Warp That Aesop / SpongeBob SquarePants

In General

• If you have an evil archnemesis bend on stealing your secret formula for delicious burgers, you are justified to use self-defense in protecting that secret... as well as making it your life's goal to not only make sure he doesn't get a single customer if its actually legit business ("Plankton's Regular," "Chum Caverns") but also to scare and harass him to the point of suicide by pretending to be a monster (read: whale) that can eat him ("One Coarse Meal").
• Making everyone else's lives a living hell is A-okay if you're the protagonist.
  • If you're clingy and annoying to other people, it's A-OK, but when someone is clingy to you, it's downright wrong!
• Always force friendships with people who openly show hints that they aren't interested in being your friend. People who don't want to be friends with you are assholes who deserve everything bad to happen to them.
• Being a jerkass means you deserve all the bad things that happen to you, even when you're not acting like a jerk at the moment.
  • Unless you're a wealthy business owner. Rules rarely apply to successful people.
• Always go to your best friend for help, even though said best friend is an absolute moron who would make your situation worse than it is ("The Splinter", "Stuck in the Wringer", "Picture Day").
• Having an exploitative boss who forces you to work overtime for free, pays you very little (or even charges you) is fine, as long as it's a job you love.

Specific Episodes

• "Help Wanted":
  • Don't try to test your soon-to-be employee to see if he can do his job properly, and just go along with what your most laziest and untrusted employee says, and send the other one away.
• "Just One Bite":
  • No one likes individual opinions. No one.
  • No one has individual opinions, anyone who does are just misinformed.
  • If someone doesn't want to try something new, harass them until they give in.
  • It's perfectly fine to debase yourself for food, no matter how disgusting, your colleagues will happily agree you should.
  • Gluttony is not a sin. It's the social norm. But watch those thighs, they'll explode.
• "Christmas Who?": If you don't celebrate a new holiday introduced, it'll be shoved down your throat until you stop being a grinch and assimilate.
• "Can You Spare a Dime?":
  • You should never leave your crappy minimum wage job and overbearing paranoid boss. If you try to live out your dreams, you'll inevitably become homeless.
  • If anybody takes advantage of your hospitality by treating your house like its a free hotel and you like a slave, they will face no repercussions for their selfish actions.
  • Never stand up for yourself when someone is taking advantage of your generosity. It will only result in the other person not getting the obvious hints and you being back in that position you were in.
  • If you lift up your boss and shake him around, he will not reprimand you.
  • If you hate your job then you should stay in that job until you retire because if you quit it and relax then you become a Spoiled Brat.
  • Don’t help people, even if they’re your friend and are living on the streets, they’ll just take advantage of you.
  • Homeless people are just lazy moochers too stubborn to get jobs, and could easily get hired if they wanted to.
• "Dumped": If you have a cookie in your pocket, you'll gain friends instantly.
• "Pickles": In the midst of customer complaints, it's a safe bet to check under their tongues first because they're obviously part of a scheme to get you fired from your job. It's common courtesy.
• "Procrastination":
  • Have a paper to write? Don't bother with it. It's not like the teacher will collect it or anything.
  • You should feel confident about writing an 800-word essay in 5 minutes.
  • Eight hundred words is excessively long for an essay.
  • If you are having trouble with your essay, write about what you dreamt about last night.
• "Pre-Hibernation Week": Comfort zones exist for a reason. Anyone who wants to push you out of them only wants you dead.
• "Chocolate with Nuts":
  • If you come up with a good enough lie, people will buy anything.
  • A seemingly mentally unstable guy who screams and chases you down only wants to buy your stuff.
  • If you get a bunch of money, don't invest it or save it. Spend it on taking two elderly women to a restaurant that you rented out entirely.
• "F.U.N.": Any positive change in someone's personality is a fabricated lie. It's especially the best to ignore them if they want to hang out with you.
