"Just today my mosquito bite spelled out BEWARE!" "...that says BEWARB."
Grunkle Stan showing off the Most Distracting Object in the World. "I can't even remember what I was talking about..."
The whole scene where Grunkle Stan shows off Rock That Looks Like A Face Rock, only to be greeted with the questions of confused tourists that wonder whether it also looks like a rock and whether or not it actually is a face.
Grunkle Stan: And here we have "Rock that looks like a face" rock; the rock that looks like a face. Tourist 1: Does it look like a rock? Grunkle Stan: No, it looks like a face. Tourist 2: Is it a face? Grunkle Stan: It's a rock that looks like a face! For the fifth time, it's not an actual face!
In a panic, Dipper runs up to Wendy and tells her that he needs to borrow the golf cart so he can save Mabel from a zombie. Her reaction?
Wendy: Try not to hit any pedestrians!
Dipper interrupting Jeff the gnome leader's Breaking Speech by literally shoveling him aside. The way Dipper raises his eyebrow during the scene sells it◊.
The Reveal of Mabel's boyfriend's identity. That is all. Best lampshaded by Dipper when he find out.
Dipper: Gnomes? Huh, I was way off.
"So what d'ya say? Will you join us in holy matri-gnomey? Matri—matrimony! Blah! I can't talk today."
This particular scene after Dipper walks in on the gnomes tying Mabel to the ground.
Dipper: Hey, hey! Let go of my sister!
Gnome: Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just marrying all 1000 of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right honey?
Mabel: You guys are butt-faces!
When the gnomes are fleeing from Dipper and Mabel, one of them gets wrapped in a set of plastic six-pack rings and is carried off by a goat.
Description of zombies.
Dipper: Known for their pale skin and bad attitude, these creatures are often mistaken for teenagers.
The way Dipper and Mabel top off their "awkward sibling hug."
Dipper tries to hide the journal he found from Grunkle Stan and we end up with this:
Grunkle Stan: Whatcha reading there, slick? Dipper: Oh, uh, just catching up on— (takes a closer look at what he has in his hands) "Gold Chains for Old Men" magazine? Grunkle Stan: That's a good issue.
At the end of this episode, when the credits roll, there's a clip of one of the gnomes throwing up rainbows. The fact it's deliberately long makes it a Crowning Moment of Funny entry.
While most of the gnomes have names like Jeff, Mike, and Steve, one of them is called Shmebulock.
Jeff: Is this weird? Is this too weird? You need to sit down? R-right, I'll explain. So...we're gnomes, first off, get that one out of the way. I'm Jeff, and here we have Carson, Steve, Jason, and... I'm sorry, I always forget your name. Shmebulock: Schmebulok!
Dipper trying to tell Mabel that Norman is a zombie.
Mabel: You think he might be a vampire? Because that would be so awesome! Dipper: Guess again sister. Shabam!(opens book to page about gnomes) Mabel: Aah! Dipper: Oh, wait. Sorry. (flips to "undead" page) Shabam!
Even better because the guy he told the joke to was about to propose to his girlfriend.
"It's just me, your Grunkle Stan!" Apparently he scares Dipper and Mabel more than the thought of a talking wax statue.
Later Stan is freaked out by the wax figure of him.
Grunkle Stan calling wax Larry King "some kind of goblin man".
Mabel's wax statue ideas which include a half-horse fairy princess .
Dipper: Maybe you should carve something from real life.
Mabel: Like a waffle with big arms!
Dipper: Uh... okay, or something else.
Grunkle Stan's reaction to melted wax Abe Lincoln.
Grunkle Stan: Who left the blinds open?! Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction!
"Why's your sister talking to the ceiling?"
Soos agreeing that wax Grunkle Stan needs more glitter and throwing an entire bucket of glitter on it.
Soos directing cars with corndogs. He even takes a bite.
Dipper can't believe that so many people showed up to the wax museum reopening and Wendy thinks that Grunkle Stan must have bribed them. Cue the both of them pulling out the bribe money that Grunkle Stan gave them.
Soon it transpires that Stan included an offer of free pizza with admission on his flyers for the event. "That was a typo. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!" Stan flees with the money, and the crowd riots, during which Manly Dan punches a wooden pole so hard it cracks.
Mabel: I think that went well.
"But enough about me. Behold, me!"
"I made this statue with my own two hands. It’s covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids."
"Well Ducktective, it looks like you've quacked the case." Cue the duck quacking, "Don't patronize me."
"It could be months before we find our first clue." "Look, a clue!"
Dipper shows Soos the evidence at the crime scene, an axe.
Then, the patrons start to crowd the two, commenting on how adorable the two are, anticipating Mabel's response, so anxious that if she says no, one old lady would die from sadness! Finally, made even better by a doctor apparently confirming that.
Old Lady: If she says no, I'll die from sadness! Doctor: I can verify that will indeed happen.
Dipper referring to Gideon's tent as a bizarro version of the Mystery Shack right down to having its own version of Soos, who's named "Deuce". Soos and his doppelganger then give each other a Death Glare.
Bud Gleeful's nonchalant reaction to one of Lil' Gideon's rages.
Grunkle Stan getting totally into the black-and-white Duchess movie... to the point where he throws the TV out the window out of frustration at one of the plot lines.
Duchess in the movie: I may be a duchess, but I'm also a woman!
Grunkle Stan: Yeah! In your face, Elizabeth! (sobbing) It's just like my life! In a way.
Grunkle Stan: YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE AT THE COTILLION, YOU!
Character in the movie: You had your chance at the cotillion, you!
TV: "You're watching the Black And White Period Piece Old Lady Boring Movie Channel." "Stay tuned for the Friday night movie: The Duchess Approves, starring Sturley Stempleburgiss as the Duchess, and Grampton St.Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire."
"Did you lick my hand?"
The incredibly tame rap song, and the fact that it was enough to give the store owners fatal heart attacks.
Not to mention how serious the expressions were on the dancers.
Homework's whack and so are rules! Tucking in your shirt's for fools!
"I'm the guy who spray-painted the water tower." "Oh, the big muffin." "Um, it's an giant explosion!"
"Look Dancy Pants Revolution, the game that tricks you into exercising!"
"You're a dance machine!" "NO, YOU'RE A DANCE MACHINE!!"
Wendy: You're surprisingly mature for your age! Dipper: Yes. Yes I am. Dipper: *tries to eat his ice cream without looking at it, ends up hitting it against the side of his face instead*
Soos: I am so glad I turned my head. That dot did not disappoint.
And a little later:
Tyrone: Number Ten has been distracting Soos for fifteen minutes. He's gonna get tired of that dot eventually! Soos (off-camera): Never!
Dipper's jealousy fantasy in which Wendy dances with Robbie, taking a break to punch Dipper in the stomach for good measure.
"Hey, buddy, it's me — you. I just had the same jealousy fantasy."
His original fantasy was also hilarious as well, with Wendy swooning over his organizational skills... and the fact he's the same height as her.
"Show me the list again!"
Not to mention Soos playing the trumpet in the background.
"Let's get married tonight!"
"Oh no! They're sitting on the couch!"
Not to mention the breathy voice Wendy speaks with in the fantasies- completely unlike how she normally talks.
Dipper's clones lock him (the original Dipper) in a closet... but they make sure that there are snacks and a coloring book for him so he's comfortable.
Crowned by Dipper's defiant, "I'm taking a break but this is far from over" expression while eating said snack.
"Hey guys, what would you do if you were trapped in a closet?" "Break out." *cut to the broken-opened closet door*
One of the Dippers hanging a dollar bill in front of Grunkle Stan off a fishhook as Stan is loading his plate with marshmallows. Stan looks at the bill, says "Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna fall for that," and resumes putting marshmallows on his plate. Then goes on to shout "Give me that floating money!" whilst chasing the bill.
The funny thing is, he dives for the bill, knocking over the whole refreshments table.
Tyrone (the first Dipper clone) trying to feed Paper Jam Dipper. Scary, but also oddly heartwarming, and funny all the while.
Paper Jam Dipper in general was pretty funny to begin with. When all the Dipper clones start arguing about who should dance with Wendy, he wanted to get in on the argument. And the one translated line at the end.
Paper Jam Dipper: NYANYANYANYANYANYANYAKKKKKKKKK! (It's better this way for Paper Jam Dipper.)
"I'm gonna do a flip!" *smacks face on floor* "That was for you guys!"
Soos being the DJ.
Soos: Alright everybody, remember who... Party Hardies, what?
Pacifica: Oh, and Grenda, you sound like a professional wrestler. Grenda: I wanna put her in a headlock! And make her feel pain!
Dipper's clones stealing Robbie's bike was both hilarious and awesome.
Soos: Would the owner of a silver and red dirt bike please report outside? It is being stolen right now.
Robbie: *Sitting calmly on the couch* WHAT!?
Apparently, Tyrone knows what "number 2" REALLY means.
Dipper: I shall call you "Number 2"!
Tyrone: Definitely not.
Dipper: So... what's your favorite snack food? Wendy: No way, I can't just pick one. Dipper: Mine too! Wendy: Wait, what? Dipper: Uhh... Um... *stuffs a handful of popcorn in his mouth*
Grunkle Stan asks Dipper to print flyers for his party.
Mapel: Oh boy, a trip to the copier store! Soos: "Calenders, mugs, T-shirts and more! They got it all at the copier store!" That's not their slogan, I just really feel that way about the copier store.
Poor Toby Determined getting on Stan's bad side during Pioneer Day.
Toby: Welcome to 1863!
Stan: I will break you, little man!
Everything to do with Quentin Trembley.
Trembley: Who could you possibly get to replace me? Baby Congressman: Mama. Trembley: That old crone?
"Come on, Steve you're a mechanic! Cut me some slack!
The officers then come in the scene.
Stan: Oh look it's "the constable". What are you gonna do, throw me in "ye stocks"? Ahahaha! (cut to Stan in the stocks) Stan: Awww come on!
After the folded map leads Dipper and Mabel to the "Gravity Falls Museum of History":
Dipper: We're going to have to break in. (dramatic music) (cut) Pioneer Day Lady: Annnd those are your free Pioneer Day passes. And your balloons, blue and pink. Dipper: (dramatic music) We're in.
"Hey painting, be less stupid!"
Pioneer Day Lady: I'm sorry but we're all out of pink balloons. Deputy Durland: (in the most dejected voice possible) Why did we even come?
Once Trembley makes Mabel a Congressman:
Mabel: I'm legalizing everything!
Gideon "dropping" his tomatoes.
Gideon: Whoops, I dropped one! *WHACK* Whoops, I dropped another one! *WHACK*
"The only thing we have to fear is gigantic man-eating spiders!"
Trembley: ... I will always be right here, on the negative twelve dollar bill. Dipper: Wow, this is worthless! Trembley: It's less than worthless, dear boy!
The man married to the woodpecker
Man: For the last time we're not going south for the winter, our home is here!(woodpecker pecks on the table)You always say that!
The top secret document:
Let it here be recorded... Nathaniel Northwest, famous in his native Gravity Falls for standing in the park and hitting himself with a large boating oar until he blacked out, was chosen to become the patsy mayor of Gravity Falls. Northwest spoke in a series of grunts and screams and often yelled his trademark phrase: "I am going to eat this entire oak tree because I am a powerful wizard!"
The fabled founder of Gravity Falls was, in fact a fraud. His last moments on Earth were spent choking on a giant piece of bark, attempting to live out his beautiful dream. He was hated by everyone that knew him. He will not be missed.
Thomas Jefferson was actually just two kids in an overcoat standing on each other's shoulders. The current and forever President of the United States is actually Santa Claus. Under the reign of Mr. Claus, America is not a democracy, but a jollyocracy. The statues at Mount Rushmore are actually gigantic presidential-faced robots that will be called into action when America needs them the most. An enormous, evil, time-traveling baby from another dimension is frozen in an Antarctic glacier. Fortunately, glaciers never melt, so we should be fine. Writing jokes for cartoons is more important than sleep. If you recite the Pledge of Allegiance backwards, you'll gain secret wizard powers! (This one is true kids! Try it at home!)
The true founder of Gravity Falls is: Sir Lord Quentin Trembley III, Esq.
Dipper warns Mabel not to change history in the pioneer days. Mabel is Waddles-less and having none of it.
Mabel: [hands a kid a calculator] Check it out! A magic button machine! Shoes that blink! [to a pioneer woman] Hey, sister, guess who gets to vote in the future? Ladies! Up top! [high fives her] That's called a high five. Teach it to your friends.
Dipper: Here it is Mabel. Our ticket to any moment in history.
Mabel: Let's get two dodos and force them to make out!
"OH MY GOSH A PIG!!"
Apparently, if one were to rub his or her face with Waddles's, everything turns different.
Mabel: Everything is different now.
Dipper: I think the sky tram is broken. Also most of my bones.
Stan: Haha! This guy.
Robbie is looking for Wendy.
Dipper: Yeah, I think I saw her at the bottomless pit. You should go jump in there.
"Ah, you want 'ol Fifteen Poundy! Alright, how much ya guessin' he weighs?"
Mabel: Fifteen pounds?
Game Runner: (Dead serious) Are you some kind of witch?
"Memory wipe!" "This is a baby wipe."
"Like a hawk!"
Mabel: Fifteen pounds! And yes, I am a witch!
Carny: *lights a torch* Well, time to round up a mob.
And the mob reappears when Mabel and Dipper go back in time.
Dipper and Mabel eventually time travel to a future where society has crumbled, and there are people in bullet proof vests shooting at a giant killer floating baby who's destroying buildings and highways.
Mabel: This future's neat.
Dipper grabs the time traveling tape and frantically starts pressing buttons.
On one of Dipper's multiple attempts to impress Wendy, he tears a bag of baseballs that falls on top of Wendy.
Robbie gets scared by Waddles, and knocks over a tub of hot water drenching and shrinking his pants.
Blendin Blandin catching the twins after all is said and done;
Blendin: Do you know how many rules you just broke!? I'm asking...it was a lot, right?
SUPER POWER NINJA TURBO NEO ULTRA HYPER MEGA MULTI ALPHA META EXTRA UBER PREFIX COMBO!
Mabel 'playing with' Rumble's voice is pure gold.
The credits scene. Oh, good gosh, the credits scene...
Om, nom, nom, eating my friends...
At the "Choose Character" screen:
Dipper: I'm Dipper! I have shorts and determination!
Mabel: (in an Italian accent, ala Mario) It's-a me! A-Mabel!
Stan: I'm slower, but I jump higher.
Wendy: Pick me or whatever.
"Alas. 'Twas but a dream."
Soos has always wondered what it would be like to be inside of a video game. So, he unscrews the back and climbs inside, getting stuck and scares off the next person who tries to play it.
Soos: Help! I'm trapped in the game! It was cool in theory, but in practice it was really boring!
"I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union!" "Uh, that's gonna be tough. For a number of reasons."
Dipper: Rumble, I have something to tell you! Robbie didn't kill my father! Rumble: What? Then who did? Dipper: Wah? No one!
The joke surrounding Dipper and Robbie hating each other "the way girls do".
After promising Grunkle Stan she won't take him to a high place, she puts on a second sweater with a "Scouts honor" hand symbol on it. After his back is turned, she turns around with a cheeky little grin, revealing to the camera a "crossies" symbol on the back of her shirt, before flipping her hair out from inside her shirt to cover it up. That was brilliant visual gag writing...
"GURL, WHY YOU ACKIN' SO CRAY CRAY?!" Then having that phrase turn out to be the name of the talk show.
Also Mabel and Stan, of all people, incorporating "cray cray" into their conversations
Stan: So I have a fear of heights. Is that really so cray cray?
"You can hide, but you can't hide!"
"Wait, lemme do a cocky dance. Hoodlydoo! Boodlydoo! Boodlyboo! Hahahahaha!"
"Studies show that keeping a ladder inside a house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That’s why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder!"
At the end of the episode, Dipper and Robbie going from laughing at one of Wendy's jokes; to glaring at each other and making threatening gestures the moment she looks away; then right back to acting like they're friends.
Grunkle Stan playing "Insert Token!," a video "game" only he could appreciate — if only he thought of it first.
Announcer: Congratulations! You win! (beat) Insert token!
While being Rumble was chasing Robbie, he comes across a new expensive looking car that a father had just bought for his son, and beats it up for bonus points.
From a preview, Gideon as advancing towards Stan and laughing psychotically. Cue him falling over and rolling on the floor in laughter.
Stan: I don't even know how to respond to that.
Stan being visited by a man in a suit:
Man in suit: Stan Pines? Stan: The tax collector! You found me! (uses a smokescreen to escape and tries to flee with his money)
The endless parade of short jokes at Dipper's expense.
The chess game between Dipper and Mabel at the beginning
Dipper: It's a pawn, that's not your colour, and stop stealing the tiny horses.
Mabel:*all of the knight pieces are stuffed in her sweater* They like it better in here. *to the horses* Don't you babies? *horse whinny*
Dipper playing with the grow/shrink crystal.
Dipper: Smaller... *shrinks the pawn piece* ...bigger... *pawn piece grows and suddenly breaks through the roof* ...too big!
Stan: Yeah, you're the light of my life, too.
When Mabel thinks Dipper's growth spurt was caused by a wizard.
Mabel: This is some kind of magicky thing isn't it? Was it a wizard or something? There's a wizard in this closet isn't there? Isn't there? Dipper: What? No! Mabel: You're telling me there is not a wizard in this closet? You're telling me that if I open this door right now— Dipper: Fine, open it. (Mabel opens the closet door to reveal nothing but two shirts and a pair of boots.) (Beat) Mabel: An invisible wizard! Really, Dipper?
Even funnier is that she still thinks there's a Invisible Wizard in the closet even after Dipper reveals the shrinking crystal and its properties.
Store Clerk: Have the police come & eject the Pines family from the store. Grunkle Stan: NOT TODAY! (Stan throws a smoke bomb at the clerk's face) Store Clerk: MY EYES! (Stan pays for the stuff with "Stan Bucks" which is badly drawn in pad paper) Store Clerk: I hate Summerween. (Stan knocks down an electric pole in reverse) Grunkle Stan:: LETS MOVE!
Soos' love for the chattering Summerween Skull. So much that when everyone is trying to escape the Trickster at the end, not only does he go out of his way press the skull when the exit is right next to them and unguarded, he changes the batteries on the skull to make it work when it doesn't the first time.
Mabel: Soos! Don't you dare!
Soos: Sorry, dude. Tonight's been way stressful. I need some levity.
Soos eats his way out of the Summerween Trickster Alien chestburster style.
The parodies of LOLCat photographs in the ending with Waddles.
"'When fighting the gremloblin, use water...only as a last resort, as it will only make it scarier.' Who writes sentences like that?"
The gremloblin's odd fixation with the electronic talking fish.
"I'm the Singin' Salmon, spendin' all day jammin'."
The Gremloblins worst fear: "You've become your father!"
Stan's apology dance.
When Dipper sets out to catch a supernatural creature. Look at the flail! It's bigger than he is!
Gunkle Stan using his "old man powers".
Gunkle Stan taking a literal money shower.
Cash Wheel Host: Uh, Mr. Pines, you don't need to take your clothes off—go to commercial! GO TO COMMERCIAL! (runs up to the camera and covers it just as Stan takes his undies off).
Mabel: *Slaps sticker on Stan's nose* Deal.
"Mabel's in charge now!"
Dipper: Are those shoulder pads?
Mabel: Uh-huuuuh. It's just one of the many up-to-date managerial tricks I learned from this book I found propping up the kitchen table. (Holds up a book titled "Succeeding In Management 1983")
"Come on girls! Shoulder pads! Make that money! Mabel’s the boss now!"
Dipper has to guard the pool supplies from more looting. He has to stop Grunkle Stan from entering and stealing in the pool, and Mabel from stealing the cooler to save Mermando and Soos from freeing the duck rings.
Dipper: Is Soos here too!?
(Soos climbs over the fence behind Dipper. Dipper doesn't even turn around)
Soos: I'm ok.
Dipper:(still not turning around) Go home, Soos.
Soos: You got it.
Dipper asks if Stan is the one who's been destroying pool supplies. Stan protests that his crime is much better, and that he's going to steal the chair before Gideon. He then adds "and then maybe I'll wreck some pool stuff. Night's still young."
Stan's little feud with Lil' Gideon over the Perfect Pool Chair. At one point Stan tries to get Gideon by reflecting sunlight off his watch.
Stan: Yes, yes! Burn the child.
When appointed lifeguard, Dipper and Wendy quickly abuse their power, playing pranks on swimmers. In one instance they trick Soos into thinking the rubber pool duck rings are alive and want to be free.
Towards the end of the episode, he manages to "free" them.
Soos: The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand!
Soos' reaction to a stranger saying she'll marry him and planting a kiss on him is to basically shrug and go with it.
Then, during the credits;
Woman:(Crying) I don't think I can do this anymore... You just seem so different!
Soos: Look, dude, uh, I'm playin' a little bit of catch-up here... I was in a pig's body for most of the day. Wha-what's goin' on? (Beat) Can we kiss again? Is that an option?
Grunkle Stan's choice of television:
Grunkle Stan: (Watching two guys shoving each other) Fight! Fight! Fight! (Changes channel to two deer bucking heads) Fight! Fight! Fight! (Changes channel to two babies sitting peacefully and giggling) Fight! Fight! Fight! (Someone offscreen pokes a baby with a stick and they begin slapping each other) Fight! Fight! Fight!
Announcer: BABY FIGHTS!
Grunkle Stan: TV, it knows what I want!
—> Subtitle: I didn't come here to make friends.
Apparently Dipper keeps Mabel up with his late night reading.
Dipper: Oh ho! Hm... Interesting. But who stole the capers? Hmm... (begins rapidly clicking pen)
"This is still better."
Stan giving out "suck-up points":
Stan: Ah, that's refreshing. Ten suck up points to this lemonade! (Hight piched voice) Thank you, Stan!
At the beginning where Wendy and Dipper are watching the cameras.
Dipper mimicking customer: Do you have this t-shirt in my size?
Wendy mimicking Stan: I have something even better! Behold, my butt.
Grunkle Stan's "Subtle" music played over the PA system, to convince people to buy stuff.
Stan:BUY MORE KEYCHAINS!BUY MORE KEYCHAINS!
The Cute Biker showing up◊ at the Sev'ral Timez concert.
Even funnier is that Gideon hisses and meows like a cat when Stan beats him with the broom.
Makes for a nice call back since Mabel is now riding arm throne style on the arms of the two guys in the car from "The Inconveniencing" that she told could look but couldn't touch. .
Stan's "top secret" memory...he's playing with his stomach and calling it "Mr. Tummy."
Soos trying to lick his elbow.
"Like the infinite horizon, it eludes me!"
Stan's date with Lazy Susan.
Stan: (thinking) This is going terrible, I can't think of anything to say and she looks weird up close. Think of a way out. (out loud) NON SPECIFIC EXCUSE!! (Swats his food off the table and runs off.)
Mabel:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! MY CUTENESS!!!! WHAT DID (her voice gets gradually lower) YOU Dooo tooooo myyyyy cuuuuuuteneeeeesssssssssh?
Gideon chants backmasked words to summon Bill. What are the actual words said backwards? "Backwards message".
Dipper: All right, here's the plan: We lure the creature out with this bag of chips. (Camera pans down to show a bag of chips outside the closet.) Mabel: Bag of chips, got it! (Camera pans up then pans back down to reveal the bag is missing.) Dipper:(gasp) The bag is gone! Mabel:(munch) What was the plan again? Mmm, nacho flavor. Dipper: Mabel!
A deleted gag had Grunkle Stan throwing sand in Gideon's eyes and shouting 'YES, YES! BLIND THE CHILD' before running off, a variant of which actually made it into "The Deep End".