Okay, I didn't get any feedback on mine, and the person who went after me and didn't bother to critique already posted a thing on his and was just adding tropes. I don't see why he couldn't have edited his post rather than doing the thread equivalent of cutting in line and getting more feedback on a character he already got something on.
edited 3rd Aug '15 6:41:40 AM by JewelyJ
So, Jake is basically a very dark deconstruction of the Revenge Of The Nerds type character? Seems legit, sounds kinda like Andrew from Chronicle.
This shall be my true, Start of Darkness
Shin Megami Tensei IV
I want make a re write of Yoshino. I make it.
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
Same opinion too. Jake sound cool.
Sorry to seem annoying but...I'd really like a critique, if that's okay.
Name: Ambrose Lasko
Age: Died at 33. About one thousand years old or so
Personality: Originally in his life, Lasko was a narcissist and had a mild case of sociopathy. For the most part, if he loves he loves selfishly and sees people as his. His father was his means of survival and housing. Aside from moment of lost temper, Lasko was never one for senseless violence however. If he did something, he usually had a point to it. Even his magical experiments on animals took care and he made his subjects lives as comfortable as he could, as ailing and damaged animals mean poor results. He had some charm and shallow charisma, but he avoided people for the sake of his work. He is goal oriented. He is also very egotistical and arrogant and for the most part he sees no purpose in remorse and only seems to have it when it effects him. The deepest emotional reaction he ever had, was to his own death in a freak magical accident. His heroes, the sorcerers he looked up to the most were the ones behind the mysterious ancient experiment known as the 'Ancient Sin', a project in magical human experimentation that, as Lasko would find out later, created the Psi, which Lasko had long envied for their power. He felt betrayed when he met the very same sorcerers at his own afterlife trial and found that they themselves regretted their project.
His years in the afterlife have not done much for his sanity. After a bout with depression following his sentence, Lasko started studying up to find everything he could do as a lich to get power back, and make himself the super being he wanted to become in life, by making deals with humans for parts of their soul. He studied more into the 'Ancient Sin' from the tomes of history contained in Limbo, where he was imprisoned. He found out that some of his father's ancestors, who his 'strange sorcerer relatives' came from were involved in early parts of the experiment but dropped out when they got in too deep or were killed. Lasko decided that since no one else would take credit for this project, he would and he decided that the entire Psi race is "his". He spent years making deals , usually with Psi to obtain a bit of their souls and their power with it.
He aimed to eventually strike deals with the powerful families in Psi society so he could properly puppet his creations as he needed to, to keep them- the products of magical and scientific achievement, alive as long as possible. Eventually he struck gold with just who he needed, Kagami Toyaka the slightly unbalanced daughter of a runaway Japanese noble and a Russian Psi family, She wanted to live as long as she could, and that's exactly what Lasko had in mind.
Lasko is highly adaptive and a quick learner, always aiming to learn exactly what he needs to stay in the game. He is somewhat insane deep down, but wiley and somewhat charming. He has an incredibly macabre sense of humor and gets a strange thrill out of getting killed in as many ways as possible, only to come back and shock humans. He's strangely proud of his "murder count". He looks down a bit at humans in general, and sees them all as toys, with the Psi and their nobles as his "favorite toys". He has a special relationship with Kagami in particular seeing her as both depraved and fascinating as well as useful. Also perhaps she reminds him of a certain someone.
And of course he still has hisenormous ego.
Abilities: Lasko comes back every time he's killed. Poisons can get him drunk but not kill him. He has limited basic sorcery and the ability to use just about every Psi power thanks to the souls he's collected. He can effect just one person , making it so he only appears to them, having a few characteristics of a ghost but more solid.
He is very good at talking people into things and messing with their minds, having had lots of practice through the years. He's incredibly adaptable when his plans don't go his way.
Weaknesses: Lasko is incredibly egotistical and narcissistic. He can underestimate someone's ability to resist him and stand against him. He is not always good at predicting just how something will turn out and he can be overambitious in his attempts to maneuver people. His inability to understand true and genuine remorse makes it hard to always understand his puppets.
After his death he was stripped of all his magic ability, having to start from scratch in stealing what he could from people's souls, making his magic ability as an undead rather basic. He can also be weakened through the use of his true name, which is why he often introduces himself as something different with each client. The only client who knows his true name is Kagami, because of how long they've been working together, as well as select others in the Toyaka family, eventually. He cannot be rekilled but he can be contained with a powerful enough container. Goals: He wants to keep the Psi going on forever both because of their status as the result of the Ancient Sin, and Lasko's delusional belief that they're 'his'. Also he wants to keep them around to “stick it” to the creators who are ashamed of their work.
Lasko sees it as his duty to keep the race going. Which also means keeping them from killing each other off in their wars. He has also recently developed a particular connection to the Toyakas. He especially wants to keep them around but he refuses to admit the true reason. He’s grown fond of Kagami. Motivation: He’s motivated by selfishness first and foremost, pushed forward by his lofty ambitions. He genuinely sees the Psi as his, and as time goes on his reasons for wanting to keep them around become more complex
Role in the story: Manipulative Bastard who pulls everyone's strings
Backstory: Lasko was once a very ambitious sorcerer , also a very bold one. He envied Psi which made him want to study sorcery to become like them- or better. He idolized the sorcerers behind the "Ancient project' also known as the Great Sin" who were said to have created a new race through their experiments. Lasko is willing to try magical experiments upon himself to make something 'amazing" out of himself. In one of his experiments he ends up calling hostile spirits which turn against him and kill him. Lasko is sent on to the Afterdeath and facing a trial. The trial is run by the ghosts of the sorcerers behind the Ancient Experiment. Lasko, still dealing with the grief and shock of his death, hopes to flatter and bargain with them to be returned to life so he can continue his work. However he is shocked, and angered to find that they too consider the experiment a horrible abomination that cost lives. They stress the importance of remorse, which Lasko struggles with the concept of remorse as well as the concepts of altruism and empathy.
