Conversely, go ahead with that Face–Heel Turn: In the event you weren't insane, brainwashed or mentally controlled, you'll be Easily Forgiven anyway. Any stragglers who insist on not forgetting the horrible things you did will be brought in line by everyone else.
Don't worry about dying. As long as you're cool enough, you'll come back.
Young women should give up adventurous and exciting lifestyles, get married to milquetoasts they dated in high school, and become childbearing housewives.
Your mother always knows what's best for you. If someone disagrees and gives a sound argument as to why they disagree, then too bad, The Complainer Is Always Wrong. Remember, mother knows best.
Hey married guys! You are completely justified in:
Pining over your ex-girlfriend from high school at your own wedding.
Pressuring your career-oriented wife into having a child she doesn't want.
Emotionally cheating on your wife, but only as long as it's with the aforementioned ex-girlfriend.
Begging said ex-girlfriend that you want her to wait for you, because you "have no home," even if you're still married. Bonus points if this occurs immediately after rescuing said ex-girlfriend from a rapist.
And if your wife is unhappy with any of this, it's only because she's a shrill harpy. If your wife leaves you, your ex-girlfriend will definitely be there to pick up the slack.
If your boyfriend breaks up with you over an ex-flame, then it's only okay if she's of the same race and cultural background as him.
Coming out of the closet requires that you take the torch to your life before coming out and fully embrace the "gay lifestyle." The Gay Lifestyle apparently consisting of proclaiming your homosexuality at every opportunity.
A young woman's natural reaction to a marriage proposal is "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"
Peanuts: If your "friends" abuse you and give you no respect whatsoever, it's better to stay friends with them because it's better to have friends like that than to have no friends at all.
Garfield: Cats have absolutely no problem digesting lasagna, coffee, or any other human food. The only thing that might be toxic to them are raisins.
Archie Comics: If you've been chasing the same boy for ages, and he barely acknowledges your existence unless he needs homework help, his car fixed, or a rebound date, by all means keep pursuing him. He's bound to choose you over the Rich Bitch someday.
A sure way to keep your girlfriend is to beat the shit out of any guy who so much as asks her for the time. That's not scary at all.
All girls just love dropping everything they're doing to participate in an impromptu beauty contest in bikinis or tight ski suits. They're waiting for you boys to ask them.
Show your students you trust them by allowing your two most clumsy and careless pupils to conduct unsupervised experiments in the chemistry la—BOOOM!!!
The Archie Marries Betty/Archie Marries Veronica side story: Marry The Betty or your life, and the lives of all those connected to you, will suck.
Any story involving Ethel: If you're female and not very good looking, you only exist to be mocked and you'd better get used to it.
Batman: Even though killing that one unimprisonable, homicidal psychopath would save untold numbers of innocent lives, don't do it, because all life is valuable as long as it isn't that of minor characters or innocent civilians, who fucking cares about them? And it's not as if governments have a death penalty for good reasons or anything.
The best way to deal with your parents' deaths is to dress up as a bat and beat people to within an inch of their lives.
All-Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder: The best way to help a boy whose parents have just been murdered before his eyes is to kidnap him from the police who were trying to help him, abuse him verbally and physically, stick him in your dark, spooky lair all alone overnight, and make him catch bats for food. Not only will he not go completely bugfuck insane and/or try to kill himself; he'll be forever grateful and loyal to you.
The main character is always right no matter what.
It's perfectly OK to blame a fifteen year old for their own death. Certainly none of the blame should go to the psychopath who beat him halfway to death and then blew him up or the mum who just stood there looking only mildly perturbed.
Killing criminals is an unforgivable sin. Beating them half to death, using the Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique and violating multiple civil liberties, on the other hand, is fine as long as they're still alive afterwards. Alternatively, feel free to trick goons into killing each other or use them as Human Shields when they shoot at you; it's not you killing them, after all.
Prisons and/or mental asylums should look as spooky and intimidating as possible, regardless of the fact that the point of both is usually to reform the people who end up there. And even if your asylum of choice for the criminally insane you keep running into turns out to have a terrible containment record with holes in security you could drive Optimus Prime through and be staffed by people who are almost as psychopathic as the criminals they're watching over, don't bother taking steps to improve it or hire on staff who actually want to see their patients be cured of their conditions, that would be silly.
It's perfectly okay to be paranoid as fuck and assume that all your friends will turn on you some day. It's also perfectly okay to create contingencies to use against those same friends, even if you end up getting them all almost killed should those contingencies fall into the wrong hands, and to not tell them those things exist. And if they get angry about your blatant breach of trust and the fact you were stupid enough not to guard them better? Just call them a bunch of squares for not being as paranoid as you. And if they decide to hold a vote on whether to kick you out of their friendship circle? Just drop out on your own; they can't fire you if you quit!
Captain America: If a mysterious professor offers to inject your body with steroids to serve your country, do accept. You'll become a bad-ass Super-Soldier fighting for America.
Captain Marvel: Kids, follow mysterious old men into subway tunnels. You'll be rewarded with superpowers!
Civil War: The best thing you can do for your friends and allies who want to fight evil is to throw them into a parallel universe prison that slowly drains them of happiness. They'll thank you, once they sign on to be de facto drafted soldiers for the US Government and assuming they don't go insane from despair and blow their own heads off.
Holy shit! Is that the guy everyone saw die of cancer just a few years ago - SHUT UP AND FIGHT!
Alternately: It doesn't matter how much property you destroy or how many people you hurt and kill as long as you're doing it for the right reasons. Anyone who says differently or tries to stop you from doing this in any way is an evil Fascist.
The best way to prove you don't need government oversight is by declaring open rebellion against the government and attempting to change a legally passed Congressional law by force of arms.
Yeah, screw the Founding Fathers! Bunch of insurrectionists. Who needs that bill of rights shit? Congress is made up of our betters; they should have complete control of an army made up of super-powered slaves.... for the children, of course.
It it okay to arrest a serving US soldier if they say they're not going to enforce a law that isn't even actually a law yet, even if said soldier isn't actually in your Chain of Command and has not received official orders yet.
Conversely on Civil War and in a way Marvel Comics as a whole... Don't bother asking any authority figure on Earth for help...EVER because no one can be trusted. The US Government (as mentioned above) wants nothing but a legion of superhuman slaves most likely to either enslave or kill off a large portion of Ordinary Humans. While the Superheroes post-Civil War now appear to look like Super Dicks who (while they used to keep those thoughts to themselves) would rather slam their heads into a steel wall instead of having to save our sorry asses on a weekly basis.
Satan is awesome! He's behind all the great music that's been produced in the twentieth and twenty-first century and, it appears, behind all the scientists and thinkers who're responsible for the scientific and cultural advances we've made as a species over the years. That God fella, on the other hand, stifles freewill and creativity and controls an army of repressive fanatics and dullards.
Everyone play D&D! It gives you magic!
That goes double for the guys out there, since it's also a good way to meet hot witch chicks!
If you are not a Christian, you will lead a much more interesting life, get to do things other than spreading the Word, and you get cool magic powers! Heck, all of the above is true if you happen to be Catholic, Orthodox, or anything that isn't Evangelical Fundamentalist!
Forgiveness and salvation are both instantaneous and permanent, providing both physical and mental restoration. Once "saved", you will never backslide and sin again! EVER!
Also, once "saved", you are instantly qualified and able to do the same for others.
"Help Me, Jesus" are basically magic words.
To Jesus, fear of Hell is just as good as genuine repentance as a reason to come to Him. And ten times as common!note An Aesop just as broken for the fact that this is a common belief among actual Christians.
If your parents are divorced, that means that don't love you anymore.
There is no hypocrisy or moral dissonance in decrying Catholics as Christian-In-Name-Only heretics, yet embracing one of their central tenets (The Holy Trinity) as absolute truth.
Werewolves and vampires are real!
Deadpool: Being completely batshit insane and hideously mutilated is the only way to be cool. Also, courtesy of Cable, it's OK to be the biggest dick in the universe so long as you happen to be from the future, even if you're basically doing something just to make the US look stupid and get your old girlfriend back. Also, harbouring terrorists: fine. Killing or even imprisoning unstable unrepentant mass murderers: not okay, if they're your friend.
Also, if you're Deadpool it's okay to torture and imprison your friends. Even if you leave him for dead at an evil hideout, Weasel will always love you. Like you. Have Stockholm syndrome for you. You get the idea. Actually, I'm not sure this one isn't supposed to be warped.
Though in-universe, it doesn't matter how much you want to change your ways or how much good you've done- if the good guys think you're too annoying, they'll never forgive you! (Yes, even if they forgave people far, far worse than you).
Earth 2: Good cannot defeat Evil unless Good becomes just as ruthless as Evil.
Empowered: Just because trying to follow your dreams has thus far resulted in nothing but pain, humiliation, and daily brushes with death, rape, and other unpleasantness is no reason for you to give up. Keep trying! It'll feel really good when you finally get it right! ...For about five minutes. Then it's back to getting beat down, tied up, and mocked. But it's totally worth it! Really!
That immense personal victory you achieved? Yeah, nobody cares. Well, maybe your boyfriend, and your best gal-pal that both of you have UST with. But other than that, don't even bother mentioning it.
Said gal-pal should totally move in with you two, by the way. Especially while she's suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder! Hell, why not help her bathe and let her sleep in your bed while you're at it? After all, what's a few mixed messages in a time of severe emotional crisis between friends?
Never let your friends move in with you, even in their times of greatest need.
Your co-workers are assholes. This is an immutable, universal constant. Learn to live with it.
You will meet all the important people in your life while bound, gagged, and wearing skintight fetish gear.
If only because you will spend 90% of your time bound, gagged and wearing skintight fetish gear
The best place to keep Sealed Evil in a Can is on your coffee table, where it will provide surprising sage advice.
Don't worry about anyone trying to take it off your hands, either. The minute you so much as bring it up in conversation, they'll quickly come up with an excuse to make you keep the damn thing.
The likeability/personal value of nearly every creature in your universe may be determined by whether or not they like you. Yep, everyone who dislikes or disrespects you in any way is an asshole of the first order, and many of them deserve to be sodomized to death by a fire elemental who looks suspiciously like Rob Zombie. Funny how it works out that way.
Your super suit's reliabilty varies depending on the degree of your determination/confidence while using it, such as when you had to save the life of your boyfriend; it's ultimate form has only ever appeared at a moment of direst need when you were defending a dear friend. So...given how most of your attempts to defend the public have ended up, one is left to assume you don't care about civilians, or at least aren't as determined about helping them, as your demeanor might otherwise indicate...
Brainwashing yourself is a perfectly valid method of self-improvement, and not at all unhealthy or creepy. At worst, it's just superfluous.
Fables: So you've finally captured the Evil Overlord who drove you out of your homelands, oversaw the rape, torture and murder of untold innocents, and still tried to conquer you in your new home? Great! Offer him citizenship and complete amnesty as long as he promises to behave. By no means should you try him for his atrocities and then execute him or at least imprison him for life.
If you don't forgive the woman who tried to kill and eat you when you were a child, that makes you a bad person, and you'll end up murdering your sister.
If at first you don't succeed, quit. Totenkinder defeated Mister Dark, but he later escaped, and that means she can't fight him again.
Countdown to Final Crisis: Your teammate is forced to make the hard decision to take the life of an Omnicidal Maniac instead of risking just knocking him out trying for a third option (and hoping his mind control over your most powerful member wears off then). Support her? No. Give her the benefit of the doubt even if you think she screwed up. Oh no! Stand up for her when her adoring public suddenly turns on her en masse. Silly Rabbit! You dive on top of the You Suck dogpile! And never EVER offer any suggestions as to what could've been done instead of killing him! Oh, and the teammate who's secret plans and tech got hijacked to make the Maniac's plans nearly come to fruition? Give him a pass. After all, he didn't kill anybody.
Infinite Crisis: And that otherOmnicidal Maniac? The Psychopathic Manchild who's personally destroyed multiple worlds with a smile? Find a way to reason with him. He's mowed down dozens of your teammates and enjoyed every second of it? Find a way to reason with him. Ask your magic users or reality benders to see if they can take him out? That's not reasoning with him, so don't even think of that.
Particularly not if he's shown himself capable of dispatching both magic users and reality benders and surviving anything up to and including the destruction of a universe.
Irredeemable: If you ever make one or two mistakes in your life, everyone will hate you forever. All good work you ever did will be forgotten instantly.
Also being evil is fun.
Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: It's okay to kidnap, torture, and murder people in gruesome ways as well as go on killing sprees in public places, because it's pretty much a given that everyone you kill will be a jerk who makes fun of your hair. Also, you can easily get away with murder if a wall is telling you to paint it with blood, because demons are protecting you from consequences.
"Locke & Key": If the ghost of your possessed teenage sweetheart murders your mother for you, then manages to become corporeal, you totally need to let him stay at your place and help him come up with a new identity and give him false alibis should he happen to murder someone. Because you owe him, remember?
If your father was murdered, your mother raped, and you had to hide with your little brother fearing a similar fate, don't go to a therapist or anything. Just use a magic key to literally take the fear and sadness right out of your head.
Marvel Comics: Tackle homicidal maniacs on your own. Never call for backup.
Correction: Tackle homicidal maniacs on your own. Never call for backup. Except for Wolverine.
This warped Aesop is not just connected to Marvel Comics but nearly every superhero/human related Comic/Tv Show/and or Movie created in the past 20 to 30 years. Any child born with Any superhuman abilities whatsoever (even if their only ability is to bend spoons by squinting as hard as they can.) they will automatically be required to be come a superhero instantly and as such will have absolutely no time for friends, family or even school or a steady paying job as literally All of their awake time will be required to fighting crime and Nothing else because..
1. Any and All forms of police and law enforcement are either far too corrupt or incompetent to catch even the most minor of criminals so its up to Superhumans and Only them to do any real police work.
2. Even though New York in Marvel Comics has literally Hundreds of superpowered vigilantes only the comics Designated Hero and only him/her alone can save or keep the city safe (the fact that 911 in the Marvel Comics universe still happened even though dozens of adequately superabled heroes were around to stop it was simply Handwaved away with several Reed Richards Is Useless explanations).
Basically the entire Aesop is centered around the same logic that as long as any living human as the ability to adequately walk, run, and use their hands regardless of age they should be instantly conscripted into military service almost from birth given a automatic rifle and sent directly into the front lines and stay there until they die either from fighting or old age.
Doctor Doom should be allowed to Take Over the World: He'll make the world a utopia, then get bored and wander off.
Planet Hulk/World War Hulk: Slaves should remain as slaves. If you free them, they'll destroy a city of a million people and start an interplanetary war trying to get revenge.
Don't bother trying to find out whether a group of people actually did the atrocious deed you blame them for — just show up on earth with your gang and beat them into bleeding tatters. And don't listen if they try to explain themselves. You're really really mad now, so that makes everything you do okay.
Robin Series: If two of your best friends, mother, and father have all died, stepmother is in a mental hospital, stepfather is missing, stepsister tried to seduce you into joining her, um, conquest(?) after framing you for murder, and the girlfriend you thought was dead turns out to be alive, then you are being an emo wreck for worrying about the state of the city.
The most you can hope for is to hold the inevitable back; nothing you do will have any lasting effect. Vicious supervillains imprisoned? They'll be out well before their sentence is up, even if they're sealed in a concrete block with coma inducers pumped into their bloodstream. Rampaging monsters cured? It's only temporary. Sadistic sociopath killed by his own weapons? Not only will he have something like a dozen replacements and spin-offs, but eventually he'll be back and end up one of the most powerful men in America, even though everyone knows he's a sadistic sociopath. Oh, and you should be afraid of new clothes — sometimes they turn out to be monsters.
Superman Anything you do with either with or without superpowers to make the world better will either turn you into either a Genocidal Maniac or a universally Omnicidal ball of DOOM since anything you remotely do to stop crimes gives you such a immense rush or feeling of godlike power that either you may try to take over the world or Blow it up at the slightest provocation. Even just the mere act of trying to stop a Abusive Parent from slapping the Crap outta his kid could send you over the edge from law-abiding citizen to superhuman dictator with delusions of grandeur.
Likewise this warped Aesop can be used for any current superman storyline or any other comic story with a superman-like character in it (Watchmen, Miracleman, Squadron Supreme, the list goes on and on...).
Red Son: An Earth completely controlled by a single person is bad, but only if that person happens to be an alien. Total control by a human is fine and will in fact lead to a utopia.
Teen Titans: No matter how experienced the black guy and the cute girl are at leading, the only real leader of any group has to be the white male.
Teen superhero teams are like any teen group - sooner or later, they will be challenged or replaced by another group of teens who are on drugs or have bad role models. Or, in the worst cases, both.
Superpowered teenagers should be isolated from adults and repeatedly placed in deadly situations under the guidance of a mentally unstable acrobat.
Letting groups of teens pick fights with murderous superpowered psychopaths is a great idea, and don't let the shockingly high death rate tell you otherwise!
Wanted: If you plan to relate yourself with a comic book character who is clearly a Villain Protagonist then you are a pathetic waste of human flesh to think that guy is going to be a good guy in the end.
Wonder Woman: The True Amazon: You can cause a massacre over an unrequited crush and still go on to be a role model for women and girls everywhere.
At worst, you'll lose your title as an honorary UN ambassador because people who never read about this part of your life think your boobs are too big.
X-Men: An unregulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of highly unstable people to have and use deadly superpowers shall not be infringed.
...And yet they still also have pro-gun control aesops, because mutant powers don't kill people, guns do.
Are YOU a Holocaust survivor with mutant abilities? Do you look at the way that mutantkind is treated on Earth and see some disparaging similarities to the atrocities you yourself were forced to suffer through? Do you want to use your Freudian Excuse and powers to make changes to the world and make yourself seem sympathetic to humans? Well, make sure you name your organization the "Brotherhood of EVIL Mutants" and just start blowing shit up, they'll accept you for it eventually!
No matter how many times you revert to being a murderous terrorist, you'll always be forgiven.
Minorities should all live on an island off to themselves rather than trying to live with people who aren't their kind.
Are you slightly different from everyone else? You have to either become a terrorist or a student for a school of superheroes, otherwise you will be hunted, hated, and feared and evil robots will try to kill you. Just because.
The only trait that determines your place in society is your genetic code.
Never, ever, ever, ever give up on your bestest friend, no matter what awful shit he pulls. Blowing things up and taking over countries is just how he deals with his decades of mental trauma. It's fine if he becomes a crazed supervillain; you love him so very much that eventually that love will convince him to be a good guy! Usually.
New X-Men (the one written by Craig Kyle): If you're a teacher, the best way to protect your students is to single one out and make her life hell.
X-23 (The eponymous series, not the character): There's nothing wrong with a teenage girl and a man twice her age travelling together.