Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!)

I was certainly thinking of putting my -negative, really negative- interpretation of Joker from Persona 5 here, so you adding your interpretation of other fictional character here is fine to me.

(if you were asking, I turned my Persona fanfic into a original story, so said character moved from being Joker to a Captain Ersatz of Joker)

Watch me destroying my country

Regarding the theme of the Main character of my work, I think that is necessary said for what I am aiming.

My main goal is to show the aesop that it dont matter if you are a perfectly normal person, you can be The Hero if you try enough, even if you have to Screw Destiny and become The Unchosen One.

His Character Arc is about moving away from his own unresolved feelings and accepting that his I Want My Beloved to Be Happy still involves some selfishness and more importantly MOVING from said selfishness regarding altruism and starting to act in a truly altruistic way, is not easy, but is the right way.

And remember how I said that is not easy, but is the right way? There is other thing, Good Is Not Nice, or more exactly, Good is nice except when it had to be pragmatic. Bran is a subversion of the common Anti-Hero tropes, because while he is a Pragmatic Hero trained for a religion of other Pragmatic Hero es, Bran is not cold or insulting, he might go in Silly Rabbit, Idealism Is for Kids! when he meet a Honor Before Reason character, but he respect them way more than Anti-Hero es that go arround fighting for their own personal reasons.

Let Bran himself explain his logic: "Is better to be gentle and naive than to be selfish but smart, but the correct path is being both gentle and smart".

Bran is basically, a Pragmatic Hero that is also a All-Loving Hero.

His flaws as a person are varied, he is envious of his own friends, even if he deny it and more importantly, Bran is human, and his emotional biases had caused more harm than good.

He is also very emotionally sensible, when he starts acting cold it means that he is at his lowest point, and when he falls in love, he falls hard.

He is always contrasting with the other two protagonists, his romantic attract to Misao and his friendship with Makoto, which becomes a bittersweet rivalry driven for Ideological differences and a more personal event that both blame in each other.

edited 17th Jan '18 8:58:44 PM by KazuyaProta

Watch me destroying my country

Something a bit lighthearted, a couple of Pokemon characters I've had in mind in one form or another since way back in the RBY days. The girl of the two came about during Fire Red/Leaf Green. The boy, Will, has undergone some revision, up to and including while in the process of doing this profile, primarily in the form of his parentage. He started the son of a Pokemon professor, became the long lost son of a famous trainer, then not that and mainly an orphan fanboy. Now, to keep some of the characterization that came about from that but wanting something not convoluted, he's now the son of trainers who had an ugly breakup.

Assuming nothing bugs out, I'll use a folder in the relevant tropes since I overdid it a bit.

---

Name: Will Chapel and Fuka Reubens

Age: Will is 13, Fuka is 12

Personality:
Will is a consummate Pokemon battler. Nothing gives him greater pleasure than facing strong trainers. However, unlike many similar trainers, he has no ambition To Be a Master. After all, if he's the best there ever was, then who would he have to challenge? Nearly his every action is motivated by him asking himself what would give him the greatest difficulty.

Fuka is a Genki Girl who adores cute things. However, her idea of cute involves fangs, scales, and/or the ability to breathe fire. Having grown up around just such Pokemon, Fuka can be utterly fearless when it comes to dealing with them. She will gladly go out of her way for the opportunity to see or catch a Pokemon she finds cute.

Abilities:
While both are Pokemon trainers, each has their own specialties. Will is adept at teaching moves and developing unconventional tactics. Examples include his Spearow using his Double Team with just the right timing to throw off enemy aim or thwarting a trainer who could read minds by giving his Pokemon free rein to fight on their own upon realizing they can only read human minds. This allows him to frequently win battles he otherwise shouldn't and gains him a reputation that generally goes "the longer the odds, the better his chances".

Fuka's unusual definition of cute allows her to approach Pokemon most would be absolutely frightened of without hesitation. When faced with a Seviper and Zangoose, two Pokemon genetically predisposed to hate one another, causing damage to an area with their fighting, Fuka scolds them like a pair of naughty children and they submit. Then she decides to a catch them herself so they won't just start up again after she's gone. Under her watchful eye, they become her go to duo for double battles. Will suspects her skill with such Pokemon stems from the very fact she has no fear of them, she can treat them kindly in a way few other humans can and they respond in kind.

Weaknesses:
Will has a big case of Brilliant, but Lazy. For all his talent as a battler, his motivation, and thus his performance, can rise and fall on a whim, meaning he can lose battles he's capable of winning handily as often as he does the reverse. As an example, he hates fighting Gym Leaders. It's not because he thinks they're weak, but by the very nature of their position as testers for up and coming trainers, Will sees them as inherently beatable, which kills the challenge in his mind. None of his fast thinking and clever tactics show up in a Gym Battle because he had no incentive to call upon them. His skill with his Pokemon is also based strongly on his rapport with them as individuals. Forced to use a Pokemon he doesn't know well, his performance suffers accordingly. In a situation where he uses a Pokemon he already has, but not his Pokemon, he succumbs to Damn You, Muscle Memory! and gives commands and tries strategies that the Pokemon can't understand. Also because his fighting style is so individualized based on which Pokemon he chooses, Will can have a much harder time than most against opponents who have already seen him fight.

Fuka, meanwhile, is more on the Unskilled, but Strong side of things. For all the power she can command, she's not always adept at how to use it well. In a battle between Will and Fuka, Fuka's chances at victory would depend on overwhelming Will with power as early as possible. The more time she gives him to think, the more the odds swing his way. Fuka can also wind up in trouble because, having grown up around dangerous Pokemon to the point she finds them cute, she doesn't have the clearest sense is what is and is not dangerous.

Goals:
Contrary to many of their peers, neither Will nor Fuka have a true overarching goal in their journey. Will, in fact, delayed going on his Pokemon journey because he wasn't sure he should since he didn't have the same ambition he saw in the trainers that passed through his hometown of Blackthorn City. Fuka, on the other hand, saw the journey as an end in itself, rather than the path to a goal. Upon convincing Will of the same, they decide to travel together.

Role in the story:
The human protagonists in a setting I call "Pokemon Outcasts", these two travel around, visiting places that strike their fancy and having adventurers along the way. They're more aimless than most, preferring to not have any big single goal.

