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Funny / The Good Place Season 1

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     Everything Is Fine 

  • Eleanor points out that she doesn't remember how she died. Michael tells her that in embarrassing or traumatic deaths the memory is erased for ease of transition:
    Michael: So, you were in a grocery store parking lot. You dropped a bottle of something called "Lonely Gal Margarita Mix For One", and when you bent down to pick it up, a long column of shopping carts that were being returned to the shopping cart collection area rolled out of control and plowed right into you.
    Eleanor: Oof. That's how I died?
    Michael: No, sorry, there's more. You were able to grab onto the front of the column of shopping carts, but it swept you right out into the street, where you were struck and killed by a mobile billboard truck advertising an erectile dysfunction pill called "Engorgulate". Funnily enough, the first EMT to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours-
    Eleanor: Okay, that's... I get it, thank you.
  • Apparently all the major religions got about 5% of the afterlife. Meanwhile, a stoner from Canada named Doug Forcett in the 1970s made a prediction about the afterlife that was over 92% accurate in the middle of a trip, granting him a celebrity status among Good Place staff; Michael has a photo of him hanging in his office.
  • Each of the neighborhoods in the Good Place is meticulously, precisely calibrated for its residents. They run the gamut of climates and designs, but share one common feature: Numerous frozen yogurt shops.
    Michael: People love frozen yogurt; I don't know what to tell you.
  • Some of the examples of good and bad deeds in the orientation video are fairly normal, like "Hug sad friend", "Save a child from drowning", "Stiff a waitress", and "Tell a woman to "smile"". Others...
    Scratch elbow: +1.06
    (Beneath "Fix broken tricycle for child who loves tricycles: +6.60") Fix broken tricycle for child who is indifferent to tricycles: +0.04
    Politely tolerated a stranger recounting New Yorker article at cocktail party: +6.66.
    Remain loyal to Cleveland Browns: +53.83
    Began to compose social media post about David Bowie dying and then thought "The world doesn't need to hear my thoughts on David Bowie": +225
    Use 'Facebook' as a verb: -5.55
    Use the term "bro-code": -8.20
    Steal copper wiring from decommissioned military base: -16.00
    Fail to disclose camel illness while selling camel: -22.22
    Root for New York Yankees: -101.84
    Be commissioner of professional football league (American): -824.55
    • Most of the chosen acts are worth less than a hundred points; a rare few are worth over a hundred, and even fewer break a thousand. And then "End slavery" pops up worth over eight hundred thousand points, as does "Commit genocide" costing over four hundred and thirty thousand.
    • "Never discussed veganism unprompted" is worth over twenty times as many points as "Ate vegan".
  • Eleanor discovers the profanity filter.
    Eleanor: I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?
    Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.
    Eleanor: That's bullshirt.
  • Eleanor's "sales" job.
    Wallace: So we sell two products here: NasaPRO, and NasaPRO silver. We aim this at seniors. Now, you can't legally call it medicine, because it doesn't technically "work", and it is technically "chalk", so what you're gonna wanna do-
    Eleanor: You need me to lie to old people and scare them into buying fake medicine. I get it, man. Which one's my desk?
    [Cut to Eleanor telling the story]
    Chidi: So your job was to defraud the elderly. Sorry, the sick and elderly.
    Eleanor: But I was very good at it. I was the top salesperson five years running.
    Chidi: Okay, but that's worse. I mean, you... you do get how that's worse, right?
  • Eleanor trying to persuade a reluctant Chidi to help her hide her true identity.
    Eleanor: Come on, I'm just asking you to fudge a little bit. You must've told a few white lies in your life. I mean, what was your job?
    Chidi: I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.
    Eleanor: Motherforker!
  • Eleanor cannot think of a single truly good act from her life on Earth.
    Eleanor: Look, I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. Wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
    Chidi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.
  • "All I'm saying is, these people might be 'good', but are they really that much better than me?"
    Partygoer: Well, I spent half my life in North Korea fighting for women's rights, and the other half in Saudi Arabia fighting for gay rights.
    Partygoer: So we said, "If the U.N. won't remove those landmines, we will." And we dug up over a thousand unexploded landmines from the area surrounding the orphanage.
    Partygoer: Well, then he said "You can't give me both your kidneys; you'll die!" And I said, "But you will live, and I know we just met on this bus ten minutes ago, but you seem nice."
  • Eleanor having become quite drunk, Chidi suggests they leave the party.
    Chidi: I think it's time to go home.
    Eleanor: Wait wait wait. I just have to go upstairs, real quick, and steal a bunch of gold stuff.
    Chidi: Okay, don't do that.
    [A Beat, and then Eleanor runs off to do that]
  • Drunk and emotional, Eleanor attempts to compliment Chidi.
    Eleanor: You're a nice person, Chidi... Ana...conda.
    Chidi: Anagonye.
    Eleanor: Agano... comongo.
    Chidi: Anagonye.
    Eleanor: Ags... say it again?
    Chidi: Anagonye.
    Eleanor: No, say what you said before.
    Chidi: I did. It's Anagonye.
    Eleanor: You just changed it.
    Chidi: I didn't change it, it's my name.
    Eleanor: Arg gu grande. Ariana Grande. [gasp] That's a person! I did it!
  • Chidi pushes the button next to the entrance to Eleanor's bedroom, prompting doors painted with the image of an enormous clown to slide out from the walls amid a burst of cheerful music ending with a crowd cheering.
    Chidi: Well that's terrifying.
  • Eleanor meets Janet.
    Chidi: She’s like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history—
    Eleanor: Oh! There was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?
    Janet: No.
    Eleanor: (surprised) Really? Huh. I guess he just didn’t want to have sex with me.
    Janet: That’s correct.
    Eleanor: Well, that’s fine, I wasn’t that into him anyway.
    Janet: Yes, you were.


  • Chidi quickly concludes that Eleanor is the cause of the chaos in the Good Place.
    Eleanor: I'm just saying, I'm not the only one with flaws. So how can we be sure this is my fault?
    Chidi: You hogged all the shrimp and now there are shrimp flying around. You called Tahani a giraffe, and now there are giraffes everywhere.
    Eleanor: Okay, fine, turns out there are many ways to know that it was me.
  • Janet confirms that nobody, including Michael, can see what people have asked her. "Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?"
  • Chidi trying to figure out if Eleanor is capable of learning to be good.
    Chidi: Tell me one fact that you know about me.
    Eleanor: [blank look]
    Chidi: I mean, we spent the whole day together, you must remember something.
    Eleanor: [blank look]
    Chidi: What country am I from?
    Eleanor: Is it racist if I say Africa?
    Chidi: Yes. And Africa is not a country; I am from Senegal. Do I have any siblings? Where did I go to college?
    Eleanor: Trick question! You didn't.
    Chidi: I was literally a college professor. Do you not remember one single thing about me?
    Eleanor: Dude! Things have been nuts around here! I bet you don't know anything about me!
    Chidi: You were born in Phoenix, you went to school in Tempe, you're an only child, your favorite show is something called "The Real Housewives of Atlanta", and your favorite... book... is Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.
    Eleanor: How did you know all that?
    Chidi: Because you are constantly talking about yourself.
    • Chidi claims Eleanor may simply be too selfish to learn to be good. Not even twenty seconds have passed since he reminded her of his home country, and yet:
      Eleanor: Well I think you're wrong.
      Chidi: What country am I from again?
      Eleanor: Sennnnnnnnsodyne.
      Chidi: That is a brand of toothpaste.
  • In the flashback to her life on Earth, Eleanor draws a name from a hat to pick a designated driver. When called out on the fact that she always draws the name and never gets chosen, she eats the slip of paper before it can be checked, ostensibly on principle.
    Betsy: If I check the other ones I can figure it out by process of elimination.
    Eleanor: [stuffs all the other papers in her mouth]
  • Chidi volunteers himself and Eleanor to help clean instead of flying.
    Eleanor: Hey up there. Having fun? Or does it maybe suck, probably.
    Flying person: I'd say it's like fifty million simultaneous orgasms. But better. How's volunteer garbage pickup?
    Eleanor: About the same.
  • Chidi, on helping Eleanor: "Well, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: Yes and no."
  • Michael, deeply stressed by the flaws in his neighborhood, concludes a small dog is another glitch and kicks it into the sun.
    Michael: Whew! Ha-hah, that was a close one.
    Pevita: Teacup! Hey, have you seen my dog?
    • Once he creates a new dog for Pevita, Michael assures her it isn't a real dog, only a construct that feels neither pain, nor joy, nor love.
      Pevita: Teacup doesn't love me?
      Michael: Oh! Oh, no no no no no, it definitely feels love! Do you actually want a dog that loves you a little bit more? Because I can kick her right back into the sun and get you another one, just like that.
  • "Chidi! Hey! Before you say anything... That's it, I just don't want you to say anything."
    Eleanor: But, in my defense, there were only five minutes left in flying and I wanted to go flying.
    Chidi: How is that a defense?
  • Two of the residents are cheerfully picking up trash as it rains down around them, apparently considering it "a dream come true". Even a dumpster landing on them doesn't seem to impair their mood.
    Eleanor: Come on. I mean, even you have to admit those guys are psycho.
    [Chidi shakes his head in silent bafflement]
  • Upon seeing Jianyu restore Michael's self-confidence with a single calming gesture, Tahani concludes that he has much to teach her and decides to try being silent too. Her attempt lasts less than five seconds.
  • Amidst a fully-functional neighborhood, functional flight, and one million coexisting flavors, Michael considers creating a to-go cup that doesn't leak to have been one of the hardest problems he had to solve.
  • Eleanor gives Chidi a 'gift'. Which is just her dramatically and proudly saying "Senegal" at him.

     Tahani Al-Jamil 

  • Chidi trying to give Eleanor a crash course on ethics, including a brief history of the great philosophers, such as Plato and his student Aristotle.
    Eleanor: It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
    Chidi: Plato.
  • Janet's attempts at personality:
    • Conversational Janet.
      Janet: Ugh, been there, brother. Workin' hard or hardly workin', am I right? Hump day.

      Janet: I'll have what she's having!

      Chidi: I'll see you guys tomorrow.
      Janet: Not if I see you first. Where's the beef?
      Michael: I don't...
      Janet: Hump day.
    • Fun Facts Janet.
      Janet: Fun fact! Columbus is in the Bad Place because of all the raping, slave trade, and genocide!

      Janet: Fun fact! All deceased members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team are also in the Bad Place!

      Janet: Fun fact! A wheelhouse is a part of a boat!
      Michael: Okay, thank you, Janet, thank you.
      Janet: Fun fact! Janet is me!
    • Flirtatious Janet.
      Janet: I'm loving that hat on you. It would look even better on my floor.
      Chidi: What is happening now.
      Michael: I suggested she be friendlier, she seems to have slipped right into overt sexuality.
      Janet: I got something you could slip into.
    • Anti-Social Janet.
      Chidi: This equipment is very scary!
      Janet: Don't be a baby. It can't hurt you. Watch, I'll blowtorch your face off.
      Michael: Janet.
      Janet: Whatever. This whole thing is stupid.

