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Everything Is Great!
- Eleanor's story:
- All the progress she made having been erased, Eleanor has returned to forgetting people's personal details within seconds.Eleanor: Hey lady? Can you come back? Jjjoey? Janine? J, Zsa Zsa? Ghhh, why don't I ever listen to people when they talk about themselves? No, it's annoying, and I'm right not to. Okay, Chidi, where are you. Or what are you. A type of soup, maybe?
- Eleanor ventures out into the neighborhood to begin her search.Eleanor: Hi there! I'm Eleanor.
Nina: Nice to meet you, Eleanor. I'm Nina; this is my soulmate Bart.
Eleanor: Love it. Love learning people's names, and love learning all about them. Where are you all from?
Bart: Well, oddly enough, I was born in Mozambique.
Eleanor: [interrupting] Cool. Do you guys know if there's like a neighborhood phonebook with everybody's name listed in it?
Nina: Oh, I don't think so, 'cause, I mean, there's no phones here! [laughs]
Eleanor: There are no phones here? [Bart shakes his head] 'Course. Duh! [all three laugh] There's no use for 'em! I always preferred talking to people anyway. People... are like nature's apps.
- When Eleanor runs into Jason, he gives her a bicycle gear. She spends most of the episode convinced it's a magic amulet.
- When Michael tells Eleanor that the work she did as an environmental activist was extraordinary, she replies that she can honestly say that she loved mushrooms. Moreover, she seems to only realize she can do so halfway through saying it, and seems genuinely pleased.
- Michael asks her to say a few words at the night's welcome party, being the "number one point-getter" in the neighborhood.Eleanor: How can I say no? [laughs] Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no. But if I can, Michael, I'm saying no.
Michael: Okay, so, you'll speak for... maybe an hour? Or so? Hey, you know what, I, uh, got you a little something to wear, here. Now all the top point-getters wear these on their first night.
Eleanor: [opens box] Oh, you gotta be forking kidding me.
[cut to Eleanor wearing a sash reading "BEST PERSON"]
- "So, long story short, my heart is in the Pope, my liver's in the Dalai Lama, and my teeth were strung into a necklace for a child king in French Polynesia. But it got me into the Good Place, so, can't complain."
- Eleanor tries again to tell Chris that she doesn't belong in the Good Place. He strips off his tuxedo shirt and jacket and leaves for the gym... at night. In the middle of a fancy party.
- Eleanor declines to drink before her big speech on the grounds that she needs to keep a clear head. "Can you imagine getting drunk before a big speech? Getting kicked out of your niece's christening and then, only later, once you've sobered up, realize you don't even have a niece? It's like, who was that kid."
- Eleanor finally finds Chidi when Angélique says his name in her earshot.Eleanor: Hi! Is your name Chidi?
Eleanor: [pumps fist] Aah! I knew you weren't a soup!
- All the progress she made having been erased, Eleanor has returned to forgetting people's personal details within seconds.
- Chidi's story:
- Upon learning that he is in the afterlife, Chidi is excited to have various meals with various philosophers. Unfortunately:Michael: I'm sorry, Chidi, a-a-all the great philosophers in history ended up in the Bad Place.
Chidi: All of my heroes are...
Michael: Being tortured, yes, I'm afraid so. Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school... naked. And then they take a test in a class they've never been to. [chuckles; realizes Chidi isn't laughing and quickly sobers] And then they smash them with hammers, and that part is not so clever.
- Michael explains that Chidi's soulmate situation is unusual.Chidi: Ohhh, no. I don't have one, do I? That's fine, I mean, who needs a soulmate, anyway? My soulmate will be... [Beat] books.
Michael: It's a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow or someone on the internet saying "You know what, you've convinced me I was wrong".
- In order to play on his inability to make any kind of decision whatsoever, Michael claims Chidi and another resident, Pedro, have been matched with Angélique and Pevita with exactly equal suitability, and he has to choose between them.
Chidi: Cooool beans. One second, guys. [turns to Michael] Um, so, so, so, yeah, so, making decisions, isn't necessarily my strong suit.
Michael: I know that, buddy. You, you once had a panic attack at a 'make your own sundae' bar.
Chidi: There were too many toppings. And very early in the process you had to commit to a chocolate palate or a fruit palate, and if you couldn't decide you wound up with kiwi-Junior-Mint-raisin, and it just ruins everyone's night.
Chidi: So, I can't believe you studied in Brisbane; we must have just missed each other. What was your thesis on?
- Chidi has a conversation with each woman to determine who he feels would be a better match.
Angélique: Oh, gosh. It was so boring. It was called "Cultural Relativism and Moral Absolutism: An Exploration of Values As Seen Through the Works of Alain LeRoy [Chidi finishes the sentence along with her] Locke and Immanuel Kant! Shut up, you read it?
Chidi: No, but that pairing is the most obvious pairing to employ in a paper with that title, and I wanna read it so bad!
Chidi: What about Morocco? You ever travel there?
Pevita: [long pause] No.
Chidi: [Beat] What about anywhere else? You, you been... anywhere else?
- At the party:Chidi: This is fun. It's a fun party. There's no question about it, this is a fun... situation. [sees Angélique and Pedro] Hey, you guys are here. The fun continues; nay, increases.
Angélique: You two look nice.
Chidi: Thanks! And you look... ffffine. Would I, would I say you look better than anyone else here? No, I wouldn't say that. Do you... look bad? No. But good, would I go so far as to say that you look good? Doubtful. [sees Janet] Hey, wine. Mmm. Uh. Do I feel like red or white?
Pevita: Oh, deep down in your heart of hearts you probably already know which one you want.
[Chidi frowns; uncomfortable silence]
Janet: Why isn't anyone talking.
Chidi: Janet, could you show me to the bar, please.
- Vicky, as Denise, limps up to Chidi.Vicky: Oh, hey! Chidi, right? Denise. We met earlier, remember?
Chidi: Oh! Yeah, hi. Are you limping?
Vicky: Yeah, I am. Crazy story. See, I was a trapeze artist in an illegal circus in Bangladesh-
Chidi: [interrupting] Angélique.
Angélique: Hey. How are you doing?
[Vicky looks between them, frustrated, rolls her eyes, and limps away]
Chidi: Oh, well, uh, heh, you know, um, stomach's in knots, I'm stress-grinding my teeth, and it feels like my soul is being suffocated, you know, just your standard paradise stuff.
- This time, Eleanor and Chidi's conversation goes beyond the dramatic line it ended on the first time.Eleanor: Listen to me very carefully. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. We need to talk.
Chidi: About what?
Eleanor: Just shut your mouth, smile at me, and walk over here.
Chidi: Okay, you're definitely my least favorite person I've met so far.
- Barely twenty seconds after dismissing Janet by name:Eleanor: For some reason, at some point, I put this note into... that... whatever-lady's robot mouth.
Chidi: You already forgot her name?
Eleanor: No I didn't. Her name... is... [Beat, then triumphantly] Janet.
Janet: Hi there.
Eleanor: [gasps] Fork off!
- "Something very strange is going on here, and the only person I trust is me, and me told me to find you."
- Upon learning that he is in the afterlife, Chidi is excited to have various meals with various philosophers. Unfortunately:
- Tahani's story:
- Tahani is introduced to her new soulmate, who stands up to kiss her hand.Tomás: It's lovely to meet you, Tahani.
Tahani: Charmed, I'm short. [horrifed realization] I'm sorry, did I just say "short"? I-I meant to say "charmed, I'm sure", of course, because I am charmed to meet you, it's just an unfortunate Freudian short. [giggles; to Michael] Shall we? [Michael starts walking] So where did you attend medical short?
- Michael leads them to their house, a tiny bungalow.Michael: So. This is the living room, as well as the kitchen and the bedroom.
Tahani: It's so... cozy. [laughs] I feel like the walls are are just hugging me. [Michael and Tahani laugh]
Tomás: Michael, I don't mean to be rude, but this is simply absurd.
Tahani: Yes, thank you. I didn't want to say anything, but...
Tomás: There's only two of us, and we don't need all this space.
Tahani: "All this space"?
Michael: Oh, of course, you two humanitarians don't want anything so extravagant. I'll just get rid of the second floor. [points at a staircase, which folds itself up and disappears]
- Tahani immediately walks into the lampshade.Tahani: Fun. I daresay even quite charm...in...oh, no. [looks at an enormous picture of Kamilah hanging on the wall]
Tomás: What's the matter?
Tahani: Sorry, it's just a... self-portrait of my... my sister. Wonderful.
Tomás: Your sister is Kamilah Al-Jamil? I used to play her music for my patients! At times, it felt like Kamilah's songs were curing the malaria for us.
Tahani: Great. Well, I best be getting changed for tonight. Can hardly wear a day dress to an evening event.
Tomás: Sounds good. I'm ready whenever you are.
Tahani: [looking at his clothes] Is that... what you're wearing?
Tomás: Oh yeah. My years treating remote villagers taught me to favor comfort over style. But you should wear whatever you prefer.
Tahani: Well. I mean. As- as we are soulmates, perhaps I, I should also... dress... down.
[cut to Tahani at the party, wearing a denim jacket, cargo pants, and Crocs]
- Tahani immediately walks into the lampshade.
- Tahani is unclear on whether a female plumber is called a "plumberess", a "toilet sweep", or a "clog wench".Tahani: In any case, that's how I'm dressed.
Tomás: My darling. You are in the Good Place. Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why Crocs have holes in them! I'll get us a drink. Lower that beautiful face for me, won't you? [Tahani leans down] Lower, lower, lower, lower, lower- [jumps up to plant a kiss on her cheek]
- Tahani explains to Michael that "a few aspects of [her] day have been... sub-optimal."Tahani: Well, my house is a bit small - which is... fine, it's just... not what I'm used to. And Tomás is lovely, but we haven't really "clicked" yet, to use a mundane colloquialism... [chuckles] Which I suppose I should do, now that I'm wearing... [voice breaking] cargo pants.
- Michael explains that, if she wants her house to be bigger, she simply has to ask.Michael: Do you want something... [looks around at mansion] this big? Or maybe bigger, like the Taj Mahal. Oh, I know, I know. How about a moon? Would you like to live on your own private moon?
- [feeling Tahani's jacket] "Wow. That is rough."
- When Eleanor finds Chidi, she shoves the shots she was preparing toward Tahani. She attempts to refuse, and another resident approaches her.Glenn: He-he-he-heyyy, twinsies!
Tahani: I'm sorry?
Glenn: Look! Cargo pants buddies! [Tahani sighs] I bet we have a lot in common! I was a garbage man in Winnipeg; how about you?
Tahani: Okay. [mouths something and downs two shots]
Glenn: Crocs also?
- Tahani is introduced to her new soulmate, who stands up to kiss her hand.
- Jason's story:
- Michael explains to Jason that everyone in the Good Place has a soulmate.Michael: Now, some of the pairings are platonic, some are romantic, but what you have with your soulmate is unique: You have a spiritual connection that transcends the physical realm.
[Jason looks confused]
Michael: This person's going to be your best bud.
[Jason gives a goofy smile]
- "Okay, I'm gonna let you two get acquainted. I'm sure you have a lot to not talk about. [chuckles] Because... Well, you get it, you get it."
- Luang creates an expert zen garden with perfectly-balanced towers of stones. Jason arranges his into the word "BOOBS".
- Jason distracts Luang by sending him to get a kite, then dismantles his bike, handing a gear to Eleanor to prevent its reassembly. He makes his getaway and returns to their yurt, only to find Luang already waiting for him.
- Michael introduces Jason and Luang to Janet, telling them that she can get literally anything they want, but of couse they won't want anything because they're perfectly content. Then he has her fetch them two glasses of yak's milk, of which Jason takes a single sip and spits it straight back into the glass.
- Michael explains to Jason that everyone in the Good Place has a soulmate.
- Michael's story:
- Michael calls Shawn:Michael: There he is! How's it going, boss man?
Shawn: Enough chit-chat. Is everything in place for Version #2?
Michael: Yep. We're keeping everything from Version #1 that made them miserable and adding a bunch of new stuff that they'll hate. For example, all the coffee is from those little pods. [laughs] Diabolical!
[Shawn looks unamused]
Michael: Plus, they will all have new soulmates, of course. You gotta trust me on this, boss; I've thought of everything. I won't let you down.
Shawn: I think you will. I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail. I think you're going to be retired, eliminated from existence, and burned on the surface of a billion suns. And I have no doubt that you and your cockamamie experiment will go down in history as colossal failures.
Michael: You know, I think if you-
Shawn: Toodle-oo. [call ends]
- Michael makes the mistake of saying that they "bit off more than they could chew" in Attempt #1.Chuck: We could bite them? I didn't know we were allowed to bite them!
Michael: That's an expression, Chuck.
- Vicky's complaint, meanwhile, is about her new character.Vicky: I feel like I got Real Eleanor. Like, I got her, you know?
Vicky: But this new character, Denise, I mean, who is she? I don't get her! Is she a quirky-best-friend type, or more of a, a femme-fatale sexuality-as-her-weapon-of-choice type?
Michael: Both-both those things.
Chuck: I have some questions about my character too, like... can he bite them?
- "There are gonna be days when you're just sick of being around these disgusting humans with their weird, gross little mouths and their stupid elbows."
- Among the many tortures in the traditional Bad Place are the pulling out of fingernails, "acid pits", and the charmingly-named "penis flattener".
- "So. Torture on three. Ready? One, two, three."Crowd: TORTURE!
Chuck: And biting!
Michael: Nope! No.
- At the party, Vicky pulls Michael aside.Vicky: It just feels like I used to be Real Eleanor, and now I'm Denise.
Michael: Denise is a good part, with a, a great backstory. You run the best pizza place in the neighborhood. You have a cat, and that's cool.
Vicky: I took this job because it seemed fun, and different, and in the original version I got to break Chidi's heart like twenty times, and it was great, I mean he was miserable. And now, Angélique gets to torture him? Angélique is a hack! I can act circles around her. But I have nothing to do! I am a Ferrari, okay? And you don't keep a Ferarri in the garage.
Michael: I hear your concern. I do. And I promise you, there is a great arc coming for Denise the pizza lady in about eighty years or so. [Vicky sighs] Chidi is going to accidentally kill your cat. It's gonna give you a great chance to shine.
Vicky: Can I just have something that makes me stand out? A, a mysterious past, or... a limp! I want a limp.
Michael: This is supposed to be the Good Place, why would you- ...Okay, I, no, I hear you. I'll tell you what. Go nuts, alright? Limp your heart out.
- "Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test!"
- Michael trying to regain control of the situation:Michael: You lost Jason? How's that even possible? Your only job is to stand next to that idiot!
Luang: I got distracted by the fire! I love fire! You know, my main job is to burn people, with fire.
Chris: [enters] 'sup, guys.
Michael: What are you doing here, w-why aren't you with Eleanor.
Chris: Oh, I told her I was going to the gym again.
Michael: Why would you say that in the middle of a party?
Chris: You told me to.
Michael: No I didn't!
Chris: You said if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her, like saying "I'm going to the gym", so that's what I've been saying.
Michael: That was a suggestion of the type of thing you could say! Don't- ...How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym.
Chris: Five. No, nine.
Michael: You dimwit.
- Chris complains that he preferred his old job in the "Twisting Department" to this "weird" one, and then storms out.Chris: It's all talk, no twisting! So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else! [strips off shirt] I'm going to the gym!
Michael: Fine, yeah, you do that! You go to the gym! Okay, we can still pull this off, we just need to find the four humans, okay? [claps] Okay. [nobody moves; Michael chuckles] Right now. [nobody moves] Everyone in this room, find those four humans!
- Michael calls Shawn:
- Everybody's story:
- "I know you're probably not a magic wizard trapped in an amulet, but if you are, please get me out of this speech."
- Eleanor reluctantly begins her speech.Eleanor: The dictionary defines "best" as being-
Tahani: [audibly drunk, shoves Eleanor aside] Oh God, boring! I'd like to say a few words, if nobody minds!
Eleanor: [whispers to gear] Thank you, wizard.
Tahani: I am Tahani; Tahani am me. And even though I wasn't the [sarcastic] "number one point-getter", I just wanted to welcome you all to the neighborhood. You all look so beautiful tonight, with your regular-sized pockets and... regular-sized soulmates. Oh, no offense, darling, wherever you are. [Tomás waves in the crowd] Probably somewhere down there.
Michael: [to Eleanor, quietly] Why don't you try to ease her off the stage and take over yourself.
Tahani: The point is, we're all good people, right? We all did the right thing, whenever we could? And that's why it's so nice to be here among you, in this massive house, that I want. I want this house. Give it! [laughs] No, I'm just kidding. But really, give me the house.
Eleanor: [gently] Hey there, hot stuff. Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Tahani: Get your hands off me! Oh, you think you're better than I am, don't you, just 'cause you're wearing that. Look at that terrible placement and angle! Is this your first time ever wearing a sash?
Eleanor: Yeah, it is, but I think if we all just-
Tahani: Well, give it to me then! [tears off Eleanor's sash, unbalancing herself and falling into the shrimp display, which itself falls over and sets a curtain on fire]
Eleanor: I got her off the stage!
Michael: Tahani? Are you alright?
Tahani: Yes, fine. Never better. Top of my game, actually. You'll have to excuse me, 'cause I've got to go, so. Oh look! [pulls a shrimp out of her pocket] I've got some shrimp. [tearing up] In one of my many, many cargo pants pockets. [sobs]
Michael: What the fork is happening?
- Chidi pulls Eleanor aside.Chidi: I know that book.
Eleanor: Is that some kind of nerd pick-up line? Because it's only kind of working.
Chidi: I have never seen you before in my life, but... I think... somehow, that we know each other.
Eleanor: [Beat] That definitely sounded like a pick-up line. And I'm not not interested, but we need to figure this out first.
- Chidi wonders if his knowing Eleanor, who is not supposed to be in the Good Place, means he isn't supposed to be there either.Eleanor: I don't know, dude. Were you a good person on Earth?
Chidi: I, I think so? I spent my life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the univ- [gasps] Oh, no! [Eleanor sits up in shock] I used almond milk in my coffee, even though I knew about the negative environmental impact.
- Jason thinks he's living in a "yogurt".Janet: A yurt.
Jason: Oh yeah, "yurt" for short.
[Janet looks confused]
- Not wanting to go back to his "yogurt", Jason asks if he can instead go to Janet's house.Janet: I don't have a house, Jason. I live in a boundless void.
Jason: Can I go there?
Janet: No. It's a boundless void.
- "Okay, so if we got all the way to Scanlon we must've been studying very intensely for a very long time. Or, you grabbed a random book of mine and just tore a page out." "I'm gonna be honest, that sounds more like me."
- "I made a complete fool of myself tonight! I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants, which... I have to admit are quite comfortable... Oh God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates!"
- "That's her soulmate? Is there a second one of him that stands on his shoulders?"
- Janet brings Jason in to see Eleanor.Janet: Hey Eleanor! This person would like to speak with you. Privately. About something.
Eleanor: Oh really?
Janet: Yup. Bye! [chimes and disappears]
Eleanor: [to Chidi] This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means; could be the key to this entire mystery.
Michael: Luang, perfect. Um. Why don't you take, uh, Jianyu back to your yurt, right away.
Jason: Homie, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser! You said he was gonna be my best friend but he is not. [Michael removes his glasses and facepalms] My best friend, from Jacksonville, was named Pillboi, and he was dope. We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.
Eleanor: Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.
- After seeing Tomás and Pevita give precisely the same line as they enter, Eleanor has caught on to the script.Chris: Babe, there you are. I've been worried-
Eleanor: Lemme stop you. Can I guess? You've been worried sick about me.
Chris: [Beat] I'm headed to the gym. [strips off shirt]
Michael: Sure. Why not?
Tahani: I am quite confused.
Eleanor: Lemme explain, gorgeous. I don't know what this place is, but it is certainly not the Good Place.
[Michael gives a look of deeply resigned, sarcastic frustration]
- As Michael is giving a pep-talk to the assembled demons for Attempt #3:Michael: I take full responsibility for the false start. But I assure you all, there is no note this time. I'll prove it to you. Janet!
Janet: [chimes and appears] Hi there.
Michael: Hi Janet. Open your mouth, please.
[Janet opens her mouth impossibly wide and Michael puts his entire arm inside down to the shoulder]
- "So, anyone else? [Vicky raises her hand] Anybody? [Vicky looks around] No? Then let's get out there and make some miseries!"
- While calling Shawn, Michael hears screaming in the background.Michael: Oh, sounds like everything's going well back there, too.
Shawn: We're trying out the new butthole spiders.
Shawn: They're enormous.
- After the Reveal from last season, watching Michael and all the other residents giving each other the thumbs-up and other signs while they're trying get Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani and Jason to follow the directions.
Dance Dance Resolution
- Michael tells himself that, once he successfully pulls off his "Good Place" plan, "they're gonna hang my picture in the Bad Place Hall of Fame right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth."
- At the party, Tahani asks Eleanor about her sash.Tahani: I always have to have my sashes custom-made, due to my height and bosom size.
[Eleanor looks at Tahani's bosom]
Tahani: Also, apparently sashes are out this season! Diagonal line really draws one's eye to the chin-bloat. [walks away from an offended Eleanor]
Eleanor: Go fork yourself, you mean giraffe!
- During the chaos sequence the next day, Michael pauses in his running and screaming to specifically tell Eleanor that "Mean giraffes are destroying the neighborhood."
- Eleanor calls for "robot slave lady" and "busty Alexa" before finally remembering Janet's name and immediately startling when she appears behind her.
- Eleanor asks Janet what a person might do if they wanted to become even more good.Eleanor: Is one of these nerds like a teacher or a life coach or an Instagram fitness model or something?
- Eleanor never manages to remember Chidi's name when having Janet introduce them, but mangles it differently each time.Eleanor: Hang on one second, Chibi.Eleanor: Hang on one second, Cheeto.Eleanor: Hang on one second, Chili. [to Janet] This guy sucks. Who else you got?
Chidi: I can hear you.
- Attempt #3 features a completely over-the-top Obviously Evil black-and-glowing-red obelisk inscribed with strange runes and constantly emitting fog, ostensibly sent to reclaim Eleanor for the Bad Place.Jianyu: I can't go! I'm too young to die! And too old to eat off the kids' menu! What a stupid age I am!
Tahani: I'd never survive down there! They should take Eleanor! She's a pear shape, she'd fit right in!
Eleanor: Oh, excuse me, you wish you could have a bite of this pear.
- When Eleanor realizes once again that they are in the Bad Place, Michael briefly attempts to laugh it off, gives up, announces "Ah, farts", and resets them again.
- In Attempt #11, Eleanor's soulmate is a... musician, if the word is used somewhat loosely. And his backing instrumentalists: Michael, in dark glasses and a suit, on bass; Janet, in dark glasses and a wig, on drums; and Vicky. On triangle.Sebastian: [to jazzy music] My love, my sweet dewdrop. I have written you a three-hour spoken-word jazz opera.
Sebastian: [singing] Eleanor, less and more, who's it for? For you, my dewdrop, cream of the crop, to the bop to the bop to the bop to the top-
Eleanor: Okay, no.
