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Shows that have their own pages:
- Showing someone getting disemboweled and decapitated? A-okay! Showing a female nipple for a split second? The apocalypse is upon us and everyone under 18 who sees it will have their eyes melt out of their sockets!
- Every high school show ever: Don't tell that girl about the feelings you have for her just yet. Wait weeks, months, hell even years, and then drop it on her when you feel comfortable. She will not feel betrayed for any real interval and you will eventually end up with her.
- Every other cop show ever:
- You're some kind of psychopath if you're part of a non-mainstream subculture or have any kind of fetish.
- If someone is mentally challenged, they're 100% faking it and guilty as sin.
- Protocol is bad becuase it allows criminals to get away and frame innocent people. It's therefore your duty, as an officer of the law, to ignore it as much as you can.
- Sometimes? You have to break the law to enforce the law.
- Forensics are magic.
- Every Legal Drama ever:
- All prosecutors are evil people. No exception.
- Also, the judges hate the prosecutor 100% of the time.
- Defence attornies never have to defend an obvious-as-day guilty person. They also never have to juggle more than one case.
- The quirkier you are? The better a defence attorney you will be.
- Divorce, environmental, and patent attornies do not exist unless it crosses into criminal or the very rare civil cases out there.
- Inheritance disputes never appear, meaning estate lawyers only appear if they are a witness for a murder that happened.
- If you're innocent, all you need to do is have faith that the system will do its work because you are innocent and you know it.
- There are no such things as mistrials.
- DNA evidence is 100% accurate.
- Every Very Special Episode ever: Any addiction, bad habit, or other self-destructive behavior, no matter how dangerous, can be cured in less than a half hour with a hug from your friends or family, or anybody who really cares about you. Nobody ever needs to go through therapy or rehab, or needs to worry about relapse. Once you're cured, you're cured!
- Now let's be fair: the hugs often only work once you have uncovered the one single reason that caused your maladaptive behavior.
- The roots of your problem are never complex, multifaceted, or undeterminable.
- It is very possible that this is a trauma that you've repressed so completely, or hidden so well, you've never shown any sign of neurosis to your family, friends, or even yourself.
- Uncovering the causal factor will sometimes (but not always) require a single therapy session, intervention, or encounter with a wise and magical guest star played by a recognizable actor.
- Once you know the reason for your problem, no more work or therapy is required. All trouble vanishes, leaving you the well-adjusted character you and everyone else thought you were. Logic, reason, and the love of family and friends will instantly triumph over deep psychological scarring every time.
- If someone you love dies as a result of an addiction or reckless behavior, feel really sad about it. For like a day. Then it's back to craaaaazy hijinks!
- Now let's be fair: the hugs often only work once you have uncovered the one single reason that caused your maladaptive behavior.
- Every sitcom ever:
- If you're a woman of child-bearing age, your character arc will require you to get pregnant. Even if you're already a mother, not in a committed relationship or even interested in having kids, a baby is in the cards for you.
- A suburban-dwelling nuclear family is an attainable goal for a dumpy oaf of a man and a boring/naggy woman who is definitely out of his league and doesn't have a full-time job.
- Everybody knows at least one celebrity. Not the ones that are working on big projects at the time of the episode's airing, mind you. Just the ones who peaked years ago and are reliant on cameos in sitcoms to get by.
- Animal Planet: Animals are pests that will either kill you or infest your home. So screw them; let's build treehouses.
- CNN: Being balanced means not to challenge either political party's claims, Just stay True Neutral.
- Golden Mean Fallacy is great reporting.
- Viewers care about what the people on facebook and twitter think about news stories.
- It's fantastic to maintain an office in a country ruled by a dictator, because the perception of having special insider information is worth the cost of squashing negative coverage of that country and its poor, maligned leader.
- Not only is all anime naughty tentacles, but specifically child naughty tentacles! Including, but not limited to scandalous... legs?! And cultural Values Dissonance is not an excuse!
- If somebody makes a meme out of you in jest, then you have every right to blackmail and dox the maker.
- ESPN SportsCenter: It doesn't matter how many games you win, if you lose once, you suck.
- Disney Channel: Vapid focus on fame is all that matters in life!
- Fox News and many of the right-wing pundits associated with it: Status Quo Is God; liberals are always bad because they always want to change things. So bashing them is okay!
- Sorry, that's the intended Aesop.
- If you're going to be different when the majority of your competitors have a strong liberal slant, why bother doing something boring like being balanced, when you can just go with an extreme conservative slant?
- Every major news outlet besides Fox is liberal, anti-business and communist... despite the fact that they're all owned by huge capitalist corporations.
- If you see a group of people misbehaving then mirror their behavior to balance things out.
- Mister Rogers was an evil, evil man. Want proof? He told children they were special. That bastard. Seriously.
- Trying to warp a Fox News moral is impossible. Every time you try, it's just something they actually said.
- Lifetime: A female-oriented channel can only be the realm of incurably bitter and misandric Straw Feminists or the Girl-Show Ghetto channel.
- Women hate women who are prettier than them with every fiber of their bodies. Let's enable their desire for revenge by making every beautiful woman a complete and utter bitch who dies a brutal death, preferably at the hands of the plain-looking heroine.
- MSNBC: The only reason Fox News Channel is bad is because it is extremely conservative. Acting just like them, but with an extreme liberal slant instead is A-OK! Just don't mention the fact that you're only as liberal as the corporate giant that owns you allows you to be.
- Having an extreme slant is perfectly fine and not really a slant as long as you mention it occasionally.
- MTV: Music just isn't cool or popular anymore.
- The History Channel: World War II was the only historical event of interest ever to happen. The rest of history was too boring to garner any ratings, unless you throw some aliens in for fun. So screw history, let's watch truckers deliver things in the arctic and check out pawn shops and stuff.
- TV Land: The sitcoms that were on TV when you were a kid are now old enough to be on a classic TV network. Welcome to being an old fart, everyone over 20.
- For a show to be considered classic it just has to not be producing new episodes anymore. It can even be less than ten years old.
- USA Network: You can have a (one-time) slogan of "Characters Welcome" while at the same time only giving attention to characters of one particular show ad nauseam no matter how unnecessary, nonsensical or gruesome it may be.
- The Hallmark Channel:
- A single man with children must be a widow. Divorced men are inherently immoral.
- If you meet a random guy during a visit to your hometown while you already have a boyfriend, chances are your current boyfriend is a total douchebag and you should break up with him in favor of the guy you just met.
- Single moms need to get remarried ASAP.
- There is no such thing as a child out of wedlock. You either lost your partner or they divorced you.
- The only relationships worth mentioning are Cis-Het White relationships between 2 Christians. There are other kinds of couples, but they aren't worth mentioning.
- You need to leave your successful job in the big city and move to a small town in order to achieve true happiness.
- Cartoon Network:
- Cartoons only exist to sell toys and other such merchandise.
- When people are looking for live action shows? They often think that the best pace to look is on a channel called the CARTOON Network. It's not like they flopped the last time we tried it, right?
- Girls don't watch cartoons - they watch live action shows. So we should put them... on a channel called the CARTOON Network. Because they'll check here, right?
- Netflix:
- If it's not an instant hit by one season, it's a flop. Cancel it.
- If it's animated? Don't market it then say you cancelled the show because nobody watched it.
- "Gay" is a personality trait.
- It is perfectly fine to show the genitals of people in your animated shows if they are on a streaming service. Screw censorship laws. Streaming services don’t have to answer to the FCC the way cable television does.
- Nickelodeon:
- If a new show/cartoon isn't immediately as popular as one of the most successful cartoons in the world, it's a horrible failure that should get cancelled as soon as possible.
- On the topic of NickRewind. You have a channel block dedicated to airing shows from the 90s? Great! Now all you have to air is nothing but air a show from the late 2000s and nothing else. It's not like anyone will actually watch shows from the 90's anymore!
The "N" in The-N stands for Nazis. Also, cheating on your boyfriend (in the season 1 finale)? Awesome. Helping a guy cheat on his girlfriend? Slut!
crazy bipolar.
- 13 Reasons Why: If you commit suicide, your enemies deserve an explanation. Your loving parents on the other hand deserve nothing.
- Suicide is the best revenge.
- If people can't read between the lines and realize you mean just the opposite when you yell at them to "fuck off", it's their fault when you kill yourself.
- If you kill yourself, you get to stick around as your ex-boyfriend's imaginary friend and ensure that justice over your death is carried out to the fullest. In short, death is impermanent and suicide is the pathway to justice.
- Someone you like being wrongfully accused of murder is horrible. Framing someone you don't like for murder is okay, though.
- You can get away with murder, if the person you kill is a Jerkass. Don't worry, you only have to put the blame on another Jerkass who is already in jail for other crimes, so who cares.
- 1000 Ways to Die:
- EVERYTHING is out to kill you. Answering your cell phone? A faulty battery will blow your brains out. Mowing the lawn? You might run over a power cord and zap! About to have sex with your lover for the first time? It may just be your last.
- The only people who ever suffer cruel & unusual deaths are idiots, jerkasses, or smoking-hot women.
- 30 Rock: If you aren't a star, you never will be, even if you did write a successful book giving relationship advice. That's because it's impossible to transition from comedy writer to star, even if the actress playing you did just that in Real Life.
- Also, after a point, you really should just settle.
- Stuff happens that it is out of your control. This is why should you shouldn't bother to control your destiny at all.
- Putting your audience at risk with hallucinogenic gas is justified to save your show. Even if this would just result in alienating and confusing the audience watching at home.
- If your show is in danger of getting stale, just exploit a washed up film star's mental illness.
- 48 Hours Mystery: Don't ever get into a romantic relationship. It'll start out good enough, but they'll eventually turn Axe-Crazy and kill you.
- Adam Ruins Everything: Being smug and condescending is perfectly okay if: One, you acknowledge the fact you're smug and condescending, and two, you are right about literally everything.
- Adventures in Wonderland: The episode "Rip Roaring Rabbit Adventures": NEVER look for excitement or adventure in your own lives, always get it from a BOOK instead!
- "Christmas in Wonderland": If you just wish hard enough you can make it snow anywhere, even in the Sahara.
- Christmas is celebrated everywhere, even in bizarre fantasy worlds that should have no idea what Christianity even is.