      Michael: See, I read your whole book. All thirty-six hundred pages of it. It's, um... how shall I put this...
      Janet: It's a mess, dude.
    • Self-Help Janet.
      Janet: But now I'm back to normal. It turns out that the best Janet was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.
      Michael: She was feeling a little lost, so I gave her a self-help book to restore her confidence.
      Janet: Now I'm living my truth and creating my bliss.
  • Chidi's entire life was apparently spent on his book on ethics. He only manages to get partway through its title - "Who We Are and Who We Are Not: Practical Ethics and Their Application in the Modern World; a Treatise-" - before Michael cuts him off. It was thirty-six hundred pages long and completely incomprehensible.
    • Michael, capable of reading the entirety of the world's literature in an hour, took two weeks to get through Chidi's text, and the experience taught him what headaches were.
  • Eleanor believes that Tahani wrote the note she received in the previous episode and is secretly taunting her.
    Eleanor: She wants everybody to think she's such a perfect princess just 'cause she's tall and glamorous and has cappuccino skin and curves everywhere, and now I'm complimenting her. And kind of turned on.
    • As Eleanor continues to decry Tahani, the plant representing their relationship wilts and then starts whimpering.
      Eleanor: Truth hurts, doesn't it, plant?
  • Tahani dabbled in modelling, but gave it up because "Couture just doesn't fit my body; I'm cursed with ample bosom."
    Eleanor: And yet you soldier on.
  • Chidi has been diagnosed by a doctor as having "directional insanity", and once got lost on an escalator.
  • Chidi was so averse to deadlines that he never even named his dog.
    Michael: When it ran away, you posted signs saying "responds to long pauses".
  • Tahani is still adapting to her soulmate.
    Tahani: Oh, Jianyu darling, would you like some tea?
    Jianyu: [Nods then walks away]
    Tahani: That nod meant no, apparently.
  • His life's work apparently worthless, Chidi goes to Eleanor for a second opinion.
    Chidi: Am I a good teacher? Am I clear, do I make sense?
    Eleanor: [clearly concealing something under her shirt] Yeah! You're a great teacher, I'm super ethical now.
    Chidi: What's that?
    Eleanor: Hm? Nah, don't worry about it. ...I stole Tahani's diary-
    Chidi: [aghast look]
    Eleanor: So I could see if her handwriting matches the note-
    Chidi: You-
    Eleanor: And also, read about the mean and terrible things she's definitely done so I can prove she's actually evil.
    [The plant Tahani gave Eleanor bursts into flames]
    Eleanor: ...Huh! Whaddya think that means?
    Chidi: [aghast look]
  • "Ugh, of course your hugs are amazing."
  • Following the second note, Eleanor finds Jianyu. She explains to the calm, dignified monk that she's trying to improve and asks him not to tell anybody:
    Jianyu: Don't worry, I won't. Because I'm not supposed to be here either. I don't know how I got here, I have no idea what's going on, and I am freakin' out, homie! You gotta help me. I'm scared!

     Jason Mendoza 
  • Jason Mendoza turns out to be a complete idiot who was lucky enough to be given an excuse not to speak. Even after several weeks in the Good Place he believes he's either been abducted by aliens or on a prank show, he considers hitting on Janet, and he almost outs himself by unthinkingly saying "I'm cool" to Tahani.
    Eleanor: But Tahani said that you helped Michael by putting your hand on his chest and doing some sort of healing magic.
    Jason: Yeah, a nurse did that to calm me down once when I crashed my jet-ski into a manatee.
    Eleanor: You crashed your jet-ski into a manatee?
    Jason: Yeah. I'm from Jacksonville, Florida. It happens a lot.
  • How Jason found out Eleanor wasn't a good person:
    Jason: I figured it out the very first night, at the party, using my powers... of deduction.
    Eleanor: (in flashback, heavily drunk) I heard you don't talk! Well here's something for you to not talk about: I don't belong here. They made a mistake! Total phony. So... shhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay, later man.
    Eleanor: Okay. I vaguely remember that.
  • When Eleanor says they need somewhere to talk in private, Jason apparently offers to show her his "butthole", warning that it's "a little messy". It turns out he said "bud hole"; that is, a hidden place to hang out with your buds. The funniest part is that Jason speaks English. It wasn't a glitch in the translation; he just never realized what it sounded like.
  • Chef Patricia keeps delivering positive news in a tone more suited to absolute fury.
    Michael: Patricia is actually very happy, but she's also very intense. It can be confusing.
  • Eleanor's ethics lessons are something of a work in progress.
    Eleanor: Ahhh, knowing yourself. Is he talking about what I think he's talking about? [flashes eyebrows suggestively]
    Chidi: No, Eleanor, once again, none of these philosophers is ever talking about masturbation.
    • Doubles as a Genius Bonus: Apparently Chidi is unfamiliar with Diogenes.
  • Chidi walks in on Jianyu wearing a sports jersey and baseball cap, dancing to EDM, and talking.
    Jason: What's up, homie?
    Chidi: Eleanor? You broke Jianyu!
    • His look of baffled horror when he realizes he now has two selfish idiots to try and turn into good people.
  • Michael's somewhat dubious idea of helpfulness.
    Michael: I will do everything in my power to encourage him. Well, not everything. I won't give him a second mouth. Unless that would be helpful. No. Better not risk it.
  • When Tahani says that you can't be more perfect than perfect, Michael corrects her.
    Michael: Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.
  • Jason's somewhat dubious planning skills.
    Jason: Oh! I got a plan. We hack into Michael's phone, download all his nudes, and then blackmail him.
    Eleanor: ...No. What are you t- no!
    Jason: Yo, you should listen to me! I came up with hundreds of plans in my life and only one of them got me killed.
  • Michael somehow missed the pun in the name of the Good Plates restaurant until he said it aloud.
  • Each guest is given their favorite meal from their time on Earth. Jianyu's, apparently, was a square of plain tofu.
    Jason: Tofu? Ah, man, I'm ordering some jalapeño poppers.
    Eleanor: Shhh, be quiet and eat your white sponge!
    • Eleanor, on the other hand, receives an empty plate.
      Janet: According to our files, your favorite meal was the hunger strike you went on to protest Bolivian sex trafficking.
      Eleanor: Ohhhh. Right. 'Course I did that.
  • "Anyway, that's how this simple soup saved over ten thousand lives."
  • To keep Jason from outing himself, Eleanor destroys a cake that took Patricia a week to make. Apparently as a side-effect of such a cruel action, an enormous sinkhole opens up in the ground.
    Chidi: You broke... the world.
    [Eleanor smiles]
    Chidi: That's not a compliment.
  • After Glenn falls down the sinkhole and is clinging to the side, Michael tries to reassure him.
    Michael: We'll put your soup in the fridge so that it doesn't go to waste. [Beat] I know that's probably not your highest priority right now—
    Glenn: No, it was up there! It's really good soup!
  • Tahani's sense of priorities.
    Tahani: The launch was a disaster, poor Jianyu was so terrified that I fear he may never speak again, my hair is barely cascading down my shoulders...
  • Jason decides to take Chidi's class after all. Predictably, it starts out... poorly.
    Jason: I am here to learn about ethnics.
    Chidi: Wow! That's great, man! Um, I mean, it's ethics, but that's great!
    Jason: [To Eleanor] Pretty sure it's ethnics.
    Eleanor: Hey, buddy, I'm proud of you. This is your first step towards not sucking.
    Jason: Cool. I just have two questions: When are football tryouts, and does this school have a prom.
    Chidi: Ohhhh nooo.
    Eleanor: Oh wow. For the first time ever, I'm the smartest kid in class.

     Category 55 Doomsday Crisis 

  • To apologize for the sinkhole, Michael adds a truly improbable number of new ice-cream flavors (full list). They range from the standard (like grape, cherry, and neapolitan) to the technically-edible but bizarre (such as lobster and ham) to the more esoteric (a mother's love, candlelight, a second kiss after an awkward first kiss).
  • Eleanor runs back to her house at top speed to tell Chidi that, remarkably, she didn't hold up a line.
    Chidi: O-okay?
    Eleanor: Dude, you don't understand! I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth! But now, thanks to your good person lessons, I didn't hold up the line, I didn't even try a dozen samples I didn't want just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line!
    Chidi: You do that?
  • During Chidi's lesson on Utilitarianism, he points out that it can be used to justify even very bad deeds in the service of larger good ones. Jason chimes in:
    Jason: Oh, dude! I get it! It's like, I knew this girl Sheila, she was a black-market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.
    Chidi: Um. Okay, what.
    Jason: Sheila was gonna get married to my boy Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole breakdancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a sixty-person dance crew.
    Chidi: Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the utilitarian dilemma. Well done.
  • Michael has been working on his Western Hemisphere brunch banter, featuring such classic lines as "That New Yorker article was crazy", "You haven't seen Hamilton?", and "Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?"
  • Michael tries to pass off a "Category 55 Doomsday Crisis" as a minor inconvenience.
    Michael: Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no-one could see or hear us even if I yelled very loudly out of fear?
    • Similarly, he tries to pretend that the growing sinkhole is normal.
      Michael: Aah! It got bigger? Ah! Well! That, that's so, so normal! Uh, this is the reaction I have when things are incredibly mundane and expected, I'm gonna leave now, at my regular pace, as I do in most scenarios. [Takes off running]
  • Chidi's attempt to get some space from Eleanor.
    Chidi: Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some... blankets.
    Eleanor: Great! I'll grab my sweater. I can practice letting people cut in front of me.
    Chidi: You know, uh, I just realized that I have blankets, so I'm going to take a nap using the several blankets that I already have. Goodnight.
  • "When I told a boyfriend something was no big deal it meant anything from 'I just bought weed from your nephew' to 'I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid'."
  • Tahani's life was apparently spent in the shadow of her absurdly overachieving sister Kamilah.
    • As a child, Tahani drew a picture of a bird she saw; Kamilah instead produced a thoroughly pretentious metal statue.
    • Later in life, Kamilah had become the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University, a famous artist and social activist, an Olympic gold medalist, a BAFTA award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy award-winning album, and "Most Likely to be Banksy". And when she begins an auction for a lunch date with herself at Tahani's fundraiser, their parents bid five million dollars despite obviously being able to have lunch with her for free.
    • Contrary to her initial guess, her parents' will does still include a fairly substantial inheritance, even if it's less than Kamilah's.
      Executor: There is one issue, however: They have, um, spelled your name incorrectly in the will.
      Tahani: You've got to be kidding me.
      Executor: It says "We bequeath the rest of our estate to Tahini." Like the sauce.
  • "Oh, this is a nice dream, my grandma's here! Wait: She's got Eleanor's face! And tentacles for some reason!"
  • "I would love to not watch TV, but you cancelled school. [gasp] What have you done to me, you monster."
  • Eleanor had assumed that the dishes being clean every morning was simply another of the conveniences of the Good Place. In fact, Chidi washed them.
  • "Okay. Shouldn't take long. Between hour and, um, eleven months. Somewhere in there. Okay. Bye. [Closes the door, then reopens it] Don't go outside."
  • The couple Michael relocates to Eleanor's house are just about the worst possible visitors. One is a marriage counselor who wrote a book entitled "How to Spot Problems in a Marriage From a Hundred Miles Away"; the other used to investigate identity theft.
    • Eleanor concludes they're swingers and suggests they just go with it.
      Chidi: I am not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop talking to me!
      Eleanor: Really? You and I are very different.
    • Later, they offer Chidi and Eleanor a massage.
      Bart: Uh, not erotic massage. Although it can be, and it often leads there anyway...
      Eleanor: Okay! Uh, you know what, you guys have given us so much to think about. And I think we should go to bed. [Bart starts to stand up] Just the two of us, alone. Just us. [whispering to Chidi] I know it's not the right time, but I told you!
  • "...Eleanor." "Yeah, I know, you wanna do that thing where we're arguing and fighting but then suddenly it's like whoa, this is hot, and we start making out; dream on. Or whatever, fine, let's just do it."
  • Eleanor realizes she's become overbearing, and in apology arranges the boat fantasy Chidi earlier described. In the middle of the lake he realizes the problem:
    Chidi: I've never actually done this before. This is a theoretical fantasy. How do you row a boat!

