Phoenix Wright Justice: Ace Attorney: If you're a defense lawyer, you can totally steal random crap from the scene of a crime and use it not only to prove that your client is innocent, but that the witnesses, police, or even the prosecution are guilty. Usually, no one will complain about your blatant violations of evidence law.
There are no honest prosecutors, only people who are driven by insanity or tragic pasts to knowingly and willingly convict innocent people.
There is no such thing as a level-headed woman. If a female is rational, aloof, composed or duty-driven, it's always a facade. I mean, women who aren't overemotional? Come on!
Except for Mia Fey, Sister Bikini, Maggey Byrde, Kay Faraday, Lisa Basil, Misty Fey...
To be fair, it IS Ace Attorney we're talking about here. 99% of the cast's got some crazy.
If an unknown suspect shoveled snow, that proves that the suspect is a man, because women are incapable of doing physical work like that. I mean, a shovel could have a mass of up to 3 kilograms (7 pounds); that's way too much for a woman to lift.
Perfectionists are eeeeeeevil.
Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney: The best kind of court system is one in which you don't need concrete evidence to find a person guilty.
OBJECTION!! (point): This is clearly a contradiction! The final case shows that the best kind of court system is one which you don't need concrete evidence to find a person innocent! Considering that that is the basis of "reasonable doubt", this is hardly warped at all!
HOLD IT! (desk slam): You've forgotten the most important part! The best kind of court system is one in the hands of a senile old judge, with the assistance of a scruffy hobo who's a proven fraud!
Not to mention, defense attorneys are easily manipulated by their rivals and mentors, and do nothing, while the prosecutors get fangirls and rock bands. Oh, and the criminals get better jail cells than your entire office. Even the total psychos.
Forgery, even forgery that ruins multiple people's lives, is okay so long as you're too naive to know what you're doing is wrong. If you're a broke artist, feel free to manipulate your talented, agoraphobe daughter. Don't trust the nice guy who gives you a good luck charm to help you break free of your crippling fear of outside; he's evil and has a creepy scar. Feel free to leave your seven-year-old daughter with a defense attorney you don't know and who's probably going to be out of work soon, it's not like you could trust him with the one piece of information guaranteed to get you out of this mess. Obsessing over one case for seven years is just fine, your adopted daughter can be the breadwinner. And these are all from ONE case.
Don't trust men with pretty hands or men with ugly hands, especially not if the same guy qualifies as both depending on whether he's pushing on his glasses.
Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Justice For All: If you're a prosecutor, it's okay to repeatedly whip the defense, witnesses, and even Your Honor. Come on! See that defense attorney who just defeated you? Whip him until you knock him out—only the defense can ever be held in contempt of court!
An even better thing to do is to throw coffee mugs full of coffee at the defense, because that is reasonable.
HOLD IT! (desk slam): Only the Defense can be disbarred for presenting false evidence! If you're the Prosecutor all that matters is getting a conviction, so the ends justify the means. So go ahead and fabricate, hide or outright destroy evidence if it'll help your case.
Aside from cause and time of death, forensic evidence should be ignored entirely. All fingerprints are either planted or wiped. All final clues from the victims are forgeries. All items belonging to the defendant were easily stolen and used. The truth can only be reached from the initial assumption that the defendant is innocent.
Never give anyone else a motive to kill you. They'll probably try. And in the best case scenario, justifiable self-defense is still a crime and your life will be ruined anyway. Then again, you can always make a friend in local law enforcement to ensure that he'll show up in the nick of time to stop you from ever needing to follow through with either outcome.
The best deposition comes from ghosts.
If a gang member mortally wounds the son of a rival crime family, it will lead to said rival family deciding to leave crime (thus eliminating the competition) rather than seeking revenge and escalating the gang warfare. Killing rival gang leaders' family members won't put you in the rival gang's crosshairs or in prison, it will lead to peace and prosperity for your gang!
If someone is a mob boss's son, it's safe to prosecute him, but if someone is a mob boss's granddaughter, it's not worth it to even consider prosecuting her when she's clearly an accomplice to murder.
Perjury is, in fact, NOT a criminal offence and it's totally fine to take the witness stand again if you've been known to give fraudulent testimonies.
If a teenager or young adult is kidnapped, you should immediately start to suspect that either the victim is a murderer, or the people trying to save them are protecting a murderer.
The police are so incompetent at crime scene investigation that biased untrained lawyers and their child companions can do a better job. This is true even if they grab important evidence without worrying about whether they get their prints on it or that the culprits might steal this evidence from the unarmed "investigators."
If the defendant is innocent, it will pretty much always be possible to get the real culprit onto the stand and have them give a confession or near-confession once enough evidence against them is gathered.
If people a man loved were murdered, he'll become a brooding and mysterious Anti-Hero or Anti-Villain, but if a girl has someone she loves murdered, she'll be a super-energetic, bubbly companion who will receive massive compliments on how brave she is while she briefly cries, but then become a cheerful inspiration.
If someone asks you to defend someone else they know, pay close attention to the suspect. If he or she is loudly declaring his or her guilt, then their innocence is assured and you can safely accept the case. If they say they didn't do it, though, they're guilty as hell.
As a corollary, any public admission of guilt that isn't made on the witness stand is proof of innocence.
Burglaring the office of the chief of police and publicly admitting to it will not carry any legal consequences as long as you win with whatever you found there.
Rape never happens, and theft is rare. Just murder.
The Warchiefs: The Red Man can have them too if tribe his powerful enough.
The Asian Dynasties: Same goes for non-mainstream religious sects.
Albion: People who look different from you and live in an exotic place all have only a single culture, are primitive and have little impact on things, which is the reason colonists from the same place you came from who look like you have almost entirely replaced them where they were aboriginal.
This sounds more like the intended aesop of the games.
Don't bother doing the right thing because you're probably being brainwashed into thinking it's "right".
Don't bother envisioning an alternate political or philosophical system because it will likely suck and not work.
BlazBlue: If you love someone, then joining a tyrannical organization who stores two Complete Monster while abandoning other people that loved you and you love them back and possibly murdering them for the sake of saving that loved one is a completely acceptable action you should do ASAP! In the name of love!
