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- The very first line of the show is actually a subversion a what would become the running "Welcome, welcome, welcome..." greeting: "Welcome, welcome, welcome to whatever this is."
- The first use of celebrities, responding to a cutesy ad for a website that didn't work with a similar deal starring Lisa Loeb.
- During his segment on Nintendo's lack of same-sex marriages in Tomodachi Life, John shows a few clips of Nintendo's other characters enjoying those rights. Mario and Link kiss, Peach and Zelda have a Sexy Discretion Shot, Yoshi marries Toad (complete with Yoshi doubling in size by kissing him), and finally, Bowser (with a mustache) receiving death benefits after his longtime partner Donkey Kong passes away. To make up for that last one, it then cuts to Bowser and Donkey Kong both alive and well, now having brunch together.
- In the segment on police militarization, a real-life advert for a police M113 armored personnel carrier note is shown. The advert is ridiculously over-the-top, and accompanied by a song called "Die Motherfucker Die."John: [singing like a heavy metal singer] WE'RE GONNA STOP A BURGLARY AT LITTLE CAESAR'S, WE'RE GONNA STOP A BURGLARY AT LITTLE CAESAR'S, ARGH, ARRRRGH!!!
- Stephen Hawking himself administering multiple third degree metaphorical burns to Oliver over the course of their short interview.John: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes, does that mean... that there is a universe out there... where I am smarter than you?
Stephen: Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.
- John follows that train of thought, to see if there are any universes where he gets to go on a date with Charlize Theron:Stephen: No.
John: What, not at all? In no univers—
John: In none of the infinite universes does that happen.
John: It's completely beyond the bounds of scientific possibility, is what you're saying.
John: [beat] ...Quick follow-up question: in any of those of potential universes am I the one rejecting her, and that's why it doesn't work?
Stephen: No. You do realize that typing a response is difficult for me, correct?
John: Ok, yeah, sure, I'm just trying to play this out, see if there are any hypothetical universe—
- He then tries to put Hawking's IQ to the test.John: Look, if you're so smart, what number am I thinking of—
John: ...It was-it was thirteen, I was thinking of thirteen... Um... Okay, that was a lucky guess, what am I thinking right now?
Stephen: That you've been a huge disappointment to your family.
John:...[swallows] I wasn't thinking that. Why would I think that? Y'know, I'm trying as hard as I can. Why is that so hard for them to understand, hypothetically? I wasn't thinking that.
- John follows that train of thought, to see if there are any universes where he gets to go on a date with Charlize Theron:
- The entire segment about Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott."Australia is for real Australians, like Tony Abbott, who was actually born in London, England."
- When discussing FIFA's request that Brazil change the law in order to allow alcohol in sports stadiums, they played a clip of a French FIFA official asking them to do so.note John then continues:John: [in French accent] Maybe I look a beet arrogahnt, but uh, how you say, fuck your laws, and your pooblic saff-ty. Is zat right?
- Also, regarding the fact that FIFA has a billion dollars in the bank when the chairman says that they're non-profit.Sepp Blatter: This a reserve.
John: A reserve? A reserve of a billion dollars. When your rainy day fund is so big you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks, you might not be a non-profit anymore.
- Also, regarding the fact that FIFA has a billion dollars in the bank when the chairman says that they're non-profit.
- "Antarctica: Stop Coming Here!"
- When pandering while describing the issue with Dr. Oz, Oliver brings on George R. R. Martin to demonstrate pandering.
- In setting up his interview with Pepe Julian Onziema, a Uganda LGBT activist, John showed a clip from a Ugandan morning show that Pepe was on. The first question out of the interviewer's mouth was "Why are you gay?" Naturally, thinking this is how all interviews in Uganda start, John had this as his first question for Pepe.
- The fake attack ads against Allison Grimes and Mitch McConnell. Especially the latter.For too long, politics in Washington have been dominated by old, white, wrinkled dicks. And no dick is older, whiter, or wrinklier than Mitch McConnell's.
(a close shot of an old, white, wrinkled penis appears)
Think about that, Kentucky. And don't just think about it — look at it.
- The discussion of gambling addiction commercials in Singapore.
- When discussing Kansas possibly profiting from porn, John rattles off a series of Parallel Porn Titles, capping with (to milk The Wizard of Oz connection) "Swallow the Yellow Dicks' Load".
- He takes it all the way. He describes the various items for sale, and advises people to treat this like a charity auction, where people overpay for things that they don't really need. This is finished with him advising the people of Kansas to buy an 18-inch double dildo and proudly display it in their living room, and when they have guests over, to take it off the shelf and wave it in the faces of the guests.
- John Oliver, sad over the broken prison system of America, tries to talk to a bunch of Muppet children about his worries. One of the kids says that his dad is in jail for a minor drug offense. John agrees with the kid that his dad probably shouldn't be in prison for that. But then one girl speaks up.Muppet Girl: Well, my daddy's in prison because he killed four people!
John: [a little stunned] Well, okay, he's actually a dangerous individual who NEEDS to be in prison.
- As well as the crocodile whose father is behind bars too... at a zoo.
- You can see John Oliver Corpsing after the above line, covering his mouth to hide his smile. He recovers in time to respond to the crocodile with a straight face.
- Also, he talks about how a woman had sugar put in her C-section. The Monster kid then asks what a C-section is, if it's the Letter C (which he pulls out). John Oliver says that's what he means.
- A good portion of his Nuclear Weapons segment is him detailing the utter ineptitude of the system and people watching over these Nuclear Weapons, culminating in:Let's recap: That within the last 12 months, we were in a situation of the event of us launching a nuclear strike, the president's command would have theoretically gone through a man gambling with fake poker chips, who would have then tried to call a drunk guy wrestling with a Russian George Harrison, who would have needed to send someone with a bag full of burritos to wake up an officer and tell him to grab an LP-sized floppy disk and begin the solemn process of ending the world as we know it!
- There was also this:Some of our most powerful weapons are Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles, I.C.B.M., which is both an acronym, and what you would say if you saw one coming at you. That's a little joke for all you gastroenterologists out there.
- There was also this:
- Due to laws in Thailand that prohibit insulting their monarchy, John is put on their military watch list (as a threat, no less) after he does a segment mocking said monarchy. His response is to complain about their reveal of his middle name and to promptly burn several more bridges by insulting all the monarchies of countries that have similar laws.
- Syrian president Bashad al Assad has LMFAO and Right Said Fred among his iTunes purchases. The former leads John to note that "a guy with the political interests of a young Joseph Stalin and the music tastes of a 14-year-old girl from Orange County named Tiffany. The latter brings Right Said Fred to sing a version of "I'm Too Sexy" ("You're an Asshole"). And John looks downright giddy carrying a sign◊.
- During the coverage of the Argentine banking default, when it's revealed that one of the American hedge funds that lent to the government apparently tried to repossess one of the country's naval crafts after they couldn't sufficiently pay their debts:John: Just... just think about that. A secretive millionaire's hedge fund essentially boat-jacked a warship, like a Somali pirate in an Armani suit.
(picture of Barkhad Abdi as Muse wearing a gray three-piece appears on-screen)
John: I am the captain of industry now! I am the captain!
- When covering the issue of the Wage Gap between men and women, John closes the show with a faux commercial for "Ladybucks", a way for corporations to pay women the same amount of money as men, but with the value being 83 percent the value of actual currency. One notable payoff is when a female employee gives her male employer a "thumbs up" when he peeks in her cubicle, but then flips him off with both hands the second his back is turned.
- The Side-Effects Include... gag capping off the Ladybucks add (which honestly should be what happens to businesses using the wage gap):
- The entire discussion on the Scottish Independence debate, especially John's mini-rant on British Prime Minister David Cameron.News Clip: He's seen in Scotland as the personification of everything that's wrong with England and the UK.
John Oliver: Yeah, I agree with that. He embodies all the things I hate most about England and I'm English! Let me prove this to you. (photo of several Oxford University students, including Cameron) This is a picture of him as a student at Oxford. He's in f***ing tails! Now, Cameron says he's desperately embarrassed by that photo, which is why it pains me so much to be showing it to you.
- Law and Order: Civil Asset Forfeiture Unit, featuring more than a few cameos from Criminal Intent.
- The "How Is This Still a Thing?" segment on Columbus Day, points out that Christopher Columbus is hardly someone to look up to, seeing how he was involved in the enslavement and murder of many Native Americans. It is then suggested that Italian Americans should find someone more admirable to celebrate as a hero:
- The reason why robots in home improvement retailers are not a good idea, plus the follow-up Home Depot Commercial.
- Basically, the entire first few minutes of the State Legislatures and ALEC episode showing how they're basically Cloudcuckoolanders full of racist and loud, angry people. Though, it quickly goes into Fridge Horror territory when he says they're the ones passing most bills. Yes, those loud, angry, and racist people pass more bills than Congress.
- The part where Duvall and Miller, two California state legislators, talk about their spanking fetish into a microphone that they didn't know was turned on is funny in its own right, but John's Take That! just takes it.John: It's not really a surprise that you made that mistake with a microphone, you don't seem like someone who can tell whether something's turned on or not.
- The part where Duvall and Miller, two California state legislators, talk about their spanking fetish into a microphone that they didn't know was turned on is funny in its own right, but John's Take That! just takes it.
- The Salmon Cannon, in which John goes Shamu Fu on a truly impressive number of celebrities. Naturally, the first victim is Jon Stewart while hosting The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, who looks at where the salmon landed with a "dafuq?" expression. The reactions of the other celebrities are priceless. Among others...
- Two characters from The Young and the Restless desperately trying to maintain dramatic tension despite one of them getting hit in the face by a salmon, and staring at her partner incredibly awkwardly.
- Jimmy Fallon's "thank you notes" skit is interrupted by him getting blasted by not one but two salmon in short succession.
- Tom Hanks getting annoyed when he gets hit a second time.Tom: HEY!
- Wanda Sykes gets hit in the face.Wanda: ...what the hell?!
- David Letterman holding the salmon that landed on his table in utter confusion.
- Wayne Brady getting smacked briefly while hosting Let's Make a Deal—a show that's already pretty weird.
- J. J. Abrams getting annoyed and outright quitting directing The Force Awakens. Shortly before R2D2 gets hit with a salmon as well.R2D2: (electronic squawk)
Chewbacca: (wookiee roar)
JJ: SHUT UP, CHEWIE.
- Stephen Colbert at The Colbert Report somehow not corpsing.
- A certain someone on Grey's Anatomy giving a "I don't get paid enough for this shit" look after getting hit. Her patient also flatlines.
- And, last but not least, Homer Simpson getting hit repeatedly in the face until he gets buried in salmon. Followed by a muffled "Mmm, salmon..."YouTube comment: I wish all those shots had happened on those shows that night, with no context or explanation.
- The parody ad attacking the Washington Redskins name.
- In his segment on payday loans, John points out that many payday loan companies get celebrities to star in ads to help boost their publicity. In response, he shows a parody ad featuring Sarah Silverman, where she recommends a wonderful alternative to taking out a payday loan: "Anything Else", i.e. she suggests doing literally anything else instead of dealing with the predatory industry of payday loans. Some of her suggestions include selling sperm or blood, throwing oneself in front of a rich guy's car because he'll throw money to make the person leave, and for seniors, taking things, because who would stop an old person?Sarah: The point is, no decision in your life will be worse than dealing with these payday loan motherfuckers. (The word "MOTHERFUCKERS" appears on-screen to reinforce her point) They're motherfuckers! They're fuckers of mothers!
- In the Student Debt segment, John expresses shock that for-profit colleges can cost five to six times as much as community college, then says that for that price, you should really get to hang out with a study group full of lovable camps for six seasons and a movie.
- On pharmaceutical companies spending more on marketing than on R&D:John: Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside of you than being effective once they're in there.
- The show prepared a farewell message for Radioshack to use, with the commercial asking What the Hell, Hero? at the jokes made at their bankruptcy.
- From the How is This Still a Thing? featurette on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue:Narrator: Even S.I. seems to know it's losing relevance — which may be why, every year, like clockwork, they provoke an attention-grabbing controversy, whether it's using other countries' citizens as props [...] objectifying woman with an actual object [...] or this year, baiting the media with THIS bullshit.
(The 2015 issue appears, featuring model Hannah Davis pulling down her bikini bottom)
Carl Quintanilla: When the line goes this far, what's left?
Narrator: The vagina. The vagina is what's left.
- The footage of Vladimir Putin, after making a big show of Russia's military force while visiting Egypt, having to listen to his country's national anthem be butchered by a soggy, off-key brass band. He looks so sternly bellicose that even John cracks up.John: (barely containing his laughter) LOOK HOW ANGRY HE IS! And yet, he's got to just stand there and take it!
- John when talking about our infrastructure and how highway funds get money from a gas tax, but the tax hasn't increased with inflation.John: The fact that it hasn't increased means that in real terms the gas-tax has gone down 39% since 1993. Much like koosh ball sales or respect for Bill Cosby.
- John tries to make infrastructure exciting with a fake movie trailer called "Infrastructure", featuring Edward Norton and Steve Buscemi.
- This exchange:John: Here's how obvious our need is — just two days ago, even a total idiot agreed.
[cut to Donald Trump at the 2015 CPAC]
Trump: We have to rebuild our infrastructure! Our roads are crumbling; everything's crumbling, and we're rebuilding China!
John: Okay, now, glossing over whatever the fuck he was talking about regarding "rebuilding China", that upside-down piece of candy corn in a wig made of used medical gauze is right!
- "You've been Badgered!"
- When John makes the red-tailed hawk the official raptor of Last Week Tonight, a live hawk is brought out to demonstrate. John does his level best to keep going while cringing in fear of it, and the trainer even stretches his arm so it will be closer to John.
- Watch closely: the trainer looks at John cringing, and then grins at the audience before he sloooowly moved the hawk closer.
- John takes on the government surveillance:
- After flying to Russia to interview Edward Snowden, he waits for an hour longer than he expected to - and halfway through that hour, he was informed that their Russian producer had booked them a room that overlooked the former KGB headquarters, and current FSB headquarters in Russia.
- He also asks random people on the street who Edward Snowden is. The answers he got range from "I don't know" to "He's the founder of WikiLeaks," the latter of which actually refers to Julian Assange. John then said to not confuse Snowden with Assange.
- John frames the debate in terms everyone can understand: dick pics. Snowden has an amazingly baffled look upon opening a folder John has told him contains very sensitive information. It's a picture of John's dick. The level of Innocent Innuendo in the explanation given by Snowden of the programs that follows (e.g. "Upstream is how they snatch your junk" and "PRISM is how they pull your junk out of Google, with Google's involvement") is huge.
- John's look of terror at the conclusion of their interview, when Snowden tells them that now they're "associated" and the NSA will be putting him on "the list".John: Okay, just to be clear, NSA, I never met this guy [a still picture of the interview is still on the screen] so take me off your f***ing list! 'Cause I do not want to get stuck in Russia! [running through Moscow] I-wanna-go-home-I-wanna-go-home-I-wanna-go-home-I-wanna-go-home!
- "Standardized tests! The fastest way to terrify any child with five letters outside of just whispering the word "clown"!"
- The episode starts with school-made videos to motivate kids during testing season, including of one of a pep rally with a monkey mascot. John says that the videos put him in the mood and calls in the monkey.
- After a heartwrenching video of a eigth grader giving a tearful speech about how she was asked to leave her AP classes due to her low test scores, John calls the monkey in again, only to yell at him for making the girl cry.
- When teacher pay getting tied to student test scores gets explained:John: That explains why the signs that used to say "believe in yourselves" now read, "Don't fuck me on this!"
- When John rolls out his mascots for various federal agencies, the mascot for the Bureau of Alcohol, Firearms, Tobacco, and Explosives is Bob Balaban... that is, the real Bob Balaban, standing there in a jacket and tie, looking awfully confused. You honestly get the impression that they hired him and then deliberately told him nothing about the gig, just to sell that reaction.
- The sequel to his disdain for FIFA (or as he called it "FIFA II: Electric Boogaloo"), when the news hit of FIFA officials being arrested. To say he was gleefully and hilariously vindictive would be an understatement; he probably had jokes prepared years in advance in case this happened.John: It's like a Sony executive green-lighting a sequel in the middle of watching Aloha. "This is absolutely terrible and I need to make sure there's more of it. We'll call it Aloha 2: This Time We Mean The Other Meaning."
- And the followup to that: just two days after he ran the FIFA II episode talking about the arrests in the FIFA scandal, the universally hated president of FIFA Sepp Blatter resigned. Oliver at the time, due to the unlikelihood of Blatter leaving office, mockingly asked FIFA sponsors in the previous episode to pull support in order to pressure Blatter by saying he'd wear a truly ridiculous pair of Adidas shoes, take a bite out of everything in the Dollar Menu at McDonald's, and even drink a Bud Light Lime. Despite the fact (stated by John himself) that there was no indication of any of those companies pulling sponsorship or that Blatter resigning was because of them, John proved he was a man of his word and did all three; Special mention goes to the Bud Light Lime segment: while he said he'd claim it was delicious, he never said about what he'd say before drinking it.John: ...Bud Light Lime tastes like Jolly Green Giant's ejaculate, it tastes like the Great Gazoo urinating in a public pool or a lime Jolly Rancher fished out of Mickey Rourke's mouth!
John: The reviews so far have been phenomenal: The Guardian said that, "As cinema it is excrement," and The New York Times called it "...one of the most unwatchable films in recent memory." And remember, this is the same week the Entourage movie came out. #THEBOYSAREBACK
- Not only did Oliver drink the bottle, he CHUGGED IT.
- His remark about the Dollar Menu? "It's like there's a party in my mouth and my stomach has called the cops to have it shut down!"
- There was also the matter of Blatter's resignation happening around the same time as the North American release of United Passions, a biopic about the history of FIFA that had been financed by FIFA and was suspiciously glowing in spite of the years of accusations of corruption directed at the organization.
- His comment about the Adidas, which was unfortunately almost lost in the crowd's reaction: "Who needs arch support when you look like Louis XIV going to a rap battle?"
- Not only did Oliver drink the bottle, he CHUGGED IT.
- Discovering that Thailand has a weird obsession with Hitler, featuring him in chicken restaurants, laxative ads and boy bands, John suggests Rip Taylor as a better replacement — he's also ostentatious, fun, and has a mustache, but isn't a reviled genocidal madman.
- On his segment, John got Helen Mirren to narrate for the CIA Torture Report Book. Afterwards, he got her to narrate a Beatrix Potter book to alleviate the disgust of torture, this is what he got:Mirren: "But while Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-tail were on their way to pick blackberries, Peter was chained to a wall in farmer McGregor's basement. He'd been badly beaten, and a tray of carrots and raisins was pureed and rectally infused."
- During his segment on online harassment, John rickrolls the audience twice and briefly brings back the "Carlos Danger" dance after an Anthony Weiner joke.
- The spot-on recreation of a '90s Internet ad, replacing its characters with two men marveling at how they can use the Internet to destroy women's lives, all with the same cheerful delivery as the original.
- In order to celebrate the "Leap Second", LWT staff bought the domain name "JohnOliverSecsTapes.com" - John points out that no one had thought to say it out loud prior to purchase.
- The 5-year montage of all the conservatives who predicted that Obamacare would soon be repealed, ending with one still thinking about trying to repeal it.
- During the Pride Week episode, John plays a clip from CNN where the commentators seem eminently fearful of a picture of an "ISIS flag" marching unnoticed at a parade in London, speculating about its purpose and calling in one of the network's terrorism analysts. What nobody reporting happened to notice, however, is that it wasn't a "very bad mimicry" of the actual ISIS flag, but a parody by sexual activist and performance artist Paul Coombs, with all the writing replaced by dildos and butt-plugs. And, yes, CNN held on the graphic image for over 7 straight minutes. John delightedly mentions that, as of airtime, not only had they not apologized, but had ignored the incident completely.
- July 4th, the annual American tradition of reminding the sky who runs shit.
- While talking about stadiums and discussing how they failed to stimulate the economy, he brought out a clip of an economist saying that it would be more stimulating for the economy to take the money that would be spent on the stadium and dump it out all over the city and let the populace grab it and spend it. This led him to pitch a new Reality TV show.John: Tune in this Sunday for Ryan Seacrest's Billion Dollar Dump! ONLY on NBC!
- From the same episode, Oliver talks about a group of fans who created a rap song to promote the idea of a stadium by noting that San Diego was the "second largest" city in California, as if rappers normally boasted in any of their songs about being the second best anything.John: Yo, I got the second-hottest car 'cause I'm the second most paid / When I go to the club, I get the second most laid! Second most! Second most! I'm up there! I'm #2, yo! #2!
- From the same episode, Oliver talks about a group of fans who created a rap song to promote the idea of a stadium by noting that San Diego was the "second largest" city in California, as if rappers normally boasted in any of their songs about being the second best anything.
- John getting baffled by Laibach and their work.
- The advert encouraging Canadians not to cheat on their spouses has a few gems.
- "Moose, you keep right on moosing. This doesn't concern you."
- Showing a bunch of idyllic locations supposedly of Ottawa, then admitting it's actually Paris.
- The segues into random sex acts, such as "unsolicited cunnilingus" and finger banging in the carport.
- "So in conclusion, don't have sex with someone else's husband named Gordon. Have sex with yer OWN husband named Gordon."
- John having a bunch of kids sing a modified version of the 50 States song describing how Congress is screwing over Washington, D.C.
- The kids, having a blast, are smiling brightly as they sing about the injustice with Lyrical Dissonance.
- Highlights include "'cause some asshole with a rider who might live in Tennessee can destroy a needle program for preventing HIV!"
- The song ends with the suggestion that, if people only want there to be 50 states, then "let's all kick out Florida 'cause no one thinks they're great." Repeated twice, and sung in three-part harmony!
- Concerned that teenagers aren't getting decent sex-ed from their own schools due to statewide abstinence-only mandates or low funding, John puts together his own star-studded instructional video.Laverne Cox: Here's how you put a condom on a banana.
Megan Mullally: Oh, this is a lot less curvy than I'm used to.
(Nick Offermannote nods at the camera with a "Yeah, that's right" grin on his face)
- Near the beginning of the segment, Oliver screens a now-famous clip from the 1974 film "Linda's Film on Menstruation", featuring a young Jonathan Banks as "Johnny", Judy's befuddled boyfriend who can't understand how she's suddenly doing so well at the bowling lanes; at the very end, Banks appears to bitterly remark that periods don't actually make you any better at sports.
- Especially funny for Gravity Falls fans - it's impossible to hear Mabel explaining puberty and sex to you without laughing.
- While showing several pro-abstinence videos, one example is a man showing a woman's ragged sneakers, claiming the entire football team has been in them. While the woman defends herself saying she made them all wear socks, the man responds "socks don't protect my heart." John's angry not because of the metaphor of shaming his wife, but because "socks don't protect my heart" might be the funniest line said on the show, and the show's team hadn't written it.
- John is impressed with the creativity of one teacher putting a sock on his foot to demonstrate proper condom use.John: That is very clever! That's very clever. Although, although, it's not perfect. If you can't get a sock out of the packaging, you don't then lose your foot for a minute and need to think of Rihanna to get it back, but-it's back.
- John is very confused when a senator suggests sex education should be taught at home.John: Here's an exchange that has never happened: "How are you so good at sex?" "I was home-schooled."
- Go ahead, call 1-800-THIS-IS-LEGAL, as advertised at the end of the televangelist special. Go ahead and call it. John Oliver will eventually break down into a hilarious psychotic tirade commanding the caller to give him money.
- For those of you too cheap to even bother calling.
- After the initial segment, the Right Mega-Rev. Oliver reviews the many seed-faith donations sent in by his flock, including an "inexplicable" package of beef jerky, an enormous canvas bag of seeds, and a one-hundred trillion Zimbabwean dollar bill, which — as John bitterly notes — is worth only about $0.40 American.Reverend John Oliver: I wouldn't bless you if you fucking sneezed.
- One of the seed donations is simply a five-dollar bill attached to a very blunt and direct note: "Take my seed, you rat faced bastard."
- Even better, going to the website now brings you to a short letter detailing that they're shutting down, and why (but not before saying that it wasn't because of the law)."We're closing because multiple people sent us sperm through the mail. And when someone sends you jizz through the mail, it's time to stop whatever you're doing."
- In the very last segment detailing exactly that, John reveals they were sent a four-foot-high wooden phallus and the message "Rub this for the seed you seek!"; after he angrily demands they "shut this shit down" and give all the cash donations to a more worthy cause, workmen take away everything save the giant dildo, which Oliver clutches tight and insists he's keeping.
- They also sent a shirt reading "John Oliver is a rat-faced bastard!"
- Also they were sent 12 bobbleheads of Jonny Flynn of the Minnesota Timberwolves, "which, to be honest, is eleven too many."
- Regarding the vials of semen received:"And I think some were fake, but some were not!"
- Those who sent a donation in the mail received a response letter which contained among other things, a paper with what claims to be the outline of John Oliver's buttocks with the text "Sit on this and think about what you've done!", and a notice that their monetary donation will be forwarded to Doctors Without Borders.
- John asked every single presidential candidate from both parties, "Would you support a passage of a federal law or laws that prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, specifically in the areas of employment, housing, public accommodation, and access to credit?" Only four candidates provided an answer: three of them said "Yes" and a spokesman for Rand Paul responded with, "We'll pass. Thanks." John was, understandably, confused.
- The end of the segment about the Refugee crisis facing Europe, where they managed to get Sammy and E.J. from Days of Our Lives to appear in-character solely for Noujain Moustaffa's benefit, as she'd literally taught herself English by watching their show, and felt sad that EJ had been killed off.
- During his segment on Mental Health, John Oliver points out that prisons hold more mentally ill people than state-funded psychiatric care hospitals. While that is absolutely horrifying, he quickly makes it funny.John: That is terrible. Finding out jails are our largest providers of mental health treatment is like finding out Lil Wayne lyrics are our greatest source of sexual education. [picture of a teenager with a Lil' Wayne poster] No, Darren, you can't "smack it up, flip it like a spatula". Where did you even learn that? What does it mean? "Flip it like a spatula." Would you like it if I did that to your mother? No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't, Darren. So don't say it.
- In order to convince North Dakota to get angry about their ridiculously under-regulated oil industry, John had an actual animated billboard put up telling them "Be Angry. (Please.)"
- Before that, as the narrator is trying to convince them to get angry, it cuts to a hissing possum.Narrator: Holy shit, not you possum!
- Before that, as the narrator is trying to convince them to get angry, it cuts to a hissing possum.
- John brings Mike Myers out to help him tell Canadians not to re-elect Stephen Harper, capping off with this reference to Kanye West's outburst during a Hurricane Katrina fundraiser (during which Myers was left next to him in Stunned Silence).John: Exactly, don't [vote for him], and I'll tell you why: Stephen Harper doesn't care about black people! [music stops abruptly]
Myers: Oh god... not again!
John: Oh, sorry, my mistake. What I meant to say was 'Stephen Harper doesn't care about Muslim people'!
Myers: ...Totally fair! I think he made that pretty clear.
- The "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer regarding a Canadian law that seeks to charge non-citizens (up to $5000 and/or six months imprisonment) who induce Canadians to vote or not vote for a candidate. Then the end of the skit where he and Myers happily throw Canadian $20s at the camera.
