Fanfic / Harry's New Home

"Well, Headmaster, there must be someone [who can look after Harry]. It isn't as if we can look to Slytherin. There weren't many Slytherins in the Order during the War, and of those few of us, fewer still survived. Other than myself, I can only think of two, and Giles is in Australia while Jean is out of the question for – oh, no. No, no, no. Not on your life!"

"Now, Severus," Albus said easily, "you must admit that you yourself admirably fulfill the criteria you have identified."

"Absolutely not! I am not going to be that brat's guardian! Have you gone mad?"

Harry's New Home is a completed AU Harry Potter Fan Fiction written by kbinnz. Includes the oneshot prequel Harry's First Detention and the multichapter titular fic, found here.

The story details the events set into motion when one Severus Snape is given care of Harry Potter after the abusive and neglectful treatment by the Dursleys is uncovered. Hilarity Ensues, with many heartwarming moments mixed in.

---

Harry's New Home provides examples of:

• 0% Approval Rating: Shockingly, Umbridge. The muggle-born and low-status students hate her for blatantly targeting them and showing favoritism, while the pure-bloods and students with well-connected parents are disgusted by how obviously she's trying to suck up to them. The rest of the student body despises her for her love of Disproportionate Retribution and her utter incompetence as a teacher. Even the other teachers are just waiting for her to go too far and give them an excuse to demand that she be fired.
• Abusive Parents:
  • The best thing Snape can say about his father is that he introduced his son to some useful connections in the Muggle criminal underworld. Snape otherwise remembers him as a drunk who broke his nose, repeatedly.
  • The Dursleys were horrible guardians to Harry, regularly beating him and depriving him of food for accidentally performing magic, as well as not bothering to meet his basic needs while spoiling his cousin dreadfully.
  • It's noted at one point that Lucius Malfoy is very liberal with corporal punishment whenever Draco steps out of line — and this is a step down from his father, who considered Crucio an appropriate form of discipline.
• Accidental Misnaming: Harry calls Voldemort "Vol-au-Vent" (a kind of pastry) and "Voldesnort". Snape decides to stop trying to correct him after a while.
  If the Dark Lord did come back, finding out He was being called a flaky pastry might so infuriate Him that He would miss with His first few Unforgivables.
• Accidental Truth: In Chapter 6, Harry wonders if Snape can read minds. The Potions teacher is indeed a skilled Legilimens, as anyone who has read the books will know.
• Accomplice by Inaction: Snape and Harry come to fear Dumbledore when they both realize he didn't check up on Harry, enabling the Dursleys' abuse, and when Dumbledore didn't insist that Sirius get a trial.
• Action Dad: Snape puts a lot of work into seeing that Harry is safe.
• Action Girl: Amelia Bones.
• Action Mom: Molly, a former Wizarding Duel champion, really gets to show her stuff.
• Action Survivor: Harry is essentially this, with Snape planning and executing most of the adventures.
• Adaptational Dumbass: Downplayed. Professor McGonagall's competence is toned down a little, as she doesn't notice Harry's atrocious handwriting (which comes from wearing cheap glasses) and forgets to teach him how to stretch properly to avoid Quidditch injuries, problems that Snape has to step in and take care of. But when she has her shit together, she's more than a match for Snape when it comes to protecting her students.
• Affectionate Nickname: Harry eventually christens Snape 'Da'. Before that, he accepts being called 'Pronglet' by Sirius.
• Age-Appropriate Angst: Lampshaded by Hermione and Ron when Harry is moping about not spending time with Snape. To avoid embarrassing him, they say it's only because he's not used to Snape the way they are used to their parents.
• A Lesson Learned Too Well: Snape tells Harry he should be careful and not trust Dumbledore because whether good intentions or not Dumbledore is responsible for Harry getting placed in an abusive home. Harry takes his advice and starts to fear Dumbledore more than he does Voldemort to Snape's horror.
• All Amazons Want Hercules: Jones is mightily impressed that Percy jumped in to save her and Harry from Umbridge.
• All the Other Reindeer: Peter Pettigrew is convinced that everyone at Hogwarts hated him and thought he was a loser, and the other Marauders only took him on out of pity, a sentiment Voldemort exploited. In reality, Pettigrew was just a whiny narcissist who betrayed his best friends for the false flattery of a genocidal racist.
• Anti-Hero: Harry fears becoming this after he crushes Quirrell with a stone pumpkin. In-story, there is Snape, Draco and Jones.
• Apologizes a Lot: Harry at first, much to Snape's annoyance.
• Armor-Piercing Response: When Harry guesses correctly that his father was one of Snape's former bullies, Snape relishes in getting one over James Potter by telling his son not to think too badly of his father as "boys do foolish things." Harry responds, "You didn't." This unsettles Snape as he privately acknowledges that, as a former Death Eater, he's actually done worse things than either James or Sirius did to him at school.
• Aw, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: The only one who seems oblivious to this is Snape. Everybody can see how much he cares for and protects Harry all the time.
• Badass and Child Duo: Snape and Harry. Harry, while bright and talented, is still a kid who's recovering from years of abuse. Snape, as his guardian, is constantly running various schemes behind the scenes to keep Harry safe, and isn't afraid to throw out some Dark curses from his Death Eater days if necessary.
• Bad Boss: Snape shows signs of this in regards to Lucius Malfoy. A simple assignment from the former? Overthrow the government in the next few months. Backfires when the latter tries to gain some recognition.
• Batman Gambit: Part one of helping Harry recover from years of abuse is placing him with a new guardian who can can deal with his emotional and psychological issues. Snape dutifully does plenty of research on the subject and lays out for Dumbledore what they should look for in potential guardians for Harry. He doesn't realize until it's too late that Dumbledore had him lined up as Harry's new guardian all along and just tricked him into building and presenting his own custody case. Snape is left deeply annoyed at being "out-Slytherined".
• Battle Couple: Percy and Jones.
• The Beast Master: Harry and snakes.