- "TV or not TV": Watching TV is bad for you! Go play outside instead! But don't forget to keep watching our show, and paying money to get the 1990's Disney channel for the privilege.
- "Christmas in Wonderland": If you just wish hard enough you can make it snow anywhere, even in the Sahara.
- American Gods (2017):
- Better the Devil You Know than the one you don't.
- The American Government is a theocracy literally run on human suffering.
- You should feel bad for the former cosmic despots who would see you dead or in pain for their own power.
- American Horror Story: Murder House: Evil is hereditary. A loving family won't smooth it out; it has to be culled.
- American Idol, Judge Judy and pretty much Every live action TV show with a rude or highly abrasive host: ALL Hollywood celebrities are secretly JerkAsses whom will All secretly made extremely rude and snide comments about you behind your back only seconds after meeting you, this makes them untrustworthy. However if these same people make the same comments Loudly and directly to your face then this makes them very trustworthy no matter what their opinions are, they are always saying the Absolute Truth regardless of whether you like their opinions or not.
- American Idol, America's Got Talent, X Factor, and every other talent show with juries in them: You can get away with being a rude asshat so long as you're a judge. If a contestant has the audacity to do the same they will get booed off-stage.
- It's acceptable (or even expected) to line people up so you can laugh at them. Freakshows are cool!
- The winner of any competition must be the contestant with the biggest sob story. Talent is meaningless unless you have a loved one who recently died, or are suffering a terminal illness and are the Littlest Cancer Patient.
- Untalented people never have tragic backstories.
- In the event that you don't have a tragic backstory, being sickeningly adorable is another good substitute for actual talent.
- If there's something off-putting, superficial or otherwise untrustworthy about your hosting abilities and personality, then you will soon have your own media empire and be known as the next Dick Clark. By contrast, if you are an earnest and encouraging host yet a little insecure and understated, then you will forever be seen as a punchline and known as the "idiot" who left after one season.
- Ancient Aliens: Humans are incapable of inventing anything more technologically advanced than a toothpick without alien intervention.
- This is especially true of non-European humans. Except in the case of Stonehenge, white people did need help building that.
- That was only because they were pagan, and therefore too stupid and primitive to build anything. By the middle ages Europeans were properly civilized.
- Aliens must not like Europeans very much because they only helped them build a cool monument once, and never anything as cool as the pyramids.
- This is especially true of non-European humans. Except in the case of Stonehenge, white people did need help building that.
- Angel: Guilt trumps all other emotions, even love. Also, if you are ever completely happy, even for a moment, something is deeply wrong and the world is going to end. So you should brood a lot.
- Are You Afraid of the Dark?: There's at least one for every episode.
- Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.:
- Your boss will always lie to you and withhold important information from you because that's his freaking job. So suck it up and stop pestering him.
- You don't need superpowers to be overpowered. Just ask Agent May.
- Child abuse is harmless and has no long-lasting effects on a "good" person. An abused child who snaps was simply born bad and is using their trauma as an excuse.
- The A-Team: Veterans of The Vietnam War with mental problems are hilarious.
- Atypical:
- If you're a therapist who keeps getting voicemails from a creepy former client (who is acting this way because of autism), ignore everything you learned about the therapist-client relationship. You should cry and regret "The Reason You Suck" Speech you gave to him.
- The anger you feel over your creepy client is just pregnancy hormones.
- If you want to date a autistic guy, remember: It's not abuse if he slams you in his closet because you touched his things. He just doesn't know how to control his emotions.
- Your family will sympathise with you if you reveal you abandoned them for nine months over your neurodivergent child.
- Casanova Wannabe who girl watches and flirts at work? Your customers will enjoy you and no one will fire you! Bonus points if you smoke weed on breaks!
- Punching the Alpha Bitch for bullying an innocent fat girl not only makes you a hero, it wins you cake! Also a love interest! That fancy private school might reconsider the scholarship they offered you, but turns out, it's no big deal for them!
- Austin & Ally: If you're a celebrity you should not have a relationship.
- Battlestar Galactica: Nothing is more lovable than genocidal robots. Anyone that doesn't want to get along with the cute androids that nuked their families is evil.
- Battlestar Galactica: The Finale: Technology invariably leads to robot rebellion. Even when you're a robot yourself. Best to stay in the stone age.
- Cylons are really people. But using all-or-nothing methods to stop them would make you just like a Cylon. But then wouldn't that make you a person, or does that make you a more machine-like Cylon than the Cylons themselves, or huurk..ghhhch... BOOM.
- Thrashing each other black and blue is a sign of equality in a relationship.
- You can get away with murder (sometimes literally, and on a mass scale) if
- A. You are an authority figure.
- B. You are related to or favored by an authority figure.
- C. God made you do it.
- Being Human (UK):
- If you're in any way different or if you've suffered emotional trauma at some point in life, then you are a monster who can never fit in with the "normal" people. Any attempt to integrate or move on with only result in death and misery, so you should just kill yourself or be locked away.
- You'll never be able to atone for your mistakes or otherwise improve yourself, so commit suicide.
- Bewitched: Of course you should stay married to the woman who hid her true eternal nature from you, who refers to you, your family, your friends and everyone you have ever known as 'mortals', who can literally vaporize you and wipe all memory of your existence from the universe, and whose family members are all jaded, warped, amoral eternals who uniformly think your are less than human. What could go wrong?
- Also, your husband wants you to stop doing magic, this essential part of your identity. That's cool! You'd rather just be some guy's wife than a powerful witch anyway.
- If your husband's appearance, voice, and mannerisms drastically change - it's okay! Don't worry about it, there must be a perfectly reasonable explanation that doesn't involve him dying and being replaced by powers beyond your understanding.
- Alternatively, some guys are so boring they can be replaced and nobody will care.
- Beyond Scared Straight:
- Want to help kids turn their lives around? Take them to prison where they will get intimidated, humiliated, and terrorized by crazy, brutal inmates and cops.
- Getting ten people to scream in someone's face is a surefire way to scare them into overcoming a crippling drug addiction.
- The Big Comfy Couch'':
- You should indeed clean up your mess... but there's nothing wrong with shoving all the toys you played with into the couch cushions.
- Throwing toys behind the couch is the same as tidying up.
- you don't need a toybox. Just shove all your toys into the couch.
- Black Mirror: The episode "Fifteen Million Merits": If you try to call out any reality show, you'll end up as its breakout star!
- The episode 'The Waldo Moment': Referendum is bad!
- The episode 'San Junipero': Your Happy Ending should be one where both you and your partner die.
- The episode 'USS Callister': Don't you dare to construct an escapist world/setting, otherwise you could possibly be trapped in for a long while.
- The episode 'Shut Up And Dance': Blackmailing someone such as a pedophile or an adulterer into committing crimes and doing everything you want is a very heroic thing to do. What is also heroic is making the information you blackmailed those scumbags with public after they did everything you demanded from them. Surely these people deserve it for their wickedness.
- Blake's 7: Don't bother fighting oppression. You'll only end up dead.
- Bootleg (2002 CBBC mini-series): People who cook up prohibited substances in back rooms and then sell them to schoolchildren are heroes fighting against government tyranny.
- Boston Legal:
- It's perfectly acceptable to make a complete mockery of the justice system to prove a point!
- If the kindly old lady who used to be your neighbor and is now your secretary kills a man, and then goes on a crime spree robbing convenience stores, you should totally ire her to be the sandwich lady!
- Sexual harassment in the workplace isn't a real issue, and anyone who insists that it is, is just a sex-starved whiny bitch desperate for attention. Slapping the ass of a colleague as she walks by is just a friendly way of asking for a date!
- Backstabbing in the workplace is the fastest path to promotion!
- Unless you have Asperger Syndrome, in which case Insane Equals Violent and you need to be cured!
- Botched:
- Don't ever try to improve your looks, ever, because it will just end in disaster.
- You should just accept being ugly and unhappy with your looks, because plastic surgery is way too risky these days.
- The Boys (2019): Blackmail solves everything.
- So, you have a superhero who wants to join your side. She's friendly, non-corrupt, and genuinely wants to help and save people. Instead of questioning your Fantastic Racism regarding superheroes, or at least considering her as an exception to it, just constantly brush her off and insult her, because, as far as you're concerned, ALL heroes are bad guys in secrecy. Threatening to kill civilians, murdering innocent marine life, and using the death of someone's girlfriend to manipulate him into fighting by your side? That's what the real good guys do.
- It's important to expose and nail corrupt superheroes when they get out of line, but only if they've wronged you personally. It's OK if a hero murders an innocent civilian you just tried to carjack, since they just cleared up a whole bunch of legal issues for you.
- The best way to gain the public's approval? Poorly-made and horribly outdated memes that a 12-year-old in 2010 would come up with.
- Mute people are manchildren with homicidal tendencies and a warped view of reality.
- If a superhero accidentally kills an innocent bystander as collateral, he's a monster, but if he purposefully kills someone whose political beliefs differ from yours, he deserves your praise and adulation.
- You should convince your ex-husband to team back up with his toxic friend so he can face his fears head-on and regain his resolve, despite the fact that said relationship was the main contributing factor in your divorce in the first place.
- The best way to punish a colleague who has been an aggressive bully to you is to betray him, gather all your friends to beat him up when he least expects it, and sell him out to his enemies for free so they can torture him for the rest of his life. Also don’t even explain why you are turning your back on him when committing the act because that is pointless.
- Breaking Bad:
- Feel free to get rid of that midlife crisis by cooking Meth on the side; If your wife starts to ask what's going on, she's the biggest bitch in the universe.
- Powerful drug dealers and hardened gang members have no freaking idea what they're doing, even a high school chemistry teacher can best them with home made explosives, poison gases and some select sucker punches. For Science!!
- When you inevitably kill / screw over / piss off someone important, someone even more powerful will have wanted them dead anyway.
- Your former colleges offering to pay for your cancer treatment isn't enough to make up for that disagreement you had twenty years ago. Throw such trite gestures back in their fucking faces.
- Everyone cares when a 14-year-old caucasian boy "goes missing"; practically nobody cares when it's a minority.
- Family is all, and if your kids aren't willing to learn that lesson, beat it into their skulls until they do.
- Don't run awry of any Broken Birds; her father may be an Air Traffic controller who could have a Heroic BSoD at the radar screen and allow two planes to collide.