- Which either becomes less funny or more funny when you find out that Elections Canadanote pointed out that John had actually gotten it wrong. Inducement is offering something tangible in exchange for someone voting or not voting for a certain candidate or party, a.k.a. bribery. Simply stating your opinion in an attempt to get people to vote a different way is not illegal in the slightest, so John was at no risk of breaking the law.
- The "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer regarding a Canadian law that seeks to charge non-citizens (up to $5000 and/or six months imprisonment) who induce Canadians to vote or not vote for a candidate. Then the end of the skit where he and Myers happily throw Canadian $20s at the camera.
- During his "Medicaid Gap" episode, he goes to talk about the Mississippi elections and how Phil Bryant repelled the Medicaid Expansion. Luckily, his opponent said that he'd expand it... problem is, his opponent is a trucker who didn't even spend more than 100 dollars on his campaign and then forgot to mention he was running for Governor to his own mother!John: Holy shit! There is a difference between running a low-key campaign and not having name recognition within your own family!
- In the same episode, when he goes on to talk about Virginia and how one person who's a massive obstacle to Medicaid is a man whose name is Dick Black.John: Whose name, yes, sounds like a category heading in an adult bookstore, but believe me, he's considerably less fun than his name suggests.
- Also, as it turns out, Senator Dick Black shares the name with an accordionist who actually released an album called A Taste of Dick Black.
- In the same episode, when he goes on to talk about Virginia and how one person who's a massive obstacle to Medicaid is a man whose name is Dick Black.
- If Sepp Blatter got a yogurt in the FIFA office refrigerator before he got suspended, it could still be there when he returned... if not for the fact that Janice in Accounting don't give a fuck.◊ If the fridge had an euthanized lion, she wouldn't give a fuck either! And let's not talk about that disputed South China Sea territory.
- While discussing a certain Crown Jewel that was stolen from India, which India now wants back, John gives what's probably the real reason England is refusing to do it: they stole virtually everything they have, so that the entire British Museum is basically an active crime scene, and if they gave anything back then they'd have to give it all back, until they're left with only a painting of Tennyson and a pair of Gary Oldman's running shorts.
- While talking about how bringing up the Japanese internment camps is bad form, he decides to show the scene of Hyde Park on Hudson where FDR gets a handjob from his distant cousin while in the middle of a field of flowers with soft focus cinematography. After showing it, he says, "Did I have to show you that? No. Did I want to show you that? Absolutely I did."
- This speech from George Bush Sr. that John Oliver adds onto with his commentary:George H. W. Bush: This is crack cocaine. Seized a few days ago by drug enforcement agents in a park just across the street from the white house. It could easily have been heroin or PCP. It's as innocent looking as candy. And now, with the help of this bag's contents, I shall ascend into the cosmos on the wings of a dragon to a place where joy is everlasting and fear is but a memory! (snort) LET'S DO THIS THING! LET'S DO THIS THING Y'ALL!!!!!
- The Continuity Cavalcade in the season finale: John brings out several of his past mascots, Wanda Jo and the wooden phallus from his church, the band that does his theme song, and Janice from Accounting in person. She steals his chair and his mug.
- When talking about the Washington Redskins getting their trademarks cancelled by federal courts for offensive names, John brings up their counter-attack: pointing out all the trademarks that have been approved with even more offensive names. These names cannot be mentioned on prime time news because of how hilariously offensive they are, but HBO has no such restrictions. "I could go on, so I will!"John: Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention: if you have children in the room, they should have left before the previous thirty seconds.
- On Mohammad Usafi, a translator who worked with US forces, getting his name changed to FNU (First Name Unknown) Mohammad on his SIV visa (that he had spent far too long trying to get):"Fnu is fnot a fnucking fname!"
- On his segment for abortions, John notes how there has been a 0.00073% chance of death related to an abortion, compared to a study finding the chances of a colonoscopy-related death being 0.007%.John: Let's agree, by the way, all of us. Death by colonoscopy has to be one of the worst ways to die. Right after having your mother catch you masturbating, and while you're trying to pull your pants up, you fall and hit your head. So your dad has to carry you pantsless to the car to take you to the hospital. And the girl next door you have a crush on tries to help, but she's laughing so hard at the size of your penis, that she closes the door on your hand, startling your mother, who slams her foot on the gas, dragging you behind the car for several blocks. While your father yells "Your TV show is derivative and you'll never escape the shadow of Jon Stewart!"
- When New Zealand politician Steven Joyce was hit by a dildo, he decided to Tweet John preemptively, figuring John would make a story of it anyway. John took this as a challenge and made a spectacle of it, including a choir, an image of Joyce's head being hit by by dildos from every direction, two dildo mascots on wires, and New Zealand native Peter Jackson waving a modified New Zealand flag depicting the exact moment Joyce was hit by the dildo.
- The "How is This Still a Thing?" piece on Hollywood whitewashing is one of the most immensely, justifiably angry segments in show history; as such, it's also pure gold, tackling everything from white actors playing different ethnicities, to how the stories of people of color are often told with a White Male Lead as an Audience Surrogate, to why "half the country goes apeshit" whenever a traditionally white role is differently cast.
- The icon used to depict whitewashing at the very beginning is just Fisher Stevens as Ben Jabituya / Jahrvi in Short Circuit.
- On Ridley Scott's Exodus: Gods and Kings, and his comment that he needed known Caucasian actors to bankroll a big production:Entertainment Reporter: Director Ridley Scott told Variety Magazine he can't mount a $140 million film "and say that my lead actor is Mohammed So-and-So from Such-and-Such. I'm just not going to get it financed."
[cut to Joel Edgerton looking very silly in bronzer and a shaved head]
Narrator: Yeah, you needed the white-hot star power of whoever the fuck this guy is.
- On the possibility of Idris Elba being cast as James Bond:Narrator: Yes, if you're black, even if you're an actor who sometimes dresses like French Waldo, people will still say you're "too street."note
- On Tom Cruise as Nathan Algren in The Last Samurai:
- After detailing Donald Trump numerous failings and basically proving that he'd be a horrible president, John calls back to a moment where he mentioned a tweet from Trump basically mocking Jon Stewart over changing his last name (while claiming that "he should be proud of his heritage"), while also noting that the name "Trump" has a kind of power to it from how it sounds, which is a problem when it comes to dis-empowering that name. Then he reveals Donald's hypocrisy over the previous tweet by noting that Donald's German grandfather changed the family name to "Trump" from "Drumpf" (which is much less dignified to English-speakers), not only highlighting Donald's hypocrisy, but then proceeded to run with it, encouraging his viewers to "Make Donald Drumpf Again" and troll Donald Trump by calling him by his family's original last name.
- When talking about some cheeky fellow from Egypt setting up an eBay page to sell "One slightly-used Field Marshal" (current Egyptian president El Sisi), John remarks that it's not the stupidest thing ever sold on Ebay and puts up a picture of someone selling "Possibly the World's Largest Raisin Bran Flakes" for over a hundred dollars while speculating on what idiot would want to buy that.John: And let me just say....[picks up the frame holding said flakes] That idiot is very happy with his purchase!
- The unexpected return of the "place you think about so little" Running Gag, in the middle of a video they filmed with a bunch of California school kids for a contest.
- After an episode about how Apple is just barely keeping ahead of all the people trying to hack into its products, we get a more honest commercial of the tech crew freaking out about a virus and trashing their office. The slogan: "Join us as we dance madly on the lip of the volcano."
- The alternative to Trump plan to build a wall around the Mexican border: buying waffle irons for every American citizen. It will cost less, do nearly as much to keep out immigrants and drugs, wont harm the US relationship with a major trading partner, it's only racist towards Belgians, "and unlike the wall, this makes fucking waffles!"John: So come on, America! Let's ask ourselves, what kind of country do we want to wake up to? One that spends billions on an impossible, impractical symbol of fear? Or one that smells like breakfast? Exactly!"
- The segment on fundraising culminates in John drinking out of a Long Island wine bag with congressman Steve Israel.John: What better way to end a bittersweet career than with the bittersweet taste of Norfolk chardonnay?
- In response to New York Yankees COO Lonn Trost saying the premium seats' buyers were uncomfortable sitting next to fans who scored tickets for a fraction of the face-value cost, the show offered Yankees tickets right behind home plate to their audience for $0.25 on the condition of dressing like "you have never sat in a premium location". Winners included guys dressed as Ninja Turtles, girls dressed as unicorns and sharks, and two guys dressed as dragons.
- The following week's "And Now This" is devoted to the news reports on the fans, ending with a rather poorly researched one that calls John "HBO's Jon Stewart". The audience is suddenly caught between laughing, cheering, and groaning disgustedly. (John also feels it's awkward, to the point it takes a while for him to start the main segment...)
- During the segment on Lead Poisoning, John brings out some Sesame Street characters as a follow up to a song lesson they did about the same issue 20 years earlier. Which among other things leads to this exchange after Oscar the Grouch complains about the Strawman argument on the costs of cleaning it up:John: Wow, that is an astonishing level of economic insight coming from someone who lives in a trashcan.
Oscar: Hey, this can is rent controlled. I've had it since the 60s.
- The segment on Scientific Research is filled with Take Thats ("There is no Nobel Prize for fact checking. Incidentally, 'There is no Nobel Prize for fact checking' is a motivational poster in Brian Williams' MSNBC dressing room."). But the best one regards a scientist advocating hugs for oxytocin:John: First of all, don't call yourself Dr. Love. That's the name a tabloid gives a dentist who ejaculated on his sedated patients. And second, there's no way I would be happier giving eight hugs a day. I'm English! That's four lifetimes' worth of hugs.
- The segment on 911 call centers ends with an "Honest" 911 PSA featuring Rob Riggle.
- A particular highlight is when the dispatcher discusses how some places have better systems than other. The kid with the grandma in Maine is fine. The one with a grandma in Georgia?Dispatcher: Ooh, she is fucked.
- A particular highlight is when the dispatcher discusses how some places have better systems than other. The kid with the grandma in Maine is fine. The one with a grandma in Georgia?
- In the episode about doping in sports, a real commercial for Subway is shown, with Michael Phelps swimming in a pool:Announcer: To perform your best, training's gotta be a lifelong passion.
Announcer: Fueled by a foot-long passion. That's why Debbie Phelps is always there for her son Michael, (Michael Phelps gets out of the pool and takes the sub that Debbie's holding) with his favorite flavor packed, fully-jacked foot-long subs.
John: STOP. Because first, no professional swimmer wants a sandwich in the pool. And for the record, there is nothing more viscerally upsetting than a woman feeding her soaking wet, nearly-naked adult son something called a "fully-jacked foot-long".
- Describing the 2016 election as:
- The Clowntown Fuck-the-World Shitshow 2016
- America's Fucktastic Cirque de Dismay 2016
- America's 3D IMAX Shit-Fit Dumpster Fire 2016
- A Horrifying Glimpse at Satan's Pinterest Board 2016
- Uncle Sam's Rock-Bottom Yankee-Doodle Suicide Pact 2016
- Lice on Rats on a Horse Corpse on Fire 2016
- The Holy Shit, Please Make It Stop Trash Fire Two Thousand Fuckteen
- America's Shit Salad Fuckstravaganza 2016
- The Fiery Two-Party Pileup on the Hellbound Fuckspressway
- The Shit-Filled Cornucopia That Just Keeps On Giving 2016
- Lady Liberty Convenience Store Robbery Gone Wrong Descending into a Hostage Situation and Now She's Demanding a Chopper 2016
- Oh, I Get It: We All Died, and This Is Hell, and Satan Has Cursed Us to Live Out This Nightmare for All Eternity 2016
- The Electoral Equivalent of Seeing Someone Else Puking So You Start Puking and Then Someone Else Is Puking and Pretty Soon Everyone Is Puking 2016
- What Did I Do to Deserve This? I Always Tried to Be a Good Person Is This Because I Stole Candy Once in 4th Grade Please Stop Punishing Us 2016
- I Honestly Don't Even Know If I Can Make It Another Two-and-a-Half Weeks I've Been Drinking a Lot and Lashing Out and Frankly My Family Is Worried 2016
- I Don't Even Believe in Past Lives, but I Must Have Done Something Really Fucking Terrible in a Past Life to Deserve This I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry 2016
- Of Course Election Day Is on November 8th — the Last Possible Date the Election Could Fall On. This Must Be the Universe Punishing Us for All the Masturbating We've Done, and It Was a Lot 2016
- I Thought I Wanted It to Be Over But Now That It's Over I Wish It Was Still Going On Because It Turns Out the Ending Is Even Worse Twenty-Fucking-Sixteen
- John says the sheer absurdity of the savings plan for the show's employees actually made Janice in Accounting give a fuck.
- John calls his show "Johnny O's Sad-tastical Circus of Misery and Math".
- Given a savings plan advertisement had escalating dominoes, once the show does their take on said videos, the last domino accidentally crushes guest star, Kristen Chenoweth. Naturally, the segment ends with a statement that No Kristen Chenoweths Were Harmed.
- John asserted that not even death would stop Donald Trump from tweeting, and provided a sample future tweet in which Trump says he's unimpressed with God's beard, and His inability to lift a rock that He himself created (a reference to the omnipotence paradox), finishing with a one-word sentence: "Sad."
- "Fuck the European Union", an anti-Brexit ad produced by John which insults every country in the EU while also asserting the importance of remaining a member. Sung by a child.
- During the same segment, when a UKIP member says the one kind of person she doesn't like is "Negroes," and she has no idea why, John calls it official proof that not everything sounds smarter with a British accent.
- John considers Lance Armstrong to be a Consummate Liar. Why? Because he said biking was cool and "we believed him".
- After we have to watch an entire video of an Olympic athlete chaperone having to watch him pee, John pipes in with "That is the look of a man who is questioning every single decision he's made in his life."
- After playing the clip of Khizr Khan's speech about the constitution, John describes what he just witnessed.John: Oh, shit! That was an American founding document being inspirationally used as a middle finger! I did not know that was technically possible!
- When the American Petroleum Institute used the show's opening style (font included), John produced a new opening based on one of their previous ads featuring Rebecca and Andy, who use the time to insult API for its practices. They also mention that its logo looks like it's being penetrated by a polar bear's dick, complete with animated graphic... which they show for an uncomfortably long time, with both actors staring at it thoughtfully.
- The web segment on birds. "FUCK YOU, BIRDS!" Penguins get a pass, though.
- While covering Wells Fargo and their fraudulent accounts, John discovered an old ethics video shown to Wells Fargo employees ten years ago, complete with cheap prop comedy comparing ethics violations to a rubber band that would snap back and hurt you if you stretched them too far. When the show's team tracked down the man who starred in the video, they were quite surprised to find he's one of the show's own writers, who was quite happy to do a new video, complete with comparing their ethics violations to putting a dildo boomerang, as it would inevitably come back to "fuck them in the ass."
- Four Fox News reporters all cringing as Donald Trump brings up his fat-shaming comments completely unprompted, and just keeps going on about them.
- In Guantanamo, one of the ways for the soldiers to torture prisoners is to blast loud music at them. Unfortunately for the soldiers, one of the prisoners really liked the song (Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again"), so he sang along. And then John compares it to the band's usual Intercourse with You...
- The return of the Most Patient Man on Television.
- John taunting Donald Trump with the Emmy Last Week Tonight won.
- When Anthony Weiner's scandals bring the Hillary Clinton email investigations back into the public and thus shake the election further, John has no choice but to admit to the danger. Carlos Danger.
- In School Segregation, John shows an old clip of a white female student going to a school mostly attended by African-Americans, with the boys lewdly calling her "vanilla ice cream". As terrible as it was, John manages to make it funny with this:"OK, that is clearly horrible. But on a side note, using the terms chocolate and vanilla is actually the best possible argument to bring races closer together because what happens when you combine chocolate and vanilla? I'll tell you what happens. Fucking Fudgey the Whale happens! And it is superb!"
- On his episode about multilevel marketing:
- After discussing how multilevel marketing companies are blatant pyramid schemes, John shows an especially damning clip of a spokeswoman for one of them at a convention, where she outright says it's a pyramid scheme early in her spiel. John then keeps interrupting to ask her to go back to the part where she "definitely said pyramid scheme."
- That "pyramid scheme" quote comes in the context of the spokeswoman outlining a future dream scenario, which ends with this:"...and the lady [at the bank] is gonna say, 'Will that be checking or savings?', and you're gonna say, 'Eh! I don't really care, I get [checks from Youngevity] all the time!'"
John: And then the lady's gonna say, "Haha, that's fantastic, but I actually need to know which account this goes into", and you're gonna say, "Makes no difference to me!", and she's gonna say, "But I can't deposit this unless you specify which account, it's policy!", and you're gonna say, "It's all gravy!", and she's gonna say, "How about checking?", and you're gonna say, "I'm loving it!", and she's gonna say, "Do I need to get security?", and you're gonna say, "The account ending in 8424, please."
- That "pyramid scheme" quote comes in the context of the spokeswoman outlining a future dream scenario, which ends with this:
- John explains that MLM companies have hierarchies of distributors, which are climbed up typically by selling product at a sufficiently fast rate; Kyani, for example, has ranks named after gemstones, with one particularly high rank being named "Double Black Diamond", which John points out is also skiing terminology for very dangerous trails. Later, while showing MLM events in other countries, he shows an Herbalife event in Mexico where CEO Michael Johnson slings a Mexico flag around his shoulder while greeting the audience, calling it "douchebaggery at a double black diamond level."
- His response to and mocking of an excerpt from an interview with Johnson in which Johnson expresses pride in working with the Latino community, more specifically stating that "the Latino—the blood, if you will" runs in the company and "it feels great":John: [imitation Johnson's voice] "Oh, I love the blood of the Latino community, I just wanna bathe in it! I wanna bathe in your blood, Latinos! How's this sales pitch going? I feel like it's going bueno!" [returning to his normal voice] You know what? Now might be a good time to point out that when someone says, 'Their blood is in me and it feels great,' that is what a fucking vampire says!
- His brief tangent on cocaine:John: But second, why would anyone in the 80's seek Herbalife to lose weight? They had cocaine! Come to think of it, we also have cocaine. The point is, cocaine is an effective weight-loss option. It's not where I thought I was going with this, but it is where we have ended up.
- John's response to a Telenovela that had an Enforced Plug for a product of a multilevel marketing company, wondering about how much drama there must be in the commercials.John: "Aaahhh, Meester GEICO Lizard, I want to save 15% or more on car insurance, but how can I, when you are sleeping with my wife?"
- John closes by asking the viewers to send the episode to five people, with instructions for each of them to send it to five others, just like the MLM companies do. And as it was revealed that thanks to the magic of exponential equations, such a strategy theoretically reaches every single person on earth in just fourteen cycles — "to the point where we need to start fucking to create more people to watch it" — he takes the opportunity to say hi to Beyoncé.
- The closing segment is made even more hilarious when John reveals that, since MLM companies target mainly the Latino community, he also made a version of the video with Spanish subtitles and with the closing segment being done in Spanish by Jane the Virgin's Jaime Camil (who was also one of the stars of the Telenovela that featured the MLM product plug), which is almost exactly the same, complete with Jaime dressed exactly like John (glasses and all) and him also saying hi to Beyoncé, except for one part: When John introduces Jaime in the original video, he commends Jaime for looking like a much better "me" (as Jaime looks like a classical Latin Lover), to which Jaime responds with a confident "Yes." When Jaime presents John in the video with the Spanish language segment, he tells John in Spanish that, indeed, he's a much better-looking "you", to which John, with a confused look that seems like he didn't understand a word of what Jaime said but does understand that it wasn't flattering to him, blurts out a "Sí."
- After discussing how multilevel marketing companies are blatant pyramid schemes, John shows an especially damning clip of a spokeswoman for one of them at a convention, where she outright says it's a pyramid scheme early in her spiel. John then keeps interrupting to ask her to go back to the part where she "definitely said pyramid scheme."
- In his last pre-Election Day segment on the 2016 Presidential election, John shares an Old Shame — a clip of him on The Daily Show a few years previous, actively encouraging Donald Trump to run, because he thought it'd be hilarious."In my defense...I have no defense for that, and was hoping to think of one before finishing this sentence, which oh shit it's over."
- Moments later, he follows this up with another clip, of him stating that the Chicago Cubs will never win the World Series. The episode aired just days after the Cubs did just that.
- The season finale ends with a "tribute" to 2016, which was a terrible year in general. It mostly consists of people talking about all the bad things that happened, then ends with a montage of people raising their middle fingers and shouting "Fuck you, 2016!" Well... most people."Weird Al" Yankovic: 2016... Ffffffffffalls well below my standards of quality! (raises his pointer finger instead of his middle finger)
- And, to reiterate, most people, as even the dog picked to represent Merrick Garland (whom Republicans blocked from the Supreme Court for almost a year) is shown barking "Fuck 2016!"
- The "actual audio" from both Barack Obama's meeting with Donald Trump, and Trump appearing to realize for the first time just what being the president entails: the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song. John then states that's the new national anthem.
- In a segment about The Japanese Military when he mentions the Japanese people comparing their Prime Minister to Hitler he says he feels bad for TojoJohn: He must be like: "oh come on, you needed a mustachioed WW2 war criminal at a japanese protest and you go with Adolf? I attacked Pearl Harbor. What do you have to do to be a shorthand for evil, it's not fair, I earned it."
- The Season 4 Promo has the narrator talking about HBO's award winning and praiseworthy show is returning, which makes John think he's talking about his show, only for the camera to reveal the narrator was actually talking about HBO's other hit series on Sundays (Game of Thrones), hit comedy series entering its fourth season (Silicon Valley) and hit comedy series returning from a hiatus (Curb Your Enthusiasm, which was Un-Cancelled).
- The Bait-and-Switch where he mentions The Young Pope as the most interesting thing to happen during hiatus before getting into politics.
- Offhandedly calling Sean Spicer "Melissa" in reference to Saturday Night Live's parody of Spicer.
- "And Now, Donald Trump Cannot Shake Hands." A montage of Donald's awkward, yanking hand shakes, complete with Stock Sound Effects.
- After lambasting Trump for his reliance on Fox News Channel and questionable news websites for his news, John declares that he had filmed infomercials that would air the following day on Washington D.C.'s affiliates of Fox News, MSNBC, and CNN to inform Trump about subjects like the nuclear triad, the Geneva Conventions and that there are actually other people than Trump.
- At the beginning of the episode about Vladimir Putin, as an example of how big his memetic popularity is in Russia, they put a clip of a techno pop song made about him, "A Man Like Putin", by Poyushchie vmeste ("Singing Together"). So, how can they convey how bad Putin is concisely and in a memorable way? By doing their own cover of "A Man Like Putin", of course.
- During the episode, it was also noted that some opponents of Putin had some bizarre and allegedly coincidental things happen to them, such as people defecating on the hood of their cars. So, partway through the song, John has to run onstage to interrupt the song so he can beg Putin to not have anyone shit on his car. Then the song resumes.Performers: And critics like Oliver better run far / Better run far / Because he'll track you down / And he'll shit on your car!
John: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! No, no, no! Do not shit on my car! That is weird! It's so weird, i-if anything, it might be the weirdest part of this whole story! Please, don't shit on my car! Don't-please, don't do it! (to performers) I'm sorry, you-you were telling the President about Putin, go. (John leaves the stage and the song starts back up)
- The number was put together because, as John puts it, the catheater cowboy from the mock infomercials mentioned above can't explain the whole situation in 30 seconds.
- During the episode, it was also noted that some opponents of Putin had some bizarre and allegedly coincidental things happen to them, such as people defecating on the hood of their cars. So, partway through the song, John has to run onstage to interrupt the song so he can beg Putin to not have anyone shit on his car. Then the song resumes.
- The entire debacle with the Trump administration's numerous contacts with Russia is dubbed "Stupid Watergate," with them trying to make a similar labyrinthine conspiracy while no one has any idea what they're doing. John specifically points out Paul Ryan visibly suppressing a laugh during Trump's promise that he'll be getting down to business now.
- John Oliver tackles the situation of the Dalai Lama and China. Naturally, like Snowden, he visits him as well. Highlights of the meeting include:
Narrator: One clear fact. Red tyranny is not wanted by these intensely religious people.John: (imitating the accent) Yes, damn that unwanted, creepy Red tyranny. Yes, down with those thieving imperialists. And goodnight to Her Majesty's subjects in Bahrain, Maldives, Rhodesia, Jamaica, Barbados, Kenya, and Uganda. Nighty night. Sleep tight.
- How he convinced Mongolia to stop drinking vodka... in exchange for horse milk. Understandably, John is rather baffled at his claim, along with how one even obtains horse milk.
- How the Dalai Lama embraces the fact that he's called a demon by China. And on that note - and again, similar to his interview with Snowden - John was subject to an Oh, Crap! moment when the Dalai Lama takes his willingness to criticize China to say that John should become a demon too.John: No no no, you can't transfer- you can't reincarnate the demon into me.
Dalai Lama: Yes, yes.
John: No no no no! Don't make me a demon. No no, you can't do tha- will you cu- you cannot do that. Can he do that? Oh no... this is not how I wanted this interview to go.
- Before that, he makes fun of "the most British man who has ever lived": a man narrating a 1959 newsreel about the Dalai Lama's exile with a very posh British accent.
- On the subject of the March 2017 CIA leaks:
- Regarding the reports that the CIA explored the possibility of hijacking cars' softwares:
- When talking about the reports of a malware supposedly able to use Samsung smart televisions as listening devices, John first takes note of a news reporter's really sassy way of breaking the news.News reporter: If you got a Samsung TV, it's like: "You think you're watching TV? Oh honey, that thing is watching you!"
John: Okay, first: She should deliver all of the news. "19 dead in a blazing apartment fire? All of them children, girl-frrriend!"
- After pointing out that the documents themselves note that the supposed malware only worked on TVs made from 2012 and 2013, and that it had to be installed with an USB, John points out that on top of that, it also works on Cut the Juice rules.John: ...experts still advise there's still actually a potential way to circumvent it; it's a little complicated, so I'll walk you through it: Step 1: Unplug the TV; and... that is it, end of steps, you're off the grid.
- In the wake of the controversy caused to Samsung due to the CIA leaks (on top of their spectacularly bad few months of their smartphones catching fire and their washing machines exploding) they release a commercial that has the announcer panicking as every single product bursts into flames.Announcer: The one promise we can absolutely make you is that none of out products will explode any more. [smartphone explodes] Shit! Oh-kay, maybe the phones, I guess, but definitely not the— [laptop explodes] Aaaah shit! No! No! Put the vacuum up! Put the— [vacuum is on fire] Oh my God! Oh my God, it's on fire! The vacuum's on fire! How is it still moving?! [smart TV is completely engulfed in flames] What! Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck! Is the watch OK? Tell me the watch is OK; you fucking tell me the watch is OK! [watch explodes] No! Oh God! Fuck me! The point is: Our dryers, they are fine. [dryer expels fire] Oh fuck you! Samsung! Hey, at least our logo works, right? [the logo explodes] Oh come on!
- While discussing the current laws on marijuana use, John repeatedly screws with any stoners named Greg who happen to be watching, claiming he's talking directly to them and can even read their minds.
- When talking about scandals from both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, he notes that the Clinton Foundation is the only charity that inspires more visceral anger than Kars 4 Kids.John: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! WHAT IS THIS CHARITY!? YOU'RE KIDS, YOU CAN'T FUCKING DRIVE! WHAT MONEY LAUNDERING SCHEME ARE YOU OPERATING!?
