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Mistaken for Masturbating

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According to popular belief, some groups of people — teenagers, loners, men of all kinds — masturbate a great deal. A character who locks himself in the bathroom or in his bedroom, or does something under the cover of a sheet therefore raises the suspicion that he's masturbating, even when he's doing nothing of the kind. The character may well be hiding something else so carefully that he can't or won't clear up the misassumption. Hilarity ensues.

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Examples

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    Advertising 
  • One sporting goods web commercial begins with a man and his wife in bed. She tries to seduce him, but he's not in the mood and gets up to go downstairs. When she follows him down, she sees him from behind, sitting on the couch with his arm rhythmically pumping up and down. She bursts into tears and runs back upstairs. He just gives her a confused "What?" - and goes back to pumping up the soccer ball between his legs.
  • This banned ad from Bunker Footwear has a man watching a nature documentary where bears are mating, apparently masturbating to it. His girlfriend walks in, catching him and tells him to "fuck off!". Turns out, he's cleaning his boots with a brush.

    Anime & Manga 

    Comics 
  • Inverted in The Adventures of Barry Ween, Boy Genius by Judd Winick. When asked by his parents why he's been in the bathroom so long, he shouts back "I'm masturbating! Go away!!"; while trying to dispose of the results of his latest failed experiment (which stubbornly keeps trying to climb back out of the toilet).
  • Again inverted: in the Gen¹³ reboot by Gail Simone Grunge has been shown as being a geekish, mommy-boy kid. Wanting to "reinvent himself", he cleverly and systematically rebels against it, for example disposing of all his anti-asthma medications, vitamins and dietary supplements in the toilet while faking a double-entendre laced Immodest Orgasm just to mess with his family.
  • In Ultimate Spider-Man, Miles Morales is in his bedroom watching a recording of Peter Parker as Spider-Man fighting, and uses it to train. His mother enters the room and finds Miles sweaty, with his laptop open, and angry at her for entering without knocking. Guess what she thought he was doing...
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    Fan Works 
  • My Huntsman Academia
    • In "Box of Issues", Weiss notices that an unusual amount of sticky tissues have been going in the trash. She confronts Izuku about it, who admits that he's been using them a lot because leaving "it" alone is like leaving "an itch that you need to scratch". He then apologizes for doing "it" by Weiss's bed and getting some of "it" on her sheets. She then drops to her knees from shock. Meanwhile, Izuku is left wondering why she's reacting so badly to the fact that he's been sneezing and blowing his nose because of a cold.
    • In "Self-Experimentation", the girls get back from the shower and find Izuku sweaty and red-faced while hunched over his bed. Startled, he hurriedly exclaims that he was just "experimenting", only for the rest of his team to come to the conclusion that he was having A Date with Rosie Palms the way Kayama explained in class. In reality, he was just trying to push his ability to control One For All.
  • In Amazing Fantasy, Izuku is reluctant to explain how the costume he bought to train with Peter is giving him a rash in all sorts of sensitive areas. His beating around the bush leads Peter to this conclusion.
    Izuku: [motioning to his thighs] Um, Peter-san? Do you normally... become red? [blushes deeply]
    Peter: Huh? Um, kid, that's kinda not a thing you should be talking about with me.
    Izuku: [turns even redder] N-No!

    Film 
  • The scene from Transformers where Sam Witwicky's parents notice that he's hiding something from them in his bedroom. Sam (Shia LaBeouf) can't tell them that his 30-foot-high transforming robot buddies are right outside the window, of course, and so hurriedly tries to get them to leave the room. Sam's mother outright asks if he's masturbating. Sam and his father are appropriately horrified and tell her to stop. When the outrageously hot Mikaela (Megan Fox) pops out from his closet, they quickly end their suspicions and congratulate him. In the RiffTrax commentary, Bill Corbett's suggestion definitely outdoes Mrs. Witwicky's "Sam's Happy Time" euphemism: he casts his ballot for "LaBeouf Strokinoff."
  • There's Something About Mary: Ted Stroehmann is daydreaming in the bathroom but is accused of masturbating to Mary, who is changing clothes in a room in view. Hilarity Ensues.
  • In Mercury Man, Chan, in testing how his body becomes fiery hot whenever his heart beats fast, looks through a girlie mag and his clothes burn off — just as his mom walks in the room.
  • Kick-Ass 2 when Kick Ass is in his bedroom at home trying to loosen a stuck zipper on his old costume, his father walks in and thinks he's masturbating. He lets him think this rather than reveal his costume.
  • In Who's Harry Crumb?, the titular Harry Crumb gets soaked by lawn sprinklers and shakes his pants off facing away from the door whilst making noises, thus appearing to be jerking one out.
  • Briefly appears in The Amazing Spider Man 2, in which Peter Parker falls onto his bed after hanging on the ceiling as Spider-Man. Cut to Aunt May (who doesn't know Peter is Spider-Man) downstairs, hearing the noise which sounds very much like masturbation.
  • Spider-Man: Homecoming - Peter Parker's roommate Ned Leeds is the Secret Keeper turned Mission Control to the titular superhero - unfortunately all he has to work with are the school's computers, during prom, leading to a patrolling teacher finding him in there. The best excuse he can come up with?
    "I'm... looking at... porn."
  • Bad Kids Go to Hell: When Megan is doing her striptease, Matt is trying to close his zipper, which is stuck because of the wet paint that got spilled on it. However, his frantic tugging at his crotch makes it looks like he is doing something else; especially to Principal Nash.