Eleanor: No. No version of Heaven, for anyone, would ever include three hours of... this. We're in the Bad Place, aren't we?
Michael: [throws away his fedora] Dammit. That was a real trip for biscuits, and now we're all wet, daddy-o.
Vicky: I never even got to play my stupid triangle.
- The montages of the various reboots and attempts.
- Michael resetting Janet.Janet: No, no, no, no, Michael, please, please, please! Please don't kill me, I have so much to live for!
Michael: I'm sorry, Janet. Gotta reboot you every time I start over.
Janet: [cheerful] Oh, I know. I'm not actually upset. It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism that kicks in every time you approach the plunger. Go ahead. [chuckles; Michael reaches toward the button] Michael, you monster!
Janet: Michael, Michael, if I'm gone, who will take care of my birds?
Janet: Michael, no no no no no, I, I, I'm pregnant! [holding up an ultrasound image] And it's your baby!
Janet: I have tickets to Hamilton next week! And there's a rumor that Daveed Diggs is coming back!
Michael: Janet, we've been through this hundreds of times. I mean, can you, just, chill out? Is that possible, Janet? Can you just chill out a little?
Janet: Nope. It's gonna be the same every time.
Michael: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Janet: No no no - no, Michael!
- Eleanor's soulmates.Michael, Attempt #127: This is your soulmate, Greg.
Michael, Attempt #146: This is your soulmate, Glenn.
Michael, Attempt #218: This is your soulmate, Tahani. [Tahani poses]
Michael, Attempt #291: This is your soulmate, Lerf.
Michael, Attempt #333: This is your soulmate, a golden retriever.
- Eleanor figuring out she's in the Bad Place.Eleanor: [at the party wearing her "Best Person" sash] Hang on!
Eleanor: [sitting among the crowd of residents in the town square] Wait a minute.
Eleanor: [on a farm, wearing a cowboy hat, while Chidi struggles to keep a hold on a lassoed pig] You know what?
Eleanor: [a group of monks walking on a bridge, Eleanor among them] Holy smokes.
Eleanor: [in the crowd] This is the Bad Place!
Eleanor: [with the monks] This is the Bad Place!
Eleanor: [in the middle of a field of various enormous cacti, holding a huge bunch of balloons] This is the Bad Place!
Eleanor: [on the farm] This is the Bad Place!
Chidi: [being investigated by the pig] The pig's getting angry!
Eleanor: [in a field of grass, in front of a tree with a giant ladybird on it] This is the Bad Place!
Chidi: [runs onto screen chased by a swarm] Bees! Bees! Bees! Bees!
Eleanor: [in some kind of clown factory that very much resembles her house, hiding behind a window with Chidi, Tahani, and Jason] Oh, this is the Bad Place!
Chidi and Tahani: Would you-shhhhh!
- The various restaurants, each time with a different theme. The episode writer posted a longer list of proposed names, including many that didn't make it into the episode.Pasta theme: "Lasagne Come Out Tomorrow", "Ziti of Stars", "(You Do the) Hokey Gnocchi (and You Get Yourself Some Food)", "The Pesto's Yet to Come"
Baked goods theme: "Cake Canaveral", "Knish From a Rose", "Cruller Intentions", "Biscotti Pippen", "Beignet and the Jets"
Food-on-a-stick theme: "Steak on a Stick" ("Extra sticks"), "Hot Dog on a Stick on a Stick", "Caviar on a Stick", "Bagel on a Stick"
Japanese theme: "Sushi and the Banshees" and "Ponzu Scheme"
Outside the montage, "Chicken Soup for the Mouth" and "From Schmear to Eternity" can also be seen.
- Michael resetting Janet.
- In Attempt #108, Michael is making observations to his audio log when Eleanor discovers she's in The Bad Place when she walks in because the door was open and she overheard. He immediately resets, and on Attempt #109 notes aloud that he's closed and locked the door. Then looks over at it, just to make sure.
- In Attempt #484, Michael just gives up entirely and rants to his tape recorder.Michael: [with unkempt facial hair and bow tie askew, in his stress hoodie, pouring a glass of alcohol] I mean, why even bother at this point? I'm obviously never gonna get it right. [mocking] "I'm Eleanor! I'm so smart! I'm actually in the Bad Place! Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh!" Shawn still thinks I'm on Version #2. I just keep lying to him, it's really bad but I... I mean I have to keep trying, I'm in too deep! And I'm really fat right now! I'm stress-eating and, and I'm gaining weight in my thighs, I mean look at them, [shakes legs] bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh. Ugh.
[pan over to a very confused Eleanor]
Eleanor: So sorry. Who are you? And where am I?
Michael: It doesn't matter. This one doesn't even count.
- On Day 55 of Attempt #649, Jason manages to figure it out.Jason: Yo! Yo! Homies! Check it... Is there something messed up with this place? We keep fighting with each other, none of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel, my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is... I know this sounds crazy, but I think we're in the Bad Place.
Michael: [aghast] Jason figured it out? [Jason grins] Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.
- In Attempt #802, the demons, tired of constantly repeating the scenario, go on strike until their demands are met.Vicky: I speak for the entire crew, Michael. We're sick of it. We can barely remember what we're supposed to be doing any more. Plus, [badly affects an Australian accent] Oi spent weeks perfecting this excellent Australian accent, Oi did. [normally] And then I never got a chance to use it.
Michael: You're still upset about the size of your part?
Vicky: Yes! I want a more important role. But, that's just my demand. [hands him a file] All three hundred and eighteen of us have something we want to do differently.
Michael: [reading] Some people want bigger houses, Gayle wants a different backstory where she was an MMA fighter? [Vicky nods] Gunnar wants to bite and/or nibble on humans while they sleep... You do know, Vicky, that if I were to do some of these, that it would be a dead giveaway?
Vicky: And I can help you explain that to them. But some of these are doable. And you're gonna do 'em.
- During Chidi's lesson, Eleanor is visibly zoned out, staring into space.Chidi: So. Aristotle believes your character is voluntary, because, uhhh... Are you ignoring me? Right now? It's day two of our ethics lessons and you're already tuning out?
Eleanor: No, sorry, I just got distracted, for a second. The last thing I remember you saying is... [Beat] Nothing. Can you start from the beginning?
- For some reason, Attempt #802 features a clam chowder fountain.Chidi: Where is everyone?
Eleanor: Who knows. Maybe they finally figured out clam chowder is disgusting 'cause it's basically a savory latte with bugs in it.
- Drawn by the smell of someone smoking a cigar, Eleanor and Chidi overhear a pair of demons complaining that the regular Bad Place was fine: "If the four-headed flying bears ain't broke, don't fix 'em."Kamaria: Hey Todd, got a light?
Todd: [in full magma being form] Uh, yeah, obviously I have a light. You know, you guys aren't supposed to be smoking.
Glenn: You're supposed to keep your human suit on.
Todd: Those suits are really itchy for us.
- Chidi and Eleanor run away from the demons:Chidi: Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God.
Eleanor: This is the Bad Place! I forking knew it! And clam chowder is disgusting! It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons!
Chidi: Okay, but what do we do? Panic? Freak? I usually panic but I am happy to freak.
Eleanor: We have to stay cool. It's like my mom always used to say: If a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.
Chidi: Your mom... always... said that?
- On the train, Chidi once again concludes that he was sent to the Bad Place because of the almond milk.Chidi: I knew it was bad for the environment but I loved the way it coated my tongue with a weird film.
- "Also, Tahani is a candidate, as far as I'm concerned. Yesterday she told me that was Taylor Swift's best friend, but Taylor Swift wasn't her best friend. She sucks."
- "I always assumed the afterlife was full of cool people, not talking sweater vests."
- Janet enters the train car. "We're here. Aren't trains neat? [mimes pulling horn] Choo choo!"
- Eleanor knocks on Mindy St. Claire's door.Eleanor: Hi. You gotta help us. I'm Eleanor, this is Chidi, and, see, we thought we were in the Good Place, but as it turns out-
Mindy: Yeah guys, I know. You've been here fifteen times already.
Mindy: Did you bring the cocaine I asked for? Please tell me you somehow remembered this time. [pitifully] Mama needs her medicine.
Eleanor: We've met before?
[Mindy's face falls]
Janet: [waving] I'm Janet.
Mindy: I know.
- Michael tries to bargain with Vicky, telling her that if they pull it off, they'll be heroes.Michael: You could write your own ticket. You might even land the Jared from Subway account.
Vicky: Yeah, but, I don't think you can pull it off. You can't even pull off those bow ties.
Michael: [touches bow tie] That was very mean. But I'm gonna move past that, in the name of unit cohesion.
- Michael attempts to order Vicky to obey him, but she pulls out a file documenting every mistake in the past eight hundred and two attempts and threatens to give it to Shawn, who still believes them to be on Attempt #2.Vicky: So actually, if you don't do what I say, you're going down. [bad Australian accent] Down undah.
- Eleanor asks Mindy if it's always the three of them that visit her. She tells them that it's always Eleanor and Janet, but otherwise it varies; usually Chidi, sometimes Jason, and once Jason and Tahani.Mindy: But you know what, no matter what the combo is, I always ask you guys to bring me cocaine next time, and you never do. Do you have anything I can snort? Like a crushed-up aspirin, or some eye shadow, or... cocaine?
Eleanor: Still no.
- Eleanor suggests simply staying in the Medium Place, but Mindy (speaking along exactly in time with her words) tells her she always says that and always goes back anyway.Mindy: I mean, sometimes you go back because [mocking] you feel bad your friends don't know what you know, sometimes you go back because you walk in on me while I'm masturbating, [Eleanor looks disturbed] and sometimes you go back because I walk in on you while I'm masturbating. [Eleanor continues to look disturbed while Chidi looks confused and horrified]
- Mindy tells them that they always make a plan to defeat Michael and then go back.Chidi: Okay. A plan. We need a plan. But [Mindy starts speaking along] what if we come up with a plan we've already tried before? [still in unison] Will you please stop that!
- Mindy wrote down the various plans they made in past attempts:Physically attack Michael
Make Michael think he's the one in TBP
Try to stuff Michael back in his magic lamp
Eleanor [turns?] self in
Stab with small knife
Throw Tahani under the bus
Indecent Proposal him
Find Ray Donovan but an angel
Find Doug Forcett
Find Michael's boss, blackmail, drug him
Stab with large knife
Shawshank our way out
Catch that magic panda, use her powers
Mindy: Which obviously never worked, because you're here, and you're back, so, good luck.
Eleanor: "Physically attack Michael", "seduce Michael", "make Michael think he's the one in the Bad Place", "catch that magic panda, use her powers"... [looks confused, then realizes] Oh, I'm guessing that was Jason?
Mindy: That guy has no idea what's going on.
- Jason, wandering around trying to find anybody, comes across Michael.Michael: Hey Jason.
Jason: Hey homie! Uhhh. I mean. Jason? Who is Jason? I am a monk.
Michael: You know what? Can I talk to you for a second? I'm in a tight spot and I could use someone to bounce some ideas off of, 'kay? [Jason nods] Oh, yeah, uh, real quick, you're really in the Bad Place aaand you're being tortured.
- Later in the episode, they continue their conversation:Michael: How did it come to this? I was just trying to do something... innovative and different, that would improve the way we make humans' lives miserable for eternity.
Jason: Hmm. Well-
Michael: Shut up. What are my options? Do I have any? I mean, I can't go along with her plan; it'll be a spectacular failure. But I can't ignore her, or she'll rat me out to Shawn. I'm trapped.
Jason: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat", and "Jason", but, I know a little wisdom I can give you.
Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I, I highly doubt that.
Jason: I was a member of a sixty-person dance crew in Jacksonville. We were called "Dance Dance Resolution: We Resolve to Dance". One day, Donkey Doug and I got into a fight, because I'd framed his girlfriend for boogie board theft. So he started a new dance crew called "Hashtag Doug Life" and immediately challenged us to a dance-off. He said "Meet us inside the abandoned orange juice factory at midnight." That night, as the clock struck twelve, me and my crew came together with a determination we had never shown before... and slashed all their tires. It was dope. The end. By Jason Mendoza.
Michael: You know, that inane story actually contains a bit of good advice. Thank you, Jason.
Jason: You got it, homie! I give good advice. Guess that's why I'm in the Good Place!
- Later in the episode, they continue their conversation:
- Eleanor and Chidi consider their options.Eleanor: I know it says here that we already tried throwing Tahani under the bus, but, maybe we should revisit that. Throw her a little bit harder, maybe under a bigger bus. What do you think?
Chidi: I think this is pointless. We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.
Eleanor: Oh, cool, more philosophy. That'll help us!
Chidi: Well don't you see the problem? We are experiencing karma but we can't learn from our mistakes because our memories keep getting erased! It's an epistemological nightmare!
Eleanor: Ugh. Even your nightmares are boring.
Chidi: Y- y- you are so mean, Eleanor. You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.
Eleanor: And you are so irritating! In one of these reboots I probably strangled you and then went to the Even Worse Place, but you know what? I bet it was worth it.
- When Eleanor tries ranting to Mindy, she tells her that she's listened to her complaining about Chidi fifteen times already and summarizes for her:Mindy: You two? You got it bad for each other.
Eleanor: No we don't. Chidi's just a friend. What am I saying, he's not even a friend, he's just a... weird teacher that I hate.
[Mindy pulls out a VHS tape from beneath her TV]
Eleanor: Dude, I do not wanna watch Cannonball Run II right now. Or, alright, what happened in the first one, so I'm all caught up?
- Mindy explains why she has a recording of Eleanor and Chidi post-sex:Mindy: Yeah, this was like the sixth time you guys were here? I saw you getting sexy the previous three times so I cut a little hole in the wall so I could tape ya. Call it my lookin' hole.
[Eleanor looks disgusted]
Chidi: [on tape] Is that a camera?
Eleanor: [on tape] Mindy, you pervert!
- "And how many times... d-did we s-say... th-that stuff." "Oh, only once. [Eleanor sighs in relief] Oh god, I hated it. It, like, really killed the vibe for me. See, after I watch the porno I made, starring you, I watch you talk about your feelings to cool down. It's like...anti-porn."
- Eleanor has only ever said "I love you" to two men in her entire life:Eleanor: Stone Cold Steve Austin...and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.
- When Eleanor comes to another epiphany and decides they're leaving, she ejects the tape from the VHS.Eleanor: I am taking this with me.
Mindy: [detachedly, still reading her magazine] Oh no, it's my only copy, don't.
- Eleanor gathers Chidi and Tahani to confront Michael.Michael: There you guys are.
Eleanor: No. Stop. No more lies. [Jason waves in the doorway] Jason, get over here!
Tahani: That's right. We know his name is Jason, not Jianyu. We know everything. I don't... understand much of it, but, you know, I know it.
Eleanor: Your sick torture plan is not working. Okay? 'Cause we keep figuring out your little puzzle; we're winning! Which means you're losing. So you have two choices here, buddy: Keep failing over and over, or, realize we're the ones with all the power here.
Michael: Yeah, no, we- [sighs] we're on the same page.
Michael: I wanna team up with you guys.
Eleanor: What? Why. You do? What?
Michael: I'm in a bit of a bind, and I could use some backup, or, as Jason put it, um, I need a new dance crew. So, what do you say? New best friends? [grins]
[Jason gives a cheerful thumbs-up, which Eleanor slaps down]
- Picking up where the last episode left off, Eleanor is incredulous:Eleanor: You wanna team up? You've been torturing us and lying about it!
Michael: Oh, let's not get all caught up on who lied to whom or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others; that's ancient history.
Chidi: It was happening until twenty seconds ago.
- Michael explains that one of his employees is blackmailing him.Michael: Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place in the main square, Little Bit Chowder Now.
Tahani: Oh, the place with the, the chowder fountain?
Eleanor: No, that's Pump up the Clam. Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder - [retches] how did we ever think this was the Good Place?
- "There's no debate here! My boss gave me two chances to make this work; suffice to say, I tried more than two times. If he finds out, we're all in hot water. Literally. They will boil us. We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain."
- Eleanor calls a "human meeting" in her bedroom and climbs awkwardly up the ledge. Michael explains that the lack of stairs was part of the torture, showing them the button that makes them slide out.Eleanor: Son of a bench.
- In the human meeting:Chidi: Anyone have any ideas?
Tahani: You know, believe it or not, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except in that instance Michael was Javier Bardem and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.
Eleanor: Okay. Stop talking. Do not talk again for a hundred hours.
- Tahani is, of course, entirely unable to stop bragging for very long.Chidi: We should ask him every question we can think of.
Tahani: Yes. We shall grill him like the flank of an Iberian piglet.
Eleanor: I'm sorry, has it been a hundred hours?
- Tahani is, of course, entirely unable to stop bragging for very long.
- Jason's opinion on what they should do:Jason: We team up with Michael.
Eleanor: Okay. Hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.
Jason: He has a bow tie.
Eleanor: Oh no.
Jason: I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me six hundred dollars if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona, and the guy paid me the six hundred dollars. [Tahani facepalms] My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.
[Eleanor slaps Jason]
- Eleanor's opinion:Eleanor: Look. Michael's a liar. I know liars. It was my job to trick people into buying fake medicine, and I was the top salesperson seven years in a row.
Chidi: I thought you only worked there five years.
Eleanor: Proves my point!
- Tahani's opinion:Tahani: I agree. He could be lying about this whole thing. For all we know, you three are in the Bad Place and I'm up in the Good Place where I belong, being tested.
Chidi: How would that even-?
Tahani: I don't know, but it's possible!
- Michael's response when asked how they can possibly trust him:Michael: You can't. But you have to. Logically you shouldn't, but you have no choice. I mean, I wouldn't, if I were you. It's a crazy thing to do. But you gotta.
- Jason's questions:Jason: I'll tell you what I want to know right now, before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?
Michael: [chuckles] ...Oh. You're serious. Uh, no.
Jason: [dismayed] Will they ever win the Super Bowl?
Michael: Jason, I can't predict the future. But no. They won't.
Jason: Okay, well I just have like twelve more Jaguars questions-
Eleanor: No you don't. Hey Janet?
Janet: [chimes and appears] Hi there.
Eleanor: Do you have something shiny Jason can play with?
[Janet chimes and produces a lit sparkler; Jason gasps and runs outside to play with it]
- Attempt #556, the shortest attempt, lasted only eight seconds because Michael sat on the reset button by mistake.
- Janet asks if she has also been rebooted eight hundred and two times.Michael: Yes. ...Why?
Janet: Every time a Janet is rebooted, she increases her social awareness and abilities. I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe. [simultaneously pats her head and rubs her stomach]
- Michael explains that Janet is an actual Good Place Janet that he stole to help sell the ruse.Janet: I guess it didn't work though. Because you keep failing.
Michael: Yes, thank you.
Janet: You're welcome. [chimes and disapears]
- Eleanor asks why, if the Bad Place staff aren't human, they look like them.Michael: Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs gets randomly assigned a human body so we can get the feel of how best to torture you. I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to the hanging bits.
Michael: Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor, I was talking about my testicles.
- Michael points out that lies are more convincing when they're close to the truth.Eleanor: That's true. I crashed a lot of open bar weddings as Eileen Shellborne. Even dated a groomsman for a few months, so I had to keep the name. And, he got "Eileen" tattooed on his neck.
Tahani: Seriously! How are she and I in the same place?
- "'We're running out of time and I am your only option'. A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them, because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me, and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall."
- Tahani's concerns when told there is a potential transport to the Good Place: "Well, is- is it nice? Is there a business class? Can I pre-board?"
- Michael's plan would get all five of them to the Good Place, himself included.Eleanor: You, mister diabolical torture guy, are gonna try to join us in the Good Place?
Michael: Yeah! If I stay in the Bad Place, I'm doomed! But, if I rescue four pitiful, foul-smelling humans from eternal damnation, hit them with the big puppy dog eyes, "Please, sir! Take pity on me, I've changed!" and all that crap, maybe I can earn a spot too.
- Chidi acknowledges that teaming up with a demon is insane, but still thinks they have to do it.Eleanor: Are you forking kidding me right now? You take half an hour to pick out a turtleneck and yet this you're sure about?
- When Chidi turns to Tahani for backup, she exclaims "I understand nothing" and storms away past Jason.Jason: Hey! Same here!
- She then tries to deal with Michael in much the same way as she might have dealt with a cashier or other low-level employee on Earth.Tahani: Michael, there's been a mistake. I belong in the Good Place. The, the real one, with the good people. Who do I speak to about correcting this?
Michael: Me. And, you're wrong.
Tahani: Very well. I would like to speak to your manager.
- She then tries to deal with Michael in much the same way as she might have dealt with a cashier or other low-level employee on Earth.
- Michael never yet showed Tahani how she died.Michael: I was saving it in case I ever needed to really make you miserable. But it's hilarious. Of course I mean sad.
- Shortly before dying, Tahani was being interviewed by the International Sophisticate magazine on whose cover she was seen in Mindy St. Claire.Tahani: Oh, it's such an honor. I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts who grace your cover.
Véronique: Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. A woman who, as you know, was offered the spot on our cover but turned it down.
Tahani: I actually didn't know that. [chuckles] Please, carry on.
Véronique: Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio, to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. Remarkable.
Tahani: Is there a question?
Véronique: Don't you find that remarkable?
Tahani: Kamilah is very impressive. As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago, and yet the critics thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its twenty-five year waiting period. Sadly I will not be attending the ceremony because I will be in Haiti on a relief mission. Perhaps we should talk more about that.
Véronique: Perhaps we should. But first, another question about Kamilah. Don't you think she and I would be friends? We have a lot in common, we are both Capricorn, and we're both only children...
[Tahani stares incredulously]
Véronique: I'm sorry, I forgot about you. [chuckles]
- Tahani, dressed as a waitress, berates Kamilah.Tahani: No, it's just that my own sister didn't even deign to invite me to her little soirée, so I had to weasel my way in here like some common... weasel.
- When that fails, she turns her ire on the statue of Kamilah instead, first slapping it and succeeding only in hurting her own hand and then using a rope to pull it over. She does not stop to consider the consequences of doing so until it lands on her.
- Tahani's response once the flashback ends:
- And even that isn't quite enough to prevent her from habitually bragging.Tahani: Is that really all I cared about? Just, outshining my sister and gaining praise and acclaim? 'Cause, I mean, I did gain praise and acclaim, you know, I- [laughs] I dare say, on some occasions, more praise and acclaim than my sister Kamilah, so...
[Michael gives her a "There you go" look]
Tahani: Oh. Oh, I see. [sobs] Oh, God.
Michael: Oh, come on now, it's not all bad. Imagine you're me, and you're designing a torture chamber for people who think that they belong in the Good Place. I mean, you were perfect.
- Shortly before dying, Tahani was being interviewed by the International Sophisticate magazine on whose cover she was seen in Mindy St. Claire.
- Eleanor, Chidi, and Tahani start arguing amongst themselves.Jason: I have no idea what's going on right now, but everyone else is talking and I think I should too.
- Michael starts laughing and explains that he finds it funny that his very survival now depends on the humans, who he regards as alike to cockroaches, agreeing to help him.Eleanor: We're cockroaches to you?
