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Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
- The intro with Snob watching Brad on a news report (see the MAGfest vlog about him getting back home to get the context).
- "As you can see, Universal decided to blow up the world instead of releasing the movie."
- All of the Actor Allusion jokes.
- When old Sgt. Pepper drops dead: "Oh thank God, short movie!"
- Snob inserting Apu's rendition of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" while Billy's brother Dougie introduces the band.
- "What the fuck, Sexbots? Initiate rimjob sequence at once!"
- Rescoring the PG-rated orgy with the notorious boat ride poem from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory ("There's no earthly way of knowing...").
- And before that, when the record producer spiked Billy's drink:
- "I only sleep on vinyl water beds, it has much warmer feeling, thank you very much!"
- "Hmm, the white people version of Trapped in the Closet is lame-er."
- "I just witnessed Barry Gibb get in a fistfight with Alice Cooper. Maybe this time it's true. Maybe now I have seen everything."
- Snob is understandably confused when Strawberry Fields is sung... by a character named Strawberry Fields.Snob: "Let me take you down because I'm going to me?" It's a really roundabout way of asking him to go down on her!
- About the balloon's registration number: N12E9RSnob: By the way, if you can take your glasses off, it looks like the balloon is saying something incredibly racist!
- Snob notes that the last musical act the main characters have to confront are "Future Villain Band" (Aerosmith), and how Aerosmith's cover of "Come Together" (alongside Earth, Wind & Fire's cover of "Got To Get You Into My Life") were the movie's Breakaway Pop Hits.Snob as Steven Tyler: [as Billy Shears fights Tyler's character] Dude, do you mind? We're singing the only song in the movie that still gets radio play!
- The Snob made a Running Gag through the episode about how Billy is pretty much useless, so when he manages to defeat Steven Tyler's character (and even then it's because Strawberry Fields pushed him), he says that it's his opportunity to "show some confidence, save the girl!"... only for Strawberry Fields to fall to her death. His reaction could very well be Brad Corpsing:Snob: [laughing] Oh my god, this movie sucks!
- It's safe to say that the ending of the Magical Weather Vane in honor of Sgt. Pepper coming to life (as Billy Preston), catching a suicidal Billy who had just jumped with a magical lightning bolt and restoring Strawberry to life caught the Snob off-guard.Snob: The fuck?!? Billy Preston, what are you doing here?!?
- Snob talking about The Cameo-filled finale.Snob: Ugh, never mind music, I now hate sound.
E.T. XXX: A DreamZone Parody
- Any references to previous E.T. pornos and parodies, including the use of the Disco sequence from Nukie when Ellie and the alien communicate through hand gestures.
- When pointing out other films made by the same director, he highlights "I Want You to Make My Ass Pregnant" and says "So it's directed by a guy who doesn't know how sex works. No wonder he wants to fuck an alien." Then 50 Shades of Grey: An XXX Adaptation gets "Um, okay, Department of Redundancy is located in the Department of Redundancy."
- Brad (as himself) watching a scene of E.T. masturbating.
- Snob's reaction of disgust and tiredness when he plays the sound effect of E.T.'s ejaculation.
- "By the way is this a science lab or Dexter's murder room? You mixed up the Dexters goddamnit!"
- "I hate this scene. They replaced all the cops' dicks with walkie-talkies."
- "Welcome to a new episode of the Cinema Snob, where we look at a Hollywood movie that's so 'What the Fuck', it's radioactive!" "booing and jeers"
- The constant mocking of John Wayne (as Genghis Khan) and Susan Hayward (as a Tartar princess) in roles that were clearly not meant for white people.Snob: They call her Tartar woman not because she is eastern European or northern Asian, but because she's white, like tartar sauce!
- "Temujin wants to claim Susan Hayward's Bortai as his own; but first he needs to search the town for the Avatar and recruit his younger brother, who is turning into The Incredible Hulk! Great. That should have been their first tip-off that this set was radioactive, they're turning into superheroes!"
- He points out the Soundtrack Dissonance with scenes of Temujin trying to rape Bortai.
- "Oh shit, stay inside! They're filming a day-for-night sequence outside and it's very dangerous!"
- The #feminist hashtags when Genghis does or says something sexist.Jamuga: There's no limit to her perfidy.Temujin: She is a woman, Jamuga.Snob: #feministHunlun: It is an omen my son.Temujin: What's woman's talk is this, my mother!?Snob: #superfeministSnob: #superduperfeminist
- "See, there you go, a very nice romantic scene showcasing John Wayne for the very charismatic actor that he is!" John Wayne then slaps Susan Hayward. Cue Snob's silence and awkwardness.
- "What is this, Bollywood Indiana Jones now? Only if that were the case, this would make half the movie's length."
- This:Shaman: I would speak further, but..Snob: ...but, I've suddenly forgot how to speak Engrish!
- Near the middle, Snob describes the camp of yurts as a village of erect nipples.
- "Great, the script just went from broken English to pure Word Salad!"
- Snob's astonishment that Steven Segal was the choice for Genghis Khan in a project in the 90's. Then his utter annoyance that the movie never came to fruition."People in my line of work needed that film to happen! Goddamnit!"
- The Snob initially making fun of the film's tagline dealing with the respective ages of the lead couple and how "it's the love every parent fears". By the end of the review, the film's tagline is awfully appropriate, but not for the right reason.
- The Snob's ever-growing horror from the constant moral dissonance of the film, which makes the teen romance seem more like a thriller. Some examples:
- The mother apparently lusting after her daughter's boyfriend (right after the Snob making a The Graduate joke, no less).
- The mother who actually watches her underage daughter have sex with her boyfriend, and proceeds to write about it.
- The Moral Myopia of the male lead, who doesn't think he did anything wrong when he burned his girlfriend's house down. Oh, and actively resulted in the girlfriend's father being hit by a car. No, really.
- The Unfortunate Implications of the Near-Rape Experience between the male and female leads late in the film.
- After a while, the Snob just starts inserting music from thrillers and slasher movies because it fits the tone of the movie better.
- The mother apparently lusting after her daughter's boyfriend (right after the Snob making a The Graduate joke, no less).
- Making fun of the credit sequence, which repeats the words "Endless Love" over and over."Darn it, the cat's on the copy/paste button again...you get off that keyboard, Lloyd."
- The Snob's ominous statement at the end, where he says he's going to see the remake of Endless Love, which is coming out in theaters the following weekend.
- Which, as it happens, did not go down well for poor Brad.
- When Snob says that he has been cooped up in the last 7 years, he states that his flu "sort of began like this". Cue Snob (or Brad) being naked with only his All-Stars in the snow and falling sideways towards it and shivering with the massive cold.
- His utterly flabbergasted reaction to the killer's identity.
- Brad sees a guy wearing a shirt with the word "FIRST" on it. "Nice shirt. Now I definitely want him to die for being the first person to ever call out FIRST! Sorry, he beat you all to it."
- Snob's continued bewilderment on how the film keeps adding in more soap-opera elements (such as a character desperately asking for help because it's their last shot leading to him to question whether it's a slasher film or an inspiring sports comeback film or another scene where an injured gymnast tells a friend that they have to win for both of them, saying none of them are going to win Oscars for this movie).
- A past clip where Brad describes the movie as "just two people fucking in front of a Nazi flag".
- Playing the theme for Heil Honey, I'm Home over the title card.
- The Running Gag of cutting back to the waiting room, complete with muzak.
- The Snob's enthusiasm for the Excuse Plot.
- The My Mother The Car Vlogs.
- Brad sums up Chevy Chase's involvement in the movie by showing the movie's trailer, in which Chase asks, "Is there any money in it for me?"
- Also, the fact that Chase himself is the only actor who is consistently funny BECAUSE he doesn't give a shit.
- When Brad complains about Mason's performance as he's being driven to the country club, he delivers the word "schtick" with the intensity of an upper-echelon swear.Snob: What the fuck are you saying?! I'm sorry; I don't speak schtick!
- His definition of Mason's term, "fonzanoon."Mason: A fonzanoon is a person who farts in the bathtub and bites the bubbles.Snob: [Grinning] That's Yiddish [Smile disappears] for nothing.
- "He's a straight-up magician!"
- The "slave auction" in the country club.Oh, man; I bet this game is really going to offend the black members of this country club...
- "And by the way, that is hardly the most painful water slide in existence..." Cue footage of Jake riding the Ass Bleeder.
- All the jokes about the gratuitous sound effects qualify, but one stands out.(A fart sound is heard.)Chandler: Your horse has quite a gas problem.Jack: It's not the horse.Snob: Then clearly you have a problem because you just shit your pants!
(After a scene involving Jack being positioned with cracks and creeks being heard)Snob: (laughs) I'm glad they put those sound effects in, otherwise this scene would have sucked! [He then gags with a fart sound, scratches his groin with a squeeze toy sound, and sticks his finger in his ear and scratches with a train sound.]
- Also, this:
- "Hopefully they end the scene with a good joke." They don't.Ty: You're not being the ball. Be the ball!Jack: Do me a favor; why don't you be the ball? If I wanted to be a piece of sports equipment then I'd be a lady's bicycle seat.Snob: [Removes his glasses and rubs his eyes out of exhaustion and rage, before simply looking at the viewer]
- "And that means the country club remains a shithole. Um, Yay?"
- The Snob's ridiculous, over the top laughs at some of the film's worst lines.(Ackroyd's character is hit in the butt with a crossbow bolt)Snob: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA (sudden, explosive fury) God DAMN IT!
- Mason's character performs an extremely overplayed Double Take. Brad's reaction?"Shit, he's forgotten to put on his Krusty the Klown make-up."
Ilsa, The Wicked Warden
- The Snob puts his hands in his pants and starts to loosen his shirt... only for a line to make him give up.It's like Franco is saying "I dare you to spank to my movie!"
- Playing a Caddyshack II song in a jukebox scene.
- The plugging-in products scene.Snob: Achoo! The Cinema Snob: Nudies Rudies and Crudies? What were you doing up my nose and... whoo whoo Hang on a second! (grabs DVD case from pants) Ninja the Mission Force? You're not my penis! What were you doing up my pants?
- The Call-Back to the sound from American Commando 3: Savage Temptation. It's his boner.
- At the IFD Films title card:
- Asian Boxing Champion: (agonized groans) The wine! There must have been something in it!Snob: Ah, the classic Blame Erectile Dysfunction on the Wine excuse.Rose: Not the wine, my nipples.Snob: Well ma'am, there's seriously wrong with your nipples if you can squirt acid out of them!
- Snob: Feeling a little bored while watching your revenge movie? Well, 20cc of 80s will clear that right up!
- Radio:The victim, Mr. Ronald Chung, was in a satisfactory condition after the attack, having been stabbed and knocked over by a car. It is thought that the attacker is the same person that attacked the boxing champion in the Charlotte Hotel recently. Now for some music. (music plays)
Rose: What's all that?
- Trans Europe Express plays while a man in denim entersSnob: Well I'm glad the movie knows who that guy is, because I sure as hell don't.
- The Running Gag regarding a very Asian man supposedly named Larry.
- Another Running Gag with music stings.
- Snob wonders about Denim Guy:Rose's Twin: He's not responsible, he's just a retard.Snob: Uh, you know he can hear you, right? Don't worry, I sure they'll handle this in a totally dignified way!
Denim Guy blubbers incoherently
- Complaining about how the movie treats the rape-revenge plot the worst way possible.Snob: That's like leaving the theater for I Spit on Your Grave and saying to yourself, "Gee, you know what this movie could've used? NINJAS!"
- The review was released just after a certain sitcom had ended, as noted when the Snob comments on the film's abrupt ending.
- "I'm sure this movie tackles the subject of black love with plenty of dignity and... (credits show "John Q. Black Production") John Q. Black? What the fuck?! Even Truck Turner would say that name's bullshit."
- His summing up of his and others' reviews of Nymphomaniac consists of farting and then waving the hand upwards and smelling the fart with pleasure.
- Any time the Snob comments on the incredibly bored-sounding, Captain Obvious narrator.Narrator: This married man employs a wide varieties of techniques.Snob!Narrator: Especially missionary, missionary, and missionary.Snob!Narrator: Black Love spins you right round baby right round like a record.Snob!Narrator: Laugh at my exhibit, why don't you. And I will send you straight to Hell.Snob!Narrator: Now we observe them hangin' out, hangin' out. Hangin' out with their family, having themselves a party.Snob!Narrator: We now witness black people dancing naked. They do it in my dreams, so that means they do it in real life.
- Snob: The twist of the movie is that chocolate love can also taste very vanilla!
- Snob: It was nice of them to make a documentary telling aliens what black people are.
- "If this is Black Love, then this is White Love." Cut to Bat Pussy.Buddy: (drunken) And you got some goddamn washtub there!Sam: (dazed) My pussy in a washtub?
Two of a Kind
- The Snob gives the film's plot, and then WHAT THE F
- "This movie is acting like such a thriller that I'm surprised a cat hasn't been thrown into the shot". Cue exactly that. And a scene of Lloyd.
- Lloyd who proceeds to do nothing but look cute at the camera. Cut back to the Snob, who appears to consider the idea of throwing him, but then remarks "You want to try fucking with Lloyd, 'cause I'm not going to."
- The fact that the Snob actively appreciates and even likes the chemistry between Travolta and Newton-John, but is consistently perplexed by the need for the bizarre plot of the film hinging on their romance.
- And to provide contrast, he then plays the clip from Moment By Moment where Travolta and Tomlin look uncomfortable as hell while lying in bed together.Snob: "Oh no sis, what did we just dooooooo?"
- And to provide contrast, he then plays the clip from Moment By Moment where Travolta and Tomlin look uncomfortable as hell while lying in bed together.
- The Snob's fakeout ending, where Travolta's character takes the bullet for Olivia Newton-John, Then immediately cuts to [[SoundtrackDissonance the theme song playing over a black screen that simply says "The End"]]
Curse of Bigfoot
- Snob's general reaction to the movie, which ranges between boredom ("ZZZZZZZ"), frustration and real anger ("I don't give a FUCK!").
- The Snob's reaction to the...intense lecturer.Lecturer: I wonder, young man, if the ancient griffon was really...invented as you say, by some...demented madman!Snob: Okay, this isn't even a slasher film, but I'm calling it: he's the killer!
- "You know how there are some things in life that are movies? This isn't one of them".
The Geek 2
- The ending sketch, which has Craig playing Undead Nightmare with Sasquatch (voiced by Phelous). Neil comes in and says that Craig has Jumped the Shark. To which Craig said that he has jumped the shark when he got the "50 cameos in the Caligula episode". Neil then shoots Sasquatch.]]
- Keep in mind that one of those cameos was from Phelous himself.
- The part where he speeds up the audio of the girl's moaning, making it sound utterly hilarious.
- Describing the other three scenes of the movie where the Bigfoot porn is, which feature various levels of Fetish Retardant.
- Complaints about how the girl is moaning unconvincingly and the actor is having allergic reactions to the costume.
- "You know what they say: once you go Bigfoot, you go to jail for bestiality."
- The fake alternate title for Twins (1988): Zombi 42: Two Times the Death.
- "Pardon the black box, but I have to cover up her filthy mouth!"
To Catch a Yeti
- Snob's comparison of the movie to Nukie sets the tone.Snob: If Nukie and To Catch a Yeti fucked, I'm pretty sure they'd bring about the Antichrist.
- The Douchey McNitpick letter explaining the difference between a Yeti and a Sasquatch.Snob: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
- After which, he plays about two seconds of the opening before deciding to skip it and get through the movie as quickly as possible.
- Which in and of itself is funny since this particular review was the longest one of "Sasquatch Week" (at 27:46 minutes).
- After which, he plays about two seconds of the opening before deciding to skip it and get through the movie as quickly as possible.
- Snob's comparison of the Yeti creature to a mix between the rat-monkey from Dead Alive and a Furby.
- Snob's reaction to the name the girl gave to the creature: Hank!Snob: (incredulous) Hank? (accepting) Hank. (annoyed) Hank. (enraged) HANK!
- "Since the character in this movie is named Dave, I'm contractually obligated to hate Dave." (Shows picture of Dave Gobble, of Team Snob) "Sorry, Daves!"
- "Dave needs to get to the "I'm not Tim Matheson" convention fast."
- "Great. So, he wanted something that would kill him? What the fuck is wrong with this kid?!"Angelica Sturgeon: Wesley wanted a monster with a horrible temper and a thirst for blood.
- The Snob's growing hatred towards the psychopathic Spoiled Brat character Wesley, complete with the former calling the latter Montana Menendez.
- The Snob making fun of the film's many MANY Contrived Coincidences.Snob: What are the odds? Seriously, WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS!?
- Snob making fun of Meat Loaf's unnecessarily intense performance.
- Snob's reaction to the low, growly tone of the movie's main theme.Snob: It's rare that I hear someone BELCH the movie's theme song!
- "What sort of fucked-up ratings system passes this off as a PG?...If you show this god damned thing to your kids, be prepared for them to never speak to you again. Why don't you just show 'em something more family-friendly, like Basic Instinct 2?"
- During a chase sequence, the little girl tries to get help from a guy in a karate outfit, who the Snob thinks is the Karate Kyle meme.
- Shortly after, the bad guys also come across this guy, who the short goon just kicks in the crotch.Snob: Well, that's the worst episode of Kung Tai Ted ever.
- Shortly after, the bad guys also come across this guy, who the short goon just kicks in the crotch.
- This:Grizzly: I got a deal for you, though. *long pause* You bring me the yeti, and I release your parents.
Snob: That was the original deal!
- The Snob is surprised that Hank wasn't the most annoying character in the film.Snob: Thanks, Wesley.
- "And in case you're wondering if Hank is going to wave goodbye to them, that's the last minute of the movie! ... Seriously."
- "And is that 'Top of the World' playing?!"
- "I hope they get lost and start eating each other. I hear ketchup goes great with Meat Loaf."
Black River Monster
- Snob finds an elderly... person... in the movie similar to Fat Grandma. Of course she and Linkara cameo at the end.Fat Grandma: ...and that's the story on how Fat Grandma helped out an all girls' horsin' ranch. Saddle up sugar! Next time I'll tell you the story on how I slapped Mussolini 'crossed the face for that business he pulled in Albania.Linkara: All I asked you was what time it was. How in the hell did you end up telling me about a 1980 SHOT ON VIDEO MOVIE ABOUT BIGFOOT!?! WHY WOULD I EVER NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT!?! THAT'S NOT EVEN WHAT I COVER!!!Fat Grandma: Not don't you go puttin' the sass in Sasquatch! That's that filthy mouthed Cinema Snob's job!Linkara: YES, IT IS! So why don't you go bother him for a change? Seriously, if I eat another plate of blueberry pancakes, my stomach is gonna open up its own IHOP!Fat Grandma: Mmmm, mmm! Now that sounds good! Creamed crêpes, and strawberry flapjacks topped with blueberry syrup and caramelized onions, stuffed with Miracle Whip and pickled relish! You get on that boy, and don't skip on the hot mustard!Linkara: Gross!Fat Grandma: Quit your talkin' boy. Now lets get to the kitchen and deep fry us some sass!Linkara: WHO ARE YOU?!?Snob/Craig/Brad mouthing "What. The. Fuck."
- The kicker is The Stinger.
- This dialogue:Snob: "Of course he had to stop off at a place called Foodland. And just listen to this music."(Music plays over scene of main character walking and eating)Snob: "That's what a composer does to let any blind audience members know that there's a fat guy onscreen."
- "In case you didn't know that Leroy is the same actor who played his mom, he left some of his old lady makeup on!"
The Legend of Boggy Creek
- So, apparently Travis Crabtree is a sleeper agent? And the Travis Crabtree song is his trigger? And when he hears it, he's compelled to find the nearest homeless person, who just happens to be the Cinema Bum, and beat him to near-death with a golf club? Whatever...Snob: [bemused] Huh... now there's something you don't see every day.
- "Well, there's your Fouke monster — it's a cow."
- As the film's monster is glimpsed through an eerie fog...Snob: [irritably] Oh, God damn it, it's just Trumpy! — Go away, Trumpy! We can't be friends any more!
- "In honor of every mother's favorite holiday, here's a movie about someone who beats her kid!"
- [As Joan signs an autograph] "Avoid the clap, Joan Crawford. Wow!"
- The Running Gag of Snob's Perverse Sexual Lust for Joan.
- He's both completely turned on by Joan one minute, then terrified the next. Including after one scene where Joan just stares at the screen with a crazy look in her eyesSnob: (looks disturbed) ...Marry me?
- This is best exemplified with this quote.
- After Joan breaks up with her boyfriend and declares that she's single, Snob starts to enthusiastically remove his clothes. Then, when the movie moves on to something else, the next shown of Snob is him sitting naked on his chair dumbfounded.
- He's both completely turned on by Joan one minute, then terrified the next. Including after one scene where Joan just stares at the screen with a crazy look in her eyes
- [After Joan forces her way onto the board of directors for Pepsi]Snob: Oh, damn, she's crazy! Now we know who to thank for Pepsi Cucumber!
- [Upon seeing Joan dead in her coffin.]Snob: ...I'm about 40% percent sure she's gonna come alive and start eating the souls of children.
- His utter contempt for the Razzies and the people who vote for them; We might have expected him to run with the 'GARBAGE DAY!!'-esque popularity of the "Nooooooo. Wiiirrreeee! HANGERRRRSSSSSS!" scene, but instead, he hilariously decries the people who turned it into a meme, and shows the scene nearly in full, exposing just how terrifying the scene actually is in-context. Best part: his excited smile turning into a stupefied look of horror.Snob: The shit in my pants just shit their pants!
- He's quite relieved when the scene is over... only to realize that "Oh fuck me, there's more?!" when Crawford then drags Christina into the bathroom to help her scrub the floors.Tina: (softly) Jesus Christ...
Snob: The fuc- right?
- He's quite relieved when the scene is over... only to realize that "Oh fuck me, there's more?!" when Crawford then drags Christina into the bathroom to help her scrub the floors.
- This is quickly followed by Tina handing Joan a drink while she has company over.
- After Godzilla burns Terydactyl and the latter crashes and falls into the water:
- The Snob's increasing anger at Minilla.Snob: I bet the word "retarded" gets insulted when you called it "Minilla".
- The Snob is on top of his music jokes this episode:
- "Wow, they've got all of the monsters here! There's Jurassic Pet, Muzlar, Tokar, and Terry Dactyl!"
- The Bait-and-Switch intro: the most pópular Drive apparently isn't the Ryan Gosling one, but the 1997 one with Marc Dacascos.
- His reaction at the film's title card.
- The Cameo Generator, first bringing a Linkara saying "For this cameo, I'm not wearing pants", and then Diamanda Hagan reading a newspaper.
- Calling a random circus act the "Flying Gaysons".
- "I didn't expect this to be the origin of the store Nuts On Clark!"
Invasion of the Samurai Sluts From Hell!
- "Quite an epic title for a movie that probably should be called Invasion of the Girls Who Shop at a Late-80's Spencer Gifts."
- The movie has an opening text crawl, and the Snob finds a problem in the first line of itNarrator: It was no Occident that they came from the Orient...Snob: ACCIDENT!!
- "Last time I saw a motorboat that big, it ran over Angela's family in Sleepaway Camp."
- "Ma'am, just get a spork. You're at a Panda Express, no one is gonna judge you."
- Cute kitty Lloyd is the Snob's Right-Hand Cat this entire episode, and looks incredibly bored during all of it.
- About Chu N. Ginsberg.Snob: Hey, wait a minute. You're not famed director Wong Kar-wai, you're Adolf Hitler! How did I make that mistake!? Turns out, when you combine Mao Zedong and Hitler, I'm not sure what you get, but they prefer to wear heels in bed!
- The Running Gag in the film, of Tracey Adams Breaking the Fourth Wall to make a snarky comment about the script, is actually kinda funny in itself, but, eventually...Bimbo-san: Woooo, you know the ways of my people white man? aside You know, first they had me sounding like Charlie Chan, and now I sound like Cochise!Snob: All right, allright! Now you're just Snobing yourself! Stop taking jobs away from pretentious-ass critics who like shouting things from their big comfortable chair!
- This exchange:Bimbo-San: It is written�(gong sounds)Bimbo-San: Again with the gong! If Chuck Barris shows up, I'm leaving!Snob: Ah ha ha ha! I got the reference in first this time!
- "I'm not exactly sure who this John T. Bone is, but according to the first picture on Google, it's Elton John! Stick to music, Elton!, I'm sure there's a Disney movie you can score that's just right around the corner, either that or a shitty movie about talking gnomes, regardless, stay out of the porn industry, cause I'll stick with REAL samurai films thank you very much! Films like Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai!" *Beat, then coughs*"
Friday The 13th, Part 3: 3-D
- 3D episode! And Brad does all he can to throw things at the audience.
- The representation of "3D" sound is... speaking through a cone, such as his response to viewer questions about whether there will be a 2D version. "Nope! Nope nope nope nope nope!"
- There's so much 3D Lloyd in the review that his theme music actually gets past the first measure!""Aagh! - snakes on strings?...C'mon...you can come up with a much more adorable animal than that!"
- When the title character mixes up his identities in front of his wife, the Snob suddenly turns into 80's Dan, leading to Brad having an identity crisis of his own.
- The Snob's astounded reaction to John Belushi (as portrayed by Michael Chiklis) waking up from death, snarfing down a doughnut on his body bag and burping.
- This:The Blues Brothers: Elvis? And the Colonel?Snob: Colonel Sanders? The guy from Hell's Bloody Devils? [cue shot of an actual cameo of Colonel Sanders in that movie][cut to a shot of an Elvis Impersonator eating fried chicken with a Colonel Sanders lookalike]Elvis: Live from New York, baby, it's Saturday Night!Snob: Whoa! I was joking when I said Colonel Sanders!
- The Snob's mockery of Belushi's fictional last words: "Breathe for me, Woodward."
- This exchange:Bob Woodward: [looks at picture of Belushi on SNL] Yeah, I remember seeing that on Saturday Night Live.
Brazilian Planet of the Apes
- The intro comparing The Tramps with The Trammps: "'Disco Inferno' is one of the defining songs of the disco era, but they shouldn't do Star Wars spoofs!"
- The Gag Sub has many gems, specially references to "Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off!".
- While trying to find a stupider scene in the Planet of the Apes franchise, the Snob emerges with a scene from Ed.
The Babe Ruth Story
- The continual mockery of how the Dawson Casting makes Ruth look and sound like he's severely mentally-handicapped.Snob: That's what this movie wants you to know about Babe Ruth: that he has an IQ like Forrest Gump, and he breathes sandwiches.
- Snob pointing out how the movie omits Ruth's alcoholism and womanizing, which Snob references back.Snob: How weird is it seeing everyone else drinking in The Babe Ruth Story exept for Babe Ruth!
Unnamed character: [to Ruth] "Look chump, you can always learn something from a woman."
Snob: And then he went out and got 12 prostitutes.
Snob: [regarding Ruth's meeting with his soon-to-be wife Claire] This is Babe's soon-to-be wife Claire, which they completely skip over his first marriage to Helen Woodford, which ended due to numerous infidelities. I can't imagine why they left that part out!
Phil Conrad: [after Ruth retires] "I saw that guy when he broke in, and I saw him when he bowed out."
Snob: "I also saw him knee-deep in Asian prostitutes, enough to build a second Great Wall of China."
Conrad: "I saw him come and I saw him go."
Snob: Yeah, that's what I just said!
- Snob noting the movie's rather hyporcritical stance about smoking.Ruth: "Now kids, I want you all to remember what I said about smoking."
Snob: [imitating Ruth's actor] "It's only bad for you to smoke before dinner, [shows an ad for Chesterfield cigarettes featuring Ruth's actor William Bendix characterized as Ruth] so whip up a bowl of ice cream with sprinkles and top it off with a pack of Chesterfields."
- Snob's reaction to a bellboy who overzealously supports Ruth after he's fined for missing a game.Snob: Well, you still missed a game without telling anyone, but at least Crispin Glover the bellboy is on your side.
Bellboy: "That's tellin' him off, Babe! I'm with ya, Babe, I'm with ya! I'm with ya!"
Snob: And then he blew him.
- The constant Take Thats to Wired, noting that, for all its faults, The Babe Ruth Story at least liked its subject character.
- "According to one newspaper, not only did the Yankees win, but Babe Ruth grew the size of a skyscraper and blew the players out of the park! He was later investigated for steroids."
- Snob's amazement at the fact that the movie somehow decided to spice up the already extraordinary story about Ruth's called shot during the 1932 World Series Ruth by making up a story about him delivering a promise to a Littlest Cancer Patient that he would hit a home run, and not only does Ruth succeed in fulfilling the promise, but also the child is subsequently cured of his cancer.Snob: Okay, sure, [Ruth] made the home run, and the Yankees won 7 to 5, but the real story should be that Babe Ruth cured cancer.
- Snob's recap of the home run is also gangbusters.Claire Ruth: "DON'T. FORGET. JOHNNY!!!"
Snob: [imitating Ruth] "Believe me, I haven't forgotten Johnny! I'm in three bottles deep of Johnny Walker right now as we speak!"
- Snob's recap of the home run is also gangbusters.
- "Sue baseball? That'd be like suing the church!" Cut to the Snob, tempted to make a joke, but ultimately doing the "zip up your lips" gesture.
- Snob insists that the SCTV "Babe Ruth Story" skit is a more accurate biography than the movie.
- From the introduction:Snob: Still, doing a Hercules movie this week does allow me an exclusive sneak preview of Dwayne Johnson as Hercules...(cue clip from episode of The Simpsons)Homer: COME TO HOMERCLES!!!Snob (angrily): Damn it, Brett Ratner, why must you keep disappointing me?
- The movie begins with a explanation of the creation of the universe:Narrator: In the beginning, before creation, there was darkness
Snob!Narrator: And then public access television was born!
Narrator: From the primordial explosion emerged the Fire of Chaos!
Snob!Narrator It's a very small fire, you may need a magnifying glass to see it, but rest assured it's mighty chaotic!
Snob: Wow, these stars are much more impressive then the ones on the credits, why didnt they use these?
Narrator: There came forth a jar, golden and glittering, Pandora's jar.
Snob!Narrator: But don't rub it too hard, for it will release the divine Wishmaster, the god of arseholery.
Snob: (as Pandoras jar shatters) Oh no, how are we gonna tell God we broke his favorite vase while he was on vacation?
Narrator: From the fragments of the jar the planets, and the Solar System were formed.
Snob: Amazing how pottery was invented before the Solar System.
Snob!Narrator: And then we created the Tabernacle from Zardoz! Space travel was almost instantaneous! For the planets were then invented by an element that cannot possibly exist in outer space!
Narrator: And then Earth. And on Earth there was life.
Snob!Narrator: Except for a little place that gods like to call Wyoming. But enough about Earth. We will go to the moon!
Narrator: But the first creations that the mist of creations offered forth were not men they were of the supreme essence, and became gods. They claimed the Moon as their home.
Snob!Narrator: For more, visit lunartruth.com, or watch the film Apollo 18.
- The Running Gag about Hercules (Lou Ferrigno) throwing a bear and a tree into space.""I've been saying for the past year that Gravity would've been much better if it was about a bear."
- Given the villain fights For Science!, plenty of Dr. Insano clips.
- The ending.Snob: Huh, well this is weird. And then their [Hercules and his lover] cardboard cutout ascended into space, where it was mauled by a bear.Snob: Ummm, and then they died?! What the fuck was that explosion about? Is Hercules dead at the end of the film?! WHY THE FUCK DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!
- His "Deception Of A Generation" callback with Minos's robots. "The toys can even talk!" Cue..."Skeletorrrrr, the Marrr-ster of the Uni-verrrrse..."
The Adventures of Hercules II
- Snob gives us a recap of the previous Hercules movie, which he reviewed six days prior to this one.
- Complaining about both excessive infodumps and simple names ("Stone mouth? Well, it resembles a mouth and is made of stone.")
- Before the commercial break, the Snob is attracted by a call of Ladyhawke (Foreshadowing a crossover with Nash's "Here There Be Dragons"), which he describes as his "Man-Bird love sense".
- Despite inviting Spoony for a Dr. Insano cameo, it's "Bastard Film Brain" who appears.
- A certain scene has the dialogue switched with the one for a Godzilla movie, because "it makes as much as sense as the actual one".
- When the film's climatic fight scene takes place with rotoscoped animation:Snob: There sure is a lot of science going on here, and by 'science' I mean 'coloring books'! Why do your own action scene when you can just play the video game adaptation instead?*Cuts back to the fight scene, where Minos suddenly, inexplicably turns into a T-Rex*Snob: WHAT?!?!*Cuts back to the film, where Hercules suddenly, inexplicably turns into King Kong*Snob: WHAT?!?! You know what, fuck it! We've already seen the Mothra twins, so we might as well end the movie with Space King Kong Vs Space Godzilla!
The Lonely Lady
- "There's much worse things than rejection. You could get raped by a motherfucking garden hose!"
- "They cast the one guy who's the same height as Pia Zadora. No, not me, you assholes! I'm 5'7"!"
- The breakdown has the Snob commenting "And then David Cronenberg took over, she turned into a fly and fucked someone's scar tissue!"
Driller: A Sexual Thriller
- Driller sings his first song.Snob: Ah yes, his classic hit, "Billie Jean is not this song"
- About the concert audience's behavior.Snob: Sit your ass down, listen to the song and don't make a fucking sound! What do you think this is, a rock concert!?
- After the concert.Man 1: Hey, you know. He's not bad, for a faggot.
Snob: I said reviews, not angry commenters!Man 2: He's not gay, man!
Man 1: Shit.Man 3: I'd sure like to find out!
The trio leave the setSnob: They soon went home and fucked each other, cause they're totes straight, you see.
- Describing Lousie's house like a MS-DOS game background.
- The Snob's bafflement at the guy in a Nixon Mask who gets way too much screen time.
- "What the hell is going on here? Michael Jackson turns into a werewolf to bring women to his castle and have a snuff film racket in his basement? I only believe part of that story."
- "I haven't been this disappointed since the porno spoof of Beat It; was ninety minutes of a guy jerking off on camera. In fact, I don't think it was a spoof at all. I think it was just some guy who sent me his whack off video. Why the fuck did I watch that five times?!"
- "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch a much sexier video, like Johnny Cash's 'Hurt'!"
42nd Street Forever Vol 3: Exploitation Explosion
- The Running Gag regarding how sexy nurses are unreliable to fix your health."I don't think this movie knows what a nurse is."
- Saying the "Public Domain Theater" episodes marked as Cinema Snob ones in Channel Awesome would still be better than some of the early episodes.
Devil Times Five
- "Never mind calling the movie Devil Times Five, the movie should've been called BASTARDS!
- After a foot hacking scene: "I heard something similar happened to Spoony in one of the annual drives..."
- "I'll stick with Paint Your Wagon, the most realistic movie of the Dollars Trilogy!"
- At the beginning, the Snob decides to discuss Quentin Tarantino's new film that's coming out. And he can't decide whether he's one of those critics that like Tarantino or one of those critics that hate Tarantino or one of those critics who secretly like Tarantino but pretend to hate him because he's so popular. Ultimately he decides that because Brad Jones likes Tarantino, he might as well.
At Long Last Love
- After announcing that he's going to be doing Musical March (in September), Brad explains why he's doing it in September: "I've never done [Musical March] before." As in, at all.
- "I hate to break it to Burt Reynolds, but I think his driver might be Hitler."
- Comparing the G rating to the porn normally reviewed by the Snob.
- "The soothing laughter of Burt Reynolds fixes everything. My 12-inch penis is partly due to Burt Reynolds laughing at its original size."
- The Snob's opinion of Cybill Shepherd's singing.Snob: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! She sounds fine!"
- "If this movie teaches me anything, it's to never be on the other side of a Death Glare from Madeline Kahn."
- "I talked about how At Long Last Love was unfairly maligned by critics in 1975, but has received a minor bit of reevaluation and appraisal over the years... So with that in mind, let's talk about The Apple, where I'll be saying none of those things."
- The Running Gag comparing the movie's 1994 to the real 1994.
- Someone gets a ticket for not wearing the BIM mark. "Makes sense, I remember when I got arrested for not carrying pogs."
- The Snob's shock at how "God" shows up by a flying car, complete with Grease reference.
- "Ah, the 90s...I fucked a lot of carpet and hardwood floors that decade, and I'm not talking about women. WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT?"
- Reacting to The BIM hour.
- "I'll bet this is just like Lilith Fair: in that I didn't go to it."
- "Asshole! Slut! Sorry, wrong movie. You're supposed to shout that at The Oogieloves."
- "Why are we bitching in the kitchen and crying in the bedroom? Well, because you'd rather fuck the refrigerator, obviously."
- After the cop wolf whistles at two cheerleaders in the Dentonville theme song. "They're thirteen and you're a cop."
- When the film's title song drops a line about being 'blinded by science', the Snob remarks he can't hate any song that refers to being blinded by science, holding up a Thomas Dolby LP with a shit-eating grin.
- "'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' is a movie we will not be reviewing tonight."
Can't Stop the Music
- (after seeing a "no ball playing" sign) "There was a lot of ball playing in the theater that I saw this in. What? I bought a box of Whoppers."
- Actor Allusions to Steve Guttenberg's career elsewhere.Jack: Look, if I ever needed to get off on time tonight is the night. I mean... it's practically life or death!
Snob: Ooo, someone's excited for that Police Academy audition.Jack: But the next time you take inventory in here, you'll be counting the albums of Jack Morell! Because I am a composer, not a schlepper salesman!
Snob: And then he went off to build robots.
- The Snob's constant mockery of [Caitlyn] Jenner's "acting."
- His reaction to a scene of Steve Guttenberg and Valerie Perrine cleaning lasagna off of Jenner's crotch.Snob: This movie is fucking unwatchable!
- His reaction to the end of a musical number, featuring the characters standing up on a table, arms and faces outstretched towards the sky.Snob: Who are you people looking at?!
- "YMCA" warrants even the famous choreography from the Snob.
- Snob highlighting the hypocrisy of the filmmakers, who tried to pair off the Camp Gay cast with female love interests to avoid alienating the general public, while simultaneously giving shameless Fanservice to their gay target audience.Snob: It wants to have its cake and bake it too!
- This:Snob: The boys get booked for a milk commercial, which seems cute and innocent enough. I don't know what could possibly go wrong here...
[shows the commercial turning into a huge choreographical number]
Snob: What in the holy mother of all Turkish bath houses?!
- The Running Gag with "Bro Brad and Jake" reaches it climax (pun not intended) in the ending.
- They went into the Village People movie expecting it to be hyper masculine because they heard it had cowboys, Indians, police and firefighters in it. Needless to say, they realize they were wrong by the end."This movie's getting pretty gay, bro!"
- While both Brad and Jake attempt to maintain character the whole time, you can clearly see Jake trying to stop himself from Corpsing while hugging Brad at the end. (the blooper reel shows holding laughter was quite difficult)
- The Stinger, with Bro!Jake making Bro!Brad give him a blowjob.
- They went into the Village People movie expecting it to be hyper masculine because they heard it had cowboys, Indians, police and firefighters in it. Needless to say, they realize they were wrong by the end.
The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke On My Aunt Gertrude
- The Running Gag on how the Long Title is filled with Blatant Lies. Particularly the absence of an aunt Gertrude (once a character vomits, the Snob says the title only fits if the ground is called aunt Gertrude).
- The reaction to the Vanity Plate.This reminds me that I'd rather stick a reel of film to my head than watch this. (Crosses arms) You're not fooling me: This movie has nothing to do with either film or brains.
- The Snob briefly losing his sarcastic edge when he spots a Goldengirl poster in the background of the "video store" set.
- The Snob suggests a more fitting title is "The Fucking Idiot". Another Idiot Ball case later, he changes to "Two Fucking Idiots". By the end of the movie, he says it's hard to rename as "every single character is a fucking idiot".
- Call Backs to the Video Violence episodes (including dissing the first review as "some idiot on the internet seven years ago", and discovering again there's Padding with driving sequences).
- By the end, it's discovered the director did a lot of Parallel Porn Titles... all of whom are the original title plus "erotic". The Snob jokes on a possible Who Wants to be An Erotic Millionaire. Turns out he did that, only it's "Billionaire".
- "Can I go back to doing musicals now? No? Well, shit."
Fun In Balloon Land
- The Snob starts with his head in hands, and goes on a tirade on how "This movie is a lot of 'Nope'.
- The opening musical is enough for the Snob to enter the Despair Event Horizon.
- The ocean scene involves the Ocean King character played by an adult man in a creepy cheap costume, talking to the young boy protagonist wearing golden swimming trunks, which all has a very sketchy vibe. Because of this, the Snob tries repeatedly to talk through the screen to the kid and tell him the make-believe of being underwater is a front for him to be seriously harmed. With that, he gets in this brilliantly dark pun in reference to a real, horrible child-predator serial killer.Snob: Just because his name is Albert Fish, doesn't mean that you're under the sea!
- The Snob points out a confusing shot where the kids run offscreen the the left and then appear in the background on the right side in a jump cut. He takes this to mean the kids can teleport and then has this to say:Snob: Hey, kids, if you can teleport, get the hell out of there!
- His increased annoyance to the enthusiastic narrator at the parade."Oh my God, someone have sex with her so she stops masturbating to the balloons!"
- The way it culminates: "STOP FUCKING THE BALLOONS!!"
- Snob decides to follow the narrator's request for Audience Participation:Narrator: Come on, let's clap. Here comes the band. Come on, clap! That's it! Clap and stamp your feet!Snob: Ugh, fine. (claps and stomps with a stupid grin on his face)Narrator: Every time you see the crowd, you can wave. Oh, up and down, up and down in your chair with Bunny and his friend, come on!Snob: (jumps up and down, waving, with the same stupid grin)Narrator: Come on, they need encouragement. They have a lot of horns to blow. Come on, let's go "toot toot".Snob: (farts)
- "We know who this movie was made for! And they're probably in jail right now!"
- The Snob getting confused at the narrator's use of "gay", as he's genuinely not sure what context it's being used in the second time.
- The Snob having to correct Doctor Loomis on how many times he shot Michael, and the pronunciation of 'Samhain'.
- "This is still my least favorite Dana Carvey and Mike Myers collaboration!"
- The Snob incessantly complaining about how the film emulated then-current slasher film trends rather than being more like the original Halloween, but doing so in a tongue-in-cheek manner that suggests he enjoys the film nonetheless.
- "Crap, I recognise that — It's the chase music from the first Halloween."
- "Wouldn't it be funny if they put her in the ambulance and then just took her back out again?"
Down and Dirty Duck
- "Who didn't expect the tank to sound like Bogart? I've been saying for hours that this movie is a rip off of Casablanca in that they're both things that exist."
- "You know it's become a Cult Classic because after sex people look into their partner's eyes and say, 'You're a good duck'...oh wait NO THEY DON'T! ...yet."
- (authoritatively) "Dirty Duck is about...(despairingly) You know what, smoke a fucking bowl and then watch the movie. It'll be about any god damn thing you want..."
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
- The Running Gag on how the Snob expects the movie to be heavy in comedy, like the series became known towards its end, only to find the film to be quite dark.
- "When does this movie get funny, I wanna complain about how murder isn't funny."
- "Introducing Johnny Depp? This is years before Alice in Wonderland de-introduced Johnny Depp!"
- The Snob solves the film's problem (a black albino and his obviously-black brother fleeing slavery) as follows: "'Are you white?' 'Yes.' 'Do you own this?' 'Yes.' 'Move along.'"
- And then being irritated when Sunshine (the albino) actually uses this... to get past a frail woman who presents no threat at all.
- When seeing the way too similar follow-up to Black Rage by director Chris Robinson: "Does this guy have a fetish of being pursued in swamps by rednecks?"
- The IMDB reviews. In particular one where the commenter named the film the worst ever, despite giving it 2\10 instead of 1. To the point the closing line is "Still, 2 stars out of 10!"
- This exchange at the film's abrupt end.Snob: But the bigger question is do they find the treasure?The film cuts abruptly to a shot of a sunset as the film's theme song starts playingSnob: OOOOHHHHHH, FUCK OFF!!!
Turkish First Blood
- "But this year, I would rather have a Thanksgiving that is sans rape, thank you very much!... That was a weird sentence..."
- The undead rise, prompting the Snob to complain that the zombie craze is spilling even into 80s Turkish movies.
- Not only there is a Gag Sub, but the Snob starts to complain about it.
- I don't know why I always add fake subtitles to these! All it does is just make me mad!
- Ed Glaser only recorded two lines, so the entire conversation between the Snob and him just has him replying "Hello, I'm Ed Glaser" and "It's Kalkavan Video."
- And that's only because Snob ''only sent him the first two lines of his script''- '''those two lines'''.
- The Snob is full of praise for the film's macho lead, culminating in his comment on a Raiders of the Lost Ark style truck stunt: "Screw you, Indiana Jones! See this here? This is just how Cuneyt Arkin gets to work every day."
- The episode opens with a lampshade being hung over the fact that the Snob teased doing this review... back in 2012.
- And then he ultimately admits that this is because he straight up forgot about it. "And after seeing the movie, you'll know why."
- While using IMDB, he discovers that according to the site, the film's star Mark Davis is actually Robert De Niro.
- "In 1994, 'Pulp Friction' should have been the one to take best picture at the AVN Awards!"
- "General Lee" in the credits leads to many jokes regarding the car from The Dukes of Hazzard.
- "If you didn't spend money on those fake tits, you could have sent Foreskin to school!"
- The Running Gag on how it is a Narrow Parody of Forrest Gump. Culminating in the Snob saying "That's all I want to say about that" and frowning after a Beat once he notices what he has just done.
Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation
- The Snob's reaction to Fat Grandma reading a Christmas story about him reviewing the titular movie.
- Regarding how the only connection to the others is the name Ricky: "Well, then Warriors of Virtue is a Child's Play sequel because both have a character named Chucky!"
- Fat Grandma intends to turn on the TV, but instead blows up the entire planet with the push of a button.Linkara: ...what did you just push?[Earth explodes]Fat Grandma: Uh-oh, spaghetti-os!
- Also, this quote. "Fat Grandma just cut herself a big slice of oopsberry pie!"
The Top 10 Cinema Snob Moments Of 2014
- The Snob starts it off by saying that it's time to talk about his favorite subject- himself!