• Berserk Button: Several characters have them, with varying degrees of seriousness.
  • During the fateful detention, Snape loses his temper and hits Harry when he thinks Harry is caling him "Snivellus." To his credit, he immediately realizes that he was completely out of line and let his resentment for James Potter affect how he handled the situation.
  • None of the Hogwarts faculty react well to people mistreating their students. The one and only time he hits Harry, Snape immediately realizes that he's essentially signed his own death warrant; if Dumbledore doesn't kill him, McGonagall will. It's implied that the only reason he gets off as lightly as he does is because he realizes the Dursleys are abusing Harry and his own protective instincts kick in, prompting him to report everything to Dumbledore and prioritize Harry's safety above keeping himself out of trouble.
  • Blood Quills. This literally sent the entire faculty of Hogwarts out for blood. Dumbledore nearly hunted down Umbridge when he was informed of this.
  • Percy loses it and starts thorwing out curses (hex and otherwise) when he learns that a bully tried to Cruciate Ron.
  • Insulting Harry, even from miles away, is a bad way to get on Dobby's bad side, as shown in chapter 58 where he appeared out of nowhere to beat up Kreacher.
  • A more mild example; Molly is offended when Snape says he will provide them with a financial stipend to help provide for Harry's needs, as she doesn't like the implication that she and her husband have to be bribed to take care of Harry (because they would do it regardless).
    Snape sighed. Gryffindors were so predictable.
  • Played for laughs; neither Professor McGonagall nor Madame Hooch appreciate Quidditch being called a "stupid game".
• Big Brother Instinct: Percy did not like it when one of Harry's bullies almost Crucio'ed Ron.
• Big Damn Heroes:
  • When Harry was ambushed by a group of Ravenclaw students, he was rescued by Hermione Granger (who breaks a student's knee and wand), Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, the twins, Marcus Flint and Jones.
  • An epic one during the rescue mission against Death Eaters. From champion Duelist Molly to Remus ripping apart Death Eaters left and right.
• Blind Date: Sirius manages to talk Snape into one. Snape anticipates a nightmarish evening, given Sirius's taste in women, but is pleasantly surprised and ends up enjoying himself when he and his date turn out to be Birds of a Feather.
• Blind Without 'Em: And with them, when your glasses don't work. Harry's terrible childhood first comes to Snape's notice when he checks the boy's handwriting in detention and finds that he can't see the blackboard, because the only pair of glasses the Dursleys bothered to get him was a cheap, non-prescription one from the charity bin.
• Body Horror: As in canon, Quirrel's fusion with Voldemort's soul, which is quite literally causing his body to rot.
• Break the Haughty: Draco Malfoy. Dumbledore in a more benign kind of way, specially so during the Horcrux hunting (advice: don't put the soul sucking ring on your finger).
• Broken Pedestal: Both Snape and McGonagall lose a great deal of faith in Dumbledore's judgement after learning that Harry endured ten years of abuse due to negligence on his part. Downplayed, as they do still greatly respect him; however, they're far more willing to go under Dumbledore's nose when they feel certain people need to be decisively dealt with and know the Headmaster would be too lenient.
• Bully Hunter: Snape inadvertently encourages Harry to become this when he tells him that defending yourself from an attack is completely justified and even encouraged (Harry had previously been conditioned to just accept abuse and beatings). When Harry pledges to defend others from the same, Snape realizes that he just fed right into Harry's underlying Gryffindor nature.
• Card-Carrying Villain: Played for laughs. At first, Snape wants nothing more than to be known as the self-proclaimed Evil Bat of the Slytherin Dungeons and a sadistic Potions teacher who regularly reduces NEWT students to tears. So naturally, he is not pleased when his Pet the Dog moments with Harry start to give him a more positive reputation in the halls of Hogwarts.
• Cheerful Child: Harry, so long as he's around Ron, Hermione or Snape. Otherwise, he's very shy and somewhat submissive due to his treatment by the Dursleys.
• The Chess Master: Snape becomes this after rescuing Sirius from Azkaban, to the point that he is even able to successfully fool Dumbledore at times. And he only becomes more and more deadly during the fic.
• Children Raise You: When Dumbledore appoints Snape as Harry's guardian, he is confident that looking after Harry will be able to help Snape become more emotionally open and caring. He's right.
• Cluster F-Bomb: Sirius. Justified as he's been in Azkaban for 10 years.
• Cover Innocent Eyes and Ears: Snape does this to Harry when he notices that the Daily Prophet had published a photo of Sirius greeting his many female admirers in Switzerland - and is twirling a thong one of them threw to him on his finger.
• Combat Pragmatist:
  • Slytherins believe in strength in numbers and airing enemies' dirty laundry.
  • Hermione, having been taught some basic Muggle self-defence skills by her father, tends to go for vulnerable spots like the knee or the crotch when she's forced to become physical. And when push comes to shove, she's even willing to snap an opponent's wand in half!
• Conditioned to Accept Horror: After ten years living with the Dursleys, Harry is used to not being allowed toys, books, or games, having to do all of the household chores, being locked in his cupboard and Denied Food as Punishment, and having his bare backside beaten black and blue for breaking even small rules — or just because the Dursleys feel like it. He's also used to being constantly told he's stupid and to nobody caring if he gets hurt. As far as he's concerned, this is normal, and it takes him a while to fully grasp that this is no longer the way his life works.
• Contrived Clumsiness: During the fight against the four Ravenclaw boys, after Smythe calls Hermione a Mudblood and various other curse words, she "accidentally" steps on his wand, snapping it clean in half.
  Hermione: (sweetly) Oh, dear. How clumsy of me. I suppose that as a Mudblood, I keep forgetting how fragile wands are.
• Cool Big Sis: Davidella Jones and Katie Bell are very protective of younger students.
• Cool and Unusual Punishment: Snape loves these, with a healthy dose of Irony added in.