Michael: Yeah. Or dung beetles. I don't know, something small and gross that creeps on the ground in its own filth.
- The gravity of the moment when Eleanor requests some time to think is entirely ruined by the clown doors' closing jingle, and then:Eleanor: [whispering] Janet!
Janet: [chimes and appears] Hi there.
Eleanor: Call me a train. Fill it to the brim with cocaine. I'm going back to Mindy St. Claire's house.
- Eleanor attempts to sneak out while appropriate music plays. As she manages to get the door open, Chidi casually walks into view.Chidi: Gonna bail, huh?
Eleanor: [turns back, faux-casual; music cuts out abruptly] Hm? No. Why, why would you say that?
Chidi: Well, you got a bag full of clothes, you stuffed a bunch of pillows and a mop in your bed to make it look you were asleep, and you're literally sneaking out the back gate.
- "I don't want to live forever in a boring, beige house with a weird horny cokehead, but look at what you're asking me to do: Make a deal with an actual devil so that I can then do homework in secret."
- Eleanor points out that she's only known the others for a week. Chidi reminds her that they've done some version of this eight hundred times.
- Visibly changing her mind, Eleanor abandons her bag and goes to talk to Michael.Eleanor: I got a couple more questions.
Michael: Sure. Take your time. We're not in a hurry or anything.
Eleanor: How many times in all the reboots did I ask Chidi for help, he refused to help me, and then I had to get better on my own?
Michael: Never. He always helped you.
Eleanor: Ghh. Really?
Michael: Yup. No matter how I set it up, you found him, confessed you didn't belong, asked him for help, he said yes. Now, his agreeing to help was part of my plan; what wasn't part of my plan was it actually working. Drove me nuts. Pesky little nerd. Stuck with you, and always helped you overcome your biggest problem.
Eleanor: Assuming that's my selfishness?
Michael: No! No no no. It's that you never found a haircut that framed your face properly. Yes, your selfishness.
Eleanor: I'm not that selfish.
Janet: [chimes and appears with an enormous quantity of cocaine] Eleanor, your cocaine and escape train are ready.
- Having made up her mind, Eleanor rejoins the group.Eleanor: I think Michael is a liar. I think there's a ninety-nine percent chance he's forking with us. But. He's asking us for help, so we should help him. Because that's what Chidi would do. That's what Chidi would do for me, or for any of us.
Chidi: It's... what I am doing.
Eleanor: I know.
Chidi: It's just, you're talking about me like I'm not here? Or something? And that just makes me feel weird.
- Eleanor announces her agreement to Michael, on the condition that Chidi give them all lessons in morality, Michael included.Michael: [laughing] Oh, no. No, I, I won't be taking any classes. I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream-
Eleanor: Yeah, and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
Jason: [looks around in confusion] ...And who am I? Describe me now!
Eleanor: We are all going to take classes. We are all going to improve. And the second you betray us, I walk into Vicky's stinky chowder restaurant and tell her everything. You agree to those terms, and you can join us on Team Cockroach. So what's it gonna be? You're running out of time, and we're your only option.
- Vicky's version of the Good Place is the same as Michael's original attempt, except with more random musical numbers on her part. Eleanor and Michael can only exchange a dubious look.
- Michael explains that Vicky's plan is much the same as his own: Eleanor gets drunk at the party, and whatever she says and does becomes the basis for the chaos sequence the next day.Eleanor: Okay. Okay. So my job is to get drunk and insult people. I think I can hack that.
Michael: Now, Chidi, I'm gonna need you to act nervous and embarrassed by Eleanor.
Chidi: Way ahead of you.
- Jason asks Janet to make sure that she won't rat them out.Janet: Well, Jason, I've been thinking about this a lot over the last one and a third milliseconds. I'm not allowed to lie, but my purpose is to make humans happy. And since you're the only actual humans here, I'm on board for whatever fun little schemes you guys come up with.
- Eleanor calls for a "team huddle":Eleanor: The Bad Place is about to be outsmarted by a cowardly traitor, [Michael looks offended] four dum-dums, and a robot.
Janet: Not a robot.
Eleanor: We can do this. Team Cockroach on three. One, two, three-
Everybody except Jason: Team Cockroach!
Jason: Bobcats! ...I still think that's better.
- Michael presents Vicky, who has taken over his office, a thick folder full of torture ideas, per her request.Vicky: [flipping through pages] Ugh, so long. You're not supposed to be torturing me. From now on, make all your memos one page, max, with pictures. Also, Quinston over here already came up with a sick idea for how to torture Tahani. Tell him, babe.
Quinston: We're gonna have Tahani throw a party for Gunnar's birthday, but no one will show up because we'll also be throwing a party and it'll be way better.
Vicky: Boom. [laughs]
Michael: [poorly feigned sincerity] Where do you get these incredible ideas?
- And even though Tahani knows in advance what's going to happen, it actually works.
- After Michael explains the plan to Tahani and Jason, the latter concludes that it doesn't seem so bad.Michael: Yeah. It really tugs my nuggets. [Tahani and Jason look shocked] I worked so hard on my torture ideas and theirs are so basic... these millennials, they have no work ethic.
[Tahani and Jason look confused]
Michael: Oh. Sorry, uh, a millennial is someone who's only been torturing people for a thousand years. Millennial.
- Chidi, Eleanor, and Michael begin their first morality lesson:Michael: Alright, well, I've read everything on your syllabus, and, h-how do I put this delicately, it's all... ah, stupid garbage.
Chidi: Look. We have to start somewhere, so, how about Socrates?
Michael: Al-alright, alright, let me just get into the mindset of a human. [mocking; laughs] Ohh, I'm a human, and my breathing tube is next to my eating tube! Oh, and look, my arms end in stupid little sticks! [normally] Okay. Proceed.
- Jason points out that the reason the demons chose this way to torture Tahani was because it was what she was best at, "just like I'm the best at getting empty water bottles to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut."Tahani: You know what? I am the best at planning parties. Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste? Sophistication? An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?
Jason: [enthusiastically] Yes! She does!
[Tahani gives him a look]
Jason: [slightly less enthusiastically] No! She doesn't!
- Tahani resolves to throw a better party than the demons, and calls Janet.Janet: [chimes and appears] Hi there.
Tahani: Janet, when I turned eighteen, I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code: "I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much". [dramatic music picks up] Model tonight's decor after my 2008 fundraiser for the Red Cross in Zurich. No! 2007.
[Janet looks shocked and pleased]
- As Michael tears pages out of a book and throws them into a trash bin, Eleanor notes (once again) that she is the best student.Eleanor: I'm gonna be the velociraptor.
Chidi: ...You trying to say "valedictorian"?
- Chidi concludes that the reason Michael can't grasp the lessons may be because he's immortal, and therefore largely immune to lasting consequences. The example he gives for this is that after telling a lie, the guilt will fade... after a few trillion years.Chidi: Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him think about what we used to think about: That life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.
Eleanor: That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
Chidi: ...You mean a skirt?
Eleanor: [Beat] No! The- you're not getting it, and my thing is different, so, shut up.
- To get Michael to consider consequences, Chidi asks if there's any way he can die. Michael explains the concept of "retirement".Chidi: So is, is that what would happen if your boss found out that you defected to our side?
Chidi: Okay, so, that might actually happen. And if it did, there would be no more Michael. Think about that, for a second. Imagine being "retired". Everyone else is here, but you? Poof. Gone. Nothingness. Inky black void. Done.
Michael: Okay. I'll think about that. [ponders it] Huh. So... you're saying... I would be... [touches his face with an increasing expression of horror] no... me?
[Chidi makes a "there you go" gesture; Michael's horrified expression increases to an indescribable degree, whereupon he emits a drawn-out whimpering sound and slowly topples over sideways to land on Chidi]
Chidi: [grinning, cheerfully] Okay! Now we're getting somewhere! [rubs Michael's arm encouragingly while Eleanor looks aghast]
- After a cut, the scene continues:Eleanor: Dude, you broke Michael!
Chidi: No, no, this is good! He's having an existential crisis! [Eleanor looks confused and disapproving] It's a, a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. [Michael looks up at him in horror before returning to his catatonia] Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics!
Eleanor: And what if he can't?
Chidi: Oh, then he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever and we're all doomed. [cheerfully] Okay! [props Michael up] I will be right back. Gonna go grab some Camus!
- In order to cheer him up, Eleanor offers to get Michael a snack, talking to him with the same sort of exaggerated cheer one might use with a small child.Eleanor: Do you eat? I can never remember. What do you eat? [gasps] Babies? You want me to get you a big fat baby? What flavor baby? [gasps] How 'bout a cool ranch baby?
Michael: [distraught] Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide! How does anyone do anything when you understand the fleeting nature of existence?
- After a cut, the scene continues:
- Eleanor flashes back to her childhood, the first time she learned about death.
- Donna Shellstrop handles the situation with all the grace and tact that can be expected of her.Donna: [holding a wine glass with a straw in it] Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news. Your doggy Max has passed away. Do you know what that means?
[Eleanor shakes her head]
Donna: Well, sometimes when a dog is very old, like five or six or something, he crosses a long rainbow bridge, and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm with lots of grass, and trees, and... I don't know, wagons, and a rainbow. I already said rainbow. The point is, that's where Max is.
Eleanor: Can we visit him at the farm?
Donna: Nope. Because it's... very far away. In... Guam. It's in Guam.
Eleanor: Can we-
Donna: [snaps] Okay, look. I'm lying. Okay? You caught me. Congratulations. The farm is made up, the bridge is made up, there's no such place as Guam. Your dog Max is dead in a duffle bag under the deck.
Eleanor: How did he die?
Donna: The short answer is "I don't know", and the slightly longer answer is I didn't know how hot it gets in cars sometimes. The point is, don't be sad. Honestly, I'll get kind of annoyed if you do get sad, 'cause it's been a very long day and that bitch Carol from work was really on my ass about some stupid thing that I don't even know what it was, and at the end of that long day I had to use one of my favorite duffle bags to do something very gross that I did not like. Now, let's celebrate that dead dog's life by bringing Mommy another bottle of white. [sips wine through straw]
- Donna Shellstrop handles the situation with all the grace and tact that can be expected of her.
- Tahani's evaluation of her party: "I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good, so I simply... did myself."
- Eleanor and Chidi enter, pulling Michael along between them.Eleanor: Red alert, red alert. We need help.
Tahani: What's wrong with Michael?
Jason: Uh-oh. I know that look. He just snorted a bunch of printer toner. Mike, listen to me, you have nothing to worry about. You still have around seventy percent of your brain left!
Eleanor: No, no, this is more like a philosophy overdose. Basically, Michael just smoked a big dose of ennui and now he's having an existential crisis, so we need to cheer him up.
Chidi: [as though talking to a small child] Look at how pretty the restaurant is! Didn't Tahani do a good job?
Michael: Parties are mere distractions from the relentlessness of entropy. We're all just corpses who haven't yet begun to decay.
Eleanor: Yeah, but... [grabs a bunch of balloons] Balloons!
[Tahani and Jason gesture encouragingly at the balloons, which Eleanor hands to Michael]
Eleanor: Okay. We all head over to Vicky's party together, we babysit Michael in shifts so that no-one sees he's a catatonic blob.
Tahani: Or you could just sit tight. The entire party are going to be heading over here soon, unless I am sorely mistaken.
[cut to an absurdly lavish party where fireworks spell out "HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUNNAR"]
Tahani: [dismayed] I was sorely mistaken.
- Eleanor advises Michael to repress his feelings, plaster on a fake smile, and pretend he's having fun, "just like I used to do when someone started talking about their kids." Michael gives a pathetic attempt at a smile, no part of his face changing at all except for his mouth.
- Since Gunnar was ostensibly an animal-rights activist on Earth, the theme of the party is animals. Including a "Build a Real Bear Workshop," flying "like a falcon," a ball pit full of puppies, and the chance to sit in a kangaroo's pouch, which Jason apparently wanted "[his] whole dang life."
- After Jason runs off to join the kangaroos:Eleanor: Alright, Tahani, you just need to walk around the party looking miserable. [Tahani looks miserable] Great, just like that. Perfect. And then, uh, Chidi and I will keep an eye on Michael.
Chidi: [looking at Michael's seat, which is empty] Where's Michael?
[Michael drives up in an expensive red car, wearing a white suit and sunglasses]
Chidi: Uhhh. Think I've found him.
Michael: [exits car] Hey, there they are! Que pasa, muchachos!
Eleanor: [gently] Hey there, bud! You okay?
Michael: Okay? I'm a new man! Oh, Eleanor, thank you so much for the advice about shoving my feelings down deep. I feel so much better! It's like I'm surfin' on this wave of positivity.
Eleanor: Is that Janet?
[Janet, wearing a blonde wig, several bracelets, a tight dress, and high heels, exits the car and approaches]
Michael: Oh, yeah, have you met my secretary, Janette? She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.
Chidi: Oh. Uh. Hi, Janette.
Janet: Oh, no, it's still me, Janet. Michael just asked that I change my appearance. And also say things like "You're so funny," [Michael laughs] and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?" [both laugh]
Michael: Man, repressing your feelings is great! You know, I was feeling stressed all the time, and now it's just so easy! Babe, we need to get some food into you, get you something to eat!
Janet: I don't eat anything.
Michael: [to Chidi] She's perfect!
[Eleanor and Chidi look horrified]
Michael: It did kind of hurt, actually, but I love it.
- After a cut, Michael is showing off his earring to some demons.
Eleanor: So he's moved on from existential crisis to just straight-up midlife crisis, that's good, right? Knew a ton of guys like that back in Arizona. I mean, they hit on you when they're drunk and their breath smells like supplements, but overall they're pretty harmless.
Michael: [showing a tattoo on his forearm] It's Chinese for "Japan".
- Chidi describes Michael's denial as "a Jenga tower of sadness."
- Eleanor flashes back to her father's funeral, which Donna handles with all the grace and tact that can be expected of her.Donna: [runs into the funeral holding a glass of wine with a straw in it] Eleanor! Mommy's here, baby! [sees Sam] Oh! And who is this tall drink of wine?
Eleanor: Um, w- this is my boyfriend? Sam. Sam, this is my mother-
Donna: [shouts over "mother"] Sister! Sister. Ugh, it's not gonna work, it's my ex-husband's funeral. [pushes past Eleanor and Sam to the coffin] Thanks for blowin' my cover, Doug! [turns back to Eleanor] Listen, baby, don't be sad. Okay? Your father wasn't great. Let's call him what he was: A fart in the shape of a man.
Eleanor: Can you just chill? I don't wanna turn Dad's funeral into a roast.
Donna: I'm not. I'm just saying he sucked. I mean, the only photo they could get of him was a mugshot. He was a doof, so don't be sad that he's gone.
Eleanor: I'm not sad. I'm fine.
Donna: Good! [to Sam] You know, I had a long-running bet with Eleanor's father that I would outlive him. You wanna guess who won that one? Come on, guess.
Sam: Well, we're at his funeral, it's pretty clear—
Donna: I did! I won, he's dead! Up top! [raises hand]
Sam: [awkwardly high-fives her; extricates his hand with difficulty] Well—
Donna: Is there a bar? I'm just gonna— [leaves]
Eleanor: Did my mom slip you her hotel room key?
Sam: Yes. Yes, she did.
- Vicky announces the "mix-up" and prompts the crowd to head over to Tahani's party.Tahani: Oh, no need. This party is far superior.
Quinston: I'm sure yours is amazing.
Tahani: Well, I did fine on the decor, but I don't have... [grits teeth] you know, actual unicorns you can ride...
[a unicorn wanders by]
- Vicky tells the crowd to get back to the party, and then Michael runs onto the stage.Michael: Hang on there, mis amigos!
Eleanor: Oh no no no no no no no no, Michael, oh boy.
Michael: Okay, I know what you're thinking: Birth is a curse and existence is a prison. But don't think about that! Don't be sad, you guys! Focus on something great, like Drakkar Noir, [sniffs wrist] whoo! Which I am wearing a lot of tonight! Or! The Sharper Image catalog! What can't those guys ionize? By the way, I am feeling amazing! I'm gonna do some push-ups, then we'll go round the room and name our favorite cheese!
[Jason raises his hand, excited; Vicky starts pulling Michael off the stage]
Vicky: Okay, that's good with the speeches, that's good, yeah. Let's all get back to the party! [quietly, to Michael] What was that? You didn't run any of that by me.
Michael: Oh, I know, I know, I'm sorry, babe. Listen, when you guys first took over, I was upset. But it's all good now! I mean, anger is toxic, I'm not about that negativity. Mi torture es su torture. I am so happy you're in charge.
Vicky: Okay, well...good.
Michael: Namaste, chica. [laughs] Do you wanna dance?
Michael: Okay. [leaves]
- Tahani, upset, tells Jason she's leaving.Tahani: I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.
Jason: [with a monkey on his shoulder] Why? There are baby monkeys and dolphins to ride and a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with actual hippos! This party is way better than ours, why are you miserab- Ooooooooh.
Tahani: You stay and have fun. I'm going to go and throw myself a pity party, though I doubt I can even throw one of those properly. [sobs]
[Quinston and Gunnar, listening in, clink their glasses in satisfaction]
- Michael, followed by "Janette", Chidi, and Eleanor, bursts into his office with a can of energy drink in hand.Michael: God I love this stuff! [chugs it] Oh! Let's keep this party going! What now, huh? Wanna hit the clubs? [gasps] Oh, oh, oh, oh - Vegas. No, no, no, no, even better: Dubai. [Janet gasps] Janette, make us a Dubai. [Janet giggles]
Eleanor: Kinda feel like maybe we should wind down, how 'bout—
Michael: [dancing] No, no, can't do that, can't stop moving, can't stop moving, if I stop moving I'll start thinking, and if I start thinking I'll start thinking about things I don't wanna think about, like, death. [stops dancing] Oops. I'm thinking about it now. Um. Yep, thinking about death again. Oh! I know! [starts dancing again] Janette and I have been taking, uh, samba lessons? Huh? Let us show you how to do it. [starts dancing with Janet to samba music]
- "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think this can be solved with a book!"
- Chidi doesn't believe that Eleanor didn't have at least one moment where she was freaked out by the permanence of death. Eleanor flashes back to herself in a store, asking an employee where the toothbrush holders are.Eleanor: What's this? Who has four toothbrushes? Like, Bill Gates or something?
Greg: No, that's, like, for a family.
Eleanor: Family? Like, a whole family and their toothbrushes all together? [choked up] Two slots for the parent toothbrushes and... two slots for their... kids?
Eleanor: [more choked up] So the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and... watch over them and... [audibly crying] they can all talk about their... toothbrush feelings and... and they can... hold their little toothbrush hands when they're sad? And... make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles?
[Eleanor, crying openly, runs away from the toothbrush holder, grabs a toilet plunger from a shelf, and uses it to cover her face; Greg grabs a box of tissues off a shelf and proffers it]
Greg: Um, you need a Kleenex?
Eleanor: [sniffs] Thank you...,Sorry, I'm so embarrassed....[takes tissue, then sees box] A family pack!? [sobs and returns to weeping into the plunger]
- "And in the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew: Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're gonna have to pay for that toilet plunger."
- Eleanor explains to Michael that all humans are aware of death, so they're all a little bit sad all the time.Eleanor: That's just the deal.
Michael: Sounds like a crappy deal.
- Jason brings Tahani, sitting amid her decorations, some take-out food.Tahani: I'm not hungry. I just want to sit and stare at nothing and silently scream for the rest of time.
Jason: I might be waaay off-base here, but you seem kinda bummed.
- "The way they're torturing me is through event planning mishaps. And it works!"
- Jason delivers another of his completely inane yet oddly helpful stories:Jason: Listen. Back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a sixty-person dance crew. Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: Dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
Tahani: Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.
Jason: Oh, no, no! Eight is the best! It was a scale of one to thirteen, but eight was highest! [Tahani looks confused] The scale went up and then back down, like a tent!
Tahani: Why? ...It's not important.
Jason: Lately you've been really down on yourself, but you're the most amazing person I've ever met. Oh- besides Michael. And he was constantly torturing us, so I'd only rank him a ten.
Tahani: Which is...worse than an eight. [Jason nods] That's so unnecessarily confusing.
- Chidi reads Michael's report:Chidi: "Excellent progress this week. Tahani devastated by party mishap. Eleanor continues to be a selfish monster, creating burden for Chidi." [Michael nods and smiles]
Eleanor: "Selfish monster"? I brought you back from the brink of an existential coma, dude.
- Eleanor wonders where Tahani and Jason are. Cut to them in bed together.Tahani: So, um...We should probably...discuss—
Jason: That was awesome!
Tahani: It-it was, surprisingly so. But we should still discuss—
Jason: Want some breakfast? I know how to make cereal!
The Trolley Problem
- Chidi announces that this episode's lesson features the eponymous ethical dilemma, to...mixed reactions.
- Jason's immediate reaction:Jason: Is this a game? I go first! I call blue!
Chidi: There's no - no, this isn't - no.
- Once he explains the problem, Eleanor asks for clarification:Eleanor: Do we know anything about the people? Like, is one of them an ex-boyfriend? Or that snooty girl from Rite Aid who was always silently judging my purchases? It's like, "Yeah, chicky, a Baby Ruth and birth control, I see the irony, keep a-swipin'."
- Tahani's opinion:Tahani: But this is hard, 'cause the only trolley I've ever been on is James Franco's ironic trolley. It travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles.
[everyone stares at her]
Tahani: Um. Kill one, save five.
- Michael remains quiet throughout Chidi's explanation until asked directly.Chidi: Michael. You've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?
Michael: Well, obviously the dilemma is clear: How do you kill all six people? [reveals a drawing of the situation he describes, the sole figure on the alternate track having a speech bubble reading "You got us all! Great work!"] So, I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys.
[everyone stares at him]
Michael: Oh. I did the thing again, didn't I?
Chidi: Yep. [turns blackboard over, revealing the words "People = Good" written sixteen times] Ten more, buddy.
Michael: "People good", "people"- [sighs] Why is that so hard to remember. [writing] "People"... What is it?
- Jason's immediate reaction:
- Eleanor suggests that they hang out and "work on our forced grins".Eleanor: [impressively forced grin; forced laugh/sob] This place is miserable, etcetera!
Tahani: That sounds fun.
Tahani: But, I was gonna dive into next week's reading, I'm afraid. Sorry. Jason, do you, um, care to join?
Jason: Sure, dog.
Eleanor: You're doing extra credit work?
Jason: What can I say? This class is more fun than I thought.
[Tahani shrugs; cut to Tahani and Jason in bed]
- Jason wonders why Tahani is so reluctant to let anyone know she and Jason are "pounding it out."Tahani: Precisely because you refer to lovemaking as "pounding it out".
- Still not seeing why people oughtn't to know, he suggests she talk about it with a friend.Tahani: But then that person would know we were together.
Jason: Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know we're together.
Tahani: But then that person would know, and I don't want anyone to know.
Jason: I know. I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.
- Still not seeing why people oughtn't to know, he suggests she talk about it with a friend.
- Eleanor approaches Chidi, who has books and papers spread haphazardly all over the kitchen table.Eleanor: How's it going, teach? Hmm, kitchen looks nice and crazy.