He is sentenced to be a lich and sent to Limbo, a temporary prison. Lasko spends a century in a depressive slump before he is willing to accept his state and look into what he can and cannot do. When he finds out his new abilities and opportunities for power and plans to continue his earthy work even better than ever. He also does research into the "Ancient Experiment" and finds that someone in his fathers family was involved in the early stages. Also he learns that project created Psi.
Lasko decides that he is going to claim the Psi as his own and seeks to ensure that they as a race last for a long time (for the sake of preservation, you see). Being rather manipulative he plans to make a soul trade with some of the higher ups in Psi society and be able to properly manipulate them.
Relevant Tropes: Manipulative Bastard- Very much so Too Kinky To Torture- He loves being murdered. Loves it. Rather masochistic. However he is mostly asexual as far as attraction to people goes, only starting to fall for Kagami because of how she is similar to him- again, his ego. Tsundere- About his feelings toward Kagami.
Shin Megami Tensei IV
I waiting for a critique for Yoshino, too. I wait until i made the new write.
Lasko look like a cool villain. Also for the "tsundere" bit...how is worked. Is like a sort of creepy obsession sexualizated with rage (who is more like a Yandere) or a true and genuine Even Evil Has Loved Ones.
Seriously...the guy look interesting. I wanted read more of him. He is a dick. A dick with feels. 
edited 3rd Aug '15 9:12:32 AM by KazuyaProta
Watch me destroying my country
Thanks this really made my day.
It's the latter. I've always kinda liked the idea of that trope to play with and I meant to use it for some other characters before this, but they didn't seem to want to stay evil. So it got passed on to here.
Lasko slowly begins to care about Kagami because of their similarities. She does some awful awful things at one point that even he disapproves of, but he knows, knowing her, that it's because of her fixation with someone in her past. He sees this obsession ruining her, and it sorta just breaks his shriveled heart to watch. He soon takes matter into his own hands to snap her out of it before she goes any farther.
He's sort of a manipulator who ends up growing too attached to his "puppets". I decided even when I was writing bits of it that even though he was something of a sociopath I wanted to write him more like a 3-D character and not just a villain. Going through emotions and pain and all that.
He's a major character in a webcomic thing I'm working on.
edited 3rd Aug '15 1:07:20 PM by JewelyJ
Shin Megami Tensei IV
A Sociopath with emotions...i support you idea. I use a simmilar concept with Yoshino, she is a sociopath but i make pretty obvious who not every sociopath is "destined" to be evil. She has a obvious free will and she use this to make every thing for more power/money. She even has Character Development (From The Bully to The Sociopath, in three years).
Link for the webcomic, via PM please.
Watch me destroying my country
that guy
Are we allowed to post EldritchAbominations here? because those don't typically have weaknesses, or an age
this is my signature, there are many like it, but this one is a ripoff of something else
PAINKILLER
If it's a character or villain that needs work, it should be fine.
While weather and society are antagonists, they wouldn't work here, I think.
edited 30th Aug '15 4:13:07 PM by electronic-tragedy
Life is hard, that's why no one survives.
that guy
well first up is the critique for Ambrose Lasko. i think he's pretty solidly written, i like the idea of someone finally writing a soul trader who isn't just Satan with a different name, and people who have the sole (no pun intended) motivation of aquring power are always interesting to me.
now onto my villain, witch somebody else will critique
Name: negative
Age: literately infinite
Personality: n/a, negative is really more of a living cosmic force acting on instinct
Abilities: an infinite amount of energy to dispense and manipulate, can eat reality
Weaknesses: isn't immortal, and does need to constantly feed or will perish
Goals: negative is an entity who creates an entire reality, eats it, makes another one, and repeats
Motivation: instinct
Role in the story: main, overarching villain who is responsible for all the weird shit happening, like people being able to warp the laws of physics and universes exploding for no reason does end up damaging the multiverse beyond repair, but is killed
Backstory: none really
tropes: Eldritch Abomination, Sentient Cosmic Force, The Omnipotent
edited 30th Aug '15 5:13:52 PM by sliceofpi
this is my signature, there are many like it, but this one is a ripoff of something else
Serocco
Be careful with him - he can easily turn into a Game-Breaker because of how powerful he is. Map out what his powers do to the rest of the setting, figure out what works and what's too powerful, and make sure the cast can have something to counter him or for him to have something that can block him out or make him vulnerable.
I like this kind of villain, the big, (theoretically) unstoppable force, but the problem may be that readers/viewers won't really be able to rally against him (I mean, do you hate earthquake like you would a murderer?) That's good if you're going for Cosmic Horror Story, but other than that, perhaps some Mouth of Sauron could be added, as a Hate Sink of sorts.
Hm, let's post my villain and see if someone will have anything to say about him.
Name: Delian Shalle
Age: ~40 (looks about 80)
Personality: Shalle has little consideration beyond what is good for him and treats other people like furniture to use and forget. He's prone to rages, impatient and can be petty at times, mocking his adversaries. His main obsessions are immortality and power and he will stop at nothing to obtain both. His current state is a source of neverending frustration for him, magnifying his other vices. He believes himself entitled to whatever he wishes and does not consider any problems he may cause by trying to reach what's his "due". He prefers to ascribe failurues to external causes and not himself.
Abilities: A necromancer with access to power base of long-overthrown Evil Overlord.
Weaknesses: Is not much of a physical threat and if opportunity presents itself, he will gloat. His obsession with immortality and ignorance of others makes him blind to problems he'd otherwise notice.
Goals: To attain immortality.
Motivation: He believes himself entitled to become immortal and wants to stop his rapid aging.
Role in the story: Starter Villain who's partially responsible for the re-emergence of Big Bad. His kidnapping of Distressed Dude kickstarts the entire story.
Backstory: Shalle was born as the only child to a lesser noble family which spoiled him mercilessly and went completely bankrupt a few years after sending him to mage school. Mages' rules of ethics never sat well with him and in the end he was first demoted, then expelled. A budding Evil Overlord offered him joining his cause and Shalle accepted, using Black King's base to research immortality, but a failed experiment caused him to start aging rapidly. He unwisely attempted to use King's son for further research, which ended with him being kicked out again. After Black King's fall, Shalle went into hiding, continuing his research until he became sure he knew what to do and begun his plan anew, starting with taking control of a remnant of Black King's forces.
