"To alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
"Donít kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, heíd eat you and everyone you care about."
"You donít like your job, you donít strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. Thatís the American way."
"Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church weíre just making him madder and madder"
"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try, because trying is the first step towards failure."
"Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skinÖbut what good does that do me?"
"A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 poundsÖit makes ice..."
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything thatís even remotely true."
"Iíll keep it short and sweet ó Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business."
"Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?"
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"What good is money if it canít inspire terror in your fellow man?"
"Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!"
"Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone."
"Stealing! How could you?! Havenít you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didnít hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [makes sound effects and laughs] Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze."
"There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well played game of chess."
"When Marge first told me she was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing, like that movie Police Academy."
"Do you know how ridiculous you look right now?"
- Homer, after seeing Iori fall on his butt
"Ooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing?! Well, I say "hard cheese"!
— Mr. Burns
"Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals and keepin' the King of England out of your face."
— Krusty the Klown
"I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?"
— Bart Simpson
"It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!"
— Groundskeeper Willie
"My Homer is not a Communist. Now he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is not a porn star!"
— Abraham Simpson
"Let's just agree that on this day a million years ago a dude was born who lots of people think was magical. And some people don't think so, and that's cool too. But we're probably right."
"Bart! This is America. Anyone can eat what they want as long as it's too much."
"Ha-ha! I touched your heart!"