Warp That Aesop / Music

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Music Round! Ready.... GO!


Music in General

  • Abba, The Beatles, and Queen are perfect in every way. Never criticize them.
    • Unless it's Hot Space, which you're not allowed to like.
      • Except for "Under Pressure".
      • NO! Nothing by Queen is bad. Nothing!
    • Music sucked before The Beatles came along and magically invented rock out of nothing.
  • The song from Earthbound (and theme for the Sugar Wiki) Pollyanna is a woman saying she believes in you, but then again she also believes in all kinds of crazy shit.
    • People who believe in other people are deluded, rose-glassed manchildren.
  • Nobody ever liked Nu-Metal, no matter how many albums Nu-Metal bands sold in their heyday.
  • People who like newer, younger groups/singers are fucktards who've never heard the "good old stuff". Ie, music should have died in the 90's
  • Music is best heard when you're a teenager. After that, anything new sucks.
  • Without a doubt, the best kind of music is as simple as possible, to the point where any newcomer can easily play it, and has lyrics that anyone can relate to. Anyone who writes technically-complex songs with esoteric lyrics isn't being creative; they're instead being pretentious and thus deserve to be mocked.
    • On the other hand, if your band already makes technically-complex songs, then you are in no way allowed to move a single inch towards the more simple style. If you do, that automatically makes you a sell-out who deserves to be mocked (even if you're legitimately doing it for yourself and not for the money).
  • Did your favorite band replace one of their members? Well, now, you have to decide whether you like the previous member or the new member, and you must despise whichever member you didn't choose. You're not allowed to like both! (This goes double if the member being replaced is the lead singer.)

Songs/Albums

  • Avril Lavigne: "Girlfriend". It's okay to dislike someone's girlfriend and to steal them away because she's ugly and dorky and the guy should be with you instead because you're the popular Alpha Bitch.
    • Also, the guy gets no input whatsoever in this matter. Girl power!
  • "Baby, It's Cold Outside": (Out of context) Date rape is a catchy, memorable subject for a Christmas song.
    • (In context) A woman who insists that she should go home is really just playing coy to keep up appearances of being respectable, and really doesn't mean it when she says no. Even if she makes the request repeatedly.
  • Bachelor Girl: "I'm Just a Girl": Guys, girls are too emotionally complex for you. Don't even try to understand them, because you can't. Girls, you're hormonal drama queens, so you're excused when Y-chromosome bearers can't understand you.
  • Backstreet Boys'
    • "As Long As You Love Me": You are a six-fingered man from Florin who killed my father. I don't care because you love me.
    • The Call: Yeah, sure, he lied and he cheated. But he's not a bad guy. He feels bad now that his girlfriend found out he was cheating and broke up with him.
    • "All I Have to Give": A boyfriend giving gifts to his girlfriend is a shallow prick; he should be willing to only give her love to show how much he cares. Also, it's okay to hit on someone else's girl if you feel entitled to have her.
  • Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?": One of the concerns of people in an impoverished country (and therefore without good clothes, central heating or possibly even a roof over their heads) is the lack of snow!
    • No matter how much your life sucks, if you know it's Christmas, you'll be fine!
    • The entire continent of Africa is a giant hellhole that never rains. Be glad you don't live there!
    • Who cares about the other religions on the continent and what they celebrate! They need to be taught about Christmas!
  • Bass Hunter's "Love You More": If you really love her, say it with environmental destruction!
  • The Beatles' "Come Together": No matter what, everyone's the same in the middle of bukkake.
    • "Maxwell's Silver Hammer": There's a psycho murdering people with a hammer out there? Just make sure you don't do anything about it until he kills a sizeable amount of people.
      • And even then, he'll probably just kill the judge anyway.
    • "Please Please Me", "Day Tripper", "Norwegian Wood": If your girlfriend doesn't give into your sexual demands, she's not worth it.
      • "Norweigian Wood": So, this girl you just met refuses to have sex with you and decides to go to bed early since she has work in the morning? Burn her house down while she's gone!
    • "Run for Your Life", "You Can't Do That": A good boyfriend is an abusive and controlling boyfriend.
    • "Eleanor Rigby": The death of a lonely old lady is no big loss.
    • "Yellow Submarine" (the song): A submersible vehicle is the perfect place to live.
    • "Octopus' Garden": Octopi are the friendliest sea creatures around and will even invite you to tea if you let them.
