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- The stingers, which usually involve an out-of-context line from the episode:
Cotton: Well, I suppose...... SUCKER PUNCH! Note
- "Yankee Hankee":
Hank: Rock on!
- "New Cowboy on the Block":
Kahn: Yes hello, rock on.
Bobby: Man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg.
- "Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whatcha Gonna Do":
Toenail: BAM! Now THAT'S what I call general haberdashery! Note
- "Traffic Jam":
Hank: I never get brunch... Note
- "Return to La Grunta":
Hank: No, no, no, heh, no, heh.... NO. Note
- "It's Not Easy Being Green":
Hank: I'm doin' it! I'm a mooner!
- "Hank and the Great Glass Elevator":
- "A Firefighting We Will Go":
Cotton: Pump jockey!
- "Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men":
Hank: I am not -
Cotton: Works for tips! Note
Hank: It's time to rock. Note
- "Hank Gets Dusted":
Bobby: I don't think I'm ready for this yet!! Note
- "The Wedding of Bobby Hill":
Dale: Did you just say "Go, Mom"? Note
- "Naked Ambition":
Bobby: Dad! The raccoons are back!
- "The Man Who Shot Cane Skreetburg":
Young Boomhauer: Dang ol' boo, man.
Bobby: All sloppy and no Joe. Note
- "Death And Texas":
Dale: Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane? Nope, didn't think so! Hahaha! Note
- "Dog Dale Afternoon":
Peggy: Do you want to be in charge?
- "Aisle 8A"
Hank: No. Note
Dale: You are so clueless! Note
- "Sleight Of Hank":
Bill: Why do you keep calling me Bill? Note
- "Pretty, Pretty Dresses":
Bobby: I said "Good day", sheriff! Note
- "High Anxiety":
Hank: Alabaster! Note
- "Ho Yeah":
Dale: (ding) Cookies! Note
- "Tankin' It To The Streets":
Hank: Oh my God, it's so juicy! (Bobby screams) Note
- "Spin The Choice":
Bobby: Here ki-ki-ki-ki. Note
- "Racist Dawg":
Bill: Just move your paw- (screams) Note
- "Dances With Dogs":
Hank: He had a crushed pelvis.
- "Queasy Rider":
Bobby: AND A CAPE! Note
Cotton: WHAT THE-You made a boooowwwwl? Note
- "An Officer and a Gentle Boy"
Professor Lerner: You'll get tired of this long before I do! *THUD!* Note
- The Arrowhead (Continuing the scene from before the credits)
- The Son That Got Away
Dale: Truth... or dare?
- Movin' On Up
Hank: Ugh... Note
Bobby: Who? Who in the media tricked you? (Given the 20th Century Fox Television logo follows, the line being out of context provides some funny irony) Note
- Transnational Amusements Presents: Peggy's Magic Sex Feet
Kahn: FAT WHITE LUMP!! Note
- Father of the Bribe
Bill Mmm hmm, eh...Heyyyy! Note
- Torch Song Hillogy
Peggy: IT'S FOR THE FREAKING CHILDREN!!! Note
- Board Games
Artist: Washington, Hitler! Washington, Hitler! Note
- Ceci N'Est Pas Une King of the Hill
General Gum: Drag and drop!
- Pour Some Sugar on Kahn
Kahn: But I...
General Gum: Drag and drop! Note
Donna: Who wants to get kicked in the ding-dong?
- Lost in MySpace
Hank: Is it so wrong to be beautiful?
- Bwah My Nose
Hank: About your outfit, Bill... No.
- Bad News Bill
Hotel Clerk: The cologne has displeased you.
- Returning Japanese (Part 1) note
Luanne: Summon your amazing strength! Note
- Luanne Gets Lucky
Joseph: *cackles madly* Note
- Three Men And A Bastard note
Hank: Boy, that cheese. Mmm! Note
- Goodbye Normal Jeans:
Bobby: To The Flowers of Time!
- Chasing Bobby:
Hank: Dang it, I'm out of clean socks! Agh! Dang it!
- The Incredible Hank:
Hank: Oh God, I need a hair net!
- Hank's Bad Hair Day:
Rich: That's what SHE said- about Joe Jack.
- That's What She Said:
Buck: Daaaa! Note
John Redcorn: Pe-he-ggy... Hill. Note
- "Peggy's Headache":
Hank: Uh, busy! Occupied! Note
- "Next of Shin":
"Do not YANK!" Note
- "Uncool Customer":
Minh: Yip diddly oten doten, oo-wacka-wacka choten. Note
- "The Minh Who Knew Too Much":
Bum: Ha-ba-hey. Note
- "Blood and Sauce":
Gorilla: No agony, no brag-ony! Note
- "Bill, Bulk and the Body Buddies":
Hank: "Pee pee money" is NOT an employment history. Note
- "Life: A Loser's Manual":
Bill: God told me to come here tonight. Note
- "The Passion of the Dauterive":
- "The Honeymooners":Kahn: No no no no nooooo!!!... Why you hate me? Note
- From the first episode:
Hank: (sighs) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy... my only son. But... oh, it's hard.
- The first time you see Joseph.
- When Peggy is defending Hank to the Children's Aid worker.Social Worker: Would you say your husband has a temper?
Peggy: Who, Hank? No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb.
[Hank throws open the door and storms in]
Hank: God dangit!! No more bouncing that ball!!
[grabs baseball Bobby is throwing at the wall and throws it out the door, almost hitting the social worker]
Peggy: Hank, we have a visitor.
- After Bobby lets Hank believe that they're still under investigation by child protective services.
Peggy: Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only... Bobby didn't tell us.
Hank: I'LL KILL HIM!
- Also, the pilot has brought us this gem:Hank: What you listening to, son?
Bobby: I don't think you'll like it.
Hank: Well, why not? I like this new generation of music.
[Hank puts on Bobby's headphones.]
Headphone Noise: (phone ringing) Hell-oooooo! (elongated farting)
Hank: Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds! Where'd you record this?
Bobby: I got it from the mall. It's The Funny Phone Jerks.
Hank: Let me tell you, Bobby. There's nothing funny about these sounds. What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder.
- After Dale expresses his Conspiracy Theorist opinion on global warming: "Dale, you giblet head! We live in Texas. It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter I'm gonna kick your ass!"
- Dale suggests the noise Hank has been hearing is "silent UN helicopters"."As you can tell, they're still working out the bugs."
- Dale suggests the noise Hank has been hearing is "silent UN helicopters".
- "Square Peg":
Peggy: Bobby, honey. What do you know about sexual relations?
- Peggy's attempt to explain sex to Bobby is a spectacular failure:
Bobby: I don't know. Nothing much. I'm a little worried about being a slut.
Peggy: ...Well, Bobby, your father and I decided that as your parents that you and I should have a little talk on the subject. You have noticed, I am sure, that there are some pretty big differences between boys and girls. (Beat) I'm sure you know that. I mean, physically, boys are, well, they're different. (Beat) They have something that girls do not have.
Peggy: You know, something...
Bobby: You mean, a penis?
(Peggy stares blankly for a few seconds and then leaves the room)
Hank (answering the phone): Hello?
- From that same episode:
Harsh Voice: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live and if you teach that sex-ed class so help me I...
Dale: Oh, Hank. Is Peggy there?
Hank: Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
Peggy: Yello, Dale.
Dale (harsh voice): You don't know who I am...
Peggy (on answering machine): Hello. You have reached the Hill residence. Please leave a message at the tone.
- And here it is with Yugi and Seto Kaiba.
- And in The Stinger, Dale leaves a message on Hank and Peggy's machine (after Peggy taught one class, which only Bobby attended because no one else had a permission slip):
Dale (harsh voice): You don't know who I am but I know where you live Sex-Ed teacher, and you'd better cut it out if you know what's good for you. (normal voice) Oh, and Hank. We changed the tee-off time to three o'olock. See ya.
Bill: Just think. You'll be married to a woman who knows everything about sex. I've never been with a woman like that. Except, of course, a bargirl. Of course, I don't mean that Peggy's a bargirl or nothing like that. She just knows, you know what a bargirl... knows.
- This brilliant bit of Digging Yourself Deeper:
(Hank jabs Bill in the stomach with his tree trimmer)
Dooley: Hey Bobby, your mom's gonna teach sex-ed.
- This exchange:
Bobby: I know.
Dooley: ...We're gonna get to see her boobs. (moments later, to another kid) Your dad lost his job.
- "Order of the Straight Arrow":
Hank: A-ha! That was a test! Joseph, give Mr. Dauterive a bite of your silence stick. Remember, kids, you never know when you're gonna be tested. Now, who else is hungry?
- Hank and Bill devise a "24 hours of silence" test for the boys; any talking means the boys hand their "silence stick" (Slim Jims) to Hank and/or Bill, with five bites and they're out. At one point during the drive to the campsite, Bill tells Hank he's hungry. Hank pretends to fall asleep at the wheel- naturally Joseph speaks up.
Kids: I am.
Hank: Shut up, I'm talkin' here!
- When they get to the campsite, Hank temporarily lifts the 24 hours of silence, and the kids chatter what a relief it is.
Dale: There were only five of those left in the world. [Beat] Welp, four now!
- After Bobby accidentally kills an endangered whooping crane It was actually just knocked out:
Bill: Then we should be thankful we got the opportunity to see one.
- When Dale tries to leave, most likely to make an anonymous tip to the authorities, he gets bound and gagged. The next morning, a forest ranger asks if they saw the whooping crane and mentions he was in the Straight Arrow when he was a kid. Then Dale hops out of his tent, bound and gagged.Ranger: Ah. I see the Order hasn't changed a bit since my day.
- The ranger asks Boomhauer, who reveals everything in his Motor Mouth speech pattern.Ranger: Well if you see anything, let me know.
- "Luanne's Saga": The guys go to a bar to find Luanne a new boyfriend with Dale deciding to look for a guy with a nice, muscular butt. Later on, he's seen in the bathroom urnial with another man and he checks him out, saying "You seem like a regular guy." Cue his WTF expression.
- Hank's Imagine Spot of all the boys Luanne has dated: Buckley (who does donuts on his moped), a crazed tattoo artist who draws on his own skin, and a bald punk in a Black Flag shirt who bangs his head against a tree.
- "Hank's Got the Willies": Bobby's impression of Hank: "Ah sell pro-pane and pro-pane accessories, Ah tell you hwut. Shut up, Dale!"
Boomhauer: Yeah mayn, I tell you hwhat mayn, that dang ol' Internet mayn. You just go on there'n point'n click, get in there, talkin' 'bout "W-W-W-dot-W-com" 'n you got them'n that naked chicks on there mayn. You go "click-clickclickclickclickclick", it's real easy mayn.
- From the same episode, when Dale mentions a black helicopter conspiracy Usenet board:
Willie: Hey, you look familiar. Aren't you the kid who rakes my lawn?
- Another exchange, where Bobby tries to sort things out with Willie Nelson after he hit him in the head while golfing.
Bobby: No sir, I'm the one who hit you in the head.
Willie: With a rake?
Bobby: With a golf club.
Willie: You've been raking my lawn with a golf club? I want my quarter back.
- "Outta my way, rooster boy."
- The cutaway gag where Hank is over at Jason Adderly's house and opens what he thinks is a bathroom door but it's Jason's son, Howard's, bedroom instead. Hank screams at the sight of Howard: A pale, nearly hairless, wheezing, skinny boy who is on the computer in the dark. Overlaps with nightmare fuel because, well, he is pretty freaky looking.
- In "Hank's Unmentionable Problem", Hank has to deal with constipation for over several days by going on a low-fat fiber diet. When he was shown the poster of a acupuncturist who sticks needles and sets fire on them to relieve stress, we get this gem.Hank: Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass!
Hank: Maybe I'm not the one who should be embarrassed. Did you ever think of that? Maybe you're going a little too much. Once every four or five days gives me more free time. You want to spend all your time on the toilet, be my guest.
- Eventually he tries it out, cue Brick Joke when he literally kicks the guy's butt for doing that to him despite Hank going there on his free will and aware of the procedure! Even if it is Disproportionate Retribution, Hank really means it that he'll kick ass on even mundane reasons.
- Special mention goes to Peggy's Dream Sequence, where Hank dies of polio, Cotton flushes him down to Hell, and Peggy forgets her Algebra homework.
- Hank's Insane Troll Logic when he defends his constipation to the guys:
- "Westie Side Story": This exchange:Kahn: (after Hank offers him some propane for his barbeque) Are you kidding? I cook with Mesquite. Give meat nice taste of wood.
Hank: And I cook with propane. Gives meat nice taste of meat.
- "Shins of the Father": Dooley, to Bobby: "This party's boring. Everybody hates you."
Hank: This is my new neighbor.
- Cotton Hill's introduction to Kahn Souphanousinphone:
Dale: He's Japanese.
Cotton: [after a second] No he ain't. He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
[Kahn, who tried telling his new neighbors he was from Laos when he met them, looks plainly shocked]
Cotton: Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.
- Cotton asks Bobby what he's going to do for a living. Bobby answers he wants to be a prop comic and is working on a routine where he stuffs green beans up his nose. At that moment, Hank enters:
Peggy: I do not want that ill-mannered foul-mouthed old man to spend another moment in my house.
- Hank's odd metaphor:
Hank: You just don't understand him. See, he's a big, flamboyant character, like a peacock. That's why men love him. But women don't like his style, because you all are like the pea-hen. More subdued and drab.
Hank: Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay. That means you're outvoted.
- And what immediately follows:
Peggy: Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too. That means we're even.
Hank: Well, Jesus loves him. So I win.
Peggy: (grumbles) What does that have to do with...
Didi: Well, maybe we should think about getting back, honey.
- This Bait-and-Switch moment, after Luanne fixes Cotton's car so he can leave:
Cotton: (seemingly irate) What did you say? WHAT did you say?! (clears his ears) Okay, now, what did you say, baby cakes?
- In "Peggy the Boggle Champ", Hank trying to coach Peggy, who's crying because she lost:Hank: You know, coach used to say something to fire us up when we're behind.
Peggy: Yeah, what?
Hank: Loser! You're a loser! Are you feeling sorry for yourself?! Well, you should be, because you are dirt! You make me sick, you big baby! Baby want a bottle? A big dirt bottle?!
Peggy: (still crying) Why are you yelling at me?
[holds up uninjured hand] "AAAAAAAH!!! I AIN'T GOT NO FINGERS!!!"
- Boomhauer riding the virtual mower, and trying to clear a virtual jam.
- Plastic White Female: Bobby at school: "Yo, Sharise, you stone cold fox, what up?"
Hank: What a bitch.
- After getting fed up with Bobby using Luanne's test model head to practice talking with girls, Hank slices it in half and completely forgets Luanne needed the head for her test. He can only reply with a sheepish smile...and gets forced to be Luanne's test model head in her test the next day. She at first gets an "F" by her Jerkass instructor for not bringing the real deal, until Hank shows the teacher what she did right and what she did wrong on his haircut.
- At the end of the episode, Bobby plays spin the bottle in the basement at Joseph's party and spins the bottle for last. Joseph's parents enter, they argue about whether to stop the kids from playing or not, the bottle comes to a halt and lands on Nancy...and a determined Bobby lunges at her to kiss her, ending with a crude shot of him flying towards a terrified Nancy.
- "Texas City Twister", the climax, with Hank vs. the tornado. He miraculously survives the tornado by holding onto a telephone pole with all his might, but the downside is that the force of the tornado ripped off all his clothes. The episode ends with Luanne teasing Hank about it as Hank resolves to forget the incident ever happened.
- Earlier, Hank and his friends try to straighten out a trailer home that's been turned on its side. In the first attempt, they hook it up to the winch, but accidentally reel the truck to the hook, with Hank's truck ending up on the now completely upside down trailer. Next, they put a few planks so that the truck can drive straight off. It works, thus flipping the trailer over. But while Boomhauer is giving a thumbs-up from the cab of the truck, he crashes into another trailer, which promptly rolls over. The four guys get up and drive away.
