Quotes: Gravity Falls

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Season 1

    Tourist Trapped 
Dipper: I'm telling you, something weird is going on in this town. Just the other day my mosquito bites spelled out "BEWARE."
Stan: That says "BEWARB."

Dipper: (reading Journal 3) Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I must hide this book before he finds it. Remember, in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust.

Mabel: Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything. (thinking) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire!

    Legend of the Gobblewonker 
Mabel: A human-sized hamster ball? (gasp) I'm human-sized!

Stan: Wanna hear a joke? Okay, here goes: My ex-wife still misses me... but her aim is getting better! (beat) Her aim is getting better! You see, it's funny because marriage is terrible.

    Headhunters 
Stan: You all know me, town darling Mr. Mystery. Please, ladies. Control yourselves.

Mabel: I made this sculpture with my own two hands! It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids!

Mabel: (stepping over a prone body) ...He's resting.

Toby Determined: Wow, your little knees must be sore... from jumping to conclusions! Ha cha cha!

Sherlock Holmes: Have you seen my magnifying glass? It's enormous!

    The Hand That Rocks The Mabel 
Mabel: Check it out Dipper! I successfully bezazzled my face!

Grunkle Stan: "Pardon this garden"? I will pardon nothing!

Old Lady: If she says no, I'll die from sadness.
Doctor: I can verify that that will indeed happen.

    The Inconveniencing 
Mabel: The future is in the past! Onwards, Aoshima!

Rap Music: Homework's whack and so are rules! Tucking in your shirt's for fools!

Wendy: Well, I'm probably scarred for life.
Dipper: Yeah, that was pretty crazy.
Wendy: I think I'm gonna go stare at a wall for a while and rethink everything.

    Dipper vs. Manliness 
Dipper: (approaching manliness testing machine) Time to manhandle this... man-handle.

Chutzpar: Hmmm, I smell... (sniffs) emotional issues.

Dipper: You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks and being aggro all the time, but I'm starting to think that stuff's malarkey!
Manotaurs: (gasp)
Dipper: You heard me, malarkey. So maybe I don't have muscles, or hair in certain places, and sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes I leave it on! 'Cause dang it, Top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason, they're catchy!

    Double Dipper 
Mabel: My name's Mabel.
Pacifica: That sounds like a fat old lady's name.
Mabel: I'll take that as a compliment!

Wendy: (In Dipper's Imagine Spot) Oh, Robbie! You're a stupid, arrogant fraud! But kiss me anyway because you can play guitar!

Pacifica: Oh, Grenda, by the way, you sound like a professional wrestler.
Grenda: I wanna put her in a headlock and make her feel pain!

Candy: Maybe we don't have as many friends as Pacifica. But we have each other. And that is pretty good, I think.

    Irrational Treasure 
Quentin Trembley: The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!

Mabel: I'm legalizing everything!

Dipper: Man, revenge is underrated - that felt awesome!

    The Time Traveler's Pig 
Dipper: Here it is, Mabel. Our ticket to any point in history.
Mabel: Let's go get two dodos and force them to make out!

Mabel: And yes, I am a witch.
Barker: Welp, time to round up a mob. (lights torch)

    Fight Fighters 
Rumble: Dr. Karate! You killed my father again!

Stan: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns: in case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder!

Rumble: The child gave me a taco!

Rumble: Never underestimate that I have punches!

    Little Dipper 
Dipper: Come on, no one even uses millimeters! That only makes you taller than me in Canada!

Stan: Oh, Gideon! I was looking for someone to try out my new Mirror Maze! Then again, you're an idiot. That's the end of the sentence. (walks off)

    Summerween 
Summerween Trickster: You must trick or treat... or die.

Gorney: (cheerful) I've been twaumatized!

Soos: (nonchalantly) I ate a man alive tonight.

    Boss Mabel 
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning.
Stan: I don't know de meaning of that word!

Stan: Look I'm not gonna-
Mabel: DO IT!
Stan: Argh!... (singing) I'm Stan and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan wrong song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance.

    Bottomless Pit 
Old Man McGucket: You can run, but I'll still be in your nightmares!

Stan: Sometimes I think: Is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet sweet, release of death?

Stan: See, I lied to you. In addition, I've been parking in handicapped spaces, shoplifting fireworks, and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines. Also, you're fat.

    The Deep End 
Mermando: There are some who call me (strums guitar) Mermando. This is because Mermando is my name.

Mabel: (taking pictures) Hah! Blackmail.

Mermando: Thank you for saving me, but... why did you not just roll me into the lake?

    Carpet Diem 
Mabel: (singing) Breaking stuff is so much fun! I am Dipper and I stink!

Grenda: Come on, my Mom's age-inappropriate romance novels aren't gonna read themselves.

Stan: It all begins with this little fella: the pituitary gland. He may be small, but he has big plans.

Deputy Durland: A bearded witch chasing a talking pig!
Sheriff Blubs: My horoscope came true.

    Boyz Crazy 
Dipper: Hey, is this the fingerless glove store? I like things that are dumb. I'm Robbie.

Candy: I welcome you, death.

Deep Chris: Hey, girl. I just wanna get real for a moment. And say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. You specifically. Not the girl sitting next to you, but you.

Stan: Finally! A good reason to punch a teenager in the face!
Robbie: Mr. Pines!
Stan: That's MR Pines to you!
Robbie: Wait... what?

    Land Before Swine 
Mabel: Grunkle Stan! It's not safe for Waddles outside! There's predators! And barbecuers!
Grunkle Stan: That's just the natural order! It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious!

Bobby Renzobbi: I know what you're thinking: Does it work for pigs? Ah ha ha, yeah it does work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!!!

Stan: Dinosaurs aren't magic, they're just big lizards! Get off my back.

Old Man McGucket: So there I am, fighting a raccoon for the same piece of meat, when our mouths get close, and we kiss accidentally!

    Dreamscaperers 
Craz: Radical!
Xyler: I also think it's radical!

    Gideon Rises 
Mabel: Looks like Mabel's going to have to be the hero of the family now. I'll defeat Gideon with my grappling hook!

Dipper: (to Wendy) What? You're leaving town? But we need you here!
Soos: Yeah, especially Dipper, because of his giant crush on you(Dipper glares at him)... calyptus trees! Heh! The kid loves eucalyptus trees! Saved it.

Soos: Hey, is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?

    Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained 
Stan: Soos, I will pay you to put your shirt back on.

Mailbox: Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass.

Mabel: And I brought Bear-O, my adorable childhood puppet! Hi-yooo! Ain't that right, honey? (making Bear-O talk) Did somebody say... honey? Hahaha!
Dipper: No! Creepy. Bear-O's creepy. Everyone hates Bear-O.
Mabel: (still using the puppet voice) But Dipper, who could hate Bear-O?
Dipper: I can think of a few people.
(Cut to flashback of Mabel performing with Bear-O in front of a group of small children)
Mabel: (singing) They're quite a pair! Mabel and Bear-O, her un-bear-lievable bear!
Unnamed kid: (sobbing loudly) I hate Bear-O, mommy! I hate it!

Island Head Beast: !ynitsed ruoy retnE !nerdlihc ,htuom ym retnE !rebmuls ym morf em nekowa evah uoY

Season 2

     Scaryoke 
Soos: Dudes, stay calm. Iíve been training for this movie my whole life. With all of the horror movies Iíve seen, I know literally everything there is to know about how to avoid zombies.
Zombie Behind Soos: (CHOMP!)
Soos: Second thought, gonna flip the script. Can I... eat your brains: Yay or nay? Seeing some Ďyayí faces over here.

     Into the Bunker 
Mabel: Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history!

Soos: My face is tired from doing this all day. *points at his face in a screaming pose*

Wendy: I just wrestled myself. That was awkward.

     The Golf War 
Imagine Spot Pacifica: Ugh, the section for old lady clothes is over there.
Mabel: Oh, yeah? Well, the section for people who lost at mini-golf is OVER THERE! (points to exit)
Paramedic Xyler: (rushes in) We came as fast fast as we could!
Paramedic Cras: We heard a little girl got seriously burned!
Xyler & Cras: OOOOH! (high fives)
Imagine Spot Pacifica: I'm ruined!

Franz: We're Lilliputtians! Lilliputt... It makes more sense written out than spoken.

Dipper: Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life.

French ball person: Je ne sais pas, sacre bleu, au revoir!
Subtitles: I don't actually know French.

     Sock Opera 

Bill: (in Dipper's body) Pain is hilarious!

Dipper!Bill: I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling?
Mabel: Dipper would.

     Soos and the Real Girl 

When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen
Romance Academy 7 opening text

Giffany: Every time you compliment me, I get another highlight in my eyes!

Soos: Or maybe it's pronounced "Jiff-any"? I was never really sure.

Soos: I have to go to the bathroom for a long time... Not in a weird way!

Melody: Never date a magician.

     Little Gift Shop of Horrors 

Mabel: This isn't right! The pig goes oink! The pig goes oink!
Waddles: Now the pig goes wherever he can shine the light of knowledge into the darkness of ignorance.

Stan: Movies are great! You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you, next thing you know you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart... Forget that last part.

     Society of the Blind Eye 

Mabel: Your name is Toot-toot McBumbersnazzle! You're a traveling banjo minstrel with a song in your heart and funny tattoos on your head!

McGucket: Hit me with your best shot Baldy, but my mind's been gone for thirty-odd years! You can't break what's already broken!

     Blendin's Game 

Soos: (to Dipper and Mabel) Well, birthdays are supposed to be spent with the people who care about you. But you know what, that dude didnít care about me enough to visit me once, let alone fight monsters through time and space like you dudes. I mean, you had a gladiator fight, just to make me happy. Iíve been being ridiculous this whole time. Whoever my dad was, he can take a hike. I know who my family is now, and itís you dudes. Thanks for giving me the best birthday ever.

     The Love God 

Teenager: It's Heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything!

     Northwest Mansion Mystery 

Pacifica: You wanna know why this room was locked up? This is what I found in here. A painted record of every horrible thing that my family's ever done. Lying, cheating, and then there's me. I lied to you just because I'm too scared to talk back to my stupid parents! You were right about me. I am just another link in the world's worst chain.
Dipper: Pacifica, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. But just because you're your parents' daughter doesn't mean you have to be like them. It's not too late.

Lumberjack Ghost: Yes! Yes, it's happening! My heart, once as hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a birch or... something.

     Not What He Seems 
Tyler: "Did the entire world just hiccup?"

Stan: HOT BELGIUM WAFFLES! Wait... I'm alone! I can swear for real! (deep breath) SON OF A—

Mabel: Grunkle Stan... I trust you.

     A Tale Of Two Stans 

"When gravity falls, and earth becomes sky, fear the beast with just one eye..."
Fiddlefort McGucket's Prophecy

     Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons 

"YOU DARE CHALLENGE PROBABILI-TIZZLE?"
Diggity Dungeons & All That

"There's no cops in the forest. We take this to our graves."
Grunkle Stan

Dipper: There better be something protective under this tunic. (Turns away to check) OH, NO THERE ISN'T!