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Fanfic / ToyHammer

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"In the grim darkness of the 21st century, there is only boredom."

ToyHammer is a Warhammer 40,000 Fan Fic written by Rogue Psyker (aka Rogue Vector) (who also wrote Zero's Shock) which begins when Michael is dropped off at his home by his friend, only to find that most of his house has been turned into a warzone between the various races of the 40K universe: multiple Space Marine chapters, Imperial Guard regiments, Sisters of Battle, Grey Knights, and the attached elements of the Adeptus Mechanicus, as well as the major xenos factions: Eldar, Tau and Orks. The 'twist' in this is that, for reasons that have only been hinted at to date, all of the armies and their respective weaponry, mecha, and tanks have been shrunk to the size of the miniatures from the game...but their weapons still work just fine.

Hilarity ensues as Michael tries to cope with the miniature freeloaders in his home, and they try to cope with Michael and the concept (not to mention execution) of living peacefully with each other.

A mashup of an Elsewhere Fic, Alternate Universe Fic, Crack Fic and slowly approaching Fan Verse with the Omake chapters and the fact that there are absolutely no canon characters used, ToyHammer is another take at the 4chan writefaggotry based around 'Mini-Hammer' style Fan Fics, involving Fun Size 40K characters appearing and running around in Real Life as a 'regular' human (called Terrans to differentiate them from the Fun Size and more numerous humans) and his friends try to cope with things.

While initially the fic focused around the interactions between a full-size human having to do riot control over a large number of tiny, armed 40K soldiers, it soon shifts its focus more to the soldiers of the eternal war and their reactions to living a more peaceful life, one that doesn't involve them killing everything else. Christmas traditions, Valentines, co-existing with 'foul xenos' and 'dirty monkeys' are explored.

And then, the fun ends (and starts) with Chaos making their rude entrance. The fic's last complete update on 5/21/2012; future updates will appear in pieces on before being posted on, such as the 3/26/2013 update found here. However, the story hasn't been updated in over five years, making it a Dead Fic.

See Warhammer 40,000 for the tropes from that universe.

Provides Examples Of:

