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Warp That Aesop: Literature
WELCOME, ladies, gentlemen, and tropers, to Darth Wiki's Favorite Game Show...

WARP... THAT... AESOP!!!!!

Booky Boogy! Ready.... GO!

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  • A Clockwork Orange:
    • Rehabilitating psychopathic criminals doesn't work, and incarceration is inhumane, so you might as well let them murder and rape and hope they get bored eventually.
    • ... I thought that was the Aesop...
    • All teenagers are murderous psychopaths. That's OK, though, because they'll grow out of it.

  • Alice's Adventures in Wonderland:
    • If you use your imagination too much, you'll just end up offending all the figments of your imagination. Better stick with the real world even if it's not as interesting.

  • Animorphs:
    • If thousands of enemy troops are lying defenseless, it's okay to massacre them!
    • Trials over war criminals (read: chiefs in command of the defeated side) are nothing but mockery.

  • Arabian Nights: Insane psychotic tyrants always find the best women to marry.

  • Artemis Fowl:
    • Don't be afraid if you cheat an ancient race out of a metric ton of gold, everything will turn out alright in the end
    • It's ok to cut off limbs from people. They can be reattached, even if you don't do it, or the one who does it doesn't want to.
    • Your bodyguard can do anything. AT ALL
    • Magic's only good for making people do what you want and healing. Unless it's not yours

  • A Song of Ice and Fire:
    • Women in the position of power are capable of any number of cruel and/or foolish things in the name of protecting their children. However, none of those things is actually going to prevent said children from dying in a cruel way.
    • Additionally, women in the position of power will somehow discover their latent bisexuality.
    • Treating your deformed dwarf of a son like something you found on your shoe will turn him into a good person. Probably.
    • If you have the temerity to be born attractive and/or to do well in life, you will invariably a disgustingly self-centered and evil individual.
    • Even if all you own is a patch of rocky ground with a shabby tower to live in, you can still hit it big and make it to the king's court. So long as you are a ruthless murderer and two-faced liar.
    • Don't genuinely fall in love, unless you want to become the principal character in an epic tragedy. We acknowledge you have no control over this, but if you do end up falling in love, for god's sake don't act on it. (Mentioning your love counts as acting on it.)
    • Getting tortured, maimed, and/or horrifically traumatized will help make you a better person.

  • Atlas Shrugged:
    • If you're born to great wealth destroying your family business and behaving like a worthless playboy makes you a hero. Bonus points for pulling pranks that cause immense damage to innocent people and wipe out millions of dollars of railroad stock.
    • You can make more in industry by sucking up to government that you can by working honestly on the free market. And if you get enough regulations imposed on your honest competitors they'll all run away to a Hidden Elf Village leaving the market entirely to you.

  • Auntie Mame: Life is a banquet—-if you've been lucky enough to inherit a fortune that allows you travel to exotic places and spend a mint on your own kooky hobbies. If you're poor though, you're pretty much out of luck unless you can land yourself a rich man.

  • Belgariad:
    • Compassion and kindness are for pussies. Don't try to help the Chosen One through his many crises involving family and the nature of his powers, just tell him not to be such a wimp and keep throwing him at new obstacles, that'll make him tough.
    • Oh, and lest we forget, forcing him into an arranged marriage with a spoilt, uptight bitch is perfectly all right! He'll just have to live with it.
    • Real friends will love you no matter how much you snark and bicker at them. If someone betrays you, it was probably just Because Destiny Says So.

  • Belisarius Series :
    • The best way to advance civilization is to kill hundreds of thousands of helpless peasants.
    • Almost all your enemies are stupid and incompetent. Those that aren't will change sides and join you.

  • Bridge to Terabithia: Be a coward. It'll save your life!

  • Captain Underpants:
    • Constantly bullying, berating, emotionally and physically abusing elementary school children is a good way to keep them from misbehaving! Never think of punishing said children instead, because being a Sadist Teacher and/or staff member is A-OK!
    • There's nothing weird about a grown man running around in his underwear. Nobody will be grossed out at all!

  • Catch-22: Being a Grade A coward who will let friends in the same situation die around him is the only good way to conduct yourself in war. After all, it doesn't have anything to do with you, who cares about stopping Fascism and fighting for human rights?

  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory:
    • For the dead-poor, the best course of action is to devote all of one's scant money into lottery tickets.
    • Augustus - All fat people are lazy, greedy, Jerkass gluttons who have nobody but themselves (and maybe their parents) to blame for their fatness, and who fully deserve whatever mishaps befall them.
    • Violet - Chewing gum is an offense as severe as being a totaly evil Spoiled Brat, and more severs than being ready to call everybody else a loser and beating them up.
    • It's perfectly rational to increase your revenue selling a product that you personally detest, along with everybody who uses it ( chewing gum), and also OK to hate people who most likely got fat eating your main product (chocolate).
    • Chocolate is harmless. Period. Unless it makes you fat.
    • Kids are always Genre Blind, no matter how clever they are.

  • Charlotte's Web: People will believe anything a sign says.

