"On your way back, I'd like you to practice the Babylon 5 Mantra: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out! Babylon Control out. [to herself] Civilians. [glances upward] Just kidding about the God thing. No offense?"
There's also a Funny Background Event: the crew in the background stop what they're doing as she goes on and then she shoots them a look which pretty much says "Get back to work!"
If you listen carefully, you can actually hear someone start to applaud before she turns around!
Engines at full, high power, hatrack ratcatcher, to port weapons, brickbat lingerie.
When Ivanova leaves soon after, Delenn tells Lennier that anyone who laughs at Ivanova's... creative Minbari, would answer to her personally. The mental image of a Minbarilaughing at something like this sends the entire moment over the top.
Actually becomes Fridge Brilliance: according to Lennier and Delenn, Minbari humor is based on failure to achieve enlightenment and puns. Thus, Ivanova's failure is, well...pretty much the basis for their humor.
In the opening of season 2, we get a Captain's Log voiceover describing how Sinclair has been recalled to Earth, Ivanova is de facto commander, and things have gone "straight to hell." We see Ivanova walk into an elevator, accompanied by a gaggle of very angry, very loud diplomats and businessmen complaining about...everything. The elevator doors open at the destination...
Ivanova: ...and as far as I'm concerned the transports can wait until the sun explodes! And if you are not happy with the seating arrangements, I will personally order your seats to be moved outside, down the hall, across the station, and into the fusion reactor! Am I absolutely, perfectly clear on this? [all nod, terrified] Ivanova (Captain's Log continues): I can only conclude that I am paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate. [She walks out, and they immediately start arguing again]
Also note the quick glare that Londo gives Ivanova just before she catches herself.
The "human-style sex" sequence in "Acts of Sacrifice." After tricking the alien ambassador (who has insisted on sex as a method of consummating a treaty) into insisting on Human sex, she dances around him, reciting the sequence of a one-night stand, culminating in an epicfake orgasm:
Ivanova: Tell me about your portfolio. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes! Lie to me about your family! Oh...yeeeeeeesssss!
And capping it off beautifully at the end of the episode, she gets a note from the alien ambassador:
"Next time, my way."
Even better, when they're "finished," the Ambassador asks "What now?"
Ivanova: Depends. Old style, you roll over and fall asleep. New style, you go out for pizza and I never see you again.
The whole absurd scenario is based around the assumption that the ambassador is too ignorant of human biology and culture (which until very recently, he has considered utterly beneath him) to know how humans have sex, and too proud to admit it. Originally, Doctor Franklin had suggested giving Ivanova a shot of something to let her fake being sick on the basis of the ambassador not knowing any better.
After this performance, the Ambassador's translator waits for him to walk off before quietly kissing her on the hand in admiration and laughing.
In "Voices of Authority," the new Political Officer tries to seduce Sheridanshe strips naked (impressively, in the time it takes him to turn around and pour drinks)just as Ivanova appears via holoprojection. He grabs her into a distracting kiss, then slips out to speak briefly to Ivanova, who gives him a status report and closes with a Star TrekShout-Out:
Ivanova: Good luck, Captain. I think you're about to go where everyone has gone before.
It may or may not have been intentional, but she even raises a Fascinating Eyebrow when she says this!
Not to mention the complete WTF face that she has when she comes in through the holoprojection.
Sheridan gets his own CMOA in the same scene. After he returns to the political officer, he glances briefly at her bare chest and says "It must be colder in here than I thought."
From the same episode, Ivanova's "I love surprises" speech to Draal. His answer?
Draal: (laughing heartily) I like you. You're trouble. Ivanova (genuinely pleased): Thank you! That's the nicest thing anybody's said about me in days.
When Marcus tells Ivanova he's a virgin:
Ivanova: Wow, I thought First Ones were rare.
Later, Marcus tells Ivanova that the ship's scanners are picking something up:
Garibaldi: No "boom"? Sinclair: No boom. Ivanova: No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always a Boom tomorrow. *Beat*, as Sinclair and Garibaldi wordlessly walk away. Ivanova: What? Look, somebody's gotta have some damn perspective around here! Boom. Sooner or later. BOOM!
This is actually one of Straczynski's in-jokes - he was trying to comfort a teenaged female acquaintance's A-Cup Angst by making pretty much the same statement and gesture; "Sooner or later, boom!"
The season 4 episode "Atonement" sees Ivanova invited to a Drazi religious festival. She looks forward to it, believing it to be a big bash. Two scenes later, Sheridan walks in on a garland-littered Ivanova stumbling out of a transport tube, shoving away a semi-conscious Drazi and using a cane to stay upright.
Sheridan comes barging into Ivanova's quarters in the middle of the night to discuss an idea he's had to counter President Clark's propaganda against them. The following exchange occurs. (The "Nice Outfit" scene.)
Ivanova has threatened to airlock a reporter. The reporter is not amused and takes it to Sheridan. Sheridan - absolutely deadpan - proceeds to ream Ivanova out:
Sheridan: Commander, did you threaten to throw this man by the collar out of an airlock? Ivanova: Yes I did. Sheridan: I'm shocked. Shocked and dismayed. I'd remind you that we are short on supplies here. We can't afford to take perfectly good clothing and throw it out into space! Always take the jacket off first, I've told you that before! Sorry, she meant to say stripped naked and thrown out an airlock. I apologize for any confusion this might have caused.
And to continue the joke:
Reporter: ...we knew, if you found out we were a news crew, you wouldn't let us on the station. Sheridan: Well, that assumption was your first mistake. We have an open-door policy. Ivanova: And an open-airlock policy. Sheridan: Commander! Ivanova: Sorry.