Breath of Fire II: It is better to kill yourself and allow the Omnicidal Maniac to destroy existence as a result than to kill a friend.
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night: Peace is boring. Why have the Big Bad come back only once a century when you can bring him back again to have some more fun?
Castlevania 2: Free free to resurrect a demon from Hell if it might solve minor personal medical issues.
The 3D games and Portrait of Ruin: Battles to the death are just that. Don't bother trying to spare the other guy's life after you beat him down. The reaper's coming for him anyway.
Order of Ecclesia: Anything worth accomplishing in life, whether good or evil, can only be achieved by killing yourself. Consider killing yourself so that better people don't have to.
Civilization: All civilians are nothing more than tools to be used by their political leaders for the purpose of conquering and subjegating all foreign powers, or at the very least achieving world domination. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an enemy agent trying to incite rebellion in you and your civic neighbors and needs to be executed immediately.
Genocide is okay if it helps you take over the world. Mandantory deaths of half a city's population upon its capture, excusable. Razing the entire city and replacing it with a settlement of your people, strategically advantagous.
Becoming extremely rich, exploring other planets, or haing lots if pretty buildings will cause you to rule the world, even if half your civilization has been overrun and twenty tanks are right outside your capital.
Speaking of pretty buildings, in Civ V they are the only way to enact social policies. Any civilization without them must be an anarchy.
Dead or Alive: All women have large tits that defy physics, and all of them have no qualms about beating you senseless.
Inviting these violent women to a secluded island with a volleyball net will cause them to forget everything about fighting and break out the Les Yay.
Ninjas might have katanas that can slice through helicopters or magic that can destroy an entire skyscraper, but they are too honorable to use those things if you challenge them to a one-on-one battle.
Remember folks the Dead or Alive series is the only Fighting Game series to ever be guilty of having the majority of the female cast be a Ms. Fanservice most Fighting Game series' would never use their female characters for Fetish Fuel on a fairly regular basis.
Invisible War: Loyalty and commitment are for wussies. You can swap sides in a conflict at a whim - everybody will welcome an inveterate turncoat with open arms even they are among the long list of people you've already betrayed.
Leaving humanity alone and allowing it to progress naturally and sort its shit out is not by all means a valid option - no, if you want to save the world (not that anybody asked you to), you have to interfere with the natural course of things as much as possible.
If it turns out that the Information Age took away our freedom and privacy, the only way to fix that is to plunge the world right back into dark ages and try again.
Where you will be forced to work 20 hour workdays, with no days off (ever), for abysmally low pay. All for a boss who will kill you whenever it's mildly convenient/amusing. Also, you will invariably be killed off by about day three when you talk about Demon LordEtna just a little too loudly.
If you kill yourself to stop you own machines, which would have been easy enough if you just put on an off switch on them you can still get into heaven... providing your willing to do hours of humilitating community service in a green penguin suit and be laughed at by your companions.
You can only persuade your ideological opponents with bribes or with force. More often than not, the latter.
Throwing people is fun. Especially if they're your allies.
Polluting the environment is a good thing since it keeps demonic forces from taking interest in your planet.
Donkey Kong Country Returns: The good guys are Donkey Kong and Cranky Kong, gorillas, Diddy Kong, a chimp, and Squawks, a parrot. The hypnotized animals are an elephant, a giraffe, a zebra, hippos, and a squirrel. These are all animals native to Africa. The Tikis, on the other hand, originate from Polynesia. Therefore, Africans are either apes or poor victims of exploitation incapable of fending for themselves, while Polynesians are resource-stealing savages that come from the deepest pits of hell (hence, the Volcano) to bring havoc across the face of the earth.
.hack//G.U.: Kids, never look for a legendary-rumoured item while playing a MMORPG - doing so will lead your or one of your friends to be trapped in the game forever, and unleash a menace that threatens to destroy the WORLD!!!
Dragon Age: Origins: Never try to do anything good or altruistic. At the least, you'll simply screw yourself out of some cash or other goods that you could use. At the worst, you screw over a whole lot of people down the line.
Never do anything selfish or egotistical, it just opens up slightly cheekier dialog options and prematurely ends story arcs, with much the same results.
If a friend of yours happens to have royal blood, and no desire to rule, you must not only pressure them to become king, but "harden" them, because cynicism abruptly brings maturity that training recruits and fighting darkspawn will not.
Dragon Age 2: Attempting to compromise is pointless. Only extremists can accomplish anything. Also, the best person to judge the fate of a mass murderer is someone who is known for being their associate, friend, or lover, and expecting them to fairly mete out justice is not misguided or cruel in any way.
The best people to watch over potentially dangerous people are those from an order institutionally prejudiced against said group. Their methods are always justified because if you treat said people humanely, they will betray you every time.
Duke Nukem Grossly objectifying women is just fine, so long as you commit xenocide.
Dwarf Fortress: If a neighboring country asks you to take it easy with the deforestation, it's your imperative to raze them all, and when those foreigners object, hack them up for good measure. Shave the Earth!
Earthworm Jim: Is some guy holding your hundreds of brothers and sisters hostage? Just throw a bomb!
Eternal Darkness: Evil demigods can only be defeated through the power of other evil demigods. So, if you're afraid of going to Hell and being tormented by Satan, you don't want Jesus. Start worshipping Nyarlathotep.
Eversion: If you don't change the world, you'll be stuck where you are forever. If you do change the world, you'll make it Hell.
Some might argue this is accurate.
Your world is a lie and in reality far more horrible than you can imagine. But don't try finding out, because you'll turn out just as horrible too.
Exit Fate: You're just an Unwitting Pawn of your parent(s), who decided to live vicariously through you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Fable II: It's quite alright to destroy the lives of five people, one of which is your own niece/nephew who will spend 10 years alone in a black magic tower, one who will end up abandoning her faith and losing her father, one who will become insane and want to reshape the world, one who will be endlessly stalked by the former and one who will become immortal and suffer a life of loneliness just so long as you get some nice real estate with a view.
Fallout: You can balance out killing and enslaving good people, by killing and enslaving bad people.
The world will ultimately be destroyed by Chinese Communism.
Stealing, even from evil people, is bad. However murdering evil people, cutting off their fingers, and then selling them is not just okay, it is the right thing to do. This even applies if they did not shoot first.
