If you are larger/fatter than average and are generally optimistic, you're an idiot who can't do anything right.
Showing Male nudity is funny. Female nudity on the other hand… TV-MA rating.
Traditional animation is so 20th century.
(Most kids' shows involving school) Any child who happens to be wealthy is nothing but a cruel, greedy, stuck-up brat. Never befriend them, they'd probably end up luring you into a trap to humiliate you.
A - J
Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Episode "Sonic is Running" - Just because you're the hero and your opponent in a presidential election is your archenemy, that makes it okay to sabotage his campaign.
As long as you are cocky and annoying enough, the laws of physics, logic, and common sense will bend to your will.
Looking at the setting and characters of the show, do you think any of those laws even exist anymore?
The "Sonic Says" at the end of the very first episode: - Remember kids, dialing 911 is for real emergencies. And being surrounded by a group of thugs who are about to beat the living hell out of you isn't a real emergency.
Being an insane sociopath is entirely okay, just as long as your not a creepy old guy or evil.
Being an insane sociopath is okay as long as you're hot.
The best way to resolve issues with your father is to seal him in another dimension.
Its perfectly normal to stalk your friends.
Having mercenaries who believe in an unreasonably short statute of limitations capture and guard a dangerous criminal who hasn't deliberately doneanything wrong 'recently' is within the realm of the proper thinking required of a leader of a nation.
Dogs can screw unicorns.
In a hostage situation you should show more sympathy for the terrorist than the hostages.
Being a terrorist gets you what you want.
It's okay to sneak into your friend's house and watch them shower, just as long as you're a hot chick.
Building a frankenstein's monster from the stolen body parts of women who rejected you is okay as long as you're nice to the monster.
If you ever encounter a family of children with various degrees of mental illness being horribly abused by their deranged parent, focus all your energy on rescuing the most "normal" child.
It's okay to insult a person's beliefs, treat an emotionally troubled girl like a science experiment, throw a wedding officiant in jail even after he shows his up-to-date paperwork and accuses you of breaking into his vehicle, and generally never admit that you've made a mistake as long as you're a princess.
Don't bother trying to write that novel; all it will do is distract you from your dead-end job and upset your wife.
The only way to get over a traumatic experience is by going through something far more traumatic.
Its okay to ruin someone's life over a silly bet.
If a kid at school torments you on a daily basis, don't tell your parents, the bully's just having a good time with you and is actually your friend.
If your child/sibling says something to hurt their dad's feelings, it's perfectly acceptable to pelt them with cement and deny them necessities such as food and showering in order to teach them a lesson.
Harboring a dangerous sociopath (who has caused the death and other harm to many other people, often with intent, and never with regret, thinks material possessions are more irreplaceable than people) from your government, thereby keeping him around your family and let him continue being a threat to society is both the logical and right thing to do.
If this sociopath feels the need to have power over life and death, you should give it to him.
Altruism isn't actually favored by evolution at all. There is no reason why this aforementioned sociopath could not be part of an entire species of similar sociopaths, who, instead of destroying themselves, managed to advance enough to develop interstellar travel.
If your business isn't doing so well and you want to collect insurance fraud before you shut down, set the business that is doing well that is next door on fire and let the flames spread to you as to reduce chance of getting caught.
Angela Anaconda: if someone wrongs you, don't bother trying sensible courses of action to deal with it. Instead, you should just devise an elaborate if implausible revenge fantasy. When you return to the real world, karma will bitchslap them into the ground for you, and you won't even have to lift a finger unless it's a special occasion.
The Animals of Farthing Wood: Hey kids! Never, ever go outside, or you'll DIE — outdoors, children die the first, the most, and never with any chance for their parents or any other trusted adults to rescue them!
Animaniacs: It's OK to be a jerk if the person you're being a jerk to is a larger jerk.
Chicken Boo: Any effort to evade prejudice against you is doomed to failure.
Mindy and Buttons: All loyalty will do is get you pulverised on a regular basis and scolded by your Negligent owners.
Slappy Squirrel: Being a senior citizen means you can get away with harming others via explosives.
