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Fanfic / Thirty Hs

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"Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull."

There are some Fan Fics that you won't forget. This is one of them. If you took James Joyce, William S. Burroughs, Alejandro Jodorowsky, Thomas Pynchon, David Cronenberg, and every death metal lyricist ever, locked them in a room with a typewriter and 20 tins of instant coffee, and gave them one sleepless weekend to rewrite My Immortal, you might get something like this.

Much like My Immortal, it's a Harry Potter fanfic, it's So Bad, It's Good, and it's an extreme case of Canon Defilement. However, the two are different in one key detail: whereas My Immortal was (ostensibly) written by a Wangsty 13-year-old girl, this was (also ostensibly) written by an Ax-Crazy 13-year-old boy.

So, instead of goffic sorrow and vampires, we get groinsaws and demonic astronauts in the very first sentence. Instead of various emo goff bands playing every night in the same wizard town for no apparent reason, we get Fuckslayer, a guitar from a dimension where all screamed for naught, wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angels' menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals. And yes, that is a direct quote.

This fic is Thirty Hs. Or rather, that's what we have to call it; the fanfic's real title is HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, but like everyone's favorite Eldritch Abomination, its more common title is shorter, easier to remember, and can be pronounced without first contracting bronchitis.

The work lends itself very well to Dramatic Readings, and there are several of them on the Internet:

Also, the guy who wrote it does stuff with puppets. It's about what you'd expect it to be.

Thirty Hs provides examples of:

