Angelspit's "Vena Cava". Why not run a club for the obscenely rich involving cannibalism and murder? After all, it's their own fault for being stupid enough to join without questioning what will happen to them afterwards, or whether it could be hazardous to join a club that routinely vivisects ex-members alive and plays poker for body parts.
Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend": Hey girls, if you physically assault, drench and otherwise humiliate your crush's girlfriend, who's never done anything to you, he'll be sure to dump her on the spot and date you instead.
Public bathroom stalls really are the best places to have sex!
Barenaked Ladies' "The Old Apartment": You can destroy anything you want, up to and including the property of the people who bought your old apartment, in the name of nostalgia.
Crossfade's "Cold": The easiest way to get rid of your girlfriend is to play music with your band in the living room and yell at her when she walks in the door, stuff your guitar under her pillow and write long notes in lipstick on the bathroom mirror. She ain't comin' back.
The Dead Weather's "Treat Me Like Your Mother": Semi-automatic gunfights are the solution to all relationship troubles!
"What's My Name? (Rihanna)": Convenience stores are the best place to meet girls.
"Started From The Bottom": Night managers at pharmacies make enough money to afford a private jet and golfcarts.
Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry": The only logical thing to do after you've seen your boyfriend take part in a drug deal is to ditch him and move to the city in order to become a singer.
Hannah Montana's "Ordinary Girl": Life is dull, gray and boring - unless you're a celebrity, where it's all bright colours and parties all the time.
"Party In The USA": In order to mask the fact that your trip to Los Angeles to become famous was a complete and total bust, just turn on some crappy pop music. It will make you feel better...until you come back to reality, anyway.
Jim Noir's "Key of C": Hey kids! There's nothing wrong with drinking poison. It will turn you into a British gentleman with a suit, umbrella, and bowler hat, and you will have lots of fun hallucinations!
Justice's "Stress": All French electronic music fans are gang members that will terrorize your city.
Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around": When your girlfriend flees in terror after you threaten to assault her, then panics when you chase after her in a car and gets into an accident that kills her, you don't have to shoulder any of the blame. It's all her fault for not listening to your advice, anyway.
"Cry Me A River": Stalking is okay when it's your ex-girlfriend.
Justin Bieber's "Baby": The best way to get a girl to fall in love with you is to bug her while she's trying to bowl with her friends and shoot some pool. And break dancing on oiled bowling lanes isn't unsafe or interruptive at all.
Kelly Clarkson's Since U Been Gone: It is perfectly acceptable for you to break into the house of your ex and his new girlfriend, months to years after the breakup, trash the house, break furniture, destroy hundreds of dollars worth of clothes, and steal a cool hat, to show how over said ex you are.
Same goes for Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats," with the added benefit of that it's okay to destroy his property because he's probably cheating.
Korn, "Freak on a Leash": Accidentally shooting a gun will just lead to a long series of near-misses, not actually hurting anyone. And Korn's lead singer can deflect bullets with his voice.
"Right Now": Self mutilation is hilarious and never fatal.
Lady Gaga's "Telephone": It's okay to poison an entire diner of people if it means killing one jerky ex-boyfriend.
"Bad Romance": If your mattress is not fireproof, don't worry: it will come in handy.
Matthew Good Band's "Strange Days": Your life isn't worth a damn unless you save someone else's life and die in the process. Especially if you're homeless.
Michael Jackson's "Beat It": All rival gang wars can be solved with a dance-off.
Ghosts: Kids, if your strange adult friend meets up you and your other friends in a creepy mansion for fun, don't tell anybody because parents and authorities are mean, prejudiced people who will persecute anyone who's different. If you're a parent or authority figure, don't automatically assume the strange guy who makes kids keep secrets is bad. And, if you are said strange loner and get questioned, it's okay to trap everyone who comes to confront you and torment them with nightmarish visions, manipulate their emotions, and even torture them if it convinces them not to run you out on a rail. (Note: The full-length version of this short is still not available in Region 1 on any video format, not even on the ostensibly-complete Michael Jackson's Vision box set, probably because you don't have to work that hard to warp these aesops.)
"Billie Jean": Anyone who follows you around with a camera with intent of catching you in the act of adultery is a jerk and deserves to be punished. Even if you're actually committing the adultery.
"Moonwalker": Drug dealers have no other purpose in life than terrorizing cute street children, and they can only be stopped by an androgynous, biracial Transformer who occasionally dresses in 1930s clothes.
"Black Or White": It's perfectly acceptable to end a video with a phantasmagoric nightmare sequence involving racism, human/animal shapeshifting, and oddly kinky Clothing Damage just as long as you top it off with a Bart Simpson wisecrack to leave 'em laughing.
Fathers who tell their sons to turn their music down deserve to be blasted all the way to Africa by loud music.
"Earth Song": We may as well just give it up. The Earth is totally and irrevocably fucked. And it's all our fault.
Alternatively, the reason the world is so screwed up is because we're not sad enough about war, murder, and environmental disaster. If we were sad enough, everything would magically be made all better.
Newsong's "The Christmas Shoes": Disillusioned by the crass commercialism of the holiday season? Fear not! God will personally boost your flagging spirit by striking some random woman with a fatal illness just so you can help her son buy one last present before she croaks and feel good about yourself! Yay consumerism!
It's better to give a frivolous gift to a poor boy with a terminally ill mother than to give him something he might actually need (food, money for medical bills/funeral costs, emotional support, etc.).
"Rockstar": Being a rockstar is awesome. All you'll have to do to accomplish that goal is give up any semblance of identity and become an arrogant jackass. It's so easy that anyone can do it!
"Never Gonna Be Alone": Being dead doesn't mean you have to miss your daughter's graduation and wedding.
"This Afternoon": All the best parties involve kidnapping, theft, carjacking and reckless endangerment.
The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up": Going out, getting piss-drunk, being thrown out of a bar, puking on the sidewalk, picking up a woman and having a quickie with her, then contemplating how you screwed up your life is just par for the course. Unless you're a woman.
Sarah McLachlan's "Sweet Surrender": When you find the survivor of a car crash lying on the side of the road, toss them in the back seat of your car, take them home with you and throw them under your couch. No one will notice.
"Stupid": Adultery is a genetic disorder. It can and 'will repeat itself over the course of several generations of the same bloodline. Alternatively, you should always cheat on your husband, even if he's a perfectly wonderful husband and father, with a much younger man.
Shiv-R, "The End": Don't go to bondage clubs, the people there will capture you, torture you and turn you into their slave.
Or, alternatively: If a random woman walks into your club, capture her, commit acts of gross bodily harm onto her and keep her there. Her fault for coming there anyway.
Soulja Boy's "Crank That": If you have a rap hook and a choreographed dance routine, you will get worldwide exposure and a record deal, even if you weren't that great in the first place.