• "Struck in the Wringer":
  • You're a bad person for calling out your best friend for ruining your life and you deserved to be in your unpleasant state.
  • Crying really does solve all of your problems.
• "The Inmates of Summer": If you happen to be going to a summer camp, but are somehow too distracted crying with your best friend to notice that your boat to said summer camp is leaving without you, not only will they not notice that they left you behind, but you and your friend will also somehow accidentally go to a prison camp, and apparently the warden will not at all question why you two are even there whatsoever.
• "A Pal for Gary":
  • If your new pet is messing with your snail pet, berate the latter for not getting along with the former.
  • If your new pet turns out to be a monster and tries to eat your snail, sternly tell your snail to "put him down".
  • If your new pet tries to eat you, still berate your snail.
  • After your snail saves your life from being eaten by the new pet and chases it out of the house, don't thank him, but berate him for driving the it away.
  • Basically, berate the snail.
• "Someone's in the Kitchen's with Sandy":
  • If someone is in need of great help and got something stolen, mock said person and discriminate them soley for being half nude even if you and the other guys who are mocking said person have been more nude than said person on multiple occasions.
• "Sentimental Sponge": Value even the most ridiculous of things to the point where it stinks up your entire house.
• "Boat Smarts": Don't follow car/boat safety. Or else you will get seriously injured or killed in the hands of a reckless driver.
• "InSPONGEiac": Folllow your boss' advice on sleeping well to work better, even though you were really doing fine before.
• "Pat No Pay":
  • It's ok to not pay for your food, it's not like you can get charges pressed against you.
  • Hand soap is safe to eat, especially if it's mint-scented.
• "Patrick's Staycation": It's perfectly ok to take advantage of your friend.
  • It's also ok to act like a ungrateful douchebag to your friend just because he isn't entertaining you enough, even though he's doing everything he can to do so.
• "Demolition Doofus": If your failing student got you severely injured, you must plot to kill him to get rid of him forever. On the other hand, if your stupidity got your teacher severely injured, show no concern for her and crack insensitive and tasteless jokes about her condition.
• "SpongeBob Meets the Strangler": If you happen to encounter a suspicious man who looks exactly like a fellow criminal, show absolutely no concern, no matter how threatening he is, and instead hire him to be your bodyguard, even if he outright states that he wants to outright murder you.
• "Little Yellow Book": You can join in on bullying until the victim gets upset, then turn on the guy primarily responsible as if you have the moral high ground.
• "Squirrel Jokes": It's perfectly fine to tell racist jokes so long as you include every demographic, even your own kind.
  • Also, if you're a terrible comedian, you can still become extremely popular if you decide to tell racist jokes.
• "Gone": Are you and the rest of the characters tired of being around one person? Make up a holiday solely dedicated on being away from that person.
• "Tentacle-Vision":
  • With public access television channels, expect that high-brow, intellectual programming will be canceled in favor of low-brow, Totally Radical programming.
  • Never host your own television show in your own house or everyone will come over and ruin it and the producer will take over your show without your involvement.
  • It's perfectly fine for you and your friends to ruin someone's television show.
• "Kenny the Cat": If someone is a liar and a con-man, you're 100% justified in drowning them until they confess, even if you yourself nearly drowned to death multiple times. You can never trust a cat!
• "I Heart Dancing":
  • You're completely justified in torturing your fellow neighbor and exhausting him solely because he's participating in the same competition that you are participating for.
• "To Love a Patty":
  • It's perfectly logical to have romantic relations with a burger.
  • Only dump your significant other if they get ugly.
• "Yours, Mine, and Mine": Sharing with your friend is by blatantly doing the opposite.
  • If your friend is being selfish, it's your fault for calling them out.
• "Sponge-Cano": If you complain about your life being miserable, then you are bad and you deserve to be thrown into a volcano in order to prevent it from destroying town. Or at least you deserve to have your house being thrown in a volcano. Just be grateful your annoying neighbor allows you to live in his house no matter how many times he has caused you grief over the past few seasons.
• "Squid's Visit": If your neighbor doesn't want to visit you, steal one of his belongings just so he can come over. Don't worry, you're not really stealing it, you're just borrowing it. In addition, design your house exactly like your neighbor's just to make him feel like he's at the comfort of his home. Don't worry, you're not creepy for doing that.
• "Sleepy Time": Going into other people's dreams will anger them to the point they will come to your house and scold you.
• "Something Smells":
  • Bad breath means that you're ugly.
  • Onions, ketchup, peanuts, and dirt make for a really good ice cream sundae.
  • If you're ugly, everyone will die.
• "Grandma's Kisses":
  • Showing affection towards people, especially your older family members, will only result in you being publicly humiliated.
  • Those who humiliate someone will keep doing so and never receive punishment.
  • Being an adult is boring and you'll never have fun. The best way to have fun is to be the most immature person ever.
• "The Battle of Bikini Bottom":
  • It's okay for you and your best friend to argue over being clean or dirty to the point where it breaks out a fight and nearly ruins your friendship.
  • Knitting fluffy sweaters is the manliest sport there is.
• "Squidville":
  • Don't move away from your annoying neighbors. You'll end up missing their company and would desperately want to move back to the neighborhood they live in.
  • If you get bored from doing the same things every day, never think of other things to do to entertain yourself.
  • If your town's normal routine grows monotonous to you, despite it being totally fine to everyone else and they aren't forcing you to change yourself, unless it's disrupting the days of others, then clearly, the entire town is at fault for being too boring.
• "All That Glitters":
  • Replacing your old broken spatula for a new one is wrong.
  • New spatulas will turn out to be assholes.
  • If you can't afford clothing, it's okay to go out naked in public.
• "Wishing You Well":
  • Putting your most valuable employee down a well for hours until the morning is fine, it's not like he'll starve or anything.
• "No Nose Knows":
  • Gaining a nose will turn you into a paranoid asshole.
  • If your friend cannot be trusted with one of their own body parts, forcibly remove it from them.
• "Club SpongeBob": The only way to solve life's problems is to listen and obey a talking conch who tells you to do nothing.
• "Nature Pants":
  • Living close to nature will never work.
  • Never choose Liberty Over Prosperity.
• "Breath of Fresh Squidward":
  • It's only okay to be clingy if you are doing the clinging. If anyone does the same towards you, it's wrong and he deserves to be yelled at for doing something you do all the time.
  • It's okay to break into your neighbor's house to watch the sunrise in their bedroom.
• "One Coarse Meal":
  • It's okay to psychologically torment your enemy to the point he attempts suicide. It's just good ol' rivalry. You'll get away with it too.
  • Suicide is the preferred solution to getting away from your enemies.
  • You can pay your employees with money from a board game.
• "The Idiot Box":
  • If you decide to take part in whatever fun the youth are doing when they take a break to sleep, you and the fun will both go to the landfill.
  • If it's Christmas and you can't afford a present, just get your significant other a box.
  • Boxing really is about boxes.
• "Band Geeks": It's okay to stay with your band and focus on fame if you give your rival a heart attack. He'll be all good and fine the next time you see him!
• "House Fancy":
  • When someone tells you to paint part of a wall, paint the entire floor.
  • Do not attempt first aid on a broken-off toenail. There'll be no blood and it'll heal itself in the next scene.
  • If the reality show you're setting up for will come at any minute and you're not ready for them, open the door anyway. It's just your neighbor trying to use your restroom.
  • Not even your toilet is safe from death.
  • A completely blown-up house is fancier than an expensive, garnished, well-maintained mansion if it resembles a work of art.
• "Bubblestand": Don't expect yourself to be able blow bubbles if you don't start it with double take three times and pelvic thrust.
• "Jellyfishing": It's perfectly ok to bother someone without their consent even though they're in a cast.
• "Gramma's Secret Recipe"
  • Even the most well thought out plans will be conveniently ruined by someone who was already sleeping before you left.

• "Suction Cup Symphony": Take inspiration for your arts from anywhere, especially from a doctor and his patient's screams.
• "Pizza Delivery":
  • You can call up a burger place and they'll gladly prepare a pizza and deliver it to you.
  • If you and your co-worker get lost and can't find your way back to work then hop on a boulder and you'll happen to be literally right next to it.
  • If your customer has complains about your service, throw their order in their face.
  • Moss always points to civilization.
  • Break-dancing in the street isn't dangerous.
• "Bubble Buddy": If you have an imaginary friend causing problems for others, both of you are 100% innocent because he's the one doing it, but he also doesn't exist.
• "Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy": It's completely natural and ok to obsessively stalk and annoy the elderly in the interest of forcing them to come out of their well-earned retirement.
• "No Weenies Allowed":
  • Forcibly ripping off a bouncer's tattoo is a valid way of gaining entry into the club he works for.
  • You can beat someone up without even touching them.
• "Patrick Smartpants":
  • Becoming smarter will only result in you alienating your friends.
  • Smart people are jerks.
• "Artist Unknown":
  • Individual creativity is wrong, and you should always do things exactly the way your teacher tells you to.
  • Blame the janitor if you make a mess in art class. It's not like you accidentally created a masterpiece.
  • You've gotta embrace, sniff, lick, wash, date, and even be the marble to see the sculpture within.
  • The secret to creating a masterpiece is to drive yourself into a rage-induced frenzy of creation.
• "Welcome to the Chum Bucket":
  • If you are transferred to a new job, being insubordinate to your boss will get you your old job back.
  • If the sign says "kitchen", your heart says "jail".
• "Born Again Krabs":
  • If the underwater equivalent of Satan tries to shove you in a cramped, smelly locker unless you agree to become generous, this means giving away all of your possessions and spending all of your money on others, not leaving any left to take care of yourself. And when someone points this out and informs you that you're not dreaming, immediately return to your old, selfish ways.
  • If your boss sells you out to said underwater equivalent of Satan for pocket change, be as annoying as possible by talking their ears off until they get fed up and give you back.
• "Survival of the Idiots":
  • Did you get trapped inside your friend's freezing home while she's hibernating for the winter? Steal her fur while she's sleeping and wear it as a warm winter coat!
  • "No" means "yes".
  • Sea creatures can survive on land as long as there's a thick layer of snow on the ground.
  • If it's sufficiently cold, you can use your nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks.
• The Movie:
  • The best way to take down a fascist regime is with a sick guitar solo!
  • The best evil plans are always lemon-scented.
  • You can't fool someone who listens to public radio.
  • It's perfectly fine to rip someone's mouth off because they made fun of your hat.
• "Atlantis SquarePantis": Millennia-old historical artifacts are easily replaceable. If you destroy them, people will be mad at first, but will quickly calm down when they find a neat talking speck.
• "Code Yellow": If you see a person dressed in a white coat who doesn't work at all in the hospital, assign him to an operation he can't even perform properly.
• "Sportz?": Torturing your neighbors just because they're not aware of what sports are is fun and amusing!
• "Spot Returns": If someone doesn't want to buy your puppies, try to destroy them.
• "The Check-Up": If you hate doing check-ups, just bribe the nurse.
• "The Two Faces of Squidward": If you slam your face in the door you will become handsome.
• "Plankton's Army": It's totally fine to put your wife into a coma because she made fun of your name.
• "Selling Out":
  • Your workplace's HR department is legally allowed to beat you to a pulp for not being happy.
  • Your teenage daughter has every right to kick you out of your own house.
• "A Place for Pets": Always be with everybody's pets, no matter how unsanitary it is.
• "Goofy Scoopers":
  • People who don't like what you like are wrong.
  • No new music is ever good. Only old music and remixes of said old music are worthwhile.
• "There Will Be Grease": If you see a gross substance on the ground, take it home and rub it all over your body and use it for everything for days on end.
• "Sea-Man Sponge Haters Club": Blame all your problems on one person.
• "Upturn Girls": Being gross, harming people, and destroying expensive merchandise is fine because at least you're not boring!
• "Captain Pipsqueak": Brand loyalty triumphs over all evil.
• "Plane to Sea": Someone rigged a contest to force you to take them on a vacation? Do it.
• "Squidferatu": Even if someone threatens you with an axe, it's only because they're trying to return your mail.
• "Wallhalla":
  • It's okay to not give food to starving old men.
  • Barge into people's houses and flush their mail down the toilet. It's fine.
• "Salty Sponge": Nothing adds to a cheery atmosphere like keeping pictures of a graveyard on the wall.
• "Arbor Day Disarray": Don't celebrate Arbor Day or a bunch of trees will harass your friends and destroy the town.
• "Ma and Pa's Big Hurrah":
  • Nobody actually ever wants to have fun, no matter how many times they say it.
  • Being an asshole to your parents is totally fine.
• "Karen for Spot": Someone leaves you instructions to care for their pet? Screw that. Feed them napkin dispensers.
• "Krusty Towers":
  • If you ever go into a hotel, it's perfectly fine to make ridiculous requests like having them bring the swimming pool into your room, carry you up the stairs into your room, and do a complete redesign of your room. They'll all be accepted without question.
  • You should carry rocks around in suitcases all day.
  • If you ever see someone hit a human-sized sack into the trunk of a car with a shovel, don't worry: It's just a bunch of laundry.
• "Wet Painters":
  • If you make a giant paint bubble then blow it up, it will miraculously only cover the walls of the room while missing everything else.
  • If you damage someone's personal property, don't worry about consequences; they'll just reverse the damage by rubbing saliva on it.
  • It's perfectly fine to trick people into hurting themselves to attract customers to a restaurant.
• "Gary's Playhouse": It's okay to skip work to watch cute animals all day.
• "Mandatory Music": Sometimes you need to be arrested for assaulting children and schoolteachers to discover your true talents.
• "The Goobfather":
  • Ice cream explodes after it melts.
  • If someone is getting all up in your business and telling you what you cannot do, even though he has no authority to, don't fight back. Otherwise a fat guy in a blimp will nuke the both of you.
• "My Friend Patty":
  • Are people suicidal? Blame science.
  • Some people get no joy out of life unless they kill themselves.
  • It's okay to beat up babies because you don't like what your friend is doing.
• “Shuffleboarding”: If you waste food, don’t tie your shoelaces, chew your gum too loudly, or become too old, you will get thrown in jail.
• "It's a SpongeBob Christmas!":
  • Fruitcake makes you evil.
  • Even if you spend the whole year being a jerk, you'll still get presents if everyone else in your town is even worse.
  • You can tell someone's an asshole because they have stubble.
• "Sandy, Help Us!": Don't help anyone, at any time, even if they have valid reasons to need help and they haven't done anything wrong to you.
• "BassWard": It's okay to spend an entire vacation trying to make someone miserable, because neither of you will get what you want anyways.
• "Blood is Thicker Than Grease":
  • If nobody wants something for a few minutes, it loses all value it had or will ever have.
  • If your family is successful but you aren't, try to sabotage their lives.
• "Don't Make Me Laugh": Even if you can't go to work and repeatedly offend people, don't complain and just accept it.
• "Momageddon": Freeloading off your parents is something everyone should do.
• "Squidiot Box": If you hear someone screaming from inside a confined location, don't help them. Instead, marvel at what an exciting adventure they must be having.
• "We ♥ Hoops": Harass an old man until he takes you on an adventure.