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Warp That Aesop: Music
WELCOME, ladies, gentlemen, and tropers, to Darth Wiki's Favorite Game Show...

WARP... THAT... AESOP!!!!!

Music Round! Ready.... GO!


Music in General

  • Abba, The Beatles, and Queen are perfect in every way. Never criticize them.
    • Unless it's Hot Space, which you're not allowed to like.
      • Except for "Under Pressure".
      • NO! Nothing by Queen is bad. Nothing!
    • Music sucked before The Beatles came along and magically invented rock out of nothing.
  • The song from Earthbound (and theme for the Sugar Wiki) Pollyanna is a woman saying she believes in you, but then again she also believes in all kinds of crazy shit.
    • People who believe in other people are deluded, rose-glassed manchildren.
  • People who like newer, younger groups/singers are fucktards who've never heard the "good old stuff". Ie, music should have died in the 90's
  • Music is best heard when you're a teenager. After that, anything new sucks.

Songs

  • Avril Lavigne: "Girlfriend". It's okay to dislike someone's girlfriend and to steal them away because she's ugly and dorky and the guy should be with you instead because you're the popular Alpha Bitch.
    • Also, the guy gets no input whatsoever in this matter. Girl power!
  • "Baby, It's Cold Outside": (Out of context) Date rape is a catchy, memorable subject for a Christmas song.
    • (In context) A woman who insists that she should go home is really just playing coy to keep up appearances of being respectable, and really doesn't mean it when she says no. Even if she makes the request repeatedly.
  • Backstreet Boys' "As Long As You Love Me": You are a six-fingered man from Florin who killed my father. I don't care because you love me.
  • Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?": One of the concerns of people in an impoverished country (and therefore without good clothes, central heating or possibly even a roof over their heads) is the lack of snow!
    • No matter how much your life sucks, if you know it's Christmas, you'll be fine!
    • The entire continent of Africa is a giant hellhole that never rains. Be glad you don't live there!
    • Who cares about the other religions on the continent and what they celebrate! They need to be taught about Christmas!
  • Bass Hunter's "Love You More": If you really love her, say it with environmental destruction!
  • The Beatles' "Come Together": No matter what, everyone's the same in the middle of bukkake.
    • "Maxwell's Silver Hammer": There's a psycho murdering people with a hammer out there? Just make sure you don't do anything about it until he kills a sizeable amount of people.
    • "Please Please Me", "Day Tripper", "Norwegian Wood": If your girlfriend doesn't give into your sexual demands, she's not worth it.
      • "Norweigian Wood": So, this girl you just met refuses to have sex with you and decides to go to bed early since she has work in the morning? Burn her house down while she's gone!
    • "Run for Your Life", "You Can't Do That": A good boyfriend is an abusive and controlling boyfriend.
    • "Eleanor Rigby": The death of a lonely old lady is no big loss.
    • "Yellow Submarine" (the song): A submersible vehicle is the perfect place to live.
    • "Octopus' Garden": Octopi are the friendliest sea creatures around and will even invite you to tea if you let them.
    • "I Saw Her Standing There": Seventeen year old girls will be always willing to have sex with you.
    • "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill": A Momma's Boy who shoots unprovoked wild animals for no real reason other than bragging rights is a truly ideal human being to be looked up to.
    • "Think For Yourself": There is no conceivable circumstance in which it would be advisable to consider another person's opinion.
    • Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Happiness is a Warm Gun, Got to Get You into My Life: Drugs made The Beatles into transcendent visionary messiahs, and they can do the same for you!
  • Beyoncé's "Single Ladies": If a man likes you enough to dance with you in a club, he should be willing to marry you immediately. Never mind the fact that he likely wants you only for your body.
    • Beyoncé's "If I Were A Boy": Remember, only women are sensitve beings who are capable of having their hearts broken. If a man breaks up with you, it's because he's a self-centered jerk who doesn't care about your feelings!
    • Beyoncé's "Irreplacable": Women are special and unique. Men...not so much...
  • "Just a Friend" by Biz Markie: Men and women can never be "just friends". If your girlfriend has any male friends whatsoever she's cheating on you with all of them.
  • GarthBrooks's "That Summer": It's perfectly OK for a middle-aged woman to hire a teenage boy to work for her, and then have sex with him. Of course, we'd all be hollering kiddie rape if the genders were reversed, but as long as it's a teenage boy and a middle aged woman, there's no problem.
  • Bob Dylan:
    • "Blowin In The Wind" - Things are really bad. I haven't got a clue what to do about it.
  • Bruno Mars' Grenade: If a girl won't kill herself over you she doesn't love you.
    • If she's got her eyes open during your first kiss, she's evil. Of course, it doesn't matter if you've got your eyes open.
  • From Bye Bye Birdie, "Put on a Happy Face": Don't be a downer. If you are at all sad about anything, no matter what, just think of sunshine and rainbows and lollipops and stop moping around, lest you end up "a mean old thing."
  • Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats": Have a nagging suspicion that your boyrfriend's out at a bar with another girl? Best to commit serious acts of vandalism on his expensive car.
  • Chris Brown's "Deuces": If you break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, the best thing to do is to act like a total jerk towards him/her.
    • Beat the living daylights out of your ex-girlfriend? It's ok! It was clearly her fault in the first place!
