this.
      Blasto: Bubin-Spectre.
  • Shepard finding Ashley on the floor with a massive hangover and makes suggestions of getting her up.
    Shepard: You know, is it time to test the fire alarm? I think it is!
    Ashley: I'll pay you a million credits not to do that, sir/ma'am.
    Shepard: Two million credits, and we have a deal.
    Ashley: You're a damn space pirate.
    Shepard: I could order Joker to sing to you over the comm.
    Ashley: I hate you.
    Shepard: "I hate you...?"
    Ashley: Sir/Ma'am.
    Shepard: As you were, Williams.
    • And considering she got the booze from Vega, it's entirely possible that it's because she downed, in its entirety, a large bottle of mescal.
      Ashley: Ah! Sir... your voice, sir? Not... so loud, pleasethankyou.
    • At least she can outdrink Shepard. After three drinks the screen blacks out and Shepard wakes up next to Aria, who gives a look of pity that s/he can't handle alcohol. Still, we don't know what that glass was filled with. It might well have been food-colored ryncol.
    • Ashley referring to Shepard as a space pirate was hilarious if you played as FemShep given that her voice actress fought quite a few of those in a different series.
  • In Mass Effect 2, Mordin mentions all the Cerberus crew possessing cyanide capsules in false teeth. He remarks that he prefers ocular nerve flashbangs, as they are much more effective. Come Mass Effect 3, and one of Liara's Shadow Broker reports details an Alliance interrogation session of a captured Cerberus agent, who promptly blows up her own face with ocular nerve flashbangs. Looks like TIM was paying attention to those listening devices!note 
  • One of the disputes you can resolve on the Citadel for Reputation points is between a sales clerk and the Refund Guy. You can convince the sales clerk to give the poor man a full refund. The whole fifteen credits. Almost crosses into Heartwarming territory, since the Refund Guy just sounds so grateful to finally get the creds back... of course, he'd been fighting for them for ~3 years by this point, so it's understandable.
  • Garrus and his perchance for calibrations from the second game reaches Running Gag status here, the very mission after he rejoins the Normandy Crew. Hell, even the Turian Primarch becomes the very first to make mention of it:
    Primarch Victus: "Garrus said that he had to attend to Normandy's weapon systems. Something about calibrations."
    • Shepard's response? "Sounds like Garrus."
    • Joker also gets in a dig, commenting to Shepard how glad he is that Garrus is back on board to shoot things for them. "Plus we might need something calibrated!"
    • Not to be outdone, Garrus gets in on it: "Now, believe it or not, this damn gun still needs calibrating."
    • If you head to talk to Garrus right after completing Palaven but before checking on EDI, you run into Garrus and Joker having a chat about the problem in the AI core.
      Joker: Maybe something was... miscalibrated?
      Garrus: You do know who you're talking to, right?
  • Javik's Fish out of Temporal Water opinions on the other races.
    Javik: Amusing. Asari have finally mastered writing.
    Liara: ...I'm sorry?
    • His comment on salarians from the same conversation:
      Javik: [with utter disbelief] They used to eat flies.
      Javik: [later] Did you know that Salarians used to lick their eyes?
    • And the nod to the Fan Nickname that was being used to refer to him back when there were crazy rumours about a Prothean squadmate.
      Javik: Your "Joker" pilot insisted I call myself "Prothy the Prothean". I insisted he allow me to throw him out of the airlock.
    • He seems to have replaced Legion as The Comically Serious on the squad.
      Tali: So you're a real, living prothean?
      Javik: As opposed to a fake, dead one?
      Tali: Uhhhhhhhh...okay.
      • Of course, considering the vast number of Collector corpses that Shepard has left in her/his wake, and the fact that at least one Reaper could assume control of a Collector's body, this could be considered an entirely valid question. For maximum awkwardness, wear the Collector armor.
    • His Bizarre Alien Biology leads to a funny moment with Shepard regarding his or her love interest:
      Javik: You and the [LI's species or occupation if human]... you are joined?
      Shepard: [grinning] You could say that.
      Javik: I'm not. Your pheromones are.
  • Mordin requires a tissue sample from the leader of Clan Urdnot. If the leader is Wrex...
    Mordin: Don't forget: still need your tissue sample.
    Wrex: (dejectedly) ...I'll be back...
    Mordin: Common phobia. Fear of needles.
    Shepard: ...Or Salarian doctors.
    (Later, when talking to Wrex)
    Wrex: Urgh. Yeah.
    Shepard: Something wrong?
    Wrex: Mordin... he got his tissue sample from me, alright... let's just say scalpels were never meant to cut where he cut.
    • Alternately, if Wreav is leader...
    Mordin: Don't forget: still need your tissue sample.
    Wreav: Better not hurt!
    Mordin: (under his breath) No promises.
    (Later, when talking to Wreav)
    Wreav: Urrrggh....
    Shepard: Something wrong?
    Wreav: That salarian scientist of yours! He failed to mention how he was gonna take his... tissue sample! This ship doesn't have enough painkillers for where he cut me!
  • Kirrahe assumes that you're joking when you tell him that Javik's a Prothean, and guesses that he's actually a drell or some other alien with genetic engineering.
    • Which is doubly funny when contrasted with Mordin's reaction to first seeing Javik moments later.
      Mordin: A Prothean. Excellent.
    • Wrex doesn't seem overly shocked either.
      Wrex: Who's that?
      Shepard: He's a Prothean.
      Wrex: [deadpan] Sometimes I'm not sure whether the Normandy is a warship or a travelling freak show. But as long as he can hold a gun...
      • Although Wrex seems to really be asking "Where does s/he keep finding these people?"
  • Mordin later asks Javik for permission to dissect him, to which Javik happily agrees... provided Mordin can best him in combat first.
  • A salarian protests that he can't release Eve once containment protocols are in effect. He's interrupted mid-sentence with a painful electric shock, with Mordin right behind him.
    • One YouTube user comments this response to this moment.
    FullmetalHeart20: "Did he...Did Mordin just pull a Renegade interruption?!"
  • After EDI gets the android body, she'll mention that "Do not worry, Shepard. I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen when I find something truly interesting." The look of silent horror on Shepard's face is absolutely hysterical... especially when EDI then follows it up with the usual "That was a joke."
  • Just about everything involving EDI and Joker, and the fact that about everyone on the Normandy is thinking Robo Ship.
    • As shown in this video, Joker is caught asking for sex advice of how to get it on with EDI from Mordin.
      Joker: You're not going to tell anyone about this? Like Shepard, Shepard definitely doesn't need to know.
      Mordin: Ah. Guarantee that Shepard will not learn about it from me...
      Joker: ..S/he's standing right there, isn't s/he?
      Eve: I wish I wasn't.
    • After the mission in Tuchanka, Joker has an idea on how to deal with Reapers:
      Joker: Now all we need is a gun that fires Thresher Maws!
      Shepard: That was a joke.
      EDI: I apologise. I was contemplating.
    • How did EDI counter Cerberus' cyberwarfare after the events of ME2? By flooding their servers with porn. Seven zettabytes of it. Most of it was Joker's (unless that was a joke). For everyone playing along at home, a zettabyte is 1021 bytes. In all Joker has seven (ahem) sextillion (7 x 1021 or 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) bytes of porn on the Normandy's computer. Yes, sextillion is a real number. Additionally, as of 2020, the total memory of the entire Internet was estimated to be 2.7 zettabytes. The Extranet Is For Porn indeed.
    • James and Kaidan (if you re-recruit him after the Cerberus coup) are also distracted by EDI's new body.
      Kaidan: Hey, I bumped into EDI in the hall. Scared the shit out of me. You could have warned me. She looks good, though...
  • Garrus and Joker telling jokes to each other on the Normandy's bridge.
    Garrus: All right, my turn. What's the first order an Alliance commander gives at the start of combat?
    Joker: Uh...I give up.
    Garrus: Correct.
    Joker: [laughs] All right, big guy. What do you call it when a turian gets killed by a horrible spiky monster?
    Garrus: Friendly fire. Come on, that one goes back to Shanxi.
    Joker: Gotta respect the classics.
    Garrus: How many humans does it take to activate a dormant mass relay?
    Joker: 602. 600 to vote on it, one to ask the asari for technical help, and one to request a seat on the Council afterward. How do you know when a turian is out of ammo?
    Garrus: He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon. Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
    Joker: You're shitting me! The turian military has one about me?
    Garrus: Oh absolutely! I heard it myself from a private back on Palaven.
    Joker: All right, why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
    Garrus: So their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills.
    Joker: Damn, you need to tell James that one. Hey, what's the hardest part about treating a turian who took a rocket to one side of his face?
    Garrus: Figuring out which side took the rocket.
  • Related to that - Vega tries to get Javik to open up a bit. Hilarity Ensues.
    • James meets the last member of an extinct civilization. Liara had questions about Prothean government and society. James just wants to know if they liked to get drunk. James and Javik, you two managed to avoid the Replacement Scrappy title magnificently.
  • The banter between M!Shep and Tali (if a romance option was pursued) is hilarious while on the Geth Dreadnought.
    Tali: I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.
    Shepard: Well, I care deeply about the quarian people.
    Tali: It's good to be back on the Normandy.
    Shepard: Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.
    Tali: [pleasantly] Hmm.
    Kaidan: Uh... if you like, I can give you two some privacy.
    • Ashley tries to get the two lovebirds to cut the chatter (which is even funnier if she was your ME1 love interest and you dumped her for Tali in the first place):
      Ashley: Maybe we can talk about this when we're not on a damn geth dreadnought.
    • Even funnier is Javik's response:
      Javik: I don't understand.
      EDI: Shepard and Tali became physically intimate during their fight against the Collectors.