- If you're going to rob someone, don't show them any pity - take everything they have. Otherwise, they may use what you left them with to gain a bloody revenge on you.
- Don't try to see your former boss face justice for poisoning a kid and being an accessory to murders of innocent people, you will end up in a Fate Worse than Death and watch your loved ones die in front of you!
- You need a small army of DEA officers to arrest petty drug dealers. The single most dangerous and cunning meth kingpin in the southwest only warrants his former right-hand man and your Number Two.
- Complete strangers come knocking at your door, saying they know your ex-boyfriend? Rather than call the police for you and your child's safety, take every word they say at face value and invite them into your home.
- Don't deal drugs, kill people and become a generally horrible person, because if you do, your family (who nobody likes anyway) will reject you, your asshole brother-in-law will be killed and you'll be forced to spend a few months in New Hampshire, before then going on to provide for your family, rescue your partner in crime and get revenge on everyone who'd wronged you, i.e. everything you'd set out to do in the first place.
- Burn Notice: It's okay to hit, shoot at, wrestle, and otherwise rough up a woman you care about, provided that you let her take care of the ones who want you dead.
- Even if it means massive property damage, kidnapping, lying to police, and more, it's totally okay because they're criminals who need to be put behind bars.
- Large amounts of military grade equipment are always available for those out of favor with the government.
- Miami has lots of sexy girls and violent explosions.
- Well, they don't tend to be the same parts of Miami, but this one is actually pretty accurate.
- Even if it means massive property damage, kidnapping, lying to police, and more, it's totally okay because they're criminals who need to be put behind bars.
- Charmed: Redemption is not possible. If you are evil, don't ever try to be good.
- Some people are intrinsically good and some are always bad. Just because someone has sacrificed themselves for the sake of good multiple times does not mean they should be treated with any respect.
- Disobeying those who might actually know what they are doing is okay because you are right.
- Do whatever it takes to save the one you love, even if you have to steal your friend's soul to do it.
- Treating the cast and crew like human flotsam will cause you to be replaced by Rose McGowan. And then Tracy Morgan. (Wait, this is dangerously close to a real aesop...)
- Chernobyl:
- Nuclear Energy is bad. You should never want it anywhere near you otherwise incidents like this will happen.
- Disasters that are kept out of the public eye until they no longer can be have only ever happened in the Soviet Union, and never happen in other countries. This is why communism doesn’t work.
- The Chosen: You're a woman and a male stranger suddenly sneaks up to you in a filthy pub, forbids you your drink and stalks you into the streets? No worries! Such people really just want to help you.
- Cobra Kai:
- General:
- Adults Are Useless.
- The '80s were the best time in all of history. Everything was better for everyone back then.
- "Strike First":
- All modern music sucks.
- Asthma is a myth.
- "Now You're Gonna Pay":
- Schools will side with the bully and punish those that defend themselves. Your only option is to be a bully yourself.
- Political Correctness is meant to destroy the confidence and options of the marginalized, not protect them.
- "The Good, The Bad, and the Badass": You can just file a restraining order and it will automatically be in full effect with no investigation what-soever.
- "December 19": Not being allowed to break into another person's house uninvited, destroy their things, try to kill and/or permanently cripple people you don't like would be a violation of your constitutional freedoms as an American.
- General:
- Columbo
- Repeatedly badgering a suspect until they crack is good detective work. It's not harassment, its just "asking a few questions"!
- Chain of evidence is merely a suggestion, so go head and snatch items and stuff them into an old trench coat.
- Suspected murderers are rarely dangerous, so you can neglect your hand gun training; just have a friend spoof your attendance at your annual exam.
- Getting a suspect to think they'll decapitate you to prove their guilt is good fun. So is shooting a fake gun at their face.
- The Comedy Central Roast:
- Bob Saget is so gay, that his asshole no longer is a hole, but a smile.
- Gilbert Gottfried has the sex appeal of a school bus fire.
- The name "Sommore" sounds suspiciously like "Some whore".
- John Stamos lost his wife to the fat kid from Stand by Me.
- Community: If you fake your degree, you will remain undetected for years and become a rich professional, rich enough to coast for five straight years apparently without a job. Once you are discovered and have to go Back to School, you will meet/create True Companions who will help you with all your problems. Also, Paintball wars.
- Hurrying to get a pizza may kill your friend.
- Singing in a club/school play is evil!
- Why go to a fancy Ivy League school when you can go to some hole in the wall community college? They have paintball tournaments and reenact famous movies!
- Don't go to a community college. You'll end up a distorted parody of yourself, and you'll never achieve functional adulthood.
- Both subtle and blatant racism is funny and therefore must be somehow shoehorned into your everyday life.
- If you live with a terrible truth that you can't face, imagine yourself being normal and it'll go away. Also applies to Doctor Who.
- About "Comparative Religion": Christmas is the time when all religions come together to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
- Coronation Street:
- Only innocent people are sent to jail/prison. A Serial Killer or otherwise true criminal will either be murdered, commit suicide or be sentenced to less than five years imprisonment.
- Children are rarely born in wedlock.
- If you happen to create a popular character, there's nothing wrong with trying to recreate that magic over and over again, no matter how hated and unoriginal the new person is.
- Bullies are everywhere and never receive any true comeuppance.
- Your recurring kidney issues are only an inconvenience/tragedy if the writers are trying to get the audience to feel sorry for you.
- There's nothing wrong with marrying more than three times, including to the same person.
- If you are known for cheating on your partners, you can still become angered/resentful if any of them cheat on you, as well.
- Crash & Bernstein:
- If you're the only boy in your family, buy a stuffed toy and it'll come to life.
- It's best not to have a brother, because all he'll do is destroy things.
- You're sexist for complaining about your stuffed toy brother destroying everything and being gross all the time.
- Criminal Minds: Nobody who is a serious suspect for rape or child molestation is ever innocent. It doesn't matter if all the person accusing them has is a feeling — that feeling will be spot-on. It doesn't matter if the person accusing them takes it upon herself to kidnap and torture the guy based on nothing but a feeling — it's okay, because that feeling will inevitably turn out to be right. And if your suspect is innocent, that doesn't mean that he isn't a rapist or child molester — it just means that you haven't found his victims yet. You will. Also, a woman who loves a criminal and refuses to turn on him, no matter how good her reason is for refusing, is hiding the fact that she's a criminal herself.
- Damages: Legal ethics are for losers. Only by kicking morals to the curb will you be a successful attorney.
- Dark Angel: Continuing bitching at and beating up on that guy you got off on the wrong foot with, no matter how much he changes. Certainly don't let it occur to you that his daily persona is as much of a mask as your own and that he needs (A) a friend and (B) a therapist. Bonus points if he's identical to your dead psycho brother and you're a girl, because girls are cooler.
- There is no problem that cannot be solved by a hot chick kicking ass.
- Dateline's To Catch a Predator:
- A therapist will magically appear upon you trying to solicit a teenage girl.
- The only reason to bring three different types of alcohol for a teenager is so you can drink in front of her instead of your own teenager.
- You probably won't die from stabbing yourself in the neck with a pen.
- Murphy, Texas is the cradle of idiocy.
- "Roleplaying chatroom, dude" is two words.
- Blublockers, hair dye and a muscle shirt will easily make a 68-year-old pass for someone forty years younger.
- "Raw" means "NO RUBER".
- A random house with cookies is directly on the way to the beach.
- The main branches of the military are Army, Navy, Marine Corps., Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard and Post Office.
- Da Vinci's Inquest: Sarcastic, drunken coroner who wants to legalize drugs = GOOD! Homeless junkies simply looking for a place to shoot up without getting arrested = MISUNDERSTOOD! Stuffy police officers who want to do things by the book = BAD!!!
- Degrassi Junior High:
- All adults are child molesters.
- "Bye-Bye, Junior High": If you're a struggling teen mom suffering from burnout, you have no right to complain because at least you're able to have a baby.
- Degrassi: School's Out!: If you don't have sex with your boyfriend, he'll cheat on you. If you do, he already cheated on you when you wouldn't.
- Desperate Housewives: Women should NEVER, EVER consider getting a job no matter what. Even when they have no child to tend to, even when said children are sufficiently grown up to look after themselves, even if they're bored to death with staying at home doing nothing. No, they should all just engage in gossiping, being petty bitches to one another and cheat on their husbands while he's away to kill the time. That's actually more useful and purposeful than engaging in an activity that would benefit the community.
- Additionally, White homemakers are all more or less Stepford Smilers unable to do womething useful with their lives.
- Homemaking is a tedious, ungrateful job, especially in Stepford Suburbia, that only guarantees a lifetime of boredom and pain because all husbands are either cheaters or controlling dicks and your children will always do something to make you feel miserable and resent you no matter what you do. So why bother?
- Never have a relation with a redhead. You'd end up dead or in a wheelchair.
- Dexter:
- Killing for fun makes you a monster. Killing other murderers for fun is perfectly justifiable and even somewhat heroic.
- You can't fight your destructive urges, so you might as well indulge them as long as the people on the receiving end are worse than you and you don't get caught.
- Stealing drugs from evidence locker and framing somebody for a crime that will get them life imprisonment is a noble thing, provided the person you happen to be framing is enough of a Jerkass.
- You shouldn't bother to care and love your spouse and their children, otherwise your target will eventually kill your spouse and your children will leave you.
- As of the finale: If you are a "monster" with no feelings, don't try to change yourself. Maybe you will learn to love and feel empathy over the years, but at the end you will always be miserable and people you're close to are destined to die or suffer. The better choice is: keep yourself away from the ones you love.
- Hannah:
- Murderers always deserve to be killed or punished, unless the murderer is a hot blonde you're attracted to.
- It's perfectly ok to date a serial killer who has also tried to kill your sister. She's very beautiful and she's the love of your life and that's the only thing that counts. Even your sister will eventually forgive her.
- Dimension404:
- "Cinethrax": Old stuff good, new stuff bad.
- Dinosaurs:
- "Getting to Know You": All negative stereotypes about foreigners are true, so you're absolutely right to be prejudiced against them.
- Your family may take you for granted, or worse, treat you like crap, but staying with them is a whole lot better than living with foreigners and (perish the thought) trying something new.
- If some foreigner criticizes you, don't attempt to change your lifestyle because the criticism is never your fault. Instead, eat the foreigner alive because some races really are just born mean.
