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I'm telling you, something weird is going on in this town. Just the other day my mosquito bites spelled out "BEWARE." Stan:
That says "BEWARB."
Dipper: (reading Journal 3)
Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I must hide this book before he
finds it. Remember, in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust.
Mabel: Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything. (thinking:) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire!
Legend of the Gobblewonker
A human-sized hamster ball? (gasp) I'm
Stan: Wanna hear a joke? Okay, here goes: My ex-wife still misses me... but her aim is getting better! (beat) Her aim is getting better! You see, it's funny because marriage is terrible.
You all know me, town darling Mr. Mystery. Please, ladies. Control yourselves.
I made this sculpture with my own two hands! It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids!
Mabel: (stepping over a prone body)
Wow, your little knees must be sore... from jumping to conclusions! Ha cha cha!
Sherlock Holmes: Have you seen my magnifying glass? It's enormous!
The Hand That Rocks The Mabel
I successfully bezazzled my face!
"Pardon this garden"? I will pardon nothing!
Old Lady: If she says no, I'll die from sadness.
Doctor: I can verify that that will indeed happen.
The future is in the past! Onwards, Aoshima!
Homework's whack and so are rules! Tucking in your shirt's for fools!
Wendy: Well, I'm probably scarred for life.
Dipper: Yeah, that was pretty crazy.
Wendy: I think I'm gonna go stare at a wall for a while and rethink everything.
Dipper vs. Manliness
[approaching manliness testing machine] Time to manhandle this... man-handle.
I smell... (sniffs)
Dipper: You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks and being aggro all the time, but I'm starting to think that stuff's malarkey!
Dipper: You heard me, malarkey. So maybe I don't have muscles, or hair in certain places, and sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes I leave it on! 'Cause dang it, Top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason, they're catchy!
My name's Mabel. Pacifica:
That sounds like a fat old lady's name. Mabel:
I'll take that as a compliment!
Wendy: (in Dipper's Imagine Spot)
Oh, Robbie! You're a stupid, arrogant fraud! But kiss me anyway because you can play guitar!
Oh, Grenda, by the way, you sound like a professional wrestler. Grenda:
I wanna put her in a headlock and make her feel pain!
Candy: Maybe we don't have as many friends as Pacifica. But we have each other. And that is pretty good, I think.
The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!
I'm legalizing everything!
Dipper: Man, revenge is underrated - that felt awesome!
The Time Traveler's Pig
Here it is, Mabel. Our ticket to any point in history. Mabel:
Let's go get two dodos and force them to make out!
Mabel: And yes, I am a witch.
Barker: Welp, time to round up a mob. (lights torch)
Dr. Karate! You killed my father again!
You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns: in case some maniac
tries to sneak in a ladder!
The child gave me a taco!
Rumble: Never underestimate that I have punches!
Come on, no one even uses millimeters! That only makes you taller than me in Canada!
Stan: Oh, Gideon! I was looking for someone to try out my new Mirror Maze! Then again, you're an idiot. That's the end of the sentence. (walks off)
You must trick or treat... or die.
) I've been twaumatized!
Soos: (nonchalantly) I ate a man alive tonight.
Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning. Stan:
I don't know de meaning
of that word!
Stan: (singing) I'm Stan and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan wrong song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance.
Old Man McGucket:
You can run, but I'll still be in your nightmares!
Sometimes I think: is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet sweet, release of death?
Stan: See, I lied to you. In addition, I've been parking in handicapped spaces, shoplifting fireworks, and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines. Also, you're fat.
The Deep End
Mermando: There are some who call me (strums guitar) Mermando. This is because Mermando is my name.
Breaking stuff is so much fun! I am Dipper and I stink!
Come on, my Mom's age-inappropriate romance novels aren't gonna read themselves.
It all begins with this little fella: the pituitary gland. He may be small, but he has big plans.
Deputy Durland: A bearded witch chasing a talking pig!
Sheriff Blubs: My horoscope came true.
Hey, is this the fingerless glove store? I like things that are dumb. I'm Robbie.
I welcome you, death.
Hey, girl. I just wanna get real for a moment. And say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. You specifically. Not the girl sitting next to you, but you.
Stan: Finally! A good reason to punch a teenager in the face!
Robbie: Mr. Pines!
Stan: That's MR Pines to you!
Robbie: Wait... what?
Land Before Swine
Grunkle Stan! It's not safe for Waddles outside! There's predators! And barbecuers! Grunkle Stan:
That's just the natural order! It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious!
I know what you're thinking: Does it work for pigs? Ah ha ha, yeah it does work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!!!
Dinosaurs aren't magic, they're just big lizards! Get off my back.
Old Man McGucket: So there I am, fighting a raccoon for the same piece of meat, when our mouths get close, and we kiss accidentally!
Xyler: I also think it's radical!
Looks like Mabel's going to have to be the hero of the family now. I'll defeat Gideon with my grappling hook!
Dipper: (to Wendy)
What? You're leaving town? But we need you here! Soos:
Yeah, especially Dipper, because of his giant crush on you(Dipper glares at him)
... calyptus trees! Heh! The kid loves eucalyptus trees! Saved it.
Soos: Hey, is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?
Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained
Soos, I will pay
you to put your shirt back on.
Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass.
Mabel: And I brought Bear-O, my adorable childhood puppet! Hi-yooo! Ain't that right, honey? (making Bear-O talk) Did somebody say... honey? Hahaha!
Dipper: No! Creepy. Bear-O's creepy. Everyone hates Bear-O.
Mabel: (still using the puppet voice) But Dipper, who could hate Bear-O?
Dipper: I can think of a few people.
(Cut to flashback of Mabel performing with Bear-O in front of a group of small children)
Mabel: (singing) They're quite a pair! Mabel and Bear-O, her un-bear-lievable bear!
Unnamed kid: (sobbing loudly) I hate Bear-O, mommy! I hate it!
Into the Bunker
Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history!
Soos: My face is tired from doing this all day. *points at his face in a screaming pose*
The Golf War
Imagine Spot Pacifica:
Ugh, the section for old lady clothes is over there. Mabel:
Oh, yeah? Well, the section for people who lost at mini-golf is OVER THERE!
(points to exit) Paramedic Xyler
: (rushes in)
We came as fast fast as we could! Paramedic Cras
: We heard a little girl got seriously burned! Xyler & Cras
: OOOOH! (high fives) Imagine Spot Pacifica
: I'm ruined!