- Galasso: Bow before me, your master! The name's Galasso, boy. Learn it, for it is the name of your doom.\\ Ethan: Sir, this is just a toy store.
Egolomaniacal, hammy, and downright deranged, Galasso is the supposedly menacing but really just kinda weird owner of Shortpacked!, convinced that running the store will somehow lead to world domination. The number of things he understands beyond the narrow scope of his goals can be counted on one hand, with gender, sexuality and ethnicity being beyond what his mind can grasp. Deep down, he cares about the store, though his concern for any of the folks in it is debatable at best.
Has a daughter named Conquest, somehow. He continually tries to get her to sire him an heir. More on her later.
- Artistic License Biology: No, Galasso, another woman cannot, in fact, impregnate your daughter.
- Asexuality: Mainly due to a lack of knowledge of any other options. He can't even tell a male and female apart, and Leslie and Ethan have to give him The Talk (it doesn't go too well). No one's really sure where his daughter Conquest came from, in-universe or out.
- Crazy-Prepared: "Never presume a man does not have box cutters at his disposal!"
- Dead Guy on Display: Galasso wants this done after he dies.Ethan: May you live forever, sir.
- Evil Overlord: At least he thinks he is. That his "domain" is just a freakin' toy store doesn't seem to register.
- Expy: Galasso is pretty much Ra's Al Ghul (with a bit of Norman Osborn thrown in for good measure.)
- Hidden Depths: Losing Pamela, Conquest's mother, affected him far more than he lets on and was the motivation behind researching the tech to bring people back from the dead (which ironically can't bring her back).
- It's especially apparent in the "Last Temptation of Leslie Bean" story. Seeing the respect Galasso has for Leslie, his encouragement of her, and his reasons why really fleshes out his character a lot.
- I Want Grandkids: He wants someone—anyone—to impregnate his daughter.
- Large Ham: Oh sweet Chesus yes."GALASSO'S ASSEMBLED AN ARMY OF CANNON-WIELDING HAMSTERS!"
- Mad Scientist: Has somehow brought Ronald Reagan and Jesus of Nazareth Back from the Dead (or rather cloned in Jesus' case).
- Only One Name: According to Word of God, his birth name is unknown even to him, and he took Pamela's last name as his own when they got married.
- Overprotective Dad: Inverted. Galasso demands of anyone who's listening that they please, for the love of God, have sex with his daughter.
- Parental Substitute: Leslie acknowledges him as such at one point, though he has to ask her about it first. It isn't really touched on anywhere else."Is Galasso insufficiently parental?"
- Sanity Slippage: Several weeks locked up in the storeroom sends an already nutty man madder, to the extent he believes he's the general of a small nation, with his "people" being boxes and an overly-large calculator.
- Small Name, Big Ego: Convinced his toy store is an empire, his employees are his minions, and that he will inevitably end up ruling the world.
- Miko's the best part of that show! There's just something about her that speaks to me. The lack of boundaries for her over-the-top behavior is the catalyst for half of everything that happens on that show. Thank god she never learns anything and the rest of the cast is so forgiving.
The ultimate Manchild—loaded with energy, little/no regard for personal boundaries, impulsive with money, and pretty much completely lacking in emotional maturity. She means well, certainly, but her insistence on everything playing out like an over-the-top sitcom more often than not causes more trouble than it fixes. While not a nerd per se, having spent almost a decade with Ethan and Amber as her closest friends means she's picked up a fair amount.
Former California representative in Congress through no fault of her own; superpowered war hero, current lover of Leslie Bean. Also the cause of the comic's Cerebus Syndrome via her pulling of the Drama Tag.
- Amazingly Embarrassing Parents: Decades into the future, she recounts to her kids how she gave birth to them at super-speed.
- Bait-and-Switch Lesbians: Subverted—Robin tries to make Ethan jealous by pretending she is a lesbian, but it only irritates him. Is later shown to have actual attraction to girls.
- Berserk Button / Big Damn Heroes: She shows up to stop Head Alien from killing Leslie, and does she ever look pissed. Leslie wakes up in the next strip to find the fight's already over, Robin having cut him into sixteen pieces and thrown them into different dead universes.
- Caffeine Bullet Time: Robin is so hyper already that enough sugar causes her to black out for several months, and when she wakes up, she's a member of the House of Representatives. Funny thing is, she's continued serving for the rest of the decade, despite spending most of her time at Shortpacked!.
- Converted Fangirl: Robin demonstrates increased pop-cultural awareness over the course of the series, due to spending neigh-on a decade working at a toy store and having nerds as her closest friends.
- Express Delivery: Gave birth to Abby, Gabby and Tabby in one panel after carrying them for only three weeks.