     What We Owe to Each Other 

  • Chidi gives a brief summary of contractualism, positing a group of people, each of whom can propose rules or veto rules that others propose.
    Eleanor: Well, my first rule would be that no-one can veto my rules.
    Chidi: Well that's called tyranny, and it's generally frowned upon.
  • Eleanor has the strangest life stories.
    Eleanor: I need to find a way to both help him and not help him at the same time.
    Chidi: That's literally not possible.
    Eleanor: Oh really? I once posed as a hot prom date for my cousin, both helping him and, later, according to his therapist, not helping him.
    Chidi: [blank look]
  • Michael apologizes for the mess in his office, which is clearly spotless, then starts walking around invisible obstacles.
    Michael: Oh, I forgot, you don't see in nine dimensions.
  • Michael's attempts to learn about humanity include friends and/or Friends, but not the history of rent control in New York.
    Michael: To prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of "friends". I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those friends really were friends, weren't they? Although - and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of a eternal being - how did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef, with those Manhattan real estate prices?
    Eleanor: Yeah, we were all confused about that too.
    • He continues to reference Friends throughout the episode.
  • Without his vow of silence to fall back on, Jason has taken to providing wise-sounding answers to Tahani's questions by reading from a Magic 8-Ball.
    Tahani: Jianyu, my love, how are you?
    Jason: I am decidedly so.
    Tahani: That's very profound!

    Tahani: What do you say?
    Jason: Signs point to yes.

    Chidi: Right?
    Jason: Made in Taiwan.
  • "She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala, from the Lion King."
  • Michael has theorized that the problems in the Good Place are the result of some design flaw in the neighborhood. So, naturally, he inspected every rock in the Good Place and collected the seventy-eight most suspicious.
    Eleanor: Maybe to an architect they might look suspicious, but to me they just look like rocks, so I'm not sure how I can help.
    Michael: Do any of them look... defective? Sinister? You know, like they're taunting you, always one step ahead? You devious little monsters, you.
    Eleanor: Okay, let's take a deep breath here, buddy. You need to chill. A little. 'Cause you have a very psycho-burnout guy-muttering-to-himself-at-a-library-computer type vibe.

    Michael: Let's keep our eyes peeled for twigs that may have a nefarious agenda.
    Eleanor: Okay crazy, come on.
  • Chidi attempts to join in on a couples' massage as a single third person, much to Janet's confusion.
    Janet: Does not compute. Does not compute. I'm just kidding. I mean, it doesn't compute, but I'm not gonna explode or anything.
  • Chidi advises Jason to find a way to connect with Tahani "without, you know, being you."
    Jason: But what does that even mean? Do I talk or not talk? Do I be nice to Tahani or do I throw all her jewelry in the toilet?
    Chidi: That's the opposite of being nice?
    Jason: So... no toilet?
  • Michael claims to have become fond of frozen yogurt.
    Michael: There's something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it.
    Eleanor: Huh! That is very human.
  • Michael and Eleanor perform a truly awful karaoke duet.
    Michael: This is so interesting! I mean, there's no point to it - the images on this screen relate to nothing - some time passed and then it was over!
    Eleanor: That's karaoke!
    Michael: Let's do it again!
  • Michael plays a claw machine.
    Michael: Oh, man! I didn't even want that thing, why am I trying to win it!
    Eleanor: Because the machine says it's a prize.
    • He eventually manages to win a stuffed Minion.
      Michael: I won this ugly yellow toddler, which is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
  • In a flashback, Eleanor prepares to leave a dog alone for several days with unrestricted access to an enormous amount of food.
    Eleanor: This is in case of emergency. Do not eat this unless it's an emergency. Wow. I'm ready to be a mom.
    • When confronted over her responsibility for the dog's massive weight gain, Eleanor completely shrugs it off. "How was I supposed to know he would literally eat all of the food?"
  • Michael, realizing the problem is a resident rather than an object, has Janet compile a list of people who were on garbage duty when the garbage storm began.
    Michael: Eleanor. Our criminal is on this very short list.
    Janet: People were flying that day too. I'll add everybody who flew overhead.
    Michael: Eleanor. Our criminal is on this much longer list.
  • Chidi advises Jason to impress Tahani with impressionist paintings. Naturally, Jason decides this means a painting of comedian Frank Caliendo.
  • "How do you pump your fists again? [Spins his arms wildly] Is this it?"
  • Michael apparently has a prearranged hoodie for Janet to retrieve in the event that he gives up.
  • Michael tells Janet to call a neighborhood meeting.
    Janet: Should it be festive and casual or moribund and devastating?
    Michael: Moribund and devastating, please.
    Janet: Great!
  • "After I'm gone, take down the rest of those clown paintings. But leave up the sexy mailman. To remember me by."

     The Eternal Shriek 

  • Janet, as ever, faces the goings-on with unwavering cheer.
    Michael: Oh, my dear Janet. Will you be okay after I leave?
    Janet: Yes. This will not affect me in any way.
    Eleanor: Geez, show some compassion!
    Janet: Well, I can't feel sad, but here's my best approximation of human crying: Baaaaaaaa, a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a.
    Michael: Oh, Janet, that was beautiful.
    Janet: Yeah.
  • "Hah! How do you like them ethics! I just ethicsed you in the face, Chidi!"
  • "There's an old Chinese proverb. 'Lies are like tigers: They are bad.'"
    Eleanor: That's it?
    Chidi: It's more poetic in Mandarin.
  • Tahani trying to organize Michael's retirement party.
    Tahani: By the way, uh, what's your favorite color for the tablecloths?
    Michael: Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called pleurigloss.
    Tahani: Could you... describe it?
    Michael: It's the color of... when a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.
    Tahani: Hm. How 'bout blue?
  • The horrifically over-the-top description of Michael's retirement, the eponymous Eternal Shriek, Crosses the Line Twice.
    Michael: My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my... my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds.
    Tahani: Oh, well the diamonds sound lovely.
    Michael: They're not.
    Chidi: [groans]
    Michael: And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...
    Tahani: Like a piñata.
    Michael: Yes, except you have the string around my waist but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.
    Chidi: What.
  • Tahani resolves to immediately redo the party to better reflect the nature of Michael's retirement.
    Tahani: The key word for tonight is just "somber". Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to get rid of all the party poppers immediately.
    Jason: [begins popping party poppers]
    Tahani: No, not by using them!
    Jason: [gleefully continues popping party poppers]
    Tahani: No, Jianyu. Done.
    Jason: [keeps popping]
  • Chidi asked a tenured Professor at the Sorbonne to read his 3600-page manuscript. The Professor said he was going out for cigarettes and then simply left, abandoning his prestigious position entirely.
  • Since the only way out of the Good Place is by a train only Janet can operate, Eleanor asks if there is any way to shut her down. Without the slightest change in expression, she explains that there is a kill switch which will destroy her.
  • Eleanor summons Janet back to complete her high-five when Chidi declines it.
  • Chidi becomes so consternated by Eleanor's plan that he briefly reverts to toddler-speak.
    Chidi: You cannot kill Janet! Killing is one of the most famous... moral... no-nos!
  • Eleanor claims that in her plan the ends justify the means.
    Chidi: Do you know who said that?
    Eleanor: Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?
    Chidi: It was Machiavelli. A very non-Oprah-like figure.
  • In his flashback, Chidi lies awake in bed, tormented by his lie.
    Chidi: Why. Why would I tell Henry that I liked his boots, I don't like his boots, I hate his boots.
    Allesandra: Yes, I know, you've talked about it for the last two days.
    Chidi: I lied to him. I mean, you wrote your thesis on Kant. He believed that lying is always morally wrong, no exceptions.
    Allesandra: Yes, well, Kant was a lonely, obsessive hermit with zero friends. Sometimes we do things just to be polite. But if you really feel that strongly about it, tell him the truth. Also: I don't care, 'cause it's the middle of the night. This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
    Chidi: ...They do?
  • Michael regrets having to leave before doing all the human things he had wanted to do: Get his hair wet, pull a hamstring, learn the difference between "toward" and "towards", that thing where you walk towards someone and both try and move out of the way in the same direction, get a rewards card, say "take it sleazy" after a brief conversation, eat a saltine...
    Tahani: Oh! I actually have some saltines! Here, try this.
    Michael: [takes a small bite and considers it at length] ...Pretty dry. And too salty.
  • As they approach the kill-switch, a fail-safe kicks in to avoid accidental Janet deactivation: She begins extremely convincingly begging for her life. She keeps alternating between reassuring them that she cannot feel pain and tearfully pleading that her children not have their mother taken from them. Then, smiling again, she points out that the children are just a stock photo from the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.
    • Jason is immune by sheer force of obliviousness.
    Jason: That party was lame, so I bailed. Then I saw you, so I followed you here. Oh look, a button!
  • Eleanor explains to Chidi that the key to getting away with things is to act calm.
    Eleanor: We have fun, don't we Chidi?
    Chidi: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.
  • To the surprise of all present, Janet sits up in the middle of her funeral and prompts Michael to enter his four-digit PIN.
    Michael: Uh. What is it, what is it, um... Oh! Right, right, right, it's my, uh, my birth year. Uh... [enters 0000] I gotta change that, that's too easy to guess.
  • Janet's memory hasn't quite re-integrated, and so her immediate functionality is limited to repeatedly saying "Hello!" at short intervals.
  • In the flashback, Henry undergoes surgery for a life-threatening aneurysm. He pulls through:
    Chidi: That is so, so, so great. I hate your boots.
    Henry: What?
    Chidi: I told you that I loved your boots three years ago, and I was lying, and that lie has haunted me ever since, and people tried to tell me it was fine, just a nice little white lie in the form of social niceties, but I disagreed, and then yesterday I thought you were gonna die, but now you're not dead, and I can finally be honest and say that those boots are terrible and hideous and I hate them. Woo!
    Henry: This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
  • Chidi plans to confess to the murder of Janet.
    Eleanor: Dude! Why! Janet is fine! We didn't harm her at all.
    Chidi: We didn't? Hey, Janet!
    Janet: [in a corner, facing the walls] Hello!
    Jason: Hello?
    Janet: Hello!
    Chidi: Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?
    Janet: A, B, Janet!
    Eleanor: She knows her A-B-Janets!
  • Janet and Jason almost get caught in an infinite loop.
    Janet: Hello!
    Jason: Hi!
    Janet: Hello!
    Jason: Hi!
    Janet: Hello!
    Jason: [inhales]
    Eleanor: Jianyu.
  • "Michael. Janet said you wanted to speak to me. Well, actually she was just drooling a lot and saying 'hello' over and over again, but she did point at you."


