Quotes: Gravity Falls

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Season 1

    Tourist Trapped 
Dipper: I'm telling you, something weird is going on in this town. Just the other day my mosquito bites spelled out "BEWARE."
Stan: That says "BEWARB."

Dipper: (reading Journal 3) Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I must hide this book before he finds it. Remember, in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust.

Mabel: Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything. (thinking:) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire!

    Legend of the Gobblewonker 
Mabel: A human-sized hamster ball? (gasp) I'm human-sized!

Stan: Wanna hear a joke? Okay, here goes: My ex-wife still misses me... but her aim is getting better! (beat) Her aim is getting better! You see, it's funny because marriage is terrible.

Stan: You all know me, town darling Mr. Mystery. Please, ladies. Control yourselves.

Mabel: I made this sculpture with my own two hands! It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids!

Mabel: (stepping over a prone body) He's resting.

Toby Determined: Wow, your little knees must be sore... from jumping to conclusions! Ha cha cha!

Sherlock Holmes: Have you seen my magnifying glass? It's enormous!

    The Hand That Rocks The Mabel 
Mabel: I successfully bezazzled my face!

Grunkle Stan: "Pardon this garden"? I will pardon nothing!

Old Lady: If she says no, I'll die from sadness.
Doctor: I can verify that that will indeed happen.

    The Inconveniencing 
Mabel: The future is in the past! Onwards, Aoshima!

Rap Music: Homework's whack and so are rules! Tucking in your shirt's for fools!

Wendy: Well, I'm probably scarred for life.
Dipper: Yeah, that was pretty crazy.
Wendy: I think I'm gonna go stare at a wall for a while and rethink everything.

    Dipper vs. Manliness 
Dipper: [approaching manliness testing machine] Time to manhandle this... man-handle.

Chutzpar: I smell... (sniffs) emotional issues.

Dipper: You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks and being aggro all the time, but I'm starting to think that stuff's malarkey!
Manotaurs: (gasp)
Dipper: You heard me, malarkey. So maybe I don't have muscles, or hair in certain places, and sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes I leave it on! 'Cause dang it, Top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason, they're catchy!

    Double Dipper 
Mabel: My name's Mabel.
Pacifica: That sounds like a fat old lady's name.
Mabel: I'll take that as a compliment!

Wendy: (in Dipper's Imagine Spot) Oh, Robbie! You're a stupid, arrogant fraud! But kiss me anyway because you can play guitar!

Pacifica: Oh, Grenda, by the way, you sound like a professional wrestler.
Grenda: I wanna put her in a headlock and make her feel pain!

Candy: Maybe we don't have as many friends as Pacifica. But we have each other. And that is pretty good, I think.

    Irrational Treasure 
Quentin Trembley: The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!

Mabel: I'm legalizing everything!

Dipper: Man, revenge is underrated - that felt awesome!

    The Time Traveler's Pig 
Dipper: Here it is, Mabel. Our ticket to any point in history.
Mabel: Let's go get two dodos and force them to make out!

Mabel: And yes, I am a witch.
Barker: Welp, time to round up a mob. (lights torch)

    Fight Fighters 
Rumble: Dr. Karate! You killed my father again!

Stan: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns: in case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder!

Rumble: The child gave me a taco!

Rumble: Never underestimate that I have punches!

    Little Dipper 
Dipper: Come on, no one even uses millimeters! That only makes you taller than me in Canada!

Stan: Oh, Gideon! I was looking for someone to try out my new Mirror Maze! Then again, you're an idiot. That's the end of the sentence. (walks off)

Summerween Trickster: You must trick or treat... or die.

Gorney: (cheerful) I've been twaumatized!

Soos: (nonchalantly) I ate a man alive tonight.

    Boss Mabel 
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning.
Stan: I don't know de meaning of that word!

Stan: (singing) I'm Stan and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan wrong song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance.

    Bottomless Pit 
Old Man McGucket: You can run, but I'll still be in your nightmares!

Stan: Sometimes I think: is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet sweet, release of death?

Stan: See, I lied to you. In addition, I've been parking in handicapped spaces, shoplifting fireworks, and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines. Also, you're fat.

    The Deep End 
Mermando: There are some who call me (strums guitar) Mermando. This is because Mermando is my name.

    Carpet Diem 
Mabel: (singing) Breaking stuff is so much fun! I am Dipper and I stink!

Grenda: Come on, my Mom's age-inappropriate romance novels aren't gonna read themselves.

Stan: It all begins with this little fella: the pituitary gland. He may be small, but he has big plans.

Deputy Durland: A bearded witch chasing a talking pig!
Sheriff Blubs: My horoscope came true.

    Boyz Crazy 
Dipper: Hey, is this the fingerless glove store? I like things that are dumb. I'm Robbie.

Candy: I welcome you, death.

Deep Chris: Hey, girl. I just wanna get real for a moment. And say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. You specifically. Not the girl sitting next to you, but you.

Stan: Finally! A good reason to punch a teenager in the face!
Robbie: Mr. Pines!
Stan: That's MR Pines to you!
Robbie: Wait... what?

    Land Before Swine 
Mabel: Grunkle Stan! It's not safe for Waddles outside! There's predators! And barbecuers!
Grunkle Stan: That's just the natural order! It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious!

Bobby Renzobbi: I know what you're thinking: Does it work for pigs? Ah ha ha, yeah it does work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!!!

Stan: Dinosaurs aren't magic, they're just big lizards! Get off my back.

Old Man McGucket: So there I am, fighting a raccoon for the same piece of meat, when our mouths get close, and we kiss accidentally!

Craz: Radical!
Xyler: I also think it's radical!

    Gideon Rises 
Mabel: Looks like Mabel's going to have to be the hero of the family now. I'll defeat Gideon with my grappling hook!

Dipper: (to Wendy) What? You're leaving town? But we need you here!
Soos: Yeah, especially Dipper, because of his giant crush on you(Dipper glares at him)... calyptus trees! Heh! The kid loves eucalyptus trees! Saved it.

Soos: Hey, is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?

    Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained 
Stan: Soos, I will pay you to put your shirt back on.

Mailbox: Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass.

Mabel: And I brought Bear-O, my adorable childhood puppet! Hi-yooo! Ain't that right, honey? (making Bear-O talk) Did somebody say... honey? Hahaha!
Dipper: No! Creepy. Bear-O's creepy. Everyone hates Bear-O.
Mabel: (still using the puppet voice) But Dipper, who could hate Bear-O?
Dipper: I can think of a few people.
(Cut to flashback of Mabel performing with Bear-O in front of a group of small children)
Mabel: (singing) They're quite a pair! Mabel and Bear-O, her un-bear-lievable bear!
Unnamed kid: (sobbing loudly) I hate Bear-O, mommy! I hate it!

Season 2

Soos: Dudes, stay calm. Ive been training for this movie my whole life. With all of the horror movies Ive seen, I know literally everything there is to know about how to avoid zombies.
Zombie Behind Soos: (CHOMP!)
Soos: Second thought, gonna flip the script. Can I eat your brains: Yay or nay? Seeing some yay faces over here.

     Into the Bunker 
Mabel: Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history!
Soos: My face is tired from doing this all day. *points at his face in a screaming pose*

     The Golf War 
Imagine Spot Pacifica: Ugh, the section for old lady clothes is over there.
Mabel: Oh, yeah? Well, the section for people who lost at mini-golf is OVER THERE! (points to exit)
Paramedic Xyler: (rushes in) We came as fast fast as we could!
Paramedic Cras: We heard a little girl got seriously burned!
Xyler & Cras: OOOOH! (high fives)
Imagine Spot Pacifica: I'm ruined!