Catcalling at women is just harmless fun! It's not like they'll find it creepy or threatening in any way.
Katie Ka-Boom: It's OK to overreact about little things that are able to be solved.
Murder is wrong, unless it's a random mook off-screen. In which case, fling them off tall walls to your heart's content.
It is wise to choose love over power, especially when it's at the expense of many countless innocent people. You'll find some other way, and you don't even have to actively work for it.
Or rather love is completely worthless as it's only holding you back from to saving the world.
Climbing into a giant bison's mouth is perfectly safe! It's not like he'd accidentally swallow you or anything.
Not only is it okay to betray someone who loves you, but then later visit them in their prison cell, beg for advice then throw a hissy fit when you don't get it. They'll hug you and forgive you without a moment's thought in the end if you cry enough Manly Tears!
Punch people to show your love for them. It's endearing!
Fraud is both fun and profitable, and anyone who says otherwise is just being an old stick-in-the-mud.
It's OK for 12-year-old kids and only 12-year-old kids to fight on the front lines of a world war.
Killing a man to take his throne is a power grab that will taint your reign, but killing a woman to do the same is A-OK.
Throwing away the sacrifices of thousand, if not tens of thousands, of your countrymen's lives is perfectly acceptable if it's your son that dies this time.
Retiring after a lifetime of imperialist generalship to serve tea to the enemy nobility of the peasantry you tired your best to kill or enslave is in no way tacky.
Back to the Future: If you own two noisy time machines, not only should you show your preteen kids how to operate them, but keep the keys in a place where the kids can easily take them. The space-time continuum can handle it.
Ben 10: Wandering off alone and messing with unknown and strange objects that fell from the sky will make you into a superhero!
Responsible adults like your grandfather won't do everything they can to get a danger magnet of unfathomable power of your wrist, even though he has some knowledge of the dangers you may face. And don't worry about things like serious or fatal injury when fighting crime; your are indestructible and can handle anything, and any damage will go away once you turn back to normal.
It's perfectly acceptable for you to have sexual tension with your cousin. People will think it's cute.
(Oddly Enough) Likewise to that: It's perfectly normal for any child to have a Sibling Rivalry relationship with almost any other child even with other similar aged relatives they rarely ever see. Because all kids do that.....RIGHT??
All aliens are awesome, meanwhile humans don't have any power and suck.
Ben 10: Alien Force: After five years in a harsh and merciless environment, that sociopathic kid who always tried to kill you will have a change of heart and join you when you meet him again for the first time, and eventually become your best friend. Your cousin, who once risked her life to save you from him, will want to hook up with him after just a few days of meeting him again, even though you both know he still takes part in illegal activities. You should fully support this decision.
Suddenly have the main character yell the names of whatever alien he turns into because kids aren't smart enough to remember the names unless they're forcefully burned into their heads!!
You can have a history of being an unbelievably immature idiot, and you'll still be the only one worthy of wearing the most powerful item in the known universe, even more so than your grandfather, who was known as the greatest member of his organization.
Your maturity will ping-pong with the seriousness of the overall story arcs, as will your chances of pissing off your girlfriend and getting cockblocked.
Even though you want to go it alone sometimes, you will still be forced to meet people you don't really want to meet anyway, and even if you start liking them, they will still berate you.
Ben 10: Ultimate Alien: Trying to do the right thing will only end up making things worse.
It's okay for your friends to use their special abilities while playing a game, but you shouldn't because it upsets your over competitive girlfriend.
Turning evil can help you defeat other villains.
Listening to that little voice in your head can suck you into an alternate dimension.
It's okay to kill people to bring back your father. Might as well destroy Kohona, too! What, is Yuri Lowenthal writing the plots now?! You are voicing Ben, not Sasuke!
If you are an immortal blessed with eternal youth thanks to the alien technology of a sword, then you will die in the most abrupt and uncermonious manner without even getting Famous Last Words.
Continent-sized omnipresent Cthulhu-like squids can be slain by sucking them into an alien vacuum.
If the watch that lets you transform into super, even more badass forms of your aliens, by all means, don't exploit it! Instead, think up a couple of transformations and ignore the rest of the possibilities!
If the opening credits showcase all the forms you can turn into, some of which haven't been seen for years, don't even incorporate them into the story so you can let down your eager fans. Instead, turn into Humongousaur for the eleventy-billionth skullfucking time!
The Boondocks: No matter how successful you are, if you're a black man who avoids all negative stereotypes associated to your race, you're a loser who deserves to be mocked and abused.
Furthermore, it doesn't matter if R. Kelly recorded himself peeing on a preteen girl, giving out his Social Security Number. and you're showing it to the jury; if you're a black man married to a white woman, you have no credibility whatsoever because apparently you're a racist hater.
Likewise, a strong Fan Dumb is a good thing as they will proudly let you get away with any crime. Also, it is A-OK to engage in sexual activities with an underage girl so long as it is consensual. At least, that what the aforementioned Fan Dumb will say.
Always be disappointed with everything because even if you see a genuine wrong in the system, public, or family and friends and manage to successfully correct it all that means is that now either the problem is the same only more well hidden or another worse problem has arisen and cannot be easily seen so the cycle of having to correct the problem is most likely never ending.
Captain Planet: Kids, all large corporations are run by scumbags who pollute not just to make money but for fun and the only way to stop them is through vigilante action, because cops are worthless and the lady who claims to be a pagan goddess tells you so.
Conversely, if you're a giant corporation, you should pollute as much as possible because the odds are those people will be after you anyway and pollution is the only thing that weakens your magical nemesis and, thus, your only hope of running a successful business.
Conversely even with that, all polluters are polluting not because they're greedy or stupid but in some reality are all long term OmnicidalManiacs that are actively trying to kill all forms of life on Earth and leave nothing not even buildings standing or water left in the oceans and if they had their way would gladly personally put 2 bullets in the brains of the last Adam and Eve Couple left on Earth so they could go spend all their ill gotten monetary gains.....Where exactly??
Just because you're a goddess doesn't mean you shouldn't put kids at risk to teach them aesops about pollution.
Pollution is wrong unless we, the studio, are doing it.
Tired of not being taken seriously because you're African, Russian, Japanese or South American? Stick a White American kid in the group and that way you'll always be right because White Americans are just that stupid! Whoever heard of being right on your own merits anyway, that's just silly.
If you have a pollution-free, solar-powered airplane, the best way to use it for the good of Earth is not to market the technology, but keep only one prototype and use it to ferry a bunch of adolescents around beating up the same few rich eccentrics week after week.
Eco-Terrorism is always the answer! Remember, kids; Green Peace are pussies.
No company pollutes by accident. Every company that's doing it is run by a Card Carrying Villian who's doing it for the Evlulz. Also AIDS scares are a plot by rat people to take over the world. OF COURSE!
Even if your the chosen one, you cant actually do anything to help the planet. All you can do to help is summon a super hero with a bad haircut who will fix all your problems. Trying to do anything on your own or with a group of other people will fail and likely put you in danger.
Said superhero can easily by stopped by some litter on the floor, a natural resource spilling in the sea or Hitler staring at him.
If you have a power that lets you charm or command people, and control/befriend animals into doing your bidding, use it the least effective and limited ways possible so that people can continue to bitch about how lame it is.
Smoking weed will cause you to have terrifying hallucinations, and will turn into a zombie when you get older.
Codename: Kids Next Door: If adults and teenagers are putting restrictions on the things you can do and being unfair about it, it is only because they are evil and plotting to take over the world. Don't listen to a word they say.
Danny Phantom: "Hey, kids! Going into the dangerous and highly unpredictable inter-dimensional portal your Mad Scientist parents built will give you superpowers!"
Hurt the enviroment and your girlfriend will cosplay as Poison Ivy.
Hey Kids!! It's better to just eat anything else natural on the ground like Mud, weeds, and grass instead of Any other naturally edible thing on the entire Earth (this includes fruits and vegetables) because even pulling a potato out of the ground or picking a apple from a tree is the same as torture and murder.
The epic one: "If you cheat some stupid exam, your family will die, and you'll bring The End of the World as We Know It!!!" And it's your fault, not the Jerk AssSadistic Teacher's fault, even though he called your family to a dangerous, bombed place to make a scene and accuse you with no proof or logic, and he was right to do so! Also, said stupid exam will determine the REST OF YOUR LIFE, and you will be a complete loser, working on a lunch shop if you fail, in spite of the fact you're 14 years old and still in high school!
Dan Vs.: Revenge is often (but not always) hollow and fleeting... So make sure you keep finding new things to get even with when the buzz starts to wear off. After all, it's not like you or your friends have anything better to do. And if your friends say they do have something better to do, their priorities are obviously skewed. Drag them into your petty, convoluted schemes anyways.
You're always justified as long as the other guy started it.
Daria: Being a Jerk Ass to everyone who isn't as smart as you and your small circle of friends is the best way to get through high school, even if those people have never said or done anything bad to you.
Dora the Explorer: The best way to get anyone to listen to you (even when they're inside the TV) is to scream louder. Louder!LOUDER!!!note Sadly, this really is the aesop that this troper's niece gets from the show.
Dexter's Laboratory: It's perfectly okay for you to ruin your little brother's experiments. Now, if he ruins your stuff. He'll get sent to the doghouse. If he gets curious then your destruction is justified.
Doug: It is perfectly okay for one person to own almost everything in your town, and for his child to get whatever she wants because of it.
The Dreamstone: Dreams are the most important thing in the world, more so than an entire race's well being against a demonic tyrant. In fact, be sure to exacerbate their problem just on the principal of that.
Isn't that both intended and what young boys think? Try on: Mindless obedience to authority figures is the only way to avoid disaster, unless You Suck so much that you can't even do that right!
Aesop of the above justification: Boys should be encouraged to believe Girls Have Cooties! Why bother trying to correct kids on something they believe in the first place, no matter how wrong and insulting it is?
Ed, Edd n Eddy: "Your Ed Here." It's okay to make fun of someone as long as someone takes the cake for you.
(same episode above) Instead of taking good advice from your friend, just harm him the same way someone harmed you.
Repeatedly kidnapping your crush and force-kissing them is the best way to show your love to them.
Don't bother being nice to people, you will always share the blame with the guy you befriended, even if you haven't done anything wrong. Or he hasn't done anything wrong.
If you live in a trailer, you are either a pervert or a sociopath.
If a guy is Camp Straight, he deserves all of the bullying he gets, and is a terrible person for hating his tormentors.
If your older brother is stupid, he deserves to be bullied and treated like dirt all the time, no matter how many times he tried to be nice to you.
Accept your lot in life or you will endanger the world.
Actually the main warped aesop should be: Never even try to improve yourself either personally or socially nor should you have anyone else even remotely try to help you improve yourself. Because if you do any even small speck of whatever made you happy or better in the first place will be automatically Ripped away from you and/or any attempt in improvement will almost always lead to excessive Disproportionate Retribution via either a Fantastic or Space Whale Aesop that not only will effect you but possibly the entire world right along with you. So you should really just accept both yourself and the world around you even if the world around consists of mostly extreme Physical and Mental abuse from people who aren't even related to you. For the Real lesson is that life (even your own) is not to be changed but simply endured and by enduring it will you become a better person later in life....Wow that kinda sounds like Extreme Buddhism actually.
Racism is always correct and the people you are racist against will act the way you think they will.
Getting bullied by an Evil Babysitter is OK because you can keep your magical friends.
Being miserable gets you fairies and you shouldn't try to end your misery.
Slavery is acceptable if it's human on genie since genies are tricky, evil and have good singing voices.
You can do anything if you're The Ditz and you won't get punished.
Insulting the Token Girl is OK if you are a main character.
Don't try to achieve your freedom if you are a minority
If your true love becomes attractive and you develop feelings for her you didn't think you had before, she is definitely gonna be willing to forgive you for all the crap you put her through when you didn't find her attractive.
And let's not forget, even if your parents are neglectful or borderline abusive, you WILL NOT show them the slightest disrespect and if you do, you're a bad kid!
More like "always respect your elders even though they are jerks to you."
Not thanking your friends for the things they do is horrible and you're a jerk for not doing it. However, wanting thanks and a little recognition for the things you do makes you selfish.
And let's not forget; don't be generous at Christmas to your friends, or anyone else, because you're muscling in on Santa Claus territory, at least according to Merry Wishmas and A Fairly Odd Christmas.
"Love Stuck!" Heterosexual relationships are the only OTP.
If your idiot husband decides to take a vow of chastity, don't bother talking it over with him. Just rape him. Also, abstinence is bad because people will do stupid things because they don't understand it.
Religion is the only thing keeping mankind from progressing.
Feel free to hand out weed by the truckload in public. As long as you have a catchy tune, you'll get off scot-free. Heck, you might even get it legalized.
It is perfectly okay to hold the town mayor at gunpoint because your cousin can't get married to his boyfriend. Under no circumstances should they just head a few states over to Vermont and get hitched there.
It's also okay when one of them is a possibly illegal immigrant who can't speak English, the one trying to marry him is a dog that doesn't speak his language, and their relationship is based entirely around sex.
Despite the fact that, in this universe, imaginary friends are living, breathing, self-aware creatures just as intelligent as humans, it's perfectly acceptable to dump them on the streets to fend for themselves once you bore of them.
Or come of age, whichever comes first.
Futurama: You Suck and the only way to gain any friends is to time travel to the future.
If you make a monkey smart with a hat and your afraid he’ll run off, break his legs.
Also if you don't even try to go somewhere even remotely more interesting then where you live now you'll be there for the rest of your life where you wind up with no real friends or family and either they'll just ending up hating more over the decades, or simply abandon you leaving you Forever Alone with no hope of interacting with another kind living human being for the rest of your natural life.
The Beast with a Billion Backs: If your rapist proposes to you with a pretty diamond ring, marrying them is the right thing to do. After all, they've apologized.
A romantic relationship can only work between one man and one woman.
Into the Wild Green Yonder: All living species must be protected from extinction at all costs. Except the Always Chaotic Evil one that is the cause of extinctions in the first place. That one can be obliterated without a second thought, even when it poses no physical harm to anyone.
And introducing uncounted trillions of random species from different planets into a single ecosystem will result in a perfectly balanced ecology. Even if those species died out for good reasons.
There's nothing wrong with murder. Just as long as Bender gets to "wet his beak".
If there's a possible romance between a sweet but functionally useless person and an amazingly capable but insecure person, people on both sides will take exception to it.
Gargoyles: If you try to reach out to people, they will attempt to kill you in cold blood.
Revenge is a horrible cycle that will haunt you for your entire life. So make sure to never leave anyone alive!
The Godzilla Power Hour: "Don't bother trying to solve problems for yourself. Just get the giant monster to do it for you."
Gumby episode "Pigeon in a Plum Tree": Be a blithering idiot who constantly takes credit for other people's good ideas, and everything will somehow work out in your favor.
If any part of the Earth is in danger, don't send in troops, don't send in the FBI or the authorities, send in...a teenage girl, then everything will end up okay!
King of the Hill: Hank is supposed to be who you should really be. You will always be right, no matter what happens!
Likewise-"If you're a college-age female, don't bother to work hard to fulfill your dreams or try to avoid being like the rest of your trailer-trash family. Instead, just marry the local hillbilly and you'll be perfectly happy."
In a disaster put a complete dope in charge of the shelter.
Anything new and different is evil. The best thing to do is to embrace traditional values!
Conversely with that: Accept everything that is new even if what is "new" is sold/operated/controlled by borderline Jerk Asses who are doing those new things for at times their own greedy needs.
You can be a Spanish teacher without knowing how to speak the language because White Texans are just that Dumb and/or gullible!
Likewise, accidentally kidnapped a little girl when you were taking your students down to Mexico for a field trip? Don't worry, just say some random words in Spanish and they'll let you go free! It's not like there's other evidence to look at.
Tradition is always important. Even when it involves entertaining people by being beaten to a pulp!
Dogs are the only pet to have! Anything else will just make you miserable!
Hey, ya know that snake your cousin's husband spent a lot of money on and got you for a pet? If it escapes, the best thing to do is to cause a city-wide panic over it and then kill it in the most inhumane and painful way possible.
It's okay to cheat on your husband/wife. They're too stupid to notice the baby looks nothing like him and that you clearly have a sexual attraction towards the attractive man/woman you've known for years!
Anyone who is into Tarot cards, Dungeons & Dragons, or has a general interest in witchcraft in general will force you to drink dog's blood.
Likewise, nerds are weirdos and you should never make friends with them.
Likewise with that, If you try to make friends with anyone with dramatically different personal activities then you, all you get is a lifetime of misery and extreme abuse from others by just being around them.
Christianity isn't about how you act towards your fellow man, it's about where you sit in church.
It's okay to stage a lie to dissuade your son from taking an interest in an unsavory but necessary job that actually pays pretty well. Pooper scooper? That doesn't have the glamour of selling propane and propane accessories!
Kiwi! You will never reach your dreams, they are just sad, sad illusions hiding the fact that you are about to hit the ground. Or maybe that is the real Aesop...
Only commit suicide if you can do it in an awesome way.
Or... if your dreams are impossible to achieve, make a cheap imitation of them in the most self-destructive way possible.
In a pinch, annoying younger siblings will always prove themselves useful.
Most high school nerds are supergenius scientists, on par with the greatest minds at NASA.
Phineas and Ferb: Trying to stop your brothers from doing dangerous and potentially harmful/inappropriate things is wrong and means you want to eradicate their imagination.
On the other side of the coin, if you have the ability to build gigantic constructs that could revolutionize humanity all within a summer afternoon, doing so is unsafe and therefore BAD.
Go ahead and do whatever you want, ignore the rules, put your loved ones (and many innocent bystanders) in serious danger of getting maimed or killed, just so you can have a good time. It's okay, you won't get in trouble for any of it.
Popeye: Anabolic steroids are illegal, and you should never use them. Eating spinach, despite causing the same effect, is A-OK, because, you know, it's a vegetable!** Or rather, ahem, an HERBAL SUPPLEMENT. (Back when Popeye was first created, "Spinach" was slang for good old marijuana—which was obviously associated with sailors by way of hemp rope, and believed, erroneously, to make you into a deranged berserker with superhuman strength.)
If your girlfriend will constantly lust after your mortal enemy and dump you at the drop of a hat, you should always forgive her, but only after pummeling your enemy to a pulp first.
The Powerpuff Girls episode "The Rowdyruff Boys": Hey, young girls! Boys are evil sociopaths who will do nothing but try to kill you, and the only way to get rid of them is to kiss them. Don't be afraid to use your sexuality to get what you want, even if you're underage!
Episode "Mime For A Change": Criminals should be beaten to a bloody pulp as punishment for their crimes upon apprehension, even when they're not so much as resisting arrest. Also, doing bad things is always punishable, even if the perpetrator didn't do them under his own volition.
"Speed Demon": Never take a holiday/vacation. Ever! Being away from your home for several days will result in everyone you've ever known and loved suffering or Dead, and the evil people in the world will win. Or, if you're really unlucky the devil will take over your city!
"Equal Fights": All feminists hate men and are only trying to use feminism as an excuse to get away with their crimes.
The Proud Family: If you have fake friends, never dump them. Keep hanging with them and always act surprised when they betray you.
ReBoot: Kids at home, you should not play video games. They literally are Murder Simulators. Countless civilians are killed with each game won. Great Gamers are Mass Murderers. Boy I must sound like Jack Thompson right now.
Regular Show: If you work hard you can get what you want out of life. However, you'll be too tired by then to enjoy it.
Any problem, no matter how absurd or insane, can be solved by asking the old guy whom you work with for help.
"Think Positive" might be the champion for this show. It goes along the lines of: "It's okay to yell at people, because if you don't, you'll destroy everything and everyone around you." To some, this may double as a Broken Aesop.
"It's Time": You're obligated to drop anything you've previously had planned if your friend wants to do something with you.
Recess: ("Bonky Fever" episode) You're not allowed to enjoy something aimed at younger kids. note Sadly, that might be the actual Aesop.
From "The Bet": If you win a game, you can be an incredible jerk to those who have lost.
Rugrats: Parents, go ahead and leave naive toddlers unattended in large places such as malls and plant nurseries. Even though they don't understand the nature of their surroundings, they're still resourceful and lucky enough to avoid any bad outcomes.
The famous sexual harassment PSA: Yes kids, if you've been molested just go to your "parents, teacher, doctor, counselor, minister or rabbi" for help, even though chances are at least one of these people is the molester themselves.
The Simpsons : You can be a stupid, childish, obnoxious jerkass who abuses his kids, and takes no notice of your wife, but you won't be dumped unless you cause a huge dome to go over your city. Even that can be fixed.
Feel free to be an arrogant, narcissistic, self righteous bitch who severely overestimates her intelligence as long as some of your ideas are correct.
If you're a wife and mother, stay in the kitchen, as any attempt from your part to get a job or even a hobby will end in catastrophe.
Want to look like you're in your 30s even when you're in your 60s? Follow every law of The Bible to the letter (and even make up a few letters of your own), never make any impulsive decisions, and become so predictable it's like people can see into your future.
If food at a supermarket has a toothpick in it, it's free.
If you have an evil archnemesis bend on stealing your secret formula for delicious burgers, you are justified to use self-defense in protecting that secret... as well as making it your life's goal to not only make sure he doesn't get a single customer if its actually legit business (Plankton's Regular, The Chum Caverns) but also to scare and harass him to the point of suicide by pretending to be a monster (read: whale) that can eat him (One Coarse Meal).
"Just One Bite": No one likes individual opinions. No one.
In another perspective, no one HAS individual opinions, anyone who does are just misinformed.
Also, it's perfectly fine to debase yourself for food, no matter how disgusting, your colleagues will happily agree you should.
Also also, gluttony is not a sin. It's the social norm. But watch those thighs, they'll explode.
"Can You Spare a Dime?": You should never leave your crappy minimum wage job and overbearing paranoid boss. If you try to live out your dreams, you'll inevitably become homeless.
"Dumped": If you have a cookie in your pocket, you'll gain friends instantly.
"Pickles": In the midst of customer complaints, it's a safe bet to check under their tongues first because they're obviously part of a scheme to get you fired from your job. It's common courtesy.
"Procrastination": Have a paper to write? Don't bother with it. It's not like the teacher will collect it or anything.
"Pre-Hibernation Week": Comfort zones exist for a reason. Anyone who wants to push you out of them only want you dead.
"Chocolate with Nuts": If you come up with a good enough lie, people will eat anything.
"F.U.N.": Any positive change in someone's personality is a fabricated lie. It's especially the best to ignore them if they want to hang out with you.
"Struck in the Wringer": Crying solve your problem!
Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Is the apprentice to whom you are a mentor, commanding officer and a father figure giving you back talk, undermining your authority, charging into battle without listening to you or just plain blatantly disobeying your direct orders? Don't discipline her! She is always, always, always, absolutely right in every conceivable way and you're a jerk for doubting her!
The nerd's place in life is to suffer under the heels of his betters. Any attempts to upset this balance will only end in disaster.
Promise people a party and they'll cheat to help you win!
Girl trying to get into a Guy's pants, even though he doesn't like her and she's too ignorant to know?, Wrong!. Guy trying to get into a Girl's pants, even though she doesn't like him and he knows that she doesn't like him that way?, Right!
If you stop being bitchy and actually be nice to the girl you accused of stealing your boyfriend.... they will make out behind your back after all.
You know that crazy Stalker with a Crush that obsessively wanted to marry you? Don't bother with restraining orders! Just tell her you want to be her best friend and everything will be A-OK!
Alternately: That cute guy whom you have a crush on? Yeah, just obsess over him to the point of stalking and he'll eventually give in...somewhat.
Anyone who plays to his/her advantage in a competitive gameshow deserves to be struck by karma.
Never fall in love. If you fall in love, chances are you'll simply get your heart stomped on and crushed brutally.
The only person who could ever love a fat guy (no matter how nice said fat guy is) is someone who is completely and utterly insane.
Homeschooled kids are losers.
Also, homeschooling is ineffective at teaching social skills. If you try it, your kid will become a sexist and an outcast.
If the girl of your dreams chooses another, don't move on, punch out the S.O.B. who stole her from you!
A one-in-15-or-22 chance at winning a large cash prize is totally worth having to endure mind-grueling, disgusting, body-taxing, possibly fatal challenges at the hands of a sadistic Reality Show host, even if those challenges include diving of a 1000 ft. cliff into what is believed to be a safe spot in shark-infested waters, or scaling a active volcano.
If things don't go your way, whine about it and throw tantrums. Also, always threaten to sue to get what you want.
ROTF: Even if you have a smoking hot girlfriend that wants to be with you always and a cool car that can turn into a robot, none of that matters as long as you leave them behind and go to college to study astronomy.
When a conflict you have nothing to do with suddenly drops onto your world, your only hope for survival is to immediately run to the less aggressive side of the war and beg them for protection.
Twas The Night Before Christmas: Don't bother trying to discover how the world around you works. It's much better to just make shit up and pass it off as the truth. Become upset with anyone who no longer believes, because anyone trying to seek the truth is a troublemaker who's too smart for their own good.
Venture Brothers has already reached the Warping Event Horizon on its own, no further warping is possible.
Actually the main warped aseops in this show can be explained..
1. No matter what you do in life (earn a masters degree in college, gain super powers, invent gadgets beyond anything in Real Life science) you will never get any real respect from anyone...Ever and will continue to be treated as a failure. Also you may never get any real money earning jobs from your achievement(s) either.
2. Any wrong you may have done at any point in your life (Including Infancy) will eat at you to the point of mentally or socially effecting you and will not go away until you come clean with what you did. And even then even if you tell anyone about it they might not make you feel better about or they'll make it worse.
Xiaolin Showdown: It's perfectly okay to take preteens from their families to a remote temple in China and teach them martial arts.
It is equally okay to send these same kids out to fight the forces of evil all around the world, even after only a day or so of training.
If the enemy is annoying enough, it is perfectly acceptable to beat them up for fun. Trying to befriend them is crazy. Even if they sincerely turn good, they should be rejected. Feel free to call it "your hobby." Stealing their clothes and ripping out their hair is also A-Okay! If magical means turn them into the epitome of good, they will be even more annoying then before and you should change them back so you won't feel even the smallest hint of guilt as you continue to beat them up.
If you're billed as the main character, you're notThe Chosen One. That's because you look like Krillin and therefore share the same luck as him. And if you can't handle the truth, mess with magical artifacts that either turn you evil or freeze you for 85 years!
If you ever learn how to rid the world of evil permanently, you should never do it. If you do, it will turn out that an evil person was actually manipulating you into destroying goodness forever instead.
Legumes are evil incarnate.
X-Men: Evolution: Remember guys, if you suddenly develop a crush on a girl, act like a creepy jealous stalker, try to reveal their biggest secret, nearly get them killed from a riot YOU caused and then save them at the last minute, they'll forget everything you did and start dating you.
Alternatively, If someone whose like a little sister to you starts dating someone you know is bad news, and has tried to kill you and her in the past, show them nothing but trust and kindness, even when they act as suspicious or lazy as possible, because otherwise people will think you're a bossy jerk who needs to die.
Don't get torn between two guys, people will think you're a WHORE!
Act as sociopathic and egocentric as possible, and date multiple girls at the same time, people will think you're hot for it.
Don't have a stupid haircut or a rivalry with someone who betrayed you beyond reason, people will think you're a complete idiot.
If you're a bullying jerk, pretend to be nice to get a girlfriend, maybe do one or two good deeds, women will forget/deny you were anything but a perfectly pure cutie who just got misunderstood.
If you have a talent that others don't, do not try to test it to its full potential, giant, bloodthirsty reptiles from HELL will come to eat your face.