- After Sean Spicer's comments saying that Adolf Hitler didn't use chemical weapons, John takes issue of Spicer's use of the term "Holocaust Center," saying that it sounds like the name for a hockey arena for the alt-right. We then see the entrance for the hypothetical arena, complete with having Pepe the Frog as a mascot.
- John poked fun at the fact that Donald Trump remembered to slip what was basically a commercial for Mar-a-Lago's chocolate cake that he was having for dessert ("the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen") into his recollection of the night he fired Tomahawk missiles into Syria, but couldn't keep track of what country he was raiding.Donald Trump: So what happens is, I said, "We've just launched 59... missiles... heading to Iraq—"
Interviewer: But you— Heading to Syria.
Trump: Yes, heading for... Syria.
John: I honestly wish she just kept naming places to see if he kept agreeing with her. "Heading to Egypt?" "Yes, heading to Egypt." "Heading to Dollywood?" "Yes, heading to Dollywood." "Heading straight to us?" "Yes, heading straight to us, right now."
- John notes that after Trump said that North Korea could be easily taken care of by China, he later changed his mind "after listening for 10 minutes" to the President of China Xi Jingping, as "[he] realized that it's not so easy." This leaves John speechless, as he wants to know how the President of China managed to explain something that complicated in just 10 minutes, "because if this show did a segment on grapes, we'd need 20 minutes and an appearance from a marching band."
- Regarding the April 2017 Afghanistan airstrike that used the "Mother of All Bombs," John wants to appreciate one thing first:John: Okay, now there's obviously a lot to unpack there, but let's just take a minute and appreciate the fact that we finally reached a point where mothers can be bombs. #MOMBOMBS #FEMINISM
- On the 2017 French presidential election:
- After showing several commentators saying that the election could define "the fate of Europe," John notes that the fate of Europe is in the hands of "a country that looks at snails and says, 'I have got to get you in my mouth.'"
- In response to several commentators saying that depending on the election, France could also leave the European Union, and that in turn could be the end of the union itself, John calls it "the most disastrous French exit in history, and that is acknowledging that a French exit normally refers to drinking an entire bottle of red wine and then leaving a party with the host's wife."
- After a description of French's election system (in two rounds, the first with all candidates, the second one with the two who got the most votes in the first):note John: What a ridiculous system! Where are the 51 individual contests that allot points based on outdated demographic data that can result in the definitive loser in the popular vote somehow winning? That's just stupid! Well, go easy on France, they're still working out the kinks of their democracy.
- John's run-down of the candidates is a doozy:
- He notes that one candidate, Jacques Cheminade, has a platform that includes colonizing Mars. He then plays a clip of Cheminade explaining it using Shout-Outs to Star Wars, except that he calls Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca "Larry Skywalker" and "that weird bear," respectively. John then says that now he thinks that those should have been their actual names.
- John then shows the campaign ads of Jean Lassalle, which John describes as "almost offensively French": Traveling in a train in moody black-and-white, working on his farm, dancing, and mowing a hillside shirtless (all while wearing a beret). John says that he seems to be attempting to win a reality show called "So You Think You Can France."
- John goes on to describe how François Fillon, former Prime Minister, was once the leading candidate, but fell back on the polls due to a scandal called "Penelopegate" (in which he is accused of having paid his wife, Penelope, and their children with public money for little to no actual work). John then says that with a name like that, it sounds more like "a scandal involving selling weapons-grade uranium to Penélope Cruz."
- It then emerges that Fillon was essentially bribed in ridiculously expensive suits. He defends himself:Fillon: I am perfectly allowed to be given a suit by a friend. It's not against the law!
John: Oh, you're right! That is a completely normal thing for adult friends to do! "Happy birthday, friend! I got you two suits that cost about $7,000 each, because that is a non-suspicious amount to spend on a gift for a friend! How not-weird is this? Couldn't be not-weirder, right?!"
- John responds to Jean-Luc Mélenchon using holograms to appear in two campaign rallies at the same time (and activating them with a giddy grin) with his trademark "Cool", and then compares the whole thing to "finding out your uncle's detachable thumb trick cost him $400,000", in that both were very lame and very costly.
- After a commentator describes one of the frontrunners, Emmanuel Macron, as "generally inoffensive" and "not super attractive to anyone," John says that makes him sound like "the guy who played the main character in How I Met Your Mother." (John doesn't even mention the actor's name, saying that he doesn't have one). However, John notes that there's something interesting in Macron: He married his schoolteacher, who's 20 years older than him, and as a result he has seven step-grandchildren at the age of 39. John then says that a man in his thirties ending up with seven step-grandchildren sounds like the plot of a Direct-to-DVD Ashton Kutcher movie called "Even on a Nine-Hour Flight This Movie Is Unwatchable."
- On a sidenote, John mentions that Manuel Valls (a former Prime Minister and an ultimately unsuccessful candidate in the primaries) and Fillon got cups of flour thrown at them during the campaign (and showing an excerpt where a French newscaster mentions Fillon having brought a spare suit), and after describing Macron, he adds, "If you're wondering if Macron did get any baking ingredients thrown at him during the campaign, well, what do you think?" (For variety's sake, he got an egg rather than flour.) He summarizes that, with two cups of flour and one egg, he doesn't know if the French people are any closer to picking a President, but they're halfway through making a decent crêpe.
- This finally leads to Marine Le Pen, the candidate for which he considers the election is making headlines worldwide. John first mentions how her father, Jean-Marie Le Pen, said to one Jewish critic that "we'll put a batch in the oven next time." John calls it "the kind of vile, horrific anti-semitism that gets most people permanently banished from society, as well as an Oscar nomination for directing Hacksaw Ridge."
- John notes that after that, Marine kicked Jean-Marie out of the party and worked to present a softer image, as shown when one French voter says that with her "there's an elegance." John is quick to caution that elegant presentation does not negate its content, putting as example that a Klansman is still a Klansman even in a monocle, a top hat, and a cane, while showing a picture of a Klansman dressed as such. He then asks for the sheet to be removed, revealing him to be Mr. Peanut.John: I FUCKING KNEW IT, I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!
- John shows an interview made to Marine Le Pen about immigration, in which she said that, when inviting immigrants to one's flat, they could such things as "stealing your wallet and brutalizing your wife," but what caught John's attention was that she also said that "on top of that, they start to remove the wallpaper."John: I never thought I'd say this to someone, because it doesn't really make sense, but I hope someone steals your wallpaper! I don't know why they would Marine, but I hope they do.
- After all that, and with polls suggesting that one-third of French voters might abstain from the election, how does John appeal to French voters? By appealing to their "Frenchness" turning his set into a scene out of a French film, complete with moody black-and-white, an accordionist, smoking cigarettes, and speaking entirely in French. He even goes as far as to talk about Larry Skywalker and that weird bear too. The episode even ends with Gratuitous French credits (complete with "FIN") and the show's theme song in an accordion!
- In the episode about Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, it's noted that Kushner barely talks, and that the most recent clip they got of him talking is from a 2009... except that when they play the clip in question, Gilbert Gottfried is dubbed over him. Bonus for John's Implausible Deniability ("'Wait, you just recorded Gilbert Gottfried over him!' Well, you can never know!").
- In the episode aired after the announcement that Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough were engaged, the show played an "And Now, This" segment titled "A Look Back at the Romance Between Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski", which shows old clips of them arguing, well, Like an Old Married Couple. It eventually ends with a "Congratulations?".
- When discussing Net Neutrality for a second time:
- John puts the Taylor Swift goat meme as an example of things the internet offers, which even John starts corpsing over.
- John makes note of FCC Chairperson Ajit Pai's Reeses Peanut Butter mug, and states that if Chairperson Pai thinks that John is just jealous of the mug, John isn't, because he has an even bigger mug. Which he pulls out and mimes drinking out of.John: I'm drinking the blood of smaller mugs. Cheers.
- In the video response to the reaction to the second video about net neutrality:
- John calls out a news station that did a report on his net neutrality campaign by pointing out that the man they used in the background was Stephen Colbert. Needless to say, John was pretty insulted by the fact that not only they couldn't even use the right picture, the reporter himself sounded extremely bored and uncaring about the story he was reporting on.John: Come on! Everything about that man's tone is insulting! What he is essentially saying there is "John Oliver, a comedian you think so little that you probably didn't notice that is not John Oliver, that's Stephen Colbert." COME ON! That hurts!
- John chastises those who wrote racist comments on the FCC website about FCC Chairman Ajit Pai (due to Pai being of Indian descent), but also leaves a Bait-and-Switch.John: Writing racist things on the internet is not how you win the net neutrality debate. It's how you win the presidency.
- John calls out a news station that did a report on his net neutrality campaign by pointing out that the man they used in the background was Stephen Colbert. Needless to say, John was pretty insulted by the fact that not only they couldn't even use the right picture, the reporter himself sounded extremely bored and uncaring about the story he was reporting on.
- In the episode about Donald Trump withdrawing the United States from the Paris Agreement:
- John says to not test the patience levels of the EU leaders, as Britain has tried that with Brexit, and John says that you can email the same address the EU set up for Britain for that, "firstname.lastname@example.org".
- On showing the video of the initial Paris agreement, he lampshades how the small gavel really kills the mood, and envisions something even worse in the form of a murder trial with a squeaky hammer. And then it comes back during an impromptu performance of "Be Our Guest" when he uses it to try and squash the characters.John: I hereby sentence you to hang from the neck until dead. May God have mercy on your soul. *squeak*
- John calling out Trump for "performing real-time word association" and, in the space of about 30 seconds, "touching on at least seven different topics, including the non-phrase 'broke my choppers'."
- Part of Pennsylvania senator Scott Wagner's theory on what causes global warming: the Earth is moving closer the sun every year, which John points out is true... but also that it then moves away from the sun, "because that is what a fucking year is!"
- On the Brexit negotiations following the 2017 United Kingdom general election:
- Everything involving Lord Buckethead, a joke candidate in the UK snap election who looks like "Darth Vader fucked an Amazon Echo," who was nevertheless legally required to be presented just as seriously as the others. Not to be left out, John had Lord Buckethead flown to New York so he could demand the UK appoint him as a Brexit negotiator.
- When describing the difficulties of negotiating Brexit, John compares it to if Florida wanted to secede from the US (which he says would be a great idea), citing all the numerous problems that would come from it — patrolling the border, taxing goods coming out of Florida, and who would get custody of Hulk Hogan.
- Regarding the mistrial of Bill Cosby's sexual abuse trial, John can't help but point out how, when exiting the courtroom, Cosby shouted "Hey hey hey!", his Catchphrase as Fat Albert.John: What are you doing? Shouting your character's catch-phrase while you're on trial is a bizarre choice. If Renée Zellweger was on trial for triple murder, it would be strange for her to shout, "You had me at 'hello'!" "No Renée, we had you when the blood in the trunk turned out to be a DNA match; you're going to jail for a long time."
- With the news that literally every single one of the 50 states has polled negatively about the Republican health care plan, John marvels at how hard it is to get them all to agree on anything. After all, there's even one state that won't admit that Delaware sucks... Minnesota, because they're just too polite.
- In his segment about coal, he finds that people returned bonus checks to Bob Murray, CEO of the Murray Energy Corporation, voiding it and writing "Kiss my ass, Bob" and "Eat shit, Bob". At the end of the segment, Mr. Nutterbutter wants to give a check to Bob, and it's made out to "Eat shit, Bob!" with the memo being "Kiss My Ass!"
- John also describes Bob Murray's work against mine safety as "like watching My Girl and rooting for the bees!"
- In the segment about vaccines:
- When discussing about how vaccination skepticism has led to parents doing potentially dangerous thing to their children, it is included a TV news report titled "Swapping Spit & Passing Pus." However, on the title graphic, the word "pus" was spelled with two S's. John says that "swapping spit and passing puss sounds like the sex talk that Kid Rock would give his teenage son."
- John lambasted Representative Dan Burton (R-IN) for Shifting the Burden of Proof in regards of vaccination thus.John: Proving a negative is an impossible standard. And that is also a slippery slope, because that means that I can say to you, "You, Dan Burton, are a donkey fucker. You dress up donkeys in cheerleader outfits, and you fuck them. It's what you're into, and you do it all the time." And you will say to me, "Well wait, there is absolutely no evidence of me doing that", but I would say "Turn that around - there is no evidence of you not doing that, either."
- On the segment about the Sinclair Broadcast Group:
- John talks about how local news tend to find ways to grab people's attention, showing as an example a correspondent reporting about a mugging by recreating it, including pointing a gun to the camera. John admits that it's a great way to get people's attention, and then proceeds to also grab a gun and point it to the camera too.John: Our main story tonight concerns the potential problems in corporate consolidation of local news, don't you dare change the channel!
- John shows one local news commentator, Mark Hyman, doing an editorial about "snowflakes" and "social justice warriors". John says that he presumes that it's one of a series featuring titles like "Wake Up, Libtard", "Cucked Much, You Little Beta Baby?", and "Knock Knock Sheeple, It's Me: Truth."
- John compares Hyman's boss, Sinclair Broadcast Group, "something you only just heard off," being "the most influential media company that you've never heard of"note with if ExxonMobil got brought by "that little twerp who plays the new Spider-Man."John: "What? How is that possible? How does Spider-Twerp have the resources to do that? I only just found out that he existed!"
- After John notes that the potential total average households of Sinclair after buying Tribune Media would be higher than any prime time show on Fox News, he refers said shows as "Five Idiots Have the Most Intolerable Dinner Party Ever" (The Five) and "That Guy from College Everyone Hated Has a Talk Show Now" (Tucker Carlson Tonight).
- John plays some more clips of Mark Hyman's commentary. With comments like "There is one step that's proven to dramatically reduce domestic violence: Marriage" and "On the opinion that only black people can legitimately have an afro, someone should tell that to American folksinger Art Garfunkel", the comedy writes itself.John: What are you talking about?! As I believe Paul Simon once said, "There's no need to involve Art Garfunkel in any of this."
- John notes how the stations of one of Sinclair's subsidiaries, Circa, all reported the Michael Flynn investigation as supposedly being a vendetta from the FBI in the exact same manner, one of them ending it with "it could very well be true". John takes issue of this:John: Yeah, but you could say "it could very well be true" about anything: Are all peanut M&Ms just snake eggs painted different colors? Do foxes walk on their hind legs when no one's looking? Is there really only one Olsen twin who's moving back and forth at superhuman speed to trick the human eye into seeing two of them? All of those things "could very well be true", and aside from the one about the Olsen twins, none of them are.
- John notes how the gist of the problem is the real power that is having trusted local newscasters spreading propaganda by saying that if they "used the words 'Daniel Stern' and 'explosive ejaculation' in the same sentence, you could never watch Home Alone the same way again."
- John's take on an ad run on a Sinclair station that blamed the Democrats for giving the country slavery, the KKK, and Jim Crow laws:John: "Democrats gave this country slavery" is a little more complicated than that. Sure, someone gave me this haircut [shows a picture of him from early Daily Show days], but I'm accountable for being comfortable with it, liking it, and keeping it around for a morally repugnant amount of time.
- John notes that Sinclair stations' poll questions are also leading: In a question about why cable news channels are airing so much coverage of the Trump/Russia story, the first two answer options are "Bias against the President" and "Higher Ratings", while the third one is "It's a really important story."John: Okay, there is a clear slant in those questions and answers. I can't wait for the inevitable poll, "How would you describe the way Donald Trump looks in athletic wear? A) Adonis-like B) Herculean C) Striking for a man of his age D) Not my thing, but I'd still hit it."
- All this eventually leads to the "Terrorism Alert Desk", a segment that reports on terrorism on Sinclair stations every day. John notes that reporting on terrorism every day leads to sometimes reporting only fluff pieces like the ringleader of the London Bridge Attack having applied for a security job at Wimbledon (and the application in question wasn't even a job interview; he just filled out an online application) or an ISIS flag being hung on New Hampshire.Newscaster: ... from the Terrorism Alert Desk in Washington, I'm Lindsey Mastis.
John: "In other alerts, my grandma heard a loud noise, a man with a beard asked me when the next bus is coming, and Iran still exists. From the Terrorism Alert Desk in Washington, I am just about done with this shit."
- The bit about the Terrorism Alert Desk goes even further when it's shown that it also covered a report about burkinis in France. Nothing about terrorism, just burkinis.John: What. The fuck!? That is not about terrorism, it's just about Muslims! By that definition, terrorism is anything a Muslim does! "Tonight, Mahershala Ali on the cover of GQ, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sneezed in an airport, and happy birthday to Fareed Zakaria! This has been your Terrorism Alert Desk."
- As a Brick Joke about how John previously in the video referred to Boris Epshteyn, a former Trump aide turned political pundit for Sinclair, as "a rejected extra from The Sopranos in a JC Penney's tie whose voice sounds like Sylvester Stallone with a mouth full of beans", the segment ends with a video directed to Tribune viewers regarding the impending takeover by Sinclair presented by The Sopranos' Steve Schrripa, warning them that he might not be the last guy in an accent and a cheap tie that they might see on their channel.
- John talks about how local news tend to find ways to grab people's attention, showing as an example a correspondent reporting about a mugging by recreating it, including pointing a gun to the camera. John admits that it's a great way to get people's attention, and then proceeds to also grab a gun and point it to the camera too.
- Just the entirety about the Wax Presidents:
- When John reports about how a wax museum of Presidents that was closing down put their wax mannequins up for auction, he notes that there were some notable buyers, such as Rachel Maddow, who bought the replica of Dwight D. Eisenhower.
- John then shows that Stephen Colbert also bought one; in his case, of Zachary Taylor.John: Well congratulations, Stephen! Although it is worth pointing out that Zachary Taylor died of a stomach bug sixteen months into office, so he's really less of a President and more a guy named Zach who shit his brains out in the West Wing men's room.
- John pointing out that Colbert originally wanted the statue of Martin Van Buren, but unknowingly, and hilariously, that one was perched by none other than Jon Stewart.
- Which eventually leads to this:John: I know what you're thinking: Spending good money on a poorly-made wax figure of a former President sounds pretty stupid, right? Yeah, you're right, you're absolutely right, and that is why I am proud to say that we didn't go down there and buy one of them. [beat] We bought five of them. [audience goes bananas] Why five? Because we are five times stupider than any other TV show, that's fucking why!
- John not only bought five wax replicas of former presidents, he decided that, since Warren Harding's life was so interesting, a movie should've been made about it. But the problem is, "it would have to be someone with way too much time on their hands, way too many resources, and unfettered access to a life-size wax replica of Warren G. Harding"... Cue trailer with the wax President Harding starring in a "serious" biopic alongside Campbell Scott, Anna Kendrick, Michael McKean, James Cromwell, and Laura Fucking Linney. Afterwards, John also reminds us they still have four other wax figures of presidents to play around with.
- With Stephen Miller possibly becoming the next White House communications director, John prepares a fresh new Running Gag of how much he looks like a Minion from every single angle and emotion.
- John somehow managed to get some jokes out of such a grim subject as were the Charlottesville protests:
- John can't help but note that the white nationalists carried Tiki torches.John: Because nothing says "white nationalists" quite like faux Polynesian kitsch.
- John notes the really odd position created by Donald Trump not mentioning the neo-Nazis in his initial response.John: There honestly aren't many instances in modern American politics where you can honestly think, "That guy really should have mentioned the Nazis," but this is emphatically one of them! It's like a reverse Godwin's Law: If you fail to mention Nazism, you lose the argument.
- When Trump says that "it's being going on for a long time; no Donald Trump, no Barack Obama," John says that:John: It seems that Trump's first response to anything bad happening is always to immediately absolve himself of any personal responsibility. He's the kind of guy who starts eulogies at funerals saying, "Great guy, I didn't kill him, but he's a great guy, and he's dead, and I didn't do it."
- John summing up Trump's reaction when, while Trump was leaving the podium after his speech, a reporter asked him about the white nationalists, and Trump came back... to sign a bill he was there to sign to begin with.John: He had one last shot before the buzzer on the racism clock hit zero, and he threw an air ball so far away it landed in the Third Reich.
- Then there was John's reaction when, after signing the bill, Trump was asked again about it, and he just left.John: If you asked me "Have you ever been aroused by the fairies in Zelda: The Ocarina of Time?" and I responded by slowly and silently walking away from you, you would know exactly what I was saying.
- John can't help but note that the white nationalists carried Tiki torches.
- On the crisis with North Korea:
- John begins describing North Korea as "America's number one excuse for putting off chores this week."John: "Y'know, I could do laundry, but if the world is about to erupt into nuclear war, what really is the point?"
- When it's noted that the crisis also included Twitter exchanges, John had this to say:John: When Twitter was invented, I bet even they didn't imagine that it would one day lead us to the brink of nuclear Armageddon. It's like if the invention of the Furby had led to the Sudanese Civil War. Who knew that that's where it was headed?
- Then it's noted that North Korea missiles' reach extended to New York...John: Wait! New York? I live in New York! This shit just got real! Now, I think if everyone is really honest, your level of fear over the North Korea situation is in direct proportion to whether or not they can hit the exact place where you live. We film this show on 57th Street. If you told me that the blast radius stops at 56th Street, I'd think, "Well, I hope that nothing happens, but we've still got time before things get serious."
- John notes that most experts believe that, despite the threats, North Korea doesn't yet have the technology to reliably hit the U.S. mainland in 2017, but that the Pentagon suggests that they could cross the threshold in 2018. John says that this means that, if a job reviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years' time?", "it is now perfectly acceptable to scream in terror into their face."
- All this of course leads to Donald Trump's "Fire and fury" response to the threats, to which John says that they only way to make that not sound terrifying is to report it the one way a newspaper in Maine, as "Fire and Furry."
- John does a Call-Back to when the show showed Western journalists on a tour in North Korea, in which a North Korean tour guide responded to the journalist's question about a suspiciously impressive state propaganda claim that Kim Jong‑il once shot three bullets and all three hit bullseye when he was 7-years-old with a "Mm-hmm", to which John can't help but laugh at.John: That is the "mm-hmm" of someone who really wants to shut down a conversation. She sounds like a parent fielding questions about where babies come from: "So, a stork brings the baby?" "Mm-hmm." "It carries an eight-pound baby through the air with its mouth?" "Mm-hmm." "Isn't that dangerous" "Mm-hmm." "Where does the stork get the babies?" "Storks fuck! They fuck each other! Storks fuck each other, and the baby comes out of the stork's vagina! Don't ask for the truth if you can't handle it!"
- It doesn't take long before John comes across Pulgasari, the "North Korean Godzilla" itself, and shows his favorite scene: A couple of evil-looking guys are about to decapitate a woman with a sword, when a baby monster jumps out and takes a bite out of the sword.John: You know why I love that? It's relatable. No matter where you're from, or what your religious or political beliefs are, at some point, everybody has been about to decapitate someone and then out of nowhere a baby monster jumps up and takes a bite out of your sword. It works... because it resonates.
- John notes how said film was created by kidnapped South Korean film makers. While he does find that abhorrent, he also has an unpopular opinion about it:John: If that's what it took to get that film made, it was fucking worth it.
- John notes that experts believe that Kim Jong-un's actions have been motivated by seeing other totalitarian leaders like Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi scale back their nuclear programs only to be overthrown and die gruesome deaths. John agrees, saying that dictators generally don't end their careers like disgraced American politicians with a stint on Dancing with the Stars, although he says that that would've been an incredible season.John: [imitating your average DWTS judge] Saddam, that foxtrot was a weapon of mass seduction! And Muammar, you worked hard... and it showed!
- John notes how North Korea's military and nuclear programs stand out even more when considering that the impoverished country's economy is estimated to be smaller than Birmingham, Alabama, and Birmingham's "most notable export is American Idol season five winner Taylor Hicks." Not that John thinks that's a bad thing.John: Not that I'm saying that's a bad thing. Soul Patrol forever! Soul Patrol 'till I fucking die!
- John notes that North Koreans' indoctrination in anti-Americanism starts extremely young, putting as an example a defector that remembers that in her math book, there were questions like, "There are four American bastards, you kill two of them. Then how many American bastards are there left to kill?" John oddly empathizes with her.John: As a British child, out math questions were, [puts on the most nasal, stuffy British accent possible] "If Johnny has two artifacts and Dinesh has two artifacts, then how many artifacts is Johnny about to have? The answer, of course, 'All the artifacts.' Dinesh's family can come visit them in the British museum, whenever they're in town."
- John shows a video produced by North Korea depicting the destruction of New York "set to the least appropriate song imaginable": An instrumental version of "We Are the World."John: The last time I saw a karaoke song with background imagery that inappropriate was... every time I ever sung karaoke. [shows a picture of a man holding a microphone looking uncomfortable next to a picture of two babies in a field of sunflowers] I don't know that LL Cool J's "Doin' It" has to do with these two babies in a field of sunflowers, but it's making everybody uncomfortable.
- After showing that American TV shows are being smuggled into North Korea with NCIS being especially popular, John notes that we finally have the answer to the decade-long question: "Who the fuck is watching NCIS?"John: It turns out, it's all your mom's friends, and the people of North Korea.
- John then goes on to Trump's suggestions on how to deal with the crisis, such as China's help.Trump: Chi-i-na... is helping us, possibly or probably, with the North Korean situation, okay? Which is a great thing, great thing.
John: So, in the space of 14 seconds there, he said the word "great" twice, he pronounced "Chi-i-na" with three syllables, suggested someone else should do the work for him, and then threw in a "possibly or probably," rendering the whole thing meaningless. I think I may have just hit Trump bingo, and the prize that I won is to go drown in a river.
- John then shows a clip of Fareed Zakaria discussing the reasons China may have to be wary of the collapse of North Korea, ending with "...and by the way, 15 nuclear weapons."John: You know that there are a lot of problems when you end up saying, "Oh, and by the way, 15 nuclear weapons." Imagine if you were a babysitter and you heard, "Okay, you've got his EpiPen, you know about his nut allergy, he needs his inhaler every hour, oh, and by the way, he has 15 nuclear weapons."
- John takes a moment to comment on the possibility of taking out only Kim Jong-un, noting that would only get an immediate humanitarian crisis and a leaderless country with a power vacuum, and as learned in Iraq and Afghanistan, when regimes fall and there's no plan in place, that vacuum can be filled with terrible things.John: We do not want to find out what North Korea's ISIS would be. Even just the phrase "North Korea's ISIS" is absolutely terrifying. It's like saying, "9/11's Bill Cosby." [loud gasp from the audience] What would that even be?! I hope we never have to find out.
- Then going back to Trump's "Fire and fury" comment, it's then revealed that Trump ad-libbed it.John: Oh for fuck's sake! That is just not a good idea. As I'm sure someone has had to say to Wayne Brady at a funeral more than one, "Now is not the good time to improvise." Here's a one-word suggestion, Wayne: Mourn, mourn like a person!
- John decides to answer to North Korea's response to the "fire and fury" line, in which they said that "the Commander-in-Chief remains stuck at a golf course."John: Hey, hey, hey! Okay, just to be clear, the President is not stuck at a golf course. Unless the cart ran out of gas and he has to walk, in which case, yes, the President is very much stuck at a golf course, and may need to be airlifted out.