  • Harry is "punished" for repeating the horrible things the Dursleys have spent years drilling into his head by writing "I will not quote my appalling relatives" (and variations thereon) five hundred times. Harry considers it an Unishment, since it gives him much-needed practice in writing with a quill.
  • Oliver Wood's detention after Harry comes back from his first Quidditch practice sore is the equally backbreaking task of scrubbing the legs on all the desks and chairs in the Potions classroom and then writing an essay on the importance of stretching properly before exercise.
  • Harry and Ron get punished for endangering themselves during the troll incident with no flying and no desserts, respectively, for a week. Ron is particularly horrified, as he's never gone more than two days without sweets before (and if he cheats, Percy will escort him everywhere and the House Elves will spoon feed him at meals for the duration of the punishment).
  • Hermione's punishment for the troll incident is the inverse of the above; she's required to attend every Quidditch game and practice for a week and write an essay about it.
  • After damaging Snape's furniture while trying to repair some broken chess pieces, Neville gets a whole detention of nothing but practicing the repairing charm.
  • Jones gets in on this too, hitting Fred and George with a hex that alternately turns them various bright colors and inflicts an unbearable itching sensation. They last about half an hour before apologizing profusely and begging on their knees to have the jinx removed.
  • When they feel Snape is being too harsh with Harry, the House Elves retaliate by denying him coffee.
  • Once Sirius takes a teaching post at Hogwarts, they eschew detentions in favor of pranking anyone who misbehaves in class. It turns out public humiliation is a very effective deterrent, and within a few weeks they have the best-behaved classroom in the entire school.
  • McGonagall's more... atypical detentions.
    "Did I say you were forbidden to use magic to complete the task?"
• Cuddle Bug: Harry LOVES hugging Snape.
• Cue the Flying Pigs:
  • Snape references this trope by name the first time Harry refers to him as his father.
  • Lucius Malfoy deliberately invokes this by getting a picture taken of himself, Arthur Weasley, and Sirius Black (members of ancient pureblood families that have historicallly been at each other's throats) agreeing on something for once in their lives. Even the caption acknowledges the enormity of this event.
    The ONE Thing We All Agree On: FUDGE IS AN IDIOT
• Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: Again, McGonagall. She deliberately makes Blood Quills look mild. (See I'm a Humanitarian for details.)
• Dark Humor: Mad-Eye, as seen when he dubs the partially liquefied Pettigrew "Pettigoo".
• Dark Is Not Evil: Being from Slytherin doesn't automatically make you a Death Eater and being from any of the other three Houses doesn't mean you can't be one, as we find out from several Ravenclaws. Also overlaps with Light Is Not Good.
• Depraved Dentist: Parodied. Hermione spins a yarn that makes mundane dentistry sound like brutal torture. When her parents visit Hogwarts, everyone is remarkably polite...
• Deconstruction Fic: As far as Slytherin House is concerned. Fanfiction tends to portray the house as either irredeemably evil or a group of cool outsiders for the author's Self-Insert to join up with. This fic specifically portrays them as an entirely valid and functional school house like the other three. The only reason why so many Death Eaters come from Slytherin is because Voldemort likes to prey on the insecurities and flaws of certain personality types.
• Dirty Coward:
  • Deconstructed. Slytherins encourage pragmatism and bringing back-up to a fight but anyone who totally abandons one's House and those protected by said House is considered the lowest of the low, Slytherin or no.
  • Pettigrew is a straight example, being portrayed as a sniveling, pathetic coward who scurries away like the rat he turns into when threatened.
• Dirty Old Woman: Madame Hooch is very vocal about her enjoyment of Snape's new look. She's also about 30 years his elder.
• Distracted by the Sexy: A Hufflepuff girl in Snape's Potions class gets distracted by an attractive Ravenclaw boy and puts the wrong ingredients in her Blood-Replenishing Potion, producing a cloud of poisonous gas and sending three students to Madam Pomfrey.
• Ditzy Genius: Snape's opinion of Ravenclaw House. In his words, "...they might be able to recite every known permutation of the 18th century Ignatio Compelare spell, but they needed their house elves to tell them their robes were on fire."
• Don't Make Me Take My Belt Off!: After years of Vernon Dursley's "parenting", Harry is conditioned to expect harsh beatings for even minor infractions. Snape notes, however, that the opposite extreme of this is that he may not even register something as a punishment unless it has a physical aspect. Snape compromises by setting a few rules that will merit corporal punishment — a single swat against clothed backside for each rule broken — and using more typical punishments such as temporarily revoking privileges for any other offense once Harry gets used to having privileges.
• Doorstopper: Complete at 64 chapters and over 300,000 words.
• The Dreaded:
  • Hermione becomes this after Harry's ambush. While breaking the wand of a fallen foe was considered "hardcore", her explanation of Muggle dentistry gave her the top spot for the "not mess with" list in the entire school. When Umbridge "mysteriously vanishes" from Hogwarts after being Transfigured and eaten by McGonagall, she is the one who gets the credit because of her anti-Umbridge "Splat The Toad" campaign, even though her actual impact on Umbridge's final downfall is minimal and she has no clue what is going on.
  • Dumbledore became this for Harry for more than half of the fic.
  • McGonagall of all people becomes this for Snape (although the man makes sure not to show it publicly), as a result of her transfiguring Umbridge into food and eating her. When McGonagall suggests accompanying Dumbledore to find Voldemort's Horcruxes, Snape immediately backs her to the shock of the other professors.
• Evil Gloating: Volauvent attempts to engage in this when he has Snape at his mercy. It falls flat because Snape is incoherent with grief after watching Harry die to a Killing Curse, much to Voldesnort's annoyance.
• Evil Smells Bad: While Quirrell making Harry's scar hurt is a serious red flag, it's the horrible odor coming from under his turban that tipped the teachers off that something was wrong with him. While he tried to mask it with garlic, it really didn't work all that well.
• Everybody Lives: The fic has a significantly lower bodycount than the novels, partially because it's much shorter and the final battle occurs in Harry's second year. The only significant casuality on the Light side is Mad-Eye Moody, sparing most of the others like Fred, Lupin and Sirius.
