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Quotes / Sophisticated as Hell

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    Anime and Manga 
Fuck, these are some fine cigars! Like, all bourgeois and shit.
Jan Valentine, Hellsing

O pitiful shadow lost in the darkness, O evil spirit born of those drifting between heaven and earth, may the thunderous power from the garments of these holy, delicate maidens strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger, shattering your loathsome impurity and returning you from whence you came!
Repent, motherfucker!

    Comic Books 
Here is Poseidon's abandoned and hideous daughter: the Cyclops of Kylos! Here is that cannibal beast which dares walk as a woman and speak as if civilized. "Who the good fuck are these whores in my home?!?" doth the Cyclops of Kylos cry out.
The Narrator, ODY-C

As my elders would say, my shame is deep. As the kids would say. Epic fail.
Katana
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    Fan Works 
Rose: John, I think it would be most beneficial if all of our words were concise and to the point.
Dave: In other words, some of us fucked up. Some of us done fucked up good.

(with a bucket shoved onto his head) No reply. Silence. God hast foresaken me. Where art the tale maki- (takes the bucket off) I dare say, what the hell?!
Shakespeare, Fate/Gamers Only

Senpai: Goodness! Your eyes sparkle like the trillions of stars in the night sky, and your face - glistening and radiant as the sun above us.
Girlfriend: Thanks!
(beat)
Senpai: Can you crush my balls?

    Film — Live-Action 
"You hear me talkin' hillbilly boy?! I ain't through with you by a damn sight! Imma get medieval on yo ass!"
Marsellus Wallace threatens the man who raped him, Pulp Fiction

Vinnie: note  Well... thank you for that. That's a real weight off me mind. Now, would you mind telling me exactly who the fuck you are? Apart from someone who feeds people to pigs, of course.
Brick Top: Do you know what "nemesis" means? "A righteous infliction of retribution, manifested by an appropriate agent". Personifed, in this case, by an 'orrible cunt. Me.

The fucker will RUE THE DAY!!
Withnail threatens what's either a rat or the mutant aberration of a teabag left too long in the sink, Withnail & I

In technical terminology... he's a loon.
Dr. Silberman, The Terminator

Faced with overwhelming odds, I am left with only one option. I'm going to have to science the shit out of this.
Mark Watney, The Martian

"I recognize the Council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it!"
Nick Fury, The Avengers (2012)

"If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit."
Doc Brown, Back to the Future

"Now, a question of etiquette – as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?"
Tyler Durden, Fight Club

"The sad news is that we will be heading for Nalic Nod with six of our co-workers in a state of permanent death. They died today, murdered by some real assholes."
Lord Crumb, Bad Taste

"Okay, I want you to walk back in there and very calmly, very politely tell the risk-assessors to fuck off!"
Mark Baum, The Big Short

    Literature 
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.

They require that when a personage talks like an illustrated, gilt-edged, tree-calf, hand-tooled, seven-dollar Friendship's Offering in the beginning of a paragraph, he shall not talk like a negro minstrel in the end of it. But this rule is flung down and danced upon in the Deerslayer tale.

We remain convinced that this is the best defensive posture to adopt in order to minimize casualties when the Great Old Ones return from beyond the stars to eat our brains.

"There are inexorable processes at work here, Maggie. Come hell or high water, you still have to eat and pee."
Sun in Flight Volume 3: Butterflies

In my day, we would say that revenge is sweet. But times have changed. How do you say? Payback is a bitch.
Liver Spots, The Dresden Files: Dead Beat

Even though I was in a fix, hearing a fair teenaged maiden utter the word "fart" felt wrong to me.
Koyomi Araragi, on Hitagi Senjougahara, Bakemonogatari

Wax: Your grasp of the language is startling, considering how you so frequently brutalize it.
Wayne: Ain't nobody what knows the cow better than the butcher, Wax.

Wednesday: As you yourself so wisely pointed out, he's old, and the killing stroke might merely leave you, well, paralyzed for life, say. A hopeless invalid. So you have much to look forward to, should Mister Czernobog survive the coming difficulties.
Shadow: And there is some question about this?
Wednesday: Fuck yes.