     Most Improved Player 

  • "You lied so much you forgot your own birthday. Not a great start."
  • Since Janet is still re-integrating all the knowledge in the universe, she's suffering from some minor glitches. Michael's frustration and his cactus collection grow in equal, and hilarious, measure.
    Michael: Janet, could you please locate the file for an Eleanor Shellstrop, born in... [sighs] 1982?
    Eleanor: Yes.
    Michael: Phoenix, Arizona, USA.
    Janet: Sure! [chimes and hands Michael a cactus] Anything else?
    Michael: No, Janet, this is actually a cactus?
    [Janet plays with the leaves of a plant]
    Michael: This might take a while.
    Janet: Wheeee!

    Eleanor: [clears throat] Janet, can I have a glass of water please?
    Janet: [chimes and hands Eleanor a cactus] Here you go. Oh gosh, you said water?
    Eleanor: Yeah.
    Janet: I'm so sorry. [chimes and hands Eleanor a cactus] There you go.
    Eleanor: Ahh.

    Janet: Michael. Good news: I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
    Michael: [sighs] Is it actually a cactus.
    Janet: I don't understand.
    Michael: I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus.
    Janet: I have the file.
    Michael: You're sure? You have the file, and, and, and not a cactus?
    Janet: That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.
    Michael: Excellent. Please, give me the file.
    Janet: Here you go. [chimes and hands Michael a cactus]
    Michael: Thank you, Janet.
    Janet: You're welcome.

    Janet: Hi there. I have Eleanor's file.
    Michael: Janet, if you hand me a cactus I swear I will lose my mind.
    [Janet chimes and hands Michael a file, which he takes with an expression of silent astonishment and then turns over, presumably to check whether a cactus is hiding underneath]
  • Unable to read Eleanor's file, Michael resorts to asking basic personality questions about her life and deeds: Has she ever committed murder, sexual harassment, arson, or the like, owned a vanity license plate, reheated fish in an office microwave, taken off her shoes and socks on a commercial airline...
    Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?
    Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor! That's the point! And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers and arsonists and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines!
  • "And finally, a multi-part question: Did you ever appear on the American television program "The Bachelor" or its companion shows "The Bachelorette" and "Bachelor in Paradise", or post on any social media site that you were emotionally invested in any of the relationships the contestants were pursuing?"
  • Eleanor evaluates a moral dilemma. "Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches."
    Chidi: You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. Yeah, I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.
    Eleanor: No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.
  • When asked what she thinks should be done with Eleanor, Tahani vacillates wildly between points and ultimately declares "Well, is it not she who wants us to leave her?"
    Michael: Thank you, Tahani. You've been a big help.
    [The lie cube gives its negative response; Michael hastily stuffs it in a drawer]
  • For some reason, Jason decides to poke a cactus. Then he takes it home with him.
  • Michael and Eleanor are going through the biggest things she did in her life:
    Michael: So, "Little Julie". Now who's that?
    Eleanor: Julie is my cousin's daughter. Her mom is kind of a mess, so I used to take her to the mall sometimes and bought her churro dogs. It's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros. And it's tied together with a Slim Jim. It's an Arizona delicacy.
    Michael: Oh, it sounds awful. But it's very nice that you made that girl happy. [Eleanor beams] So, what's this: "Kool Threadz," [Eleanor's face falls] "Glendale, Arizona's Premiere T-Shirt Emporium"?
    Eleanor: Uh, can we skip around, and, and circle back? How about I tell you more about those churro dogs. They came with unlimited ranch dressing.
    Michael: Let's hear about the T-shirts, please.
    Eleanor: [whimpers] Okay. I'll tell you. But. It doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.
    Michael: That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.
  • This week's flashback to Eleanor's life features her roommates, who are somehow even worse people than she was. One of them sues a dry-cleaning business for 80 million dollars in emotional distress for supposedly damaging a dress; the legal fees drove them out of business.
    Michael: Oh, boy. [sudden realization] Wait. This story's about T-shirts. There's more, isn't there.
    • When the story goes viral and she becomes famous as "the Dress Bitch", the other roommate prints and sells T-shirts with her image on their front. Even Eleanor briefly wondered if what they were doing was insane.
      Michael: No, no. No. No. Do not tell me that you made T-shirts that said - that - and then sold them for a profit?

      Michael: I can't believe you sold the T-shirts.
      Eleanor: Does it help if they basically sold themselves?
      Michael: I think you know it does not.
    • Also, the former roomate mentions leaving early on to pick up vanity license plates.
  • The Buzzfeed-esque "NewsGlop" website reporting the "Dress Bitch" story is full of freeze-frame bonuses.
    • The website's sections are "Things", "Stuff", "Goofin'", "Syria", and "Wedding Fails".
    • The article reaction buttons are utter gibberish: "haha", "xyz", "zerp?!", "Yar", "mrmph", "plunk", "jjjjj", q¡", "narc!", "fffffffp", "am?", and a picture of an arrow.
    • The trending articles are meaningless Word Salad Titles.
      11 Bicycles that Look Like 8 Cats
      Tom Hiddleston Ate a Three-Bean Salad and it's Nothing
      Which "Just the Ten of Us" Character Aren't You?
      This Video of a Juggalo Using an ATM Will Make You Rethink Everything You Thought You Knew About the Krebs Citric Acid Cycle
  • Adam Scott, as Michael's Bad Place counterpart Trevor, tries to do the "spring snakes in a container of peanuts" gag with flaming hell-snakes. Michael simply concludes, cheerfully disappointed, that the snakes ate the peanuts.
    Trevor: [groans] You're too nice to humiliate.
  • Apparently Eleanor is something of a legend in the Bad Place; Trevor is even wearing one of her "Dress Bitch" T-shirts.
  • "Okay, uh, thirty minutes. We gotta get back for The Bachelor. I'm gonna be pissed if I miss the rose ceremony."
  • The Bad Place takes Evil Is Petty to a whole new level.
    Trevor: This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is. Oops! You just thought about it.

    Michael: [surrounded by pizza] Oh, hi, Chidi. Want some pizza? Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office. All Hawaiian. The worst pizza.

    Trevor: One final note: The dining car is at the very back of the train, it serves only room-temperature Manhattan clam chowder, and also, it's closed.

     ...Someone Like Me as a Member 

  • The reason behind the mix-up is finally discovered: By an incredible coincidence, two people who both happened to be named Eleanor Shellstrop died in the same ten-thousandth of a second in the same accident.
    Michael: The real Eleanor was attending a conference on the death penalty and you stopped by to pick up food for a local homeless shelter. And fake Eleanor was there buying margarita mix and a magazine called "Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters".
  • Trying to come up with something to offer the Bad Place crew to let Fake Eleanor stay, Michael suggests a unicorn.
    Michael: Right? I bet you don't have one of those.
    Trevor: No, that is true, yeah. Might be fun to skin it alive, eat its raw flesh. Maybe break off the horn, grind it, snort it...
    [Eleanor waves a hand to Trevor with a "there you go" expression]
    • Later, discussing it with Tahani, he laments that he doesn't even know what to offer.
      Michael: I mean, what do you get somebody who wants to eat a unicorn? A unicorn bib! Yes! No! No! Unicorn holders, you know, like, like corn holders, but for unicorns?
      Tahani: Perhaps it would be better if we just move away from the unicorn thing altogether.
  • In the flashback, Eleanor is transferred to a school whose team is named the "Scorpi-otes".
    Gloria: Half the school wanted to be the Scorpions, half wanted to be the Coyotes, so we compromised.
  • Bad Janet. Janet, with blonde hair and a leather coat, constantly texting on her iPhone, and answering questions only with insults.
    Michael: I'll show you. Bad Janet?
    Bad Janet: [appears with an echoing low-pitched chime] What.
    Michael: Bad Janet. Uh, where is the nearest café?
    Bad Janet: Oh, um, that's a good question. It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink. [chimes and disappears]
    Tahani: What is even the purpose of a Janet who behaves in such a manner?
    Michael: Unclear.
  • Naturally, Real Eleanor adores the house, with its Icelandic primitive design and its clown nook. When Eleanor complains that it's "kind of hard to get up on this dumb ledge" to the bedroom, Real Eleanor pushes a hidden button, prompting small staircases to emerge from the walls.
    Eleanor: You have got to be forking kidding me!
    [Chidi throws up his hands in disbelief]
  • Apparently one of the very same clown paintings from Real Eleanor's ideal house is also used to decorate Eleanor's room in the Bad Place.
    Chidi: Wait, what was your house like?
    Real Eleanor: Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare. Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow I had to organize it? And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.
    Trevor: Yep, that was my pitch.
    Real Eleanor: And then at night it was pretty classic torture. Uh, flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv, and there was always jazz music playing.
    Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like forty minutes long. It's like, "We get it, you can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John."
    Chidi: Famously a piano player.
    Real Eleanor: I don't mean to be a bother, but could I possibly get some water and whatever food doesn't turn to spiders in your mouth?
  • Janet is still re-uploading all her knowledge.
    Troy: Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.
    Janet: Sure. Quick question: What is a jalapeño? Also, what is a poppers? Also, what is jalapeño poppers?
  • Eleanor attempts to excuse her bad behavior with the fact that her parents were "dirtbags" and divorced when she was eight.
    Eleanor: I mean, that trauma... it can explain away a lot of behavior.
    Real Eleanor: Oh, of course.
    Eleanor: Your parents are still together, I guess.
    Real Eleanor: Oh, actually, um... I, I'm not sure. I never met my birth parents. They put me in an empty fish tank and abandoned me at a train station in Bangladesh.
    [Trevor groans]
    Real Eleanor: Luckily, I was found and adopted by a very nice couple, the Shellstrops.
    Trevor: Mm, thank God.
    Real Eleanor: But then they died when I was four. Bird flu.
    Chidi: That's awful!
    Real Eleanor: Anyway, orphanage burned down, yadda yadda yadda, made my way to America, yadda yadda yadda, learned English from watching Seinfeld, put myself through law school, and here I am.
    Trevor: Huh! And, I'm sorry, what... What is it you said happened to you? The same thing that happens to half of all kids in America?
  • Jason attempts to give Janet a motivational speech, claiming that it doesn't matter if she knows things, just what's in her heart.
    Janet: Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart. But thanks!
  • The Bad Place crew decide they want to throw a party. Tahani tries to shut down the idea, but the camera pans over to Michael, suddenly dressed in a light-up bow tie and sunglasses and surrounded by disco and karaoke equipment.
    Michael: Leeet's party! [starts dancing]
    • In lieu of cocaine, the Bad Place crew snort time.
    Tahani: Sorry: You're snorting the concept of time?
    Dana: Yeah, it'll fork you up.
    • And their karaoke songs include such gems as the Nixon Tapes, the Mel Gibson rants, and Mussolini's speech.
    • Their pettiness continues throughout the episode, too.
      Trevor: Eh, whatever, we got our wires crossed, we picked up the wrong dot, bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh.