- Friends Are Chosen, Family Aren't: Robin's upbringing has given her a reflexive aversion to "capital-F families" and a lifelong dream of living with people she can choose.
- Genki Girl: Filled with energy to the point where it's her superpower.
- If It's You, It's Okay: Robin, towards Leslie, as she confides to Ken here. She also had at least one pre-Leslie girlcrush— Amber.
- Jumped at the Call: Compared to the rest of the abductees, anyway. She snuck onto the Head Alien's ship and demanded powers, specifically the super speed she's known for.
- Knight of Cerebus: She becomes this unintentionally when she pulls the Drama Tag. Her attempts to prevent the spread of drama are futile.
- Let's Get Dangerous!: Putting Leslie in actual danger causes Robin to switch from being comic relief to the most badass member of the cast.
- Love Chart: After Head Alien warned her about impending Cerebus Syndrome and "love pentagons", she drew one on a wheeled chalkboard to keep track of the store's drama. It's popped up occasionally ever since.
- Meta Guy: She refuses to engage in any political commentary during her time as a Representative, actively charts the comic's Love Dodecahedron, knows that Head Alien II "speaks in orange", and mentions tropes by name. But the real kicker is when she unwittingly becomes the comic's Knight of Cerebus, pulling the Drama Tag when she realizes her new surroundings are lighter, softer, and consequence-free:Robin: Before I moved here, there was danger. People died. I lived on the edge of my seat. B-but I've been here a year and I got it all figgured out. Nothing happens here. Ever. There's no Love Triangles. Only people nobody ever saw before get fired. Just you watch. Here I am, gone totally bonkers, and this will all end on a joke.
- Manic Pixie Dream Girl: Subverted; Robin's attempts at this usually just wind up annoying the crap out of people.
- Neologizer: She expresses her dislike for things by saying they're "totally babies" (or, if it's really bad, "it's so babies, it's babies Macintyre!"), despite Ultra Car telling her that this won't become a thing, however much she says it. It catches on among Shortpacked fans, but not so much in the strip itself.
- Not Distracted by the Sexy: Leslie tried, but Robin was too frazzled to notice the sexy underwear.
- Obfuscating Stupidity: Hinted at in an early strip with Thad, that some of Robin's ditzy behaviour is trying to blend in at Shortpacked. On the other hand, it probably isn't.
- Violently Protective Girlfriend: Curbstomps Head Alien so fast it happens completely offscreen, then distributes his remains across dead universes before he can regenerate.
- Do they not realize to truly be ninja you must speak "-chan" after every other noun??
He's fixated on ninjas, ninja-based manga, etc. Has a fetish for Asian girls, and ninjas.
- Ephebophile: Totally comfortable with the age difference between him and Malaya (age 23) because he's used to perving over girls ten years younger than her from his favorite anime.
- Hidden Depths: Is, surprisingly, actually competent in battle.
- Occidental Otaku: A parody. He knows nothing of Japan beyond anime, as most shown by his Gratuitous Japanese.
- Race Fetish: For Asians, even extending to Malaya who is Filipino and ten years younger than him, not that he cares, and also arguably to Faz, the only person he's confirmed to have slept with.
- Raised by Wolves: According to this comic, he was raised by a Betamax of Fist of the North Star.
- Satellite Character: He appears in very few strips with an active role and hasn't even appeared in most of the cast portraits in the page banner over the years. Notably, he hasn't appeared in Dumbing of Age at all (Even Reagan got a cameo as Mary's poster) and in the monthly Patreon poll for which character gets an extra strip, Willis specifically names Ninja Rick when reminding people of the 'no characters that haven't appeared' rule.
- The Stoic / The Silent Bob: Rarely says much or changes facial expressions.
- Weapon of Choice: His katana.
- Yeah, okay, so my weakness is messed-up lesbian relationships...in fiction.
Probably the closest thing Shortpacked! has to a sane person at the moment, Leslie is characterized by her neigh-infinite patience and love of sci-fi. She was disowned by her ultra conservative father for (you guessed it) being a lesbian, having come out four months into her marriage to a dude.
As mentioned, is the current lover of Robin, and probably Amber's closest friend besides Ethan.
- Abusive Parents: Leslie was also disowned by her parents when she came out of the closet.
- Ascended Extra: Pretty much the queen of this. Introduced as the punchline to a joke, and grew into essentially the lead character after Ethan left.
- Berserk Button: The only time Leslie is seen to be disdainful is when religion is brought up—she instantly lowers her brow and goes into Deadpan Snarker mode. (Though she did start screaming about the Star Trek reboot one time.)
- Telling her that you murdered an alternate reality version of Robin seems to be one too. How mad is she? She's actually trying to murder the guy who did it.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Is the sanest and most rational member of the cast, but get her angry, and she will send you flying, as Sydney Yus found out.