  • Codex Alera: All members of a democratic assembly are automatically delusional, Smug Snake Obstructive Bureaucrats.
    • If you have been persecuted all your life for being on the wrong end of a meritocracy, what you should do when you get the chance is reverse that meritocracy to favour you. As long as you're on top, who cares about equality, or democracy, or sparing innocent people the discrimination you yourself have endured?
    • Your intelligence level and nothing else, defines your importance to society. You can't compensate for stupidity using, say, compassion, or strength, or magical ability, or creativity. Intellect is the only thing that matters and the only trait that will ever give your life value.
    • Raw talent always wins out over skill. There's no point in spending years training to hone your magic, because someone who's naturally gifted in the element opposed to yours will always defeat you.

  • The Color Purple: Lesbian sex grants confidence and self-esteem.

  • Confessions of a Video Vixen: It's completely okay and reasonable for you to sleep your way to the top in the entertainment industry. Your just doing what it takes to advance your life/career/business whatever. If people disagree they're either naive, unrealistic, or jealous of the success that you got from it. Things like cars, jewelry, money and job opportunities (that and the fact you got to sleep with tons of famous, powerful, celebs). In fact sleeping around is just another form of "networking" . (Interestingly enough this is actually what some people got from the book.)

  • Coraline: You should be perfectly happy with whatever parents you have, even if they never have time for you, feed you with something barely eatable and then expect you not to disturb them when they are at home. At least they don't lock you inside the mirror, try to sew buttons onto your eyes and feed off your life energy. Parental Neglect is not really a problem!

  • Cthulhu Mythos: Different=Bad. Anything that you don't understand or is not like you is by definition horrifying, and all non-whites are either simple lower-class brutes or members of dangerous cults.

  • Death In Venice: That weird middle-aged man who watches and follows your incredibly attractive underage son around? Completely harmless. In fact, he’s actually concerned for your family’s well-being! Remember, he warned you about that encroaching cholera epidemic? There’s no need to alert the authorities!

  • Deenie: "I wanted you to have it better than I did" is a perfectly valid reason to push one daughter into being a supermodel against her will and punish another for liking a boy who isn't her intellectual equal.

  • ''Discworld”:
    • Hogfather: If you don't believe in Santa Claus, you're not human.
      • No, that's the original "Yes, Virginia" monologue. Seriously.
    • Equal Rites: You can become the trailblazing first of your gender in a prestigious work if you then sneak off to your office and never show sign of your existence to your colleagues.
    • Night Watch: Protesting a corrupt, repressive government will just make things worse.
      • Well technically, that was the Aesop of Les Misérables, which it's clearly based upon...
    • Truth in television: Military revolutions against a corrupt dictator often lead to a new government that's just as bad.

  • Dogs of the Drowned City: If your followers want to spread propaganda declaring you the infallible, godlike savior of mankind, let them!

  • Don Quixote: If you're nuts, you'll be the only person in the entire universe anyone remembers.

  • Dune:
    • A drug addict should rule the universe as long as he proves it by killing lots of people, forcing a princess to marry him, and then ignoring her while having sex with a desert barbarian who wears smelly clothes. His mother will be very proud of him.
    • Teenagers who threaten to destroy civilization are really cool.
    • Never trust your doctor?
    • People who live in countries with lots of water like reading about how wussy they are.
    • Hallucinogenic drugs are just awesome.

  • Earth's Children: Sexual compatibility equals true love.
    • Also, feel free to date a Nice Guy for several months, agree to marry him, and then ditch him at the altar. Doing so is an act of compassion. He'll understand. In fact, he'll feel sad that he doesn't get to marry such an awesome woman as you- not angry or betrayed or used at all.

  • Ella Enchanted: The fact that your own personal life is hell is no reason to disobey those in authority. Only if your love interest in threatened should you act independently.

  • Enchantress from the Stars: A woman should never use her abilities against the enemy. Rather, she should teach those abilities to her Love Interest, then willfully put herself in danger, so her Love Interest can save her with those new powers and win the day. Doing so will make you a Strong Female Character

  • Foundation: According to mathematics, unless you're literally not human, you can do nothing to change the course of history and even if you think you're changing the course of history, you're just helping it along.
    • Unless you know the mathematics yourself. Which is a good reason to keep it secret.

  • Fight Club:

  • Green Eggs and Ham:
    • If you want convince someone to try new things, stalk and pester them to do what you want, never giving them a moment's rest until they cave in. Consider sweetening the deal by changing the locale and/or getting cute animals involved.
    • If someone tries to get you to do something, especially if they pester you about it. Try the food, drink that beer, smoke the pot, bury that hooker's body — whatever anyone wants you to do, you should do, because someone else told you to, a lot. Peer pressure is awesome, and must be obeyed.
    • Dodgy-looking meat and animal byproducts are delicious and not at all likely to give you food poisoning.

  • Gossip Magazines: It's perfectly fine to pry into people's private lives if they're famous.

  • Gossip Girl:
    • Sex, fashion, and high school gossip are the only things that really matter in life; anything involving actual thought processes is superfluous and irrelevant.
    • You can get away with anything and get anything you want if you're rich, skinny, and blonde. If anyone gets in your way or objects, then they're just jealous.

  • Hannibal: Kidnap, torture and mind-rape is acceptable if the crazy guy gets some.