- If your child in in his or her “terrible twos” phase, an effective a way to cure them of that phase is to trick them into thinking they are 3 years old.
- “Into The Woods”: The best way to teach young children to not be a Spoiled Brat and to start caring about other people is to abandon them at a park by themselves for 20 minutes.
- "Getting to Know You": All negative stereotypes about foreigners are true, so you're absolutely right to be prejudiced against them.
- Dollhouse: It's fine to set a guy up to get killed by gangsters and go around punching your coworkers, as long as you're doing it to save a girl that some anonymous person told you is in serious danger. And don't worry about jumping to conclusions, even if you don't have any real evidence, you'll eventually be proven right.
- Drake & Josh: It's okay for younger siblings to constantly annoy you and play pranks on you, it's not like they'll get punished or anything.
- Dr. Phil: Being a blunt, condescending, and critical Jerkass to your guests makes you a great psychologist.
- Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman: If you are a Hooker with a Heart of Gold who is locked into a contract with the local pimp/womanizer, and you fall in love with the local telegraph jockey, then don't marry him. You will fall out of love with him, because marriage is another prison and you need to be a free, liberated woman.
- Is the telegraph jockey on the verge of suicide? Bringing back his estranged ex-wife for a few days—the one that doesn't love him anymore and fled with their child—is a good idea and will probably heal his depression.
- Your boyfriend should be at your beck and call at ALL TIMES. If your barn is struck by lightning, and you and your kids still manage to put out the fire, then you are perfectly justified in yelling at your boyfriend for not being there to help you. Especially when he couldn't have possibly known that lightning would strike right when he was out doing something else.
- If a progressive female doctor from Boston fights the traditions of a backwater Colorado community in order to improve it, then she is courageous, inspired, and forward-thinking. If a progressive male businessman from Boston does basically the same thing, then he's very bad and probably only in it for the money.
- Early Edition: No matter how many lives you save, your life will always be miserable.In fact, saving lives only prevents your own happiness.
- Being at the scene of a crime just in time to save a life every single day won’t make the police or the media suspicious at all.
- "The Choice": If you have to choose between preventing a plane crash and preventing the death of a little girl, save the little girl. That will inadvertently prevent the plane crash.
- El Chavo del ocho: Don't try to save a kid from being hurt badly - his mother will slap you because she didn't let you explain.
- Empire: If a female who's supposed to be your friend pushes you down a flight of stairs, causing you to lose your baby, you'd be crazy for attempting to beat the shit out of her.
- It's okay for you to constantly bail your Manchild of a younger sibling out of trouble because you are older, despite him being a grown man and being old enough to bail himself out of trouble.
- Everybody Hates Chris: Life is out to get you, no exceptions. Whenever something good happens to you, life's damn sure going to make sure it doesn't last.
- If you're bullied, it's your own damn fault for being a target.
- If you're accidentally rude to your mother, then you deserve to literally get a foot shoved up your ass.
- Everybody Loves Raymond: Any action, no matter how cruel and pointlessly over-the-top, is completely acceptable if your husband started it. Or looked like he started it. Or looked like he may be about to start it at some point in the undetermined future.
- Never stand up to your parents, even when they're actively ruining your life.
- Also never stand up to your wife, even when she's actively ruining your life and physically abusing you. If you ever do get the guts to finally stand up to her, then you are wrong and you deserve to be punished even more.
- Never stand up to your parents, even when they're actively ruining your life.
- The Facts of Life:
- If you constantly complain about how childish everyone thinks you are, getting drunk, running away to New York without telling anyone and throwing a fit until your guardian breaks down and takes you to a concert of a musical artist you're obsessed with it a surefire way to prove your maturity.
- Poverty is forever, but wealth comes and goes.
- People from New York sound nothing like people from New York.
- Family Affair: Children who have, in the span of a year, lost both parents, been separated from their siblings, and finally brought to live with a relative they barely know in a strange city halfway across the country can adjust to their new life remarkably well and almost immidiately. Even if they're six years old.
- Family Matters:
- Stalk your dream girl long enough, and she'll one day give in.
- If a guy is obsessed with a girl and stalks her for years, it's romantic and endearing and it means Stalking is Love. If a girl stalks a guy in a similar way, she must be a creepy and insane psycho.
- You are a jerk if you dislike and get angry at your well-meaning but annoying neighbor. No matter if he keeps invading your home without permission (he just wants to spend time with you and your family!), destroying your property (he's just clumsy!), harassing your daughter (he's in love with her!), he's a good person and should be treated well.
- Faking It: If you fake being a lesbian, your popularity will skyrocket and you'll end up getting the guy you're into.
- Farscape: If you and your friends find someone annoying, feel free to hit them whenever they're annoying you. Or when you're just mildly irritated. Or for no reason at all. It's fun!
- Father Ted: Being put on an island where you are waited on hand and foot and your worst problems are a colleague who is mildly confused about issues and another who drinks a lot but is basically harmless is an appropriate punishment for embezzling funds supposed to be used to take suffering children to Lourdes.
- Firefly/Serenity: Don't worry, you can make the Knight Templar who's killed thousands of people just to get to one girl see the light with The Truth (TM), just like every Knight Templar in history.
- If forcing your views on someone doesn't work, and your rival still believes in the force of his own words, that's okay! You can just force him through your ship's engines. Forcefully.
- Being a criminal is just fine, as long as you call yourself a rebel and occasionally return what you stole.
- And talk like a Cowboy.
- Prostitution is a noble and fully enjoyable profession, with no inherent safety or health risks. Prostitutes are always honorable, insightful, and beautiful, and know kung-fu. Also, if a large, impersonal organisation (like a trade union) claims it can provide full protection trade unions that have no problem protecting them even when it has limited physical presence and the situation you are placing yourself in seems dangerous, you should totally believe them.
- If you make an extremely short-lived show that develops a cult following, you can do no wrong.
- It's okay to complain about how a show will get Screwed by the Network, even if its still on the air, or hasn't even aired yet.
- Flavor of Love
- There's nothing creepy about a 40-something year old man dating women in their early 20s, nothing at all.
- Degrading yourself on TV is the best way to get famous.
- To assert yourself as a "strong" woman is to become a loud-mouthed ghetto bitch. Any man would see you as a "strong" woman.
- Being hateful, lacking class, and being a mean bully is okay if you're attractive.
- If people have bullied you many times for your appearance and you suffer insecurity from it, it's your own fault for taking people's toxic, immature behavior towards you way too seriously.
- You'll get mocked for being conventionally unattractive and you'll also get mocked for getting tons of plastic surgery to alter your natural appearance. You just can't win.
New York: Give it up Deelishis, you look like a man.- All men want in a woman is a woman who can be a walking eye candy for them and are the biggest doormats to their abusive behavior. Any type of assertiveness will get you eliminated fast, even if it’s for the second time.
- The only thing valuable about a woman is her beauty. Not personality, intelligence, nor unique abilities. Just her outer beauty.
- Ghetto women are spiteful bullies and are jealous of conventionally attractive and intelligent women.
- Frasier: Real families don't talk. They only yell and blame.
- Members of real families only listen to part of a conversation and run with the Misunderstanding Ball from there. It's not Three's Company if you use big words!
- Working-class folk are uncouth, ignorant, destructive fools; spending time around them will only bring you misery.
- ...Unless they happen to be physically attractive. (In which case they will still bring you misery—but it's okay, because they're easy on the eyes!)
- No one has it harder than the wealthy and well-educated.
- Authority is either evil, corrupt, incompetent, or some combination thereof.
- The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:
- You dropped out of college? Don't worry, you'll have your own talk show down the road.
- If you child gets into a fight, send him across the country to live with your extended family.
- "Ice Box" would be an idiotic name.
- Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a 40ft drop will kill ya!
- Zucchinis make lousy babies.
- Pea green chairs only belong at a Ninja Turtles wedding.
- Just pass it to Will.
- Wearing red shoes with a pink dress is a sign of bravery.
- K.I.P. stands for "konceived in prison".
- The Menendez boys got home on time.
- The best way to forget your troubles is to put a Pizza Hut in the garage.
- Clair would never talk to Cliff like that.
- Fringe:
- Do LSD. Do a lot of LSD. It will give you superpowers, and probably solve the rest of your problems. Also, use it recreationally anyway if that doesn't work.
- The U.S. Government will fix your family's problems if you're smart enough to be worth their time.
- Mad Scientists are people too and should be forgiven for destroying the universe.
- Friends:
- Having sex with someone early in your relationship/on your first date is not weird at all. In fact, it's completely normal. If you're in a single relationship in which you haven't done the deed yet, what the hell are you waiting for?
- It's completely outrageous if you haven't gotten some in a couple of months, because that's just embarrassing, you loser. And you're a very weird person if you don't want sex, because everyone needs it once in a while.
- Men are either pathetic losers/doormats or shallow idiots. The latter get all the girls.
- Being intellectual and talking about serious things is boring.
- Fat people are the scum of the earth.
- On the episode "The One With the Cop": You can get away with illegal things if you are good-looking and start dating a cop.
- There are no people of color in New York City and if there ever were, then it should be treated like a Very Special Episode.
- Get Smart: The most effective member of any
intelligenseintelligence service is always the one who gets lost in a shoebox and insists on the use of ludicrously unhelpful equipment.- Corollary: the entire Western world still exists only through sheer dumb luck.
- You mean that isn't true?
- Also, smart women should never actually speak their minds; just attempt to guide the really, really stupid man who gets all the credit towards a plan that isn't actually straight-up retarded.
- Corollary: the entire Western world still exists only through sheer dumb luck.
- Any ghost-hunting documentaries: The spirits of the long-deceased will always have time to 'make a noise' or 'push something' to entertain the ghost-hunting group. Oh, and almost all of them are from America or the United Kingdom and they all speak English no matter where you go.
- Ghosted:
- Should something happen to your old boss, all the time, effort, and contributions you ever earned in your career will be rendered null and void and you will have to start from scratch.
- Proof is irrelevant. You're wrong if people say you're wrong and there's nothing that can be done.
- The Good Doctor:
- Autistic people sound like someone making fun of William Shatner.
- Social acceptance as a Neurodivergent person isn't just how "Exploitable" you are - You need to be naturally good at it. Otherwise? You won't be tolerated.