A more subtle bit of funny: despite all the malicious editing and outright falsification in their report to make B5 look as villainous as possible, the reporters leave the entire "airlock" exchange out, which at least suggests that they don't think threatening to throw reporters out the airlock is an unusual enough thing to mark someone as particularly evil. In fact, the reporter almost laughed after Sheridan "clarified".
Also, watch Ivanova's face closely as Sheridan goes on. She's totally in on the joke.
Ivanova and Brother Edward are watching Sheridan and Theo play a game of chess, and debating on whose boss is going to win. Ivanova asks Edward if he's willing to make a wager on it, and he replies thus:
Brother Edward: Gambling is one of the lesser sins. I've always thought if you're gonna sin you may as well go for one of the really big ones.
This becomes considerably Harsher in Hindsight when Brother Edward's past (which, thanks to a mind-wipe, not even he knows when he says this line) is revealed.
Commander Ivanova and Lt. Corwin make quite the comedy duo, partly because Corwin can't seem to decide if he's terrified of Ivanova or if he's going to make smart-assed quips when she has her back turned.
Ivanova: If I live through this job without completely losing my mind, it will be a miracle of biblical proportions!
Corwin: Well, there goes my faith in the Almighty.
Of particular note is when Corwin is being interviewed in "And Now For A Word." A reporter asks Corwin if he likes working with everyone on B5.
Ivanova insists that she will not let a ship full of incredibly old, incredibly powerful First Ones leave without agreeing to what she's offering, leading to a Call-Back to the needle joke from a few seasons previous:
Marcus: Really? How do you propose stopping them? Perhaps a big red and white sign with the word "stop" on it? I'll put a bucket on my head and pretend to be the ancient Vorlon god Booji... Ivanova: That's it! Marcus: Fine. I'll get a bucket!
"Several ships reported seeing something rather 'god-like' in that area, and since neither you nor I were there..."
When Ivanova calls him out on the "delusions of grandeur", he replies: "Well, if you're going to have delusions, you might as well hold out for the really satisfying ones."
Crosses over with Awesome, but when Delenn is kidnapped, Marcus walks into one of the roughest bars in Downbelow, sits down at a table full of thugs, and calmly explains that if they don't tell him what he wants to know, then in five minutes he'll be the only person at the table still conscious, and five minutes after that, he'll be the only person in the room still conscious. Ten minutes later...
Marcus: Bugger. Now I have to wait for someone to wake up!
A few minutes later Lennier walks in and looks around
Lennier: I see they taught you well back home. Marcus: Yes, they said I had a lot of repressed anger. Lennier: And? Marcus: It's not repressed any more.
Marcus: And they have much to be concerned about. There's always the threat of an attack by, say, a giant space dragon, the kind that eats the sun every thirty days. It's a nuisance, but what can you expect from reptiles? Did I mention that my nose is on fire, and that I have fifteen wild badgers living in my trousers? [Ivanova finally looks at him, witheringly.] Marcus: I'm sorry. Would you prefer ferrets?
While on a transport to Mars on an undercover mission with Dr. Franklin:
Dr. Franklin: This is the kind of conversation that can only end in a gunshot.
In the next episode, Marcus keeps forcing Franklin to play "I Spy" with him, even though the only things they can see are stars and boxes.
Marcus: I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'B'. Dr. Franklin:(immediately) Boxes. Marcus: Good. I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'M'. Dr. Franklin:(also immediately) More boxes. (sotto voce) And that's when I shot him, Your Honor.
After listening to a Not So Different speech from Neroon (who had spent most of the episode beating him to a pulp before realizing this): "The next time you want a revelation, could you possibly find a method that isn't quite so uncomfortable?"
Politics on Babylon 5 can be odd, and Londo Mollari doesn't always like it.
Londo Mollari: This is madness! How much longer will this Council be held hostage to its missing members? Their behavior is inexcusable. Lennier: Ambassador Delenn remains indisposed. Londo Mollari: "Indisposed." She's in a cocoon! Lennier: Yes? [implied: "So?"] Londo Mollari: [to Na'Toth] And you. Do you have any idea when Ambassador G'Kar will decide to grace us with his presence? For that matter do you have any idea where he is ...There, you see?  One deserts his post without any explanation. The other one picks the most breathtakingly inconvenient moment possible to explore new career options. Like becoming a butterfly!
Just as good, he then calls for a vote to reprimand both Minbari and Narn goverments and demand for replacement representatives. When neither Sheridan, Na'Toth nor Lenier support him, he turns to Kosh expectantly, who responds with a tilt of his "head" and a slight switch of his "eye" shutter, as if saying: "Seriously? You expected me to respond to your petty squabbles?"
Londo: Ah, your first hangover. I remember my first hangover...Well, that's not true. If I remembered it, it wouldn't be a real hangover.
Londo has been having a bad year, mostly dealing with G'Kar:
Londo: But this - this, this, this is like being nibbled to death by... what are those Earth creatures called? Feathers, long bill, webbed feet, go "quack"? Vir: ... Cats! Londo: Cats. Being nibbled to death by cats.
During a Centauri religious celebration, Londo gets blind drunk, and crawls across the table, telling Delenn she is "cute for a Minbari," (this is before the transformation) and Garibaldi that he is "cute too, in an annoying sort of way." Finally:
Londo: Everybody's cute. giggles Everybody's cute! Even me. But in purple (poses dramatically)...I'm stunning! [thud] Vir: Ah! He has become one with his inner self! Garibaldi: He's passed out. Vir: That too.
And following Vir's story about the origins of the celebration:
LONDO: Do you know what the last Xon said, just before he died? [crosses his eyes, claps a hand to his chest, and mimics a scream of terror/pain]
Londo, explaining to the station captain about the temperature problems in his quarters:
Londo: When I said my quarters were cold, I did not mean, "Oh, I think it's a little chilly in here, perhaps I'll throw a blanket on the bed." No, I said it was cold, as in "Oh, my left arm has snapped off like an icicle and shattered on the floor!"