    Live-Action TV 
Marcus: I'm trying to have a poignant with our departed father, turd-face.
Marshall: Well I'm trying to feel Dad's spirit flow through my soul, butt-breath!
Marcus: I'm reaching out to the beyond to touch Dad's inner light, ass-clown!
Marshall: I hear Dad's voice like an ethereal song guiding me towards salvation, douche-nozzle!

Dreaming when dawn's left hand was in the sky
I heard a voice within the tavern cry,
"Awake, my little ones, and fill the cup
Before life's liquor in its cup be dry
(beat) Now, fuck off.
James May, Oz and James's Big Wine Adventure

It's totally Kafkaesque, yo.
Jesse Pinkman, Breaking Bad

Brother Mouzone: I'm here to represent the interests of a Mr. Barksdale. Are you familiar with Mr. Barksdale?
Cheese: Yeah, that name ring out, but so do mine.
Brother Mouzone: And you are?
Cheese: Cheese, man!
Brother Mouzone: "Mr. Cheese." I see. And who do you work for, Mr. Cheese?
Cheese: Who I work for?
Brother Mouzone: Am I correct in assuming that you are not employed by Mr. Barksdale?
Cheese: Hell yeah!
Brother Mouzone: Because if that is the case, then I have to insist that you leave.
Cheese: (to one of his henchmen) This nigga serious?
Brother Mouzone: Let me be emphatic: You need to take your black ass across Charles Street where it belongs.
The Wire, "Storm Warnings"

Tom Haverford: The Word 'Bistro' is classy as shit!
Parks and Recreation, "Woman of the Year."

Professor: Ms. Foster, I can describe your paper using one very big word, and one very small word: supercilious crap.
Dana: Crap?!
Professor: Wonderful word, "crap". It's short, to the point, and unmistakable in its identity.

Gaskell: And now, my good wife, while I rest, read to me from Shakespeare's "Gay Boys in Bondage".

DEA agent Shrader: So, study the face, study the file, get a big, ragin hard-on at the thought of catching this bastard... Apologies to the H.R. department... get tumescent with anticipation.

    Music 
Overwhelmed as one would be
Placed in my position
Such a heavy burden now to be the one
Born to bear and bring to all
The details of our ending
To write it down for all the world to see.
But I forgot my pen,
Shit the bed again
Typical.
— "Rosetta Stoned", tool
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    Stand-Up Comedy 
Hitler was a mass-murdering fuckhead, as many important historians have said.

Well, Mr McBumfurtey, I've given you every possible examination, I've thumbed through every one of these copious volumes, and given you an electrocardiograph test. I've come to the conclusion that, in the words of the great Hippocrates himself, your heart's fucked.
Billy Connolly, Was It Something I Said?

Stephen Colbert, President of [Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow], has asked that I quote him as saying, 'Yeah! How you like me now, F.E.C? I'm rolling seven digits deep! I got 99 problems but a non-connected independent-expenditure only committee ain't one!' I would like it noted for the record that I advised Mr. Colbert against including that quote.
Shauna Pol on Stephen Colbert's Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow Super PAC

    Video Games 

Thou art toast!

I swear by the name of Dumuzid, the Shepherd, consort of Ishtar... your ass is mine, punk!
Thomas "Boss" Mutton, Catherine

O architect of my excellence! (Thanks for the bump, buddy.)
Odin, Fire Emblem Heroes, after learning a new skill

Ah, a new fair maiden has come in search of true love! A serenade between gentlemen shall decide where her beautiful heart shall reside.
(Later, after losing)
Not bad for an ugly worm. But this time I'll rip your nuts off right after your girlfriend finishes gargling mine.
The Senpai, Friday Night Funkin'

Commander Shepard: Sorry. If you were human, you'd both be called the mother, regardless of which gave birth.
Matriarch Aethyta: Well I'm not human, am I? Anthropocentric bag of dicks.
Mass Effect 3: Shepard speaks to Liara's "father"

Veni, vidi, vici! Like a fuckin' Roman Emperor, I stand unscathed as the dust settles once more!
Senator Henry Cicero, The Secret World

Did you know that, legally speaking, my word is the same as Tunon's word unless the Archon contradicts my word as Fatebinder? Rhogalus says the legal term for that is Proxy Decisis. Calio says the legal term is "fuck you, I'm the law".
The Fatebinder, Tyranny

    Visual Novels 

I believe the proper phrase here is, 'you fail.'
Miles Edgeworth, Ace Attorney Investigations

He made a pathetic attempt at trying to impersonate you in a letter. Against my better temperament, I sent him a reply to go to Hell.
Devere, Dear Devere

My femininity is hella boss!
Princess Sonia Nevermind, Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair

    Webcomics 

Woman: The Cabernet is piquant as shit this year.
xkcd

'Fucking ineffable' sounds like someone remembering how to do self-censorship halfway through a phrase.
xkcd again (Alt Text of the same comic)

I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is 'Sneak Attack, bitch'.