Relevant Tropes: Younger Than They Look, Starter Villain, Non-Action Big Bad, It's All About Me, Never My Fault, Black Magic, Necromancy, Suddenly Shouting, Immortality Immorality, Grand Theft Me
Rejoice!
A Highly Functional Idiot
So, your villain's a super-powered bully? ...that's not really used much in these Super Powered Coming Of Age stories. She has grant potential, if you keep this in mind, I'm sure she'll be a great character.
Oh, and don't fall into "Always Evil Bully" cliche. Add some layers. :)
The guy sounds like a even worse egotistical berserker than Doctor Doom. And that's saying something. .-.
Still, good start so far. I would add a little more to give him identity. Add a spin to one of his traits to make him stand out more.
edited 1st Sep '15 4:33:14 PM by Omninovva
You guys ruined my nonexistent life. Time to ruin yours by just BEING here.
Thanks. Yeah, I'm quite at loss as to how to flesh him out more... I was thinking about making him sort of creepily possessive, like some I Have You Now, My Pretty, only less "villain to pretty damsel" and more "kid to its toys" sort of thing, while at the same time super-hating his "possessions" because they (the Distressed Dude especially) have what he doesn't (DD's a young prince of a powerful country).
Not sure if I can pull it off, though.
Rejoice!
The future of warfare in UC.
Why? This isn't touched on, but it's the core of his motivations. I mean, yes, entitled to whatever he wishes, but he's probably constructed some kind of justification, this is sort of a big deal. It'd go a long way towards fleshing him out.
edited 3rd Sep '15 4:44:36 PM by Night
Nous restons ici.
How could I miss this?! Thank you!
Hm... gotta get down to thinking.
Rejoice!
Lucem Ferto
I quite like the idea of Delian, especially the way he is Younger Than He Looks. Perhaps you could add a few more personal traits like vanity, trying to conceal his elderly appearence by acting and dressing himself younger. That could immensely add to his creep-factor. Making him very touchy-feely with people he considers what he whishes he was would also add an extra disturbing layer to him. Maybe show the extreme lengths he is willing to go to attain his goal and what taboos he would be willing to break. I would also be interested if he stuck around in any capacity after a stronger villain shows up.
_ _ _
- Name: Archduke Lucian Glazir
- Age: 36 years old.
- Appearance: With his blond waves, defined facial features and porcellain white skin Lucian is the picture for aristocratic beauty. Having a tall and slender build he certainly isn't rugged handsome but falls more into the pretty boy niche. If it weren't for his piercing, bloodred eyes he would be counted amongst the kingdom's most beautiful. Though some say they add to his mysterious charme.
- Personality: Loves creating an air of sophistication around him, arrogant, always friendly, playful, cruel, vain, is entertained by the suffering of others, always scheming, proud, patronizing towards those who he knows despise it, loves acting caring and loving when everyone knows it's just a facade, narcissistic
- Abilities: Uses ice manipulation and has a knack for working out binding contracts. Is used to playing Xanatos Speed Chess and has no problem using every opportunity that opens itself up to him to his advantage.
- Weaknesses: Is one of the weakest physical fighters and his magical abilities, while passable, certainly hold no candle to his opponents'. While he is keenly aware of his own intellect he has the unfortunate habit of underestimating his opponent's own intelligence. This results in him often being struck with This Cannot Be! when his chosen pawns do not move in the way he intended for them.
- Goals: Finding or creating a perfect successor to the Glazir-family and passing on the family legacy.
- Motivation: As part of the binding contact that comes with inheriting the family legacy he is obligated to carry out the plans of his father and grandfather.
- Role in the story: At first seemingly Dragon with an Agenda to Big Bad Queen Morgana, revealed as Man Behind the Man for her and afterwards part of a Big Bad Ensemble with the other Archdukedoms.
- Backstory: Lucian was born as son to Lucius Glazir. During his whole childhood he was prepared to inherit the family legacy and continue the schemes his father and grandfather laid out for him. Lucius placed a huge burden on his son's shoulders and wasn't in any way loving or giving, having high expectations for him. Lucian was placed under the titulage of Lucius' old friend Aden. There he came into contact with Damian's mother Decess and formed a friendship with her. But that all changed, when he had to accept the family legacy after his father killed Decess yet failed to bring a young Damian under his control. After assuming his father's role as Archduke, Lucian exterminated all of his rivals in the kingdom's council and helped Queen Morgana into power. He later attempted another kidnapping of Damian and though he managed to kill the boy's father, he failed. Damian was placed under Aden's protection thus removing him from Lucian's reach. Afterwards the Archduke had no choice but to focus his attention elsewhere. He took two more apprentices, the young Belial and Vincent Vignes, who both later conspired to betray him. But Lucian remained, still in the council. That was when he decided: If he couldn't find a suitable successor, he would create one. With the help of Doktor Evan Arachnid he then went on to bring the most powerful being into existence.
Relevant Tropes:
- Abusive Parents:
- He is this to his son Colin. Not considering him adequate for the family legacy means that he is nothing more than a tool to be used and disposed of when no longer needed.
- His own father was this to him, never showing him any affection and treating Lucian with cold disgust.
- Archnemesis Dad: Again, he is this to Colin. After his son finds out about how Lucian reigns with Morgana he is determined to stop him no matter what.
- The Assimilator: In a way Lucian is this to everyone, whom he considers worthy of inhereting the family legacy.
- A Pupil of Mine Until He Turned to Evil: To Aden. Learning under him, the two had a very close bond. But once Lucius betrayed Aden, so did Lucian. Now Aden considers him his Arch-Enemy.
- Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: He is on the receiving end of this, being betrayed by most of his underlings at one time or another.
- Both Vincent and Belial turned out to be bastard understudies.