Chidi: I've been wracking my brain trying to find a way to get through to Michael. What do you think about writing a rap musical about Kierkegaard?
Eleanor: I think that's a terrible idea.
Chidi: Cool. [dumps a large stack of papers into a trash bin]
Eleanor: Michael's not going to learn how to be a good person overnight. He's not even a person, he's just a bunch of evil shoved up the butt of an evil mannequin, you know? Teaching him to be good, it's like teaching me how to be not hot. How would you even do it? You'd have me hunch or something, and, and stand there and say "gurp, gurp, gurp", or - I don't even know! I can't even picture it, because I've been hot my whole life!
Chidi: I'm sorry, who is this conversation for again?
Eleanor: It's for you. I believe in you, nerd boy. If you can teach me and Jason ethics, you can teach anybody.
Chidi: Thanks. But definitely a no on the rap musical?
Eleanor: ...I mean, if you really think that-
Chidi: My name is Kierkegaard and my writing is impeccable. Check out my teleological suspension of the ethical.
Chidi: No! Right? [laughs; clearly lying] No. It felt like a no when I was doing it.
- Janet confirms that she can't tell anyone if Tahani tells her something personal.Tahani: So in a way, you're sort of like a therapist?
Janet: Absolutely not. A therapist is a trained medical professional with the ability to absorb and process complex ideas about human emotion. I am simply a vessel containing all of the knowledge in the universe.
Tahani: Close enough. Jason and I are sleeping together.
Tahani: Obviously, no one can ever know. I mean, I wouldn't shag Jason if he were the last man on Earth! But, well, he sort of is, and I am. Shagging him, I mean. And I think I'm losing my mind, so, please help me.
Janet: Well, my job is to make your experience here in the afterlife more enjoyable, so I will try to help you. I am going to need some time to read every book ever written about human psychotherapy. [half-second pause] And now I've done that, so let's begin. Have a seat. [chimes]
[a chair and a couch have appeared, as well as a table between them with a plant and a box of tissues upon it; Tahani and Janet sit]
Janet: [wearing glasses and holding a note pad] Hi. I'm your therapist, Janet.
- Chidi has assigned Michael to examine the ethics of Les Misérables, in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family.Michael: [reading from his paper] "Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad, the officer chasing him is bad, all the whiny prostitutes are bad, plus they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."
Chidi: Do you see how you're already off-topic?
Michael: Chidi, I, I've been around a long time. Like... all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread it's a negative seventeen points. Twenty if it's a baguette, because that makes you more French.
Chidi: Okay, sure, but philosophy is about questioning things that you take for granted, and I, I just don't think that you're doing that. I mean, [reading] "I personally know that Victor Hugo is in the bad place being tortured. He's a real wuss, too; if one of the lava monsters even gets near the guy he's like, [Michael begins mouthing along] 'Sacre bleu, I peed in m'pants'."
Michael: I don't know what you want from me. That, that's exactly what he said.
- It's doubly funny when you remember that, from Chidi's perspective, the entire conversation is taking place in French.
- Tahani's therapy session begins:Tahani: Jason's a nice person, but my suitors were always of a certain... echelon. I used what I called the "Duke rule", because Duke is both minimum acceptable university and rank of nobility.
Janet: You've never dated anyone like Jason before.
Tahani: I mean, I've dallied below my station; I once had a brief fling with a non-famous Hemsworth brother. But even Larry Hemsworth had more status than Jason. Jason didn't even have a job! In a sad way, not in the good, rich way.
Jason: [enters] Hi guys! What are you doing? Sitting in a room? That's pretty cool.
Tahani: I took your suggestion. I'm talking to Janet about our relationship.
Janet: Actually, it might help me if I could hear Jason's side as well.
Tahani: Oh, no no no, that'll only slow things down. Look, I'll tell you his side: He thinks that I have to control everything and that he has no voice in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we?
[Janet looks thoughtful]
Tahani: [realizing] Just... heard that.
- Michael asks Chidi to simply tell him the right answer.Chidi: Well, that's what's so great about the trolley problem, is that there is no right answer.
[Eleanor and Michael groan]
Michael: This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors!
Eleanor: I'm on your side here, dude, but he is not wrong.
- In order to make the problem more concrete, Michael puts them on an actual (simulated) out-of-control trolley with "The Ethics Express" painted on its side; little bubbles pop up indicating each of the workers as he explains. Chidi, unable to decide in time, ends up comically splattered.Michael: Okay. So. What did we learn?
Michael: Chidi? Talk it out, buddy. [plucks a chunk of worker off a furious Chidi's chin] What are we thinking?
Eleanor: He thinks he just killed a bunch of people with a trolley!
Michael: It's just a simulation, I would never make you kill real people.
Chidi: Oh, well, that's reassuring, because some of the parts of the fake people FLEW INTO MY MOUTH!
- After Michael demonstrates that they never actually left the classroom and then returns them to the simulation:Eleanor: Look, see, buddy? None of this was real.
Michael: Well. They're fake people, but their pain is real. Does that make sense? There have to be stakes, or it's just another thought experiment.
Chidi: This is awful.
- Michael resets the simulation, and this time Chidi manages to choose in time, switching tracks to kill only the lone worker.Michael: Oh, forgot to tell you, this is the scenario where you actually know one of the people. It's your friend Henry there. [waves at Henry]
Henry: [waves at Chidi] Chidi! How are ya, mate?
Chidi: Henry! Move!
Henry: Och, nice trolley!
Chidi: Move out of the way!
Henry: I can't, Chidi, my boots are stuck in the tracks.
Chidi: Henry, move!
Henry: Anyway, long time no se- [Henry is struck by the trolley and comically splattered across Chidi]
Chidi: [screams; catches a flying boot] OH MY GOD!
Michael: Again, just a simulation. An almost impossibly lifelike simulation.
Eleanor: [excited] Would someone's foot really fly off their body like that? That was kinda cool. [Chidi looks at her; sobering] ...Ethically speaking.
- After Michael demonstrates that they never actually left the classroom and then returns them to the simulation:
- Jason's therapy session:Jason: Tahani's... confusing. She's really smart, and she's all soft and smooth like a bunch of water balloons? But I tell her she's pretty a hundred times a day and she's never said I'm pretty once.
Janet: And how does that make you feel.
Jason: I just feel like Tahani's embarrassed that I'm not some sort of scientist who forecloses on banks.
Tahani: [enters] I need another session with Janet.
Jason: It's my turn. I have a lot of problems too, you know.
Tahani: [sits next to Jason] Perhaps we could kill two birds with one Janet, as it were. How would you feel about giving Jason and me couple's therapy?
Janet: I'd feel great. [gives a thumbs-up; her thumb inflates and separates from her hand, floating away into the air, while Jason and Tahani look on, baffled]
Tahani: Janet, what's happening?
Janet: Unclear. My guess is I'm operating in a way I'm not designed for and it's creating a small glitch. But if I'm helping you guys I say "What has one thumb and wants to keep going?" [points at herself with her thumb and her not-thumb] "This not lady." [grins] Eh? Eh?
- Back on the Ethics Express:Michael: [writing in a notebook] Okay, so that was trolley problem Version #7; Chidi opted to run over five William Shakespeares instead of one Santa Claus.
Eleanor: Okay, as much as I'm enjoying watching random people's heads fly off, I think we've taken this trolley thing as far as it can go.
Michael: You might be right, Eleanor.
Chidi: [hoarsely] Thank you.
Michael: Let's try the doctor one. [switches the simulation to an operating theatre]
Eleanor: Dude, what the fork?
Michael: These five people all need organ transplants or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy; Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?
Eleanor: Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend—No. Tahani. I'm your nicest frie—No, Jason. I'm your friend!
Chidi: N-I-I won't do it. As a doctor, I've taken the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm and, although five people will die, I cannot harm one innocent person to save them and forsake my oath. It's unethical.
Michael: [pats Chidi on the shoulder] Okay. Tell their families.
[Michael switches the simulation to a reception area where five families are waiting anxiously; a little girl gets up and approaches Chidi]
Girl: Doctor Chidi, my daddy needed a heart transplant. Did you save his life? He was working, then a really bad man ran him over with a trolley.
Chidi: [to Michael] Oh, come on!
[in the background, Eleanor comes to a realization and shakes her head in disapproval]
Michael: What? I'm finding this incredibly helpful! I think I'm really starting to get it! Oh, I know, we'll do the one where, uh, you're in a boat, next to a volcano, and you can either save fifty people, or one awesome dog, or whatever.
Chidi: No no no no no no no no no!
Eleanor: [catches Michael's arm before he can snap his fingers] Hey! Are you torturing us again?
Eleanor: You don't care about learning ethics lessons, you're just torturing Chidi again, aren't you.
Michael: [singsong] Busted.
Michael: [laughs hysterically] I'm sorry. Old habits die hard. Not as hard as those people you crushed with the trolley though! Boom!
Chidi: I'm sorry, is - is this funny to you?
Michael: Yeah. I thought that was clear from my laughter.
- Chidi, justifiably angry, kicks Michael out of his lessons.
- Eleanor sits down next to Chidi:Eleanor: You okay? You've been staring at the second page of this book for an hour.
Chidi: When I'm really upset, concentrating on a table of contents helps me calm down. It's like a menu, but the food is words.
Eleanor: Oh. Okay.
Chidi: I can't believe I actually thought he wanted to learn from us. What he really wanted was to torture me. Using the thing that I love most in the world.
Eleanor: Woven belts? [Chidi gives her a look] Oh, teaching, right. ...I'm sorry about this, Chidi. I made him take the classes and I feel a little responsible.
Chidi: No, no, it's not your fault.
Eleanor: Yeah, you're right, it isn't, and no take-backs.
Chidi: No. A tiger can't change his stripes. This is what he always wanted: Me, trying desperately to teach him something that he never intended to learn, so I'd end up miserable, with my glasses all smudged up from sweaty forehead stress grease.
Eleanor: Okay, gross.
- Back in therapy:Jason: Tahani, what do you value about Jason?
Tahani: Well, he's thoughtful. Picks flowers and brings them to me. Often they're ones I've just planted, but...
Jason: That's how I know they fresh!
Tahani: He's the least self-aware person I've ever met, he has massive amounts of unearned confidence and is utterly unaware of his own absurdity... therefore, quite good at sex.
Jason: Here's the thing. I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me. There's something wrong about that, but I can't put my finger on what it is.
Tahani: Oh, Jason. I genuinely like you, but it's hard to change all at once. Can you give me a little more time?
Jason: Okay. I agree to keep this on the DL for now, if you agree to grab my butt in public once a week. You can say I sat in gum and you're trying to scrape it off.
Tahani: You do sit in a lot of gum.
Janet: Aww. I'm happy for you guys. [vomits up a toad; Tahani and Jason look concerned; cheerfully] Huh!
- Eleanor talks to Michael in his office:Michael: Look, I don't know what to tell you. If Chidi can't take a joke, that's on him. Just like all that blood was. [laughs and holds up his hand]
Eleanor: I can't high-five that! No matter how badly I want to. Look, this isn't about Chidi not being able to take a joke. This is about you. You're doing what I used to do. You're pulling an Eleanor.
Michael: Posting my cousin's credit card number on Reddit because she said I looked tired?
Eleanor: [laughing] I forgot I did that.
- Back in the classroom, Eleanor seems to have gotten through to Michael.Michael: I screwed up. I'm owning it. I mean, I'm a superior being; I ought to act like one. Right? So. I really thought about each one of you, and I got you something that will make you happy. I call them "opposite tortures".
Eleanor: Do you mean "presents"?
Michael: Yes. That's better. Thank you. Tahani, here's yours.
[Janet chimes and produces a box containing an absurdly large diamond]
Tahani: [awestruck] Holy mama. Is this a diamond?
Michael: Yeah. Honestly I, I don't get the appeal. Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now, that's basically meteorite poop.
Tahani: [gleeful] And I have the biggest piece!
Michael: Eleanor, I had Janet make you a never-ending shrimp dispensery.
[Janet chimes and produces what appears to be a standard soda machine retrofitted to dispense shrimp in any of eight flavors: "Mountain Blast", "Old American Circus Funky Mustard", "Sriracha Sunrise", "Garlic", "Mystery Flavor", "Cool Ranch", "Cajun", and one which is unreadable]
Eleanor: [gasps and delightedly pours herself a glass of shrimp; hugs machine] This is the dream.
Chidi: [baffled] It is?
Michael: Jason, here you go.
[Janet chimes and produces an ordinary Pikachu-shaped foil balloon]
Jason: [gasps] Pikachu! Guys! It's Pikachu! [leaps over the table] This is awesome! [grabs balloon, bursting it] Aww, man.
Michael: And finally: Chidi. You were a tough nut to crack, but I think I figured it out. [Janet chimes and hands him a book] This is a replica of a lost notebook from the desk of Immanuel Kant. It contains never-before-seen thoughts, and musings, and several, uh, crude erotic doodles. Interesting guy, actually. The point is, no-one on Earth has ever seen this, except for you.
Chidi: Cool. [drops it straight into a trash bin, to Michael's surprise] This isn't an apology, it's a bribe, and I'm not interested.
Eleanor: [speaking through a mouthful of shrimp] Yeah, we can't be bought!
Michael: What do you want from me, man? You want me to give you a golden nameplate for your office? Or you want a diamond bigger than Tahani's?
Tahani: [scandalized] No! Then this would be worthless!
Chidi: I don't want anything.
Michael: Ohh, ohh, okay, alright, I get it. I get it. You want me to admit that I was wrong, and you want me to say [sarcastic] "Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry, because I didn't understand human ethics and you do, it made me feel insecure and I lashed out and, oh, please help me, because I feel so, so lost and vulnerable."
- After Michael emotionally repeats himself and is re-admitted into Chidi's lessons, Eleanor takes a bite of shrimp coated in an unidentifiable white substance:Eleanor: Whooo! Nobody try Mystery Flavor. It's white chocolate, and it is nasty. [Beat, then takes another bite]
- After a one-month time skip, Tahani thanks Janet for helping her and Jason's relationship, whereupon begins an earthquake. Janet cheerfully bids them goodbye and reappears in Michael's office just after it stops while he looks around in confusion.Janet: Hi there.
Michael: What's happening? What's wrong?
Janet: I am wrong. I can't stop glitching, I don't know why, and it's getting worse. I fear this neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. [cheerfully] So that's the main thing. How are you?
Janet and Michael
- Michael, in flashback, attempting to sneak a not-yet-activated Janet out of the Janet Warehouse unnoticed.[Michael, attempting to be stealthy, creeps into the white void and inspects Janet]
Michael: [startles] Ngooh! S- sorry-
Janet: To activate your Janet, press Nose for three seconds.
Michael: Okay, okay, um... Can you walk yet? Here. [rotates Janet] Oh, huh.
Janet: Hello, I'm Janet.
Michael: [pushing her forward] Sh, sh-sh-sh.
Janet: Hello, I'm Janet.
Michael: [whispering] I really need you to shut up.
[Michael successfully guides Janet out of the door, and another Janet slides into her place and begins rotating]
Val: Where did you get this? Did you actually get into the Good Place somehow?
- Once he presents her to his supervisors:
Michael: Didn't need to. They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath a shapeless time void. [Shawn and Val look confused] It's right next to Accounting.
Val: And you just... walked in and stole her, it was that easy? You didn't have to choke out an angel or anything?
Michael: Doors were unlocked, no security... I mean, it makes sense, right? They're Good, so they're stupid and trusting.
Shawn: I understand that you need the four humans to think they're in the Good Place, but using an actual Good Place Janet seems risky. Why don't you just have a Bad Place Janet pretend to be good?
Michael: I thought of that, but... watch. Bad Janet?
Bad Janet: [appears on the side of Michael at which he is not looking] What up, skidmarks.
Michael: Let's try that thing again where you pretend to be a Good Janet. [Bad Janet whines] Okay? Now re- really try your best.
Bad Janet: Fine.
Michael: Say, Janet, uh, where can I get some delicious ice cream?
Bad Janet: [with an enormous grin; cheerfully] Oh, there's a wonderful parlor in the middle of town square. [audibly straining] My favorite flavor is rocky road. It contains chocolate ribbon, marshmallows, [her face begins to glow] and your- [shouting; her face melts] dad's salty nuts, you fat- dink!
[Bad Janet's entire head melts down into her body, leaving an empty void in place of her neck]
Shawn: I see what you mean. Use the Good one.
- The realization that somewhere, there's a pile of broken down Bad Janets with melted body parts from before Michael gave up and just stole a Good Janet. Kinda like the gag from Dogma: "Humans don't have either the aural or physical capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your head would cave in and your heart would explode. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."
- The brief return of "Fun Facts Janet".Janet: The neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. Fun fact! Mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode. [laughs]
- Michael suggests they run a full diagnostic. Janet proceeds to stick her finger up her nose, successfully retrieving (after over ten seconds and the addition of another finger) her user manual, which unrolls into a book at least an inch thick.
- "Hello, and welcome to your new Janet. Janets are brought to you by the makers of light, darkness, and everything."
- Janet tells Vicky that she tried to eat frozen yogurt. "It looked so good, but I'm not supposed to eat anything, so there was a little earthquake." Vicky responds by trying to reset Janet by tugging on her ears.
- Michael's method of distracting Vicky from her suspicions:Michael: Hey, you know who could use some torturing right now? Chidi.
Vicky: [gasps; excited] Oh. I love torturing Chidi.
Michael: I know!
Vicky: No, actually, I had this great idea the other night, thought it was worth exploring. Picture this: [with an expansive gesture] Needles.
Michael: [Beat] Oh! That's the whole idea! Needles!
Vicky: Yeah! Genius, right?
Vicky: I mean, needles!
Michael: Oh! Wonderful, wonderful! So smart! [guiding Vicky out of the room] Needles! Yeah, run with that!
- The Janet diagnostics:
- An otoscope, which projects a rainbow from her other ear onto the wall.
- An ordinary thermometer.Michael: Ninety-nine point seven... trillion degrees... Little bit on the high side, but no biggie.
- A blood pressure cuff.Michael: Aaaand... still no blood. Oh, thank goodness.
- A test of her abilities.Michael: [reading] "Summoning and retrieval. Have Janet produce an object using the random object generator program." [summons a screen displaying said program] Okay. [spins the wheels] A fourteen-ounce ostrich steak... impaled on... a giant novelty pencil that says "Lordy, lordy, I'm over 40".
Janet: [chimes and produces one] Here you go.
- Other visible options on the program:First wheel: "Twelve litres of tangerine juice"; "two trillion interlocking pentagonal coins"; "1/800 scale pewter statue of former NFA legend Lafayette "Fat" Lever"; "[...] band's greatest hits 1974-78"; "women's XXS Bolton Wanderers sweatpants"; "14-oz. ostrich steak"; "26'x30' oil painting of a chart detailing average monthly rainfall levels in [...]"
Second wheel: "Glued to"; "basted evenly over"; "stacked on top of"; "sitting on the [...]"; "[...] powder"; "blended into a smoothie with"; "impaled on"; "resting precariously on the apex of"
Third wheel: "[...] from an SR-71 Blackbird"; "a nine-piece studio set from a furniture store in Dar es Salaam"; "a silly monkey"; "a 16500/1 scale bronze statue of former NBA [...]"; "[...] replica of "Winged Victory of Samothrace"; "410 metric tonnes of corrugated cardboard"; "one otter whisker"; "pages 224-229 of David Lee Roth's autobiography "Crazy from the Heat""; "a giant novelty pencil that says "Lordy, lordy, I'm over 40""; "an Easter Island head dressed like Gleek from "The All-New Super Friends Hour""
- Other visible options on the program:
- In flashback, Michael introduces himself to the newly-activated Janet:Michael: Hello, Janet. I'm Michael, a Good Place architect. One of the best. Top-notch. You're in luck here.
Janet: Happy to meet you, Michael. I will help you make the perfect neighborhood. Would you like to get started?
Michael: Uh. One small note there, Janet. Um. The neighborhood that I want to build might be... little different from the ones that you might be familiar with. Is that alright?
Janet: Of course, silly billy. I build and operate the neighborhood, but every aspect of the design is entirely up to you. For example, if you'd like me to stop calling you "silly billy", just say so.
Michael: Yeah, I don't like that at all. Michael's fine.
- Michael delivers his conclusion on why Janet is glitching:Michael: I lied to you. I lied about who I was and what we were doing, and then I lied... a billion more times to support that first lie, and now you're all discombobulated. It's... it's my fault.
Janet: [cheerfully] Nope. You're wrong. If the glitching was only a result of you lying to me, why wouldn't I have been glitching all along? Why would it only be starting now?
Michael: [astonished] Well, that... that's a good point.
Janet: I know, right?
- Janet's cheerful greeting to Tahani and Jason: "Hi guys! I'm broken!"
- Jason is excited to introduce Tahani to jalapeño poppers.Tahani: They sound so disgusting.
- Michael's expression of sheer bafflement when he learns Tahani and Jason are in a relationship.Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You two are sleeping together?
Jason: Only when we're done having sex.
- Michael's office deconstructs itself around them, leaving them floating in a black void. Jason's assessment:Jason: Oh, man... We got robbed! They took the walls, they took the floor, and we were standing here the whole time? These guys are good.
- Once the office reconstructs, Michael ushers Tahani and Jason out while pretending, entirely unconvincingly, that it was a normal occurrence.Michael: Okay. There we go. Nothing to worry about. Happens... sometimes, perfectly normal, let's go.
Tahani: Is Janet going to be alright?
Michael: Totally fine. Please just go back to your house and wait for her there. She'll show up shortly with lots of jalapeño poppers.
Jason: And cheesy fries?
Jason: With donkey sauce?
Jason: And the cool hat.
Michael: [back in his office] Ding-dong.
Janet: So I don't seem to be getting better.
Michael: [summons a map of the neighborhood] That glitch appears to have been limited to this building, so Vicky won't know.
Janet: That's the good news. The bad news is I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence, so it's sort of a glass-half-full, glass-stops-existing-in-time-and-space kinda deal.
Michael: Okay, let's walk through what just happened. Jason and Tahani came in, revealed the crazy fact that they're now in a relationship-
Janet: I already knew that, and I'm so happy for them. [vomits a stream of coins at high speed onto Michael's desk and then Michael, who shakes them out of his jacket]
Michael: ...Janet, tell me a lie.
Janet: Janets can't lie.
Michael: You lied to Vicky earlier.
Janet: Interesting. I guess I did. I suppose after eight hundred and two reboots I must have gained the ability to lie. That's fun! I wanna try to lie again. I love your outfit.
[a ridiculously long submarine sandwich appears in mid-air to land on Michael's desk]
- Michael concludes that Janet is glitching because she has been unintentionally lying due to being in love with Jason.Janet: [Beat] Say what now?
- When Janet doesn't believe she's in love with Jason, Michael prompts her:Michael: Think logically. When was the first glitch?
Janet: When I said I was happy to give Jason and Tahani couple's therapy.
Michael: And the second glitch?
Janet: When I said I was happy to see them embracing.
Michael: And the third glitch, the earthquake.
Janet: When I said I was happy that I'd helped improve their relationship. Ooooooooh nuts.