- "Weird Al" Yankovic shows up to play an accordion song called, "Please Don't Nuke Us, North Korea." His arguments against it include mentioning that the US isn't made up of evil people, just "a goofy bunch of fidget-spinning dorks who probably couldn't find their country on a map", and the implores them to spare the US's celebrities.
- John begins describing North Korea as "America's number one excuse for putting off chores this week."
- John discusses how most Republicans are seemingly unable to mention Trump by name while condemning the Charlottesville Neo-Nazis.John: You can mention him! He is not Voldemort! He's just a terrifying entity who viciously attacks his enemies and judges people based on their birthright — d'you know what, I do hear it now. I hear it now. I take that back.
- After a two week hiatus, John says that they have a lot to catch up, from the continuing tensions with North Korea, to Equifax's massive data breach, to "me personally falling off the Taylor Swift train."John: Look what you made me do, Taylor!
- When Trump says during a speech that his daughter Ivanka asked him to come with him and called him "Daddy":John: His 35-year-old daughter calls him "Daddy" and he likes it. That is one of those facts that on some level I already knew, I just never wanted to have confirmed. It's like when someone Airbnb's your place they literally ejaculate on everything, or if I was there for the Manson murders, [sheepishly] I probably would've stabbed someone. I'm not good with peer pressure, it would have been so weird if I was the only one not stabbing, I'd have probably had a quick stab.
- After Trump surprisingly sided with the Democrats in regards of a debt ceiling deal, John notes that a Republican aide told the press regarding Trump's reasons for it "Maybe it's about the wall, I don't know, none of it makes any sense." John says that phrase really should have been the slogan of Trump's presidential campaign.
- Saying that Steven Mnuchin looked like if income inequality dressed up as John Oliver for Halloween.
- John building a giant, "irresponsibly huge" train set for a small town's news outlet that had built one to put in the background for their weather forecaster is amusing. That same town taking that massive train set that John donated to them and thanking him by putting a mock-up of John's face over one of that train's tunnels is priceless.John: Well played, Scranton. Well played. There is simply no more passive-aggressive way to thank someone for a gift than by driving a train directly into their face.
- On the episode about corporate consolidation:
- John notes that small business are the rare thing that politicians across the political spectrum agree on, alongside supporting the troops and that "Ted Cruz can go fuck himself."
- John points out how dangerous it is to push buttons on TV that make noises like Jim Cramer does, as anyone can put any sound they want over it. He then plays a fart noise over the clip, and we cut back to him holding the Emmy he just won.
- When John is listing the number of the sectors of the economy that had been consolidated:John: ...and online search engines are, of course, as we all know, dominated by one mayor player. That's right, say it with me: Bing. That's right, Bing: The best way to Google something.
- John notes that corporate consolidation also affects the show itself, as HBO's parent company, Time Warner, is looking to merge with AT&T. So, of course, John goes on to mock AT&T:John: ...which makes this story a little dangerous for us to do. Although, you know, that is presuming that AT&T executives manage to get their shitty service working long enough to see it. AT&T: It's the top telecom company around alphabetically, and nothing else.
- On the episode centered about forensic science:
- Like most episodes, John begins the episode talking about Donald Trump. Unlike most episodes, however, John this time decides to celebrate catching Trump in a blatant lie by pushing a Big Red Button that triggers a huge celebration with performers, confetti, music, and a mascot in a tiger suit. However, John has to rush in and shut it all down, reluctantly admitting that this doesn't actually remove Trump from the presidency, so there's nothing to celebrate, causing everyone to walk off in disgust.
- Later, John tries to push the button again after catching Trump in another lie, only for the tiger mascot to stomp over and grab the button, walking off with it. John admits that's fair.
- In the same episode, John announces his new gameshow: "Can You Tell Whose Blood is Whose in a Pool of Blood?"John: It premiers on Tuesday night, and amazingly, it's already been cancelled.
- John, once again, swearing that there's only one Olsen twin.John: I don't know how this information helps prove my point, but once it does, IT'S OVER, YOU FRAUDS! YOU FRAUDS!
- When doing a mention about the recovery from Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico, John notes Trump's odd way to pronounce it as "Pu-EEEH-to Rico"John: Nobody loves anything and still says its name like that. If I ask you if you feel like Italian and you say "Let us order some spagh-EEEH-tti, I love spagh-EEEH-tti!", they you don't love spaghetti, you hate Italians, and we're not having dinner together.
- Of course the British John had something to say about Theresa May's "Nightmare" speech:John: That is not a good sign. Literally, that literally wasn't a good sign. [points at the sign placed behind May that kept falling apart one letter at a time] Not everything I say has to be a joke! I'm allowed to just say true things sometimes!
- John speaks about the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment scandal, including a quite Squicky story from a local news reporter.Details (NSFW) John's response to said account?John: Step aside, Chocolat! You are no longer the most horrifying picture that Harvey Weinstein has ever produced!
- When John mentions the claim that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called Trump a "moron," he references a "suicide pact" Tillerson allegedly made with Secretary of Defense James Matthis and Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin that, if one of them was fired by Trump, the other two would resign:John: That's right, apparently these three cabinet members have a pact to quit if one of them is fired, which makes sense, except: Mnuchin? The sexy? Yeah the guy's a perfect ten, we all agree on that,note but Mnuchin threatening to resign is a bit like a bee threatening to fly out of a car: Okay, fucking go then!
- John is clearly worried about Trump's comments during a reunion with military leaders that it is "the calm before the storm."John: What are you talking about?! For a start, no moment in the preceding nine months has been even remotely calm. It's like we're two hours into a Slipknot concert and they said, "Enough ballads, now we're gonna play one that rocks!"
- In the segment about the Confederacy:
- John plays a clip of Finding Your Roots where Larry David finds out not only does he have ancestors who fought for the South during the Civil War, but also owned slaves. Oliver's reaction to David's strained reaction is classic.
- Before that is Anderson Cooper's impressed and awed reaction to his slave-owning ancestor being beaten to death by his slave and bluntly agreeing that he deserved it.John: As a general rule, just try not to live a life that could lead a descendant of yours to one day say, "A guy smashed grandpappy's head with a garden hoe? That's amazing! Great job that guy!"
- After explaining all the problems with having monuments to Confederate leaders, John suggests some replacements. After two normal suggestions (monuments to African-Americans who achieved accomplishments), he offers Florida a statue of a bird-flipping alligator named Herman. Last on the list is North Carolina, who gets Stephen Colbert. As in, literally Stephen Colbert on a pedestal spouting facts about local history. Then Colbert notes he can't be there all the time, as his show need to be filmed five days a week, which John cannot believe he can keep up with. Then Colbert mentions that the town was the site of the first naval defeat of the British, just to annoy John.
- Pointing out how much Equifax has learned on how to deal with phishing websites in light of one popping up after the data breach, John points to equifaxfraudprevention.com, a website the show itself bought and put up to show that Equifax has still failed, which reads "How are we still able to do this? Why haven't you learned anything?", rubbing in the company's face its continued failure in handling what happened.
- John is baffled how hundreds of credit reports were sent to the same address.
- After revealing Australian politicians are protesting against Macklemore singing "Same Love" in the AFL Final, John shows said event has a bad tradition on musical concerts, with a terrible Meat Loaf concert (and to apologize to Australians, the "And Now This" shows this).
- On his episode about flooding:
- John mentions that flooding is likely to get worse due to climate change, and then remarks on the debate surrounding it:John: I know there are people who will dispute that, and we just don't have time tonight to litigate whether extreme weather events are exacerbated by climate change, so for now, let's just say-
Giant Bold Red Letters: THEY ARE.
- John compares buying housing in a flood zone to other bad ideas, like giving Tostitos to a seagull, stating that it will only to lead to Tostito-addicted seagulls following you around. Cue a puppet seagull swooping in to bother him until he chases it away. It comes back two more times, though the last time it suddenly starts speaking, and states that it would actually like to comment on the segment, giving a moving speech about how homes are more about the people you're with than where you live. Then it asks for Tostitos.
- John mentions that flooding is likely to get worse due to climate change, and then remarks on the debate surrounding it:
- On the episode about Economic Development Incentives
- Just as John starts mentioning about how he knows that it is a topic that isn't interesting, the "viewer" activates picture-in-picture to put John in the corner while they watch the Entourage movie. John then convinces them to hear the movie's first line and see which is the better option.Johnny "Drama" Chase: [arriving to a yacht full of beautiful women] I may have to jerk it before we even get there!
[the "viewer" immediately goes back to John]
- The Running Gag of John tuning Trump's erection to the sound of a slide whistle.
- John says that no one should get an incentive for moving to Fargo; they should get a psyche exam and be asked to answer one question.Who did you kill? No, seriously, who did you kill? We'll still let you live here, but we do need to know.
- The fact that Kentucky has a Noah's Ark museum paid for by tax dollars, and the website even addresses manure.
- After the main story, John does a segment about The Inspectors, a bizarre edu-tainment show on CBS where the U.S. Postal Inspectors act like the CSI Verse or other CBS crime dramas, all for the purpose of informing kids how to safely handle their mail. John learns the show isn't big with kids but is with senior citizens, so he gets help from shows popular with younger people to spread the message of postal safety, including Ru Pauls Drag Race, This Is Us (with Jack Pearson joking how he's not going to die from a letter bomb, referencing the show's Myth Arc) and Orange Is the New Black.
- Just as John starts mentioning about how he knows that it is a topic that isn't interesting, the "viewer" activates picture-in-picture to put John in the corner while they watch the Entourage movie. John then convinces them to hear the movie's first line and see which is the better option.
- From the segment on Alex Jones:
John: ... wait... Wait... Okay, so let's break that down: It repairs nerves, but maybe doesn't, it's organic, but not really, it contains GMOs, which is bad, except for when he's selling you something, and you can only find its ingredients in comets... oh, and blueberries! And it's the drop-off after that last one that is really incredible: "You can only find this stuff in dinosaur bones...and in trace amounts in Ritz Bits!"
- In response to Jones's infamous "turning the friggin' frogs gay" rant, John just wonders how he'll react to the real government conspiracy to turn raccoons bilingual.
- John's varying descriptions of Dr. Edward Group III, Jones's "medical expert", as looking like "the lead in a direct-to-DVD Kato Kaelin biopic", "what would happen if Tom Petty was machine-washed instead of dry-cleaned", "a fifth-year senior at the University of Falling Off A Surfboard", and "what would happen if Iggy Pop got the Rachel". Then he plays a clip of Group telling people to Google "refugees spreading disease", to which John retorts that doing that will probably just take them to the Wikpedia page on xenophobia.
- The run-down of a moment where Jones is unusually hesitant to make definitive statements about the effects of one of his supplements:
John: I honestly did not know you could imply that your competition kills people. "Four out of five dentists prefer Trident gum, and the fifth dentist is dead, because he put a piece of Wrigley's in his mouth, and that's basically suicide!"
- When Jones in a clip says people should buy his iodine over the one sold in stores because the store version will kill them:
- John refers to Jones's interview with Megyn Kelly as his appearance on Rationalizing Low Ratings with Megyn Kelly.
- Describing Jones's constant exhortations for viewers to donate or buy his merchandise as "an NPR pledge drive for people who hate NPR".
- On Brexit:
John: The naughtiest thing you've ever done is run through a wheat field? I cannot imagine a scenario where that is ever naughty unless you're doing it while high on PCP and fucking a cantaloupe!
- John's reaction to the naughtiest thing Theresa May has ever done: running through the fields.
John: And while they are a genuine logistical concern, pet passports do also sound like they belong to real asshole cats and dogs. "I mean, technically I'm a Persian, but I consider myself more a citizen of the world." Fuck you, Muffin! You still use your mouth to clean your butt! You're not better than me!
- His commentary on pet passports.
- In the season finale:
- John compares Trump's rambling manner of giving speeches to someone only using the preset word suggestions smartphones give when someone is typing. And then demonstrates by generating an example of doing so that makes just as much sense as one of Drumpf's speeches.
- John once again hits the "We Got Him" button for Trump, but this time the tiger mascot doesn't give him a chance to realize he's wrong, and just smashes the button. But this does get some pay off later, when John uses the Olson Twins' inability to accept his invite to appear on the show as "proof" of his conspiracy theory of there only being one of them, and hits the button (now reading "We Got Her").
- The Stinger to the episode: a promo for a Tom Hanks movie featuring all of the Presidential wax models John bought earlier in the season as a sort of presidential action dream team. Then one falls over.
- The trailer consists of a Don LaFontaine-style In a World... narration that keeps getting interrupted by John reacting to insane headlines on his phone."...the President's losing a Twitter fight to Jewel.""ISIS won Powerball? Who sold them a ticket!?""Where are kittens even getting opioids?""Oh, he did the accent. It's much more racist if he did the accent.""A chipmunk attacked a synagogue...and he knew it was a synagogue.""Wait, Harambe, again? I literally don't understand how that's possible. Did he come back? And then they got him again?...Was the same kid involved?"
- It ends with him getting a text that just says "RUN!". Nothing actually happens, but he still ends up running around anyway.
- His segment on scandals throughout the world:John: And now on our final stop on the Tour de Scandal, Israel: the thing that you bring up when all your friends are the same political party, but you still want to have an argument.
- On his episode about Trump vs. The World:
- John asks how is Donald Trump handles other nations:John: How his approach to the world going? And the answer, surprisingly, is great! And now, this!
["And Now This" transition starts before abruptly reversing]
John: Wait wait wait wait wait! I'm kidding! It's been a fucking disaster! In fact, to give you a sense of how much damage he can do in very little— I can't believe you nearly bought that!
- The segment ends with John talking about how America has great things and terrible things all mixed together, impossible to separate. If he had to summarize America in one sound, it would be New York City Gay Men's Chorus singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth, which for him is a terrible, stupid song sung in a beautiful manner.
- In another example of how America is both wonderful and awful, he brings up Popeye's Chicken.John: It's objectively awful, but I would RUN ACROSS TRAFFIC to eat this shit!
- John asks how is Donald Trump handles other nations:
- When John announced that the judge in the court case between the show and Murray Energy was planning to dismiss the case, he says that "Now is not the time for gloating...." followed Mr. Nutterbutter stepping out with a giant sign saying "EAT SHIT, BOB!"
- On his episode about the Italian Election:
- John notes that with the fact that it's Italy's 65th government in over 70 years, so even Italians might have trouble remembering who the leader is. John shows who it is, only to reveal that the picture is just what came up when he searched "Italian Man" in a stock image website.
- When he finds out that one of the political movements in the election organizes Vaffanculo Day, which translates to "Fuck Off" Day, he's very excited, thinking that Hallmark should get in on it, because he has a lot of people to send cards to.
- When it's revealed that a far-right supporter who opened fire and wounded six was a candidate for a local election, John points out that the man received no votes.John: Not only did his family and friends not vote for him, he didn't even vote for himself! Even if you are a racist, murderous piece of shit, if you run for anything, you should at least get one vote or you're just a fucking idiot!
- At the end of the segment, John notes that the government could still pick a non-politician who has had nothing to do with the campaign, and suggests that he should run. They asked several Italian legal experts, and while they said John couldn't run for Prime Minister of Italy, they also admitted that there's no explicit provision that said he couldn't.John: We have ourselves an Air Bud scenario. Remember: The rules of basketball did not explicitly state he couldn't play. Next thing you know, the dog's dunking. Well, I am that dog, Italy, so alley-oop, motherfuckers!
- He then goes on to state he is not so different from the other politicians running in Italy. There was a party started by a comedian, and he considers himself a comedian by technicality; there are politicians that appear on TV with live animals, which he's done several times; and for candidates who appeared as contestants on Italian game shows, he admits he hasn't done that, but considering all the false news that have gone on, he sees no reason why he shouldn't lie and say he has, showing fake footage of him on the Italian version of Wheel of Fortune, and making a ridiculous mistake which results in everyone including the host booing him (in reference to the exact same thing happening to one of the candidates who was a contestant).John: Why did I go to the trouble of faking a game show in which I lost? I think deep down, it's just who I am.
- Screwing up the accompanying photo of Silvio Berlusconi by "accidentally" showing HPV and then a condom filled with marinara sauce.
- When he says that Jared Kushner's behavior is not as different from Donald Trump, he notes that the difference between them is that one has electrifying sexual chemistry with Ivanka Trump...and the other is Jared Kushner.
- On his episode about NRA TV:
- After showing news segments noting that NRA TV is carried by Amazon, Apple, and Roku, John notes how Roku must be thrilled to be put on the same level of major streaming services of Amazon and Apple.
- When looking over the show Love At First Shot, he is baffled at the absurdity of some of the show's moments.John: "A light poof of happiness?" It's a little weird to describe a semi-automatic rifle the way Bob Ross describes a fucking cloud!
- Another is from their favorite moment of the show. Where two of the women shoot containers of paint over a canvas to give to the pregnant host to hang in their nursery.John: Yeah. They shot paint. So when somebody inevitably asks why you have what appears to be a blank canvas with a large bloodstain hanging up in your child's nursery, you'll be able to completely reassure them by saying "Oh yeah, my friend shot that for me!"
- They look over the commercials, which have a vaguely threatening tone over calming imagery. One example is how they portray marijuana, calling it a prostitute.John: I didn't think this was possible, but I think that guy just slut-shamed marijuana. And don't get me started on mushrooms, those filthy tramps! They'll grow next to anything! Whores with spores, that's what I call them!"
- Parodied at the end with a fake commercial making muffins sound absolutely terrifying, paid for by the National Pancake Council.
- At one point they show an NRA ad featuring a TV showing news clips critical to the organization and Donald Trump, including Last Week Tonight itself, before a man smashes the TV with a sledgehammer. At the end of the episode, the camera pulls back to reveal a TV similar to the ad, and John, dressed like the man in the ad, proceeds to smash the TV with a sledgehammer too.
- In relation to this, the original NRA ad where a television gets smashed prompts John to dryly comment, "If NRA members are annoyed with what I'm saying right now, they should do the exact same thing, and smash their expensive televisions with large sledgehammers. Are you listening, NRA members? Destroy your own property. It's a really good idea, and it's honestly the only way we'll learn."
- On his episode about cryptocurrency:
- John says that for most people, bitcoin was only talked about by the one guy in the office who wouldn't shut up about it. He decides to name this hypothetical person "Dan", because that's the name of the person who's been talking about it, showing pictures of the writer, Dan Gurewitch, who John constantly berates throughout the segment.
- John finds out that companies that added "blockchain" to their name saw their stock increase threefold, so he decides to rename the show to "Last Bit Tonight with Block Chainiver".
- John starts to list the ridiculous names of cryptocurrencies, such as Titcoin, DeepOnion, and Clams.John: A list so insane, you can't tell which ones are real, and which I made up, because they're all real, I didn't make any up! I tried to come up with a dumber name than DeepOnion, and it just can't be done!
- On the poisoning of Russian spy Sergei Skripal and the 2018 Russian presidential election:
- John points out that the United States and much of Europe agree on blaming Russia for the poisoning, which John thinks it's incredible, because "we can't even get the world to agree on a single shape of electrical outlets," while showing several types of shapes.
- John notes that the Russian government hasn't done much to dissuade the allegations, noting what a news anchor for Kremlin-controlled Channel One Russia said:Russian news anchor: If you're a professional traitor, my advice is don't move to England, something's not right there, the climate perhaps, but too many things go on there; people are hanged, poisoned, helicopter crashes or they fall out of windows.
John: It's not every day that you hear a news anchor sound exactly like a mob boss. [in Russian accent] "Breaking news: It would be real shame if wise guy who thinks he can make fun of us has terrible thing happen to him, maybe fall out of poisoned window into helicopter blade, or maybe he keep his fucking mouth shut; here's Linda with the weather."
- John jokingly reveals that the winner of the Russian election was Hillary Clinton, which prompts a showering of balloons while Rachel Platten's "Fight Song" plays. Then John admits he was kidding and states that the actual winner was "the poison guy."
- John resuming the reasons why the three potential candidates who might have had the best chance against Putin didn't make it to the ballot as them getting "Fucked, Harried, and Killed" respectively.note
- When watching a music video of Russian women praising Putin, John responds with his usual sarcastic utterance of "cool", except he does it in Russian.
- On his episode on Mike Pence:
- John shows a news segment where Donald Trump once joked about how Pence wants to hang all homosexuals, John responds that jokes like that only work when the premise behind it is true, like bad airline food, bad breakups, and people from Toronto being terrified of hard-boiled eggs.
- At the beginning of the segment, John said that there was one positive thing that he would say about Pence, which he later reveals is the fact that he actually likes Pence's pet rabbit, Marlon Bundo (which John even says is an objectively good name for a bunny).
- John then reveals that the rabbit has a book about it to be released shortly after this episode is released, so the staff made a book making the rabbit gay and releasing it before the other book Pence is planning on releasing.John: And let me be completely clear about this: This is actually a book for children! This is a real children's book. This isn't some adult book telling Mike Pence to go fuck himself. Although in buying it, that's exactly what you would be doing!
- The book quickly became much more popular than Pence's. In Amazon, Pence's book is currently at 15th place on sales with a few reviews, while John's book was a smash hit and has received universal acclaim, to the point where many 1-star ratings are just people praising the book to discredit anyone who tries to one-star it for having a gay rabbit. You know you've done something amazing when the review-trolls are on your side. (Although some fans did bash Pence's book in Amazon merely for existing, but Amazon now requires an actual purchase before it can be reviewed. Apparently it isn't a bad book, it's just that John's is better.)
- One of the people who've praised the book might surprise you; Charlotte Pence, the daughter of Mike Pence and the writer of Pence's book loves it, fully supports the charities, and has posted a picture of Marlon Bundo wearing the same bowtie LWT's Bundo wears. Even Bundo's own social media accounts have praised the book!
- When talking about the Egypt presidential election, he reveals the winner is Hilary Clinton, leading to another showering of balloons and playing "Fight Song", only to reveal that, again, he's just kidding, and he just loves messing with the audience.
- On his episode on immigration courts:
- John states that children with an immigration dispute having to represent themselves in immigration court to determine their nationality despite being underage is perfectly legals. He shows a YouTube series done by an immigration lawyer who interviewed children about their immigration status. It is comedy gold.
- The first one:Interviewer: And do you speak English as your native language?
Child #1: Yeah. I like my balloon!
Interviewer: I like your balloon too. What is your best language?
Child #1: I placed a tie over fairies to ?????? blue.
Interviewer: Where were you born?
Child #1: I... I... I... I... I... It was mommy and (Cheech?)
Interviewer: So do you feel like you can go ahead and represent yourself in immigration court to determine your nationality?
Child #1: Uh huh.
Interviewer: Alright, are you excited to do it?
Child #1: (excited) Yeah!
- And the second one:Interviewer: If you were removed, would you like to designate a country of removal?
Child #2: Yeah.
Interviewer: Okay, what country would that be?
(ten full seconds of silence)
Child #2: Pizza.
John: Yeah! Oh yeah, you laugh now, but it won't be so cute when that girl is deported back to Papa Johns, because it's technically pizza and that is exactly why these children need lawyers!
- The first one:
- The above leads to Tot Bench, a parody of judge talk shows where the cast are all 3-4 year olds with the exception of the defendant, H. Jon Benjamin, who is understandably miffed at the sight of it.Defendant: Do you even know my name?
Stenographer: David Schwimmer!
Defendant: How do you even know who David Schwimmer is?
Stenographer: Hacksaw Wige!
Defendant: David Schwimmer was not even in Hacksaw Ridge...Defendant: How did you become a judge?
Judge: I believed in myself to be a judge.
Defendant: And how long have you been doing this?
Judge: Fourteen years.
Defendant: You've been a judge fourteen years but you're four?
Judge: Uh, yeah!
- Eventually the defendant gets fed up with the toddlers' antics and pleads guilty.
- John states that children with an immigration dispute having to represent themselves in immigration court to determine their nationality despite being underage is perfectly legals. He shows a YouTube series done by an immigration lawyer who interviewed children about their immigration status. It is comedy gold.
- On his episode on Crisis Pregnancy Centers:
- How he introduces his main segment (similar to how he introduced the first time they handled abortion as a topic)...John: Pornography: Some people believe that it should be available and accessible without stigma, others think "Well, it's not for me, but it's fine for other people in certain situations", and a few people think it should be banned completely. Oh, did I say pornography? Sorry, I meant abortion.
- John is horrified when Barbara Beavers, founder of one of the CPCs, insists that women are meant to die for their children.John: Holy shit! Let me be perfectly clear here, Barbara, the only females made to die for their babies are Pacific Salmon. They lay thousands of eggs and then die after spawning. You're welcome! Tune in next week for more of Johnny O's Fish Facts, Wildlife Wonders, and Abortion!
- John notes that women would often go to a nearby CPC instead of the abortion clinic, so to make it clearer, they painted the ramp outside their door yellow, which he compares to The Wizard of Oz.John: Which is actually appropriate, because that movie, too, involves a young woman getting stopped several times by idiots bothering her with their own fucking issues as she just tries to get where she needs to fucking go!
- CPCs can spout some statements about abortion that are just Blatant Lies, one of which is if a person dies due to an abortion, they will find parts of the fetus in the lungs or heart.John: Oh yeah, that happens a lot of times, doesn't it? Which is why you're so often reading the obituaries and see "Sarah Mitchell passed away last week at the age of 34, after she got baby dicked right in the heart."
- The ultrasounds at CPCs sometimes have messages intended to get an emotional reaction from the parents, such as "Hi, Mommy and Daddy". John suggest more creative messages if they're going to make unrequested messages, like "I'm totally pooping in here", "I ate my twin", and "Please don't put this on Facebook, everyone hates that".
- John reveals how easy it is for anyone to set up a CPC, much like his founding of "Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption", he decides to make his own and bring back his "wife", Wanda Jo, going around in a van called Vanned Parenthood, where they are legally able to say anything they want about abortions, like abortions will make a ghost baby to haunt them forever, will turn their breast milk to kombucha, and after an abortion, the vagina will seal up like an Egyptian tomb. Wanda Jo then reveals that she's not legally required to have any training to use an ultrasound machine, and to demonstrate, she uses it to show that John's pregnant.
- How he introduces his main segment (similar to how he introduced the first time they handled abortion as a topic)...
- On his episode about Corporate Taxes:
- John introduces the segment stating that most people's concerns about the tax system can be summed up by a Instagram video by Cardi B:Cardi B: You know that the government is taking 40% of my taxes, and Uncle Sam, I want to know what you're doing with my fucking tax money. What are y'all niggas doin' with my fucking money?! What is up y'all with my fucking money?! I want to know, I want receipts, I want everything! [starts repeating it very fast until it becomes unintelligible]
John: Well Cardi, if you want to know where your money is going, may I present to you the recently passed omnibus spending package, because it turns out Cardi, your fucking money goes to Your Fuckin' Military, Your Fuckin' Health Care, and Your Fuckin' Social Security and Veteran and Unemployement Benefits; everything else is just some discretionary shit, and of course, interest.
- A lawyer named John Carol Jr. came up with an idea to move US companies offshore to avoid paying taxes, and to celebrate, his firm celebrated by hosting an opera in his apartment, celebrating about never paying taxes.
- Tim Cook, Apple's CEO, claims to not be stashing their funds on some Caribbean island, which John admits is technically correct: They put the money in Ireland and Jersey, which are not in the Caribbean.John: Although, when you really look at it, you could almost mistake it for the Caribbean, if you squint a little, drink nine pints of beer, and hold up a picture of the Caribbean in front of it.
- Google, however puts its intellectual property into Ireland, the Netherlands, and Bermuda, a technique which has the name of the "Double Irish with a Dutch Sandwich" which John thinks would be the name of the most disgusting sex act, or a more disgusting Waffle House item, claiming it's when someone opens up a baked potato, farts in it, and then closes it back up. This becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the segment, when John offers the companies a Double Irish with a Dutch Sandwich for them to enjoy.
- John introduces the segment stating that most people's concerns about the tax system can be summed up by a Instagram video by Cardi B:
- When talking about how the last remaining Blockbusters in Alaska would need something to draw customers in, he brings up Russell Crowe's auction of props and costumes from movies he's been in, which he briefly talked about on his Mike Pence episode. John is shocked that the leather jockstrap he wore in Cinderella Man that was expected to sell for $500 sold for $7000, leaving people to speculate that it was the Last Week Tonight team that bought it. John reveals that they weren't the ones that bought the jockstrap...except they were, though, showing off the new purchase. John then tells the audience that they didn't buy anything else from the auction...except they did, though. He then goes around displaying the new Russell Crowe stuff, offering it to the Alaskan Blockbusters, and if they don't want it, he knows a transportation museum in Scranton that would be open to making a new exhibit.
- On his episode about the Iran Deal:
- John shows a real-life commercial meant to criticize the Iran Nuclear Deal which involved a normal family sitting down to dinner only to be vaporized by a nuclear bomb mid-conversation. John's reaction.John: Wow! That is a hostile way to make your point. There is only one ad that you can completely justify being interrupted by a nuclear explosion and it is this one.
(Cut to Kars-4-Kids Commercial)
Kars-4-Kids Singer: ♫ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids, K-A-R- ♫
(BOOM then smash cut to the word ENOUGH)
John: Good. Good. I'm glad those children are dead.
- John explaining that not renewing the Iran Nuclear Deal in May because you're afraid Iran will be closer to developing a nuclear bomb in 10 years is nonsensical since cancelling the deal immediately means they'll be able to start making a nuclear bomb "right now, in zero years." John then points out the little known fact that 0 is less than 10.John: Trust us! We ran the numbers on this ourselves! I spent a week at Cambridge speaking with the Lucasian Chair of Mathematics, Michael Cates, and I feel virtually certain zero is less than ten! Also you should note, before the deal, Iran had enough enriched uranium to eventually create eight to ten bombs. Which, remember, they gave up. Meaning they currently have enough for zero bombs. Which again, is less than ten! I cannot stress enough, the extent that zero is less than ten! We have to agree on that, or we're all fucked!
- To try to find some way to reach out to Trump and tell him to keep the Iran Deal going, John bought ad time on Sean Hannity's show. The commercial is a parody of the one against the Deal, showing a happy family sitting down to dinner, only to be interrupted by... the Catheter Cowboy, who then tries to convince Trump to keep the deal going by pointing out 0 is less than 10, he shouldn't listen to John Bolton because of his silly-looking mustache, and then he and the family blow up anyway because the mom forgot she left the stove on.John: That ad is going to confuse a lot of people.
- John shows a real-life commercial meant to criticize the Iran Nuclear Deal which involved a normal family sitting down to dinner only to be vaporized by a nuclear bomb mid-conversation. John's reaction.
- When a news reporter says that the newest candidate for the West Virginia senate has recently been released from prison. John reveals the candidate is O.J. Simpson. And like the fake reveals that Hillary Clinton won an election, there's another showering of balloons while "Fight Song" plays.
- On his episode on Rudy Giuliani
- When John recaps Giuliani's popularity in the aftermath of 9/11, he notes that it included a Made-for-TV Movie about his life where he was played by James Woods. He then shows a clip of the film, where Woods-as-Giuliani is having a political conversation ("Democrats always talk about things getting better, Republicans did whatever they could to make them better"), then it somehow transitions into Woods-as-Giuliani kissing his wife:
- John notes that, at the beginning of Giuliani's career as a federal prosecutor, he engaged in such stunts as going undercover as a Hells Angel to buy crack, but after showing a picture of him, John claims that he looks less like a street junkie and more like "the third best member of an all-dad blues band called Dad to the Bone."
- John makes several jokes after revealing that Giuliani's first marriage was to his second cousin.
- When Giuliani claims that they didn't know about their familial relations until years into their marriage...John: Oh bull-shit! He didn't think it was just a little bit weird at the wedding ceremony when one side of the church was both families, and the other was just one very nervous photographer who didn't take a single picture?!
- When Giuliani publicly announced he had planned to divorce his second wife without giving her any prior warning...John: That is just about the most humiliating way possible to end a marriage other than announcing publicly, "Whoopsie! I boned my cousin!"
- When comparing Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani, John notes that both of them are attracted to Ivanka, which is weird for Donald because Ivanka is in his family, and weird for Rudy because she isn't.
- When Giuliani claims that they didn't know about their familial relations until years into their marriage...
- John plays a audio recording of Giuliani insulting someone for wanting to own ferrets in New York. Then we get to see the ferret owner, and John reluctantly takes Giuliani's side.
- John can't believe that in ten years, Giuliani went from Time Magazine's Person of the Year, to hosting a Mob Movie weekend on AMC.John: That would be like if in ten years from now, Bravo announced a Fuck Boys of the '90s Marathon hosted by Malala Yousafzai! "How the fuck did that happen!? What did I miss? Clearly, a significant amount of goodwill has somehow been squandered!"
- John decides to buy the names to several sites in response to Giuliani's actions. Going to http://hillaryclintonillness.com/ (in reference to Giuliani being one of the people who spread the conspiracy theory that Hillary Clinton had a grave illness during the 2016 Presidential campaignnote ) leads a video of two ferrets having sex, http://giuliani-security.com (in reference to Giuliani's private security company) leads to two ferrets that are cousins not having sex, and finally, http://giuliani2024.com (in reference to John noting Giuliani's similarities to Donald Trump, then adding that the only thing missing is Giuliani becoming President) leads to a ferret dancing and double-Flipping the Bird.
- In the update about John buying Russell Crowe's jock strap and other assorted film memorabilia:
- It turns out Crowe put that money to good use by donating it to the care of chlamydia-stricken koalas in Australia. The Australian Zoo (run by the Irwins) even made a plaque naming it "The John Oliver Koala Chlamydia Ward" in honor to John.John: Well played, Russell Crowe. Well played, indeed. That may honestly be the greatest thing I've ever seen.
- John reveals that his goal all along for the show was to get a koala chlamydia ward, decides to finally shut the whole show down. He packs up his things and the set gets deconstructed.John: I know you may be asking at this point "But John, wasn't making four-and-a-half seasons of aggressively researched comedy a fairly inefficient way of getting a koala chlamydia ward named after you?" And to that I answer, "Well, I mean, it worked, so I guess...Fuck you? I guess?"
- It turns out Crowe put that money to good use by donating it to the care of chlamydia-stricken koalas in Australia. The Australian Zoo (run by the Irwins) even made a plaque naming it "The John Oliver Koala Chlamydia Ward" in honor to John.
- A week later, the show airs as usual. Why are they back even though John shut the show down?John: First, HBO contracts are a little harder to get out of than I originally thought, and second, these horny little fuckers are not as cute as you'd expect! They are nasty, they're mean, they're not technically bears, and all they kept asking was whether or not I knew James Corden and I don't! I don't know him! But I hear terrible things! So unfortunately for everybody, this show must continue, and we begin tonight with the Trump White House: The only home in America where the next occupant will have to ask "What's the best way to get cum stains out of Abe Lincoln's ghost?" Now-
John: Yeah, WE'RE BACK!
- John talks about the controversy of one Trump White House aide who dismissed Senator John McCain's criticism of Donald Trump because "he's dying anyway" (McCain was diagnosed with brain cancer), stating that these days, it's not really surprising.John: "Trump aide says something awful" isn't really news, it's just an assumed fact, like gravity, or the fact that Young Sheldon will someday grow up and look nothing like Jim Parsons, and then all hell will break loose because the world can't handle an inconsistency like that!
- On Michael Cohen's Essential Consultants LLC:
- John starts explaining how Michael Cohen used an LLC called Essential Consultants for an array of business activities, including selling access to Trump, by stating that he thought that one gained access to Trump by finding a golden ticket in a MAGA hat.John: Don't fall into the river of gravy, little Charlie, or you'll never be the next owner of the racism factory!
- John notes that the name "Essential Consultants" is a total Non-Indicative Name, because Cohen is not essential, is not a consultant, and was the only person in the company, meaning that even the "s" in "Consultants" was misleading.
- John notes that he finds odd that Cohen's sales pitch involving his knowledge about Trump, stating that lawyers usually don't pitch themselves by offering info about their other clients.John: It's like a doctor saying, "If you hire me, I'll tell you about all of Larry King's birthmarks." First, you're not supposed to be sharing that information. Second, EWWW! EWWW!
- The best part comes when John lists the companies that actually did paid Cohen, culminating with AT&T, the company that is trying to buy Time Warner, the parent company of the show's channel HBO, especially when AT&T later admitted the deal stating that it was to "better understand the president's thinking."John: That is just ridiculous, because if you want to understand this president's thinking, simply have a donkey kick you in the head five times, and then watch Fox News for 72 hours straight. That'll give you a pretty good idea of what's going on in his mind.
- John starts explaining how Michael Cohen used an LLC called Essential Consultants for an array of business activities, including selling access to Trump, by stating that he thought that one gained access to Trump by finding a golden ticket in a MAGA hat.
- On his episode on Venezuela
- John warns not to confuse Venezuela con "Benezela", a celebrity couple that's just Ben Affleck fucking a vuvuzela.
- John notes that Venezuela is famous for giving the world seven Miss Universes and six Miss Worlds, "and of course, most importantly, one Wilmer Valderrama, who I like to think of as the Miss Universe of That '70s Show."
- John warns that this main story is not going to a pleasant topic like "Slippers", "Everything Looks Okay at the Pudding Factory", or "A Genocide, But It's Only Happening to Balloon Animals".
- John notes that conservative media has used the crisis in Venezuela as "proof" of the inevitable consequence of a socialist government, showing as an example a reporter from InfoWars who was pretty transparent in trying to get someone they were interviewing, a Bernie Sanders supporter, to bash socialist reforms in America because it failed in Venezuela, but the interviewee was completely disinterested. After a couple attempts to goad her, the interviewee dryly told the interviewer, "You people have, like, worms in your brain. Honestly."John: Now, that is not great news for that InfoWars reporter. She essentially just got served by Sassy Popeye.note But what you have there is a nice distillation of the current level of political discourse in America: Two people who don't really know what they're talking about, condescending to each other nonsensically, until one of them lands a sick burn.
- John notes that the protests in Venezuela had resorted to what has become known as "Poo-poo-tov cocktails", jars filled with human feces.John: Yes, "Poo-poo-tov cocktails", named of course after the Soviet premier Vyacheslav Poopootov, who was infamous for pooping in jars and throwing them at people, little bit of history for you there.
- John makes several jokes about the fact that the picture they use as reference for Nicolás Maduro is one of him opening his mouth wide to eat a banana.John: Current president Nicolás Maduro, seen here absolutely going to town on a 'nana.John: Despite all [the crisis], Maduro is about to dominate this election like he absolutely dominated that banana.
- When discussing how Maduro's predecessor Hugo Chávez is still popular in the country, John shows a clip that brings up the Chávez eyes imagery, culminating with a man who had the design tattooed to his forehead.John: Now that's dedication right there. "I like my President so much I want him to watch me masturbate for the rest of my life." Because that's what those eyes are going to see. They'll see other things, but [looks up and down to his crotch] they're also seeing that.
- John is amused by Maduro's claim that the spirit of Hugo Chávez talked to him as a bird, mostly because it's a very humiliating reincarnation.John: Now, what I like the most about that other than the whistling, which I like very much, is the idea that when powerful leaders die, they become birds, because that is a pretty humiliating second act. "I led my people to greatness, and now I will barf my lunch into my child's mouth and fly into a glass window."
- As proof that Maduro is not as popular as Chávez, John shows a TV appearance where Maduro was reading messages from the viewers on air.
- Venezuelans refer to their weight loss due to the food shortage as the "Maduro Diet". John says that it's a "healthy-sounding term for a truly horrifying situation."
- John notes that at one point, Maduro got the "Maduro Diet" term thrown at him, which he tries to spin saying that it "makes you hard! No need for Viagra!" John is appalled.
- In order to solve the hunger problem, the Venezuelan government proposed a plan to breed and eat rabbits. Instead, many people decided to keep them as pets. The government then made a "pretty callous" correction by saying a rabbit is two-and-a-half kilos of meat, which John says would be more fitting for a tank-top Marlon Bundo would wear in his clubbing days.
- Maduro blames the United States as conspiring to ruin Venezuela. While John admits that America was responsible for awful things in Central and South America, despite all that, America is not responsible for what is happening in Venezuela.John: Accusing America of creating Venezuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O. J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completely out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance!
- John notes how Maduro, when his party lost control of the National Assembly stacked the Supreme Court with new Justices, and then simply created a whole new Assembly that superseded it, which included his wife and his son.John: Just think of the sheer scale of what Maduro did there. That would be like, if here, Trump put a bunch of his friends on the Supreme Court, who then happily allowed him to create a second Congress that outranks the real Congress, and its members include Melania and Eric, and which, by the way, you just know he'd call Don-gress. You know he would do that! You know it! And please take it down before he gets any ideas, I already regret bringing it up.
- At the end of his episode, John decides that there's only one way for his message to reach Nicolás Maduro, a bird. And so he gets Wilmer Valderrama in a bird costume to speak.Wilmer: And if you're thinking this is just Wilmer Valderrama in a bird suit, well you used to think I was Hugo Chávez so, you're not exactly the authority on what's birds.
- At one point, John demonstrates how out of touch Maduro is with all the people starving in his country by playing a clip of him addressing Venezuela and pausing partway through his speech to eat an empanada. Later, when Wilmer Valderrama is out in his bird costume, he makes a comment directed towards John, who is revealed to likewise be eating an empanada.Wilmer: Maduro, the whole world can see what mess you are making, even TV hosts here in America, like that idiot.
John: [with a mouthful of empanada] I was just having a little snack.
Wilmer: Bad timing, Zazu.
- When talking about the royal wedding, John plays a clip from CBS where Gayle King, where she's confused about all the fuss about Meghan Markle's bottom.John: You know what? That's fair, Gayle, that's actually fair. We British people are not exactly known for our taste in butts. The actual Sir Mix-A-Lot was a 16th century nobleman so inbred, that when a girl walked in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in his face he just sneezed out of his elbow and died.
- On his episode on Rehab:
- John starts off talking about how until recently, addiction to drugs or alcohol was seen as something that could be overcome by sheer willpower alone. To emphasize his point, he shows a commercial from the 80's starring Belinda Carlisle in the Rock Against Drugs (R.A.D.) campaign. At the end of the commercial, John has his hand doing the devil's horns, saying "Rad" in a sarcastic tone. He also points out that Carlisle admitted to using cocaine for another two decades after making that commercial.
- The rehab industry has seen an epidemic of overdose deaths, to the point where one local official says to "Stop sending your loved ones to South Florida, because we're sending them back in body bags". John admits it's horrible, but not an inaccurate tourism slogan for Florida.
- One researcher found that most rehab centers boast impressive success rates, only going as low as 80%, but had no scientific data to back up their claims. John suggests that they might as well go further if they're going to make such impressive claims.John: Why even stop at 80%? Why not say you have a 140% success rate? "For every ten people that come into our facility, fourteen emerge completely sober! Where did those extra four people come from? We have no idea! That's how good we are!"
- John follows up by saying that most of the data is self-reported, mostly coming by calling the former clients.John: It can be hard to admit that you've relapsed. Plus it's a phone call, so you'll say whatever it takes to make it end. Cause getting sober may be hard, but nothing is harder than an eight-minute phone call with another human being.
- During an interview with Cliffside Malibu's founder, Richard Taite realizes that he has no idea where the patients are, saying that wherever they are, there's a "therapeutic meaning behind it".John: Good save, bro. Cause you were in trouble for a minute there but the "therapeutic meaning" line was absolutely inspired! Because the truth is, anything can have a therapeutic meaning! His patients are stroking horses? That could be therapeutic! They're biting owls? That could be therapeutic! Even the act of them being lost could be therapeutic! It's called "inadvertent wilderness therapy", and it's 140% successful!
- The cycle of admission, relapse, readmission, and relapse, in which a patient is milked for their insurance in rehab centers until they die, is called "The Florida Shuffle", which is more horrific than John's initial idea of what that could've been, which was a party where everyone throws their keys into a bowl and goes home to fuck their neighbor's alligator.
- On the Royal Expert:
- It turns out that the Royal Expert, Thomas J. Mace-Archer-Mills, Esq. is actually a New Yorker named Tommy Muscatello, John compares it to a British person pretending to be American by using the name Jefferson Budweiser McNuggets Jr.
- He apparently has an agreement with two, unrelated, elderly British people to call them his grandparents.John: He went to Europe, met an old lady, asked her to be his grandmother, and now he knows all about the monarchy. And if that sounds at all familiar to you, it's cause it's literally the exact backstory of Babar the Elephant!
- John calls Tommy's plot lazy, and suggests a better way to trick everyone with a much more favorable endgame.John: If you really want to pull the wool over people's eyes...get a spot on The Daily Show, bide your time, perfect your stupid fake accent, and eventually land your own weekly program on HBO! Ooh, have I said too much!?
- On his episode about court-appointed guardians:
- John gives a basic rundown on how guardianship works, and that it's great if it works, but acknowledges that since it's their main segment, it is not always the case.John: That's simply not what we do on I Just Wanted to Watch a Comedy Show and Go to Sleep But Now I'm Sad with Johnny Joy-Killer.
- John starts out the segment talking about senior citizens who are still well and active, one of them being a 104-year-old woman whose secret was drinking 3 glasses of Dr. Pepper every day.Woman: Two doctors have told me that if I drink it I'll die, but they died first.John: Okay. Follow-up question: did you kill them? You seem awfully proud of that fact.
- One of the guardians named April Parks charged for one-hundred hours a day. John insists that it's only possible on Mercury, where a day lasts 1407 Earth hours. John then explains that joke was exclusively for Neil deGrasse Tyson, who quickly corrects John on his joke.John: SHUT UP, NEIL! SHUT UP! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?! JUST ENJOY SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU FECKLESS-Oh, never mind. It's not worth it.
- When someone makes a "fox in the chickenhouse" metaphor, John is quick to insist that not all foxes are thieves, it's just an offensive stereotype based on Swiper from Dora the Explorer with the hashtag #NotAllFoxes. However, because the show uses all-capital font, he acknowledges that it could also be read as #NoTallFoxes, with an appropriate graphic, which John also agrees should be given awareness.
- John shows a skit of several elderly celebrities telling people how to prepare for old age and the possibility that they might need someone to look after them. During this, they randomly segue into a discussion about how hippos are killing machines. And apparently everybody except Rita Moreno was here to talk about hippos, and Fred Willard is especially annoyed that that's not what the video is about.#FuckHippos
- The celebrities discuss how a guardian is supposed to be someone you know and trust like your son or daughter, close friend, or Tom Hanks. At the end of the video, all of them appoint Tom Hanks as their legal guardian.
- John gives a basic rundown on how guardianship works, and that it's great if it works, but acknowledges that since it's their main segment, it is not always the case.
- On his episode about Stupid Watergate II:
- John lists off Trump's TV friends at Fox News: Pumpkin Dad, Captain Virgin (Tucker Carlson), Bad Judge (Jeanine Pirro), Whiter Megyn Kelly (Laura Ingraham), The Dunce Bus (the hosts of The Five), The Dunce Bus Jr. For Presidents (the hosts of Fox & Friends), and Michael Cohen Client Number 3: Sean Hannity, a man voted most fuckable by Nana Needs New Glasses magazine.
- John explains that Rudy Giuliani is trying to appeal to the jury when he goes on television, and that is the American people.John: And I know what you're probably thinking right now, "Fuck! Jury Duty! Time to act like a racist idiot to get out of it!"
- Sean Hannity displays a list of names in an effort to divert attention away from Trump's investigation. John counters with a list of his own. The list includes Harry Connick Jr., Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Cher, Wayne Gretzky, Joyce Carol Oates, The Olsen Twin, P!nk, Desmond Tutu, Sinbad (Comedian), Sinbad (Sailor), Yakov Smirnoff, Idi Amin, L. Ron Hubbard, Fatty Arbuckle, and Fabio.John: Hey Sean, have you thought about these fifteen people? What about them? What about Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Sean? What about Cher? We're not talking about the FBI until you answer. What about Cher, Sean?
- John shows that Hannity constantly claims his other controversies make Watergate look like stealing a Snickers bar. John notes it's an odd comparison considering Snickers doesn't sponsor Sean Hannity's show, assuming that Snickers simply couldn't compare with Hannity's actual sponsors: "My Pillow", Recticare cream, and Sock Slider, with John showing a commercial for the last one, revealing to be a device to put on socks.John: Oh thank goodness! I have been waiting for someone to invent a gadget that I can pre-load with a sock condom and foot-fuck my comfort every morning!
- John is amused at Fox News' constant references to FBI agents Peter Strzok and Lisa Page's affair using increasingly unsubtle euphemisms.John: Oh yeah, they were fuuuucking! They were doing the nasty, doing the slam-bam in the ham, stuffin' the muffin, fishing for kippers, they were porking them in 44 and piercing them at 52, they slid the wand into the Goblet of Fire, they were dining at the all you can bone buffet at B. J. O. Porkington's. They were having an affair.
- John points out that there was no evidence of a conspiracy against Trump's in Strzok's and Page's 7,000 messages to each other, but he wants to extend some sympathy for the reporter who had to read 7,000 sexts between two horny FBI agents.
- John gives up on picking apart more conspiracy theories because there will always be another rabbit hole. John the specifies that he means a metaphorical rabbit hole, and not "The Rabbit Hole", the gay club where Marlon Bundo found his confidence years ago.
- On his episode about Xi Jinping:
- When Xi Jinping said that the world needs to learn more about China, John agrees, and admits that the show should've done more segments on it.
- The overall mood of China's middle class is positive, which stuns John.John: Wow. A sense of optimism about the future. I've got to say, as a British person, I just find that utterly incomprehensible. If you look up optimism in the OED, and this is true, the definition simply reads "No".
- The music video for China's Belt and Road initiative starring kids is so annoying yet catchy, John dubs it "Kommunist Kars 4 Kids".
- On Xi Jinping's crackdowns on references to Winnie-the-Pooh due to being embarrassed about the supposed resemblance between them, John points out that it's not much of one, but the simple fact that it irritates him so much means that people will never stop bringing it up. He then advises that the only way to win when you resemble a popular cartoon character is to "lean into it", while showing a picture of himself alongside Zazu from The Lion King, referencing his upcoming role as the character in the 2019 remake.
- China's plans to give each Chinese citizen a social credit score includes the penalty of low-speed internet if one's score is too low. John thinks that low speed internet is a perfect business opportunity for AT&T, which is now HBO's parent company.
- On the Chlamydia in Norway issue:
- John is shocked that there are ads calling Norway as the land of Chlamydia to advertise selling condoms at 7-Eleven, calling it the second most shameless signage-based Chlamydia publicity stunt he's ever seen, the first one being his koala ward.
- Another commercial for sex-education in Norway involves a man in a penis costume sneaking up to unsuspecting people, shooting confetti out of the penis head, and screaming. John has three main problems with the commercial. First, the screaming from the penis. Second, the tagline for the commercial translates to "Penis can surprise you", which sounds like a pick-up line from a Russian at an airport bar. And third, the fact that the penis bends at a right angle to shoot the confetti. And if someone's penis does look like that, John suggests sending video proof to Jeff Sessions's email address. And after he gets done with that, the penis sneaks up on John.
- On his episode on Mexican Elections:
- John starts off the segment explaining how most Americans know nothing about the Mexican government, including Enrique Peña Nieto, so much so that the picture John is showing isn't Enrique Peña Nieto, it's the result of searching 'Mexican Man' on a stock image website.
- John tells us how one of the candidates hates Santa Claus to the point where he supposedly tells his kids every day that Santa isn't real. Guess who decides to pay John a surprise visit? (Actually, it was Bobby Moynihan, but he's treated like he's actually Santa.) After proving his existence, John asks how Santa spends his time when it's not Christmas. He masturbates. All the time. Until his magic sack is empty and it resembles a candy cane.John: Never meet your heroes.
- John describing another candidate as if Pitbull went to grad school.
- His response to the mayor of Piedras Negras refusing to hide from the cartels even after they murdered a congressional candidate in the same region running against them:John: That is just amazing! And, for the record, I am not that brave! I am not that brave at all! Sure, I'll shit-talk the drug cartels from the safety of New York - this, for instance, is the actual head of the Sinaloa Cartel, and I'll happily say that he looks like Andy Garcia won a pizza-eating contest, 'cause, fuck that guy! Fuck him! I'm not scared of him! But I wouldn't have the courage to say that in Mexico, and I wouldn't even have the courage to say it here! That's not the head of the Sinaloa Cartel! That's another stock photo! Do you think I'm fucking crazy!? Do you think I'm insane!? I'm a coward!
- In the episode about Prosecutors
- John notes that "Prosecutors will decide" is a three-word phrase used so often, the meaning has been lost.John: Like "User Agreement Update" or "Some Restrictions Apply" or "Tyler Perry Presents". At this point, I'm just gonna assume he presents everything. It's safer that way. I technically think he presents this show. I wouldn't be completely surprised about that.
- One prosecutor had a little electric chair on his desk with five people. All of were released from Death Row.John: Yep. The thing he kept as a token of his success is now a monument to poor decision making. It is the prosecutorial equivalent of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Oscar. (Audience groans) And look, if you want to see-Why did that joke upset you more than anything else tonight!? You have got to be consistent! You've got to be! You might care about Cuba, you care about him too much in this context!
- John notes that "Prosecutors will decide" is a three-word phrase used so often, the meaning has been lost.
- In the episode about Facebook in Myanmar, at long last, the show brings back the "Country you think about so little" Running Gag. This time it's not Myanmar, but Mikhail Gorbachev's famous forehead birthmark.
- In the episode about Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court nomination:
- Before diving into the bleaker, more serious segment of Christine Blasey Ford's testimony, John briefly opens up the episode with a jab at the Philadelphia Flyers' new (and rather demonic looking) mascot.John: Gritty looks like the end result of the orange McDonald's Fry Guy hooking up with Grimace. And we've been over this a million times before on this show, if you're a McDonald's mascot you do not have sex with another McDonald's mascot. Genetics are too similar and their kids turn out very, very weird.
- Gritty then comes back in the end as the stand-in for Kavanaugh in the Supreme Court of Dogs (symbolizing how John considers Kavanaugh going to the bench an even bigger aberration than Neil Gorsuch, who's represented by a lobster), complete with him crazily dancing at his desk and chugging down a can of beer.
- Brett Kavanaugh getting annoyed for being accused of "fights on boats in Rhode Island" leads John to conclude it is fitting, after all:John: "I mean, come on?! Do I seem like exactly the type of person who might be in a fight on a boat in Rhode Island?! Seriously! You tell me! When you picture a fight on a boat in Rhode Island, do you picture two of me yelling at each other? Exactly at this volume? I would like to see you say that to my face on a boat in Rhode Island!"
- John's constant takedowns at what seems to make Kavanaugh teary-eyed. Specially when the list with women leads to a dramatic reading of "Mambo No. 5".
- Before diving into the bleaker, more serious segment of Christine Blasey Ford's testimony, John briefly opens up the episode with a jab at the Philadelphia Flyers' new (and rather demonic looking) mascot.
- In the episode about the 2018 Brazilian presidential elections:
- Before diving into front-runner Jair Bolsanaro's horrific racism, misogyny, homophobia and general sociopathy, John rants about Bolsanaro's frequent use of finger guns.John: He does it All. The. Fucking. Time! [pictures of Bolsanaro doing finger guns are shown at every pause]
- While the rest of the episode is rather bleak, Bolsanaro flirting with Ellen Page during their interview is funny in a Crosses the Line Twice way. John in particular expresses amazement at how Bolsonaro managed to make Page confused, stating that should be impossible because she was in Inception.
- Before diving into front-runner Jair Bolsanaro's horrific racism, misogyny, homophobia and general sociopathy, John rants about Bolsanaro's frequent use of finger guns.
- John describes Rick Scott as "auditioning for the role of 'Happy Pencil' in all my nightmares."
- In the episode about Authoritarianism:
- John snarking that Russia's musicals sound awful without gay people.
- John's parody of Duterte's Christmas ad, complete with a fake hashtag (#DisplinaOliver).
- The final "And Now This" segment of the season has the narrator cut off what he's doing in order to go into a rant about how he's overqualified for his job.
- To close out the season, John provides Call Backs to both the presidential wax figures he bought last year (and the movie he made starring the Harding one) and his buying of Russell Crowe's jockstrap from Cinderella Man to provide publicity for the remaining Blockbusters in Alaska. Specifically, he creates an action movie trailer starring the wax presidents as a heist crew out to steal the jockstrap. Joining them is Armie Hammer.
- When the presidents are being introduced with criminal nicknames and a list of their skills (and of course Warren "G-Dog" Harding is the leader):
- Richard Nixon (aka "Tricky Dick") as the explosives expert.
- Jimmy Carter (aka "Jimmy C-Note") as the group's mechanic
- William Henry Harrison (aka "Willy Pneumonia") as "a sick man with a sick rap sheet"
- Bill Clinton (aka "Billy Wheels") just falls over, and Armie Hammer openly wonders what his purpose in the group is.
- The criminal mastermind the crew is going up against? Russell Crowe himself.
- When the presidents are being introduced with criminal nicknames and a list of their skills (and of course Warren "G-Dog" Harding is the leader):
- In the December 2018 Brexit update, Gilbert Gottfried makes a return, reading off articles from Theresa May's Brexit agreement, which, after several obvious jabs at the handling of Brexit, he finally stops him and has him read a Bigfoot erotica, ending off with a threat to have him read chapter 2.
- In the episode about Gene Editing:
- After a news clip talking about experimental gene therapy causing rapid recovery to an infant with leukemia, where her father calls it a miracle:John: That's fantastic! And he's right, it is a miracle! Except when you think about it, it's actually not, it's science. Which I would argue is actually better and more convenient than a miracle, because you don't have to spend the next two thousand years worshiping the scientist. You can just be like, thanks!
- After a news clip talking about experimental gene therapy causing rapid recovery to an infant with leukemia, where her father calls it a miracle:
- How John begins the first episode of the season:
- John states that too many things happened during the three months the show went on hiatus, so he sums it up as "Every single person in America is now running for President, and Jeff Bezos told us all to keep an eye out for his dick pic."
- John does not let Donald Trump's "hamberders" tweet slip away, saying that Trump will probably tweet about his declaration of national emergency on the border as "The Berder Cornstidutes a Nertional Ederdency."
- John is perplexed at how Trump summarizes the legal challenges he expects his declaration to have, made more so by Trump accentuating the end of every clause.Trump: And we will have a national emergency, and we will then be sued, and they will sue us in the Ninth Circuit, even though it shouldn't be there, and we will possibly get a bad ruling, and then we'll get another bad ruling, and then we'll end up in the Supreme Court, and hopefully we'll get a fair shake, and we'll win in the Supreme Court...
John: You know, yet another great reason for Trump to not be President is that I now kind of want to see him as a historical expert on the next Ken Burns miniseries. "They killed the Arch-duke, and Germany got mad, and then there were tanks, and also poison gas, and there was a beagle on a dog house flying around shooting at people, and then America won..."
- When discussing how IKEA apologized for leaving New Zealand off a world map they're selling, John does an entire segment about how this keeps happening with world maps, saying how odd it is for a country that's essentially "Times Square if all the people were replaced with sheep, and all the signs were also replaced with sheep", with an absurdly photoshopped visual to match. In the end, he reveals that the show's Twitter feed is providing maps of New Zealand that can be printed out and added to the map of the user's choice.
- When discussing the looming Brexit deadline:
- John first shows a clip from a British reality show, Love Island, where half the people involved don't even know what Brexit is, then go onto a tangent on whether it'll affect their ability to buy cheese. It says a lot about the discussion that, despite Last Week Tonight's fame for "deep dives", John does not want to dive into it.John: There's a lot to unpack there, but I'm not going to because I don't think it should be unpacked. It's like offering to help a friend move, and all the boxes are labelled "dead spiders for mom". You could unpack them, but it might be better to just burn the whole place down and never speak of it again.
- Clips from another reality show, Gogglebox (which show people's reactions to what they're watching on TV), shows that many people are confused and scared by Brexit. One particular clip has a man, in response to the constant Brexit covering, quoting a mug he saw (which read "New Day, Same Shit"), to the annoyance of his swearing-hating wife, and the man justifying it by having been on the mug. John then jokes that the man places the blame for all his bad decisions on mugs.John: (as the man) Another mug I saw said, "I think this marriage just isn't working". It's not my fault, Mary, it was on the mug!
- When discussing the European boy band "Breunion Boys" and their songs dedicated towards trying to convince Britain to stay in the EU, John states that their music is a reason in and of itself to leave.
- How do the Breunion Boys try to convince Britain to not leave? Lift up their shirt to show their rock-hard abs while saying "Look at what you leave behind." John isn't impressed, since every British person is already incredibly ripped, including John himself and especially the Queen, thus not needing ripped Euro people, and tells the six-pack "pencil-neck" to get out.
- When a man whose business is built around transporting flowers between Britain and Europe complains about how Brexit could seriously negatively impact his business, John warns that there shouldn't be any sympathy for the man, as the rest of his interview reveals that he voted for Brexit, because he didn't stop to think about the possible consequences.
- Once again, John notes that when the show airs in Britain, they won't be able to use part of the story because it uses a clip from proceedings in Parliament. So, John provides British viewers with another clip... from an 80s Chippendales exercise video, with no context whatsoever, after a newscaster says that this is the footage of the meaningful vote's result being announced.
- The pseudo-Churchillian Rousing Speech at the end.
- John first shows a clip from a British reality show, Love Island, where half the people involved don't even know what Brexit is, then go onto a tangent on whether it'll affect their ability to buy cheese. It says a lot about the discussion that, despite Last Week Tonight's fame for "deep dives", John does not want to dive into it.
- When Mark Harris dismisses his son's comments about the scandal surrounding his supposed election fraud as "a touch of aggression", John says that sounds like a good name for a restaurant owned by Alec Baldwin, wherein waiters scream the menu at you and then punch you in the face.
- Going into a story about celebrity psychics, John outright admits that he doesn't believe in psychics and isn't going to pretend otherwise.
- At one point, he shows a clip of John Edward doing a performance for a town of primarily Irish descent, to which he eventually just starts throwing out random Irish surnames in the hopes of getting one right. John states that it sounds like he's trying to guess the true name of the Lucky Charms leprechaun — which John then claims is actually Ibrahim Saladin Al-Saheem, stating that the audience needs to readdress their conceptions of Irish culture.
- Another clip of Edward shows him making an inaccurate guess about an audience member, but then trying to convince the audience member that he's actually right. John says that Edward should be given credit for "doubling down on a bad guess".
- A clip showing old footage of a celebrity psychic on The Today Show is prefaced by John saying "I'm afraid it's the exact Today Show anchor that you are hoping/dreading is", revealing him to be Matt Lauer, which ends with Lauer saying that he was "touched" by his reading and "in tears" afterwards. John says this is odd, as usually when Matt Lauer is involved with people being touched, he's not the one in tears.
- This little response from John on a clip of a local news team busting a phony detective psychic who said that the boy from the photograph she was given is in heaven, unaware that the same boy is alive and sitting right behind her.John: That boy is indeed in the opposite of heaven, he's at a Denny's.
- At the end of the episode, John sets up a fake morning talk show with its own fake celebrity psychic, namely Rachel Dratch reprising her role as Wanda Jo Oliver, John's "wife" from the Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption skits, though now wearing a blonde wig and with a fake Jersey accent (as she's now parodying a particular psychic).John: Didn't you use to be Southern?Wanda Jo: Not anymore!
- Wanda Jo proceeds to give a blatantly fake spiritual reading, constantly referring to the spirit she's allegedly talking to as "he or she" and guessing random letters and saying that they're all somehow connected to the spirit.
- Once again, John has Gilbert Gottfried dub over a video clip of Jared Kushner speaking.John: Look, I don't know when this joke is going to stop being funny, but it's not fucking now, and it probably won't be next time!
- On "Automation":
- John spending a minute and a half mispronouncing various countries after learning Trump's nicknamed Nepal and Bhutan "Nipple" and "Button" respectively.
- Then during actual segment, he comments a robot will never take his job because it would make a mistake like spending a minute and a half listing country names Trump would get wrong.
- John's reaction to old advertisements calling machines "mechanical slaves":John: (in an exaggerated British accent) Slaves slaves slaves! Oh, how I have missed them! Yes! Mechanical slaves! If you close your eyes, you can forget that they're mechanical!
- Bringing up a story of a robot that was sent hitch-hiking across the US, and how it was destroyed in Philadelphia. The robot's creators write it off as saying it could've happened anywhere, but John immediately calls bullshit...John: This is a city with a chronic police horse-punching problem. Sending a hitch-hiking robot into Philadelphia is not unlike sending a beautiful bell symbolizing freedom into Philadelphia. There is no way it's going to remain in one piece, and there's a non-zero chance that someone is going to try and fuck it (Gritty appears and starts fucking the Liberty Bell...to which John briefly loses his composure)
- John spending a minute and a half mispronouncing various countries after learning Trump's nicknamed Nepal and Bhutan "Nipple" and "Button" respectively.
- On Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro tweeting a video of a golden shower:
- John finds out that one news report about it, understandably, doesn't show the video in question, but John is indignant.John: Oh, you're not, are you? Well, guess what? We're not afraid, we are going to show it to you, [audience wildly cheers] except of course we're not; what are you cheering for?! This is HBO! This company doesn't show debaucherous sex for the hell of it, unless a dragon is also there to make it okay, that is the clear rule.
- John notes that in the tweet posting the video, Bolsonaro said "Comment and draw your conclusions." John is more than happy to oblige.John: My comment is "What the fuck are you doing?", and my conclusion is you're a terrible President.
- John speculates that Bolsonaro posted the video, which Bolsonaro claimed showed the debauchery of Carnival, because the Carnival of that year roasted him, best exemplified by how a giant puppet of Bolsonaro at a parade got pelted, which John notes is quite remarkable considering that there was also a giant puppet of Michael Jackson.Explanation John: How much effort must have gone into that puppet that they still brought it out after the documentary? "Look, I've already sunk weeks into this, and to be fair, the documentary doesn't really tell us anything that as a society we haven't been fully aware of and willfully repressing since 1993, so if you're getting angry about it now, you're either disingenuously riding in the current social wave or you're incredibly fucking naive— Carnival!"
- John finds out that one news report about it, understandably, doesn't show the video in question, but John is indignant.
- The main segment on robocalls:
- While examples of the robocalls themselves that play in the beginning aren't funny there is one that stands out because of an awkward pause.Robocall: The reason of this call is to inform you that the IRS is filing a lawsuit against (beat) you.
John: Ohh, it's a pause in that last one that made it a real cliffhanger! I mean you basically knew where it was going but there was a tantalizing chance to inform you that the IRS is filing a lawsuit against (beat) Nicholas Cage.
- The two clips that demonstrate spoofing (robocalling a person under the name of somebody they know). One of them is Susan Collins having someone from her staff call her from across the same room they were in under the guise of the IRS. John then calls Susan Collins a proper representation of robocalls by pretending to be something while we get disappointed that she is something else.
- Another clip is of a security expert named Jim Stickley who calls Jeff Rosen's mother from the latter's own phone asking for her social security number. The unsuspecting mother freely gives it, eliciting a Face Palm from Jeff, and causing the video to get a long "bleep" to censor the number. John then jokes that the reason the number was bleeped out wasn't to protect her identity, but because the social security number was actually "fuck shit fuck cock twat taint jizz shit tits"
- Another clip shows a caller messing around with a robocaller by trying to get her to just admit to him that she's not a robot multiple times (with each time shrugging the request off by constantly stating "I am a real person/this is a live person" and awkwardly laughing before saying it (with the clip cutting off at the same awkward laugh).
- John brings up how the only way to contact the FCC so that a person can have themselves removed from all robocall lists (as opposed to just all sales calls that the official "do not call" registry is for) is to send a letter to a PO box. This leads into an epic rant where John goes on about how inconvenient the process of mailing letters is in the modern day (having to find and buy stamps, then find one of an increasingly rare number of mail boxes to use), culminating in him saying he'd rather be dead than having to deal with all that.
- A clip of Ajit Pai is shown where he condemns robocalls and delivers a speech about fighting them, only for him to answer his phone in the middle of it and announce to everyone that he won a cruise and leaves to take the call. John's initial reaction (doing a muffled sound, as if trying to muster a mock-laughter but giving up halfway through) is hilarious in itself, but his followup is even better:John: Ladies and gentlemen, that man is a goober. And Ajit Pai clearly has aspirations for higher political office, but I will argue that that's not gonna work out for him, because Americans can, have and will elect bastards, [shows a picture of Andrew Jackson] morons, [shows a picture of Warren Harding] blowhards, [shows a picture of Lyndon Johnson] crooks, [shows a picture of Richard Nixon] perverts, [shows a picture of Bill Clinton] dipshits, [shows a picture of George W. Bush] con men, [shows a picture of Donald Trump] scumbags, [shows another picture of Donald Trump] and shitweasels, [shows yet another picture of Donald Trump] but they will never, ever elect... a goober.
- True to his tradition with bombarding the FCC with complaints in protest of any controversy on their part or lack of action on issues, this time John records his own robocall and sends it out to the top people of the FCC (which only took Last Week Tonight's tech guy fifteen minutes to do so. The call goes as followed:Robo!John: Hi FCC. This is John from customer service. Congratulations! You just won a chance to lower robocalls in America today. (monotone laugh) Sorry, but I am a live person! Robocalls are extremely annoying and the only person who could stop them is (beat) you! Talk to you again in ninety minutes! Here's some bagpipe music. (bagpipe music plays)
- John tells the FCC that if they want the robocalls to stop all they have to do is look through their terms and conditions that are hidden within the first chapter of Moby Dick.
- At the end of the segment, he pulls out a giant red button that he states will not start the robocalls to the FCC, because that's just not epic enough and everyone is expecting it. What it will do is cause a giant finger on his set to push a huge red button to start the robocalls to the FCC.John: Unleash Hell!
- While examples of the robocalls themselves that play in the beginning aren't funny there is one that stands out because of an awkward pause.
- In his segment on "Public Shaming"
- John brings up the public outrage over Tucker Carlson's racist comments, citing hashtags such as #BoycottTuckerCarlson, #FireTuckerCarlson, and #TuckerCarlsonFucksHisRoomba.John: That last one's not actually trending, but... [grinning] I have a feeling it will be in about twenty minutes.
- In response to Jay Leno having said around the time the episode aired that he wished "civility" could return to late night shows because of their constant mention of politics and politic scandals, John shows a montage of clips of Leno from his Tonight Show years showing how during the Lewinsky scandal Leno was no better himself, saying relentless Slut-Shaming jokes against Monica Lewinsky. To cap it off, in response to one of the jokes being Leno promoting a book about her called "The Slut in the Hat", John recommends another book to him, "Oh The Places You Can Go Fuck Yourself, Jay Leno!".
- John brings up the public outrage over Tucker Carlson's racist comments, citing hashtags such as #BoycottTuckerCarlson, #FireTuckerCarlson, and #TuckerCarlsonFucksHisRoomba.
- John discusses how, during the confirmation hearings of Dave Bernhardt to be the next Secretary of the Interior, a protester drew attention to the fact that he was a former oil lobbyist by putting on a swamp creature mask (and that up to an hour later, the protester was still there).John: It is pretty funny, although I would not be doing my job if I didn't point out that this [shows a picture of Swamp Thing] is a swamp creature, and technically what she's wearing is a lagoon creature mask; that distinction might not mean much to you, but in the gross aquatic goblin communities, confusing the two is actually pretty racist.
- The segment on WWE:
- John introduces the segment by describing Professional Wrestling as "literally the only good excuse to wear a onesie."John: And that's right babies, you're not pulling it off; put on some jeans and a button-down like a fucking person!
- John mentions how the company was once called WWF until they lost a suit with the World Wildlife Fund, which he credits was "thanks to that fund's powerful team of Panda lawyers."
- John admits he legitimately likes professional wrestling, including showing a segment from WrestleMania 22 where Edge puts Mick Foley through a flaming table. However, when announcer Joey Styles says "what's gonna happen?" John chimes in "what was he expecting to happen!?"John: [imitating an announcer] "Oh, the table's on fire, oh my God, here comes a Hibachi chef and he's making one of those onion volcanoes on the table! Now he's doing indoor s'mores— OH MY GAWD!!!"
- John notes that among WWE's endeavors is its own film studio, WWE Studios, which produced The Scorpion King, Walking Tall, The Marine film series, "and of course, Lincoln."
- John mentions that WrestleMania is considered one of the most valuable sports brands in the world, even surpassing the World Series.note John can see why:John: It actually makes sense when you think about it, because while the World Series is mostly spent watching a millionaire in a button-down think about whether or not to throw a ball, WrestleMania involves things like this:
[shows a clip of Shane McMahon throwing himself from the top of the Hell in a Cell structure and into a announcer's table at WrestleMania 32]
John: [ecstatic] Are you not entertained?!
- John even adds that no other TV show could top that, so he states that every other TV show should be called "Unfortunately Not a Guy Exploding Through a Table" before stating that his show should be included, before showing a graphic for Unfortunately Not a Guy Exploding Through a Table with John Oliver.
- When John goes through reports of wrestlers who died before the age of 65, John particularly zones in on Fox & Friends mentioning King Kong Bundy's death, and Brian Kilmeade mentioning an anecdote about Bundy lifting him.John: Wow, that is a harrowing statement there from Brian Kilmeade, only slightly dampened by his childlike wonder at how high the big man lifted him, and how did that even happen? Did Bundy offer him? Did Kilmeade ask? Honestly, I wouldn't really be surprised if one of his stock interview questions is "Up, up, horsey ride!"
- John shows a graphic showing the death rate of the population as a whole, former NFL players, and wrestlers, and while the first two are around the same level, the wrestlers' level is considerably higher than the two. John says that one would expect such a high death rate for "Test pilots who lied on their resume" or "Zookeepers who aren't just going to let some fucking baboon screech at them like that."John: Hey, hey! Enough sass-mouth there, buddy! Put some respect on my name!
- John introduces Vince McMahon by showing a shirtless, musclebound picture of him, which John says he took for a fitness magazine, which John says it's called "Scary Grandpa Who Looks Like A Big, Bumpy Hotdog Quarterly".
- John mentions how wrestling was originally splintered into territories around the country, showing a montage of their respective announcers greeting their audience, which ends with Jim Ross in a tuxedo... right next to Michael Hayes with a pink waistcoat with no shirt, flexing his muscles and mugging to the camera.John: Look, I get that wrestling is all about spectacle and pageantry, but a tuxedo, Jim? A tuxedo? Tone it down a notch, you're not at a fucking gala. Michael: As usual, no notes; you look great, keep living your truth.
- Because of all those territories and different organizations, it was originally alright for wrestlers to be considered "independent contractors" as opposed to employees since they had a choice about who to work for and when, but now that the WWE has effectively monopolized the industry and put all their wrestlers under exclusive contracts, John says that calling wrestlers "independent contractors" is about as accurate as calling Jimmy Carter "a panty-dropping fuck-machine".John: It's just clearly not true... any more.
- Because of all those territories and different organizations, it was originally alright for wrestlers to be considered "independent contractors" as opposed to employees since they had a choice about who to work for and when, but now that the WWE has effectively monopolized the industry and put all their wrestlers under exclusive contracts, John says that calling wrestlers "independent contractors" is about as accurate as calling Jimmy Carter "a panty-dropping fuck-machine".
- John states that, since McMahon is an active character on his company, that gives an opportunity for Catharsis Factor when talking about him, as he has taken a lot of in-ring abuse. This becomes a Running Gag through the rest of the segment as he shows McMahon getting beat up by his wrestlers.
- After John shows The Rock hitting McMahon in the head with a trash can lid:John: [with a face of satisfaction] Wrestling's good, it's just very good.
- After showing Shawn Michaels superkicking McMahon, then teasing a strip-tease (which actually elicits cheers from John's audience!):John: [again with a face of satisfaction] Wrestling is better than the things you like.
- After showing "Stone Cold" Steve Austin hitting McMahon with a bedpan:
- After showing McMahon get shoved face-first into the ass of Rikishi.John: You know, the reassuring thing there is: You can fake being kicked in the face, or hit in the head with a bedpan, but there is no faking that.
- After John shows The Rock hitting McMahon in the head with a trash can lid:
- After going through wrestlers who have accused the company of malpractice regarding health insurance, he mentions CM Punk's claims that they only gave him Z-Pak to the point that he shat his pants on an episode of SmackDown, and that he tweeted afterwards "Just shit my britches on smackdown. Please RT." John calls it "the best tweet ever written."John: Seriously, you try and think of a better tweet right now. Have you got one? Does it say "Shit my britches. Please retweet."? Then it's not better, is it? Stand down!
- John notes that one way that can help is fan response, which had previously criticized the company for its treatment of their female wrestlers and its dealings with Saudi Arabia for their Crown Jewel event, putting as an example the vocal negative reaction fans give Roman Reigns, who the company tried to promote as a Face, at one point even booing him for eight minutes.John: And you might think that's harsh, but I'd argue that that was the only rational response to someone with permanently wet hair. How could it always be wet? You look like a pedophile out for a jog! Boo! Boo!
- John introduces the segment by describing Professional Wrestling as "literally the only good excuse to wear a onesie."
- The episode on mobile homes:
- John shows an old ad of two women getting excited over a mobile home one of them bought, which is very Ho Yay-laden due to some very suggestive sax music playing in the background. He then points out that anything someone could get could sound like that when that kind of music plays.John: (in the same tone as the women from the ad) You got a taxidermied fox?! (same music plays as a creepy stuffed fox is unboxed)
- The same ad gets parodied at the end, reflecting the harsh realities that the woman who bought the home is going through while the friend she is showing the house to is still completely clueless, to the point that she rans her out of the house with a shotgun. Then the episode's credits showed the blooper reel of said parody, which if anything cranked the Ho Yay Up to Eleven.
- John shows an old ad of two women getting excited over a mobile home one of them bought, which is very Ho Yay-laden due to some very suggestive sax music playing in the background. He then points out that anything someone could get could sound like that when that kind of music plays.
- When returning to the opioid epidemic, quotes by pharma king Richard Sackler are given to Michael Keaton ("intimidating heir who doesn't like the spotlight"), Bryan Cranston (fiction's best known drug dealer), Michael K. Williams who played Omar from The Wire (another drug dealer) and Richard Kind (to make clear Sackler said "I don't know" several times in a deposition to the point he deserves to be mocked, and after noting that the three previous actors are all cool while Sackler looks quite like a dork).
- YOU KILLED JIGGLYPUFF! JIGGLYPUFF IS DEAD NOW! WHY DID YOU THROW IT SO HARD?!
- "Chijohn's Journey" is both hilarious and heartwarming.
- When discussing Australian politician Clive Palmer, John notes how he's basically just copying Trump's campaign tactics. He particularly pokes fun at how Palmer is running on a slogan of "Make Australia Great", saying that when it's lacking the "Again" it's comes off as pretty insulting to the country.
- John also brings up how Palmer is constructing a replica of the Titanic called Titanic II, and lists all the things wrong with that idea: the name is too simplistic, especially since the real Titanic's actual sister ships had better ones; the name Titanic is synonymous only with size and sinking, but there are larger modern cruise liners, so now it just invokes sinking; and all of Palmer's talk of reliving the spirit of Jack and Rose is nonsense since they weren't real people.
- Lethal Injection:
- The segment opens up on a video of a desert tree frog, a frog which croaks like a squeaky toy (which is the species' war cry). John then clarifies that that's not what the main story is about, he just wanted something cheerful to show before getting into it.
- In response to the head of the Oklahoma corrections department confessing to using Wiki Links "or whatever it is" as a source to include the drug midazolam in a botched execution, Last Week Tonight bought the domain name "wikileaksorwhatever.com", which now shows a large banner reading "Mizaloam doesn't stop people from feeling pain, please stop using it in executions" and added in the angry, squeaking frog to cut the tension.John: What a frog!
- In response to the head of the Oklahoma corrections department confessing to using Wiki Links "or whatever it is" as a source to include the drug midazolam in a botched execution, Last Week Tonight bought the domain name "wikileaksorwhatever.com", which now shows a large banner reading "Mizaloam doesn't stop people from feeling pain, please stop using it in executions" and added in the angry, squeaking frog to cut the tension.
- Wyoming State Senator Lynn Hutchings' justification of the death penalty: If it weren't for Jesus Christ dying under and resurrecting from it, we wouldn't have hope. A baffled John takes this to mean that if we kill enough people, another Jesus will emerge.John: Papa needs a new pair of Jesuses!"
- Twice, John reminds people that Game of Thrones (which he calls "the greatest lead-in in TV history") will soon be ending. The second time, he tacks on "in three weeks, this network is fucked."
- Also, the context of that second mention. John lists all the various drugs usually involved in the lethal injection process, noting that they sound like alien races in a sci-fi book series, which he says HBO is probably already auctioning the rights for in order to produce as "Game of Space Thrones".
- The segment opens up on a video of a desert tree frog, a frog which croaks like a squeaky toy (which is the species' war cry). John then clarifies that that's not what the main story is about, he just wanted something cheerful to show before getting into it.
- Green New Deal:
- After explaining that Ocasio-Cortez' idea has merit, John goes into a very long tangent comparing the issue of climate change to having to flee England because you'd fallen in love with a mob boss' wife.
- He then brings on Bill Nye to demonstrate how a carbon tax would work. He's unimpressed with Bill's first, dry explanation, so John requests that he jazz it up while explaining the long-term ramifications. Bill explains the ramifications before launching into this.