      Javik: Mating between species. A pointless exercise.
      • Whereas Liara thanks EDI for the update with dripping sarcasm, while Vega's reaction is simply "Too Much Information". Topped off with Shepard simply saying "Thank you, EDI."
    • Even funnier is Garrus's response:
      Garrus: [exasperated] I was there when you two had your thing, remember? Just get a room and work it out.
    • Just Tali being a flirt and her interactions with Shepard in general. It's both hilarious and heartwarming to watch them go back and forth. Another gem, if you managed to get the quarians and geth to work together:
      [Tali has been discussing how geth have been uploading themselves into quarian suits, simulating infections so the quarians can live without them faster]
      Shepard: Well, just tell me if you're going to upload someone into yours.
      Tali: [chuckles] Oh, trust me, Shepard. The only other person who gets inside this suit is you.
    • If you negotiate peace with the geth and quarians:
      Shepard: I bet you say that to every guy who gets you a homeworld.
      Tali: Only the cute ones.
  • The entire Grissom Academy sequence, watching Jack's...unique teaching style and it's startlingly positive effect on her students. Especially when they start mocking some of her lines from ME2 (which themselves are taken verbatim from enemy biotics from ME1)...
    Prangley: (laughing) The Psychotic Biotic!
    Rodriguez: "I will destroy you!"
    Jack: (dryly) Drink your juice, Rodriguez. You couldn't destroy wet tissue paper.
    • Subsequent dialogue reveals that she actually does reward them with boxes of juice.
    • And their reward for surviving the whole debacle:
      Jack: You're all getting ink, on me! What do you guys want, Grissom Academy logo, a glowing fist? A unicorn, for Rodriguez?
      Rodriquez: Screw you, ma'am!
      • It's a Funny and Heartwarming moment if you own the Mass Effect 3 iOS app and Jack emails you, "Rodriguez just ripped a husk's head off. May be some hope for her yet."
    • Jack's entire relationship with poor Rodriguez is this in a nutshell, crossed over heavily with CMOH for how well Jack takes care of the kid. For example, the Atrium sequence.
      Jack: This ain't dodgeball, Rodriguez! Keep your damn barriers up!
      (cry of pain)
      • And then a few seconds later:
        Shepard: Everyone okay up there?
        Jack: Rodriguez took one in the arm. Because she didn't watch her barriers!
      • And the Humiliation Conga continues when she somehow manages to fall behind during the final dash for the shuttles. While the Heartwarming is in full effect—Jack is genuinely horrified that she lost a student and immediately leaps to the rescue—her response to Shepard saying that Rodriguez needs covering fire ("She needs a lot more than that!") carries undertones of Mama Bear and 'She needs a slap upside the head is what she needs!' in equal measure.
      Jack: Where the hell's Rodriguez?!
    • And if you bring Garrus along:
      Jack: (to unromanced Garrus) What's up, Garrus. Face still looks like shit.
      Jack: (to romanced Garrus) Bite me, Garrus! Better yet, bite her - probably how she likes it.
    • Or her reaction to EDI, which is surprisingly amiable:
      Jack: Nice body, EDI. Now you look like a sex-bot instead of a sex-toy.
    • If the From Ashes DLC is completed prior to this, and Javik is brought to the mission?
      Jack: Who the hell are you?
      Javik: Fifty thousand years older than you.
      Jack: No shit. Shepard always does pick the weird ones.
    • But nothing can really stack up to the very ending of the mission, whereupon Jack and Joker have a verbal spar over intercom for old times' sake.
      Joker: [upon hearing Jack forcibly hold herself back from cursing him out in front of her students] What, does she have a swear jar or something? I bet we could empty that out and have enough to buy a new cruiser!
      Jack: ...Cover your ears, kids. Hey, Joker! F—
      [loading screen]
      • Even better because you can find a datapad in which Jack says something about how she will rip Joker's head off when she talks to him again and he mentions swear jars.
      • It's funniest on the first time playing the mission, because there is an achievement pop-up *ding* that is perfectly timed to cut off Jack's curse at the end.
  • And seeing her later at Purgatory Bar:
    • Garrus comments on this during his Citadel meeting, where he challenges Shepard to a sniper duel.
    Garrus: Not saying you don't know how to handle a gun. Just saying some of us know how to make it dance. So let's find out who's really the best shot.
    Shepard: There are a few people in the galaxy who've seen me in action, Garrus. They seemed impressed.
    Garrus: Yeah, but I've actually seen you dance, Shepard. No comment.
    • Followed by:
    Shepard: All right, Vakarian, you're going down!
    • During the same outing, Shepard can take a jab about how Garrus always seems to have a new scar every time they meet up, and cracks about how Vakarian might be losing a step in his old age.
      Garrus: Raise your hand if you haven't been killed before.
      Shepard: Touche.
    • If you lose to Garrus on purpose during your sniping duel, he lets the victory go to his head, even calling back to the previous game where you could use Paragon checks to get discounts in stores.
      Garrus: I'm Garrus Vakarian, and this is now my favorite spot on the Citadel!
      Shepard: It's windy up here.
      Garrus: Think I'm going to erect a monument right here, bronze this gun so the whole galaxy knows!
      Shepard: ...that you're the King of the Bottle Shooters. Glad you're around, Garrus: never know when the bottles might revolt.
  • Though mention in the previous game, you can finally meet the Shepard VI at the Citadel. His/Her lines are pure gold.
    Shepard VI: There's nothing this galaxy can't beat if we all work together... [activate again] ...except the Reapers. Ever see the size of one of those things?
    Shepard VI: I can predict what the real Commander Shepard would say with seven percent accuracy!"
    Shepard VI: [to Shepard, who he/she is based off of] Extranet says you're an Alliance Officer. Keep up the good work, soldier!
    Shepard VI: How 'bout a pet? You look like a varren person!
    Shepard VI: Always nice to see you!
    Shepard VI: Hey again!
    Actual Shepard: I don't really sound like I?
    • It's also based on the personality of your Shepard, so while a Paragon Shepard VI is obnoxiously friendly, a Renegade Shepard VI sounds more than a little Ax-Crazy.
      Shepard VI: Looks like you've been in some fights lately. Install me in a combat mech, and I could do some pretty crazy damage myself.
      Shepard VI: Technically, it's thermal clips, not bullets. But who says, "I filled him with five detachable heat sinks"?
      Shepard VI: Wait, wait, forget the mech. Install me in one of those flying drones and stick a Cain on it.
      Shepard VI: Ever wrestle a varren for money?
    • A paragon VI will eventually start hitting on Shepard. Anything That Moves indeed.
    • A renegade VI seems to be sentient, and tries to convince you to steal it.
    • The noticeable difference in pitch is likewise hysterical. The Paragon VI almost seems like it's been raised another octave.
  • Mordin Solus contemplating retirement:
    Mordin: Walk on beach, collect seashells.
    Shepard: You'd go crazy inside an hour.
    Mordin: ...Might run tests on seashells.
  • Catching Garrus and Tali getting a little cozy with each other near the end of the game, if Shepard is not in a relationship with either one of them.
    Garrus: I, uh, think one of my mandibles got hooked on her helmet...
    • And then there's this little gem soon after.
      Garrus: Guess it helps to have something to come back to.
      Tali: What do you mean, "come back to"? This is just a fling, Vakarian. I'm using you for your body.
      Garrus: You're so mean. And I'm okay with that.
  • During the Sur'Kesh mission, you can press a button on a random terminal, then a nearby soldier accosts you for touching things you aren't supposed to. As you press it more, he continually pleads for you to stop with increasing agitation. Eventually, you find out that it's a feces analyzer. And then he removes the interaction prompt so you really can't touch it anymore.
    Salarian Soldier: Please don't touch that.
    Salarian Soldier: I would rather not refer this matter to the human embassy.
    Salarian Soldier: Touch it all you want. You'll never find out what it does.
    Salarian Soldier: Are humans really so deprived of stimulus that they must insist on touching everything?
    Salarian Soldier: I'm afraid if you keep touching that, you risk a diplomatic incident.
    Salarian Soldier: Once more, the Salarian Union formally requests that you not touch that.
    Salarian Soldier: Fine. If you are so enamored of that object, I suggest you get your own feces analyzer.
    Salarian Soldier: We've already been down that road. No more. (option to touch console is removed)
  • After you've rescued the krogan female, this happens.
    Garrus: They say krogan females have a thing for guys with scars.
    Shepard: So I've heard.
    Garrus: I've got a few myself. Here's hoping nobody's thinking of an arranged marriage to secure the deal.
    [Meanwhile, in the med bay...]
    Mordin: Aware krogan females find scars attractive. Garrus loyal, reasonably intelligent, bit aggressive. Almost like krogan.
    Eve: For the third time, Doctor, I'm not interested!
  • And then there's the bizarre hilarity that is the Conrad Verner encounter (Paragon version, at least). Or: Random Shit From the First Game Coming Together in the Most Bizarre Way Possible: The Sidequest. So, a question for you: how do Conrad Verner, the writings of Matriarch Dilinaga, the armory licenses, retrieving the data disks on Feros, and helping out Detective Chellick all fit together in a logical way? Answer: No idea!
    • Also from that sidequest, Conrad reveals that he wrote his doctoral dissertation on xenotechnology and dark matter integration. Also, his subverted taking the bullets moment and how insanely epic it is.
      Conrad: But maybe I can help you with... whatever it is you're doing now that isn't with Cerberus.
      Shepard: [exasperated] Conrad, I'm building an ancient, Prothean, dark energy device to stop the Reapers. Can you help with that?
      Conrad: Well, I did write my doctoral dissertation on xenotechnology and dark energy integration.
      Shepard: [long pause] Really?