- Closet Key: Robin's first girl-crush was Amber, but it's Leslie who made her realize this and start considering that she might not be straight.
- Extreme Doormat: Was this in the early days to Robin, but even when getting past that she tends to avoid conflict and is extremely slow to anger.
- Fangirl: Of Star Wars (and Star Trek, and Back to the Future). She figured out she was gay thanks to Return of the Jedi.
- Minion with an F in Evil: Sort of. Leslie isn't very good at doing hurtful things or pulling off wacky hijinks. Not that she tries very often, but when she does, she's not great at it.
- Satellite Character: Lampshaded by Head Alien II, who called her nothing more interesting than being "Robin's hanger-on." However, by the time he said this, Leslie had had several years of character development and considerable time apart from Robin so that it was no longer true.
- What Does She See in Him?: Occurs during Leslie and Malaya's brief relationship, since Leslie is literally the only person in the main cast that could stand being around her. Unfortunately this backfires on Robin when she accuses Malaya of not being sincere in dating Leslie, since she comes off as overly controlling and selfish.
- Don't you dare tell anyone I made that for you. Anyone. Or that I can sew. Don't want anyone to think they fuckin' know me. But you can.
Malaya was pressured into applying to work at Shortpacked! by her roommates after six months of unemployment, which she resisted at first due to an overwhelming hatred of anything nerdy. One of these roommates was Ken, who had a crush on her and was hoping that she'd notice him more if they worked together. Unfortunately, she instead discovered Leslie.
Whereas Mike pulls off the Heroic Comedic Sociopath side of Jerk with a Heart of Jerk, Malaya plays the more dramatic side of it. She tends to alienate and belittle everyone around her except Leslie and Ultra Car, the latter of whom shares her misanthropic world view.
Had a brief childhood history and almost hook-up with Jason from Multiplex. Currently the girlfriend of Ultra Car.
- Alpha Bitch: Malaya has shades of having been one or having wanted to be one and is still largely locked in a high-school worldview of who is and isn't a worthwhile person.
- Armor-Piercing Question: To Leslie.
- Asian and Nerdy: Averted, and she'd punch you in the face for assuming it. Seriously:"Hey, so this dude in 14C said I looked like I knew what a "Backy Gon" is, and so I decked that motherfucker."
- Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: To Leslie. Dialed down a little since she realized she wasn't into girls, but she still treats her nicer than most of the rest of the cast.
- Hidden Depths: When she was still interested in Leslie, she displayed surprising empathy with her over her parents disowning her.
- Laser-Guided Karma: After so many barbs about other people's weight and a looks-based sense of superiority, guess whose metabolism caught up with her once she hit 23? (Guess who also got an Ignored Epiphany in the process.)
- Jerk with a Heart of Jerk: Malaya really is just that bitter deep down. Gaining weight did not help.
- Jumping the Gender Barrier: Played with; she tried to do this with Leslie, but decided she was straight after a Test Kiss failed. Then Ultra Car happened...
- Tsundere: "Tsun" to almost everyone, "dere" towards Leslie and later Ultra Car.
- Arnold: Don't worry, Ken. She'll come around.
Arnold: No, you're an idiot. Stop barking up the bitch tree.
Originally brought in to replace Jacob when he was in a downward spiral of addiction and when Galasso decided he needed to fill a racial quota more in line with the local demographics. When the drama surrounding him, Jacob, Amber, and Faz died down, he instead transitioned to being Mayala's unwanted Dogged Nice Guy. Since then, he's developed a little bit by showing that he's a Transformers fan as well and to a much greater extent by getting over Malaya.
He and Lucy are currently dating.
- Asian and Nerdy: He's nearly as Transformers-obsessed as Ethan and has web design experience, although Word of God says Star Wars is his favourite fandom.
- Dogged Nice Guy: To Malaya, much to her disgust. Their roommate Arnold told him to "stop barking up the bitch tree."
- Flat Character: Lampshaded for a while by the Running Gag that no one remembered his name and instead called him by the name of some other Street Fighter character.
- Oh, Crap!: When Arnold informs him about the NSA's spying via laptop computers. Why? Because when no-one else is around, he sings "Let It Go" off-key, over and over.
- Operation: Jealousy: Subverted to hell and back. Ken asks out Conquest to try to make Malaya, who has absolutely no feelings for him, jealous. Surprisingly, she accepts and in fact fully intends to have sex with him from the beginning. After some deliberation on whether or not to "betray" Malaya he goes through with it. Not only does the situation help him get over Malaya, but she actually gets a little jealous once he stops paying attention to her.