- He also ends up getting betrayed by his bodyguards Piero and Ares, who found a way to circumvent their contracts, which eventually leads to Lucian's downfall.
- The Conspiracy: Is part of a lot of conspiracies, though most of the time he is just a passive observer.
- The Corrupter: Acts as this towards Belial, who was tortured by Lucian in order to become an adequate successor.
- Deadly Decadent Court: Part of the kingdom's council and clearly enjoying himself handing out beheadings left and right, constantly scheming against the other councilers. To him this is just a game to pass the time, while searching for an adequate successor.
- Deal with the Devil: Hands these out like candy on Halloween.
- He made one with Ares, reviving his dead wife in exchange for his eternal servitude and life of his son. What he didn't tell Ares was that his wife would be nothing more than an emotionless Battle Butler for Lucian.
- Also struck a deal with Vincent, giving him a high social standing in exchange for his little brother
- Attempted to make one with Belial, though this particular one turned out to be to Lucian's disadvantage
- His last deal was made with the successor of his rival, Elias, granting him immensely (self)-destructive powers to fight Damian.
- Evil Gloating: Is prone to this when he faces an opponent that appears to be completely broken or defeated.
- Evil Mentor: Acts as this to three people throughout the story
- His first desciple was Vincent, who he taught in the ways of court, hoping of making him a Puppet King later on.
- Afterwards he tried to take Belial under his wing, giving him access to a lot of dark and forbidden spells.
- Lastly he intended for Charlie Cresswell, Damian's rival, to become his Puppet King, later using him to come into contact with Elias
- Faux Affably Evil: Always smiling and friendly even when ordering cruel death sentences.
- Hidden Agenda Villain: Nobody knows what his grandfather was after and Lucian isn't telling.
- Manipulative Bastard: Compared to his father and grandfather Lucian hasn't the big picture in mind, but loves abusing the weaknesses of others to further his goals. He is also by far the most politically inclined out of the three.
- Non-Action Big Bad: Lucian is a miserable fighters which is why he has a whole armada of bodyguards to do his bidding.
- Offing the Offspring: Is not afraid to do this once his son has outlived his usefulness.
- Smug Snake: No matter how smart and scheming he is, his inability to see strategic minds in others leads to his downfall. Belial especially proves that Lucian has by far not everything under control.
- The Sociopath: Completely self-absorbed, uncaring and unable to see the strength of the seven virtues, his inability to comprehend good prove to be his Fatal Flaw when Ares uses this to circumvent their contact and saves Colin.
- Soft-Spoken Sadist: No matter how cruel the torture he hands out, Lucian will always speak in a very mild manner.
- Used to Be a Sweet Kid: Before accepting the family legacy, Lucian was troubled, slightly haughty but by no means the Complete Monster he became afterwards.
- Villainous Legacy: Is part of one, furthing the plans of his father and grandfather, while searching for another to become his successor.
edited 5th Sep '15 2:10:53 PM by LewisLiddel
Check out my YouTube-channel, if you want
Thanks. As for him sticking around... hm, we're talking story with land of the dead and a necromancer as the hero, so the fact that I plan to kill him off needn't stop me. 
As for Glazir, I really like him! It seems to me like has all the telltale signs of being a Magnificent Bastard. The only problem is his tendency for This Cannot Be!. I see you're going for sophisticated and composed villain, but something like this will not really fit into this and may make the reader lose any respect for him. Perhaps instead of breaking into "impossible!" he could calmly analize his failures to figure out what went wrong?
Also, Evan Arachnid... this is such a cool name.
edited 5th Sep '15 3:05:36 PM by Kakai
Rejoice!
Ooh, I am reminded of Lord Arawn, in that he's not really a fighter, he's more a malevolent and intellectual evil force. Given he has The Corruption to work with, he's a lot more dangerous in this capacity. Most people say that these sorts of villains are tired, and old-fashioned, but I like a good twist on an old story.
Lucian generally makes me think of a thoroughly malignant devil figure / "Sorcerer", who would prove to be a big impediment to the heroes.
Hence, I'm also kinda getting Randall Flagg vibes, specifically his Flagg The Sorcerer guise.
- Name: Lord Regal Kalvin / “Lion-Mask Lord Eclipse.”
- Age: 62
- Personality: Kalvin is a depraved man with bizarre beliefs about beauty – in his view, the beautiful and powerful stand in a tier above all other humans, inhabited only otherwise by aristocracy. In Kalvin's view, non-aristocrats are not sentient beings, and as such he can treat and mistreat them in any way or fashion he wants. Yet in his view a true aristocrat attains tangible power, and those who rely on the power of others are not deserving of what they have. This in his mind calls for a “New Aristocracy”. Kalvin as a Lord Eclipse is one of the less overtly talkative, preferring simple and direct terms to flowery language, often making use of extremely mean trash talk, and similarly cruel jokes if he finds someone's death particularly amusing. Regal enjoys crushing people already downtrodden and in pain, often not even needing a reason for such activities. Even some of the other Lord Eclipses dislike working with him due to his personality. Of course Kalvin is not the type to take that kind of thing personally – as he was the protege of Tobias Brogan, the World War II Lord Eclipse, he feels he inhabits a unique place in the conspiracy. Kalvin has utterly no concept of “personal space” and is known to get rather touchy feely with protagonists while fighting them, usually precipitating a particularly cruel blow. He does enjoy physical mockery, like damaging something his foes hold dear, and then using a Breaking Speech on them. In many ways, Kalvin is the face of the Lord Eclipse Conspiracy, at least until his own death.
- Abilities: Regal has the ability to absorb Mana through his skin, an ability enhanced by his armor, making pure mana blasts useless, and giving him the ability to nullify his opponents enhancements on their own physical abilities. He has Khronos, which lets him age and decay things around him, or just as easily retrogress them back, often pairing the effects on people to make healing them difficult. Khronos also makes him, like other Lord Eclipses, a veritable God of Evil. He is immensely powerful, and so much as walking in a fertile area can reduce it to a charred, withered husk. His signature ability is called Shadow Spike, which lets him animate people's shadows, which enabled his infamous killing spree, tying this into powerful shadow magic.