Who-wha? But that's dumb! Nobody wants you to be me! I'm already me! And you're you! An' it's like totally mete that you should remain you! I pinky-swear that everybody here'd treat the integrity of your self-identity as superdy-duper, profoundly inviolable and stuff and junk! Word!! Do you savvy?

Ladies, gents, it's been a pleasure. Also, go fuck your respective selves.

In case the actual Japanese person here is unaware of this, refusal to forgive in the Japanese sense is basically a solemn, irrevocable vow to murder the shit out of someone.
Luigifan explaining what "This Is Unforgivable!" would mean "in the Japanese sense" after Miriam Calibur says it in response to her mother being attacked during the "Scaredy fox training" roleplay of White Dark Life

Text links at the top of the page give you a few more options. You can upload your own collections, add to favourites for later and access a page full of torrent downloads of Hentai toon porn.
— A review of a porn site (link NSFW)

Legate Zippobic: The space police flyeth in pursuit of the outlaw vessel e'en now! Therefore chillaxeth thou, and let them do their jobs!
Hibachi of Mesquite: Chillaxation must elude me whilst my dear one is in jeopardy! Hast thou ne'er known love?

"Please allow me to express my heartfelt exasperation at this almost entirely self-imposed mass suicide attempt by prefacing my blame attribution with the request for the identity of the person who gave Han a bloody blaster."
Ben/Chewbacca, Darths & Droids

Max: Aunt Izzy said you're cursed. You don't have curses, do you Min?
Min: Heavens no. Cursing and foul language are a crutch for those of simple wit and dull tongues.
Max: You got an awful lot of mouth for someone without one.
Min: Fuck off, kid.
Ennui GO! #155

    Web Original 

Give her the dick.
Rene Descartes, Memetic Mutation

He had the worst feeling that his body was going to betray him again. "Hey, you're preggers with an assbaby. I think your body just pulled a Brutus on you and is busily stabbing you in the back during the Ides of March.
Malganis, sporking The Hidden Child

...and the destruction of their most sanctified of cities left them unfathomably butthurt...
John Morke, talking about Exalted in a Kickstarter video

<KevM> quit the farcical shenanigans you duncical misrepresentation of a homo sapien
<andycode> I find your misanthropic antics most ironic in their malevolent disposition.
<andycode> Moreover, the mere implications of your pathetic facade is illigitimate in its duplicitious atrocity.
<KevM> your virulent discourse is quite misguided in it's underhanded attempts to slight me
<Khross> And you're fat.

In Japan they have an ancient saying: 'The most beautiful flowers grow only in the shit of Godzilla.'

Teacher: Okay, this line means ‘you are like the finest silk and spices.’ How would you interpret that, as teenagers?
Student: The booty is real.
Not Always Learning note 

"Very well," I said, eager to undertake the orders of the Most High. "Shall I appear to the humans as a diaphanous being of pure light a hundred miles tall? Or shall I form myself as an everchanging flock of white birds, stretched across all the skies of the world and communicating my purpose in a series of flock-formed images that will live eternally in the hearts of man for its impossible beauty, which is itself a testament to the eternal power and love of the Lord?"
"We were thinking email, actually," suggested Sandalphon. "And don't sign your name or anything."
— Commenter Shmaults, here

Once upon a time, the ancient Greeks practiced an art form which combined lines of rhythmic poetry with musical accompaniment. These performers alternated between repeating chorus-like formulae and freestyled verses that told stories about wine, booty, fly ladies, stacks of treasure, macho violence, and ostentatious modes of transportation.
Tha Illiad of MC Homer, James Hodes

"Kakos Industries would like to sincerely remind you not to fuck with us."
Corin Deeth III, Kakos Industries

[He's] off limits, I’m afraid. The Queen of Air and Darkness has taken him as her Knight, and I doubt she’d be pleased with his slaughter so soon after rescuing him from the jaws of Death.
Besides, I’d miss staring at his cute butt.
Fanfiction roleplay between bloggers (link contains spoilers for The Dresden Files)

The narrator that began the game was a king from a neighboring country of questionable allegiance; the narrator that ends the game is Vaan’s childhood friend, Penelo, speaking of dreams fulfilled. What keeps us playing, then, is not the story of the boy who wants to fly or the man who thirsts for honor, nor is it the princess or the sky pirate or the bunny lady (although the bunny lady is dope).