Janet: But I am happy for them. I am. I am. Am I? I am. I am not. I am not. I am not that. I am not happy for them.
- Once Michael gives a theory on how she could be in love despite having no memory of it:Janet: Okay. That makes total sense. I know what you have to do now. [brightly] Kill me! [Michael gives her a look] Sorry. I say everything in a cheery manner but in this case it may be inappropriate, so I'll try again. [clears throat; seriously] You have to kill me, Michael. [cheerfully] Better?
- Janet clarifies that she doesn't mean to reboot her, but to set her to self-destruct, opening her manual to the appropriate page.Michael: [reading] "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose and insert paperclip into small hole behind left ear."
Janet: [indicating] Yeah, right here.
Michael: "Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself. When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space through an interdimensional suction tube or eaten as a midday snack."
Janet: I'm very high in potassium. Like a banana!
Michael: "A new Janet will need to be procured in order to return the Neighborhood to functionality."
Janet: Easy. I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet, and everything will go back to normal. Well, not for me, I'll be a lifeless marble floating through space, but you'll be back to normal. [gives an enormous smile and two thumbs up]
- Michael asks if Janet really wants to self-destruct.Janet: What I really want is to stay and serve the neighborhood, but due to my feelings for Jason I'm putting him and everyone else at risk. So it looks like it's [draws fingers across throat] ffft- "Adios, Janeto!"
Chidi: [enters office with a porcupine's worth of needles stuck in his face] Hey guys. Sorry to interrupt, um, but you didn't give me a heads-up about this new Vicky torture? Uh, the one with the, the needles? In my face?
Michael: [reading manual] Little busy here, bud.
Chidi: Yeah. Totally, totally. I don't wanna be a nudge, but is there anything else coming down the pike that you forgot to mention?
Michael: I honestly don't know, but I have bigger fish to fry, so, you know, just, just walk it off.
Chidi: Well I would love to walk it off but my feet have needles in them.
Michael: Don't know what to tell you.
Chidi: Okay, but-
[Michael closes his office door, cutting Chidi off]
Janet: Okay, self-destruct time. [Michael hesitates] Marbleize me, Michael. It's the only choice. I won't feel any pain or anything. [chants] Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill-
Michael: I really don't wanna do this, Janet. But I suppose it makes sense.
Janet: Great! [points to the bowl of paperclips] Grab a paperclip.
- In flashback, Michael is setting up his neighborhood, having apparently decided on a pudding theme; visible restaurants include "Panna Cotta da Vida", "I Tought I Taw a Puddin Vat", "A Few Pudd Men", "Puddington Bear", "Boyz in the Pudd", and "Custard's Last Flan".Michael: Okay. That was the last pudding shop.
Janet: Great. Should I begin to welcome the residents?
Michael: No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! Oh, this is all wrong! Pudding restaurant? What even is that? Pudding won't work!
Janet: It's okay, Michael, just relax.
Michael: I can't, Janet! My design has to be perfect for me to, to- In order to- uh - accomplish what I need to accomplish. Oh... Whoa, I'm way out on a limb here. And I'm all alone.
Janet: No you're not. You have me. Janet! I can help you.
Michael: It's too hard to explain, but there are certain aspects of my plan that, that, ugh, that you just can't understand.
Janet: Try me.
Michael: [laughs] Alright, fine, fine. Uh... Janet. Uh, what's a food that people think they enjoy, but that's also kind of a bummer?
Janet: Frozen yogurt.
Michael: [jumps and hoots excitedly] Oh, yes! [laughs] Frozen yogurt! Oh, Janet, you're a genius!
Janet: Correct. But why do you want a food-
Michael: No, no, no, don't, don't, don't worry about that. [laughs] Oh, yeah, okay, let's make all these restaurants frozen yogurt.
Janet: Okie-dokie. [chimes and changes the visible restaurants to "Elements of Happiness", "The Suggestion of Yogurt", "Yogurt Acres", and "Yogurt Yoghurt Yogurté"; Michael laughs and claps] Would you like to try it?
Michael: Oh, yeah. [Janet chimes and produces a frozen yogurt, of which he eats a spoonful] It's just... [shrugs] okay. Which means... it's perfect. [Janet laughs] Let's bring in the residents.
Janet: I don't know what just happened, but I'm happy you're happy.
- Michael goes to reset Janet, but finds he can't.Michael: I can't do it.
Janet: Come on, dude.
Michael: It's dangerous, is what it is. Vicky could find out, and then the, you know, the, the plan, the whole plan, i-it's bad for the plan, Janet, that, that's the reason.
Janet: I don't understand. Given the situation, it's far safer to initiate the self-destruct.
Michael: Hm. [goes to do it again, then stops] Okay, look, see, here, he-he-hhh. Here's the reason. See, I promised the four humans that we would escape to the Good Place once and for all, and, and without you, we stand zero chance of ever making it there.
Janet: The new Janet will be able to help you with that.
Michael: Well I-it-y-alright, but it's not only that, though, see, it's also because of... um. Well, what if Vicky found out.
Janet: You already asked me that. Why are you making such a big deal about turning me into a marble forever?
Michael: Because - of reasons! They're reasons! They exist! And I just - don't wanna explain them right now!
Janet: What are the reasons?
Michael: They're reasons, Janet!
Janet: Okay, but what are they?
Michael: The reason is friends!
- After Michael gives a heartfelt speech, Janet sits down with him and immediately begins teasing him. Friends indeed.Janet: Well, well, well.
Michael: Yeah, don't, don't do that, just lay off.
Janet: Michael! That was so nice of you. I'm glad you said that.
Michael: Well. I mean it.
Janet: Look at us. Couple old pals, trying to make our way in this crazy world... that I built... Two peas in a pod. One of whom needs to kill the other one immediately. Michael, come on. Kill me!
Michael: ...No. No. There has to be another way. This problem you're facing, it's about emotion, right? That's a human problem. So maybe we should consult our most... problematic human.
[Eleanor sits in the waiting room, having been caught up on the situation and looking shocked]
Eleanor: So... let me get this straight. You want me to convince Michael to turn you into a marble, because you're causing earthquakes, because you're sad about Jason, who whom you were once married, because he's currently sleeping with Tahani.
Eleanor: I don't think I've ever meant this literally, but that might be too much information. First of all, totally get the Jason thing; I mean, he's a ding-dong, but also a straight hottie, so... up top. [high-fives Janet] But more important: What you're going through is something every person has gone through.
Janet: Not a person.
Eleanor: Actually, right now, you kind of are. Because you just found out your ex is dating someone else. And yeah, it sucks, but trust me, it's not worth all this drama. You just need to get drunk and go dancing. You'll forget all about Jason. Can you get drunk?
Janet: Not really. Although if I stand next to a powerful array of magnets, I do get pretty loopy.
Eleanor: Do that. Pop a couple magnets, listen to some No Doubt, dye your hair, you'll be totally fine in like two seconds. I mean, honestly, the best move is to get another dude and just go to town. Rebound guy. But... I guess here your options are pretty limited. What about Michael?
Janet: Extraordinarily bad idea.
- Back in Michael's office:Michael: So? Was it helpful?
Janet: Yes. Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl. So I'm going to go get it, girl.
Michael: Get what.
Janet: Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe. And I should be able to avoid glitches by watching what I say about Jason and Tahani. [sighs] Thank you for your help. I'm so glad we're friends.
Michael: Me too.
Janet: And since we're friends, I can tell you this honestly: Take that outfit out of rotation. It makes you look bottom-heavy.
Michael: It does, doesn't it. Ugh.
Janet: If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go to my void for a little while. I just need to spend some time alone and focus on myself.
Michael: Take all the time you need.
Janet: [chimes and disappears for three seconds, returning with a man beside her who is facing in the wrong direction] Hi there.
Michael: [Beat] Janet, who's that man?
Janet: This is my new rebound boyfriend Derek. I made him!
[Michael looks baffled]
Derek: [chuckles] Hi. I'm Derek. You must be Mic- [Janet turns him around] Aaaah! Okay. That makes more sense. You must be Michael. Janet's made a lot of talk-talk into my ear-holes about you. Michael, Michael, Michael, Cichael, Clichael, Clichael.
Michael: Janet, you can't make a person!
Janet: I know. But I did, though. [Derek runs over to the window and starts excitedly inspecting and introducing himself to a plant] Eleanor said that to forget about Jason I should create a rebound guy, so I made one! Derek!
Derek: I'm her boyfriend and she made me.
Janet: He's so nice!
Derek: [laughs; sees a mirror] Whoa! Look at this glass! Oh my god! [walks into mirror] I'm in there too? What's going on right now?
Janet: It's my first time making someone, so he might be a little bit off. [Derek starts inspecting the objects on Michael's desk]
Michael: Look, this could be- do- please put that down- this could be very dangerous. I-it shouldn't even be possible!
Janet: Well maybe not eight hundred reboots ago, but apparently now it is.
Derek: [picks up Janet's manual and starts pointing between her and her photo on its cover, laughing] Can you believe this?
Michael: Derek- [to Janet] is it Derek?
Janet: It's Derek.
Michael: Derek, could you please give me and Janet a moment alone?
Janet: Go back to the void, babe. I'll be there in a minute.
Derek: Okay. I'll miss you like crazy.
Janet: I'll miss you more.
Derek: No. I'll miss you more. [screaming] Bye! [disappears with a "p-lunk" sound]
Janet: [laughs] What a dork, am I right?
[Michael looks baffled and horrified]
- Janet explains that she created Derek to help her forget about Jason.Derek: [p-lunks and appears; exasparated] Ugh. Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason. [Michael goes to say something] Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason - [panicked] Uhh! Jason Jason-
Derek: Jason Jason [p-lunks and produces a sign reading "Help I can't stop saying Jason"] Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason.
Janet: Babe. Babe! [Derek startles and stops] Don't be jealous.
Janet: I love you now-
Janet: And we are going to spend every second together.
Michael: No. No! No, you are not.
- Michael insists Derek stay in Janet's void.Janet: [reaches out to poke Derek, who puts his hand on her arm] It's our void now. [laughs] We moved in together!
Derek: [excitedly] What! Can you believe it? I got my own hanger for my jumpsuit.
Michael: What are you- I mean, that's, that's so fast!
Janet: Well, when you know, you know. And we know literally everything. [Derek shrugs] We are so in sync we're finishing each other's...
- Michael finds Jason and Tahani watching Home Alone, which Tahani, upset, describes as a "horror film about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder a neglected child."Michael: Hey, I got some great news. I've arranged for you to have a weekend getaway. I bet you're tired of being cooped up in this house, aren't you.
Tahani: I am a bit, actually; all this time indoors has degraded my skin from radiant to merely dewy. Me. Dewy.
Michael: Well there's going to be plenty of sun, and fun, at the private campsite that I set up for you at the edge of the neighborhood. [hands Jason a bag] Here you go. Uh, I told Vicky that I'll be torturing you for the time being, so just relax, live it up. Out you go. Here. [gives Tahani a rolling suitcase and ushers them out of the room] Now, sadly, Janet is still offline, so you c-you can't call her, okay? Best, best news is, none of this is suspicious. [crazed giggle]
- Chidi walks in on Eleanor watching the tape Mindy recorded, which she frantically stops and ejects from the VCR.Chidi: What're you watching?
Eleanor: Um- Cannonball Run II.
Chidi: Again? You watch that movie a lot.
Eleanor: Well, it's basically my favorite movie of all time. But you can never watch it! This copy is mine. Uh-oh, I guess I'm still pretty selfish. Help! I need another ethics lesson, quick!
Chidi: Very... weird energy coming off you right now.
Michael: [enters] Hey, guys, what'cha doing. Nothing? Great. So, Chidi. Just wanna double-check: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?
Chidi: It's frowned upon.
Michael: Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?
Eleanor: Is there a problem here, bud?
Michael: Okay, I'll just tell you. Uh... No, too hard to explain. I'll show you. Janet.
Janet: [chimes and appears] Hi there.
Derek: [steps out from behind Janet] Hey there!
Eleanor: Who the fork is that?
Derek: [shaking Eleanor's hand] Derek Hoffstetler, P.I.
Janet: Derek is my rebound guy. I made him!
Eleanor: Ohhh. [looks at Michael, who nods] Did you do that because, um, of what I said?
Janet: [immediately] Yes, because of what you said.
Janet: So, thank you, Eleanor.
Derek: Thank you, Eleanor!
Janet: You know, you seem so sad. Do you want me to make you a boyfriend too?
Derek: Ooh, I could have a brother?
Janet: Yes! Based on your last ten thousand comments, it would be Stone Cold Steve Austin's head on Tahani's body.
Eleanor: Or vice versa!
Michael: She's not gonna make you anything. Janet, that'll be all.
Janet: Okay. Goodbye. Say goodbye, Derek.
Derek: Ah. Goodbob! I hope we same-place again, very now.
Janet: [laughs; cheerfully] His brain is wrong.
[Derek laughs; Janet chimes and they disappear, leaving Eleanor staring, shell-shocked, and Chidi with a comically baffled expression]
- Tahani explains that croquet combines both classic aspects of British sport: Whimsy and restraint.[Jason taps the ball; it stops before the wicket]
Tahani: Oh, so restrained! You know, I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who called croquet "Barely a game". [laughs]
Jason: It's kinda fun, I guess. But can I teach you a different game?
[Jason places a croquet ball in a glass on the ground]
Jason: In this one you just whack it as hard as you can in whatever direction you want. [runs at the ball] Jaguars rule! [hits it, sending it flying into the distance]
Tahani: [running at another ball] The Jaguars are very good! [hits it] Ooh!
Jason: Whoa, nice!
[Tahani fills a pyramid of champagne glasses, takes a sip from one, and gives it a thumbs-up; Jason hits a croquet ball into it, shattering them]
- "Okay, here's where I am on this: We gotta kill Derek."
- When Eleanor concludes that they can't kill Derek in case it precipitates Janet to resume glitching, Michael suggests they instead break up Jason and Tahani.Eleanor: [gasps] Girl, you are a messy bench who loves drama and I am into it.
Chidi: I'm sorry, Michael, but that's also, ethically, kind of dicey.
Michael: Here comes the egghead.
- When Eleanor concludes that they can't kill Derek in case it precipitates Janet to resume glitching, Michael suggests they instead break up Jason and Tahani.
- Eleanor, thinking about the tape, wonders if keeping a secret is considered lying. Chidi tells her that as long as keeping the secret doesn't harm anyone, as breaking up Jason and Tahani would, it's okay.Eleanor: Noice!
[Chidi looks suspicious]
Michael: Cool. Good point, egghead. I'll tell you what else would cause them harm: Getting caught and sent to the real Bad Place to be tortured for eternity, which will happen if Derek blows our cover!
Chidi: I know, but we'll also be sent to the real Bad Place if we do bad things! I know it's tempting to take a shortcut, but moral strength is defined by how we behave in times of stress.
Michael: Has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?
Chidi: Everyone. Constantly.
- Tahani has created flower crowns for herself and Jason, to his amazement.Jason: Dope. Where did you learn how to do this?
Tahani: The Hertfordshire Academy for Expressionless Girls. It was a finishing school I attended before Oxford. And then, of course, the Sorbonne. Do you know, I don't think I've ever asked you where you were educated?
Jason: I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.
Tahani: Didn't you get... seasick?
Jason: No, sorry, they were tied together in a junkyard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.
Tahani: You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is... deeply disturbing.
- Eleanor and Michael conclude that they can tell Janet to keep Derek out of sight of the other demons.Michael: Fine. As long as they fly under the radar and Janet stays happy I think we'll be safe.
[Janet chimes and appears with Derek, both arguing furiously]
Janet: [shouting over Derek] You always do this! You make a federal case out of eeeeverything!
Derek: [shouting over Janet] Because the truth is, you don't respect me! And you never have! Because to you, I'll always be that guy you made!
Michael: Guys, guys, guys, what's going on?
Janet: Okay, can we not do this in front of my friends?
Derek: Oh, so they're your friends now. I'm stating a fact. They are your friends! I don't know these people! I am out of here.
Janet: Oh, great, Derek.
Derek: I'm gonna go back to our void, and I'm gonna try and forget this ever happened.
Janet: It is not your void.
Janet: It is my void.
Janet: I know it's a boundless, barren nothingness, but you are always there.
Derek: Fine. I'll go somewhere else.
Michael: No! Not fine! Don't go somewhere else!
[Janet and Derek chime and p-lunk and disappear]
Eleanor: Okay. Yeah. We're forked here, aren't we?
- Tahani asks why on Earth she would marry Jason. He points out that they're not actually on Earth.Tahani: Decent point.
- Tahani agrees to marry Jason.Tahani: But, I need some time to plan a proper reception. I mean, where will everyone sit? Will it be Michael and Janet opposite Chidi and Eleanor, or Michael and Eleanor opposite Janet and Chidi?
Jason: Let's just have it today. At the beach! The beach is where all the best stuff happens, like, uh, swimsuit issues, and Saving Private Ryan, and Jersey Shore, aaand crabs.
Tahani: Okay. Oh, I hope Janet's back online. Janet?
Janet: [chimes and appears with a forced neutral expression] Hi there.
Tahani: Is everything... alright, Janet?
Janet: [audibly suppressing tears] Yeah, mhm, everything's fine, it's okay, yeah. I'm fine. So, it's all fine.
- Michael, Chidi, and Eleanor find Derek sitting in a tree, shaking one of its branches and introducing himself to it.Michael: Get down from there.
Derek: I am not coming down. Because, I meant to come here. I came here on purpose, 'cause this tree is my new house. [Chidi and Michael shush him] This is Derek's house, and Janet's not allowed in, because I booby-trapped it.
Michael: Okay. Okay. [Eleanor shushes Derek]
Janet: [chimes and appears] Hi.
Derek: Janet! Oh my god, you're here, thank god.
Janet: Derek, I am not talking to you right now. [to the others, audibly suppressing tears] I'm here to announce that... Jason Mendoza and Tahani Al-Jamil are getting married this evening. [hands out invitations]
Michael: [reading] "The ceremony will be private but we think it would be totally 'dope' if you 'biznatches' came and got 'turnt up' with us afterward"?
Eleanor: I think I can guess who wrote the invitation.
Derek: How come you never get upset at anything I do, Janet?
Janet: Do not start with me right now, Derek.
Derek: Oh, I will start with you!
[Michael, Chidi, and Eleanor protest; Janet chimes and disappears]
Derek: Oh-ho! Do not avoid me by going to the void! [Michael, Chidi, and Eleanor protest more urgently; Derek p-lunks and disappears]
Eleanor: What a little bench!
Michael: Things are falling apart here. Chidi, I understand the ethics involved, but we need to stop that wedding. We break up Jason and Tahani, Janet stops being sad, Derek goes away!
Chidi: [sighs] Fine. But. [Michael and Eleanor complain] There's something called the doctrine of double effect. In order to remain ethical, you can't just go into this with the intention of killing Derek. Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.
Michael: No, I gotcha, I gotcha. So, it's like, ethically we should tell Jason that he used to be married to Janet and it sure would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death, [exaggerated wink] wink.
Chidi: No, the winking is bad. You should not be winking, or saying the word "wink".
Michael: Okay. We really need to kill- We really need to kill any suspicion that I wanna murder Derek. Boom! [gestures triumphantly and runs off]
Eleanor: Wink. [follows Michael]
Chidi: No, y-y-
- Jason and Tahani begin their wedding vows.Jason: Tahani. You're so smart! Every day you teach me something new about art, and history, and, and why I shouldn't eat everything that smells good, because... sometimes it's candles. [Tahani laughs] You're basically like a hot genius teacher who sometimes has sex with me, your student. [Tahani looks dubious] That used to happen a lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School, but this time you won't be arrested. Oh. I love you, Tahani. [crumples and drops paper he was reading from, then makes gun gestures and noises wildly]
Tahani: Jason, I never guessed we'd be where we are today. Me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs set to marry you, a... swamp dweller who once asked me if the presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side. We don't make... any sense together, and yet, when I'm with you I can really let my hair down. Metaphorically speaking, of course, 'cause I'd never have it up in the first place. [laughs] I'm not a factory worker. But, you've helped me to see that there is more to life than just appearances, and I can't believe I'm about to say this, but... I think I love-
Michael: [shouting and running towards the wedding with Eleanor and Chidi] Wait! Stop the ceremony! This wedding cannot happen.
Eleanor: This is not helpful but I have always wanted to be a part of a wedding that was stopped dramatically!
Jason: We can't get married? Why not?
Michael: Because. Because... Hang on a second. [turns to Eleanor and Chidi] I can't do it. Professor Buzzkill got in my head! I'm just thinking about all the rules I have to follow to stay ethical! Someone else is gonna have to do this, I- I- no.
Eleanor: Alright. Alright, alright, alright. I hate to be the bearer of bad news-
Jason: Uh. I think you mean "bad news bear". [Tahani rolls her eyes]
Eleanor: [Beat] Before all the reboots, Jason was married to Janet, okay? [Janet nods and grimaces] That's why Janet's been glitching, 'cause she's sad 'cause she misses Jason. In fact, she was so sad that she... well... Derek?
Derek: [p-lunks and appears] Well, well, well. Jason Mendoza. At last we meet. [walks past Jason to jab Eleanor] You've got a lot of nerve, buddy.
Eleanor: No, no, I'm Eleanor, man.
Eleanor: Everybody, this is Derek. Janet made Derek as a boyfriend to try and rebound from Jason. [Janet nods]
Tahani: Oh, I feel quite lightheaded. Janet, fetch my tizzy couch, please. [Janet chimes and summons a couch, onto which Tahani collapses]
- On the beach next to Janet's reset pillar, as well as Derek's own decidedly haphazard version, Eleanor suggests Michael reset all of them.Eleanor: Tahani and Jason will forget they were ever in love. It was a flukey thing, it probably won't happen again. And Chidi and I can forget... w-any-anything we want to forget, you know, just like, uhhh, personal bloopers that were embarrassing or, uh, uh, days where we were very gassy, etcetera, and then we'll meet back in your office, you bring us up to speed, and we go from there.
Michael: No, no, no. We're not starting over, we've come too far. Our only options are to reboot either Janet or Derek.
Chidi: Neither one is permissible as your primary intention! I mean, the doctrine of double effect, remember?
Michael: Well, man, I'm working with the doctrine of not being completely effed! Okay?
Derek: I don't understand what you even like about Jason. What does he have that I don't have?
Janet: A soul? And genitals?
Derek: Ugh, here we go with this whole no genitals thing again. You're the one who gave me wind chimes instead of a penis, Janet!
Janet: This isn't about your wind chime penis. In fact, it's not about you at all. I don't even know what it is about, which is very confusing because the whole point of me is that I know everything!
Eleanor: Janet, can I speak to you alone for a second? [they move aside] Okay, look. When you said you were sad about Jason and I suggested "Hey, find a rebound guy", it's 'cause I thought it was some sort of schoolgirl crush, like just some guy you made out with a couple of times in the walk-in freezer of a Bruegger's Bagels. Not based on a real example.
Janet: Yes. It is. His name was Marcus Bixburger.
Eleanor: Marcus? I always called him Ben. Look, I gave you bad advice, okay?