- Weaknesses: He is less than capable against foes who do not need to amplify their natural abilities, and even though the Lord Eclipse Armor insulates him and he does not have any frailty of age, his reflexes are not as good as before, and he gets far too overconfident.
- Goal: Create a world where only the strong can survive. “The weak are either things we may hunt, or if it is beautiful, we keep it in our estate, to delight us.”
- Motivation: His skin condition, and “observations”, mostly consisting of the fact a younger Regal could never emotionally connect with any of the servants or common people he was exposed to.
- Backstory: He was born with a skin condition inferred to be Harlequin Ichthyosis, and as a result his magic-using parents had to struggle to help him survive – and as a result of the magical treatments done to him, he became extremely capable in terms of Mana Absorption, at one point fighting back against a physically more capable bully named Jack and almost fatally draining him among other things. The persistent string of failures rankled Kalvin, because his parents were among the richest in their community and he reasoned that they should be capable of healing him. They ultimately settled for a bargain with Parallaxus, the "Divine Dragon", who cut quite a lenient deal, but it was during this meeting he saw his "calling". Kalvin met Tobias Brogan, a Lord Eclipse from a long time ago, and this resulted in him being drawn into the conspiracy.
- Tropes:
- Academy of Evil: His "Marquise Academy", where he trains members of the Ecliptic Legion, the large army that, along with the Malus Cult, serve Lord Eclipse as commanders and troops.
- A God Am I: "Look upon the powerful, and recognize the Gods of the New Era."
- Ambition Is Evil: And he thoroughly backs any show of ambition, no matter how revolting the end goal is. Purely because he thinks this mindset, that the end justifies the mean, strengthens the individual.
- Antagonist Abilities: His Khronos Mark is notably more powerful, and while most of them can indeed shoot waves of decaying force
- Aristocrats Are Evil: His exact rank is unknown, though he is mentioned to come from a wealthy family and might well have been bad well before becoming a Lord Eclipse.
- Attention Whore: Ironically enough, despite accusing his nephew of being “all this gay stuff just for attention”, Kalvin himself cannot stand to be ignored. He's an utterly self-centered man.
- Bad Boss: While training the Ghoul Squad, he makes it very clear he punishes failure severely, and played with their feelings and drives, including playing favourites completely randomly. Despite his own words, he did not really care for one of them over the others.
- Baddie Flattery: Subverted - you really do not want Regal Kalvin saying you're beautiful. It precipitates him attempting to seize your beauty, by whatever means are available to him.
- Bandage Mummy: Under the armor, he's covered in bandages, scarves and pieces of cloth. This is to cover and help deal with his skin condition, which has resulted in bone replacing skin in certain places, and one of his eyes being unable to close.
- Beauty Is Bad: A recurring theme with him is the obsession with beauty drives some of his most depraved actions. His Grand-Nephew is called "beautiful by him" and is accused of "squandering his beauty on homosexuality". There's also the fact he tried to hire Dr. Lyle for some insane procedure to "make people beautiful". Lyle recognized it for what it was and didn't go ahead with it.
- Casting a Shadow: Kalvin's Shadow Magic lets him control and manipulate shadows. We see him strangle someone with their shadow, and at another time uses one to eviscerate someone from behind.
- Control Freak: Despises not being in control of people he deems his underlings / lessers.
- Dangerously Genre-Savvy: His powers aren't the only dangerous thing about him – he's smart, too. During an "I Know You're in There Somewhere" Fight scene, rather than stand around and gawk, Kalvin knew very well the person being broken out from the mind control would indeed break out. So he started casting a spell so that the instant Matthew was done, his success was rendered null and void.
- Dark Is Evil: His armor is notably darker than the armor preferred by other Lord Eclipses.
- Deadly Euphemism: He's fond of this, as part of his false gentleman persona. It even stays when he gets angry enough to be rid of that.
- Disability Superpower: Though rather more indirect than most - skin condition resulting in degraded skin + magic treatments = Mana Drain.
- Enemy Civil War: Kalvin's strike against Sharon's New Order's "Fake Superhero" team resulted in this, and he exacerbated it time and again.
- Evil Gloating: Kalvin absolutely cannot resist the desire to rub his deed / victory in someone's face. Including bragging that he got someone's son killed for being in the wrong place in the wrong time, and making a joke about one of his enemies, after he already decayed the poor guy's arm off...following by decaying off the other arm and chuckling, “And now he's symmetrical. The poor man languished far too long.”
- Evil Old Folks: Its very clear that age and the passage of time has not made this Lord Eclipse any less evil.
- Evil Sounds Deep: Regal uses an older voice changer, and as a result, his voice is satanically deep. Constantly.
- Evil Virtues: He extols the value of cunning, the willingness to backstab your friends before they backstab you, ruthlessness, and the willingness to survive by any means necessary no matter how barbaric.
- Faux Affably Evil: Oh, he is capable of acting nice and charming, and seeming eccentric. But its blatantly clear many times that this front is utterly dishonest, and he really just enjoys his activities ''that much
- Flaying Alive: Part of his obsession with beauty and his ideas of how to take it from people.
- For the Evulz: Regal's taste in insults together with his participation in the Lord Eclipse Conspiracy paint a picture that for all his homophobia, misogyny and hate, he's basically doing it all and saying all that simply because it hurts the people he's talking to more.
- Frame-Up: he cloned Matthew at one point and tried to frame him by having the clone run around killing people and worse.
- Gambit Pile Up: So much, his entrance into a more commanding role begets something that actually resembles a pile up of wrecked cars – Sharon, Francesco, Jasper, Amanda, The Cyborg-Matthew, Daemogaunt, Odin, Thor and finally Kalvin himself all have plans for what is to happen in the later phases of Book II, with a surprise appearance by Aaron Shayde and his son.
- Green-Eyed Monster: Regal Kalvin hates the beautiful but at the same time wants to be them, so he follows an idea that is “if I can seize anything, I can seize beauty too”, so he skins his most beautiful victims to try to have a doctor make him less hideous looking.
- Hero Killer: Kalvin darkens the story whenever he appears, and he always leaves many, many bodies behind. In Book II, he comes within a hair's breath of killing Matthew off with Khronos.
- Insufferable Genius: Kalvin is a very cunning man – and he will absolutely never let you forget it.
- Irony: An utmost Social Darwinist who thinks it would be better to let dying child cancer patients die and not give them money...and when he was himself a child, he would not have been able to survive without his parents' treatments.
- It Amused Me: The reality of Kalvin - just because his vile acts amused someone powerful - him - he believes they are not only necessary and acceptable, but that the powerful should have the right to do "evil" things if they find it amusing.
- I Will Punish Your Friend for Your Failure: Indulges in this whenever he detects someone is “too far gone” for punishing / tormenting them to work effectively.
- Killed Off for Real: by Daniel in Book IV. Good riddance you disgusting prick.
- Knight of Cerebus: Lord Regal Kalvin signals the time things go from parodic deconstruction of superhero mythos to a darker breed of deconstruction. Until then the worst thing that happened was Dalton making a cancer beast. Then in comes Kalvin and things generally take a turn for the worst.
- Lack of Empathy: Life has no value to Kalvin. At least, life that is not "aristocratic". The weaklings, aka, muggles, weaker mages and et cetera are not worth preserving because they cannot guarantee their preservation on their own.
- Let's You and Him Fight: He enjoys setting people up to fight, purely for the rush he gets even seeing a fight.
- Lightning Bruiser: With the cruel caveat that he enjoys slowly walking toward you, and then suddenly jetting right into your face and doing something. He is fast and strong enough to deal most of his opponents deadly damage before they even know what's hit them.
- Malevolent Masked Men: Kalvin is a Lord Eclipse, so natch – but his mask, a lion-themed mask, becomes iconic for the Conspiracy in Matthew's eyes.
- Mana Drain: He has an innate ability to absorb Mana, caused by the myriad procedures his parents put him through. Hence we see him calmly walking through a barrage of Mana Blasts, looking utterly unaffected and possibly even bored.
- Might Makes Right: Good and evil are to him just choices with no higher meaning. Might is according to him the thing that allows people to truly choose. "Good? Evil? All choices. That I do malevolent acts speaks of how amused I am by these acts. My ends justify the means because they are MY ends."
- Moral Event Horizon: It is hard to pin down when, exactly, it became obvious what Matthew was dealing with here;
- abusing the Ghoul Squad, manipulating them, turning their feelings and loyalties against one another for amusement.
- the proxy thing below. Ew.
- Or slaughtering Sharon Tate Roman's Hero Squad as an extremely brutal way of tendering his resignation.
- Nightmare Face: There is a very good reason Kalvin never takes off his mask. The real face of Kalvin is most often covered in bandages, but its obvious his features are terrifyingly deformed.
- No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: It is hard to describe his murder spree as anything but this. Upon deciding to betray Sharon Tate Roman, he goes to where some of her heroes - basically young people being trained to slowly introduce the world to magic - are undergoing their training and simply massacres them without an explanation. And he did some of it needlessly cruelly, belittling some of them and crushing them in an emotional and psychological sense before including “physically” in there, too.
- No Sense of Personal Space: This Eclipse enjoys veritably molesting and hurting his opponents through virtually any physical mean available to him.
- One-Man Army: Lord Eclipse as usual is basically an army unto himself.
- Politically Incorrect Villain: Kalvin is an etched in diamond reactionary, and doubts the sentience of non-aristocrats / Muggles. His introduction to the group of heroes he was about to kill also speaks volumes, “Hello, Derek. Your fellow faggot is dead. I will send you to join him shortly.”
- Even more, Kalvin was the one bankrolling Lyle and in charge of the “ex-gay camp”, purely because he didn't want a “weak and swishy” relative. He immediately associates homosexuality with weakness and inability to "do what is needed."
- Pride: Kalvin is one of the prouder villains, and has tendencies toward Never My Fault, on the occasions where the thing going wrong really inconveniences him.
- Rape by Proxy: Due to his skin condition, hatred of anyone lower in status, and age, he cannot do the deed himself, so he created a plan to deal with the member of the family mentioned under Politically Incorrect Villain. After catching Ian Kalvin – his grand-nephew – with another man (Max Buford), Regal brutally beat the two of them, and then called up a hooker...and took Max hostage and ordered Ian to rape the hooker. When Ian wasn't quite going fast enough, Regal started aging one of Max's eyes. He then reversed it. Its pretty telling that Arlen Westlau's thoughts on this are You really ARE a sicko, aren't you, boss?
- Red Eyes, Take Warning: The lion mask has glowing red eye covers, and his own eyes are blood-shot looking.
- Sadist: He is simply delighted by suffering, seeing evil actions and malignant deeds as simply options the powerful can choose from.
- Screw the Rules, I Have Supernatural Powers!: Kalvin believes fervently that there are no rules he can be subordinate to, and that if he wants to take your life, he'll take it. He also tries to spread this idea to other Mages, including Sanfield's younger magic users.
- The Social Darwinist: Values strength and intellect above all else, and believes people die because they were simply too weak to overcome their situation. He also has a different concept of aristocrat than what most do – he believes a proper aristocracy is built of the strongest individuals, and who would then rule a world of the strong. Hence why he decayed half a Corrupt Corporate Executive's face off – he wanted to see if the guy would be strong enough to resist it; “and I was sorely disappointed. Now all his little septic underlings get to die too.”
- Further, he believes that choices of good and evil are simply that - choices. With no higher bearing than the fact someone sufficiently powerful chose this. "To me, assisting you has the same moral weight as simply killing you for the sake of it."
- He also seems to believe peace stifles creativity and human worth - “in a world stifled by peace, we get whiny little teenagers whittling away their hours online”.
- Virtue Is Weakness: He believes love and kindness are signs of weakness and that they provide no power or assistance to people. Anything that might make you help someone weaker than yourself is viewed negatively by Kalvin.
- We Have Become Complacent: His opinion on the “old wealthy”, seeing them as people who rely on security forces, the state and mercenaries to defend themselves. Hence he wants to obliterate them just as much as the “lesser”.
- Would Hurt a Child: Though not in a usual way – Regal Kalvin is a Child Hater, so his solution to dealing with a child Sharon had him abduct is to age the ten year old boy to twenty five with Khronos. He seemed to find the sounds and screams the boy makes as he ages utterly amusing, and outright took the young man to his parents. When the parents did not recognize the “boy”, Kalvin gave the impression that the resulting crying fit made him tremendously happy, simply because "I offered him hope, and then showed him how easily hope can be crushed. He won't escape. He won't even try."
- Xanatos Speed Chess: Kalvin is very good at rolling with the punches - moving along with the chaotic plot in New Dawn II, and adjusting to whoever comes out on top.
- You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: Very prone to this, as of his “I doubt non-aristocrats are sentient” thing.
edited 11th Sep '15 10:51:29 PM by NickTheSwing
The future of warfare in UC.
Okay.
...he's a walking bag of cliches. Every time I read this my mind recoils in a sort of authorial horror. The commentary on beauty is original, but seems like an afterthough compared to a fairly standard misread-the-Nietzche worldview, and a lot of terminology that seems to have been (somewhat clumsily) selected to sound ominous.
Much of the rest can't really be commented on because it's too specific to the world and not explained. "They ultimately settled for a bargain with Parallaxus." The heck does THAT mean? Could say that about a dozen or more sentences in the description, never mind the tropes. This is very poorly explained. I can only judge it in the vague information I'm given, which might be the problem.
Nous restons ici.
So you're basically just another Acccentuate The Negative type. Blech.
Considering I never thought of Nietzsche while writing him up, that would be quite impressive if true. I didn't randomly select terminology to sound ominous.
Yeah? And? I have a topic for my world and numerous previous pieces written up here. So what, am I supposed to leave out world specific stuff just because people like you might get confused? I don't recall seeing that among the recommendations or statements in Lunacorva's post.
So, what, am I supposed to enclose within each post a detailed ten paragraph essay about what my world is about and what in all goes on?
All in all, not a review that might help me get better.
edited 9th Sep '15 10:11:47 PM by NickTheSwing
@Lewis Liddel
If there's an issue with Lucian it's that he hits a few too many obvious villain tropes. The red eyes, the overly pretty features, the vaguely Satanic name, they add up to a villain who is quite Obviously Evil. Now there's nothing wrong with a character broadcasting their villainy—I've written more than a few of those myself—but your write-up indicates that Lucian is meant to be a manipulator, and I have trouble imagining that someone who gives off that evil of a vibe would be successful in that field.
I'm also not getting a clear read on his personality—is he supposed to be Affably Evil or a Jerkass?
I'll also note that you seem, based off of a few things you've said, to be deliberately trying to create a Love to Hate villain. That's usually not a great idea. Write the characters to fit the story, and worry about audience reaction after the fact. Unless I'm misreading your intent, in which case ignore this part of the critique.
@Nick The Swing
You need to post a critique before I can critique yours. Or did you PM one of the other posters (I know you did that once before) with your critique? You might also want to include some links to the other characters from the story. Long term posters like myself, Sword of Knowledge, et al, will have an idea of what world the character hails from, but newer posters won't.
@Night
That's a touch harsh, at least by forum standards. I understand some of your concerns, but I'm not seeing how your post will help Nick improve the character, which is what we generally try to do.
So, it's been awhile since my last write-up. This character hails from the same world as 777 and Zara
and Androgon the Twice-Damned. My original intent was for him to be a Posthumous Character alone, but I'm now considering bringing him back to life in the main story. Whether that's a good idea is something I could actually use some feedback on.
Name: Sisyphus Soll
Age: Mid-sixties, physically, mid-seventies, chronologically.
Appearance: Sisyphus is a lean, but exceptionally fit (at least by setting standards) man in his sixties. He has grey streaked, curly red hair, a badly shaved face, and an overly broad smile with a single gold tooth on the right side. He wears a patch on his left eye, a badly banged-up straw hat, and a long grey coat festooned with vials, syringes, and other alchemical gear. He wears a rope belt with a holster for his revolver, and like his son, Sargon, is in a state of near perpetual animation.
Personality: Sisyphus is a genuinely pleasant, sincerely cheerful man who treats those who are a part of his in-group with absolute courtesy and rough good humour. Unfortunately, only his late wife and his son Sargon have ever made it into said in-group, and he'll quite happily gun down anybody else without a sliver of remorse. There's nothing malicious about him, no sadism or cruelty, he's simply incapable, as Sargon notes, of registering anybody outside his immediate family as a human being. To Sisyphus he and Sargon are real; everybody else is just a cardboard cut-out to be used, abused, and victimized as he sees fit.
Abilities: Sisyphus is the one who taught Sargon alchemy. He's an expert at brewing up chemical concoctions, and manufacturing weaponry. In a world where a majority are armed with either scavenged sci-fi technology that they do not understand and cannot reproduce, or medieval weapons from before the starship crash rearranged their world (see this post for more on the setting), Sisyphus is capable of creating late nineteenth/early twentieth century firearms and explosives out of scrap metal and chemical waste. He's also a talented conman and liar with a knack for getting people to believe him, and making himself indispensable to any group he joins up with.
If I resurrect him as I am considering doing (the rest of this post will assume I am going to), Sisyphus comes back from the dead equipped with a Healing Factor that's comparable to that of FMA's homonculi. Beat him, burn him, blow him up, disintegrate him, it doesn't matter—so long as his new boss, Saloth (who will get his own post later), is alive, Sisyphus is too.
Weaknesses: Sisyphus genuinely doesn't get that other people are intelligent and may see through his plans. He assumes that, so long as he plays the part that he always has, everyone else will stay on script. He's also convinced that Sargon is exactly like himself, which is why he was completely surprised when his son shot him at the end of their last job together (see Backstory, below).