''Although the High Ones didn’t seem to have a reptilian agenda, much like the modern day story of this creation tale we have grown so used to (via the god blessed internet conspirators) none the less, they recapitulate my favorite story — that there is no new tale to tell.
(plus there is lots of elf sex romancey scenes).''

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    Web Video 

Thou dost find a fuckton of spears!

The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from William Shakespeare: "Fuck it!"
The Angry Video Game Nerd when referring to the awfully inaccurate Godzilla Game Boy adaptation

The amount of PlayStation consoles may seem superfluous, but you'd be astonished at how many times I've had to cleanse my dwelling of begrimed and impure consoles tainted by shitty games.

I'm gonna eviscerate you and use your gastrointestinal tract as a condom while I fornicate with your skull!
Son Gohan, Dragon Ball Z Abridged

You clever dick!

Narrator: How'd it turn out?
Heavy Weapons Guy: Stoopid!
Narrator: That's impossible. A mixture of ingredients do not own the proper attributes to be mentally impaired, dumb ass.
Moments With Heavy - French Toast

By all the grace of humanity! FUCKING DIE!!!

Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your god. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand, or, or some shit.
Yeshua, Satellite City

You are the fucking winter of my discontent, you son of a bitch.

"A moment's break from your gaze is an eternity past! So together we shall both put these bitches on blast."
Juliet, Epic Rap Battles of History: "Romeo and Juliet vs. Bonnie and Clyde"

"This idea of society without balance is central to the philosophy of French sociologist Jean Baudrillard. In the Transparency of Evil he argues the kind of moral progress Batman seeks would be impossible. Because even as he seeks to uphold justice by making criminals his bitch, he creates more extreme forms of order for criminals to subvert."
The Philosophy of the Joker ~ Wisecrack Edition

"Let's just say I...[reading from thesaurus] as diplomatically as possible...think that this statement is a crock a' sh-"
LS Mark, Sonic is Missing

    Western Animation 

Hello? Fiddleford Computermajigs. You say you're trying to build a trans-universal polydimensional metavortex? Well, that's mathematically feasible! I reckon. *spits*
Fiddleford McGucket, Gravity Falls

Dean Venture: It's in Sanskrit, but it's a dialect I'm not familiar with... The prepositions are all screwy and stuff.

Homer's Brain: Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation!
Homer: Holy macaroni!

"To wit, I have found nothing wrong with this remote place, and I must admit it will be with some melancholy that I will leave this island and return home. I saw this chick in a bikini on the beach too. She had the nicest boobs ever."
Kenny McCormick's internal monologue, South Park

    Real Life 

Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.
Roger Ebert, responding to Rob Schneider

"I am not a music critic, nor historian nor archivist. I cannot tell you where Bruce Springsteen falls in the pantheon of the American songbook. I cannot illuminate the context of his work, or its roots in the folk and oral history traditions of our great nation. But I am from New Jersey! And so I can tell you what I believe, and what I believe is this...I believe that Bob Dylan and James Brown had a baby!"
Jon Stewart speaking in honor of Bruce Springsteen at the 2009 Kennedy Center Honors

"We note that Mr. Arkell's attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off."
Private Eye, responding to lawyers for James Arkell

"Gentlemen! This is democrrracy manifest! Have a look at the headlock here. See the chap over here he - KEEP YOUR HAND OFF MY PENIS!!! - This is the bloke who got me on the penis, people!"
Paul Charles Dozsa upon being arrested.

"He says 'motherfucker' is a duplication of the word 'fuck', technically, because 'fuck' is the root form, 'motherfucker' being derivative; therefore, it constitutes duplication. And I said, 'Hey, motherfucker, how did you get my phone number, anyway?'"
George Carlin, on whether the word "Motherfucker" belongs on his Seven Dirty Words list


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