  • Abusive Parents:
    • While nothing is said of his mother, Michael's father was stated to have left marks on him.
    • Batel's father is just short of explicitly abusive. After all, he drove Batel to summoning Chaos just to try and get rid of him... Turned up to eleven in the chapter where he becomes a daemonhost and Batel is physically unable to move from the terror of facing him again.
  • Accidental Pervert:
    • The Warp Spider Urual in the first Omake, who managed to teleport himself into the bathing pool full of naked Howling Banshees. Hilarity Ensues.
    • Michael tends to get hit with this a lot whenever the facet of Zara's psyche that stores all her emotions shows up, since she's got a habit of glomping him and cuddling in a way that's very easy for the rest of Zara's psyche to over-analyze.
  • Aerith and Bob: Given the mix of races, this is par for the course: normal human names like Alice and Vincent; 40K human variants like Ishabeth, Tomas and Eizak, and of course, Sohm Vekt; Madork Gunna (Ork) and Shas'ui D'lytir Nin'per (aka Sergeant Talon) (Tau).
  • Aesop Amnesia: Vincent is shot by a tank gunner (with 'low setting' on their multi-las) for treating the tank like a toy. He forgets it by the next thought: "Cool, Land Raider."
  • Affably Evil: The Rose of Slaanesh when attempting to recruit Michael. It goes down exactly the same way you think it does-what with the Rose being a follower of Slaanesh; Too Kinky to Torture AND a Vamp.
  • All There in the Manual: Several of the the odder characters have descriptions in the author's personal forum on There are also some hints as to what's to come.
  • Almighty Janitor:
  • And You Were There: Michael has a dream where Zara is his girlfriend, Emma is Zara's baby sister, and many of the Imperial commanders are friends and coworkers. It turns out to be a ruse from the Rose of Slaanesh.
  • Audience Surrogate: This role is passed around between Alice, Michael and Vincent, giving different perspectives and opinions: Alice does not enjoy the fact that there's miniature warriors running around. Vincent is on full out Squee because of it. Michael is trying to deal with it.
  • Badass Army: >90% of the characters in the story belong to at least one Badass Army or another.
  • Badass Boast: More than a few of these. For example:
  • Badass Bookworm: Vincent kind of plays this straight, since he's a military otaku with lots of spare time and Youtube. Averts I Just Shot Marvin in the Face because of this. However, Vincent then semi-subverts this since he's not at all fit (A quick run from one side of a parking lot to the other? Exhausting enough to get him mildly out of breath) and gets his ass handed to him by the Daemonhost.
  • Battle Couple:
    • Justicar Amadeus and Canoness Samisha are definitely headed this way. Their parting gesture when about to head into battle? A knuckle tap. Others are starting to form, but whether it's an actual couple or not is up for debate.
    • The Stealthsuit team from the Valentines Omake are a Battle Foursome.
    • Possibly Danilov and Raquel.
  • Battle in the Center of the Mind: The Mind War arc is all about this.
  • Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: the Emperor was Jesus, Saint George, Jeanne d'Arc and Winston Churchill before becoming Emma.
  • Cerebus Syndrome: Starts setting in around chapter 8, although it doesn't lose the comedic elements.
  • Combat Pragmatist:
    • Vincent's first weapon? A can of spaghetti. Followed by a bag of flour, which is then turned into an improvised explosive. Silverite is also this, with his backstory.
    • Also; given a choice between a lightsaber, a chainsword, a psychic sword, a spear and every other weapon imaginable, what does Michael pick? A fire extinguisher.
      • Which really came in handy when his opponent started using fire-ball attacks.
    • Michael, in the Mind War arc, goes beyond the regular summoned small arms that's the local fare, and begins breaking out the laser-linked gatling weapons for crowd control.
    • Michael even uses himself against The Rose: sneezing on her face as a distraction, biting her tongue when she is trying to kiss him, as well as a list of other solutions to some very...uncomfortable situations.
  • Conveniently an Orphan: Averted, in that while Michael does live alone in a big house, its because of his grandfather's will - his family is still alive and well, with both parents alive.
  • Cosmic Plaything: Batel's claim to The Woobie status is her being the Chaos Gods' bitch and her father's... uh... plaything. Michael and the rest may or may not be part of a plan of some kind.
  • Creepy Child: Subverted by Emma in ch. 20; see The Reveal below.
  • Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass:
    • Silverite.
      It was the strangled, near-panic cry of one of his men, “Brother Timmae“, and it was soon followed by the dakka dakka dakka of Silverite's twin bolters. Of course, that didn't last long until a roaring Ork stopped the firing. A series of crunches and another dakka followed. The Ork's voice was next heard whimpering for mercy.
    Justicar Amadeus gnashed his teeth. Near heretical he may be, but Silverite was not a coward nor incompetent.
    • The named Grey Knights tend to be CMHBs or inverted; the three Grey Knights in Chapter 23 are more Crouching Badass Hidden Morons, since they are extremely badass but with a hint of moron (like feeding a normal human Space Marine-grade alcohol. For them it's 'tipsy'. For Michael, it's 'almost dead from alcohol poisoning'.)
  • Demonic Possession: Batel's step-father becomes a daemonhost. Although this may also extend into More than Mind Control, if one listens to the Sorcerer's threats in Chapter 20.
  • Double Entendre: Put to glorious use by the Rose. To note: "She tried to jump on me!" "You could've said you liked being on top."
  • Demoted to Extra: Poor Necrons, right after their awakening, they're greeted with equivalent of 1.7 kiloton raw C4 explosion inside a giant mining cave the size of starship hangar. Nothing out of the ordinary considering how resilient they are compared to the rest, but still...
  • Distracted by the Sexy: Zigzagged since Michael does get distracted-as in the fight with not-Zara-but manages to shake himself free with outbursts of activity-voluntarily or otherwise, like sneezing from the Rose's perfume and biting tongue while she's trying to kiss him.
  • Enemy Mine: In chapter 20, the Orks actually team up with Order to fight the Chaos incursion. The Assault Marine commander even lampshades this, rationalizing that Orks team up with Order because everyone else will be there, while Chaos troops will be only available for a limited time.
  • Exactly What It Says on the Tin: Bows of Frustrationnote 
  • Expospeak Gag: "A lot of the crystalline data storage structures also seem to be irrecoverably damaged." = "We ruined his DVDs."
  • Expy:
    • After watching Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Yoza becomes one of Yoda, intentionally. When the going gets tough, he drops the act.
    • A young woman who dual-wields two BFGs, one of which has an extended barrel and scope. Meryl from MGS, anyone?
    • Cultist-chan/Batel's appearance and speech patterns are taken from the /tg/ Fanon.
    • Briefly appearing (and seen but not named in later chapters), the Space Marines Dreadnought is the same as Fanon's Tankred.
  • False Crucible: Teaching Michael that daemons will come at him in any shape and form, even the bitchy Tsundere
  • Fantastic Racism: Par for the course at the start of the fic, but gradually diminishes as the factions learn to co-exist in Michael's house, and eventually team up for various reasons. They aren't completely comfortable around each other, but they've realized that given the circumstances, it's far better that they all work together.
  • Fan Verse: ToyHammer, The Enoch File, and Tomas Sturm are all connected. (Commissar Enoch was a classmate of Commissar Tomas Sturm, and the same Tomas is the IG Regimental Commissar in ToyHammer).
  • Genre Shift: From a whimsical Gag Series to a more serious (but still funny) epic tale that twists the canon while still respecting it, showing us what happens when the more reasonable minds of the Grimdark future try to co-exist.
  • Goomba Stomp: Assault Marines are now trained in it. They used to not do it, preferring to land in front of the enemy and charge from there, but then one marine realized "Hey, I'm nearly a ton of armor, marine, and the Emperor's Fury, and I'm launching myself really high in the air. What happens if I land on the enemy?" After the squishy end result, this became standard practice.
  • Grammar Nazi: Used by Michael to piss off The Sorcerer.
    "Uh, buddy, you just ended a sentence with a preposition."
  • Gratuitous Japanese: Vincent commonly swears in Indonesian, since it's his native language.
  • Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Michael to Zara. Somewhere between 5'6"-6' compared to 0'2". Inverted when Zara shows up at her true height inside Michael's head.
  • I Call It "Vera":
    • Grey Knight Silverite named his Guns Akimbo BFGs 'Facebreaker' and 'Mr. Right'. Facebreaker lives up to its name.
    • Michael's weapon of choice is a fire extinguisher, which are called Big Red # (# being the number that he's at. With the Valentine's Day Omake, its currently at 7.)
    • Vincent wields number 11 in Chapter 19.
  • Imperator Ex Machina: Quite literally with Emma's intervention in chapter 20, considering who and what she is.
  • I Just Shot Marvin in the Face: Also, when the poser gangsta tries shooting his Colt .45 Gangsta Style and it 'jams' (it actually stovepipes), he tosses it away as useless. When the Badass Bookworm gets a hold of it, guess what?
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: Referenced in the "Ordo Vermin" Omake.
  • Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain: Hilariously done with the Chaos Sorcerer. He's not exactly ineffective at what he does, but you have to feel bad for him when he gets continuously interrupted in the middle of his hammy-as-hell "I'm totally going to kill you" speech by quips from Michael's forces-at one point by a friggin' AXE.
  • Interface Screw:
    • Da WAAAAGH!!! and Madork Gunna's gun do this to the formatting. Lampshaded.
    • As does Michael becoming drunk or knurd.
  • Klatchian Coffee: Literally. Michael is given some Klatchian coffee after experiencing 'Space Marine'-grade alcohol, and then causes some Interface Screw when he stopsusingspaceslikethistoshowhthesideeffectsofthecoffee.
  • Large Ham: Any and all factions, as gloriously experienced back in the source universe for this story. But the Chaos Sorcerer seems to steal 40 minced-ham pies when he gets pissed off. Michael and Vincent also seem to be growing to enjoy the taste of scenery as well.
  • Lighter and Softer: Very much so in comparison to the source material. All the human, Eldar, Tau, and even (to some extent) Ork characters are decent people who actually care about their fellow soldiers and are even willing to ally with xenos once they start getting adjusted to living in Michael's house.
  • Made of Iron: The little soldiers obviously aren't as durable in their miniature state, but they're still pretty hard to squish.
  • Meaningful Name: A coincidence, and a few purposeful ones:
    • 'Vincent' means 'conqueror', and he later becomes the Supporting Leader (kind of).
    • Batel is a Hebrew name for 'Daughter of God'. Which God is still questionable since she was once a Chaos cultist.
    • We also have Miles, which means 'Soldier'. The guy was a combat engineer.
    • 'Shas'ui Fi'rios Yon'anuk Eldi'myr' = Fire-caste veteran trooper of the Fi'rios colony, hunter-bird winged-knife' = 'Sergeant Talon of Fi'rios'. The author is showing his work here.
    • "The Rose". She wants to suck out your soul (amongst other things) and sacrifice you to the God of Pleasure (not a euphemism). She's also incredibly hot.
    • Emma. She's the Emma-peror.
  • Modern Major General: Imperial Guard General Faust. He's really good at logistics and organization; combat, not so much.
  • Mood Whiplash:
    • Played for laughs at the end of Chapter 23. Michael has just been dragged off by a Slaaneshi cultist with a heavy rose theme, and promptly whiplashes into absurdity when his nose starts sniffling from his hay-fever.
    • Continually through chapter 24. Especially when the Rose goes from cheerfully teasing Michael to slitting the throat of a young girl (thankfully it was only a memory mannequin) within the space of two paragraphs.
  • Morality Pet: Michael may in fact be this for the minis, since there's no other reason to not fight each other than the fact that Michael is around to keep them from doing so. Oh, and this pet's of the 'cat' stereotype with a fire extinguisher.
  • More Dakka:
    • Orks. 'nuff said.
    • A possible Chekhov's Gun is the gun club Michael has connections with, gives us a potential increase in Dakka if implemented.
    • Michael has the Grey Knights materialize a dozen Sentry Turrets from Modern Warfare 2 and has them all blazing at full-auto at an advancing pack of daemons. The front ranks evaporate.
    • While Michael agrees with the Orks that there is no such thing as "Enuff Dakka," there is such a thing as "Time and place for Dakka." Since they're living in the basement, if they decide to start shooting things, they could bring the entire house down on top of them. The Orks are forced to agree.
  • Morton's Fork: In ch. 33, this is revealed to be the reason the Emperor allowed the Horus Heresy and its aftermath to play out as it did - all the alternatives would've been worse, some much sooner than later.
  • Mundane Utility: Some of the minis, mostly the various scout units, help Micheal with his day job as an exterminator. Several Omakes focus on this.
  • My Little Panzer: Played with, the minis are exactly the same size as their toy counterpart, but not only they're durable (accounting their armor at least) but are certainly dangerous due to fully functional weaponry. Even more literal with their tanks, especially after retooled to accept 'real' cartridge (read: Titan small arms ammunition), and Tau railguns are noted to be a s strong as decent rifle.
  • Noodle Incident: Just how did Vincent and Alice get subdued by a coalition army that had trouble handling ONE human?
    • We do know, however, that they fired an anti-tank rocket as a 'warning shot'... at Vincent's face.
  • Normally, I Would Be Dead Now: A variant.
    Normally, I'd be dumbstruck, but since the Grey Knight had been kind enough to give me a four-line rhyming warning, I reacted.
  • Nosebleed: When Warp Spider Urual accidentally teleports in on the Howling Banshees' bathtime.
    Urual coughed. Blood leaked from his nose, yet he had never been struck in that whole time.
  • Not Quite Dead: Eizak, with an absolutely delicious one-liner; (Answering whether the Last Rites should be administered) "That will not be necessary."
  • Oh, Crap!:
    • Michael, when he is found with little!Zara in a very intimate embrace by the Banshee!Zara, Warlock!Zara and Avatar!Zara.
    • The Chaos soldiers also experience this (partly literally) when Emma shows up.
  • The Reveal: Remember that Creepy Child Michael met in the supermarket? She's THE FREAKIN' GOD EMPEROR OF MANKIND.
  • Terms of Endangerment: Zara repeatedly calls Michael 'mon-keigh' (Eldar term for 'human'). This is the first hint that the Zara mind-shadow is not the real Zara, when she uses his name and 'my dear' to refer to him.
  • That Came Out Wrong:
    • Meta-example. Jeremiah asks Tomas, "You got krak!?" He's asking for Krak-type anti-tank grenades, not the drug.
    • Again with Zara, when she screams "I DO NOT WEAR PANTIES!". She actually has a 'combat membrane', which leaves no room for underwear, but still...
  • There Is Only One Bed: Basically why Michael wakes up one morning with Emma a.k.a.: The God-Emperor of Man in his bed: She was cold, and none of the other options were available (no room, too short to reach, or covered by more firepower than she was comfortable with)...and she explicitly admits that she did that to Troll him as well.
  • This Is Going to Suck: A semi-reclusive artist (who had just had his legs sprayed by miniature machine guns) and a nerd run across a parking lot while being chased by an Apologetic Attacker with a daemonically possessed knife nut. They're out of breath by the time they've gone halfway.
  • This Is My Side: Each of the factions have claimed their own territory. The Sisters of Battle in the attic (inside of two old-school doll houses that are now abbeys). The Guard have a bedroom to share with the Adeptus Mechanicus and the Inquisition. The Space Marines have a bedroom too, with their own Adeptus Mechanicus forces as well as the majority of the vehicles. The Orks have the basement. The Tau are stuffed in a corner of the living room. The Eldar have the downstairs bathroom, and have only just figured out what the 'convenient landing pad' was used for.
  • Too Kinky to Torture: The Rose. Ohhhh...yes. She gets asked to fuck a chainsword. Her answer? "I'd be delighted to."
  • Trademark Favorite Food: Commissar Tomas loves his coffee.
  • Trolling:
    • Emma likes to do this. In a MASSIVE one to Justicar Amadeus:
      Amadeus: Are you the Emperor? I could swear that you are... well, perhaps a previous incarnation?
      Emma: No. I am not the Emperor.
      He sighed. So it wasn't true. Somehow, the Knight must have bee-
      Emma: Yet.
    • Beautifully lampshaded in the chapter's title- Deus Ex Psyche
    • There's also her teasing/flirting with Michael. She might be the Immortal God-Emperor of Mankind, but in the current era she inhabits the body of an eleven year old girl. Cue jokes about being Michael's kid in the next life, his future wife etc...
  • Troperrific: There's an astonishingly large amount of Shout Outs, Lampshade Hanging and Leaning on the Fourth Wall for a house that almost gets burnt down with every chapter (even in the omakes).
    • To quote Zara: As Michael would say- "Oh, Crap!"...
    • "Instead they're going to be Fate's Butt-Monkey"
    • "Yes, the girl there is an Expy of Cultist Chan. Break the Cutie indeed..."
  • Yandere:
    • Zara again. Vaporizes the Rose with a bolt of lightning whilst the cultist was mid-kiss with Michael. To be fair, the Rose is a Chaos-worshipper...except her immediate remark to Michael is "Ah, you survived."
    • Aaaaaannnndd of course The Rose is as well. Turns out she has something of a Berserk Button in that she actually starts trying to kill Michael after seeing Zara and him hugging, despite the fact that she reacts good-naturedly to each and every attempt of her victim to murder her beforehand. And when she finally gets her hands on him she threatens him with a knife whilst masturbating the pommel of a goddamned sword
  • Your Other Left: Used by Jeremiah.
    "Sergeant! Pass me some krak grenades. The ones on your, your other left! Up two grenades, and your other left one. Yes, those."