General:
- In general: Grown-ups are far too overzealous to properly handle any problem in current events. Their kids are far more capable of properly analyzing the situation and solving it (well, most of them).
- It's good parenting to ground your meek, Ambiguously Gay son for even the slightest infraction.
- Child abuse is hilarious!
- Liberals are idiotic and short-sighted people. Why? Because they give a shit and actually want to make the world better.
- Conservatives who give a shit and want to make the world a better place are also no different. The worst crime you can commit? Giving a shit and not just telling everyone else to screw off and enjoy your own life as you got yours.
- Bottom line: Caring about things is for extremists and buffoons, so accept that life will suck and that the world will eventually end, so nothing really matters! Leaning to one side makes you a brainwashed psycho who's just as bad as what you're fighting against. Lean to the left? You're a smug-spewing pseudo-intellectual who'll cause more damage than the problem you're trying to stop. Lean to the right? You're a money-grubbing bigot.
- Make sure you give a few potshots at the right and you'll make fun of everyone equally.
- Antisemitism, racism, sexism, ableism, etc are FUNNY!
- The world is owned by the Lethally Stupid. The rest of us just live here.
- The education system in Colorado is so lenient that racist, sex-obsessed lunatics can teach impressionable young children.
- Also, the Board of Studies is okay with teachers substituting actual education subjects with popular news gossip.
- Also, a pure evil student who makes no attempt to hide his criminal record, and terrorizes the students and teachers alike, will not be sent out of district to a behavioral school.
- Poor people tend to live in clusters.
- You can use the word "fireman" as a substitute for the word "penis".
- Scott Baio has a tendency to give a person pinkeye.
- There are no stupid questions; just stupid people.
- It doesn't matter how much of a good or bad person you've been in your life, the only way to end up in Heaven is to convert to Mormonism.
- Pandering to Leftists and Rightists is bad. Pandering to Centrists is a-ok.
Specific episodes:
Season 3
- "Rainforest Schmainforest": Fuck the ecosystem and terraform the entire world for humanity's convenience. It's not like having some common sense or staying the hell out of it is an option.
- "Sexual Harassment Panda": Never report sexual harassment. You'll wreck the economy and potentially form an Orwellian state where only the lawyers have any income.
- "Chinpokomon": Watch out for those dang "Pokemans" your children like, it's actually a recruiting tool by the Japanese government to recruit American children to spark a war between Japan and America!
- “Red Hot Catholic Love”: you shouldn’t trust the Vatican and the pope and whatever they preach because they are all a bunch of child molesting nut jobs and worship a Queen spider and allow aliens to be in their church.
- Shoving food up your butt and defecating out of your mouth is a very healthy thing to because it helps your stomach break down food more efficiently and eliminate all the cholesterol. By doing this, you will solve the world’s problems of heart disease and stomach cancer.
Season 7
- "Christian Rock Hard":
- Don't pirate music, or Lars Ulrich won't get his gold-plated shark tank bar for a few more months. WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF LARS ULRICH!?
- It is a-okay to profit off of an entire religion by taking love songs and re-recording them with the lyrics recontextualized to sound religious.
- Christian Rock fans are morons.
Season 8
- "Douche and Turd":
- Not participating in a mock-election is worse than murder.
- If you don't participate in every election put before you (even one between two immaturely designed school mascots), you have no appreciation for democracy and deserve an archaic banishment, even if you're just eight years old.
- META: The US Presidential Election is just as much of a trivial waste of time as an election between two crudely-designed school mascots. Not only does your vote not count, but both candidates in every election are always equally bad. It is completely impossible for any one candidate to be preferable to – or even different from – the other in any possible way, and anyone who does pick a side in an election is an extremist lunatic who will kill anyone who disagrees. Embrace the Golden Mean Fallacy, as it makes you smarter and more special than everyone else in the entire world!
- “Ginger Kids”: It is okay to break into other people’s homes during the night to change said resident’s appearance while he is asleep as long as said person has offended a certain group with bigotry such as discriminating against ginger kids in a school presentation.
Season 11
- "With Apologies to Jesse Jackson":
- You can be forgiven of saying a racist slur if you apologize to Jesse Jackson.
- Don't worry if your moronic father says the N-word live on national television, it's no big deal!
- "Cartman Sucks":
- You can do it with all the guys you want, but the moment your kids start exhibiting non-heteronormative behavior, suddenly it's a bad thing!
- Christian Fundementalists would rather drive children to suicide than let them be gay.
- "Le Petit Tourette": It's fun to fake having Tourette's Syndrome to get away with saying offensive things, until you begin accidentally blurting out your deepest, darkest secrets as if you actually had Tourette's.
- “The China Probrem”: If a movie director does not give you want you want in a movie then you should treat said director like a criminal who is no different from a rapist and have said director arrested.
- “Breast Cancer Show Ever”: Beating other kids up on school grounds is good if said kids make fun of you and insult you and mock serious issues such as breast cancer. Also, trying to get out of a fight if someone threatens you with one is morally wrong.
Season 13
- "The Ring": Mickey Mouse will personally try to fuck you up if you interfere with Disney's money-making schemes.
- "Dead Celebrities": Look at all those stupid celebrities who died! It's so funny to mock their deaths, especially since it will never happen to us!
- “Humancenti Pad: Always read the terms and conditions of any given product very thoroughly even if these terms are overly bloated and take hours to completely read through. There is a chance that these terms include something in the fine print that allows the companies to kidnap you and use you as a guinea pig for their more inhumane products.
- "Ass Burgers": Asperger Syndrome is nothing more than a front formed by socially-inept basket-cases to make it seem as if everyone else has a problem. If you know a person who seems gloomy and unsociable, they're just conspiracy nuts and totally not impaired in any way. Cynicism and negativity are synonymous with Aspergers Syndrome.
Season 17
- "The Hobbit": You're a douchebag for trying to make people accept themselves for who they are without photoshopping themselves.
- "#Rehash" and "#HappyHolograms": Spending all your time sitting in front of the computer is bad… because you should be spending all that time sitting in front of the TV instead!
- "Safe Space": Telling people not to be assholes is the same as denying reality.
- Also: Cyberbulling and body-shaming are no big deal and anyone who says otherwise either has an ego problem or is just whiny. They should worry about real issues, like children in Third World nations or worse, being called a bigot.
Season 20
- ''Member Berries'': If you've ever experience feelings of nostalgia, chances are you're a white supremacist.
- Alternatively: white supremacists are just harmless idiots whose bigotry is a minor byproduct of the real problem: overzealous nostalgia for pop culture from the 80s and 90s!
- If a sequel or remake shares any similarities with its source material – even if those similarities amount to just a handful of basic plot elements to which you’d have to be paying close attention in order to notice – then the new movie is a shameless, plagiarized rehash that deserves to be endlessly nitpicked long after it stopped being relevant. What’s that? The vast majority of critics and audiences actually enjoy the new movie for what it is and don’t consider it to be a carbon-copy of the source material? Well then, obviously, those people are mindless sheep who have been brainwashed by their nostalgia for the original movie.
- If it's a new thing based on an old thing, it automatically qualifies as a reboot even if, technically speaking, it's actually a sequel.
- All sequels, remakes, reboots, and adaptations are shameless, inferior knockoffs that exist only to profit off nostalgia for the source material and are completely lacking in anything remotely resembling quality or entertainment value.
Season 22
- "Dead Kids": Men would rather whine about their wive's periods and make it about themselves rather than actually listen to their wives.
Specials
- "Post COVID: The Return of COVID":
- Some people are too far gone to be helped. There's nothing that could change the path they're on, and if they end up doing nothing with their lives, you shouldn't feel sorry for them.
- Weed can't solve all your problems, but 'tegridy can.
- You should travel back in time to undo your mistakes. Owning up to them and moving on is for pussies. (See also: Family Guy, The Butterfly Effect, Deadpool 2, and Avengers: Endgame.)
- What the world really needs is more druggs and less Rabbis, that`s the key to a better future!
Season 26
- "DikinBaus Hot Dogs": Children who don't bust their asses doing labor-intensive work every hour of the day must be spoilt little tubs of lard or gutter-dwelling freeloaders. No middle ground on this one.