• Everyone Has Standards:
  • Despite hating Sirius for bullying him during their Hogwarts years, even Snape is horrified when he discovers via Legilimency that he was actually framed for Pettigrew's crimes of betraying the Potters to Voldemort, realizing that he suffered 11 years in Azkaban for a crime he had nothing to do with.
  • In Harry's First Detention, McGonagall, despite being a Stern Teacher herself, objects to Snape giving Harry detention in the first class of the first year.
  • Slytherins encourage pragmatism and bringing backup to a fight, but completely abandoning one's House is considered low even by their standards.
• Explain, Explain... Oh, Crap!:
  • After doing some thorough research, Snape sits down with Dumbledore and outlines some basic criteria Harry's new guardian should meet in order to provide the healthiest possible environment for him going forward. They should be someone with no other children or grandchildren to distract them, preferably someone who has experienced abuse themselves so they can empathize with him, willing to build up Harry's self-esteem with positive reinforcement, able to still be firm with him when he misbehaves, unquestionably loyal to the Light... In short, someone like Severus Snape himself.
    Snape: Other than myself, I can only think of two, and Giles is in Australia while Jean is out of the question for — oh no. No, no, no. Not on your life!
  • Immediately following the above instance, Dumbledore points out that Harry will need to be able to form an attachment to his new caretakers. Snape notes that since Harry already seems to be attached to him, that shouldn't be difficult — then realizes he's been steered back around to the idea of becoming Harry's guardian himself again.
• Fantastic Racism:
  • Played straight with the Death Eaters, obviously, and with Umbridge, who calls Jones an island person who practices hoo doo despite the fact the girl was born in Brighton.
  • Downplayed otherwise; the usual "anti-Muggle" sentiment is much less omnipresent than it usually is in HP fan stories, as fan writers have a tendency to exaggerate how racist the Slytherins actually are in the books.
• Fearless Fool: Deconstructed with Harry who lacks a sense of self-defense (and of self-preservation) thanks to his upbringing, allowing him to put himself in danger without a thought, much to Snape's annoyance and horror.
• Fights Like a Normal: Hermione, who kicks people in the knees, ankles and nuts and will slam your head into the floor. Justified since she's the child of two Muggles, and her father decided to teach her how to defend herself long before they knew she had magic. Turns out to be useful since few wizards or witches bother with fighting skills.
• Fix Fic: This fic tackles two major points. One, no responsible adult would knowingly send a child back to an abusive household (and the adult who placed him there to begin with and neglected to check on him for ten years is going to lose a great deal of trust from other responsible adults). Two, a child who has grown up in an abusive home is not going to be well-adjusted and will need a great deal of care and attention to become so in adulthood. Thus, Harry is removed from the Dursleys and gets a new guardian who can provide the support he needs during his emotional and psychological recovery. Despite his reluctance, Snape takes this role seriously and does everything in his power to make sure Harry is safe, happy, and healthy, preventing many of the Adults Are Useless moments from canon in the process.
• Four-Temperament Ensemble: Ron is sanguine, Hermione is choleric, Harry is melancholic and Draco is phlegmatic.
• Foreshadowing:
  • Hermione takes down a much older bully by kicking his knee out and then slamming his head into the floor, catching him off-guard because most wizards just use magic for fighting. Much later, Lucius Malfoy makes the same mistake and is promptly disarmed by someone they considered helpless due to not having a wand.
  • When discussing his "furry problem", Lupin makes it clear to Harry that if he ever sees him in werewolf form, he is to Stun him immediately, wolfsbane or no wolfsbane, due to how dangerous and unpredictable his werewolf form is. This scenario eventually comes to pass when Tonks Stuns him in the aftermath of the final battle because the Aurors are trying to preserve the battlefield as a crime scene and he's eating the evidence.
• For Want Of A Nail: Because of Snape adopting Harry, his status as a spy is exposed to the disembodied spirit of Voldemort, and thus, the events of the story heavily deviate from canon. For one thing, Voldemort is never resurrected in body, instead he resorts to fusing himself with Bellatrix Lestrange and rallies his remaining Death Eaters to attack Snape and Harry in secret.
• Foul Medicine: When Harry is sore all over from his first Quidditch practice, Snape gives him a potion to heal his body that tastes pretty bad.
  Harry: Ugh! That tastes worse than dirty socks.
  Snape: As you might expect, considering they are the main ingredient.
  Harry: Really?
  Snape: Idiot. Of course not.
• Friendly Enemy: Thanks to Harry being under Snape's protection, the Gryffindors and Slytherins are a lot less antagonistic to each other than they are in canon. Jones is dating Percy and Hermione considers her a role model, while Wood, Flint, Ron, and Draco are get along a lot better (particularly with regards to Quidditch, where they find the most common ground apart from Harry himself).
• From Bad to Worse: He had to ask.
  Albus: Oh, Severus? (pokes head around the corner) Did Minerva mention your appointment to the Inter-House Friendship and Holiday Decoration Committee?
• The Gadfly: Dumbledore just loves teasing Snape about his parenting Harry.
• Gibberish of Love: Snape, of all people, when the Blind Date Sirius talks him into goes far better than anticipated, culminating in a heated goodnight kiss.
  Snape: Urgle. Glip.
• The Glomp: Harry has a tendency to hug Snape as much as possible. Snape, having had virtually no positive physical contact in his entire life, is both mortified and appreciative.
• Godzilla Threshold: When Harry and Snape are captured by Death Eaters and taken to a location shielded behind powerful wards, Dumbledore notes that the quickest way through is a brute-force attack that will drain all of his magic. There's a spell that can draw from someone else's magic to restore Dumbledore's and immediately get him back into fighting shape, but it would likely render the donor a Squib. Lupin volunteers because he'll revert to werewolf form instead, and downing a wolfsbane potion beforehand will let him participate in the fight without endangering his allies. However, he runs the risk of being trapped in werewolf form permanently if his magic doesn't regenerate afterward. They decide the situation is dire enough to make the risk worth taking, and fortunately, Lupin is eventually able to regain his human form.