Fallout 3: enslaving people who rape, kill and dismember for fun is just wrong. Beating them to death with a sledgehammer is okay though.
It's more than perfectly acceptable to send a scared 19-year-old kid who just left his vault looking for his/her dad into the worst part of DC where super mutants are in abundance to repair the GNR radio all just so he/she can know where his/her dad went.
If your most hated person (who happens to be a doctor) just left the vault, it's more than perfectly reasonable to have the only other doctor in the vault beaten to death, plunge the entire vault into mayhem, threaten your own child, have anyone caught outside their bedroom shot on sight. All so you can locate the doctor's kid.
Leaving people's minds enslaved in a virtual reality is evil. Terminating them all before leaving their former warden in the same prison should cleanse your conscience.
Most any Final Fantasy game: Effeminate men are Omnicidal Maniacs and should be killed on sight before they can commit further atrocities.
In more recent games, that would involve killing the majority of the male population, including the entire male cast.
Final Fantasy Crystal Bearers: Stealing from old women and/or knocking them down right in front of law enforcement won't result in anything worse than the law enforcement knocking you down without injuring or arresting you or the old women trying to steal some of your money in retaliation. Throwing old people across the room and knocking them onto their backs on a stone floor will not cause any bone damage. If you shake down a girl so that you can steal the many coins fall out of her pockets, she won't even mention it when thanking you for retreiving her pet.
Members of a race whose members are currently employed mainly in agriculture will always be poor no matter what.
Final Fantasy I: Go to Japan androgynous and you come back to America a girl. Even if you were male before.
Final Fantasy II: The plot will still go on without you, so it doesn't matter if you die.
Final Fantasy VI: It's good to be the Bad. Even if you will eventually die a horrible, painful death, at least you will enjoy your job. Heroes do not enjoy their jobs. You'll spend half your time in misery attempting to sort out your personal problems which are apparently more important than the destruction of the world (This applies to almost any Final Fantasy, really).
On a smaller scale: chemically preserving, obsessing over, and devoting your life to resurrecting your dead girlfriend is A-OK!
If you are a woman, don't try to do anything by yourself. Ever. It alwaysendshorribly.
Final Fantasy VII: If the evil exploiting corporation has a plan for saving the entire world from disaster that has even a faint chance of succeeding, you should sabotage that plan to comply with the last wishes of some dead hippie instead.
Eco-terrorists are the good guys, even when their actions result in the death of innocents.
Using the very limited amount of lifeblood of the world not only causes pollution, it literally kills the planet, which is a living thing. We'll stick to coal, oil, and natural gas instead, as a long-term alternative.
Hey kids! Terrorism is great, especially against a power company that is destroying our environment! (Bonus Points if said terrorism cuts the power to an entire city making people freeze to death, preventing Police from being dispatched, and Firemen from being able to put out fires that would otherwise burn down an entire city and killing thousands.)
Don't be silly. The people of that city weren't innocent, because anyone who isn't a terrorist is supporting the evil empire in spirit!
To be powerful, respected and desired by everyone around you, assimilate the personality and memories of someone you admire. Even if you find out the truth and it leaves you crazy, you'll still keep your levels, Limit Breaks and sword.
Don't bother educating or training girls, since when they die all that work will be for naught.
If bullies call you names and throw snowballs at you, turning them into mindless zombies is a perfectly healthy response. Also, reacting to your feelings of helplessness and low self-esteem by making everyone in the world participate in gladiatorial fights governed by arbitrary rules with jail sentences as a penalty for disobedience is a-okay!
Final Fantasy VIII: Never Be Yourself. If some girl you just met starts nagging you to be more like her ex-boyfriend, you should go ahead and be more like her ex-boyfriend.
Also, if you run into a problem (such as being psychically warped back into your unknown father's mind, whatever you do don't think about it.
Final Fantasy X: Everyone who is religious is either an evil hypocrite or an idiot who follows evil hypocrites blindly. The best way to deal with problems is with conventional violence instead of a spiritual solution.
Destroying the civilization you grew up in, along with every single person you've ever known, and effectively committing suicide, for the sake of a girl you met a month ago, is A-OK and the heroic way of doing things.
Final Fantasy XIII: Attempted murder is the best way to solve your emotional problems.
Hot Blooded idealists deserve to be punched in the face occasionally.
If you've been forced into doing something you don't want to, don't do it straight away and dick around trying to find a way out of it in the meantime.
Don't worry if you've smacked up your sister's fiancé and emotionally abused your sister out of resentment, everything will all work out in the end after you endure the Despair Event Horizon, gain a magical pony and eventually take down the government.
Final Fantasy XIII-2: If something goes well for you in a seemingly bleak situation, then congratulations! You've just doomed the entirety of time and space.
Final Fight: If your fiance and master get kidnapped, eh just let your fiance's sister, an old friend of yours and some boarder he hangs around with rescue them for you, in case if anyone asks why you did nothing about it just tell them that you were out training they'll understand.
Oh yes and if you're traveling about trying to redeem your old buddy who just got out of jail feel free to ignore your fiance and have an awfully close fellowship with a exotic (and incredibly well endowed) young woman.
Fire Emblem: The Genealogy Of The Holy War: Only a woman with cursed blood will ruin the world if she has children. A man with the same cursed blood won't do the same by fathering any. According to the village gossip, that is.
Technically, for the generation in question the only remaining person with the cursed bloodline was that one woman (Cigyn). If the same message was applied to Deirdre at some point, it's likely that the speaker assumed that Deirdre was Cigyn's only child. The man's heritage was not really a matter of public record, especially in that part of the world.
Gitaroo Man: You are a complete failure at life unless you happen to be a legendary hero. You can also be a two-timer just because the other girl is from another planet and looks like your crush. And punching the smug bastard who she's with means that you're a real man.
Gradius: A word to any evil alien races out there - when designing your battleships, their cores should be protected by several easy-to-destroy gates and nothing more.
Grand Theft Auto: Kill 'Em All. No, really. Anyone who doesn't have it coming will respawn if the paramedics don't save them.
H to M
The Harvest Moon series: The surest way to get people to be your friend is bribery. True Love takes The Same But More.
