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Funny / The Cinema Snob (2010 episodes)

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    ET The Porno 
  • The closing line:
    Snob: And that was Uwe Boll's adaptation of E.T for the Atari 2600.

    Lady Terminator 

    Nudist Colony of the Dead 
  • The songs from Nudist Colony of the Dead are catchy enough to make him dance naked on his front porch.
  • His remark about the credits listing a guy as having "written and rewritten" the script:
    Snob: Of course once you take a shit, and stick it back up your ass and shit again, it still isn't going to taste good on a cracker.
  • Looking up from the paper and singing "God's gonna show us".

    Death Bed: The Bed That Eats 

    The Body Shop 
Wait, I'm sorry, is this movie supposed to be the fucking origin story of The Powerpuff Girls? I forgot that Professor Utonium used sugar, spice, everything nice and fucking severed body parts!

    The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine 

    Death Nurse 2 
"Why haven't more movies done that? Why didn't Halloween just divide itself in half and then draw out it's segments by inserting footage from Scream Blacula Scream? Oh wait, I know why, it's because John Carpenter isn't fucking retarded!

    The Astro-Zombies 

    Beaver and Buttface 
  • His reactions to the aforementioned duo:
    • "It looks like a pair of escaped child molesters crashed the set of Clutch Cargo!"
    • "I can't have that nightmare swimming around in my head like it's trying to win a gold medal in SYNCHRONIZED BRAIN-FUCKING!!!"
    • At the start, when he has a nightmare of E.T. The Porno, Brad sits up and shouts out "Ich bin der Waffelautomat!"
  • "He was Beavising her Butt-head!"

    Troll 3 (Creepers) 
  • On the film's overcliched, useless law enforcement:
    Snob: How do these fucking nitwit sheriffs keep getting elected? I'm afraid if someone told them that they won the election, they wouldn't believe them!

    Troll 3 (Quest for the Mighty Sword) 
  • Noting how the wizard always brings along his cheery Leitmotif, even when the scenes are supposed to be serious. (for reference, the Snob used that later as Lloyd's theme)

    Bloodsucking Freaks 
  • The Snob wonders how Sardu hired Ralphus:
    Snob: How did that ad read? "Looking for clichéd midget sidekick for diabolical villain. Must get horny at the sight of skull holes. Must love the taste of cornea. Must love Whack-A-Mole." *cut to a shot of one of Sardu's nude slave girls popping out of a box and Ralphus whacking her back down with a stick*
  • The Snob's bogglement at the final scene:
    Snob: [The movie ends] on a shot of one of them eating a fucking sandwich made out of — I'll give you a hint — not a black box! Also it was nice of the detective to provide them with a fucking steel footlong before he passed! Did everyone in the fucking seventies have a hard-on?
  • Any time Creasy the snobby critic is brought up, Snob predictably agrees with everything he says...until he says a confusing series of statements involving Sardu's show. The Snob tries to agree, then finds himself utterly confused. Grabbing a pen and paper, he writes down some notes in an attempt to decipher the meaning behind it, before turning the pad around to reveal that he just wrote, "HE LOST ME."

    Curse Of The Cannibal Confederates 
  • It starts with Brad holding his head in his hands, showing off his new wedding ring, and he says "I made a huge fucking mistake!" Looking down at the ring, he says, "Oh, no, not that, I mean watching Curse of the Cannibal Confederates.
  • In reaction to the characters' weaksauce swearing:
    Snob: Whenever someone curses like that, Kirk Cameron loses one of his glued-on angel wings.
  • "If they wanted the footage to melt any quicker, they should point the camera at the fucking Ark of the Covenant!"

    Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky 

    Video Violence 2 
  • The above moment was given a callback at the start of his review of the sequel.
    Snob: Interesting... I forgot the DVD I had was the limited "Glass Case" edition.
  • The time-travelling Call-Back joke between Current!Snob and Past!Snob.

    Deathrow Gameshow 

    Las Vegas Bloodbath 

    Alien 2: On Earth 

    Ax 'Em 
  • The Snob begins the video by reading a letter from a fan, "Blind in Rikers", who supposedly asked him to review the film, saying that watching the film led her to murder her entire family and pluck her eyes out. The Snob then says that he discovered that the film was released in 2002, and since his cutoff date is 1995, he doesn't have to review it, after which he goes to check his mailbox. There he finds another letter by "Blind in Rikers" saying that she thought he might use the "released in 2002" excuse, but that unfortunately for him the film was actually made in 1992, making it perfectly elegible for review. But what sells it is Snob's reaction to the revelation: Reenacting the "Worst Line Reading Ever" from Tough Guys Don't Dance.
  • The Snob can't believe that the slasher movie begins with a "Yo Momma" contest. And that said contest is Padding.
    [after one too many "Yo momma is so dumb" jokes by a character played by the director]
    Snob: Yo momma is so dumb, her son made Ax 'Em!
  • A character gets "zanied to death".
  • "I'm of the opinion that rap has the power to ruin something as great as Casablanca. So what do you think it does to Ax 'Em?"

    American Commando 3: Savage Temptation 
  • "What? Hairy pits? I had to pay extra for that at my bachelor party!"
  • Also, the Squee! sound and the Snob's expression after he realizes that Pierre Kirby is in this movie.

  • "Thats funny. I thought the 70's cure for nymphomania was just 'more cocaine'"
  • "Any minute now I expect her to just break down and fuck the boom mike!"
  • "What the hell am I looking at here? Was that Zardoz's cock?!"

    Superman: The 1975 Musical 
  • "Even this box cover has more personality than the fucking movie! Is that Superman or Freddie Mercury? I can't tell if this movie is supposed to be taking place in Metropolis or inside Vincent D'Onofrio's head from The Cell!"
  • "What's with this background? It looks like a kindergarden class put on their own production of Dick Tracy!"
  • The Snob's reaction to the chapter breaks:
    Narrator: "Stay tuned for Chapter 2: Merchant of Doom."
    Snob: "Nope!" (Snob gets up and leaves, only to turn around, sit back in his chair and shrug.)
    Snob (To Chapter 3): "This is the chapter where Richard Pryor comes in for comic relief!"
    Narrator: "Will Clark Kent find happiness with a new love? stay tuned for Chapter 6: Clark Kent Finds Happiness!"
    Snob: "Whoa-ho-ho, spoiler alert, movie!"
  • The Snob's response to Lois cheering up a depressed Superman:
    Lois: "What I've always wanted./Just to be a wife, no corny life." note 
    Snob: "Well that's sad, even the background music's given up on this movie."
  • Again, the Snob offers his opinion on the songs of the musical:
    Snob: "Lois gets captured by Dion & the Belmonts, but luckily Loretta Swit is here to sing us a song this time with background music!"
    Sydney: "Someone in this world thinks you're-"
    Snob: "I don't care."
    • The Snob tries flying off his porch. It doesn't work.
      Snob: I am Superman! Ow!
    • Earlier in the film, the gangsters singing along to the theme from The Sopranos.
    • The critic dubs the Adam West Batman (1966) theme over a fight scene done in almost the exact same style...with a little alteration:
      Music: Nanananananananana
      Snob: [Deadpan] Superman...
      Music: Nanananananananana
      Snob: [Deadpan] Superman...
      Music: Nanananananananana
      Snob: [Deadpan] Fucking Superman...
  • "I would call this a total fucking embarrassment, but the one nice thing I can say about it is that at least it doesn't have Jon Cryer in it!"

    Island of Death 

    Hell's Bloody Devils 
  • The Cameo from the real Colonel Sanders. His reaction might be one of the greatest Big "WHAT THE FUCK?!" moments ever recorded.
    Col. Sanders: [walks onscreen]
    Snob: [blink blink blink]
    Col. Sanders: [stands there]
    Snob: [leans forward, squints]
    Col. Sanders: Isn't that the most wonderful chicken you ever ate?
    Snob: [sits back down] ...WHAT THE FUCK!

    Redneck Zombies 
Snob: Naming your movie Redneck Zombies is sorta like naming your movie Transylvanian Vampires... Or Emo Vampires... Or Gay Vampires... [beat] STOP MAKING FUCKING VAMPIRE MOVIES.

    Super Hornio Bros 

    The Expendables 

  • The cameos from the other contributors.
    • Lord Kat's long improv in the gag reel is an Overly Long Gag at its finest.
  • A sudden instance of Brad Tries.
    • Made all the more amusing by the product Brad tries and his reaction to it. It's human blood.
    Brad: It's OK but why does have to be warm?! Why does it have to be heated up?!
    • There's also the random cut-in from The Bruno Mattei Show.
  • The Snob's "comedic breakdown" of the fisting scene.
    Snob: Trivia note: McDowell actually ad-libbed the bit with the flower, and it's kind of amazing watching the gears work in his head as it hits him to do that to this actor. I think it was right [Shows a freeze-frame of McDowell grinning] Yep. That's the look of a man who has the bright idea to stick a flower in a guy's ass.
  • The introduction of 80's Dan.
  • His tone of voice as he says "Is that a fucking snake?!" during one of the scenes he can't show.
  • "Have you given him more wine? What the... I meant a glass of wine! What in Jupiter's name are you doing to this man?!"
  • This exchange:
    Caligula: Gemellus, we are alone. We must love each other.
    Snob: You shall be the first one that I fist.
  • Kung Tai Ted's summation of Caligula's death.
  • The Snob freaking out when the first scene shows a herd of sheep.
  • "I'm really glad these two are happy, but I don't know why! Given that this movie was filmed in The '70s, and that's Malcolm McDowell, I can only assume this sequence is going to end with rape!"
  • "Yes, that's what I want; to have balls delivered to my house by a guy named Longinus!"
  • " don't get mad if I can't show you the hermaphrodite with the penis growing out of her vagina, because apparently, that's how that works!"
  • "What the hell does 'Adapted From An Original Screenplay' supposed to mean?! Adapted from a screenplay that was probably much better than this film?!"
  • After Caligula names his "son" Juila Drusilla:
    Snob: What is this, reverse Sleepaway Camp all of a sudden?
  • Snob syncing up the launching of the Orgy Boat with "We Sail The Ocean Blue" from H.M.S. Pinafore.
  • "I personally find it funny that the writer of the film left, the director of the film left, and the movie was released to audiences who at this point in the movie mostly left."
  • "Unfortunately, you cannot lick something to bring it back to life. Believe me, I know." *starts licking a NES*
  • His response to Caligula mocking the harry nipples of a senator's wife:
    Snob: Since when does anyone in this movie have standards? Hello?! Ass-Stomach Man?!
  • The irony in Brad Jones giving his favorite movie the Snob treatment.
  • He decides to see how many sets of genitals he has to blur from one still shot. Cue the 'coin get!' sound from Super Mario Bros.... and he gets a life.
  • Caligula asks the dying Nerva whether he can see the Goddess Isis. Cue clips from The Secrets of Isis.
    Snob: Wait wait! I see her! She's standing on a cliff! And now she's flying through the air and using her powers against a crooked real estate agent!
  • "Roman basketball. Sodomizing the other player is worth 3 points!"
  • The Snob calls Blip to ask if he can show two lesbians urinating on a corpse. "Why does it matter how long the corpse has been dead?"
  • Bob Guccione made extra money off the movie by doubling the ticket cost in some theaters. "So this film was a hit in the same way some 3D movies consider themselves a hit."
  • Upon finding out one of the actors who played in Salo And The 120 Days Of Sodom is in the movie:
    Snob: Well, as long as we keep feces and the mouths of children away from this guy, we should be fine.
  • The Snob's reaction to the giant head chopping machine.
    Snob: That machine did not exist!

    Violent Shit 
  • "The movie we have today is Violent Shit. Yep, it's literally called Violent Shit. Though I think the context of the title is a little different than they were hoping for. I think they wanted us to leave the theater saying, 'Damn, that was some violent shit!' But instead, we leave saying to ourselves, 'Damn, that was some violent SHIT!'"
  • Him criticizing the film's editing when it comes to cutting between scenes.
    Snob: It's funny when a movie cuts frames out of the MIDDLE of their scenes, but makes up for it, by forgetting to trim a one second cut out of the end of their scenes!
    We then have a very brief shot of a naked Snob sitting in the chair and reading a newspaper before cutting back to the film.
  • He sees the top billed name is "K The Butcher Shitter" and asks "Is he the father of L from Death Note"?
    L: You may not know this, but my father K was a butcher shitter.
    Light: Uh, what?
  • During the end when Karl the Butcher is giving birth:
  • Playing the Looney Tunes theme over a scene to complain about the circle cut.
  • This:
    Drunk: "Listen to this one. I just started at the site... and said: 'Excuse me, can I fuck you?' She says to me: 'No sorry, I'm on my period.' So I say: 'Can I at least fuck you in the ass?' And she says 'Sorry, I have hemorrhoids.' So I tell her 'Now don't even tell me you have a toothache!'"
    The Snob can only reply with a Death Glare.

  • A group of people are investigating an empty building in an explicitly post-apocalyptic setting.
    The Chick: You don't think this setup's weird?
    Male Character: I just think they left in a hurry, that's all.
    Snob: I know. Something must have scared 'em away, like possibly THE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!!!
    • When two characters are looking on a computer to find history:
      Character: You figure out what this place is?
      Snob: I know what type of place this is! IT'S A BUILDING!
    • "[The titular Creepazoid] looks like Alien crossbred with Battlecat. In space, no one can hear you have the power!"

    Super Hornio Bros. 2 
  • The Snob nitpicking about the main characters' names still being wrong. (The Mario character is still "Squeegie", and the Luigi character is still "Ornio")
    Snob: You could've changed their names for the sequel and nobody would have noticed! Well, except for me. I would've noticed, and then I'd have given you shit for changing character names in the middle of the story. So either way, you lose. But at least you'd look less of an idiot for doing it!

    Satan's School for Girls 
  • "He was a dissolve cut all along! [camera pans down] ... and he pooped."
  • The "Ball Buster" commercial.

  • Snob, upon hearing the gravelly voice of the Mayor.
    Snob: God, this guy sounds like Harvey Fierstein's frog!
  • The Snob begins a drinking game for every time the boom mic is visible in frame, which is such a problem that one shot includes the arm and face of the operator. Of course, when it happens that a character onstage at the club is barely audible, the irony is quickly noted.
    Snob: Well, there we have it: a scene where we desperately need a microphone, and it's nowhere in fucking sight!

    The Geek 

  • It's a movie about a woman with a talking vagina.
    "Virginia": Hey, you see the way she looked at me?
    Snob: Oh, so now it's also got EYES? THIS IS TERRIFYING!!
    • And:
      Snob: At least it's better than The Vagina Monologues. [smiles] And that's the first joke I wrote for this review!
  • "Holy shit, a fucking Cylon!"
    • During the production of a movie starring "Virginia":
      Director: Yeah, I want people to know that this is more than the first movie starring a real cunt.[...]This is document.
      Snob: Yeah, and A Serbian Film is a political commentary, you putz!
  • Snob: So you see? The moral of the story is if you have a great title, your movie will get made. No matter how fucking awful the finished product is. [cheerful] Well this really bodes well for my unsold screenplay, Card Shark! "When the casino gets flooded, everyone has a full house. Of sharks."
  • The look on his face as it dawns on him why the movie is called "Chatterbox"...

    Weasels Rip My Flesh 

    Home Sweet Home 
  • The film has a character named—for real—Mistake, who spends the entire film wearing mime makeup.
  • Snob's reaction when Mistake first appears onscreen.
    Snob: "What. The. Shit?"
  • Brad doesn't realize the actor playingthe killer is fitness guru "Body by Jake" Steinfeld.

    Violent Shit II 
  • His reaction when Karl yet again kills a character who has only been on screen for a minute:
    Snob: (deadpan) Nooo, he was my favorite character who had to take a piss in this film!
  • When the killer cuts off someone's head and the girl screams in the most OTT manner:
    Snob: ... Why?

    Zombi 7 (AKA Zombie 90: Extreme Pestilence) 
  • At one point, the Snob theorizes that the only reason this movie has the alternate title Zombi 7 on IMDB was because a fan of his added it in the hopes that he would review it and that months later he will be reviewing "Night of the Seagulls AKA Zombi 8". Sure enough for a while after this episode aired, the IMDB page for Night of the Seagulls DID have the alternate title Zombi 8.
    • His reaction to one of the dub voices. Keep in mind, this was for a young, thin German guy:
      Snob: When you take a look at this doctor, wouldn't you think "voice like a Southern black man"?!
    • His nicknames for the main doctor, including "Doctor L. Jackson" and "Doctor I Speak Jive".
    • His comment on the main characters, who bear striking resemblance to two Channel Awesome contributors:
      Snob: Hmm. Nice to see what Handsome Tom and 8-Bit Mickey were up to during the early nineties.
    • His comment on the fat woman dubbed with a male voice.
      Snob: Now this movie only serves as a warmup to Uwe Boll's Blubberella!
    • "Seriously, were these dub actors on loan from the Godfrey Ho studios?! This doctor is like listening to Chris Rock dub Brit Hume! And the other guy sounds like fucking Clint Howard!"
    • The Snob's reaction to "Special Forces?"
      Snob: You can't say "Special Forces" with that kind of dubbing, because then I'm gonna expect Pierre Kirby and General Karpov to show up! And when they don't, I'm going to be pretty fucking disappointed!
    • His take on how the film would play like subtitled.
      Tall Doctor: Alright. Lets... Lets... Lets go now... Lets separate... now.
      Short Doctor: Oww!! Look at dis! Ewwwwwww!!!

    Silent Night Deadly Night, Part 2 
  • Realizing the meme has been for every holiday except one...
    *Tries to shoot Jerrid, but hits someone across the street*

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