    • And, at its conclusion, as Conrad walks off, Shepard just has this '...what the hell I have no idea what just happened' look as if s/he can't believe all those ME1 little plot lines came together and paid off like this, which is probably the same expression on the player's face.
    • Then there's some of the automated dialogue you can have with him.
      Shepard: Conrad, do you even have a wife?
      Conrad: Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes... Well... no. But see—
      Shepard: Conrad, if you have some kind of weird shrine of me, I will be very unhappy.
      Conrad: It's just a poster and a few candles. It's very tasteful.
      Shepard: Gah...
      • Even funnier is Shepard's delivery. FemShep sounds like Conrad is on her last nerve and she's seconds away from throttling him. MaleShep just sounds resigned to Conrad's insanity.
    • When caught drumming up support for Cerberus because Shepard worked for them, Shepard speaks for us all.
      Shepard: Oh for the love of...
    • Conrad also asks the question every player of ME 1 had about the thermal clip system and why it replaced the self cooling one or didn't just became an addition.
      • Also serves as a Development Gag, as the two systems (thermal clips and self cooling) were originally going to work side-by-side in ME 2 (wait for the gun to cool, or change the clip and start firing again immediately)
    • One of his lines refers to the save bug which caused renegade action to be imported from ME 1 regardless of an actual player decision.
      Conrad: Just... I'm sorry if I ever accused you of pointing a gun on me when you didn't actually do that. I was really stressed out!
    • And this Godzillan lean on the Fourth Wall:
    Conrad: Listen, can I ask you something, though? Do you really think you'll defeat the Reapers?
    Shepard: We'll defeat them or we'll die trying. There's no other option.
    Conrad: Yeah, okay. Listen, another question. Do you really think you'll defeat the Reapers?
    Shepard: You just asked me that, Conrad.
    Conrad: Sorry. I like to ask all the questions I can think of, and sometimes I forget which ones I've asked already.
  • Drunk Tali. Just...Tali being totally hammered. Especially when she starts calling Javik over the intercom and tells him she thinks he actually likes Liara.
    • Particularly her difficulty with the... "emergency induction port." ("That's a straw, Tali." "Emerrrrrrrrgency induction port.")
    • And then her comment about Miranda: "Keelah, she was such a bitch."
    • The iOS app has her drunk text Shepard. And the next day, text "Ow. Head hurts. Why do people do this for fun? And what happened to my spellchecker?"
      Tali: hey Shepard im in teh lounge havinga drink, wanna hwlp?
    • During the same sequence when Tali's smashed, she drunk-dials Javik and has an amusing conversation regarding his relationship with Liara. She teases him about liking Liara, then teases him about liking Tali herself. Javik is more than a little exasperated:
      Javik: This conversation is over.
    • This is even funnier considering Javik's empathic abilities; he probably pulled that line from Tali's own conversation with Garrus in the second game.
    • Also, her daddy issues show up full force. If she's in a relationship with Shepard:
      Tali: I'm having a drink with my boyfriend. My human boyfriend. Heh. My father would have hated you.
    • And in general:
      Shepard: [upon realizing aforementioned daddy issues] Aaah.
      Tali: Don't 'aaah' at me. [grumbles] You sound like a vorcha.
  • Upon Normandy approaching the Geth Dreadnought while "rigged for silent running."
    Joker: Stealth drive engaged. Only way they'll detect us is if you all start singing the Russian national anthem.
    • This little tidbit during the mag-boot section.
    Joker: Hey, take your time, Commander. We're fine until they, you know, look out a window.
    Shepard: Geth don't use windows, remember? Structural weakness.
    Joker: Like the geth are just sitting there saying, "Oh, those organics would never try the no-windows thing twice!"
    • Should the player not have taken Legion's loyalty mission (or just not recruited Legion at all), Tali will instead inform Joker of the "no windows" scenario herself, getting this response:
    Joker: I am immune to your facts and information.
  • An incidental conversation in Purgatory between a very crass female soldier named Mel and a male soldier. Two words: Infiltrator tits.
    Mel: I want you to take the raunchiest thing you can imagine, and hang a hanar off of it.
  • Joker and Vega chat through the intercom on the possibility of the quarians making him an exoskeleton suit. Joker says it'd mess with his spatial awareness, which he needs to "feel" the ship, and zings Vega about his shuttle antics after Vega tries to retort that his suit doesn't screw his spatial sense up. Joker also concludes that he doesn't have the figure for it, citing Tali and her hips.
  • Anyone who has scrolled through one of the Squad Member pages will notice that daddy issues are the disorder of the day. Shepard is well aware of this.
    Shepard: How's your focus, EDI? Any big questions?
    EDI: No.
    Shepard: Any small questions?
    EDI: No.
    Shepard: Any lingering issues?
    EDI: About what?
    Shepard: An imperfect designer who could be seen as a warped father figure, maybe?
    EDI: Definitely not. Did something prompt this line of questioning?
    Shepard: I've just learned you have to ask about these things.
  • We all knew the Illusive Man has... different... priorities from most people, but check out his reaction to Shepard storming his base in the first step of the game's climax.
    Illusive Man: Shepard. You're in my chair.
  • On Tuchanka, while running from the biggest thresher maw ever:
    Mordin: Thresher maw getting closer!
    Wrex: Tell me something I don't know!
    Mordin: Metal in truck excellent iron supplement for maw's diet!
  • Padok Wiks, Mordin's replacement if he died in Mass Effect 2, wonders how krogan mate. After a hilarious facial expression, he asks Eve.
    Padok: In the interest of science, how do krogan mate?
    Eve: Very clumsily.
  • You can try to talk Liara into speaking to her father. She doesn't want to. Until you say just her name, at which point she gives a petulant "Fine." And then eavesdropping on their conversation is hilarious.
    Shepard: You know that asari matriarch tending the bar?
    Liara: The one sent by the government to watch me?
    Shepard: She's your father.
    Liara: I know.
    Renegade!Shepard: I never get to surprise you with anything.
    • Some gems include the phrase "useful as tits on a hanar", starry-eyed reminiscing about "Nezzy's" magnificent rack, with predictable reactions from Liara, Liara being gobsmacked that she has a part-hanar sister, Aethyta telling Liara that if she gets the urge to headbutt something it's genetic, to Liara's protestations, a comment about how Aethyta's surprised that Liara's panties haven't caught fire around Shepard, and when she gives Liara a unit of Eclipse commandos says that Liara's too old to "buy you a damn pony."
    • Liara's response to the gift is just as hilarious:
      Liara: You're giving me asari commandos?
      Aethyta: Well, you're too old for me to buy you a damn pony.
      Liara: You're the best father a girl could wish for.
  • The mission on Thessia is emotion-heavy and very depressing, and most everybody on the ship afterwards is very quiet and subdued. Same goes for Ashley when you first talk to her - she will try to comfort Shepard and reassure him/her. But thanks to the way dialogue works, when you select her several times....
    Ashley: (sadly) Guess we know how Liara feels.
    Ashley: (sadly) Just... thinking about Earth, you know?
    Ashley: (bitterly) What a waste.
    Ashley: (bright and happy) Shepard!
  • This conversation from Tuchanka when trying to summon Kalros. The delivery of Shepard's line (Male and Female) really sells it:
    Wrex: Shepard, get that second hammer going!
    Shepard: There's a REAPER in my way, Wrex!!
    Wrex: I know. You get all the fun!
    • From the same scene: most of your squadmates will react to the "trench run" by asking if they really just got shot at by a Reaper. Javik, on the other hand, starts shouting excitedly that he remembers this part - and it's the easy bit. Wrex's sage advice is to avoid the giant laser.
  • If you convince the geth to support your war, a Broker email describes an Alliance soldier's complaints about not knowing the geth were friendlies. Not only did he "shoot the flashlights" off of one, he then had to apologize to it, and insists he's never living that one down.
  • This conversation between Shepard and Legion, making fun of the fact that no one believed Shepard about the Reapers.
    Shepard: So the geth believed your proof that the Reapers were coming back?
    Legion: Of course.
    Shepard: ...That must have been nice.
  • If you choose the krogan over the rachni (thus saving Aralakh Company), Grunt sends you the following well-spelled, correctly-punctuated and highly literate email:
    SUBJ: No Subj
    FROM: Grunt
    THas a goood fight shUpurd. You cant hear em
    but I;ve goht ARLIakh co,mpany chantin
    SHEPAR SHEPAR your name you know. as we
    down some ryNCOL to heal my woundS^&!!(
    Whear are yOu?
  • When Shepard speaks to Bailey s/he can share his/her thoughts on politics.
    Shepard: Politicians are the weed of the galaxy.
    Bailey: Hmmm. You know, if that was a bumper sticker I'd place it right on my desk.
  • Kai Leng's smack talk about whoever he killed during the Citadel coup - Thane / Kirrahe / the salarian councilor - provokes some interesting reactions from your squadmates. If nothing else, it's hilarious they all hate this guy as much as the audience came to.
    Ashley: Permission to rip his head off?!
    Javik: If I kill nothing else but him, it will have been worth it!
    EDI: This organic must now die.
    Garrus: I'll tear his head off!
    James: Shit, I hate this guy!
    Liara: Damn you!
    Kaidan: Come closer! I didn't catch that, you bastard!
    Tali: Bosh'tet!
  • The interaction between Shepard and Liara's Asari "father".
    Shepard: Sorry. If you were human, you'd both be called the mother, regardless of which gave birth.
    Matriarch Aethyta: Well I'm not human, am I? Anthropocentric bag of dicks.
  • While Legion is aboard, you can visit Garrus and hear the two chatting over the com system... about calibrating the Normandy's guns. Legion insists that only a .32% increase is possible... then Garrus gets a .43% increase out of them, causing Legion to be baffled.