• Groin Attack: Castrato Explosivo. And HOLY CRAP.
  • Hermione helps take down Quirrell by kicking him in the crotch when he's kneeling on the ground.
• Guile Hero: Snape and McGonagall.
• Happily Adopted: Harry is happier with Snape than he ever was with the Dursleys.
• Harmful to Minors: Splatting someone's head with a stone pumpkin, even if they deserve it and it's self-defense, is not something eleven-year-olds should do or see.
• The Heart: Harry becomes some form of this, thanks to being Snape's ward. Because of it, the Gryffindors and Slytherins are more willing to cooperate.
• He Cleans Up Nicely: Just something as simple as practicing basic hair care makes Snape a good deal more attractive as his hair doesnt look like he's been dunking it in a deep fryer anymore.
• Heel Realization: Snape has one after he loses his temper and hits Harry during his first detention. He immediately recognizes that he's an adult hitting a child, which is completely inexcusable, and after reflecting with a cooler head realizes that he misinterpreted clear signs of Harry's abusive childhood as insubordination because of his own resentment for anyone named "Potter." He immediately confesses to Professor Dumbledore (reporting the abuse in the process) and accepts the punishment he's given with minimal complaint, acknowledging that he got off lightly and deserves worse.
• Hoist by His Own Petard: Snape's efforts to get Umbridge fired fail because he's already set a precendent for teachers getting away with such things through his own past misdeeds. Needless to say, McGonagall was grimly amused by Snape's cries of unfairness and abuse.
• Honorary Uncle: Ron and Percy called Snape "Uncle Sev", much to his mortification. And Harry calls McGonagall "Auntie Min" later on.
  • Cool Uncle: And Aunt.
• Honor Before Reason: Snape's opinion of Gryffindors in general. He does his best to instill some Slytherin cunning and pragmatism in Harry to keep this from being the death of one of them, with moderate success.
• Hot Teacher: Snape, after his make-over. Everyone's floored by how good he looks when he's gotten the grease out of his hair.
• Humiliation Conga: Fudge gets one of these, starting with his most trusted adviser unfurling a banner that reads, "FUDGE IS AN IDIOT."
• Hypocrite: Snape acknowledges that he is one of these for killing off Pettigrew without giving him a chance to reform, since he's only where he is due to Dumbledore offering him a similar chance. However, he decides some hypocrisy is worth it if it means keeping Harry safe.
• Hypocritical Heartwarming: It doesn't matter what Snape may call Harry or how he acts with him; if you dare to insult, abuse or bully him in any way he will rip out your own intestine and beat you with them.
• Hypocritical Humor: Voldemort calls Hermione an ABOMINATION.
• I Am Spartacus: The Weasley children attempt this after they disobey a rule against playing football in the Burrow and someone accidentally kicks the ball onto the dinner table, making a mess. It backfires on them, as their unusual insistence on taking the blame makes it clear that Harry must be the real culprit.
• I Want Grandkids: Lily tells Harry that she'd like to have grandkids someday when Harry briefly meets his parents in the afterlife.
• If You Kill Him, You Will Be Just Like Him!: Snape specifically rejects this line of reasoning in Chapter 30, when Harry expresses fear that his own desire to kill Voldemort makes him as evil as the Dark Lord.

  Snape: Voldemort used to go to Muggle villages just to kill people. He sought to hurt as many people as possible. He targeted men, women, and children indiscriminately. He made no distinction between Auror and civilian. He wanted a high body count and when attacked, would use Muggles as shields. It is never acceptable to deliberately kill people who have done you no harm and who are just going about their daily business.

  Aurors, by contrast, may kill in the line of duty, but they do it to protect civilians. In the war, they did not deliberately target the children of Death Eaters, while the Dark Lord and his followers attacked many families just as he did yours. It is ridiculous to say that any death is a tragedy or that all deaths are morally equivalent. There are people who, by their own actions, deserve to die, and killing someone in order to protect yourself or the innocent, is not murder.

• Imagine Spot: When things get too absurd, Snape mentally pens, "Dear (magazine's advice column/Voldemort), I am currently (dealing with playing daddy to the Boy Who Lived). Would (snarky/overkill reaction) be within the norm? Is it considered poor form to cut my own throat rather than suffer through such an excruciating evening?"
• I'm a Humanitarian:
  • McGonagall. If you use a Blood Quill on her students, anyway.
  • Lupin strongly implies this when explaining his "furry problem" to Harry; without wolfsbane, he will obsessively chase down any human he happens across. Even with wolfsbane, it's implied the urge can be hard for him to ignore, hence his insistence that Harry Stun him on sight if he ever runs across Lupin in werewolf form. After the final battle, the transformed Lupin starts snacking on the bodies of Death Eaters and is promptly Stunned to keep him from destroying evidence.
• Implied Death Threat: Dumbledore and McGonagall both give Snape one when they find out he hit Harry. Needless to say, Snape never hits him again.
• I Need a Freaking Drink: Non-alcoholic version, but the prospect of Harry calling him his guardian for the first time is enough for Snape to need two Calming Draughts and a cold cloth on his forehead.
• Insane Troll Logic: Snape can literally count how far the IQ of his fellow teachers drops any time somebody says "Quidditch".
  • As far as Snape is concerned, this is how that brat's mind works all the time.
• Intergenerational Friendship: Between Harry, Sirius and Remus.
• Ironic Echo: Following the troll incident, the Prophet runs a picture of Harry, Ron, and Draco with their arms around each other on the front page. Much later, Lucius deliberately echoes this with his "FUDGE IS AN IDIOT" banner, which has a picture of himself, Arthur Weasley, and Sirius on it to emphasize that if all three of them can manage to agree on something, it must be true.
• Iron Lady: McGonagall, natch. Also Madame Bones, especially after she becomes Minister of Magic. Jones is a teenage version, to the point that Fred and George fear angering her.