- Satellite Character: Beyond his initial two gags (the race quota and Malaya's wannabe boyfriend), he really only appeared in a few strips related to Ethan's toy collecting, and he didn't appear in the main cast photo in the banner. With the departure of Ethan, Mike, and Amber from the store, though, he's now up on the banner, and he may have a chance to grow out of this trope.
- Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Before Ethan left he was a minor character. Now that he's gone he's basically morphed into a straight, Asian version of Ethan.
- I got called stupid by other people for thinking my "dumb-cartoon knock-off" version was worthwhile. But now I've decided I don't care. I like superheroes, I like them my way, and I will happily sell them to little girls at a toy store, and I am impervious to the judgments of jerkwads.
During her youth, she was an avid fan of the Teen Titans cartoon, gaining inspiration from Starfire. She was disappointed by her characterization in DC books, but remains interested in superheroes. Lucy became Amber's replacement at the San Francisco Shortpacked!, through which she aspires to sell superhero toys to young girls.
She and Ken are currently dating.
- Berserk Button: Call her a "fake geek girl" and get stomped on.
- Legacy Character: Subverted. It seems like she's going to be the next Amazi-Girl, but she's disturbed by the aggression the costume brings out and feels it means more to Robin than her.
- Love Triangle: Downplayed. Both Ken and Jacob were interested in her, but Jacob never really acted on it and has since moved out.
Ultra Car Rosenthal
- I'm not going to be a hybrid! ... Hybrids are snotty, insufferable vehicles who think they're better than everyone else...actually, since I am better than everyone else, I think we should make this happen immediately.
Ultra Car's history is fairly complex: she started out as an ordinary SUV belonging to one Danny Wilcox, before being fitted with artificial intelligence, flight capacity, and offensive weaponry to fight a Martian invasion by her parents Joe Rosenthal and Rachel. After being upgraded to a hybrid hatchback, they eventually shipped her over to Shortpacked! to help Robin find the Drama Tag, and she's worked in the stockroom there since. In 2013, she got a new body once again, resembling a human female.
As a machine, Ultra Car's got some strong feelings about human beings—disgusting, inferior creatures by and large only worthy of her disdain. (Or so she'd have you think, as she's displayed some signs of insecurity, and she does like some people.) To this end, she expends a lot of energy pranking people, with methods ranging from the mundane and played-out (pie to the face, tripwires) to the ludicrous (stranding people in the Amazon rainforest.) She also relates strongly to the movie Short Circuit.
Current girlfriend of Malaya.
- Artificial Intelligence/A.I. Is a Crapshoot: Ultra Car wasn't created so much as grown, and she has continued to grow over the course of the strip.
- Asexuality: Homoromantic Transchassis Asexuality, to be exact.
- Barbie Doll Anatomy: As revealed in the 4/24/14 strip, Ultra Car is completely doll-like under her clothes, and a later strip reveals that even if she were equipped with robotic sexual organs she would receive no pleasure from them.
- Daddy Issues:
- Her asexuality and outright disdain for human mating practices puts her pretty completely at odds with her creator, Joe Rosenthal, and leaves their relationship more than a little strained.
- And that's just the start: Ultracar is also more than a little worried that Joe prefers her millions of younger & sweeter (if less sophisticated) siblings, and even suspicious of Joe's motives for allowing her to move to San Francisco. In later comics we learn that UC identifies much more closely with her other creator Rachel.
- Enfante Terrible: By human standards, she'd be a minor, and she's a vicious kid. One of her first acts was trying to murder Danny for offending her. Robin even lampshades it by comparing her to Stewie Griffin.
- Fangirl: Of Short Circuit, to the extent she mails herself to Shortpacked solely to recreate the opening of the second movie.
- Inferiority Superiority Complex: Obsessed with proving her superiority over "meatsacks"...through juvenile pranks (somewhat toned down recently). She also had no idea about her polite, mass-produced brethren until Jacob specifically pointed them out, despite info about them being all over the Internet.Jacob: You were subconsciously protecting your fragile, insecure psyche?UC: I am not insecure.Jacob: You just threw a stupid cream pie at me to prove your superiority.
- Rises nearly to the level of Hypocrite when you realize that despite her oft-expressed disdain for biological reproduction Ultra Car has never referred to her parents as anything but "Dad" and "Mom"
- Jerkass: Aware and proud of it, even saving Ethan from being turned into an asshole by bumper stickers solely because "no-one out-assholes me". She destroyed his car in the process.
- Morphic Resonance: Her shift from anthropomorphic car to humanoid female leaves her with many traits indicative of her former form, amongst them dark red hair, square glasses (to resemble the headlight-eyes), and roller skates.
- Missing Mom: Losing Rachel affected Ultra Car a lot more than she was willing to admit, though it's mostly apparent in retrospect after Rachel returns.
