Warp That Aesop / The Simpsons

Warped aesops for The Simpsons.

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• You can be a stupid, childish, obnoxious jerkass who abuses his kids, and takes no notice of your wife, but you won't be dumped unless you cause a huge dome to go over your city. Even that can be fixed.
• Feel free to be an arrogant, narcissistic, self righteous bitch who severely overestimates her intelligence as long as some of your ideas are correct.
• If you're a wife and mother, Stay in the Kitchen, as any attempt from your part to get a job or even a hobby will end in catastrophe.
• Never (and this applies to a lot of shows out there) try to change your job, attitude, eating/drinking habits, religion, marital status or any aspect of your life, because nobody likes it when you change for any reason.
• Want to look like you're in your 30s even when you're in your 60s? Follow every law of The Bible to the letter (and even make up a few letters of your own), never make any impulsive decisions, and become so predictable it's like people can see into your future.
• Speaking of extending life, you can become immortal by feeling emotions very strongly, especially the negative ones.
• If food at a supermarket has a toothpick in it, it's free.
• The Soapbox Sadie/Granola Girl is never wrong.
• The only way to punish a bratty child is to strangle him; if you don't strangle him, he will become a bully of the worst kind.
• The Fundamentalist and the most religiously fanatic will not only be successful, he will also be attractive that Even the Guys Want Him. He is also talented in almost everything, athletic, intelligent and he is always an all around better person than his less pious neighbor. Because of all this, any loneliness he suffers must be worth it.
• If you have a child who's responsible, mature and reasonable, and another who's a insolent, immature tyke, you should always treat the former better, even when her actions are completely unjustified and unfair.
• "Homer's Enemy":
  • If somebody is being a Jerkass to you out of jealousy that your life is better than his, it's your own fault for having a better life than said person.
  • A grown man is a valid participant in a contest made for children.
  • There's always a rat living inside of a coffee vending machine.
  • Going into space is a common occurrence.
  • If you're worried about safety in a factory, just ditch any and all physical warning signs, then you'll have nothing more troubling you.
  • An apartment between two bowling alleys is considered viable living quarters.
  • Dogs make for great vice presidents.
• If you want to let someone know that a character is more useful or interesting than they look, you might want to give them the power of speech first.
• Almost engaging in a sexual tryst with a bowling instructor you're already having an emotional affair with is not cheating, not worth admitting to or being called out on, but being photographed dancing with a stripper at a bachelor party is both considered cheating and worthy of being thrown out of your home for.
• Viewing your employees on closed circuit television brandishing a shotgun and staging a cockfight only deserve apathy or to be called noodle-heads, but viewing them eating doughnuts and sleeping on company time is worthy of termination.
• "Bart Gets an F": Failure Is the Only Option, so don't even bother trying to pass.
• "Bart's Dog Gets an F": Luxury shoes are the most important thing in the world, and you should get rid of anyone who ruins your pair.
• The three sentences that will get you through life are "Cover for me.", "Oh, good idea, boss." and "It was like that when I got here."
• Nobody ever suspects the butterfly.
• "Homer Badman":
  • Your tears say more than real evidence ever could.
  • V8 juice isn't 1/8th gasoline.
  • Lyndon Johnson never provided the voice of Yosemite Sam.
  • Bullets do not bounce off of fat guys.
  • Videotaping other couples in their cars while they are in intimate moments is perfectly acceptable.
  • All people from the country of Scotland are inherently peeping toms.
  • American Universities are not "hot beds" of anything.
  • The Fox channel "bug" can see inside of your home.
  • Ted Koppel is a robot.
  • Sleeping nude in an oxygen tent will give you sexual powers.
  • A live bear is the perfect host for a daytime talk show.
  • Touch a butt, go to jail.
• If something quoted from the Bible is suspect, just say that it's in the back or on page 900.
  • Similarly, such quotes include "Thou shall not horn in on thy husband's racket" and "Thou shall not allow moochers into thy hut".
  • If the Bible has taught us anything—and it hasn't—it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil Wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such.
  • You should always follow the lessons of Matthew 21:17.
  • Being able to quote scripture off the top of your head will save your life when a Giant Spider attacks. If you can't think of any... well, just throw a rock at the damn thing.
• A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.
• "Cecil" is a girl's name.