    Literature 
  • In Theodore Sturgeon's post-apocalyptic story Thunder and Roses, the marine narrator thinks the creaking cot behind him is because his bunkmate is enjoying the singing star's broadcast immensely. The bunkmate is actually committing suicide.
  • In a variant, in The Throne Of Bones (no, not that kind), an in-universe author of horror stories complains that ignorant people sometimes assume his stories are for real. Among these is a tale in which he's harassed by a deformed monstrosity that arose from the semen he'd deposited while masturbating.

    Live-Action TV 
  • In one episode of Skins, Anwar's mother knocks on his bedroom door, asking "Anwar? Are you masturbating?" (He isn't.)
  • An episode of Modern Family had a couple debating whether to confront their son about his mysterious, private activity in his room. It turns out that he's... hanging upside-down to try to grow taller. The father scoffs at how much the son paid for the growth device - "He could have bought a 2-year subscription to Playboy with this!"
  • In an episode of Grey's Anatomy, George has a rash on his penis and is comparing it to pictures in a medical textbook in the bathroom. Izzy knocks on the door and, hearing George's strangled answer, assumes he's masturbating. Nothing he says changes her mind, including his insistence that he has a girlfriend, particularly when he yells out "I"m coming! I'm coming OUT!".
  • An episode of The Inbetweeners sees Neil thrown out of a nightclub because he is believed to have been masturbating in a urinal. In fact, he had been treating a cut on his genitalia. The reason was that he made some moaning sounds which was, of course, due to pain, but this wasn't obvious to the onlookers.
  • Jonathan Creek: In "The Sinner and the Sandman", Jonathan sprains his wrist while attempting to get ketchup out of a bottle. However, saying that he hurt his wrist "whacking the sauce bottle" and similar phrases causes The Vicar's wife to believe he is a chronic masturbator.
  • The Angel episode Spin the Bottle has the cast revert to their young selves, where a pre-vampire Liam locks himself in the bathroom and discovers he's a vampire present day by morphing and unmorphing his face, slowly at first, then faster. Cordelia hears the noise and guesses he's having A Date with Rosie Palms.
  • An inverted version on The IT Crowd: Roy grows obsessed with his girlfriend's bizarre story about her parents' deaths, and when she catches him researching the matter on his laptop late at night, he covers by quickly claiming that he was masturbating.
  • Father Ted: During an episode in which Ted tries to prove he's not a misogynist, he is asked to judge a beauty pageant and has to comment on the girls as they do their catwalks. Unfortunately, just prior to the announcements, he gets into a fight with father Jack, who punches him in the stomach. This results in a great deal of exhausted groaning and wheezing during the announcements. Let's just say it doesn't sound too good coming out of a loudspeaker...
  • On Kim's Convenience, Gerald hears Janet in her room moaning, along with a vibrating noise and assumes she's pleasuring herself. He continues to assume this when he hears Janet and her parents talking about "massage-kigae", only to find out that the "massage-kigae" is just a neck massager.
  • Cobra Kai: Miguel is doing calisthenics in his room. Grandma Rosa hears his exertions, and, between that and Miguel's insistence that he'll soon be done, draws her own conclusions.
    Tocarse... (Jacking off...)

    Stand-Up Comedy 
  • Billy Connolly in one of his videotaped stand-up comedy performances inverts the trope by offering a sure-fire way to get out of being caught in the middle of dating Rosie Palms: begin with exclaiming, "Thank god you're here!" Then begin explaining that you'd just been reading about one of those big spiders that attaches itself to the genitals, and just as you were reading, sure enough, there was one of these spiders about to dig in, so you had to whack at it with your hand - repeatedly - to make it go away. Research as to the effectiveness of this excuse is inconclusive.
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    Video Games 
  • One of the video recordings in Persona 3 shows Fuuka using a stomach slimmer that goes into overdrive, tickling her uncontrollably. At that moment Mitsuru knocks on Fuuka's door to hear her panting and hurriedly shout "I'm coming!", complete with humming sound in the background...