Will's Pokemon:
Jigglypuff (nickname Puri, first Pokemon, leader and Cool Big Sis to the rest. Not nearly as battle obsessed as her trainer or teammates, but can step up as needed and will do so if the others get in over their heads)
Spearow (first capture, saved from attack by a flock of territorial pidgey, small but fierce and loyal to Will. Will intended to release him after he was healed, but wound up using him in battle first and the two proved an effective team)
Nuzleaf (gifted by a woman who couldn't handle his energy following evolution from Seedot. One of Will's go to choices in battle because he's sneaky and tends to follow Will's train of thought best)
Cubone (second capture, presents himself as a stoic swordsman, Will thinks he's seen too many movies. Able to fight without needing direct orders, Will uses him as a kind of Confusion Fu, since he can give seemingly nonsensical orders and trust Cubone to know the good from the bad)
Monferno (captured as a Chimchar in a Safari Zone, crushes on Nuzleaf and evolves defending him. She and nuzleaf form a Battle Couple in double battles)
Rhyhorn (gifted to Will to help him learn how to handle raw power Pokemon, which Will has a difficult time with. Cubone likes to ride him like a steed.)

Fuka's Pokemon:
Gyarados (raised from a Magikarp, started her journey when its evolution in its aquarium destroyed her bedroom. Highly protective of his mistress, tends to emerge from its poke ball if it senses Fuka is distressed)
Seviper and Zangoose (Captured in a Safari Zone, scolded into submission and captured so they wouldn't cause further trouble. Fuka enjoys resting in Zangoose's fur while cuddling Seviper)
Aron (gifted to her by her mother, she eagerly awaits its eventual evolution to Aggron)

I'm not super-familiar with Pokemon past Diamond/Pearl/Platinum so I haven't made much of later gen additions. I'm open to suggestions, and some contenders for Will include Helioptile and Fungoos and, for Fuka, Zweilous or Mimikyu.

Backstory:
Will Chapel lives in Blackthorn City, in the Johto region, as an apprentice of his grandfather, the local Move Tutor. Will's grandpa took him in to protect him from his parents' increasingly ugly breakup and taught the boy all he knows about teaching moves to Pokemon. Shortly before Will's tenth birthday he obtained a Pokemon egg. Caring for it, he eventually hatched an Igglybuff, which he named Puri, after the 'Eastern' names for that line. He was largely content to battle trainers passing through to challenge the Blackthorn Gym, feeling he didn't possess a goal worthy of the worldwide journey young trainers often took.

Fuka Rubens is the daughter of a pair of Pokemon breeders who specializes in Pokemon most would consider ferocious or frightening. Growing up in her family's ranch around such Pokemon, however, Fuka has a strong fondness for them, seeing them as being as adorable as her peers might see a Jigglypuff or Clefairy. Her first Pokemon was a Magikarp that she lovingly raised in an aquarium in her bedroom for two years. This proved a mistake when said Magikarp suddenly evolved one day. While her home is repaired and now that she had a Pokemon capable of protecting her, Fuka was encouraged to start her journey. Like Will, Fuka doesn't have a set goal or destination. Unlike Will, she's not particularly bothered by this fact and enjoys the journey itself.

When the two meet, she passes this idea on to Will, who decides she's right. He decides to join Fuka and leave Blackthorn behind to see what he finds along the way.

edited 21st Jan '18 1:21:43 PM by sgamer82

Nice duo, they seems to be pretty fun characters, something that actually sounds from the Pokemon world. I like Will more than Fuka, but Fuka seems pretty fun too.

Fuka is certainly the type that usually ends up as the Pokemon MC, being someone that values the journey more than the destination, while Will just don't have one.

I like their fighting styles and how they contrast, also, nice team for both.

Also, Yuka should have the Hydreigon line, Mimikyu is overused when people want to talk about Creepy Good Pokemon, Hydreigon is more fierce (albeit, it's preevolutions are actually pretty cute)

Also, you should comment older examples before posting your own.

edited 21st Jan '18 6:30:26 PM by KazuyaProta

Watch me destroying my country

So Zweilous, then. I thought of Mimikyu mostly because I remember reading people faint at the sight of its true visage, which Fuka wouldn't do.

Re: Commenting on others. Ah, my apologies for that.

Veronica "Vee" Symms - At first glance, No Social Skills and The Social Expert seem mutually exclusive, though the reference to sociopathy when on the job probably explains it. I also imagine she probably is not likely to be convinced not to complete a job for moral or even financial reasons. She was contracted to do this thing, she's gonna do the things.

edited 21st Jan '18 6:48:04 PM by sgamer82

I'll be honest when I saw I'm not super familiar with Pokemon, but I'll still try my best to give this a fair critique for Will at least It seems as though your characters are very action-oriented, and a lot of your opening description is how they interact with their battles. I find Will's belief that Pokemon trainers are inherently beatable interestiing, especially because (I think) their whole purpose is meant to be a challenge. I'm curious what would constitute a challenge in his mind.

Giving him backstory with his grandfather sets yourself up for some rather powerful moments in the work if you let yourself set up those moments, especially in moments where Will might struggle. If they spent a lot of time together, then maybe some advice he bestowed upon Will could come back in a way that sees him through a real challenge. I'd be careful with the Brilliant, but Lazy trope; when done poorly it can make a character seem unrealistic (not quite Sue-ish) in their abilities or just plain unlikable. Laziness is not a virtue, and can get on people's nerves when used improperly. Will seems like a character that would be interesting to follow if you really allowed us to get inside his head, as well as if you explore his foil in Fuka.

—

A few years back my friends and I did a Pathfinder campaign in which I grew really attached to my character. I'd taken to exploring more of his backstory in depth, and when the campaign ended on a cliffhanger, I found myself wanting to explore even further what happened to him after the world essentially ended (for reference, the world was one with 3 suns and no night, with the twist at the end being that two of the suns were wards meant to prevent vampires and other dark creatures from coming back; those wards fell at the end of the campaign, bringing back night to the world). When I was diagnosed with depression a couple years later, I decided to actually write this story for fun, and it was a great way of dealing with everything. I wrote it for me, and I have no desire to publish it except maybe online in parts, but who knows.

The tricky this is that I'm only nearly done with Part 2, and it's already ~150k long. I am planning on making the end of Part 2 the end of the first "book," but that should tell you how massive of an undertaking I'm making this. It's a very character driven work too, so it's also hard to describe the plot per se.

