Warp That Aesop in this series.
- Become a criminal like Duncan, because then you will be FREAKING AWESOME... For a while.
- The nerd's place in life is to suffer under the heels of his betters. Any attempts to upset this balance will only end in disaster.
- Promise people a party and they'll cheat to help you win!
- Girl trying to get into a Guy's pants, even though he doesn't like her and she's too ignorant to know?, Wrong!. Guy trying to get into a Girl's pants, even though she doesn't like him and he knows that she doesn't like him that way?, Right!
- If you stop being bitchy and actually be nice to the girl you accused of stealing your boyfriend.... they will make out behind your back after all.
- You know that crazy Stalker with a Crush that obsessively wanted to marry you? Don't bother with restraining orders! Just tell her you want to be her best friend and everything will be A-OK!
- That cute guy whom you have a crush on? Yeah, just obsess over him to the point of stalking and he'll eventually give in...somewhat.
- Anyone who plays to his/her advantage in a competitive gameshow deserves to be struck by karma.
- Never fall in love. If you fall in love, chances are you'll simply get your heart stomped on and crushed brutally.
- Injuries, no matter how severe, rarely take longer than one season of reality TV for a full recovery.
- The only person who could ever love a fat guy (no matter how nice said fat guy is) is someone who is completely and utterly insane.
- You should never sue anybody who has wronged you, especially when you sue someone for having you eliminated unfairly because those lawsuits will turn you into a JerkAss
- Homeschooled kids are losers. Kids are also at fault for every opinion they say, even ones that were drilled into them by their parents.
- If the girl of your dreams chooses another, don't move on, punch out the S.O.B. who stole her from you!
- A one-in-15-or-22 chance at winning a large cash prize is totally worth having to endure mind-grueling, disgusting, body-taxing, possibly fatal challenges at the hands of a sadistic reality show host, even if those challenges include diving of a 1000 ft. cliff into what is believed to be a safe spot in shark-infested waters, or scaling an active volcano.
- If things don't go your way, whine about it and throw tantrums. Also, always threaten to sue to get what you want. And if someone cheats and it gets you kicked out of a reality show, suing makes you/proves you are a jerk.
- A mental disorder is cured with the push of a button inside your brain.
- The best way to prove to the world that you are your own individual person and not attempting to copy someone else is to... start copying and masquerading as that other person.
- Having your life revolve around Conspiracy Theories is ultimately a net positive. You'll learn incredibly useful skills and any downsides that could be perceived as glaring will ultimately not be a big deal.
- Sharks are capable of giving CPR to human beings. They will only give that to you if you turn out to be such a handsome dude that even the guys will fall for you.
- There is nothing wrong with disciplining your child by hoisting her up a window washing lift several stories high and making her hang on for dear life while refusing to help until she apologizes.
- A great way to prevent yourself from passing gas is to have someone else hold onto your butt. If you can’t find anyone to do this then get a pillow and shove it down your pants.
- A good way to protect yourself from predators is to give the predator that is chasing you "The Reason You Suck" Speech that viciously insults their beastly appearance. It will protect you even if it causes you to lose online followers.
- Knocking other people off their poles during a pole endurance challenge is to be considered a selfless act.
- Being Camp Gay equals being cunning, physically strong even when you're skinny, and will allow you to make it to the finale.
- Sharks are threatening and will try to either eat you or are in a workers union where they get paid to harass you. They will however leave you alone if they see you make out with another guy or if you are a very hot dude.
- “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do”: It is possible to destroy something as big and hard as a luxurious yacht and fit the pieces through a small slot on a door if you are strong and handsome.
- A person with physical disability must be The Ditz.
- It absolutely does not matter that you've committed multiple acts of first-degree murder, attempted murder, manslaughter, vandalism, arson, property damage, assault, battery, abuse of power, psychological abuse, kidnapping, voyeurism, implied ephibophilia, reckless endangerment, child abandonment, poisoning, torture, pollution, blackmail, animal cruelty, mass theriocide, poaching, wildlife trade offenses, fraud, snuff filming, unethical experimentation, slavery (or at least labor code violations and nonpayment of wages), stalking, sabotage, terrorism, implied bestiality and dendrophilia, hate crimes, corruption, embezzlement, incrimination, unlawful imprisonment, allowing wrongful death and personal injury through sheer negligence, and other horrible shit the sum total of which makes Dio Brando and Cletus Kasady look like paragons of virtue — never mind that it all happened in broad daylight with multiple witnesses on top of being televised internationally! On the contrary, the fact that it was televised is why you'll get away with it — because it makes for great TV! The fact that you're hosting a popular reality show will shield you from any consequences (save a year in jail for dumping nuclear waste) of your monstrous disregard for human life. We should put you away where you can't kill or maim us, but this is Toronto and you're rich and famous!
- All the boys of Gen Z who are not black have average or below average intelligence.