Everyone you know is a complete ingrate who will complain and lower their opinion of you if you give them a gift they happen to dislike.
The most heinous crimes known to man are littering and cruelty to animals.
The House of the Dead: Researching how to reanimate the dead is alright if it'll save your son.
Iji: Killing is wrong! But if you have someone else kill the guy you need dead or just drive them to suicide, you're all cool.
Killing the aliens who blasted your home planet into an uninhabitable ball of rock and are waging a campaign of genocide against your species, and, oh yeah, want to kill you too? That's bad, and you're a bad person if you do it. Oh, and you're a crazy person, too.
inFamous 2: Humans Are Special so when given the chance to maybe save them of a disease by killing untold millions around the world including yourself, accept it otherwise you're an evil and selfish jerk.
Alternatively go ahead and destroy society and even more untold millions, it's not like every Differently Powered Individual, including yourself, is an unhinged mass-murdering jerk, social Darwinism works great!
The Universe is inherently unfair and will kill you at any chance it gets.
That's right. Everything's out to get you. You're not safe, no matter where you go. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A REPRIEVE FROM A UNIVERSE THAT SEEKS NOTHING BUT YOUR DEATH. G'night, Billy!
Jade Empire: Training awesome martial arts skills while professing a belief in peace and harmony, before brutally decapitating soldiers who are only fighting you because it's their job, is absolutely fine and not at all hypocritical.
Jak and Daxter: Men should study the fundamental forces of the universe, women should go out of their way to wear the most Stripperific costume they can find.
Jak II: Attempting to open new routes to explore will only result in a horde of scuttling bug monsters destroying most of civilisation.
Jak III: It's OK if you've spent the entirety of history pretending to be all-powerful energy beings as long as you're willing to fire a planetary defense grid at a target that would gleefully have killed you as well if it arrived.
It's okay to reject help from your friends and then change your mind five minutes later! They won't chew you out on it at all!
Jak X: no matter how anyone else on your team does, if you personally don't do so well you'll all still lose, even if that rather explicitly isn't part of the rules. By extension, your teammates are parasites who don't do shit to help out, yet bask in your reflected glory all the way to the grand final.
The Lost Frontier: You should feel free to go from helping out the apparently noble civilization to joining forces with a pirate who tried to kill you not three days ago, just because your girlfriend says you should.
Kana Little Sister: Never ever have a girlfriend or your sister, who is long beyond her life expectancy, will die a painful death.
Katamari Damacy: Every time your dad screws up, you have to fix things for him.
By rolling up every human, animal, and structure on Earth (including entire countries) and turning them into stars. But don't worry, it's not like stars are actually blazing hot masses of energy that will effectively incinerate anything on the surface of the Katamari during transformation...
God will send his only son to crush you and your entire town to fix the mess that he himself caused. And if he's not satisfied? Oh well! He'll just vaporize you into stardust!
We Love Katamari: It's totally acceptable for you to ask space aliens to destroy entire cities and even entire planets just to give you something to look at in the sky.
Katawa Shoujo: True beauty is on the inside. And on whatever's left of the outside, too. After all, even the blind girl knows how important it is to look your best!
Kingdom Hearts: Kids, if you're ever unwillingly taken away from your world and invited by a duck and a dog thing to have multidimensional adventures risking your own safety, don't even THINK about trying to contact your parents. They're not worried.
If you encounter someone who looks and acts exactly like a human but somehow isn't human - such as if they're supposedly incapable of feeling emotion - it's perfectly appropriate and even heroic to kill him/her in cold blood, whether they've done anything bad or not.
Alternatively: Kids, if people destroy worlds and try to kill you countless times, manipulate you and steal the hearts of millions, and you make the sensible descision of trying to stop them, why you're a cold blooded monster! Sure, they were acting purely out of self interest, with no regard for the countless lives that would be lost, but they were sexy, you fiend!
On the other hand, any human is worthy of forgiveness as long as they're a brooding, androgynously beautiful teenage boy, never mind that he unleashed an endless wave of The Heartless across multiple worlds and put the entire universe in peril basically so he could go on a joyride.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with enlisting a band of foreign adventurers to destabilize a small African nation.
Stalking a 15 year old boy is ok if you're Bishonen, and will earn you fangirls who will write about your loving relationship
Evil is an efficient method of transportation.
Spliting yourself apart is a good way to get superpowers even if it slightly taxes your humanity.
King's Quest VI: When dealing with a murderer, don't do things half-assed. Don't simply rush in, stop his plans and save everyone else. To be a true hero, you have to bring his victims back from the dead, too!
And as in all King's Quest games, it's okay to steal if you're royalty!
Knights of the Old Republic: Mind Rape is all or nothing - either install a completely new mind from scratch or don't do it at all; never fuck about with the minor stuff such as landing fees. (Unless you bring Jolee Bindo with you.)
Knights of the Old Republic II: Everything you've ever done has only caused other people to suffer. No exceptions. Also: I'm right and you're wrong. No exceptions.
HK-47: The best way to ensure you're awesome is to kill people meatbags and gloat about it entertainingly.
The Handmaiden: Killing and hurting people is the clearest and truest form of communication any sentient species has ever come up with.
The Legend of Zelda: It's okay to take bribes from enemy monsters not to tell where they are, but duly appointed (albeit brainwashed) guardians of the royal family must be killed for standing in your way!
Ocarina of Time: A king should immediately cease contacts with an allied race because his ten year old daughter thinks their leader looks evil. It's also completely unreasonable for him not to believe her, when she says that some vague dream about clouds is a prophecy about how evil that allied leader is.
Majora's Mask: Do you want to be treated like an adult? Carry a lethal weapon at all times.
Impersonating people's loved ones is a perfectly acceptable way to help solve their immediate problems. You also shouldn't worry about the effect your sudden absence will have on them once you return to your own country, even if they thought you were their boyfriend or the leader of the tribe.
Even if you change shape right in front of people, no one will ever realize you're the same person.
Twilight Princess: People should respect your honorable qualities and fear your darker qualities. But they should never learn that you have both, and certainly shouldn't believe that your darker aspects are being harnessed for the greater good.
If you're the Hero, it's perfectly acceptable for you to break into people's homes, destroy their property, and rummage through/steal their personal belongings. Cupboards, however, are strictly off-limits.
Hacking up the local plant and animal life is a good way to find money.
Leisure Suit Larry: Never flush the toilet. You could drown yourself that way.
Mass Effect: Remember kids, pragmatism is wrong. When dealing with difficult situations, always deal in the same broad strokes. There is no such thing as gray area.
No matter the proof you bring, no matter what happens, governments will not act and accuse you of lying, even if you save them from the threat. Only way to efficiently fight against the threat is a racist terrorist organization.
All the armies, all the starships, all the brave people of all the united empires of the galaxy can change absolutely nothing unless The Hero saves them. Should anything happen to The Hero, do not try to carry on the fight — you have to somehow resurrect The Hero or everything's lost. Also, members of The Hero's Nakama, who are just as skilled and know as much about the threat to all life in the galaxy will scatter and go back to obsessing about their personal problems unless The Hero is there to shepherd them back on track.
Terrorists just have humanity's best interests at heart
Civilian leadership is always incompetent and obstructive. The only people you can trust to protect you are members of the military.
If you advance your civilization's technology too far, Mecha-Cthulhu will harvest you and turn you into one of them.
And when those Mecha-Cthulhu come to harvest, don't even bother trying to fight back. Not because you'll fail, but because your success will do more damage than the Mecha-Cthulhu ever could.
Master Of Orion: Killing and enslaving people, and destroying whole planets is a praiseworthy activity and will get you elected as ruler of the universe. Everyone will just love you for it.
Consumers' associations are all just a bunch of mildly irritating whiners.
Environmentalists quickly forget the past as long as you don't commit any fresh infractions.
The workers are ungrateful losers you can ignore forever without consequence.
Anti-obesity associations are full of Fat Idiot types who are easily appeased/snookered.
Anti-globalization organizations are full of idiots who are angry for no good reason. They can also be ignored forever.
Mega Man Star Force: The best way to help people is to undetectably invade their privacy with the help of your Blood Knight alien friend.
The Power of Friendship will give you great strength, on the condition that first you spend three years shrinking from any human contact and Wangsting a lot.
Metal Gear Solid 3: If you are a woman, and involved in dangerous covert operations, walking around with your top unzipped will do more for your chances of survival than legendary combat prowess. Remember, girls, Vasquez Always Dies.
Metal Gear Solid 2: Terrorism is brilliant, as long as you're doing it for your ideals and morals (whatever they may be), and not for your benefit. If you're not a terrorist or support their right to murder countless people because of their beliefs, you're a mindless sheep or you're still being educated in the true meaning of life.
It doesn't matter if your girlfriend is a delusional hallucination caused by a combination of your own fractured mind, a broken computer influencing your thoughts, and the gunpowder you use as food condiments - if she still puts out, she's your perfect match.
Metal Gear Solid: It doesn't matter if men have obscene personality flaws, can provide you with no stability whatsoever and have known you for about three hours - as long as he's handsome, you're bound to fall in love with him, and even lucky for it. It doesn't even matter if you don't like men. The bitter, traumatised, sterile (but handsome) killer who treats you and everyone else like crap and is going to drop randomly dead at any moment is still perfect boyfriend material. He may constantly reject your advances, beat you up and treat you in a patronisingly sarcastic, sexist way, because he's really handsome. Even if you've dedicated your very life to killing him, and he calls himself an 'animal' and makes constant sexist passes at you before suddenly getting angry at you just for doing your job, you'll fall in love with him and endure all kinds of suffering for him once you realise how handsome he is. In fact, he's so handsome, the way to prevent yourself from being horribly emotionally traumatised during a rape is to pretend the rapist is him, because it'll make it feel good. Remember this for your future relationships, girls.
Getting therapy for PTSD does not work. Adjusting to a peaceful, calm, idyllic life will not work, however long you spend living that way. The only way to cure PTSD is by reliving a distorted version of the very events that caused it in the first place, from the electric floors and the hostage rescue to the barehanded murder of a family member and a pure-hearted girl soldier who dresses as a guard and gets shot down before your eyes.
Metal Gear Solid 4: Don't try to change the world. You'll only make it worse. As long as you do what you're told, everything will work out alright, even if you're obeying the commands of profoundly evil interests, because your actions help preserve the status quo.
You can't leave your sins to the next generation, but the only person who can save you is your little daughter.
Children can never be happy if their parents are both men. If you refuse to bring in a woman to act as a role model, she'll never learn how to cook and clean and be pretty and like flowers, like all girls want to do.
Abandoning your best friend and ideals to fall in love with a woman you've known for about two hours is admirable. No matter how neglectful you are to your friend, he loves you enough to forgive you whatever, so you may as well take the gamble. You can always go back to him at the end and he'll welcome you with open arms.
All the problems in the world can be solved by abusing old people.
The only women who are good women are wives, mothers, children or dead women. Anything feminine - it doesn't even have to be a woman, just look like one - which is not a wife, a mother, a child or dead is either an unstoppable killing machine, an unstoppable killing machine whose mind is full only of thoughts of sex with you, incompetent, a harpy, or out to betray you. This even applies to feminine things who are mothers, but not acting like them; children, but not acting like them; not married yet; marked, but not actually dead yet, etc. Marrying, having children, behaving like a child or dying automatically makes a woman good, though, no matter what she was like before.
Metroid: Creatures with physiologies suited to killing others are bad. Stick to killing each other with advanced technology instead.
Modern Warfare: The US army fails at everything they do, so when danger arises, don't call the US army, call two British soilders to solve all of your problems.
Morrowind- It's okay to run around stark naked as long as you have even a belt on. No one will notice anything.
N to S
NetHack: Don't let anything, including entire species, impede your goal of godhood. (Just remember you should never genocide your own.)
If you've lived more than ten hours, mass-murder of peaceful creatures is A-OK
Ninja Gaiden for the NES: Birds are fucking assholes.
Actually, everything will kill you. Don't ever go outside again.
Ninja Gaiden series in general: Real ninjas don't do pussy things like hide in the shadows, get close to their target, and assassinate him/her before they even know of the ninja's presence. No, real ninjas rush forward in plain sight with sword drawn against everything from several mooks with guns to a gigantic Archfiend.
All women have large breasts and surprisingly good fighting ability (especially in the next-gen games). However, if they are good then they will probably grab the Distress Ball or otherwise become useless, but if they are bad then they will transform into a hideous monster and try to kill you. So never trust women ever.
No More Heroes: Bored? Nothing to do except watch porn all day? Why just get online and ebay yourself a nice Beam Katana and start hacking and slashing and strawberry shortcaking people until you find the person that killed your parents.
No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle: Just come back to town and feeling real pissed because your only friend just got killed? Don't call the cops, whip out the old katana and go after the head of a massive company. Oh, and turning into a tiger is a-okay!
Oblivion ~ Quest: Paranoia...If you are a loner, you clearly are a paranoid nutcase who thinks there's this conspiracy by everyone else in the town to kill you.
Ōkami: If you see a strangely intelligent, cute white doggy, WORSHIP IT, for it is GOD. Also, Science Is Bad.
Alternatively, if you see a large wolf coming at you, don't run for cover or try to defend yourself. Instead, talk to it and pet its head because it's certainly not going to bite you.
Feeding random wild animals will make them worship you.
Parasite Eve: Fear Your Body. Especially if you're young, attractive, and/or female. If an animal looks unusual or unhealthy, don't contact the authorities—shoot it before it causes you to spontaneously combust. Also, don't go to the opera. You will be set on fire.
Persona 3: If you are a guy you cannot be just friends with a girl. It has to go somewhere. Having more than one female friend is the same as adultery. But don't worry, they probably won't figure it out, and if they do, all it takes is few well-chosen words and they'll come running back like nothing happened.
It's perfectly okay to build up a woman's trust and then move on to someone else after she sleeps with you as long as you can deny it ever happened.
You know who is a good person to date? That crazy girl who tried to off all your friends. It is okay, she's just a bit confused.
It's also okay to sleep with the creepy woman who runs the card shop, even if you already have a girlfriend. She won't mind.
Lectures by occult obsessed substitute teachers provided are more important to your life than knowledge math, language and history lessons.
All history teachers are obsessed about their favorite time period. Also, your normal teacher is so into you.
You are the only one who can love. However, you do get everyone, so it ain't that bad.
The only way to solve your problems is to shoot yourself in the head.
If you aren't enjoying every moment of your life, you're a horrible person and you deserve to die along with the rest of humanity.
Live life to the fullest, or an Eldritch Abomination will descend upon Earth and destroy mankind.
Persona 4: The ignorant masses don't know what they want. Even if god like creatures are willing to fufill the desires of humanity and create a utopia that people wish for you can't let them. After all, a select group of people with special powers get to decide the fate of humanity. No matter what people actually want.
Nihilism is the key to saving the world. If you don't dismiss everything as a lie, the world will end and you won't be able to do a thing about it.
If you have vital information about a murder case (and the ability to prove it) don't even consider telling your detective uncle about it. Instead constantly put yourself and your friends in serious danger.
It's perfectly acceptable to date multiple girls at the same time.
If you don't accept that the most flanderized, Accentuate the Negative portrayal of you is true, you are in denial and don't deserve to live.
Phantasy Star Universe: If you want to become a GUARDIAN to protect the universe, be prepared to abandon your friends for the common good. If you want to be most efficient in protecting the universe, become a Rogue.
Worried that all that violence will damage the fragile minds of your rag-tag party? Fret no more! Your creatures grow ''happier'' for every foe they down! So patch up those wounds, beat up a few more bikers or school boys, and you and your Pokemon will be chums in no time.
If you need to breed an animal (any animal at all!), don't go out of your way to capture one of its own kind. No, instead, procure a Ditto. And then fling the poor hapless pink blob into the pen with an animal of your choosing. Once they've finished their business, you can set Ditto up with another creature. And another. And another ...
The real Aesop? It's really, really, really awesome to be Ditto.
Locking a child in their room for most of their childhood is good for the child's moral development.
Not wanting your kinda cleuless daughter to go straight from living at home to traveling arround New York by herself on foot makes you a bad parent.
Females who do not want to stay in the kitchen absolutely must do something related to biology. Everything else, from math to sports to politics is men's work.
Do you know how much grief you people are causing?
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Explorers Of Time/Darkness/Sky: If you grieve for a dead friend strong enough, said friend will undoubtedly be revived.
Pokémon Rumble: Are you a young novice with dreams of becoming the champion? Sorry. You'll need to recruit someone else to do it for you.
Portal2: If you ever need a bossy moron, find someone British.
Having your father die is the only way to grow up.
Every woman you meet will either try to kill you, or cause you great amounts of emotional distress, sometimes both.
Warrior within: The solution to being chased by a monster because you messed with time? Mess even more with time. If that doesn't work, mess even more with it. And if that still doesn't work, just kill the monster, what you could have done from the start, had you had the right weapon.
Prototype: Don't just pick on elite army brigades and zombies, eat them too! You'll get superpowers.
Psychonauts: The guy who's hurting children for his own personal gain really has some sort of Fruedian Excuse, and attacking him will teach him the errors of his ways. The guy he's working with for it, though? You don't know his backstory, and therefor can just assume he's a Complete Monster and deserves to die. No one likes dentists, anyway.
Blue people are bad, so it's safe to judge them from the color of their skin.
Years of mental illness can be cured within an hour by a pre-pubescent kid blowing things up.
Ratchet & Clank: massive acts of vandalism are the best way to pick up spare change, and violence is the only solution to any problem.
All corporations are evil, and the only way to stop a terrorist is more terrorism.
What, what, what? But the corporations are the good guys, at least in the first game! Also in the second game. That corporation only seemed evil because the generous CEO was an impostor.
Red Dead Redemption It's okay to tell your troubled child that he lives in a dream world, that he reads too many books, etc. After all, its not like he's trying to find an escape from the real world of being a son of a former outlaw. This will, in no way, cause him to have serious resentments against you in the future and have serious emotional problems which will eventually drive him to borderline depression and become a gunslinger, which was the very thing you were trying to help him avoid in the first place.
It's more than perfectly okay to threaten the people trying to help you, describing all the gruesome ways you could murder them dead...all because they annoyed you. This goes from the eccentric conman and his pals, to the marshal's deputies, up to the rebel leader who's leading the Mexican Revolution! However they'll all look pass this in their eternal, undying wish to serve you because you're just that important.
Resident Evil: Code: Veronica: Apparently, you're supposed to insult someone because of symptoms of their mental disorder, not the fact that they're a sadistic bastard who has repeatedly tried to kill you. (Claire insulting Alfred about being a cross-dresser, despite how he has multiple personalities and one personality is female, so he would dress as a woman because of the disorder.)
Rift: If you're religious, you're a ludditezealot. If you're not, you're going against the will of the Divine. Also, if it's from another world, it's probably in league with Eldritch Abominations.
Rune Factory: The past is of no use to an Amnesiac Hero. If you know someone who knows who you were, don't bother asking (Rune Factory 1). If the one responsible offers to restore your lost memories, decline (RF3). Your current happy life is more than enough. Anyone from your past who loves and misses you? Eff 'em!
Runescape: Lumberjacks have the easiest job in the world.
Don't feed coal to dragons. It's bad for the environment.
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne: The fate of the world is not in your hands. It's in the hands of all the different factions trying to manipulate you into thinking that it is.
If teaching makes you feel insecure, go ahead and destroy the world. Your students will clean up the mess (or have some fun with it) and you'll feel better about yourself!
Humans Are Bastards and don't deserve the Earth as it is, so trading away your humanity to become the baddest demon there ever was and destroying the world is the best course of action.
Silent Hill 2: It's okay to kill your wife if she won't have sex with you. You might even get a stripperized version of her when she's dead!
Who mentioned sex? More like the the best approach to an approaching bereavement is to accelerate it with judicious use of a pillow and then resurrect a death cult in the hope of bringing her back!
Silent Hill 3: A world without hunger, war or sickness would be incredibly boring and you're a castrated sheep if you think it would be better that way.
Sonic the Hedgehog, particularly the Shadow arc: It's okay to do horrible things as long as you make up for it in the end!
It doesn't matter what you do at all, every major evil in the world can only be beaten back by harnessing the power of the Chaos Emeralds.
Sonic X: chase a guy around in a hopelessly creepy fashion, and he'll start to be touched by your gestures of affection and fall for you in return.
Shadow the Hedgehog: "If you wanna stay clear of trouble, then stay away from the doctor." Yeah... well said Shadow.
Sonic Riders: If you have part of a powerful weapon, you should gamble it in a race! Who knows what could happen if it fell into the wrong hands, but hey, hoverboards are cool!
Don't bother spending your whole life mastering something, people that are liked better than you will come along and beat you at it with ease.
Sonic Riders: Zero Gravity: Nothing gets you to your destination faster than driving in circles!
Extreme Gear is incredibly important. So important, that if you're about to crash out of a 300 story building, you should grab it instead of your best friend that went out of his way to save you from falling a few inches earlier.
The Super Mushrooms, and other such powerups: Hey kids! Drugs Are Good stuff!! They make you grow up strong and healthy and may even give you superpowers!
Super Robot Wars: Humans shouldn't fight each other. They should fight aliens.
Tales Of Graces: Easily forgive the bad guy (who, as a part of his routine, has possessed your best friend and has tried to kill you and your other friends while using your friend as a voluntary puppet) and he'll stop his reign of terror.
Tales Of The Abyss: Trusting a man you've known all your life over a group of strangers who you have very good reasons not to trust makes you an unforgivable Jerkass.
Tales of Symphonia: Dawn Of The New World: If you don't stand up for yourself against those who hate you, you are worthless. If you do stand up for yourself, they will kill you and those you love. Thus, your only hope is to be stronger than everyone else.
The original, and the Sequel: Everything you do is worthless, from saving the soul of your Love Interest to getting rid of the Big Bad, because no matter what you did, you didn't make anything any better, in fact, you may have made it worse.
The best way to make a game popular, widespread, and varied enough to be enjoyed by people of all ages and skill levels? Take it away from the guy who created it, and deny him all royalties!
Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness: Wanted for a murder you didn't commit? In that case, killing a few more people is fine so long as you manage to clear your name in the end.
Tomb Raider 1 and Anniversary: It's okay to kill the woman trying to save her people from extinction (AND destroy all of her work!) if she tried to kill you while trying to do so.
Tomb Raider 2: If the prophecy states that a door must be opened with a certain artifact, then go ahead and travel all over the globe to find it. Don't just...you know...put another object the same size into the keyhole, or try to destroy that fragile, hollow, wooden door.
The Touhou Project: Firing millions of bullets at your friends is the only reasonable way to settle disputes.
The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil: If you don't like sunny days it's alright to erect an artificial sun blocking shield over an entire town.
Perfect Cherry Blossom: It's OK to steal one of the four seasons so long as you're trying to bring an evil man eating tree back to life.
Immaterial and Missing Power: If you are capable of creating artificial black holes then force people to get drunk against their will.
Imperishable Night: If you are hiding fugitives inside a stolen mansion then you have the right to steal the moon.
And as a corollary if you want to track down that person it's OK to steal a night.
Phantasmagoria of Flower View: Rest is important so don't fail to have a nap even if it causes a major incident and results in a few million missing souls.
Shoot the Bullet: It's OK to take invasive pictures of people against their will, especially if they're engaged in important tasks at the time.
Mountain of Faith: If you are in possession of a de facto monopoly it's OK to use force to maintain that monopoly if any competitors enter the market.
Scarlet Weather Rhapsody: Do you have superhuman powers? Are you bored? Destroying the planet will help pass the time.
Subterranean Animism: Feeding a mad hell raven, who is the pet of a despised mind reader, the corpse of a sun god provides green jobs. Also there is no need for corporate transparency.
Undefined Fantastic Object: If a group of people are trying to rescue their beloved friend after she was unjustly imprisoned then you must turn into a racist murderer to make sure they don't succeed.
Touhou Hisōtensoku: If you're convinced you've seen a giant god then run around trying to find it, beating up everyone you meet along the way.
Double Spoiler: If you're too lazy to take invasive photographs of people then get somebody else to do it then beat her up and steal her camera.
Fairy Wars: Terrorizing humans and starting wars is a good way to prove you're the strongest.
Tsukihime: The only important thing in the world is which girl you decide to pursue.
Also it's perfectly fine to have sex with your sister as long as you're not technically related.
If you see a good-looking girl in the street, stalk her and cut into seventeen pieces. She'll come to like you by the next morning.
You can heal the trauma of a childhood of sexual abuse with your dick.
Lying about what you're going to do to your girlfriend in bed and making her cry while you're doing it is a perfectly valid way of building rapport with her.
Ultima Underworld: The offspring of mixed marriages will be cannibalistic, physically repulsive ghouls.
Valkyria Chronicles: Any form of ambition or individualism is wrong and evil, being promoted to a higher rank in theory stopping your military's We Have Reserves policy is also wrong and evil. Having the power to end a bloody war faster with less deaths on both sides is even more wrong. So just know your place in the pecking order and love it. Also, Hilter was right.
Alternately, it doesn't matter HOW Crazy Awesome the afterlife is, or how much of a Crapsack World you live in, ANYONE who would choose the afterlife over normal, mortal life is a horrible, horrible person.
The World Ends With You: You're better off on your own. Partners will just stand there and get your mutual HP eaten up.
Or you can Take a Third Option, which is to trust in your friends, where trust is defined as "tell them how to do everything".
When the evil god tells you that you were an Unwitting Pawn in his scheme to destroy your hometown and everyone in it (including you), and you have a chance to stop his plans, don't do it. If you do, you're a selfish jerk and you only care about yourself.
World of Warcraft: People of different races can get along, but mainly for the purposes of killing people of even more different races. Also, nepotism is good and always preferable to appointing someone elsewho may bebetter for the job at hand.
Heroes kill everything in sight, then they do it again and again.
Rather than just giving the heroes who've saved the world dozens of times over the things they need to keep saving the world, you should instead make them perform menial tasks like gathering chickens every single day until you decide you like them enough.
Every building, bridge, road, and other piece of infrastructure is fully capable of supporting the weight of full grown mammoths, dragons, helicopters, etc.
If you and your friends kill a wanted criminal in order to take his head back for the bounty, make sure to check his pockets, as he's likely carrying extra heads so everyone can cash in.
A pebble and a full-sized two-handed battle axe take up exactly the same amount of space in a backpack.
Casual acts of genocide against defenceless villages are not only acceptable and not only profitable but also make people like you more.
Xenogears: Even if you are a dirty son of a bitch who takes out his anger after his unrequited crush dies by manipulating the world from the shadows for hundreds of years while committing various atrocities (including turning most of the planet's population into zombies), you can still escape all punishmentby tagging along with a godlike being to another dimension. And you'll be excused of your crimes by one of your victims!
Xenosaga: If you are Christian, believe in any part of the Bible, or even like to quote the Bible, you are automatically evil and beyond redemption. Likewise, if none of that applies to you, you're one of the good guys unless you're already insane.
No matter how insanely tragic your past is, you are not allowed to ever angst over it. If you do, you'll unleash an entire race of nasties upon the galaxy.
Yggdra Union: Women favor linear formations, men prefer to flank.
Genocide is always an a-OK solution to continental strife if you decide you feel bad about it later, and diplomacy is ridiculous—unless you're going up against someone with a bigger stick than you, in which case you had better hop to when they order it.
Yume Nikki: Playing with lightswitches is fun! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Having weird dreams that you can't get rid of? Kill yourself!
Aesops Pertaining To Multiple Games:
Super Mario Bros., Mega Man, Sonic the Hedgehog...let's just say "any ongoing video game series with a recurring villain": The proper way to foil your archenemy's scheme is to kill everyone who works for him, beat him up, and stop his evil plan by force. Yet at no point should you ever consider ending his schemes for good. After all, he's cunning enough to escape any punishment, so nothing short of execution will stop his reign of terror... and killing is wrong. Or impossible. Unless you're killing his Mooks, of course, but who cares about them?
If you kill the recurring villain why would the princess want you when she doesn't need saving any more?
With The Legend of Zelda, species often isn't an obstacle to this. In fact, you may get an offer from a much older woman of a different race... when you're 10 years old.
They don't have to be the same species, genus, family, order, class, phylum, or kingdom. You can and will receive marriage proposals from sentient trees.
In other words: Being a hero is pretty dang sweet.
If you're a athletic 10-years-old, you will be sexually propositioned by adults on a routine basis, often ending in you running away screaming. This is hilarious, and not a cause for concern.
Alternately: Super Mario Bros., Sonic the Hedgehog, 2D platformers in general. If you don't know what to do, just start running to the right.
Final Fantasy X, among others: You're going to end up in a relationship with the first girl you get to know. If it becomes apparent that she has no personality, at least compared to someone else you meet who actively likes you back, suck it.
For Tales of Symphonia, ignoring your friend may seem like a Jerkass thing to do, but if it means you can Screw Destiny and be with someone else, go ahead and screw it!
... unless it's Tales of the Abyss, in which case you may Screw Destiny over bigtime. But only after you've overturned the major world religion that serves as an arbitrator between the two world powers that are constantly engaged in brinkmanship and amassed a civilian body count that's significantly higher than the villain's.
Any RPG. Your society is crumbling to pieces? Charge the hero who wants to buy your Magical Items cash. Because everyone will love you for it. "What? He needed the Door Buster Spell to rescue our beloved Princess and you charged him fifty gp? You're awesome."
Just About Every Fighting Game Ever: Muscles are for men. Years of grueling martial arts training and practice will have no visible effect whatsoever on that frail, shapely figure of yours. Oh and 30 is old.
Unless of course you are Chun-Li. In which case your upper body will never change but your legs will become ENORMOUS.
If one fighter is clearly better than all the rest, it's not because of training or skill, it's because the competition is broken and RUINED FOREVER!!!
RPGs in general: you should hunt endangered species because they're worth more EXP than common rabbits.
In fairness, if something is endangered it's either extremelydangerous or God doesn't want them to live either.
Rock Band and Guitar Hero: You and your friends can get some instruments and go from nobodies to world famous rock stars...by playing nothing but covers.
