Funny / Ted

For the Funny Moments page for Ted 2, go here. For the Funny Moments page for the 2024 series, go here.

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• For starters, the "Thunder Buddies" song.
  • "FUCK YOU, THUNDER! YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!''
  • Think about people's reaction to the trailer's beginning before that song: basically, Mark Wahlberg meets Mila Kunis in bed, playing out as just another generic romance. However, Wahlberg has a panic attack because of thunder, which is a little funny... But suddenly, out of nowhere, comes a walking, talking teddy bear voiced by friggin' Seth MacFarlane.
• Young John Bennett is eager to show his parents his newly sapient talking teddy bear. They react with the surprise and wonder one would expect: "JESUS H. FUCK!"
  John's Father: Helen, get my gun!!
  Young John: Dad, no!
  Young Ted: Is it a hugging gun?
• "You owe me lobster money!"
• Young Ted matching comic wits with Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show:
  Carson: I thought you were going to be taller.
  Ted: I thought you were going to be funnier!
• Ted and John's first meeting with Donny and Robert in the park stands out due to a truly incredible delivery by Mark Wahlberg:
  Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me!
  John: (Simultaneously disgusted and perplexed) Why the fuck would he say that?!
• John knocks a heckler in the face with the mic stand as he poorly serenades Lori. Later, he punches Robert out as he runs toward him.
  John: Well someone had to go Joan Crawford on that kid.
• The party at Ted's place. Especially when the Chinese Guy shows up.
  Ted: (drawing on a woman's boobs) See! I told you Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits!
• While Ted was being carried over away in a bag from the crazy people's house:
  Ted: LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU CRAZY BASTARD! LET ME...Oh. Oh, I hear the fat kid running! [laughing slightly] I hear the fat kid running, I bet it's hilarious! But now LEMME OUT OF HERE!!! I AM A CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
  • Ted referring to said "fat kid" as "Susan Boyle" and "Tubby McFatFuck".
• When Ted was talking to John over the phone after being kidnapped by Donny.
  Ted: They got me, that freaky guy from the park, and that kid who I think is his son, but may also be his lover, I don't know.
• Young John is so unpopular, even the Jewish kid getting beaten up by the neighborhood kids tells him to go away.
• Patrick Stewart actually saying the line, "Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish... Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive compliment of weaponry; an absolute death machine."
  • There's also the Take That! to Superman Returns, and comparing Ted's later years to those of Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, and Justin Bieber.
  Eventually, nobody gives a shit.
  • All of his lines are hilarious. Mostly because with his voice saying anything ridiculous is automatically funny.
• The "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue
  • Rex died of Lou Gehrig's disease!
  • Donny was arrested for kidnapping a teddy bear, then released because of how incredibly stupid that sounded.
  • Robert got a trainer, lost weight and became Taylor Lautner.
• A Deep South newscaster reports on Ted coming to life: "LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! LOOK WHAT JESUS DID!"
• Some of Ted's brands of weed, including "Mind Rape", "Gorilla Panic," "They're Coming, They're Coming" and "This is Permanent."
• "Yeah whatever, thanks for 9/11."
• Ted's job interview.
  Frank: You think you got what it takes?
  Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
  Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
  Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
  Frank: You're hired.
  Ted: Shit.
  • The TV trailer version is also amusing: "Your wife's panties on my floor." That said, hearing the movie version makes the real line much funnier.
  • From there, the multiple times Ted curses out his boss, has sex with his girlfriend on the produce, and gets promoted for it.
  Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
  Boss: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
  Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?
• "You had a baby?! Is it still alive?"
• Lori calls John's phone... and it plays "The Imperial March"
  Lori: Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.
  John: No. I-it's from The Notebook.
• "THERE IS A SHIT ON MY FLOOR!"
  • "Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and Cherene is pretty ballsy."
  • "Or is there a floor on the shit? As Kierkegaard would say."
  • John freaking out when Lori tries to pick up the poop, while standing far away from it and started gagging.
• "You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat!"
• "Hello, 911? This is an emergency! This man stole my teddy bear!"
  • And the cop hangs up.
• "Stick ya fuckin' asshole up ya fuckin' ass!"
• "I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!"
• Ming, the neighbor who crashes Ted's party being an Asian Rudeness caricature complete with broken english? Not that funny. Sam J. Jones hearing that his name is "Ming" and thus hallucinating the man dressed up like Ming the Merciless, a villain with infamous Yellow Peril undertones? So obscenely ballsy it becomes hysterical.
  Sam J. Jones: DEATH TO MING!!!
• "I just farted. That was a man fart."
  • Funny enough, he actually did fart, with it being aimed at abunch of businesspeople. Their reactions are priceless.
  • "GODDAMNIT, I'M HERE ON BUSINESS!!!"
• John listing every single trashy name he can think of while guessing Ted's new girlfriend's name at high speed.
• (on the hood of the car) "Hey, John? Total TJ Hooker, right!?"
• "Do I need to wash my hands before playing this game?" "No...th-that's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting!"
• Ted voicing the two fish in the fish tank. The second fish he even voiced in as Stewie Griffin.
• In the extended version, Tammy Lynn attacking Tanya when she catches the bouquet Lori throws after she and John get married.
• Ted asking if Donny has one of those creepy old-timey wooden horses with a real mane. He does.
  Ted: Yup, there it is.
• Donny attempting to buy Ted with his railroad bonds.
  Ted: Uh...well, you know, since I just returned from active duty in the Civil War, that actually sounds very appealing. Oh, wait! No, I'm sorry, that was a hundred and fifty years ago, and uh... I don't give a shit.
• LANGUAAAGE!!!
• The entire fight scene in John's motel room. Some highlights of that fight:
  • Ted's Tranquil Fury throughout the whole fight.
  • Ted pulling John's pants down to smack his bare ass with a TV antennae.
  • The lamp pole smashing into John's head after its cord hooked onto the ceiling fan.
  • John having the television falling square on his dick.
• When Ted is revived and pretends to have Come Back Wrong, which is followed by a Heartwarming Moment.
  Ted: I'm aliff, Johnny!
  John: Oh my God!
  Ted: I'm aliff, yoah magicuh wish wuhked!
  John: You're back! I...!
  Ted: Yeah, I mean, you know, when you sewed me up, you pu' some schtuffing in da wrong places, sho I'm, I'm a li'l fucked up, but wiw you take cayuh of me fo-evoh and evoh?? (John is processing this, devastated. Ted drops the act) Dah ha hahh! I'm just kiddin' ya, I thought it'd be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded!
  John: You asshole!
  Ted: C'mere, you bastard! (They Man Hug)

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