- Grey's Anatomy: Doctors operating on you, especially female doctors, are far less concerned about your well-being than their own personal drama.
- Growing Pains: Turning your life over to Christ means driving your show's writers nuts with requests for unnecessary and less funny rewrites so as to avoid being "pornographers", bullying your co-stars into complying with your newfound beliefs and then screwing them over professionally if and when they fail to conform to your standards of Godly behavior. As long as the Lord has looked upon you with His favor by making you the cutest thing on two legs with millions of teenyboppers screaming your name, you'll never be held accountable for any of your actions!
- Hannah Montana: You can have all the benefits of being a celebrity without any of the downsides of having high name recognition. That's taking responsibility for your choices!
- A Haunting: Ghosts exist. And they almost always pick on white, middle-class Americans.
- Hell's Kitchen: The best way to improve someone's skills is to yell and insult them.
- Heroes:
- If you develop a superpower, your personal life, social life, and/or career will go straight to hell. All personal relationships will be impossible to maintain under any circumstances. And only beautiful people can develop superpowers. Even the ugly people will be attractive. (See also: Buffy).
- You too can be brought back to life (if you're pretty and/or white).
- The worst crime in the world is being constantly depressed, for which the penalty is death and anything less is an insult to those you bring down with you. Inversely, mass murderers are always appreciated, so long as nobody falls in love with them.
- Who's the depressed one?
- Everyone at some point, but more specifically Maya.
- The future will suck. No matter what anyone does, there's an unspoken Law Of Conservation Of Suck. Suck cannot be created or destroyed. It may change the form of how it will suck, but it will suck.
- When your father says you risk getting killed doing something stupid and dangerous, do the stupid dangerous thing. You will save the world.
- Politicians are Manipulative Bastard (or at least those who are attractive).
- If you get superpowers, your IQ will drop drastically. Even more if your power is especially awesome.
- History Bites: Every period in human history (except our own) was nuts, to say the least.
- Our show may look like garbage, being on No Budget and all, but since it's from our own time, it's a million times better than The Aeneid!
- Hogan's Heroes: If you volunteer for a mission you can expect your country to keep you in uniform and behind enemy lines indefinitely no matter how dangerous or stressful the mission is or how successful you are.
- Also, those wacky Nazis own the idiot ball so it doesn't matter how ill-conceived or half-witted your plans may be — you will never be caught.
- Homicide: Life on the Street:
- Only White, Anglo-Saxon cops get in trouble for police misconduct...unless you're a Black cop who started your career in the 60s, then you will routinely be in trouble with The Man holding you down and vengeful, Uncle Tom superiors.
- The more conventionally-beautiful a female cop is, the more incompetent she'll be (except for Laura Ballard, who is both beautiful and the perfect cop and don't you forget it, because you will be reminded of it. All the time).
- If you're unsure what a "Baltimore" accent sounds like, don't attempt one.
- The nicer you are, the more you're going to suffer. Also, if you're a Nice Guy with a lot of heart and passion for the job, don't try to stand out, be too emotional or assert yourself; you'll just be overshadowed by the current issues some other White guy who happens to be dirty, incompetent or otherwise shifty in behavior has (this even includes if you get shot, his problems still come first).
- If you're a 6'4", dark-skinned and barrel-chested Black man that has a 5'6", average-sized Black man with a medium complexion for a son, just say that he takes after his long-dead Italian mother and no one will ever question the disparity again.
- Being a defensive narcissist who can't accept blame for your failures is fine and dandy if you have a way with people, a thick-skin and wear a cool hat.
- No cop has ever heard of the rock band KISS or knows what the word "Baltimore" spelled backwards looks like.
- Your brother, ex-wives and close friends/ties to Baltimore will all be mysteriously forgotten once you move to New York.
- The Honeymooners: Fat-shaming is hilarious when it happens to a man.
- Regularly threatening to punch your spouse so hard they fly to the moon is a sign of an enduring, healthy relationship.
- Mother-in-laws are evil and always out for blood.
- A white undershirt (with no shirt on top), a vest, and a porkpie hat is a good outfit to wear while working in the sewers.
- House of Cards (UK) (or US): If someone is spreading scandalous rumours about the administration, they're not a paranoid conspiracy nut, just a poor victim of the Establishment.
- I Dream of Jeannie:
- Women, no matter how capable or powerful you are your contributions are nothing. Just be beautiful and servile. If a man messes things up you can help then.
- If a guy ignores you and seems embarrassed by you, then he's the one you should be with.
- If you're powerful it's okay manipulate the life of the person you love, no matter how many time they ask you not to.
- It's perfectly okay for a woman who is willingly subservient to a man to wear a harem girl outfit; just make sure the navel isn't exposed.
- Coming by your coworker's house unannounced to snoop and try to question them about weird stuff that keeps happening is totally fine if you're a psychaitrist and/or work for the government.
- If you try to kidnap your best friend's sort-of girlfriend, you'll be Easily Forgiven and the three of you will become best of friends.
- I Love New York:
- It's only okay for you to insult other people's mothers or fathers. But if anyone of the guys dare say or even suggest something negative about yours? That's unforgivable. Even if you had this already bite you in the ass.
- Women want men who just allow themselves to be extreme doormats to their domineering behavior.
- Never learn from your mistakes regarding past relationships.
- Someone interrupting you while speaking on the phone with your mother is an adequate reason for spitting in their face.
- I Love the 80s (and it's spinoffs):
- Koreans loved Joanie Loves Chachi because it translated into Joanie Loves Penis.
- Each of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles has an equivalent for every member of *NSYNC (except for Chris).
- The sport of arm wrestling wouldn't even make it onto ESPN3.
- Enfant terrible is Spanish for "terrible guy".
- In Living Color!:
- Bo Jackson knows cross-dressing.
- "Fa-bu-lous" is three words.
- When dancing, you should sell the sizzle as well as the steak.
- The scent of graham crackers and day-old funk is alluring.
- In NYC, the name "Joie" becomes "Joy". The name "Jackee" becomes "Jackie". The name "Sade" becomes "Sadie".
- There's always someone who got physically ill whenever Milli Vanilli was on stage.
- The word "ecstatic" is spelled "E-x-k-i-t".
- Never distrust a man who acts carelessly in emergency situations if he's a fire marshall.
- Arsenio Hall's hair looks like Gumby with a jheri curl.
- Having less than eight jobs means you're lazy.
- Shabba Ranks is an ugly Bobby Brown.
- ABC stands for "Ass-backwards and country".
- If you're ugly and you use chemicals in your hair, then you should probably jump out of a window.
- Lionel Richie is a talking horse.
- Be all that you can be; get an ugly wife and a messed-up life in the Army.
- Marvin Hagler's head looks like a Milk Dud.
- Homey don't play that!
- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia:
- Stay away from pubs in Philly. The people will fuck up your life completely.
- Your friends will do nothing but bring out the worst in you.
- Jack of All Trades:
- French people are idiots, cartoonishly evil or on a gradient between them.
- All Americans are uncultured swine everyone else can make fun of.
- The Jerry Springer Show: Having guests arguing, cursing, and fighting each other makes great television!
- The Steve Wilkos Show: Yelling, shouting, intimidating, and insulting your guests is the best way to tackle serious issues.
- Jersey Shore: Its perfectly acceptable to act like an egotistical horny jerk to everyone you meet as long as you look good doing it.
- Working out, getting tan, partying, and having sex are the only things that truly matter in life.
- Italian-Americans are a bunch of loud, vain, self-concerned, badly tanned jerks and bimbos.
- Jimmy Kimmel Live!:
- "Street Questions": If a couple of random joes on the street get some questions wrong, then that must mean their entire country is stupid.
- Kaleidoscope: Hannah Kim said it best: "The rich get richer, and we live." As evil as the 1% might be, don't even investigate them, or else they'll just kill you. Better to just help make them even richer, because they're above consequences, and nothing you could ever do will impact them negatively in any way.
- Kamen Rider:
- Kamen Rider Agito: If you find a guy with amnesia on the beach, you'd better let him live with you.
- Kamen Rider 555: You can be a complete psychopath and still get away with it as long as people like you.
- Kamen Rider Kiva: Cheating on your girlfriend with the Queen of the not-vampires is a good idea.
- How dare you get all angry over being horribly and permanently crippled? Be happy all the time, or else people will hate you!
- Kamen Rider Double: Sharing a body with your Heterosexual Life-Partner is totally not gay.
- You should totally marry the guy you only met a few months ago.
- Kamen Rider OOO: A monster's arm possessing a comatose cop is definitely boyfriend material.
- Kamen Rider Wizard: Beware the Silly Ones, or else you will get screwed big time!
- Kamen Rider Gaim: If you impress an eccentric DJ, he'll help you cheat in a contest to become a God.
- It doesn't matter how hard you work for something, because another guy will just get your prize handed to him on a silver platter.
- Kamen Rider Ex-Aid:
- It's perfectly fine for public health officials to not inform the public of a deadly new virus. Even after a large outbreak kills several people.
- That psychopath responsible for murder and biological terrorism shouldn't go to jail. Instead, trust he'll be well managed by a small group of doctors.
- Kamen Rider Build: When all else fails flip the laws of physics on their head and reboot the universe.
- Kamen Rider Zero-One:
- No matter how bad of a person you are, or what terrible atrocities you inflicted before, you can be completely let off for what you did if you suffered a personal tragedy in the past or have someone/something you care about.
- (The V-Cinemas): If you are a superhero, don't go to space. A bunch of people will die back on Earth while you're gone.
- Kamen Rider Revice:
- Your inner demon knows what's best for you.
- Telling an amnesiac man you’re married to him is true love and totally not creepy.
- Kamen Rider Outsiders: Totalitarianism is acceptable because Humans Are Bastards and it's the only way we can make the world a better place.
- Key & Peele: Don't do drugs or you'll poop your mouth.
- Kid Nation: There is nothing wrong with having young kids create a society for themselves with no adults around in the middle of nowhere.
- Video games and arcades should not exist in society because it causes people to be lazy and stall on their jobs. These arcades and should padlocked up and shut down.
- It is okay to tear apart another person’s poster and defile it with a pogo stick as long as that poster concerns the election of a person that you hate. Surely you won’t get any punishment for doing that.