- Pie in the Face: Damn near constantly. It's pretty much the only way she knows to act on her disdain for people (beyond dumping them in The Amazon) and it's even been treated as a compulsion.
- Purely Aesthetic Glasses: They're clear glass; she wears them because they remind her of seeing through headlights.
- Purely Aesthetic Gender: Subverted. Despite her oft-expressed disdain for meatsack reproductive biology, Ultra Car legitimately identifies as a girl and insisted that her humanoid chassis be shaped to reflect her identity.
- Retractable Appendages: Arms come out of her chest. (They used to come out of her hood.)
- Robot Girl: Her current form.
- "Second Law" My Ass!: She spends more time playing pranks and selling toys to scalpers (at several times listed price) than working. She's become marginally more productive over time.
- Transgender: Ultra Car was considered neuter and referred to with default male pronouns until she finally revealed herself as the Transchassis Robot Girl she felt like inside.
- Treasure Chest Cavity: In addition to extra arms, her chest can also hide shoplifted books.
- Younger Than They Look: Despite appearances, UC is by far the youngest member of the cast and was only about four or five years old when she first appeared, which explains a lot about her juvenile behavior, insecurity, and eventual Character Development.
Tropes that no longer apply in Ultra Car's new form:
- Flying Car: Though it's shown so rarely it's more of an informed ability in this strip. Ultra Car can apparently use her old chassis to fly if needed.
- Outnumbered Sibling: The other reason for the strain in her relationship with Joe: As the prototype, Ultra Car literally has millions of younger (and much nicer) siblings that she fears have taken her place in her father's eyes.
- Paper-Thin Disguise: As Spider-Car. It somehow managed to fool Robin, though.
- "Well Done, Son!" Guy: Ultra Car desperately wants to be assured of her father's approval, and even though Joe is unstinting (if uneffusive) in his praise it never seems to be enough for UC.
Jeshua ben Joseph / The Historical Jesus Christ
Galasso's most recent attempt at 'controversy': resurrecting the historical Jesus Christ to work at his toy store. This time, however, he may have bitten off more than he can chew.
- Flipping the Table: Well, he tries, but he's about 5'1'' and they're a lot heavier than they used to be.
- Godly Sidestep: Enforced. He's perfectly wiling to answer Mike's question about the "virgin birth" thing, but Amber tackles him to preserve the mystery.
- Jesus Was Way Cool: He's portrayed as a friendly man who spends most of his time promising nice customers that kindness is always rewarded. He has less patience for stuck-up rich guys, and is unimpressed by Ethan working on the Sabbath.
- Odd Friendship: With Leslie, the most overtly atheistic member of the cast. They bond over the hypocrisies of modern-day Evangelical Christianity.
- Thad: I think at some point your love of your hobby was replaced bit by bit by merely wanting to be better at loving your hobby than other people.
A thirty-something with a serious toy fixation, Ethan is an expert on all things Batman and Transformers and owns dozens upon hundreds of toys from each franchise. He was most often seen arguing with some of the store's dumber customers, trying in vain to sort out their myopic and under-researched views on the toy business. He was the first to tell Galasso when he's doing something stupid or evil or both, and his supposed status as Only Sane Man has inflated his ego a bit with regards to his own righteousness.
Ethan is gay, though it's not a particularly defining character point for him, and his relationships with other dudes are treated as normal by the comic.
He left the store in April 2013 due to sheer irritation at his job and the increasing profitability of his stand-up comedy.
- Author Avatar: Though Willis himself lacks most of Ethan's neurosis, they share a lot of the same pet peeves with regards to the fandom.
- Author Filibuster: Ethan is frequently used as the author's mouthpiece for ranting about Transformers fandom as well as fandom in general. He goes through a fair amount of Self-Deprecation about this, though.
- Berserk Button:
Ethan: (to Robin, after she tells him about "Razor's Edge") Leave before I destroy you.Robin: Every nerd's got a button to press.
- Ethan's is overusing "quite".
- The Beast Wars story "Razor's Edge" manages to push one of his (though it's not clear which part annoyed him more, Airrazor being alive on Cybertron before Beast Wars, or the robo-bondage bit)''.
- Characterization Marches On: Ethan started out as the Straight Man, with no real defining quirks outside of his being a fan of Batman and Transformers. But both of these elements, in combination with his Fan Hater tendencies towards members of the latter fandom, gradually turned him more self-righteous and more fanatical. While the Straight Man aspect of his character still lingers, the role's now much more likely to be filled by Leslie, Jacob or—as those two also have their fair share of quirks—a random bystander or Bit Character.
- Willis has also mentioned that he did not initially plan on Ethan being gay, even during the initial jokes about him having fantasies for male characters.
