Warp That Aesop / Webcomics

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• Homestuck

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[In roughly alphabetical order:]

• 8-Bit Theater:
  • Idiots are funny. Violence is funny. Therefore, idiots being violent to other idiots is peak comedy.
  • People will always put up with your presence no matter how obnoxious you are.
  • Everyone in the entire world is either insane or an idiot. No exceptions.
  • The best way to get someone to shut up for a moment is to stab them in the head.
  • Selectively breeding animals for a purpose is just crazy.
  • You can take every opportunity to treat your teammates like crap and there will never be any long-lasting repercussions.
  • Never try to change the world for the better because a bunch of jerks will ruin things for you every time.
  • Loophole abuse always works.
  • Cooperating with people is far less effective than just nuking everything.
  • Crossdressing is weird and means you must have daddy issues.
  • Women can never serve any role other than the healer.
  • Bad ideas work just as well as good ones, provided that they're funny enough.
  • It's a great idea to go adventuring with people who hate you and want you dead. You'll gain some cool powers and death never sticks anyway.
  • It doesn't matter if you have no positive qualities whatsoever, the audience will still like you if you're a snarky Butt-Monkey.
  • There are never any consequences for your actions. You can go around stealing, murdering and raping as much as you like, and nobody will even try to stop you. If they do, you can just murder them too.

• The Adventures of Dr. McNinja: It's okay to be a half-crazy vigilante who has, on at least one occasion, killed an innocent man without provocation or repentance, so long as you are also totally awesome.

• Alfie (2010):
  • Chaste-wholesomeness of any kind is a lie perpetrated by the sexuality-repressed, all who adhere to it being peer-pressured by people who themselves are wholesome because they where pressured into it and so on and so on in a never-ending Chain of Harm.
  • Bestiality is okay if they have tits.
  • Don't kid yourself: everyone is having lots of sex everywhere all the time and you not getting any is all on you.

• Axe Cop:
  • Police brutality is effective and will make you a complete badass. All bad guys are evil, so it's okay to chop their heads off.
  • Meta: Always be sure to cultivate any violent tendencies in the imagination of your little brother.

• Better Days:
  • Democrats/Left-leaning people openly expressing their political views are bad, but when you constantly use your characters as a soap-box to express your own political views, then it's perfectly fine.
  • Incest is not that big of a deal. It's practically a part of growing up!

• Boy Meets Boy: Straight people are the Antichrist.

• Bug Martini:
  • Never argue over Wheat Thins; it will lead to murder.
  • Using a wheelchair or a cane makes you cool. Using a walker on the other hand makes you uncool.
  • Sparkly dresses always scuff up the finish on a piano.
  • Uzis, wild baboons, and whilst someone's on the toilet aren't considered the best methods to propose to someone.
  • Killing someone will cause you to magically inherit their job.
  • No one is ever happy with their tan.
  • Ugly kids only get uglier with age.
  • If you cheat on your wife, it will eventually cause you to be diagnosed with wiener cancer.
  • Seeing a stranger trip and fall is amusing. Seeing your best friend trip and fall is absolutely hilarious.

• Ciem Webcomic Series: Divorce is such a crapshoot, that even if your spouse was a prick and you're happy to be rid of them; you'll get a cooler spot in Hell if you kill yourself. If you're male and the girl ditches you senselessly, you'll be transformed into a hideous monster. Against your will. No exceptions. The only cure is to remarry. Or else you will die! Horribly! If you're female and divorced, then only childbirth can spare you from a Family-Unfriendly Death.

• Concession:
  • Pedophilia is wrong except if you have a brain tumor. That has not affected you at all until this point.
  • When a Christian finds out he's actually attracted to the same-sex, he will steadily lose his faith, become a total stereotype, obsessed with sex and fairly deviant fetishes, and will assist his Satanist boyfriend in killing the priest who told him it was okay to be gay.

• Ctrl+Alt+Del:
  • Fat women will never have love lives because men hate them.
  • Introverts (especially if they use Linux instead of Windows) are secretly masterminding some terrible plot, so it's perfectly okay to invade their privacy. They're weirdos anyway.
  • The women are always wrong and they'll have revenge for some petty comment that you made years ago when the two of you had only just met.

• El Goonish Shive:
  • You will find your One True Love at age seventeen, damn it!
  • It's perfectly fine to use illegal technology to turn someone into a half-animal, who can't speak in that state, against their will if you were just joking around. They will not only forgive you for it, they'll volunteer to be a test subject for your secret transformation experiments.