- He brings Bill on one last time to sum up the short, so Bill brings out a globe, a propane torch, and several ways to extinguish a fire. He then sets the globe on fire and says while he could easily put it out, in the real world the problem is much more complicated and will cost money. He settles for trying to blow out the fire like a candle, fails, then gives up and lets it burn. Poor Bill just sounds at his wit's end when explaining the consequences of global warming. After he storms off...
- John opens the story about medical devices by first talking about how much good they often do, including a news story about a elderly woman whose hip replacement allows her to take lead in a senior citizen dance group called "Moms In Da Hood". John then messes with the audience by pretending that the group are making a guest appearance, only to quickly reveal they're not.
- The 2019 UK Conservative Party leadership election.
- At the start of the segment, when mentioning Theresa May's pending resignation, John again plays clips from Gogglebox, that British reality show that shows actual footage of people's reactions to what they see on TV, now about May's resignation. One in particular has a woman saying that she has no sympathy for May because she had three years to work on Brexit only to "fuck it up" and get it "gloriously wrong". In response to that last comment, John shows something that he says really is gloriously wrong, specifically all the fireworks at a planned 45 minute show all going off at once.
- When discussing leading candidate Boris Johnson, John brings up various comments made about him by other British politicians, including one that actually called him "fucking stupid". Also he plays a clip of Johnson tackling a child during a publicity stunt rugby game.
- Another candidate, Michael Grove, is noted to have claimed to love rap. Yet a clip shows that during an appearance at a school, his response to a child asking him what rappers he likes is to quote lyrics from Wham. To which John waits a beat before saying "fresh" (in the same way he usually says "cool" whenever showing someone acting Totally Radical).
- When discussing another candidate Rory Stewart, John notes that he too has been accused of tackling a child during a sports game (specifically a young Prince Harry). But then John notes that in the clip of said incident, the person who tackles Harry is blonde, whereas Rory is brunette. This leads to what John calls the "Second Rory Theory." ("It's a bit difficult to explain, and I don't have time to get into it now, but basically: we think there's a second Rory.") This leads to a 5 minute gag of John going over the footage with all the intensity of a Conspiracy Theorist discussing the Kennedy assassination, noting that there are actually three people in the footage who might be young Rory. He ultimately decides, that most likely, Rory is the one who actually doesn't do anything to manhandle Harry, with John deciding that Rory has been allowing these accusations to persist because (going by the actions of the other candidates and past Prime Ministers) the most likely way to become Prime Minister is to be weird around children.
- The ERA:
- Most of the segment discusses the Equal Rights Amendment, and how it's very close to becoming law in America — but there are thirteen holdout states, one of which is Florida. John then shows a clip of two young women in Florida being interviewed about the ERA, and the reporter informs them that their state is a holdout, to which they both respond with exasperated groans.Woman: [not sounding too surprised] Oh my God, I am so tired of living here!
- John then points out that their exasperation is exemplified in the fact that the woman, her friend, and the reporter all seem to be dressed for different climates.
- At the end, John calls on the thirteen holdouts to ratify the ERA.
- He admits it's almost certainly not going to be Alabama.
- When he brings up Mississippi, he stops upon realizing that they have the Confederate flag on their state flag and chews them out for it. John admits that Mississippi could ratify the ERA, but it would be really out of character for them.
- He encourages Virginia to ratify it, since, as the birthplace of Chris Brown and Pat Robertson, "You owe us this!"
- And finally, he says he really hopes it's not Florida, because he doesn't want to have to give Florida credit for this.
- Most of the segment discusses the Equal Rights Amendment, and how it's very close to becoming law in America — but there are thirteen holdout states, one of which is Florida. John then shows a clip of two young women in Florida being interviewed about the ERA, and the reporter informs them that their state is a holdout, to which they both respond with exasperated groans.
- Although the Everest episode has been well-covered on the Nightmare Fuel page, John's (infinitely more ethical) solution to the problems discussed is simply to enable people to pander on social media, just by creating fake photos of the summit.
- John shows off his own fake summit the end, bragging about how he's the first British man with glasses in a navy suit to climb Mount Everest and shoos away the sherpa helping him.
- In one clip, a white tourist on an Everest expedition questions the morality of the tourists being there to one of the sherpas. The tourist is relieved with the sherpa's answer of "we're all a big family" instead of "just sherpa and client" and the two men hug. John reminds him that the relationship is just sherpa and client and calls the hug "a man squeezing the white guilt out of another man".
- In response to the fact that the majority of people going to Everest aren't really mountain-climbing enthusiasts and are really just interested in getting bragging rights and cool pictures, John suggests that they instead visit Makalu, the world's ninth-largest mountain. He then states that he made up such a mountain, only to then double back and say that it is real but is actually the fifth-tallest, and also that the picture he's been using is the view from Everest, not Makalu. All to make a point about most people's general knowledge about mountains.
- When it's mentioned that one person who climbed Everest did so in order to make the world's highest phone call, John says that he hopes the guy wasn't using AT&T or the call wouldn't go through. He then takes a moment to give a very heartfelt apology to "business daddy" about all the jokes, because he does feel that they have a genuine connection... and then says that he's glad that connection's not on their network, or it'd be dropped by now. The camera then pulls back as confetti cannons go off, John celebrating that he managed to zing AT&T twice in such a short amount of time.
- On Jared Kushner's Middle East peace plan:
- After John shows a clip of Trump expressing his trust on Jared brokering a peace deal:John: Of couse he is! Jared's racked up an impressive list of accomplisments in his 38 years on Earth, from having a very smooth shiny face to end of list.
- When John goes to show a clip of Jared talking, he again shows a clip of Gilbert Gottfried dubbing him over instead:John: The man is a once-in-a-generation orator, he's like Cicero reincarnated as a garbage disposal...
- Then the clip of Jared actually explaining his plan is shown, where he says that it requires people on the Middle East to stop "doing terrorism." John's reaction speaks for itself:John: Yes, after years of thinking about it, Jared's arrived at the conclusion that the Middle East would be better off if people stopped "doing terrorism." Just think about the chain of events that led him to that moment: Jared had that idea, "not doing terrorism" and thought, "That's an awesome point, I'm gonna write that down." So he did, and then he went to sleep, exhausted by the thought. He woke up next morning, read what he'd written, and he was like, "Yep, nailed it, I'm a good boy!" Then he said that point, unembarrassed, out loud in front of actual human beings.
- After John shows a clip of Trump expressing his trust on Jared brokering a peace deal:
- From the Warehouses segment:
- The clip opens up with a woman discussing the convenience of ordering on Amazon Prime.John: Now I know she might sound lazy there, but you simply can't blame Ashlyn Aardema. She spent all her life at the beginning of every alphabetical list, she's never had to wait for anything!
- This commentary on Amazon's video trying to portray their warehouses as funny, breezy workplaces:Narrator: Finally, Jackie gives every box a long and loving hug before loading it onto a truck.
Jackie: No, I don't.
Narrator: Oh. Maybe just this one?
(Jackie hugs the box and small drawn hearts pops out)
Narrator: Aw! You love it.
John: Hold on! Hold on! Saying "You love it," after coercing her into hugging a box is gross! And it's frankly telling that on YouTube, and this is true, comments are disabled for that video. Presumably because Amazon knew that the only reasonable response to this is "Fuck everything about this!"
- When discussing a story of a women dying in a warehouse after being denied a break, two very different testimonies are discussed: the warehouse company adamantly contradicting witness accounts while refusing to hand over any reports that LWT requested (revealing that they never even wrote them), and an informal but straightforward Facebook post about employees being forced to still work even as a dead body laid on the ground. John legally can't say that he believes the Facebook post because at least it recorded something of the event. He really really wants to say that, but he's not allowed to so he's not going to say what he's said three times already.
- At the end, the show does a parody of Amazon's video:Narrator: Every day, thousands of things arrive and Sean goes to find them! Tell us about yourself, Sean.
Sean: I pick up products, and I'm a horrible dancer.
Narrator: Oh, that's fun! Can we see some moves?
Sean: (reluctant) Oh... I've already walked 12 miles today...
Narrator: (with more than a hint of a threat in his voice) I said "dance"!
(a clearly unwilling Sean starts dancing awkwardly, suddenly one of his knees makes a cracking sound)
Sean: Ah! Fuck! Shit! Ah!
Narrator: Lisa here packs your stuff in boxes. Don't you, Lisa?
Lisa: Can't talk now! I'm running behind on my "units per hour"!
Narrator: Aw, it's okay. Tell us a little about yourself. Liz.
Lisa: (stops packing) I'm a mom. Got two kids. I don't see them as much as I like—
Narrator: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR KIDS, LISA! YOU'RE FALLING BEHIND!
Lisa: (frantically starts packing again) Shit!
Narrator: Faster! Faster! FASTER!
Lisa: Oh, fuck you!
Narrator: NO, FUCK YOU!
Narrator: And finally, Jackie hugs every box.
Jackie: No, I don't.
Narrator: Aw, maybe just this one?
Narrator: (threatening-sounding) Because a lot of people want this job.
Jackie: (nervously) Okay...?
Narrator: (chipper-sounding again) One day a robot will hug boxes, and we'll be done with this whole charade!
Jackie: (resigned) Yeah... I get it...
Narrator: (back to threatening-sounding) But until then: Hug the box, Jackie.
Jackie: (now scared) Okay. Um...
(Jackie reluctantly gives the box a brief, awkward hug and small drawn hearts pops out)
Narrator: Good. Now, kiss it.
Jackie: (about to cry) I don't want to!
Narrator: Kiss the box.
- The clip opens up with a woman discussing the convenience of ordering on Amazon Prime.
- On UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson:
- John describes Trump as a "mound of skin tautly stretched across the howling chasm of the space where a soul should be"
- John's remark after Johnson notes that ping pong was initially known as "whiff waff", and was invented on an English dining table:John: The French looked at the dining table as a canvas upon which to create exceptional cuisine, while the British saw a way to basically invent mouse tennis!
- John recalls how as a young journalist, Johnson was fired by Times of London for completely making up a quote:John: His editor claims that Johnson "was the single worst employee he's ever had" and "skipped many work days to hang out with his best friend, Jeffrey Epstein". Which is terrible! It's not true, I made that quote up! But now you can see how easy it is to fabricate them!
- After showing a video of Johnson stating that he would accuse the EU of waging a war on anything, including "prawn cocktail crisps", John notes that it's a real snack, which happened "when a country forgoes food in favour of playing whiff waff".
- John later tastes some prawn cocktail crisps, gagging and saying that "It's like eating a cremated mermaid, but in a bad way!"
- After a clip of Johnson insulting Muslim women:John: That is an appalling comment that leaves a disgusting taste in your mouth.....much like the shrimp crisp crusts that has very much voted to remain on my fucking tongue!
- A BBC Newsnight reporter has some cutting words for Johnson:Reporter: I've spoken to one figure, who said that working with Boris Johnson is like walking a few feet behind a horse shoveling its shit.
- Oliver sums up Johnson by comparing seeing Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral vs having him in United 93. Oliver's re-enactment on what that would look like being priceless.
- In a Meta sense, the show received some backlash from British fans.....due to John's mockery of the prawn cocktail crisps.
- On Prison Labor:
- John opens the segment with a very poorly aged clip from a once-beloved children's entertainer explaining what prison is.Bill Cosby: All those people who are in prison right now were kids once just like you. (cut) And then somewhere along the way they did something wrong, something dumb. (cut) Whatever it was, it probably started small, became bigger, maybe they even got away with it at first and thought they'd never caught. But they were wrong. Now, they're in prison.
John: Yes, they are! It's almost like they should've really seen this coming.
- John points out how the state of California employed some prisoners to help with the firefighting effort during the great forest fires, but also how, when said prisoners' terms are up, they are not allowed to use those skills they learned in civilian life, because California works under a law that bars people with a criminal record from working in emergency services.John: Which means that being a firefighter in prison, is not unlike being an Art History Major in college. It maybe be fun while you're in there, but you're not going to be doing it once you get out! Do you hear that, Vessali? You're going to work in human resources. You're going to have a favorite coffee mug and a throw pillow that says "It's Wine'O Clock Somewhere!" And you're going to stare out the window, yearning for the sweet release of death. Just. Like. Everybody. Else!
- John opens the segment with a very poorly aged clip from a once-beloved children's entertainer explaining what prison is.
- On President of Turkmenistan Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov:
- In response to a rumour that Berdimuhamedov had died, the Turkmenistan government aired clips of Berdimuhamedov doing certain activities...very physical activities, with the videos being shot in a way that it couldn't be proven that Berdimuhamedov actually did them, and in virtually all cases being clearly edited. Including doing donuts around a flaming crater. Seriously.
- John actually doesn't begrudge Berdimuhamedov for his bizarre obsession with Turkmenistan's national horse, the Akhal-Teke, explaining that while he himself doesn't want to fuck horses, if he were a horse, he'd totally be down for fucking an Akhal-Teke.
- Playing a clip of Berdimuhamedov faceplanting during a horse race, noting he probably finds it very embarrassing and would prefer people see it as little as possible, then playing it twice more, once with a closeup.
- And the piece de resistance - making a world record-breaking cake showcasing that particular image.
- On Bias in Medicine:
- As an example of gender bias in medicine, a clip is played of Katherine Leon, a woman with heart problems, being denied medical attention and told to "Go home". John has this to say in response.John: Wow, that doctor managed to find literally the only time in which telling someone to go home is bad advice. Cause, having a bad day at work? Just go home! At a party, stuck to a guy who wants to talk about bitcoin? Go home! You're on second, and your buddy grounds a single into left field, the outfielder picks it up and throws it to first as you round third but you realize he's overthrown? Go home! Go home!
- On racial bias, the racist belief that black patients are drug dealers had caused a black woman with Lupus to become afraid of visiting the doctor, and John sympathizes.John: Of course you'd be frightened to go to the doctor if you feel they treat you like a drug dealer. I'm terrified of them, and the worst thing doctors ever say to me is 'Mr. Oliver, you're 42, and you should no longer need to be bribed with a lollipop to get a flu shot'. But I want one! I want a wowwipop. I've been very brave, give me a wowwipop.
- A clip of some Wanda Sykes stand up plays as an example of racial bias where she talks about how black people do not get prescribed opioids by doctors, only "ibu-fucking-profen". The episode ends with Wanda Sykes coming in, shooing John out of his chair and finishing up he episode. When discussing changes that must be made to inaccurate medical information in the medical field, Wanda proposes a solution to people currently facing medical bias: bring a white man to describe your problems to the doctor, which is shown in an app in which Larry David does that.
- As an example of gender bias in medicine, a clip is played of Katherine Leon, a woman with heart problems, being denied medical attention and told to "Go home". John has this to say in response.
- On the segment about Brexit negotiations under Boris Johnson:
- John starts describing Johnson as, "If you want to make one at home, the recipe is simply: Boil one clown."
- When showing a video of Johnson's parliament defeat, a man can be heard shouting in the video "Not a good start, Boris!" At the end of the segment, he states that's a good way of summing it up all.
- John notes that the situation was so chaotic that one report stated that an amendment was passed by accident. He compares that with accidentally shaving Henry Winkler's face into the fur of a moose.John: What the fuck was happening in your life, that that could happen inadvertently?!
- John plays a clip of the Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow admonishing one Member of Parliament by yelling at him "Be a good boy!" John muses that "if he's gonna speak to a British lawmaker like he's talking to a dog, I really hope he also speaks to dogs like he's addressing British lawmakers."John: [imitating Bercow] Would the Right Honourable gentleman Mr. Waggles please finish licking his ballsack? OR-DEHR! OR-DEHR! Very rude!
- John once again reminds the audience that in the UK, Parliament footage can't be shown on a comedy show, so this time, it is replaced with an Irish Catholic sex ed video from the 1980s, featuring an elder woman being amazed at how God made the vagina, in particular how "slippery" it is.John: I know, I know: Hawt, right? It's genuinely difficult to decide which part of that is the most sexy: The reference to God, the uninterrupted eye contact, or the absolute dream of hearing her say the word, "slippery". It all works for me, it's all good for me.
- John notes that even Boris's own brother, Jo Johnson, renounced to his government post, stating on Twitter that he was "torn between family loyalty and the national interest", and ending the tweet with "#overandout". John can't decide which is worse: The man saying that staying with his brother compromised national interest, or ending said statement with a hashtag. John eventually suggests other hashtags featuring combinations of "#BoJo" (one of Boris's nicknames) and "#JoJo", before finishing with just "#HotterBrotherWiselyAbandonsSloppyIdiot"
- John reacts to the exasperated reaction of a bespectacled English commentator with bangs about the issue by saying, "English me is right.note He missed the memo about losing the bangs, but he's right."
- On Filibusters:
- John shows a clip from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington where Jimmy Stewart's character is delivering his famous monologue before collapsing. After the clip ends, he dares to do a Take That! on a Sacred Cow when it comes to actors:John: He was a bad actor. They were all pretty bad back then, but he was especially bad.
- John mocks senators for their needlessly long filibusters and the stunts they pull to keep it going:
- Strom Thurmond debating a civil rights act for 24 hours straight with his aid waiting with a bucket for Thurmond to relieve himself while still on the Senate floor.
- Rand Paul messily eating candy in his thirteen hour filibuster of Obama's CIA director nominee.
- Ted Cruz creepily reading Green Eggs and Ham in protest against the Affordable Care Act.John: I do not like that man Ted Cruz. I do not like his far-right views. I do not like his stupid chin. I do not like his smarmy grin. I do not like him with a beard. I do not like him freshly sheared. I do not like Ted Cruz at all. That man Ted Cruz can suck my balls.
- John shows a clip from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington where Jimmy Stewart's character is delivering his famous monologue before collapsing. After the clip ends, he dares to do a Take That! on a Sacred Cow when it comes to actors:
- On Legal Immigration:
- John opens the segment by describing immigration as the thing that brought America Albert Einstein, Yo-Yo Ma, and himself. He then notes "And obviously, fuck, marry, kill, respectively".
- A clip showing politicians talking about immigration ends with Ted Cruz. John seamlessly does a Call-Back to the Green Eggs and Ham bit from the previous episode:John: I do not like that man Ted Cruz. I do not like him in the news. I do not like what he just said. I do not like his boxy head. I do not like him wearing glasses. I do not like him kissing asses. I wish he'd never get one vote. That man Ted Cruz can lick my scrote.
- Also, describing his own show as "Sad Zazu's Mildly Interesting Explain Train" and the Running Gag of Emily Dickinson's poem about Death having a big, fat dick. (It Makes Sense in Context.)
- While Trump ranted on "chain migration" and mentioned he wants to cut greencard sponsorships to just spouses and children, it's revealed right after that Melania's parents became naturalized US citizens through their daughter's sponsorship. John points out both the blatant hypocrisy in the situation, as well as Trump's mother in law being only one year older than him.
- John explains the different types of visas people are allowed to come to the US under, including his own, the 0-1 visa, "For persons with extraordinary ability in... arts." The audience cheers him on for it:John: I know what you're all thinking deep down, and FUCK YOU!
- After detailing how much the Trump administration has slashed the number of refugees allowed to enter the country a year, John jokingly suggests that by 2020 it'll be reduced to one. The hypothetical lone refugee is a young Middle Eastern guy named Zaid. At which point, Trump's new slogan and message used at his rallies will be "Get Rid of Zaid".
- On the impeachment inquiry against Donald Trump (aka Stupid Watergate II)
- When showing a news clip discussing the reason for the impeachment inquiry, the call Trump made to the Ukrainian President asking him to investigate Joe Biden and his son Hunter, and said news clip reporting that Trump insisted eight times on the investigation during the call, John says that "the only time it makes sens to ask for the same thing eight times in a single phone call is if you're trying to connect with the customer service agent for AT&T!"John: BOOM! I got you, business daddy, I got you! You genuinely bad company!
- John notes how the show used to call Trump's Russia scandal "Stupid Watergate", which means that they had to look for a new name for this scandal. He notes that they considered "Stupid Watergate II: Look Who's Stupid Now (The Same Guy)", "S2pid Watergate", and "sTWOpid Watergate", before setting on "Stupid Watergate II: The Stupidest Watergate."
- When noting how Trump mentioned both Attorney General William Barr and Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani on the call, John notes how he mentioned "someone so involved in the government they should be nowhere near this kind of petty dirt" (Attorney General Barr) and "someone so involved in petty dirt they should be nowhere near the government" (Giuliani).
- When noting that the transcripts of the call were stored in a server destined to top secret information, John compares it with having a folder reading "Finance Records", while showing such a folder onscreen. A mouse arrow then appears closing in on the folder, to which John pleads not to click on it. It does, anyway, revealing that the folder contains pictures of hamsters in speedos.John: OK OK OK, here's what that is: Yes, you have found my collection of hamsters in little speedos; it's not a sex thing... I mean, that is a bit of a sex thing, but we don't have time— we don't have time to get into it!
- When discussing the President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky, John notes that he is a comedian who played the President of Ukraine in a sitcom. But John also mentions an old, less-known comedy routine of his in which he and another guy pretended to play the piano with their penises.John: Yep, he played the piano with his dick. And just spare a thought for the guy next to him who did that and somehow didn't get elected President of Ukraine! A few years later he's stuck playing dick music alone in an open mic in the basement of a Chinese restaurant; show business is cruel!
- The clip is brought back towards the end of the segment, when John is discussing how this scandal is different from previous ones Trump had in the sense that it was relatively easy to understand, comparing it with selling the White House or changing the national anthem to the song Zelensky was playing on the piano.John: That guy might be a key player in the impeachment of an American President! [with a blank expression on his face] What a fun time to be alive.
- The clip is brought back towards the end of the segment, when John is discussing how this scandal is different from previous ones Trump had in the sense that it was relatively easy to understand, comparing it with selling the White House or changing the national anthem to the song Zelensky was playing on the piano.
- When John mentions Rudy Giuliani, he once again mentions (much like he did on the episode dedicated to him) that he was once married to his second cousin.John: Now, is that point strictly relevant here? No, but I would argue that, like Giuliani and his first wife, it is not unrelated.
- John reports how during a phone call with a reporter, Giuliani was reported to say, "It is impossible that the whistleblower is the hero and I'm not. And I will be the hero!" (to which John responds with a sing-song-y "No-you-will-not-be"), before saying that the best case scenario for him is to become one of the participants of The Masked Singer.John: People will briefly not know that you are Rudy Giuliani, and you will nearly be the hero, but eventually you'll have to take your mask off, and then you'll be yourself again for the rest of your life, and it will be fucking terrible.
- John then states that one of the reasons Giuliani is working as Trump's lawyer is because he is going through a divorce, before noting that, according to one of his complaints, his estranged wife took the remote control with her, leaving him limited to using his iPads to watch TV.John: Because Rudy Giuliani, cybersecurity expert and Donald Trump's lawyer, is seemingly unaware that you can buy new remote controls at Best Buy!
- When showing a news clip discussing the reason for the impeachment inquiry, the call Trump made to the Ukrainian President asking him to investigate Joe Biden and his son Hunter, and said news clip reporting that Trump insisted eight times on the investigation during the call, John says that "the only time it makes sens to ask for the same thing eight times in a single phone call is if you're trying to connect with the customer service agent for AT&T!"
- During the story on compound pharmacies, John notes how these pharmacies will sometimes fill out fake customer prescriptions using the names of celebrities or fictional characters. So of course, this comes up again at the end of the episode, as John puts together a video message from some of those named by the pharmacies in such cases — David Schwimmer, Method Man, Jimmy Kimmel, RuPaul, Michael Bolton, Kristen Bell as Sarah Marshall, and Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer — taking the pharmacies to task.
- At one point, Sutherland gets really into character as Bauer, threatening to give the pharmacy executives his trademark, as the camera slowly zooms in on his face as the lighting darkens around him ominously. And then it smashes back to a freaked out Method Man.Method Man: Jesus Christ.
- In reaction to a point brought up during the story, that compound pharmacies are also used to make medicine for animals like parrots, Michael Bolton reveals that he loves parrots, and that "Can't Smile Without You" was written about a parrot that left him... for Method Man.David Schwimmer: (looking deeply confused) What the fuck?
- Jimmy Kimmel repeatedly claims that he's the best late night show host, and complains about how somebody keeps winning his Emmys.note
- At one point, Sutherland gets really into character as Bauer, threatening to give the pharmacy executives his trademark, as the camera slowly zooms in on his face as the lighting darkens around him ominously. And then it smashes back to a freaked out Method Man.
- On China's One Child Policy:
- John calls a Creepy Child from an old Chinese propganda video reminding people that having more than one child is against the law an effective way from disuading parents from doing so.John: Congratulations Mrs. Jeong, you gave birth to a healthy little agro narc!
- John's brief explanation of the gender disparity at the beginning of the segment is followed by a clip of "the most miserable place in China.", a village where lonely, single men sulk with nothing to do. The reporter's Brutally Honest description makes it funnier.
- A birthplanning worker (basically a spy within the work place watching out for potential pregnancies) at a factory is asked if her fellow female workers find her constant questioning about things like their periods and sex life intrusive and if it makes for resentment. The woman confidentaly says no and that the other women are grateful for her concern.John: If there's anything I know about women, and there definitely isn't, it's that they love to be asked detailed questions about their periods at work! Seriously, just go up to a collegue and say, "How do you like that diva cup girlfriend? Do you wear it with a period thong to prevent leakage? And how about that absorbant period toilet paper?
- Turns out the female writers who wrote the joke told John that one of those things isn't real, only they didn't tell him which one. He guesses it's the diva cup because it "sounds like what Mariah Carrey demands all of her beverages come in."note
- After showing a clip of a pickup agency training men how to pick-up women, including a man practicing magic tricks, John helpfully explains the trick:John: At the beginning, the hoop and the chain are separate, and by the end, any woman he's talking to has disappeared.
- The Running Gag of John stating that pandas are hideous, and the reason they're endangered is because they don't want to have sex with each other.
- One of the long term consequences of the one-child policy is a child obesity epidemic due to overindulgence of only children, leading to nicknames like "little meatball". John says it's mean to call a kid that if they don't like it while also gushing over a picture of a chubby little boy, using the same nickname affectionately.
- John calls a Creepy Child from an old Chinese propganda video reminding people that having more than one child is against the law an effective way from disuading parents from doing so.
- On Stupid Watergate II update:
- John describes Stupid Watergate II as "the least wanted sequel ever, closely followed by every Pirates of the Caribbean sequel."
- After testimony from United States ambassador to Ukraine Bill Taylor regarding the Trump-Ukraine scandal was described as "the most terrifying day in Congress", John says the last time described as that was the day Orrin Hatch got bangs.John: I respect you for trying something new, Orrin, but absolutely not.
- After it was reported that Trump's personal attorney Rudy Giuliani had butt-dialed a journalist, leading to the reveal that it was apparently a regular occurence (to the point one said "Everyone has a good Rudy butt dial story"), John wonders how one could butt dial someone on a smartphone, since it would require to unlock the phone, scroll through their contacts and then dial.
- On the Brexit deadline extension:
- John describes Brexit as standing for "Bad idea, Really bad idea, EXtremely bad Idea, and Toodle-doo!"