    • If she ever tries to defend herself, it only further proves how she's the one in the wrong. Remember that time when Tina hit Ike?
      • But, considering this is Chris Brown, should this be any kind of surprise?
  • Chuck Berry's "Roll Over Beethoven": Rock music is just better than classical music.
  • Don Mclean's "American Pie". Rock music was much better in the 50s when people wrote and sang simple three minute songs instead of now when people sing long, complex songs in varying tempos with heavily symbolic lyrics about how...er music was better in the 50s.
  • Electric Light Orchestra's "The Diary of Horace Wimp": If you're socially awkward, God will divinely intervene in your life to help you get married in a week.
    • "Do Ya": Nothing sets a woman's heart ablaze like telling her you'd like to save her for a rainy day.
    • "Telephone Line": If someone doesn't answer the phone the one time you call the person, it's a clear sign that you mean nothing to that person.
  • Flogging Molly's "Between a Man and a Woman": Heterosexual love is the only acceptable form of love. Period.
  • Huey Lewis and the News' "I Want a New Drug": Love is a drug. It comes in pill form.
  • John Lennon's "Imagine": Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was absolutely nothing to do in the world and absolutely no reason to do anything ever?
    • Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was nothing and no-one in the world was worth risking your life for.
    • "Crippled Inside": It is absolutely impossible to put on a facade of false happiness. Everyone sees right through it.
    • "Instant Karma! (We All Shine On)": If you don't constantly do good, the world will hate you.
    • "How Do You Sleep" My former partner was good looking and wrote one of the most popular songs in the world. What a bastard!
  • John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change": Think the world has gone to crap? Don't bother trying to do anything about it yourself; just wait for someone else to fix it.
  • Kesha's "Tik-Tok": You have to be a member of the Rolling Stones in order for a woman to like you.
  • Lady Gaga:
    • "Poker Face": Women are mysterious, and too good for you. And stuttering is good.
    • "Paparazzi": Stalking is okay when it's female on male. (Coincidentally, the Archie Comics taught this exact same lesson with Ethel on Jughead vs. Reggie on Midge.)
    • "Telephone": Leave your girlfriend alone! She's trying to forget you exist at a local club. Plus she doesn't have free weekend minutes.
  • Lily Allen's "Smile": If your boyfriend cheats on you, it's perfectly excusable for you to pay a bunch of thugs to break into his house, wreck the place, scratch the records he uses for his gigs as a DJ and block up the toilet after slipping a packet of laxitives into his coffee. It's something to smile about.
  • The Lonely Island's "Dick in a Box": Sexually assaulting your girlfriend is a great gift idea for any occasion!
    • "I Just Had Sex": When you engage in sexual intercourse, don't even think about whether or not your partner enjoys it, all that matters is that you get yours.
  • "The Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson: Drugs are awesome! Let's all do drugs!
  • Nickelback's "If Everyone Cared": Being less of a dick will extend human life expectancy. Screw biomedical research, politeness is where it's at!
  • "Fuckin' Perfect" by Music/{Pink}}: loving yourself means believing you have no problems whatsoever and don't need to strive for self-improvement at all. Don't listen to anything negative anyone says about you. They're all just haters. No criticism of you could possibly be valid.
  • Oingo Boingo's "Only a Lad": We should reinstate the death penalty for minors. If we don't, we'll have an army of sociopathic Karma Houdinis who will wreak havoc because milquetoasts will get them off by blaming society and claiming they are too young to know any better.
    • "Dead Man's Party": Being dead is awesome! You should kill yourself so you can join in on the festivities!
  • One Direction's "Little Things": What's the sweetest, most romantic way you can sing yourself into a girl's heart? Negging her, of course!
  • Pink Floyd:
    • "Money": The number one aim in life is to make as much money as possible.
    • "Time": If you want to be a true Englishman, you should hang on in quiet desperation.
    • "Another Brick in the Wall": Education is evil and akin to brainwashing. Let your kids do whatever they want and eat their dinner in any order they please.
    • "The Trial": If you become a cold person, it's not because of your unfaithful wife, your abusive teachers, or because you father died in a war; it's ALL your fault.
    • "The Wall"; Facing a psychopathic and genocidal dictator threatening to destroy all of Europe? Don't, whatever you do, try and sort of defence against him as the unavoidable casualties from your side risks a small boy growing up without a father and becoming a slightly mopey pop star.
  • Robbie Riverra's "Let Me Sip My Drink": Functional alcoholism is a good reason to ignore anyone who tries to talk to you. Socializing? At a social function? Who does that?
  • Simon & Garfunkel's "Fakin' it" and "The Dangling Conversation": Staying in a dead-end relationship is much easier than saying anything about it, so just suck it up and move on with your life.
  • The Temptations' "Ain't Too Proud to Beg": If someone tells you it's over, don't listen—make a pathetic show of yourself and the person will very likely take you back.
  • Timbaland's "Carry Out": Girls love it when you compare their bodies to pancake restaurants and restaurant chains that have the "supersize" option.
  • Tom Jones' "Delilah": Homicidal maniacs with stalking tendencies have awesome singing voices.
  • The Who's Tommy: Being a deaf, blind mute automatically exponentially increases your gaming prowess.
  • Wale "Pretty Girls": Ugly girls shouldn't have any confidence. Only pretty girls should.

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