      Michael: Oops, sorry, guys. Uh, see, in the confusion, Janet got rebooted, so she hasn't quite uploaded all of the info she usually knows.
      [General laughter from the Bad Place crew]
      Chad: That's hilarious. She's almost as stupid as people.
      Michael: Oh, hey now, come on. Let's not insult people, please.
      Troy: [poorly mimicking Michael] Uh, I'm Michael, I love, uh, idiot humans!
      Michael: I gotta admit, that does sound like me.
      Chad: [even more poorly mimicking Michael] Oi gotta admit, that does sound loike me.
      Michael: Nailed it again!
      Dana: Go get me a drink.
      Michael: Yes, of course.

      Trevor: Can't believe you thought you could pretend to be real Eleanor. She's like a perfect ball of light, and you're like a... wet pile of mulch. Someone made a person out of wet mulch and leaves and, like, dead slugs, and that's you.

      Trevor: Oh, man, these horndogs are vibing like mofos. Am I right, Fake Eleanor?
      Eleanor: Please stop calling me that.
      Trevor: Oh, you got it, third wheel. [laughs; then, without even looking at the wine as it arrives] Yeah, that wine's no good, I'm sending it back.

      Dana: This sucks. How do you guys eat without listening to hardcore porn?

      Real Eleanor: You'd rather be alone with... him?
      Trevor: [openly clipping his toenails at the table] Fire in the hole. Watch your heads, ladies, my dudes tend to boomerang around the room.

      Trevor: See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night. We hooked up.
      Eleanor: No we didn't!
      Trevor: Yeah, but who are they gonna believe, me or a woman?

      Trevor: Hey, if you two aren't gonna make out, just shut up.
  • During her time on Earth, Real Eleanor spent her weekends breaking up dog-fighting rings. Eleanor once saw a meter maid writing her a ticket and barked like a dog until she ran away.
    Trevor: I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the Bad Place. I mean don't get me wrong, you'll be miserable. We will torture you. But you'll also be happier, because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere you just don't belong.
  • When his cheerful hosting fails to secure results with the Bad Place crew, he concludes that he just has to be more accommodating. "Offer them everything they want, give in to all their demands, and then they'll have to respect me!"
  • Eleanor wakes up hung over in her bathtub.
    Eleanor: How am I hung over? I thought there were no hangovers here!
    Chidi: Well, the Bad Place crew requested that the hangover filter be turned off. They like them.
  • Eleanor's boss, Wallace, at the NasaPRO company has them run group drills to see how quickly they can shred evidence.
  • The Eleanor double act.
    Eleanor: I used to never want to be a part of any group, but I'm a different person now because of the person who helped me. And I want to be like him. I want to be like all the people who are here.
    Real Eleanor: You can, Eleanor!
    Eleanor: Thanks, Real Eleanor!
  • The final authority over all disputes between the Good and Bad Places is held by "Shawn", "the wise, eternal judge who sits on high". He is, essentially, God, and his involvement is serious enough that neither Michael nor Trevor has any desire to invoke his judgement.
    Tahani: And his name is... Shawn?
  • Michael finally puts his foot down, and it's a mixture of awesome and hilarious.
    Michael: Okay. Here's my offer. You... get... nothing. We're not letting Fake Eleanor go, and we're not giving you anything.
    Tahani: Get him, Michael!
    Michael: You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear - they have them down there. [Jason looks to Real Eleanor, shocked, for confirmation; she nods] But we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her-
    Eleanor: Ah-gah-gah-gah-gah, easy, buddy.
    Michael: But she's staying here. Now, all of you... Get the fork out of my neighborhood.
    [Eleanor exchanges a gleeful look with Tahani, who beams]
  • Tahani ultimately realizes Jason isn't who he's pretending to be because he helped the Bad Place crew tap a keg.

     Chidi's Choice 

  • Michael's attempt to be encouraging.
    Chidi: Should be fun.
    Michael: That's the spirit! Don't even think about the fact that our slightest misstep could cause Fake Eleanor to suffer for eternity.
    Chidi: 's all I'm thinking about now!
    Michael: Yep! Shouldn't've said that. Regretted it immediately.
  • When Real Eleanor tries to gently break the news to Eleanor that she has feelings for Chidi, Eleanor slightly misinterprets it:
    Real Eleanor: You know, a lot of death row inmates feel regret about things they never said. Admissions of guilt or anger... or love.
    Eleanor: Are you making a move on me? It's fine, I just didn't see it coming. Uhhhh. Well, hooking up with someone with the exact same name, it is kind of a fun, narcissistic fantasy...
    Real Eleanor: No, no, Eleanor, I - I'm talking -
    Eleanor: I could be into it.
  • Chidi's continued difficulties with decision-making.
    Michael: Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during rock-paper-scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables". I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences!
    Chidi: Oh boy. Now I'm nervous about that decision.
    Michael: Retroactively? I mean, h- how do you even...?
    Chidi: I don't know.
    • When tasked to choose players for a playground soccer game:
      Uzo: Come on, Chidi, pick someone.
      Chidi: Don't pressure me, Uzo; I have to consider all the factors! Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics! Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality, or, or is that pandering? Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view? I'm vexed, Uzo! Vexed!
      Uzo: You're always vexed. Just pick!
      Chidi: Okay, fine. Uh, I choose Tokunbo.
      Uzo: You can't draft the teacher. Pick a kid!
      Students: Come on, Chidi! Just pick someone!
      [bell rings]
      Uzo: Congratulations, Chidi: You filibustered recess!
    • Back in the present day:
      Chidi: It would be easier to sort out the issue of dry-erase versus paper if I could write down the pros and cons of each, but, of course, I would have to use one of them to write down the pros and cons for them, which is problematic.
      Michael: Wow.
    • Michael eventually concludes that Chidi's indecisiveness has somehow become contagious.
      Michael: If you can't make a choice, this whole neighborhood could fall apart!
    • Another flashback, this time in a restaurant charmingly named "Eating Nemo":
      Chidi: Okay, getting close here. Just mulling the ethical ramifications of various soups.
      Uzo: Ah, same old Chidi.
      Waiter: I can come back for a fifth time?
      Chidi: Yeah, you know, maybe that's smart.
    • Uzo explains he would like Chidi to not be the best man at his wedding, on the grounds that the amount of decisions involved would drive Chidi insane. Chidi disagrees:
      Chidi: Well, Uzo, this isn't choosing soccer teams on a playground. When something's important to me, I can make a decision. Watch. [flags waiter] Um, excuse me! Excuse me. I have decided I would like to unequivocally order the pumpkin soup.
      Waiter: Perfect.
      [Chidi spreads his arms in demonstration with a very strained smile]
      Uzo: You kinda wanna change your order.
      Chidi: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. [leaps up after the waiter] Excuse me. Risotto. Risotto?
    • Against all reason, Uzo apparently gives him the best man role anyway, and predictably he does not handle it well.
      Chidi: [visibly soaked in sweat] I had a little trouble, writing my speech. Um. I wrote... eleven different versions.
      Uzo: Wedding's in twenty minutes, buddy.
      Chidi: Oh boy. I mean, these run about fifty-five minutes apiece. I'm really hot, is this air conditioner even working? [pounds it]
      Uzo: Yes. It is. You're just having a literal meltdown. Also you're not dressed yet, and we haven't picked up the rings.
      Chidi: Okay, well, uh, there's an issue there, uh, involving what I consider to be unfair labor practices on the part of the jeweler.
      Uzo: And we never had a bachelor party because you could never settle on a location, or time.
      Chidi: [sits down] I'm sorry. You were right. This is too much for me. You should just leave me here and go get married.
      Uzo: Yeah, here's the thing, bud: My wedding isn't for another month. This was a test to see if you could handle being my best man, and just as I predicted, you failed. Miserably.
      Chidi: Oh no. No, I, I mean, I'm relieved, but this is... embarrassing.
    • Uzo then offers to buy Chidi a beer, and it becomes clear that Michael was being quite literal when he said that indecision caused Chidi agony "right up to the very end":
      Uzo: Thirty minutes, Chidi? We have been trying to pick a bar for thirty minutes. It is literally impossible to be your friend! You're incapable of making a single decision!
      Chidi: Look, I know I can be indecisive, but what's the harm in taking a few extra minutes to find the perfect-
      [Chidi turns towards a breaking noise from above, which turns out to be, presumably, the air conditioner he pounded on earlier; it falls and lands on his head, killing him instantly]
  • Eleanor's attempt at confessing her feelings starts out by explaining how annoying her previous boyfriends were, and moves on to how Chidi is "way more of a buzzkill than any of those dudes".
    Chidi: Okay! Thanks for this conversation.
    • Then she declares that the frank and clear expression of feelings made her "itchy" and that "love has made [her] a nerd".
    • Whereupon Tahani bursts in to deliver her own declaration of love, which in fact involves no mention of her own feelings and consists entirely of telling him his.
      Eleanor: Technically you told him that he loves you, but yes.
    • To which Eleanor responds by asking for a "do-over" on her own comparatively lacking confession.
    • And Chidi's reaction to the entire incident:
      Chidi: I need to step outside. For some air. And... I will not be back... for many days.
  • Jason asks Janet why she's so nice to him.
    Janet: [with apparent emotion] Well... you were very nice to me while I was rebooting. [chipper again] Also, I'm programmed to be nice to everyone!
    Jason: Janet? I just realized something. I love you.
    Janet: [still chipper] Okay!
  • Tahani introduces Eleanor to her favorite British TV series.
    Eleanor: What's this show called again?
    Chidi: It's Deirdre and Margaret. It ran for sixteen years on the BBC; they did nearly thirty episodes!
  • Prompted by an offhand remark from Tahani, Eleanor concludes that she and Jason may in fact have been soulmates.
    Eleanor: I think this is the answer! People come in pairs here, and if the system paired us up then maybe, somehow, I do belong here with him!
    Janet: [chimes] Hi there! Jason and I are getting married. In ten minutes. And you're invited.
  • "Here we've got your soulmate options: Eleanor, Real Eleanor, and a theoretical third person. Let's call her... strawberry-mango twist."
  • Jason's wedding is, predictably, an absolute farce.
    Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to married!
    [A techno version of the wedding march begins to play; Jason dances into the room wearing a formal suit and a backwards baseball cap, while Janet descends the stairs in a wedding gown]
    Jason: Yo, check it. [tears off the detachable sleeves of his suit]
    • "This is great. At different moments during our time here we both thought that Tragic Mike over here was our one true love, and now he is marrying whatever Janet is."
    • Jason has composed a poem for the occasion.
      Jason: Janet, my digital queen. Janet, we can dare to dream. Send nude pics of your heart to me. [Eleanor chokes on her drink] Jacksonville Jaguars rule!
    • Janet downloads over two hundred and thirty thousand songs, movies, poems, and novels to research the nature of love in order to compose her vows, three seconds before beginning their delivery.
      Janet: Does anybody here object to this marriage?
      Eleanor: [simultaneously] Of course we do! How could we not object?
      Tahani: [simultaneously] Yes, this is a terrible idea.
      Janet: Overruled.
    • "So, by the power vested in me by me, I now pronounce us husband and wife."
    • Jason squashes a slice of cake onto Janet's face, to which she reacts not at all. Shortly thereafter, he picks a piece of cake off her face and eats it.
    • Tahani and Eleanor weigh in:
      Tahani: It's funny. I was devastated when I found out that he wasn't my soulmate, but now I think I've dodged a bullet. He's a... simple man.
      Eleanor: I once watched him eat electrical tape right off the roll. He thought it was a Fruit by the Foot that had gone bad.
  • Chidi rushes over to discuss the soulmate situation with someone and finds that all three potential soulmates are there.
    Chidi: Oh, hey, it's my... three favorite yogurts.
    • Before he can even get a word in edgewise, Eleanor and Tahani retract their respective confessions, Tahani announces that she has thought of a way to save Eleanor, and the three of them leave. Chidi is left alone to continue to attempt to parse the idea that Jason and Janet are now married.
    Eleanor: An hour ago I thought Jianyu was my soulmate, and the fact that that kinda made sense means you and I could never be meant for each other. Plus, Jianyu's married to Janet now.
    Chidi: Okay. ...What?