  • Any novel written by Harold Bell Wright:
    • Nature is good and pure. Cities or any form of civilization are evil and corrupt.
    • All wealthy people are evil.
    • Sexual desire is evil. Any man who feels the slightest bit of lust towards a woman, even if he never acts on it in any way, is brutish and cruel.
    • Any woman who takes pride in her appearance is evil.

  • Heidi: It's okay to destroy handicapped people's only means of support as a form of therapy.
    • Also, don't ever feel sympathy for disabled people. They choose to be disabled. They choose to live a painful, frustrating life. If a person can't overcome crippling injury or lifelong illness through sheer force of will, then they must not have wanted it enough.

  • His Dark Materials:

  • Honor Harrington: Half blind women who talk to cats, think they are Horatio Hornblower and commit ghastly acts of violence are the mark of true civilization.

  • Horatio Hornblower : Englishmen are way cooler then anyone else. Frenchmen are evil. Spaniards are lazy. Arabs are...

  • Horton Hears a Who!:
    • That guy who insists inanimate objects are talking to him is absolutely right, and trying to cure him of his craziness is tantamount to genocide.
    • Shunning someone and emotionally torturing them for having an imaginary friend is just fine, as long as you have a scapekangaroo in case everything turns!

  • How the Grinch Stole Christmas!:
    • Only people who have something fundamentally wrong with them (shoes too tight, head not screwed on right, heart two sizes too small) could possibly have any reason to dislike a holiday they don't celebrate, especially one that generates so much noise it can be heard up a mountain a mile away.
    • Comply, absolutely, with society or go fuck yourself.
    • If you find that someone robbed you on Christmas morning, all you have to do is sing a joyous song about how his actions did not prevent Christmas

  • How To Teach Filthy Rich Girls: If it's the only way to get certain people to like and trust you, it's okay to lie about your entire life and identity as long as you plan to tell the truth once you succeed.

  • On A Pale Horse don't shoot at The Grim Reaper unless you or your girlfriend have a Fetish for her getting kidnapped and having Electric Torture on her breasts.

  • Inheritance Cycle: Unleashing years of warfare on peasants is acceptable if you are tied to both of the master races. Also, women, except those belonging to the aforementioned master race, are useless.

  • Jane Austen:
    • Pride and Prejudice: Breaking promises leads to Happily Ever After. ~ Elizabeth
      • No, it's that telling people not to get engaged is guaranteed to make sure they will. ~ Mr. Darcy
    • Emma: Shipping is evil.
    • Persuasion: Taking your friends' advice is always right... ALWAYS, regardless of the results, regardless of circumstances. Especially if you're a woman. ~ Anne Elliot

  • Jedi Academy Trilogy:

  • Les Misérables:
    • If you ever attempt to change society, you are doomed to fail.
    • A policeman who chases the logical but incorrect suspect or is obsessive about his work should go to Hell.
    • Gals, let men control your life. Odds are, you'll be a victim, a villain, a whore or a characterless rich man's daughter, so there's little or no chance that you'll ever do anything important - except maybe just dying.
    • The pretty rich girl always wins out over the poor girl, even when the poor girl has known the guy for much longer and the guy in question is a revolutionary who supposedly doesn't care about issues of class.

  • Lord of the Flies:

  • Matilda: You'd totally be able to do magic if you weren't too intellectually occupied learning things at school.

  • McTeague:
    • You have a deformed wife who wants to save money rather than spend it? Beat her to death with your bare fists! It's more than perfectly okay to do that!
    • It's also more than perfectly okay to run your family like a military and beat the ever living shit out of your youngest son because he started whining. Everyone else will either ignore your abusive behavior or actually condon and mimic it! To hell with the kid's emotional and mental welfare!

  • Memoirs of a Geisha: If you see a little girl in trouble, arrange for her to become a glorified call girl. When she grows up, she'll be more than happy to repay you with hot lovin'!

  • Mistborn:
    • Hey kids, eat flakes of metal and you'll get awesome superpowers!
    • Do you constantly hear a disembodied voice telling you to kill everyone you meet? Don't worry, you're not crazy - that's just Satan!

  • My Sister's Keeper: If it happens to be your lot in life to make sacrifices for your sibling, up to and including your kidney, suck it up. If you try to assert yourself, fate will intervene and your braindead body will end up being used for parts anyway.

  • 1984:

  • Norse Mythology :

  • Of Mice and Men: Engaging in pleasant small talk with a woman while on the job will inevitably result in all of your and your friends' future dreams and goals being destroyed.

  • Orlando: A Biography: If you ever find yourself in a situation where you spontaneously switch sexes for no apparent reason, you should just shrug it off and immediately get on with your life as if nothing had changed.

  • Percy Jackson and the Olympians: If you feel neglected by your parents, you have every right to join forces with an evil dictator.

  • The Works of Piers Anthony (all of them):
    • A man's word is his bond. Always. Once given, it is binding and inviolate. It doesn't matter if the Big Bad forced your promise at literal gunpoint, or blatantly lied to you about the circumstance of said promise. Keep your word at all times, even if the promise was given on your behalf before you were born by someone with neither legal nor moral right to do so in your society. Or suffer ill-defined, barely alluded-to consequences!
    • A woman is only as good as the man she's banging.
    • The natural state of man is Knuckle-dragging Rape-Brained Lout and men should be praised for not succumbing to the natural urge to be a Mr Hyde-like rape monster.
    • Marriage is the only way to find happiness. Anyone who thinks they can find fulfillment in research on the nature of the world, doing important work for the benefit of pretty much everyone else, or living a pleasurable life of bachelorehood just needs to find the right person to find their significant other and then they can forget the whole thing and settle down to a life of wedded bliss.
    • It's perfectly okay for women to try and sexually molest men. Any man who tries to defend his personal space is a jerk.
    • There's nothing wrong with adult men banging barely pubescent girls.

  • Raymond Carver:
    • A person is completely unable to form a meaningful connection with any other person, so don't bother trying.
    • Your life WILL SUCK.

  • Shannara: A nuclear war will eventually lead to a fantasy world

  • Sherlock Holmes:
    • Go on kids, take cocaine. It will totally turn you into an intellectual badass, equally adept at both deducing a man's entire life from the stain on his left sleeve and whomping people's asses in bar fights. Only downside - you may forget whether the sun revolves around the earth or vice versa.
    • More Values Dissonance than a warped aesop: Many folks of the era did consider cocaine in that way (see also: absinthe).
    • Alternatively, social skills, cultural literacy, basic concern for one's health, and any attempts to have a meaningful social (let alone romantic) life are merely distractions. Overspecialization will turn you into a total badass, and even if you're a bit of a jerk, fate will find you a compatible long-suffering life partner.
    • Are you a rich, smart detective with the backing of Scotland Yard? Know a group of plucky orphans who could use a good home? Use them as your spies, pay them to put their little short lives in peril to satisfy your curiosities and give them some group name. Don't bother using your clout with the Scotland Yard police to give them a second chance at a better life.

  • Star Wars, Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, Eragon, and oh so many others: who gives a shit if you have a life? Who, for that matter, gives a shit if you fall in love, get a job, change the world? So long as the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE(s) survives and is kept happy, you're basically cannon fodder. If you've ever been in proximity of the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE(s), you're cannon fodder with makeup and a voice.
    • Additional: Being the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE also gives you carte blanche to be a whiny jackass in many cases. Don't worry; being the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE means everyone has to put up with you.
      • If you're a mentor, teacher or friend to the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE. Congrats! You are officially above the law and don't have any obligation to tell the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE or anyone else the truth. As long as you can thinly disguise your actions as being for the greater good then life will bend over backwards to justify your actions. If the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE whines about this tell him he's stupid until he gets back in line.
      • For Eragon specifically: Mercy and sympathy are for suckers. Who cares that the enemy soldiers you slaughter enmasse are conscripts with no say in the matter, or that your brother is magically compelled to work for the Big Bad, or that you've doomed a species to extinction and the last survivor's final request is for the memory of his race to continue, or even that the guy completely at your mercy had fairly understandable reasons to do what he did. Hell, don't even consider that the city your allies are about to destroy hates the Empire and committed no crime beyond cutting down a few trees, like every city needs to do to survive. Kill or torment them all you want, and do not even consider treating them like human beings. Nobody will ever call you on it. Also, the only reason the Big Bad is any worse than you, your allies, or the old order everyone's so fond of is because he's not an elf or a worshipper of elves.
      • For Harry Potter specifically: Do you hate being the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE because all it has ever done is bringing you the death of your friends, contempt and jealousy from your rivals and even from your own best friend, the breakup with your love interest, the murder of your original family which in turn put you with an abusive adoptive family and years later killed the closest thing you ever had as a father, and last but not least made you a living walking target for the most psychotic cult leader ever lived? Well fuck you then because thats life of being the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE so just shut it and take it as a man. Fate has decided to make you the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE and no one says no to fate without harsh punishment so there is nothing you can do about it. So forget your dreams about a normal life because you ain't getting it until fate thinks you have done your job for it.
      • On that note for Harry Potter, if one subset of society is different from the rest of society, of course it is wrong for outright hatred and genocide between the two groups. That said, the two groups should remain completely separated and oblivious of each other. If someone born to one group has attributes of the other group, they should immediately join the former, basically having few connections to their families. Nobody will ever question this status quo. EVER.
    • Subversion (for Star Wars only): You are not the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE. Your father is. But you have to be electrocuted in order for him to know it.
    • Cheer up orphans! Your family didn't abandon you because of abuse, neglect, tragic accidents, or socioeconomic reasons, it's because you're the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE, and your family just left you behind because they wanted you to rise to greatness! You should hold out for the mysterious bearded guy who will come any day now and whisk you off to train to be the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE, because he's trying to find you.

  • 1632:
    • Make sure you stock up on firearms and keep a local copy of wikipedia just in case you get transported into the Seventeenth Century.
    • The United Mine Workers of America are tougher then any Prince in Europe.

  • Story Of An Hour: If for some reason you're mistaken for dead, don't bother showing up alive. Your wife was happy that you died and will have a heart attack as soon as you return.

  • The Asian Saga: For white men living/working in Asia, Mighty Whitey and Mellow Yellow is their prerogative.

  • The Awakening: If you feel unhappy in your relationship, you shouldn't tell your husband. You should Wangst about it, have an affair, Wangst about it, have an affair with another guy, Wangst about how the first guy wants to run away with you, then kill yourself. Never mind that your children and husband are going to suffer for your actions, as long as you can go swimming, it's all good.

  • Brokeback Mountain: You shouldn't attempt to establish any meaningful commitment with your lover. If they ever ask about living with you, you should avoid the issue by having sex with them.

  • The Crucible:
    • If you speak up, you don't deserve to live.
    • Also, if you're caught doing something against the law, you should confess immediately, but while doing so, you should also accuse several innocent bystanders of doing the same thing (bonus points if they're upstanding citizens that you happen not to like). Not only will the authorities forgive you immediately, but they'll let you testify against the people you accused. And anyone who doesn't follow your lead may be publicly ostracized and executed.
    • Considering that the play was meant to show people the similarities of the 1950's red scare and the witch hunts, this was a sarcastic endorsement of McCarthyism. It even got Miller put on the FBI list of suspected communist for its obvious analogy.

  • The Chronicles of Narnia:
    • Only the pure, mindlessly faithful will survive.
    • The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: Humans cause global warming.
    • The Last Battle: organized religion is twisting true and honest faith with it's lies, use false, perverted image of loving and real god to justify slavery and murder, the pope is a monkey, the only god you can find in a church is an E Ldritch Abomination that will eat you or make you revert backwards in evolution and atheists are either evil manipulators behind organized religion who use it to control mindless crowds or it's victims.
    • Battles are ugly when women fight. However, if a woman turns away from battles and towards girly things, like looking pretty, she deserves total condemnation.

  • The Devil and Daniel Webster: It's perfectly okay to cheat your way out of your end of a contract after the other guy's already upheld his, since the other guy is clearly evil.

  • The Draka:
    • Slavery works really well, and we should bring it back.
    • Africa has the potential to lead the world culturally, technologically, and militarily - just as long as they're controlled by white people.
    • Even in an Alternate Universe, white South Africans will always, always be racists.

  • The Dresden Files:
    • Everything in the Fantasy Kitchen Sink is out to get you. Personally. It's probably for the best that you don't tell anyone about the dangers, they won't believe you anyway.
    • If they stole your girlfriend, you should attack the royalty of another nation. If it's in the name of love, it's alright.
    • If someone threatens your family, you are perfectly justified in DESTROYING THEIR ENTIRE SPECIES.
    • You can make large-scale use of The Dark Side, and no one will care as long as it's cool enough.
    • Also, if a woman shows attraction for you, run. There's at least a 95% chance she's mind controlled and/or wants your soul.
    • If you're male, being willing to do anything to save your daughter from a horrific, undeserved death is a bad thing. (If you're a woman, it's perfectly fine and will be considered admirable.)
      • Similarly, if a budding mage brainwashes people and thus causes the death of multiple innocents, you should risk your life to protect her from those trying to execute her for breaking the law. It's The Moral Thing to do, and anyone who disagrees with you is Lawful Stupid.
    • If a friend of yours attempts suicide and continually shows signs of depression, don't tell anyone else or suggest that he see a therapist. He can probably take care of it on his own.
    • People who let emotional trauma influence their decisions in any way are reckless and selfish for doing so. It is your moral duty to talk down to them until they feel guilty.
    • Christians are either selfless paragons of morality or tyrannical Knight Templars. There is no middle ground.
    • If you manifest strange, unearthly powers that you don't understand, the first person you should tell is the mysterious, bloodstained warrior who shows up occasionally at your house.
    • Even if a group of self-righteous extremists have made your life hell for decades on end, you are still morally obligated to rescue them from trouble and uphold their laws with that life.
    • Clearly, a person who threatens to rape you can be trusted with your life and Undying Loyalty. It's just common sense.

  • The Elenium:
    • Sure, trick the guy who raised you into marrying you- why not? It's not like he's got a real reason to object- if he does, just act depressed until he gives in.
    • The Tamuli: Benevolent dictatorship, in the form of absolute monarchy, is the only good form of government. You are justified in using tactics up to and including continent-wide mass assassinations in order to dismantle the bureaucracy and return total power to the monarch.
    • It's totally ok to keep an entire race in slavery. Even they will insist that they love it, even to the point of calling their owner an idiot for trying to free them!

  • The Giving Tree:
    • If you really love someone, you should give them everything they ask of you without requesting anything in return - absolutely everything, right down to your whole existence. You should be happy to do this, even if they take everything from you, show not the smallest scrap of gratitude, and eventually leave you without looking back, because eventually, when you have nothing left to give, they'll come back.
    • And on the other side of the coin: all your relationships are to be looted for all possible benefits. They are nothing but resources, even if they don't know it yet. Oh, but don't worry. They never, ever leave you and will always take you back.
      • If your mummy doesn't give you everything you want, she doesn`t really love you!
    • Trees only grow to a certain point, and after that never grow anymore. They won't even replace branches that have been cut off.

  • The Good Earth: If you have any ambitions above subsistence agriculture, you will inevitably become decadent and corrupt.

  • The Grapes of Wrath: All attempts at honest work are futile and will bring you nothing but misery.

  • Gone with the Wind: If a man rapes you, it's just a sign of his overwhelming love for you!

  • The High Crusade: Military technology is for wusses. True Englishmen conquer the galaxy with longbows.

  • The Hunt for Red October: Mutiny, treason, and the stealing of multibillion dollar pieces of equipment from your employer are admirable activities.

  • The Hunger Games: It's okay to brutally attack your best friend and try to kill her. In fact, doing so will make her realize how much she loves you and wants to be with you.
    • It's perfectly ethical to join a rebelling army that kills many innocent people and bombs population centers. But if someone you personally cared about was killed, you are morally justified in killing their murderer.

  • The Icelandic Sagas: Feuding, piracy, and savagery are an honorable way to live.

  • The Iliad:
    • Marital problems should be solved by burning cities down.
    • It's worthwhile to start a war to rescue one adulterous woman, but afterwards, you should kill her for letting you fight a war over her.
    • The Odyssey: If you disappear off the face of the Earth for 20 years, you have every right to be infuriated to find that someone tried to marry your wife when you eventually DO get home. The best thing to do is disguise yourself as a hobo, get everyone drunk, then beat them all to death so that you can reclaim your throne.

  • The Kiesha'ra Series:
    • People accused of rape should be put to death immediately. Without trial. It's not like someone might be trying to frame them or anything.
    • Don't trust your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. She may seem amiable and understanding, but secretly she's plotting to assassinate you and start a war.
    • It's okay to put your life and the lives of everyone you care about in the hands of a mentally ill woman who has frequent hallucinations and is openly loyal to an enemy country. People like that are always trustworthy.

  • The Lord of the Rings:
    • It is impossible to use your enemy's own weapons against them. Even considering it will screw you over.
    • The Return of the King: People with addictions should at first be pitied, but only so that their addictions can be used as bait when you need to kill them.
    • And if your country has a lousy leader, the best thing to do is bring back a King, since monarchs are inherently better rulers, even if he's done nothing but roam around the woods his whole life.
      • That may be an intended aesop.
    • No matter what form of government you have had for 2,500 years, as soon as a guy wanders in saying that he's the last descendant of the long lost royal family, you should abandon that government and lifestyle in favor of putting him on the throne. After all, it's not like that family was directly responsible for unleashing a WMD on a pastoral nation and bring about cycles of warfare for over two millenia, right?
    • The Saruman vs. Ents subplot: Don't harm nature... or the trees will kick your ass.
    • The best strategy is to put a doomsday weapon where your enemy can capture it.
    • All those swarthy people to the East and dark people to the South may or may not be inherently evil, but they are highly susceptible to being conscripted into The Horde by the local Evil Overlord, so you're better off conquering and ruling them for their own good sooner rather than later. All the quality people went as far West as they could get as fast as they could get a long time ago.

  • The Metamorphosis:
    • Don't bother helping your struggling family. Chances are they really don't need your help after all and are just using you for convenience.
    • Your family's troubles are your fault. You should die so they'll finally be able to pick themselves up and make better lives for themselves.
    • Don't count on family or loved ones to help you in your time of need, especially if your appearance has been drastically altered. They'll lock you in your room and try to kill you if you leave.
      • Knowing Kafka, all of the above are the intended Aesop, actually.

  • The Mists of Avalon: Blondes are trouble, especially if they're also agoraphobic monotheists.
    • It's okay to force a woman into having sex with strangers. If the woman feels anxious about this or tries to escape being pimped out, she's a selfish bitch.
    • A woman can't truly be confident or empowered unless she considers herself superior to all men.
    • A woman can't truly be confident or empowered unless she worships the One True Goddess. If she follows a different religion or, Goddess forbid, no religion at all, then she's just a poor deluded sheep.
      • Related: It's wrong to try and force other people to change their religious beliefs...unless you're trying to convert them to the religion you follow, which is The One True Way.
    • A woman who judges people solely on their gender is wise and spiritually enlightened. A man who does the same is unfair and misogynistic.
    • Your personality and destiny are solely defined by who your parents were. So if your life doesn't turn out the way you wanted, blame Mom and Dad!
      • The flip side: Don't choose a partner based on compatibility or lifestyle- just who you'll have the best babies with.
    • It's perfectly okay to let a group of elitist strangers control your sex life. In fact, if you ever try to make your own choices or Screw Destiny, it will lead to a Bad Future in which everything ever dies.

  • The Mortal Instruments: It's not incest if you didn't know he was your brother.

  • The Neverending Story:
    • Give a fat, bullied geek muscles and good looks, and he will gradually turn into a megalomaniac warlord who won't stop at threatening his best friend.
    • His imaginary best friend, when he stops admiring what- for lack of a better word- is his creator (or at least the reason for his existence in the first place).

  • The Princess Diaries:
    • It's okay to establish a hate site to trash your best friend, humiliate her in public, and generally make her life hell, as long as you feel really, really sorry about it years afterwards.
    • Don't make friends with social outcasts unless/until you become one of them. Popular opinion is always right, except for when it turns against you.
    • All feminists are sexist, man-hating freaks who can't appreciate pop culture or enjoy modern music.
    • All men want sex. All the time. There is no such thing as an asexual man, or a man who abstains because of his religion, or a man who simply has other things on his mind. They all want sex, and if your boyfriend isn't pressuring you to sleep with him, he doesn't really love you.
    • If your teacher doesn't give you an A, she's automatically a cruel, judgemental Philistine who's crushing your dreams and doesn't want you to succeed.
      • Also, talent always equals skill. If you're naturally good at writing, you will never need to grow as a writer or further hone your talent. Any teacher who tells you otherwise is crushing your dreams.

  • The Redemption of Althalus: Nobody cares that your father was murdered and you have to work with his killer. It's not like your feelings matter when it comes to saving the world, and you think he's hot, so what's the problem?

  • The works of Jean Paul Sartre: Sure, nihilism is not the answer, but you should still be a misanthropic Jerk Ass because everyone else in the whole world sucks.

  • The Sneetches: If everybody got cosmetic surgery, the world would be a better place.

  • The Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries:
    • It doesn't matter how badly you treat all the men around you, they will want you.
    • Reading minds is completely horrible and ruins your life- unless you're blond and pretty. Then you can solve mysteries that are tenuously, at best, connected to you.
    • You should stay in a house you can't really afford, in a town where the people who don't treat you with pity, scorn and/or fear can be counted on one hand (fewer still if you remove any supernaturals), even when you had several chances to leave with help from others (who actually like you). Why? Because that's where you belong.

  • The Stranger: Arabs are not really people. In fact, no one except you is really a person. Their lives don't matter. Nothing matters.
    • The best way to argue for existentialism is to argue for nihilism instead.

  • The Sword of Truth series:
    • If you come to believe in your own moral infallibility, you will at best become a frothing Knight Templar who cheerfully butchers pacifists. At worst, you'll wind up a Complete Monster. (Which is actually a pretty good Aesop, just not what the author intended.)
    • He has a couple more really warped ones: organized sports, especially the general concept of athletes being treated as highly desirable sexual partners, are evil. Organized religion is evil. Pacifism is evil.
    • And Richard suffers from the whole "Magic Chosen One" thing listed above.
    • Chickens are evil.
    • It's okay to break a child's jaw if you think she's possessed by an evil spirit.

  • The Railway Series/Thomas the Tank Engine:
    • Bullies will keep coming back to torment you, no matter what you or the adults in authority try to do about it.
    • In addition: Technological progress is bad and we should do everything in our power to stop it.
    • Your worth as an individual hinges on the judgement of a how useful you are to a fat man in a top hat.
    • Diesel engines are evil incarnate.
    • If you got into a serious accident, whether some trucks had played tricks on you or if someone messed with your controls which caused you to crash into a building, you got no one to blame but yourself.
    • If someone doesn't have anything nice to say to you, take matters into your own hands (or buffers) to play a trick on them to teach them sense or at least wait for their harsh karmic punishment.
    • If you complain about being overworked, bad things will happen to you.

  • To Kill a Mockingbird:
    • Judge a species' worthiness of life based on how pleasant its behaviour is.
    • Even THAT makes no sense! Mockingbirds are MEAN motherfuckers!
    • Judge a species' worthiness of life based on its singing ability. The members of said species could be incredibly cruel, but they sound pretty.