Londo: *To insect on end of sword* HA HA! There, you see! This will teach you to... Trifle with a Centauri, you triple-damned... *Examines it closer* You know that... You know that you are smaller than I thought you were? [beat] Londo: ...You are smaller. There are more of you!... THERE ARE MORE OF YOU!
**Later in the episode**
Londo: I swear, they are evolving before my very eyes. If you see something this big with eight legs, let me know. I have to kill it before it develops language skills.
Also, his complaint to maintenance:
No, you listen to me. I do not like insects. I do not like little brown things with eight legs. I do not like anything with eight legs. Well, except for the Vinzini. But only because they are terrible at cards. Something to do with compound eyes, I think.
Londo explains to Delenn and Draal that he has been studying Humans, and he's getting vexed about something:
Londo: Six thousand years of recorded history, a history that includes remarkable composers, astonishing symphonies...but. What is the one song that half of them sing to their children generation after generation? (sings) "You put your right hand in / You put your right hand out / You put your whole self in / And you turn yourself about / You do the Hokey Pokey / You give a little shout / That's what it's all about!"
(awkward pause as Delenn and Draal exchange glances)
Londo: It doesn't mean anything! I have been studying it for seven days. I had the computer analyze it! I swear to you, it does not mean A THING!
A moment later, Draal and Delenn speak out of Londo's earshot:
Draal: I rather enjoyed the song.
Delenn: Don't tell him.
Mollari to Vir: "As you advance in politics, you lose friends. There are only those who wish to use you, and those who you wish to use. But somehow, you have managed to walk through the corridors of power untouched. I can only assume that you have not been paying attention."
Upon hearing that, as a reward for his service to the Empire, Londo will be given one thing within the Emperor's power to grant. His wish?
Of course, Londo had already stated his feelings about his wives in a previous episode:
Londo: Here. Look. (gestures at framed photos) These are my three wives: Pestilence, Famine, and Death. Do you think I married them for their personalities? Their personalities could shatter entire planets! Arranged marriages. Every one. But they worked out, they inspired me! Knowing that they were waiting at home for me is what keeps me here 75 light-years away! Vir: (glances at photos. Scare Chord.)
Darkly humorous part? By process of elimination, that makes Londo WAR.As in, his actions kill more people than any other member of the Younger Races - combined.
Elric: As I look at you, Ambasador Mollari, I see a great hand reaching out of the stars. The hand is your hand. And I hear sound; the sounds of billions of people calling your name. Londo: My followers? Elric: Your victims.
Londo Mollari is the gift that keeps on giving.
Londo: You have that vacant look in your eyes that says, "Hold my head to your ear: you will hear the sea!"
And of course, this doozy from "Born To The Purple":
Londo: What do you want, you moon-faced assassin of joy?
Trying to convince Delenn to agree to Vir being assigned as the Centauri envoy to Minbar.
Londo: He wouldn't even try to spy on your government. He would consider it rude.
Vir Cotto: I thought the purpose of filing these reports was to provide accurate intelligence! Londo: Vir, intelligence has nothing to do with politics!
Virtually everything Londo says in "By Any Means Necessary" qualifies, but this exchange, regarding a G'Quon-eth plant present on the station, is a side-splitter:
G'kar: Well, who has it!? Na'Toth: Ambassador Mollari. G'Kar: WHAT!!? Londo: (waving his fingers and cackling): YOO-HOO!
From "Geometry of Shadows," we get this lovely exchange after Londo is cyber-cursed by a Technomage.
Vir: You could always...apologize. Londo: Apologize? Never! Computer: Congratulations. You are now the owner of 500,000 shares of Fireflies Incorporated. [Beat while the lights fail] Londo: On the other hand....
Londo's story of his first marriage to an exotic dancer who helped him out of a slump. Even Garibaldi (the person he was trying to cheer up with the story) has to admit it was Actually Pretty Funny.
Londo: The next day, I woke up. I saw her in the light of day, sleeping against my arm, and I decided I would rather chew off my arm than wake her up. Garibaldi: Oh, that's sweet. Londo: No, no. She had a voice that could curdle fresh milk.
Londo: (Chuckles) I heard a joke today. ... How many Centauri does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. But! In the great old days of the Republic, hundreds of servants would change a thousand lightbulbs at our slightest whim!
After Londo is in ascension in the Centauri court thanks to Mister Morden's assistance, Londo finds himself besieged with mundane requests from Centauri looking for assistance with their affairs.
Londo: I wanted respect. Now I am a wishing well with legs.
Londo's description of how the combined halves of the poison he's given Reefa interact (having laced Reefa's drink with the first half of said poison): "When the other half of the poison enters the body, the two meet, have a little party in your cardiovascular system..."
Preparing to meet the new Emperor, Londo informs the Regent that he met the Emperor twice before. The first time, he was an infant, and drooling on himself, and later as an adolescent, trying to look up girls' skirts. And then we have this:
Cartagia: Ah, Mollari. It's wonderful to see you again. Londo: And you, Majesty. I could swear you have not changed since the last few times I saw you. Cartagia: Oh, you are of course too generous.
Sinclair and Garibaldi lull Ivanova to sleep at breakfast, then trick her into thinking that she'd slept through the entire meal and was late for duty. She races off, Sinclair exits (telling Garibaldi that he'll inform next-of-kin), and Garibaldi waits:
Garibaldi: Three... two... one... Ivanova (screaming): Oh! Garibaldi, you're a dead man!
Talia is standing outside an elevator and tells Sinclair that she's afraid to get into one, because every time she does, Mr. Garibaldi seems to be there. Sinclair informs her that Mr. Garibaldi is good, but he's not omniscient. Cue the elevator doors opening, and... well, you fill in the rest.
