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Characters / Ted

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    Ted Clubberlang
Played by: Seth MacFarlane, Zane Cowans (young), Tara Strong (uncredited, "I Love You" function)

John's teddy bear and best friend.

  • The Alcoholic: Among many other things, Ted has a penchant for drinking alcohol.
  • Distressed Dude: He gets kidnapped by Donny and Robert.
  • Former Child Star: Being a living teddy bear, Ted was considered a "miracle" and briefly became a famous celebrity.
  • The Hedonist: Ted's lifestyle. A Lazy Bum who is into hookers, drugs, drinking beer...
  • Heterosexual Life-Partners: Him and John; this is deconstructed in the first film since Ted's immature behavior rubs off on John, causing tension between John and Lori.
  • Interspecies Romance: With Tami-Lynn; he's a living teddy bear toy and she's a human.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: For all his faults, he is a friendly and lovable teddy bear who genuinely cares for others, especially his friend John and his wife, Tami-Lynn.
  • Kavorka Man: Ted had sex with numerous attractive women despite being, well, a teddy bear. With no penis.
  • Ladykiller in Love: Before settling in a relationship with Tami-Lynn, Ted would take services from prostitutes and had other flings.
  • Oh, Crap!: When he's about to get kidnapped.
  • Official Couple: Again, with Tami-Lynn; they marry in the sequel.
  • Only Friend: Ted was John’s only friend when they were younger.
  • Outgrowing the Childish Name: John called him Teddy when he was a child. As an adult, he goes by "Ted".
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: When John blames him for Lori breaking up with him, Ted calls him out on it, pointing out how going to the party was his decision and that Lori was right about him about being incapable of taking responsibility for anything that goes on in his life. At least Ted has a reason for being irresponsible.
    Ted: "I don't have to! I'm a fucking Teddy Bear!"
  • Secondary Character Title: John is the main character and the centre of the story in the first film. In the sequel the story is more about Ted himself, with John as his sidekick.
  • Shipper on Deck:
    • In the first film, he supports John's relationship with Lori and is willing to take himself out of both her and John's lives for her to give John as second chance.
    • In the sequel, Ted teases John and Samantha about them being a couple, wanting them to get together.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: Ted has such a filthy mouth, to say the very, very least.
  • The Slacker: Has no ambition or motivation, and this is a source of Toxic Friend Influence for John.
  • Take That!: "Still better than Katy Perry."
  • Toxic Friend Influence: He repeatedly talks John into doing really stupid things that jeopardize his relationship with Lori. John calls him out on it later in the movie.
  • Undying Loyalty: Promised to always be best friends with John in their childhood.
  • Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: Not as much as Peter Griffin.
  • Unusually Uninteresting Sight: Justified. When he was first "born", he was a media sensation, but 27 years have passed since then and he's since become one of those things in life you can't really explain but simply have to accept.
  • Used to Be a Sweet Kid: As a child, "Teddy" was a sweet innocent little teddy bear. Cut to many years later, he's a foul-mouthed pervert, but still has a good heart.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Him and John. They may bicker and get on each others nerves, but they can't live without one another.
  • "YEAH!" Shot: For him and Sam Jones at the end, just like in Flash Gordon.

    John Bennett
Played by: Mark Wahlberg, Bretton Manley (young John), Colton Shires (teenage John)

The lazy, childish human best friend of Ted.

  • All of the Other Reindeer: Even the ones getting bullied didn't want him around.
  • Butt-Monkey: As a child. Even the Jewish kid everyone bullied hated him.
  • Cool Loser: More or less as an adult. He's a good-looking man with a hot girlfriend played by Mila Kunis, but still living a pathetic life, stuck in a dead-end job, and spending most of his time with Ted. It ends up costing him his marriage in the second film.
  • Disney Death: In the sequel, John falls into a coma after a big-screen TV falls on him and supposedly dies, but it's actually just a prank to get back at Ted for pretending to "come back" retarded at the end of the first movie.
  • Dramatic Wind: When he meets Sam Jones.
  • Dreadful Musician: When John tries to win Lori back after the latter breaks up with him, he then tries to perform at a concert. Turns out he was such a horrible singer that he got booed off the stage.
  • Everyone Has Standards: He's foulmouthed like Ted, but considers the C-Word like nails on a chalkboard.
  • Friendless Background: The reason that John made a wish for Ted to come to life was because he was shunned by the other neighborhood kids and he had no real friends.
  • Happily Married: With Lori, at the end of the movie...until the sequel reveals early on that they got divorced.
  • Heterosexual Life-Partners: Him and Ted; this is deconstructed in the first film since Ted's immature behavior rubs off on John, causing tension between John and Lori.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: To an extent, though the "jerk" part is mostly selfishness and immaturity. Other than that, John is a friendly Nice Guy.
  • Manchild: The first film is about John's inability to grow up in general.
  • Never My Fault: John tries to blame Ted for his breakup with Lori, ignoring the fact that he’s not obligated to constantly ditch Lori to engage in immature behavior with Ted. Even Ted calls him out on this.
  • Sir Swears Alot: Not to an extent like Ted, but does swear like a sailor.
  • The Slacker: Due to Ted's influence, a thing which frustrates Lori.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: When he tells off Rex.
    John: You know Laurie would hate me for saying this, but she told me how you were in the office. And as one gentlemen to another I hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's Disease.
  • Two First Names: "Bennett" can also be a first name.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Him and Ted. They may bicker and get on each others nerves, but they can't live without one another.
  • Would Hurt a Child: John says, "Well someone had to Joan Crawford that kid," about Robert, a spoiled psychopath.

    Lori Collins
Played by: Mila Kunis

John's girlfriend.

  • Deadpan Snarker: Has her moments especially when it comes to John acting like a kid.
  • Happily Married: With John at the end of the movie. It doesn't work out.
  • I Can Change My Beloved: Attempts to do this with John. This ends up causing their divorce in the sequel as John was fed up with her always trying to change him.
  • Ms. Fanservice: In the scene where she's wearing nothing but a towel.
  • Nice Girl: She’s one of the friendliest, most levelheaded women in the movie.
  • Only Sane Woman: When she's around John and Ted, big time.
  • Put on a Bus: She's absent from the sequel, more than likely because of her divorce.
  • Single Woman Seeks Good Man: Lori stated that she loves John because he's funny and super sweet. She just wishes he would get more maturity.
  • Women Are Wiser: More levelheaded and mature than John.

Played by: Giovanni Ribisi

Ted's stalker who became obsessed with Ted as a child.

  • Karma Houdini: The epilogue reveals that he was released from jail because the idea of kidnapping a sentient bear was too stupid for the cops to believe.
  • Karma Houdini Warranty: He finally got arrested for real in the sequel after nearly killing John.
  • Manchild: His obsession with Ted (a teddy bear) & trying to keep him to himself makes him out to be this.
  • Moral Myopia: He's a sleazy kidnapper but considers foul language to be distasteful.
  • Serial Killer: Seems to have the characteristics of one, such as a room full of news clippings and a rocking horse with a wig. Ted even lampshades the last one.
  • Stalker Without a Crush: Towards Ted. He's not in love with him, he's just obssessed with having Ted as a toy.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: What ultimately blows his cover in the sequel- he has a compulsion to dance every time he hears Tiffany's cover of "I Think We're Alone Now".
  • Yandere: A rare platonic example towards Ted.

Played by: Aedin Mincks

Donny's son.

  • Evil Duo: With his father.
  • Fat Bastard: However, he managed to grow up to become Taylor Lautner... Somehow.
  • Spoiled Brat: An interesting example, in that while his father makes it a point of never saying "no" to him and he's definitely a brat, his room is almost bare, he has something called a "play hour", and his father is physically abusive towards him.

Played by: Joel McHale

Lori's boss who is constantly trying to hit on her.

  • Abhorrent Admirer: To Lori. He's not unattractive, but his personality definitely is.
  • All Men Are Perverts: When Lori leaves his office, he grabs a magnifying glass, inspects where she was sitting, and licks it. Perverted enough for you...?
  • Anti-Villain: He's not even a real villain, just an asshole and John's rival for Lori's affections.

    Tami-Lynn McCafferty
Played by: Jessica Barth

Ted's co-worker and Love Interest.


    Samantha Leslie Jackson
Played by: Amanda Seyfried

A young lawyer that takes on Ted's case in the sequel.

Alternative Title(s): Ted 2


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