Warped Aesops for the Super Mario Bros. franchise.
General:
- Never try to follow your wife or girlfriend somewhere—she'll always be in a different location than the place to which you tracked her.
- Repeatedly hitting your head against something above you, while jumping up and down, gives you lots of coins.
- Mushrooms make you come back from the dead.
- Genocide is a-okay when it's sentient mushrooms and turtles, even if they can instantly kill you just by bumping into you.
- Your brother will always steal your spotlight...even if you are the one saving the day.
- Plumbers actually save princesses and toss evil turtles into lava. The only pipes they fix are the ones they can go through.
- Plumbers can breathe underwater!!
- The Super Mushrooms, and other such power-ups: Hey kids! Drugs Are Good stuff!! They make you grow up strong and healthy and may even give you superpowers!
- It doesn't matter if you have rescued people several times, accomplished things beyond your expectations or built up courage for a mission despite being deathly afraid; if you are a younger sibling, You Suck.
- Picking up an ax opens up the pits of hell.
- From Super Mario Bros. 3 onward: it's okay to wear fur.
- Don't ever go on vacation. It doesn't matter what you do, some major disaster will ruin your intended get away plans. That said, there are rare instances where nothing bad happens. In those cases, never cut your vacation short.
Luigi's Mansion:
- It's considered heroic to catch ghosts that did nothing to harm you.
- Hey, viewers! Did you win a contest you never entered? Well come alone to pick up the prize! Don't question anything, get down here and get your free house with no stipulations! This cannot possibly go wrong!
- If you meet someone who has the exact skillset you're looking for but no interest in working for you full time, just clone them behind their back without their knowledge or consent. Don't worry, they won't mind when they find out.
Mario Kart:
- The best way to win a race is to spend as little time in first place as possible, to avoid getting blown up by explosive tortoise shells.
- Never achieve anything, because doing better than everyone else means that you'll be their prime target.
- Motor racing is much more fun when it involves lethal weaponry.
- Want your car to go faster? Shove a mushroom into the fuel tank.
- Babies are perfectly capable of driving. For that matter, so are dinosaurs, monkeys, tortoises, squid, ghosts...
- Mario Kart 7: If everyone jumps off a bridge, you should probably do it, too.
- Mario Kart: Double Dash!!:
- While you steer, have your friend hang off the back of your car during a race and throw crap at the other drivers.
- It's perfectly safe to switch seats with the other passengers while you're driving.
Super Princess Peach:
- Women are very emotional and have violent mood swings. Also, they can float.
- Having full control of your emotions is worthless as even if you do, people will think you're having violent mood swings anyway.
Super Mario 64:
- If you defeat the man who has captured your girlfriend and stolen her house, there will be cake.
- Even if you do manage to save said girlfriend, all you'll get is a peck on the nose.
- Dinosaurs talk. And they live on the roofs of castles. And they extend your lifespan.
Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels
- See a strange purple mushroom with a skull on it? Don't worry, go touch it! It totally won't insta-kill you!
Super Mario Sunshine:
- All it takes to clean up pollution is a man with a water-powered jetpack.
- Also, the only evidence you need to incarcerate is a crappy sketch of their face.
- The best way to spend quality time with your son is to lie to him about his true parentage so he'll go out and commit numerous crimes for you.
Yoshi's Island:
- A baby dropped in the middle of nowhere will instantly make friends with the wildlife and will cry uncontrollably if separated from them.
- A baby without someone to carry it floats in a bubble.
Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door:
- Saving the Princess is a bad idea; the moment you finally get to her, she gets possessed and you have to fight her to save the world. Better luck next time, Mario.
- A young child that has been born recently loves to get into fights? How adorable!
Super Paper Mario:
- Your parents forbid you from seeing someone you love? Then screw everyone in the multiverse, destroy them all!
- It's okay to leave the local flavour of Apocalypse Maiden alone with a villain who you know recently oversaw a mass brainwashing operation if said Anti Anti Christ says they can handle themselves.
Dr. Mario:
- The cure to any disease is to swallow dozens of pills at a time.
- There is no such thing as an overdose until the pills no longer fit in the bottle.
- Anyone and everyone is qualified to get a doctorate and practice medicine. Children? Sure, why not. Villains? Go ahead. Villainous children? A bright future for pharmacy awaits us all.
- Diseases and viruses are just aliens who, when not making people sick or dead, hang out in trees waiting for the moment they have to leave because their planet needs them.
The Super Mario Bros. Movie:
- The players who are the most qualified to win the game are the ones who can't even beat the tutorial stage.
- You know those items you use during go-kart races to help give you an advantage over the guy in first place? Turns out you've been sacrificing living creatures by using them!
Hotel Mario
- Never stay in a hotel, especially an extensively-themed one. It might be used by a group of lizards to hide the kidnapped monarch of an alternate dimension.
Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins
- Never leave your home or private island to do something. It might get taken over by a money-obsessed garlic enthusiast/video game developer.
Princess Peach: Showtime!
- If your lead actor is out of commision, the best substitute is the first theater goer who offers to help.
- Being a patissiere is the most difficult task in the world.
- Rehersals are extremely perfectionist and demand way more than an actor would do during an actual performance.