  • Action Prologue: It begins with Harry and Dobby, wearing "space armour" adorned with groinsaws and lightning-spitting skulls, fighting astronauts from Hell. It only gets more ridiculous from there.
  • Aerith and Bob: The names of the Inquisitors, Ignatius and Billy.
  • All Just a Dream: Chapter 9 is a daydream from Harry's imagination. It's almost normal compared with the madness of the real life events, though still quite bizarre.
  • Apocalypse How: Chapter 9 ends with a class 5 or class 6 due to Harry's dream hat transforming the sun into chocolate.
  • Artistic License – Biology: It's best not to think too hard about how something like a rape ape can exist.
  • Artistic License – Physics: Harry evidently reaches for an atom and splits it.
  • Autocannibalism: The hat in Harry's dream in chapter 9 turns parts of a person's body into chocolate. The people in question invariably eat these.
  • Bad Boss: Harry beheads his loyal servant Dobby in chapter 2. Dobby seems okay with it, though.
  • Batman Can Breathe in Space: In Chapter 2, Harry flies through space on a meteor, with no explanation as to how he can breathe. This may be the least ridiculous thing about the fic.
  • Beeping Computers: In the laboratory of the strange old man and his toothpick weasel, there are computers that serve no purpose beyond soft hums and blinking lights.
  • Behind a Stick: Rape Radbury appears "from behind nothing much". This in spite of his being ten feet tall.
  • Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: The hat in chapter 9 initially turns a child's hands and God's penis into chocolate for them to eat, then turns the sun into chocolate, resulting in the extinction of all life on Earth.
  • Black Comedy: The toads' beards needed to be trimmed because they were soaking up the water for the crop of shovels. The purpose for the shovel crop? For the peasants to shovel the ashes of their dead children.
  • Black Comedy Rape: The astronauts in the first chapter originally wound up getting raped by demonic spheres in Hell, although the author later went back and changed it to "torture" to avoid this trope. There's also the fact the word "rape" is used in the names of The Rape Ape and Rape Radbury, although those are just names.
  • Blue-and-Orange Morality: None of what Harry or any other character in the fic does seems to follow a set of morals, if they even had some in the first place.
  • Cargo Ship: Dumblecop has a penchant for faggarting suns... a thousand of them, in fact.invoked
  • Chainsaw Good: The groinsaw, essentially a chainsaw mounted to the groin of one's armour.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: "Fuck" appears more than any other word. Curiously, "fuck" in its literal sense is replaced by "faggart".
  • Content Warnings: A "Disclaimer" chapter was added several years after the fic's initial publication, warning that "Chapter 3 includes invented distortions of homophobic slurs and Chapter 6 includes the word 'rape,' but no actual rape."
  • Corrupt Church
    • Possibly the inquisitors. As with anything in this fic, there's no way to know for certain.
    • Wahooley gets ordained as a rabbi. He then gets sent to trim the beards of 157 toads.
  • Couldn't Find a Pen: So Wahooley tore off his penis:
    He used it to tear off his penis and write the 13 commandments of America upon a passing eagle, in cock's blood.
  • Covers Always Lie: Well, not exactly a cover, but the page image is the most commonly circulated image describing the fic. It depicts Harry with a groinsaw, except Harry is not referred to as having a groinsaw, only Dobby is.
  • Cow Tools: The laboratory contains machines which explicitly have no purpose other than blinking lights and soft hums.
  • Crack Fic: Almost fractally so, as every aspect of the fic is just as insane as the fic as a whole.
  • Crapsack World: The ecology of Surf Ninja Moon X is decimated to the point that the only food left is a cabbage and mustard sandwich or, as it turned out, a cartilage and mustard sandwich. Harry promptly eats it (and regrets it).
  • Creepy Crossdresser: Harry wears women's underpants. So do the inquisitors. Because of this, they realize they're all men of the Lord.
  • Dark Is Not Evil: Neither Rape Radbury nor the Eldritch Abomination posing as a scientist seem to be particularly awful people. Then again, next to Harry, anything can look less awful.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: A borderline example in the line "We are bound in this ligature of lingam, Brother Rape Ape." 'Ligature' and 'lingam' both mean 'symbol', although 'ligature' also means something that binds, and 'lingam' is often used to refer specifically to phallic symbols. It is the rape ape, after all.
  • Disintegrator Ray: Dobby's armor fires a beam of light at one of the astronauts, boiling his flesh in another dimension.
  • Dissimile: "Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading."
  • Eagleland: Mentioned in Chapter 8, although it's now some sort of phallus-based hellhole founded in blood. If you can understand what the five Presidents are doing, our hats are off to you, you patriotic (and insane) patriot.
  • Earth-Shattering Kaboom: Harry "kills the fuck out of" two planets during the course of the story, and Dumblecop kicks another one in half.
  • Establishing Series Moment: The page quote is an utterly insane collection of words, and it's the first sentence in the fic.
  • Exact Words: True to the story's official synopsis, Harry does eat a sandwich, and he does discuss his life with a famous author. This, of course, takes into no account the insanity happening as context for these events.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: Harry does not appear to approve of Dumblecop of the Darkmeal's sun-faggarting.