- John notes that the deadline was initially set for October 31, on Halloween. Demonstrating good memory, John considers it the worst thing to be added to Halloween since Playboy in 2014 released a "Sexy John Oliver" costume.John: What were you thinking, Playboy?! The original John Oliver is already the sexy one! You're putting a hat on a hat, guys! It's a two-hat situation right there!
- Made more hilarious in that, just as the uproarious laughter from the audience from showing the model in costume was dying down, someone in the audience did a wolf whistle, which reignited the laughter.
- When UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson said that he would rather be "dead in a ditch" than to ask for a deadline extension for Brexit, John shows a picture of him in unflattering street clothes,◊ saying that his hair, wardrobe and general aesthetic already could be best described as "Big Ditch Energy."
- When it's reported that Johnson eventually had to do an extension request, but did so by sending a note for an extension request that was unsigned, while sending a note saying the exact opposite that was signed, John ends up going on a tangent about signatures.John: How are signatures still a thing that matters anyway? We live in an time where actual robots exist, but if you want to make something official you need to write your own name weird. "Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client's name is on the murder confession, but I ask you this: Is it wiggly?"
- John then shows a clip of a MP that showed that the MP hadn't read the withdrawal agreement bill that was up for vote, comparing it with how *NSYNC not reading their contract before signing it led to their manager stealing millions of dollars from them.John: But honestly, deal aside, they should have known not to trust him; I mean, look at that guy, [shows a picture of the manager with the band, and does a close-up to him] if anyone is gonna rip you off, ♪ it's gonna be him! ♪
- On Voting Machines:John: Voting. Among other things, it's the only way to get Sean Spicer off Dancing with the Stars. So far, he's danced the red wedding, the "Woody from Toy Story after his third divorce", and this... (clip of Spicer in a green shirt dancing with his partner and into a sliding finish) ...Cool. He is dressed, and dancing there, like the Chernobyl Musketeer. Please, America, vote this man out of everyone's misery.
- On SLAPP Suits:
- John points out how Bob Murray's lawyers wrote HBO a threatening note about how getting a lawsuit from him would result in the company being "in for the fight of its existence." John takes a moment to assure the audience that as long as HBO is sitting on the Game of Thrones IP, the company will probably be fine. No sooner has he said this before a brief Thousand-Yard Stare wanders across his face.
- John mentions that Murray attempted to get a gag order forced on HBO, which would have prevented them from rebroadcasting the episode or even having it online. John reassures the audience that the piece is "still on the internet, big time" and links through to http://Stillontheinternetbigtime.com
- When Murray brought the case up to the West Virginia Supreme Court, John realises that one of the judges was Justice Allen Loughry, who the show previously discussed:(cuts to an old segment playing Allen Loughry's campaign ad)Loughry: Hi, I'm Allen Loughry and I'm running for our Supreme Court. It's Loughry as in Law and Free. (words "Law & Free" appear on the screen) This is my house, come on in!Loughry: There's the kitchen, something smells good! (an image of chocolate chip cookies appears)Loughry: In my family room, my wife Kallie Loughry and my son Justus Loughry (word "Justice" appears, then changes to "Justus") Yes, Justus Loughry.Justus: Yes sir!(cuts back to John)Past John: (in a Texan accent) Yep! I call my son "Justus", I call my dog "Preamble" and I call my penis "the Gavel"! Vote for me! (mimes banging a gavel) Boom! Boom!(cuts back to the present)John: Oopsie! I mean, as far as things to say about a judge before he makes a ruling on your case goes, claiming he calls his penis "the Gavel" is maybe not the best choice! Even though, look at him, he clearly does.
- At the end of the segment, John breaks out into a musical number about all the horrible things that Bob Murray couldn't have possibly done in order to tell him in so many words to go fuck himself without allowing him to legally sue them. Midway through the song an HBO lawyer (played by Brian d'Arcy James) comes in and makes John stop... ...so he can have a verse all to himself.Lawyer: See ya in court fuckface!
- All the outlandish claims made about Bob Murray by John and all the other back up singers and dancers in the musical, including that he started World War I, masturbates to Schindler's List, breaks into people's homes to ejaculate in their Wheaties, is the Zodiac killer, and, as elaborated on in step-by-step detail by the above-mentioned lawyer, shoved candy up his asshole in the M&M store and tried to make people eat it. Mr. Nutter Butter also returns, this time singing in a barbershop quartet about how Bob Murray fucks squirrels. John then brags about how Bob cannot sue them because the claims are too weird to be considered slander and are all jokes.John: If we discuss Bob Murray in a way that no reasonable person could construe as factual, then we can say whatever the fuck we like!
- All this is even better when one imagines John pitching the musical number to HBO's executives.
- A Stupid Watergate II update:
- John describes it this time as the sequel that could only get worse if it added Jar Jar Binks. He then claims that Jar Jar Binks is scheduled to testify before Congress next Thursday.
- John notes that Trump supporters have several excuses for the scandal, starting with arguing that nothing happened (complete with Laura Ingraham saying with a straight face "Attempted bribery isn't in the Constitution!"). John sees a problem with that.John: If you tried to blow up an airliner and your vest doesn't go off, you don't get to go "Well, no harm, no foul" and then sit there watching Detective Pikachu for the rest of the flight!
- John notes that the next argument is that it happened, but it was totally fine, showing one Republican county chair that alleges that, saying "Do we want Trump not to be Trump?" John in indignant.John: Yes! Yes! So badly! I want Trump not to be Trump more than anything else in the world right now! I would take any kind of Freaky Friday situation! I would honestly be happy if he switched bodies with a racoon; and honestly, Trump probably would too, he wouldn't have to deal with the impeachment inquiry and he'll get to keep his all-trash diet; it's a win-win!
- John then shows that another argument is that it's too boring to care about.Stuart Varney: I mean, with Richard Nixon, there was a break-in; with Bill Clinton, there was sex in the Oval Office, with Trump, it's a phone call, to Ukraine. What the devil is that all about?
John: Oh, I'm so sorry this gigantic abuse of power isn't sexy enough for you, stupid. Although, I will say, if robbery and sex are what you want, the Russia scandal had hacked emails and Trump did pay $130,000 to a porn star; do either of those scandals turn your crank, Stu? Pick the Trump scandal you prefer, the beauty is: there's one for everyone!
- Finally, John states that there's people who argue that it's too complicated for people to understand, showing a Fox News contributor who claims to not even know what quid pro quo means or what language it is from, to which Steve Doocy has to tell him it's Latin.John: Yes, yes it is Latin. And the only thing there more shocking than the stupidity is that watching someone be accurately corrected by Steve Doocy! A man whose business card reads, and this is true: "An Idiot."
- The Census:
- In the beginning of the segment, John calls the census the only reasonable excuse to let strangers into your home, unless they have candy.
- The show runs an ad from the 80s encouraging people to take part in the census with a very nice song which John compliments. ("Of course, it's no "Eat Shit Bob") but then he snarks about the giant, creepy Mickey Mouse in the ad snorting cocaine.John: That's a fact! A Disney fact!
- The Disney Fact becomes a running gag throughout the episode.
- Trump is vehemently opposed against the census and makes wild and false claims about the questions that it asks, including the number of toilets you have in your house. A perplexed John replies nobody asks that, but the answer should be four toilets for everyone, "One for pees, one for poops, one for guests, and one for groups."
- John explains how the census asks simple questions, such as your name and the name, number, and relation of the other household members, including babies, which is shown in a 1940s training video of a woman answering those same questions to the census worker visiting her house. The normal video becomes unintentionally, hilariously creepy when the topic of babies comes up, and John and the audience are horrified by the woman's answer.Census worker: Are there any babies in the house?Mrs. McGee: (cheerfully) No, not anymore!John: What kind of a weird fucking answer is that?! I'm calling it right now, that woman ate her baby!
- Another video of a census worker visiting someone's house comes up, only the man answering is extremely hostile to her, refusing to cooperate with her questions, recording the encounter and claiming that there have been cases of census workers coming into people's homes and raping and killing them, which the census worker takes with a calm and collected demeanor. John comes to the woman's defense.John: Two key things there. One, that census worker seems like a real nice lady who has never killed anyone, and two, you are being so obnoxious that I would understand if she was tempted to break that streak.
- In the end, John encourages fellow Americans to take part in the upcoming census if not for the country, then just to annoy Trump, adding in to even throw in the number of toilets you have to piss him off some more.
- "Chiijohn" is full of these:
- John misses his friends in Japan, and tries to contact them with a bottled message because it's a more reliable method than calling them on AT&T.
- To deliver his message, John heads to the docks. He uses all of his physical strength to throw the bottle as far as he can... the camera follows the bottle as it hits the water 2-3 meters from John.
- Upon receiving the message, Chiijohn and Shinjo-kun feel sad for John. He had AT&T.
- They pack their stuff and head to a nearby fish shop to say their goodbye to the local fish. The fish respond "we're dead" but wish them luck regardless.
- In the plane, some poor Japanese man gets the middle seat between Chiijohn and Shinjo-kun. According to the voiceover, it's not the first time he's gotten stuck between two giant otters on a flight.
- In New York, the two search for John. After some hijinks, a man on a comedy club they found agrees to lead them to "TV's best late show host". The two find themselves on the set of Late Night with Seth Meyers, and figure out Seth Meyers is too funny and handsome to be John.
- On the aftermath of the Trump impeachment trial and his interference in the sentencing of Roger Stone.
- John opens the season by talking about the biggest news stories during the hiatus, ending with "what happens when an obvious criminal socipath is accused of abusing his power, yet somehow holds onto his office by sailing through a sham investigation"... and then reveals that he's talking about how sports mascot Gritty was being cleared of assault charges after being accused of punching a teenage fan. Then he brings up Trump's impeachment trial.
- When John was discussing Gritty's case in itself, he takes exception of the reporter describing Gritty's eyes as "googly."John: For start, I'm not sure that "googly" is the best way to describe Gritty's eyes at all. Deeply psychotic? Sure! Two swelling vortexes of horniness and rage? Better! A pair of haunted nipples floating on a plate of milk and surrounded by a nest of orangutan pubes? Now we're getting somewhere; now we're describing this monster's eyes.
- John is not reassured by Maine Senator Susan Collins saying that Trump has learned his lesson from the impeachment.John: Of course he hasn't learned his lesson! Trump never learns his lesson! This is the man whose first-born child was Donald Trump Jr., and he kept having children! There is no lesson-learning capacity in the man!
- When discussing Trump ally Roger Stone being found guilty on various charges only for the Justice Department to overturn the ruling for half-assed reasons after Trump complained about it, John calls out how Stone is obviously guilty by bringing up his infamous fashion sense:John: ... and also, look at him! I know you shouldn't profile people based on how they look, but Look! At! Him! [each word punctuated by a picture of Stone in outlandish clothes] Look at him! His dress code is "Business scoundrel"! He looks like the mannequin at a department store for Dick Tracy villains! He looks like a guy whose day planning just says "Frame Roger Rabbit"! Look at him!
- John shows several clips from pro-Trump pundits defending his medding into Stone's trial, ending with one saying that the Justice Department works for the President and is part of the Executive Branch. John sarcastically agrees with him, leading to a convoluted story about what would it look like if a group of DOJ officials had to take orders directly from Trump.John: Oh, he's right of course! Everyone at the Justice Department works for the President. When he says "Jump", they should say "How high?"; when he says "Lock her up, they should say "How long?"; when he says "Get me Flubber", they should say "From the movie?"; when he says "Yes!", they should say "Okay?"; when he says "Where's that Flubber I asked for?", they should say "We're working on it!"; When he says "I need it now", they should say "Okay, here it is!"; when he says "Is this lettuce?", they should say, "No, that's Flubber"; when he says "It's not dancing", they should say "It's probably just tired!"; when he says "Go away so my Flubber can sleep", they should say "It would be an honor"; and then everyone in the Justice Department should line up and kiss the Flubber goodnight because dammit, they're part of the Executive Branch, they work for him!
- John notes that Trump's remarks about the case resulted in Attorey General William Barr saying that Trump should stop tweeting about DOJ cases, which was perceived by most of the media as a riff between Trump and the AG, but John said that he had "a sickening feeling" that Laura Ingraham was the one who actually got it right when she said that Barr actually was basically telling Trump "I got this." All of this leads into a hell of a punchline.John: To borrow a phrase used almost exclusively by white supremacists: Laura Ingraham is right.
- On Medicare For All:
- John describing a Fox News anchorwomannote as "Sarah Palin's fourth attempt at cloning herself" and "Tina Fey doing her best Dr. Evil impression."
- John discusses how health insurance company PEHP started sending their clients to Tijuana, Mexico, to buy their drugs in exchange for $500.John: That's fucking crazy! Giving you $500 to go to Mexico to buy drugs is not what your insurance provider should be doing. It's what your sketchy friend Meredith should be doing, cause she wants to make Brianna's bachelorette party (squeaky female voice) a total rager! I'd go myself but I have outstanding warrants...
- After discussing the issue of wait times, John remarks that no one likes waiting in line for anything, and when faced with one in Trader Joe's, people would either abandon their cart or pull the fire alarm and sneak out with their groceries undetected.John: I'm not saying I ever done that, I'm just saying (pulls out a grocery bag, crowd cheers) I had a show to do tonight and who wants some peanut butter pretzels? (flings package to the crowd)
- As John discusses how Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg's proposal, "Medicare For All Who Want It", doesn't actually address the problems that exist within the American healthcare system:John: That's kind of like being offered either a shit sandwich or a slightly smaller shit sandwich with guac. I mean, I guess I'll take the second one if you're asking, but honestly, the lack of guac wasn't really my main fucking concern.
- On Michael Bloomberg's presidential campaign:
- John is pretty freaked out by one pundit's explanation of why people would vote for Bloomberg:Pundit: They like dating Pete [Buttigieg], they like dating Amy [Klobuchar], but they like the guy who can take them to the prom in the the best-looking gown, the best-looking dress, and the biggest flowers, and that's Mike Bloomberg.
John: What are you talking about? That is such a creepy thing to say. Although, just for the record, nobody is hoping that Mike Bloomberg will take them to the prom. Now, I do get why you might confuse him with a prom date, though; he's painfully awkward, looks uncomfortable in a suit, and he's a virgin. I know, I know he technically has two daughters, but that doesn't change the fact that Michael Bloomberg has big virgin energy.
- When John discusses how much money Bloomberg has spent on advertising for his campaign, he says that at this point the viewer will probably have seen one already. Just as he says that, a pop-up ad for Bloomberg appears onscreen. Made more hilarious John shrieking "WHAT THE FUCK?!" when he notices it and shoos it away with a rolled paper, at which point the ad grows legs and runs away.
- John is clearly at a loss for words when he sees that one ad for Bloomberg consists simply of Bloomberg asking "Where's my ice cream?", and after being handed a pint and awkwardly taking a scoop out of it, saying "Big Gay ice cream is the best."John: ...Okay?
- John then notes that Bloomberg's campaign has been paying meme-generating Instagram accounts to make memes for his campaign, including one named "shitheadsteve." John then acts as if shitheadsteve was a bastion of journalism and is now tainted for him.
- When John discusses Bloomberg's controversial stop-and-frisk policy as Mayor of New York City, he notes that he may be not the best person to do it.John: People of color don't need their experience validated by somebody like me, who, let's face it, is so white he looks like the ghost of a stork who died of a milk overdose while listening to Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! I know what I am!
- John is pretty freaked out by one pundit's explanation of why people would vote for Bloomberg:
- On Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi:
- The segment on Modi starts with John saying that India just narrowly beats out the United States where a twenty-minute lecture in a British accent is the least welcome.
- John taking the opportunity to give Trump "The Reason You Suck" Speech when he mentions Modi being the Father of India:John: Yeah, thats not so bad. You remember what a father is, right? Its a guy who brings the family together by giving them lots of money but never emotional validation. Sure, that means the remainder of your life is a series of grasping quests for recognition and unconditional love from everyone around you. And if anyone doesnt love you enough, you hate them and want them to die in prison. But living this kind of life is kind of like being in a very nice boat, making friends think youre the best and anyone who doesnt think that is a small hole in your boat and it lets the water in, and eventually you sink below the waves, and theres nothing left but you drowning in a silent, screaming, abyss that your father bestows you as your gruesome birth-right
- When talking about how Modi's supporters are dedicated enough to wear masks of him at his rallies, John begs his audience to never do that in his show, accompanied by a graphic depicting that, since that is one of his literal nightmares.
- John notes that Modi's election in 2014 was one of the subjects of the show's very first episode, and then complains that Modi has aged much better since then than he has.John: If this is the result of someone slowly poisoning me... please do it faster.
- A clip at one of the recent New Delhi riots where some protestors even torched buses.John: Burnt out buses generally aren't a sign that people aren't happy with you. They're a gesture that says, "You suck so hard I don't even care how I get home."
- After a clip of a Hindu nationalist favorably speaking of how Hitler preserved the "purity" of his people, John states that the only thing Hitler should be praised for is killing himself, complete with a graphic of John giving a thumbs up and reading "Great job, Hitler!". John then asks that the viewer not take that image out of context.
- On Coronavirus:
- John starts by mentioning that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said that the virus spreading to the U.S. was "not a matter of 'if' but 'when'". John says that "not a matter of 'if' but 'when'" is not a comforting thing to hear about the spread of a deadly virus, saying that it's only conforting regarding things such as "whether Saoirse Ronan will win an Oscar, or whether Henry Kissinger will ever die."
- When John lists many questions on the way one could get coronavirus, which includes gargling with bleach and eating Chinese food.John: Of course you can't get the coronavirus from eating Chinese food. In fact, if you're eating at a Panda Express, you can't even get Chinese food from eating Chinese food. Although I will say this: you are unlikely to get the coronavirus if you regularly gargle bleach, because you know what they say, being dead is already the best medicine.
- After John notes that journalist Chuck Todd considered that the virus's disease having a 2% mortality rate wasn't severe, and telling an anecdote about telling it to his son:John: Okay, so, first, on behalf of your teenager: "Dad, get out of my room and stop telling me the news!" But second, 2% of people is a lot when you're talking about those people dying. Think about it this way: Two percent of people disappearing was literally the premise of The Leftovers. You know, the show whose pilot very much did not consist of Justin Theroux going "Well, that was rough, but to be honest, could have been worse" and then the show ended.
- When showing a news clip about how loudspeakers were installed in Wuhan (from where the outbreak started) notifying of the city's lockdown.John: Holy shit. A talking box that tells you you can't leave your house feels pretty dystopian. To be honest, I prefer our dystopia where a talking box listens to all our conversations and then tells Jeff Bezos when I'll need underwear next. It's such a convenient way to give up everything.
- When John lists the many ways countries around the world made campaigns to stop the spread of the virus, he highlights Vietnam doing a song about hand-washing that is incredibly catchy, even becoming a TikTok challenge.John: Vietnam made a song about washing your hands to prevent coronavirus infection and it absolutely slaps! That's a genuine club banger right there! [...] It makes all other songs about washing yourself look like trash, and I'm talking to you here, Ernie. Look, you're been on top of the pile for a long time, but you got complacient, didn't ya, and while other artists were out there innovating, you kept singing the same old ducky song. You lost the hunger, son! You fell asleep on the wheel and music moved on without ya!
- When doing an update about the episode about Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, John reveals that in India, streaming service Hotstar didn't carry the episode. John then adds that Hotstar has a history of censoring episodes, in particular those featuring jokes about Disney, due to Hotstar actually being owned by Disney, such as removing a joke in the episode about the U.S. census that Mickey Mouse was a cocaine addict (calling it a "Disney Fact"), and one in the episode about China's One-Child Policy that Donald Duck's penis is shaped like a corkscrew (which in particular annoyed John, since in real life duck do have corkscrew-shaped penises). He then states that, in virtue of the authority he considers him having played Zazu gives him, he's going to make "Disney Fact" a Running Gag.John: If I say that Cogsworth collects Nazi memorabilia, guess what? That's canon, baby! That's a Disney fucking Fact right there! And for the foreseable future Hotstar, you'll look forward to learning a lot more of them on this show, 'cause we're gonna slide them down into our stories like Chip 'n Dale slid into Richard Gere. That's a Disney Fact, motherfuckers!!!
- On Coronavirus III:
- When discussing hair dressers being unnecessary right now, he said your hair will look bad, but you'll get through it.John: Trust me. (shows a picture of himself with bad hair) Trust me. (shows another) ...TRUST me. (shows a high school pic with another bad haircut)
- After Trump remarks that the Coronavirus is a "different kind of a war":
- John shares a clip of the Governor of Kentucky chastising people in his state not taking social distancing seriously enough, even throwing so-called "coronavirus parties". After agreeing with the stupidity of this, John then calls attention to the Governor's sign language interpreter, who upon hearing the phrase "coronavirus parties" pauses in the translating to give what John calls "the perfect WTF face". He then asks that someone gif that woman's expression immediately.
- Since social distancing prevents John from doing his grandiose, budget-wasting displays, John decides he needs another way to waste HBO's money. To that end, he somehow found his way to the Gallery 33 televised art auction in 1992, which at the time was selling, among other thing, erotic art of anthropomorphized rats by Brian Swords of York. Fixating on a specific piece sold for $80, he offers $1,000 to the current owner so he can hang it on his wall for future broadcasts, plus $20,000 to that person's local food bank.
- A couple weeks later, John revisited the subject, showing a few other artworks along similar lines people had sent to him (including a depiction of Oliver as "a hot rat") before leading into the announcement that he had tracked down and purchased the piece he wanted:
- John: Look... is this what America needs most right now? No, of course it isn't! America needs a vaccine, more ventilators, a different President, and also would just like a quick break. But you know what would be nice in the meantime? A victory!
- When discussing hair dressers being unnecessary right now, he said your hair will look bad, but you'll get through it.
- On One America News Network:
- The "And Now This" segment is about all the news people working from home over telecom asking each other if they're wearing pants. At the end of the episode, once John signs off but leaves the camera running, he gets up and reveals that he's not wearing pants.
- A nice Call-Back to the "trust me" from the previous episode, talking about how one of OANN's news hosts got a haircut in an act of "defiance", and John saying you'll survive if you have bad hair on TV...John: Trust me. (shows a picture of himself with bad hair) Trust me. (shows another) Hey! Look at me. Trust me. (shows another)
- John reveals that OAN reporter Chanel Rion runs a word-of-the-day website, Wordeby's, focusing on erudite, obscure words such as "Metanoia", "Orphic" and "Backpfeifengesicht", the last of which he frequently mispronounces. John describes the website's About page as fanfaronade and at the end of the video, disparages OAN with more words.John: This website is so handy!
- John shows a tweet by OAN's network account, lambasting Trump for neglecting to mention them in his thank-you speech to his supporters in the media.John: They slip from fawning praise to sullen fury if people stop complimenting them for a single second, although when you put it like that, you do kind of get what OAN and the President see in each other.
- On Coronavirus IV:
- The perils of working from home: John has no idea what a news reporter was talking about because a cat was sitting on a mantlepiece in the background and licking its asshole.
- John is of the opinion that the Amazon logo looks like a circumcised penis.
- On Coronavirus V:
- John commenting that Rush Limbaugh has "millions of listeners, a Presidential Medal of Freedom and almost certainly a room in his basement that his housekeeper is not allowed to go into."
- John shows clip of Sean Hannity discussing that baseball stadiums be open, miming how he'll eat a hot dog (complete with a stupid sound effect) and drink his beer.John: Anecdotally, I know a guy who ate a hot dog once and didn't get Coronavirus so that absolutely checks out.
- John comparing Limbaugh's gold microphone to C3PO's penis.
- When noting that Trump parroted Steve Hilton's "cure is worse than the disease", John wonders why Trump can't parrot other shows the next day:John: If he's gonna do that, the very least he could do is pick a better show than Steve Hilton's The Next Revolution. Why not go with Below Deck: Sailing Yacht? That way, we get to hear the President the United States tell us about how Adam the chef is a tease and how Madison needs to understand her role in the interior pecking order and start listening to her chief Stu because Jenna does not need to take her shit. Yes, it wouldn't be helpful during a pandemic, but al least it wouldn't be actively harmful!
- On Wendy Williams: In a clip, Wendy calls for her cats, Chitchat and Myway:John: Now look! There's nothing surprising with cats not coming when they're called. After all, you've never seen any cats on this show and I have 28 of them. Watch. Milkdud! Domino! Gaster! Jefferson! Opus! Stanley! Clown Car! Becky! Allison! Deborah! Gus! Gus 2! Gus 3 - The Final Gus! Gus 4 - A New Begussaning! Daniel Craig the Cat! Gumdrop! Mr Prettywhiskers! Bluebell! Amelia! Reginald! Strawberry! Floopynummybutterkins! John Jr! Stripey! Noodles! Dikatbe Mutombo! Dikatbe Catombo! FRANK! (beat) See?
- John plays an audio clip of a toilet being flushed during oral arguments to the Supreme Court. John criticizes this, so naturally it happens to him. He then yells to his son that they are strictly to poop on Tuesdays.
- John paraphrasing Bill Barr:John: History is a lie we tell ourselves when we fall asleep at night, the world is nothing but formless chaos and there is no truth but that which that the strong impose upon the weak.
- John describing Peter Hagel's suit as "the carcass of an American flag that he murdered".
- The smiling mail lady who interrupts Tik Tok videos, including an "interspecies orgy" (two cows licking a cat).
- The "stuck on stamps!" retro '90s ad.John: First: That song can get it. And also, kudos on featuring all the stamps that kids love, from those slammin' dino stamps to the dank "get well" stamp with irises, and my personal favorite: The one that simply says "lace-making". And I think I speak for cool kids everywhere when I say there's simply nothing doper than a totally bitchin' lei stamp; I'm just worried it might be too cool.
- John noting that you can't download medicine from the internet. Although, you can download The Medicine by Jeremy Renner... "but, and this is very important: You shouldn't do that."
- John having bought a "The Grass is Greener Under My Weiner" rock from Kansas and visibly struggling to pick it up and put it down. The rock makes loud "thunks" when being placed back onto where ever it was resting on.(the second time) Jesus Christ!
- Cats: With videos of cats watching Last Week Tonight spreading around the internet, John did a special Cat Week Tonight skit, ending with a parody of his Doomsday video, with Michael Sheen just saying the word "Cats" over clips of cats.
- Voting By Mail: His off-topic rant about HBO Max:
- John: What is it?? Does anyone actually know? How do I get it? I'm on it and I don't know! And why is it so purple? It's like I'm watching television from inside Grimace's asshole, and not in a good way.
- Coronavirus VIII: Prisons & Jails:
- When discussing cramped prison cells:John: It's hard to practice social distancing when you live in what's basically a closet with two beds and a toilet. In fact I'd argue you can't practice most things under those circumstances apart from games like, "let's try not to accidentally hug each other" and "who can poop the quietest". And incidentally, the correct answer to that last question is Blake Lively; she poops the quietest. That is simply a fact.
- Bringing up Balloon Boy:John: Remember when Balloon Boy was the craziest story you had to worry about? 2009 truly was a simpler time to be alive.
- John gleefully explaining what a K-Pop stan is, and how they used fancams (for the uninitiated, just a mix of edited videos of your favorite celebrity with music playing over it) to troll the hell out of white supremacists. He's also confused, but delighted to announce that there is at least one fancam of him. With precisely one like.John: I don't know what the correct number of likes is for a video of my face and body, but I will say that one feels a little high.
- When discussing cramped prison cells: