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Warp That Aesop: Fairy Tales And Nursery Rhymes
- "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs": If you are the ‘fairest of them all’ everything will turn out alright in the end with no work on your part. That woodcutter who was ordered to kill you? Don’t worry, you’re pretty so he’ll let you go (this will probably lead to his death but who cares about him?). Break into the house belonging to seven total strangers? Don’t worry; they think you’re beautiful so you can live with them. Refuse to learn from you’re mistakes by letting the evil Queen trick you three times? Don’t worry, the first two times the Dwarfs will save you and the third time a rich, handsome prince you’ve never met will save you because him fell instantly in love with you (despite the fact he thought you’re dead when he first meets you).
- Let’s just hope the Prince never meets anyone more beautiful than Snow White because if he does his love for her will instantly die.
- On the other hand, if you are only the second fairest then you’re doomed to become evil, in the vain attempt to rid yourself of your rival.
- Find a beautiful, but dead girl? Go ahead, kiss them. They'll come back to life and instantly fall in love with you.
- Conversely, it's okay to want to kiss dead girls, as long as they come back to life, no one will question your motives and bend over backwards to retroactively justify your deed.
- "Jack and the Beanstalk": In the Hogfather Susan tells the children this ‘And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.’
- Blow all your money on beans. One of them leads to all the food and gold you could ever want!
- "The Frog Prince": In the original Brothers Grimm version of the story, the Princess was horribal to the poor frog for the entire story and the spell only broke when she threw him against a wall. However, the Prince still loved her and she got her ‘happily ever after’ because she was beautiful. Clearly the moral of the story is if you’re a Princess and pretty it doesn’t matter how much of a Jerk Ass you are beacause everyone will still love you.
- "The Emperor's New Clothes": Everyone is stupid. If you are clever enough to see what’s really going on then all you’ll get is Dope Slap. When they're the real dopes.
- "Cinderella": Put up with all the abuse your family can heap on you. They only hate you because you're beautiful, but that's all right, that same beauty that earned you the enmity of your relations is sure to catch you a rich guy in the end! Being a doormat and a pushover will only make you more attractive, and honey, you need it because God knows your looks are your only way out.
- Oh, and shoe size is a good way of choosing a wife.
- The Star Talers: Orphaned children are better left to fend for themselves, rather than adopted. This way they can get rich!
- Giving away only things you actually can do without is not charity, it's egoism.
- One shouldn't plan ahead for more than a few hours.
- "The Three Billy Goats Gruff ": Give your friends/family to the monster. It will probably work out for the best. If it doesn’t, who cares? You got away and that’s all that matters.
- If somebody is giving you trouble, just have your big brother beat him up.
- "Thumbelina": Forget about the kind old woman, who raised you as their own child, after wanting children all her life. Once people start realising how beautiful you are you don’t need family. You’ll end up getting a ‘happily ever after ending’ and the old women? Never mentioned again! It’s not like she was important or anything is it? Besides, I’m sure she’s just fine losing her only family.
- You should only marry someone exactly the same height as you.
- "The Gingerbread Man": If you're sentient and edible, you shouldn't try to avoid being eaten, because it's going to happen anyways.
- "Beauty and the Beast": If your husband is abusive, stay with him! You'll see him as a beautiful love of your life in no time!
- "The Pied Piper of Hamelin": Mass child abduction is a valid response to nonpayment of a debt.
- The Tortoise and the Hare (at least the version where the turtle's family pitch in and the rabbit doesn't take a nap): It's A-Ok to cheat during a race if your opponent is a Jerk Ass.
- Hush, Little Baby: If you cry long enough, as a child, your Mum will buy you anything from a mirror to a diamond ring to make you be quiet.
- "Rock A Bye Baby": Your parents hate you.
- "Goosey Goosey Gander": Atheism should be punished by murder.
- And you can totally just wander in someone's bedchamber while someone else is there.
- "Ten Little Indians": It's okay (and even funny) to make ethnic targets die in gruesome ways and even drive the last one to suicide.
- "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider": Hey kid, afraid of spiders? They're great at climbing and invulnerable to drowning. Just putting that out there. Sweet dreams.