- "The Arrowhead":
Woman: That's right, they're breasts. Big deal!
- Hank visits an archaeology professor at the local college to see what an arrowhead is worth. He runs into a woman wearing a shirt with writing on it. Naturally, Hank looks at her shirt to read it, and is given the My Eyes Are Up Here treatment:
- Hank's yard is being torn up by same Jerkass archaeology professor hunting for Native American artifacts. When Hank complains, Bill compares it to the depredations suffered by the Natives and sheds a single tear...and then crumples up his beer can and throws it on the groundnote .
- At the end of that same episode, the Jerkass archaeologist smugly declares that he probably could have scored Peggy for the price of a fake bracelet. Hank grabs him by the shirt and throws him into the pit they've dug in his lawn. The archaeologist tries climbing out, but Hank shoves him back in. After three of these, he remarks "Okay, so you've proven that you're stronger than me..."; this time, Peggy shoves him in. Fade to the credits as he tries to save face by claiming "I WANT you to push me in!", followed by Bobby saying "Okay" and the sound of him hitting ground again. And then during The Stinger we hear "You know, you'll get tired of this long before I do." *THUD!*
- In "Hilloween", Luanne becomes convinced that Halloween is satanic and this ensues (after Harper stops Hank from having a haunted house at school and Peggy suggests they do a garage haunted house):Luanne: Nuh-uh, Uncle Hank, you could go to hell. See, Judy Harper says that haunted houses are the Devil's mousetrap, and fun is the cheese.Hank: Luanne, just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'!
Dale: I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist peddling influence... Who wants candy?
- "I knew the risks when I put on the uniform."
- "Check it out man, don't need no dang ol' costume, man. Hadda put onna dang ol' mime, man. Looksit like I'm tryin' get outta this dang ol' box, man. See- WHOA! Gonn' play tugga war, man."
Bill: Here comes the ghost! (*rip!*) Oh...TOGA!
- When Hank leads a march to the "Hell House" to confront Harper, Bill joins the crowd dressed as a Bedsheet Ghost, but the sheet gets caught on his foot and ripped. He improvises.
- Husky Bobby": Hank breaking up Bobby's photo shoot.Hank: Cut! That's it! Go home, everybody. None of this ever happened.
Peggy: Hank, what are you doing?
Hank: I'm not doing anything. I'm not even here. None of us are. Let's go.
(minutes later, in the car)
Luanne: You don't even know what I was gonna say.
Bobby: It's not fair. I've been looking forward to this fashion show for hours. I wanna be a part of history. Please?
Hank: Bobby, there are times when a father knows best, and this is one of those times.
Luanne: My hair is caught in the door.
Hank: Relax, it's nothing I haven't seen before. (looks at one kid and grimaces) Ugh...
- When Hank goes backstage at the junior fashion show, all the kids scream because they're in the middle of changing.
- "The Man Who Shot Cane Skreetburg": "I've got a sense of humor; I laugh at Tony Danza... I laugh at Tony Danza, I laugh at Tony Danza, I laugh at Tony Danza..."
Hank: Lucky for you, I don't have time for this right now! Come on, Bobby. Let's go to the Fun Center!
- Cane and his band play over Hank's objections:
Cane: (singing, badly) FUN CENTER! FUN CENTER! FUN CENTER! FUN CENTER!
(cut to a bit later, when everyone arrives at the Fun Center)
Bobby: Fun Center! Fun Center! Fun Center! Fun Center!
Bill: I need a cold one.
- This moment after the guys' humiliating paintball defeat, which has inspired a couple YTPs:
Hank: You want a cold one? (hands out beers to the guys) Here's a cold one for ya. Here's a cold one for ya. Here's a cold one for ya. I hope you're all happy. There's no cold ones left for me.
Dale: Open up your eyes, man. You're holding a beer.
Hank: You call this beer? "Guatemalica"?!
Hank: Rematch. Tomorrow. Noon. If you've got any guts, you'll be there.
- Hank and the guys challenge Cane to a paintball rematch.
Cane: Sorry, pops. My car broke down.
(flashes forward to a bit later, after Hank has fixed Cane's car)
Hank: Rematch. Tomorrow. Noon. If you've got any guts, you'll be there.
- "The Son That Got Away": Two moments that reference "Weird Al" Yankovic:Bobby: I just sang a song parody, Dad. Like Weird Al Yankovich.
Hank: Bobby, Al Yankovich blew his brains out in the late '80s after people stopped buying his records.
(later in the episode, when Bobby, Joseph, and Connie are lost in the caves):Bobby: I'm gonna grow up without anyone to love and die friendless and alone, like Weird Al Yankovich!
Hank: Give me that! (grabs the whistle, and places it on a tall cabinet on his way out the door)
- During the parent-teacher conference, the music teacher keeps blowing a whistle to try to break up Hank and Kahn's verbal fight. Hank gets annoyed at the whistle:
Bobby: What were you eating under there?
- When Bobby and Joseph are riding their bikes home after being stuck in the cave:
Joseph: Under where?
Bobby: (singsong) You were eating underwear!
- "Bobby Slam": The scene where Hank has Bobby under a pile of wet carpet.Hank: Explode! Explode, boy! Come on, Bobby! Light the fuse! You're a keg of dynamite! That's it, boy! You got him where you want him! (Bobby's still struggling under the carpets) Time to really explode! Keg of dynamite!
- "Meet the Manger Babies": Hank's stilted laugh as God: "Ha ha ha ha, hahahaha!"
Hank: (quietly) Darn it! I left a finish nail sticking out a quarter inch. [...] Yeah, but it reflects poorly on my craftsmanship. That's all I'm saying.
- "For those of you who missed my sermon this morning, I'd like to remind you that spilling anything on a new carpet is a sin."
- Hank obsessing over the loose nail on the puppet show box.
Peggy: You're the only one who notices.
(three guys next to them comment on the poor craftsmanship, prompting Hank to kick the nail DURING Luanne's show)
Bobby: If you're God, I guess that makes me Jesus.
- After Luanne makes Hank God in her next show:
Peggy: Bobby, honey, you really shouldn't say that. That is for Luanne to decide.
- (Hank turning on the puppet show lights) "Let there be light. And it was good."
- "Snow Job": The owner of a mom n' pop convenience store lets Hank go without paying the change on a sale. Cue this gem of an exchange:Ma: Now I know why they call you "pa", cause you're "pa"-thetic!
Pa: And I know why they call you "ma", cause you're always riding "ma" ass!
- "Three Days of the Kahndo": The Hills go to Mexico. During their stay, Peggy is given a mysterious package to deliver, Luanne buys some dubiously legal turtle-based makeup, and Bobby attempts to blow up a firecracker against a mascot statue. Later, in their hotel room, some police knock on their door. Everyone panics, assuming themselves to be in trouble.Peggy: [attempting to force the package down the toilet] No one makes a fool out of Peggy Hill!
Luanne: Quick, we all have to put on makeup! [hands Bobby lipstick and starts applying blush to herself]
Bobby: [sobbing] This tastes like turtles.
(Meanwhile, Dale sneaks out through the window)
Hank: We have nothing to hide.
- Hank finally drags everyone together to answer the door. The police are greeted by a group of four, three of whom are either soaking wet or messily covered in makeup.
Dale: (falls off roof and past window in background, screaming)
Hank: Pretty good, Kahn. I've never heard that song sung with only one note before.
- When Kahn sang "She Blinded Me With Science" at a mariachi trio to drive them away.
Kahn: Yah. It all about the rhythm.
Officer: Where are you guys headed?
- With their passports and driver's licenses temporarily revoked, Hank, Dale, and Kahn are stuck in Mexico. Dale concocts a plan to just drive through the border checkpoint anyway, thinking that they'll be waved through since they're white Note . The plan falls apart immediately.
Dale: (voice cracking) Arlen.
Officer: I've been to Arlen. Nice town.
Dale: (to Hank) RUN!!!
(Dale bolts out of the car and back into Mexico; Kahn jumps out of the trunk and follows. Hank chuckles nervously before running away as well)
- "Traffic Jam": Hank gets Booda Sack a job at Strickland Propane, and finally starts to lighten up with the ribbing. But Booda takes it too far by making fun of propane:Booda: It's been so long since your mama's last bath, that her hairy armpits smell like propane gas.
Hank: Now, excuse me. Hold on there, fella. A joke's a joke, but now you've gone too far. Propane has no natural odor. What you smell was actually put there by man for safety purposes.
- "Hank's Dirty Laundry": Hank is accused of renting and never returning a (porn) movie that he has never even heard of before, which leads to this conversation:Hank: I told you I didn't rent the tape! Now, who's calling me a liar? You or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!
Video Store Employee: I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
Hank: Fine! [examining computer] ...Now, where's the ass on this thing?
Hank: Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs and Collars?
- In the same scene:
Bobby: Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late 'cause he's dead, but not really.
Hank: So, you've seen it?
Bobby: (deadpan) No.
Bill: I'm glad I'm not the only one who's disgusted by pornography. It's offensive. It's demeaning! It creates a standard of idealized beauty that your average man can't compete with.
- The Bait-and-Switch moment when you think Bill's talking about women, not men:
- Peggy walking in on Hank struggling to get his pen to work while watching a porno for research, and from her angle it looks like he's jacking off. She gasps in shock and bolts.
- The Running Gag of Bobby thinking that everything Hank and Peggy are doing is preparation for a surprise birthday party. Just one example: He comes home seeing Hank struggling to remove a huge pile of porno tapes and products from his lawn and thinks they're his presents.
- "The Final Shinsult": Luanne getting the news report about Santa Ana's leg wrong:Luanne: Aunt Peg, uncle Hank, I just heard on the news. There's a Santa Claus exhibit at the museum and someone stole his leg!
- "Leanne's Saga": The Bait-and-Switch gag where a burly woman appears at the Hill's, except it's not Leanne, just a friend who drove her there in her semi.
Leanne: I am so sorry for all the grief I caused you when I was drinkin'. I am walkin' with the Lord now, and I know I have found his forgiveness. I just hope I will find yours, someday.
- This line when Leanne first visits the Hills: "Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course, if somebody turned on a fire hose, it would all be ruined."
- This exchange:
Hank: (getting up from his chair) Well, we'll let you know.
Hank: So, do you have a job?
- In light of Leanne coming to their house, Hank makes a signal (touching two fingers to his forehead) for Bobby to run to Dale's house and stay there until he says it's safe to return. He uses the signal almost immediately:
Leanne: No. And Lu-lu said the trailer's wrecked, so I guess I'm currently un-residented... (gives Hank a "pretty please" look)
(long pause as neither Hank or Peggy say anything)
Bobby: ...Why don't you stay here?
Hank: Bobby. (touches his forehead with two fingers; Bobby runs out)
Hank: Dang it. At this rate, my new workbench is never gonna get used.
- Bill revealing that he and Leanne had sex in his garage:
Bill: Oh, it got used last night. Right after we took a little ride on your mower.
(Hank lets out a disgusted groan)
- "Junkie Business": Hank's hilariously un-P.C. interview question: "We're all Christians here. How about you?" He rewords it in a not-so-subtle fashion at the actual interview:Hank: If you could eat at Luly's with one of the following, would it be, A: Jesus, B: Mohammed, C: Golda Meir.
Man: Uh, I, I don't eat at Luly's. They use lard.
(Hank subtly throws his application in the trash)
Peggy: Women are nothing to be afraid of. Just give her a hug. Just put your arms around her like this.
- Hank is reluctant to hire a qualified but beautiful woman.
Hank: I don't know, Peg. What if she gets her cheek up against mine, like this? (does so)
Peggy: Hmm. Well, in that case, you can just start to struggle politely, like this. (does so)
(after a Beat, the two make passionate love. Later, Peggy is sound asleep... pan to Hank, who is wide awake, disturbed how quickly that escalated)
(the next day, at Strickland Propane)
Hank: I'll keep your resume "on file", Ms. Montalvo. (throws her resume in the trash)
Peggy: You hired a drug addict instead of that beautiful chicana? My God, Hank, how badly did you want that woman?
- Hank in denial about Leon:
Hank: Now, just hold on here. Leon's credentials are top-notch, even if they are from the nonprofit sector. "Six months at Helping Hands Institute. One year at Covenant Place."
Peggy: Those are detox centers.
Hank: Centers? No, look right here! "Institute." "Place."
Luanne: Uncle Hank, you're in denial.
Bobby: Yeah, dad. You're what Too Tall Jones called "a codependent enabler."
Hank: Well, Leon does do a lot of vomiting, even for a new employee.
Hank: Customer. Jason, can you get that?
- Leon foaming at the mouth and giggling in front of an elderly customer.
- The Strickland Propane employees take advantage of the Americans With Disabilities act after Hank's new employee Leon is required to stay on despite using drugs:
Jason: Sorry, Hank, I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. If I get out of this chair, Garth Brooks is gonna die.
Hank: Joe Jack, can you get that customer?
Joe Jack: (on the phone, laughing) Much too angry, honey.
Hank: Melinda, a little help, please?
Melinda: Ugh, too bloated.
Hank: Oh, heck, I'll do it myself.
Peggy: What the hey is going on here?
Hank: It's Leon. Now all my employees want in on that damn Americans With Disabilities Act.
Peggy: (offended) She shushed me!
Hank: Debbie's got the yuppie flu, and Hector claims he has something called "priapism". He wants a roomier work station and a view of Debbie.
- "Life in the Fast Lane: Bobby's Saga": When Hank and Bobby arrive at the race track:Hank: Well, Bobby, what do you think?
Bobby: (rubbing the velvet rope) The rope is soft and pretty.
Hank: (sighs) look at the pace car, Bobby.
- Hank kicking Jimmy Wichard's ass. Really nice to know that kicking somebody's ass is more than just an empty threat or a catchphrase with Hank.
- Most of "Peggy's Turtle Song," but especially any scene with Bobby on ADD medication (The last part of the line doubles as the episode's stinger).Bobby: There's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad... and there it goes.
Luanne: (giggling) Welcome home. I cooked you brunch and I tuned your car and I fixed your mower and I ate the brunch.
- The ending to the episode deserves special mention - after a stressed-out Luanne takes one of Bobby's ADD pills, Hank, Peggy and Bobby return home to find a hyperactive Luanne trimming the bushes outside their home into various shapes. The zany music in the background completes the scene.
Hank: I don't like the idea of puttin' my boy on drugs. Isn't there some kind of operation?
- Hank shuddering while Peggy's practicing her turtle song.
- Hank, finding out Bobby supposedly has ADD at the doctor's office:
Doctor: Your only other option is to send him to the special school across town. He'll have to wear a uniform. Can he button his own shirt?
Hank: ...You bastards.
Hank: Now, I know we've talked a lot about how you should never do drugs, but from now on you'll be taking medication after every meal.
- When Hank first tells Bobby that he'll be taking ADD medication:
Bobby: So, do I smoke it or snort it or what?
Hank: It's a pill, Bobby.
Bobby: So, I guess I'll just pop it then.
Hank: You will not "pop" it. You will place it in your mouth.
Bobby: (circling the pill around his head) Round and round and round it goes, when he eats it, nobody knows. (seemingly eats it, but then produces it from behind Hank's ear like a magic trick) Well, what have we here?
- Then a scene later, when Bobby's about to take the first pill:
Hank: (annoyed) Just pop the pill, Bobby.
- "Propane Boom":Woman on TV': Because feeling fresh is important to a woman.
Hank: Take your damn batteries back. Take 'em back. Bastards! I don't want 'em. You can have 'em. Boy, you get a lot of batteries for $4.
- Hank throwing batteries at Megalo Mart in anger of being laid off from Strickland Propane:
Hank: Peggy's landed some extra work as a notary public.
- This moment:
Bill: You got yourself a good man there, Hank.
Hank: Uh... what did you just say, Bill?
(Bill tries to climb over a fence but can't quite make it)
Bobby: (quizzing her) Propane is, A) Flammable, B) Non-flammable, C) All of the above.
- Luanne is studying to become a propane salesperson at Megalo Mart:
Luanne: Hmm... well, you can't eat propane, so...
Hank: (sighs) For God's sakes, it's flammable!
Luanne: I could have gotten that!
Hank: You would've NEVER gotten that!
Luanne: UNCLE HANK!!!
(Hank throws a sandwich he just made at her)
Boomhauer: Dang, ol', Megalo Mart, talkin', 'bout, dang, ol', dang, then, it, boom!
- Boomhauer calling 911. His trademark Motor Mouth shtick is deconstructed in that, when told to slow down, he says the exact same words:
- From "Death of a Propane Salesman":Dooley: (to Bobby) Your dad got blown up.
Buck: Oh, didn't think I'd see you here. Guilty conscience, huh?
- Also when Dale is trying to pitch a conspiracy theory to the investigators poking through the rubble of the Mega-Lo-Mart. The investigator calmly rebuffs his theories while doing his job and offers a sane, thought out rebuttal. Then Dale hits him with the conspiracy theorist's Catchphrase.Dale: Sure, that's just what they want you to think.
Investigator: Sir? We are "they".
Dale screams and runs off.
- Black comedy in a way, but at the start of the episode, straight after Luanne's reaction to losing her hair, one of the firemen rescue Chuck Mangione from the rubble of the Mega-Lo-Mart. His hat's smouldering and he's clinging onto his flugelhorn for dear life with a look of total shock on his face. What he says sells the scene.Chuck: I don't feel so good...
- Luanne's classmates make her a wig ("Sorry for your loss, you had beautiful hair"). She refuses to wear it. Bobby picks it up and tries it on; Hank quickly yanks it off his head.
- At Buckley's funeral:
Hank: Why would I have a guilty conscience? I did not blow up the Megalo Mart.
Buck: Oh good, I'm glad you said that, Hank. I'm wearin' a wire for an unrelated matter.
Luanne: I guess y'all expect me to cry for Buckley, but I am not, because there are a lot more important things to cry about. (shows a giant picture of Bobby in his underwear reaching for a snack in the kitchen) This is a picture of what a hungry Irish child looks like. FIGHT THE OCCUPATION! FIGHT THE OCC-U-PA-TION!
- Chuck Mangione inserting "Feels So Good" into "Taps" at the funeral.
- Luanne's "eulogy" at Buckley's funeral:
Dale: Gobbets of meat from the sky. (licks it) Doesn't taste like Buckley. (looks up suspiciously)
- Hank is going through PTSD regarding the propane explosion and now is terrified of even lighting his propane grill. He ends up throwing the steaks meant for the grill over his fence and using the incredibly lame excuse: "Aw dang, I lost the steaks." Cue Dale (who isn't convinced Buckley actually died) examining the meat:
Hank: Stop it! Can't you hear the hissing? It's propane! This room's gonna blow! (runs out)
- Hank has to attend group therapy for PTSD. At one point, he panics:
(the "hissing" is merely Chuck Mangione emptying his trumpet's spit valve)
- Also when Dale is trying to pitch a conspiracy theory to the investigators poking through the rubble of the Mega-Lo-Mart. The investigator calmly rebuffs his theories while doing his job and offers a sane, thought out rebuttal. Then Dale hits him with the conspiracy theorist's Catchphrase.
- "And They Call it Bobby Love": Bobby is going on about his new girlfriend, and Hank congratulates him... but then wants clarification:Hank: Bobby has a girlfriend? All right, son. (Beat) She's real, right? I mean, she's not imaginary or on a cereal box or anything, is she?
Hank: (pleased) All right.
Garbageman: All right, but if you leave it out, somebody's gonna haul it away.
- Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer take an abandoned couch and sit on it in the alley. The garbage men try to haul it away but Bill lays on it, preventing them from taking it. This leads to:
Dale: Go to Hell.
Hank: Uh, Bobby, I know it's not good when a girl breaks your heart. Uh, it's only natural to be sad. But the couch is a HAPPY place.
- Bobby is crying on the alley couch, preventing the guys from sitting on it. Hank speaks up:
- In "Peggy's Headache":Hank: Does it bother anyone that we've known for years what's goin' on with Nancy, and Dale doesn't?
Bill: Nancy's havin' an affair with John Redcorn?! This is the first I've heard of it! I am shocked, I mean I am shocked. That's what I mean, I am... appalled. [...] I don't believe it. I've known Dale and Nancy for years, and they have a fairy book marriage.
Hank: Ugh, shut up, Bill.
- "Pregnant Paws":
Peggy: This could be Ladybird's last heat. If you don't do something — and fast — she is gonna spend the rest of her life childless and lonely, sulking about the house in soiled underwear. Like Bill.
- This gem:
Hank: I met some men, we went to a bar, and before it all went horribly wrong, they told me a bunch of things I can do to get Ladybird pregnant. (taking Ladybird's temperature via ear) 100.4! She's ready for a stud!
- Hank's experience at a gay bar:
(Bobby looks up excitedly)
Peggy: (on the phone) Mom, can I stay with you for a few- oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Strickland.
- Hank put Buck Strickland on speed dial under the number for Peggy's mother. Later in the episode:
Instructor: All right, we don't have much time, so let's get right to it.
- Dale in the bounty hunter class:
(he puts in a tape, and the same instructor on the tape says: "All right, we don't have much time, so let's get right to it.")
- "Next of Shin": Hank is taking a really long time to produce a sperm sample for the doctor. The doc asks him if he'd like a magazine:Hank: Okay. Do you have "Popular Mechanics"?
Bartender: What'll ya have?
- Hank's shock when one of the Andrews Sisters impersonators is a guy in a dress and wig.
- Hank at a Vegas bar:
Bartender: I have Heine-
Hank: (cutting him off) American.
Cotton: Oh, Hank. You ain't in competition with me! Hell, if it's a contest on who's the better daddy, you win. I mean, you made Bobby! All I made was you.
- Cotton has a pretty good one when he admits to Hank that Hank is a better father than he was. Could be considered a Heartwarming Moment if it weren't quite possibly the greatest example of a backhanded compliment ever seen.
- "Peggy's Pageant Fever":
Bill: Peggy's going to win. She's every man's fantasy!
- Bill on Peggy entering the beauty pageant:
Hank: Okay, Bill, I'll take it from here.
Bill: I mean, she's got an A+ brain and an A- body, but if she wears one of them push-up brassieres-
Bill: (pause) ...She'll have a body that just won't quit.
Luanne: Mrs. Heimlich County let me try on her crown and sash. Did you know she could play the lap steel guitar and she only has 9% body fat, and it's all in her breasts?
- Luanne, to Peggy:
Buck: (over intercom) Debbie, did you finish writing up that check?
- The scene when Peggy and Luanne ask Buck to sponsor her in the beauty pageant. Buck initially thinks Luanne is the one entering and is more than willing to cut a check, but when Peggy reveals she's the one entering and Luanne is just tagging along because she's her hair stylist:
Debbie: Yes, Buck!
Buck: (disappointed) Oh sh... oh.
Hank: Oh, uh, and I'm done using my ratchet set, if you want to borrow it.
- To get in good with Nancy (one of the judges on the beauty pageant), Hank offers a plate of brownies to Dale. He sweetens the deal:
Dale: You mean, if I want to keep it?
Hank: Borrow it, Dale.
Dale: Just a little reminder, Hank: My wife is the judge of your wife's beauty pageant. Keep it?
Hank: Borrow it, or I'll step over this hedge and kick your ass.
Dale: Keep it- (Hank takes a step forward; Dale screams and drops the brownies as he runs away)
- This line from Peggy in the climax: "Helen, by chance, do you have any spare tape? My ass has come loose."
- In "Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men" Cotton and Hank attend a mower focus group the day after Thanksgiving dinner and Cotton keeps saying horrible, hilarious things about Hank's mom:Cotton: Your mower's obsolete Hank! When something gets old and tired you gotta trade up!
Hank: You mean like you traded in mother for Didi?
Cotton: I didn't trade your momma in, a trade-in has some value... I scrapped her!
Bill: Wait, are we voting for Hank's mom, or the mower?
- At the end of act two, the moderator asks who's in favor of the "new model". Everyone but Hank and Bill raise their hands, which pleases Hank because he thinks he's on his side about the mower:
Moderator: The mower.
Bill: (shoots his hand up) OH!
Boyce: Just because a baptism turns into a little drowning, everybody's gotta blame somebody.
- Former pastor Boyce Hubert in general.
Hank: Reverend Hubert-
Boyce: I didn't drown that boy!
Boyce: (to Hank) I'm not sure if there's a God, or a Heaven, but one thing I can tell you, your daddy's going to Hell.
- "Good Hill Hunting": "Did you get the batteries for Bobby's Game Boy and did you pack his back-up Game Boy?"
Hank: Don't get upset, now. I was just testing you. (pause) You passed.
- "Forget number six; you're now serving nonsense!"
- Bobby propping up a cardboard drawing of a deer, then using a cherry fruit pie as a substitute for blood as he "kills" it and screams "Hi-yaaaaaaa!!!"
- Hank, to Eustis: "You're taking that son of... yours... hunting?"
- When Hank finds the La Grunta hunting experience costs $400, he offers the miniatures museum instead.
Hank: You know, there's plenty of worse things than getting to hold onto your boyhood for another year. And, uh, by "holding onto your boyhood", I didn't mean...
- After Hank and Bobby leave La Grunta empty-handed:
- During "Pretty Pretty Dresses", after Bill fails an attempt at suicide and Hank tries to convince him that Lenore will never come back by crushing the presents Bill had for her, Bill loses his sanity and starts to crossdress as Lenore, leading to one of the best quotes in the series:Bill: (in a high voice) Why do you keep calling me (voice suddenly lowers) Bill? (voice goes up again) My name is Lenore.
Dale: I'm skeptical that you can, yet intrigued that you may.
- The ending, where Hank puts on a dress and pretends to be Lenore to bring Bill closure. After Bill tells "Lenore" to go away and Hank and Bill take of the dresses, Dale is in the background wearing a dress unnoticed, then runs off when he sees Hank and Bill aren't wearing dresses anymore.
- Same episode- Bill is still pretending to be Lenore, and asks if she should go get Bill. Dale's response?
Bill: I dreamt that Lenore came back and stole Lenore, and that Lenore drove off with Lenore and I ran down the street after them and I yelled, "Lenore! Lenore!" And then my teeth fell out.
- Bill gets an iguana and names it "Lenore". Naturally, this creates confusion:
Bill: (high-pitched voice) Yup.
- Bill, dressed as Lenore, stands with the guys in the alley as usual.
Hank: (fed up) All right, that's it. (leaves)
- "A Firefighting We Will Go": The entire episode.
Bill: Dauterive comma William Fontaine de la Tour comma sergeant barber comma United States-
- The set-up for the episode is that the guys are in trouble with the fire chief.
Hank: Comma numbskull comma shut up!
Dale: Yeah, let's see what it does with a real orange.
- "I'm a fireman! I'm a HUDJIBAH!"
- "The Jaws of Life, aka "the Jaws". Victim's trapped in a car, this baby'll peel it like an orange."
Hank: How'd I do?
- Hank practicing how fast he can get out of bed, put on his fireman's outfit, and run outside. He does so:
Bobby: (holding stopwatch) Aaaaaand... GO!
(Hank groans in annoyance)
Chet: Ain't you the idiot what blew up the Megalo Mart? I was supposed to take my vacation that week. Idiot.
- "Hank's a lumberjack, and he's okay."
- Hank introducing himself to veteran fireman Chet Elderson:
Dale: My name is Rusty Shackleford. I refuse to speak without my attorney. (stands up and removes his hat) My name is Rusty Shackleford. I am Mr. Shackleford's attorney. My client pleads insanity.
- This exchange when the chief tells them they might face charges:
Bill: My name is Dauterive, Bill. I am also insane.
Dale: (to Hank) Whatcha got under the foil, Mr. Party Pooper? Some... party poop?
- This bit:
Hank: Are you guys playing with that busted ball now?! Aaaagggghhh!!!
- The scene where Hank gets annoyed that Bill and Dale's ping pong match is interrupting his sleep. He goes downstairs and stomps the ping pong ball, and Bill retaliates by stomping his glasses. Boomhauer throws a hot Frito pie, which hits Bill in the face. Hank chases Bill upstairs ("My face hurts!" "Then it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!"), and Bill tries to escape by sliding down the fire pole but gets stuck in the hole. Hank goes back to bed, but hears the ping pong match continue between Dale and Boomhauer:
Heck: (solemnly) I got bad news, men... Chet Elderson died. Natural causes.
- The news that Chet Elderson died. That's not the funny part as much as the men's reactions.
Boomhauer: Oh.. bummer.
Hank: What a shame.
Dale: Very sad.
Bill: (cuts a loud fart)
Heck: (looking up and seeing Bill's ass sticking out from the fire pole area) Oh, for crying out loud!
Dale: Hey, tell you what, the dang ol' detector, man. Talkin' about government take away freedom of smoke, man. Tell you what, dang ol' yo, man... gih.
- The moment when all four of the guys fall into Chet's grave. While pantsing the man's corpse.
- Another part is where Boomhauer has to tell his version of a story that involves himself, Dale, Bill and Hank, with the other three all speaking like Boomhauer....while Boomhauer actually speaks normally and is understandable!
Hank: Hey, man, I'll tell you what, man that dang ol' boy ain't right, man. Talkin' 'bout gonna kick that dang ol' ass, man.
Boomhauer: For God's sake, Hank. Act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I'm trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros and I've been on the same dang page for 20 minutes.
Bill: Dang ol', pretty pretty pizza, I'll tell you what.
Luanne: Why don't you just admit to him that you hurt yourself picking up Bobby?
- The Running Gag of Peggy pulling her groin muscle from lifting Bobby.
Peggy: Oh honey, you've never been married.
- "To Spank With Love": The Cold Open, when Peggy catches a snake:Joseph: Your mom's as cool as most people's dads.
Bobby: It's like that book they took out of the school library: "I've Got Two Dads".
Hank: (off-camera) No, you don't.
Bobby: You've got to do something about mom. This whole "Paddlin' Peggy" shtick is really creepy. Joseph won't even come over anymore, 'cause he's having nightmares about that stupid paddle.
- The in-unison flinch that Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer make when Peggy slaps her paddle.
- Twice in the episode, an off-screen old man yells at Peggy, "Take off yer top!"
- The whole alley exchange at the start of act 3:
Dale: (to Hank) Did you hear that? My son is dreaming about getting spanked by your wife!
Bill: Well that's not so unusual.
Dale: You've got to get your woman in line.
Hank: Peggy's been kinda... hard to talk to lately.
Bill: Well, she's feeling powerful now, so her body is producing extra amounts of testosterone. I bet if Peggy wanted to, she could grow a mustache. (Hank glares at Bill) 'Course, I don't know why she'd want to.
Luanne: (excited) Guess who won best French manicure at the beauty academy today?
- During a tense dinner where nobody's talking, Luanne breaks the silence:
(no response. At the end of the scene...)
Luanne: All right, it was Sharona Johnson. It's not fair! She works really hard!
- In "Three Coaches and a Bobby":
Hank: Haven't you kids ever seen Rudy? A little fireplug of a "never say die" at Notre Dame? He died of cancer after the big game, I think.
- To inspire the team, Hank asks:
Hank: It's called "footballisgreatsoccerisdumb.com!"
- Coach Lucas asks Hank for his email address:
- "The Wedding of Bobby Hill" had two CMOFs, the first being when Bobby (who had recently switched Luanne's birth control pills with candy in their escallating prank war) exclaimed to Hank in horror, "Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!" (she wasn't, though) and then when Hank decides to teach Bobby and Luanne a lesson about pranking tells Bobby that he now has to marry Luanne, and sets up a fake wedding in the backyard. Kahn sees this from his side of the fence and says ever so merrily, "Mihn, it's finally happened! Hillbilly neighbor marry trailer trash cousin! You owe me five dollars! In your face!"Luanne: Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!
Hank: (off-screen) Bobby, you cut that out!
Dale: Couldn't help hearing the bubbles. Mind if I... join?
- There's also the moment when Hank and Peggy are in the outdoor hot tub, and Dale approaches:
(drops his robe, wearing nothing but a speedo)
Peggy: Oh dear Lord.
Hank: Get the HELL out of here, Dale.
- "Sleight of Hank": Hank telling the guys about the magic trick:Hank: Any theories?
Dale: You're asking me if I have theories?!
Hank: About the magic trick, Dale.
Dale: Oh. Not a clue. Ah! It's done with twins! One Peggy in the pinata, one Peggy in the audience.
Bill: Another woman who looks like Peggy? Smells like Peggy? Feels like-
Hank: My wife does not have a twin.
Dale: You don't know that for sure and you never will. They destroyed the proof when they blew up one of the Peggys.
Peggy: Okay, now what?
- Hank keeps trying to get Peggy to tell him how the magic trick was done. In one instance, he tells Peggy to get in a box. He nails it shut:
Hank: Now you tell me how that trick was done.
Hank: You're not getting out until you tell me.
Hank: I can wait.
Bobby: (comes in the garage) Mom, dad, we're gonna be late for church.
Peggy: (from inside the box) I'll be right there, honey.
(Hank sighs in defeat and takes the nails out)
Hank: The boy's twelve years old. What does he need clouds on the wall for? And they don't even look like clouds. They look like...
- Hank and Peggy's fight, which treads that fine line between serious and funny:
Peggy: What, Hank? What do they look like?
Hank: Well, like, like big white blotches of bad painting.
Peggy: Well, maybe to someone with absolutely no imagination. I see all sorts of things.
Hank: Well, if you ask me, you've got too much imagination. Everything's all loop-de-loops and flibbertigibbet. I live in the real world, where men sell propane and propane accessories. What do you do?
Peggy: I trade in ideas. i am a substitute teacher and a professional muser.
Hank: Yeah? Well, ideas don't put food on the table.
Peggy: Oh, really? Oh, really? Well, ideas decide how to prepare that food.
Hank: And then propane cooks it. I win.
- "John Vitti Presents: Return to La Grunta"
Supervisor: The golfers are cheap. They think, 'cause I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be Miss Merry Sunshine. Well, the hell with that.
- Luanne on her first day on the job:
Luanne: I had no idea you were a woman.
Dale: Looks like you're goin' golfing.
- Hank tries to mollify Luanne about rejecting the dolphin encounter she bought him while not actually saying he'll enjoy it.Hank: Well, hey, Luanne, you know what? I've never climbed into a pool with a big fish. Maybe this "dolphin confrontation" would be somethin' I'd be glad I had done after it was over.
- Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer see Hank leaving the house with his golf clubs:
Hank: Yeah, looks like.
Dale: Didn't know dolphins knew how to play golf. (the trio laugh)
Hank: (puts the golf clubs back in the garage now that the jig is up) Shut up, Dale.
Woman Narrator: (in Irish accent) I dive into the gentle sea to free the dolphin inside of me.
- Hank's reaction to the "A Dream of Dolphins" video.
Hank: (shudders) Buh...
Dale: I haven't made fun of you for going to the hotel yet.
- After the "attack":Hank: Luanne, you and I have a secret that we must take to our graves.
Luanne: Are you threatening to kill me, Uncle Hank?
Hank: Of course not.
- On a fishing trip:
Hank: How long are you going to beat this into the ground? The hotel is history. I thought I could have a morning without hearing about the dolphin, but I guess not. So what's your damn dolphin joke?
Dale: ...Now you've ruined it.
Hank: I don't know what I'm going to do, but it starts with not lying about what happened. It's the dolphin who ought to be ashamed of himself.
- The moment when Peggy slinks towards Hank on the bed, and all Hank can hear is dolphin chirps. He retracts with a frightened "Bwaaaaahaaaahaaaa!"
- Hank tells Peggy what happened:Hank: You know I've never said this about anything before, but... it feels good to talk about it.
Peggy: That's good, Hank. Come on, just let it all out. It is so horrible. I mean that creature swimming at you with that hungry look, waving his... I mean, does he even have a...
Hank: It's a mammal, Peggy.
Peggy: Oh, well, then of course he would. I'm sorry. He is a mammal and would have mammalian organs. Roughly in proportion to body size, I'm guessing?
Hank: UH, that's enough talkin' about it, for now...
Peggy: Whatever feels best. This is all so disorienting, it's hard not to... I mean, did he know where to go?
- Hank coming clean to Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer:
(Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer burst out laughing)
Luanne: Can I send the video to When Animals Attack now?
- The ending:
Hank: I don't think so.
Luanne: We could split the money.
Hank: That's not necessary.
Luanne: I can have it all?
Hank: Luanne, give me the tape.
Luanne: I already sent it in, I thought you'd say yes.
- "Love Hurts, and So Does Art", when Hank assumes that people are looking at a picture of himself in high school and not a picture of his colon:Peggy: Wonder what they're all staring at.
Hank: Probably the best running back Arlen High has ever known.
Peggy: That's what I was staring at the whole ride here.
Hank: (chuckles; modestly) Well, you know...
Bobby: Guess what the school nurse got for me today? I'll give ya a hint. (rings Rascal's bell)
- The moment when Dale says "Look at me! I'm Hank Hill and I just passed wind!", followed by Kahn of all people kicking him in the butt.
- Bobby rides up to Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer on a Rascal scooter.
Artist: (as he's led out by the guards) You realize you will never have another avant-garde art exhibit in this state.
- Hank is able to get his colon taken down by citing that it's against the law in Texas to defame beef.
Guard: We'll get by.
- "Hank's Cowboy Movie":
Hank: We'll go to get autographs, and Troy Aikman'll toss the ball around with you, and I wish I could've had Dandy Don Meredith or Roger Staubach throwing me passes when I was your age. Even Craig Morton would've been all right. (pause) I love you, Bobby.
- This moment:
Bobby: (surprised) What?
Hank: Uh, nothing. Hey, look at that bird.
Editor: Hank, I'm the best UHF editor in Texas, but I can't work miracles.
- While visiting the Dallas Cowboys training camp, Hank and Bobby check out the Strickland Propane Wichita Falls branch. The guys working there are jackasses who hate Texas, and start singing the Oklahoma Sooners' fight song while Hank tries to plug his ears and drown them out with the Cowboys' song.
- Hank decides to make the promo video all by himself. When he takes it to an editor:
- "Dog Dale Afternoon": Dale's paranoid about anyone touching his new mower, and hooks the mower up to a homemade security system that shoots someone that touches it with a BB. It goes off one night and Dale finds John Redcorn on the mower, heading through Nancy's bedroom window.John Redcorn: Dale! This isn't how I wanted you to find out.
Dale: Quit screwing around with my mower!
John Redcorn: ...You've GOT to be kidding.
Dale: I don't kid about my mower. Now get inside and start massaging my wife.
John Redcorn: (to Nancy, after Dale leaves earshot) He's taking some of the fun out of this.
- "Take Me Out of the Ball Game":
Thatherton: Now I know what stinks so bad: Strickland's pitching.
- A chauvinist conversation Peggy overhears that motivates her to join Hank's baseball team:
Coach Kleehammer: Oh, what can he do? The league requires a woman pitcher. And like I tell my gym class: Girls can't play sports.
Thatherton: At least I found one that can get it over the plate, if you know what I mean. (Kleehammer stares blankly) I'm having sex with her.
- Chuck Mangione inserting "Feels So Good" into "The Star-Spangled Banner" at the ball game.
- Hank's out-of-nowhere "I love you." when asking Peggy to throw a different pitch than what she was intending.
- Bobby exclaiming, "Thatherton!" with his mouth full.
- "As Old As the Hills":
Waiter: Can I get you folks anything?
- Hank and Peggy have the house to themselves for their 20th wedding anniversary. Hank says that he rented an R-rated movie. Peggy asks which one, and Hank immediately realizes he picked the wrong kind of movie for the occasion: Platoon.
- Hank being a stickler for blood alcohol level:
Peggy: You know, I've never tried a Singapore sling.
Hank: I think that has alcohol in it, Peggy. Unless you want me to be the designated driver.
Peggy: Hank, this night is supposed to be special.
Hank: Okay. I won't have my beer, then.
Peggy: No. I won't have anything.
Hank: Well maybe we can both drink. How much do you weigh?
Peggy: I'll just have water, thank you.
Hank: I'll have a beer. (Peggy gives him an annoyed look)
- The introduction of Topsy, who freaks people out by puffing up his face.
- "Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall": Hank is in the hospital waiting room while Peggy is inside. The waiting room TV happens to be on, which is tuned to football. Naturally, Hank can't help but sneak a peek:Announcer: Aikman takes the snap. Quick pass over the middle to Smith. To the 20! The 10! Emmitt Smith scores!
Hank: (quietly) Yes!
Doctor: Hank Hill?
Hank: (turning around) I wasn't watching. Uh, just for a second. I have no idea what the score is, I couldn't tell you. Heh.
Cotton: Well, ya burnt my burger, didn't ya, B.H.?
- The Running Gag of Luanne immediately bawling whenever she sees Peggy in her body cast.
- Cotton decides to name the new baby "Good Hank". Hank objects, as it implies he's Bad Hank.
- "Bills Are Made to Be Broken": Hank's initially impressed with Ricky Suggs, as he heads onto the field with one of his legs still in a cast.Hank: Boy, I tell you what, if that boy doesn't make it into the NFL, he's got a job at Strickland Propane... pending Mr. Strickland's approval.
"My motion to add "fatty fatty boombalatty" to the list of unacceptable hate speech?"
- Bill's unintelligible stammering after Ricky gives his speech on breaking Bill's football record. Also used as The Stinger.
- When Hank tries to get the football record book to add an asterisk next to Ricky's record, it's denied. Onto more important matters...
Bill: Hank, how'd my head get so fat?
- Bill gets his old football uniform out of the closet and tries to put on his helmet, but can't:
Bill: Arlen's number one! (no reaction from the crowd) Hey, where's the party tonight? Anyone's parents out of town?
- At the school assembly for the football team, Ricky gives a shout out to his girlfriend. Two stand up and shout "I love you, Ricky!" and then give each other dagger eyes.
- Bill at same assembly:
Player: (cough) Loser.
Bill: Hey, my parents aren't even alive. PARTY AT MY PLACE!... Yeah. (still no response) ...'Kay.
Hank: Don't look down at your leg. (Bill gets a worried look)
- After Bill scores the touchdown and gets his record back, he's unable to get up because of multiple injuries. Hank doesn't help:
- "Little Horrors of Shop: This exchange:Hank: Just remember to clamp your butt joint. (Bobby giggles) Oh, I get it.
Bobby: I'm sorry, dad. I just, it's-
Hank: No no, you're right. Joke's on me. You should use a miter joint there. That'll look better.
Bobby: Than a...?
Hank: Butt joint. (Bobby giggles again) Okay, son, now you're just rubbing it in.
- "Aisle 8A":
Connie: Ugh. How many cows do you people eat in a year?
- Connie on her second night at the Hills':
Hank: Wait, we figured this out once.
Voicemail: The person you have reached:
- This Truth in Television bit, when Hank tries to call Peggy but is connected to her voicemail instead:
Peggy: This is Peggy Hill. I am so sorry I cannot take your call. Please leave a message.
Voicemail: ...Is not available. To leave a message-
- "A Beer Can Named Desire" has the Hills visit Bill's family on their way to the football game and Bill asks to be left behind. It's because two of the three Dauterive widows are not related to him by blood and all three are itching to have sex with someone. Peggy tells him he needs to keep away from them all just to be safe, but Bill hopes to figure out which one is his cousin so he can have the other two. At episode's end, Hank and the others return to the Dauterive house to find Bill waiting for them with a huge smile. Also a Moment of Awesome, considering how often Bill is let down by life. It's good to see him finally get a win.Peggy: Nice weekend, Bill?
Bill: BOTH OF 'EM!
Don: My mom always calls me "Don" or "Donny".
- "[Bobby] looks like the kid on the paint can!" (Referring to the "Little Dutch Boy.").
- Also from that episode, attempting to keep Bill's dandified cousin Gilbert from influencing Bobby, Hank volunteers to sit next to him at dinner, with the excuse that they can discuss sports. This leads to the following exchange:Hank: So, Gilbert, how do the Saints look this year?
Gilbert: Oh, I am more familiar with sinners than saints, my dear. And sinners always look good.
- Hank, upon meeting Don Meredith:
Hank: (star-struck) Wow. That's a great story, Mr. Meredith.
- "The Hank's Giving Episode": When everyone meets up at the end, the Hills' travel plans ruined, Bill shows up and admits that he made up an Uncle Stan as an excuse to drive the Hills to the airport:Hank: Yeah, kinda figured that...
Dale: Very sad.
- In "Not in My Back Hoe", when Hank spends more time with Hal, and Hank comes home to find they've drank a lot of beers waiting for him to get back:Dale: You said you'd be back in a minute. Then we waited another. And then, after about a million minutes, I forgot why I was counting.
Hank: Well what's the big deal? You don't get upset when I come home late from work.
Dale: One, we get very upset when you work late, and two, you were out with him.
Bill: Didn't you think Peggy might be worried you being gone so long?
Hank: I called her.
Bill: ...Yeah, well...
Dale: We're bein' phased out.
Dale: (in tape recorder) 10:15: Hank picks up Hal.
- The scene when Dale and Bill follow Hank and Hal:
(instead of repeating, Dale rewinds the tape and plays his recording: "10:15: Hank picks up Hal." Bill on the tape recorder: "What?")
Dale: I SAID: "10:15: Hank picks up Hal!"
Hank: You should be thanking me. Hal worked that back hoe so fast, we're going to save a couple days' rental.
- After Hal digs the hole instead of Dale or Bill:
Bill: (resentful) Yeah, and with the money you save, you could buy your friend Hal a dozen roses.
Dale: NOW you're buying him roses?!
Hank: So, uh... got any big dates?
- With Dale and Bill stuck in the hole, the alley is just Hank and Boomhauer. Hank breaks the awkward silence:
Boomhauer: (irritated) Man, dang ol' leave me ALONE, man. I'm talkin' about them old questions, man, them all questions, questions, questions. Man, nothing like my dang ol' mother, man, oh, "Boomhauer, when you gonna get married, make me a grandmother?" Dang ol'... (walks away)
Kahn: You mean they missing? Minh! Yeah, hey, Minh! Two down, two to go!
- When Hank starts to look for Dale and Bill, his first stop is Kahn's house:
Hank: Well, I'll get out of your hair. But before I go, I am curious. What's the best way of driving you out of that hole? I mean, you guys have more experience with this machine than me. What do you think? Would it be better to wide the hole beyond the tree, then extend the boom, plant the bucket, let out the outriggers, then release and replant the bucket-
- When Hank comes across Dale and Bill stuck in a hole inside their back hoe:
Dale: Wait wait, we'll, we'll humor your little experiment, but you'll have to slow down.
Hank: On your left there, pull the extender as far back-
Bill: Left, is it?
Hank: Yeah, the lever closest to me. (pause) Take that in your hand. (Bill hesitantly grabs it) Good.
Bill: Friendship is our country's sweetest wine.
- After Hank helps the two out of the hole they've been in for the last two days:
Hank: Okay. You're very delirious.
- "To Kill a Ladybird": Hank, on the raccoon: "Get outta here!... ya furry bastard." Funny for the way he delivers it.
- Every time a rabies-infected Dale closes his eyes, he sees strange characters chasing colorful geometric shapes in a dark infinite limbo. He has stopped closing his eyes.
- "Hillennium": Dale showing Nancy his plan for procuring fresh meat after the Y2K apocalypse, which is a pair of breeding gerbils:Nancy: Uh, Dale, shug? One of those is a hamster.
Dale: You laugh now, but after a few weeks of eating nothing but irradiated cockroaches, you will be begging for gerbster!
- "Old Glory": Bill's gigantic American flag, which is so huge that it blocks the sun from Kahn's window. He accidentally sleeps in as a result and gives an anguished scream when he sees it's bright outside. When Kahn tries to lower the flag, Bill comes outside in a towel and warns him: "Kahn, you touch that flag, and it'll be the last thing you ever touch." Kahn inches towards it and Bill chases him out of his yard, his towel falling off in the process.
- Hank, to Bobby: "An "F" in English? Bobby, you speak English!"
- The marching band playing an off-key version of "Walking on Sunshine" at the end.
- "Rodeo Days": Hank is pleased that Bobby is getting into rodeo, since it keeps him away from the video games.Hank: He was playing this Tomb Raider game where he was a girl.
- Combined with Moment of Awesome, this one bit of Toilet Humour, wherein Bobby dresses up as a rodeo clown to save Joseph. At first his usual material fails to distract the horse, but then he grabs the fire extinguisher and blasts it between his legs saying "Oooooh what did I eat?! Everyone avoid the nachos!".
- The clincher is when Bobby hops into the barrel, and says "I'm okay!" only for him to spray the fire extinguisher and say "DOI! NO I'M NOT!"
- "Hanky Panky": When Miz Liz is made the new boss of Strickland Propane, she calls Hank into her office:Miz Liz: What's the worst job on this team?
Hank: Worst paying, or most degrading- aw, hell, it's the same for both: Tank wipe.
Miz Liz: Debbie!
(Debbie peeks her head around the corner)
Miz Liz: You're on tank wipe!
Hank: Yeah, a back-up glass in case one of them breaks.
- Miz Liz calls Hank to her house on a phony propane emergency, but really wants to seduce him instead. At one point, she opens a bottle of wine: "And these are two glasses." Hank is still clueless about her intentions:
- In "High Anxiety", after Hank's been nervous about being arrested for accidentally smoking pot:Hank: I want you to promise me you won't ever do drugs, Bobby.
Bobby: I promise.
Hank: (distraught) A promise means nothing when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint, when you think it's a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either, now promise me!
Bobby: Okay, I promise!
Hank: (morose) Promises mean nothing.
Bobby: (firmly) Look, dad, I'm not gonna use drugs, 'cause drugs are for losers, and I'd never want to disappoint you.
Hank: (guiltily) Ugh...
Bobby: Plus, I wanna be the first chubby comic to live past thirty-five!
Sheriff: (noticing Payton leaving the convenience store) Leaving the Get-In Get-Out so soon, Payton? I'm sure there are some candy bars you haven't questioned. You better take them Three Musketeers into separate rooms, maybe one of 'em will crack.
- The sheriff's and Ranger Payton's exchange:
Payton: That's a good one, sheriff. How'd Hee Haw ever let you get away?
(sheriff pretends to find it amusing but quickly changes to a scowl)
Hank: Well son, I guess I let you down, doin' drugs like that, when I've always told you not to.
- Strickland reassuring his employees that he's completely innocent: "Now, I ain't a stupid man. I heard the rumors, I know that I got some fingers a'pointin' at me. But I'm givin' you all the Buck Strickland guarantee that I didn't kill that pretty girl. I wanna catch the murderer more than anything, so, if any of you have any information for the police... whyncha just come see me first and we'll discuss the best way o' handlin' that."
- The ending:
Bobby: Y'know, if I did something like this, you'd punish me. Maybe I should be able to punish you.
Hank: (chuckles) Well, okay, son, what's my punishment? Am I grounded?
Bobby: That's too easy. (thinks) You cannot mow the lawn for one week!
Hank: Aw come on, son, it was an accident.
Bobby: You wanna go for two?
- "Naked Ambition": When Bobby tells Joseph that he accidentally saw Luanne naked, he's stoked:Joseph: Was she wearing high heels?
Bobby: She wasn't wearing anything!
Joseph: I'm gonna picture her in high heels.
Dale: (holding his pet turtle, who has tucked inside its shell) Oh come on, where you going? I'm not leaving without my kiss. I can wait. (Beat) I can destroy you.
- Dale, before leaving to get Boomhauer out of the mental facility:
Connie: Is THIS what you came to see? (she's shown from the back opening her bathrobe) Well take a good look, you pervs! (cuts to her front; she's still wearing her pajamas underneath) You disgust me.
- A misunderstanding occurs where Connie thinks Bobby and Joseph were trying to see her naked:
Dale: ...Which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They're tired of being eaten and now they're fighting back.
- Dale, at the facility:
Doctor: I see.
Dale: Anywhoo, I just stopped by to pick up my buddy Boomhauer. You see, we're both in here by mistake. Now I can't vouch for Boomhauer, but I am most definitely not crazy.
Doctor: Go on.
Dale: Did you just say "Go, mom"? Now who's the crazy one?
Luanne: Aaah! Aunt Peggy! Mr. Kahn saw me naked!
- The ending. Joseph has been trying to sneak a peek at Luanne naked the whole episode, but is always unsuccessful. At the end, Kahn catches Bobby kissing Connie and just happens to be in the line of vision of an open bathroom window at the Hill's, where Luanne walks by after showering.
Joseph: (on the street, on his bike) Aw man...
- From "Movin' On Up", after Luanne accidentally walks in on Hank and Peggy about to have sex:Luanne: I thought you guys were sleeping. (snickers) But you guys weren't sleeping!
Hank: Exit the master bedroom right now!
Bill: I just whipped up a fresh batch of possum stew I'd be willing to share with you. Don't worry, I took off the feet.
- To deter prospective buyers from buying the empty house, Hank and the guys pretend to be stereotypical rednecks:
Buyer: What'd be say?
Kahn: (nervously) All great chefs do that now. Wolfgang Puck cut the feet off everything.
Dale: Got my own life fine, / Got my own fiddle, / Sun's comin' up, / I got Gribble, Gribble, Gribble.
Bobby: Guys can shave their legs too? That's very interesting.
- When Bobby notices one of Luanne's roommates shaving his legs:
Hank: (urgently) Peggy.
Bobby: Sorry, dad.
- "Won't You Pimai Neighbor?": This exchange:Bill: So, how long you been celibate?
Monk: Three years.
Bill: The fourth year's the hardest.
- Cue look of WTF from the monk.
- Followed immediately by:Hank: I'm going to kick your ass!
Monk: If my ass will be kicked, then it will be kicked.
Hank: The Buddhists think Bobby is a holy man. Now that's just sad.
- This exchange:
Peggy: Hank, Hank, Hank, listen to this: Richard Gere is a Buddhist.
Hank: Just keeps getting sadder.
Bobby: I've been meaning to ask you, what is Methodism, anyway?
- When Hank catches Bobby meditating with a Buddhist mark on his forehead, he says they're Methodists and don't do that.
(Hank is stumped; cut to Hank and Bobby having a meeting with Reverend Stroup at the church)
Stroup: Methodism is a rejection of Calvinism.
Hank: Lord, Hank Hill here. Methodist. Sorry about missing the homeless prayer service. Now, about Bobby; I'm pretty sure we're on the same page about this lama thing. I was kind of hoping that you could just have him fail this test tomorrow, you know, like you've had him fail so many other tests in the past. (hears Peggy preparing to leave the bathroom) Uh, oh, and, uh, the starving kids, uh, gotta go. Amen.
- Hank's prayer:
- "Hank's Bad Hair Day": All the unhinged behavior of Jack, Hank's barber: Stealing a guy's bike and riding off on it during the middle of Hank's haircut; telling Hank to take off his shirt ("You're going back into work, aren't you? A lunchtime haircut, you take off your shirt!"); "Have a seat, Hank, I'll be with you as soon as I'm done with this gentleman here." (the chair is empty); and his reaction when Hank breaks the news that he's not going to be a customer anymore:Jack: You don't have to say it, Hank. I'm getting out of the business. I just can't deal with the jackasses anymore. You were one of the good ones, Hank. But your kid's a jackass. (shampooes his head and uses a hair dryer, spraying the foam on the barbershop window)
Bill: I heard about Jack, I'm sorry.
- This Noodle Incident:
Hank: How did you hear about Jack?
Bill: Well it was on TV. You didn't see the high speed chase?
Hank: A letter from the U.S. Army. Hope I'm not drafted! Hehe... (Bobby isn't paying attention) heh.
- Hank tries out a different barber which is blaring techno/pop music when he opens the door; he walks in and immediately walks out.
- This bit:
Dale: You eliminated Bill. Bill-iminator!
- When Hank inadvertently gets Bill fired from cutting hair for the Army, Dale comes over:
Dale: The Army shut down the sergeant barbers. Now Bill has no purpose in the Army, either.
Hank: Oh no. Is Bill all right?
Dale: I didn't ask. I came straight here so I could see your face when you found out what you did. (notices the "Point of Light" that the Army gave Hank) Is that real crystal? Hey, look, you can make a prism.
(holds it in front of Hank's head, which distorts Hank's face in a rather amusing manner)
- The scene when Hank declares "I'm going to write my Congressman!" He goes to Peggy's closet office and tries to turn on her computer by merely holding up the mouse and clicking multiple times. Fade to later; Hank's hand-written a letter instead, and the keyboard and mouse is sitting on top of the computer.
- "Meet the Propaniacs": "Gas cop, gas cop, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when he coooooomes foooooor yoooooouuuu?"
- Hank is chewed out for doing a skit where he accidentally reveals that Texas Propane Dealers Association President Charlie Fortner wears diapers. Charlie threatens that if his troupe ever does their act again, Hank won't work in propane again. Hank tries to get back on Charlie's good side:
- "Nancy's Boys": Peggy mentions to Hank that Nancy only sleeps with Dale on Christmas and his birthday. Later in the episode, after she ends up telling Peggy that she slept with Dale after a date...Peggy: Oh my god, we forgot his birthday!
- "Flush With Power": The scene where Hank reads many of Peggy's musings as a method of filibustering.Hank: "They say "time flies", but with the way the airlines are going these days, maybe time should take the bus." That's right, the bus.
Nate Hashaway: Fine. Have it your way, you do-gooding phonies. I hope you all rot in Hell. (throws down his gavel) (pause) See you next Tuesday.
- When everyone finally votes against Nate Hashaway on the low flow toilet issue:
- "Transnational Amusement Presents: Peggy's Magic Sex Feet": Dale brings Hank over to his basement to show him that Peggy's feet are appearing on fetish websites, with various items poured over her feet. At one point:Dale: Ssh. Here comes the fondue.
Hank: No it doesn't! (unplugs Dale's computer)
- "The Perils of Polling": The parody of JFK when Hank keeps rewinding the tape of George W. Bush shaking a voter's hand and them being let down when it's limp.Hank: Surprise... disappointment. Surprise... disappointment. Surprise... disappointment.
- "The Buck Stops Here":
Guard: Do you know who you knocked down? The chairman of the Membership Committee. Yeah, that's right. Corky Haywood. I'd be wetting myself, too, right now if I were you.
- After Bobby, riding a block of ice down a hill, accidentally rams right into a golfer and is picked up by a golf security guard for it:
Bobby: But that security guy said I was fired.
- When Bobby tries to apologize to Buck Strickland for it, Buck takes Bobby's side:
Buck: Then that security guard is fired!
Bobby: No, please don't-
Buck: Too late, he's fired.
Bill: I had a dream last night where we [himself, Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer] were all naked. Except for you, Hank, you had these tiny clear plastic underpants on. Actually, they weren't doing you any good, because you could see everything. But the weird part was—
- Bill randomly bringing up a dream before Hank cuts him off:
Hank: Well, while Buck's out enjoying himself on the links, I'm just glad he's got someone like me at the shop to keep the trains running on time. Take today, for instance. We got a surprise call from the Propane Association. They needed to talk to Buck. Well, I handled it. Told them that would be fine. Yep, that's just the kind of fires I have to put out when Buck's not around.
- This bit, after Bobby tells an anecdote about Buck at the golf course:
Buck: (opens the door) Hey! Bobby! (takes Bobby inside and shuts off the outside light)
- After Bobby brags about helping Buck cheat at golf and uses salty language, Hank tells him, "Well, there is no getting around the rules in this house. If you like cheating and lying so much, why don't you go to Buck's house?" and drives Bobby to Buck's house, thinking Buck will turn Bobby away ("He's no babysitter"). It backfires spectacularly.
Man: You all emptied out, Carla?
- Hank, to Buck's house maid: "If Mr. Strickland calls, you tell him... I'm taking a personal day."
- Bobby is stuck in a dark alley waiting for Mr. Strickland to get done gambling. A couple (who have been drinking) are making out nearby. At one point, the woman vomits:
(the two resume making out)
Bobby: (grossed out) OH GOD!!!
Peggy: (weakly) I think I'll go inside and brew some coffee. (still lying on the lawn) Yep. That's gonna taste sweet.
- At the end, Hank saves Bobby and Mr. Strickland from a group of angry gamblers. Buck jumps into the bed and, as they are driving away, taunts the pursuing gamblers. Hank immediately slows down so the gamblers catch up to them and punch Mr. Strickland out. Much to Hank's satisfaction.
- The subplot where Peggy and Minh compete for who can donate the most blood (the winner gets a coffee mug). By the end, Peggy is crawling on the lawn to show off her mug to a jealous Minh.
- "I Don't Want to Wait": The moment when Joseph kisses Minh, misreading her signals.Joseph: Sorry, I just thought you liked me.
Minh: Oh yeah, you rock my world.
Peggy: You think I should get out of my coffin and see what's going on?
- Joseph runs back to the Hill's garage, where Hank and Peggy are lying in their custom-made coffins. When they sit up and look at Joseph, he freaks out and runs off.
Hank: Over my dead body.
Connie: I didn't mean to kiss Joseph. It was just that he was so sad and tall.
- This exchange:
Bobby: And you're so loose, and cheap.
- "Spin the Choice": Peggy describes a Wheel of Fortune-style game that she devised:Peggy: Well, the game is pretty straightforward. You can choose to spin or you can choose to choose. If you choose to spin, you can land on "spin," or "choice," or "lose a spin" or "lose a choice," or "free spin" or "free choice," or "spin again."
Dale: So Joseph called you a cannibal. It's not like it's true, is it?
- Everyone thinks John Redcorn is a cannibal after Bobby shared some trivia about a certain Native American tribe from centuries ago.
John Redcorn: Of course not. Any cultural anthropologist will tell you that the Anasazi tribe last practiced cannibalism over 700 years ago!
Dale: And you are affiliated with what tribe?
John Redcorn: Dale, I don't eat people! For God's sake! It would be like me accusing you of cannibalism just because that nut in Michigan who boiled body parts on his stove was white. And that disc jockey in Philadelphia who ate people in his basement. Also white.
Bill: I spun it a little too hard.
- When playing the titular game, Bill spins Peggy's arm on the prize wheel. She initially stops her arm on a Winnebago, and Bill celebrates... then Peggy moves her arm to the inferior prize below it.
- "Peggy Makes the Big Leagues": Peggy, on quarterback David Kalaiki Alii sleeping through her class:Peggy: (to Hank) ...And he continued to sleep peacefully. It was pure chaos!
Buck: Now you got two messes to clean up!
- Peggy shouting "STOP!!!" at the end of class, then calmly saying, "Okay, please hand in your midterm."
- When a group of parents finds out that Peggy flunked David (which puts him out of the game for three weeks), they enter Strickland Propane to confront Hank. One of the parents says: "Do you know what happens in those three weeks? San Marcos, Belton, Mc Maynerbury. Mc Maynerbury, Hank!" They also knock over a tag rack on their way out:
Hank: "Strickland Propene does not have a vending machine. It smells, and I thank God every day I didn't get exploded. The end." (pours a shot of beer) May God have mercy on me... (gives the paper an A)
- As a loophole to get David back to playing, Hank agrees to hire him at Strickland Propane for a work study program. David's final essay is gold:
Hank: David Kalaiki Alii received an A on his propane exam.
- Hank, to the booster club, coming to his senses about what he did:
(cheers from the group)
Hank: But, he deserved an F.
(pause... then cheers from the group)
Buck: It's a classic! "I thank God every day I didn't get exploded." (taps at his heart) Gets to you.
- When Hank asks Buck if he even read said paper later:
Peggy: Oh, no, David. The pep rally is down the hallway, honey. Wait. Did you poop yourself?
- When David's mother puts on an act that David is learning disabled, David comes in and asks, "Hey, what's all this crap? Where's all my Swanks?"
- The next day at school, David approaches Peggy, who still thinks he's learning disabled:
David: I deserve that.
- "When Cotton Comes Marching Home": When Cotton is reprimanded for leaving his greeter's stool:Cotton: I've done everything for this country. I gave my shins to beat the Tojos. I bit a Nazi's windpipe in half!!!
- From "'Twas the Nut Before Christmas" when Bobby drinks beer given to him by Wally.Bobby: HEY, DAD! I LIKE BEER! (pukes)
Hank: (pointing to Bobby, Joseph, and Connie) YOU, YOU, AND YOU: Go home NOW! (to Wally) You get the hell out of here. That does it! I've had about enough of this Christmas crap. Bill!
- And what follows immediately after the act break:
- "Chasing Bobby": Hank's lame excuse to Bobby for why he was crying while watching "The Flowers of Time":Hank: So, I forgot how long the straw was, and it caught me in the eye. That was Sprite running down my cheek, not tears.
Clark: Now someone is lyin' to me. Let's see... is it the girl in accounting, my daughter... or you fellas?
- Hank and Buck are driving to a client to save an account (the client had accused Enrique of short-filling the tanks). To keep the engine from overheating, Hank turns up the heat in the car, causing both of them to sweat profusely. When they arrive at the client:
(cut to Hank and Buck, who are still sweating and look guilty as hell)
Buck: Scout's honor, Roy. If Hank says those tanks were filled, by God, those tanks were filled!
Hank: Actually, sir, if you recall, what I said was-
Buck: Whoo-ee! I don't like to get this sweaty lessen I have a, you know, little lady to towel off on.
(Buck drops to his knees and slowly passes out from heat exhaustion)
Hank: (to Clark) ...We lost the account, didn't we?
Bobby: So I raised my hand and said: "Mrs. Donovan, I think I speak for the whole class when I say the homework load has been a little heavy lately." And the class erupted!
- This bit at the start of the next scene:
- "Yankee Hankee": Irwin Linker, to his own daughter:Irwin: Take your hands off me, you gutter slut.
Hank: I'm not a native Texan, I'm just a Texan.
- The ending:
Peggy: And I am a Texan, too.
Hank: I don't remember seeing any Montana flag at the Alamo.
Peggy: Well, it wasn't a state yet.
Hank: Fine. Everybody's a Texan. Change planes in Dallas, you're a Texan.
- "Hank and the Great Glass Elevator": When Hank finds out that Peggy and Bobby have been using charcoal for grilling rather than propane, and Peggy trying to make excuses:Peggy: Luanne asked me to hold it for her, I thought it was drugs!
Hank: (holding two burgers, one cooked with propane and the other with charcoal) I want you to choose, Peggy, right now. Which is better? Charcoal, or me?
- The way Hank phrases his taste test:
- In "Now Who's the Dummy?":
Hank: "Fluttering butterflies"? (sighs) Not in this house. (goes to Bobby's room, where he's practicing how to speak with a ventriloquist dummy) ...New rule: Lights out at 8:30! (shuts door)
- Hank and Peggy are in bed and they hear Bobby saying "Fluttering butterflies" from the other room.
Hank: (after drinking a beer) Another.
- When Hank first finds out about the ventriloquist dummy:
Bill: Don't you think you've had enough?
Bill: Yes, sir. (hands him one)
Hank: (after chugging another beer) My son is playing with dolls. There. I said it.
Dale: He's a sissy. There. I said that.
Dale: You wouldn't hit an unconscious maaaa... *falls unconscious, Hank kicks him aside*
- After Dale puts the titular dummy through a woodchipper and Hank threatens to kick his ass, Dale breaks out his escape plan: Chloroforming himself.
Dale: You'll never catch Dale Griiiibbbbbb.... *Collapses*Hank: *chuckles* You were right, Bobbies. Ventriloquism is fun!
- The ending to the episode, where Hank and Bobby scare Dale with the new ventriloquist's dummy fashioned after Bobby through his CCTV camera (which alerts him of a "perimeter breach" in Dale's voice), Dale screams in panic and chloroforms himself again.
- "Ho Yeah!": Hank Hill at the end. Could also count as a Moment of Awesome.
Hank: Son of a... bwaaaaaahhhhh!!!
- Please note that while he was doing this he was wearing a pimp hat, driving a Cadillac car (which he got from Cotton while he went to a swap meet), and had both Peggy and a houseguest in the backseat while they both were dressed like hookers (one of which was actually a Hooker, try to guess which one) And the person he was chewing out was a Pimp from OKC. Immediately after this, Dale begged Hank not to "turn him out" claiming he is "no good" and to ask his wife to verify this.
- The pimp was voiced by Snoop, too!
- His "trap" when trying to shake off the pimp that is chasing him with his car: he waits on a yellow light just long enough so he can be the only one to cross before the light turns red. Hank is aghast when he sees the pimp crossing on the red light.
- Perhaps one of the funniest "bwah" moments in the series, after Hank learns that Tammi is a prostitute and he realizes he's been acting like a pimp:
- "The Exterminator":
Nancy: Here's a photo of me for your new, big, fancy desk. We could move it if we ever wanted to... you know.
- Dale gets his own office at work. Nancy is impressed:
Dale: Have sex on the desk? Sure!
- Dale wants to have sex with Nancy. She's not in the mood because she's feeling bad for a guy Dale fired at work, but Dale says "Maybe this'll help" and hovers over Nancy while shaking his chest and muttering. It's about the most unsexy-looking thing you can imagine.
- "Luanne Virgin 2.0":
Reverend Stroup: Who's ready to engage in a frank and open discussion of fornication?
- Hank is incredibly uncomfortable at the abstinence outreach program at the church:
Hank: May I remind you that there is a poster of Jesus behind that ping-pong table?
Hank: I mostly work in propane, so why don't I just go do that. (leaves)
- And later, when they break into small groups and discuss their sexual histories:
Peggy: We went back to Wayne's house, gently pushed aside his decorative throw pillows, and then... (dreamily) ho yeah.
- Peggy confides with Luanne that she had sex with someone else before marrying Hank. The way she describes the act is funny:
Luanne: You should be proud of me. I'm going to be the first Platter woman to walk down the aisle a virgin.
- After Luanne is baptized into a "born again virgin", she emerges from the lake with wet clothes and excitedly shouts, "I'M A VIRGIN!!!" Two guys playing Frisbee nearby are so distracted that the Frisbee hits one of them in the head.
- When Luanne spills the beans that Peggy had sex with someone else before marrying Hank:
Hank: You watch it, young lady! Your aunt and I never-
Luannne: No. Before she met you. With Wayne Trotter.
Peggy: Well, it's true.
Peggy: He's gay now, if that makes you feel any better.
(Hank screams again)
Peggy: No. Of course it doesn't.
Hank: (half asleep) Strickland Propane, taste the meat, not the h- I mean, hello?
- Hank answers the phone in the middle of the night:
- Luanne, to Reverend Stroup after Hank and Peggy make up: "I think someone's gonna lose their virginity! Not me, no no. (whispering) Aunt Peggy."
- "Hank's Choice": This line at the start of the episode:Peggy: You know, it frightens me to think that we raised Bobby for 12 years without the Internet. Parents without the internet should have their children taken away.
Doctor: Look, if you want a dog inside, it says right here that there are several hypoallergenic breeds of dog, such as poodles or hairless.
- When the doctor informs Hank and Peggy that Bobby is allergic to dander, the doc recommends other breeds of dogs:
Hank: A poodle? Why not go all the way and just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
Hank: Bill! Not today! Abort!
- Peggy tells Hank that Bobby's been asleep for eighteen hours due to the allergy pills.
- At the grand opening of Ladybird's dog house, she refuses to go in. Hank decides to do some quick renovations and they'll delay the opening a couple days. That's when Bill comes around the corner on a lawnmower with sparklers and "The Stars and Stripes Forever" playing.
Bobby: I get one more frisbee, I'm opening a store!
- Bobby ends up living in the dog house that Hank built for Ladybird. It's funny enough that everybody treats this as him legit moving out on his own, but the funniest moment comes when Dale and Bill toss a frisbee over his little dog-fence. Bobby's reaction when they ask for it back is to scowl at them like an old man, put it under his arm and crawl into his doghouse with it.
Hank: So, your mother was wanting to see you. How does dinner on Thursday sound?
- This bit:
Bobby: Thursday's poker night. The stripper comes over at 9:00. (elbows Hank) Ah, I'm just yanking your chain. She's over at 8:00. (elbows him again)
- "It's Not Easy Being Green": The whole "environmental court" scene, especially Bobby's defense of Hank ("I would like to change my client's plea to guilty by reason of insanity."), Clark Peters as the prosecutor ("I'm not a lawyer, I'm just a kid. But you, sir, disgust me."), and Hank's failed attempt to get the class on his side:Hank: McMaynerbury used the money they got burying Houston's garbage to buy those new fire engines. Who likes fire engines?
(class stares blankly)
Bill: What about that gray patch of land over there? It looks pretty useless. It would be perfect.
- When Hank, Dale, and Bill go to Councilman Eber to convince him to build the multiplex somewhere besides the quarry:
Eber: That's the quarry.
(Hank gives Bill a dirty look)
Bobby: This is the first time in my life I've gotten you to change your mind about something. Which one of my arguments did you love the most?
- When Hank agrees to protest the quarry draining with Bobby:
Hank: (bluffing) Oh, you know... "Spaceship Earth", "we're all in this together", you know... "random acts of... what-not."
McKay: Are those paper plates?
- Mr. McKay guilt tripping Peggy when she brings out cookies:
(long pause as she tries to think of a comeback)
Peggy: Yes. (goes back in the house with the cookies)
Hank: Okay. I've got a plan that might actually work. Dale, we're gonna need your scuba gear.
- Hank at his lamest: "I am no stranger to city council meetings having supported your anti-skateboarding initiative as well as the neon-sign wattage limits."
- Hank, Dale, and Bill brainstorming how to keep Boomhauer from finding out they drove his Mustang into the quarry:
Hank: Because they can't find Boomhauer's car if it's not there.
Dale: But it is there.
Bill: Maybe we should use Dale's scuba gear to pull the car out.
Dale: Now, that's a plan, Hank!
Bill: (after engine won't start) You're flooding it!
- The ending, when Boomhauer forces Bill and Dale to drive back his Mustang after its been at the bottom of the quarry for 20 years.
- "The Trouble with Gribbles": Dale and Bill cheerfully singing the Beefaroni jingle just before Bill abruptly starts bawling his eyes out. The reason Bill started crying is actually pretty sad (because Dale is being emotionally abusive to his wife as part of a Frivolous Lawsuit scam), but the sheer Mood Whiplash of the moment is just hilarious.
Reynolds Penland: All right, brain trust. The trial's tomorrow. Don't play patty cake with me. Could we lose this thing?
- The day before the trial:
Toblik: We erased the tapes, so they can't hurt us. But the love affair between juries and tobacco companies has cooled.
Reynolds Penland: Could we LOSE this thing?!
(Toblik doesn't reply; instead he gets up and walks out the door. After he's shut the door behind him...)
Lawyer-Dale: Are you a HOMOSEXUAL?!
- Dale playing both himself and his own lawyer in court, constantly switching back and forth. In particular, after lawyer-Dale questions witness-box-Dale about who he considers "beautiful" in a People Magazine issue and witness-box-Dale doesn't consider any of them to fit the bill:
Lawyer-Dale: You cannot have it both ways, Mr. Gribble! Either you are a homosexual or the most beautiful woman in the world is in this magazine!
- "Hank's Back Story":
Hank:You say something about my lawn, Dauterive?
- When Bill comes over and dumbs his junk food at the Hill's backyard, at first Peggy ask if the rats are back. Bill says he's trying to lose weight to do better in the lawn mower race, Hank quips that Bill could lose 100 pounds and still not make turns like him, Bill retorts saying that he would never drop 100 pounds and that it's clear Hank hasn't been practicing, calling his lawn "shaggy", Hank (Even with his Back/butt problems) doesn't take this sitting down, grabbing a hand full of ground beef and slamming it on Bill's head.
Dale: Celebrate good times, come on! Sixth place!
- The physical comedy moment at the end of act one when Hank, after finding out he has diminished gluteal syndrome, sits down and immediately shoots back up because it hurts to sit.
- Hank calling himself "Hank Grill" to a stranger asking about his gluteal orthotic device.
- Cotton: "Dear God, Hank! You're wearin' butt boobies! (...) Didi, come over here. Put your fake ta-ta's next to Hank's. We'll see who's got the bigger melons!"
- Peggy: "I'm sorry, Hank. it's just that I don't know what it's like. Because obviously, I have got it going on back there!"
- Dale is excited about getting sixth place in the mower races because at least he beat Hank.
- "Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story": The scene when Hank is in Dale's port-o-potty and the walls collapse, revealing Hank with his pants down. Naturally, a "bwah!" follows.Dale: He's a squatter.
- "Bobby Goes Nuts": "THAT'S MAH PURSE! I DON'T KNOW YOU!"
Clark: What are you gonna do? You gonna kick me in the nads?
- The scene where Bobby defends a kid from Clark Peters.
Bobby: Am I going to do it? Yes. When am I gonna do it? Don't know. Could be tomorrow- NOW! (kicks Clark in the groin, who drops to the floor) One thing you'll find out about me, Clark is that I'm not a very patient person.
(gears up to kick again, but it was a fake-out)
Bill: YOU HAVE BEEN KICKED IN THE TESTICLES.
- After Bobby kicks Hank in the groin:
(Hank groans in pain)
Doctor: I palpated the left teste and everything checks out. There's gonna be quite a bit of swelling for a few days.
Peggy: What about the other one?
Doctor: We can't find it right now.
Bobby: I'm sorry about what happened. But when you hit me in the nose-
- After the incident:
Hank: You mean the nose above your belt? If I remember correctly- and your shot below my belt hasn't affected my memory- I was teaching you how to fight above the belt.
Bobby: It was the way I learned how to defend myself.
Hank: By kicking me in my fellas? Dirty pool, Mister. Dirty pool. Now, let's discuss your punishment.
Bobby: Punishment? For what? You told me to go to the Y and learn to defend myself and I did!
Hank: No television, no video games, and no ice cream until further notice.
Bobby: That's not fair! You can't do that!
Hank: I'll tell you what I can't do: Sleep on my stomach! But I can sure as heck punish you.
Bill: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts...
Dale kicks him square in the junk
Dale: Be Careful What You Wish For!
Connie: Where have you been? Word in the halls is you got suspended for kicking Principal Moss in the crotch.
- Bobby visits Connie after being suspended for the two fights where he kicked classmates in the groin.
- When Peggy fights Bobby at the end:Peggy: Nice try, Bobby, but I think you'll find that I have no testicles.
Kahn: SHE BLUFFING! FINISH HER!
- "Soldier of Misfortune": "It's a leaf blower, Bill, not a jetpack." And Bill's genuine disappointment at this.
Dale: I'm being set up. But who hates me? No one! Wait. Mad Dog. But who would stand to gain from killing me? No one! Wait. Mad Dog.
- "Pocket sand!"
- "He's already got the black vote. Earl. And the gay vote. Earl."
- This, after Dale is convinced he's being targeted:
- Gets a call back later in the episode when Earl declares "There's only one man I'd take a bullet for, and he's at home making my supper!"
- "Fifteen minutes ago, we were talking about microwaving a pizza! What happened here?!"
- "Lupe's Revenge": Peggy, on trial for kidnapping in Mexico, butchering the Spanish language in her defense:
- Peggy: <Your Honor, I can see that you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend them in a cigar factory.>
Judge: (in Spanish) Senora Hill, I find you not guilty.
- Making that a Bilingual Bonus is that many of those are common "false friends" that trip up unskilled Spanish speakers. Embarrassed/Pregnant and Years/Anuses are very easy to mistake.
- Also good is the judge's verdict:
Peggy: Oh my God, I'm going to jail!
Policewoman: Turn around. Spread them. (Peggy does so) Not bad. But take a look at this. (replicates the pose, shaking her butt) Huh? HUH?! Now get out of here.
- The subplot has Hank pulled over by a woman cop who flirts with him. When Peggy tries to smuggle Lupe back to Mexico, she's pulled over by the same cop. She thinks she's dead meat when the officer asks her to step out of the car, but all she really wanted to do was show off the competition.
- "I'm With Cupid": Bobby is despondent over breaking up with Connie after hanging out with Bill all evening:Bobby: Can I sleep with you guys tonight?
Hank: (quickly) No.
Bobby: I'm your little candy maaaaaan!
- Bobby tries to get Connie back by spreading chocolate on his chest in the shape of a heart and pressing himself against the glass:
Joseph: Hey dad!
- At Joseph's party:
(Dale and Nancy are making out in the corner)
Dale: Not now, Joseph, I'm rounding first base here. (resumes making out, but stops) Ah, the moment's ruined.
Peggy: (to a clerk) Excuse me, do you have these in a size 16-and-a-half?
- When Bobby meets a new girl named Debby, she finds him funny. Peggy and Hank approach:
Debby: Your mom's funny, too.
(Peggy frowns at her)
Hank: Whoa, Boomhauer! That's the women's changing room! The men's is over there!
- Boomhauer tries to follow a woman into the changing room after she beckons him. Hank is clueless about this and calls out:
Boomhauer: (annoyed) Got dang it all, man...
Hank: Don't mention it.
- "Torch Song Hillogy": "Remember, honey, you're going to be on TV so do not do that thing with your nose that you're not aware of."
Dale: My oral fixation!
- Dale's cigarette being taken from him to relight the Olympic torch, mainly for Dale's reaction:
- "Joust Like a Woman":
Peggy: I would make an excellent wandering minstrel. If I can play guitar on the StairMaster, I certainly can do it while wandering.
- When Peggy is applying for a job at the renaissance fair:
Supervisor: No, see, you're a woman. Other than the yard-long margaritas, we're pretty strict about historical accuracy. You're pretty much looking at cleaning wench, stable wench or butter-churning wench.
Peggy: Are you sure you don't have any openings for a queen? Warrior princess?
Supervisor: No. I can go over the wenches again.
Peggy: Is "cleaning wench" the highest-ranking wench?
Supervisor: "Highest"? (chuckles) ...Oh. Yes.
Hank: Well, I guess if they burn you at the stake, they'll be using my propane. (to King Philip) You'll find it burns witches cleanly and evenly, and at a fraction of the cost of natural gas.
- After Peggy is accused of being a witch:
Hank: Got dang it! That's my third pair of these got-dang tights today.
- Hank's tights rip:
Bobby: (resentful) At least you get to wear tights.
Bill: What do you think gonna happen after the joust? You know, when Hank is killed, with Peggy?
- "Look, I can't take any chances. I have a daughter and she needs a prom dress. And it has to be the one from the magazine or all the other girls will make fun of her!"
- King Philip: "What a fine day for a fair... it is."
- Before the joust:
Dale: In the Middle Ages, there was an orderly procedure for the dispensation of the wife, unlike in today's gynocracy. Ownership goes from the son to the dog to the best friend. Bobby's too young, Ladybird's too old, I already own a wife, Boomhauer doesn't have the time. So, Bill, this could be your in.
Bill: Don't worry, Peggy. I'll take care of you.
Peggy: That is as unnecessary as it is repulsive. Peggy Hill can take care of herself.
Dale: Oh, boy! You're gonna have your hands full with this one, Bill. Next item, Hank's lawnmower.
Boomhauer: Yo, man. I got dibs on it.
Peggy: Oh, you're all a bunch of morons! (leaves)
Bobby: Go, dad!
- This brief moment:
(sits down and puts on a masquerade mask on a stick)
Philip: Tell me, peasant, how does it feel to have lost the joust, your wench's honor and the propane account in one mighty thrust of my lance? It's a bitter taste, I'm sure. And ye shall savor it for seven score fortnights anon!
- After Hank loses the joust:
Philip: (Renaissance accent slipping into a Southern drawl) Department of Labor, OSHA "Texas Workforce Commission"? Crap! I'm gonna lose my fair! I don't want to go back to selling real estate!
- As King Philip is handed a lawsuit:
Dale: The prime directive has been breached! Women's liberation has happened too soon! I must warn the future! (mimes being teleported)
- Dale and Bill pretending to be time travelers:
Bill: Take me with you! I hate it here.
- "Unfortunate Son": Dale's falcon.
- "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret Hill":
Hank: Just come to Strickland, Peggy. (with a tone of voice like he's talking to a dog) Come on. Come on. Come on.
- Hank wants Peggy to work with him at Strickland Propane:
Hank: You are hereby requisitioned three Strickland Propane pens. These can never, ever leave the office. Sorry to be a spoilsport, but Donna ruined it for everyone.
- When Hank's training Peggy at Strickland:
Buck: Hey, Peggy. Welcome aboard. You told her about the pens, right?
Peggy: Yes. I am aware of the pen situation.
Hank: Just so you don't hear it from anyone else, I'm sleeping with the new employee.
Mother Superior: So, may I see your resume?
- Peggy in the interview for a teacher at the Catholic school:
Peggy: Oh, well, my resume is is written on the smiling faces of the children of El Salvador where I did my most recent nunning.
Peggy: Hank, I have great news. I just got my dream job teaching Spanish full-time at Saint lgnatius Catholic School.
- Peggy quits at Strickland to teach Spanish at the Catholic school:
Hank: But you already have a dream job: Junior grill associate at Strickland Propane.
Peggy: Hank, I am thrilled with me. Why can't you be?
Hank: Okay, fine. Go teach. Propane sells itself. Doesn't need you.
Dale: Okay, my turn: Tongue-kiss a lizard, or take a shower in Bill's bathroom?
- This bit:
Boomhauer: Lizard, man.
Bill: Oh, why is the other choice always "take a shower in Bill's bathroom"?
Dale: Here's one: Put a wasp up your nose or take a shower in Bill's bathroom?
Peggy: This is easily the most rewarding job I have ever had.
- This exchange:
Mother Superior: More rewarding than teaching crippled children to walk in El Salvador?
Peggy: (hand waves) Tons more.
Peggy: Bobby, sorry I did not have time to make you lunch this morning, but maybe you can trade this can of beets for something, huh?
- Hank and Peggy have friction at breakfast:
Hank: You know, Donna had plenty of time to make her kids lunch, and she was robbing us blind.
Peggy: Hank, when are you going to quit sulking?
Hank: I don't know, but when I do, I'll give you two weeks' notice, which is more than you gave me.
Peggy: All right, you're disappointed. I get it. You know how the smell of propane gives you goose bumps? For me, it is the smell of children learning Spanish. I wish you could open your nose to my passion. (leaves)
Bobby: And you never believed in my comedy career either! (storms out of the room)
- "Tankin' it to the Streets":
(Kahn brakes suddenly as the S.U.V. is just a bit too large to get in the door)Hank: Where ya gonna keep it smart guy? It doesn't even fit in your garage.
- Right at the start we get an amusing moment with Kahn. Attempting to one-up his "hillbilly neighbors" again, he drives up in a new S.U.V., but as he pulls it up to his garage...
Kahn: (looks incredulously from the garage door, then back at Hank, and hilariously tries to salvage his pride) Maybe I keep garage in SUV! Hahahaha! Kiss my ass!
- This line:
Dale: Given what I know about Bill, and cover-ups, I'd say he was used in the Army's attempted assassination of boxing promoter Bob Arum.
Hank: Dammit Dale, I told you. You just hit a curb.
- Later on, Dale takes the tank Bill stole and squashes Kahn's new SUV with it. Hank's reaction to the SUV getting run over just makes it even funnier.
Hank: I know you're disappointed with the way you turned out. We all are. But the good news is, it's not your fault. All those things that were great about you back in high school the confidence, the charm, the pep they're still a part of you. They're just hidden inside the government's bloated, lazy body.
- This exchange:
Bill: What? So it's not my fault that I'm fat, bald and lazy?
Dale: Or that your breath always stinks like rotting garbage!
Bill: My breath smells?
Hank: It doesn't smell... pleasant... most of the time.
Bill: Why didn't you guys ever say anything?
Hank: Well, we didn't tell you because it would have hurt your feelings. But now that we know it's the government's fault well, Bill, your breath stinks.
- "Beer and Loathing":
Boomhauer: You're talking about no secrets, man. This is just like when we were kids, man. Old skinned knees, you know, first crushes, man. Lemonade stand, little old tree house, and the... Man, if you can't trust no people in this alley, man I wouldn't want to be alive, man.
- Hank knows a secret about Alamo Beer but he can't spill it because Peggy already violated her nondisclosure agreement by telling Hank. The guys guilt trip him about it:
Hank: You and your guilt trips, Boomhauer. But, I promised Peggy I wouldn't tell so don't give me those basset-hound eyes.
(Boomhauer has his usual deadpan expression and Black Bead Eyes)
- Hank and the guys travel to Mexico to get Alamo Beer while it's absent from shelves in America. It turns out the beer was tainted. On their way back home:
Computer Voice: Stage one complete.
- The capper: When the group makes it home, they all run for their bathrooms. Dale, however, has to input two passcodes on his bathroom's security system before it lets him in.
Dale: (typing in more codes while desperately trying to hold it in) Egggghhh!!!
Peggy: So how was everyone's day?
- The Running Gag of Hank leaving the breakfast table to vomit/crap some more.
Hank: Pretty boring. You know, watched some... oh, God. (leaves the table)
- "Fun with Jane and Jane": The end credits, where four emus take the place of Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer in the alley.
- "Sug Night": When Dale finds out about Hank having an erotic dream about Nancy, he wants to attack Hank in the outdoor hot tub:Dale: ELECTRIC TOASTER!!! (runs at Hank with a toaster but falls down when the cord doesn't reach)
Hank: I've always thought of propane as a dignified lady. But she's not just clean burning; she can also be a dirty girl.
- This line towards the end:
- "Returning Japanese": Luanne is asked to look after Ladybird while the Hills go to Japan.Hank: I'm only gonna read this once: (reading a letter) "Hi. My name is Ladybird. "I like long walks, my arthritis medication, and two cups of kibble a day. I'll try to outsmart you and get three cups. But I know you're too clever for that, Miss Platter."
Luanne: I don't know, Uncle Hank. She did write this letter and everything.
Hank: ...Trip's off!
Flight attendant: Sir, you are in an exit row. Will you be able to assist other passengers in case of an emergency?
- On the airplane to Japan:
Flight attendant: Is your son under 13? He has to be 13 or older to sit in an emergency row.
Hank: He is 13. (the flight attendant turns around; Hank has second thoughts) To be honest... he's a great kid. But in an emergency, I don't know.
Hank: I'm sorry, Bobby.
Bobby: (leaves his seat) What can I say? He's right.
Peggy: Now, you've killed Germans, you've killed Japanese. Which do you prefer?
- Peggy to Cotton:
Hank: The Hill brothers are on the case!
- While the Hills are away, Hank's asked Dale and Bill to get his paper while he's gone so they're not robbed. The two do so, but then realize that all the lights off could also attract burglars, so they break in themselves. Then they surmise that with all the lights on, the house looks empty, so they put on Hank and Peggy's clothes and pretend to live there. The payoff comes when Luanne, who's walking Ladybird, sees two strange people in the Hill house and calls 911. The cops show up and Dale tries to get them to leave by saying he's Hank Hill and that he's having sex with Peggy. As the two are pulled into the squad cars, Dale tells Boomhauer to get Hank's paper. Boomhauer, not even remotely phased by this scene, merely says "Yo."
- When Hank and his half-brother Junichiro are tracking Cotton, the latter gets a tip that Cotton is at the train station, where he bought a ticket and, according to the tipster, "dishonored a pay toilet".
Junichiro: Hai! (smiles)
Peggy: We would have invited you in for farewell tea. But as you will read in my article, these Japanese hotel rooms are horribly cramped.
- There's also the moment when Hank and Junichiro first meet, with the latter giving a complementary "HOAH!" to match Hank's signature "BWAA!"
- The small hotel room that the Hills stay in. Of note, Hank can't even leave unless Peggy moves her big feet out of the way of the door, and Hank takes a "shower" in the sink.
- Right before leaving the hotel:
Junichiro: (confused) Surely you did not spend entire vacation in sitting room?
(slides door open, revealing a much bigger hotel room. Also, the welcome bowl of fruit in the big room is now rotten)
- In "Get Your Freak Off": Hank attempting to sway Bobby's taste in music:Hank: When I was your age, we had these things called songs. They were two minute stories about people falling in love or burning down Georgia.
Dooley: I wanna go home.
- Hank cleaning Bobby's room of bad influences. Of note:
- "What is this SMUT you're listening to?!" "It's Radio Disney!"
- Hank holds up a naked Troll doll; Bobby shrugs. "Nudity!"
- Hank pulls the game console (where Bobby was playing a Tomb Raider-esque game) out of the room, and tells him, "Okay, have fun." The room is now pretty much empty.
- Dooley, after playing "Seven Minutes in Heaven" and emerging from the closet, disheveled:
- Peggy, Nancy, and Minh ranking the sexiness of the alley guys. According to Nancy and Minh, Hank is tied for the bottom with Bill.
- Hank cleaning Bobby's room of bad influences. Of note:
- "The Texas Skilsaw Massacre": Whenever we see Dale's crazy equipment or procedures around his house- like when Hank tried to turn off the TV in "The Texas Skillsaw Massacre", and an explosion erupts. "There goes the mailbox." Turns out, Dale rigged his and Hank's mailboxes to explode for some reason.
Dale: Objection conjecture! OBJECTURE!
- Dale represents himself at a trial:
Hank: That is not a word!
Dale: Oh God, he's on another rampage! Pray for us all!
- The tape measure retracting and hitting Bill in the balls.
- "Vision Quest":"Hey, Gribble... I can see your dad's junk."
- From "An Officer and a Gentle Boy":
- Cotton: Combat bowl? The only bowl he's supposed to make is from a hollowed-out skull! (waddles off and makes a funny noise)
- From "The Miseducation of Bobby Hill", there's Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer's failed homemade weather balloon, which ends with Bill getting tangled in a tree in Mexico and a bunch of hoodlum kids "mistaking" him for a piñata. When he makes it back, he limps over to them with his shirt mostly gone and a tattoo across his stomach, then hands Dale the balloons telling him "Your turn" before collapsing.
- "Be True to Your Fool": Dale trying to use his own pest-control chemicals to get rid of head-lice. It goes about as well as you'd expect.Dale: (Calmly) Hmm...Itching, burning, burning... more itching... tingling... blindness... itching, itching, burning... intense burning... Hank, get your hose. (Screams) NOW!
- In "Reborn to be Wild", Hank doesn't approve of Bobby's new found friend Pastor K, the lead singer of a Christian Rock band, which leads to this exchange.Pastor K: You people are all the same. You look at us and think we're freaks. Come on. Even Jesus had long hair!
Hank: Only because I wasn't his dad.
Father: What are you doing, Kevin? You forgot Number Five.◊
- Pastor's K's father has the entire ten commandments tattooed on his back.
- Kahn and Minh are watching and listening in on the Hills feuding on their lawn in "The Incredible Hank".Kahn: Why he point at his crotch like that?
Hank: You want me to put a patch on my what?!
Kahn: Okay, this is going in a weird direction.
Dale: So as it turns out, I'm not the real Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The real me is a superwarrior from the year 2087 sent back in time to get me (i.e. I) to help fight off the invading Mongolian armies.
- Also from that episode, Hank completely unravels Dale's crazy theory involving clones and Mongols. Curious how Hank manages to remember all that nonsense:
Hank: Dale, that's asinine. And here's four reasons why. One, you're not gonna clone a superwarrior out of a guy who can't win a thumb wrestling match.
Hank: Two, you've sworn your whole life that the robots will exterminate the clones by the end of 2010. So which is it? Robots or clones?
Dale: Well, I-
Hank: Three, you've already said that you sympathize with the invading Mongolian armies of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. (with a smirk) And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.
(Hank slugs Dale in shoulder. Boomhauer and Bill applaud.)
Dale: "AAAHH! It just hurts so DAMN much!!"
- And the gag of Dale inviting Joseph (who's dealing with his own excess of testosterone) to playfully tussle with him, only to get his ass royally kicked offscreen:
- "Ceci N'Est Pas Une King of the Hill":
- Washington. Hitler. Washington. Hitler.
- I call this "Industrial Penis #5".
- "That's What She Said": Dale has taken up chewing tobacco instead of smoking. It quickly grosses out everyone, including Nancy, who forces him to stuff the tobacco at the end of a roll of newspapers and inhale the vapors. Boomhauer suggests Dale light the newspaper on fire.Dale: Boomhauer, you're a genius! What should we call this new invention?
- "Hank's Back": Hank visiting John Redcorn for a massage to help his back. Both are extremely uncomfortable, and right before John lays his hands on him, Hank speaks up:Hank: I was also thinking about yoga.
John: (relieved) Yoga's great. Do it, man. Forget the massage.
- Joe Jack was practicing Yoga with Hank and Enrique and he said "I just felt my chakra open, honey."
- "A Rover Runs Through it": Hank is teased by some mountain men for supposedly being a spoiled softie from Hollywood. After numerous instances, Hank finally snaps:Guy: Enjoy your celebrity cocktail hour, Mr. Hollywood?
Hank: Dang it! I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I am not some redneck and I'm not a Hollywood jerk! I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated.
(the guys laugh again; Hank groans in annoyance)
- "Yard, She Blows!": When Peggy gets obsessed with lawn gnomes and Hank breaks one, he tries to replace it by going to a store that specializes in them and buying one. As he has been bombarded with the highly detailed world of lawn gnome collecting, he is deeply uncomfortable with being in the store. When he selects the last statue of a rare gnome model, the other customer who wants it accuses Hank of not knowing anything about lawn gnomes.Hank: No, I don't know anything about gnomes. I AM NOT A DORK! I SELL PROPANE!
Bobby: I shall call him 'VANDOR'!
- From the same episode:
Peggy: You will call him 'Winklebottom'!
- "Dale to the Chief": After one of Dale's ramblings, Hank says "Did you mean to put all those words in that order or did they just fall out like that?"
- In "The Petriot Act", Hank takes care of a pet in excitement after watching Bill enjoying taking care of a dog from a soldier. To his dismay, the pet turns out to be a super aggressive cat that makes his family's life a living hell. Amusing Injuries follow Hank, not to mention he's scammed multiple times for trying to take care of the animal.
Hank: Oh, my God! The cat has soiled in my shoes. Where is he?
- This moment especially:
Bobby: He's in my room. If I stop petting him, he'll bite me.
Hank: I've read that dossier cover-to-cover, and nowhere in it does it say anything about pooping in shoes!
- "Smoking and the Bandit": The newspaper article:Newspaper: According to the sheriff's department, one of the unexpected dangers of the smoking brouhaha is the possibility of copycat Smoking Bandits all over town.Sheriff: This could turn out to be a Snowball effect. Now I know a lot of you folks down here in Texas probably don't actually know what a snowball is, or what sort of effect it as, so I'll try to explain. See, a snowball is really just a small ball made up of snow, which is this cold white stuff that the folks up north are always complaining about. But, it's actually kind of fun once in a while, if you just remember that the snowball is more afraid of you then you are of it."
- "Gone with the Windstorm": This exchange:Nancy: Dale! Get out of the hot tub; we're stealing a news van!
Dale: It's the perfect crime. How will they ever report it?!
- From "It Ain't Over Till the Fat Neighbor Sings":Dale: BILL! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE PART OF A TWELVE-HEADED JACKASS!!! This! Chorus! Is the feces, that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity!! You people make me envy the DEAF AND THE BLIND!! ...Underwear...Money...FAT!!
- Dale was holding it in all episode and just let it all out. By the end, he's out of breath and ready to collapse. He has to wheeze for Hank to take over.
- The weird trilling noise that the chorus did in unison. So funny it was also used as the stinger.
- In "Bystand Me", Peggy accidentally wrote an article about mixing Ammonia and Bleach under the assumption of a powerful cleaning product. Hank told her in horror that she's basically telling everyone to make Mustard Gas, essentially killing hundreds, leading to Peggy letting out Hank's scream.Peggy: BWAHHH!
Hank: Bobby wake up!
- Immediately Hank wakes Bobby up to help them, earlier he's already mad at Bobby for ditching his Paperboy duties to Dale, but as Soon as Bobby wakes up and ready to do a Paperboy saying, Hank cuts him off.
Bobby: I'm Up, the "S" in service stands for-
Hank: Not now Bobby. Don't worry, your Mom screwed up this time, not you.
- It's even more interesting on how Hank knew how to make Mustard Gas, Cotton always made it on V-J Day (Victory over Japan Day).
- "Bill's House": A flu-ridden Hank heads to the truck to pick up a prescription. He's so weak that he just lays down next to the truck and falls asleep.
Peggy: Don't let go, don't let go.
- Bobby trying to teach Peggy to ride a bike. Pretty much the whole thing, but special mention goes to this gem.
Bobby lets go, and she rides off without any issues.
Dale: He let go!
Peggy screams, and crashes off screen. Bobby glares at Dale.
Dale: Well, you did.
- "Church Hopping": The Hills trying to find a new church after losing their usual seating spots at their local church. In Eduardo's Spanish church, the lack of a knee rest cushion makes Hank hit himself on the chin and fall down.
- Similar to the moment in "Hank's Bad Hair Day" listed above, the Hills try out a church that sings modern-style hymns. The song heard when they enter has the lyrics "Day by day..." They leave almost immediately.
- From "Blood and Sauce": Hank calling Gilbert out for yelling at Bill with this line, "I keep hearing about the 'Dauterive pride', but all I see are a crying drunk and an angry sissy. If you've got any real pride, stop kicking a man when he's down! You wanna talk more about this, you and I will do it outside!"
Bill: There's no one but us? But what about Aunt Esthme and Cousin Violetta?
- Gilbert making friends with the homeless man at the bus station.
- When Bill calls for his entire clan to come visit him to keep him company, Gilbert comes... and no one else does.
Gilbert: Aunt Esthme died of fever, Violetta died suddenly in her sleep - the swamp takes what it calls its own. Let me tell you of our ill-fated kin: (points at people in an old family photograph) consumption, drink, impostor, madhouse, public madhouse, barren, barren, barren - well, pretty much this whole left side. Leaving only us.
Bobby: Mr. Dauterive, there's a blender right there with a "chop" setting. I bet it could get through these onions in no time.Bill: (chuckles knowingly) Well, that's fine if I'm grinding up old sandwiches for breakfast hash, but as my Uncle Honore always said, "Shortcuts taste like un chien mort!note (spits) Eh?"
- Gilbert thinking Mr. Strickland's offer to take him to the French Quarter is a sexual come-on, and Buck backing out when he realizes what's going on. It's the subtext that makes this funny.
- Bill and Bobby discuss cooking.
- Gilbert, to Bill: "Shut down this WHOREHOUSE!" (cut to a guy quietly eating some barbecue next to the grill)
- "Hank Gets Dusted": When Hank's cousin Dusty and his crew can't decide on how to mess with Hank next, one of his friends decide if they should go after propane to further mess with him, Dusty knows better to not mess with propane.Dusty: Propane?! woah, you can only push a man so far.
- "Suite Smells of Excess": Hank is so impressed with Bobby making a good call on a football play that he lets him have a beer... but since he's underage he just lets him sniff it. That ends up being a good luck charm, so Hank holds the beer under Bobby's nose the whole game. Eventually Bobby gets queasy.Bobby: This smells like sick.
Peggy: WRAP HIM UP, COLLEGE BOY!!!
- Peggy's watching the game at home, and gets a little too into the game, trashing the living room when her team loses. There's also this line, which was also used as the episode's stinger:
- "Death Picks Cotton": Cotton managed to fake it at least twice beforehand. When he finally dies for real:Peggy: He's gone.
Hank: (beat) Are you sure?
- "Raise the Steaks": Hank doesn't like people who like their steaks cooked well-done.Hank: Firm but with a little give. Yep. These are medium-rare.
Bobby: What if somebody wants theirs well-done?
Hank: We ask them politely yet firmly to leave.
- "The Minh Who Knew Too Much": Minh joins Dale's gun club in order to train for a skeet-shooting contest. After she feels she is ready, she quits the club and mocks them for thinking she was their friend. Dale angrily launches her plaque into the air and opens fire on it... only to miss every shot. He and the rest of the club try it again and release their full salvo of bullets... and they still miss.
(looking at the luxurious pools) Good heavens, it's Atlantis!
- Earlier in the episode, when she's trying to get on the skeet team, and is talking to the lady in charge. Keep in mind, they're in the middle of a fancy country club.Minh: (pulls out a handgun) Name a target, I guarantee I nail it.
- When Dale's gun club decides to storm the country club to get back at Minh, they're blown away by the fanciness of the place and completely forget why they're there in the first place.
(one sticks his head in the pool and resurfaces) They got music under the water!
(they all stick their heads into the pool)
- While Minh is in the gun club, they teach her to "howl like a werewolf". At the end of the episode, after they've made up, she answers her cellphone and howls at them in greeting, forgetting that she's with the country clubbers, who all stare at her.
- Earlier in the episode, when she's trying to get on the skeet team, and is talking to the lady in charge. Keep in mind, they're in the middle of a fancy country club.
- "Dream Weaver": The video of Boomhauer, Bill and Kahn trying to recreate the wind blowing Bill's hat onto Kahn's head.
- In "Doggone Crazy", Hank and Peggy hear Ladybird barking late at night. Thinking that there is a robber inside the house, the two arm themselves: Hank with a golf club, and Peggy with a...
Dale: You know, all Hank needs to wear is a monocle to be Mr. Peanut.
- Hank trying to calm Ladybird down through the dog spiritualist's remedies. He has Hank walk Ladybird as if he was blind in front of his friends.
Peggy: Everyone, stay calm!
- And then when Ladybird is accidentally let loose at the local retirement center during a thunderstorm which makes her vicious and dangerous:
Old Man: We are calm.
Peggy: Well, you shouldn't be because there's a vicious dog on the loose!
- "Trans-Fascism": While running an illegal food truck, Hank has a nightmare where he's a crewman on a B-17 on a bombing run in World War 2, with the crew turning into Tom Landry (who was actually a B-17 pilot in real life), Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, who tell him he shouldn't be breaking the law.Hank: But that's what you all did. [to Washington] Mr. President, you were a loyal British subject until the pushed you too far. [to Lincoln] And you suspended Habeas Corpus during the Civil War. And Tom, you broke all the rules with your revolutionary flex defense.Washington: You're on a slippery slope, Hank. You're ignoring posted traffic laws.
Lincoln: And now Bobby is chewing gum.
Hank: But I thought you'd be proud.
Tom Landry: We're not, Hank.
Lincoln: Krauts! 2 o'clock high!
[Washington opens fire with his machine guns; their bomber is shot down]
- "Three Men and a Bastard": Dale, after figuring out that Bill's new girlfriend is the mother of Joseph's half-sister, seeks help from John Redcorn:Dale: John Redcorn! I bet you could romance a woman out of a relationship with a giant doofus!John Redcorn: Dale, are you asking me to steal your friend's companion?Dale: I don't want to see my child being raised by an IDIOT!John Redcorn: ....Yes, it's very difficult to watch an idiot raise your child.
- "Lady and Gentrification": "They put salmon in the fish tacos!"
- And, of course, the end result of his harebrained plan: "My DEEEEEW!!"
- "Behind Closed Doors": Peggy institutes a "no barriers" policy in the house in a misguided attempt to be closer to Hank and Bobby. At one point, we hear from off-screen:Bobby: I'm trying to take a shower and there's no curtain! Come on!
Hank: Grip it! Grip it! Why don't ya grip it?! Note
- This line from Hank, taken out of context, is hilarious:
- "Pour Some Sugar on Kahn": Kahn's...unique take on "Mickey".
- "Strangeness on a Train": Upon learning that Bobby, Connie, and Joseph are home alone:Joseph: We could pee in places where pee isn't supposed to go!
- "Uncool Customer": All of the scenes at The Arlen Barn.
- In "Nancy Does Dallas", she comes drunk to the parade she got into by accusing the top reporters of the Dallas news crew.Assistant: Ugh, are you drunk? We need to get makeup ready stat.
Nancy: (in a dark tone) I could have you killed.
- "Lucky See, Monkey Do": The Hills meet Lucky's sister Myrna. When Peggy offers to get them juice, Myrna says that they don't drink juice, they'll just have water and read a book. As they walk off, Bobby says "Those kids ain't right."
Luanne: I've decided that we're going to name her after something we both love... Lasagna. Lasagna Kleinschmidt.
- Hank: "I tell you what, this Goofus is a dumbass."
- Luanne has just given birth. She's very clearly been drugged:
Peggy: They gave you the good stuff, didn't they?
Luanne: No, we just like lasagna.
- "What Happens at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis Stays at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis": Hank's drunken rant against Buck:Hank: I'm not gonna say to... Hell, I am gonna say what I have been wanting to say! Buck Strickland is a monster! A drunk monster, Buck Strickland is nothing but a lecherous, disgusting bastard-making bastard. (slurred gibberish) And now, I'm going to vomit.
- In "When Joseph Met Lori, and Made Out with Her in the Janitor's Closet", Bobby tries to lie to cover up what Joseph did in the janitor's closet:Bobby: He was just, um, selling drugs.
Hank: That was an awful lie, son. Terrible.
- "To Sirloin With Love": This line:Hank: What you're seeing is team spirit. It's like the Holy Spirit, only more powerful.
- "But...Boomhauer's got a bad leg..."
- Pretty much any time Dale mentions that he thinks John Redcorn is gay.
- This PSA short that was shown in theatres in 2000 to help support the Will Rogers Institute. Just...watch it.