- Kirby Buckets: Your sister is your worst enemy, and trying to have a good relationship with her is a bad thing.
- The L Word: Lesbians are better than gays, if only for the fact that they provide Fanservice for straight guys.
- No matter what, Straight guys must be pandered to, even when a show isn't supposed to be about them at all, even when a show is supposed to be aimed at a female audience.
- The only reason a straight guy would ever watch the show is for the sex scenes.
- Lesbians don't socialize with gay guys but they do enjoy the company of straight guys.
- All lesbians are bisexuals deep down and will always need a straight guy in their lives if they want to function properly.
- Straight women should all be bisexual. But straight men should never consider exploring this side of sexuality.
- Lab Rats:
- Did your brother who kidnapped your children and tried to kill you, your wife and stepson get stabbed in the back by another criminal? That means your brother's a good guy now and it's time to turn over a new leaf.
- All high school principals are Crazy Cat Ladies.
- LazyTown:
- Fruit and Vegetables are good for you... at the expense of eating anything else.
- "Dancing Duel": You should always train hard, even if your competition is super incompetent and has no chance of beating you, because they might cheat.
- "The Greatest Gift": A greedy kid giving an empty box as a birthday gift is a selfless act.
- Leverage: the government is corrupt and it's totally ok to trust a group of strangers who happen to be career criminals to give you your house, money, property back. You wanna know why? They have a fancy looking office!
- Wait, now they operate out of a bar. But that just proves how "of the people" they are!
- Life On Mars:
- It's perfectly acceptable to commit suicide and leave behind your caring, lonely mother just because you want to get back to a fantasy, even though you've spent the last fifteen episodes wanting to get out of said fantasy.
- Within every misogynistic, racist homophobe lies a heart of gold.
- 1973 was bonkers, mainly because it wasn't 2006.
- Little Mosque on the Prairie: If you choose to become a devout follower of your religion, then it's perfectly alright to start mouthing-off to your (somewhat lapsed) parents about not being pious enough. Especially if your mother only converted to said religion so that she could marry your father.
- Living Single:
- Shakesville, Alabama has the highest ratio of adulterers in any city in the Continental U.S.
- You elaborate better when you're angry.
- Owning stock at McDonald's does not give you the right to waltz into any location and demand the secret sauce recipe.
- "Cleophus" is Latin for "ugly".
- If costume jewelry doesn't fool a burglar in the dark, it isn't fooling anybody!
- There are some poisons that can't be traced. Think about it! Think about it!
- Nothing flies out the window faster than a Jacksons LP.
- Using a clothing iron to make a grilled cheese sandwich isn't recommended.
- The Bible and a Isotoner houseshoe are viable weapons to protect yourself from a burglar.
- Women don't want to wear a perfume that smells like corn chips.
- "Me So Horny" is the perfect song to listen to when you're about to consummate your relationship.
- Llan-ar-goll-en: "O Na, Mrs. Tomos!": There's nothing wrong with kidnapping your friend's cat to prevent your friend from moving out of town. Using the smell of a tuna-and-egg sandwich to find said cat is a far worse crime.
- The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power:
- It's ok to ignore your best friend for 20 years in which they married and had kids, events they expected you to be part off. They will forgive you anyway.
- It's ok to act like an hypocrite, be entitled and lie that you friend, who asked you to just let them be, is the one who demanded to be helped be installed king just to further you own goals, but when your friend happens to be a Retired Monster that you forced to do something that they didn't want, now wants to do willingly what you forced them into, they are suddenly the bad guy.
- Lost:
- There's no such thing as a good father.
- If your father is a sociopathic, murderous con man who abandoned you at birth, you should put yourself through hell trying to win his affection.
- Season 4: You can't run away from your own problems, it only makes things worse. Wait, that's actually a decent lesson. I'll try again: You are now responsible for everyone else's problems, supernatural or mundane, past or present, through no fault of your own, and YOU CANNOT LEAVE. (The Island, that is.)
- Building a whole series about an Ontological Mystery and then ending the show with no explanation about what it all means is perfectly fine. (Grits teeth)
- Lucifer (2016):
- Harass a police officer until you are allowed to be their partner even you have zero qualification.
- Sexually harassing your work-friend isn't obnoxious and problematic. It's hilarious.
- She'll eventually fall in love with you, too.
- You can get whatever you want if you're attractive enough.
- If you have tortured tons of people in Hell, you are definitely the best to judge criminals. Bonus point if you are covering your mother's criminal activities.
- Sociopaths who regret nothing are enjoying paradise in Heaven. Empathy for others will only increase your chances of being tortured in Hell for eternity.
- Make everything about you and your problems and you'll succeed anyway.
- Everything is God's fault. Everything.
- MADtv (1995):
- Taquitos go through one end and explode out the other.
- It's possible to gain 180 pounds over the course of one weekend.
- Steven Seagal can fly if everyone on the set believes that he will fly.
- Black people have no place on Dawson's Creek, Friends or anywhere other than UPN.
- Never confuse Whitney Houston with Diana Ross.
- An Angela's Ashes board game is a terrible idea.
- Don't attempt online dating. Your only options will be your cousin, someone of an Incompatible Orientation, a baboon, someone only keen on marriage because they're afraid of dying alone, a serial killer, someone dating you just to piss off their parents, a misogynistic polygamist, and someone who can't speak English.
- Don't try video dating, either. Your options there are even worse.
- Magnum, P.I.: Lazy good-for-nothing wastrels get to live in luxury and have all the girls swarm around them. People who have respectable jobs are boring.
- It's perfectly okay (in fact, downright amusing) to sic your rich boss' vicious guard dogs on another person that your boss trusts with all his life, because you think that this trusted person is of a lower social class than you'd prefer.
- Malcolm in the Middle: All women are either manipulative control freaks or one-dimensional love interests who will end up hating you anyway.
- "Graduation": Misery Builds Character, and how dare you want to take the easy route in becoming rich instead of going to college to scratch and claw in order to be a good person! Have you no shame at all?!
- Maury:
- Use a condom.
- No matter how much of an unlikable jerk a woman is, the audience will always boo a man unless he's proven not to be the father.
- If unable to pronounce the name "Maury", you can always use the name "Murray" instead.
- Melrose Place:
- You will never end up with your soulmate, so just settle for whomever is convenient for you at the moment.
- You can blow up an apartment complex, damage private property, injure several people (one seriously) and kill a person and not only not do a second of jail time, but also retain your medical license.
- The city of Los Angeles only has exactly one law firm, one advertising agency and one hospital.
- People with abusive childhoods don't deserve happy endings.
- Villians and their relatives tend to die the exact same way.
- It takes a real man to survive a boat explosion, getting shot in the chest and falling several stories at a construction site (just be sure that you fall onto someone else for that last one, though).
- Changing your hairstyle will change your personality.
- Trying to sneak into the bed of a paraplegic without their consent, seducing and/or sleeping with two siblings simultaneously, implied necrophilia and other unusually kinky sex antics are fine to show, but the prospect of two gay guys hugging? EW!
- Just because you're seen in virtually every episode and are involved in several story arcs doesn't mean you'll ever lose your "Special Guest Star" status. And if you're really unlucky, you won't even be promoted to the opening credits.
- Redheads--especially female ones--finish last.
- Wearing workout gear is against your average company's dress code, but jeans and miniskirts without any hosiery underneath is A-OK.
- Miami Vice:
- Don't attempt to have a love life. They'll likely either wind up a killer, getting killed, or both.
- If you ever reunite with an old friend, watch out; they're probably into something illegal or otherwise shifty.
- Vice cops can afford yachts, luxury cars, and designer clothing.
- Driving around in a van with a giant bug on top of it is the best way to go unnoticed.
- All musicians of any genre are either evil, corrupt, doomed, or extraterrestrial.
- An alligator and a panther are considered more viable pets than a cat or dog.
- All men can grow either a thick mustache, a permanent five o'clock shadow, a full beard, or a lot of chest hair if not a combination of the above.
- Misfits: If you are a teenager and you do not have promiscuous sex, drink, and do drugs, then something is wrong with you.
- Cheese beats Telepathy, Immortality and Love Potions, Invisibility beats cheese, knives beat invisibility, and rewinding time beats everything.
- Modern Family: It's okay to cheat on your fiancee if it turns out they were cheating on you too.
- Mork & Mindy:
- That mentally ill "prophet" who talks to invisible people? Completely harmless. He's your friend. Invite him into your home, even if he freaks out your girlfriend.
- If you end up causing trouble due to the fact that you don't grasp the basic rules of society, you'll be forgiven eventually as long as you're cute, innocent, and have a knack for spontaneous improvisational comedy. (The same applies to The Big Bang Theory.)
- Murder, She Wrote:
- The Police Are Useless. Always. They always get the wrong guy and are incapable of solving anything without the help of the snooping old woman with no professional experience.
- People dropping dead wherever you go? Police accusing you, your family, and friends of being responsible? And it sometimes turns out they are? Don't worry, you won't suffer any negative psychological consequences from all of it and keep being a quirky old lady who people keep inviting places despite a murder happening every time you are around!
- My Feet Are Killing Me:
- Feet are gross.
- You can have an issue with webbed toes or warts and it would still not be the weirdest thing that a podiatrist has ever encountered.
- Newhart: It is possible to have a dream as complex as an eight-season, 184-episode TV series.
- The Next Food Network Star:
- If you're an ethnic minority, you must cook the style cuisine that matches your heritage, otherwise you're "not staying true to your roots." White people don't have a discernible heritage, so they get a pass.
- If you want to be a Food Network star, you have to be capable of doing everything on every show Food Network has, including running a food truck, making food in low time limits Chopped style, and building a restaurant from scratch in a day. But actual skills that would benefit people doing a cooking show? Those aren't important at all!
- One Tree Hill:
- It's alright to bring up teenage girls' "imperfections" (especially in regards to their weight), but not teenage guys'.
- You can receive only four years in prison for killing your own brother in cold blood.
- It's perfectly acceptable to make fun of someone for having a dead parent but not an abusive parent.
- Being hit by a speeding car will neither kill you nor your unborn child.
- Alcoholism isn't a disease; cancer is a disease.
- You can engage in point-shaving and still one day be accepted into the NBA.
- A middle-aged man with heart problems can easily fight off two (mostly) physically fit athletic teenagers.