• Irony:
  • Snape's threats of punishment if Harry doesn't keep himself safe and do well in school don't have the desired effect of instilling fear of consequences in Harry, but they motivate him anyway, because no one has ever cared enough to do even that much before and he wants to make his guardian proud.
  • Dumbledore spends much of the story worried that Sirius is inevitably going to barge into Harry's life and make a bid for custody, destroying both Harry's sense of stability and his relationship with Snape in the process. He's blissfully unaware that Snape and Sirius have been in contact ever since Sirius escaped Azkaban and have already reached an understanding regarding Harry.
  • Lucius Malfoy escaped Azkaban by claiming he'd been forced to serve Voldemort under the Imperius Curse. He really does get put under the Imperius at the climax, when he's forced to deliver Snape and Harry to Voldemort's clutches. For extra irony points, everything Malfoy did was intended to benefit his family, and before Harry wandered into the Death Eaters' clutches, the plan was to force him to give Draco to Voldesnort as a sacrifice and punishment for his betrayal.
• I Want My Beloved to Be Happy: Familial variation. Upon seeing how happy Harry is with Snape, Sirius chooses not to fight for custody.
• Just Friends: Snape and Brunhilde, the witch Sirius set him up with. While they share a mutual attraction, both acknowledge that they have too much going on in their lives to pursue a serious relationship at the moment and opt to maintain a long-distance friendship instead.
• Killed Off for Real: Quirrel, Umbridge and Voldemort definitely ain't comin' back.
• Licked by the Dog: Harry's near-Hero Worship of Snape defrosts most other people's concerns about him. Snape isn't sure whether or not he dislikes losing his fearsome reputation, or enjoy that others treat him like a human being rather than as something that crawled out from under a rock just to terrorize children.
• Little Miss Badass: Hermione.
• Ma'am Shock: Sirius is horrified when Harry calls him "sir" and "Mr. Black" to be polite. Snape snarks that screaming at Harry and freaking out won't make him stop.
• Malaproper: Harry mixes up Wizarding terms to the point of Running Gag.
• Mama Bear: Unlike her canon counterpart, McGonagall is extremely protective of her lions and she will devour you alive if you mess with them.
• Mass "Oh, Crap!": Pretty much sums up the reaction of male upper years when they realize what spell Jones is about to use (see Groin Attack).
• The Medic: Raising seven accident-prone children has made Molly Weasley very good at medical spells. She comments that she's practically a certified Healer.
• Mirror Character: Snape, to Harry. Despite their very different ages and personalities, both are survivors of childhood abuse and have lingering issues related to said abuse. In particular, both have deep-seated self-esteem issues and are quick to assume others think the worst of them. And both develop a strong bond with the other, finding healing and familial love in their arrangement as guardian and ward.
• Mistaken for Pedophile: While he probably doesn't seriously suspect it, when Arthur Weasley first gets to talk to Harry alone (Snape and Molly being busy fighting in the other room) he asks Harry if Snape ever does or says anything that makes him uncomfortable, or makes him take part in any "secret games" that no one else can know about. When Harry just gets confused and says no, Arthur drops the issue.
• Mood Whiplash: "The Case of the Mysterious Turban" quickly devolves into "Don't Get Killed by Quirrel or Voldemort."
• My Greatest Failure:
  • It nearly broke Dumbledore when he realized Harry was afraid of him. He also regrets having overlooked so much of Sirius Black's misbehavior in school (due to being overly lenient because Sirius was the only Black in centuries to not be a dark wizard), which is part of what drove Snape to Voldemort.
  • Snape feels enormous guilt once he realizes that he had allowed his resentment of James Potter to influence his treatment of Harry, who had never done anyone harm in his life.
• Muggles Do It Hardcore: After Hermione's explanation, nobody ever doubted that Muggles are 1) Psychopaths, 2) Unyielding, 3) More Metal than the blackest black, times INFINITY.
  • Just to specify, said explanation is about Hermione's parents jobs as dentists. Due to the Wizarding World's complete lack of contact with the Muggle world, mundane tasks like dentistry sounds like torture sessions since Muggles can't just magic away all their ailments. She does also get a more conventional Badass moment explaining how Muggles practice basic self defence with no magic.
• Mr. Fanservice:
  • After being broken out of Azkaban and recuperating from 10 years of imprisonment, Sirius Black quickly regains his status as a sex icon in the Wizarding World. His new "suffering the wounds of wrongful torment" story just makes him even more irresistible.
  • Snape turns out to be this once he starts practicing hair care and stops skulking around Hogwarts like a human vulture, allowing his attractive features like his height and jawline to become prominent (like many a Real Life fangirl/boy already knew). Becomes even more so when it turns out he's a great parental figure for Harry.
• Never Mess with Granny: McGonagall, of course. Also, Sprout.
• Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: As much as Lucius Malfoy counts as a hero, anyway. His efforts to further ingratiate himself with the Light end up enabling Bellatrix and her brothers to escape from Azkaban and get him Imperiused into delivering Snape and Harry directly to Voldemort, kicking off the final battle.
• Niceness Denial: As Snape discusses with Harry who his new guardian will be now that he's been removed from his abusive Muggle family's custody, Harry asks if Snape can be his new guardian. Snape asks why he would want such a thing, and Harry says it's because he's nice. Snape vocally protests that he's not nice, even though he was the first authority figure at Hogwarts to notice that Harry had been abused and immediately brought it to the attention of Madam Pomfrey, the school nurse.
• Noodle Incident: When Harry is upset over having to miss playing in his first Quidditch match because he got detention, Ron mentions that a lot of Quidditch players miss games because of detention, including one Slytherin captain who did something so bad she was grounded for half the season.
• Not So Above It All: Snape. Often.
  • Snape is completely opposed to displays of physical affection... unless Harry is the giver or the recipient. He will enjoy hugging the boy while shooting a Death Glare at anyone foolish enough to think about commenting on it.
  • Harry's first Christmas present to his guardian — an essay about his Da and all the reasons Harry loves him — outright reduces Snape to tears. Once he's successfully convinced Harry that he's just suffering from a cold, he tucks the gift away with his most prized possessions.
  • Even Hermione's reverence for teachers can't overcome Umbrige's blatant bigotry, favoritism, and incompetence, and she spearheads the Splat The Toad campaign of anti-Umbridge mockery.
• "Not So Different" Remark: Once he finds out about Harry's home life, Snape gradually comes to realize that he and Harry are not that different, both being raised in abusive households and bullied relentlessly in school.
• No Social Skills:
  • Harry has a mild case of this due to his abusive upbringing, but is naturally outgoing enough to quickly make a few friends once he's away from the Dursleys.
  • Snape, due to a lifetime of rejection and abuse (some of it self-inflicted), has little to no idea how to handle positive interactions with others. At one point, he notes that the only person he's really capable of having civil conversations with is Dumbledore. He ends up developing more people skills as Harry unwittingly drags him into several new friendships. Snape has no idea how it happens. Really.
• Odd Friendship: Snape strikes one up with McGonagall, Sirius, Lupin and Molly Weasley. Also Hermione with Jones and Ron with Draco.
• Oh, Crap!: The two Death Eaters holding down Snape consider changing career paths when they see Harry arise from being Avada-ed.
• One Dialogue, Two Conversations: This happens to the point of being a Running Gag, thanks to Harry being Conditioned to Accept Horror by the Dursleys. For example, he sees most of Snape's punishments for him as rewards because he wasn't allowed to do his homework (writing an essay), practice his handwriting (copying lines), or get new clothes (going shopping) at the Dursleys. Another example comes from dinner at the Weasleys, where Harry starts talking about how Snape doesn't know how to be a parent yet and hasn't figured out how to punish people harshly enough, leaving Arthur reassured that Snape is a Reasonable Authority Figure.
• Pain to the Ass: Malfoy finds out the hard way that his family name doesn't entitle him to special privileges in Slytherin House, when he tries to push ahead of a third year in line to the showers and Flint punishes him by bending him over the back of a sofa and letting the other Slytherins use his backside as target practice for their stinging hexes.
• Papa Wolf:
  • No matter how much Snape denies it, he would go to any length, break any rule, face the Dark Lord and Dumbledore himself without hesitation if it mean Harry's protection. Soon enough most of the Wizarding World learned not to mess with Harry.
  • Lucius Malfoy is a more chilly, stern type.
  • Likewise with Dumbledore. He nearly hunted down Umbridge when he found out she used a Blood Quill on Harry. Also in the prequel, his casual warning to Snape if he should ever harm a student again.
• Parental Substitute: Snape to Harry, as well as Molly and Arthur Weasley.
• Pay Evil unto Evil:
  • What both Snape and McGonagall do to Dolores and Fudge after they try to attack Harry. While Snape managed to personally destroy Fudge's career, McGonagall takes the cake by Transfiguring and devouring Dolores alive.
  • What Snape does to the Dursleys. While Dumbledore forbids him from simply killing or outright mutilating them, he approves Snape's request of enacting a magic campaign of harassment against them, which Snape later enlists Sirius to enact, since Sirius is good-aligned, an experienced prankster, and has a massive grudge against them for hurting Harry. Snape also enlists the aid of an old acquaintance of his criminal father to help him enact non-magical revenge that Dumbledore won't pick up on. While he can't permanently injure the Dursleys, he CAN make life a living hell for them. When Snape visits them as part of the legal process of officially adopting Harry, he notes with satisfction that it takes five minutes for them to stop shaking long enough to sign their names legibly.
• Pint-Sized Powerhouse: Flitwick is considered the best duelist of the entire faculty and he demonstrated why during the last battle against the Death Eaters.
• Power of Trust: Snape finds himself simultaneously frightened and heartened by the nearly blind trust Harry has in him and annoyed by his continued attempts to live up to it.
• Psychic Nosebleed: Hermione experiences this trying to save Harry from falling to his death in chapter 26. Even still, she keeps trying.
• Reasonable Authority Figure:
  • Dumbledore and Snape consider letting the Weasleys adopt Harry, but Snape shoots down the idea on the grounds that Harry needs a full-time guardian. Although they would certainly love Harry, Molly and Arthur already have seven children and will be unable to give him the one-on-one attention and care he needs after 11 years of being abused by the Dursleys. He is, however, fine with Harry visiting the Weasleys and staying at their home for summer holidays.
  • Snape also rejects the idea of either a younger or older married couple (even a childless one) adopting Harry, because any other children or grandchildren they have will distract them and the last thing Harry needs is to be competing with another child for his guardians' attention.
  • Despite his cheery, carefree demeanour, Sirius admits that he's still recovering from his ordeal in Azkaban and cites this as one of the reasons Snape would be a better guardian for Harry than him.
• Refuge in Audacity: Death Eater Black Granted Asylum in Switzerland! Really, Snape?
• Rhetorical Question Blunder: While Snape is laying out the plan of how Harry's life is going to go with him as the boy's guardian, Harry is totally shocked that he's getting his own room. Snape sarcastically asks if Harry thinks he's going to sleep in a cupboard, and is astonished (and furious) when he finds out that, yes, Harry really was made to sleep in a cupboard by the Dursleys for the first 11 years of his life.
• Running Gag:
  • Snape's imaginary letters to various publications and people.
  • Likewise, Snape constantly and ineffectively denying that he's attached to Harry. Or that he enjoys spending time with him. And his indignation whenever someone pokes a hole in said denial.
  • Snape and Harry having One Dialogue, Two Conversations, usually involving Snape being strict with Harry and Harry being impressed/overwhelmed by how nice Snape is.
• Sadist Teacher:
  • Snape tries to be this. See Stern Teacher below.
  • Umbridge fits this mold to a T: not only does she insist on teaching Blatant Lies, she openly favors some students while outright bullying others and lays down unreasonably harsh punishments for small infractions. At one point, she laments that she's not allowed to beat Harry and has to settle for the no-less-sadistic but still-technically-allowed Blood Quill, then outright attacks him when he decides it counts as hurting him (which Snape explicitly told him to defend himself from) and tries to take the matter to an actual adult.
• Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Wizards do love their big words.
• Serious Business: Quidditch, to Snape's detriment. From forgetting that a student nearly killed himself in a broom to nearly starting a brawl in the great hall by the teachers, Quidditch certainly brings out the best and the worst of wizards.
• Servile Snarker: Snape is this to Dumbledore.
• Shout-Out: One of the books Harry picks out is titled "There and Back Again".
• Small Name, Big Ego: Lucius Malfoy.
• Snark Knight: Snape.
• Spared by the Adaptation: Dumbledore, Snape, Sirius, Lupin, Fred Weasley, Hedwig and Tonks.
  • Death by Adaptation: Dolores Umbridge.
• Spit Take: Snape, of all people, in response to McGonagall's "Something I ate."
• Spoiled Brat: Draco starts out this way. His housemates quickly disabuse him of the notion that being a Malfoy actually makes him better by default. Slytherins respect the Pureblood families, but that doesn't mean you can act like an entitled little bastard just because you came out of Lucius Malfoy's balls. Draco finds himself ostracized for his douchebag behavior, but eventually redeems himself by maturing as a person.
• Stern Teacher: Snape ends up being this, while trying to be a Sadist Teacher. Most of his punishments are actually helpful, as Harry frequently points out. Snape constantly blames Harry and his friends for ruining his reputation.
  • Cool Teacher: To his horror.
• Stupid Evil: Lucius, why would you believe Bella right after bragging about renouncing Voldemort to her face?
• Surrounded by Idiots: When you get to know the point of view of Snape for all the decisions around Hogwarts, especially Potter, you can't not only sympathize but wonder how Snape hasn't just snapped already.
• Tantrum Throwing:
  • Harry in Chapter 25, when Snape forbids him from playing in the Quidditch match as part of his punishment for going out and facing a full-grown troll in the previous chapter. Ironically, Snape considers this a good thing, as his research has informed him that emotional outbursts are a normal part of the healing process for trauma survivors.
  • Harry has another outburst after being pulled into McGonagall's office; his frustration from weeks of being harassed and targeted by Umbridge, combined with the injustice of being punished for something he didn't do, boils over and he begins ranting at full volume. Thankfully, McGonagall is understanding and lets him off with ten minutes of standing in a corner and thinking about his actions, plus an Unishment for the original offense.
• Tall, Dark, and Snarky: Snape again.
• They Call Me MISTER Tibbs!: After the Ma'am Shock above, Sirius tells Harry to address him by his name as opposed to Mr. Black.
• Too Dumb to Live: Umbridge's utter lack of self preservation when dealing with an enraged Snape and McGonagall during her "Potter Should Be Silenced" spiel ends poorly. Even Jones admits to being frightened of an angry McGonagall.
• To the Pain: How Snape decides to deal with the Dursleys. After being bluntly informed that a slow, lingering death is out of the question, he enlists some underworld contacts to afflict them with mundane harassment and Sirius to dole out magical harassment (a duty Sirius later passes on to Kreacher, much to the house-elf's glee). When Snape briefly drops in a year later, the Dursleys have been reduced to gibbering wrecks.
• Trauma Button: In Harry's First Detention, Harry accidentally trips Snape's when the man asks him if he's forgotten the rules and Harry says, "No snivel—" He meant "no sniveling," but Snape hears the beginning of his hated childhood nickname, "Snivellus", and it makes him so furious he lashes out and hits Harry. He quickly regrets it.
• True Companions: Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco plus others.
• Tsundere: Take a wild guess who.
• Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: While Percy is not ugly, he is defined as plain while Jones is often described as a very beautiful, willowy... and absolutely scary witch. Like a "saner, controlled version of Bellatrix Lestrange".
• Undying Loyalty: This is shown as being the Hufflepuffs' biggest strength and weakness. During the war, Voldemort had quite a few Hufflepuff followers, who refused to abandon him after he showed his true colors, specifically because their personal creed didn't allow it. It goes even further than the Gryffindors, who will eventually abandon a traitorous or evil companion.
• Unstoppable Rage: Snape has to be pried off of Umbridge after the Blood Quill incident.
• Villains Act, Heroes React: Inverted. Dumbledore may be content to react, but Snape acts and acts fast.
• Villainous Rescue: Slytherin, as far as Hogwarts is concerned. But say what you will about the house, when one of their "Firsties" was in trouble, literally the entire House was moved to battle in seconds. As Harry's attackers learned the hard way.
• Vitriolic Best Buds: Ron and Draco enjoy arguing.
• Volleying Insults: Snape and Molly Weasley end up doing this in the Burrow's kitchen after a misunderstanding regarding Snape's views on corporal punishment. Somehow, it turns into a bonding moment and a friendly exchange of advice. Snape has no idea how it happened.
• Water Wake Up: When Snape visits Lupin at his home when the other man is asleep, he wakes him up with a Aquamenti to the face.
• What Could Possibly Go Wrong?: Lucius Malfoy decides to definitively prove his newfound allegiance to the Light by "getting rid" of a few of the Death Eaters in Azkaban. Then Bellatrix offers to draw up a will naming Draco her sole heir before Malfoy kills her — oh, but it's so hard to write with these heavy chains on... Needless to say, it goes downhill from there.
• White Sheep: According to Molly, Severus' mother Eileen was the only member of the Prince family who wasn't crazy.
• Witch with a Capital "B": This story features Umbridge in all her horribleness. Even the teachers mentally refer to her as "Umbitch".
• You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!: Arthur's and Molly's reaction when Snape announces that he will be Harry's new guardian.
  Molly: That's it. Dumbledore is senile. We'll have to alert the Ministry in the morning.

---