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Funny / The Cinema Snob 2011 Episodes

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    New Year's Evil 

    Pussy Talk 
  • Another talking vagina movie.
    • In the intro the normal theme song is replaced with Michigan J. Frog singing "Hello Mah Baby!"
    • In the same review, when the main female lead is escaping whilst in the background music plays with a "Hup! Hup! Hup!" sound in the background:
    Snob: Is that the soundtrack or some annoying kids on a fucking plane?!
  • The Big Box Model, erm... accompanied by the voice of Kung Tai Ted, to her horror.
  • At the start, when he sees the logo of the company who makes the film
    Snob: Why do I have the feeling someone is now going to fuck a horse in this movie?
  • "Since this is the dub version, this means YOU'RE the English!"
  • (About the scene of the lead actress as a teen having sex with her boyfriend)
  • Snob: Hmmm, Natalie isn't the only one getting wood in this scene! [protagonist strokes a toy Pinocchio's nose] Well, except for Pinocchio ... Oh.. Never seen lying get someone into such a tight jam!

    Dressed To Fire 

    Italian Batman 

    Driller Killer 
  • The Snob's comments about the in-universe No Wave band The Roosters, saying that "their music is so Punk, that even their snot is pierced!", Calling them "The Sucks Pistols" and the similar bass line in the practice scene.
    Snob: "Hey, they're almost playing the theme from Peter Gunn."
  • The Snob's reaction to the movie considering Reno the killer a huge twist, after we've seen him murder people with it.
    Snob: "Oh shit, Reno's the killer! (Confusedly shrugs.)"

    Star Odyssey 
  • When the aliens destroy a bunch of cities on Earth, using some very old stock explosions (as in "the movie is in color but the stock footage is in black and white" old).
    Snob: "Bastard! They destroyed the world's supply of Stock Footage! Now how is Nick Phillips going to make another Death Nurse movie!"
  • Being interrupted by the final shootout of The Hooker with a Heart of Gold.
    ... (concerned) I'm sure that will work itself out...
  • Commenting on the villain, who is a scaly looking person.
    The man from the fridge might have claimed that he is the Waffle Maker, but this guy, really IS the Waffle Maker!
  • "Enderium... the mineral is called Enderium... That make you happy, James Cameron? YOU RIPPED OFF STAR ODYSSEY!!
    • "After endearing the Unobtainium... I mean, obtaining the Enderium..."

    Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory 

    Billy the Kid vs. Dracula 

    Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter 
  • His not-so-subtle reasoning for public domain month.
    Snob: Why did I even do this Public Domain Month, anyway?! Cough, DVD, cough.
    Snob: Don't feel bad for Hank though: he's left with one of the greatest tombstones ever!
    Snob: I hope to God that when I die, my tombstone reads something like "Here Lies The Cinema Snob. He once reviewed Troll 4 with Phelous"!

    Night Trap 

    Las Tortugas Mutantes Pinjas 
  • "For those of you who are curious the full title for the film is Las Tortugas Mutantes Pinjas, which I think stands for (shot of naked torso) EEEEEWWW!!!"
  • Also, the opening of the review.
    Snob: Oh, sure! Sure! This is what I want to see. TURTLES FUCKING! Well, why don't you just pop in a Mondo Cane film? I'm sure that's got turtles fucking!
  • Regarding the scene in which Raphael looks in a telescope and finds a close-up shot of a sex act:
    Snob: Oh, so Raphael's a voyeur now? Well that's going to cost him about ten wall flips. I can't show you what he's looking at, there's no subtitles so I don't know what she's saying, but judging by the sound of her voice... [audio clip of woman moaning in ecstasy] Mikey, I think she likes it... in the ass!
  • Regarding the movie ending with a "Fin?" ("The End?"):
    Snob: Fin, question mark? Well of course this isn't the end! In the sequel, they learn about the "Secret of the Ooze"! Here's a hint...[stage whisper] It's jism!

    Grizzly 2 
  • The Snob explaining why the prospect of reviewing the movie scares him: It is unfinished.note 
    Snob: Chatterbox. Finished. Superman: the 1975 Musical. Finished. Las Vegas Fucking Bloodbath! Finished! Grizzly 2? Yeah... we're not gonna bother finishing that.
  • Snob noticing that Michael Jackson songs are used for background music leads to this:
    Unnamed Character: Destroyed campsite...two dead bodies, kids. [musical stinger as the scene changes]
    Snob: Hrm, sorry. It's just not the same if the music cue ISN'T Michael Jackson!
    [the scene is repeated, only with the opening bars to "Thriller" played over the stinger]
    Snob: [grinning awkwardly] ...Perfect?
  • "I recognise those lyrics, it's from every Emo LiveJournal entry I've ever read!"
  • Snob for some reason ends up in a discussion of Family Guy's Overly Long Cutaway Gags and does a parody of one by trying to pick up a box on his porch only to have it repeatedly fall from his grip. He eventually grabs it and throws it over the balcony.
    Snob: THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!!
  • "I'll stick with good 1980s George Clooney movies like..." [long silence]
  • Overplaying the music in the film with Cruel Summer, "In a Big Country," and "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades."
  • In a repeat of a similar joke from his "Video Violence 2" review, Snob decides to call himself (from before he reviewed "Las Tortugas Mutantes Pinjas") to suggest a joke he just came up with,note  which Past!Snob bluntly thinks is shit.
    Snob: [scoff] Asshole! [hangs up the phone; to the audience] Paradox!

    Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy 
  • The ending to this review, where he states that the movie could have been a lot worse...which he acknowledges that it isn't much of a compliment coming from him:
    Snob: When you know what E.T's asshole looks like and what the word "Conchadunga" could be a LOT worse.
  • Referring to Alice's lover as "her misogynistic boyfriend", as well as this:
    Alice: I'm just not that kind of girl!
    Boyfriend: [offended] Who says I wanted that kind of girl?!
    Snob: [scoffs] The script?
  • Behold:
    Alice: That's my breast.
    Wonderland creature: ...What's it for?
    Alice: Well, someday when I have a baby, it'll have milk in it.
    Snob: (fake laughs, then points down at his crotch) Erection, GONE!
    • "You're just gonna have to take my word for it that he goes Tweedle-deep in her Tweedle-dump."

    Geek Maggot Bingo 

    Cannibal Holocaust 
  • Jerrid as Detective Bolla:
    Bolla: This tapwater tastes like cola...
    Mrs. Snob: Yeah, he only has Crystal Pepsi flowing through our pipes...
    Bolla: Well that's stupefyingly nostalgic.
    • And speaking of Mrs. Snob:
    Bolla: Mrs. Snob?
    Jillian: I have a name, you know?
    Bolla: Big Box Model?
    Jillian: [sighs] Mrs. Snob will do.
  • Jerrid taking a jab at video commentors:
    Bolla: First!
    Mrs. Snob: What?
    Bolla: I'm the first person to comment on this video!
    • Followed up by a hilariously exasperated look from Mrs Snob.
  • From a montage of interviews with people who knew Alan Yates, the director of the film crew:
    Yates' father: My son is no good. He doesn't work. He doesn't go to school. He wants to lay around the house all day, and he's no good. Period, pal. That's it.
    Snob: *looking shocked* D-d-dad?
  • "Aw shit! They just found Heather Donahue pissing in the woods again." She sees a spider and screams. "Oh wait, never mind. It's just Willie Scott."
  • "I, for one, am offended by that unnecessary political comment." "Hey look, titties!" "Ooh!"
  • The Snob declines to show the infamous impaling scene. Then he receives an email from the artist working on the title card of this episode. It depicts the aforementioned scene, with the Snob in place of the native woman. "Oh my God! poor ass."
  • The executives order all the Found Footage to be destroyed. "On second thought, just stick it in a vault next to The Day the Clown Cried."
  • The film's last line:
    Monroe: I wonder who the real cannibals are.
    Snob: I know the answer to this: the people who eat people. If you eat people, you're the real fucking cannibals!
  • This exchange:
    Bolla: So you see, Mrs. Snob, it appears that your husband was so obsessed with making a great review that he ran outside and was promptly murdered.
    Mrs. Snob: So where did his body go?
    Bolla: [thinks, then looks offscreen] Where did your body go?
    Snob: [offscreen] Cannibals ate it.
    Bolla: Oh. [to Mrs. Snob] Cannibals ate it.

    Night of Horror 

    Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars 
  • The post-script scene of the movie revealed to be a concert where the heroine is performing.
    Cinema Snob: [when he realises the movie isn't over] It's just the lead actress verbally-assaulting a microphone? Mmm... I DON'T CARE!!
  • Calling an investigator "Detective Harumph-rey Bogart".
  • "Meanwhile, on planet Apple..." (the object in the establishing shot probably is)

    Dracula: The Dirty Old Man 
  • The shower he takes when he sees the sexual assault/rape scene being dubbed over.
  • Jerrid dubbing over the Snob at the end while parodying said movie's Narmful dubbing (overly describing the Snob's actions and making him sound like a Jewish sterotype)


    Beware! Children at Play 
  • When the sheriff's teen daughter wants the protagonist to touch her breast.
    Daughter: Uncle now?
    John: What do you mean, Amy?
    Snob: She wants a purple nurple. Sweet fuckin' statutory...WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE MEANS?
  • The Snob orders a bucket off eBay, of all places, just to vomit into it.

    A Clockwork Orgy 
  • "But why am I saying this? This isn't a review of A Clockwork Orange! As if there needed to be another review. It's a classic. Watch it! And if you haven't seen it...then you're probably five years old. And if you're five years old...WATCH CLOCKWORK ORANGE! IT'S SO AWESOME!"
    • The Snob's reaction to the orgy scene in where they replace "Singin' In The Rain" with "Take Me Out To The Ballgame":
      Snob: Oh yeah, Gene Kelly's second-most popular song! Let me guess, they're going to replace Beethoven with "On Top of Spaghetti"!
    • "Okay, now I think you're confusing a Clockwork Orange spoof with a Caligula spoof."
    • The Snob dubbing over the mainstream pornos during the treatment scene with clips from E.T. The Porno, Beaver and Buttface and Super Hornio Bros.
    • "Is it really such a problem in this futuristic society that citizens roam around having consensual sex with each other? This future's so bright I've got to wear Trojans!"
    • "...The hell? Did she fuck him so hard it put him in a wheelchair? Eh, worth it."
    • After making an Incredibly Lame Pun about the characters being "a street gang I could get behind... or in front of", Brad looks off camera to make sure that Jillian isn't around.
  • Pointing out the irony that the movie doesn't spoof the "William Tell Overture" scene, a scene that, if you freeze frame it at the right moment, is actual porn.

    The Tormentors 
  • He realizes that the phone number on the Nazi business card is an actual phone number. He decides to call the number, only to be greeted by a loud clip of Adolf Hitler giving a speech, causing him to drop his phone in surprise.
    • His reaction to Dear Leader's accent:
      Yeah, you're about as Southern as Dan Whitney.
    • "Directed by B. Eagle? Beagle?! So Snoopy directed this?! Well, now we know it's gonna have great aerial battles!"

  • "Huh, the director's cut of Sucker Punch really is that different." And after that, struggling not to make Sucker Punch references... and eventually failing.
    • During one scene where the female lead finds and plays with a fetus:
      Snob: ...this scene reminds me of something.
      Snob: Ha ha, no, that movie was directed by pedophiles! This one is just weird.

    Pink Flamingos 
  • The Cinema Snob celebrates what looks like the end of the movie with "my usual post-review Caramello"... and then, in the film's most famous scene, Divine eats the dog turd. He stares at the film with a slack jaw... and then eats the Caramello.
    Snob: "What? This isn't shit, it's a candy bar. That was shit. Grow up, please."
    • When Edie repeatedly demands to see the eggman, the Snob goes "Goo goo g'joob."
    • "If this movie had any less of a point, it'd be a sphere!"
    • The Cannibal Holocaust theme makes another appearance, this time over Babs' trailer burning down.
    Snob: "Look at it like this Snob, still better than Gummo."
  • In response to the Marbles deciding to challenge Divine for her "Filthiest Person Alive" title, the Snob points out "you're starring in Pink Flamingos. You're ALL the filthiest people alive!"
    • "Forget the filthiest people alive. Now they're on another list: the FBI's ten most wanted."
    • The actor in the "Surfin' Bird" scene chose to leave his name off the credits. "It's a good thing there's no other way to identify him, like his fucking face!" Cue a shot of the actor's face.
    • "It's easy to see why Roger Ebert gave this movie zero stars. The real question is...why did he watch it in the first place? For that matter, why did I watch it?"

    Caligula II: Messalina, Messalina 
  • The Snob begins his review of Caligula II, a (spoof) sequel to a movie where the title character died at the end, by staring incredulously at the DVD case for several seconds, before finally just saying "...what?" Cut immediately to the Snob's theme music.
  • A disclaimer saying the Caligula sets were used without the permission of art director Danilo Donati has Snob translating it as "Hey Donati: FUCK YOU!"


    Violent Shit III: Infantry of Doom 
  • The Snob's increased anger at the bad dubbing, and increased apathy regarding the characters.
  • A character dies through forced brain surgery, and the Snob says he would've preferred that to watching the movie.
  • "What a fucking sad state we're in, when our CGI-filled horror films could learn something from the Violent Shit movies!"
  • Comparing the video quality to "the camera that shot my Christmas Eve party in 1989!"
  • "I don't want any ninjas in a forest unless it has Pierre Kirby or Godfrey Ho involved! But that can be fixed..." Cue the scene with Alphaville's "Jet Set" in the background.
  • "This movie has less to do with ninjas and zombies than Zombie vs. Ninja!"

    Hitler - Dead or Alive 
  • The actor playing Hitler does a surprisingly good job, leading the Snob to look up the actor on IMDB, curious as to the actor's place of origin. He discovers that the actor, Bobby Watson, is from Springfield, Illinois... the Snob's (and Brad's) place of residence. "That's... that's where I'm from!"
  • The Snob's own version of Douchey McNitpick shouting "Lloyd!" prompting Lloyd to appear behind the Snob.
    • What truly sells the moment is when Snob looks over his shoulder at Lloyd...prompting Lloyd to look into the camera, seemingly as surprised by his appearance as Snob (and the audience) is.

    Entrails of a Virgin 

    Blood Feast 

    Child Bride 
  • Snob: Given that this a 1930s' picture, I'm sure it's got some inappropriate music for the opening titles.
    *cheerful 1930s music plays*
    Snob: Classy. Nothing says "anti-pedophilia" like hijinks music.
  • The Snob's conclusion:
  • At the eventual wedding:
    Preacher: [awkwardly] If there is anyone here among you who knows of any reason why these two should not be joined together in holy wedlock, let him speak now —
    Snob: SHE'S TWELVE!!!!
  • At the beginning of the video before the music intro, he explains how the crew of MST3K refused the film.
    Snob: Well I have no standards. I'll do it.
  • Snob: There, just chuck the body down the cliff. That way it will look like the ground stabbed him.
  • Snob: (over a time lapsing montage) Seasons go by as we see this shot (clip of snowfall) of the community's dandruff.
  • Snob: The lead child actor in the film is young Jenny, who has fallen asleep reading "Child Marriage is a Crime." I heard the alternate title for the book is "Fucking Duh!"

    The Sinful Dwarf 
  • After a scene where they use a stunt dummy for Olaf's suicide via window jump:
    "And there you have the first onscreen appearance by the My Buddy doll."
  • "Just touching the doorknob would get you addicted to crack!"

    Angel Above, The Devil Below 
  • When the psychiatrist is having a conversation with the heroine's demonically-possessed vagina, the Snob cuts to a shot of Lloyd lounging on the floor every time the vagina is talking.
  • When the Devil appears, it's not the traditional kind
    Snob: She dabbles in Satanism long enough to where eventually *scene cuts to show the Devil, looking more like a Quaker than a normal devil* *Chuckles* What? No, that's the Quaker Oats curse! Your vagina's about to become part of this balanced breakfast!
  • Then a few seconds later, we see his face, and the Snob has flashbacks to other things:
    Snob: Ultimately he shows his face *The scene shows a close-up of the Devil, whose face looks partially rotted* and heh, damn! Is that Satan or the villain from Star Odyssey? Either way I'm craving waffles!
    Devil: Come taste my cock...
    Snob: *Over a shot of the female lead* I think not! I like my cock rare, and yours is clearly well done!
    Devil: I'll give you some fun... for your cunting foolishness!
    Snob: ...Good God! I feel like I'm watching a missing segment from Night Dreams!
    Night Dreams! Satan: Choice? Who likes a choice? Not me! Nuh-uh! Not for this boy!
    Snob: *shudders* I never thought that a talking vag movie would give me nightmares about Satan!
  • "(the movie's opening titles of a book) Goddammit! I seem to have got the novelization. I hope it's a pop-up book!"

    Dr. Sex 
  • At the beginning of the episode, the Snob remembers that he actually referenced the movie in one of his first episodes. This prompts him to take a look at said episode, only to be horrified by the terrible set, lame jokes and the Critical Research Failure.
  • His reaction to Dr. Sex's introduction:
    Dr. Sex: Some people have called me a great psychoanalyst. Others have called me... a quack.
    Snob: I think you're an asshole!


    Bat Pussy 
  • He reviews Bat Pussy while wearing a horse head.
    • Just the way he says "Holy shit, The Anal Dwarf!" after sitting through the main movie.
    • Also, the random cut to Lloyd while the Snob is talking.
  • "That's it? Really!? This is the closest I've come to just simply snobbing two people fucking for an hour!"
  • "Ralphus is very well hung, by the way. This is one horse that's impressed!"
  • This exchange:
    Brad: Until Bat Pussy gets there, we have to hear riveting lines like this...
    "Buddy": Yeah, well, what was she doin', takin' yer temperature in yer pussy?
    Brad: ...ewww! What does that even mean?!
  • Just his written description of the movie is hilarious. It simply says:
    Wow. This one's bad.
  • "If you can't fuck, get out of my bed!" "'kay, then you should all get out of bed..."
  • Snob decides his review is too short, so looks on his laptop to see if there was something quick he could review.
    "Holy shit, The Anal Dwarf!

     Badi (The Turkish E.T.) 
  • Cinema Snob riffs not just on Badi, but on the TV pop-ups that were recorded along with it.
    Snob: Why, yes, the movie does make me want to have phone sex! How did you know?
    • "I'm sorry, was that commercial about to turn into porn?"
    • "Good thing they're flying away now, as the town looks like it's been hit by extreme radiation!"
    • The very end, where the word "SON" appears on screen. note 
    Snob:I am NOT your fucking son!

    Keep Up The Lust E.T. 
  • Snob's reaction to the twangy Jawharp music in the background.
    Snob: Perfect! We're in for a good porno when Snoopy does the soundtrack.
    • His frustration of most of the movie not even having E.T.
    Snob: And so far, none of it contains E.T. getting fucked! Although do I even care about that kind of false advertising!?

  • His reaction to a particularly bad scene. can't convince me that George Lucas didn't write this movie!
  • His reaction to a character bringing up a previously unmentioned "Harvey" is just so goddamn earnest, it's amazing.
    Snob: WHO'S HARVEY!?
  • Snob: Never thought I'd be so glad to be back in the deserts of Africa. Will something hilarious happen, please? (one of the children is struck by a cobra) HA!
  • Snob thinks Nukie is so bad an E.T. knockoff that he compares it unfavorably to yet another notorious E.T. knockoff:
    Snob: Why am I doing this for "E.T. Week"? I should have saved it for "Mac and Me Week". And this movie's a lot shittier than Mac and Me, so I'm guessing it was endorsed by Hardee's.
  • The failed attempt to bring "Matt" to come and say his phrase. It's followed by the Snob trying to sound enthusiastic saying "Symbolism!".
  • After complaining the whole movie why Nukie just doesn't fly to America, this happens at the end:
    Nukie: I have an idea! If we can't walk, we can fly together!
    Snob: (dripping with hate) You don't FUCKING say!
  • Snob: Good thing I reviewed this movie on hump day, because I feel like I just got fucked!

    Homoti (The Other Turkish E.T.) 
  • Upon seeing a random animation scene of Homoti: "They're trying to make the credits for Casino Royale!" Cue "You Know My Name" over the CG.
  • Ed Glaser's attempt at giving the history of the film. "It was directed by... Turk Turkman"
  • Snob's numerous jokes about Homoti's huge ass.
    • "What's in that briefcase? Reese's Pieces? No, wait. This is a ripoff, so it's probably Coca-Cola and Big Macs. Either way, it's going straight to his ass."
    • "And are you [the woman who takes Homoti in] sure you want your catty neighbor around when you're [Homoti] showing off your Jello pudding ass?"
  • "It's time to teach ET how to be straight so they can fool Gene Hackman!"

    Extra Terrestrial Visitors 
  • The Snob's recap of E.T. Week.
    Snob: We've come to the end of E.T. Week. *chuckles briefly* Thank fucking GOD!!! At this point, I really don't fucking care. I've seen enough Turkish aliens, double-penied E.T.s, and "NUKIE" to make me wanna blast off to my own planet where no human's interpretations of extra terrestrials can ever hurt me again!
  • His realization that Extra Terrestrial Visitors has a much better-known title:
    Snob: Oh my God, it's fucking Pod People!
  • "Welcome to 2011! Where the word "Centipede" takes on a whole new set of connotations..."

    Porno Midnight Heat 

    Blood Rage 
  • His review for Blood Rage, made funnier by that his voice keeps cracking throughout the review.
  • On a clip of two of the characters playing a computer game
    Snob: "Did I just watch the original Let's Play?"
  • He does a brief comparison between this film and Home Sweet Home, which he reviewed a year previous.
    Snob: The only difference between these two movies is that in Blood Rage, I don't get to see Body By Jakenote  acting like a fucking nutbar!
  • Upon a character having their hand chopped off
    Snob: Hey! He just did you a favor - he stopped you from drinking a whole thing of Old Style!
  • And when a female character is shown in the shower...
    Snob: Hmm...not as gorgeous as my luscious breasts!

    The Corpse Grinders 
  • At the start, Lloyd is seen sitting in the Snob's chair. As the camera zooms in, Lloyd perks up and meows, causing the Snob to back off.
    • Then The Reveal that Lloyd had a role in the movie. (Doing pretty good for a 40-year-old cat! Heh.)
    Snob: ...Really, Lloyd? Were you that hard up for fucking money in the Seventies? Did those That Darn Cat! residuals not plan out?
    Nurse: You know Baby-san cares about you.
    Snob: Baby-san? You let them call you Baby-san? Nice!
    Doctor: I swear you think more about that cat than you do me.
    Snob: Well, Lloyd is a much better actor than you.

  • The title card where the Snob is hiding behind his chair from the title monster.
  • When the main character laments that her cat is the only friend she has left.
  • "Merry Christmas, the Nazis win!"
  • His amusement when Dan Haggerty's character points out the ridiculousness of the occult section being in aisle 666.
  • "I'll stick with Ernest Saves Christmas."
  • "Did that girl's life just get saved by an elf who stopped her from getting raped by a NAZI!?"
  • Mike McGavin I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis.
  • When one of the girls says a dirty rhyme that jokes about a guy's size, one of the girls asks if it's actually true.
    Snob: Yes, his dick is literally three feet long. You fucking idiot!!!
  • When the teenage girls compare breasts.
    Girl: So, guys...(lifts up shirt)...what do you think?
    Snob: I think we're still not getting higher than a PG-13.
  • During the opening scene:
    Girl: Is this a script?
    Snob: Funny. That's what the producers of the movie said.