Talia: I think I'll take the stairs. Sinclair: I think I'll join you.
Garibaldi:[to the male Drazi answering the door] Well, how do ya do, sir, I'm looking for the lady of the house. Assuming you're not the lady of the house. [Garibaldi tries to move in further; the Drazi blocks him.] Garibaldi: Anyway, I'm here to sell you something to make your life easier, cleaner, and all-around happier. Yessir, the Acme Handy-Dandy Micro-Helper, right here in this box. If you'll just allow me to demonstrate— [Again, Garibaldi tries to move in further; again, the Drazi stops him.] Garibaldi: —this...will only take a moment. Well well well, I can see this is gonna be a hard sell. [Meanwhile, the Drazi guarding Ivanova has lowered his knife, distracted by Garibaldi's song-and-dance.] Garibaldi: This is just my little way of helping, so trust me, okay? Now, as a matter of fact, if there's anybody here who needs a little help, just say the word and I'm here. Ivanova:[as she gives the Drazi guarding her a vicious elbow in the gut] Garibaldi! [Garibaldi punches out the other Drazi, then finishes off the first one.]
Garibaldi dodging the questions of an EarthForce intelligence agent regarding the sudden absence of Sheridan and Ivanova:
Garibaldi: What kind of chief of security would I be if I let someone like me know things I'm not supposed to know?
He then uses the same Insane Troll Logic to assure the agent that he won't tell himself about the agent speaking to G'Kar.
Garibaldi: I try never to get involved in my own life. Too much trouble. Agent: ...This is a strange place you have here. Garibaldi: (cheerfully) Thank you!
G'Kar describes his activities during his incarceration:
Garibaldi attempts to start Seinfeldian Conversations with Sinclair in order to pass the time while looking for Babylon 4. Garibaldi wants to know if Sinclair fastens his pants before or after zipping the fly when getting dressed in the morning. Sinclair isn't having it, until he finally accepts that there's literally nothing else to do on the long ride except have an extended Uncomfortable Elevator Moment. Both men state they fasten, then zip.
Garibaldi convinces Dr. Stephen Franklin to authorize bagna cauda despite the food plan he'd put Garibaldi on by telling him the heartwarming story behind it. So Franklin invites himself to join in. Despite being able to "feel my arteries hardening just being in the same room with it," Franklin has to admit it's pretty damn good.
Garibaldi: You think this is good, wait for dessert. Franklin: Now hold on, I didn't authorize dessert. Garibaldi: Well, then, you can't have any. Franklin: Now, now, let's not be hasty. Garibaldi: Nope. Too late.
His parting line to G'Kar (about the stray pair of panties in the latter's quarters) in "The Parliament of Dreams": "And just let me say, Ambassador, from the bottom of my heart, hot pink is definitely your color."
Near the end of "The Parliament of Dreams", G'Kar and Na'Toth have an exchange with an assassin as they send him packing; they did the worse thing possible once they'd beaten the crap out of him - they paid him. Thus, Murder, Inc. now believes he took a bribe, and he has to spend the rest of his life running from them. Their cheerful delivery sells it:
G'Kar: With luck, they may never find you, but if they do, you will know pain Na'Toth: and you will know fear G'Kar: and then you will die. Have a pleasant flight!
What makes it even funnier is that said assassin had said the same words earlier to G'Kar (this time as Evil Gloating, as they were his instructions on what to inflict on him). Turning his own words on him even as he's forced (by his guild's code) to go on the run was both very funny and very satisfying.
Earlier, posing as an aide, the assassin enters G'Kar's quarters to ask if it's him.
Londo and G'Kar get stuck in a broken elevator for an entire episode. This is the cue for a Very Special Episode about enemies reconciling their differences and working together, right? Not so much. G'Kar decides to do nothing and hope Londo dies. He can't kill Londo himself, or the Centauri will retaliate by killing 500 Narns, including G'Kar's family. But this wouldn't be killing Londo, would it? G'Kar spends the whole episode giggling hysterically at Londo's desperation. Just at the end, as they hear the work crews and realize they'll be saved:
Londo: Go be the ambassador to Babylon 5, they said. It will be an easy assignment. Ah, I hate my life. G'Kar: So do I. Londo: SHUT! UP!!
Even better: the scene was written with G'Kar explaining that he won't help Londo even at the cost of his own life in dead seriousness. It was Andreas Katsulas' idea to have G'Kar be laughing hysterically through the entire explanation, which J. Michael Straczynski first learned about when he had to stop moving when filming started, and could only wonder what scene they were shooting with G'Kar laughing so much. He now considers it the funniest scene of the whole show.
G'kar:*While giggling* I don't have to kill you. I don't have to do anything! And I still get to watch you die! I find this most appealing! Londo: This is insane! We must work together! G'Kar: ...No. As the humans say: "Up yours, guy!" *continues giggling*
Sheridan is scheduled to be sworn in as president of the Interstellar Alliance in a ceremony on Babylon 5. He asked G'Kar to write up the terms of the alliance, as well as an oath of office. The ceremony was interrupted by an assassination attempt against Sheridan, postponed for later, and then interupted again by another attempt by the same assassin, this time piloting a Starfury and trying to fire upon the station from the outside. G'Kar, annoyed at the second interruption of his speech, addresses the soon-to-be President Sheridan thusly:
G'Kar: You want to be President? Sheridan (with something less than total conviction): Yes. G'Kar: Put your hand on the book and say "I do". Sheridan: I do. G'Kar: Fine. Done. Let's eat.
G'Kar is worried about becoming a religious leader.
G'Kar: I worry, Ta'Lon, that my shadow may become greater than the message. Ta'Lon: If that happens, I give you my word that I will personally kill you. G'Kar: And this is supposed to put my mind at ease?