• Ennead: Gang rape is divine justice and will lead to positive character growth.

• Exterminatus Now:
  • The greatest hope for any planet lies in the hands of its four least competent defenders.
  • Also, if you can't solve a problem with violence or more violence, solve it by nuking things.

• Fans!:
  • Science fiction fans are the only people on the planet who are equipped to solve the problems of the world. If you don't like science fiction, you have no imagination whatsoever, and are mostly useless.
  • If someone tries to kill you over a man, there's a good chance you'll end up in a three-way with them both.

• Freefall:
  • Bestiality is a-okay if the bitch's smarter than you.
  • You can get away with any crime if you're sufficiently entertaining when doing it.

• Friendly Hostility: Leaving food in your fridge for an overly long time is funny.

• Garfield Minus Garfield: Any comic, show or movie with a Funny Animal character is just the hallucination of a deranged, depressed and lonely mind.

• Girl Genius: Using lobotomy as a way to punish prisoners is the morally right thing to do.
  — |>][<| Don't Make Me Come Over There |>][<|

• Goblins:
  • The Player Character races are Always Chaotic Evil KILL.THEM.ALL on sight.
  • Trying to return lost property to its rightful owner will NEVER end well, even if you were the reason that property was lost in the first place. Genociding Always Chaotic Evil species, and killing anyone they so much as look at, is not an evil act.

• Great: Delusions of grandeur are good to have.

• Gunnerkrigg Court: Everything made by nature is good and pure deep down, everything created by science is cold and soulless. Also follows of nature are fun free-spirits, followers of sciences are jerks and monsters or insane unless they often come into contact with nature daily.

• IHopeSo: It's okay to steal from another existing story if you personally don't like it.
  • Nuance is a myth. Everyone is either a goody-two-shoes, or the lion embodiment of Satan.

• Jack: Women are only useful as a man's sex toy. Even when women are trained FBI agents or Action Girls, they cannot accomplish anything whatsoever and will get killed in the process, unless a strong male arrives to save her, defeat the bad guys and make her his own.

• Kevin & Kell: There is no problem so great that it cannot be solved by devouring someone.

• Keychain of Creation:
  • If you have received divine empowerment, anything you do is by definition the will of the gods.
    • That sums up lots of Exalted quite nicely.

• Kit 'n' Kay Boodle:
  • The world would be a much better place if people would just walk around naked and have sex when and wherever the mood strikes.
  • How is that "warping the aesop"? It sounds like the exact message of the comic.
  • Ok I got it: If you try to have sex with some one and they resisted that person is a horrible person and only an orgy can fix them. Also the God of sex only sees Married, heterosexual couples of the same race as the only worthy ones, anyone else? Screw you're not God's chosen.
    • Actually, that's not the point. Gods of Yiff are okay with whether you are gay or straight (although everyone has a little heterosexuality in them), it's just that you should be married, loyal to your spouse and have constant public sex with them. Oh, those disgusting abstinent people who choose to wear clothes, have sex indoors, or even asexual not have sex at all and those poor impotents who do not lament their loss of the capablity to yiff? No, they are not abstinent willingly, and they do not have opinions - they are either fascists or repressed souls! The only way for them to repent is to have sex, because sex is absolutely good and solves all problems. If they actually resist your attempts to convert them to the True Yiffy Way, then continue or have them die very, very horribly.
  • I would say "raping a woman with the mind of a child and an aversion to sex is a perfectly acceptable way to frame people you don't like," but I think that's intentional, too. How about "If you're raping someone and they ask you to stop, keep going and they'll eventually enjoy it"?
  • It's perfectly okay to sell highly addictive sex-enhancing drugs, as long as they make people have sex, and is also perfectly okay to abuse them, because that's what our Gods of Yiff want!

• Lackadaisy:
  • What's lawful doesn't always coincide with what's right. And nothing is more right than not only destroying your rival bootlegger's estabilishment, but their house as well.
  • Remember to always lie. Otherwise your mother is gonna decapitate your cousin, set his head on fire and kick it to the oblivion.
  • If your employee tries to sabotage your business meeting with an affiliate, don't fire or punish them. Instead, use the sabotaging to your advantage in said meeting. If the meeting still doesn't go anywhere, just sabotage your affiliate yourself.

• The Legend of Spyro: Zonoya's Revenge
  • Having a tragic backstory allows you to get away with anything from kidnapping to aiding a would-be world conqueror.

• Looking for Group
  • Richard: It's okay to be a total murdering psychopath (and burn down orphanages) as long as you're funny.
  • If your entire nation/people are evil, you, therefore, must be evil.
• Manly Guys Doing Manly Things: Reinforcing masculine gender roles is the epitome of badassery and those who try to defy this are part of some Resident Evil-esque Conspiracy.
• Megatokyo
  • Miho: It's perfectly fine to manipulate anyone who takes an interest in your wellbeing; as long as you have a vague dark past and are enigmatic enough, people will naturally assume that you're justified.
  • Largo: Don't worry about getting an education! Break the law whenever it suits you! Your CR4Z1 AW3S0M3 L33T H4X0RZ1N SK1LLZ (combined with mooching off of your friends) will get you through anything, or at least get you enough cash to satisfy your thirst for b33r!
    • Not having an education, knowing the local language, or even being able to stay focused on what it was you were hired to teach is no barrier to teaching at the local school!
  • Piro: If you are a sensitive artsy type, you are not manly enough to warrent attention from the opposite sex. Instead you should either live out an ecapist fantasy, wallow in self-pity, or become a cynical Jerkass to everyone around you (preferably that last one; remember, there's no difference between being an ass and being a badass!)
  • Yuki: Abducting your teacher's chronically ill ex-girlfriend from her hospital bed is a great way to get them back together.
  • General: If something seems like a good idea at the time, go ahead and do it and drag your friends along. If you find love while trying to fix any consequent problems, stop trying to fix them.

• Ménage à 3:
  • If someone is ever rude to you on the internet, you are perfectly justified in stalking him, sleeping with his mother, and breaking up his family. Don't forget to stick around and gloat about it!
  • Men are completely incapable of turning down sex, bisexual men literally doubly so.
  • All girls are lesbians. Even the straightest of women will want taco night every once in a while. This especially applies if said woman is very insistent that they prefer men.

• Misfile:
  • People drag you into fighting their battles, which you aren't a part of? It means you need to learn about responsibility you never signed up for.
  • Surrender your gender identity. You're far better off without it.

• Namesake: If you are an author, you shouldn't write sequels to your books because you are toying with the lives of the protagonists and potentially destroying the world in which they live.

• Narbonic and Something*Positive: fuck complex, subtle and varied jokes, just have sociopaths torture the main characters in all the comics!

• Nineteen-Ninety-Something: An Alpha Bitch can be set on the path of righteousness with a good No-Holds-Barred Beatdown (as long as it's also accompanied by a "The Reason You Suck" Speech).

• The Order of the Stick
  • Remember kids, wholesale genocide is perfectly fine if one or two of the species is a prick. Also, having a stick up your ass gets you loved by the fans!
  • Don't worry about the growing instability, paranoia, and isolation of your strongest warrior, 'cause she's a bitch. Instead, send her on dangerous missions for months at a time and then socially isolate her even more when she comes back.
    • If people tell you you're super-ultra special, you are! Why should you compromise with anyone, or see their side of things? Anyone who disagrees with you is evil, and probably secretly plotting against you and the ideals you stand for. You should kill them at your earliest convenience for their evil, treasonous ways.
  • Even if one of your party members is a sociopathic bastard who gleefully admits that he would kill you and the rest of the party if he ever gets the chance, and even if you would kill him if you met him as an NPC, the fact that he's in your party means that killing him is ethically unjustifiable, no matter how easy he would be to replace or how much trouble he is for you and the party on an hourly basis.
    • This is because he will end up being the only person not to lose his mind when the leader of the party is gone.
    • This being Belkar we're talking about, it's probably because it was already lost.
  • Killing an evil creature that was threatening your family is considered wrong, but murdering a defenseless woman in cold blood is a-ok.
    • But killing said evil creature is ok, since people are going to forget you just committed genocide and just focus on the fact that she (and her kind) were black therefor evil (and ok to kill) even if she just more or less became evil because her husband and son were murder by people like you, because they were black.
  • Being a victim of Fantastic Racism gives you the right to Take Over the World, even if you know you're Evil and make no effort to change your actions.
  • Remember, kids, some people mean nothing in the eyes of the Gods, and were actually created so that you could be mean to them!
  • All people deserve a chance to live in peace... except for fiends and the undead, who are all evil insults to life deserving only of destruction.
    • No matter, how good you were in your past life nor how bad you'd feel if you had to suck blood in order to survive before the process. You're undead now and need to kill living creatures in order to survive now and therefore will become evil instantly, no exceptions. What kind of sick creature feeds off other living creatures to survive, anyway?
  • It's okay to kill your family because God has a special plan for you.
  • If you make a Star Wars reference in front of a politician's son, you'll be sent to jail.
  • It's perfectly acceptable to have sex on a Sand Worm's back.

• Penny and Aggie:
  • Not all evil people are fat, but all fat people are evil.
  • Giving your underage daughter wine with dinner will turn her into a Depraved Bisexual with a death fetish!

• Peter Is the Wolf:
  • Sex will keep your lovably innocent (werewolf) girlfriend from killing everyone in town.
  • All that matters is your bust size.
• PHD: Just don't do a PhD for sanity's sake.

• pictures for sad children: Nobody's special, you will never be fulfilled, the universe is out to get you, and then you die. And that doesn't end it.
  • ...You mean that isn't the intended Aesop?

• The Pleasure Principle: You can get away with anything in school by having sex with your teachers.
  • Hey, girls! Want to be popular? Become the school bike!

• Polandball
  • Strawman fallacy is a staple of comedy!
  • Intentionally crappy MS Paint comics must be done to exact specifications, or else!
  • Poland is the laughing stock of the international community and should be made fun of.

• Questionable Content: Stand by your psychiatrist, even if your OCD has gotten steadily worse, not better or at least manageable, over time. Oh yeah, and get drunk often; that's sure to interact well with your meds.

• Raine Dog: Bestiality is just like homosexuality/transexuality, and minors should be allowed to have sexual relations with animals!

• RayFox:
  • Property is sacred and matters more than anything else, more than serving justice and saving lives! The destruction of it is akin to warcrimes.
  • You should be punished and face consequences for circumstances beyond your control, even if you saved lives in the process.
  • If you want to be recognized as a hero, you must blindly serve and obey the law; otherwise, you're just a vigilante and must atone to law enforcement that fails to actually do anything useful.
  • It's perfectly okay to keep throwing someone under the bus to keep your political career afloat, even if they saved your life.

• Red String: Be a complete doormat for the ones you love, especially your abusive parent. He'll eventually love you back. Right?

• Sabrina Online: Saying mean things on the Internet is just wrong. Stalking, harassing, and physically assaulting people is a-ok!
  • Sexual assault is no big deal if the aggressor is a hot busty tiger-skunk hybrid porn star.

• Schlock Mercenary:
  • If the most convenient mode of transportation kills people you never met, it's okay to use it. If they try to fight back, kill them all.
  • If you can't solve it with threats, solve it with violence.
  • Food that talks is not food. Therefore, you should eat goons before they can open their mouths.
    • Food that talks and pisses you off sufficiently goes back to being food. And your CO might cave and let you indulge yourself if you cajole them enough.

• Shortpacked!:
  • San Francisco will make you gay.
  • Being even slightly flamboyant about anything ever makes you gay.
  • Blackmailing an abusive sociopath into being your boyfriend is a good basis for a stable relationship.
    • And^note accounting for later revelations someone who would start a relationship with you by planting the idea to blackmail them in your brain is totally someone you'd want as a boyfriend.
  • Let an abusive sociopath move into your house without paying rent. That's totally a good idea.
  • Value your job with your life because there's no way in hell you'll ever find another one.
  • You can't sue for sexual harassment on the job. The best thing you can hope for is convincing your stalker you're gay so he'll give up.

• Sinfest: Every male in the world is a sexist pervert, and are puppets of Satan. Except for the bookworm, and the religious figures not associated with the Devil.
  • Terrorism is justifiable so long as it's for Feminism.
  • If someone wishes you a good day, feel free to intimidate them with violence.

• Sleepless Domain
  • Talking to your bedroom window is an acceptable substitute for therapy.
  • If you don't think someone is dealing with grief in the "right" way, it means they're hiding something and it's up to you to find out what.

• Slightly Damned: Trying to adopt war orphans of the enemy side is a terrible idea. In the long run, you'll only ruin their lives, leaving them permanently depressed at best or permanently intoxicated (presumably to avoid being depressed) at worst. Oh, and they'll probably become elite soldiers for the enemy when they grow up, killing dozens of your kind. In fact, the only way to have them end up remotely normal and happy is to abandon them when they're still too young to remember you afterwards.
  • It's okay to keep a kill-happy sadist who constantly murders the wrong people and screws up your plans as one of your lieutenants just because he's your boyfriend.
  • It's wrong to treat a whole race of people as Always Chaotic Evil, and a city that allows them to live alongside other races is a great place… up until it's burned down because the Always Chaotic Evil people were Evil All Along.
  • People who willingly mingle with the aforementioned Always Chaotic Evil folks are just being open minded and should not be treated as murderous traitors… up until they turn out to be murderous traitors.
  • Ingesting multiple body-enchancing drugs is a decent way to discover if you're actually a demigod.
  • Your sister is in a relationship with a demon who starts a fight with another demon in plain view of others to defend her honor, gets beaten up and nearly killed saving her, and has a tearful reconciliation with her several days later? That's not love, that's manipulation!

• Sluggy Freelance:
  • Hanging out with two idiots and a magically obsessed girl and their insane pets, all of whom have endangered your life multiple times, is a sane and normal thing to do. Embrace the insanity. And it's wrong to make money by telling detail-obscured stories of all the times you ALMOST DIED.
  • Only bad guys try to save the whole world. Good guys put their friends first and damn the consequences.

• Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue:
  • Blindly enforcing laws, as well as red tape and protocol is more important than doing the right thing; you can just say you "disagreed" with them to justify it after.
  • Conservatives and Originalists are beleaguered and sensible gentlemen while Liberals and Progressives are tyrants that seek to force things on everyone.
  • Feminists are bitches who get mad when boys open doors for them and spurn guys who are nice to them.
  • Everything's a matter of choice; to hell with sociological factors or circumstances beyond your control! You're depressed? That's because you choose to be depressed.
  • People should shrug aside reality and delude themselves into believing they're something they aren't.

• So... You're a Cartoonist?: Never accept any form of criticism. Your artwork is perfect and anyone that suggest otherwise should be painted as a strawman for you to mercilessly mock.

• Something*Positive:
  • Being an insufferable Jerkass is not deserving of karmic punishment. Thinking you are beautiful, on the other hand, will result in you suffering all the karmic punishment that the rest of the cast deserves.
  • Girls, if you ever find one of you're male friends unconcious, feel free to rape him. Not only will he be totally cool about it, he'll even help you get a cool job working for one of his friends.

• Sonichu:
  • The police exists for the sole purpose of making your life miserable.
  • If people are mean to you on the internet, you can mass murder them, and celebrate a holiday by the declaring a holiday.
  • 14-year-olds should be allowed to model nude.
  • Monitoring people's thoughts for sexual orientations you don't like and charging them with thoughtcrime is morally right.
  • Women only care about shopping and being sexually available to men.
  • I thought this was Warp That Aesop, pretty sure most of the above Aesops were absolutely intended by the author.

• Starslip: Altering time/space for interstellar transportation and maintaining a future collective unconsciousness is wrong! Using it to shack up with historical figures or get together with a girl who said she'd go out with you before she died...sounds OK to me!

• Treading Ground: Being unwilling to have sex with an underage girl makes you a prudish asshole.
  • The same also applies if you don't jump in bed with her the minute she turns eighteen.

• TwoKinds:
  • If two sides are fighting, don't try to understand their reasons, choose the side your girlfriend is on. Also women are useless in all but one thing. Also if you question your gender don't worry someone will come and fix you. Also modesty is wrong.
  • Also redemption is for losers, everyone knows it's your memories that makes you evil, not your actions, just get rid of those.
  • Oh by the way if your girlfriend gets hurt even a little kill massive amount of people, I'm sure she'll be turned on by this.
  • When you discover that your girlfriend may only have a few years left to live, don't try to use your extensive magic knowledge to amend that. Just have sex with her, while you still can.
    • Live in the now man, things like growing old together and love being more than skin deep is for losers, like redemption and taking responsibility for the Evil Army you made and used to start a massive genocidal race war.
    • Refuse to accept that some things are inevitable - even if that refusal will cost you the happiness and/or sanity you have.

• Umlaut House: Marriage is an institution between one bisexual and one non-bisexual. Both under thirty.

• VG Cats: It's okay to not update in months as long as you make a joke about it.

• The Wotch and especially Cheer!: You can only be the true yourself if you're female.
  • You CAN decide for other people's gender.
    • Being a woman is better.

• xkcd:
  • Go ahead, do whatever seems fun and forget about the consequences. You'll likely receive an award.
  • Jokes aren't funny unless they require having a PhD. in physics and an immense knowledge of every sci-fi/fantasy book/movie.

• Yet Another Fantasy Gamer Comic: If you're The Ditz or The Fool, your transgressions will be Easily Forgiven, no matter how seriously you screwed up. (Looking at you, Dewcup...)

• YU+ME: dream : Suicide won't kill you, instead, it'll help you find true love and liberate the denizens of another dimension from a tyrannical overlord. Also, anyone who is straight and cisgender is evil and out to get you.

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