    Tahani: And yes, we do have the sort of connection that only two highly educated sophisticates could have, but it's not true love. True love is what Janet and Jianyu have.
    Chidi: Yeah. ...What?

    Chidi: (seeing Jason and Janet dancing) What?

     What's My Motivation 

  • While Eleanor tries to raise her point total:
    Tahani: Eleanor! Everyone hates you!
    Eleanor: [cheerfully] Well fork you too!
  • Real Eleanor puts a note in Chidi's egg:
    Chidi: "I love you." How cute! I love you too, egg!
    Real Eleanor: Oh, no, no, Chidi, that, that's me, saying that to you. I love you.
    Chidi: ...Ohhhhhhhh! Well! That is... something!
    Real Eleanor: I know you've gone through a lot, and now I'm throwing this at you, but I just... I had to tell you how I feel. I love you. No need to respond.
    Chidi: [quickly] Great.
    Real Eleanor: Well, at some point, you'll... respond, right? I just meant no rush.
    Chidi: ...You wanna talk about eggs again?
  • Janet is still somewhat new to relationships:
    Jason: Hmm, this isn't right.
    Janet: I'm sorry, I've never kissed anyone before. Is one tongue okay? I can add more tongues.
  • Jason thinks Michael is Janet's dad, even after apparently being told otherwise several times by Janet herself.
  • The entire story leading up to Jason's death.
    • Jason and Pillboi decide they need to move to Miami, but lack the funds to do so.
      Jason: I know what we gotta do. We're gonna rob this restaurant.
      Pillboi: Great idea! But what if we get caught?
      Jason: We'll just get married so that no-one can testify against us.
    • Their preparedness, or rather lack thereof:
      Pillboi: I don't know, B. What if it doesn't work?
      Jason: Hey, we thought of everything. Except for an alibi and an escape route, but we'll figure it out as we go. You don't wanna overthink these things.
    • The robbery itself involves Pillboi doing a terrible impression of a safe installer while Jason hides inside the fake safe. The counter girl isn't fooled for a second and is entirely blasé about the whole thing.
      Pillboi: [in a bad Italian accent] Digiorno! I am a safe installer, here to install-a the safe, so just point-a to where the guacamole money is and I'll-a install-a the safe-a in the, how you say-a, place-a...
      Susan: [picks up phone] Yeah, hi, we're being robbed.
      Pillboi: No. [turns to safe] J, they're onto us, man.
      Susan: His hat's a golf ball and he's got a terrible moustache.
      Pillboi: We need to get married now. I do. For el-always and forever. I do!
    • Once the police arrive:
      Officer Prawnmandler: So the "plan" was to pretend to install a safe with your friend hiding inside it, he pops out, steals the money from the restaurant, gets back in the safe, then you come back in and uninstall it.
      Pillboi: I refuse to discuss my fifth amendment rights until I concur with your attorney.
      Prawnmandler: Sure. Look, we found your buddy's plans, we know he was the... "brains". You were just an accomplice. If you get lucky, you might get probation.
      Pillboi: Jason going to jail?
      Prawnmandler: No, man. Jason's dead. He suffocated in that safe. There were no air holes. Plus he did a bunch of whippits while he was in there, which couldn't have helped.
      Pillboi: At least he died doing what he loved: A bunch of whippits. Now he's never gonna get the life he truly deserved.
      Prawnmandler: Eh, I think he got roughly what he deserved.
    • Jason reflecting on his death:
      Jason: I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... [Beat] Who's only now realizing why that didn't work!
      [Michael looks baffled and displeased]
  • "We must throw the perfect party, or else you'll be tortured by demons forever. This will be the fourth most important party I have ever thrown!"
  • Michael finding out that Janet is married.
    Michael: Janet, there you are. Some residents are complaining that you're not responding, so- I'm sorry, what's going on? Is that a, a wedding ring?
    Janet: Yes. I'm married.
    Michael: ...To whom?
    Janet: Sorry. My protocol forbids me from telling you any private information about any resident.
    Michael: Is it... that person? Jianyu? The man standing right there, also wearing a wedding band?
    • And Michael's wordless gestures when Jason calls him "Dad" and tells him they need to talk.
    • After moving to Michael's office:
      Michael: And you two... are married.
      Jason: Hellz yeah, homie! We love each other! She makes the bass drop... in my heart.
      Janet: And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed!
      Jason: Love you too, babe.
    • Michael decides to talk to them separately:
      Michael: I will speak to you later. Go to your void.
      Janet: Okay! [chimes and disappears]
      Jason: Nooo! Janet come back!
      Janet: [chimes and reappears] Hi there!
      Michael: Go.
      Janet: Sure thing. [chimes and disappears]
      Jason: Nooo!
      Michael: Stop doing that.
      Janet: [chimes and reappears] Me?
      Michael: Go.
      Janet: Goodbye. [chimes and disappears]
      Jason: Janet come back.
      Janet: [chimes and reappears] I love you.
      Jason: I love you too!
      [Michael looks exasperated]
  • While preparing for the party:
    Chidi: Hey, can I ask your advice on something?
    Eleanor: You sure, dude? Isn't there someone else better you could ask, like literally anyone else?
  • "If this were some random person you hooked up with at a Diamondbacks game in the parking lot behind the port-a-potties - not based on a real example..."
  • Michael concludes that Jason got into the Good Place because he died at the same time the real Jianyu went into such a deep meditative state that he registered as dead.
    Michael: And when you died at that exact same moment, our system mistook you for him, perhaps because you share the exact same IQ.
    Jason: Cool!
    Michael: No, not cool, he stopped learning at the age of seven.
  • Michael runs Jason through the lie-cube personality test, including the question of whether he listened to "the Red Hot Chili Peppers". (He did, and got arrested trying to steal one of its members' guitar.)
    Jason: Is it just me, or am I acing this test?
    [The lie cube gives its negative response]
  • Michael agrees to say a few words for the crowd, during which Tahani's face progressively falls.
    Michael: Hello everyone. Good to see you all here. Mingling around, with your... various secrets. Who really knows which of you are who you say you are? No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right? Okay! Take her easy. [thumbs up]
    Tahani: ...Yes. ...Well said.
  • "She's kind, she's humble, she's... the Wal-Mart of friends! [to Eleanor] Did I use that word right?" "[vaguely affirmative shrug]"
  • The entire crowd of Good Place residents cracking up at Eleanor's weak "pobody's nerfect" joke. Even Real Eleanor agrees it's hilarious.
  • "Jason, you are all that I care about. Possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you. I love you. Also, interesting side note: I think I might hate things now too. So far it's genocide and leggings as pants."
  • Michael gets fed up:
    Michael: This is nuts. Just weighing in over here. This is bonkers. [stands up] Okay, I have to go reboot Janet.
    Janet: Why?
    Michael: It's the only thing I can think of to do to get rid of this glitch.
    Jason: Yo, who you calling a glitch?
    Michael: It means error, Jason, which is what this is.
    Janet: Oh really? Is it an error to act unpredictably, and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave?
    Michael: Yes. Now, you two sit tight. I'm gonna go murder Janet, and I'll be right back.
  • Janet is beginning to understand jokes:
    Janet: Okay. I've hacked into the mainframe.
    [Eleanor sighs in relief]
    Janet: Kidding. [laughs] I can't "hack into" the mainframe. Technically, I am the mainframe.
  • Shawn's first impression of Eleanor:
    Shawn: I'm here to rule on the fate of Fake Eleanor Shellstrop.
    Michael: Yes. Yes, um, I think we have a rock-solid case for Fake Eleanor. I truly believe she's a good person.
    Shawn: Are you sure? Because I believe she's stealing my train.
    [Shawn and everyone else turn to look at the train as it begins to pull away]
    Eleanor: I'm sorry, Michael! Sorry, everyone.
    Michael: ...Well. Not great for my case.