Several good ones in the episode where G'Kar becomes Londo's bodyguard on Centauri Prime.
The scene just before Reefa's assassination is very sober and intense, but there's a funny moment, when, while pacing around, a hologram of Londo walks through G'Kar, causing him to shudder in disgust.
Most of G'Kar's reactions to Mr Garibaldi's treatment of Narn literature, including when he accidentally spilled coffee on page 83 of the Book of G'Kar. (Which, by tradition, will be recreated on every copy down to the last detail.)
G'Kar: "Do not thump the book of G'Quan. It is disrespectful."
After Emperor Turhan's hearts attack in "The Coming of Shadows", G'Kar - who was planning on assassinating him - is understandably upset:
G'Kar: [ranting] I was ready. I had prepared myself, I had made my peace with the universe, put all my affairs in order. I had the dagger in my hand! And he has the indecency to start dying on his own! Never in my life have I seen a worse case of timing! Well, you'd think he could have waited a few more minutes before- [his doorbell rings] Who is it?
Franklin: Dr. Franklin.
[G'Kar glances at the door, and sneaks over to the video screen.]
G'Kar: [whispering] Maybe it's good news. With luck, he's feeling better! All they have to do is prop him up for two minutes! I-I'll call you back.
Everyone Else / Multiple
Vir: "M-maybe he won't even get that much out, he'll just say 'LON- AACK!'" The utterly over-the-top gagging sound and hands-over-throat gesture (for a toxin that kills by stopping the victim's hearts, no less) just make it better.
More from Vir: He and a slightly inebriated Londo have just finished a discussion on the rigours of Fate. As Londo leaves, Vir notices his unfinished drink, takes a sip, nods, then down the rest of the glass. As he stands up straight to leave... He passes out then and there.◊
Subtler, but in another Vir-meets-alcohol incident, Londo asks him how many he's had. Vir says "two" while simultaneously holding up four fingers.
Sheridan spacing the teddy bear. So good, it got a Shout-Out on another TV show. Throughout the episode, a gift shop was being run on the station, causing certain amounts of embarrassment. Sheridan had liked the whole idea...until Ivanova presented him with a "J.S." teddy bear. He then ordered the whole works off the station by morning. But he kept the bear. Later, C&C gets a UFO contact and sends Lt. Keffer out in a Starfury to investigate. After a little searching around, said teddy bear suddenly ends up against his cockpit window, before slowly sliding off. When C&C asks if he can describe what he sees, he replies:
Lt. Keffer: "I don't think so. Not on a bet."
It get's better in Meta. The bear was originally sent as a gift for JMS by Peter David, the author of the script, once he knew it was accepted. To quote JMS, "I hate cute stuff" and he clearly expressed it by not only writing it into the story that the bear get's spaced, but to film it properly it needed to be rotated on a spike. The whole thing was JMS's way of getting back at David. The story is told with more detail in the entry from Lurker's Guide for that episode.
Pretty much anything with Zathras:
Zathras: You take, Zathras die. You leave, Zathras die. Either way, it is bad for Zathras.
Zathras: Out of time? Cannot run out of time! There is infinite time. You are finite. Zathras is finite. This...is wrong tool. Never use this.
Zathras: Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life. Probably have very sad death. But at least there is symmetry.
When Zathras explains that they each have different pronunciations for their names, he then gives examples... that involve saying it in the exact same way.
Also, Zathras' brother (also Zathras) telling Susan that Zathras was "the quiet one in the family".
Sheridan and Lennier in the elevator, after Lennier "observed" (in an official religious capacity) one of the pre-marriage rituals between Sheridan and Delenn.
Lennier (after an awkward silence): "Woo-hoo"?
Dr. Franklin is trying to study pak'ma'ra biology and instead learns two funny things. First, although notorious carrion eaters, there are some things even theycan't take (like inorganic compounds), and second, when a pak'ma'ra vomits it can be messy.
And Franklin and Garibaldi mention something known about the pak'ma'ra which is news to the audience: They think Narn Tastes Like Chicken.
Ivanova: You're saying just because I'm holding this right now, I'm Green leader? But I'm human! Former Drazi Leader: Rules of combat older than contact with other races. Did not mention aliens. Rules change caught up in committee. Not come through yet. Ivanova:Bureaucracy. Tell me about it.
It gets even funnier when an episode in Season 5 reveals that the Drazi had contact with the Hyach over 800 years before the show's present time. 800+ years, and the rules change is still stuck in a committee.
She then proceeds to take advantage of the situation and ends the war by leading (on crutches) the entire Green Drazi contingent to the Quartermaster so they will "look absolutely gorgeous in purple!"
Lennier finds a coma preferable to a Centauri medal.
During the events of "Born to the Purple", Londo has Vir act on his behalf during a negotiation, while he's busy looking for Adira. Insulted, G'Kar says that he has full confidence in Ko'Dath and leaves as well. Each one says one last thing to his aide:
"Don't give away the homeworld."
In "Dust to Dust," Bester and Garibaldi are on stakeout tracking a drug ring:
Before that, when Sheridan is concocting his plan during breakfast, he is sitting off in the corner cackling to himself while the rest of the crew looks on with concern. Finally, Sheridan pounds his fist on the table in glee, causing all the food to bounce and Ivanova to yelp in shock. After he runs off, Ivanova sniffs his coffee cup to see if he'd been drinking alcohol, then decides that it's just because Delenn's been away for a few days.
Plus, the whole scene is based on JMS' own relationship with everyone else on the show at that point, as the stress of writing every single episode on top of his show runner duties naturally made him a bit loopy.