- Chosen Conception Partner: Downplayed Trope. Robin and Leslie ask him to conceive a child with them using a Super Soaker.
- Fan Dumb: Ethan's obsessions with Batman and Transformers is an In-Universe example, which mirror David Willis' own. (Specifically, he's a Fan Hater while being a member of the fandoms he hates.) Things get really surreal when Willis cameos...and gets into a brawl with Ethan over the Transformers Wiki.
- Gone Horribly Wrong: When he was a kid, Ethan was more fond of Sesame Street than his mother found comfortable, so she bought him an entire wave of Transformers toys in the hopes he'd like it. As Amber notes, it worked a little too well.
- Informed Judaism: It'll come up occasionally, mostly in comics making fun of fundamentalists, but overall we don't hear about it much. Ethan eventually mentions he's more ethnically than religiously Jewish, his parents having kept the label merely out of spite towards the people who have attempted to wipe out the Jews.
- Mistaken for Gay: Subverted—while Amber tells Robin that Ethan's gay just to rattle her, Ethan figures out he's gay when Robin confronts him about it.
- Manchild: His obsession with toys and insistence on winning arguments with the most thickheaded people qualify him for this.
- Only Sane Man: He used to be, and still can be on occasion. See Characterization Marches On.
- Straight Gay: Which only makes the fact that he immediately sets off everyone's gaydar even more baffling. At one point, Amber laments that he is not a Magical Queer.
Amber Warner (neé O'Malley)
Amber, initially, was shy, awkward and suffering from a serious inferiority complex, but has grown over the course of the comic into a strong and confident character with arguably the fewest quirks of the cast save for a mild sadistic streak. Her main nerdish tendencies are towards Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, My Little Pony and manga, with the latter being far less pronounced than the two former. She also has a sort of superhero character of her own design, Amazi-Girl, whom she dresses as occasionally (and tends to get a Moment of Awesome when she does.) She left to manage a new Shortpacked store in Denver, funded by Joe Rosenthal.
Currently married to Mike Warner, the two of whom have a kid together. See below.
- Abusive Parents: Amber suffered from self-esteem issues out the cahoozie due to a rather demanding and unforgiving father who's been shown to be physically violent. In fact, the only reason she was sad when he died was because she never got the chance to show him how much she'd grown out from under him.
- All Girls Like Ponies: "P-p-pony. Poooony."
- Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: At times. She's genuinely nice most of the time, but definitely has a sadistic streak.Ethan: I keep forgetting you're secretly evil.
- Converted Fangirl: Shown in flashbacks to have been converted by Ethan, who used My Little Pony to pull her out of a depressive funk early in their friendship.
- Fanservice Pack: Amber's successive makeovers were very successful.
- Guy-on-Guy Is Hot: Is so into this that merely picturing it causes her to to be incapable of forming coherent sentences.
- Paper-Thin Disguise: Amazi-Girl, though Robin (ever oblivious) thinks it's Ultra Car (who at the time was still a car).
- What Does She See in Him?: Jacob point blank asks Amber why she would possibly want to marry someone like Mike telling her she could do better. It might have worked if he had given her this speech a year or two ago, but by this point she's genuinely in love with him, against all odds.
- You want something horrible done to that little Faz kid. You've got a good rep and believe in "principles", so you're asking me to do it, since I like to be a jerk. And just in case it turns out I need a motive, you're hoping to push the idea that I'm aiding in your moral corruption, and that I will find that idea appealing. But [you're forgetting] that I can be an even bigger asshole by not only leaving Faz alone, but pointing you're going down that path already merely by asking me this favor.
Jerk with a Heart of Jerk, and that jerk has a heart of jerk too. He specializes in making people feel awful about themselves, though when he doesn't have any dirt to use a Groin Attack or Your Mom joke will do in a pinch.
Becomes nice when drunk. Amber found this out, and blackmailed him into dating her. From there, the relationship grew into something far more genuine, and Mike's become capable of actually being nice to her. The two now are married and have a kid.
- Back from the Dead: Died at the end of It's Walky!, and his resurrection was deliberately left unexplained for eight years afterwards. Around 2012 more and more hints began piling up, eventually leading to the reveal that Joyce arranged for his resurrection with stolen resurrection-chamber blueprints and a few calls to a non-government tech agency, as repayment for his death saving her life.
- Hidden Depths: Buried at least six feet under, but they're there all the same. His first words to Donna Mae are informing her that "fighting aliens was less scary [than her delivery]".
- Locked Out of the Loop: When the others locked Galasso up in the store-room, they tried to keep Mike out of the loop. He eventually revealed he already knew.
- Not Distracted by the Sexy: Which annoys Amber almost as much as the fact he'd sabotaged her shower.