It's hard to sum up who this character is quickly, but in the campaign he was the rogue of the party. Raz grew up in poverty, and circumstances led him to joining a drug cartel as a teenager. He became wrapped up in a life of crime, but slowly started realizing how awful it truly was and eventually tried to leave. When he did, though, his boss ordered his death, and Raz only narrowly survived the attempt on his life. From there he swears revenge not only on the organization he was once a part of, but on organized crime as a whole.

Name: Razimarr "Raz" Quartz

Age: Since the story covers several portions of Raz's life, he is different ages at different parts.

• In "Part 1: Childhood" he is 8-9 years old
• In "Part 2: Adolescence" he is 15-17 years old
• "Part 3: Cartel" covers a decade, ending when he is 27
• Everything past "Cartel" deals with the post-campaign, with "Part 4" taking place immediately afterwards.
• "Part 5:" 32 years old
• "Part 6:" has the largest Time Skip and yet covers the shortest amount of time, beginning and ending with Raz being 47 years old

Appearance: Raz is a catfolk, making him appear like the khajiit from Elder Scrolls. He has light, short grey fur with black tabby markings, much like his own father, and has gold eyes like his mother. Raz is somewhere between 5'6" and 5'7", and is of average weight. That being said, as an adult onwards he possesses a toned physique, though he isn't all that muscular or bulky, and definitely lacks strength compared to others.

Personality: Raz's personality changes over the course of the story as he grows of course, but most notably he is a determined man. Even as a child he resolves to escape his fate in a poor coal mining town and have a good life, something he pursues for several years afterwards. Raz is also a man who leaps before he looks, a trait that backs him into many corners in his adventures. Like his father, Raz struggles when it comes to coping with guilt or trauma, and finds himself seeking refuge at the bottom of a bottle or other substances. Though not much of an outward flirt, Raz is quite the philanderer, and frequently finds himself between the sheets with different women as a young man. He is also a loyal person, dedicated to his friends and loved ones to a point of risking his own life for their safety. He deals with selfishness and greed for a time, resulting from an impoverished childhood, but after freeing himself from the lifestyle that enabled his greediness he finds himself with deep compassion for those suffering from the same troubles he once faced.

Abilities: Raz has no supernatural abilities of which to speak, putting him at a disadvantage compared to a lot of characters in a standard fantasy world. That being said, he is an extremely stealthy individual, capable of finding places to hide or blend-in with even in plain sight. He lacks a formal education and suffers intellectually as a result, but instead compensates with an innate knack for street-smarts and improvisation. In combat, Raz is self-trained with a rapier and is quite skilled.

Weaknesses: Raz is easily attached to unhealthy means of coping with trauma, and often finds himself pushing away healing for things that make him feel good in the moment. He holds several insecurities relating to his relationship with his father, and his childhood abuse at the hands of his manipulative mother makes it difficult for him to fully trust others. Fears close connections with all but a few people due to a fear of abandonment.

Goals: Raz is a man desperately looking for his place in life, which is a persistent theme throughout the work. Eventually that place simply becomes replaced with a desire to find self-peace in his life.

Context: It's hard to describe a backstory given that the whole story is that of his life, but I'll try my best. Raz grew up in the slums of Coalfell: a poor mining town in a mountain range known as the Titan's Spine. Due to past cultural conflicts, catfolk are second-class citizens to the dwarven denizens of Coalfell, and as such most grow up in poverty. Raz was one such child. His parents, Nerharr and Cisna, were only in their late teens when he was born, and they were both orphans with no additional supports themselves. Cisna was an emotionally abusive woman who tormented her husband and manipulated her son, while Nerharr - the Sole Survivor of his own family - dealt with his lot in life by drinking. At the start of the story, Raz, an 8 year-old, and his best friend Terasas meet a catfolk traveler - named Jarrur - passing through Coalfell. They learn that he was an adventurer once, and after they are done pestering him Jarrur gives him a map of the world, inflaming Raz's desire to escape Coalfell. That same day Cisna abandons Raz and Nerharr, an event Raz blames his father for and leads to developing resentment. As a teenager Raz finally runs away, convincing Terasas to go with him, and the two arrive in a large city sometime later. After about six months in this city, Raz and Terasas meet a fellow catfolk girl named Mynai who is studying to be a doctor and helps them settle in. Despite coming from completely different lives Raz and Mynai fall for one another, and become a couple. His attempts to start a life in the city fail, and Raz finds himself turning to theft to get by. From there Raz eventually becomes embroiled in a life of crime, eventually breaking up with Mynai and parting ways with Terasas for more than a decade. After several years of a hollow, desolate life, Raz comes to see how destructive his life has become and tries to leave the cartel he's joined, only for the crime boss to make an attempt on his life. Raz lives, reunites with Terasas (who has since married and fathered a daughter), and recovers. From there the campaign occurs which I skip.

For the post-campaign context, Raz struggles with everything that's happened. With society essentially having been turned on its head due to the fall of true night, Raz reunites with Terasas and his daughter, and the three return to Coalfell. Raz's attempt to settle into a normal life fails, and in an attempt to cope with his regrets he becomes a vigilante that hunts organized crime.

(Condensed) Relevant Tropes:

• Action Dad: Becomes one in Part 6
• The Atoner: Raz's most definitive trope. Following his realization about all the evil he'd done in the cartel, Raz embarks on a quest to repent for what he helped give rise to. Even after burying his past associates, it takes a good amount of time for Raz to fully forgive himself.
• Badass Normal: Unlike a lot of individuals in his world, Raz has no powers of which to speak, relying solely on his wits and reflexes to get by.
• Catfolk: Similar to the Khajiit from The Elder Scrolls series
• Coming of Age Story: Parts 1 and 2 both qualify; Part 3 to an extent. Much of the early story is Raz desperately trying to find his place in the world while also trying (and failing) to prove that he's not like his father. Over the course of the early story we see Raz transform from a scared child to a determined young man, with such experiences as:
  • Running away from home to escape feeling trapped in poverty
  • Breaking the law for the first time, and learning how to steal for survival
  • Falling for a girl, losing his virginity to her, and ultimately having his heart broken due to his own insecurities.
  • His first kill in self-defense
• Berserk Button: For awhile, comparing Raz to his father would set him off, largely due to how apparent the similarities become. Upon accepting his past, Raz becomes far more angered by threats to his family or loved ones.
• Dark and Troubled Past: The entirety of Part 1 and Part 2, meant to demonstrate his fall to crime and the justification for his emotional detachments.
• Driven to Suicide: At the end of his time in the cartel, feeling like he has no way out of the life he's caused. He backs out at the last moment.
• Earn Your Happy Ending: After everything Raz goes through in his life, his story ultimately ends happily. Part 6 sees him rescue his son and bury his past once and for all, finally severing all ties to the cartel for good. The final scene of the story is him and his son watching the stars together, with Raz thinking to himself how beautiful they really are.
• Functional Addict —> Addled Addict —> Recovered Addict: Progresses through all these stages over his life. While a member of the cartel he becomes addicted to a drug known as Flame Dust, a narcotic that creates euphoria after a brief moment of pain. His addiction leads him to a point where he nearly kills himself, but with the aid of Terasas he eventually overcomes it.
• Happily Married: To Rysha Adari - the daughter of Jarrur from Part 1 - at the end of Part 4 onwards
• Heterosexual Life-Partners: With Terasas, having been friends since they were infants. Somehow even after parting ways several times throughout their life, their roads always seem to cross again, and it's in fact Terasas who saves Raz upon the failed attempt on his life. The two and their respective families eventually settle near one another, as revealed in Part 5.
• Honorary Uncle: To Terasas' children, but particularly to Terasas' oldest daughter Ariya.
• Hunter of Their Own Kind: Variation, as Raz isn't hunting his own species as a vigilante, but rather members of organized crime like he once was. Having been a high-ranking member of a cartel, Raz knows how they move, how they plan, how they retaliate, etc., making him specially equipped to track and hunt down members of organized crime.
• Innocence Lost: The whole purpose of Part 1 in the story, turning Raz from a hopeful child to a worn-down teenager forced to grow up faster than any kid should.
• Last Girl Wins: Ultimately falls in love with and marries Rysha Adari.
• Master Swordsman: Doubles as Gameplay and Story Integration. At one point in the campaign Raz and the other party members competed in a fencing competition featuring people around the world. He placed third in that tournament, losing only to someone who was a Physical God. His fencing skills begin developing in Part 3 and grow from there. He isn't unbeatable, especially against a far stronger opponent, but he does demonstrate considerable skill with a rapier.
• Matricide: Encounters his mother more than a decade after she abandoned him and his father, discovering the truth about her abandonment and her sociopathy, as well as the fact that she's become addicted to Flame Dust as well. When he tries to take the drug from her, she attacks him, and Raz kills her in self-defense. The horror of this act pushes him into a self-reflective depression and serves as the catalyst for his departure from the cartel.
• From Nobody to Nightmare: In multiple ways. Prior to Part 4 Raz goes from an impoverished child from a town in the middle of nowhere to a lieutenant in an infamous drug cartel. Following his departure from the cartel and his subsequent Heel–Face Turn to vigilante (Part 4), he goes from being an innkeeper trying to settle down to The Dreaded for organized crime in various cities around the world.
• Papa Wolf: As demonstrated in Part 6 when his youngest son is abducted, Raz will hunt anyone down if they so much as threaten his family.
• Really Gets Around: Spends a lot of his time in the cartel in-and-out of bed with a large number of women, most of whom are one night stands. He continues this behavior in the post-campaign, though to a lesser degree. By the time he meets Rysha he's all but stopped, having grown bored with the meaningless encounters.
• Retired Badass: Twice, actually. The first occurs at the beginning of Part 4, where upon returning home he opens up an inn that he lives out of, trying to establish a normal, adventure-free life for himself. This eventually fails, as he feels restless and as though he still needs to repent for his time in the cartel. The second time is successful, hanging up his sword for good once he speaks his vows to Rysha. He exits it again to save his youngest son in Part 6, but then happily enters it again.
• Sir Swears-a-Lot: Has a rather foul mouth, one that he only bothers to hide around children.
• Stealth Expert: Even shows this as a child. One of the reasons he gains attention in the cartel, ironically, is because the boss takes notice of how successfully stealthy he is compared to the other thieves. Later on as a vigilante, Raz's moniker even becomes "The Shadow of the Streets."
• Token Good Teammate: While in the cartel. Though surrounded by evil people, and far from good himself at the time, Raz was usually the one advocating for solutions that did the least amount of harm.
• Unlucky Childhood Friend: Childhood friend is debatable due to being teens when they met, and though they were briefly involved as a couple, Raz is ultimately this to Mynai, who marries Terasas instead after the latter Raz's best friend remarries. It's their wedding that makes Raz realize how lonely he really is.

edited 25th Jan '18 10:13:27 AM by randomdude4

"Can't make an omelette without breaking some children." -Bur

Will being on the Mary Sue-ish side has always been issue that's worried me, if I'm being honest.

Will's thing about Gym Leaders is intended to be unusual, and often confusing to people in-universe. To his logic, a challenge is both sides giving everything they have to win a battle. How strong and weak they are is secondary. In that sense, precisely because there meant to represent a challenge a Gym Leader can't do that. They're intended to be beatable, which to Will's mind kills the challenge because they're required to offer a way to victory.

In contrast, when fighting through a tournament preliminary/qualifier, he faced several opponents, some of which were weaker than a Gym Leader, but Will enjoyed every fight, regarding every one as worth eight badges combined, because every opponent fought with their full effort. He gets genuinely angry when someone who used the standard method if Gym Badges badmouths the prelim contestants

Another example I had in mind but didn't have a way to express in the trope lists is a competition Will enters and in which he defeats the front runner to win very early. He notices everyone else looking at him with despair, and realizes that each and every one of them will go into battle with him already expecting to lose. Knowing he won't get a real challenge from anyone now, he withdraws then and there. I've thought before that bookies probably hate him.

In short, he'd much rather risk being on the receiving end of a Curb-Stomp Battle than ever be on her giving end.

His grandfather being a source of sage advice is a good idea that, I confess, I'd not properly considered. His main purpose was as a way for Will to be knowledgeable about Pokemon moves and attacks, which are his specialty. As I've mentioned, Will's backstory has gone through some revision over the years so I'm still working a few kinks out of the current version of things, some of which have come up or been inspired just by doing the profile.

edited 25th Jan '18 6:21:16 AM by sgamer82

Wouldn't the gym leaders be fighting with their full strength too? I'm not quite sure where his logic holds up in that regard. There's nothing wrong with a character's logic being inconsistent in-universe, but don't try to create a sense of "rightness" in his viewpoint.

