Funny / The Cinema Snob 2012 Episodes

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Cannibal Ferox

• Calling the main villain and his friend Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Extra funny since the villain really does look like Trey Parker.
  Snob: Apparently, they caught him before he could put on his Orgazmo costume.
  • Bubble Tape!
    Snob: Well that was a delicious fifty-cent joke!
  • The Snob noting the overuse of the word "twat". By the third time he's reduced to nervous giggles.
  • After hearing the villain call one of the women a "hot-pussied little whore", he goes to see if that line really works. It does!
  • The cameo from Detective Bolla from the Cannibal Holocaust review.
  Snob: I'M NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD!

Anthropophagus

• The return of the snotty letter-writing fan:
  Fan: Dear Cinema Snob; I'm writing to express my concern about telling your audience to call their girlfriends a "Hot-pussied little whore." I tried it out on my girlfriend, to which she promptly stuck a broom up my ass, and forced me to sweep the kitchen floor.
  Snob: Oh well there's your problem; you gotta pay them before you call them a "hot-pussied little whore"!
  Fan: P.S. Giovanni Lombardo Radice is awesome!
  Snob: That he is, my friend. After all, he was in Gangs of New York, and that was a Martin Scorsese film.
• "This movie even comes with subtitles! Proper subtitles, rather; so I can't add in my smart-ass fake ones. Pah!"
  Subtitle: 'Bugger!'
• "Okay gentlemen, you can finish filming your Sacha Baron Cohen film later. This movie has places to go, and fast!"
• Fresh Campbell's Coca-Cola soup!
• "Oh I fucking knew it! I knew the soundtrack was written by a cat on a piano!"
  • [later] "Maybe if the producer would stop playing his Colecovision, something could get done!"
• Snob meets the 'Anthropophagus':
  Snob: "He looks like if Gallagher turned into one of his watermelons, and then smashed himself!"
• "Joe D'Amato! The Ed Gein of filmmakers!"
• In response to the killer's death:
  Snob: "Enh, sorry... all out of Bubble-Tape."
• "I just ate a fucking fetus!"
  • The scene where he does so too. "I think it's expired..."

The Gestapo's Last Orgy

The Helter-Skelter Murders

• Snob actually manages to make Charles Manson (the actual Charles Manson) seem funny by splicing in courtroom footage at random points throughout the review.
• "After a montage of all the studios that turned this movie down..."
• The return of The Tormentors's Messiah, reading from "The Book of Mungo Jerry"
  The Messiah: As it says in the "The Book of Mungo Jerry" "If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal. If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel." That's right my brothers, it's okay to molest the poor ladies! "Speed along the lane, do a ton or a ton and twenty-five," (closes book and drops his pants) Now start suckin!
  Snob: Seriously?! Do they have to play in my fucking backyard!?
  

Giallo a Venezia

Guyana: Cult of the Damned

• The entirety of the skit about some (tortured) kids from the cult meeting up as adults.
• Brad's delivery of this line makes it hilarious:
  Snob: Is it time to get sleazy again? Ho, ho! I can already smell the dick sweat.
• The scene where two male cult members are ordered to have sex.
  Snob: I hope his ass likes classic television, 'cause that guy's gonna M*A*S*H it!"
  • There's also the most perfectly timed The Kentucky Fried Movie gag of all time.

Rape Squad

• Jillian: The last time I trusted a hockey player, I got a miniature Zamboni shoved up my ass.
  Snob: "What?!"
• Snob: You know, there's probably an easier way to pick Kane Hodder out of a lineup.
• The beginning discussion of Moment By Moment:
  Gravelly Voice Narrator: Rape Squad!
  Snob: ...the fuck?
  Jillian: This does NOT look like John Travolta and Lily Tomlin are about to have sex...
  Snob: Well... thank God... but seriously: the fuck?
• Once the film starts, Jillian thinks that it's a Snuff Film, and Brad just replies that it's in "Alternate Title Vision".
  Jillian: But why do you still refer to it Rape Squad when the title there is Act of Vengeance?
  Snob: Don't you think Rape Squad is the more memorable title?
• This bit:
  Jillian: It's Valentine's Day! Why would they possibly think Rape Squad is a higher priority?
  Snob: Have you seen my high priorities list in the last five years? We're lucky they didn't send us an actual rape squad.
• Cinema Snob shares the male pain.
• When Jillian calls the ending of the movie "abrupt", the Snob breaks out the obvious Running Gag:
  Snob: You think THAT'S abrupt? That's not abrupt. THIS is abrupt:
  Character: [Snob's voice] One day I'm gonna get that filthy rapist!
  [Hard Cut to "The End" screen]

Ninja Terminator

• "Luckily they don't do that anymore!" Cue 'Ninja the Mission Force' trailer...

Terror of Tiny Town

• All his complaints about them using a regular sized set.
• After seeing a minor character sing in a rather deep voice:
  "What the Hell was that? I thought I was the shortest person with a sexy voice."
• "I may not know the characters' names, but judging by what they're riding on, they look like they're at least Bronies!"
  • Funnier in that his wife Jillian is a Brony; she wears a Pinkie Pie shirt during an episode of Brad Tries.
• The Snob replacing the music playing during the fist fight between The Hero and The Villain with music from the Rudy Larriva-directed Road Runner cartoons.
• "It's like if Yojimbo was about cows... and really fucking stupid."

The Last House on the Left

• His increasingly irritated reactions to the jumbling of tones in the movie, particularly the shenanigans the two cops keep getting into.
• After witnessing a scene cut from the kidnappers threatening to girls with death, to one of the girls' parents baking a cake to a happy tune:
  Cinema Snob: What the fuck is this?
• "The next time someone gives me bad news, I'm going to react with madcap comedy!" Then Jillian walks into the room and tells him that her great-grandma died. The Snob's response? Dance on his front porch completely naked while the goofy kazoo music from the film plays. He even pulls a cigarette out of his ass and begins to smoke it!
• Him being left nearly speechless after learning Roger Ebert gave the film 3 1/2 stars.

Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment

• The Snob calls in a cop to take a look at the film. At first you think he's reenacting how Charlie Sheen mistook one of the Guinea Pig films for a legitimate Snuff Film... then you find out he called in the cops because he thinks it's the laziest filmmaking he's ever seen.
• In one scene, the woman is getting tortured by having some form of horrid, ear-scaring, ungodly painfull noice played in her headset. What does the Snob say it is? Behold.

Gums

• Porno spoof Quint is a Nazi!
• A bizarre scene with Hooper talking to... a dog. The Snob even compares it to Nukie.
• "That's not salt water, but it's about to be."

Mother's Day (2010)

• Snob's fanboying of Rebecca De Mornay and how he believes its a remake of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle instead of Mother's Day.
• His sinister and somewhat happy laugh after the scene of the guy who forcibly had boiling hot water poured water in his ears shoots his girlfriend by mistake, thinking she was one of the bad guys after she walks up behind him while he's holding the gun.

Sleepaway Camp

• He's in full Snob mode in this review, dripping with sarcasm when it comes to his opinion on films like this. "A Nightmare on Elm Street and Black Christmas? Totally the same movie."
• "Muppet Babies I can understand, but Jersey Shore Babies? Something bad needs to happen to them so we can set things right in the future!"
• He has a lot to say about the mother's acting:
  • "Joan Crawford's tampon doesn't overact this much!"
  • "She's a doctor?! There's such a thing as too much bedside manner. 'CANCER! YAY!!!'"
• The pedophile's introduction.
  Artie: Back where I come from, we called 'em "Baldies."
  Snob: "Baldies?" They've got plenty of hair on top...I mean, maybe not down - oh, fuck me, he's a diddler.
• His overall commenting on how homoerotic the movie is.
  Snob: Into the steaming hot water, boys! This lake isn't gonna salt itself!
• After Kenny's body is discovered, when Mel says he has to inform the boy's parents.
  Snob: YOU ARE SUED! SO FUCKING SUED!
• When the police rule Kenny's death an accidental drowning, one of the counselors is suspicious.
  Counselor: "I remember that boy being a pretty damn good swimmer."
  Snob: "Case closed. Good swimmers never ever drown. It has to be murder."
  • Later, when Billy is stung to death by bees while locked in a bathroom stall.
  Snob: (Imitating the counselor from earlier) "I remember that boy being a pretty damn good beekeeper."
• When Ricky starts yelling a long string of profanity at a group of boys: "For a second I thought he was going too far, but then he added the word "freakin", possibly because he ran out of all the other words."
  • It's even funnier if you watch the uncut movie itself and you realize that Ricky's string of profanity is actually even longer than the Snob review made it look
• "Friday the 13th got its action over with before the kids even showed up. This one puts the kids in the movie, then fucking kills them! All while being incredibly sleazy."
• "That stare...at least it will haunt ET's vagina right the fuck out of my nightmares."
• "...that's a dick."

They Saved Hitler's Brain

• (The Professor is narrating over a picture of an elephant dying)
  Professor: G-Gas killed humans in the same manner as DDT kills flies.
  Snob: Why is that elephant talking to me?
• Snob reacts to a bizarre silhouette:
  Snob: *blink blink* What the fuck?
  [The silhouette turns out to be two Nazi officers]
  Snob: Y'know, it's a movie called 'They Saved Hitler's Brain'; it wasn't so preposterous of me to think that was a three-armed, three-legged Nazi!
• Steve Day:
  Day: You killed my son!
  Snob: You Klingon bastard!
• The chase scenes being set to music from The Blues Brothers.
• After Hitler's head is taken out:
  Snob: "Horseshit! Everyone knows that Hitler was killed when he was shot 100 times in the face by Eli Roth. And what is with these severed heads never giving a shit whenever they're set on fire? Completely unrealistic!"

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers

• Previously on… Sleepaway Camp!
  *footage of Lloyd licking himself with Quest For the Mighty Sword music playing*
  Snob: That's a dick!
• About the total 180 about Angela's character:
  Angela: I used to be shy. I'd never talk to anyone!
  Snob: But that was when I was played by a different actress. Now I'm perky as shit!
• After realizing that most of the characters are named after the Brat Pack:
  Snob: This movie is the worst thing to happen to the Brat Pack next to The '90s.
• "I'll stick to REAL summer camp movies like Stalag 17 thank you very much!"

Faces of Death

• As the cult leader performs a ritual, the Snob recites the Master's entire condemnation speech from Manos: The Hands of Fate.
• The Snob reenacting the electric chair death with Alka-Seltzer, ketchup and a frying pan.
  • And then he proceeds to carry out the rest of the review with ketchup on his face without ever acknowledging it again.
• This bit:
  Dr. Gross: James Earl Ray. Lee Harvey Oswald. Sirhan Sirhan.
  Snob: *with envelope* Yes, I know this one. *opens envelope and unfolds paper* Name three tasteless things to put in a Mondo film.

Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland

• His joke about the film's title: that although many people call it Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, it's really called Sleepaway Camp III: Baba O'Riley.
• This exchange:
  Angela: (to a reporter) Have a nice life.
  Snob: Pfft. (rolls eyes) What's left of it.
  Angela: What's left of it.
  Snob: FUCK YOU!
• After realizing that most of the characters are named after The Brady Bunch, (much like how the first sequel references the Brat Pack):
  Snob: You're going from the Brat Pack to the Brady Bunch? That's like going from the Rat Pack to an actual pack of rats.
• After gushing over a cute couple the entire movie, whom even Angela think are so adorable that she spares their lives, Snob learns that the girl was pulling the boy around and that she's already has a boyfriend.
  Snob: "Aw-w.[Lost for words]You... You fucking whore!"

Criminally Insane

• "I feel like I've seen this movie several times before."
• "This makes the Moons over My Hammy look like a fruit bowl!"
• "Ethel, what are you doing? You killed your grocery store supplier! Now the only person to give you food is this guy *shows Ronald McDonald* and he might rape your children!"
• Ethel: My heart's just fine, as long as my stomach's not empty.
  Snob: I still can't believe that old Hardee's slogan worked!
• Snob: "You know, it is weird seeing director Nick Philips using stuff like lighting, and shadows, and angles, and actors, and sets, and cameras..."
• On the ending.
  Snob: I never thought I'd say this, but if you want to get rid of the bodies so bad... just eat them!
  (Scene of the detective finding Ethel eating the bodies, followed by The End)
  Snob: Wha, buh, huh... I didn't think that was going to signal the end of the movie!
  

The Erotic Adventures of Dickman and Throbbin

• Opening credits: Director of Photography: B.J. France
  Snob: That's why the production looks so cheap: because the movie was shot by a French blowjob.
  Opening credits: Music by: Hugh Jardon^note "Huge Hard-On" and Mobus Wambly
  Snob: Though admittedly, Hugh Mobus and Jardon Wambly do great music together.
• The "Johnny Wadd Seduction". After Dickman (Johnny Wadd aka John Holmes) gives a Fetish Retardant seduction to the female lead:
  Snob: I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over my swimmers hanging themselves with their own tails.
  Dickman: It's getting so hot that the juices coming out of your pussy can burn a hole right through your panties.
  Snob: That what that fucking hole on my couch is? I thought Flaming Brian just farted on it!
• (After Dickman and Throbbin' have sex with a customer's daughter)
  Mother: Well gentlemen, how did it go last night? How is my daughter?
  Snob: (as Dickman) I stuck an 18-inch cock up your daughter's ass, because that's what you wanted, for some horrific reason!
• The loser husband pays off Dickman and Throbbin with four thousand dollars he just happens to have on him.
  Snob: Why do you have that much on you?! What are you gonna say when Fat Joey the bookie turns up at your door, looking for his money?!
• Snob: If I want superheroes and impotency, I'll stick with the Watchmen, thank you very much!

Goldengirl

• The timing of the movie's setting:
  Goldeen: At the risk of sounding conceited... I didn't come to Moscow to lose!
  Snob: Wait, this movie was made in 1979... she's training for the '80 Olympics! Oh, honey, heh, you're not going to Moscow to lose; you're not going to Moscow at all! We boycotted that shit! BOOM!
• Cinema Snob recalling his review on Animalympics, with a angry fan being offended about the "furry" insult.
  Letter: Dear Cinema Snob, I am deeply offended by your recent—
  Snob: IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE!
• The shady reporter stating he's going to expose them all... with the help of Doctor Who!
  Snob: Doctor Who?! What?! I... uhh... Fuck! I don't watch Doctor Who! I... mmmn... I dunno what joke to make! [grabs his cellphone] Hang on, hang on, hang on, I think I know someone who can help me...
  Linkara: [On his cellphone] Yello?
  Snob: Yeah, I'm watching this awesome movie from 1979 called Golden Girl about a female athlete who's been injected with a performance enhancer by her shady German father!
  Linkara: Well, of course you are.
  Snob: This nosy reporter showed up saying he was going to expose all of them because he knows Doctor Who. [Beat] What do I say to that?!
  Linkara: Ah! Don't worry, I know what to do here. Let's see now, uh... 1979, that would be the, uh, Fourth Doctor, Tom Baker. What you're gonna want to say is, "Clearly, he's going to find out that she's been installed with a Randomiser in order to evade the Black Guardian!"
  Snob: Got it. Thanks. [hangs up; repeats Linkara word-for-word] The hell does that mean!?

Sodom and Gomorrah: The Last Seven Days

• "Why make your porno film a costume drama, when they're just going to lose the costumes?"
• The Snob finds an opportune reference spot.
  Lot: The morning sun will bring us new hope.
  Snob: And it will vanquish the horrible night.
• His reactions to Priscilla Alden from Criminally Insane being in the movie.
  Random Villager: Let it be me! Let it be me!
  Priscilla Alden: *sinisterly* Let it be me.
  Snob: No. No. Please God, I don't want that!
• "This movie is just like Caligula, but without the...This movie is just like Caligula."
• His reaction to the space monkey that sounds like John Wayne deciding to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah because "they're a bunch of liberal assholes":
  Snob: Okay, I'm pretty sure THAT'S not in The Bible. That's just what Rush Limbaugh THINKS is in the Bible!

Gross Out

• The Wheezer family's mother's butler opens the door... revealing it's a man in Black Face. The Snob suddenly recoils in shock.
  • Later, when the family is eating at an outdoor restaurant and they look off-screen to "find" Rochester (the butler).
  "Aww, why isn't Rochester in the same frame as you? It's like you don't want him to be seen in that outdoor restaurant location you're in."
  • Followed by this reference to a little project the Snob has been working on.
  "Good God! You're drunk! And shockingly racist! AND you're in blackface!"
• "Come to think of it, horseshit was probably the only shit they didn't shoot." Cue Mama Wheezer vomiting up a turd.
  Snob: ...And then that fucking happened.
• During the prolonged shitting scene, the Snob gets out a chocolate bar and proceeds to eat it gingerly without a care in the world. Then Lloyd jumps up on his lap.
  • Lloyd and Chloe later make a return appearance in the middle of another shit scene.
• "Of all the Warner Bros. Censored Eleven, this one is by far the worst."
• After a toilet explodes on a person, showering him in shit: "There are so many poo jokes in this movie, I might as well be watching The Smurfs 2!"
• Snob becoming so sickened by the bad acting that he pukes into a bowl, and then asks for Lloyd to come back.
• His repeated pleas for viewers to turn the video off because of how unsettling the content is.
• When the Wheezers have "won" at the end.
  Snob: Oh yay, I'm so happy these three unlikable douchebags got their 28 million. I look forward to their reality show in the E! network.

Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor

• He starts the review of Sleepaway Camp IV by saying it's an incomplete movie. "Nothing bad can come out of this, right?" (cue screencap of the Grizzly II page on the Snob site...)
• When the opening scroll explains how Allison was the only survivor of all the previous Sleepaway Camp movies: "Wait... There weren't any survivors of all the movies. Except for Angela... ARGH! FUCK IT! ALLISON IS ANGELA!"
• Regarding the subtitle, he plays "Eye of the Tiger" over a murder scene.
• "Cause we all know Stock Footage movies are great!" "GARBAGE DAY!"
• Given it's a Clip Show to criticize how the movie itself is basically one. With increasingly worse "hooks" to segue into old Snob clips...

The Beast (La Bête)

• Once a woman masturbating on a bedknob is directly followed by her releasing two kids from the closet:
  Snob: [awkward laugh] This was done in one shot, too. So I'm picturing the director saying: "Wait for your cue, kids. Dear god, wait for your cue."

Los Porno Sin Son

• All the references to The Simpsons he manages to get out. The best one is also a Call-Back to one of his old "Brad Tries" episodes.
  Snob: (Pulls out a can of Billy Beer happy) BILLY BEER! (starts chugging it down)
• Brad does a pretty damn good Homer impression.
• "Is anyone else wondering where Maggie is in all this? Why do I get the feeling she died hours ago?!"

The Mutilator

• His reaction to the ripoff of the Jaws theme:
  Snob: Yes, I know the characters aren't in the water, but we can't rule out Sharktopus!
• When one of the women in the film asks about what the giant hook in her hand does.
  Snob: Hehhehheh, oh don't worry, you'll find out later...
• This line:
  Snob: Ladies, please, there's no situation that can't be solved with my penis.

Karate Girl

• The Snob tackles early on that this is the movie best known for having the "Worst Movie Death Scene Ever"
  Snob: [mesmerized after watching the scene] Fascinating.
• The Snob discovers that one of the movie's other titles is... Golden Girl. He grins and steeples his fingers.
  Snob: Heheheh, I'm happy now!
• The two scenes of the protagonist being assaulted getting interrupted by the comedic scenes from The Last House on the Left. Except for the last interruption, which is Allison Pregler as Radu. The Snob is understandably confused. (A bit of meta-funny: Brad specifically put that bit in to screw with the audience.)
• This bit of Black Comedy when the protagonist overcomes her muteness after watching her father's dead body:
  Snob: See? It all works out! You didn't need the $6000, you just needed to kill your dad!
• The man who helps the protagonist's beard suddenly disappears from one scene to the other.
  Snob: Unless his beard was one of the rapists, there's no reason it should have left the movie!
• Turns out there's many more scenes of the caliber of the "Worst Movie Death Scene Ever" in the film.
  Snob: [fake-crying after the man who helps the protagonist dies overmelodramatically] I hate it when acting dies.
• The reveal that the character who gets shot in the viral video wore a really silly wig and glasses moments before the scene.
  Snob: Bruce Wayne, why you dress up like a rapist?
• After the last villain is killed:
  Snob: Then everyone rushes in to pee on him.

Hack-O-Lantern

• The film gives the Snob (in his own words) "too much material". Highlights include:
  • "This movie, to put in Best Worst Movie terms, is "holy fucking shit" bad!
  • "I think the theme music is humming along to the theme to Kickassia."
    • Made even funnier by him then wondering whether Kickassia was a movie In-Universe and if he should know, in continuity, what the theme sounded like.
    • And due to the fact that his costume for the video basically amounts to Brad, in his usual attire, doing the Snob voice, this bit of meta-confusion gains another level of hilarity.
  • "This movie's sorta like Troll 2, only more...this movie's just like Troll 2."
  • "Is this a cult worshiping Al Borland?!"
  • "Hey guy, guess what? The cast of Woodchipper Massacre is laughing at you."
• On Tommy:
  • "Nothing going to stop him from going the full Eric Freeman."
  • "Do not bother him while he's going full Eddie and the Cruisers"
  • Uh oh, Bruce Springsteen looks pissed about something. Looks like his sister Pamela got caught with one of the counselors!
  • "He's gonna go all Martin Cove on their asses."
• Grandpa's various creepy affectations, over the top performance and pedophilia subtext of Hy Pyke's performance basically makes the guy a goldmine for the Snob.
• Upon mishearing the family's surname as Grindel, the Snob mutters, "Grindel?" Cut to Grindel the troll's introduction from Troll 3 (a.k.a. Lloyd's theme music).
• During the scene where the father confronts Grandpa in the barn:
  Snob: This makes dad so mad, he begins to poke Grandpa right in Steven Seagal's beads.

The Devil with Hitler

• Sukiyaki, a horrible Japanese stereotype stand-in for Tojo, is introduced. After a moment, the Snob gets up from his chair, walks over to a mirror, and starts snarling, "Don't you laugh... Don't you fucking laugh..."
• "I don't wanna talk about Hitler! The dude's an asshole!"

Violent Shit 4. 0

• "I can't find anything [on Axe], so I'm gonna guess that Karl the Butcher is gonna kick the shit out of Joan Crawford!"
• "Was the special effects guy sick that day or is ripping a dick off easier than I think it is?" Snob finds out it's the latter.
  • The best part being the Snob standing in front of the sleeping Jared looking INCREDIBLY pensive before going through with it.
• Snob asks the film's score to change into something less repetitive. The music then switches to the soundtrack from the Friday the 13th NES game.
• "Wonder Suck Powers activate!"
• "I've seen Violent Shit, I know how the soundtrack should sound like!" Cue the fight scene scored with "Red Red Wine".

Turkish Casper

• His reading of a "horribly Google Translated" Turkish summary of the movie, capped off with an "Oh, now I get it!"
• "This is my least favorite Sacha Baron Cohen character ever. He's not running any jokes into the ground at all!"

Son of Sleepaway Camp

• Snob introduces the movie as Memorial Valley Massacre, before he sees that it's billed as Son of Sleepaway Camp in the opening credits:
  Snob: [yelling] What the f— [cut to Snob intro]
• "Josh Hadley? What'd they put him in for, he's not gonna like it!"

Silent Night Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!

• "She's dreaming of Eric Freeman tossing vegetables into a frog's mouth."
• "This is Bill Moseley's weirdest performance. He hasn't said fuck, titty-fuck, or cocksucker once!"