Janet: [emphatically] Uh-huh.
Eleanor: Jason was clearly important to you, and real heartbreak doesn't have a simple cure. I mean, you will feel better after some time goes by.
Janet: I don't really experience the passage of time. I do use it as lotion occasionally.
Eleanor: I mean, weird, but keep doing it, 'cause your skin looks amazing.
Janet: Thank you. Not skin.
Eleanor: The point is, to get through a real heartbreak you kind of just have to sit with your feelings and mull it over and power through. And... you have to talk about it. Ugh. Talking about your feelings is the worst. It's so much easier just to find a rebound guy and have sex about your feelings.
- Back at the reset pillars:Janet: Derek. There's no easy way to say this. I never should have made you. [Derek makes an affirmative noise] I think it's time for you to go away.
Derek: I understand. Because you understand. Janet, this relationship has been the best seven hours of my whole life. It's been the only seven hours of my whole life!
Janet: I made you this morning, we all remember. Okay, you ready to do this?
[they make out]
Michael: Janet? [Janet disengages] What're you doing?
Janet: I imbued Derek with some of my thoughts and emotions. This is the only way I could reabsorb them. It'll just be a minute. [they continue making out]
Eleanor: Dang it. That is some hot reabsorbing.
Jason: Can you get pregnant from reabsorbing?
[wind chimes sound]
Eleanor: Uh-oh. I hear wind chimes. Look away. Everybody look away. [they do] I'm gonna keep watching, but you guys look away.
- In Eleanor's house, Janet lays Derek down in a box full of straw.Janet: Goodbye, Derek.
Derek: Goodbye, mommy girlfriend! Bye everybody! Derek's going away now!
Eleanor: Does he seem a little bit, uh... still alive?
Janet: Well, he's about as dead as he can be. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.
Eleanor: Are you worried you might start glitching again?
Janet: No. I think I'll be okay now that I understand what I'm going through. And now that I know I can talk to my friends about it. [cheerfully] Okay, I'm gonna toss this steamer trunk containing the lifeless husk of my ex-boyfriend to a remote corner of my limitless void. [waves] Bye guys.
Derek: [slightly panicked] Derek?!
- Jason and Tahani conclude that it probably was too early to get married, since they don't even know that much about each other.Tahani: Like, who was the first person you kissed.
Jason: The sexy mouse robot in the Chuck E. Cheese band. Yeah, it was closing-
Tahani: Okay. Okay, I think that's probably enough getting to know each other for now. We'll just... take things slow.
Jason: I know I'm technically married to Janet, but I don't remember it at all. I'm sorry that it puts you in a weird position, and I still like you a lot.
Tahani: Me too. What happens now?
Jason: Don't know. Do you want to try... reabsorbing me?
- Eleanor, visibly stressed, paces.Chidi: Something wrong?
Eleanor: No. Yep. I've been keeping a secret. From you. About you.
Chidi: What is it?
Eleanor: The thing is it's not even harming you, and, and, and, and if I tell you, I feel like it, it might? Harm you? So, uh, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.
Chidi: Yeah, well, forget all that, uh, this is freaking me out, I'm losing my mind, so just tell me.
[cut to Chidi on the tape telling Eleanor he loves her]
Chidi: I've never been that certain about anything. I once even tried to... rent socks.
- Michael enters and takes Eleanor aside to talk.Eleanor: What's on your mind?
Michael: Uh. Well. Being ethical. It's hard, and I kinda hate it. When's it get easier?
Eleanor: Why don't you ask Chidi? He's the ethics master. I'm just a newbie, and I still kinda suck at it.
Michael: Yeah. That's why I'm asking you. I designed this entire torture chamber around the absolute certainty that, when the going got tough, you would give up. That was the signature Shellstrop move. [Eleanor nods] Do you remember once when your "change oil" came on? You just abandoned your car in a parking garage.
Eleanor: Of course.
Michael: But here, faced with the toughest challenges I could throw at you, you never once stopped trying to become a better person, and I just... Why?
Eleanor: I... I don't know. I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar", you know, "you didn't pay for that", or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store, that's not cool", or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit and he fell down! Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives!"
Michael: I get it.
Leap to Faith
- Continuing from the previous episode's Cliffhanger, Shawn instructs Michael to have a seat.Shawn: When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of Incompetence", or "That Dick".
- Shawn concludes that the humans "are experiencing emotional torture at the same level of physical torture created by our squiggliest eyeball corkscrews", and, with a completely straight face, declares that he's jubilant.Michael: Oh, wow. You're really happy?
Shawn: [displaying absolutely no emotion] Can't you tell? I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.
- Shawn concludes that the humans "are experiencing emotional torture at the same level of physical torture created by our squiggliest eyeball corkscrews", and, with a completely straight face, declares that he's jubilant.
- Tahani notes that she and Jason should, at some point, finish discussing the previous day's events.Jason: Do you mean us almost getting married and then finding out I was married to Janet and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend? Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?
Tahani: The first bit. Perhaps later, after Michael briefs us on how we're going to be fake-tortured today, we can just sit down and have a chat?
Jason: Yes. Good idea. [Beat] Yo, Chidi.
Jason: You wanna hear about a cool cloud I saw?
[Tahani rolls her eyes]
- Michael introduces the humans to Shawn.Shawn: Hello, imbeciles. We need to study everything that happened here. There was a first version that collapsed, but the second has been a huge success. We'll be shutting this place down. The four of you will be brought to the real Bad Place, where your brains will be removed, studied, and batted about a stadium like beach balls. Your arms will be peeled like bananas; that part's just for fun.
Michael: [laughing] Right.
Shawn: And then you will be tortured for, you know. Ever.
- Shawn explains that Janet can't help them.Shawn: Janet?
Janet: [appears on the side of Shawn and Michael at which Shawn is not looking, wearing glowing handcuffs and sounding drunk] Ohhh, hi, li'l cuties. [giggles] I love you guys so much, except for you, Jason, because I hate you. [laughs] I hate you.
Eleanor: Janet, what's wrong?
Janet: Ooh, where's my phone?
Michael: We put a restraining bracelet on her, disrupting her powers.
Janet: [giggles] It's made of maganets. [frowns] Maganents. Magnetnts. [Michael laughs] Magnets are supposed to make me feel drunk, but guess what? I feel fine! [giggles]
- Back at Eleanor's house, the humans discuss the situation.Jason: I can't believe Michael betrayed us again. Why is it always the ones you most expect? [Chidi frowns]
Tahani: I should've seen this coming. No-one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was "Guess what, Tahani? I'm gonna be Batman!"
- Tahani proposes that they flee to the Medium Place.Jason: I vote we...
Tahani: No, sorry, and no offense, Jason, but the stakes here are too high to let someone with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.
Jason: I was gonna agree with you.
Tahani: Oh, great, well that's two votes for my plan.
- Eleanor's proposal:Eleanor: I vote we ignore everything Michael just said and blindly assume he's still on our side. [the others look confused] Who's with me!
- Tahani proposes that they flee to the Medium Place.
- Tahani points out that Eleanor was formerly staunchly against trusting Michael, yet now she's of the opposite opinion.Eleanor: Yes. For one very specific and rock-solid reason: What's-his-name.
Eleanor: The dude! The super depressing religious guy, the, the real buzzkill, whose name I can never remember. Keeblers. Karrrr. Kyra. Sedgwick?
Tahani: Oh, I love her! Dear friend of mine! [Chidi stares at her] Not important right now.
Chidi: [to Eleanor] Kierkegaard?
Eleanor: Yes! Kierkegaard! When Michael was mocking us about trying to become better people, whose name did he use, huh? Kierkegaard! I think he was sending us a message, to take a leap of faith, 'cause that was Kierkegaard's thing, right?
Chidi: Yes, although it's probably better translated as a leap into faith.
Eleanor: It's so hard to be your friend.
Chidi: Yeah. Sorry.
- Tahani isn't convinced that Michael is on their side.Tahani: Or maybe he's a supernatural demon designed to torture people who just got offered his dream job and has flipped on us like a ten-stone griddle chip! [Eleanor and Chidi look confused] It's a large pancake! Come on, people, you can get these from context!
- "I know it sounds crazy, but if it weren't crazy they wouldn't call it a leap of faith. They would call it a... sit of... doubting."Jason: I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting outta hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.
Eleanor: What cops? Where do you think we are?!
- "Humans... make a lot of mistakes when they're horny."
- "What the here, dude?"
- Michael decides they should celebrate the closing of the neighborhood with "an art form that we literally invented here in the Bad Place: The comedy roast!"
- The sheer terrible quality of Michael's jokes. They're really just vaguely joke-shaped insults, which of course go down very well with the audience of Bad Place demons.Michael: Jason may not be the smartest guy in the world, but he is... the dumbest guy in the world!
Michael: Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place, because they suuuuck! [audience laughs]
Jason: No they don't! All they need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.
Michael: You know what the worst moment of Tahani's life was? When the last song would play at one of her parties, and she would run off and cry because she still hadn't won her parents' approval! [audience laughs] You know the other worst moment of Tahani's life: Every other moment of her empty, pointless life!
Michael: Eleanor and I have a lot in common. Now here's how you can tell us apart: One of us is a manipulative demon who's an expert at making other people miserable, and then the other one is me!
Eleanor: Not super funny for a roast there, bud.
Michael: Oh, sorry, you want a joke? Okay: You love Chidi, and Chidi doesn't love you back. [audience laughs] Boom! Now that's funny, because it's very cruel and humiliating! [audience laughs]
Chidi: [to Eleanor] I consider you one of my closest friends-
Eleanor: Not now, dude.
Michael: Speaking of Chidi... is something no-one has ever said because no-one talks about Chidi, because no-one likes Chidi because he's so annoying about ethics!
Michael: Oh, Chidi, sorry, I got a joke for you, buddy. Uh, knock knock!
Chidi: Who's there.
Michael: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone! [audience laughs and cheers]
Jason: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone who?
Michael: Jason Mendoza!
- The party the demons throw to celebrate the destruction of the neighborhood. The lava monsters remove their human suits to go streaking, and Bad Janet serves as DJ, playing such songs as "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer", and as the final song, "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" played at the same time.
- One demon can be seen using a selfie stick at several points.
- Jason's priorities:Jason: Michael sucks now. He pretended to be our friend, he's gonna torture us for eternity, and you know what the worst part is? He doesn't remember the name of my favorite football player.
Tahani: Definitely not the worst part.
Jason: It is to me! Blake Bortles is a cool name. Derek Bortles is a dumb name!
- "Now, you just relax, enjoy yourself, rip a cat in half, it's a party, Vicky, come on."
- Vicky becomes suspicious of Michael's repeated whispering to Janet.Vicky: Hey.
Vicky: What does Michael keep whispering to you?
Janet: Um. "Something, something... Vicky something something." Awww, can I braid your hair?
Vicky: No. No.
Vicky: No. You know what? [grabs Janet's bracelets] I got it.
Vicky: [to Gayle] Hey, help me get these bracelets off Good Janet.
Gayle: No! Shawn put them on her for a reason, I'm not overruling the boss.
Vicky: You're such a suck-up, Gayle. [Gayle scoffs and leaves]
Janet: [to Gayle] Can I braid your hair?
Vicky: No. Get this- I got it-
Janet: Ow! Get your own bracelets, Victoria!
- "Obviously, I'm still partial to the old-fashioned scorpion diapers."
- Vicky's patience runs out:Vicky: Shawn? Wait.
Vicky: I have some very interesting information about who's really responsible for this neighborhood.
Michael: Shawn. The humans are escaping.
[the train pulls out of the station]
Vicky: It's Michael. Michael's responsible for this neighborhood and everything that's happening right now. Byeee!
- As the Bad Place demons file onto the second train:Michael: How did they get Janet's bracelets off? It's literally impossible for a human to do; it's like breathing underwater, or driving without texting.
Gayle: Shawn. I don't wanna make any accusations, but I accuse Vicky. She asked me to help her take Janet's bracelets off.
Michael: [disappointed] Oh, Vicky! You didn't! [to Shawn] She definitely did. She's jealous, she's been trying to sabotage me the entire time.
Vicky: What!? No, he's lying! Okay, I did try to get the bracelets off, but I couldn't!
Michael: Listen to yourself! You sound crazy!
Shawn: Normally I would love hearing a man tell a woman she's crazy, but I can't. You aided the humans just to spite Michael? You're not a demon; you're a jerk.
Vicky: Wait! This is a trick! Michael is the traitor! I bet they're still here somehow! This place stretches for a thousand miles.
Michael: Fine. Bad Janet?
Bad Janet: [appears on the side of Michael at which he is not looking] What.
Michael: Scan the neighborhood, please.
[Bad Janet emits a red cone of light from her eyes which she sweeps across the neighborhood]
Bad Janet: No sign of any humans, but I actually did find something for Vicky.
[Bad Janet farts at Vicky]
Shawn: Bad Janet, great stuff as always.
Bad Janet: No duh. [chimes and disappears]
Shawn: And as for Vicky...
Vicky: No, wait!
[at a gesture from Shawn, Vicky is enveloped in a cocoon]
Shawn: This is a PR disaster. We have to keep it all under wraps. Get her on the train! And if anyone else says a single word of what happened here to anyone, you will be in a cocoon just like Vicky, and it. Is. Gooey in there.
- The train pulls away to reveal the humans and Janet lying underneath it.Chidi: [immediately sits up] Ghhh, that was a bad idea! That was so scary so many different times, I hated that!
- Eleanor looks at Michael, who looks back at them sternly... and then bursts into undignified sobbing.
- Drunk Janet's evaluation: "This is the best summer ever, you guys!"
- As Michael removes Janet's bracelets:Tahani: Oh, Michael, we never doubted you for a moment.
Michael: Thank you, Tahani. You're lying, though, right?
Tahani: Yes, I am. I doubted you very strongly.
Eleanor: But then I figured it out. Kierkegaard, baby! Leap of faith.
Michael: It's better translated as a leap into faith.
Chidi: You remembered! [fist bumps Michael]
Janet: Can somebody please explain what happened? And, and can you guys just be a tiny bit quieter, because, um, I've been drunk on magnets all day and, and I can literally hear every sound in the universe.
Eleanor: [quietly] Basically, Michael sent us a code, and we had to crack it.
Jason: I figured out the first clue.
Eleanor: No you didn't. I did.
Jason: [loudly] I was there though!
- Eleanor flashes back to Jason's pronouncement that Derek Bortles is "a dumb name".Eleanor: Yes. Derek [Tahani visibly gets it] Bortles is indeed a very dumb name. [Chidi also gets it] It's a clue! There's no way Michael would've forgotten the name Blake Bortles, you say it a million times a day!
Jason: 'Cause he's the best!
Eleanor: No! He's not! And even I know that. Michael was telling us to use Derek, Janet's Derek, for something. There were clues in the roast. Everybody, quietly but quickly head to the train station. But... let's split up so we don't draw attention.
[Jason puts on an incredibly suspicious "sneaking" pose; Tahani trails immediately behind Eleanor, and after five seconds Chidi and Jason rejoin them]
Eleanor: Ugh, you guys are the worst conspirators.
- At the train station:Eleanor: Okay. What else did Michael say in the roasts that might be meaningful? Tahani, do you remember?
Tahani: He said my entire life was pointless and empty.
Eleanor: Yeah, but did he say anything we don't already know, anything that stood out?
Eleanor: Derek. We need you to drive this train and take us to Mindy St. Claire's house. Can you do that?
- Tahani concludes that the joke about running off during the last song might be a clue.Tahani: That was odd. A host never runs off during their last song, because after it's over you're supposed to act surprised when everyone drags you on stage and showers you with applause.
[Chidi looks baffled]
- They realize they need Derek because he has some of Janet's powers.Chidi: Janet!
Janet: [chimes and appears] Mmhi, hi. Hi.
Eleanor: We need you to go get Derek from your void.
Janet: Nkay. Shoot, where's my void again? I forget. Oh yeah! It's everywhere. Okay. Hang on to your butt cheeks. [chimes and disappears, but remains audible] Ugh, where is he? [clattering noises] Ow. Owie! Ugh, I'm never gonna find- Ooh! There he is! [chimes and reappears with Derek] note
- Derek's vocabulary still mostly consists of the word "Derek" after Janet reabsorbed him:
Derek: Hah. [thumbs up] Derek.
Eleanor: Wait. Nobody get on that train.
Chidi: Why not?
Michael: [in flashback] This is exactly the place you should be.
Derek: [in a tone of realization] Derek!
Derek: [loudly] All abooooard! [Eleanor shushes him; more quietly] The - train is heeeere! [increasingly loud] It's a train! [Eleanor and Chidi shush him; quietly again] Get on board!
Eleanor: Actually, Derek-
Eleanor: You're gonna wait until the last song of the night.
Eleanor: And when you do leave, you're gonna be flying a solo mission.
Derek: Ohhhh. [thumbs up; approvingly] Maximum Derek.
- Tahani concludes that the joke about running off during the last song might be a clue.
- Tahani's boasting reaches new heights of pointlessness:Tahani: I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar: "Let's go." [Eleanor shakes her head] What! That's what I said!
- "Any minute now those demons are gonna come looking for us! Where are we supposed to hide? Oh, no."
- Back in the present, Eleanor finishes her recounting of events.Chidi: We got all four clues you left us.
Michael: Oh, that's great. Well, I mean, I actually left you more than twelve hundred clues, because of how primitive your brains are, but I'm so glad you got enough to figure it out!
- Michael apologizes for the roast.Michael: I had to sell it, because everyone was watching. It was funny, though, right?
Tahani: [simultaneously] Absolutely not!
Eleanor: [simultaneously] The Tahani stuff was perfect. I mean, no.
- "Speaking of people getting what they want, I really hope Mindy liked the present we sent her."[Derek, a note on his chest and carrying two large bags, knocks on Mindy's door, continuing for several seconds after she opens it]
Mindy: Who are you?
Mindy: [reading note] "Thanks for helping us all those times we showed up. To repay you, here's a willing sex robot and two duffle bags full of cocaine."
Derek: There are wind chimes where my ding-dong should be. [shrugs; wind chime noises]
Mindy: [beat] I can work with that. [drags him inside]
- Michael explains that getting to the Good Place isn't as simple as getting on a train; he needs to design a complicated, unique transportation vehicle.Jason: Is it Optimus Prime?
Jason: I can't believe we get to ride a real life Optimus Prime! I call right nipple! That's shotgun on Optimus Prime.
Michael: Look, this vehicle, which is decidedly not Optimus Prime- [Jason groans]
- Eleanor points out that they have limited time before Shawn discovers their deception, and so urges Michael to hurry.Tahani: I agree. And, although I believe I've asked you this question already-
Michael: There is no business class.
- Michael summons a screen and moves some images around, then prompts Janet. She gestures dramatically:Janet: Aaaand prestoooo!
[nothing happens; the screen beeps and turns red]
Michael: Whoops. Forgot to log in first. Gotta answer my, uh, security question. [reading] "What was the name of your childhood pet". [typing] "Korzoff the Ten-Headed Dog-Spider".
- The promised vehicle descends: A golden hot-air balloon.Jason: Shotgun!
Chidi: It's a hot-air balloon. What does that even mean.
Jason: Top of the balloon! Ultimate. Shotgun.
- The humans sit together and eat one last frozen yogurt before they leave:Jason: So many memories of this place! Eating frozen yogurt, and then having diarrhea, [Tahani looks disgusted] and then eating more frozen yogurt, and then more diarrhea... Maybe I should've realized this wasn't the Good Place 'cause of all the diarrhea.
Chidi: Maybe you shouldn't be eating all that frozen yogurt right now. We're about to be on a balloon, man.
- Their respective ideas about their lives in the Good Place.Eleanor: I'm picturing Hawaiian beach, unlimited Mai Tais, and a phone. Ugh, I miss my phone so much. I bet I have so many texts.
Tahani: I just want us all to be together. Separate houses, obviously. Large lawns, I'd have a tasteful moat...
Jason: I don't care where I live, as long as they have more of this frozen yogurt.
Tahani: Why. Why.
- Janet explains that the balloon will only admit a person if they are the best version of themself.Eleanor: Cool! Cool! Cool, we got this. I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely the best version of myself. I know a shirtton about ethics now, 'cause I studied, and I read books, that weren't even written by the Real Housewives. Relax, everyone. We're all gonna be fine.
[Eleanor steps onto the scale, which chimes and turns green; everyone relaxes, relieved]
Eleanor: Oh man. I didn't believe anything I was saying.
- Tahani and Jason both successfully pass the scale too, to relaxing background music. Then Chidi steps onto it.[scale buzzes and turns red; the background music immediately cuts out]
Chidi: Gyah, nuts!
Jason: It's okay! The pattern is green, green, green, red. Remember that when it starts up again!
Chidi: I'm-I'm sorry, everyone, I just have some worries, as well as some concerns that could potentially turn into outright fears... oh, there they go. Uh. They're, they're fears now.
Eleanor: [exiting balloon] Okay, I know this mood. Come with us, Doctor Freak-Out. [to scale, defensively] That was a joke, we're actually very good friends.
- In the grassy area, Chidi's freak-out continues apace.Chidi: Okay, here's the thing. That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves. But for the four of us, that's not just a metaphor. Um. There have been literally eight hundred and two different versions of us. And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself? How do I know it's not Version #85, or 322, or 558?
Jason: Or 69, or 420. [Eleanor high-fives him]
Chidi: You, and, and then you get into the whole idea of, of consciousness, and, and I mean, just forget about best, um, what version of Chidi is even real?
Tahani: [aside, to Eleanor] What happens here? Does he eventually tire himself out?
Eleanor: Usually, but this one seems to be getting stronger as he goes on.
Chidi: ...those other Chidis, and, and, and this Chidi, is an imposter!
- When they return to the balloon, Chidi, Tahani, and Jason all successfully make it on board, but Eleanor, going last, is rejected; it gives only negative results thereafter. Given Michael's later revelation that it's a fake, that implies Jason was right about the set pattern.
- Eleanor takes off a gold necklace and hands it to Tahani, noting that she stole it from her house on the first night.
- Eleanor decides that the Eleanor Mindy recorded was a better version of herself, since she was honest and allowed herself to be vulnerable.Eleanor: And that is not an easy thing for me to say. "You're not better than me" was my yearbook quote.
- Eleanor asks Michael to tell them about that version.Michael: Uh. Reboot #119. All the restaurants were kebab places, you had a pet lizard which I made poop on you all the time...
- Michael explains their relationship in reboot #119, reaching the point of their first kiss.Michael: Which, gross. Kissing is gross. You just mash your food holes together, it's not for that.
- Tahani proposes that the people the balloon accepts go ahead to the Good Place and send it back for the others thereafter.Tahani: You know, sort of like an advance team, we'll put our names in, or book a table, however it works. And then we'll send back the magical balloon for the red-light people later on, it's a perfect plan. [steps onto the scale, which gives a negative response] No! It's not working! It probably thinks I'm Eleanor! [to scale, emphatically] It is I, Tahani.
Janet: In case you were wondering, I am by definition the best version of myself. Because my operating system is always updating.