There's nothing overtly Sue-ish about him, though it is something to consider with the Brilliant, but Lazy trope. His laziness needs to be something that actually impedes his success, and that following success needs to be something he works at. Victory =/= intelligence. He may learn quickly, but that learning can't be as simple as a flick of a switch. Perhaps I'm reading into his character differently, but he seems to struggle with pride a little bit, seeing as he even considers himself above Gym Leaders. Advice from others will help make him more rounded, whether it be direct or indirect advice. Actually make him struggle in the story, don't have every side character agree with his opinions/views, and you should be find in the Sue department.

Also, really focus on the inner workings of your characters. I don't know anything of your story beyond what you've posted, but it seems like your work is very focused on the action sequences and the battles between the trainers. I don't speak for everyone, but I know when I read stories I'm most interested in the characters in them rather than what's happening. Action is the medium by which the plot moves forward, but people won't care if you don't give stakes or connections to the characters themselves.

"Can't make an omelette without breaking some children." -Bur

Not necessarily. Their purpose, at least to me, has always been as a way to test trainers going into the Pokemon League. Going by the character pages, because again I haven't honestly played the games since Diamond and Pearl, I read that there's a Gym Leader in one of the Black and White games, Cheren, that is actively not allowed to use his full power team in Gym Battles and has to use a lower team. Also, Will's issue isn't that he regards Gym Leaders as weak. He regards them as inherently defeatable. That's a distinction I think is worth making here. Their actual power is secondary. By the nature of their role, they can beaten, because if they were invincible they wouldn't be doing their jobs. To provide a contrast, in the anime I remember the reward for the Battle Frontier was to be inducted into their ranks. Will would be all over this challenge on the logic that, if they're testing your worth to become one of them, they aren't going to hold anything back so as to not let just anyone join them. That logic may be faulty, but there is at least a clear chain from point A to point B, I think.

In-story, characters don't typically agree with Will's logic, or at least can argue/advise that getting badges can be worthwhile regardless. His main companion, Fuka, doesn't really question it, but that's more because she's fairly go-with-the-flow and isn't of a mind to.

I think I've got his laziness impeding him well enough. He may come out feeling like the moral victor, but his attitude costs him at least two competitions and hinders his entry into the Pokemon League, where he really could get a challenge like he wants, because he just can't muster up the willingness to take on the Gym Leaders that'll get him there.

You mention he sounds prideful, but I don't intend him to be. Especially in light of the Spirited Competitor trope. If anything, the current iteration of Will I have in my mind is far from prideful, usually content to go with the flow, and possessing enough doubt that he holds off starting a journey in the Pokemon world because he's not sure he should in the circumstances. He enjoys the feeling of a challenge above all else, but has no significant ambition past that the way other trainers in games and anime alike do. In fact he's usually content to let Fuka steer the ship, so to speak, when they're travelling.

Still, now that you say it, I wonder if a small shift in attitude wouldn't be out of place. As in he acts noticeably more cocky or confident in battle than out. Like it's where he's most comfortable and capable. A Graceful in Their Element sort of thing. Something to think about there.

edited 27th Jan '18 5:50:37 PM by sgamer82

I can definitely see Will's logic there, and it's an interesting change of pace from the standard "To Be a Master" kind of goal. Overall, great job on both characters.

Raz is an interesting and well developed character (and I bet roleplaying as him helped a lot in that department). Out of curiosity, though, why does your story skip the campaign?

---

Here's a hero from my Pokemon Super Fic. The Symphora region is divided roughly into four zones, each with one main superhero dealing with the major threats. This one is the protector of the southwestern zone. She is the Fire-type member of the trio that April is looking to recruit.

My two main concerns at the moment are that (1) I think I'm defining her too much by her work, and (2) the other aspects of her personality feel a little tacked-on as a result.

Name: Ignatia Ironwood
Age: Somewhere in her 30's
Personality: Ignatia is a Mad Scientist who dabbles in several different fields over the course of her research on human fusion with/transformation into Pokemon. She is willing to risk her own safety (and only her own, if possible) For Science! ...and to keep that science from falling into the wrong hands.
Abilities: She's part-Charizard due to a Freak Lab Accident. As such, she can fly, breathe fire, and use pretty much any move Charizard can.
Weaknesses: Rocks (and anything else Charizard is weak to). Also, her flame breath is not as powerful as that of the real thing, so she prefers melee attacks.
Goals: She wants to use her work for good ^note Wow, that sounded way less narmy in my head, and is helping April save the world.
Motivation: Ignatia is driven by her burning curiosity. She chose to study transformation mainly because no one else had yet. She's also appalled at the stuff Stardust Labs does, which is why she does everything in her power to ensure the safety of others.
Role: The Smart Guy.
Superhero Origin: She attempted to replicate the fusion caused by Bill's Teleporter Accident in a more controlled manner, using a sample of Charizard DNA. The fusion worked as intended, but the separation went horribly wrong, leaving her stuck as a Half-Human Hybrid.
Relevant Tropes:

• Adorkable
• Alliterative Name
• Bad*** Bookworm
• Cute Monster Girl: Averted. She is a monster girl, but she is anything but cute. (What I'm going for here is to make her likable enough that the reader won't care about her appearance once they get to know her.)
• Draconic Humanoid
• Flying Firepower
• Floral Theme Naming: Although she's not the regional professor, she is a professor, and has a tree-themed last name.
• Guttural Growler: Post-accident, in an aversion of Voices Are Mental.
• Mad Scientist
• My Instincts Are Showing: Quite prone to this, especially when her Blaze ability activates. ^note For those who don't know, Blaze is the standard passive ability of Fire-type starter Pokemon, which boosts the power of their Fire-type moves at low HP. Outside of battle, the trope is often Played for Laughs.
• Never Hurt an Innocent: She hates Stardust Labs' needless endangerment of innocent lives, and would never dream of doing the same.
• Omnidisciplinary Scientist: Her research requires knowledge from a number of different fields, although she's not an expert in all of them. Her skills allow her to take Kevin/Aqua Jet's place as the team's Gadgeteer Genius when he decides not to join, albeit less specialized.
• Professor Guinea Pig: She tested her fusion device on herself. To be fair, she did ask around for volunteers first, if only to prove to her concerned lab assistant that no one else would be willing.
• Secret Identity: Averted, because why bother when you're stuck that way? Having her identity known poses its own problems, but at least she doesn't have to make up some lame excuse to leave when the day needs saving.
• Steven Ulysses Perhero
• The Idealist: In contrast to April's cynicism.
• Weapon Of Choice: I'm not entirely sure what her main Pokemon will be ^note because I'm making up a region and haven't created all the Fakemon yet, but she uses mostly Pokemon that can fly (regardless of whether they are actually Flying-type or not), including a Skarmory that helps cover her Rock-type weakness.

edited 1st Feb '18 9:50:02 PM by AgentKirin

My main reason for skipping the campaign in my story boils down to three points:

1) I personally view the campaign as not being Raz’s story, but the story of the entire party. I don’t feel like it would be fair for me to turn what was a group experience into being about just my character.

2. I don’t feel comfortable writing my friends’ characters for them. Similar to the above, it was a group adventure. It’s not my right to take charge of interpreting how their characters sounded, or how they’d react in scenes that would call for more elaboration.

3. And this is probably the biggest reason, but tonally it’s very different. Our DM at the time has a goofy sense of humor, and there were many odd moments that happened that would seem jarring in tone compared to how I’ve written things for Raz’s chapters. Rewriting the campaign for the sake of my story seems super disrespectful to everyone involved, so I’d just rather not touch it and skip to what happened afterwards for Raz.

Also I’ll write up feedback for your character in the morning. It’s late where I am and I’m not coherent enough to write anything of value.

"Can't make an omelette without breaking some children." -Bur

now i rarely review fanfic characters all that much but so far I'm interested in the angle your going with her. Though, perhaps elaborating on her personal class and traits would help in the long run. I have one question though, want does she exactly look like? Petting zoo person with a easy on the eyes face (for a humanoid charizard) or just ugly? I like to get a basic idea for that.

edited 3rd Feb '18 7:23:04 PM by ewolf2015

MIA

Ignatia's in the "Borderline Petting-Zoo People" category on the Sliding Scale of Anthropomorphism. She has the wings, tail, horns, claws, and scales of a Charizard, as well as slightly altered proportions, though I'm not sure whether she'll keep her hair or not.^note If so, it'd be blond, about shoulder-length, and in a somewhat messy ponytail. As for her face, it's somewhere between the Lizard and an Argonian.

I’m not up to date on the latest Pokémon stuff, but I will say that you don’t seem so much to be defining her work, as you’re kinda talking about two different characters. Sounds more like she would keep an eye on Stardust, rather than be on parrol throughout the city.

——-

‘’’Name:’’’ Marko, Scarf-wielding pilot

‘’’Age:’’’ 17

‘’’Personality:’’’ Usually keeps to himself, and prefers to forgo any social tact. Otherwise, he is very mellow. Any humor he sees is usually the type that’s at someone else’s expense.

‘’’Abilities:’’’ As stated by the title, and going for the absurd, his scarf is used as a whip and grapple. That and he can run at impossible speeds. And also as mentioned, he knows how to fly a plane.

‘’’Weaknesses:’’’ Independent to a fault. Even when he is working with others, pissing them off takes little effort. Also, take the scarf and he’s essentially unarmed.

‘’’Goals:’’’ Overthrow a major player in the bad guys of the WWII stand-in (there’s a trope for that, right?)

‘’’Motivation:’’’ Do something he can congratulate himself for, and also looking for direction in life.

‘’’Role in the story:‘’’ Going AWOL, acting as an independent entity, during the war.

‘’’Backstory:’’’ Some of Marko’s disposition can be attributed to the ridicule of his unusual hair. Names like, “Christmas Tree,” or “Father Christmas” were common. The war rolls around, and Marko weasels his way into the army—being underage and everything. This is done somewhat out of patriotism, but mostly it’s to run away and go to places that aren’t home.

‘’’Relevant Tropes:’’’ You Gotta Have Blue Hair: Dark green in this case. Scarf of Asskicking: Taken literally. Super-Speed Adventurer Outfit: Old-fashioned bomber jacket. Clothing Combat Goggles Do Nothing I Work Alone [[Expy]]: I admit it, he’s a very subtle one of Sonic The Hedgehog.

EDIT: Is formatting broken?

edited 7th Feb '18 8:37:56 PM by TroPartner

Why Sonic is in WW 2?

Seriously, I like his powers, it seems to create a lot of amazing and funny situations.

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I wonder if I can put a Villain Protagonist here, to generate more answers?

edited 8th Feb '18 3:31:01 PM by KazuyaProta

Watch me destroying my country

Ignatia isn't the only superhero in her zone, just the main one (partly because she's one of the few supers who doesn't have a Secret Identity getting in the way). Also, while Stardust is her original motivator and Arch-Enemy, she wants to protect the innocent in general. You're right, though, she does seem more suited for a Thematic Rogues Gallery than patrolling the zone. I might need to tweak the character.

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Nice character. Desperately Looking for a Purpose in Life is an interesting goal, and his abilities are pretty well thought out, too. I'd like to know more about his backstory, though, as there's nothing between "was picked on because of his hair" and "joined the army." (However, what you do have makes sense.) Also, is this the main character?

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I would guess not (since the threads are labeled "hero" and "villain" rather than "protagonist" and "antagonist"), but I don't know for sure.

Yes, main character. After watching playthroughs of the Sonic-inspired Freedom Planet, it’s gotten to me as well.

As for additional backstory, I’ve thought of him coming from a less-than-glamorous neighborhood.

Name: Yahweh, YHVH, Metatron, God, the ultimate Jew.

Age : It even matters?

Appareance: A lot of avatars, a Living Shadow, a Giant Eyeball, a humanoid middle Easterner man in a European armor with symbols of the Three Abrahamic religions, a humanoid Grandpa God Humanoid Abomination and a Mini-Mecha-looking armor that looks like the Turn A Gundam. He had a lot of avatars.