- Not So Stoic: Has recently developed a greater range of emotions beyond "seething". Most of them are still some level of angry, though.
- Perpetual Frowner: Unless he's drunk, in which case he becomes a Perpetual Smiler.
- Real Men Wear Pink: Although this might only apply when he's drunk (which basically reverses his personality), he apparently is a fan of Pinkie Pie.
- I've come to believe that the conservative way of life, what I stood for, is about personal responsibility ... It shouldn't be about sides. When you worry more about sides than what the good Lord taught you, you weren't on the right side to begin with. Unless we're talking about those darn communists, with their souls full of maggots.
Former president and dead guy, resurrected by Galasso when he overheard Ethan saying "bring back anything from the '80s and it's money in the bank." "Ronnie" is played as a kindly old man, slightly absentminded, with an occasional tendency to burst into a Patriotic Fervor and total inability to retain information about AIDS.
- Cool Old Guy: Occasional mentor figure and always willing to go along with whatever wacky scheme is in progress. Stops robbers with PATRIOTISM on occasion.
- Obfuscating Disability: Faked Alzheimer's to get out of doing stuff, by his own admission.
- Put on a Bus: Disappeared July 24, 2009 for parts unknown, and has appeared exactly twice since—once for his 100th birthday, and once in a joking explanation of his disappearance.
- Strawman Political: subverted: Willis' take on Reagan is patriotic but pragmatic; unabashedly conservative without being fanatical or mean-spirited about it. In other words, a lot more like the real Reagan than most modern Republicans would be willing to admit.
Galasso's daughter, whom he constantly tries to get to sire him an heir. (She can't be his heir because she's a girl—a fact that only matters to the normally gender-blind Galasso because her Missing Mom mentioned it to him before whatever happened to her happened.) After trying desperately for a while to earn his approval, she left the store and went on to found a highly successful chain of toy stores on her own.
- Anything That Moves: Maybe. She tells Ethan after they've had sex that once her father saw a wild horse save a boy and demanded his empire be ruled by centaurs. We don't know if she went through with it or not.
- Awesome Mc Coolname: Again, her father named her "Conquest."
- Dumb Blonde: Averted. Conquest is quite intelligent and competent in her own right and wishes her father would see it.
- Ethical Slut: Conquest has been encouraged for a large part of her life to have sex with a large number of partners to create an heir for Galasso. After she finally tells him off, she keeps at it because she just happens to enjoy sex.
- Expy: Appropriately, Conquest is almost exactly Talia al Ghul, as is befitting Galasso's own expy status.
- Girlish Pigtails: When she was still young as seen here and (spoiler) here.
- Mad Scientist's Beautiful Daughter: Well, mad store owner's beautiful daughter. She has a lot of sex, at her father's urging, as he "needs a male heir". What he doesn't know is she's on birth control and has been for quite a while.
- He wants an heir, and she's a nymphomaniac. "Lots of sex" is the one thing they agree on.
- Put on a Bus: Finally told Galasso off and left to make her own fortune in 2007, and returned briefly in 2010 with the reveal that she had done exceedingly well for herself (even being able to terrify Galasso with the prospect of opening a competing store.) She also played a big part in the 2012 story arc which led to Amber and Mike leaving.
- Spock Speak: She mixes large, poetic words with a blunt, terse speaking style.
- How come I'm the only one in this store who has a therapist?
Jacob is perhaps the stablest, most level-headed cast member after Leslie - not that that says much. He was at law school when the pressure and his addictive personality got to him, and now he's trying to get back on his feet (while dodging the unwanted advances of many, many women). He had a crush on Amber for a while and was in a sort-of Love Triangle with Lucy and Ken.
Jacob finished his degree and left the store in March 2014 (around the same time his Dumbing of Age counterpart started gaining importance).
- The Alcoholic: "First it was sex, then alcohol, then comic books..." (and Sentry: Fallen Sun nearly caused a relapse).
- Black and Nerdy: Ethan grew up with Transformers, Amber the Ninja Turtles, and Jacob was a Power Rangers kid. He also thinks Spider-Man's Rogues Gallery is way cooler than Batman's.
- Chick Magnet: The cast page calls him a "gorgeous piece of man-candy"...
- Cold Turkeys Are Everywhere: ...which is less than ideal for a recovering sex addict.
- Easily Forgiven: Not Jacob himself, but...Jacob: Why am I working here again? I mean, you guys - Mike in specific - kind of helped me throw my life under the bus. I must have no self-worth.Amber: No-one here does. We work retail.
- Only One Name: Lampshaded - his surname is only revealed after he leaves the store. Ultra Car is just surprised that it's not a bad pun.
- Scary Black Man: Averted, but he did wish white people were more afraid of him when subjected to Ethan and Robin's rantings one time.
Faz O. Lee
- I will present to you a graph by Faz that will demonstrate exactly in which area we will figuratively sex them. The direction will be up.
Faz is...creepy, on a number of levels. He is completely without morals or social consciousness, self-serving and outrageously smug against all odds. He was completely relentless in his pursuit of Amber (until he found out she's his half-sister) and sex in general, though he has basically no idea how it works. Faz also has a very distinctive speech style, blunt yet oddly formal, which makes any discussion of sex with him more awkward than it already should be. His inflated sense of self and absurd egotism is completely impenetrable, and will only concede to outside authority (read: Galasso) if he thinks he'll get something out of it.
Has a thing for making graphs and latching on to popular trends (mostly ones he doesn't realize are bad—poorly-made personal websites, faking insider information on message boards, etc.)
Is rarely, if ever, seen not smirking.
- Ambiguous Ending: Faz's penultimate appearance shows him climbing into a lion pit. In his final appearance, he's shown having Taken A Level In Badass and wearing a lion as a coat—but he's also got the sun usually used to represent God hanging out behind him. Whether he survived the lions or we're seeing him in the afterlife is up for debate.
- Butt-Monkey: Abused by Mike frequently, and by life in general more often than not. Laser-Guided Karma seems to be in play.
- Characterization Marches On: When he first appeared, Faz was actually a little bit clever and his manipulations succeeded. This was changed pretty quickly.
- Disappeared Dad: He never knew his father. Though given that Amber's his half-sister, and the pain Mr. O'Malley put her through, this was probably for the best.
- Driven to Suicide: Robin's hell-face put so much shock and horror into Faz during her pregnancy, that he seemingly leapt to his death in a lion pen. In the months after, he was only been referenced on a list of crossed out names and listed as "lion food?"
- Forgot Flanders Could Do That: Fans note Faz's tendency to speak in the Third Person and are thus continually surprised when he says "I" or "Me", which he has in fact done since his introduction.
- Only One Name: In the comic so far. Faz's full name being "Faz O. Lee" is Word of God and took, what, eight years to appear in the comic?
- Perpetual Smiler / Smug Smiler: To the point where Willis often goes out of his way to draw Faz from behind or in silhouette when he's supposed to be in pain. It took seven years, but finding out that the dad he never knew died and that Amber's his half-sister finally broke the streak.
- Punny Name: On Fazoli's, which for a long time ran ads featuring a child with an infuriating grin on his face.
- Sibling Incest: Towards Amber until she told him their probable shared father after his death.
- First Apperance: , September 11th, 1997 (Roomies)
Inventor/"Father" of Ultra Car, playboy and former squadmate of Mike and Robin during their time at SEMME, Joe took a diffrent path after It's Walky starting his own multi-billion dollar company, eventually producing "Zoomers", cars similar to Ultra Car but with a less volatile personality.
- Expy: He's essentially the Walkyverse's Tony Stark.
- Gadgeteer Genius: Keeps this trait from his previous apperances, using it to turn a profit.
- Lovable Sex Maniac: Somehow taken Up to Eleven, with him having trouble relating to Ultra Car due to this. Deconstucted in a later appearance where he bemoans the fact all of his friends are married or pared off while he's left alone.
- Reed Richards Is Useless: Defied. He created the Zoomers off of Ultra Car's design.
- Small Role, Big Impact: He appears sporadically but most of his apperances after his first generally have a large impact on the story as a whole.
A former employee of Shortpacked, laid of by Galasso during a lean economic period. She took it poorly, swearing revenge on them, and eventually forming the Axis of Something to do just that. When that didn't work, she instead decided to take Robin's place in congress to shut down Shortpacked. That didn't work either.
- Create Your Own Villain: Amber had actually fudged the numbers on who was selling the most customer protection rackets to protect Ethan.
- Hoist by Their Own Petard: Taking Robin's place in congress succeeded, but immediately learned that she lacked the ability to do anything to them while there, keeping her out of the way for some time.
- Laughing Mad: On "infiltrating" her way back into Shortpacked, she reacts to getting hired by running around, cackling insanely.
- Poke the Poodle: Her schemes are to ultimately shut down a toy store.
- Remember the New Guy?: Blatantly done when she's introduced. Galasso declares he's going to fire someone, and he fires... a character we've never seen before.
- Suspiciously Specific Denial: Weaponized, and how, during her election campaign. "I believe Congresswoman De Santo when she says she's not a werewolf..."
A fanboy, like Ethan, who he strikes up a friendship with. Briefly became the target of one of Robin's ludicrous plans to force the two to bang. Then it turned out he was dating Evan, Ethan's McAwesomes counterpart.