Post-resurrection Sisyphus may be almost impossible to kill, but he's still armed with the same weapons he had before, since the method Saloth used to bring him back prevents him from learning any new skills. Consequently, in a fight with Sargon, Shivah, or most of their allies, Sisyphus is something of a Stone Wall, able to swallow a great deal of punishment, but not to deal it out. He's also badly distracted by his desire to reunite with Sargon and put the family back together.
Goals: Before his death, Sisyphus' only objective was to keep himself and Sargon alive and as comfortably well-off as the badlands allow one to be. Post-resurrection, not much has changed. While he's theoretically slaved to Saloth's will, Sisyphus' real goal is to break free of Saloth's control, reunite with his son, and then carve out an empire in the badlands together.
Motivations: Sisyphus thinks that it's himself and Sargon against the world. That's the attitude that drove him when he was raising Sargon, and nothing has changed since then. He wants to buy himself and his son the best possible life that he can, and he doesn't care who has to die for that to happen.
Role in story: Sisyphus is the one who shaped Sargon's attitude and made him into the paranoid, vindictive, domineering—and superficially charming—antihero that he is today. He plays an enormous role in Sargon's backstory, and is the subject of frequent flashbacks. Almost everything Sargon does is either something Sisyphus taught him to do, or a reaction to something Sisyphus taught him to do.
If I do decide to bring him back, he winds up as The Dragon to Saloth, alien criminal and Big Bad of my intended Book 2. With Saloth unable or unwilling to interact with the world directly, Sisyphus acts as his agent, infiltrating communities and nomadic bands and stirring them up against the newly returned king and his allies.
Backstory: Sisyphus grew up in a nomadic tribe that splintered and then starved when they grew too large to easily feed themselves, or to hide from the warlords who control the badlands. They all eventually wound up dead, and Sisyphus struck out on his own, with only his closest childhood friend—and later wife—Sincerity, for company. He made a practice of joining up with a community, earning their trust, and then making off with as many of their supplies as he could carry the moment their backs were turned. When Sincerity died giving birth to their son, Sargon, Sisyphus buried her and then continued on as he had before, raising Sargon to be the same type of con artist as he was himself.
During one of their infiltrations, Sisyphus obtained a computer key card which he was told led to a weapon of untold power. He become obsessed with obtaining said weapon for himself and Sargon, aiming to raise the two of them out of poverty and into the status of warlord. The two began a multiyear search for the weapon in question, which ended when Sisyphus took a con too far even for Sargon (shooting a girl he had ordered Sargon to seduce) and was shot by his son. Falling off of a cliff, Sisyphus used the last of his strength to throw the key card to his son; a day later Sargon found RUIN, in an abandoned fortress that he dubbed Sisyphus' Sanctum in honour of his father.
As for Sisyphus, his body was located sometime later by agents of Saloth's who brought him to the alien. Saloth worked out the connection between Sisyphus and Sargon, and, if I decided to go that route, brought Sisyphus back from the dead and gifted him with his healing factor.
Relevant tropes: Abusive Dad (toyed with—Sisyphus never deliberately abused Sargon, but his casual sociopathy still screwed the boy up pretty badly), Archnemesis Dad (post-resurrection), Affably Evil, Con Man, The Dragon (to Saloth, post-resurrection), Dragon with an Agenda, Even Evil Has Loved Ones (his wife and son), Evil Old Folks (looks to be in his sixties, is in his seventies), Evil Redhead (before it went grey, anyway), Eyepatch of Power, The Gunslinger, Healing Factor (post-resurrection), Manipulative Bastard, Nice Hat (a truly ugly hat, honestly), Posthumous Character (originally), Villainous Legacy (Sargon is his father's son, for better or worse), We Can Rule Together (what he wants for himself and his son)
Anyway, like I said at the top, I'd not only like commentary on Sisyphus' character, but on whether he should come back from the dead as Saloth's Dragon. I think I've got a solid idea for a direction to take that story in, but I can also see value in just keeping him as a Posthumous Character. Thoughts?
Alright, I made a review of the previous character.
Keeper of the Cookies
@Ambar: It's an interesting premise for a villain. It would be interesting to see a posthumous villain just for how the heroes would react.
Name: Thomas Renaud
Age: 28
Personality: Thomas is the classic Hannibal Lecter-grade psychopath- manipulative, conniving, and vicious. His power has made him addicted to the blood of people with superpowers, and has become a serial killer to sate his addiction. Thomas wanders from city to city, finding a hideout, scouting for individuals with powers, and preying upon them when they're vulnerable.
He wears a façade of civility, however it is just an act- he is deeply disturbed and hates humanity, viewing supers and normal alike as nothing but 'dumb cattle', as he would put it. He enjoys hurting others, and when he catches wind of the heroes trying to stop him, he leaves notes with the exsanguinated bodies, taunting them and rubbing their failure in.
Abilities: Thomas can temporarily copy the superpowers of others by drinking their blood. He has some blood from previous victims stored in a fridge, labeled with the power that it will give him when he drinks it.
Weaknesses: Thomas has a massive ego and believes himself to always be the one on top of the food chain. A more physical weakness is that if he goes more than a week without sating his habit, he goes into withdrawl.
Goals: Thomas isn't the kind to have a grand master plan. He just wants to get his fix, make the kill and move along.
Motivation: He's a serial killer with a super-blood addiction.
Role in the story: Thomas presents the first supervillain the heroes have to encounter- he begins kidnapping people in the city, and the heroes have to catch him before he skips town.
Relevant Tropes:
- Addiction-Powered
- Ax-Crazy
- Cannibalism Superpower
- Faux Affably Evil
- Serial Killer
- Starter Villain
- Troll
edited 10th Sep '15 6:55:22 AM by fearjunkie
Seems like a fairly grim Blood Knight, and someone who was simply created and or put into this role, with an obvious enjoyment. Perhaps I need to see more tropes, but that is the feel I am getting right now.
Tropes: