"To alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about."

"You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?"

"A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice..."

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true."

"I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business."

"Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?"

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?"

"Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!"

"Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone."

"Stealing! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [makes sound effects and laughs] Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze."

"There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well played game of chess."

"When Marge first told me she was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing, like that movie Police Academy."

"Do you know how Ridiculous you look right now?"