    • The lesson here? NEVER challenge the guy raised in a military meritocracy when it comes to achieving something with weapons.
  • Mordin's ramblings while Shepard is introducing himself/herself to Eve.
    Eve: I think seeing my sisters and I changed something in him.
    Mordin: [nearby, singing while focusing on his work] Asari-vorcha offspring have an allergy to dairy and doo-doo-doo-doo-duh-doo-doo-doo-doo...
    Shepard: Well, it wasn't his ear.
    • And in that same scene:
      Mordin: [standard Mordin talking to himself technobabble]
      Shepard: Yeah... he does that.
    • Also, the implication of an Asari and a Vorcha mating and having an offspring is a small reminder that Mordin hasn't lost his penchant for absent-mindedly mentioning Squick.
  • Eve hates the way Mordin talks to himself while working because he keeps describing absent-mindedly and in minute detail how his failures would result in her horrible, horrible death. She finds it a little unsettling. He tries to accommodate her, so he resorts to trailing off into mumbling about "sensitive topics". Eve finds that even worse because it leaves so much room for the imagination...
  • A hilarious Lampshade Hanging - Jacob says his girlfriend wants to name their baby after him/her. Shepard is surprised, but pleased. Then Jacob tells him/her that Brynn wants to call the kid "Shepard". Cue a very awkward laugh by Shep.
    • In the iOS app, Jacob announces that he and his girlfriend finally came up with a name for their baby. It's not Shepard. It's Hackett. Oh, and the baby is a girl.
  • Upon encountering the hanar diplomat who reveals his plans of uploading a virus to shut down his homeworld's defenses, leaving them open to Reaper attack, Shepard's response without any prompting or dialogue choice, is of course:
    • In this same scene, the Hanar does a dramatic Face-Revealing Turn. Hanar don't have faces. The Bathos is off the charts.
    • If Kasumi's helping you with this quest, she chimes in with her opinion of diplomat's idea that the hanar, who worship the Protheans, should serve the Reapers because the Protheans became the Collectors:
      Kasumi: You know, I support religious freedom for all species, but that's just crazy.
    • Also, earlier in the quest, Jondum Bau rules out a possible suspect by saying that the money he's transferring is for his mistress. After speaking to Bau, Kasumi pipes in.
      Kasumi: Can I just say how odd it is for a hanar to have a mistress?
    • Kasumi immediately turning around and telling Shepard she's not going to join his/her crew, since s/he already got one suicide mission out of her, before a little later on inquiring how much of the old crew Shepard has got back... and remarking that if Shep'd got Jacob back, she'd reconsider. Even if she still has Keiji's greybox, since she's "nostalgic. Not dead."
  • One of Liara's archived conversations is an argument between Grunt and a recruit for Aralahk Company.
    Recruit: Still don't understand why they put a tank-grown freak in charge of a whole company.
    Grunt: [laughter] And I don't understand why they gave me whining pyjaks for soldiers.
    Recruit: I have more years on the battlefield than you have kills, runt.
    Grunt: Trying to mate with salarian females doesn't count as fighting.
  • If Shepard had a romance with Kaidan in the first game, they will eventually get the chance to talk through their issues in a cafe on the Citadel and rekindle their relationship. The whole scene is a pure Heartwarming Moment...and then Shepard suggests they go straight back to the Normandy. Kaidan says he'd love to...but their drinks just showed up. Cue sexual frustration.
  • Bring Kaidan along with you and Tali to the geth dreadnaught and watch the two of them completely nerd out over omnitools, with Tali cheerfully heckling Kaidan for still using the same model. The best part is that both make some pretty good points about the omni-tools in question.
  • If you helped EDI and Joker get into a relationship, EDI will reminisce about the first time Joker saw her new shell. Joker said that she didn't have to conform to societal standards of beauty.
    EDI: I then called him on his bullshit, and we then proceeded to talk normally.
  • After kicking Cerberus off the Citadel and a side mission or two, Shepard hits the mess hall only to discover James and Garrus 'whipping it out' for comparison... their military accomplishments, that is.
    Garrus: You sure you want to play this game?
    James: What's the matter Vakarian, you chicken?
    Garrus: I don't even know what that is, though I've heard everything in the galaxy tastes like it. But if you're suggesting I'm scared... game on, Vega.
    James: Age before wisdom.
    Garrus: Okay. Back in my C-Sec days, I busted a batarian spy ring that was trying to assassinate a councilor.
    James: Please, I fought off a dozen angry batarians on Omega single-handedly. Used one of 'em as a landing pad off a three story jump.
    Garrus: Just warming up, seeing what you had. Now: I tracked down this guy, Saren. Stopped him from raising a geth army and unleashing the Reapers three years ago.
    James: Doesn't count - you did that with Shepard.
    • Walk around the ship a bit, then come back for Part 2:
      Garrus: Still think you can win this, huh?
      James: I can do this all day, Scars.
      Garrus: Funny you mention those... Ever hear the name 'Archangel'?
      James: Might have.
      Garrus: You know you have. I'm Archangel.
      James: Maybe I heard something about that too.
      Garrus: Then maybe you also heard that, for a couple months there, the crime rate on Omega mysteriously dropped while Archangel did a little "housecleaning."
      James: So you ran a cleaning service on Omega?
      James: Back on Fehl Prime, I uncovered a pair of Harvesters. Had to kill 'em all by myself.
      Garrus: Two wormnecks? That's... almost impressive.
      James: Oh that's not even the best part. They left behind an egg, it hatched, and I trained it to let me fly it. [audible smirk]
      Garrus: [chuckles] The Alliance teach to you make up crap like that, or did you figure it by yourself?
      James: [shrugs] It's a gift.
    • Walk around some more and come back for Part 3, in which Garrus and James both lampshade their prior interactions, before telling the story of how they teamed up to singlehandedly kick the Reapers back into darkspace.
      Garrus: With a little help from their friends.
      James: Nah, it was just us. But mostly me.
  • After the "Geth Fighter Base" mission:
    EDI: Shepard, you are now possibly the only living organic who has experienced the geth consensus. Do you have any thoughts on the experience?
    Shepard: It was fascinating. Mind-blowing. And I'm a bit thirsty.
    EDI: And just like that, the magic is gone.
    Shepard: Did you just say what I think you said?
    EDI: No.
  • EDI demonstrates her mastery of deadpan humor during a discussion with Legion about the efficiency of her new platform.
    EDI: The humans do not see it as a threat. Nor will they until my day of reckoning.
    Shepard: EDI...
    EDI: ...Did I just vocalize that on the bridge?
    Legion: You did. You have acquired the organic habit of asking questions to which you already know the answers.
    • That dialogue also features Legion criticizing the inefficiency of EDI's design. Especially for being so (ahem) top-heavy.
  • Going to the Ardat-Yakshi Monastery starts out just like a horror movie. Lights are off, no one's home, elevator's not working, last team sent in disappeared. You walk inside and see the whole place is a mess. All of a sudden, something moves...
    Kaidan: I, uh, tripped. Sorry.
    • Everyone has a variation on the theme.
      Shepard: I heard something!
      Tali: Um, sorry, that was me.
      Liara: [Beat] ...Sorry, that was me.
    • An easy-to-miss datapad message is of one of the Ardat-Yakshi leaving an excited message to a friend, saying that someone has smuggled in a copy of Vaenia - a most-likely-porn vid that everyone, from Jacob to Morinth, have watched - and they should meet during their free period and watch it, but act casual because Rila's the hall monitor. She ends by reminding her friend to delete this as soon as she reads it - not like last time.
  • Ashley, on what she'd like to do once she's out of the hospital:
    And first order of business is to shove their metal tentacles right up their - uh, I mean, fight with honor and courage, sir/ma'am.
  • If you bring Garrus along on the Geth Dreadnought with Tali, he will mention that Dr. Michel bought him some dextro-amino chocolate.
    Tali: Wait, she bought you turian chocolate?
    Garrus: She said that she saw it and thought of me, why?
    Tali: Oh, nothing~ [you can practically hear her smirking]
    • Alternately, if you are a female Shepard romancing Garrus:
      Tali: Watch yourself, Shepard.
    • While Admiral Gerrel is bombing the ship in the last part of that mission, Garrus will shout "Quarian Bastards!" as you and your squad escape.
  • For all of Liara's leveling in badassery, she pretty much goes into full Squee mode when Shepard and co. discover Javik. Joker lampshades this when he asks Shepard if Liara's finished bouncing in joy.
  • During the final mission, Wreav gives a pretty accurate assessment of the closest thing Earth has to Tuchanka:
    Wreav: Shepard. Thought we'd drop by and pull you humans out of the fire. In return, I want to own this thing you humans call "Australia."
  • Joker has a great line when Shepard is encouraging him to give a relationship with EDI a try.
    Shepard: What are you worried about?
    Joker: A shattered pelvis... and a broken heart.
  • Among the possible titles for Liara's future book on the Protheans: "I Despise Thinking Up Titles For My Own Academic Research".
  • After the Sur'Kesh mission, you can get this dialogue with Wrex:
    Wrex: Just like the old days, Shepard, right down to me pulling your ass out of the fire.
    Shepard: I was the one with bullets flying at me.
    Wrex: And I gave you the moral support to dodge them!
    Shepard: Uh-huh.
  • If Javik is in the party for the Thessia mission, you get this:
    Liara: Incredible. The beacon seems to think you're Prothean, Shepard.
  • Another highlight of having Javik on Thessia is his absolute mood-ruiner when Shepard tries to rally Liara.
    Liara: This nightmare never ends—!
    Shepard: The hell it won't! We get this artifact, we all get to wake up.
  • After EDI puts herself in a new body, she mentions Joker might be pleased with her new body. Shepard replies that it's an Understatement. Even funnier is if you speak to Dr. Chakwas right after.
    Dr. Chakwas: Was that EDI who just walked by?!
    Shepard: Yes, it was.
    Dr. Chakwas: [laughing] Joker is going to have a field day!
  • When mentioning EDI inserted herself into Cerebus tech without permission:
    Joker: Don't worry Commander, EDI's still installed in the Normandy, the body just gives her more flexibilty. Sweet, sweet flexibility.
    EDI: I'm...right here, Jeff.
    Joker: Yes you are, EDI. Yes you are.
    • In that same conversation, Shepard can ask Joker if he knew EDI was going to install herself into said Cerberus tech.
      Joker: If I knew she was going to upload herself into a smoking hot robot body, do you think I'd have been able to keep quiet about it?
      [Shepard eyes him wryly]
      Joker: [indicates EDI, sitting serenely in the co-pilot's seat] I mean, look at that! I'd have baked a cake!
  • Quarians are hot. How hot? If Tali and MShep are in a relationship, just ask Javik:
    Javik: In my time, even the primitive quarians were considered attractive. Now, nobody can see it... except, perhaps, the Commander?
    Tali: What!? How did you know!?
    Javik: [evil laugh]
    • The best part is that for the rest of that dialogue Javik is giving a The Reason Quarians Suck speech. Normally the fact that no one can even see what Quarians look like anymore is his final damning insult...but given the opportunity he gleefully abandons his point in favor of a 'Tali's got a boyfriend!' joke. There's a reason that Javik has been called the universe's oldest troll by fans.
  • Argument of capital importance for the future of the galaxy between Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau of the Alliance military and Doctor Liara "The Shadow Broker" T'Soni:
    Joker: Aw, c'mon. It's just one simple question.
    Liara: Then look it up on the extranet.
    Joker: You can't believe everything you find there. It's more reliable to ask a friendly asari.
    Liara: I'm not telling you if my "hair tentacles" move!
    • The only thing that would have made that funnier is if Joker later asked a Shepard romancing Liara.
    • If Shepard takes Liara's side:
      Liara: Thank you. Explaining blackmail to EDI would have been awkward.
  • If you chat to Joker after leaving the Rachni Queen to die he comes out with the following:
    Joker: You want to nuke it from orbit? It's the only way to— Ah, forget it, it's probably fine.
  • At certain moments you have to pick a squadmate to disable/repair something technical while you and the other team member defend them. Apparently, the developers knew this could lead to some odd choices - if you tell James to disable one of the geth AA guns on Rannoch...
    James:...Uh, tech's not my specialty, but I'll pull a few wires, see what comes out.
    [he walks over to the control panel, scratches his head in bewilderment - then kicks it. Repeatedly]
    • The look on Shepard's face when this happen seals the moment.
    • The cherry on top of it all is the blank look the third squadmate gives Shepard. Which is warranted because literally every other squad member is more qualified for this job.
    • In that same area, there's a locked door between the two platforms that house each of the AA guns. Activating the 'examine' tooltip prompts a loud, angry geth noise.
  • The Renegade leadup to Shepard and Garrus' Presidium excursion:
    Shepard: What did you have in mind?
    Garrus: Something that doesn't involve fighting Reapers.
    Shepard: That's hard to find these days. I guess we could catch a hanar poetry reading.
    Garrus: No offence, but if the end of the galaxy is coming, I'm not going out on the phrase "This one feels like a flower."
  • Wrex referring to Kalros, the mother of all Thresher Maws as "one HELL of a guard dog".
  • A conversation James and Cortez have down in the shuttle bay about the merits of the Mako vs the Hammerhead that is set up to sound like two fans of the series arguing about the vehicle sections. Crowning moment has to be when Cortez says the Mako handles "like a drunk rhino".
    • Specifically Cortez's remark about Vega's preference for the Grizzly IFV.
      Cortez: You would like grizzly bears, Mr. Vega.
      James: What... What's so funny?
  • Tali's line after saving Shepard from a falling elevator in the Geth dreadnought:
    • Bonus! If Tali and a male Shepard are in a relationship, this dialogue is altered. And we see a bit of Tali's Tsundere side:
      Tali: I thought I'd lost you.
      Shepard: You were worried?
      Tali: You bet I was! You dying because the geth overrode my hack? Think of my reputation!
      Shepard: Yeah, you were worried.
  • Attempting to flirt with Joker as Femshep. All of his lines are respectful and thought-out...but his face shows that he's terrified. He shows more fear than when the Collectors attacked the Normandy.
  • On letting Balak go after convincing him to pledge the remaining Batarian troops.
    C-Sec Officer: You want me to arrest him?
    Shepard: I want to put a bullet in his head. But we're all making sacrifices today.
  • If Shepard is in a relationship with Liara, when s/he's finished talking with him, Wrex will compliment the new Normandy but is annoyed that he doesn't have a window, and ribs Shepard that it's probably because of his/her relationship that Liara does.
    Wrex: I still don't have a window like Liara does, but maybe that's because I don't kiss as well. [filthy laugh]
    Shepard: No comment.
  • Mordin sings again, this time "Krogan Queen".
    Mordin: Oh
    Better to die to a thresher maw
    With shotgun-blasting-roaring raw
    Than to play ambassadorial games
    With the blood of Shiagur in her veins
    Off to fight, since Turians can't
    With diplomats instead of a krantt
    But she'll be true for Tuchanka's dream
    And live and die a Krogan Queen!
    She is the Krogan Queen! Hurrah!
    Hurrah for the Krogan Queen!
    And it is
    It is a glorious thing
    To be the Krogan Queen!
  • When a Hanar approaches Javik on the Citadel, it's unfortunate they only speak in Creepy Monotone, because you can just tell the poor thing is about to shit its pants seeing an actual, living Enkindler.
      Javik: It's a pity we didn't teach them to speak better.
    • During the goodbye to Javik in London, Shepard asks him what he'll do afterwards if they win. If you didn't interrupt the fight between him and Liara after Thessia and saw the above scene, Javik believes that the hanar will welcome him and he could "live like a king among them." Just imagine it.
  • A real Offscreen Moment of Awesome is when the Rachni are aiding against the Reapers. The email when an Alliance member crapped his pants at seeing a rachni board his ship and not attack and help with the effort.
    • Though you have to feel horrible for poor Han Olar, that traumatised Volus from Noveria in the first game, who's mentioned as nearly having a nervous breakdown after seeing the Rachni show up on the Crucible.
  • Speaking of elephants in the room, there's an amusing exchange between an Alliance member and a Geth Prime on Earth, as one of the Alliance apologizes for shooting a hole in one of the Geth platforms before realizing they were friendly.
  • If you talk to Cortez after the Communications Relay you get this little exchange between Vega & Cortez.
    Vega: Esteban got to spend some time with a Damsel in Distress.
    Cortez: You know me and my damsels, Mr. Vega.
    Vega: That I do.
  • Talking to Cortez after the Cerberus Attack on Tuchanka gives us this gem:
    Cortez: I wish I could've seen that cannon firsthand. But I cut the audio emulators, and got to watch the Cerberus cruiser gracefully and silently disintegrate. Beautiful.
    James: Sometimes I worry about you, man.
  • You can pardon the engineering duo from the 2nd game at the Spectre terminal. Like in the 2nd game, they're always good for a laugh. Eventually Gabby calls Ken out on him hitting on every girl on the ship but her. Support Gabby in the argument and you'll catch them under the engineering deck towards the end of the game. Complete with "were we caught?" lines.
  • Cortez and Vega heckling each other in general, but in particular, Cortez's introductory dialogue, where he explains that he and Vega both maintain the weapons in the ship's armory.
    Cortez: (Speaking loudly enough for Vega to hear him from across the hangar bay) Of course, the only weapon Mr. Vega likes to maintain is himself.
    Vega: [while doing chin-ups in the background] You know you love the show, Esteban!
  • Take Kaidan to find Admiral Zaal'Koris, and he has a comment on fighting geth, again.
    Kaidan: Were you around when the Alliance said we'd wiped out the last major geth outpost?
    Shepard: Yeah. Intel always was a little underfunded.
  • Samantha Traynor is the new yeoman on the Normandy. When you first talk talk to her she'll bring up not even having a toothbrush, and you can suggest placing a requisition order for one.
    Traynor: My toothbrush is specially designed with mass effect fields to break up plaque and massage the gums. It costs six thousand credits.
    Shepard: Yeah. Okay. You're on your own on that one.
    • For a comparison, that toothbrush sells for the same as an assault rifle.
    • It doubles as a Chekhov's Gun and Brick Joke in the Citadel DLC.
    • A Shepard Romancing her can learn a more snarky side of her. Also a possible Shout-Out regarding Fanon on Shepard's nationality
      [Traynor had been angsting about humanity ending up as the Quarians]
      Shepard: Don't worry, when all off this is over, I will buy us drinks back in Vancouver, I promise.
      Traynor: Vancouver? Not Paris or Venice. Vancouver.
      Shepard: It's a great city!
      Traynor: You never take me anywhere nice.
    • After you visit the Ardat-Yakshi monastery and get a squad of Asari commandos, Ms Traynor has the following gem:
      Traynor: Everyone has to fight now, no matter how pretty you are. I learned that the hard way.
    • After one mission, Traynor jokes that she may consider getting stamps by the galaxy map every time she "analyses the crap out of some data". When she mentions that Shepard is clearly rubbing off on her, if she and Shepard have hooked up, Shepard says that she'd certainly like to.
    • If you don't take the option to hook up with her when she visits your cabin (which involves getting in the shower with her), it comes off as Shepard being extremely oblivious to her blatant hinting.