In Season 5, a Drazi tries to plant a bug in a bag of fruit he sells Vir. When it's discovered, the Drazi refuses to apologize, giving Vir a brief "The Reason You Suck" Speech. Vir, seemingly cowed, leaves... heads straight to Londo's quarters, grabs a sword off the wall, and returns. He hacks up the fruit stand, holds his sword to the Drazi's throat, and asks:
Vir: Now... want to finish our little conversation, spoo-for-brains?
"Something I can do for you, Vir?" "No, I just need to borrow this for a minute—" (waves sword in the air) "—I'll be right back."
Following along out of curiosity, Londo watches the resulting aggressive haggling with great enjoyment; as Zack asks him what's happened to Vir, he states that "Now he is ready to be the Ambassador for the Centauri", with the "Now" meaning "Now that he's finally grown a spine and started acting like a proper Centauri, I'll tell him when he calms down."
What really sells it, though, is Londo looking on as Vir is dragged off by security, looking for all the world like a dad who just watched his kid score his first touchdown.
Garibaldi: You know, I've been stuck in this tin can for three years. I haven't taken a vacation—okay, okay, it's my fault, I had the leave coming, I just didn't take it—and the pay sucks, I knew that when I signed on, and nobody said I'd survive the job. Now, I give you all that. But where in my contract does it say I have to eat the same food for breakfast...every day...for three years? Sheridan: Paragraph 47, subsection 19, clause 9A. You can find it in the index under S.U.A.E.I. Garibaldi: S...U...A.E.I.? Sheridan and Ivanova (in perfect unison): Shut Up And Eat It.
Garibaldi and a security officer are breaking into the station post office to retrieve a package:
Garibaldi: What are you so nervous about? We went up against the entire Earth Alliance and two carrier groups. Officer: But this is the post office. This could get us in real trouble.
"Quality of Mercy": Londo had invited Lennier to a play round of cards. There is humor all around. First, Lennier is a very humble and religious sort, yet despite this he performs very well at the card table. Meanwhile, we see Londo open a button on his fly. Later on, we see a tentacle surreptitiously moving cards around...until Londo is caught cheating. After the whole fracas is over, Lennier asks what it was about, and Londo patiently explains to him the Centauri reproductive system. The tentacle was actually one of his genitalia.
Sheridan: I tell ya, the next person who acts irrationally, I swear I'm gonna shoot myself in the head. (Delenn immediately bursts in) Delenn: Bastards! Franklin: Did she just...? Sheridan: She did. Franklin: I'll get the gun. Sheridan: Delenn, are you...? Delenn: BASTARDS!
What makes it even funnier: Delenn, and most Minbari, are better known for displaying their anger in Tranquil Fury. But now, we seen Delenn well and truly (and hotly) pissed off.
Lennier has been up two days making a ceremonial meal for Sheridan, and if Sheridan makes one mistake in the proper way to eat it, he'll have to do it all again. Just watch Bill Mumy's face through the whole scene. And then Sheridan gets called away and Lennier's response is one of the few times that Translation Convention isn't used, letting us imagine whatever profanity we want.
Lennier: That mother f------ didn't even taste my flarn! Delenn: Your flarn sucks anyway!
Sheridan explaining to Delenn that he hasn't been able to get any sleep since Kosh died.
Sheridan: I've been having the kind of nightmares that make your hair stand on end. Delenn: Well, that would explain the Centauri...
Don't forget what she said after she told him Ivanova told her he'd been "carrying on cranky."
Delenn: I looked up "cranky," and it said "grouchy," I looked up "grouchy," and it said "crotchety." This is the problem with your language, none of your words have their own meanings. This cannot be a real word, I said. (Beat) Never mind. Your face just broke the language barrier.
Delenn has accepted Garibaldi's invitation to watch old Looney Tunes cartoons, and he makes popcorn for the occasion. Delenn graciously accepts the popcorn when he passes the bucket to her, and is seen holding a single piece of popcorn between thumb and forefinger like it's a dead bug.
Delenn does, indeed, have the damndest gaps in her vocabulary:
John: Just when you think everything's starting to go right, life up and kicks you in the butt. Delenn: But what? John: What? Delenn: You said life kicks you, but. . . ? John: No, I didn't— Delenn: Hmm. I butt. You butt. He or she butts. . . John: No, Delenn, it's— Delenn: Butt. Butt butt. Butt butt butt butt butt. John: (increasingly amused) Now you sound like a motorboat. Delenn: Motorbutt? I do not think I like the sound of that. . .
Zack Allen is being fitted for his new uniform by Minbari tailors, but Zack is fidgeting because he finds it uncomfortable (though he'd had similar complaints about his previous uniform), then goes on to make a dig about Minbari fashion sense (to be fair, Vorlon Encounter Suits are pretty snazzy). Annoyed, one of the tailors jabs him with a needle. Zack complains to Lennier, and Lennier says he'll talk to her. Turns out he told her (paraphrasing) "Good job, and next time, use a bigger needle."
In the script volumes, JMS reveals that the scene is one of several little character pieces he put in due to the scripts coming in short, but in this case one of the costume people happened to see what he was writing, and started subtly trying to find out if he was doing it as some passive-aggressive insult to their work.
Sinclair's marriage proposal to on-again, off-again girlfriend Catherine Sakai mixes this and heartwarming in equal measure, as he does it in typical Sinclair fashion.
Sinclair: Look, do you want to get married or don't you? Sakai: [beaming from ear to ear] Yes. Sinclair: [goofy grin] Well, good. How's April by you? Sakai: July's better. Sinclair: All right. [huskily] You want coffee? Sakai: No. [cue passionate snogging]
In the DVD Commentary for "In the Shadow of Z'Ha'Dum", it's revealed that the Vorlon Encounter suit is so cumbersome that the actor wearing it couldn't get through doors without turning sideways. Something about the image of the distinguished Vorlon ambassador having to turn sideways to get through a door is just hilarious. Also hilarious is the revelation that on the last day of shooting, the man who had to wear the encounter suit tied it to the back of his car and drove around the parking lot with it, because he just hated it so much.
