Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: If you are the ‘fairest of them all’ everything will turn out alright in the end with no work on your part. That woodcutter who was ordered to kill you? Don’t worry, you’re pretty so he’ll let you go (this will probably lead to his death but who cares about him?). Break into the house belonging to seven total strangers? Don’t worry; they think you’re beautiful so you can live with them. Refuse to learn from your mistakes by letting the evil Queen trick you three times? Don’t worry, the first two times the Dwarfs will save you and the third time a rich, handsome prince you’ve never met will save you because he fell instantly in love with you (despite the fact he thought you were dead when he first meets you).
Fair skin is the epitome of beauty!
Let’s just hope the Prince never meets anyone more beautiful than Snow White because if he does his love for her will instantly die.
On the other hand, if you are only the second fairest then you’re doomed to become evil, in the vain attempt to rid yourself of your rival.
Find a beautiful, but dead girl? Go ahead, kiss them. They'll come back to life and instantly fall in love with you. Even if they are at most nine years old.
Conversely, it's okay to want to kiss dead girls, as long as they come back to life, no one will question your motives and bend over backwards to retroactively justify your deed.
The little guys who are your best friends are going to be forgotten once you marry that handsome rich guy you don't really know anything about.
Jack and the Beanstalk: In the Hogfather Susan tells the children this ‘And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.’
Blow all your money on beans. One of them leads to all the food and gold you could ever want!
The Frog Prince: In the original Brothers Grimm version of the story, the Princess was horrible to the poor frog for the entire story and the spell only broke when she threw him against a wall. However, the Prince still loved her and she got her ‘happily ever after’ because she was beautiful. Clearly the moral of the story is if you’re a Princess and pretty it doesn’t matter how much of a Jerk Ass you are beacause everyone will still love you.
Oh, and shoe size is a good way of choosing a wife.
The Star Talers: Orphaned children are better left to fend for themselves, rather than adopted. This way they can get rich!
Giving away only things you actually can do without is not charity, it's egoism.
One shouldn't plan ahead for more than a few hours.
The Three Billy Goats Gruff: Give your friends/family to the monster. It will probably work out for the best. If it doesn’t, who cares? You got away and that’s all that matters.
If somebody is giving you trouble, just have your big brother beat him up.
The grass is greener on the other side. If somebody is threatening your life when you try to get to the greener grass, you should sacrifice your siblings in order to satisfy your selfish greed.
Thumbelina: Forget about the kind old woman, who raised you as their own child, after wanting children all her life. Once people start realising how beautiful you are you don’t need family. You’ll end up getting a ‘happily ever after ending’ and the old women? Never mentioned again! It’s not like she was important or anything is it? Besides, I’m sure she’s just fine losing her only family.
You should only marry someone exactly the same height as you.
The Gingerbread Man: If you're sentient and edible, you shouldn't try to avoid being eaten, because it's going to happen anyways.
The fact that your wife is that delicate that a flipping pea is painful to them is a-ok and will in no way bode poorly for your sex life.
On the other hand, if you are a rich prince, it’s fine to be overly picky and look down on every woman you meet because she doesn’t meet your impossible personal standard of what a ‘real’ princess should be. Other stories have poor, hardworking and deserving girls becoming royalty but not this one! No, being the daughter of a reigning monarch does not qualify you as a ‘proper princess’ by this prince’s randomly decided check list.
If someone comes to you needing help don’t give it to them. Instead, you should manipulate them and run experiments on them without their knowledge. If they pass your test; Congratulations! You’ve just met the person you’re going to marry. If they fail your test then they didn’t deserve your help in the first place.