- You can be considered the best character on the show and be a real heroine in the eyes of many in spite of leaving your teenage husband to become/flirt with a rock star, occasionally complain about and dismiss your loving (if not simple and working class) parents and make fun of celebrities with eating disorders.
- And, of course, underage drinking is not a crime, even if the cops catch you red-handed.
- The Orville:
- Humans Are Bastards. Even in a post-scarcity utopia, most people will be petty, incompetent, mean-spirited, reckless, and just plain stupid.
- If a democratic election isn't shaping out in the way you want, you should use online disinformation and bots to convince people to vote in your favor.
- Using chemicals to coerce a person to have sex with you is perfectly forgivable, even if you lie about it afterwards.
- Oz:
- Don't drink and drive.
- There is at least one undefined state that practices every form of the death penalty.
- Christians are evil as sin.
- All prison & government officials are evil, corrupt or just plain incompetent in some way or form. Every. Single. One.
- The best way to piss off an Ax-Crazy Aryan leader is to mispronounce his name.
- If your loved one is a head writer on the show, then not only will you get away with your multitude of crimes and manage to survive the show, you'll even land that hot doctor whose life you essentially ruined.
- A wooly cap always manages to stay on the head of a bald man.
- Anyone who commits vandalism, embezzlement and fraud deserves to be housed alongside rapists and murderers.
- The best time to insult a dentist is while they're working on your mouth; surely, it will not backfire on you in any way possible.
- Even a manipulative bastard and psychopath will cheer on a nazi getting beaten up and literally crapped on.
- The Parkers: Constantly stalk, harass, and pester the man you have a crush on who obviously doesn't return your affections. At the end, he'll love you back and eventually propose to you.
- Peep Show: You will fuck up everything you do. EVERYTHING. Life, job, social interactions, love - EVERYTHING.
- Your intentionally unemployed, drug addict mate will fuck up everything for a slim chance of getting laid. So you should probably get rid of him.
- Stay away from people younger or poorer than you, they will inevitably rob you or falsely accuse you of pedophilia.
- To be a white male is to be constantly Mistaken for Racist, because 90 percent of London believes in Political Overcorrectness. Actual white supremacists are actually really swell guys. Also, most attractive women are uber-sensitive Granola Girls who will inevitably force you into awkward situations before running off to sleep with some other bloke.
- Primeval : White men should never date black women. They'll only sell you out to a megalomaniac and steal your pet.
- Environmentalists are evil.
- Queen-Sized:
- Apparently, popular kids have nothing to do with their time than bullying a fat girl and lording their "power" over others. This also applies to any movie featuring a fat teenage girl, who is always bullied and never accepted regardless of her confidence or personality, especially To Be Fat Like Me.
- It doesn't matter if you're a Jerkass with homely facial features like unflattering bone structure or a nose too big for your face. As long as you're thin and well-off, you'll be accepted.
- The prettiest girl in school is always kind, a leader, gets along with everyone and is even a Graceful Loser.
- Queer as Folk and the US remake: Gay shows mirror typical female-oriented plots and focus on relationships because the only Periphery Demographic such shows ever have is straight women. Straight men wouldn't ever bother.
- All Gays are Promiscuous and those who aren't are just caricatures of Smitten Teenage Girls.
- A show with a Cast Full of Gay can only be a melodrama, a Rom Com or a slice-of-life thing. Gays don't do things other than getting tangled in their relationships. Yes, much like women.
- There are no Manly Gays. Only the wishful thinking of horny teenage homos.
- Rainbow:
- Episode 'Moving House': If your dad wants to move and you don't want to, tell all potential buyers of your home to fuck off and you can stay!
- From the BBC's latest version of Robin Hood: If you are a compassionate young woman who wants to help out the outlawed love of your life, a host of suffering peasants and the country that is slowly but surely being run into the ground, then you are not permitted to occasionally flirt with a man involved in the regime in order to gain information that could help aforementioned love, peasants and country. Doing this will make you a manipulative, dirty whore and when the man realizes that you've been playing him and runs you through with his giant
phallic symbolsword, it will be entirely your fault. But feel free to look on from heaven whilst your husband starts a relationship with the sister of the man who murdered you.- From the same show: if you whine, sulk, bitch, moan, bicker, snipe and get kidnapped enough times, eventually the guy who you've been fangirling for the last eight episodes will grant you the honor of making out with him. Trying to goad him into leaving his other love interest to a violent death is okay too; he'll still consider you "compassionate."
- Since trying to become a better man or woman always leads to pointless, desultory deaths, just stay evil.
- Women in abusive relationships cannot be trusted; they clearly deserve what they get and after they're driven mad by all the abuse and betrayal that's been heaped upon them, the only way to deal with them is to blow them up. Oh wait...that is the aesop.
- La rosa de Guadalupe:
- Praying gets you out of every single predicament. Every single one.
- Go ahead and bully that kid and make their life hell. You won't face any actual consequences whatsoever. All you'll get is a slap on the wrist and a generic anti-bullying lecture.
- To quote Quackity, "Do not stan Lady Gaga, by any means, shape, or form; you will get fucked up."
- The Real Housewives: Girls can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!
- Saturday Night Live: Watching old episodes of this comedy variety show will give one a better understanding of the zeitgeist of prior decades than reading a history textbook ever could.
- A certain Spanish dictator has the ability to come back from the dead. This is the only sensible explanation for why it is newsworthy that he has not yet done so.
- Scrubs: Women are selfish, spoiled harpies who can't stand not getting their way with anything, refusing to see their hypocrisy whenever a man calls them out. This goes double for women from the Dominican Republic.
- Also, that girl you dated back in '02? Have wacky ex-sex with her a couple times, then lie to yourself and her about your feelings for five years, including several months living alone with her; everything will turn out great!
- It's ok to constantly emotionally abuse the woman who is pregnant with your child for one stupid thing she did when she was scared and hormonal because she did it first. Your friends will even help!
- Conversely; lying to the farther of your unborn child, about whether or not said unborn child is alive or not, is ok. If he doesn’t instantly forgive you and say that he loves you (even if you’re not sure you’d gotten to that stage in your relationship the first time around) then he’s the one in the wrong and his friends will instantly turn on him to be on your side. How could he be such a bastard to you?
- Don't worry if you fail at being a responsible adult; your friends (who secretly can't stand you) will always pity you enough to be there for you. If no one else can be bothered, that is.
- Verbal abuse is the best teaching method ever.
- And that bully at work who torments you constantly, breaks into your locker, destroys your personal belongings (including your car) and on one occasion drove you to the desert, stripped you naked and left you for dead? Relax! Don't bother reporting him to the boss—he's just having a little fun with you!
- Seinfeld: No hugging, no learning. Oh, wait, that is the message.
- Don't help your neighbour's struggling business, as you'll only put them out of work.
- Feel free to celebrate your bar mitzvah by sexually assaulting a middle-aged woman and then brag about it to your peers. If for some reason she is unhappy with this action, refuse to apologize to her. If she calls out this behavior as immature, go ahead and renounce Judaism altogether.
- Sex and the City: Femininity is all about a/ being a self-centred emotional wreck; b/ spending gazillions of cash on shoes, clothes and accessories to compensate for the lack of meaning in one's life and hoarding them as the ultimate trophy of your womanhood; c/ never taking responsibility for anything; d/ never being able to have one's life together without a man around to put that life together for you.
- Sexuality is women's unique form of social power.
- ... but any sexually active unmarried woman should be ashamed of existing. How could you, you whore!!
- Fashion and finding a man are all women should concern themselves with.
- Marriage is the only thing women should aim for in life. Therefore, all marriages should be obscenely expensive and fastuous because it's about the sole thing a woman can actually achieve.
- Gay men write women better than straight men and can avoid stereotypes. Oh wait... Scratch that. Gay men pander better to women because most of them are just as shallow and catty as the average woman is supposed to be.
- Women bond with each other by being bitchy to other women and talking about sex, sex and more sex. Oh, and shopping.
- White women can't share a close bound with non-white women.
- You can have a very active sex life even if you're not very good looking and have a really irritating personality.
- Sexuality is women's unique form of social power.
- The Six Million Dollar Man: Work for the government? Have an near-fatal accident? They can and WILL rebuild you without asking and then use you to hunt down dangerous criminals even if you have no training in that sort of thing.
- And your girlfriend, too!
- Skins: Psychiatrists are useless at best, Ax-Crazy Yanderes at worst. So if you have a mental problem, it's far better to just self-medicate with various illegal drugs.
- Also, it's a great idea for teenagers to plan their entire futures around their current boyfriends/girlfriends.}}
- Sloborn:
- Don't listen to the authorities ever. They all just plan to kill you.
- When you are the possibly only chance for saving humanity, but will possibly end up dead, don't wait for any explanations and run away.
- Smallville:
- Lie to your closest friends about who you are because one of them is bound to be conspiring against you.
- More broadly, its important to lie to the ones you love all the time about everything because you can't risk them hurting themselves or others with the truth. Because letting the people most deeply involved in your dangerous and violent life not know what's going on is never risky.
- If you have have a compromising photo of a radio talk show host you disagree with, go ahead and nail him with it! Even if the photo was staged and he was possessed at the time, after all it's not like you or your allies have ever done anything bad while being influenced.
- Also when you find that an orphanage is training it's children into sado-masochistic fighters the best course of action is tell a little girl to wait for you here in the basement, proceed to get your butt kicked, and then leave and go home. Because even though you have no way of knowing yet, your girlfriend needs rescuing (again).
- Money and power can make you happy.
- Six Feet Under:
- Muscular black men are violent by nature.
- Don't move to Los Angeles if you value your life, as EVERYTHING is out to kill you. You may die a horrible death just by walking down the wrong street.
- Stargate Atlantis:
- When faced with an entire species that has no particular grudge against you and simply needs some food to prevent them all from starving, it is perfectly acceptable to refuse and try to wipe them all out.
- If you ever come across an intelligent race of human-like machines, kill them all. If that requires creating a self-aware model of said AI race, hell, why not give "her" a name right before you use her to commit xenocide?
- Alternately, why not Mind Rape the entire AI species into committing genocide for you?
- Aliens are bastards. No exceptions.
- The salvation of the poor, oppressed, dark-skinned natives from their enemies can only be found in the kind-hearted pale-skinned folk from far, far away.