In one episode, to get around this problem when Kosh shows up at Sheridan's door, the camera stays on Sheridan as he tells whoever is outside to come in. We hear the door open, we see Sheridan react in surprise to Kosh just showing up unannounced, then the scene cuts to Kosh, already inside the room. The thing is, he's so close to the door you can plainly see that the suit is wider and that he would've had to have turned sideways to get in anyway.
Just about any conversation with Kosh that isn't deadly serious is funny, thanks to his fondness for Cryptic Conversation and the Mathematician's Answer, not to mention his tendency to be something of a dick to people when they make serious personal requests.
Sinclair: I've never seen a monitor like that before. What is it? Kosh: Efficient....
Kosh's behaviour is further complicated by the fact that he also has a sense of humour (much to the surprise of nearly every other character). At the end of one typically confusing and uninformative exchange, Sheridan attempts to call him on being so cryptic:
Sheridan: I really hate it when you do that. Kosh: (with great satisfaction) Good.
In the aftermath of their secession from Earth, the station is "rebooted" to get rid of any lingering surprises Clark's forces might have hidden in the software. Unfortunately, this temporarily replaces the station's standard computer with an obnoxious AI voiced by Harlan Ellison of all people. And Garibaldi is trapped in an elevator with it.
Sparky the Computer: Oh, not that my feelings would have any meaning for you, but why are you having these people poke me all over the place? I'm a perfectly reasonable Artificial Personality. Nobody's ever complained before, but I guess some people just aren't happy unless they're messing it up for everyone else! You know, you really should stand up straight. Your mother and I have been worried about this for years. We've been trying to talk to you about it but... Garabaldi draws his gun and shoots the speaker.
In the script volumes, JMS talks about how he first asked his good friend Ellison to play the role, saying he needed someone who could be incredibly irritating with every word they said. And then it took him a good while to realize why Ellison didn't consider that much of a compliment.
When the heroes attempt to rescue Sheridan from Room 101, Garibaldi tries to charm his way past the guards by appealing to his hero status (he was the one who betrayed Sheridan), which was big news on TV. Unfortunately, the guard is not impressed:
The Guard: I don't watch TV. It's a cultural wasteland filled with inappropriate metaphors and an unrealistic portrayal of life created by the liberal media elite.
Then shortly thereafter, when a drugged-up Sheridan sees Garibaldi among the rescue party springing him from Earth custody, and says in a slurred voice:
Sheridan: "Michael... boy was I gonna kick your butt for something... but I don't remember."
When G'Kar is looking in Garibaldi's quarters for clues that might help to find him after he'd gone missing, he points to the picture of Daffy Duck hanging in the room and asks Zack if that's one of his household gods. Zack tells him that Daffy is "the ancient Egyptian God of Frustration." G'Kar finds it very appropriate.
In "Convictions", when a couple of Drazi pilgrims start touching and poking Zack Allen at customs, because the station and everything on it is supposedly blessed by the "supernatural" sighting witnessed in "The Fall of Night", and they want to "share in the blessing". Zack is annoyed by this, and tells them that a potted plant sitting nearby was more blessed than he was because it was supposedly sitting in close proximity to the miraculous event in question.
Zack: Why don't you go poke the plant for awhile, while I take care of your entry visas, okay?
Zack Allen's straight-man customs agents act in "Epiphanies".
Zack: You'll get your updates on who to hold and who to let through. Anything unusual gets flagged. Londo: And would I fall under the category of unusual, Mr. Allan? Zack: Well, didn't think we'd be seeing you again anytime soon, ambassador. Londo: Yes, I gathered that from the look of unvarnished joy on your face. Perhaps you'd like to sit down before you are overcome by ecstasy. Zack: Thanks, I'm fine. So, what happened? They get tired of you back home? Londo: Tired? No, of course not. Don't be absurd. Why, the emperor himself said I would only be allowed to leave, "over his dead body." I said, "Well, how strange. Mr. Allen said I would only be allowed back onto Babylon 5, "over his dead body." With my very busy schedule, I can only accommodate so many requests.note Londo secretly had the Emperor assassinated in the previous episode. I know it is a burden, but you will simply have to wait your turn. Zack: The only reason that guy is still alive is that half the time I don't know what he's talking about. The other half, I wish I didn't.
The last bit is a funny reminder that Zack is too far down the chain to have any idea what's going on with the more important characters.
Zack: You never know who's gonna walk in that... Bester: Just a guess, Mr. Allan, but I'd suggest the word you're looking for is "door." Now, please notify the captain that I'm here. I need to meet with him and the rest of the command staff ASAP. I assume my usual quarters in the brig are available. I've grown so attached to the place. Zack: For you, Mr. Bester, always.
Zack then decides to get out.
Zack: Look, I'm getting the hell out of here, before anybody else comes in. With my luck, it'll be the Second Coming. And I'm still three commandments behind on penance.
Bester reacts to something Mr. Garibaldi thought about him:
Bester: [with a charming smile] Anatomically impossible, Mr. Garibaldi. But you are welcome to try.
Sheridan channel-surfing in his office during the embargo.
Computer voice: Entertainment Channel: Unavailable due to jamming. Movie Channel: Unavailable due to jamming. Sports Channel: Unavailable due to jamming. Adult Channel: Unavailable due to jamming. ISN: Available!
Bit more meta, but watch an episode of Star Trek: The Original Series, and then watch an episode of B5 with Bester. Imagine all of Chekov's lines being said in Bester's creepy, threatening voice, and all of Bester's being said in Chekov's upbeat but naive voice. Instant comedy, just add shared actor!