     Mindy St. Claire 

  • In a flashback to Eleanor's death, not only does she buy the "Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One" (Tagline: "You don't need them anyway!") and "Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters" but a bottle of tequila, a large number of bags of potato chips that she just scoops into her cart as she walks past, ""Buzzer Beater" Lightly-Expired Cocktail Shrimp", several large handfuls of boxes of mints, and an entire cartful of other items, all of which she piles onto the "ten items or less" lane.
    • The articles on "Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters":
      Best and worst babies: Busted!
      Guess whose baby it is
      12 baby butterfaces you won't believe!
      Worst! Celeb baby play date ever
      Baby spa treatments
      Baby botox: Start young
    • It also contains a horoscope by one "Mille. Cassandra Satchnork-Caperswitch" whose entries are incoherent even by zodiac standards, not to mention inconsistent.
      Virgo: Mars and Saturn are duking it out, so there is almost no chance of smooth sailing for Virgo this month. Make sure everyone knows what you are worth. Believe in yourself... and in YOU. LUCKY NUMBERS: 3, 11, 19, 33, 50
      Libra: Think you are skating by without anyone noticing? Dream on. Your energy is too vibrant to remain unnoticed. With Mars and Saturn in alignment, it's time to live every day like it's your last. LUCKY NUMBERS: 1, 23, 58
      Scorpio: Saturn and Mars are squabbling like a pair of spoiled little babies, and the cream rises to the top. Forget what people think you haven't done - remind them of what you might be about to have tried to don't! LUCKY NUMBERS: 2, 4, 3
      Sagittarius: Now is not the time to make that risky financial play, with Mars and Saturn teaming up to bear down. But where Mars goes, Saturn is sure to follow. Whatever your heart wants, but your brain doesn't, is feeling like a truth of it. LUCKY NUMBERS: 3
      Capricorn: Saturn might make you feel confident this week, but Mars? Forget it. Mars spits at your confidence. The only thing Mars is thinking about is himself, and that makes for rocky roads. In the battle between Mars and Saturn, side with Mars over Saturn. LUCKY NUMBERS: 3
      Aquarius: There's nothing to do. It's hopeless. Just give up. Or at least, that's what [Saturn?] and Mars want you to [do? ...] they're [cut off by edge of screen]
    • Next to "Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters" is an "International Sophisticate" magazine whose cover features the headline "British Socialite Tahani Al-Jamil: Not Just Kamilah's Sister".
  • Eleanor's response to polite small talk.
    Cashier: So! Big plans this weekend?
    Eleanor: Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house, watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzler straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.
  • Eleanor then wakes up on the train.
    Jason: Oh! Good, you're awake. Can I ask you a question about where we're going?
    Eleanor: Sure.
    Jason: Where are we going? I forgot.
  • "Go away from me." "[cheerfully] Okay!"
  • Janet may be disconnected from her database, but she's still learning. Sort of.
    Janet: Don't worry. There's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Claire's house. It'll be our sexy little secret!
    [Eleanor looks baffled]
    Janet: Jason taught me about sexy things.
    Eleanor: Oh yeah? What things did he say are sexy.
    Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, [Eleanor looks baffled] twenty thousand followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, [Eleanor turns to glare at Jason, who makes a hand gesture] latex pants, Carl's Jr. Ads, and sex.
    Eleanor: Mnh, some of those were right.
    [Jason and Janet high-five]
  • Apparently this is only the third time Shawn's judgement has been invoked. He pronounces all the zeroes in "Case #00003".
  • The Bad Place sends Bad Janet to present their argument.
    Bad Janet: [chimes and appears on the opposite side of the desk from where Shawn is looking] What up, ding-dongs. Yeah, so basically, um, the fake Eleanor's a dirtbag, and these jabroonis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirtbag now, but she just stole your train and she still sucks bad and she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out. [farts] Nailed it. [chimes and disappears]
    Shawn: I've ruled the fart inadmissable as evidence. What I will consider is the recent development of Eleanor stealing my train.
    Michael: Now hold on a second. She stole your train to voluntarily go down to the Bad Place. She was sacrificing herself because she is a wonderful, selfless- [Shawn manifests a cocoon] No, don't - oh.
    Chidi: Whhhat's happening.
  • When Shawn's cocoon opens again, Tahani lets out an exasperated "Finally," causing him to immediately cocoon himself again. When the others berate her for this, she snaps "Oh, because you're all so perfect." Recall that she is speaking to two people whose scores place them more firmly in the Good Place than hers and Michael, who is theoretically some kind of angel.
  • Being outside their neighborhood, Janet is unable to use any of her normal abilities to help them find Mindy St. Claire. Eleanor decides to try a direction.
    Janet: Ooh, I've never had to walk before! This is fun! [three seconds of walking pass] Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.
  • When they finally come across a house:
    Eleanor: Well, given that she's the only person in the neighborhood, I'm guessing this is the plaaoooh she's naked!
    [Mindy, apparently gardening naked, screams and hides behind a cluster of sunflowers]
    Eleanor: Oh! Sorry! [covers her face and turns away]
    Mindy: [screams again]
    Jason: Aaah! [spins around]
    Mindy: [continues screaming]
    [Jason turns back for a moment, exclaims again, and turns away again]
    Mindy: WHO ARE YOU!?
    Janet: [cheerful as ever] I'm Janet. [waves]
    [Eleanor glances back and averts her eyes upon finding Mindy still naked]
  • Mindy's neighborhood is a collaborative effort between the Good and Bad Places. It's stocked with her favorite beer, but it's always warm. Her jukebox contains every song ever sung... by the Eagles, and only the live versions. Plus some spoken-word poetry from William Shatner. "It's deeply terrible."
  • "That is the nicest and only thing anyone has said to me in thirty years."
  • Mindy says that the story of her ending up in the Medium Place is a long one.
    Jason: You guys have fun. This is me and Janet's honeymoon, so we're gonna go try and figure out how to have sex.
    [Eleanor looks confused and disgusted]
  • Mindy was a heavily cocaine-addicted corporate lawyer in life, but immediately before she died withdrew her life savings to start a charity, having been inspired by her most recent high. She immediately fell onto a subway track and was electrocuted by the third rail.
    Mindy: Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me. [laughs] 'Cause I love cocaine. Do you have any? I'm just - I shouldn't. Do you?
    Eleanor: [Beat] No.
    Mindy: [laughing] Oh. Yeah. I mean, I was just, I was just kidding, it was just a joke. I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now? [falls silent and stares into the distance]
    Eleanor: [awkward pause during which she tries to follow Mindy's gaze and then looks around; hesitantly] Are you okay?
    Mindy: [immediately] Anyway, so after I died, uh my sister found my plan.
  • When Mindy woke up in the afterlife, the Good and Bad Places had been fighting over her for some time.
    Mindy: Like a stripper over that last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I mean.
    Eleanor: [strained grin]
  • When Eleanor flashes back to her life on Earth, she's on the phone trying to sell a customer medicine.
    • Her coworkers come up to her with a birthday cake, per office tradition. She declines, having brought her own cake.
    Eleanor: Yeah, no, I get it. It's just, I know what kind of cake I like. Plus, it's Lisa's birthday next week, and if I let you give me a cake that means I gotta pitch in to get Lisa a cake and sing to her and wear one of those dumb hats you all are wearing right now. No thanks.
    • When she turns back to her customer, Eleanor has entirely forgotten what they were talking about.
    • As her coworkers walk away:
    Betsy: What is her deal? Why is she like this?
    Wallace: I don't know, but the meaner she is, the more it turns me on. Is that weird?
    Betsy: You're my boss.
    Wallace: Ohh. Say that to me again. But more disgusted with me. Like I'm a worm.
    Betsy: [silently walks away]
  • The group presenting their case in a flat monotone to avoid Shawn detecting any emotion and cocooning.
    • An attempt which is promptly ruined by Shawn informing them that Eleanor is not in fact in the Bad Place, causing them to exclaim in surprise.
  • Shawn decides to review Eleanor's memories.
    Chidi: Her memories? As in, all the things she's done on Earth.
    Shawn: Mhm.
    Tahani: But perhaps we could take a little break first. You know, we've been at it for a while, and you must be tired.
    Shawn: I've been asleep in goo for the last twenty-nine years, so I'm good.
  • The various deeds in Eleanor's life resulting in her largest negative point values.
    Heckling of mall santas (x9)
    Altercations with various youths selling various items for various fundraisers (x88)
    Lifetime ban from Build-a-Bear Workshop
    Stole scarecrow from a Fall Follies display, put it in passenger seat so she could use carpool lane
    Got health department to give favorite restaurant a "B" rating so it would be less crowded
    Scalped epipens (x4)
    Roommate/dry cleaning incident
    Lied about age to eat off kids menu
    Cyber-bullying of pregnant woman from spin class
    Started fire in mailbox to get mailman to take off shirt
    Brief instagram flirtation with Kid Rock
    Strangers flipped off (traffic) (x82)
    Strangers flipped off (misc. locations) (x129)
  • "Hey, uh, where did you get that? That's not one of my books. I only have Anne Rice vampire novels with water stains, and I've cut words out of most of them to make pornography."
  • "Okay. Instead of reading, I will watch this VHS copy of... 'Cannonball Run II'. Or, maybe, 'The making of Cannonball Run II'. Wow. Very medium." "Yeah."
  • Jason and Janet re-enter the building.
    Eleanor: Hey, you two lovebirds figure out how to have sex yet?
    Jason: No. We tried for two hours, but there was just a lot of, like, bumping into each other.
    Janet: [cheerfully] It was weird.
    [Eleanor silently shakes her head]
  • After Chidi's testimony that Eleanor worked to better herself, and Tahani's explanation that she also helped Eleanor with friendship and sorely-needed fashion advice:
    Shawn: Thank you. For these testimonials. A ruling has been reached.
    [Michael, Real Eleanor, Tahani, and Chidi all wait eagerly]
    Shawn: Oh. You want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are.
  • "As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements, nor seen any evidence to suggest - [consults clipboard] Oh. He's from Florida. Yeah. He belongs in the Bad Place."
  • Michael asks how Shawn intends to enforce his ruling, having no idea where Eleanor and Jason are.
    Shawn: Bad Janet?
    Bad Janet: [appears on the side of Shawn at which he is not looking] What's up, forknuts.
    Shawn: Engage walkie-talkie protocol.
    [Bad Janet puts down her phone, opens her mouth, and emits a buzzing noise]
    Janet: [pointing to one of a series of diagrams of two people in various positions labelled "Leap Frog", "Merry Go Round", "Centipede", "Webcrawler", "Trombone", and "Triple Double"] What if you're here, and I'm like this?
    Jason: Yes. That may work.
    [Janet looks up suddenly, opens her mouth, and begins emitting a siren noise]
    Eleanor: Whoa. What is happening.
    Jason: Is she having an orgasm? Did I do it somehow?
    Shawn: [speaking into Bad Janet's mouth and being relayed through Janet] Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza. This is the almighty judge on high of all beings living and dead for all eternity. My name is Shawn.
  • The sex position cartoons are hilarious in their own right, along with the implication that it was Janet who drew them. If you pay attention, the position she specifically suggests to Jason is lying side-by-side, head-to-toe, not touching. It's the stick figures' smiley faces that really sell it.
  • "They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani to the Bad Place? [Beat] We're off the hook, this is amazing! Babe, we are going to be trying to make love all night long! [leaves with Janet, then returns briefly to grab the "Centipede" diagram]"
  • After a cut, Eleanor is packing her things back into her bag while Jason and Janet watch.
    Jason: We don't have to go back, though, they just said!
    Eleanor: We can't let Tahani and Chidi go to the Bad Place, they're our friends. [holds up "What We Owe to Each Other] We literally owe it to them.
    Jason: If they're really our "friends", then why aren't they here with us right "now"?
    Eleanor: Because we ran away! Are you - d - does your brain work? Actually? Do you have a functioning head?
  • Mindy advises Eleanor to let Chidi and Tahani be sent to the Bad Place, on the grounds that "that's their problem" and that Eleanor's problem is whether she gets tortured.
    Mindy: Now, if you'll excuse me, it's my masturbating time.
    Eleanor: [deadpan] When isn't it.
  • Jason, deciding that he can't let them leave, procures a flaming bottle from somewhere and hurls it at the train. It soars dramatically through the air in slow-motion as Eleanor screams "No!" and Janet watches cheerfully, then proceeds to bounce ineffectually off the solid metal train and extinguish itself on the ground.
    Eleanor: What are you doing, you goon!
    Jason: Trying to blow up the train! Blowing stuff up got me out of so many jams on Earth!
  • In the absence of a Janet to serve them, Michael brings Tahani and Chidi a pair of, presumably, frozen yogurts.
    Chidi: Oh, kinda like a last meal.
    Michael: Not like a last meal. Just, uh, the final food you might ever eat. [visibly realizes his mistake and leaves while hitting himself in the head]
    Tahani: Oh, I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knockoff handbag and drink tap water.
    Chidi: That's what you think Hell is?
  • Janet refuses to start the train without Jason's permission, having engaged a "Ride-or-Die Protocol".
  • "I don't wanna go to the Bad Place. It's scary, like the movie Ratatouille." "What?" "Yo, I ain't trying to have rats living in my hat and pulling my hair to get me to do stuff."
  • In response to Jason's wondering why she was how she was in life, Eleanor tells him about her parents, Doug and Donna Shellstrop.
    Teenage Eleanor: Hey dad, just a warning, mom's gonna be here in a second.
    Doug: Your mother's coming? Oh boy, hide the silverware.
    Eleanor: You mean the silverware you stole from mom?
    Doug: Yeah, but she keeps trying to steal it back!
    Donna: [running up] I drove here as fast as I could! You scored free Wrestlemania tickets?
    Eleanor: There are no tickets, mom. I knew that was the only way I could get you here.
    Doug: A-hah! Burn!
    • Eleanor presents her parents with emancipation papers to sign.
    Eleanor: All my life I've been taking care of myself and you guys. I worked two after-school jobs because you blew half my college fund bailing your boyfriend out of jail.
    Doug: So irresponsible.
    Eleanor: And you blew the other half trying to frame her boyfriend.
    Donna: It was so stupid! He was already guilty, dumbass!
  • "In preparation for your trip to the Bad Place, please put on these fedoras."


     Michael's Gambit 

  • "This is exhausting. I just want to go back to my container of goo and go to sleep."
  • "In my opinion, which is an objective fact in this case and all cases always and forever..."
  • "This is truly the saddest day of my life." [clown doors slide closed amid a burst of cheerful music ending with a crowd cheering]
  • When Tahani and Chidi offer no protest to sending Eleanor and Jason to the Bad Place, Jason points out that, per Shawn's word, all four have done bad things since coming to the Good Place.
    Jason: Let's look at this ethnically.
    Chidi: For what I hope is the last time, it is ethically.
    Jason: You guys helped me and Eleanor, right? But we're bad. So you helping us was bad. It's basic consequentialism: The morality of an action is soley judged on its consequences.
    Chidi: Great. The one time you actually remember something from class.
  • "He who smelt it murdered Janet!"
  • As the four argue:
    Tahani: And by the way, Janet is not your wife, or your soulmate. There's a Janet in every neighborhood!
    Jason: Well, I'm in love with this Janet. We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff which almost turned out to be sex. [Eleanor looks disgusted] And we were married in a legal ceremony.
    Janet: It was not legal.
  • "We tried to improve ourselves, and you know what? We did a good job. Well, I did a good job. You mostly fell asleep in class or made fart noises with your hands." "[making fart noises with hands] I could never do that on Earth. This place truly is paradise."
  • Jason having finally agreed to go to the Bad Place, he and Eleanor say their goodbyes.
    Jason: Bye Tahani. Sorry for everything. After I'm gone, you can go ahead and clean out my bud hole.
    Tahani: [emotionally] Thank you.
    Jason: [to Janet] I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.
    Janet: I will not. It is literally impossible for me to do that.
    [they hug]
    Eleanor: Well, it's been real, dog. Sorry, that's how I ended most of my serious relationships.
    Chidi: Yeah, yup, that checks out.

    Tahani: Ohhh! Goodbye forever! [hugs Eleanor] I will miss you so much!
    Eleanor: I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.
  • Real Eleanor insists on taking the place of one of the two people going to the Bad Place. Everyone is stunned.
    Eleanor: O-okay, that means... that means that... what does that mean?
    Jason: It means... I get to stay here with my wife forever! We did it, Eleanor! USA! USA! USA! [cut] USA! USA! Woo-hoo! This is so dope! I get to stay!
    Eleanor: You realize, if you stay, I still have to go, right?
    Jason: Yes. But, I get to stay!
    Eleanor: Good point, bud. Well reasoned.
  • Shawn finds Chidi's book just as incomprehensible as everyone else.
    Shawn: Wow. Chidi is a terrible writer.
  • Coffee in the Architects' office.
    Val: Which one's which? I always forget.
    Michael: Black is regular, orange is antimatter.
    [Val pours a cup from the orange pot]
  • Michael's desk has a plaque reading "You don't have to be immortal to work here ...but it sure helps!"
  • "Mh! French vanilla? Regular antimatter's fine, why flavor it?"
  • "Real Eleanor is my soulmate. Or, was my soulmate. And she's only going down there because she thinks that I don't love her." "Do you?" "I don't know. Please don't ask me that. My stomach hurts."
  • Jason reacts precisely the same way three times to the argument about who will go to the Bad Place: Shouting "Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!" and kissing Janet.
  • "Oh, that's enough out of you, robot-lover!"
    Jason: Hey! That's racist!
    Janet: Not a robot.
  • After Eleanor realizes that they are already in the Bad Place, she manages to break Michael's script so badly that Shawn briefly countermands his own previous order, then dismisses one of the neighborhood residents when they run in presumably intending to interrupt the argument.
  • Michael dropping his Good Place act is quite incongruous, starting with his giggle of frustration.
    Michael: Oh, man. Eleanor, you really suck.
    [Eleanor gasps with an expression of deep offense]
    • Then he flops down into a chair, notices a small cactus next to him, and pushes it onto the floor. His expression when he does it and gesture after, not to mention the immense pettiness of the act, make it hilarious.
  • Even in the middle of Eleanor's summation of the Bad Place setup, Tahani latches onto the least relevant detail.
    Eleanor: [...] which made Chidi seem like the perfect soulmate, and that tortured Tahani because he didn't love her!
    Tahani: You don't love me?
    Chidi: Please don't ask me that right now.
  • "Oh dip! I told you that first night that we were in a prank show!" "Oh yeah! You did! Great job, man!" [they high-five]
  • Real Eleanor bursts in to deliver a dramatic speech.
    Real Eleanor: Chidi. Don't go. I don't care if you don't love me; I love you. It's the only thing that makes any sense to me in this crazy world, and I think we should stay-
    Michael: No, stop, Vicky. They figured it out.
    Vicky: Theyyy...
    Michael: They know this is the Bad Place, Eleanor figured it out.
    [Eleanor looks smug]
    Vicky: [exchanges a look with Chidi] Ohhh, man! This was supposed to be my big moment! I just rehearsed that speech for like three hours! Dammit, Eleanor, you are the worst, and you can all suck it. [leaves, slamming the door behind her]
  • "The human afterlife can be more fun. For us, obviously, not the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies?" "[polite chuckles]"
  • Making humans torture each other has been tried before in the Bad Place, with limited success.
    Shawn: Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.
  • "Alright! So! This is a fourteen-million-point plan."
    [a large magma being walks in, carrying a briefcase]
    Magma Being: Um. Oh, sorry. I thought we reserved the conference room.
    Michael: No, Todd, we have it until three.
    Todd: Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
  • "And obviously we didn't anticipate that Janet would fall in love with Jason." "Hang on. That part is real?"
  • Jason hasn't quite understood the scale of the deeds he was told justified entry into the Good Place.
    Jason: Oh yeah. Didn't you raise like a thousand dollars for charity or whatever?
    Tahani: Uh. Sixty billion, actually, so.
  • "But wait. Why is Chidi here?"
    Chidi: Well... there's something you don't know about me.
    [Eleanor raises her eyebrows in shock and anticipation]
    Chidi: I read an article saying that growing almonds was bad for the environment, and... yet I continued to use almond milk in my coffee.
    Michael: No! Dingus. You hurt everyone in your life with your rigidity and your indecisiveness!
    Chidi: Ohhhh fork. You're right. Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything! I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone! I made everyone miserable.
    Michael: Well, if it'll make you feel any better, you were the closest to actually getting in. Up there. You weren't that close. You were just the closest.
    Chidi: That makes me feel worse, somehow.
    Michael: Good. Thank you, Chidi, I, I really needed to hear that right now.
  • Eleanor seems to be becoming increasingly unable to describe Tahani without complimenting her somehow.
    Eleanor: You saw us all on Earth: A selfish ass; an idiot DJ; a tortured academic; a hot, rich fraud with legs for days... Side note, I might legit be into Tahani. But that's... for another time.
    • Tahani's stunned expression when Eleanor says that, too.
  • Eleanor's gloating speech falls entirely flat when it serves only to inspire Michael on what to do differently the next time around.
  • The absolutely deadpan tone in which Shawn says "I feel like a real weenie."
  • Eleanor's Mind-Wiped Mid-Sentence "Facing the Bullets" One-Liner before being reset is a finger-snapping "Ya basic!"
  • The restaurants in Attempt #2 seem to have a pizza theme, featuring names such as "All the Pizza", "Perfect Temperature Pizza", "Plenty of Pizza", and "Correct Combination of Toppings" ("Pizza sale: 100% off. Ends: NEVER!"). "Hawaii 5-Dough" is also visible in the next episode.
  • When Eleanor attempts to tell Chris, her soulmate in Attempt #2, that she doesn't belong in the Good Place, he strips off his shirt to go work out, claiming that "I gotta stay jacked; it's who I am."
  • Eleanor's bafflement when Janet informs her she found a note for her in her mouth.


Example of: