Funny / Last Week Tonight With John Oliver Season Six

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• How John begins the first episode of the season:
  • John states that too many things happened during the three months the show went on hiatus, so he sums it up as "Every single person in America is now running for President, and Jeff Bezos told us all to keep an eye out for his dick pic."
  • John does not let Donald Trump's "hamberders" tweet slip away, saying that Trump will probably tweet about his declaration of national emergency on the border as "The Berder Cornstidutes a Nertional Ederdency."
  • John is perplexed at how Trump summarizes the legal challenges he expects his declaration to have, made more so by Trump accentuating the end of every clause.
    Trump: And we will have a national emergency, and we will then be sued, and they will sue us in the Ninth Circuit, even though it shouldn't be there, and we will possibly get a bad ruling, and then we'll get another bad ruling, and then we'll end up in the Supreme Court, and hopefully we'll get a fair shake, and we'll win in the Supreme Court...
    John: You know, yet another great reason for Trump to not be President is that I now kind of want to see him as a historical expert on the next Ken Burns miniseries. "They killed the Arch-duke, and Germany got mad, and then there were tanks, and also poison gas, and there was a beagle on a dog house flying around shooting at people, and then America won..."
• When discussing how IKEA apologized for leaving New Zealand off a world map they're selling, John does an entire segment about how this keeps happening with world maps, saying how odd it is for a country that's essentially "Times Square if all the people were replaced with sheep, and all the signs were also replaced with sheep", with an absurdly photoshopped visual to match. In the end, he reveals that the show's Twitter feed is providing maps of New Zealand that can be printed out and added to the map of the user's choice.
• When discussing the looming Brexit deadline:
  • John first shows a clip from a British reality show, Love Island, where half the people involved don't even know what Brexit is, then go onto a tangent on whether it'll affect their ability to buy cheese. It says a lot about the discussion that, despite Last Week Tonight's fame for "deep dives", John does not want to dive into it.
    John: There's a lot to unpack there, but I'm not going to because I don't think it should be unpacked. It's like offering to help a friend move, and all the boxes are labelled "dead spiders for mom". You could unpack them, but it might be better to just burn the whole place down and never speak of it again.
  • Clips from another reality show, Gogglebox (which show people's reactions to what they're watching on TV), shows that many people are confused and scared by Brexit. One particular clip has a man, in response to the constant Brexit covering, quoting a mug he saw (which read "New Day, Same Shit"), to the annoyance of his swearing-hating wife, and the man justifying it by having been on the mug. John then jokes that the man places the blame for all his bad decisions on mugs.
    John: (as the man) Another mug I saw said, "I think this marriage just isn't working". It's not my fault, Mary, it was on the mug!
  • When discussing the European boy band "Breunion Boys" and their songs dedicated towards trying to convince Britain to stay in the EU, John states that their music is a reason in and of itself to leave.
    • How do the Breunion Boys try to convince Britain to not leave? Lift up their shirt to show their rock-hard abs while saying "Look at what you leave behind." John isn't impressed, since every British person is already incredibly ripped, including John himself and especially the Queen, thus not needing ripped Euro people, and tells the six-pack "pencil-neck" to get out.
  • When a man whose business is built around transporting flowers between Britain and Europe complains about how Brexit could seriously negatively impact his business, John warns that there shouldn't be any sympathy for the man, as the rest of his interview reveals that he voted for Brexit, because he didn't stop to think about the possible consequences.
  • Once again, John notes that when the show airs in Britain, they won't be able to use part of the story because it uses a clip from proceedings in Parliament. So, John provides British viewers with another clip... from an 80s Chippendales exercise video, with no context whatsoever, after a newscaster says that this is the footage of the meaningful vote's result being announced.
  • The pseudo-Churchillian Rousing Speech at the end.
    "Churchill": (Stephen Fry) We shall fuck ourselves at the ports, we shall fuck ourselves in the shops, we shall fuck ourselves in the hospitals and in the fields. We shall never surrender!
• When Mark Harris dismisses his son's comments about the scandal surrounding his supposed election fraud as "a touch of aggression", John says that sounds like a good name for a restaurant owned by Alec Baldwin, wherein waiters scream the menu at you and then punch you in the face.
• Going into a story about celebrity psychics, John outright admits that he doesn't believe in psychics and isn't going to pretend otherwise.
  • At one point, he shows a clip of John Edward doing a performance for a town of primarily Irish descent, to which he eventually just starts throwing out random Irish surnames in the hopes of getting one right. John states that it sounds like he's trying to guess the true name of the Lucky Charms leprechaun — which John then claims is actually Ibrahim Saladin Al-Saheem, stating that the audience needs to readdress their conceptions of Irish culture.
  • Another clip of Edward shows him making an inaccurate guess about an audience member, but then trying to convince the audience member that he's actually right. John says that Edward should be given credit for "doubling down on a bad guess".
  • A clip showing old footage of a celebrity psychic on The Today Show is prefaced by John saying "I'm afraid it's the exact Today Show anchor that you are hoping/dreading is", revealing him to be Matt Lauer, which ends with Lauer saying that he was "touched" by his reading and "in tears" afterwards. John says this is odd, as usually when Matt Lauer is involved with people being touched, he's not the one in tears.
  • This little response from John on a clip of a local news team busting a phony detective psychic who said that the boy from the photograph she was given is in heaven, unaware that the same boy is alive and sitting right behind her.
    John: That boy is indeed in the opposite of heaven, he's at a Denny's.
  • At the end of the episode, John sets up a fake morning talk show with its own fake celebrity psychic, namely Rachel Dratch reprising her role as Wanda Jo Oliver, John's "wife" from the Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption skits, though now wearing a blonde wig and with a fake Staten Island accent (as she's now parodying a particular psychic).
    John: What happened to your accent? Aren't you from the South?
    Wanda Jo: Uh, I'm not from there anymore!
  • Wanda Jo proceeds to give a blatantly fake spiritual reading, constantly referring to the spirit she's allegedly talking to as "he or she" and guessing random letters and saying that they're all somehow connected to the spirit.
• Once again, John has Gilbert Gottfried dub over a video clip of Jared Kushner speaking.
  John: Look, I don't know when this joke is going to stop being funny, but it's not fucking now, and it probably won't be next time!
• On "Automation":
  • John spending a minute and a half mispronouncing various countries after learning Trump's nicknamed Nepal and Bhutan "Nipple" and "Button" respectively.
    • Then during actual segment, he comments a robot will never take his job because it would make a mistake like spending a minute and a half listing country names Trump would get wrong.
  • John's reaction to old advertisements calling machines "mechanical slaves":
    John: (in an exaggerated British accent) Slaves slaves slaves! Oh, how I have missed them! Yes! Mechanical slaves! If you close your eyes, you can forget that they're mechanical!
  • Bringing up a story of a robot that was sent hitch-hiking across the US, and how it was destroyed in Philadelphia. The robot's creators write it off as saying it could've happened anywhere, but John immediately calls bullshit...
    John: This is a city with a chronic police horse-punching problem. Sending a hitch-hiking robot into Philadelphia is not unlike sending a beautiful bell symbolizing freedom into Philadelphia. There is no way it's going to remain in one piece, and there's a non-zero chance that someone is going to try and fuck it (Gritty appears and starts fucking the Liberty Bell... to which John briefly loses his composure)
• On Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro tweeting a video of a golden shower:
  • John finds out that one news report about it, understandably, doesn't show the video in question, but John is indignant.
    John: Oh, you're not, are you? Well, guess what? We're not afraid, we are going to show it to you, [audience wildly cheers] except of course we're not; what are you cheering for?! This is HBO! This company doesn't show debaucherous sex for the hell of it, unless a dragon is also there to make it okay, that is the clear rule.
  • John notes that in the tweet posting the video, Bolsonaro said "Comment and draw your conclusions." John is more than happy to oblige.
    John: My comment is "What the fuck are you doing?", and my conclusion is you're a terrible President.
  • John speculates that Bolsonaro posted the video, which Bolsonaro claimed showed the debauchery of Carnival, because the Carnival of that year roasted him, best exemplified by how a giant puppet of Bolsonaro at a parade got pelted, which John notes is quite remarkable considering that there was also a giant puppet of Michael Jackson.^ExplanationThe episode aired around the time of the release of the documentary Leaving Neverland, which went into detail about two new allegations of child molestation against Jackson.
    John: How much effort must have gone into that puppet that they still brought it out after the documentary? "Look, I've already sunk weeks into this, and to be fair, the documentary doesn't really tell us anything that as a society we haven't been fully aware of and willfully repressing since 1993, so if you're getting angry about it now, you're either disingenuously riding in the current social wave or you're incredibly fucking naive— Carnival!"
• The main segment on robocalls:
  • While examples of the robocalls themselves that play in the beginning aren't funny there is one that stands out because of an awkward pause.
    Robocall: The reason of this call is to inform you that the IRS is filing a lawsuit against (beat) you.
    John: Ohh, it's a pause in that last one that made it a real cliffhanger! I mean you basically knew where it was going but there was a tantalizing chance to inform you that the IRS is filing a lawsuit against (beat) Nicholas Cage.
  • The two clips that demonstrate spoofing (robocalling a person under the name of somebody they know). One of them is Susan Collins having someone from her staff call her from across the same room they were in under the guise of the IRS. John then calls Susan Collins a proper representation of robocalls by pretending to be something while we get disappointed that she is something else.
  • Another clip is of a security expert named Jim Stickley who calls Jeff Rosen's mother from the latter's own phone asking for her social security number. The unsuspecting mother freely gives it, eliciting a Face Palm from Jeff, and causing the video to get a long "bleep" to censor the number. John then jokes that the reason the number was bleeped out wasn't to protect her identity, but because the social security number was actually "fuck shit fuck cock twat taint jizz shit tits"
  • Another clip shows a caller messing around with a robocaller by trying to get her to just admit to him that she's not a robot multiple times (with each time shrugging the request off by constantly stating "I am a real person/this is a live person" and awkwardly laughing before saying it (with the clip cutting off at the same awkward laugh).
    John: (with a horrified look on his face) That man is dead now. She killed him, stole his skin and now walks among us.
  • John brings up how the only way to contact the FCC so that a person can have themselves removed from all robocall lists (as opposed to just all sales calls that the official "do not call" registry is for) is to send a letter to a PO box. This leads into an epic rant where John goes on about how inconvenient the process of mailing letters is in the modern day (having to find and buy stamps, then find one of an increasingly rare number of mail boxes to use), culminating in him saying he'd rather be dead than having to deal with all that.
  • A clip of Ajit Pai is shown where he condemns robocalls and delivers a speech about fighting them, only for him to answer his phone in the middle of it and announce to everyone that he won a cruise and leaves to take the call. John's initial reaction (doing a muffled sound, as if trying to muster a mock-laughter but giving up halfway through) is hilarious in itself, but his followup is even better:
    John: Ladies and gentlemen, that man is a goober. And Ajit Pai clearly has aspirations for higher political office, but I will argue that that's not gonna work out for him, because Americans can, have and will elect bastards, [shows a picture of Andrew Jackson] morons, [shows a picture of Warren G. Harding] blowhards, [shows a picture of Lyndon Johnson] crooks, [shows a picture of Richard Nixon] perverts, [shows a picture of Bill Clinton] dipshits, [shows a picture of George W. Bush] con men, [shows a picture of Donald Trump] scumbags, [shows another picture of Donald Trump] and shitweasels, [shows yet another picture of Donald Trump] but they will never, ever elect... a goober.
  • True to his tradition with bombarding the FCC with complaints in protest of any controversy on their part or lack of action on issues, this time John records his own robocall and sends it out to the top people of the FCC (which only took Last Week Tonight's tech guy fifteen minutes to do so. The call goes as followed:
    Robo!John: Hi FCC. This is John from customer service. Congratulations! You just won a chance to lower robocalls in America today. (monotone laugh) Sorry, but I am a live person! Robocalls are extremely annoying and the only person who could stop them is (beat) you! Talk to you again in ninety minutes! Here's some bagpipe music. (bagpipe music plays)
  • John tells the FCC that if they want the robocalls to stop all they have to do is look through their terms and conditions that are hidden within the first chapter of Moby Dick.
  • At the end of the segment, he pulls out a giant red button that he states will not start the robocalls to the FCC, because that's just not epic enough and everyone is expecting it. What it will do is cause a giant finger on his set to push a huge red button to start the robocalls to the FCC.
    John: Unleash Hell!
• In his segment on "Public Shaming"
  • John brings up the public outrage over Tucker Carlson's racist comments, citing hashtags such as #BoycottTuckerCarlson, #FireTuckerCarlson, and #TuckerCarlsonFucksHisRoomba.
    John: That last one's not actually trending, but... [grinning] I have a feeling it will be in about twenty minutes.
  • In response to Jay Leno having said around the time the episode aired that he wished "civility" could return to late night shows because of their constant mention of politics and politic scandals, John shows a montage of clips of Leno from his Tonight Show years showing how during the Lewinsky scandal Leno was no better himself, saying relentless Slut-Shaming jokes against Monica Lewinsky. To cap it off, in response to one of the jokes being Leno promoting a book about her called "The Slut in the Hat", John recommends another book to him, "Oh The Places You Can Go Fuck Yourself, Jay Leno!".
• John discusses how, during the confirmation hearings of Dave Bernhardt to be the next Secretary of the Interior, a protester drew attention to the fact that he was a former oil lobbyist by putting on a swamp creature mask (and that up to an hour later, the protester was still there).
  John: It is pretty funny, although I would not be doing my job if I didn't point out that this [shows a picture of Swamp Thing] is a swamp creature, and technically what she's wearing is a lagoon creature mask; that distinction might not mean much to you, but in the gross aquatic goblin communities, confusing the two is actually pretty racist.
• The segment on WWE:
  • John introduces the segment by describing Professional Wrestling as "literally the only good excuse to wear a onesie."
    John: And that's right babies, you're not pulling it off; put on some jeans and a button-down like a fucking person!
  • John mentions how the company was once called WWF until they lost a suit with the World Wildlife Fund, which he credits was "thanks to that fund's powerful team of Panda lawyers."
  • John admits he legitimately likes professional wrestling, including showing a segment from WrestleMania 22 where Edge puts Mick Foley through a flaming table. However, when announcer Joey Styles says "what's gonna happen?" John chimes in "what was he expecting to happen!?"
    John: [imitating an announcer] "Oh, the table's on fire, oh my God, here comes a Hibachi chef and he's making one of those onion volcanoes on the table! Now he's doing indoor s'mores— OH MY GAWD!!!"
  • John notes that among WWE's endeavors is its own film studio, WWE Studios, which produced The Scorpion King, Walking Tall, The Marine film series, "and of course, Lincoln."
    John: By the way, their first choice to play Abraham Lincoln was actually Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, but he wasn't available, so the role went to Daniel Day-Lewis; he was— he was fine.
  • John mentions that WrestleMania is considered one of the most valuable sports brands in the world, even surpassing the World Series.^note In a top ten list, WM ranks 6th, while the World Series is 10th. John can see why:
    John: It actually makes sense when you think about it, because while the World Series is mostly spent watching a millionaire in a button-down think about whether or not to throw a ball, WrestleMania involves things like this:
    [shows a clip of Shane McMahon throwing himself from the top of the Hell in a Cell structure and into a announcer's table at WrestleMania 32]
    John: [ecstatic] Are you not entertained?!
    • John even adds that no other TV show could top that, so he states that every other TV show should be called "Unfortunately Not a Guy Exploding Through a Table" before stating that his show should be included, before showing a graphic for Unfortunately Not a Guy Exploding Through a Table with John Oliver.
  • When John goes through reports of wrestlers who died before the age of 65, John particularly zones in on Fox & Friends mentioning King Kong Bundy's death, and Brian Kilmeade mentioning an anecdote about Bundy lifting him.
    John: Wow, that is a harrowing statement there from Brian Kilmeade, only slightly dampened by his childlike wonder at how high the big man lifted him, and how did that even happen? Did Bundy offer him? Did Kilmeade ask? Honestly, I wouldn't really be surprised if one of his stock interview questions is "Up, up, horsey ride!"
  • John shows a graphic showing the death rate of the population as a whole, former NFL players, and wrestlers, and while the first two are around the same level, the wrestlers' level is considerably higher than the two. John says that one would expect such a high death rate for "Test pilots who lied on their resume" or "Zookeepers who aren't just going to let some fucking baboon screech at them like that."
    John: Hey, hey! Enough sass-mouth there, buddy! Put some respect on my name!
  • John introduces Vince McMahon by showing a shirtless, musclebound picture of him, which John says he took for a fitness magazine, which John says it's called "Scary Grandpa Who Looks Like A Big, Bumpy Hotdog Quarterly".
  • John mentions how wrestling was originally splintered into territories around the country, showing a montage of their respective announcers greeting their audience, which ends with Jim Ross in a tuxedo... right next to Michael Hayes with a pink waistcoat with no shirt, flexing his muscles and mugging to the camera.
    John: Look, I get that wrestling is all about spectacle and pageantry, but a tuxedo, Jim? A tuxedo? Tone it down a notch, you're not at a fucking gala. Michael: As usual, no notes; you look great, keep living your truth.
    • Because of all those territories and different organizations, it was originally alright for wrestlers to be considered "independent contractors" as opposed to employees since they had a choice about who to work for and when, but now that the WWE has effectively monopolized the industry and put all their wrestlers under exclusive contracts, John says that calling wrestlers "independent contractors" is about as accurate as calling Jimmy Carter "a panty-dropping fuck-machine".
      John: It's just clearly not true... any more.
  • John states that, since McMahon is an active character on his company, that gives an opportunity for Catharsis Factor when talking about him, as he has taken a lot of in-ring abuse. This becomes a Running Gag through the rest of the segment as he shows McMahon getting beat up by his wrestlers.
    • After John shows The Rock hitting McMahon in the head with a trash can lid:
      John: [with a face of satisfaction] Wrestling's good, it's just very good.
    • After showing Shawn Michaels superkicking McMahon, then teasing a strip-tease (which actually elicits cheers from John's audience!):
      John: [again with a face of satisfaction] Wrestling is better than the things you like.
    • After showing "Stone Cold" Steve Austin hitting McMahon with a bedpan:
      John: Say what you like about that — still technically more helpful than a visit from Dr. Oz.
    • After showing McMahon get shoved face-first into the ass of Rikishi.
      John: You know, the reassuring thing there is: You can fake being kicked in the face, or hit in the head with a bedpan, but there is no faking that.
  • After going through wrestlers who have accused the company of malpractice regarding health insurance, he mentions CM Punk's claims that they only gave him Z-Pak to the point that he shat his pants on an episode of SmackDown, and that he tweeted afterwards "Just shit my britches on smackdown. Please RT." John calls it "the best tweet ever written."
    John: Seriously, you try and think of a better tweet right now. Have you got one? Does it say "Shit my britches. Please retweet."? Then it's not better, is it? Stand down!
  • John notes that one way that can help is fan response, which had previously criticized the company for its treatment of their female wrestlers and its dealings with Saudi Arabia for their Crown Jewel event, putting as an example the vocal negative reaction fans give Roman Reigns, who the company tried to promote as a Face, at one point even booing him for eight minutes.
    John: And you might think that's harsh, but I'd argue that that was the only rational response to someone with permanently wet hair. How could it always be wet? You look like a pedophile out for a jog! Boo! Boo!
• The episode on mobile homes:
  • John shows an old ad of two women getting excited over a mobile home one of them bought, which is very Ho Yay-laden due to some very suggestive sax music playing in the background. He then points out that anything someone could get could sound like that when that kind of music plays.
    John: (in the same tone as the women from the ad) You got a taxidermied fox?! (same music plays as a creepy stuffed fox is unboxed)
    • The same ad gets parodied at the end, reflecting the harsh realities that the woman who bought the home is going through while the friend she is showing the house to is still completely clueless, to the point that she rans her out of the house with a shotgun. Then the episode's credits showed the blooper reel of said parody, which if anything cranked the Ho Yay up to eleven.
• When returning to the opioid epidemic, quotes by pharma king Richard Sackler are given to Michael Keaton ("intimidating heir who doesn't like the spotlight"), Bryan Cranston (fiction's best known drug dealer), Michael K. Williams who played Omar from The Wire (another drug dealer) and Richard Kind (to make clear Sackler said "I don't know" several times in a deposition to the point he deserves to be mocked, and after noting that the three previous actors are all cool while Sackler looks quite like a dork).
• YOU KILLED JIGGLYPUFF! JIGGLYPUFF IS DEAD NOW! WHY DID YOU THROW IT SO HARD?!
  • "Chijohn's Journey" is both hilarious and heartwarming.
• When discussing Australian politician Clive Palmer, John notes how he's basically just copying Trump's campaign tactics. He particularly pokes fun at how Palmer is running on a slogan of "Make Australia Great", saying that when it's lacking the "Again" it's comes off as pretty insulting to the country.
  • John also brings up how Palmer is constructing a replica of the Titanic called Titanic II, and lists all the things wrong with that idea: the name is too simplistic, especially since the real Titanic's actual sister ships had better ones; the name Titanic is synonymous only with size and sinking, but there are larger modern cruise liners, so now it just invokes sinking; and all of Palmer's talk of reliving the spirit of Jack and Rose is nonsense since they weren't real people.
• Lethal Injection:
  • The segment opens up on a video of a desert tree frog, a frog which croaks like a squeaky toy (which is the species' war cry). John then clarifies that that's not what the main story is about, he just wanted something cheerful to show before getting into it.
    • In response to the head of the Oklahoma corrections department confessing to using Wiki Links "or whatever it is" as a source to include the drug midazolam in a botched execution, Last Week Tonight bought the domain name "wikileaksorwhatever.com", which now shows a large banner reading "Midazolam doesn't stop people from feeling pain, please stop using it in executions" and added in the angry, squeaking frog to cut the tension.
      John: What a frog!
  • Wyoming State Senator Lynn Hutchings' justification of the death penalty: If it weren't for Jesus Christ dying under and resurrecting from it, we wouldn't have hope. A baffled John takes this to mean that if we kill enough people, another Jesus will emerge.
    John: Papa needs a new pair of Jesuses!
  • Twice, John reminds people that Game of Thrones (which he calls "the greatest lead-in in TV history") will soon be ending. The second time, he tacks on "in three weeks, this network is fucked."
    • Also, the context of that second mention. John lists all the various drugs usually involved in the lethal injection process, noting that they sound like alien races in a sci-fi book series, which he says HBO is probably already auctioning the rights for in order to produce as "Game of Space Thrones".
• Green New Deal:
  • After explaining that Ocasio-Cortez' idea has merit, John goes into a very long tangent comparing the issue of climate change to having to flee England because you'd fallen in love with a mob boss' wife.
    John: And it's kind of a life, I suppose - eking out a living reading off stats and jokes once a week on premium cable, but not a night goes by that you don't dream of the white Sardinian sands, and the soft lips... of Isabella. (Beat as an acoustic guitar plays) ...Just an example.
  • He then brings on Bill Nye to demonstrate how a carbon tax would work. He's unimpressed with Bill's first, dry explanation, so John requests that he jazz it up while explaining the long-term ramifications. Bill explains the ramifications before launching into this.
    Bill Nye: And because for some reason, John, you're a 42-year-old man who needs his attention sustained with tricks, here's some fucking Mentos, and a bottle of Diet Coke. Happy now?!
    John: (Bouncing in his seat with joy) Yes I am happy! I am happy! The Coke went high! The Mentos made it fizzy, I love it! I love it, Bill, I love it I love it I love it!
  • He brings Bill on one last time to sum up the short, so Bill brings out a globe, a propane torch, and several ways to extinguish a fire. He then sets the globe on fire and says while he could easily put it out, in the real world the problem is much more complicated and will cost money. He settles for trying to blow out the fire like a candle, fails, then gives up and lets it burn. Poor Bill just sounds at his wit's end when explaining the consequences of global warming. After he storms off...
    John: I think we've all broken Bill Nye. And I for one am absolutely on-board with his new gritty reboot.
• John opens the story about medical devices by first talking about how much good they often do, including a news story about a elderly woman whose hip replacement allows her to take lead in a senior citizen dance group called "Moms In Da Hood". John then messes with the audience by pretending that the group are making a guest appearance, only to quickly reveal they're not.
  John: You think they're coming to a post-Game of Thrones HBO? They're Moms In Da Hood, they have better things to do! It would be a waste of their valuable time!
• The 2019 UK Conservative Party leadership election.
  • At the start of the segment, when mentioning Theresa May's pending resignation, John again plays clips from Gogglebox, that British reality show that shows actual footage of people's reactions to what they see on TV, now about May's resignation. One in particular has a woman saying that she has no sympathy for May because she had three years to work on Brexit only to "fuck it up" and get it "gloriously wrong". In response to that last comment, John shows something that he says really is gloriously wrong, specifically all the fireworks at a planned 45 minute show all going off at once.
  • When discussing leading candidate Boris Johnson, John brings up various comments made about him by other British politicians, including one that actually called him "fucking stupid". Also he plays a clip of Johnson tackling a child during a publicity stunt rugby game.
  • Another candidate, Michael Grove, is noted to have claimed to love rap. Yet a clip shows that during an appearance at a school, his response to a child asking him what rappers he likes is to quote lyrics from Wham!. To which John waits a beat before saying "fresh" (in the same way he usually says "cool" whenever showing someone acting Totally Radical).
  • When discussing another candidate Rory Stewart, John notes that he too has been accused of tackling a child during a sports game (specifically a young Prince Harry). But then John notes that in the clip of said incident, the person who tackles Harry is blonde, whereas Rory is brunette. This leads to what John calls the "Second Rory Theory." ("It's a bit difficult to explain, and I don't have time to get into it now, but basically: we think there's a second Rory.") This leads to a 5 minute gag of John going over the footage with all the intensity of a Conspiracy Theorist discussing the Kennedy assassination, noting that there are actually three people in the footage who might be young Rory. He ultimately decides, that most likely, Rory is the one who actually doesn't do anything to manhandle Harry, with John deciding that Rory has been allowing these accusations to persist because (going by the actions of the other candidates and past Prime Ministers) the most likely way to become Prime Minister is to be weird around children.
• The ERA:
  • Most of the segment discusses the Equal Rights Amendment, and how it's very close to becoming law in America — but there are thirteen holdout states, one of which is Florida. John then shows a clip of two young women in Florida being interviewed about the ERA, and the reporter informs them that their state is a holdout, to which they both respond with exasperated groans.
    Woman: [not sounding too surprised] Oh my God, I am so tired of living here!
    • John then points out that their exasperation is exemplified in the fact that the woman, her friend, and the reporter all seem to be dressed for different climates.
  • At the end, John calls on the thirteen holdouts to ratify the ERA.
    • He admits it's almost certainly not going to be Alabama.
    • When he brings up Mississippi, he stops upon realizing that they have the Confederate flag on their state flag and chews them out for it. John admits that Mississippi could ratify the ERA, but it would be really out of character for them.
    • He encourages Virginia to ratify it, since, as the birthplace of Chris Brown and Pat Robertson, "You owe us this!"
    • And finally, he says he really hopes it's not Florida, because he doesn't want to have to give Florida credit for this.
• John's (infinitely more ethical) solution to the problems discussed in the Mount Everest episode is simply to enable people to pander on social media, just by creating fake photos of the summit.
  • John shows off his own fake summit the end, bragging about how he's the first British man with glasses in a navy suit to climb Mount Everest and shoos away the sherpa helping him.
  • In one clip, a white tourist on an Everest expedition questions the morality of the tourists being there to one of the sherpas. The tourist is relieved with the sherpa's answer of "we're all a big family" instead of "just sherpa and client" and the two men hug. John reminds him that the relationship is just sherpa and client and calls the hug "a man squeezing the white guilt out of another man".
  • In response to the fact that the majority of people going to Everest aren't really mountain-climbing enthusiasts and are really just interested in getting bragging rights and cool pictures, John suggests that they instead visit Makalu, the world's ninth-largest mountain. He then states that he made up such a mountain, only to then double back and say that it is real but is actually the fifth-tallest, and also that the picture he's been using is the view from Everest, not Makalu. All to make a point about most people's general knowledge about mountains.
  • When it's mentioned that one person who climbed Everest did so in order to make the world's highest phone call, John says that he hopes the guy wasn't using AT&T or the call wouldn't go through. He then takes a moment to give a very heartfelt apology to "business daddy" about all the jokes, because he does feel that they have a genuine connection... and then says that he's glad that connection's not on their network, or it'd be dropped by now. The camera then pulls back as confetti cannons go off, John celebrating that he managed to zing AT&T twice in such a short amount of time.
  • Following a couple of clips describing the brutal effects that “the Death Zone” (the area above 26,000 ft that has only 30% of the oxygen that’s at sea level) has on the body, most notably that it can cause your brain to be squeezed out of your skull:
    John: Well that’s delightful! I’m just a little surprised that those descriptions didn’t just keep getting worse and worse. "Your brain is squeezed out of your skull, your nipples retract into your chest and start stabbing your heart, your kneecaps continually explode, reform, and then explode again, and the bones in your arms and the bones in your legs switch places."
• On Jared Kushner's Middle East peace plan:
  • After John shows a clip of Trump expressing his trust on Jared brokering a peace deal:
    John: Of couse he is! Jared's racked up an impressive list of accomplisments in his 38 years on Earth, from having a very smooth shiny face to end of list.
  • When John goes to show a clip of Jared talking, he again shows a clip of Gilbert Gottfried dubbing him over instead:
    John: The man is a once-in-a-generation orator, he's like Cicero reincarnated as a garbage disposal...
  • Then the clip of Jared actually explaining his plan is shown, where he says that it requires people on the Middle East to stop "doing terrorism." John's reaction speaks for itself:
    John: Yes, after years of thinking about it, Jared's arrived at the conclusion that the Middle East would be better off if people stopped "doing terrorism." Just think about the chain of events that led him to that moment: Jared had that idea, "not doing terrorism" and thought, "That's an awesome point, I'm gonna write that down." So he did, and then he went to sleep, exhausted by the thought. He woke up next morning, read what he'd written, and he was like, "Yep, nailed it, I'm a good boy!" Then he said that point, unembarrassed, out loud in front of actual human beings.
• From the Warehouses segment:
  • The clip opens up with a woman discussing the convenience of ordering on Amazon Prime.
    John: Now I know she might sound lazy there, but you simply can't blame Ashlyn Aardema. She spent all her life at the beginning of every alphabetical list, she's never had to wait for anything!
  • This commentary on Amazon's video trying to portray their warehouses as funny, breezy workplaces:
    Narrator: Finally, Jackie gives every box a long and loving hug before loading it onto a truck.
    Jackie: No, I don't.
    Narrator: Oh. Maybe just this one?
    Jackie: Okay.
    (Jackie hugs the box and small drawn hearts pops out)
    Narrator: Aw! You love it.
    John: Hold on! Hold on! Saying "You love it," after coercing her into hugging a box is gross! And it's frankly telling that on YouTube, and this is true, comments are disabled for that video. Presumably because Amazon knew that the only reasonable response to this is "Fuck everything about this!"
  • When discussing a story of a women dying in a warehouse after being denied a break, two very different testimonies are discussed: the warehouse company adamantly contradicting witness accounts while refusing to hand over any reports that LWT requested (revealing that they never even wrote them), and an informal but straightforward Facebook post about employees being forced to still work even as a dead body laid on the ground. John legally can't say that he believes the Facebook post because at least it recorded something of the event. He really really wants to say that, but he's not allowed to so he's not going to say what he's said three times already.
  • At the end, the show does a parody of Amazon's video:
    Narrator: Every day, thousands of things arrive and Sean goes to find them! Tell us about yourself, Sean.
    Sean: I pick up products, and I'm a horrible dancer.
    Narrator: Oh, that's fun! Can we see some moves?
    Sean: (reluctant) Oh... I've already walked 12 miles today...
    Narrator: (with more than a hint of a threat in his voice) I said "dance"!
    (a clearly unwilling Sean starts dancing awkwardly, suddenly one of his knees makes a cracking sound)
    Sean: Ah! Fuck! Shit! Ah!
    
    Narrator: Lisa here packs your stuff in boxes. Don't you, Lisa?
    Lisa: Can't talk now! I'm running behind on my "units per hour"!
    Narrator: Aw, it's okay. Tell us a little about yourself. Liz.
    Lisa: (stops packing) I'm a mom. Got two kids. I don't see them as much as I like—
    Narrator: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR KIDS, LISA! YOU'RE FALLING BEHIND!
    Lisa: (frantically starts packing again) Shit!
    Narrator: Faster! Faster! FASTER!
    Lisa: Oh, fuck you!
    Narrator: NO, FUCK YOU!
    
    Narrator: And finally, Jackie hugs every box.
    Jackie: No, I don't.
    Narrator: Aw, maybe just this one?
    Jackie: Okay.
    Narrator: (threatening-sounding) Because a lot of people want this job.
    Jackie: (nervously) Okay...?
    Narrator: (chipper-sounding again) One day a robot will hug boxes, and we'll be done with this whole charade!
    Jackie: (resigned) Yeah... I get it...
    Narrator: (back to threatening-sounding) But until then: Hug the box, Jackie.
    Jackie: (now scared) Okay. Um...
    (Jackie reluctantly gives the box a brief, awkward hug and small drawn hearts pops out)
    Narrator: Good. Now, kiss it.
    Jackie: (about to cry) I don't want to!
    Narrator: Kiss the box.
• On UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson:
  • When John explains that Johnson's bumbling persona is really a well-cultivated image which helps him recover following controversies and scandals, he adds that this disproves the similarities to Trump, since it's impossible to imagine Trump having that same degree of self-awareness.
    John: (impersonating Trump) Look, with "covfefe", the tactic was to present myself as a kind of sub-literate clown and to distract you from the fact that I'm a mound of skin tautly stretched across the howling chasm of the space where a soul should be.
  • John's remark after Johnson notes that ping pong was initially known as "whiff whaff", and was invented on an English dining table:
    John: The French looked at the dining table as a canvas upon which to create exceptional cuisine, while the British saw a way to basically invent mouse tennis!
  • John recalls how as a young journalist, Johnson was fired by Times of London for completely making up a quote:
    John: His editor claims Johnson "was the single worst employee he's ever had" and "skipped many work days to hang out with his best friend, Jeffrey Epstein". Which is terrible! It's not true, I just made that quote up! But now you can see just how irresponsible it is to fabricate them!
  • After showing a video of Johnson stating that he would accuse the EU of waging a war on anything, including "prawn cocktail crisps", John notes that it's a real snack, which happened "when a country looks at a dining table and forgoes food in favour of playing whiff whaff".
  • John later tastes some prawn cocktail crisps, gagging and saying that "It's like eating a cremated mermaid, but in a bad way!"
  • After a clip of Johnson insulting Muslim women:
    John: That is an appalling comment that leaves a truly disgusting taste in your mouth.....much like the shrimp crisp dust that has very much voted to Remain on my fucking tongue!
  • A BBC Newsnight reporter has some cutting words for Johnson:
    Reporter: I've spoken to one figure, who said that working with Boris Johnson is like walking a few feet behind a horse shovelling its shit.
  • Oliver sums up Johnson by comparing seeing Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral vs having him in United 93. Oliver's re-enactment on what that would look like being priceless.
  • In a Meta sense, the show received some backlash from British fans.....due to John's mockery of the prawn cocktail crisps.
• On Prison Labor:
  • John opens the segment with a very poorly aged clip from a once-beloved children's entertainer explaining what prison is.
    Bill Cosby: All those people who are in prison right now were kids once just like you. (cut) And then somewhere along the way they did something wrong, something dumb. (cut) Whatever it was, it probably started small, became bigger, maybe they even got away with it at first and thought they'd never caught. But they were wrong. Now, they're in prison.
    John: Yes, they are! It's almost like they should've really seen this coming.
  • John points out how the state of California employed some prisoners to help with the firefighting effort during the great forest fires, but also how, when said prisoners' terms are up, they are not allowed to use those skills they learned in civilian life, because California works under a law that bars people with a criminal record from working in emergency services.
    John: Which means that being a firefighter in prison, is not unlike being an Art History Major in college. It maybe be fun while you're in there, but you're not going to be doing it once you get out! Do you hear that, Thessaly? You're going to work in human resources. You're going to have a favorite coffee mug and a throw pillow that says "It's wine o'clock somewhere!" And you're going to stare out the window, yearning for the sweet release of death. Just. Like. Everybody. Else!
• On President of Turkmenistan Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov:
  • In response to a rumour that Berdimuhamedov had died, the Turkmenistan government aired clips of Berdimuhamedov doing certain activities...very physical activities, with the videos being shot in a way that it couldn't be proven that Berdimuhamedov actually did them, and in virtually all cases being clearly edited. Including doing donuts around a flaming crater. Seriously.
  • Delivering yet another "fitness bro"-esque Trash Talk in response to a clip of Berdimuhamedov lifting a bar:
    John: Look, I hate to say this to a fellow lifter, but that shit's weak, bro. You did one rep, and there weren't even weights on the bar! Even when I'm taperin', I stack more plate than an omakase! My body's stuck on beastmode, and there's no off switch! You wanna know how I got these two boulder shoulders? By putting in my time, at my Fortress of Swolitude! I'm just sayin', bro, take note, cuz I burst out of suits like I'm Meghan Markle. Whoo!
  • Reacting to "Sportly Turkmenistan" (a song about the importance of sports Berdimuhamedov recorded with his grandson) with a deadpan "Fire."
  • John actually doesn't begrudge Berdimuhamedov for his bizarre obsession with Turkmenistan's national horse, the Akhal-Teke, explaining that while he himself doesn't want to fuck horses, if he were a horse, he'd totally be down for fucking an Akhal-Teke.
  • Playing a clip of Berdimuhamedov faceplanting during a horse race, noting he probably finds it very embarrassing and would prefer people see it as little as possible, then playing it twice more, once with a closeup.
  • And the piece de resistance - making a world record-breaking cake showcasing that particular image.
• On Bias in Medicine:
  • As an example of gender bias in medicine, a clip is played of Katherine Leon, a woman with heart problems, being denied medical attention and told to "Go home". John has this to say in response.
    John: Wow, that doctor managed to find literally the only time in which telling someone to go home is bad advice. Cause, having a bad day at work? Just go home! At a party, stuck to a guy who wants to talk about bitcoin? Go home! You're on second, and your buddy grounds a single into left field, the outfielder picks it up and throws it to first as you round third but you realize he's overthrown? Go home! Go home!
  • Talking about a documentary's jarring comparison of 83,000 excess deaths in the black community to an airliner falling out of the sky each day for a year —
    John: You don't need to take a number that's already a disaster and put it in terms of another disaster. 83,000 deaths is like four double-decker buses driving into each other every six hours. It's thirty-two hot-air balloons exploding every minute for a week. It's the death of Princess Diana 83,000 times.
  • On racial bias, the racist belief that black patients are drug dealers had caused a black woman with Lupus to become afraid of visiting the doctor, and John sympathizes.
    John: Of course you'd be frightened to go to the doctor if you feel they treat you like a drug dealer. I'm terrified of them, and the worst thing doctors ever say to me is 'Mr. Oliver, you're 42, and you should no longer need to be bribed with a lollipop to get a flu shot'. But I want one! I want a wowwipop. I've been very brave, give me a wowwipop.
  • A clip of some Wanda Sykes stand up plays as an example of racial bias where she talks about how black people do not get prescribed opioids by doctors, only "ibu-fucking-profen". The episode ends with Wanda Sykes coming in, shooing John out of his chair and finishing up he episode. When discussing changes that must be made to inaccurate medical information in the medical field, Wanda proposes a solution to people currently facing medical bias: bring a white man to describe your problems to the doctor, which is shown in an app in which Larry David does that.
• On the segment about Brexit negotiations under Boris Johnson:
  • John starts describing Johnson as, "If you want to make one at home, the recipe is simply: Boil one clown."
  • When showing a video of Johnson's parliament defeat, a man can be heard shouting in the video "Not a good start, Boris!" At the end of the segment, he states that's a good way of summing it up all.
  • John notes that the situation was so chaotic that one report stated that an amendment was passed by accident. He compares that with accidentally shaving Henry Winkler's face into the fur of a moose.
    John: What the fuck was happening in your life, that that could happen inadvertently?!
  • John plays a clip of the Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow admonishing one Member of Parliament by yelling at him "Be a good boy!" John muses that "if he's gonna speak to a British lawmaker like he's talking to a dog, I really hope he also speaks to dogs like he's addressing British lawmakers."
    John: [imitating Bercow] Would the Right Honourable gentleman Mr. Waggles please finish licking his ballsack? OR-DEHR! OR-DEHR! Very rude!
  • John once again reminds the audience that in the UK, Parliament footage can't be shown on a comedy show, so this time, it is replaced with an Irish Catholic sex ed video from the 1980s, featuring an elder woman being amazed at how God made the vagina, in particular how "slippery" it is.
    John: I know, I know: Hawt, right? It's genuinely difficult to decide which part of that is the most sexy: The reference to God, the uninterrupted eye contact, or the absolute dream of hearing her say the word, "slippery". It all works for me, it's all good for me.
  • John notes that even Boris's own brother, Jo Johnson, renounced to his government post, stating on Twitter that he was "torn between family loyalty and the national interest", and ending the tweet with "#overandout". John can't decide which is worse: The man saying that staying with his brother compromised national interest, or ending said statement with a hashtag. John eventually suggests other hashtags featuring combinations of "#BoJo" (one of Boris's nicknames) and "#JoJo", before finishing with just "#HotterBrotherWiselyAbandonsSloppyIdiot"
  • John reacts to the exasperated reaction of a bespectacled English commentator with bangs about the issue by saying, "English me is right.^note Keep in mind that John is English already. He missed the memo about losing the bangs, but he's right."
• On Filibusters:
  • John shows a clip from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington where Jimmy Stewart's character is delivering his famous monologue before collapsing. After the clip ends, he dares to do a Take That! on a Sacred Cow when it comes to actors:
    John: He was a bad actor. They were all pretty bad back then, but he was especially bad.
  • John mocks senators for their needlessly long filibusters and the stunts they pull to keep it going:
    • Strom Thurmond debating a civil rights act for 24 hours straight with his aid waiting with a bucket for Thurmond to relieve himself while still on the Senate floor.
    • Rand Paul messily eating candy in his thirteen hour filibuster of Obama's CIA director nominee.
    • Ted Cruz creepily reading Green Eggs and Ham in protest against the Affordable Care Act.
      John: I do not like that man Ted Cruz. I do not like his far-right views. I do not like his stupid chin. I do not like his smarmy grin. I do not like him with a beard. I do not like him freshly sheared. I do not like Ted Cruz at all. That man Ted Cruz can suck my balls.
• On Legal Immigration:
  • John opens the segment by describing immigration as the thing that brought America Albert Einstein, Yo-Yo Ma, and himself. He then notes "And obviously, fuck, marry, kill, respectively".
  • A clip showing politicians talking about immigration ends with Ted Cruz. John seamlessly does a Call-Back to the Green Eggs and Ham bit from the previous episode:
    John: I do not like that man Ted Cruz. I do not like him in the news. I do not like what he just said. I do not like his boxy head. I do not like him wearing glasses. I do not like him kissing asses. I wish he'd never get one vote. That man Ted Cruz can lick my scrote.
  • Also, describing his own show as "Sad Zazu's Mildly Interesting Explain Train" and the Running Gag of Emily Dickinson's poem about Death having a big, fat dick. (It Makes Sense in Context.)
  • While Trump ranted on "chain migration" and mentioned he wants to cut greencard sponsorships to just spouses and children, it's revealed right after that Melania's parents became naturalized US citizens through their daughter's sponsorship. John points out both the blatant hypocrisy in the situation, as well as Trump's mother in law being only one year older than him.
  • John explains the different types of visas people are allowed to come to the US under, including his own, the 0-1 visa, "For persons with extraordinary ability in... arts." The audience cheers him on for it:
    John: I know what you're all thinking deep down, and FUCK YOU!
  • After detailing how much the Trump administration has slashed the number of refugees allowed to enter the country a year, John jokingly suggests that by 2020 it'll be reduced to one. The hypothetical lone refugee is a young Middle Eastern guy named Zaid. At which point, Trump's new slogan and message used at his rallies will be "Get Rid of Zaid".
• On the impeachment inquiry against Donald Trump (aka Stupid Watergate II)
  • When showing a news clip discussing the reason for the impeachment inquiry, the call Trump made to the Ukrainian President asking him to investigate Joe Biden and his son Hunter, and said news clip reporting that Trump insisted eight times on the investigation during the call, John says that "the only time it makes sens to ask for the same thing eight times in a single phone call is if you're trying to connect with the customer service agent for AT&T!"
    John: BOOM! I got you, business daddy, I got you! You genuinely bad company!
  • John notes how the show used to call Trump's Russia scandal "Stupid Watergate", which means that they had to look for a new name for this scandal. He notes that they considered "Stupid Watergate II: Look Who's Stupid Now (The Same Guy)", "S2pid Watergate", and "sTWOpid Watergate", before setting on "Stupid Watergate II: The Stupidest Watergate."
  • When noting how Trump mentioned both Attorney General William Barr and Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani on the call, John notes how he mentioned "someone so involved in the government they should be nowhere near this kind of petty dirt" (Attorney General Barr) and "someone so involved in petty dirt they should be nowhere near the government" (Giuliani).
  • When noting that the transcripts of the call were stored in a server destined to top secret information, John compares it with having a folder reading "Finance Records", while showing such a folder onscreen. A mouse arrow then appears closing in on the folder, to which John pleads not to click on it. It does, anyway, revealing that the folder contains pictures of hamsters in speedos.
    John: OK OK OK, here's what that is: Yes, you have found my collection of hamsters in little speedos; it's not a sex thing... I mean, that is a bit of a sex thing, but we don't have time— we don't have time to get into it!
  • When discussing the President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky, John notes that he is a comedian who played the President of Ukraine in a sitcom. But John also mentions an old, less-known comedy routine of his in which he and another guy pretended to play the piano with their penises.
    John: Yep, he played the piano with his dick. And just spare a thought for the guy next to him who did that and somehow didn't get elected President of Ukraine! A few years later he's stuck playing dick music alone in an open mic in the basement of a Chinese restaurant; show business is cruel!
    • The clip is brought back towards the end of the segment, when John is discussing how this scandal is different from previous ones Trump had in the sense that it was relatively easy to understand, comparing it with selling the White House or changing the national anthem to the song Zelensky was playing on the piano.
      John: That guy might be a key player in the impeachment of an American President! [with a blank expression on his face] What a fun time to be alive.
  • When John mentions Rudy Giuliani, he once again mentions (much like he did on the episode dedicated to him) that he was once married to his second cousin.
    John: Now, is that point strictly relevant here? No, but I would argue that, like Giuliani and his first wife, it is not unrelated.
  • John reports how during a phone call with a reporter, Giuliani was reported to say, "It is impossible that the whistleblower is the hero and I'm not. And I will be the hero!" (to which John responds with a sing-song-y "No-you-will-not-be"), before saying that the best case scenario for him is to become one of the participants of The Masked Singer.
    John: People will briefly not know that you are Rudy Giuliani, and you will nearly be the hero, but eventually you'll have to take your mask off, and then you'll be yourself again for the rest of your life, and it will be fucking terrible.
  • John then states that one of the reasons Giuliani is working as Trump's lawyer is because he is going through a divorce, before noting that, according to one of his complaints, his estranged wife took the remote control with her, leaving him limited to using his iPads to watch TV.
    John: Because Rudy Giuliani, cybersecurity expert and Donald Trump's lawyer, is seemingly unaware that you can buy new remote controls at Best Buy!
• During the story on compound pharmacies, John notes how these pharmacies will sometimes fill out fake customer prescriptions using the names of celebrities or fictional characters. So of course, this comes up again at the end of the episode, as John puts together a video message from some of those named by the pharmacies in such cases — David Schwimmer, Method Man, Jimmy Kimmel, RuPaul, Michael Bolton, Kristen Bell as Sarah Marshall, and Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer — taking the pharmacies to task.
  • At one point, Sutherland gets really into character as Bauer, threatening to give the pharmacy executives his trademark, as the camera slowly zooms in on his face as the lighting darkens around him ominously. And then it smashes back to a freaked out Method Man.
    Method Man: Jesus Christ.
  • In reaction to a point brought up during the story, that compound pharmacies are also used to make medicine for animals like parrots, Michael Bolton reveals that he loves parrots, and that "Can't Smile Without You" was written about a parrot that left him... for Method Man.
    David Schwimmer: (looking deeply confused) What the fuck?
  • Jimmy Kimmel repeatedly claims that he's the best late night show host, and complains about how somebody keeps winning his Emmys.^note Last Week Tonight has repeatedly won Outstanding Variety Talk Series and Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series at the Emmys.
• On China's One Child Policy:
  • John calls a Creepy Child from an old Chinese propganda video reminding people that having more than one child is against the law an effective way from disuading parents from doing so.
    John: Congratulations Mrs. Jeong, you gave birth to a healthy little agro narc!
  • John's brief explanation of the gender disparity at the beginning of the segment is followed by a clip of "the most miserable place in China.", a village where lonely, single men sulk with nothing to do. The reporter's Brutally Honest description makes it funnier.
  • A birthplanning worker (basically a spy within the work place watching out for potential pregnancies) at a factory is asked if her fellow female workers find her constant questioning about things like their periods and sex life intrusive and if it makes for resentment. The woman confidentaly says no and that the other women are grateful for her concern.
    John: If there's anything I know about women, and there definitely isn't, it's that they love to be asked detailed questions about their periods at work! Seriously, just go up to a collegue and say, "How do you like that diva cup girlfriend? Do you wear it with a period thong to prevent leakage? And how about that absorbant period toilet paper?
    • Turns out the female writers who wrote the joke told John that one of those things isn't real, only they didn't tell him which one. He guesses it's the diva cup because it "sounds like what Mariah Carrey demands all of her beverages come in."^note  It's actually the period toilet paper.
  • After showing a clip of a pickup agency training men how to pick-up women, including a man practicing magic tricks, John helpfully explains the trick:
    John: At the beginning, the hoop and the chain are separate, and by the end, any woman he's talking to has disappeared.
  • The Running Gag of John stating that pandas are hideous, and the reason they're endangered is because they don't want to have sex with each other.
  • One of the long term consequences of the one-child policy is a child obesity epidemic due to overindulgence of only children, leading to nicknames like "little meatball". John says it's mean to call a kid that if they don't like it while also gushing over a picture of a chubby little boy, using the same nickname affectionately.
• On Stupid Watergate II update:
  • John describes Stupid Watergate II as "the least wanted sequel ever, closely followed by every Pirates of the Caribbean sequel."
  • After testimony from United States ambassador to Ukraine Bill Taylor regarding the Trump-Ukraine scandal was described as "the most terrifying day in Congress", John says the last time described as that was the day Orrin Hatch got bangs.
    John: I respect you for trying something new, Orrin, but absolutely not.
  • After it was reported that Trump's personal attorney Rudy Giuliani had butt-dialed a journalist, leading to the reveal that it was apparently a regular occurence (to the point one said "Everyone has a good Rudy butt dial story"), John wonders how one could butt dial someone on a smartphone, since it would require to unlock the phone, scroll through their contacts and then dial.
• On the Brexit deadline extension:
  • John describes Brexit as standing for "Bad idea, Really bad idea, EXtremely bad Idea, and Toodle-doo!"
  • John notes that the deadline was initially set for October 31, on Halloween. Demonstrating good memory, John considers it the worst thing to be added to Halloween since Playboy in 2014 released a "Sexy John Oliver" costume.
    John: What were you thinking, Playboy?! The original John Oliver is already the sexy one! You're putting a hat on a hat, guys! It's a two-hat situation right there!
    • Made more hilarious in that, just as the uproarious laughter from the audience from showing the model in costume was dying down, someone in the audience did a wolf whistle, which reignited the laughter.
  • When UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson said that he would rather be "dead in a ditch" than to ask for a deadline extension for Brexit, John shows a picture of him in unflattering street clothes,◊ saying that his hair, wardrobe and general aesthetic already could be best described as "Big Ditch Energy."
  • When it's reported that Johnson eventually had to do an extension request, but did so by sending a note for an extension request that was unsigned, while sending a note saying the exact opposite that was signed, John ends up going on a tangent about signatures.
    John: How are signatures still a thing that matters anyway? We live in an time where actual robots exist, but if you want to make something official you need to write your own name weird. "Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client's name is on the murder confession, but I ask you this: Is it wiggly?"
  • John then shows a clip of a MP that showed that the MP hadn't read the withdrawal agreement bill that was up for vote, comparing it with how *NSYNC not reading their contract before signing it led to their manager stealing millions of dollars from them.
    John: But honestly, deal aside, they should have known not to trust him; I mean, look at that guy, [shows a picture of the manager with the band, and does a close-up to him] if anyone is gonna rip you off, ♪ it's gonna be him! ♪
• On Voting Machines:
  John: Voting. Among other things, it's the only way to get Sean Spicer off Dancing with the Stars. So far, he's danced the red wedding, the "Woody from Toy Story after his third divorce", and this... (clip of Spicer in a green shirt dancing with his partner and into a sliding finish) ...Cool. He is dressed, and dancing there, like the Chernobyl Musketeer. Please, America, vote this man out of everyone's misery.
• On SLAPP Suits:
  • John points out how Bob Murray's lawyers wrote HBO a threatening note about how getting a lawsuit from him would result in the company being "in for the fight of its existence." John takes a moment to assure the audience that as long as HBO is sitting on the Game of Thrones IP, the company will probably be fine. No sooner has he said this before a brief Thousand-Yard Stare wanders across his face.
  • John mentions that Murray attempted to get a gag order forced on HBO, which would have prevented them from rebroadcasting the episode or even having it online. John reassures the audience that the piece is "still on the internet, big time" and links through to http://Stillontheinternetbigtime.com
  • When Murray brought the case up to the West Virginia Supreme Court, John realises that one of the judges was Justice Allen Loughry, who the show previously discussed:
    (cuts to an old segment playing Allen Loughry's campaign ad)
    Loughry: Hi, I'm Allen Loughry and I'm running for our Supreme Court. It's Loughry as in Law and Free. (words "Law & Free" appear on the screen) This is my house, come on in!
    Loughry: There's the kitchen, something smells good! (an image of chocolate chip cookies appears)
    Loughry: In my family room, my wife Kallie Loughry and my son Justus Loughry (word "Justice" appears, then changes to "Justus") Yes, Justus Loughry.
    Justus: Yes sir!
    (cuts back to John)
    Past John: (in a Texan accent) Yep! I call my son "Justus", I call my dog "Preamble" and I call my penis "the Gavel"! Vote for me! (mimes banging a gavel) Boom! Boom!
    (cuts back to the present)
    John: Oopsie! I mean, as far as things to say about a judge before he makes a ruling on your case goes, claiming he calls his penis "the Gavel" is maybe not the best choice! Even though, look at him, he clearly does.
  • At the end of the segment, John breaks out into a musical number about all the horrible things that Bob Murray couldn't have possibly done in order to tell him in so many words to go fuck himself without allowing him to legally sue them. Midway through the song an HBO lawyer (played by Brian d'Arcy James) comes in and makes John stop... ...so he can have a verse all to himself.
    Lawyer: See ya in court fuckface!
  • All the outlandish claims made about Bob Murray by John and all the other back up singers and dancers in the musical, including that he started World War I (and later indirectly started World War II by discouraging Hitler from continuing to be an artist), masturbates to Schindler's List, breaks into people's homes to ejaculate in their Wheaties, is the Zodiac killer, doesn't like Tom Hanks, wrote the Macarena and, as elaborated on in step-by-step detail by the above-mentioned lawyer, shoved candy up his asshole in the M&M store and tried to make people eat it. Mr. Nutter Butter also returns, this time singing in a barbershop quartet about how Bob Murray fucks squirrels. John then brags about how Bob cannot sue them because the claims are too weird to be considered slander and are all jokes.
    John: If we discuss Bob Murray in a way that no reasonable person could construe as factual, then we can say whatever the fuck we like!
  • All this is even better when one imagines John pitching the musical number to HBO's executives.
• A Stupid Watergate II update:
  • John describes it this time as the sequel that could only get worse if it added Jar Jar Binks. He then claims that Jar Jar Binks is scheduled to testify before Congress next Thursday.
  • John notes that Trump supporters have several excuses for the scandal, starting with arguing that nothing happened (complete with Laura Ingraham saying with a straight face "Attempted bribery isn't in the Constitution!"). John sees a problem with that.
    John: If you tried to blow up an airliner and your vest doesn't go off, you don't get to go "Well, no harm, no foul" and then sit there watching Detective Pikachu for the rest of the flight!
  • John notes that the next argument is that it happened, but it was totally fine, showing one Republican county chair that alleges that, saying "Do we want Trump not to be Trump?" John in indignant.
    John: Yes! Yes! So badly! I want Trump not to be Trump more than anything else in the world right now! I would take any kind of Freaky Friday situation! I would honestly be happy if he switched bodies with a racoon; and honestly, Trump probably would too, he wouldn't have to deal with the impeachment inquiry and he'll get to keep his all-trash diet; it's a win-win!
  • John then shows that another argument is that it's too boring to care about.
    Stuart Varney: I mean, with Richard Nixon, there was a break-in; with Bill Clinton, there was sex in the Oval Office, with Trump, it's a phone call, to Ukraine. What the devil is that all about?
    John: Oh, I'm so sorry this gigantic abuse of power isn't sexy enough for you, stupid. Although, I will say, if robbery and sex are what you want, the Russia scandal had hacked emails and Trump did pay $130,000 to a porn star; do either of those scandals turn your crank, Stu? Pick the Trump scandal you prefer, the beauty is: there's one for everyone!
  • Finally, John states that there's people who argue that it's too complicated for people to understand, showing a Fox News contributor who claims to not even know what quid pro quo means or what language it is from, to which Steve Doocy has to tell him it's Latin.
    John: Yes, yes it is Latin. And the only thing there more shocking than the stupidity is that watching someone be accurately corrected by Steve Doocy! A man whose business card reads, and this is true: "An Idiot."
• The Census:
  • In the beginning of the segment, John calls the census the only reasonable excuse to let strangers into your home, unless they have candy.
  • The show runs an ad from the 80s encouraging people to take part in the census with a very nice song which John compliments. ("Of course, it's no "Eat Shit Bob") but then he snarks about the giant, creepy Mickey Mouse in the ad snorting cocaine.
    John: That's a fact! A Disney fact!
  • The Disney Fact becomes a running gag throughout the episode.
  • Trump is vehemently opposed against the census and makes wild and false claims about the questions that it asks, including the number of toilets you have in your house. A perplexed John replies nobody asks that, but the answer should be four toilets for everyone, "One for pees, one for poops, one for guests, and one for groups."
  • John explains how the census asks simple questions, such as your name and the name, number, and relation of the other household members, including babies, which is shown in a 1940s training video of a woman answering those same questions to the census worker visiting her house. The normal video becomes unintentionally, hilariously creepy when the topic of babies comes up, and John and the audience are horrified by the woman's answer.
    Census worker: Are there any babies in the house?
    Mrs. McGee: (cheerfully) No, not anymore!
    John: What kind of a weird fucking answer is that?! I'm calling it right now, that woman ate her baby!
  • Another video of a census worker visiting someone's house comes up, only the man answering is extremely hostile to her, refusing to cooperate with her questions, recording the encounter and claiming that there have been cases of census workers coming into people's homes and raping and killing them, which the census worker takes with a calm and collected demeanor. John comes to the woman's defense.
    John: Two key things there. One, that census worker seems like a real nice lady who has never killed anyone, and two, you are being so obnoxious that I would understand if she was tempted to break that streak.
  • In the end, John encourages fellow Americans to take part in the upcoming census if not for the country, then just to annoy Trump, adding in to even throw in the number of toilets you have to piss him off some more.
• "Chiijohn" is full of these:
  • John misses his friends in Japan, and tries to contact them with a bottled message because it's a more reliable method than calling them on AT&T.
  • To deliver his message, John heads to the docks. He uses all of his physical strength to throw the bottle as far as he can... the camera follows the bottle as it hits the water 2-3 meters from John.
  • Upon receiving the message, Chiijohn and Shinjo-kun feel sad for John. He had AT&T.
  • They pack their stuff and head to a nearby fish shop to say their goodbye to the local fish. The fish respond "we're dead" but wish them luck regardless.
  • In the plane, some poor Japanese man gets the middle seat between Chiijohn and Shinjo-kun. According to the voiceover, it's not the first time he's gotten stuck between two giant otters on a flight.
  • In New York, the two search for John. After some hijinks, a man on a comedy club they found agrees to lead them to "TV's best late show host". The two find themselves on the set of Late Night with Seth Meyers, and figure out Seth Meyers is too funny and handsome to be John.