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Funny / The Cinema Snob 2007 to 2009 Episodes

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    Burial Ground: Nights of Terror 
  • The Snob comments on the appearance of the zombies
    Snob: I gotta say, it's a good idea that these things turn out to be zombies. Because at first glance, they look like something a drunk college student would wear to scare the skirts off of some midnight Volleyball players on the beaches of the Bahamas!
  • The Snob informs us that one of the films many alternate titles is "The Zombie Dead".
    Snob: That's sort of like naming your movie "The Fanged Vampire" or "The Furry Wolfman!"

    Porno Holocaust 
  • Snob: Shit is shit, no matter what country the ass is from.
  • Brad breaks down pretty much the entire first third of the movie in a couple seconds:
    Snob: Four minutes in: talking (footage of people talking)
    Snob: Ten minutes in: fucking (clip of an awkward sex scene)
    Snob: Thirteen minutes in: talking (clip of people talking)
    Snob: Fifteen minutes in: fucking (clip of another sex scene)
    Snob: Twenty minutes in: talking (yet another clip of people talking)
    Snob: Twenty-two minutes in: fucking (slide that says "I can't even show you this one")
    Snob: Twenty-nine minutes: talking (still another clip of dialogue) and that just barely counts because seconds later they ease right into the fucking!
    Snob: It takes them a whole forty fucking minutes to get onto this goddamn island and the tedium doesn't even stop there! That's right, more talking and fucking!
  • During a sequence in which the protagonists are being chased by the radio-active zombie (which didn't make its first appearance until two-thirds of the way into the film):
    Snob: Oh, and it's also an educational film as well. For instance, did you know that when you are being chased by a radio-active zombie that that is a really good time to start fucking! (clip shows the protagonists doing just that)
  • The Snob's apt summarization of the ending:
    Snob: How does it end you ask? Well *smirks* how do you think it ends? (movie clip of MORE dialogue) With talking and fucking!

    Wanda, The Sadistic Hypnotist 

    Crazy Fat Ethel II 
Snob: I can tell you right now that I would rather get fucked by Mr. Greenfield than have to watch this piece of shit again!

  • The Snob becomes so distracted by the stunning beauty of the female prison warden, puts the review on hold to find out more about the actress.
    Snob:: A sadistic woman warden played by the stunning, transsexual, adult film star Ajita Wilson.
    Snob: What. Transsexual Adult Film Star?
    [Dramatic close up]
    [Cut to Shower of Angst]
    Snob: (On the phone with his girlfriend) Honey. Honey. Honey. We need to have sex. Right. Now. I am really, really, really confused...

    Los Ritos Sexuales Del Diablo 
  • The Snob's bewilderment that a bootlegged DVD of an obscure exploitation film has extra features on it including an Easter Egg
    Snob: That is...fucking ingenious!
  • On the fact that this movie is the second one in a row to feature bestiality
    Snob: What is it with these movies and animal fucking!?
    Snob: All I am saying is that if you're making an exploitation film and you come across a herd of cattle, keep it in your pants, goddamn it!

    Zero In and Scream 
  • The movie is borderline unfindable on IMDB, so Brad figures the site doesn't want people to find out it exists.

    Brutes & Savages 

  • Commenting on how the great titles "I Like to Kill" and "Want a Ride, Little Girl?" were discarded for the blander Impulse.

    Video Violence 
  • The start of his review.
    Snob: This movie... fucking SUCKS!!! *Throws the box to the floor, where a shattering noise is heard*
  • A little bit later
    Snob: *putting the DVD Box under a power drill* Why...won'!?

    Holocaust 2 
  • Trying to guess what Holocaust is referring to.
  • The director did an Exorcist 3... when the second movie hadn't even come out yet!


    Don't Go Near The Park 

    Savage Vengeance 


    Satans' Children 

    Horrifying Experiments of the S.S.' Last Days 
  • The DVD box cover that he drew himself.

    Zombie 4: After Death 

    Exit the Dragon, Enter the Tiger 


    Evil Come, Evil Go 

    Terror at Orgy Castle 

    The Hand of Pleasure 

    Zombie Lake 

    Ninja Untouchables 


    Zombie 5: Killing Birds 
  • "Let's end this like every YouTube video should end - with a man on fire."

    Blood of Ghastly Horror 

    Woodchipper Massacre 
  • Snob's predictions for the leading three actors' lives after making the movie: stripper (the hammy girl), alcoholic (the teenage boy), and dead (the bespectacled boy).
  • Snob advocating firing a friend from set if they turn out to be a Large Ham during filming when they weren't during the audition, and if the first choice for the role was "a fucking dog turd", said "fucking dog turd" is a slight improvement to your movie.

    Monkey with 72 Magic 

    The Eerie Midnight Horror Show 
  • The original VHS Copycat Cover that rips off The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Brad's disgust at seeing the DVD cover is nowhere as funny. To push the joke later, he remakes the opening credits like the Rocky Horror ones.

    The Black Six 

    Mother's Day 

    Elsa Fraulein SS 

    Frankenstein Island 
  • "Jerry Warren could negotiate a budget on two cans in a string, shoot the movie on a treehouse, and finance it by loaning from the termites!"
  • The only machine gun they could use was one that can't be taken from the tripod!

    Savage Weekend 
  • The Snob refers to the characters as a "group of sex-crazed weirdos" at the beginning of the review. He's not wrong, though.
  • He decides to give the movie another chance after having seen it a while back. When the movie opens with banjo music playing over the title card, he immediately regrets his decision.
    Snob: This movie sucks.
  • The characters are so fucked up to the Snob, he claims he wouldn't be surprised if Marie's son, Jeremy showed up and bit her tit off.
  • Later he calls the main characters lameos after the only character he likes is killed.
    • Adding onto that, the Snob forgot that one of them had been hanged by the killer.
  • The Snob gets frustrated at how poorly made the film is; with some shots being in fullscreen and some being widescreen, along with the boom mic being visible.

    Day of the Panther 

    Horror of the Zombies 

    Black Devil Doll from Hell 
  • He says that the film is so unsexy that thinking of Porno Holocaust is giving him an erection. Then, without changing his facial expression, he reaches over and grabs a jug of water, which he then pours on his crotch.
  • Claiming that the main character is not satisfied with other men pleasuring her because their dicks "aren't made from tree branches"
  • The Rule of Three Running Gag of Snob pointing out the movie was released in 1984, then shortening it to "this movie was released."
    Snob: Who knew that year would be worse than anything Orwell ever fucking predicted?

    The Italian Stallion 

    The Refrigerator 
  • After the fridge claims his first victim after a squicky love scene:
    Snob: Can you blame the fridge? I'd go nuts too if I had to witness that grotesque display of leap-frog.
    • Before the attack, Snob mumbling "My, my, my, my, Mitchell" as the horny couple race into the kitchen.
  • The protagonist's wife walking around the city in a montage reminds Snob of "something out of TV Land heaven" so he plays the theme tune to The Mary Tyler Moore Show over it.
  • Snob's annoyance of the husband being mind-controlled by the fridge.
    Snob: If you let the fridge come between you and your wife, you're a fucking idiot! Or a glutton.
  • (a man gets his foot eaten by a garbage can possessed by the fridge) "Why'd he stick is leg in there, in the first place?!"


    Salo, or The 120 Days of Sodom 
  • At one point, Snob is too dry to vomit anymore, despite his urge to, so he pours uncooked egg down his throat. It works.

    Tales from the Quadead Zone 

    The Galaxy Invader 
  • Discovering the movie is the one on the credits to Pod People.

    The Stewardesses 3-D 
  • "Ooh, heavy making out! From what I hear, that causes pregnant herpes."

    Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws 

    Friday the 13th, Part V: A New Beginning 

    Strike of the Panther 
  • Complaining on how the movie fails at doing the Training Montage right, meaning Snob has to do one himself, scored with "No Easy Way Out" from Rocky IV.

    Zombie Vs Ninja 

    Full Metal Ninja 

    Thunder of the Gigantic Serpent 

    Ninja of the Magnificence 

    American Commando 2: Hunting Express 

    Nail Gun Massacre 

    Bruno Mattei's Terminator II 

    Helga, She Wolf of Spilberg 

    War of the Wizards 

    Shriek of the Mutilated 

    Zombie 6: Monster Hunter 
  • "What the hell? When did this movie's dick get so small it looks like it just came out of the swimming pool?"

    Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell's Heroes 

    Death Nurse 

    Deep Throat Part II 
  • "This is a movie that sucks because it doesn't suck!"

    Turkish Star Wars 
  • Regarding the constant flash cuts:
    See this? Tegretol. I'm epileptic, I have been since fourth grade. Turkish Star Wars is the first movie I've done on this show that is literally TRYING TO KILL ME.

    Brazilian Star Wars 
  • The fake credits in the style of the Star Wars scrolling credits, especially the ending:
    You know, I don't know how Lucas comes up with what to write in these text crawls. Did you read that shit I just wrote? "Gamma rays of fecal doom?" That doesn't even make sense, I bought the fucking movie online. And it sucks! Watch, I'll explain why...
  • Snob disco dancing
  • "Congratulations! You have mastered the power of VCR!"

    Demented Death Farm Massacre 
  • Snob looking up the film's original title on IMDB: Honey Britches. Cue laughter.
    Snob: That's the dumbest fucking title I've ever heard in my life! That's like if you found out that the original title for Fatal Attraction was My Wittle Shmoopy Woopy Woopy!


    The Hoboken Chicken Emergency 
  • "The Hoboken Chicken Emergency? It's like they made each individual word in the title Texas Chainsaw Massacre kid-friendly!"
  • "I'm sorry, is Hoboken an island? Or 100 miles away from any nearby town? I'm sure the next town over won't chase you out with pitchforks if you attempt to buy a turkey from their IGA."

  • His reaction to the father being named "Harry Potter," from disbelief to disappointment that this was likely where J. K. Rowling got the idea. "Oh, great. Harry Potter and the Troll Toll of the Boy's Soul."
    • What the hell?! Fucking Professor McGonagal is their fucking landlord?!
  • You know, I think this troll might be playing a duel role. "Hi, I'm Malcolm Mallory, I just moved in!" Call it a hunch!

    Troll 2 

    Don't Open Till Christmas 

    Bloody New Year