• If given the chance, a cow would eat you and everyone you care about.
  • Gorillas are part of a shark's natural diet.
• Frozen pie crust, cloves and Tom Collins mix does not a breakfast make.
• No one has ever been awarded a Nobel Prize for Attempted Chemistry.
• Hitler is the capital of North Dakota.
• Ann Landers is a boring old biddy.
• "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson":
  • There's nothing wrong with riding around in a car you made yourself.
  • Crab Juice is preferable to Mountain Dew.
  • Never lick a subway car pole in New York City.
  • The World Trade Center only had one bathroom per tower, and it was located on the observation deck.
  • You can drive with a boot on your car.
  • New York looks like a bad place if you only remember the pimps and the C.H.U.D.S.
• "Marge Be Not Proud":
  • You can momentarily stop loving your son for committing the same crime you committed and went to jail for a few years earlier.
  • Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!
  • Punching someone in the dark is a victimless crime.
  • Quarries and stadiums are easy to steal.
• Shake n' Bake and butter are great seasonings for your coffee.
• If offended by a rock band performing at your birthday party, you should promptly have The Rolling Stones killed in retaliation, even if they're not the band in question.
• If you're unable to pronounce the city "Kuala Lumpur", say "France" instead.
• Iron helps us play!
• Stupid babies need the most attention.
• Sears is the place to buy a saxophone.
• "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits. Grrr!
• Living in a nursing home is like being a baby, except you're old enough to appreciate it.
• If your garden has been dug up, then Charles Kuralt most likely did it.
• People tend to have a high and mighty attitude if they were never caught driving without pants.
• Bees can defend themselves somehow.
• Arizona smells funny.
• Coin collecting is a lot like life; it stopped being fun a long time ago.
• If you're trying to evade someone, then a Geo is not the car for you.
• "Lisa the Vegetarian":
  • Forcing your beliefs on others is wrong. Tricking people into complying with your beliefs by giving them something other than what they paid for is perfectly okay.
  • You should condone people contributing to the abuse and slaughter of innocent animals, even if you personally think it's a monstrous thing to do.
• “The Principal And The Pauper”: It is okay to steal someone else’s identity if you are more likable in the eyes of other people than the victim whose identity was stolen by you. It is also okay to punish the victim of identity theft by banishing them for not being as likable as the thief. It is even okay to leave your comrades to die in war and take over their identities and fool their families when you arrive home so you can have a better life for yourself.
• Asking Dracula if he knows Frankenstein's monster is racist.
• If you can't promise you'll try, at least try to try.
• "G.I. D'OH!": The best way to learn from your assholery and incompetence is for everyone else around you to suffer. This theory also applies to Saw 3D.
• If your team loses the big game, the entire town will hate you for it.
• T. S. Eliot wrote Cats.
• Public nudity is just the thing to spice up your boring marriage.
• Italians and gays aren't allowed to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.
• If you accidentally burn your roast, don't bother telling your boss. Just purchase fast food and disguise it as your own cooking. He'll believe every word you say, and he won't even notice that your house is on fire. Just tell him it's the aurora borealis... at this time of year... at this time of day... in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen.
• Setting a guy on fire and letting a snake bite him are just harmless pranks. Spilling sugar on his table? You Monster!
• The real reason the British settlers moved to the colonies in North America was to escape the giant rats.
• Fast-forwarding commercial breaks will turn your favorite news anchor into a swamp monster from a child's nightmare.
• Spiro Agnew's claim to fame was working for MAD Magazine.
• Ladies pinch; whores use rouge.
• A bee biting your bottom will make it big.
• Meatball soup shouldn't be confused with a collection of fur balls in stomach acid.
• Hitler, Walt Disney and Freddie Quimby all have the evil gene.
• Summer vacations consist of nothing but three whole months of Spaghettios and daytime TV.
• It's entirely plausible to break your hand in a boaking accident.
• Dockers jeans make for a poor relaxed fit.
• A car is a good substitute for a trampoline.
• Upon getting accepted into college, you should promptly set your high school diploma on fire.
• Your local school's groundskeeper strongly resembles an Iraqi Fighter Jet.
• Watching even one second of PBS without contributing makes you a thief. A common thief!
• A knowledge of gym and fractions can be applied to real-life situations.
• Newspaper provides the essential inks and roughage that children need in their diet.
• There's never a need to have a microscope at the beach.
• Bats love nothing more than to fly into the "hair" of a bald person.
• A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. There's a reason why God (who lives on a plantation in Hawaii) portions them out in tiny packets.
• "A Milhouse Divided"
  • You can draw dignity.
  • Only the smartest of people went to Gudger College.
  • Nobody wants to receive a message of "You are a coward" from a fortune cookie after a nice meal.
  • It's perfectly legal to fire someone for being single.
  • Arby's food is made out of possum meat.
  • Hot dogs thawing in a sink is a sign of a bad marriage.
  • Breaking a chair over someone's head is a pretty standard stunt (and memetic gold.)
  • Sleeping in a race car bed will always pale in comparison to sleeping in a big bed with your spouse.
  • I don't recall saying "good luck".
• "Itchy & Scratchy Land":
  • People will scoff at you for ordering veal.
  • Mispronouncing the word "possibly" is unsettling.
  • "Bort" is a very common name.
  • The Itchy & Scratchy theme song can be arranged in many different ways.
  • Kicking a giant mouse in the butt doesn't exactly make you a political prisoner.
  • No one wants to visit Euro Itchy & Scratchy Land.
• “Brake My Wife, Please”: If your wife is domestically abusing you in ways like running you over with a car, pouring hot soup on you, and making you collapse on the floor, then that is because she is feeling stressed out at you and it is your fault because you are treating her like a doormat. She should not be punished for abusing you and instead rewarded for it by having a party thrown in her honor.
• Cooking and eating yourself is a good way to earn your family's love.
• Just because there are rats at a bar that you occupy doesn't mean they're yours to shoot.
  • Shooting a deer is like shooting a beautiful man.
• Even Lisa's dreams are square.
• Dinosaurs are now confined to your average zoo.
• A shark is considered the king of the jungle.
• If your rival town builds a mini mall, your town should build a bigger mini mall. If your rival town makes the world's largest pizza, your town has every right to burn down their city hall in retaliation.
• "O' Brother, Where Art Thou": If you have a long-lost successful sibling who puts you in charge of something you have never done before, it's all your fault if you mess up and ruin their business. You should be ashamed of yourself for being trusted with something you have no knowledge of!
• "Homie the Clown":
  • Is your car not going as fast as you want it to? Shoot some holes into it!
  • If an actor is playing a burglar, you're well within your right to beat him half to death.
  • "Homer" is a perfect place to work.
  • If you're a wealthy dowager, a Pie in the Face will kill you.
  • The mob isn't as vicious as one would think.
  • Those are supposed to be baggy pants! Baggy!
  • Clowns are funny.
  • The State of Washington is filled with hilarious names, like Walla Walla, Cucamonga, and Seattle.
• Don't complain in your convertible that your sandwich isn't sliced or else you'll have your arm sliced off with piano wire.
• The representatives of television include Kent Brockman, Bumblebee Man, a Fourth Doctor lookalike, an Urkel lookalike and Krusty the Klown.
• It's customary to introduce yourself twice when meeting someone new.
• Taking a home wine-making course will cause you to forget how to drive.
• Syrup is better than jelly.
• Only Hollywood lawyers wear belts.
• Yale University could use an international Airport.
• "Eat my shorts" can easily morph into "Eat pant".
  • By the same token, "Beat Up Martin" can easily morph into "Eat up Martha."
• Have egg nog with your cereal.
  • Egg nog's presence is made possible by the government, but only in the month of December. After that, they'll take it away.
• No one knows for sure whether FDR really beat Superman in that race around the world.
• Space aliens have nothing to do with Halloween.
• Being drafted into war is preferable to apologizing to people you've wronged.
• George Washington, Albert Einstein, and William Shakespeare were all buried in the same cemetery.
• The answers to all your problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV.
• There's no point going outside. You'll just wind up back home anyway.
• Life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
• A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
• The true purpose of the Internet is to show you what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.
• "Fear of Flying":
  • Alaska and Hawaii are the freak states.
  • The main goal of a burglar is to do your laundry.
  • Having a fear of flying is the same as having a mental disorder.
  • Your face randomly appears on magazine covers.
  • Therapists always blame the husband.
  • Never visit a cornfield.
  • That's just the Carp swimming around your ankles.
• Painting houses in the Summer will make you a billionaire.
• No one is quite sure if Superman can outrun The Flash.
• Being happy and singing a song at work will cause you to be promoted.
• Use fossil fuel and nobody gets hurt.
• Let 'em all go to Hell, except cave 76!
• It's the principal's fault if the children attending his school are ugly.
• You can learn about Rocky and Bullwinkle and Underdog in your average grade school history book.
• Pearls are a part of a complete breakfast.
• Lois Sanbourne and Steve Bennett are better names than Lisa and Bart Simpson.
• Making sloppy Joes does not constitute fun.
• There wasn't a war in Gone with the Wind.
• Sorny, Magnetbox and Panaphonics are all legitimate electronic companies.
• Nuclear Power is bad.
• Driving with your knees is more important than having someone else hold your food. After all, if one chose fruit, they should live with fruit.
• Lee Majors and Lucy Lawless can fly.
• The prospect of pavement and blubber flying is intriguing.
• If leaves of three, let it be. If leaves of four, eat some more!
• Santa simply can't fit a pony onto his sleigh.
• Your own wife will insist you steal your friend's car.
• The Monster That Ate Everybody ate everybody! Stupid!
• Your neighbor's wife's butt being higher than your own wife's butt is a legitimate reason to hate him.
• The Yangtze River swallows all secrets.
• Upending the ecologies of other countries and planets is okay, especially if they are Australia and Omicron Persei 8.
• "You're going to Heaven" is an effective insult.
• There was nothing in Al Capone's Vault, but it wasn't Geraldo's fault.
• Some people are just plain evil, and when they try to be good, they're even more evil.
• Sweet liquor eases the pain.
• Lady goats are called sheep.
• The average man can't compete with store-bought dirt.
• Anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.
• Welcome mats and duct tape aren't considered swimming trunks.
• If you let murderous trolls go, they'll give you gold.
• Child criminals regularly appear on America's Most Wanted.
• Oliver North was just poured into that uniform.
• "Three-took" is the opposite of "fo(u)r-give".
  • It's called "uter-us", not "uter-you".
• "Homer The Heretic":
  • An interview with Lorne Michaels isn't considered sexually appealing.
  • Churches usually have only one exit.
  • Waffle batter + caramels + liquid smoke + a stick of butter = "Mmm, fattening".
  • Random animals love to watch you shower.
  • The average home has boxes of blasting caps and oily rags just lying around.
  • Please do not offer the god a peanut.
  • Jesus drove a blue car.
  • When a fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn: something-something, then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe.
• President Eisenhower does a mean impression of Arsenio Hall.
• Your average rageaholic can't live without Rageahol.
• There's at least two things wrong with the title Naked Lunch.
• Jim Nabors is way cool.
• Mr. Rogers says "get bent" all the time.
• Corn is like a corn dog, without the dog.
• It would be adequate to have a toilet that still has its seat.
• The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.
• When in trouble, pray to Superman.
• If you cut one in a car, turning up the radio will not "drown out" the smell.
• Broccoli is one of the deadliest plants out there; it even tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste!
• No-one should get away with stealing from you. Even if they stole something (or someone) you don't care about, It's the Principle of the Thing.
• "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"
  • Mispronouncing "chowder" is a good way to incite homicidal rage in certain people.
  • When in doubt, shoot 'em all and let God sort them out.
• "Homer At The Bat":
  • It's crucial to rescue a player piano and washer and dryer set from a fire.
  • Prime Ministers are Serious Business.
  • Whole lobsters can easily be regurgitated via the heimlich maneuver.
  • The best way to protect yourself in a thunderstorm is to seek shelter underneath a tree with a large piece of sheet metal.
  • It's impossible to give more than 100%.
• Letting your government officials sign checks with a stamp will quickly lead to bankruptcy.
• The Sun is the hottest place on Earth.
• No one ever admits to hearing their own voice on tape.
• A man fighting alcoholism is (mostly) funny; a woman fighting alcoholism is sad/concerning.
• Lonely geniuses make a lot of graphs.
• "In The Navy" is The United States Navy's theme song.
• The tar fumes will make anyone dizzy.
• America was doing great in the 1930s.