  • Twilight:
    • As long as you really love him, it's okay to let him stop you from visiting friends, break into your house at night, hurt you when you sleep together, get married at a young age, and have a child less than a year after marriage. And, if you really want to show your love, the best way is to cut off all your relationships with everyone but him!
    • Females, regardless of age, have no worth outside of their relationship with a man.
    • It's acceptable, even admirable, for men to fall in love with a small child.
      • Additionally, Hikaru Genji totally had the right idea when it came to child grooming.
    • If a woman doesn't want to be married and have kids, then there's something desperately wrong with her.
      • And if she can't have kids, then there's something twice as wrong with her.
      • Actually, Bella believes exactly the opposite; "wanting to get married before sex is so out of date it's idiotic. Marriage is a pointless institution! I'm agreeing to live with you for the rest of eternity, but we're NOT getting married, that's crazy talk!" It's the narrative that proves her wrong and establishes the warped Aesop. Although that's probably an intended Aesop, too.
    • You'll be happier dead than without your boyfriend.
    • It's entirely okay, if not recommended, to establish romantic relationships entirely on personal appearances.
    • Abuse is ok as long as he is hot!
    • What's wrong with marrying young?
    • Women have no choice in their relationships. Once a guy has singled you out as his, there is no escape.
    • Just because he ripped half your face off when you refused to go out with him doesn't mean he doesn't love you! Also, if he goes into a downward spiral afterwards because of his actions, you should instantly forgive him and become the perfect housewife for him and all his friends.
      • Be sure that you apologize for upsetting him so much that he had to rip off half your face in order to change your mind.
    • Screw The Guy Next Door who actually knows and understands you. Go for the relationship with an attractive stranger with whom you have no actual chemistry or compatibility whatsoever!
    • Necrophilia is awesome. So is bestiality. And pedophilia.
      • Wouldn't the logical answer then be to have sex with a dead puppy?
      • Don't give the author ideas for sequels!
    • Come on, guys. You didn't even have to try with that one, did you?
    • Months of self-imposed isolation and attempted suicide are healthy responses to your boyfriend leaving you
    • Stalking, kidnapping, breaking and entering, false imprisonment and theft are all expressions of true love
    • There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend forcing you to break off all contact with friends and family members he disapproves of
    • Admitting that, deep down, you would like to kill and eat your significant other is romantic.
    • Lust (in the guise of a Magical Native American) is always wrong. Abstinence (in the guise of a guy who can give you a Fate Worse than Death even if he doesn't want to) is always right.
    • If he attempts suicide, he is showing that he loves you. The best way to show your affection is to commit suicide. If he tries to stop you, it's because he doesn't want you around for very long.
    • Stable relationships are only for the dead and necrophiliacs.
    • A man without massive amounts of body glitter is unattractive.
    • It's perfectly okay for your boyfriend to blackmail you into marrying him, endanger your life, and cause you to be in terrible agony for two days straight. It's all in the name of love.
      • Additionally, there's nothing wrong with marrying a guy who refuses to have sex with you even though you're both aware that A:) Sex is something that you want very much from him and B:) Once married, you fully and reasonably expect to spend the rest of your life having sex.
    • If your daughter breaks her hand trying to slap the boy who forced a kiss on her, feel free to compliment him on his sexual aggression.
      • Continuing from the above: If a girl refuses your romantic advances, you should force a kiss on her, not stopping even if she clearly struggles and tries to pull away.
    • Ladies - don't waste your time on those boring, friendly boys who offer to help you get used to your new school, or invite you to hang out with their clique. Clearly, there's something wrong with them. What you want to do is hold out for the guy who sits in the darkest corner of the room and glares at you.
    • If your father is trying to stop you from dating someone he disapproves of, then he obviously doesn't want you to be happy. You should marry the guy and do everything you can to cut your father out of your life. First chance you get, have your husband's family tell him you died and leave the country.

  • Uller Uprising by H. Beam Piper:
    • Native populations who don't immediately fuse their culture with yours must be crushed underfoot and, if possible, nuked.
    • The Fuzzy series: The natives don't stand a chance of surviving without help from us civilised folks.
    • Space Viking: it's OK to do horrible things to countless people, so long as you eventually begin grafting together a few measly trade agreements.

  • Waiting for Godot: Life is banal, repetitive, and hopeless, so go hang yourself.... Nah, don't. There might be vegetables in your pocket.

  • Warrior Cats:
    • If you're a doctor and you fall in love with anyone, you're automatically an irresponsible, morally bankrupt traitor to your clan, and they are completely justified in exiling you from the only home you've ever known. There's no way that doctors can balance work with a love life, and if you refuse to unquestioningly accept the religion and cultural norms of your clan, everyone will think you are a bad person and turn against you, no matter how competent you are at your job.
      • Actually, that first sentence also applies to clan leaders. Also, leaders- don't ever try to have families or cultivate a life outside your job, (unless you're the main protagonist) because all your loved ones are going to die anyway.
    • Always follow the commands of Heaven's inhabitants, no matter how contradictory, useless, or stupid they may seem.
    • If the woman you love decides to date someone other than you, you should make attempts to kill her family and ruin her life. It's all morally pure because you did it for love, so you'll even get into heaven upon your death!
    • If a naïve, foreign teenager is recruited into your clan and constantly questions your beliefs and culture, you should promote him as soon as possible and admire his curious spirit. If someone born in your clan constantly questions your beliefs and culture, they are a traitor and should be chastised for their lack of faith.
    • In fact, all foreigners are bad people unless they believe exactly what you believe.
    • If your half-brother, like you, has endured unjust oppression and distrust all of his life because of who his father was, you should not want to be close with or support him and your peers are perfectly right in wanting to ostracise him.
    • If you are socially isolated from your clan for committing a crime, a marriage of convenience will make them all feel better about you.
      • Also, don't feel obliged to actually show any love toward a child that results from said marriage. You'll never have to deal with any repercussions for neglecting him, even if he grows up to be an evil, vengeful fanatic who leads attacks against your clan.
    • If your ancestors made a tragic mistake generations ago that has almost no repercussions on anyone in the present day, you should do everything in your power to fix it. Even if that means abandoning the clan that relies on your leadership. And risking your own life pointlessly to trek miles away to a completely unknown destination.
    • When assigning a second-in-command, choose your best friend over the wise, experienced veteran, even if both are loyal to you.
    • It's okay to be a Jerkass who treats everyone like crap except for his love interests. No one will ever call you out on your cruel behaviour, and you'll still be a total Chick Magnet.
    • Unity and peace between clans is necessary, when the plot demands it. Once that world-threatening disaster has passed, feel free to start fighting and murdering each other again. Also, anyone who advocates a life of not murdering their neighbours is automatically evil, their pacifism simply a cunning plot to destroy everything you hold dear.
    • Change is good, when brought by a protagonist. Any antagonist who suggests change is irredeemably evil.
  • Rainbow Fish: self-mutilation will make you happy and popular.

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