    • "I Saw Her Standing There": Seventeen year old girls will be always willing to have sex with you.
    • "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill": A Momma's Boy who shoots unprovoked wild animals for no real reason other than bragging rights is a truly ideal human being to be looked up to.
    • "Think For Yourself": There is no conceivable circumstance in which it would be advisable to consider another person's opinion.
    • Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Happiness is a Warm Gun, Got to Get You into My Life: Drugs made The Beatles into transcendent visionary messiahs, and they can do the same for you!
    • "Hey Jude". three and a half minutes of "na na na" is inspiring.
  • Beyoncé's "Single Ladies": If a man likes you enough to dance with you in a club, he should be willing to marry you immediately. Never mind the fact that he likely wants you only for your body.
    • Beyoncé's "If I Were A Boy": Remember, only women are sensitve beings who are capable of having their hearts broken. If a man breaks up with you, it's because he's a self-centered jerk who doesn't care about your feelings!
    • Beyoncé's "Irreplacable": Women are special and unique. Men...not so much...
      • Don't date a famous person, because they'll definitely be able to replace you. Date a poor and ugly person, because then you're the best they can get and you can act like a Jerkass with no repercussions whatsoever.
  • "Just a Friend" by Biz Markie: Men and women can never be "just friends". If your girlfriend has any male friends whatsoever she's cheating on you with all of them.
  • Bob Dylan:
    • "Blowin In The Wind" - Things are really bad. I haven't got a clue what to do about it.
  • Bruno Mars'
    • Grenade: If a girl won't kill herself over you she doesn't love you.
      • If she's got her eyes open during your first kiss, she's evil. Of course, it doesn't matter if you've got your eyes open.
    • "The Lazy Song": If you don't feel like doing something, then don't do it. I mean that every literally way possible; don't even call in for work telling them you're not coming. Just put aside all responsibility to be lazy; you're rich as hell anyway.
    • "Billionaire": Being rich is awesome and not in any way shallow or non-fulfilling.
  • From Bye Bye Birdie, "Put on a Happy Face": Don't be a downer. If you are at all sad about anything, no matter what, just think of sunshine and rainbows and lollipops and stop moping around, lest you end up "a mean old thing."
  • Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats": Have a nagging suspicion that your boyrfriend's out at a bar with another girl? Best to commit serious acts of vandalism on his expensive car.
    • And be sure to carve your name into the seats, so he can press charges.
  • Cascada's "Miracle": My boyfriend cheated on me, but I still love him. I'm gonna beg him to get back together with me! Who cares that he might cheat again?
  • Chris Brown's "Deuces": If you break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, the best thing to do is to act like a total jerk towards him/her.
    • Beat the living daylights out of your ex-girlfriend? It's ok! It was clearly her fault in the first place!
    • If she ever tries to defend herself, it only further proves how she's the one in the wrong. Remember that time when Tina hit Ike?
      • But, considering this is Chris Brown, should this be any kind of surprise?
  • Chuck Berry's "Roll Over Beethoven": Rock music is just better than classical music.
  • Dolly Parton's "Two Doors Down." Lonely? Go to a party you weren't invited to, bang the first guy you meet, and call him your new love.
  • Don Henley's "The Boys of Summer": If you're a Grateful Dead fan, you're not allowed to buy Cadillacs, or vice versa. You may cause someone to have a minor existential crisis if you do.
  • Don Mclean's "American Pie". Rock music was much better in the 50s when people wrote and sang simple three minute songs instead of now when people sing long, complex songs in varying tempos with heavily symbolic lyrics about how...er music was better in the 50s.
  • Dream's "He Loves U Not": If you're together with someone who's crushed on by another girl, it's perfectly acceptable to rub it in her face.
  • Electric Light Orchestra's "The Diary of Horace Wimp": If you're socially awkward, God will divinely intervene in your life to help you get married in a week.
    • "Do Ya": Nothing sets a woman's heart ablaze like telling her you'd like to save her for a rainy day.
    • "Telephone Line": If someone doesn't answer the phone the one time you call the person, it's a clear sign that you mean nothing to that person.
  • Eagle Eye Cherry - "Save Tonight": Come on, baby. I'm just going to have sex with you and toss you away like you're less than air the very next day; it's nothing to get upset about.
  • Flogging Molly's "Between a Man and a Woman": Heterosexual love is the only acceptable form of love. Period.