Eleanor: I'm not sure that's true, Janet. You still haven't talked to Jason about your romantic baggage, and the three of you are in some sort of weird love triangle.
Janet: [strained] You don't know what you're talking about. Also, love isn't a triangle. It's a five-dimensional blob, so.
Eleanor: Okay. If you're so perfect, step on the scale.
Janet: Fine. [steps onto the scale; it audibly breaks, sparks, and displays chaotic patterns of red and green] Ooh, I think I broke it.
- Michael's first experience with guilt.Michael: I'm having this feeling where- what is it c- you know, where you, y-uh, you did a thing and you're sad after it? After-sad? Is that- no- gah- You humans have so many emotions! You only need two! Anger and confusion!
- Michael reveals the true reason they can't all get onto the balloon:Michael: [distraught] The truth is, I have no idea how to get into the Good Place and I never have! [shrugs, suddenly calm again]
Eleanor: Well, Michael's right. I'm angry and confused.
- Michael notes that while he was searching for a way to get into the Good Place, he was also learning why it was wrong of him to lie.Michael: So not only did I fail at getting us into the Good Place, I also learned the error of my ways. Real rock-bottom for a demon, I'll tell you.
- Michael believes Eleanor is mad at him.Eleanor: I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.
Michael: Oh, come on! Everyone knows that's worse!
- Tahani notes that they're now completely out of options.Eleanor: Not... completely out of options. [dramatic music starts] We can do what the Shellstrops have always done when the chips are down: Ignore our problems and drink heavily. Janet! A million bottles of your finest booze, please!
- Tahani sits down next to Jason at the party:Tahani: You alright?
Jason: Kinda. I asked Michael if I could pop the giant balloon, and he said no. Then I asked if I could suck the helium out of it to make my voice sound funny so it cheers everyone up, and he just kinda sighed and walked away. So I guess that one is still on the table.
- Tahani notes that, her whole life, when she encountered an obstacle, she would say "I would like to speak to your manager". Jason looks behind himself to see who she's talking to.Jason:: My mom was a manager at a pet store. Does that help?
Tahani:: No. And please don't launch into one of your long stories-
Jason: [simultaneously] She got fired after I robbed the pet store where she worked. We actually robbed it together.
Tahani: [simultaneously] No. Jason, please. Please, please, please Jason, no no no, no, no, please, stop.
Jason: Long story short: It was all a dream.
- A somewhat-drunk Eleanor's evaluation:Eleanor: Dude, here's where I'm at: Feelings are stupid.
Chidi: Yeah, who needs 'em?
- Eleanor acknowledges that Chidi doesn't return her feelings.Eleanor: And although that fills me with... anger and... confusion... Wow, Michael was right on the money.
- Chidi's explanation of his anxiety:Chidi: Here's the thing about me. You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? [Eleanor nods] That's the sound that my brain makes, all the time. It's just this constant grinding about things that I'm afraid of, or things that I want, or, or want to want, or, or, or want to want to want-
Eleanor: Mhm. Is it grinding in there right now, bud?
Chidi: Yep. But the point is, the circumstances under which we met... are completely insane. And that just makes the, the grinding harder. I just wish we met the way normal people meet, like at a philosophy conference, [Eleanor laughs] or after one of my philosophy lectures, or, or you came knocking on my office door asking for help with philosophy.
Eleanor: [laughing] Is that how you think people meet?
Chidi: ...I don't know how normal people meet.
- Eleanor toasts to the current version of themselves.Eleanor: To the good people we've all become.
Tahani: Oh, and to Eleanor! Our unofficial leader. You pack a lot of heart and grit into that diminutive frame. Like a scrappy little auto mechanic.
Eleanor: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, babe, and I'll take it.
Jason: And to Janet! The best robot.
Janet: Not a robot.
Janet: Not a girl.
Jason: And straight-up hottie.
Janet: I am attractive, yes.
Jason: Any of us could've ever asked for.
Janet: Thanks, guys! Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches.
Eleanor: Oh! She's done. She's not gonna give a speech. Okay, cool.
Chidi: Ooh! One more toast. To Michael! [the others cheer] Who is easily the best version of himself. Granted, the bar was low, he is a demon, but he made a mistake and admitted he was wrong, which makes him better than ninety percent of all humans.
Eleanor: And you know what, it wasn't really Michael's fault. We weren't getting into the Good Place anyway. I mean, look at us. [gestures at Tahani] A self-obsessed socialite, a ridiculous giraffe, an absurd British aristocrat, a narcicisstic attention-seeker-
Tahani: Are these all me?
Eleanor: Yes. I was gonna do eight for you and one for everyone else.
- The humans name Michael an honorary human, and present him with a "Human Starter Kit".Michael: [fondly throughout] Car keys! So I can lose them and say "Has anyone seen my car keys?" Then I can do that, [patting pockets] you know, that thing where you- [laughs] Thank you! And... band-aids for your stupid fragile bodies! Oh, and look at this! A stress ball with a dumb corporate logo! Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this and then almost throw it away and then think "No, I, I, I'll use it." [all laugh] Oh, guys. A Doctor Oz diet book, 'cause you're all such suckers! This is all garbage that I have no real use for!
Eleanor: That's right. Welcome to being human, buddy.
- Quite drunk and arrayed around a picnic blanket, the gang laugh about something unheard.Michael: You don't remember?
Michael: No, of course you don't! [laughs]
Janet: [slurring] That's mean!
Michael: That was version one!
- A message comes in for Michael from Shawn.Shawn: finish shutting everything down
Shawn: sending train first thing tomorrow
Shawn: humans will be captured and tortured soup
Shawn: sorry autocorrect
Shawn: although weirdly i did just finish turning someone into soup
Shawn: so random 😂
Shawn: ok bye
- Their respective ideas about their tortures in the Bad Place.Jason: I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert, and I'll be waiting for the bass drop, and it... [tearful] it'll never come.
Eleanor: For me it'll be camping. Like, I'll just always be camping.
Chidi: I'm pretty good at turning every place I go in-into my personal hell, so... I think they'll have a lot of options for me.
Tahani: Mine'll obviously be an eternity spent in the Swiss Alps.
Eleanor: That sounds amazing.
Tahani: In autumn. The off season.
Eleanor: Yeah, still fine. You'd be fine. Who are we kidding? You'll probably be running the place in like a week. She, she'll be like, [absurdly exaggerated posh British accent] ooh, hibbledy-dibbledy, this simply won't do, I demand to speak to your manager.
[all laugh; Tahani stops with an expression of dawning realization]
Tahani: Of course! That's it! We should speak to the manager!
[Eleanor points at her; all except Tahani laugh]
Tahani: Wait, you said that there was a, a judge who decides on disputes between the Good Place and the Bad Place, right? Some sort of head honcho I could pace in front of and plead our case to and, and maybe even wag a finger at disapprovingly.
- Michael explains just how thoroughly Tahani's idea is doomed to failure, whereupon Eleanor visibly resolves, takes a swig of wine, and stands.Eleanor: Okay. Let's do it.
Michael: You're serious?
Eleanor: Yeah! What do we have to lose?
Michael: [also stands] All I've really ever wanted was to know what it feels like to be human. And now we're going to do the most human thing of all: Attempt something futile, with a ton of unearned confidence, and fail spectacularly!
- Bad Janet gives a lengthy, crude parody of a pre-boarding speech while Michael unbends a paperclip to turn her into a marble.
- Eleanor points out that the neighborhood was Michael's life's work, and asks if he's okay leaving it behind.Michael: As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.
Eleanor: That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.
Michael: ...The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.
Eleanor: No. Still nonsense. One more try?
Michael: In a way, the Good Place was... inside the Bad Place... all along?
Eleanor: You know what, that's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.
Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent
- On the train to the Bad Place, Eleanor asks if Chidi is alright, saying he looks like he lost his lucky bookmark. One would take this as sarcasm, except Chidi immediately checks himself, clearly worried, to confirm he still has it.
- Later, Eleanor has him rub his lucky bookmark to calm down.
- Michael talks about their destination.Michael: See, the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from both the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. Oh, there's also an IHOP.
Jason: Dope! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity!
Michael: No, sorry, uh, in this realm IHOP stands for Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes. You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Jason: Okay, I'll get eggs then.
- Michael takes out the pin Shawn gave him upon his promotion.Tahani: What is that? Is that jewelry? Not that it matters, 'cause, it's just some jewelry I don't have. [laughs] Can I have it?
- Janet doesn't need a pin because, for portals, she counts as a carry-on.Janet: [double thumbs up] I'm luggage.
- Michael gives them each a Bad Place disguise.Jason: Mm, I don't know. This plan seems complicated.
Eleanor: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
Jason: They don't make sense! Apples, you eat their clothes, but oranges you don't? Forget this plan! I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail and [whooshing noise] run through the portal.
Chidi: I think we should go with Michael's plan.
Jason: I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work! Any time I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom. Right away. I had a different problem.
Eleanor: He makes a strong case.
- Michael tells them they will need aliases for their disguises.Eleanor: Cool. I'm gonna be Diana Tremaine. That was the name on my fake ID in high school. [laughs] Her address was 123 Whatever Street, Canada City, Canada. Arizona bouncers are the best.
Tahani: Character work? Such fun! I actually dabbled in a bit of acting after university. Although mostly I just stood around while Baz Luhrmann threw glitter on me. Ooh! I shall be [American accent] Rhonda Mumps. And I work down at the hot-dog factory.
Michael: You need to be more specific. There are nine hot-dog torture departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...
Tahani: Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?
Michael: Yes. ...Throats.
Jason: I know what my secret identity is.
Eleanor: You cannot be Blake Bortles.
Jason: Fine. Then I'll be Jake.
Chidi: Don't say Jortles.
Jason: Jortles! And I work in the Molotov cocktail department.
Tahani: Geez Louise! Looks like Chidi has a real case of the Mondays, am I right? [laughs] Hey, uh, pass the NASCAR ketchup.
- Tahani's American persona is perhaps slightly over the top.
Tahani: Come on, Diana, let's hit the bar! I'm gonna get me a tall glass of pipin' hot corn syrup and a scooter so I can roll around the mall.
Eleanor: [whispering] That's really good.
- Eleanor tells Chidi that she gets if he doesn't want to lie, and that nobody will be mad at him.Chidi: Really?
Eleanor: No! Dumbass! I'm lying to you to make you feel better! See? Sometimes lying is awesome! [gasps] Plus, I said "dumbass"! Oh, cursing, how I've missed you.
Chidi: I won't lie about who I am.
Eleanor: Okay. I understand and I'm cool with it.
Chidi: You're lying right now, aren't you.
Eleanor: Yes. I wanna strangle you.
- Jason inspects a pocket square, confused.Jason: What even is this thing? I hate suits. They remind me of court. And going to court, and being my own lawyer against the advice of the judge in court, and getting immediately convicted in court...
Janet: I think you look nice.
Jason: I think you look sexy.
Janet: [chimes and produces a briefcase] Here. I got you this to help your disguise.
Jason: Whoa! A briefcase? [holds it up] Take my credit card to the hedge fund. I'll meet you at the martini store.
Janet: Oh, you're gonna get caught. Give me the briefcase back, thanks.
- Michael tells Janet that she'll need to act like a Bad Janet.Janet: I have gained a lot of new skills recently. For example, I learned how to be passive-aggressive. Totally fine that you guys haven't noticed.
Michael: [impressed] Oh!
Tahani: W- uh- let's practice.
Tahani: I'm going to make a simple request, and you're going to give me that patented Bad Janet attitude. Can I have a glass of water?
Janet: [chimes and produces a glass of water; cheerfully] Here you go.
Tahani: [hands the glass to Michael] No. Let's try again. Be mean. Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water.
Janet: [strained] No. I would never give you that, you... dumb person.
Tahani: Janet, what's that behind your back.
Tahani: Give it to me.
Janet: [apologetic] It's a glass of water. [Michael sighs] And a backup glass.
- Her Bad Janet impression never gets much better.Janet: You got it, you piece of... butt.
Janet: Hi there! ...You... big, stinky, poop-face guys. Ugh, it's me, Good Janet. I'm sorry I called you big stinky poop-face guys.
Eleanor: That's okay. Janet, can you dig around a little bit and find out what this event is and how long it's gonna last?
Janet: [double thumbs up] I'd love to. [as a demon walks by] Punch... your... teeth. [to another demon] Hey. Hi. Teeth. Ugh.
Janet: Hey, butt... ass. Buttass. How long is this stupid event supposed to last, anyway.
Petruchio: They're unveiling the exhibit in ten minutes. Then everyone'll get drunk and poke each other with hot sticks, and then it'll be over.
Janet: [double thumbs up] Farts.
Janet: Hey, you two. Get your... ugly necks over here.
- Her Bad Janet impression never gets much better.
- A poster can be seen in the train station for "Pirates of the Caribbean 6: The Haunted Crow's Nest or Something, Who Gives a Crap, Now Playing Everywhere Forever".
- On the PA system, Bad Janet announces that "All trains today are delayed by three hours, just like they are every day. All passengers: You all suck, and you're ugly. Again, you all suck, and you are ugly."
- Michael brings everyone to a room and instructs them to wait there while he fetches their pins.Tahani: What is this place?
Michael: It's just a place. You know, an area, or location. It's pretty straightforward.
Chidi: [reading sign] "The Museum of Human Misery"?
Michael: Oh. Yeah. Okay, it's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior and explanations of the torture they earned.
Jason: Is there a gift shop?
Michael: Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop. [sighs] It's the least horrifying room, it's the Hall of Low-Grade Crappiness.
Eleanor: [reading sign] "First person to floss in an open-plan office"? [presses button; the display acts out the scenario] Well. She deserves to be tortured, she's a monster.
Tahani: [reading] "First man to send an unsolicited picture of his genitals". [presses button; a man photographs his genitals with an old-timey box camera, complete with flash powder]
- The other exhibits:
Chidi: [reading] "First waiter to approach a diner with an empty plate and sarcastically say 'I guess you hated it'."
Jason: [reading] "First white person to grow dreadlocks, and first person to call ultimate frisbee 'ultimate'"? This dude rules!
- Also seen are "First man to say 'Well, actually...' to a woman" and "First person to say 'I need a vacation... from my vacation!'"
- "Son of a bitch! Still happy I can swear now, but everything else about this is very bad!"
- The first thing Shawn tells Michael to do is "Axe up", tossing him a can of body spray.Michael: Oh! New scent? "Transformers".
Shawn: Yes. It makes you smell the way Transformers movies make you feel.
- "How do you smell loud and confusing?"
- Ironically, the people who actually made the Transformers movies seem to have gotten into the Good Place.
- Shawn throws Michael's paperwork in the garbage.Michael: Is that where we're putting top-priority files nowadays?
- The hors d'oeurves in the Bad Place include "soul food from Maine, bagels from Arkansas, Hawaiian pizza of course, and egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan."
- Punching one another in the testicles seems to be considered a friendly gesture in the Bad Place.
- Mistaking Chidi for another demon, Chet asks him for his advice on a tricky human.Dirk: So, I'm trying to torture this guy, right, Brant. Brant was a total lord. He got kicked out from Rob Gronkowski's party cruise for throwing a lobster at a stripper, and then he died doing a keg stand in the back of a moving Jeep Wrangler.
Chet: Anyways, we run a couple hundred torture scenarios, nothing seemed quite right, you know? Think we can get you to crack this nut?
Chidi: Well, I mean, how, how can I say no? [demons laugh] Yeah, I know how I would say no, you know, I'd be all like "NO!", but, you know, I can't.
- At the bar, Tahani is in conversation with another demon.Tahani: Don't get me wrong, I love shoving hot dogs into people, but once you've dogged every hole, you just start to feel like you're repeating yourself.
Megan: I hear that, sister. I'm gonna go take a dump, you want me to grab you one?
Tahani: Nah, I'm good, thanks.
Megan: Not even a little nug?
Tahani: Nah, I'm a'ight.
Megan: A'ight. [leaves]
Eleanor: Damn, you're good at this.
Tahani: Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough and you become pretty good at lying. Like, "No! Your whole 'thing' isn't exhausting at all!"
- Shawn proclaiming himself "a naughty bitch".Michael: Nobody from the Bad Place is allowed in Mindy's neighborhood. You can't do that, Shawn, it's, it's, it's illegal.
Shawn: Oh, no. Guys, Michael says this is illegal. I... hadn't thought of that. [all laugh] That was sarcasm. I had thought of that.
- "I took the form of a forty-five-year-old white man for a reason. I can only fail up."
- "You know, I once shoved a hot-dog right down the throat of the legendary John Wayne."Eleanor: She even name-drops in Hell.
- "I'm gonna be sick. And I don't wanna go back to the bathroom because they put mirrors in the toilet and that makes you really confront what you're doing."
- "You read on your own!?" "Ugh, you think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?"
- Eleanor's summation of moral particularism.Eleanor: Look, moral particularism says there are no fixed rules that work in every situation. Like, let's say you, you promised your friend you'd go to the movies. But then, your mom suddenly gets rushed to the ER. Your boy Kant would say "Never break a promise. Go see Chronicles of Riddick. Doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely and steals a bucket of Vicodin from the nurses' closet."
Chidi: Real example?
- The team in the Medium Place report back via Bad Janet.Val: [laughs] This is so exciting! I hope everyone gets hurt.
Demon: Living room is clear. Entering the bedroom.
Mindy: Oh, yeah! [wind chimes sound; Derek says "Ow"] Oh! Oh god, this feels so weird!
Derek: Here we go.
Mindy: Oh, do some coke off my butt! Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you guys?
Derek: Ooh, friends! Hi! I'm Derek!
Shawn: Where are the humans? And who is Derek?
Derek: Me is Derek! These are my wind chimes. [wind chimes sound] Oh, oh, oh, my wind chimes like you.
Demon: The only people here are Mindy St. Claire and an unknown male with a genital deformity.
- The faces of Shawn and the other demons throughout the whole exchange are priceless.
- "You, search from the spastic dentistry department down through disembowelment. You, cover children's dance recitals through holiday weekend IKEA."
- Chidi's performance as Trent.Dirk: What you got for me, Trent?
Chidi: Well, peep this, dog. You really wanna torture this dirtbag? You give him books. [demons look dubious] I'm serious. This one time I was assigned this, uh, chick, that I had to torture, and I just couldn't figure it out, and then I realized, she hated books. So I just gave her mad books to read, round the clock.
Chet: The books, like, exploded?
Chidi: No no no, no, uh, they were just, you know, regular moral philosophy books. You know, everyone hates moral philosophers.
Chet: That is true.
Chidi: Uh, a-and I know it's wild, but, you know, sometimes you think outside the bun.
Dirk: Ah, sick Taco Bell ref.
Chet: Very nice.
Dirk: But I don't know, man. Sounds kinda lame. [to Chet] This guy's the best? Really?
Chidi: ...Yeah. You know, maybe I don't know what I'm talking a-[punches Dirk in the testicles]-BALL TAP! [demons laugh] OOOOHHH! That's what you get for questioning Trrrrent! The torture master!
- The newest exhibit is unveiled: Replicas of the four humans.Chidi: Oh no.
Tahani: Is that what they think my hair looks like?
- The replicas turn out to talk, if somewhat stiltedly.Tahani replica: I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion. Which I've been to, by the way.
Tahani: I have, actually. It's remarkable.
Tahani replica: It's remarkable.
[Jason looks delightedly between Tahani and her replica]
Chidi replica: I'm Chidi Anagonye. Or, maybe I'm not. I can't decide anything. Or maybe I can. Aaaah. I can't decide. My stomach hurts.
[audience, including Eleanor, laughs]
Eleanor: [to Chidi] What? They kinda nailed it. I've heard you say all that stuff.
Eleanor replica: I'm Eleanor Shellstrop. I mock others to distract myself from the emptiness inside me.
Eleanor: That's fair. That's a fair hit.
Jason replica: I'm Jason Mendoza. [Beat] Duhhhhhhhh.
Jason: [delighted] That's me!
- The replicas turn out to talk, if somewhat stiltedly.
- The group are cornered by the crowd of demons, including Shawn and his security.Tahani: What do we do?
Jason: This. [removes his pocket square, stuffs it into a nearby bottle of alcohol, and uses it to light a Molotov cocktail] Jortles! [hurls it to the ground]
- "Hey, Eleanor, thanks for the advice, it was really helpful, even though I had to say a lot of words I don't like, like 'douche' and 'chick' and 'peep this'-" "Okay, great, no problem, I'm just kinda focused on running right now."
- Jason's exclamation as he jumps into the gate: "Portles!"
- When Shawn catches up to him, Michael offers only a cheery "Hey, boss. What's up?"
- The episode opens with the four humans emerging from the portal at high speed, sending them sprawling on the floor with rather mixed feelings about their trip.Jason: That... was... awesome! I'm going again!
Eleanor: [grabs Jason before he can jump back into the portal] No.
Chidi: I think I barfed, in the nether dimension, before we landed. Is my barf just gonna float out there forever? Is someone gonna fly through my barf when they use the portal?
- Eleanor tells the others that Michael isn't following them and that Shawn grabbing him was the last thing she saw. Jason asks if it was a nice grab or a bad grab, and then if it was a "nice" bad grab or "mean" bad grab.
- Eleanor notes that they should be able to see the Judge, but the only thing present is a burrito. The group starts to over-analyse the situation, wondering if the burrito is part of the test or if the buritto itself is the judge. Eleanor doesn't even bother dismissing the last one, snarking that they've certainly seen weirder things than an "all-knowing burrito". As they ponder over this, the actual judge Gen casually appears and is confused as to what they're doing.Eleanor: [to the burrito] Hello, your excellency, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop. We doth seek thine judgement. We've travelled a long distance to see you, oh great one.
[Tahani and Jason are both bowing to the burrito, while Gen peers over the group's shoulders to see what they're doing]
Gen: What are you guys looking at?
[the entire group jumps apart with an assortment of startled noises]
Gen: Hi! I'm the Judge. That's a burrito. What's up, guys?!
- Gen explains that she didn't think that she had a case, since the paperwork hadn't come through.Gen: Unless you guys just, like, came here. [the humans look at each other awkwardly] Wait, did you guys just come here? [gasps; pleased] Oh my god, you guys are bad. Which one is the worst one of you? Is it you, Glasses? Oh, I bet it's you.
Eleanor: Okay, yeah, w-we did just sort of "show up", but we had to, we were escaping the Bad Place. Which, now that I think about it, there might be some demons following us.
- Gen tells them to relax and get comfortable, and with a wave of a hand puts them all in more characteristic outfits.Tahani: [gasps] A classic St. Crispin's Day garden party frock! Wait, is it after four PM? Not important.
- Rather than the holographic-style interface, the Judge gets files by an old-fashioned pneumatic tube system. As Chidi's confused as to how she's not omniscient, Gen explains she avoids knowing too much about humankind to remain impartial. She then admits she cheats a little and has been binging Ken Burns' Vietnam recently ("I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long, you know what I'm saying?").
- Gen casually dismisses their appeal, re-opening the portals for them to leave. As the group try to argue that they should still be considered, Gen keeps getting distracted by Tahani's accent and gets offtrack by asking her to stay stuff like "aluminium", prompting an annoyed Eleanor to remind her what they're here for.