  • Evil Weapon: Fuckslayer is a particularly unholy example; it's made out of angel menstrual blood, the horns of Satan and his generals, and heaven itself. Harry stores it in a dimension where all screams for naught. It can also destroy planets.
  • Eye Scream: In the first chapter (during which time Dobby's groinsaw is covered in retinas).
    "How does Ronnie Ron taste, master?"
    Harry spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."
  • Face–Heel Turn: Dumbledore goes through something vaguely resembling one. He and Harry kill things and screw around with continuity, until the worlds shift and he becomes Dumblecop of the Darkmeal. Then he becomes a bad guy (kinda).
  • Fiction 500: Rape Radbury, who "has more money than anyone".
  • Five-Token Band: Parodied with a 5.8 Token Band which has "an array of genders and races that would leave no one unhappy, save for the Eskimos."
  • For the Evulz: Apparently Harry's motivation, though he doesn't really seem to get a kick out of it. In fact, he seems more annoyed by the insanity than anything else, and it leads to things like being harassed by Rape Radbury and a weasel with toothpicks for legs, or being bound by a Rape Ape and left alone while children of all different nations and ethnicities (save the Eskimos) bind with the Rape Ape to spread among the stars.
  • Gag Penis: The Rape Ape's body is apparently made up entirely of these. Apparently, they're prehensile, too.
  • Gratuitous Ninja: At one point, Harry winds up on a planet entirely populated by "Surf Ninjas", who are repeatedly mentioned, but never actually show up, possibly because they have annihilated their environment to the point that their last batch of food is a nasty sandwich.
  • Great Offscreen War: The Bullet wars which were apparently so deadly that people need to grow crops of shovels every year to bury their dead children.
  • Groin Attack:
    • The groinsaw probably counts as a bizarre inversion.
    • President Wahooley inflicted one on himself. Well, he needed to write an America and didn't have a pen handy, so he logically tore off his penis and wrote the America in cocksblood.
  • Hellfire: Holy Fuckfire, with which Harry can encase his fists as well as meteors, in order to better kill the fuck out of things.
  • Highly-Visible Ninja: "The silent killers of the night had negated their innate advantage by only plying their craft on surf boards. During the day."
  • Humanoid Abomination:
    • The scientist of the diapers, thought he fails at being a convincing humanoid.
    • Possibly Rape Radbury, who is ten feet tall with a head shrouded in clouds, and wears a tuxedo.
    • Possibly Harry and Dumblecop of the Darkmeal as well, but the description is a little ambiguous.
  • I Call It "Vera": Fuckslayer, Harry's unholy guitar.
  • I Have Many Names: Dumbledore's name is different every time he's mentioned.
    "I am no longer Scrumblegort." The ancient man dropped some of the planets he was juggling. "The worlds have shifted. I am Dumblecop, of the Darkmeal."
  • I'm a Humanitarian: Harry is implied to have eaten Ron, although he spits out the eyes.
  • Impossibly Cool Weapon: Harry's guitar, Fuckslayer, hewn from the horns of Satan's Generals, and powered by angels' menstrual blood that boils as it plays. It summons planet-killing asteroids.
  • Incendiary Exponent: Holy fuckfire. When you absitively, posolutely have to kill the fuck out of everything, accept no substitutes.
  • Inherently Funny Words: Groinsaws, Fuckslayer, fuckfire, Rape Ape, and chumpits.
  • In Medias Res: It starts with a battle between Harry, Dobby, and demonic astronauts, which, like everything else, has nothing to do with anything and is never explained.
  • In Name Only: The only similarities with anything in the Harry Potter books are the names of Harry, Dobby, Ron, and Dumbledore (whose name changes with every subsequent mention). There's one mention of Hogwarts in Chapter 2, when Harry destroys it. By Chapter 8, the fic's not even trying; Harry isn't mentioned and the only link to Harry Potter is a single mention of a "Severus Snapplebottom", and Chapter 9 mentions Harry only to say that he's daydreaming the events of his section.
  • Insane Troll Logic:
    • The following sentence is representative:
      Harry: Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them.
    • The list of COMMANDMENTS OF AMERICA made from cock's blood are all nonsensical, including declaring Starbucks napkins the official currency, forbidding whales from selling pumpkins, and using the alphabet on clocks to save time (the third letter of which is "President Wahooley").
  • Killed Off for Real: Harry has killed everyone in the Universe several times, yet Dobby has yet to reappear since Harry chopped his head off.
  • Knight Templar: Harry is tortured by some highly unexpected inquisitors, until they all realize they're men of the Lord.
  • Lawyer-Friendly Cameo: "Rape Radbury", who writes critically acclaimed fiction that always turns into fact and has more money than anyone.
  • Leg Cannon: Dumblecop's leg is made of pistols. However, he doesn't shoot with it, preferring to kick planets in half.
  • Lighter and Softer: Chapter 9, while still utterly bizarre and filled with violent sexual imagery, has a much more cheery style and is almost entirely about rainbows and chocolate. It helps that Harry isn't present for most of this. And then the sun itself turns into chocolate, causing the extinction of all life on Earth.
  • Lower-Deck Episode: Harry takes a break from Fuckslaying to let the Presidents take prominence in chapter 8.
  • Makes Just as Much Sense in Context: Nothing that happens in this fic makes any sense at all.
  • Maniac Monkeys: The Rape Ape. In fact, presumably all the rape apes before the rapeforest was subjugated.
  • The Men in Black: The old man in chapter 7 can be interpreted as such; he's in a laboratory, has the apparent power to control Harry, has a scientific bent, and addresses Harry as "a son". Then again, he can also do Eldritch things like remove his own head.
  • Meteor-Summoning Attack: In chapter 2, Harry summons a giant meteor to kill everyone at Hogwarts. He then uses it to fly back into space and kill Mercury.
  • Mind Screw: Don't try to make sense of whatever plot it has, just relish it.
  • More Dakka: The bullet wars were apparently nothing but this; because the winner of the bullet wars were simply the ones who fired the most bullets the fastest.
    • The Reason for the bullet wars? Who had control over all the bullets!
  • New Powers as the Plot Demands: Inverted, as Harry can do pretty much anything unless the plot decides he needs to be hassled. He's more powerful than anything short of a God, as he can summon planet-killing meteors and throw sub-atomic particles with only his mind, but for some reason, he can't just conjure a sandwich when he gets hungry.
  • Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: Many and varied. "Vampire cavemen on Mars" stands out as something you've likely never heard before.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Rape Radbury is apparently a stand-in for Ray Bradbury.
  • No Ending: After the first couple chapters, none of them have anything to do with each other, and they mostly end abruptly without resolving anything. What happened after Harry spat the thumb at the scientist? What about the planets that President 5 created? What did Harry and the Inquisitors do after they realized they were all men of the Lord?
  • Nominal Hero: Over the course of the story, Harry does everything from eating Ron (except for his eyeballs) to destroying ENTIRE PLANETS for no reason at all. By the author's own admission, this is one hundred percent intentional.
  • Non-Indicative Name:
    • The Rape Ape never actually rapes anyone, and neither does Rape Radbury.
    • The Moonbase is specifically said not to be on the moon.
  • Omnicidal Maniac: After killing everybody in the universe, Harry admonishes Dumbledore to conserve food, otherwise they'll starve, and no one will be around to revive everybody for the purpose of killing them again.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: In chapter 2, we get astral vampires which are able to bite even when only their head remains. Harry throws the heads to Mars, and they bite Martian caveman, so now there are vampire cavemen on Mars.
  • Phallic Weapon: The groinsaw is a particularly literal example.
  • Physical God:
    • Harry, to the point that he can do absolutely anything the writer needs him to do in order to have epic descriptions of whatever the hell is going on in the story. He can see sub-atomic particles by squinting, and somehow killed the fuck out of Mercury (not the god, the actual planet), and then killed the fuck out of Venus with Mercury's carcass.
    • Dumblecop of the Darkmeal kicks a planet in half, for no apparent reason, just because he can. With a leg made out of pistols.
  • The Power of Rock: Fuckslayer.
    Dumbledore: Harry, you must rock the fuck out.
  • President Evil:
    • Possibly the President of Pangea, who hangs out with omnicidal god Dumbledorp.
    • Possibly the five Presidents, but their America is a particularly dangerous one.
  • Purple Prose: The fic may read like the ramblings of a Talkative Loon, but at least he's an eloquent one.
  • Random Events Plot: The first chapter switches from Dobby and a bored Harry fighting murderous, demon spacemen. The second chapter involves destroying Hogwarts and flying through space and punching astral vampires for absolutely no reason. Harry later has a habit of winding up in unlikely and unfortunate situations, such as being harassed by a sci-fi author who laments his racist thoughts and dreaming about a hat that turns all existence to chocolate.
  • Rated M for Manly: Did the phrase "groin-saw" not clue you in? This is Harry Potter as filtered through Warhammer 40,000 and every heavy metal band ever created, the outputs of their collective work shoved in a blender and then snorted. "Testosterone Poisoning" is too mild a phrase to describe whatever the hell is going on here.
  • Real Men Wear Pink: Apparently, men of the Lord all wear women's underpants.
  • Refuge in Audacity: According to the disclaimer that now precedes the fic, this was the intent, to be so over-the-top in offensiveness as to become a caricature, something that the author now regrets. By all accounts, he succeeded.
  • Rouge Angles of Satin: Surprisingly for a Troll Fic, the grammar and spelling are very good (with the possible exception of Dumbledore's name never being spelled the same way twice). This doesn't make the "story" any less batshit insane, but it does make it a bit easier to read.
  • Rule of Cool: There is absolutely zero logical plot progression. However, there are legs made out of pistols, vampire cavemen on Mars, and a cursed book with pages made of lasers and words made out of dragons, made out of motorcycles, making godless love to headless women.
  • Satiating Sandwich: Subverted, Harry does not like the "cabbagewich", which might explain why it was the last piece of food on the planet of Surf Ninjas.
  • Scary Impractical Armor: Dobby's "elfin space armor" has skulls on the shoulders and a groinsaw.
  • Schmuck Bait: Woe to the unfortunate, unfamiliar Fanfiction Dot Net browser who clicked on this story because they saw the tag reading "Angst/Romance".
  • Serial Escalation: It tops itself several times over the course of the fic. It's that over-the-top.
  • Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Inverted.
    Harry then did fly his meteor through space, [DragonForce starts playing] punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined heads into the past where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are vampire cavemen on mars.
  • Shoulder Cannon: Dobby has a skull on his space armor's shoulders capable of shooting bolts of light out of its eyes.
  • Shout-Out:
    • Harry steals the last sandwich from a planet of Surf Ninjas.
    • The 5.8 children with the Rape Ape might be a reference to the 0.58 child from The Phantom Tollbooth.
    • The seventh chapter may have been influenced by Pokémon, in a deranged sort of way.
    • The first four chapters follow something resembling a logical narrative, albeit a completely deranged one. The fifth chapter, however, begins with a group of inquisitors torturing Harry, apropos of absolutely nothing at all, and ends on a similar Non Sequitur. One might say that no one expected it.
    • Dumbledore's epithet "faggart of a thousand suns" may be a reference to the Linkin Park album A Thousand Suns.
    • The astral vampires may be a reference to the Colin Wilson novel The Space Vampires and its film adaptation Lifeforce.
  • Sinister Geometry: Demonic spheres, who rape you, boys and girls, when they're not getting edited out of the narrative that is.
  • Sir Not-Appearing-in-This-Trailer: Inverted. The fic is listed under the characters "Bellatrix L. & Seamus F.", neither of whom are even mentioned in the actual story.
  • Sliding Scale of Realistic vs. Fantastic: Way, way down on the surreal end.
  • Skeletons in the Coat Closet: Harry and Dobby wear "space armor" adorned with lightning-spitting skulls.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: The natural intersection of ludicrously Purple Prose and a Cluster F-Bomb. Definitely intentional.
    Dumblecop: Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?
  • Space Base: Fumbledorp has a moon base, but it's not on a moon. Considering everything else that happens, it wouldn't be surprising if he built himself a Death Star.
  • Stealth Parody: Masterfully convincing, but it definitely is one, by the author's own admission. The lack of misspelled words or terrible grammar should probably have been a tip-off. The fact that it's filed under "Angst/Romance" (presumably for the sole purpose of inflicting unforeseen mental trauma on the poor unfortunate fangirl clicking on this story expecting a traditional Harry Potter fic) is also probably a good hint.
  • Strawman Political: President Number 5, who disliked the conservative leanings of his brothers and therefore created an infinitude of worlds devoted to increasingly depraved sex acts.
  • Super Sex Organs:
    • Dobby's groinsaw. The title card to the manwithoutabody version (used as the article image on this page) also gives Harry one.
    • The Rape Ape appears to be covered with them from head to toe.
    • The fifth president's form of an infinite grid of squares with vaginas on every one of them.
  • Surreal Horror: Chapter 7 involves warped turtles, bald ferrets with toothpicks for legs, a glass of thumb-water, and the head of an Eldritch Abomination on a spike.
  • Take a Third Option: Well, kind of. When the fake scientist in Chapter 7 asks Harry to pick a "friend for life" between a deformed turtle, a deformed hairless ferret, and a thumb in a glass of water, Harry drank the water from the glass and spat the thumb at the scientist.
  • Testosterone Poisoning: Fighting demonic astronauts with groinsaws, demonic guitars made from the horns of Satan's generals, leg pistols that can kick planets in half... This fic manages to be absurdly, ludicrously over-the-top manly despite making absolutely no sense whatsoever.
  • Stylistic Suck: Imagine, if you can, the unholy offspring of My Immortal and Warhammer 40,000, thrown in a blender, and you can get a pretty good idea of what it's like to read this story (a word which itself comes across as something of an overstatement). The fact that it's actually properly written and spelled does little for it.
  • Throwing Your Sword Always Works: In this case, launching groinsaws.
  • Tomato Surprise: The cabbage and mustard sandwich Harry finds turns out to be cartilage and mustard halfway into the chapter.
  • Too Dumb to Live: The Surf Ninjas of Surf Ninja Moon X ate everything in their planet and left one crappy sandwich and were too incompetent to try and attack Harry at night, where the story notes they would have had an advantage.
  • Took a Level in Badass: Harry, Scrumblecorn, and Dobby go from mild-mannered student, wizard, and house elf to a genocidal, guitar-wielding, fuckfire-wielding dimension slayer, a sun-humping man with legs that are pistols made of biceps who juggles planets and kicks them in half as a hobby, and a genocidal, groinsaw-wielding mass murderer, respectively.
  • Trailers Always Lie: Similar to the above mentioned pairing between characters who never appear in the fic, the fic is categorized as "Angst/Romance". The summary, on the other hand, is a fairly honest representation of a few of the events in this fic, which is otherwise virtually impossible to summarize.
  • Troll Fic: If it's not, the author is probably in a mental institution. Surprisingly for this sort of thing, the author uses proper punctuation, spelling, and grammar. It's somehow better simply because readers don't have to wade through hundreds of misspellings and misplaced commas everywhere.
  • Unusual Weapon Mounting: Dobby's Groinsaw.
  • Villain Protagonist: Harry, so evil he distorts reality. The closest one gets to a proper antagonist is the rape ape, who apparently shackled Harry, and the "scientist" in the seventh chapter, who has apparently imprisoned him in a foul-smelling pit within his nose.
  • What Happened to the Mouse?: Dumbledore completely disappears from the story after Chapter 3.
  • Wicked Weasel: The bald weasel with toothpicks for legs.
  • Word Salad Philosophy: The 13 commandments that make up the American cockstitution.
  • World of Badass: Most of the characters featured appear to have the powers of either Eldritch Abominations or Physical Gods.