Personality: Depending of the Avatar,

The Jade Emperor is a stern and rigid man, righteous and able of compassion, good ruler, able to inspire others but not exactly a jolly man. He is totally driven for his duty towards humanity yet he's still "human". Definitely the most human of the avatars, a righteous deity, he's a Composite Character between The OT Yahweh and the Chinese Jade Emperor. The ultimate Grandpa God (despite looking like a 40-50 years old).

The Divine Shadow is a Living Shadow that serves as The Shadow Archetype of the others avatars, despite that, he's Not So Different from the other avatars and he's basically, a Giant Dark Is Not Evil being, despite his unsettling appearance. He's (he identifies as male) The Sacred Darkness given form, his personality is cold, alien and sometimes even sadist. But he's firmly working for a way to "save humanity". He's basically a heroic version of the Anti Spiral.

The Cao Dai is a giant eyeball. A very alien creature that mostly serves as a mean to contact the other avatars, usually the Divine Shadow. When it speak, it shows a believe in that Humans Are Flawed, that they can be saved but that it needs a lot of effort. It lives inside the system of the Merkabah, a computer that fuses the powers of the angels alongside computer systems. He's the most stereotypically Godly of the bunch.

Goals : For all of them: Take Over the World and reach The Singularity

Backstory: Yahweh was "born" as Enlil, the brother of Enki they lasted will become one with his son Assur and Marduk, if that distinction even existed... Yeah, gods work like That, deal with it). They both ruled in their own celestial reigt, together until they realized that they lived in a world way bigger than their reign, in that, they fighted against Tiamat and defeated her, funding the Kingdom of Babel, who was lead for Enki/Marduk. Things were good and the two brothers lead in harmony leading the "Ancient humanity" to a golden age, that expanded humanity for the entire universe. Until The Axis Mundi awakened and started to destroy the civilization, Marduk was reckless and tried to fight against the Nature instead of hiding away and planning a counterattack like Enlil/Assur wanted.

It back fired and the whole world was destroyed, society went back to the Bronze age and Babylon formed again, this time to be the Babylon that we know in our history books. Marduk took it over again, but Assur, worried about the reckless behavior of his brother/cousin decided left him, wanting to search his own way. A choice that Marduk respected, both brothers parted ways apart and so, Enlil was gone.

He did traveled for the world, becoming fond of a tribe which later would become know as the Jewish people, to simplify things, just say that the OT happened between him and the archangels trying to know how to create a ideal culture to show it to the world. He also did make travels to Asia, mainly China, where he meet a godess which later would become Xi Wangmu, the mother godess of China and befriended her, Yahweh started a series of alliance with other gods which later would be know as "The divine alliance" and they started to control the influence of other gods in order to avoid a new awakening on the Axis Mundi. They eventually clashed with Marduk, who actually wanted re start the old Age of Heroes and Gods, Marduk and Yahweh fighted over it and Yahweh won, killing Marduk, whose soul got lost in the Dreamlands. Afterwards, The Divine Alliance was formally formed and it ruled the world for centuries,until Lucifer escaped when the help of Sophia and used the Tower of Babel to destroy Yahweh, Killing him.

Yahweh' soul survived divided in several parts, every one with its own personality, the angels did save a part of his soul and used as their new God, the other parts did live in The Dreamlands, far away from the other humans and demons. Yahweh left Ten McGuffin s after his death, the Kabalah spheres, powerful orbs that reunited, could manage to do something that was deemed impossible. Take over the power of The Axis Mundi, the ultimate Take Over the World and remake it in In Their Own Image, of course, the spheres were just part of a more complex machine, The Tree of Life.

Yahweh, currently lives in the form of several avatars that are parts of the same entity.

__________________________________________

Tropes related to Him :

A God I Am : Literally. His whole plan of Take Over the World is due to want to be the real, omnipotent God.

God is Lawful Neutral

Take Over the World : His endgoal, he's not doing it for selfishness, but to remake it in a better way.

Big Good : He's the entity that fit the role better, being related to almost all heroic organizations.

Cain and Abel: He and Marduk... Is mutual, they're both the Cain and Abel. Of course, that explain why God was so angry at Cain, he reminded he of his past.

Rightful King Returns: That's how his allies react at the news of his possibly resurrection.

Reasonable Authority Figure: He's both Yahweh and the Chinese Jade Emperor, he's the God of this trope.

Literal Split Personality : How his avatar works.

Eldritch Abomination : Several of his avatars.

Living Shadow : The Divine Shadow, who is certainly the less friendly of them.

Light is not Nice : He's firmly a rightful king that lead his people to a bright future, but he's not a Nice Guy. At least before He Took a Level in Kindness after forming The Divine Alliance. Now he's just Good Is Not Soft, and how.

Light The Way : He's God, he obviously can use Light Powers. He is incredibly skilled at them.

The Sacred Darkness : Using Dark powers isn't alien to Him, When He uses them, he certainly invoques The Trope. Keep in mind that in this Verse, Dark Is Not Evil, so is not like he's a Evil Dark Wizard trying to be a God of Good.

King Of Gods : Of course, as The Founder and leader of The Divine Alliance, He's this.

Tin Tyrant : He's Good, but damn that He likes the Metallic Aesthetic of this trope, Up To Eleven when he becomes Metatron-Sabaoth, who is basically a Animated Armor mixed with a Mini-Mecha. His humanoid form prefer a Green Armor with Golden and White Motifs.

Power Armor : Played with. He is able to fight without his Armor, but He prefer using it. Is a Chinese Armor with some European design in it. He's The Jade Emperor as much as he's Yahweh.

Evil Overlord : How his enemies like to paint him, He certainly does fill some of the traits, and He looks like one, Him not being one is one of the biggest plot points of the series.

Stone Wall: When he's The Jade Emperor and is not wearing his armor, he's this. Powerful in many levels, resistant to everything. Amazingly Slow, all changes when he's wearing his armor.

Lightning Bruiser : When He's in his Battle Armor, he certainly is this trope. Fast, Aguile and durable. Sadly, using Him is basically a Forbidden Dangerous Technique to poor Brandon, who is the human that Yahweh is using as his link to his world.

Forbidden Dangerous Technique : There two moves that can't be done without putting someone on lethal danger.

One is the very act of summoning Him, Brandon Harlaw might he strong enough to survive it, but doing that is extremely exhausting , as a Rule, Bran always ends up unable to stand up after using Him.

The other is Yahweh, on his Metatron form, using his Wings of Fire, while they're a powerful move than Can incinerate practically everything. They're also too powerful and don't care if you're an ally or a enemies. The Green flames of Yahweh as The Jade Emperor is a similar case.

Pieces of God : Several ones, some are sentient but others not, the ones that aren't sentient can do things as being used as a power source for people that don't agree with Yahweh at all. Special mention to the Jade Staff, a magical artifact that is used for a Alternate Universe version Bran, who sacrifices it to help the "main" universe Bran. Is complicated, it involves a lot of Plans and Bran being The Unchosen One in multiple universes.

edited 20th Feb '18 6:36:30 PM by KazuyaProta

Watch me destroying my country

To summarize, Yahweh is a Deity whose plans are ambitious and done in benefit of mankind, even if he had to play dirty. He's genuinely altruist, and his several avatars serve as several mirrors to the Deity that YHVH want to be.

He is pretty much a morally ambiguous, but ultimately positive figure that works as one of the many candidates to Big Good in the series, whose plan involves the gambits of many, many characters of the story.

Basically, God Is Good meets God Is Flawed

Watch me destroying my country

Interesting story-wise, but I'd advise caution in how you handle the concept. Sorry I'm unable to remain objective enough to give more useful feedback.

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Here's another hero from my Pokemon Super Fic. This guy watches over the Symphora region's southeastern zone. He's the Water-type of the trio that Intrepid Reporter April is trying to recruit.

Name: Kevin King (aka Aqua Jet)
Age: In his 30s
Personality: Kevin is a mechanic who offers a helping hand wherever he can. (Emphasis on "wherever he can.") He's very outgoing and talkative as well, and will even strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. In his superhero persona, his extroversion is turned Up To Eleven, with an Awesome Ego to match.
Abilities: He has water-based powers ^note including the ability to hold his breath for a really long time, and made a suit of Powered Armor to enhance these powers and to avoid being a Squishy Wizard.
Weaknesses: He may be confident, but only against foes he's familiar with. He won't put himself in any real danger, and will find a convenient excuse to be anywhere else should an unknown threat arise. In battle, he has the same type weaknesses as Empoleon, and without his armor, his powers are actually rather weak.
Goals: He wants to maintain his (alter ego's) reputation as a reliable crimefighter, but he also wants to live a safe, relatively normal life outside of that.
Motivation: Beneath his cheerful exterior, Kevin feels a strong need for external validation.
Role: The Big Guy / Genius Bruiser ^note and eventually The Brute.
Superhero Origin: When Kevin first acquired his powers from radiation exposure, he had no real desire to use them. However, when he found out that the company he worked for was the one supplying the local supervillains with their gadgets, he started designing said gadgets with intentional, easy-to-exploit flaws, and created a superhero persona with which to defeat them. However, the fame his victories earned him soon went to his head.
Relevant Tropes:

• The Adjectival Superhero: Known as "The Undefeated Aqua Jet."
• Alliterative Name
• Animal-Themed Superbeing: Based on Empoleon.
• Awesome Ego
• …But He Sounds Handsome
• The Cape: Subverted. He comes off as one, and definitely means well, but just doesn't have the courage that the trope entails.
• Cool Helmet: One that mimics the trident-like crest on Empoleon's head, with a beak-like visor obscuring his eyes.
• Engineered Heroics: Downplayed. He doesn't plan any of the supervillain attacks, but he does help design their gadgets, so he knows the villains' weaknesses. In other words, not so much "engineered" as "rigged."
• Expy: Sort of a composite expy, borrowing a few traits from Captain America, with some inspiration from Captain Hammer as well.
• Gadgeteer Genius
• Genius Bruiser
• Luckily, My Shield Will Protect Me: The armor includes a shield, shaped similarly to Empoleon's wing.
• Making a Splash: His powers are rather weak on their own, though.
• Miles Gloriosus: He picks his fights carefully, and only chooses the ones he knows he can win. This flaw leads to him refusing to help April save the world, and the Big Bad exploits it for all its worth.
• Powered Armor: Also boosts his otherwise weak powers.
• Secret Identity: Mostly out of a desire not to have supervillains targeting him constantly.
• Shout-Out: The name "Kevin" was derived from the 3-2-1 Penguins! character.
• Steven Ulysses Perhero: Downplayed. His last name, King, fits with Empoleon being an emperor penguin. (His first name could also be considered this on a meta level.)
• Super Not-Drowning Skills: Can't hold his breath indefinitely, but still for an impressively long time.
• Weapon Of Choice: He doesn't fight crime alongside his Pokemon, because (1) he knows how to exploit his enemies' weaknesses on his own, and (2) someone might deduce his Secret Identity from his team. Thus, his shield is his weapon of choice.

edited 28th Feb '18 8:37:55 AM by AgentKirin

Interesting character, why he does become The Brute? I am interesed in how he works in relation to the villains.

Watch me destroying my country

The Big Bad knows that Kevin is admired by a lot of people in his zone, and that convincing him to join <team currently unnamed> will make it easier to win his fans over. The villain finds out about his cowardice upon noticing the pattern in the opponents he fights, and uses this flaw against him by offering him a safer way to "save the world" (i.e. one that does not require him to fight the apocalypse duo).

For maximum dramatic tension, I'll probably have him fight against the heroes during the climax, having overcome his flaw after turning to the dark side. After all, a Face–Heel Turn shouldn't get in the way of some positive character development.

Said villain is lying to him or there really a safer way to save the world, because honestly, wanting to save the world without fighting against a duo of Oympus Mons is totally moral.

Watch me destroying my country

The alternative the villain offers is evacuation - <team that still has no name> plans to escape when the Olympus Mons arrive. The catch is that only those loyal to the team's leader are going, leaving all the outsiders to die, so they can come back and take over when the chaos subsides. So while this path is safer from Kevin's point of view, it only saves a handful of people that the Big Bad wants to save. The heroes, on the other hand, are trying to save everyone by preventing the destruction in the first place.

Also, thanks for pointing that out. I didn't realize how much I was veering into Protagonist-Centered Morality territory.

Why they cant Take a Third Option? There a group that will ran away while the heroes try to save the world, if they fail then a single group would survive.

Not that I said that the other team is right, their plan is already based on whatever the leader choose to be saved. Is pretty bad.

Watch me destroying my country