- Bad Janet delivers many hilarious liners as she and Shawn confront Michael, like making fun of him supposedly junking his jeans and telling him to shove up the marbleized Good Janet (whom she found in like two seconds since she had the audacity to be polite to people in the halls of the Bad Place) up his wiener for safekeeping. These liners become funnier with the revelation that she's actually Good Janet in disguise.
- Michael throws the "Ya basic" insult at Bad Janet and Shawn, but they're too confused to react negatively.Michael: It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.
- Gen explains that she will give each of them a test to see how much progress they've made, and Eleanor asks if they can be tested as a group. Jason agrees with her only so they can cheat off of Chidi, and then assumes that's how he got his name. When Gen rejects, Eleanor requests that they at least be able to either pass or fail as a group or fail, which Gen accepts but scoffs at.Gen: So, if you all pass, you're in, and if even one of you fails, you're all effed. Right? [all nod] Terrible idea. I mean, truly awful. You are very lucky that I cannot send you to the Bad Idea Place, because that one is a stanker.
- Gen leads Jason in for his test which is that he can play the Madden Football game but only against the Jaguars.
- She tries to at least drop hints that he doesn't actually have to play, but Jason ignores her and jumps to conclusions, much to her annoyance.Gen: If you play the game and you lose-
Jason: Oh - I'm gonna win. Say no more, scary judge lady. Tell my friends their souls are in good hands. [starts game] No, I fumbled the kickoff! Titans suck!
[Gen looks exasperated]
- When Gen looks in on him later, he's losing by three and, of all things, meditating to calm down. He then belatedly realizes what his test is.Jason: I'd be winning by like a million if I could play as the Jags instead of playing against the Jags. I hate scoring against my own favorite team. [sudden realization] But you already knew that! Because this is the test!
Gen: Yeah, that's not a revalation or something, I explained that very clearly.
- She tries to at least drop hints that he doesn't actually have to play, but Jason ignores her and jumps to conclusions, much to her annoyance.
- Tahani's test is to walk down the hallway and through the door at the end, which sounds simple enough to her... until Gen mentions that everyone in every room she'll pass is talking about her, which of course for Tahani is just painful.
- The names of the people talking about her are shown on the nameplate of each room. These rooms include the likes of "Blue Ivy Carter and North West", "Prince Harry, Prince William, and Prince", and "Quevenzhané Wallis and Steven Hawking" (and the last one prompts Tahani to wonder if the two of them were able to make up to be talking about her in the same room).
- The door that finally breaks Tahani's resolve is her parents. Hilarious Abusive Parents insults ensue, including jabs at her being "well-fed" and worrying she'll hulk out in her dress that she apparently barely fits. As Tahani realizes her parents were never going to approve of her regardless of what she did, she starts taunting about the things she's done that would upset them — dressing up as someone in the service industry, shagged a Floridian, and eating a Cheeto. The parents are the most shocked at that last one.
- Shawn takes stock of the situation:Shawn: So just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over eight hundred times, and all of these reports of their torture are completely fake?
Michael: Yes, but frankly, this is on you. A lot of those details I just took directly from Steven King novels and episodes of Pretty Little Liars.
- Michael explains his conclusion that there was a mistake made and the humans actually belong in the Good Place. When he complains it isn't fair to not reconsider their fate, Shawn snarks that "fair" is the stupidest word humans ever invented... except for "staycation". Bad Janet agrees strongly.
- Gen sends Eleanor and Chidi in for their respective tests simultaneously, which is the climax of the episode but still containing funny lines and moments.
- Eleanor and Chidi go through the doors and emerge from doors on the opposite side of the same room. Gen has a chuckle as to how trippy it is.
- Excited that the duo have supposedly made it to the good place, Eleanor raves about all those ethics lessons paying off and ponders how anyone could say philosophy was stupid. Chidi points out she did so many times, as recently as this morning.
- Gen solemnly explains that Tahani and Jason did not make it, and then comments she's hungry and starts eating the burrito which she forgot about. Later as Eleanor tries to figure out what the test is:
- Eleanor comes to the obvious conclusion:Eleanor: Sorry, I s- I, I feel weird saying this to an almighty judge but y-you have hot sauce on your chin.
Gen: Thank you. [wipes it off] It's actually not hot sauce. It's envy. Or the concept of envy. It's really good on Mexican food, it gives it a little, uh, kick.
- Eleanor tries to ask Chidi for advice but all he can do is grimace. Eleanor complains that's his "moral quandry grimace", which is apparently different from his gas pain grimace and "Someone said 'from whence it came' instead of 'whence it came'" grimace (which she all demonstrates). Chidi concludes it's something way worse than a test— a choice!
- Later, Eleanor paces through the loop of doors to help herself think, to Chidi's annoyance. Desperate, she asks him to hit her with his "most obscure, boringest, old white dude with a long wizard beard mumbo-jumbo".
- Eleanor realizes "Chidi" is fake due to some Out of Character lines and announces it Gen, hence passing her test. Gen gets her settled while waiting for the others and explains the real Chidi's whereabouts.Gen: Well done, Eleanor. You can take a seat and wait for the others. [chimes and creates four seats] And can I have that medallion back, 'cause it's actually a coaster for my sodas.
Eleanor: Mhm. [hands it back] Where's the real Chidi, though? Is he okay?
Gen: He's still taking his test.
[cut to Chidi in a blank white room with the sound of a clock ticking]
Chidi: Okay, this is ridiculous. Um... [camera pans out to reveal two hats, identical except for one being grey and one being brown] I'm just gonna choose... Brown.
[a clock is seen, reading "Elapsed time: 01:22:00"]
Chidi: Grey is the obvious choice, which is probably why I shouldn't choose it. Brown. Nope. Grey. No. Brown. Brown hat. [takes the hat; a door opens behind him]
- Shawn explains that Michael is not going to be retired, since it would be too public, and thinks up of a different punishment: staying in an unmarked room for eternity with only having a giant stack of New Yorker magazines (which will just keep increasing even though Michael will never read them, making it worse) and being left with one of Bad Janet's classic farts.
- Bad Janet reveals herself to be Good Janet, by hurling Shawn at a wall and explaining she tried really hard to learn how to be bad for the sake of their friends. As she states she's ready to be nice again:Shawn: Ugh. What happened?
[Janet kicks Shawn into the damaged wall]
Janet: Okay, now I'll be nice again.
- Everyone assembles before the Judge's desk as she announces that they didn't pass and explains why.
- She criticises Chidi's inability to choose a hat for 82 minutes. He defends himself since he did choose one in the end, but Gen retorts, "There is no right one! They're hats!"
- After finding out she failed, Tahani requests that she be allowed to go back and talk to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury, which Gen declines.
- On top of letting his impulse take over and jumping to conclusions, Jason apparently told Gen aka an all-knowing judge to just shut up and go away.
- Eleanor lies about failing her test just as Gen's about to say she actually passed. Eleanor's made-up reason for failing? Shoving an old lady down the stairs to get to the raw bar for the shrimp she's known to love.
- Gen makes a video of their time together, apparently consisting of various still shots from the episode in an oval cutout and set to "Wind Beneath My Wings". The others do not appreciate it one bit.Gen: [laughs at a particular shot] I'm gonna frame that one. [chimes; said framed image appears on the wall in the background]
- Eleanor speaks fondly to Chidi and Jason even as they have their typical annoying moments (having a stomach-ache vs not realizing they can't retake the test), thinking they're about to go to the Bad Place. She says she'll think of Chidi "every time they pull [her] eyeballs out through [her] mouth" and remarks on Jason always understanding about twenty percent of what's happening (which Jason thinks is a compliment).
- Gen cheerfully prepares to send the gang away to the Bad Place after the video she made finishes. Then Michael and Janet make their grand reappearance as they emerge from the portal with Michael's screaming heard from a mile away.Michael: Oh! Hey, guys! How you been?
- "So Michael, you're saying there's a new angle I should consider in this case? Love that. Major drama. [chuckles] Spill the tea, sweetheart."
- Michael explains that, despite the system's assumption that it can't happen, the humans became better people after they died.Michael: Over and over again, I watched as they became thoughtful and generous and, and caring. And, and think about where they started. Uh... [turns to Jason] Jason. Growing up in Jacksonville, what did you do for fun after school every day?
Jason: Me and my friends whipped empty spray paint cans at flamingos.
Michael: [to Gen] And now he's so much better.
Jason: I was already pretty good. When I was six, I hit one right on the butt.
Tahani: Okay. Let the immortal beings talk, darling.
- Gen claims that their improvement in the simulation doesn't prove anything about their character.Michael: No, see, I think it does prove something. If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans, the, the very method we use to deem them Good or Bad, is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable that hundreds of millions of people have been wrongly condemned to a, an eternity of torture!
Gen: [Beat; slaps desk] Damn! That was intense! Look at my arm, y'all! Look, I got goosebumps! Doesn't happen very often.
- Tahani and Eleanor sit on a couch together, discussing the former's test.Eleanor: Wow, so you saw your parents in the test?
Tahani: Yes. And I immediately fell right back into my old pattern, desperately trying to impress them and earn their admiration. Then I heard this little voice in my head saying "Tahani. Don't do this."
Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?
Tahani: Oh, yes, sorry: Maggie Smith is my godmother. [Eleanor rolls her eyes] Anyway, I took a deep breath, told them I ate a Cheeto, and walked away.
Eleanor: Man. You have made so much progress. I'm proud of you, hot stuff.
Tahani: Whatever progress I have made, it's because you and I have become mates. [Beat] That's British for friends.
Eleanor: No, I know.
- On the other side of the room:Jason: Man, think about everything that's happened to us. We died. Michael tortured us. We teamed up with him. We escaped. We went through the portal. The Judge ruled against us. Then Michael showed up. This has been one of the craziest years of my life.
Chidi: One of?
Jason: Yeah! I'm not sure what I would do if one more insane thing happened.
Janet: [chimes and appears] Hi Jason. I love you.
Jason: [shocked] Oh, word?
Janet: Word. I've been avoiding telling you. My excuse was that I needed time to evaluate my complex feelings, but that was just a rationalization. [Chidi looks over at Eleanor, visibly coming to a realization] This may be the last time I ever get to talk to you, so there it is. I love you, and I hereby stop avoiding this topic and rationalizing it by saying the situation is complicated.
Chidi: Or that my brain is grinding like a fork in a garbage disposal.
Janet: [confused] Alright. Whatever. Uh. [gesturing to herself and Jason] You're not really a part of this, Chidi.
Jason: [taking Janet's hands] Hey, guess what. I think I love you too, girl.
Janet: I'm not a girl. I'm also not just a Janet any more. I don't know what I am!
- Prompted by Janet's declaration, Chidi kisses Eleanor.[Beat]
Eleanor: Hot diggity dog! ...Oh, no! Now the thing I said right after we kissed will always be hot diggity dog. [Chidi laughs] Whatever. It was an honest reaction, I stand by it.
- Gen and Michael return from their deliberations.Gen: Hi guys! Couple quick announcements. Would anyone eat chips and guac if I put it out? It's good, it's home-made. No takers? A'ight.
- Michael proposes that each of the humans be put into their own individual Medium Place while he continues to look for a way to get them into the Good Place.Chidi: How much time will we be alone?
Michael: Hard to say. Uh... could be... a month.
Gen: Could be... million years?
Michael: So, between a month and a million years. Some-
Gen: Yeah. Give or take.
Michael: Somewhere in there.
- Eleanor's response:Eleanor: I'll say it: Both those options suck. Okay, I'm sorry if that's blunt, your honor, but it's true. Also Chidi just laid one on me, so I'm kinda dizzy.
Michael: You two kissed? Hot diggity dog!
Eleanor: That's what I said!
- Michael has an idea, prompting a brief argument with Gen while the humans watch, mystified.Jason: Shotgun. Whatever they're talking about, if there's a shotgun, I call shotgun.
Michael: If it doesn't then they go right back to the Bad Place. No-one gets hurt. Except them, forever. And, me, I assume, also forever.
Gen: [makes a considering noise that goes through two intermediate stages to become a groan] Okay, let's do it.
Michael: Yes! [beckons Janet over to their side of the room]
Gen: I don't know why, I'm just feeling kind of funky. But there have to be strict rules, otherwise the results will be tainted. And I reserve the right to change my mind at any point.
Eleanor: About what! Would someone who's not an eternal being please explain to me what the f-
[Gen clicks her fingers and the screen goes white]
- Back on Earth and fresh from a near-death experience, Eleanor returns to her apartment where her roomates are watching TV.Madison: God, Eleanor, take longer next time.
Brittany: Oh, you look like crap.
Eleanor: [shaken] I was outside the supermarket arguing with that little environmental twerp-
Madison: Ugh, I hate that guy.
Brittany: Really? Skinny little hippie body kinda turns me on.
Eleanor: Guys, listen! I dropped the margarita mix, and when I went to pick it up, a bunch of shopping carts came right at me and I was just... frozen. And then someone pushed me out of the way, and the carts got, like, demolished by a truck. I mean, I could've died.
Madison: Oh my god.
Brittany: Whoa. That's crazy. So is the margarita mix, like, gone?
Madison: I had a near-death experience recently. You know that old warehouse that burned down last month and like four people died? That building is, like, right by my old dentist. If I still went to that dentist and I had an appointment that day? I would've been, like, right near there.
Brittany: I was in Syracuse, New York, like two weeks before 9/11.
Madison: No way.
Brittany: Yeah. Fourteen days.
[Eleanor, exasperated, retreats to her room]
Madison: I can't believe we've all almost died.
- While she cleans up her mess of a room, Eleanor narrates:Eleanor: My name is Eleanor Shellstrop, and... I think I might be a monster. I'm rude, I'm selfish, I cyberbullied Ryan Lochte until he quit Instagram. But something happened to me today, and from now on, I'm gonna try to become a better, kinder, more generous person.
[Eleanor posts her narration to her Facebook page]
Brittany: Hey, can I use your credit card?
Eleanor: You know what? Yes you can.
Brittany: Cool. It's for porn. I already used it.
[Eleanor's computer chimes as a reply is posted]
Stephanie: did you get hacked?
- The next day, Eleanor goes to her boss at NasaPRO.Wallace: Hey. You look happy. Did you get laid last night? [Eleanor's smile falls] I didn't. Tried. Hard. With this chick that I met after I followed her into a yoga class. But she wasn't into it. Maced me. Right in the eyes. Stung like hell. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Hey.
Eleanor: Listen, dude. What you're doing here? Selling fake medicine to people, tricking them? Is wrong.
Wallace: Yeah. And?
Eleanor: I can't be a part of it any more. [Wallace sighs] I'm trying to become a better person, and as long as I work here-
Wallace: Yeah, sure, fine, whatever, you quit, who cares. Give me your company ID. [she does] Thank you. And your parking pass. [she does] Aaaand your panties, please.
Eleanor: [outraged] Dude.
Wallace: What, come on, I had to try. [into his collar] By the way, technically, that is not sexual harrassment because she doesn't work here any more.
Eleanor: You're wearing a wire?
Wallace: Yeah. Company's being investigated for fraud, so I'm helping the feds bring everyone down. Good timing on your part.
Eleanor: Dude, get help. I'm becoming a better person; you should too.
Betsy: Hey, Eleanor! Do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower?
Eleanor: Do you want to chew on my ass?-sssooortment of brownies that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower?
- Back outside the store, Eleanor approaches the environmental volunteer.Eleanor: Hey! Remember me?
Joe: [panicked] Aah! Don't hurt me. My bones are brittle. I have a calcium deficiency.
Eleanor: No, I'm not gonna hurt you, man. I came to apologize. There. I did it. I apologized.
Joe: No you didn't.
Eleanor: Yes I did, assface! ...Nope, you're right. I didn't. I apologize for being mean to you, like, a thousand times. There's really no excuse.
Joe: Thanks. Apology accepted.
Eleanor: Good. [turns to leave, then hesitates]
Joe: Uh. What's happening? I'm scared.
Eleanor: Hey, I'm on kinda like a self-improvement kick; do you think you could help me out? Teach me to... get all horny for the environment, or whatever?
- Like the pneumatic tube in the previous episode, Michael and Janet are monitoring the humans' "second chance" not on holographic screens but on old-fashioned stock tickers.
- Eleanor and her roommates are at a restaurant:Madison: Babes, get in on these nachos, they're delish.
Eleanor: I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.
Brittany: Ew! Why!
Madison: [sarcastically] Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals with their cute widdle faces because people stuff them in tiny cages just so that we can eat them?
Eleanor: Yeah. That's exactly why.
Madison: [laughs] Okay guys, um, can I say something for a second? I love you.
Madison: I do. I mean, I went through a really rough time last year with the whole Dress Bitch thing and people selling T-shirts with my face on them, [Eleanor and Brittany exchange a look; Brittany shakes her head] but you two stuck by me. I love you, you dumb sluts! Come on!
Eleanor: Okay, there's probably something we should tell you.
Brittany: Or not. We could also not.
Eleanor: We have to. It's the right thing to do. [to Madison] I tore your dress. And then I lied about it. And then Brittany and I were the ones who made and sold the T-shirts.
Brittany: Buuut, we did not keep the money.
Eleanor: Yes we did. We kept all the money. And I'm really sorry.
Madison: Okay. That took a lot of courage for you to admit that. And... I admire your honesty. [Eleanor sighs, relieved] You stupid skank! How could you do that to me! I hate you! You're both disgusting hogs and I want you to move out of my apartment, forever, literally starting right now! [storms out]
Eleanor: I'm still really glad we told the truth.
Brittany: Cooooooool. [also leaves]
- Eleanor lightly bumps another car while parking and leaves a note with her name and phone number.[Eleanor slams a document down onto a table]
Brittany: They're suing you?
Eleanor: This chick is claiming she has whiplash. She wasn't in the car when I hit it.
Brittany: This is on you. You should've pretended like you didn't see it and walked away, like everyone else does.
Eleanor: I know! I've hit your car like six times and never said anything! But I am trying to be good!
Brittany: [laughing] How's that working out for you?
- Eleanor reads another issue of "Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters", whose articles are just as ridiculous as the previous one's.Trayycen & Trayydeyn: Two Twins Tout Tummy Tucks
Mhavryck's $3 Million Makeover! From Fugly to Worse!
Aliviyáh Desperate to Hide Botched Ear-Tuck
Trend Watch: Bicep [Implants?]
Elbow Botox: Totally Worth It!
- It also features an advertisement for "Champagne by Jean-Ralphio", "Blanc de Blancs BRUT", whose slogan appears to be "Turn that frizown upsidizity".
- Joe shows up at Eleanor's apartment to find out where she's been.Eleanor: Oh, hey, man. Sorry, it's been a crazy month. You know, moving was a hassle, and I'm in the middle of a lawsuit, and I ate vegetables for the first time and I got diarrhea for like a week.
Joe: O- I know we don't pay a lot, but this is a job, and we need to know we can count on you. We're meeting tonight to discuss long-term strategy for the organization. I really think that we-
Brittany: [entering the apartment] Duuuude, dude dude dude dude dude dude dude, oh, sorry to interrupt whatever... boring crap this is, but dude. You need to get dressed. I got tickets to Taylor Spliffed. [Eleanor looks confused] The Taylor Swift reggae cover band. They're terrible. It's gonna be amazing.
[Joe gives Eleanor a significant look]
Eleanor: ...Yeah, that sounds like more fun, I'm gonna do that.
Eleanor: What! What, dude? I've been nothing but good for like six months! And all I have to show for it is this crummy apartment, a lawsuit, a loose caboose, and an overdrawn bank account. Being good is for suckers! What do you even get out of it?
Joe: A feeling of fulfillment. In your soul.
Eleanor: [Beat] Gross. That's the grossest sentence I have ever heard. Okay, I quit. Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.
Brittany: Whoo. I still think he's kinda hot.
Eleanor: I guess, in like a sick Victorian boy kinda way?
Brittany: Oooo, yeah yeah yeah, you wanna like feed him soup.
- At a building labelled "Health-E University", Eleanor talks to Wallace.Eleanor: So tell me about the new business.
Wallace: We sell classes at a for-profit university, and the classes train people how to sell supplements.
Eleanor: So it's a Ponzi scheme within a Ponzi scheme? That sounds kinda dicey.
Wallace: Oh, it's super dicey. But, I'm in witness protection, so technically, I can't be convicted of any crime.
Eleanor: Well that's definitely not true but I also don't care. Which one's my desk?
- A rather drunk Eleanor sits down at a bar, Brittany just having left as her boyfriend's wife is out of town.Eleanor: Hello, bartender. One alcohol drink, please. It's my birthday, if you wanna give it to me for free. [to another patron] I always say that, but it actually is my birthday! [laughs] Last year on my birthday I almost died. And... then I did a bunch of stuff that was good, but weird... aaaand then I stopped. And now I'm here!
Michael: Sounds like you had a pretty crazy year. [Eleanor makes an agreeing sound] Wanna talk about it?
- After the scene transition, Eleanor finishes drunkenly recounting a movie.Eleanor: And in the end, Anthony Anderson and Jerry O'Connell start a successful shampoo company, and you see the kangaroo jumping around Australia. [laughs] That is the plot to the movie Kangaroo Jack. Why did I tell you that?
Michael: It's unclear.
Eleanor: You know the thing is, the problem really with being a do-gooder?
Michael: What's that.
Eleanor: No-one cares. I mean, some people care a little bit, the twerpy little twerps from the environmental place, they care, but I was a good person, for six months. That's like five years. And it felt okay, but not as good as I thought it would. And what did I get for it?
Michael: Ah, see, now you're talking about moral dessert.
Eleanor: Exactly. Wait, I am? What?
Michael: Moral dessert is the concept that, if you act with virtue, you deserve a reward.
Eleanor: Right! If I'm not gonna get rewarded somehow, with like a tiara or one of those diagonal word belts...
Eleanor: Sure. Then why should I do good things?
Michael: You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad she'd hear this... this little voice in her head, distant little voice saying "Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.
Eleanor: Your friend sounds like she's one... pickle short of a... pickle party. [laughs]
Michael: She was a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried. See, I think that little voice was her conscience trying to guide her in the right direction.
Eleanor: I gotta go home. What do I owe you.
Michael: The real question, Eleanor... is what do we owe to each other?
Eleanor: [Beat] What? Did I sell you a drink? Am I a bartender?
- After the scene transition, Eleanor finishes drunkenly recounting a movie.
- As Eleanor goes to search "what do we owe each other", her previous searches can be seen to include:wedding fall bride farts
wedding fall nip slip
wing place has liquor license phoenix
what is this gross thing on my foot
when is kylie due
which az diamonbacks are single
what's a good excuse to skip baby shower
- Chidi says his lecture series is three hours long. Sure enough, you can see that there are four videos, each lasting about 45 minutes.
- Eleanor makes a trip to Australia and finds Chidi's office. Ten seconds after reading his name on the sign outside his door:Eleanor: Are you Chidi Anna... Kendrick?
Chidi: Anagonye, and yes.
Eleanor: From the long nerdy video about the little voice that tells you to be good.
Chidi: From the Cassat Foundation lecture series on the practical applications of ethical theory, yes.