- For the episode "Brain Storm": Don't steal Rodney McKay's ideas and use them to stop global warming, or else Bill Nye the Science Guy will slap you in the face.
- Stranger Things:
- If you report a runaway and possibly abused child to the authorities, the government will come and shoot you.
- Everyone cares when an eleven year old boy goes missing. Practically no one cares when it's a bespectacled teenage girl.
- If you drop acid while pregnant, your child will develop awesome psychic powers.
- The Soviets were smart enough to set up a high tech underground base deep in enemy territory that went completely unnoticed by the US government, but dumb enough to be foiled by a bunch of teenage kids who have barely started puberty.
- Coca-cola was everywhere in the 80's but there was no such thing as Pepsi. It was completely normal to break up a dramatic moment to talk about how much you loved Coke for a couple minutes.
- It's okay to have cartoonish and unbelievable plots filled with way too much Product Placement if you're doing an homage to retro movies that had these same problems.
- Making your female leads hate boys is feminist.
- Police Brutality is fine if the other guy was being smug.
- Women problems are more important than poor people problems, especially when a black woman espouses how great capitalism is.
- The Suite Life of Zack & Cody: Trashing a hotel is perfectly fine if you can get away with it.
- Supernanny:
- It is always the parents' fault when their children become bratty and out of control. No exceptions.
- The best way to get children to stop whining is to turn their whining into a mockery at family meetings.
- Superstore: The best way to form a relationship is by cheating on your current partner with someone else.
- Survivor
- Finding a relic or idol that gives you power, especially if it’s a super idol, also bestows upon you the right to be a JerkAss to anybody who wants you gone
- You should never eat any goat that comes across your way in a situation where you are all hungry and alone. Leave the goats alone.
- You are allowed to tell lies about your grandmother’s death if that mean spending time with your loved ones.
- Being nice is for losers, if you want to win money and be successful then you should start being a selfish jerk to everyone.
- If you don’t like being a jerk to win, then come up with the ultimate sob story that would makes everyone give you sympathy votes.
- Squid Game: If a random stranger comes up to you and asks if you want to play some children's games with him, believe every word they say without question.
- The Tick (2016):
- Soft drinks are pure evil!
- He's not crazy; he's just smarter than you.
- Toddlers & Tiaras: Because "Child Exploitation" doesn't have a nice ring to it.
- Parents, have your fair shares of could have, would have, and should haves? Then force your broken dreams on your child!
- Torchwood: If you're not bisexual, there's something wrong with you.
- Indiscriminate murder should happen every single day. At every given opportunity. Kind of like indiscriminate sex.
- When horrible things happen to you, don't seek a therapist. Join an elite group of monster hunters. 'Cause no one's more suited to save the world than emotionally damaged people.
- Too Smart For Strangers: Be afraid of the entire adult world, kids. They're out to get you!
- Rapists always respect the word "no".
- If people in animal costumes come over for a visit, they are always trustworthy.
- It's perfectly alright to leave your elementary-school-aged child unattended. They can take care of themselves, including knowing how to ward of kidnappers and paedophiles.
- Mom and dad might leave you at home alone for no apparent or explicable reason. However, if you have any problems, call your neighbor. If they are a known sexual deviant, it's still okay. After all, they are living next to you, so that means everything's just fine.
- The Twilight Zone (1959)
- "Time Enough At Last": Reading books will lead you to a fate worse than death.
- "The Man in the Bottle": When making wishes with a genie, don't bother trying to be specific, it's going to backfire no matter what you wish for.
- If your life is miserable, there's nothing you can do to change it. Not even supernatural intervention from a genie could make your life better. Best to just accept your lot in life.
- "Nick Of Time" : Never use silly fortune telling machines or else it will become a sick obsession that you will never escape from.
- "A Stop At Willoughby": Commit suicide and you'll get to go to your happy place.
- "Five Characters in Search of an Exit": Donating your toys to charity is an unbelievably cruel act (just like we learned in Toy Story 2).
- "Living Doll": Being miffed that your wife used your credit card without asking is an unforgivable offense that warrants being psychologically tortured and then killed by a possessed doll despite your attempts to apologize.
- "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet": If someone has a mental breakdown on a plane so severe that they need to be institutionalized for six months, having the first thing they do after being discharged be boarding another plane is perfectly reasonable. They're sane now after all, they would only start freaking out and ranting on about a monster on the wing of the plane if it were actually there.
- "The Eye of the Beholder": Validating people who aren't conventionally attractive is only possible through, or will inevitably lead to, outright fascism.
- “The Obsolete Man”: No authoritarian dictatorship has ever used religion to justify their oppressiveness before.
- Twin Peaks: If you've wronged someone, don't try to make amends. They'll just interpret it as harassment.
- Ugly Betty: The man of your dreams is out there, but he's not the man you're with right now. Ever. Pining from afar will make for a much more satisfying relationship than any actual coupling ever could.
- Women in positions of power are all power-hungry bitches with no morals. No exceptions.
- Your physical appearance doesn't matter in the slightest; if you wear braces and glasses, then you're ugly!
- Undercover Boss:
- If you see cameras in your workplace? Make sure you have a sob story ready for the new employee the cameras seem to follow around - because that's the CEO! Maybe they'll feel generous and reward you for your work!
- Hard Work Hardly Works - Now, sob stories that get to the CEO? That will get you a promotion!
- CEOs have no power over things like employee compensation or workplace conditions. They only care when they are getting filmed for it.
- It sure is good that a lady who worked for three years at a sporting good store that makes nine-digits yet still lived in a homeless got a promotion... but someone's gotta take her place and won't receive any more compensation for their work than she did. But who cares? She got what she deserved.
- People will get what they deserve... but only if they are actually filmed doing it.
- Veronica Mars:
- The episode Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves teaches us that if a hooker you have a crush on asks for a thousand bucks or her pimp will beat her up in what looks like an obvious scam, so you follow her and in response she asks for another 10 grand, this time for real... it really isn't a scam, stop rushing to conclusions.
- The Walking Dead: Don't ever become the "moral compass" of your group of friends, or else you will die.
- Don't ever give long, inspirational pep talk speeches if you're not the leader of your group, or else you will die. Probably the very same day.
- With the addition of a new black person in any given group, another must die.
- Don't ever have a goal besides being an emotionless killing machine who only cares about surviving day to day. You care about something else besides living? You die. Always.
- Never try to rebuild a safe society. The person in charge will be a sociopath who wants to rule everything, or be useless and end up being killed by said sociopath.
- Pacifists are idiots. (Sometimes true though especially in a literal apocalypse).
- The Waltons:
- God hates city folks.
- It's OK to have lots and lots of kids even if you're too poor to afford to take care of them.
- WandaVision: Using lighthearted entertainment to cope with your depression is bad!
- Waterloo Road: A week is plenty of time to mourn your murdered adopted daughter. After that you can get back to sexual escapades.
- Wednesday: Cynical narcissistic goth teens are far better at dancing than every ballerina, ballroom dancer, tango dancer and tap dancer combined!
- Weeds:
- Drug dealing is a valid and lucrative career choice.
- If you get need to get ahead in your organization, sleep with the boss.
- Completing that, only with sex can you get ahead in life when you're a woman.
- If you're a cute, white, 30-something housewife, everything in the world will bend over backwards for you.
- If your kid is growing marijuana, be proud of him, as long as it's really good weed.
- Got a rich relative who is just hanging on too long? Just pull the plug. If that doesn't work, smother her.
- Being a coyote (smuggler of illegal immigrants) is easy and rewarding in more ways than one.
- Wait! So far all these are true!
- No matter what, women can't be trusted to make a good decision on their own, nor can they fend for themselves or teach anything of worth to their children.
- If a guy has sex with an older women it's because he really wants to screw his mom.
- The Wire (specifically, Omar Little): Committing crimes only against other criminals makes you a hero; even the police probably won't care.(Actually true, they are both crooks anyway so better them than innocent people).
- Donating a stained glass window to a local church will only lead to you getting investigated by the police for helping smuggle drugs into the country. If you're going to be part of the drug trade, you should do so for purely selfish reasons and not give anything back to the community.
- The System isn't designed to help you,and the people in power are selfish social climbers who only cares about their careers and not the community.
- Also criminals are normal humans like like everyone else trying to survive. While the cops aren't necessarily always the good guys. The "REAL" good guys however are stuck between a crushing classist/racist bureaucratic System and a community that don't trust them (usually for good reasons). Basically everything is FUCKED.
- Wizards of Waverly Place: One wizard per family. I repeat, one wizard per family. Them's the rules, people. No debate; no discussion. Anyone who questions this policy is Obviously Evil and must be stopped by any means necessary.
- The best possible girlfriend for you, and the only one who could hope to fully understand and appreciate you, without being a crazy stalker, is your sister.
- Only losers study. If you're a lazy manipulative Evil, you'll get everything you want.
- World's Strictest Parents:
- Being overly strict gives you all the answers to how to parent your children. Do not be lenient towards your children in the slightest as any form of lenience will turn these kids into rebellious spoiled brats.
- The best way to punish your kids for even the slightest of transgressions is to add on tons of chores or make them do push ups. Surely those punishment will make them think about what they have done.
- . You have the right to insult a child’s parents and call them confused if that child is acting out of control.
- If you try discipline your kids and they refuse to do the discipline then kick them out of the house or force them to sit under the scorching sun for hours until they cave in. There is nothing abusive about these methods at all.
- Children must never stand up to their parents because it is always morally wrong. There are NO exceptions to this even if the parents are treating the kids like slaves.
- The X-Files:
- There's no such thing as Platonic Life-Partners. It will turn into romance. It'll take forever, but it'll still happen.
- Bad people trying to kill your child? Give the kid up for adoption! Because just getting the hell out your bugged apartment wouldn't make any sense.
- The mouth of Hell is somewhere near Arkansas.
- Never, EVER go to the bathroom, or something horrible will kill you. Better to wear adult diapers the rest of your life!
- Substitute teachers are actually demons in disguise.
- You (2018) or "How to Stalk & Get Away With Murder in the 21st Century"
Mr. Mackey: Probably sh-shouldn't have told you that just now. That was probably bad.
- If a white man had done and is about to do something heinous, let him and keep quiet about it or he will end or ruin your life.