    Web Original 
  • Ghost will sometimes assume a caller is "playin' with their peter-popper" if they do not respond when brought on
  • 5 Second Films brings us their sketch Goin' Solo.
  • In one of the The G Mod Idiot Box sketches, the Heavy is playing poker with Max, and is annoyed by how much Max is talking. He tries to hit a button underneath the table that will shut Max up but misses. Quite a bit. Max...interprets it as something else.
  • The Will & Ivo Show episode "Study Group," found here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVi1xuC_eHw
    • Deconstructed by the Ivo character later in the same episode.
  • Inverted in This Not Always Right story, where a teen boy's mother refuses to believe he's engaging in such an activity (that he himself admitted to!) and insists that he has to have had a seizure of some kind. The poor kid ends up getting taken to the emergency room when the mother refuses to cave and released quickly because there really wasn't anything to treat.
  • Smosh tends to do this joke a lot in some of their videos, purely for laughs.
  • The NSCL shaking his phone rapidly in the review of the Hyperdimension Neptunia app. Noire exclaims "That's gross!", as the app is programmed to associate the rapid movement with...something else.
  • This is the cause of the main character's death in the upcoming Youtube show Ghostmates. After a fight with his girlfriend, she closes the door, except his tie gets caught in it and he starts choking. While reaching around for anything that could help, he hits the remote and turns on the TV to a dirty movie. Somehow his pants fall down. He's left shouting to a funeral parlor that can't perceive him that he didn't die doing that.
  • Fat, French and Fabulous has Han Van Meegeeren, a notable 20th-century art forger whose parents disapproved of his interest in art, furiously painting alone in his room.
    "Han, what are you doing in there?"
    "I'm- I'm masturbating. Don't come in here!"

    Western Animation 
  • In “The Fortune Teller” episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender, protagonist Aang is headed back from the bathroom when he hears his crush Katara talking to the titular fortune teller. He eavesdrops onto their conversation in which Katara is told she’s going to marry a powerful bender. Katara’s brother Sokka catches him with a goofy grin on his face. For the record, Aang was correct in assuming that he’s the powerful bender that she will marry.
    Sokka: Looks like someone had a pretty good bathroom break.
    Aang: Y-yeah... when I was in there...
    Sokka: I don't even want to know.
  • Family Guy:
    • Chris was once really just using the bathroom, but his Holier Than Thou grandfather assumed he was masturbating and railed against its sinfulness, making poor Chris too scared to use the bathroom for the remainder of the episode.
      Chris: God's watching me do Number Two? Aw man, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert!
    • After Chris is caught peeping in the girls' locker room, Peter approaches Chris' room, and there's a rapid thumping sound. Peter knocks and Chris yells at him to go away and come back later. Peter enters anyway and... Chris is playing with a ball and paddle. "Aww, I was going for a new record!" Peter then takes the paddle and sits Chris down to tell him that what he did was wrong before giving him his porn collection so he can look at naked women in a more acceptable way. Peter leaves and the thumping sound comes back... except Peter realizes he's still holding the paddle.
  • In The Simpsons episode "Like Father Like Clown", it is implied that Krusty's father thinks he is masturbating in the bathroom, it turns out he was doing a comedy routine with a spray bottle. Which to his father is just as bad.
    Krusty: Close the door!
  • King of the Hill:
    • In "The Son Also Roses", Hank is suspicious as to why Bobby is spending so much time in his bedroom closet; it is implied that he thinks he is doing this, but he is actually growing roses and he's hiding it because he didn't want Hank to find out.
    • In "Hank's Dirty Laundry", Hank's credit card is falsely charged for supposedly renting and never returning a porn film. An anonymous benefactor (Bill) leaves Hank a stack of porn films and a note saying that evidence proving his innocence is somewhere within them. Hank watches the films while taking notes with a pen and paper, only for the pen to stop working at one point. Peggy walks in just as Hank is shaking the pen trying to get it to work again, but from her perspective, he appears to be masturbating.
  • In The Venture Bros., Dean practises kissing on his hand while imagining it's Triana, which leads to a misunderstanding with his father:
    Dr. Venture: (knocking on bathroom door) Dean, what the hell are you doing in there? I need to take a shower!
    Dr. Venture: (recoiling) Nevermind, Dean.
  • In the Gravity Falls episode "Soos and the Real Girl" Soos is on a date with a girl named Melody. While on his date, he suddenly rushes off claiming "I need to go to the bathroom for a long time... But not in a weird way!" Yes, it is major Getting Crap Past the Radar.
  • In The Amazing World of Gumball, when Gumball and Hot Dog Guy, who end up having lots of weird cringey moments when they're around each other, wind up in bathroom stalls next to each other, Gumball takes loud, deep breaths to calm himself down, prompting Hot Dog Guy to think "What is he doing in there?!"

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