The Adding Machine: You're condemned to eternal suffering and oppression not because of anything you did or didn't do, but because of what you are and always were. Even literally starting your life over will only make it worse.
Chicago: Murder is a good way to launch a successful career in show business.
Murderesses make ideal heroines of musicals, but Nice Guys don't really belong in them.
If you like musicals, you're a murderous monster.
The Drowsy Chaperone: "Lovely is Always Lovely in the End", even without a good reason.
Evita: It's fine to make your way to the top by whatever means necessary and embezzle money and generally be corrupt as long as that was how everyone else did it before you.
(Meta) A story is much more interesting if the female is the scheming one, Real Life be damned.
Hamlet: Never hesitate too much before killing people.
Hairspray: A proper education is for losers. Break the rules, because detention is where the party is. Your high school romance, which is built solely on good times and bragging rights, will last forever. So forget about your education, find a partner, and have a blast. Life is just one big dance party.
"Who cares about sleep when you can snooze in school, you'll never get to college but you'll sure look cool..."
The Last Five Years: You can cheat on your wife for wanting to be close to you and share your success instead of playing second fiddle as long as do while singing the best song in the show.
Next To Normal: When your mother is undergoing dangerous treatment for severe mental illness, use the distraction to blatantly abuse prescription drugs and mistreat your boyfriend. Everyone will come to see you as the REAL hero in the end.
Oklahoma!: Is the girl you love going with somebody else to the box-social? You know what would be the perfect way to win her over? Finding that other dude and talking him into killing himself. Especially if he's the desperately lonely, unstable type who might actually go for it.
Once On This Island: If you fall in love with someone richer or whiter than you, don't follow your heart; the status quo will prove more important to him than his feelings for you.
Parade: You can fight an unjust court system for as long as you like, but it doesn't really matter, because even if you get them to listen, you'll still end up being lynched.
Also the aesop of Ragtime.
The Phantom of the Opera: You may be an incredibly talented artistic genius, but if you are not physically perfect, you are completely unlovable.
If you are a young, beautiful, talented, impressionable girl, then it is perfectly fine for a mysterious older man (who you can't see) to give you voice lessons alone in the middle of the night with nobody else around. In fact, he'll make you a STAR!
(Meta-ish) If a creepy older guy is stalking a younger girl, murders people, kidnaps the girl, and uses blackmail, just remember- Stalking Is Love. It's totally okay to think the girl should get together with the guy who stalks/murders/etc. After all, All Girls Want Bad Boys, right?
Pippin: The ultimate ambition of theatre people is for you to willingly die for their art.
RENT: No matter what, you will find love. That love will also conveniently have HIV if you have HIV. Unless you're a white, straight, middle-class guy with no diseases or obvious sexual eccentricities. Then you'll have to be content being the voyeur for your more interesting friends.
Love means never having to say you're sorry for cheating on someone.
Love is learning to accept a person for who they are, good or bad. Heroine addiction and all.
If you have HIV, you are under no obligation to tell somebody before having sex with them; they'll probably have it too, anyway.
The Power of Love and song is enough to counteract the effects of weeks of exposure, malnutrition, and heroin abuse.
Killing a dog is the best way to make quick money. Besides, any animal that makes too much noise deserves to die.
Having AIDS won't stop people from thinking that you're a jerk.
You cannot be an artist and hold down a job at the same time. Getting a job means you're serving the Man.
The Rocky Horror Show: If you find your fiancee has slept with the same guy you slept with only moments earlier, the best thing to do is to have sex with the nearest (literal) Brainless Beauty you can find for revenge....ya know...instead of confronting said fiancee and the guy you and him both slept with.
Also, if you don't agree with the lifestyle of your employer, the best thing to do is to shoot him.
Oh, and it's OK to kill someone just because they didn't like you.
Wanna have sex with someone you just met? Just promise said person you won't tell his/her fiance and it'll be A-OK!
If your story is strange enough, it'll be told by a man with no neck.
Secretly, everyone wishes they could dress in drag.
The best way to regain control of everyone as the world falls apart around you is to brainwash them and force them to perform a floorshow in an otherwise empty castle.
Romeo and Juliet: It's okay to abandon your home, family, friends, and responsibilities for a guy you only met two days ago.
It's okay to break into someone else's property and watch a teenage girl go to sleep if you're doing it in the name of love.
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers - Kidnapping women and forcing them to live on your property for several months will cause them to stay with you and bear your children when rescue comes.
Sorry, Wrong Number: The authorities are completely powerless to prevent a murder from occurring, no matter how much evidence is gathered ahead of time. So if anyone wants to murder you, you're screwed.
South Pacific: Selling your daughter into marriage to a foreigner she's never met before is perfectly acceptable, especially if she can be used to teach said foreigner a lesson about racism.
Cheating on your girlfriend is acceptable behavior, so long as the girl you cheat with is beautiful, wears little clothing and can teach you lessons about racism.
Girls from the Solomon Islands are way cooler then girls from New England. Believing otherwise is racism.
Spring Awakening: Go ahead, rape that girl in a hayloft. She's only saying "no", fighting back violently and sobbing because of the oppressive climate of prudishness in your quaint German village! Remember, you're liberating her! Even though you impregnate her and she has no idea what's happening to her barely-pubescent body, and her mother forces her to take abortifacent pills that end up causing a fatal hemorrhage, she'll always remember you as her faithful, adoring sweetheart! She'll come back as a ghost! You'll sing a song!
Adults are all the same. They are literally all the same.
If you are gay, you will vanish before act's end. If you are black (provided this is the Original Broadway Cast), your parents beat and sexually abuse you.
Sweeney Todd: It doesn't matter how many people you kill, so long as you get revenge on the one guy who actually matters. In fact, you can easily profit from mass murder to fund your revenge. And no-one will notice. Ever.
Good is restored only when all the main characters are dead except the small child who has learned to kill without feeling bad about it, the randy sailor who kidnaps the judge's adopted daughter, and the girl from the loony bin.
Always go to a reputable barber.
It's perfectly fine to tell a known rapist to come round your house the very same night your daughter (who has just done a bunk from said rapist) plans to be there with her new love interest, just to gratify your own desire for revenge.
Telling blatant lies to a person and completely destroying their soul and humanity in order to split them up from their beloved wife always works to some extent.
If you fancy somebody, do anything for them. The fact that they're certifiably insane doesn't matter.
If you can't beat 'em, join them!
Thirteen: Don't try to make friends outside of your normal group of friends, because they will turn out to be fake and you'll alienate your real friends.
Nothing bad will happen to you if you steal your Spoiled Sweet best friend's boyfriend and destroy her reputation in the process.
Wicked: It's okay to steal your best friend's man, he loves you and is only with her for the resources to find you. And damn it if you don't fake the death of both yourself and him and run off together, your best friend will make everything better here while mourning you.
Also, if you ask out a handicapped girl, she will subjugate your people and turn you into a heartless golem.
If you palm an unwanted hat off on someone, she will steal your boyfriend.