  • Fountains of Wayne's "Stacy's Mom": I'm so in love with this woman, even though I can't be bothered to call her by her actual name!
  • Garth Brooks's "That Summer": It's perfectly OK for a middle-aged woman to hire a teenage boy to work for her, and then have sex with him. Of course, we'd all be hollering kiddie rape if the genders were reversed, but as long as it's a teenage boy and a middle aged woman, there's no problem.
  • Genesis' "The Musical Box": If you touch a dead person's belongings, their spirit will return to the material world and try to sexually assault you.
    • For the same song: Children should not play croquet. Ever.
    • "I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe)": Striving for bigger and better things is for fools. If you take any sort of risk that could improve your life, you may end up failing, so it's not even worth trying.
    • "Turn It On Again": Who needs real-life friends? All the social interaction you'll ever need, you can get from watching TV all the time and pretending to go on adventures with the characters!
  • Huey Lewis and the News' "I Want a New Drug": Love is a drug. It comes in pill form.
  • John Lennon's "Imagine": Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was absolutely nothing to do in the world and absolutely no reason to do anything ever?
    • Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was nothing and no-one in the world was worth risking your life for.
    • "Crippled Inside": It is absolutely impossible to put on a facade of false happiness. Everyone sees right through it.
    • "Instant Karma! (We All Shine On)": If you don't constantly do good, the world will hate you.
    • "How Do You Sleep" My former partner was good looking and wrote one of the most popular songs in the world. What a bastard!
  • John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change": Think the world has gone to crap? Don't bother trying to do anything about it yourself; just wait for someone else to fix it.
  • Kansas' "Dust in the Wind": What's the point of doing anything at all if it's not gonna matter in the end?
  • Kesha's "Tik-Tok": You have to be a member of The Rolling Stones in order for a woman to like you.
  • Lady Gaga:
    • "Poker Face": Women are mysterious, and too good for you. And stuttering is good.
    • "Paparazzi": Stalking is okay when it's female on male. (Coincidentally, the Archie Comics taught this exact same lesson with Ethel on Jughead vs. Reggie on Midge.)
    • "Telephone": Leave your girlfriend alone! She's trying to forget you exist at a local club. Plus she doesn't have free weekend minutes.
  • Lily Allen's "Smile": If your boyfriend cheats on you, it's perfectly excusable for you to pay a bunch of thugs to break into his house, wreck the place, scratch the records he uses for his gigs as a DJ and block up the toilet after slipping a packet of laxitives into his coffee. It's something to smile about.
  • The Lonely Island's "Dick in a Box": Sexually assaulting your girlfriend is a great gift idea for any occasion!
    • "I Just Had Sex": When you engage in sexual intercourse, don't even think about whether or not your partner enjoys it, all that matters is that you get yours.
  • "The Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson: Drugs are awesome! Let's all do drugs!
  • Nickelback
    • "If Everyone Cared": Being less of a dick will extend human life expectancy. Screw biomedical research, politeness is where it's at!
    • "Rockstar"; The recipe for success is flaunting your drugs, women and wealth; not talent, contrary to popular belief.
  • Meghan Trainor:
    • "All About That Bass" - You are ugly if you aren't curvy or chunky. After all, no man would want to grab bones!
      • A woman's self-confidence should hinge around whether or not men want to have sex with her.
      • The only way you can effectively prove a point is to insult the other side of the spectrum.
    • "Dear Future Husband" - The husband is at fault for every miscommunication in your relationship.
      • If your husband apologizes after a fight, it's because he's horny and nothing else. All men are constantly horny.
    • "NO" - Every guy who's trying to talk to you is hitting on you. He asks for the time? OMG WHAT A HORNY SCUMBAG HOW DARE HE ASK YOU OUT!
  • Nicki Minaj:
    • Meta example: Men will want any fat butt. Even a butt being expanded through plastic surgery, like the singer's.
    • "Anaconda" and "Super Bass": Men are only worth having if they are selling drugs to you.
    • Grammar errors in your lyrics are cool! As well as swearing or using a vulgar word every five seconds!
  • No Doubt: "Ex-Girlfriend": If you aren't compatible, it's only your boyfriend's fault for picking you and not the other way around or you being equally to blame.
  • Oingo Boingo's "Only a Lad": We should reinstate the death penalty for minors. If we don't, we'll have an army of sociopathic Karma Houdinis who will wreak havoc because milquetoasts will get them off by blaming society and claiming they are too young to know any better.
    • "Dead Man's Party": Being dead is awesome! You should kill yourself so you can join in on the festivities!
  • Omnia - "I Don't Speak Human": Humans are a cancer that is destroying this planet, and we'd be better without them. Brought to you by a band of humans.
  • One Direction's "Little Things": What's the sweetest, most romantic way you can sing yourself into a girl's heart? Negging her, of course!
    • "What Makes You Beautiful": The only way someone can be beautiful is if they're oblivious to it.
  • Paula Abdul:
    • "Opposites Attract": You should go out with someone you have nothing in common with, you'll be the perfect couple.
  • Peter Gabriel's "Big Time": Fed up with small-town life? Drop everything you're doing and move to the big city! You'll be an instant success and everyone there will love you!
  • Phil Collins' "I Don't Care Anymore": To show how little I care, I'm gonna take time to write a song about how I don't care.
  • "Fuckin' Perfect" by P!nk: loving yourself means believing you have no problems whatsoever and don't need to strive for self-improvement at all. Don't listen to anything negative anyone says about you. They're all just haters. No criticism of you could possibly be valid.
  • Pink Floyd:
    • "Money": The number one aim in life is to make as much money as possible.
    • "Time": If you want to be a true Englishman, you should hang on in quiet desperation.
    • "Another Brick in the Wall": Education is evil and akin to brainwashing. Let your kids do whatever they want and eat their dinner in any order they please.
    • "The Trial": If you become a cold person, it's not because of your unfaithful wife, your abusive teachers, or because you father died in a war; it's ALL your fault.
    • "The Wall"; Facing a psychopathic and genocidal dictator threatening to destroy all of Europe? Don't, whatever you do, try any sort of defence against him as the unavoidable casualties from your side risks a small boy growing up without a father and becoming a slightly mopey pop star.
    • "Young Lust" and the immediately following songs (but only on the album, not the film): Ladies, if your husband cheats on you, you'd still better stay faithful to him, or else you're a bad person.
  • The Pogues
    • Fairytale of New York - nothing says Christmas like listening to two homeless winos hurling abuse at each other.
      • And if you ever go to chase your dreams with your partner, it'll all go to shit.
  • Robbie Riverra's "Let Me Sip My Drink": Functional alcoholism is a good reason to ignore anyone who tries to talk to you. Socializing? At a social function? Who does that?
  • From Sesame Street, "Sing": Music is only for happy times. If you ever sing because you're feeling down about something, you're doing it wrong.
  • Simon & Garfunkel's "Fakin' it" and "The Dangling Conversation": Staying in a dead-end relationship is much easier than saying anything about it, so just suck it up and move on with your life.
  • Taylor Swift:
    • "Shake It Off" - Best way to tell the haters you don't care what they think about you is making a song which you put effort into doing.
    • Meta Example: If someone broke your heart, write a hateful song about them. Scratch that, write your diary through song.
    • "Red" (the album): Unhealthy, "Treacherous" and dangerous relationships are something to embrace and mourn over/remember fondly once they inevitably end even as you know how unhealthy they are!
  • The Temptations' "Ain't Too Proud to Beg": If someone tells you it's over, don't listen—make a pathetic showof yourself and the person will very likely take you back.
  • Timbaland's "Carry Out": Girls love it when you compare their bodies to pancake restaurants and restaurant chains that have the "supersize" option.
  • Tom Jones' "Delilah": Homicidal maniacs with stalking tendencies have awesome singing voices.
  • Tulisa's "Young": Being young is a good excuse to misbehave.
  • The Who's Tommy: Being a deaf, blind mute automatically exponentially increases your gaming prowess.
    • "Won't Get Fooled Again": Revolutions are pointless, since the new leader may end up just like the old one.
  • Wale "Pretty Girls": Ugly girls shouldn't have any confidence. Only pretty girls should.
  • Yes' "Owner of a Lonely Heart": The old saying is wrong; it is better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost.
  • 5 Seconds of Summer:
    • "End Up Here": The right fashion choices will get you laid.
  • Sabaton:
    • "The Final Solution": Hearing a stadium full of your fans singing along to a power ballad about Auschwitz is in no way creepy as hell, and won't freak out the band to the point of them never playing it live again.
  • "Four Minutes": Rather than actually doing something in a mission pressed for time, let us squander our time by singing!

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WarpThatAesop/Music