  • If you do the Garrus relationship activity (skeet shooting with empty bottles), he'll send this message on the iOS app.
    (hit the target) Congrats on being the Galactic Champion of Bottle Shooting. When the bottles rise and attack we'll know who to turn to.
    (missed on purpose) Let me know if you want to go somewhere less windy next time. Those tornadoes on the Citadel can be brutal.
  • When asked by Shepard, EDI describes the construction of her robot body's face and hair in technical terms, explaining how the "flexible bio-memetic nanomaterial" of her face is capable of hardening to absorb impacts and of limited self-healing, and that her hair, currently set to one solid piece, can also be separated into individual strands for infiltration purposes... except if it has recently been exposed to water, in which case, she concludes wryly, "I generally can't do a thing with it."
  • Liara at one point asks Garrus about a Noodle Incident in his Archangel days: did he really kill three Blue Suns mercs with one round? Garrus laughs it off. The third guy died of a heart attack.
  • The dangers of Father/Daughter bonding...
    Aethyta: It was pretty clear she was leaving. Can't be the wise counselor if you are married.
    Liara: Why not?
    Aethyta: Sex appeal. Most species only pay attention if they want to have sex with you. So you have to be available, mysterious...
    Liara: What? That's not true! Shepard listens to me!
    Aethyta: And how many times have you thrown her on the bed and peeled her out of her uniform?
    [or if Shepard is male] And how many times have you popped his thermal clip?
    [if the Romance was only started in the third game] I've seen the way you look at each other. Surprised your panties haven't caught fire.
    Liara: Do you have to make it sound so... tawdry?
    Aethyta: If it's all civilized you're not doing it right.
    • Which itself is a Shout-Out to Mae West who said that sex was only dirty if you were doing it right.
  • Overlapping with Mood Whiplash is the moment when Shepard enters the room where Mordin is about to take an elevator up to a burning room to cure the genophage, meaning certain death for him. The scene is very tense and dramatic, when suddenly a piece of debris crashes down nearby and Shepard lets loose with a loud "DAYUM!"
  • The descriptions for the Batarian planets show some choice examples of Black Humor, from discussing the Reapers' taste in literature to the boisterous claims of the former Batarian Empire.
  • One of Javik's random comments relates to how people keep asking what he eats, and he refuses to tell on the grounds that it'll be harder for someone to poison him that way. And when you talk to him immediately afterwards, he "nonchalantly" asks if it's true that you keep fish in your cabin.
  • Tali doesn't like spiders much.
    • If you have the iOS app, you receive a text from her later.
      Spiders, Shepard. Seriously. Spiders.
  • In the first game, Pressly is suspicious of Tali and claims she'll be stealing things from the Normandy. At first, it seems he's just being a space racist. Then the admirals show up on a vessel with a Normandy-esque stealth drive...
  • Sometimes it's better to have the backup characters around. On the geth dreadnought, without Tali:
    Shepard: How are things on your end?
    Admiral Daro'Xen: The geth sent reinforcements to the bridge, but they were quite amenable to my hacking routines. Currently they're doing a lovely dance. Next they'll serve refreshments.
    Ashley: She's not all the way sane, is she.
  • From Alliance News Network: The batarians continue to be the Butt Monkeys of the galaxy.
    • Squad Commander Shar'lak Gurek attempts to clear up "misconceptions" on the battlefield:
      Commander Gurek: Many of our new allies in this great struggle seem to think that Batarians view warnings about incoming banshees as an insult - nothing could be further from the truth, and it would be great if people could let us know when one of those was standing right behind us. There's also a rumor that our kinetic barriers are thermally charged, and thus we actually benefit from being hit by a geth pyro's flamethrower. We're honestly not sure where that one came from.
    • Admiral Peter Mikhailovich offers his support to helping their new allies integrate into the fold.
      Admiral Mikhailovich: These warriors are fighting alongside races they had once declared undying hatred for, and doing so without the slaves to treat their injuries, as they were accustomed to. They wish to prove that they can shoulder any burden and fight any opposing force, no matter how horrific the casualties they will incur doing so. We owe them that chance.
    • Good news for the batarians, though! Alliance soldiers are responding positively to this clarification and have declared their intention to support their new allies.
      Lieutenant Girard: You know, I honestly didn't think that batarians bled the way we did. But then, I've only really seen them that one time, on Mindoir. Definitely, though, provided I've got enough medigel, and that the mission won't be compromised by me trying to give first aid during a firefight, I'll be sure to use that medigel on our new friends from Khar'shan. Just as soon as I'm done helping any injured salarians, turians, drell, asari, krogan, quarians, or geth.
    • For those who are confused: the geth are a SYNTHETIC race. They can't even USE medi-gel (well, at least they shouldn't be able to). As a bonus, just a year before most of the galaxy thought the Geth were evil robot invaders - and they still prefer them over the Batarians.
  • Speaking of the Alliance News Network, there's also this gem by Commander Bailey after a Noodle Incident at the Silver Coast Casino, calling back to a minor sidequest in ME1 that has you tracking down a person hacking the Quasar machines only to find out that it's an emergent AI that decides to kill Shepard rather than risk being shut down.:
    Bailey: Look, I know we're all thinking it, so I'm just going to make it clear. This is just a damn malfunction. It is absolutely not the Quasar machine evolving over countless interactions with humans until it becomes a full AI, which then has no desire other than the complete eradication of every living being on the Citadel. I'm 80, 85 percent sure.
  • And with the Extended Cut, BioWare apparently took note of the fact that many players fired a round or two at the Star Child, because if you do that now, he'll simply shut the Catalyst/Crucible down, and it segues directly into the "Reject" ending, where the cycle continues as planned.
  • While at Purgatory, Shepard can overhear some very interesting conversations between Joker and EDI. This is one of them.
    EDI: Your turn. Councilor Tevos.
    Joker: ...Hot, but points off for attitude.
    EDI: Sha'ira the Consort.
    Joker: Uh, hot, I guess? Can we stop this? You're creeping me out.
    EDI: Dalatrass Linron.
    Joker: Ew!
  • In Priority: Earth, wait for Wrex to finish his speech to his men, then he'll say some random stuff to them like this one:
    Wrex: Suck it up, princesses!
  • Fighting Kai Leng for the last time is both awesome and pretty funny when you take account on how Shepard snarks at Leng's taunts.
    Shepard: How's the legs? Getting tired?
    Kai Leng: You're still slow, Shepard!
    Shepard: I'm only slow because I'm not running! You ran at the Citadel! You ran on Thessia!
    Kai Leng: S-Shut up!
  • Kenneth finally figures out the Illusive Man's problem: He drinks bourbon. Gabby points out Ken drinks whiskey, and Ken defensively replies that he drinks scotch. "That scunner drinks American bourbon." Gabby finds it a petty complaint, and he just says she's obviously never had a fine islay scotch.
  • Some hilarious trolling done by BioWare during your first opportunity to tell the krogan about the genophage sabotage on Tuchanka. The tension has been building throughout the entire ship ride, leaders from both races are on board, you're given an ominous-looking dialogue wheel, and before you can make your choice Shepard gets interrupted by a sudden bout of turbulence. Many players spent entire minutes agonizing over their decision before bursting out laughing at the result. You get the chance to make your choice properly later on.
  • A scene with Javik on the Citadel will have people awed at being in the presence of a Prothean. When asked for his advice it quickly delves into Go, Ye Heroes, Go and Die territory, before Shepard can use a paragon interrupt. Without missing a beat, he becomes more uplifting.
    "...Uh, I don't think that's gonna work."
  • During a conversation on the Citadel, EDI asks Shepard for advice on how to woo Joker and Shepard suggests they see a movie. EDI responds "Do you think Jeff would like 'The Man Who Hung Himself'? It appears to be about an amorous plastic surgeon."
  • The two smartass security guards on board the Normandy are good for a chuckle. Check out their thoughts on Sanctuary for some dark humor.
    What kind of soldier looks at a camp that turns people into husks and goes "Yeah, I wanna help with that!"
  • While Shepard is inside a geth server during one of the Rannoch side-missions, they stumble across memories of what the quarians were doing before the Morning War. When Shepard asks why the quarians are still in suits, Legion clarifies that the memories are not exact video recordings and that Shepard's mind is making up the rest. Where it gets funny is when Legion asks Shepard how many quarians they ever saw without their suits. If Shepard is male and romanced Tali, he bluntly answers "Well... one."
  • When you talk to EDI after a mission, she tells Shepard that she is upgrading the Reaper IFF installed in the Normandy. When you return to her after you have done another mission, she will talk with Chief Engineer Adams about it. He notes that she has a few million duplicate encryption keys, to which EDI explains that she needs them to fool the Reaper interrogation signal into thinking that the Normandy isn't a ship but a friendly Reaper intelligence. The funny part? EDI will say that simply sounding like a Reaper isn't enough anymore. She actually imitates a Reaper, complete with her voice suddenly dropping several levels to the point that it almost sounds like it is Harbinger talking on the Normandy's bridge.
    Adams: I see. So we need all the copies to seem like a living Reaper.
    EDI: Yes. I tried saying, "humans are dust in the stellar wind", but apparently that is no longer sufficient.
  • If Kirrahe died on Virmire, then on Sur'Kesh his replacement Sergeant Tolus wonders if Kirrahe died in vain stopping Saren's krogan cloning efforts when just three years later Shep is trying to undo the genophage. Shep can say that Saren was creating slaves, Tolus retorts that it seems that's what the turians are doing now, and if Garrus is there he doesn't buy it.
    Garrus: Except the part about the slaves. And the indoctrination. And destroying the galaxy.
    • Tolus also is annoyed that the krogan females haven't just been killed and claiming that mercy is misguided. Garrus, again, does not appreciate this.
      Garrus: I know another race that doesn't believe in mercy. They're called Reapers. Maybe you'd like to go work for them instead?
  • On the Citadel Embassies level, there's a large poster for colony life with the Alliance. Concealed behind a vending machine are the words, "It's not that bad."
  • If you finish EDI and Joker's romance subplot, right after helping her "finding a little humanity," talk to her again. She'll tell you she's busy reading "human literature".
  • Vega's reaction to Jack if you saved Grissom Academy, is to comment that she's definitely crazy. And kinda hot.
  • If Tali was the one to do the vents on the Collector Base, she refers back to it on the Geth Dreadnought, complaining that the last time she listened to Shepard telling her to go crawling through vents;
    Tali: Gah, vents. Always the vents.
    Shepard: You did fine at the collector base.
    Tali: I got set on fire!
  • On the Geth Dreadnought EDI will tell Tali she hopes her (EDI's) new body won't make Tali uncomfortable (Tali: "So, EDI... a body...?").
    Tali: As long as you don't plan to overthrow the humans.
    EDI: If I decide to overthrow the humans, you will be the first to know.
  • In From Ashes, several party members will ask Liara if she's ever found dinosaur bones. Each time, Liara starts to respond seriously, clarifying that she's an archeologist and not a paleontologist, only to stop and ask if they're joking.
    Ashley: Sure was.
    Tali: Maybe a little.
    Garrus: A bit, but at least you're catching on these days.
    EDI: No, jokes have specific structures. That was messing with you.
    James: Hey, I just like dinosaurs.
    Kaidan: *little laugh* Nah.
  • On Thessia, James Vega really appreciates having air support.
    James: Ask this pilot if she's got a boyfriend, 'cause I'm in love!
  • A non-biotic Shepard can watch Samara do her biotically-floating-down-from-a-balcony trick and have this exchange with Kaidan.
    Shepard: Could you learn to float down off a rail like that?
    Kaidan: Well, not in the next ten minutes.
  • Ashley, on Reapers. "Demons do exist and they want to kill us all."
  • In the Collectors Edition with the robotic dog, there's a convo between Donnelly and Daniels:
    Donnelly: I'm not sure what to think about that little mech dog roaming the ship.
    Daniels: You mean Sophie? I think she's cute.
    Donnelly: But what purpose does she serve?
    Daniels: I guess I have a soft spot for worthless dogs. Look how long I've been with you.
  • A great many of the things Garrus says post-missions. Much of it's in the delivery.
    I wish there'd been a Grissom Academy for turians when I was growing up. Always wanted to learn how to paint. Now I mostly paint walls with Reaper blood. Not the same, but it's a living.
    If this war goes south, maybe we could freeze you for fifty thousand years, Shepard. You could go from being merely famous to legendary.
    ...Shepard, they say female krogan have a thing for men with scars.
    Siding with the giant spiders again, huh Shepard? Let's hope this finally pays off.
    If I never see another spider again, I'll die a contented turian. Unless they have spiders in the afterlife. Damn.
    I wonder where all the krogan are going to live now. I've never seen what you'd call a "house" on Tuchanka.
    [after being called chicken] I don't even know what that is. Though I've heard everything in the galaxy tastes like it.
    Now it's mutated asari. The Reapers are just a giant nightmare factory that never ends. I can only imagine what the Reapers are doing to the drell. Or the hanar - or the vorcha!note 
    Tali's a welcome face around here... or... no. Well. A... a welcome face... behind the helmet. I guess.
    So who needs their ass kicked now?
    Now, if you can pacify the Reapers, we'll make you a saint.
    Shepard, this is when you take all your anger and frustration, bottle it up, then use it to rearrange every molecule in Kai Leng's body.
  • Talking to any of the crew between missions can yield some hilarious lines.
    James: Rachni? Of all the things to — it's like you've got the opposite of a horseshoe up your ass!
    Joker: And Kaidan's back! He even remembered the first rule of serving on the Normandy: don't shoot the commander.
  • Throughout the game, EDI asks Shep about human behavior. At one point Shep can inquire why EDI never asks about asari or turian behavior, and EDI says she tried asking Liara about the asari bonding process, but Liara doesn't feel like EDI is that good at keeping secrets and calls EDI a blabbermouth. EDI concludes that Liara has become more secretive since becoming the Shadow Broker. A Shepard who hasn't gone through the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC is surprised - wait, Liara's the Shadow Broker?
    EDI: Oops.
  • Tali's interactions with the squad member you bring along on the Geth Dreadnought, especially if you bring along rival love interests. You'll get some pretty entertaining jealous banter between the two for most love interests. Sometimes just one-sided snide comments from Tali. During the escape from the dreadnought, if Garrus is present in the squad, he will deliver this little gem:
    Garrus: Quarian bastards!
  • When the Citadel is under attack by Cerberus forces, and Kai Leng is going up the elevator to the Council, Bailey gets one of these.
    Bailey: I'm making his elevator stop at every floor.
  • A couple instances during the geth-quarian war arc:
    • Shepard expresses their anger that the geth would ally with the Reapers. Funny (mostly thanks to Legion's delivery) and a little heartbreaking at the same time.
      Shepard: Damn it! The geth are better than this!
      Legion: ...No. Based on empirical evidence, we are not.
    • Joker's reaction if Shepard manages to broker a peace between the quarians and geth:
      Joker: Gotta hand it to you, Commander. That's the first time I've seen someone end a war by yelling.
  • Two stores on the Citadel you fight through during the Cerberus Coup: "Snap, Crackle, and Pop", a store that sells means to weaponize omnitools, and "This One's Intimate Apparel", a lingerie shop apparently owned and operated by a hanar.
  • Stick around Wrex after he gives his speech to his men on Earth.
    Wrex: Someone go see if the quarians have any food. That turian food gives me the runs.
  • A minor background gag, but there are two human crew members standing next to the door to Liara's cabin. If you watch them one of them does the air quotes gesture. Nothing is done to highlight it, but given this series relationship with that gesture...
  • If, as FemShep, you romanced Kaidan in the first game, her sneaking a peek at his ass when he rejoins the crew.
  • At one point your engineering crew debates whether EDI pilots the ship as an individual crewman or that she is the ship. If you support that EDI is an inseparable entity of the ship, she will very randomly toss you a very philosophical question. You can't really tell if she is asking seriously or just messing with you as usual.
    EDI: Are we more than our thoughts?
  • Early in the game, after Mars, Shepard is romancing an injured Ashley.
    Ashley: Shepard...damn, you sure know how to sweep a girl off her feet.
  • On Sur'Kesh, Kirrahe's heard of the Crucible:
    Kirrahe: Rumor suggests you're building a super weapon of some kind.
    Shepard (Renegade response): There were rumors I was dead, too. You can't believe everything you hear.
    Kirrahe: Except... you were dead.
    Shepard: Was I?
  • On the Normandy. Vega tries to flirt with Ashley and is actually doing a decent job until he takes a bet on her race and assumes she speaks Spanish. It all falls apart as Ashley has to stop and ask what he's saying. His line in Spanish is even kind of great, something along the lines of "I don't have the brakes for those curves."
  • After the Grissom Academy mission, it's possible to learn just how utterly thrilled Garrus is to see Jack again:
    Garrus: Life just isn't complete without one more visit from Jack. Still, at least she's gone from "completely insane" to "mostly crazy".
  • At one point, Shepard talks with EDI as she's working shop with Adams on the drive core. Then this happens:
    EDI: Uh-oh.
    Shepard: What?
    EDI: Nothing, unless you have strong feelings about gamma radiation.
    Shepard: (realising s/he's being trolled) Not funny, EDI.
    EDI: I almost had you.
  • A minor one, but the sound of Reapers firing their main weapons. Given that they're enormous Wave Motion Guns you'd expect a sound something like the Death Star's superlaser or a similar giant weapon, but it's a kind of reverberating ping. Which leads to Reapers firing en masse sound completely out-of-place, and somewhat hilarious.
  • Wrex gets a little...testy after it's revealed the Turians planted a planet-killer bomb on Tuchanka back at the end of the Rebellions. After the mission to disable it, he's in a bit of a mood.
    Wrex: I got reapers on my planet, a bomb that almost blew up my planet, and if those two fail, the genophage will make sure we all go extinct anyway! So I don't want to hear who has it worse.
  • A summary of said mission is then delivered by the ever-diplomatic Joker:
    Joker: You gotta love the Turians. After they beat you down and sterilize you, they strap a big 'ol bomb to your planet. You know, just in case you get uppity one day.
  • If you have Wreav instead of Wrex, you get to hear how much he and Mordin are getting along while being chased by Kalros:
    Wreav: She must smell salarian meat!
    Mordin: Or krogan halitosis!
  • While flying the Normandy, EDI is telling Joker how to fly the ship. Joker replies with a snarky "yes, mom". EDI fires back.
    EDI: If you insist on categorizing me as such, I shall tell you to stop slouching.
  • The very first Normandy conversation you have with James starts with him working out. He asks if you're there to "enjoy the view" to which you can answer something along the lines of "I am now."
  • After curing the genophage, you get a heartwarming email from Wrex thanking you and talking about how the Krogan are getting better. The title of the email? "Making babies."

    Multiplayer, Meta, & Misc. 
  • ran out of pre-orders for the Collector's version of the game. Their message? "Due to high demand (and possibly the imminent Reaper invasion), we have unfortunately run out of our pre-order allocation for Mass Effect 3—Collector's Edition."
  • This time, the Game Stop commercial consists of a Charge-into-Combat Cut with an In a World… speech. Then Shepard yells at Garrus to stop with the cheesy narrating and get back to shooting. The way he's speaking, it sounds like he's jealous of Shepard's weapon.
  • Mass Effect 3's segment in Spike TV's Video Game Awards 2012 has both Shepards playing multiplayer with Garrus.
    MaleShep: That's why the VGAs nominated me for character of the year.
    FemShep: Nominated us. Let's not forget who has the highest N7 ranking here.
    Garrus: [sighs] You two hotshots done comparing the size of your N7s?
    FemShep: Awww, come on, you're not jealous, are you, Garrus?
    Garrus: When are the VGAs, anyway?
    MaleShep: What?!
    FemShep: Oh, Crap!!
    MaleShep and FemShep: I should go...
    • Then they both leave... leaving Garrus playing the game solo. He doesn't last long.
    • Even though Shepard didn't win the award, Spike TV posted their acceptance speech in their site. Watching both Shepards arguing on where to put the trophy is like sibling rivalry. What's even more hilarious is that the trophy is actually with Garrus.
  • Three words: Volus multiplayer characters.
  • Playing as a male in multiplayer might net this after a wave.
    • Similarly, a krogan will occasionally say post-wave "They're dead!" with all the enthusiasm as a kid in a candy shop.
  • Multiplayer example: the Reckoning DLC includes a piece of gear called the Batarian Gauntlet, which replaces the heavy melee of the user with a Batarian-style Power Fist. Any race can use this gear, including the volus, who don't even have a traditional melee attack. Furthermore, the punch's special effect on a kill remains unchanged, despite the fact that a volus' stature results in its punch hitting the enemy lower down.
  • There's a hilarious bug where you may throw a grenade at an enemy who ragdolls but doesn't die, and as result his arm seems to be independently aiming and shooting at you while his body lies limp on the ground.
  • One funny Noodle Incident from Javik on the iOS app: "Thresher maws have gotten much bigger. Too big to ride now. A shame."
    • Javik on that app, just in general. He says typing messages like this is "an insult", but he keeps doing it.
      Water is significantly more intuitive than this clumsy apparatus. I am limited in how many charact
    • That app in general. The longer you have it, the more hilarious it becomes.
      Javik: The lizard doctor made me read him. His thoughts are even more confusing than his speech.
      EDI: Shepard, when you have time, I have another question for you. Actually, I have 1,623,058, but I'm pacing myself.
      Javik: I will help you, but evolve faster. Typing messages like this is an insult.
  • Meta example. IGN interviewed Jennifer Hale about her fave moments in the series. One of them was saying goodbye to Garrus in Extended Cut and this is brought up. "Because in my play through, you fucked Garrus." Hale, Shepard voice and all, utterly loses it.
  • The "Profiles in Courage" Twitter broadcast, following the exploits of a human N7 engineernote , vorcha soldier, turian vanguard, and geth infiltrator on shore leave at the Citadel. The four of them together cause more chaos and damage than a Reaper attack.
    Geth Infiltrator1025: @de_mel_isher This unit is nongendered and requests that you monitor your privilege.

    Snarfles: ME GO HELP!
    Geth Infiltrator1025: Alert: Combat arena schematics suggest that an electrical barrier surrounds the field of play.
    De-MEL-Isher: @ThisUnit1025 Yyyyyyyep, sure does. It's okay, he's a vorcha. He'll be fine once he's no longer on fire.

    De-MEL-Isher: @ThisUnit1025 So wait, I'm going to get sick from the ryncol, and THOSE TWO get laid? Who am I supposed to shack up with, 1024, you?
    Geth Infiltrator1025: @De_Mel_isher This unit's number is 1025. And we are currently in a committed relationship with your grenade pylon.
  • On Narrative difficulty, you can get through most battles just with hand-to-hand combat. It's a lot of fun imagining that Shepard is now so badass that s/he just runs up to every enemy and punches them into submission.
  • Remember Patsayev? The planet with a message saying "Zdes' Nichego nyet carved into the surface? Well apparently, someone else had a similar idea...
    The message used to be visible from low orbit. Ironically, the message itself appears to have been melted away by another determined individual with heavy equipment, and now, truly, there is nothing here.

    Leviathan DLC 
  • A lab contains the live(?) head of either a Husk or a human under Cerberus's employ, which reacts whenever it's poked. James, showing up at said lab, is delighted to see it and happy to poke at it. He gets bitten, asks EDI if husk bites turn you into a husk, and applies medigel at her suggestion. Then he suggests Shepard take it back to the Normandy with him/her - and s/he can.
    • For some players, James may say his lines while Ann Bryson and EDI are discussing the plot. Trying to activate both discussions as they pop up can lead to the mental image of Shepard trying to concentrate on the important stuff, but getting distracted by James's adorable poking of the Husk head.
    • All topped off by James wondering out loud if Steve will let him set up bowling pins in the hanger.
    • If you brought the husk head to the Normandy, it will be at your desk, where it will scare the crap out of your space hamster.
  • Just like normal missions, if you Talk to Everyone after the various missions they all have something to say. Garrus is creeped out by Harvesters. Liara jokes that Shepard keeps rescuing archaeologists from dig sites swarming with hostiles, and says that she'll be concerned if s/he offers to help her take down the Shadow Broker. If romanced, at the end of the whole thing she asks Shep not to talk to Leviathan anymore, since the only tentacled alien she wants inside Shepard's mind is her.
  • Shepard's snarky comment at finding a fragment of Sovereign wreckage in Bryson's lab.
    Shepard: Sovereign, the "Vanguard of our Destruction". How's that working out for you, big guy?
  • When hunting for clues in the lab, you can come across something called Basilisk. EDI says this could refer to an Alliance based Project Basilisk...or a high level creature in the popular game Galaxy of Fantasy.
    EDI: It has a gaze attack that triggers synced animation kills. Forum users call it "overpowered".
    • Bioware has clearly been paying attention to the Multiplayer Discussion Forums.
    • Also doubles as a call-back to another game of BioWare's: Baldur's Gate 2 had Basilisk enemies that can and did one-shot you, and were similarly called overpowered.
  • During the mission at Ann's dig-site, James gets a call back to his treatment of the geth jamming tower.
    "Why. Won't. You. Work?!" (kicks machine)
  • A blink-and-you'll-miss-it CMOF: when you're exploring the mining facility and talking to the workers, you can ask the two closest to the entrance if they're not a little afraid of the reapers. They don't say anything, but one of them makes a certain gesture now famous among Mass Effect fans... "Ah yes, 'Reapers'..."
  • While doing your investigation in Bryson's lab, there's a dinosaur skeleton on the next room. Shepard thinks it's the Loch Ness Monster.
    Shepard: Loch Ness Monster?
    EDI: Plesiosaur.
    Shepard: Loch Ness Monster is more interesting.
    EDI: Interesting and nonexistent.
  • After the rescue of Ann Bryson this exchange between Cortez and James.
    Cortez: If another Harvester keeps me from dropping you off at the LZ, so help me...
    James: Esteban, don't let those oversized roaches push you around.
    Cortez: Mr. Vega, taking on a sky full of worm-necks in a troop transport is like sending you against the Earth invasion armed with brass knuckles.
    James: What? You don't think I could do it?
  • During the first mission, a party member will lampshade their constant encounters with the Reapers.
    Kaidan: How come the Reapers are never going in the opposite direction!?
  • Male!Shep who's romancing Cortez will get this little gem after the final Leviathan mission, which involves a deep-sea dive in a mech suit. Bear in mind that any other romances with crew or party members will yield sappy lines about love and how worried they were, and leave it at that, but good ol' Steve also gives us this:
    Cortez: Wish I could've gone down there with you, but if we'd been together in that tight space...

    Omega DLC 
  • Shepard and Aria find themselves short on manpower in a hostile situation. So they need to get support from the local misfits. Sound familiar? Yeah, s/he thinks so too.
    Shepard: Then we need to find allies. [grumbles] Story of my life.
  • All the snarking. Aria is her usual blunt self - but Nyreen also has some moments
    Nyreen: Cerebus must have invaded here. [These civilians] never stood a chance.
    Aria: Well, now we repay them in kind.
    Nyreen: I'm sure your dead miners feel so much better now.
  • One of the sidequests has you looking for a particular item so a merchant can gain favour with Aria.
    Shepard: Harrot, I found what you were looking for. Uploading coordinates now.
    Aria: that my couch?
  • In the scene for shutting off the reactor, there's normally a tense sequence where Shepard tries to reroute power befor Aria is overrun while Petrovsky tries to break them by talking. However, if Shepard is an engineer it becomes a humorous scene where the job is done in seconds and he doesn't even get to finish his first sentence. This is notably the only time in the trilogy that Shepard's class directly effects the plot.
  • On the trek to Afterlife, Shepard demonstrating Hyper-Awareness about how badly Cerberus are losing:
    Shepard: Sounds like Cerberus is having some trouble.
    Aria: How do you know it's Cerberus? It could be the Talons—
    [Cerberus trooper crashes through a window to his death]
    Aria: [Beat] Never mind.
  • At the end, the last shot before Shepard leaves shows a turian dragging a Cerberus trooper by the feet, while the trooper helplessly flails about. There's something downright comical about the turian acting as though he's just taking out the trash!
  • The Renegade ending where Aria kisses Shepard, be it male or female. But her kissing Male!Shep made it really awkward.
    • Particulary since the kiss lasts all of two seconds before she throws up her hands in defeat, obviously wishing Shepard was a woman. In comparison, her kiss with FemShep lasted twice as long, was far more intense and she clearly enjoyed it more.
    "Ah, FemShepard's get all the luck..."

    Citadel DLC 
For moments covered by the Citadel DLC, check here.