The "deconstructed" versions of Sheridan and Franklin in "Deconstruction of Falling Stars" are so blatantly over-the-top evil that it becomes hilarious to watch them. Sheridan essentially pulls off his best Adolf Hitler impression (Bruce Boxleitner actually studied videos of him for it), and Franklin goes straight into Mad Scientist territory.
Spoo is/are (the plural of spoo is spoo) small, white, pasty, mealy critters, rather worm-like, and generally regarded as the ugliest animals in the known galaxy by just about every sentient species capable of starflight, with the possible exception of the pak'ma'ra, who would simply recommend a more rigorous program of exercise. They are also generally considered the most delicious food in all of known space, regardless of the individual's biology, almost regardless of species, except for the pak'ma'ra, who like the flavor but generally won't say so simply to be contrary.
Spoo are raised on ranches on worlds with a damp, moist, somewhat chilly climate so that their skin can acquire just the right shade of paleness. Spoo travel in herds, if moving a total of six inches in any given direction in the course of a given year can actually be considered moving. They stay in herds ostensibly for mutual protection, but the reality is that if they weren't propped up against one another, most of them would simply fall down. They do not howl, bark, moo, purr, yap, squeak or speak. Mainly, they sigh. Herds of sighing spoo can reportedly induce unparalleled bouts of depression, which is why most spoo ranchers wear earmuffs even when it's only mildly cold, damp, wet and dreary outside. If there is any life-or-death struggle for dominance within the spoo herd, it has not yet been detected by modern science.
Spoo ranching is one of the least regarded professions known. Little or no skill is required, once you've got a planet with the right climate. You bring in two hundred spoo, plop them down in the middle of your ranch, and go back to the nearby house. Soon you've got more. When it comes time to cull out the ones ready for market (the softest, mealiest, palest, most forlorn-looking spoo of the pack), little physical effort is required since they're incapable of rapid movement without falling over (see above). They do not resist, fight, or whine; they only sigh more loudly. When spoo harvest time comes, the air is full of the sound of whacking and sighing, whacking and sighing. Even an experienced spoo rancher can only harvest for brief periods of a time, due to the increased volume of sighing, which even the sound of whacking cannot altogether erase. (also see above) Some have simply gone mad.
Spoo are the only creatures of which the Interstellar Animal Rights Protection League says, simply, "Kill 'em."
And note: the Centauri and the Narn constanly bicker about how best to prepare spoo to eat. The Narns prefer to eat spoo fresh. This disgusts the Centauri, who prefer their spoo well-aged before eating. Meanwhile, not too many other races find spoo that appealing. Two ordinary workers try it in Season 5 and jointly wonder what the Centauri find so tasty (and expensive) about it.
Garibaldi: Someone's trying to frame me for the explosion in the Cobra bay. They planted a schematic of the bay and a pouch of Centauri Ducats in my quarters. Londo: Ducats? (Pronounced DOO-kats) Garibaldi: Ducats. (Pronounced DUCK-its) (Short beat) Londo: Po-tay-to? Garibaldi: Po-tah-to. Londo: Tomayto, Garibaldi: Tomahto! Both, singing: Let's call the whole thing off.
Sinclair and Ivonava appreciating and ogling a fairly passionate scene, before JMS pops in and kills the mood.
Londo: There is no connection to the 405 here. (crew members start Corpsing) Londo: We'll have to take the Long Beach. (shouts back at his passengers) We'll take the Long Beach, is that all right? (cuts to his passengers, who are having a hard time not Corpsing themselves, then back to Londo) Londo: First the Long Beach, then the 405. (the rebreather on one of his passengers falls off) All right! I know where we're going now. (begins to Corpse himself) (Beat) Londo: There'll be a bathroom stop in about 10 minutes. Draal: I hope so. Londo: (Loses it)
Bruce Boxleitner screwing up his line and accidentally calling himself Sinclair rather than Sheridan.
Sheridan: Medlab, this is Sinclair. Everyone else: (Loses it, proceeding to tease Sheridan)
As Garibaldi and Franklin are about to try the former's bagna cauda:
Garibaldi: Don't make me eat this shit. (starts Corpsing)
Londo: You wouldn't believe it, but... Three wine coolers, and I'm buzzed.
Bruce McGill (Major Ryan) giving the real reason why Hague (Robert Foxworth) isn't there:
McGill: General Hague... is doing Deep Space Nine. [crew crack up off-screen] It seems he was double-booked by his agent and there was nothing to be done, so you'll have to do with me, sir.note In the actual script, they had to Bus Crash Hague out of the show because of this.
For extra comedy, Foxworth's character on Deep Space Nine (Admiral Leyton) is trying to do what Hague was trying to prevent - take over Earth through martial law.
Near the end of "Point of No Return", Lady Morella boards a transport tube with one of her guards, and does a double take when she realizes that the guard inside is a Narn. (The local Narn population have replaced the Nightwatch officers at this point.) The Narn looks back at her, as if to say "Yeah, I'm a Narn. You got a problem with that?"
In an outtake, Lady Morella (Majel Barrett) walks towards one of the standard sci-fi sliding doors to exit the scene. The door stalls halfway and she almost walks into. Someone on the crew apologizes and she says "That's all right, I'm used to it."
When a new Vorlon ambassador comes aboard the station:
Sheridan: Your government neglected to tell me your name. How should I refer to you when we're alone?
Sheridan: Ah, yes, I understand that's how we're to refer to you publicly, but privately?
Ivanova: Ambassador Kosh is dead.
Vorlon: We are all Kosh.
Sheridan: Well, he's a Vorlon, all right.
"The Long, Twilight Struggle" has Sheridan's first meeting with Draal - minutes after he has just gotten out of the shower. Draal even pauses his dramatic introduction to say that he can come back if Sheridan wants to get dressed, first.